Last Week: Bobby Lashley won a Beat the Clock match to earn the Number One Contendership for the WWE Title, a fact that he celebrated with an omg heel turn. Ken Kennedy lost a name repeating Battle Royal to the props guy. And William Regal general managed in a fabulously ineffective way. Who will General Manage…TONIGHT?!
Bobby Lashley vs. King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell)
So, does this mean the heel turn from last week was negated, or is King Booker turning face? Or did Lashley just hit Cena because he thought it was the right thing to do? Whatever WWE’s going for here, it seems to be working as the audience reacts with a thundering, “Huh?” when Lashley walks out. The match goes back and forth for all of about ten seconds when Mr. Kennedy comes flying in out of nowhere on a little hanglider and kicks Lashley in the face. That’s about the most well thought out and impressive DQ ever.
Everybody punches each other for about ten minutes until Coach comes out to settle this dispute.
Jonathan Coachman: Guys! Guys! Stop for a second! I have something important to say. I really need to ask you three a question. Am I the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment anymore or not? People keep calling me night in and night out asking me for business decisions and to sign off on things like Val Venis bobbleheads and Funaki tampons, and I tell them, “Vince is alive again, stupids!” But they’re all, “We have no empirical evidence to suggest that what you just said is or is not true.” And I don’t even know what empirical means! All I know is that I’m tired of being CEO and I just want to go back to being somebody’s sexretary and pretending to be the “temporary” General Manager of RAW.
King Booker: You know who has a great job? Teddy Long. That scoundrel gets to lay with his wench all day while Vickie Guerrero runs Smackdown into the ground, and he gets paid a hundred treasures for it.
Queen Sharmell: You tell them, Liege!
Ken Kennedy: Who the hell is the General Manager of ECW? Was that ever resolved?
Tough Enough Jessie: ME! I AM THE GENERAL MANAGER OF ECW?! Why doesn’t anyone remember that? WAAAAAAAAAAH! It’s ME!
T.E. Jessie: NO! They’ve replaced me already! WAAAAAAAH!
Bobby Lashley: I would like to challenge these two to a match. With a partner of my choosing. And if I prove to be too indecisive to choose a partner, I will fight these two opponents by myself. In a handicap match.
Coach: Whatever. Do you think Finlay Mr. Potato Heads would sell?
Lashley is so excited about the idea of Finlay Mr. Potato Heads that he throws Kennedy and Booker out of the ring.
Backstage, William Regal is talking to Coach.
William Regal: I don’t want to be the bloody CEO.
Jonathan Coachman: Oh, come on! You’ll do great at it. Look at how great you look in a suit. That’s the sign of a successful CEO not some wrestler who mentors fat greasy nerds! You’re better than this, Mr. Regal. Besides, CEOs are only bloody once a month.
Regal: Coach, I t…wait, what was that last part?
Coach: William, do you ever get that “not so fresh feeling?”
Regal: My…NO! Coach, I don’t think you…I mean…I…Ok, once.
Coach: It’s ok, William. Let it out.
Coach: I’m booking you in a match against Sandman tonight.
Santino Marella vs. Totally Not Jamal
For the WWE Intercontinental Title
You couldn’t wait for the PPV to hit up the rematch clause? Dude, come on. You’ve got to pop as much cash out of this gimmick as possible before you get run back to OVW. Sadly, no mention of Not Important again this week. Way to live up to your name, dude. At least Santino has Maria, although it looks like she just came out because as soon as Santino’s sorry ass gets squashed it’s time for the Kiss Cam. Which Santino does. Emphatically. He’s not even getting any of his plucky European offense in. Thumb to the Eye and it’s over. Poor guy.
Bobby Lashley has found the RAW Locker Room. Yes, good thinking, Bobby. Perhaps someone in there will be a wrestler!
The Highlanders vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
For the WWE Tag Team Titles
RAW needs some tag teams. Was Cryme Tyme busy or something? Oh, maybe they got arrested for stealing Deuce and Domino’s car last week. I’m not sure if it counts if it happened on Smackdown, though. The Highlanders get together in their corner and regale each other with tales of when they used to be huge stars. Wrestling in the 1500s was a bitch though. Trust me. Anyway, Cade and Murdoch hit their finisher (the “How Are We The Tag Champs?) on Robbie and get the win. Afterwards, Murdoch dedicates the match to his father and brother, who will be on the show later tonight.
Santino Marella: It means-a so much-a to me-a that you-a come to my-a match!
Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Oh, was that you out there getting your ass kicked?
Santino: Yes-a! I am-a, how-a you say, getting-a very good-a at losing-a my matches-a!
Maria: You’re pathetic and a loser. I don’t know what I ever say in you, Samartino, or why I ever thought you were neepable. But you’re completely worthless, and while other girls might find your ridiculous accent cute or charming, I think it makes you sound dumb. And you smell like New Jersey! Ew!
Santino: So-a, you want-a to have-a the sex?
Charlie Haas: Man. I’m totally on RAW this week.
Shelton Benjamin: Soak it up, man. I’m the only guy the company really sees as a singles wrestler in this tag team.
Haas: Shelton, can I ask you something? Black man to black man?
Shelton: One of those better have been “Blackman.”
Haas: Yeah. I always forget that I’m not really black. Sorry about that. Why did you kiss King Booker’s ring last week?
Shelton: Heh…Um…I love Mayor Quimby?
Haas: Would you kiss me like that, Shelton?
Shelton: On the ring?
Haas: Yes. On the ring.
Shelton: Yeah. I guess so? I don’t know. That’s kind of a weird request though. Probably weirder than when I did it last week. I thought you meant on the lips though. That would’ve been awkward.
Haas: I did used to hang out with Rico, you know.
Haas: Yes, my dark stallion?
Shelton: Go back to pretending like you’re in a blaxploitation film.
Haas: Fo sheezy dawg.
John Cena: Did You Know?
-John Cena was the first person to ever listen to hip hop music.
-John Cena ended the careers of Kurt Angle and The Big Show
-John Cena is well loved and admired by everyone who watches him
-John Cena could power the city of New York with his smile
-John Cena is cool and popular and amazing, alright? Geez.
Abe Orton vs. Super Crazy
Man Abe looks like he’s in…rough shape. Firstly, he looks terrible bald. Secondly, his back looks like he’s been basting it in bacon grease. Thirdly, he looks silly without his trademark awesome beard. Finally, his teeth are so ridiculously fake looking, I keep wondering who WWE is trying to fool? Are they coming out with a line of toothpaste for him to advertise or something? Maybe I can get Coach to sign off on that. Can’t he go back to punting babies? How old is Aurora Borealis now anyway? She’s missed the prime of her baby kicking months! Abe wins in about ten seconds, and then power bombs Crazy for the hell of it. Enjoy that push, Crazy!
Jim Ross says that he sees Abe’s cousin Randy’s slapping of Dusty Rhodes last week as a complete lack of disrespect. Either Orton’s in the Gorilla position, or J.R.’s taken a mighty progressive stance. Meanwhile, Dusty is wobbling around backstage. Lookit him go!
Remember Triple H?! No, no. That’s Preparation H.
They’re going to have a promo contest? NOOOOOOOOoooooooo!
Dusty Rhodes: Ranby Oboooo! Hafleebeedoo onmba slappidydappidydoo! Woozlewuzzle Rangy! I flip flop and fly onto the mothaship, if you wheeeeeel!
Randy Orton: Doughy Ropes! I see you have come out here to testify the very nature of the man’s hood that is the loins of the Legend Kill Guy, Ranky Q. Morgan. I excel your challenge to a porno contest, and await you to start the interlude you have already finished.
Dusty: Hafastop! Egereno aggabatuki nipaloo roptop, Ramy Snorin. Fageedo ano wined and dined with kings and queens, slept in alleys and ate pork and beans! Son of a plumber, Tony!
Orton: In tooth, this is a true battle of twits I am undertaker with you, Doughy! So it is with a hervy heart that I champion you to a match at the elephant that you created! That’s white, I’m challengering you to a match at the Grey’s Anatomy Bash!
Dusty: Youtubeahyoooo the pay winda tonight!
Cody Rhodes: Dad, Randy, please stop embarrassing yourselves. Nobody can understand what either of you are saying.
Dusty: American Dream whooopnannyawoooogah!
Orton: A Texas Bullfrog Match?! You’re on, Mr. Ropes! As for you, Kobe, you’re about to see what a legend…kill guy, is all abort!
Cody: I’m just pleasantly surprised I didn’t turn on my dad yet.
For the results of this promo let’s go to our panel of judges.
The Great Khali: AMMMGPH! GRABOLATO! RAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Totally Not Jamal: UTINI!
Iron Sheik: This was great promo I have heard since Andy Giant tell Hulkman to going to hell! Dust Rhode and Legend Man are two great promo men in history of sport! HA! SHEIK IS HEELING ON YOU! These is terrible interview! Dust Rhodes? I spit on you! Hockptooie! Legend Man I spit on you! Hockptooie! Oh, Sheik is on ROLL!
Great Khali: GAH!
Not Jamal: 4.6
Iron Sheik: Hockptooie!
Paul London vs. Shelton Benjamin
So I think the stipulations for this match are that if London loses, he has to shave off his junior woodsman beard, but if Shelton loses, he has to marry Charlie Haas. I wonder if Brian Kendrick feels jilted. I wonder if he still exists! London rolls Shelton up, but Benjamin kicks him in the face. Ah, yes. That’s that amateur wrestling background for you. Shelton is fighting for his life, because he really doesn’t want a gravy boat from Matt Lauer, but it’s all for naught because London is able to roll through a hurricanrana for the win. After the match, Shelton cries while London thoughtfully combs his beard.
Backstage, Super Crazy is being treated.
Super Crazy: Doctor, I think I cracked my ribs!
Dr. Yukio Hatori: I understand. Take two of these and call me in the morning.
Crazy: Doctor…these are churros.
Hatori: Look, I have to admit that my knowledge of Mexican food is about as varied as the Taco Bell menu. Would you like some Chalupas or something? I think I need a prescription for those.
Crazy: No, it’s ok. I’ll survive! You know why? Because I am Super! I am Crazy! I-
Ken Kennedy runs in and slams Crazy’s head into a dumpster.
Ken Kennedy: It’s my gimmick to repeat things! Mine! Understand me?! You want to beat me in three seconds while I’m out injured? That’s cool. You want to wear the Mexican flag like a poncho? Fine, whatever. But you do not go around stealing other people’s gimmicks. That’s just not cool. Now, about that Chulupa.
Hatori: I could get you 50% off a Mexican pizza….
Elsewhere, Boobsie and Alexis Laree are walking around backstage. Don’t these people have anything better to do?
Shelton Benjamin: Look, I suppose I should ask…What do you want to serve at the reception? Is sirloin ok? Mama Benjamin will be hungry. Or at least she would be if she wasn’t on Last Comic Standing right now.
Charlie Haas: Shelton, dawg, I was just kidding about all that shiznite. I don’t want to make out with you, homie. You my dawg. Fo reals.
Shelton: Oh, thank God. I thought…I mean…you…and I-
Haas: Word to yo, motha! This counts as your birthday present though.
Shelton: Aw man!
Ron Simmons: Making fun of stereotypes, be they racial or based on one’s sexual orientation is not cool. Kids, if a bully is picking on you because of how you look or the way you act, you pop that sucker right in the mouth. That’s what I would do. What you’ve seen here tonight is an exaggeration, but things like this are happening in real life all over the country. It’s up to us, as wrestling fans, to be the standard bearers for tolerance and intelligent discussion on racial and gender issues in society today. And now, big tittie girls grabbing each other.
Boobsie and Alexis have made it down to ringside, but before their match gets going, Melina has something to say.
Melina: As you can see by my horrible outfit with thigh high fishnet stockings, I am in the midst of a fashion emergency. While I’m more than willing to compete at the Great American Bash, tonight I will be replaced by a person I think you all know very well. Beth Phoenix!
Boobsie McTitsalot: Who?
Alexis Laree: Who?
Jillian Hall: Who?
Beth Phoenix: Who?
Alexis Laree and Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix
Aren’t Jillian and Beth the same person? This match is, like, a paradox. Sadly, everybody pretty much forgets that Beth was a face and Trish Stratus’ best friend until Alexis broke her jaw a few months ago. Except me, of course. But that’s just how I roll. In continuity. Boobsie rolls up Jillian for the win. After the match, however, she’s attacked by Beth and Melina for about twenty minutes. Finally, Alexis is all like, “Huh? Oh, right.” and runs them off.
Backstage, Arn Anderson is talking to Bobby Lashley.
Bobby Lashley: Arn, you are a former wrestler. Who do you think I should select as my mystery partner?
Arn Anderson: Hell if I know, son. I usually just go to the character choice menu, hit start to let the computer pick it and hope for the best.
Lashley: But this is real life. I need some advice.
Double A: Ok, let me see if I can come up with something. You don’t want someone crappy like Val Venis or anything. You don’t want somebody who’s already wrestled. You don’t want Randy Orton. Quite frankly, son, there’s only one fruitcake left in the locker room who might be stupid enough to team up with your heel turning ass.
Lashley: You don’t mean-
Double A: I don’t get paid enough to mean anything.
It’s almost time to play the game! Man, I can’t wait to see you try to beat my high score at Diner Dash!
King Booker: I love Diner Dash.
Queen Sharmell: What does that have to do with-
Ken Kennedy: I just beat up Super Crazy! Woo!
Booker: What kind of attitude is that? If beating up Super Crazy is that high on your list of accomplishments, then we’ve got some serious issues tonight, scoundrel!
Kennedy: I just meant it as…That’s what us heels do, right? We pick on those less fortunate than us?
Booker: Kind of like I pick on the suckas that dare challenge his royal highness at Diner Dash?
Sharmell: What is with you tonight?
William Regal vs. The Sandman
Carlito is out on commentary, and wastes no time bitching about being in a feud with The Sandman. I can appreciate the sentiment, but I can’t help but feel that he’d be better off grinning and bearing this one. Sandman bleeds all over to start. I wonder why nobody’s challenged him to a first blood match yet. He’d lose before the match even started. Anyway, Sandman just beats the crap out of everybody with his cane to start, so I guess that’s a DQ already? This is actually a great way of protecting Sandy from every having to…you know…wrestle.
Bobby Lashley: Did you know?
-Bobby Lashley is definitely not a robot.
-Bobby Lashley’s physique is a result of being bitten by a radioactive bodybuilder.
-Bobby Lashley was the last person on Earth to learn the Macarena
-Bobby Lashley was the ECW Champion when being ECW Champion meant something.
-Bobby Lashley has trading cards. What have you done with your life?
Jerry “The King” Lawler: And now, live from the set of Larry King Live where nothing at all was discussed, here’s John Cena.
John Cena: Yo, yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo YO! YO! YO!!!!
Great American Bash
Gonna face that guy Bobby,
Works out so much,
That guy needs another hobby.
I’m going to chop his legs off,
Like Chris Jericho’s hair,
Punching him so hard,
He’ll forget that he’s there,
John Cena rocking the mic,
Like he was on Live Earth,
Like Madonna’s fat ass,
Give John Cena a wide berth!
Everybody else is playing,
This champion is for real,
I skip my own TV show,
And hang with Jessica Biel.
Hope Lashley is partner less,
His punishment is clear,
Bobby Lashley is there,
But the CHAMP IS HERE!!!
Hey, it’s King Booker! Hi, King Booker!
Mister Kennedy and King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) vs. Bobby Lashley and ???
OH MAN! Bobby Lashley got ??? to be his partner? Kennedy and Booker are soooooo screwed right now! It’s not even funny! Oh snap! Somebody better call a couple of ambulances because Lashley and ??? are going to break some bones here to-
Mister Kennedy and King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) vs. Bobby Lashley and Jeff Hardy
Two hours and that’s the best you could come up with? What, was Jim Duggan off tonight or something? Actually, I really thought his partner would be Charlie Haas. Jeff surprisingly has the advantage to start, but Booker quickly turns the tides with his stunning offense of not being Jeff Hardy. Is Kennedy still hurt or not? I can’t even tell any more. Anyway, Jeff tackles Booker out of the ring while Lashley jumps over Kennedy’s head and then spears him. Whatever, dude. Wake me up when you can jump over Khali. Anyway, the faces celebrate their hard fought victory. I can’t believe Jeff actually won a main event!
Next Week: John Cena will be in the house, and you know what that means! UNCOMFORTABLE STAREDOWNS~! Dusty Rhodes and Randy Orton debate presidential issues. And Triple H gets ten video packages of and graphics over 3/4 of every segment advertising his return sometime in the future.