Five Stories that are (not) Changing Your World.

1. The RIAA Gonna Get Sued. Turns out that the RIAA is using illegal spying methods, faulty data collection techniques, archaic and sometimes boardering on mafia-esqe bullying tactics, and stalking to try to get people to give them a ton of money because some kid downloaded “Candy Shop” to use as their ringtone. Who knew? Well, one Oregon woman, who a police search cleared of any wrongdoing, apparently did, so she’s taking them to court. Will this be the final nail in the RIAA’s lawsuit coffin? Err…no. But it’s a step.

2. NBC Removing Its Fall Line-Up from iTunes. CBS, ABC, and Fox among others are still onboard, but NBC wanted to charge $4.99 per episode to download which didn’t jive with Apple’s $1.99 price point. $4.99 for an episode of “The Office”? No thanks. Who pays to download episodes of CBS shows anyway? Isn’t that why Google Video got shut down?

3. Wrestlers, Football Players Are on Steroids. Ok, the football players, I get. But wrestlers on steroids? You’ve got to be kidding me! Between this and everybody from tennis players to pro golfers to baseball players being thrown under the bus for using HGH and testosterone, you have to wonder if everybody isn’t on some kind of juice. And they say there’s no parity in professional sports.

4. CBS Under Fire as Their “Reality” TV Shows Screw Up. Ok, brief rundown: Survivor is in China this year, bringing all kinds of weird feelings to the media as US/China relations are strained, and most Americans don’t even know where “China” is. CBS is running a series this fall called “Kid Nation,” a delightful look at what happens when the only labor is child labor. Don’t get hurt, die, or get an STD, though kids: Your parents signed a waiver stating that anybody on staff could try to apply first aid, even if they have no idea what they’re doing! Oh, and “Big Brother” has gotten a little flack lately about how it is creatively editing its houseguests this year. Dick threatening to rape Jen until she dies? Nah, he’s a lovable rouge and she’s a prissy bitch. Amber dropping more Jewish slurs than Mel Gibson at a Shindler’s List screening? Whateva! She’s just a crying mess of love, y’alls. Please.

5. Hollywood Is a Straight Up Mess. Owen Wilson attempts suicide, Britney got tired of screwing up her kids so she’s freaking MTV out with her comeback special, Lindsey’s sexing up and doing drugs in rehab, Superbad is number one at the box office…What is the world coming to? I miss the golden days in Hollywood when the men were men and the women were attention whores. Like when Donald fought Rosie.

See you all next week.

Last Night: Summerslam was in the house as Triple H returned, and immediately lost 30% of his muscle mass. Also, Vince McMahon considered whether or not Shannon Moore was a lame enough choice to be his son. And John Cena won a match. Will the wonders ever cease…TONIGHT?!

Randy Orton is in the ring, and apparently he has something to say. Speachify, Randy!

Randy Orton: Grating, rabies and gentle hens! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, who at Summer’s Stamp lost the WWZ Title Match to one Joe N. Cider. That’s right, I couldn’t Belize it either. How could the Legend Kill Guy not kill the Legend that is James Spader’s titular reign? I went to Cheech! That’s right, I went to Cheech and asked Dog and Manny and the Poet, and all those guys up in heathen, “Why, Dog, Why?! Why can’t I be in the made elephant?”

Jesus: Um…because you’re a self-righteous prick whose only offense is rest holds and making people fall over? And because you’re dumb and can’t talk.

Orton: That’s erectly what he said! My U.S. Americans, it is my invention to go the Iraq and Southern Asia, possibly Chyna, and find out why I can’t be WCW champagne! I’m having an eulogy! Right here in this berry wing! I should be the champagne! Jim Steeler, you got luffa last night! I’m going to be the nutter one comprehended for the title again this moth!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YOOOO!

John Cena wins the match,
Takin’ over Summerslam!
Orton you’re a loser,
Like a guy who can only say “Damn!”

I’ve still got the title,
And you’ve got nothing,
You should go to Smackdown,
And get a title shot at Yao Ming!

I’m rockin’ the mic old school,
Holdin’ the interview down,
Like Larry Bird on fire,
You’re Kevin McHale, clown!

You’re not my next opponent,
I know that…No….
Um…My op…That’s not it.
Ache? No…Door hinge?

Orton: What’s the matter, Juan?

Cena: To be honest, there’s a crimp in my freestyle. I was going to rap about how my next task would obviously be jobbing to Triple H-

Orton: Obliviously.

Cena: But I can’t think of anything that rhymes with Triple H.

William Regal: What about Haitch?!

Cena: No…Wait! I’ve got it!

You’re not my next opponent,
You’re as lame as Anne Heche!
The whole damned world knows,
I’m jobbing to Triple H!

But for the time being,
Two things are very clear,
Randy Orton is a douche,
And THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Regal: Good for you! But you’re wrong! You see, I was thinking about who the star of RAW has been over the past few months. Who deserves the title shot the most? ALL HAIL KING BOOKAH!

King Booker: Yay!

Queen Sharmell: I’m just glad I didn’t have to say it.

Cena: But I thought you didn’t like Booker any more.

Regal: Meh. I have to admit, his new robe is quite fantastic.

Cena: And you, Booker. Still calling yourself the King? After losing to Triple H?

King Booker: It’s all I’ve got, man. Don’t mess this up for me.

Queen Sharmell: TESTIFY!

Orton: Kalamazoo Attack!

Orton runs at Cena, but once Cena turns and Orton reaches him, Randy doesn’t know what to do, so he just bails out of the ring.

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The microphone falls from the ceiling and hits Ken Kennedy in the face.

Ken Kennedy: Ow.

Ken Kennedy vs. Jeff Hardy

Jeff, of course, has been away for the last month for “wellness reasons” (he was building another, bigger volcano in his back yard and needed time to finish it up), but now he’s back, from outer space. I wonder if Jeff is pissed the he missed Summerslam (Answer: No.). Anyway, Jeffers and Kennedy run around the ring for a while, neither one wanting any part of taking any of the other’s offense. This goes on for at least twenty minutes, or long enough for me to notice that Jeff got a hair cut. He’s really cleaned his act up, folks.

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When we come back, Jeff basically hops himself into a turnbuckle, which doesn’t phaze him at all, and then rolls up Kennedy for a two count. This, of course, brings out Totally Not Jamal, who in addition to not being on a Fat March, hates Ken Kennedy. Kennedy bails and Jeff starts to celebrate this clear moral victory, when Not Jamal pokes him right in the eye. SHOCKING SWERVE~! It turns out that the only thing Not Jamal hates more than Kennedy is when non-Samoans no-sell turnbuckle based offense. And ladies and gentlemen, we have a heel turn. Again. Nice job on the face run there, Not Jamal.

Ken Kennedy: Ow!

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Backstage….

Jonathan Coachman: Are you sure you didn’t sire Kevin Thorne? Maybe this whole “paternity” thing is smoke and mirrors.

Vince McMahon: Coach, do I look like a vampire to you?

Coach: The pompadour, the out of date clothing, the fangs…the fact that I never see you except on RAW, Smackdown, PPV and the occasional ECW, all of which are evening events….

Vince: ….

Coach: No. Not at all. Hey, have you ever genetically engineered a wrestler in a lab?

Vince: Well, that’s a funny story. One time-

Ken Kennedy: I’m sick of that microphone donking me on the head, Vince.

Vince: Heh…You know, my middle name is Kennedy.

Kennedy: What possible correlation could the fact that your middle name is the same as my last name have to do with anything? That doesn’t even make sense.

Vince: KENNEDY!

Kennedy: Sense!

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It’s time for Carlito’s Cabana!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Everybody’s having illegitimate kids right now. Eddie Murphy, Tom Brady, hell, even our own Vince McMahon. To come out here and bitch about the fact that his storyline isn’t getting as much attention as the return of a certain WWE Superstar! Vince McMahon everybody!

Vince McMahon: Damn that Rey Misterio! I knew I should’ve had Not Jamal finish him off!

Carlito: Who did what now?

Vince: You don’t remember when I had Not Jamal attack Rey on Smackdown for being a big old glory hog?

Carlito: I don’t watch Smackdown.

Vince: Me neither!

Carlito: So, end the suspense. Who’s the baby?

Triple H: Oooh! I know!

Vince: Spirit Squad! ATTACK!

Carlito: You kind of got rid of them.

Vince: Aw….

HHH: Seriously, Vince! What kind of face would I be if I was a big lying meanie?

Vince: Not a very good one. Which is true anyway.

HHH: That really hurts. So, I guess what I’m going to have to do to make up for it is to introduce some of the ladies you’ve had sex with over the years! First, here’s the large black lady! Give it up for Rhonda, everybody!

Rhonda: I resent that you are perpetuating stereotypes out here!

Shelton Benjamin: Mama?

Rhonda: No!

Shelton: Aww. I still need a gimmick, then. Think Shelton, think.

Vince: Well, I do like big butts. I cannot lie.

Carlito: Truer words were never spoken.

Vince: But I’ve never had sex with a fat black lady. Next.

HHH: Ok, what about this. An old pirate woman!

Franny Longjohns: Yar! I’d like to meet your seamen!

Vince: Shiver me timbers!

Carlito: I wouldn’t hit that with a ten foot plank.

Franny: Never mind the deformities. Them be caused by the scurvy! I assure ye, I’d love to find ye treasure.

HHH: Ok, even I find this one a little disturbing. How about this girl with an afro wig?

Tough Enough Jessie: What did you do to my hair?! WAAAAAAAAH!

Carlito: Why…That’s a mirror image of me! Vince! You could be my dad! Did you have sex with Tough Enough Jessie in an afro wig?

Vince: Twice. But I’m pretty sure, unless we live in an alternate universe, or perhaps a time machine will be invented sometime in the near future that will allow Tough Enough Jessie to travel back in time to a few years ago, mate with me, and then travel even further back in time to pretend to have sex with your father, then she’s not your mother.

T.E. Jessie: Sniff…Yeah…That’s…Improbable.

Vince: Hey, wait a minute…Nah. Never mind.

HHH: Next up is a guy in drag.

Francine: HEY!

Vince: Heh.

Carlito: Oh no you d’int!

Francine: I just came here to try to get my job back….

HHH: It didn’t work.

Vince: I dunno, the fake boobs almost made that one a little too believable.

Tommy Dreamer: It’s not worth it. Trust me.

Francine: HEY!

HHH: Any of those your baby mommas?

Vince: Probably not.

HHH: This was a waste of time then. Sorry. Hey, Vince! Are you running an illegal cockfighting ring that might cause government officials to come in here and ruin our reputation as a sport?

Vince: Is that a lame and far out attempt to get me to admit that I like penises?

HHH: Possibly!

Vince: I knew there was a reason my daughter loved you.

HHH: I thought it was my wicked neck beard.

Carlito: WHY ISN’T ANYBODY ACKNOWLEDGING ME?!

So Triple H hits the PEDIGREE TO CARLITO~! Be careful what you wish for, I guess. Hunter drinks out of a hollowed out pineapple while Vince escapes backstage with Francine, because he loves the penises.

Francine: HEY!

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The World’s Greatest Tag Team and Khosrow Daivari vs. Cody Rhodes, Paul London and Brian Kendrick

Shelton Benjamin has found his new gimmick. He’s now Koko B. Ware and Charlie Haas is Frankie. This will surely go a long way to establishing them as top line WWE Superstars in the next few months. I’m surprised Cryme Tyme didn’t try this first. Daivari, meanwhile, hasn’t changed anything. Leyleahleyleahooooooh! It’s back in forth for literally, around 20 seconds before Cody hits Daivari with a flying cross body for the win. Randy Ortonesque! After the match, Cody pokes London in the eye.

Paul London: Ouch!

Brian Kendrick: What the hell did you do that for?

Cody Rhodes: OMG HEEL TURN~! SHOCKING SWERVE~!!

London: That really, really hurt.

Cody: I’m a heel now, right?

Kendrick: No. You’re just an idiot.

Cody: Oh, come on!

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Daivari is still in the ring! Mic TIME!!!

Khosrow Daivari: And now, I’m going to perform for you a new hit song off my record “Why Can’t I Have My Real First Name Back?” This is “Quit Making Me Everybody’s Interpreter.”

LEYLEAHLEYLEAHOOOOH!

At this point, Cryme Tyme hit’s the ring and steals Daivari’s Saudi Arabia Little League World Series hat, which they sell for $5 and a sold to be poured later. This delights the crowd of 20 that just came to the show to say, “Money, Money, Yeah Yeah!” Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch get down to the ring to try to savae Daivari’s hat, but Cryme Tyme steals Cade’s hat too, and they end up giving it away to some college frat boys, who decide to eat nachos out of it and dance with Cryme Tyme. That’s pretty much how every racial ethics class I ever took wound up.

Backstage….

Jonathan Coachman: This never would’ve happened if you still had me as your sexretary.

Vince: That’s a sobering and somewhat frightening thought, Coach. Thanks.

Randy Orton: Vance! Close! Am I glad to see you dries! As you may or the opposite of may know, LAW Gentle Minister Billion Retails won’t let me have another shot at the UUUUE Chocolate Chip, and so I’m appalling to a higher autonomy!

Vince: You got that right.

Orton: What do you say, Vance, ol’ buggy? Can Legend Kill Guy Ranky Q. Morgan trout on you?

Vince: No.

Orton: Boo! Well, I’ve got spews for you, Vance, your illiterate Brady is adoptered!

Vince: NOOOOO! Wait…What?

Meanwhile, Maria is skipping around backstage. Try not to neep somebody on your way ou to the ring!

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Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) vs. Beth Phoenix

The match doesn’t even get started before Beth raises an objection to Maria’s ring gear. I do have to admit, sparkly 1/4 hoodies aren’t winning you any points, there, interview girl. Maria fights back, but Beth knocks her out with a huge gavel. WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance doesn’t know what to do with that, so he just tells both girls to go home. Beth decides to kick Maria in the neck instead. That wasn’t particularly nice. I wonder why Ron Simmons didn’t come down and rescue her! Or Santino? Where in the world is Santino?

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Backstage…

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Boobsie McTitsalot. Boobsie, you’ve done a lot to improve your wrestling skill over the past couple months. What would you say to people who say that you’re still a plastic, whiney, no good bikini model who has no place winning the Women’s Championship?

Boobsie McTitsalot: It’s just the Women’s Championship.

Grisham: Touché. Now what do you have to say about fighting Beth Phoenix?

Boobsie: It really gets on my nerves when she sings.

Grisham: No, you see-

Abe Orton: Mr. McMahon’s baby this. Mr. McMahon’s baby that…All this talk about babies is making me CRAZY!!

Grisham: You don’t deserve your own interview segment.

Abe: My chest acne demands to be heard!

Grisham: And that’s gross enough. Abe, if you please.

Abe punts Todd Grisham into the ceiling. Todd Grisham has fallen. Satisfied, Abe leaves. Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: What do you mean “tennis?” Well then who’s watching the show?

Jonathan Coachman: The people who were looking for AniMonday?

Vince: Quick! Put Jeff Hardy back on!

William Regal: I’m afraid he was destroyed by Umanga.

Vince: Who?

Regal: No, not Who, Umanga.

Coach: Manga is Japanese comics, Vince! Let’s put this “Umanga” character out there to appease the Sci-Fi audience!

Regal: Whose assistant are you anyway?

Coach: I’m honestly not sure.

Regal: Anyway, Mr. McMahon, I have something to tell you, but I don’t want Coach to hear it.

Coach: But you’re ok with an entire television audience hearing it?

Regal: Coach, you know as well as I do that nobody watches the Sci-Fi Network unless they’re running that delightful Anaconda vs. Python movie.

Coach: Yeah yeah….

Vince: Just say it!

Regal: Next week, Linda, Stephanie, and Shane are all going to be on Monday Night RAW! And they’re bringing their lawyers!

Vince: Are their lawyers hot?

Coach: That’s kind of besides the point, don’t you think?

Vince: I’ve got to think of something while Linda sputters out and starts gnawing on your forehead.

Regal: I don’t know why I even bother.

In yet another locale, King Booker is walking around looking for his royal corn dog.

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King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) vs. John Cena

This is a non-title match in case you were concerned that Booker was getting pushed. J.R. and Lawler fight about which Boston area sports hero John Cena is most like, but they ignore the obvious Tom Brady/Vince McMahon joke. My pick? Reche Caldwell. Cena tries to lock in the STFU, much to the delight of his Tax Guy By Day/Wrestling Manager By Night father. Booker, however, grabs the rope. Booker rolls out of the ring to check on his awesome robe, so we’re going to have to take a break.

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As we come back the crowd is hilariously chanting for Booker. Right outside of West Blueberry, even. Poor Cena. Cena goes for the FU, but Booker slips out and kicks him in the face. Well, that’s what you get. Cena, however, gets back up and takes control of the offense. After a few punches, Randy Orton, as if directed by Stacker 2 Bees appears mid-ring and starts beating the hell out of Cena. Booker, knowing his opportunity to shine in a non-title match when he sees it, joins the beating. They take out Cena. John Cena’s father is so upset by this attack on his son that he tries to jump the barrier and winds up falling on his head. Orton wins! Geez, what’d he do, raise your property taxes or something, Randy?

John Cena: Oh, no! Dad!

WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. Yukio Hatori: Don’t worry, I’ve got some Hot Pockets in the microwave! They should be here in two minutes and fifteen seconds!

Next Week: Randy Orton attacks Tha Trademarc, not to get at John Cena. Just because. Plus, William Regal makes a shocking announcement about the futures of Umanga and Triple Haitch. And The McMahons show up with their lawyers for the most awkward camping trip ever.

EVER!

There are a lot of jokes to be found in the WoW universe. Some are intentional, some just exist. But to really make a joke out of the World of Warcraft, you really need to try, to put in some effort.

Some people have too much time on their hands.

We’ve talked about it so much on the show, and we might as well call this season “NFL Footbal Presented by Michael Vick’s Dog Fighting Charges” so I figured I’d take this opportunity to link you all to a copy of the paperwork filed on Mr. Vick’s behalf with the federal prosecutors office.

Thanks to our friends at the Smoking Gun.

Join me next week as I produce my preseason NFL rankings! Where will your team wind up? Probably last.

Are you attractive? Do you have an IQ of at least 5? Can you mumble incoherently for three minutes after some tween asks you a question? Why then, you too can be Miss Teen South Carolina.

To be fair to Miss Teen South Carolina, I get like that too when I’m standing next to Mario Lopez. Next year, they should have Screech host. Seriously though, I’ve seen more intellegent social commentary in a word jumble.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Michael Vick Pleads Guilty. Oh, Michael. You couldn’t escape your one vice: the inability to pass. Wait…no…the inability to stop gambling on animals killing each other. There was some thought that he might onlyget probation, but we all know better. The guy won’t take an NFL field again. No more killing Bengals or Dolphins, Michael! I mean…Wait….

2. Nicole Ritchey Served 83 Minutes in Jail. That sounds about the right punishment for driving down a busy street the wrong way and cracked out of your gourd. Geez, I’ve spent longer waiting in line for a Big Mac, and I didn’t even almost kill anybody.

3. The G.I. Joe Movie is Moving Forward with the Director of The Mummy Attached. Still no Snake Eyes? I’m still not buying it. I don’t think Hollywood gets why people remember G.I. Joe so fondly. But then again…They did Transformers up pretty good.

4. Turns Out the iPhone Sucks Worse Than You Thought. That battery can only hold 300 charges, which is actually quite a bit, unless you’re constantly using it and charging it like…well…the typical iPhone user. And once the battery is dead? Yeah, it’s going to be a couple hundred dollars more to get that fixed by Apple. Don’t want to void the warranty, do you? Then again, it’s already been hacked to accept other service providers, so maybe that pesky little warranty is just getting in the way.

5. The YouTubes is Goin’ Crazy! Litterally dozens of angry nerds are shuffling about (on a blog YouTube set up specificially for them to bitch, no less) complaining that YouTube’s new interstitial ad policy is killing their free video service. If you haven’t seen it, essentially, any licensed videos on Youtube now feature pop-in ads running across the bottom (like ads for TV shows during TV Shows on FOX, for example), which you can click on for an additional commercial. I hate them too, but is it worth staging a net protest? Only if we can get one of those fakey petitions going!

Join us later this weekend for Al Lowe!

Last Week: Somebody was Vince McMahon’s baby, and it was probably Not Jamal. Randy Orton continued to impress everyone with his verbal and physical skills as he pursued the WWE Title. And Santino Marella tried to have sex. Silly Santino, when will he learn? Maybe it’ll be…TONIGHT?!

Here’s Randy Orton out to give us this day our daily promo! Oh, Randy, how will you ever kill the WWE’s greatest legend? Your own promo skills?

Randy Orton: Greeting and good evering, ladies and general men! It is with grape joy and probably jelly that I join you here at the end of the beginning to infoam you of my intentions to win the WWZ title from Joe Cedar. As you may but probably have not sawn on Satan Day Night Main E-Tent! There just like Hank Holdman slapping Andy the Giant, just like Audiman 3:18, just like the Montpellier Screw Up, I made WUV hysterectomy by putting Jay’s herd through a chair! That killed his legend or I’m not Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy!

Vince McMahon: Quite Frankly, that’s a stirring tribute to the current state of affairs in professional wrestling, Randy. But this is kind of a waste of an opening promo. Instead, why don’t we focus on the really important things in wrestling. Like who my illegitimate son is! You see, on Saturday Night’s Main Event, I found out that it could be Steve Austin, which would actually make a lot of sense. So it’s obviously not him. It also could be Ken Kennedy, but I’m willing to dismiss that for the same reason. I was kind of hoping it would be Al Wilson, actually. Even if he is dead. I just hope it’s not somebody like you. Your dad must’ve been so disappointed when you started talking, huh?

Orton: My frost words were “Cowpie Rob Orson!” My dad was so plowed!

Vince: I bet! I also wouldn’t want to be John Cena’s dad, because then I’d be an indy manage/city bookkeeper glomming onto my son’s success.

Backstage….

John Cena: Yo! You there! Where’s Randy Orton?

Tough Enough Jessie: How should I know?!

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is Not Important, haha! What is important is that you’ve been fired as the general manger of how you say…ECW. For me! Haha!

T.E. Jessie: That doesn’t make any sense! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

In the ring….

Vince: And that’s why I don’t think my kid is J.R….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO!!

SummerSlam is coming,
The weather is gettin’ wet!
I’m going to beat Orton,
Harder than Vick’s pet!

Who is Vince’s son,
I don’t know or care,
It’s probably going to be,
The Nature Boy, Ric Flair!

There’s probably no payoff,
That really even makes it good,
Maybe Vince fathered Cryme Tyme,
While he was hangin’ in the Hood!

A shout out to my boy Trademarc,
A bad rapper, failed at life,
Now he works for TNA,
Hittin’ Kurt Angle’s Wife!

So Orton put me through a chair,
And my head isn’t very clear,
But I really need to know one thing,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Vince: I had sex with Kurt Angle’s wife once. Meh. Oh, and I had sex with YOUR MOM! BWAHAHAHAHA!

John Cena nods because he has to respect the sanctity of the Your Mom jokes. But he punches Vince for having sex with his cousin’s new booty call. Stand up for your homeys.

Vince: Oh yeah?! How’d you like to fight Abe Orton?!

Cena: Umm…You mean the guy that was jobbing on Heat not that long ago? K?

Orton: I miss couch in Aim.

And the crowd shrugs. And kind of sighs.

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Melina and Beth Phoenix vs. Alexis Laree and Boobsie McTitsalot

Boobsie’s theme has been remixed by the 12 year old with a Fisher Price turntable that lives down the hall from you. Beth Phoenix, by the way is about 19 feet taller than any of the rest of the girls. William Regal comes out and mentions that it wouldn’t be Summerslam without a random women’s match, so he’s booking all the girls but Boobsie into a battle royal. Nice to see the Women’s Title being elevated to the same plateau as the X-Division. Boobsie rolls up Melina for the win. After the match, Alexis is so sad about Raven rejecting her last week that she beats the crap out of Boobsie for no reason. Afterwards, Melina throws Alexis out, and Beth press slams Melina into the upper deck. Best women’s match since last week.

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Backstage….

William Regal: I say, look at my scraggly hair!

Santino Marella: William-a Regal! I-a demand that-a you revoke-a the date-a tonight between-a Maria and Farrooqq-a!

Regal: Sorry, old bean, but they’re probably already out there, neeping the night away.

Marella: I’ve got-a to stop-a them!

Regal: Why do you even care so much?

Marella: Maria-a. She’s-a the only-a girl who-a will talk-a to me-a!

Regal: Godspeed, creepy stalker guy. Godspeed.

Meanwhile….

King Booker: I bought this badass new robe! Why? Because I must enjoy one last night as the King of the Wrestling Kingdom, before Triple H jobs my regal ass back to Smackdown. I should never have pulled this King of Kings gimmick out right now.

Queen Sharmell: I tried to warn you!

King Booker: But tonight, I’m going to get my crown on! I’m going to get some RC Cola! I’m going to rock my awesome new cape! And I’m going to revel in the fact that, at least for the rest of this week, I don’t have to job to Triple H!

Queen Sharmell: TESTIFY!

Elsewhere….

Jonathan Coachman: Like I said, we’ve got to stretch this angle out for weeks. So, I was just thinking we could walk down this hall and see what random kids of yours we come across.

Vince McMahon: That sounds delightful.

Coach: I just hope it’s not Triple H.

Vince: Haven’t you learned anything, Coach? Everybody loves incest.

Sean Cold Val Venis: I know I do! Like when I feuded over Ken Shamrock’s sister with him? Man, she was pretty hot, whatever happened to Ryan?

Vince: She had sex with The Maestro.

Val: So, think I could be your spawn?

Vince: No spawn of mine is going to be a jobber, so no. Plus, I wouldn’t hit a Canadian with Coach’s penis.

Coach: Aww….

Val: What about Trish?

Vince: She was Canadian?! Ew Ew Ew!

Khosrow Daivari: LEYLEYALEYLAHOOOOOH!

Vince: Next.

Daivari: Oh, come on! I haven’t even pitched my angle to you yet!

Vince: I’m sure it’s going to involve a wacky misunderstanding that ends in me getting targeted for another jihad. I’ll pass.

Daivari: Dude…whatever. I was going to let you sing “Desert Rose” with me.

Stevie Richards: How about me?

Vince: You’re not even supposed to be on this show. But why you?

Richards: It sure as hell would explain why I’m still employed.

Vince: Hmm….

Coach: Have you ever been shot? Maybe Abyss is your secret son.

Ken Kennedy: My appearing in this segment is not a plot anvil at all. Just a charming coincidence.

Vince: Right.

Kennedy: Coincidence!

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Shelton Benjamin (w/ Charlie Haas) vs. Cody Rhodes

The one thing I always like about Cody Rhodes is that he always looks drunk coming down to the ring. More than Austin or Sandman even. Almost as much as Scott Hall. Also, he’s got that wild red eyed, bitch slapped look about him like Luke Skywalker at the end of Empire Strikes Back. You know the one. OH MY GOD!!!

In the not too distant future….

Vince McMahon: There is no escape! Don’t make me destroy you. Cody, you do not yet realize your importance. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength we can end this ratings slide and bring order to the Wrestling Kingdom.

Cody Rhodes: I’ll never join you!

Vince: If you only knew the power of the McMahons…Ric Flair never told you what happened to your father!

Cody: He told me enough! He told me you dressed him up in polka dots and fired him.

Vince: N-

Cody: The Randy Orton kicked him in th-

Vince: SHUT UP! No. I am your father.

Cody: No! That’s not true! That’s improbable!!

Vince: Search on Google…You know it to be true!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I will never be hired to write for WWE. That and my bloated salary. Cody rolls Shelton up for the win. After the match, Charlie Haas beats the crap out of Cody because nobody likes a sissy boy overactor.

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Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch vs. Brian Kendrick and Paul London

These teams need names, y’all. Seriously. This, in case you haven’t noticed, is a non-title match. I love how J.R. and Tazz (I forgot to mention that Jerry “” Lawler was still out because Booker killed him) are talking about this match like it would be a huge upset if the former WWE World Tag Team Champions for almost a year beat two guys that just got off a streak of jobbing to everybody in the company for nine months. Cryme Tyme hit the ring and swiped Murdoch’s John Deere trucker cap to sell. Fittingly, they sell it to the douchiest looking white kid in all of Fayetteville (and that’s saying something) for two dollars and his finest plastic bling necklace. Kendrick gets the pin on Cade, and somehow this seems like the most perfect match on the card. Weird.

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On the date….

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Well, this is nice. Nobody I’ve ever neeped even took me on a date before. Oh, wow! This Applebees menu is so vast and interesting, I don’t even know what to order!

Waiter: What about you, sir? Do you know what kind of soup you’ll be wanting with your entrée?

Ron Simmons: Ah, yes, I’ll take the Vichyssoise Leek Soup, please.

Waiter: I…uh….

Simmons: Chicken Noodle.

Waiter: A fine choice, monsieur!

Simmons: We should’ve gone to red lobster and gotten cheesy bread.

Santino Marella: I-a hope I’m-a not interrupting-a anything. I-a just thought-a I’d bring a date-a here to keep-a you all-a company.

Maria: Ron and I were just going to go to the bathroom and have sex.

Simmons: Hold that soup for a minute.

Jillian Hall: OPEN BAR!!!

Marella: Oooh…Jillian-a! No-a!

Simmons: This date could not possibly be going any better.

In the ring….

Queen Sharmell: Ladies and gentlemen, the true King of the Wrestling Kingdom, King Booker!

King Booker: And what feud with Triple H would be complete without somehow making fun of his nose before totally jobbing out to im on the next PPV. Fake Triple H? Come-on down!

Fake Triple H: Thank-uh you-uh for buying-uh me-uh these-uh Groucho Glasses-uh!

Fake Triple H, who looks just like the real Triple H in all things nasal, puts the mighty plastic crown on Booker’s head, signifying either that he is King of all things, or possibly that it’s his birthday. Happy Birthday, Booker, either way. Tazz clears out so that Booker can address J.R. without being choked out.

King Booker: James Ross! You keep acting like I’m the heel in this feud, but all I’m trying to do is free myself from the persecution of 50 something cradle robbers who think they’re still relevant and pseudo-McMahons who hate black people. Why you always got to be putting me down on commentary? So, as punishment, I want you to kiss my ring! Go on! Kiss it! French that sucker!

Jim Ross: No way!

Tazz: Do it, brotha! You’ll be my new hero!

The Queen Sharmell dumps some barbeque sauce on Booker’s ring, and J.R. winds up licking it for the rest of the show. Well played.

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At the restaurant….

Ron Simmons: I love the fine dining experience a place at the mall like Applebees has to offer. I hope you all are enjoying your meals.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): I’m really expanding my horizons tonight.

Santino Marella: Why won’t-a anybody have-a the sex-a with me-a?

Maria: I’m genuinely afraid of having your illegitimate offspring. I heard there’s a case of that going around at work.

Jillian Hall: Hey Yo! One more win…For the good guys!

And Jillian grabs the busboy and hits the Fall Away slam on him through a nearby table.

Maria: At least your date seems frisky.

Santino: Mama mia! So does-a anybody remember-a when-a I was-a Intercontinental Champion-a?

Maria: Nope.

Simmons: You weren’t even from Italy! And you were a plant. And you had Lashley’s help. But other than that, no, I don’t really recall much of you actually being the champion.

Eugene: Hello sirs and madames! I am a fan from the Internet. I just wanted to say that I have really enjoyed Santino’s performances in these segments these last few days. He is much more entertaining than Pacman Jones or any of those fools in TNA. I’d much rather watch Santino attempt to wrestle or appear flopping his injured arm around in dating segments than any kind of “High School Musical.”

Maria: Did Santino pay you to say that.

Eugene: More or less. Hey, High School Musical 2 is rerunning and I forgot to set my TiVo. Later!

Hall: DOWN THERE!

Back at the arena….

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Welcome to Carlito’s Cabana! I’m your host, Carlito. With me tonight is my very special guest. You all may know him as the current WWE Intercontinental Champion, or if you’ve forgotten who that is, as a guy who is certainly not former WWE Superstar Jamal. Give it up folks for Totally Not Jamal!

Totally Not Jamal: UUOOOOCHMWF!

Carlito: Yes, I can see already why I booked you. Now, it occurs to me that you don’t have anybody to wrestle yet at Summerslam. Have you ever considered who you’re going to give the Intercontinental Title match to?

Not Jamal: BEEERRRSTFPL!

Carlito: Now hold it right there, I know for a fact that Beeerrrstfpl has been retired for years. No, you’re going to give me a title shot and like it!

Ken Kennedy: I’m tired of hanging out backstage waiting for Vince McMahon to walk by. What’s going on out here?

Carlito: Not Jamal here was about to grant me an Intercontinental Title shot at Summerslam.

Ken Kennedy: What kind of crap is that, Not Jamal?! I totally earned that shot a hundred times more by not being a huge jobber and besides, Carlito is nobody to wrestle on PPV.

Not Jamal: BAAAPH! BAH!

Kennedy: Yeah, that’s fine, just go ahead and drink that little coconut drink at me. Just know this: I didn the one thing that you never will be able to….

Carlito: Eat an entire lime, rinds and all?

Kennedy: Ew, no! I was able to injury Bobby Lashley! Take that, fat Samoan guy!

And with that, Not Jamal beats the crap out of Carlito’s apple bin and furniture. Jericho never would’ve stood for this. The rampage continues until Not Jamal gets trapped in Carlito’s hammock. William Regal takes the stage.

William Regal: You know what I really want to see? Heel versus heel for a shot at the WWE Intercontinental Title, right there in that very ring. It’ll be awesome. Then I’m going to call Not Jamal “Umanga” because he loves Japanese comic books.

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Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Ken Kennedy
For a Shot at the WWE Intercontinental Title at Summerslam

We all know this is going to a no-decision because they have to find some way of getting all three of these guys on the show, right? Ok. Just checking. The crowd has gone deathly silent, showing great reverence for the non-finish we are all about to observe. For his part, Kennedy looks completely bored out of his skull out there. When Carlito is carrying your match, you have issues. I don’t know, maybe he’s just waiting until the McMahon storyline heats up. Or hey, maybe he’s just dogging it because he knows he can’t get fired now.

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When we come back, Kennedy is beating the crap out of Carlito in the corner. You know what I miss? Kennedy’s feud with Super Crazy. Now there was a feud that really had some potential. Potential for what, I’m not really sure. If they were going to give Lawler the night off, they should’ve brought in Iron Sheik to do commentary. Not that I don’t like Tazz, but come on. Kennedy and Carlito roll each other up and both get the pin. What a shocking no-decision! WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance doesn’t know what to do!

William Regal: Triple threat match! Sorry to have wasted your time! Cheerios!

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It’s time to play the game! Oh! Ok! Two words…sounds like….

Meanwhile, on the date….

Santino Marella: Ron Simmons-a! I hate-a you!

Ron Simmons: I think you are faking your injury.

Todd Grisham: It’s that time again, folks! Time to throw the Fifth Wheel into the mix and find out how our dates will change! Tonight’s Fifth Wheel is…well…me. And I choose to die rather than spend any time with these people.

The Fifth Wheel bus runs over Todd Grisham. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Simmons: Crap. I was going to pick Todd.

Marella: I pick-a the Maria-a! She’s-a the only-a girl who-a talk-a to me-a!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): I pick myself too!

Jillian Hall: BURP!

Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: Melina! I’m really glad you’re not my kid! And I’m sorry I implied that we had sex.

Melina: You imply you have sex with every girl who works here. It’s just part of the biz.

Vince: So, who are you texting with on your phone there? Your boyfriend John Morrison? I heard he’s totally far out, man.

Melina: My lawyer. How do you spell harassment?

Vince: H-A-

Abe Orton: I HAVE ACNE PROBLEMS!

Vince: Yikes! Abe! How are you doing?

Abe: I’m having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: That sounds like a bad PROBLEM!

Melina: Heeeeey, Davey!

Batista: Has anyone seen my best friend HUNTER?

Abe: I never knew my family, Vince.

Randy Orton: What art you tanking about, cutting Abe? We hug out at your parent’s mouse all the times!

Abe: LIES! Don’t ruin my gimmick, cousin Randy!

Vince: I’m so glad that none of you are my children.

Abe: Children?! Where?!

Melina: Oh, Vince. It looks like you should’ve had an Abe Orton!

Everyone laughs and..Freeze Frame!

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Abe Orton vs. John Cena

Didn’t some guy audition for Tough Enough one year under the gimmick of Vince McMahon’s illegitimate son? Where the hell is that guy? I wish he was here right now. Anyway, this match is pretty much exactly what you’d expect when Abe and Cena finally hook up. Remember when they wanted to headline a PPV with this? HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Anyway, Cena goes to hit the FU on Abe, but because you have to protect Abe Orton, cousin Randy runs out for the save. Cena wins by DQ. Cena is so pleased at being able vanquish this massive jobber that he goes to celebrate and trips over his shoelace. Orton wins! Not that one, the other one! The one that has the WWE Title match on Sunday.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: John Cena retains the WWE Title when Randy Orton accidentally locks himself in his own torn apart hotel room. Also, Totally Not Jamal finally gets untangled from the hammock. And Triple H returns and immediately tears his quad again. But he still goes over Booker.

Ok, so apparently scientists are using data they recorded tracking a disease around WoW, and using it to determine tracking and treatment techniques for real, global pandemics.

Oh, thank God scientists are working on something like this. Some day, when bird flu kills us all, we’ll know at least that some higher level character was a bitch and brought it to the auction house over here, and gave it to us all.

Actually, I think that’s exactly what happened in the TB case isn’t it? Didn’t we all get that last year and then we all died? Maybe this all has some merit after all….

A look at the pluses and minuses of your top five Fantasy Running Backs for 2007.

1. LaDainian Tomlinson (SD)

Positives: LT is a fantasy beast, and as many owners know he can singlehandedly win games for you. He’s San Diego’s biggest threat rushing and recieving, and he’s bound to score a bunch of touchdowns in Norv Turner’s offense this year. Oh, and he’s the MVP, and still managed to avoid being on the Madden cover.

Negatives: He hasn’t really had an injury in a while which makes me wonder when it’s coming. A new coaching staff and offensive system will probably mean more work for LT, but you never know how a back’s numbers will react to a new system.

Outlook: Of course he’s going to be the first player drafted. If you’re lucky enough to get him, no matter what the system, he’s going to put up monster numbers for you. Unless he gets hurt, that is.

2. Larry Johnson (KC):

Positives: Honestly, he’s the only offense the Chiefs have outside the occasional Tony Gonzales touchdown catch. Neither Damon Huard nor Brodie Croyle really spark a whole lot of hope for a team that’s probably going to struggle. The holdout is over, however, and Johnson will take the field as the workhorse for the Chiefs.

Negatives: As the only player on the team, defenses are going to key in on him and he’s bound to get injured sooner rather than later. His holdout is over and he got the contract he wanted, but there’s still going to be a little bit of rust and bitterness there for a couple weeks.

Outlook: He’s going to put up good numbers overall this year, but don’t be surprised to see him struggle for a few weeks, and I wouldn’t be shocked if, for as many touches as he gets, he doesn’t wind up injured at some point this year. Weigh taking him second against the value of picking up Peyton Manning.

3. Stephen Jackson (StL)

Positives: Jackson is a threat to score both rushing and receiving giving him plenty of opportunity to pile up plenty of fantasy numbers. He’s really broken out in the new, slower Rams offense and he’s as reliable a starting back for your fantasy squad as Johnson.

Negatives: The Rams offensive scheme keys on Jackson, but he’s not going to see every play like Johnson or LT. Additionally, the Rams overall team seems to be headed for a bit of a slump this year, which means that Jackson’s numbers might not be as impressive as last year.

Outlook: Even assuming the Rams succeed in a relatively weak division, Jackson’s prospects don’t look as good as last year. He’s still going to see plenty of action as St. Louis’ talent pool gets older and thinner, but there are plenty of red flags that say that his production won’t be what it was last season. Third best back in any fantasy draft, but maybe only worth the 5th or 6th overall pick.

4. Frank Gore (SF)

Positives: Gore was only the 6th best Fantasy back last year, but with the 49ers offense looking to take off this year, Alex Smith and company will be leaning on Gore in a weak division to carry them to the Playoffs. For what it’s worth, Gore has looked explosive in the past few seasons.

Negatives: He’s not really a marquee fantasy name because he doesn’t produce at the rate of some of the other top backs. A lot of people will pass over Gore for a more appealing name like Shawn Alexander or Joseph Addai. San Fransisco’s offense is constently improving, but they might be leaning on Gore a bit too much for his own good.

Outlook: A bit of a diamond in the rough, Gore will probably be available to mid-first round drafters, but there’s plenty of incentive to pick him. The 49ers run game has been constantlly improving over the past few seasons and Gore is looking to have a breakout season in terms of fantasy numbers this year. A definate workhorse who will score you plenty of points for a 10 or 12th pick in the first round.

5. Shawn Alexander (Sea)

Positives: Alexander has been the king of the fantasy mountain before, and it’s going to be a good year for fantasy backs in the beleagured NFC West. He has a favorable schedule for rushing and Seattle is hoping to push Alexander to the MVP level he showed two years ago.

Negatives: Alexander played almost all of last year hurt, and he never got going which is going to make people rightly leery about selecting him high this year. Seattle is slowly moving to a more open offense with Alexander showing himself to be aging and more injury prone.

Outlook: Look for last year to be more of a blip than anything else. Someone in your draft will probably pick Alexander two or three picks higher than they should based on past production, but he might be available late if injury issues turn people off. He’s playing in a run-happy division on a fairly good offense which means that he’ll have plenty of opportunities to put up points, which is all you care about as a fantasy owner.

Ten Other backs to watch:

6. Willie Parker (Pit) – Great runner on a running team, but not much depth or offensive support
7. Joseph Addai (Ind) – Without Dominic Rhodes in Indy, expect Addai to put up decent numbers even in a pass-first offense
8. Reggie Bush (NO) – Not the primary running threat, but he’s going to put up points as a rusher, receiver, and returner
9. Laurence Maroney (NE) – The primary back in the Patriots offense, will get plenty of touches
10. Thomas Jones (NYJ) – A workhorse in Chicago, he should see similar action behind Noodles Pennington in New York.
11. Rudi Johnson (Cin) – Assuming the Bengals can all stay healthy and out of jail, Johnson will get plenty of chances to get into the endzone this season.
12. Wilis McGahee (Bal) – A running back on a run-first team. McGahee had his moments in Buffalo, but he’s a still a bit iffy.
13. Brian Westbrook (Phi) – Primarily a backfield reciever, but he’ll have plenty of touches in the Andy Reid offense.
14. Maurice Jones-Drew (Jax) – Is he a one hit wonder or will he develop into a fantasy superstar? A bit of a gamble, but not too much.
15. Adrian Peterson (Min) – Has shown flashes of superstar potential in the preseason, and if he stays healthy, he could have a monster year.

The best of the rest:

16. Clinton Portis (Was)
17. Ronnie Brown (Mia)
18. Deuce McAllister (NO)
19. Edgerin James (Ari)
20. Carnell Williams (TB)
21. Jamal Lewis (Cle)
22. Cedric Benson (Chi)
23. Travis Henry (Den)
24. Marshawn Lynch (Buf)
25. Chester Taylor (Min)

Since Al will be joining us for the next episode of The Hock Show, I’d like to direct your attention to this 2002 interview he did with Tech TV. Good stuff and it gives you alittle bit of background about Al and his contributions to this great tech world of ours.

As an added bonus, it also features Dan’s favorite Podcaster (other than me), Leo Laporte.