1. A professor at Rutgers Says That Allowing Stupid Minority Athletes into Schools Is Ruining America’s Colleges. It sounds racist, but it really isn’t. Look, I’m all for the idea that underprivalaged children should get breaks when they’re trying to get into college, reguardless of race, creed, sex or whatever, but if you can throw 70 yards but can’t spell, “cow” correctly…I can’t help you. Then again, this is Rutgers we’re talking about here, so I’m not sure this guy has a point.

2. Halo 3 Makes $170 Million in First Day Sales. Interestingly enough, if online experience says anything, every copy was bought by a 13 year old, racist, boy from the South who speaks nothing but 1337 speak and swearing.

3. Microsoft dumps $500 Million into Facebook. Do you suppose Bill Gates and Max were just on a weekend bender and decided to blow all the Halo 3 money? Then they’re going to wake up next week and realize that they just spend half a billion dollars on what amounts to around 1/5th of the World’s second biggest social network?

4. Noted designer, philanthropist, and bad game maker Mark Ecko Is Donating the Barry Bonds Record Breaking Ball to the Baseball Hall of Fame. With, of course, an asterisk attached thanks to the fan vote on Ecko’s website. No word on whether or not the ball will go on display in Cooperstown, but I’m just happy this kept Ecko away from designing weird clothes for a few days.

5. Apparently, Can Collecting is Big Business. The State of Michigan is investigating an interstate rackateering ring that somehow turned empty bottles and cans into $500,000 thanks to the state’s 10 cent turn-in laws. Forgetting for a moment that this was a plot for a Seinfeld episode, the real winners here are the homeless. Have you seen their carts full of cans and bottles? Those guys are loaded.

Last Week: On some other show (TNA, maybe?) WWE and Theodore Long staged the greatest wedding/death in wrestling history. In the history of our great sport. Also, Cody Rhodes attempted to turn heel but just ended up pissing off Randy Orton. And, Vince McMahon attempted to sell his son, Hornswaggle, into child slavery. Who will he “give up for adoption“…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Jonathan Coachman is already in the ring, and he introduces Vince McMahon by way of insulting Randy Orton.

Jonathan Coachman: We decided to suspend Randy Orton for thinking any of us were dumb enough to buy his “getting married” excuse when we know he’s just sitting around his hotel room getting crunked and hitting on the old ladies in the room next to his. Now, here’s Vince McMahon!

Vince McMahon: Yes, thank you for that stirring introduction, Coach. However, I have no interest in talking about the WWE Title situation. I must talk about someone more important than the WWE Champion. That’s right, Triple H! Because, you see, Triple H is dominating RAW again. And I can’t have that happen! So I’m going to embarrass him! By giving him a huge segment in the second hour! In a cage match! Against Carlito!

Coach: Dude, even I could beat Carlito right now.

Vince: And his tag team partner…ME!

Coach: Oook?

Vince: I guaran-damn-tee it! Now, to address another issue, I’d like to call out my son, Hogwild!

Coach: The WCW PPV?

Hornswaggle: I think he’s talking to me.

Vince: Hogwarts, I know I tried to give you away to the Webster family last week. But that was just a test. You see, most of my bastard children only want me for my money. Only a child who really loves me would form a midget union with Emmanuel Lewis and hijack my limo. That’s why I’d love to accept you as my own personal doppleganger.

Finlay: Take him. He was more over than me anyway.

Hornswaggle: Awesome! I can’t wait to abuse my powers by firing Shannon Moore!

Vince: Daffney? Whatever. Listen, to be successful as a personality in this company, you’re going to need a slutty valet. And I’ve got the sluttiest valet in the whole business lined up for you!

Hornswaggle: Dawn Marie?

Vince: Um…Second Sluttiest?

Hornswaggle: Oh! Melina!

Melina: I’m not really sure I appreciate any of that conversation.

Vince: Mick Foley must be so proud!

And then Hornswaggle does a running header right into her crotch.

Vince: Hooligan and Melina, everybody! The next great couple!

Coach: William Regal’s not at all conspicuous suspension ends next week, and I was just wondering if it wouldn’t be better just to promote me to full-time GM even after he does come back.

Vince: No. Now who wants pie?

John Cena runs out and starts throwing chairs at Coach and Vince until he is subdued by Local Indy Workers. Dude, you could’ve just said, “Yes, I’d like some pie.”

Vince: Looks like somebody is cranky. Well, I’m the only one who gets to be cranky around here. So, for your insubordination, I’m going to book you in a main event match tonight! Against yourself!

Cena: And if I lose?

Coach: John, if you’re fighting yourself, then of cou-

Vince: If you lose to yourself, then Coach here will get to decide which of you gets the WWE Title! Or maybe neither of you will get it.

Coach: Vince, that makes no-

Cena: You’re on! I’m going down! You hear me, John Cena?! I’m GOING DOWN!

(ads)

Cody Rhodes vs. Hardcore Holly

Lillian Garcia tried really hard to sell Holly’s return, but Milwaukee couldn’t care less. You had to bring him back in the South, idiots. Holly grabs a mic and says that Cody Rhodes is going to have to beat some respect out of him. Look out, Cody! He’s going to give you an arm infection! Or beat you in the face. One or the other. Cody goes up top and has to wait for twenty minutes for Holly to friggin’ turn around so he can miss the cross body. It’s pretty bad when the guy who’s had about ten matches so far on RAW looks more like a veteran than you, Sparky. After all that, Holly wins with an Alabama Slam. Clearly, I’m thrilled that he’s come to RAW.

(ads)

Stone Cold Steve Austin signed copies of the Condemned on DVD at some FYE. Were you there? If you were? For shame!

And now, for something completely different.

Randy Orton: Lannies and general men, it is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy! Josh Splenda, you must think you’re pretty cold, throwing turnswaggles and sailing your father! Well, I’m the one that’s pretty! Me! Pretty Randy Orton who is Pretty! And you’re going to find that out at WWG No Memory, when I take you on in a Laugh Man Stalling match. No Brody is better at stalling than Ranky Q. Morgan!

Tough Enough Jessie: Randy! You’re suspended! Get out of here!

Orton: Tanned Enough Jerry, Will you married me?

T.E. Jessie: No! WAAAAAAAH!

Santino Marella and Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) are standing in the ring. What ever could they be doing there?

(ads)

Santino Marella vs. Ron Simmons
For the Rights to Neep Maria

Hell, sign me up. I’d neep it…even after I know where it’s been. We could make her a title belt! Anyway, before either guy can get out their hot T-Shirt selling catchphrases, Santino bails. Dude, Ron Simmons hasn’t really wrestled for years at this point, and he’s probably still mourning the death of his best friend Mr. Peanuthead, so you could probably finally get a win here. Santino comes in, suffers some classic Ron Simmons “standin’ around offense” and bails again for the count out. Match of the Year.

Ron Simmons: This was not my best match.

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2007~!~! The brunette one was eliminated. No, not that one, the other one.

Melina is hanging out backstage.

Melina: How does he grow his beard like that?

Jillian Hall: Hey, yo. I don’t know how you can stand to date a midget.

Melina: Jillian, midgets are people too. Don’t hate.

Jillian: You’re right, Melina. I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here today.

Melina: Besides, I used to have sex with Batista.

Jillian: I think that’s illegal in seven states. Oh, and remember when you used to wear thigh high Christmas stockings with normal outfits? You’re not exactly the belle of the ball either.

Melina: Cram it, Rice Krispie face. Can you keep a secret?

Jillian: You mean me and this camera, broadcasting to millions of people around the world?

Melina: Yes.

Jillian: Yeah, ok.

Melina: I’m just doing this for a WWE Women’s title match.

Jillian: There’s only, like, seven of us to go around. Geez, you are a whore.

Elsewhere….

Lance Cade: Tag teams should have more respect around here! Who are the tag team champions? Let’s take them out!

Trevor Murdoch: Dude, we are the tag team champions.

Cade: See how I just did that? Awesome.

Rory McAllister: They finally let us off of Internet Heat!

Robbie McAllister: Now give us a tag team title shot!

Cade: I have no idea who you guys are.

Murdoch: I do, but I could’ve sworn you got fired, like, six months ago.

Rory: Check out my penis!

Robbie: Ach. Four hundred years of this crap.

Triple H vs. Vince McMahon and Carlito Caribbean Cool
In a Cage Match

See it doesn’t work if Hunter is already killing half the roster. Just putting Carlito in a cage doesn’t work. I guess putting him in there with Vince…Reinforces the point that Vince is a better wrestler than Trevor Murdoch? I guess I can live with that. Carlito distracts Hunter by waving his hair around, so Vince can escape, but Trips isn’t having any of that. That’s why you should never have agreed to the haircut, Carlito. I don’t care if your gel was causing wellness issues. Sadly, that’s all that has happened so far in this match. Let’s break for lunch.

(ads)

Everybody’s fighting on top of the cage, which is a pretty good spot for that. I wonder what would happen if Vince and Hunter both fell off into the ring and got hurt? Would Carlito finally win a match? Carlito manages to get a hold of HHH and lets Vince get over the top to win the match. I guess a win is a win, no matter how you get it, right? Triple H, flummoxed over his loss, hits Carlito with a Pedigree and then beats him until he bleeds. Well, I’m glad everybody’s got their priorities straight.

(ads)

Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Nobody ever says if this is a title match or not, so I’m just going to pretend it was. Did I just spoil the ending sort of? Sorry. Anyway, the story of the match is that Cade and Murdoch have London under control while Kendrick does backflips in the corner. Brian gets the hot tag and a Sliced Bread #2 on Murdoch, but the Highlanders run out and punt him for the OMG QUICKENING~! I mean…I guess they’re doing something. The Highlanders celebrate their nefarious deeds while Cody Rhodes seethes backstage.

Meanwhile, Melina is taking a shower. As all midgets are creepy stalkers (and if you don’t believe me, ask Dean Malenko), Hornswaggle stands outside watching her from underneath her towel. She grabs for the towel, sees Hornswaggle and freaks out, running naked through the backstage area. Sadly, she did not react to the fact that there was a camera practically up her ass in this scene.

(ads)

Vince is packing his luggage.

Jonathan Coachman: Boss! Where are you going?

Vince McMahon: I’ve worked enough hours tonight, Coach. I’m leaving early.

Coach: You’re not running from Triple H, are you?

Vince: Actually…I’ll be honest with you Coach…I’m going to get in line for Halo 3. I’ve got to find out how Master Chief’s fight ends.

Coach: Pick me up a copy of the one with the little helmet, would you?

Vince: No.

Santino Marella reviews The Condemned.

Santino Marella: It’s-a WWE Film-a! What-a more do you-a want me-a to say-a?

We now return you to Vince McMahon packing, already in progress.

Triple H: Trying to avoid me, Vince?

Vince: Hmm? Nah. I’m going to go get me a copy of the new Halo!

HHH: Oh, awesome! I’ll come. I’m going to get one of those ones with the little helmets. Hey, do you want to play against me on X-Box Live next week?

Vince: It beats working!

(ads)

Jeff Hardy and Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Shelton Benjamin and Beth Phoenix

Beth is bigger than Shelton. Ain’t no stoppin’ him from being tiny…NAH! Jeff Hardy runs around and hands out glowsticks because nothing says “Professional Wrestling” more than trying to start a rave. At least Jeff isn’t throwing glow in the dark paint at everything anymore. Remember when he’d cover half his opponent in paint? That was pretty cool. And probably unsanitary. Beth hits Shelton with a gavel, and Boobsie is still dancing to her music. Hey, I guess it is kind of like a rave. All eyes on ME ME ME ME ME!

(ads)

I really hate that theme music. Hate it so much I love it. Memememememememe! Somehow, the synthesis of teaming with Jeff Hardy has turned Boobsie into Matt Hardy, so she starts pointing at her head and yelling, “Yaaaaaah!” before she does anything. I wish that worked with Matt. MVP could come out with rainbow hair and blow spots. Kind of like Shelton! Wrestling really is an art form. Beth Phoenix, who is apparently still part of this match, hits Boobsie with the Not Guilty Suplex for the win. Me ME ME ME ME ME ME!

Backstage, Jonathan Coachman is with the…um…Press.

Jonathan Coachman: Ok, everybody! I forgot. Randy Orton was only suspended for this week. And only from wrestling. Not from interviews. It’s the Orton Exception Volume 2. Also, John Cena is about to be stripped of the WWE Title. Any questions.

Reporter: This isn’t even really news.

Reporter 2: Yeah! You told us that you were going to hand out a list of all the druggies on the roster.

Rob Van Dam: Duude! You Narc! My career is ruined!

Coach: You don’t even work here any more, Rob.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Reporter 3: I’m not even a real reporter!

Coach: Ugh! Where’s the guy from WWE Magazine?

Vince Russo: Screw you! And God Bless.

Save Us 222? What does that mean? Well…Either it’s Chris Jericho coming back to save us or…wait…2 + 2 + 2…Damien 666!!! Finally!

(ads)

Jonathan Coachman is in the ring with a bunch of Local Indy Workers.

Jonathan Coachman: Hello everyone! It’s me, the Coach. Tonight, in this very ring, John Cena will either give up the WWE Title or I will have these Local Indy Workers strip him of the title. So, John, why don’t you come out here and defend yourself.

John Cena comes to the ring.

John Cena: ….

Coach: What’s the matter, John? Aren’t you going to say something?

Cena: ….

Coach: So that’s it? No battle rap? No crying about your dad? No attempts to point out that we’d never blow your one year title reign on a guy who we can’t count on to keep his face out of hookers and blow for long enough to cut a promo about apples and orangutans?

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Lillian: And by order of Mr. McMahon, this is now a tables match for the WWE Title!

Coach: So that’s why there’s a table.

Jonathan Coachman vs. John Cena
In a Tables Match for the WWE Heavyweight Title

I have to say, Coach has definitely earned a title shot. He’s easily the fifth or sixth best wrestler on RAW right now. John Cena picks up Coach and tosses him through the table that was conveniently set up in the ring for no reason at all prior to this. Cena wins! That was a thrilling title defense. I just can’t wait until they do a Punjabi Table Match on a Pole at the next PPV. After that’s all over, the Mr. McMahon in question is revealed to be…None other than towel stealing Hornswaggle McMahon the Third! Everyone shares a laugh. Hijinx have ensued!

Vince Russo: SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Next Week: More hints for Damien 666’s big return. Plus, Hornswaggle’s feud with Jonathan Coachman continues when Coach and Jamie Knoble trap the poor guy inside keg. And the Highlanders heel turn is derailed by the fact that they don’t even get on RAW again for another six weeks.

Places of Interest

Darnassus
Dolanaar
Shadowglen

The starting zone for all Night Elf characters, Teldrassil is both a blessing and a curse. Everything is easy to find and travel time across the whole zone is only a few minutes. It’s loaded with nice, low level mobs and quests, so leveling at low levels is extremely easy. However, Teldrassil and the Night Capital Darnassus are so far removed from anything that it often feels empty and isolated from the hussle and bustle of cities like Ironforge and Stormwind.

Some like the peace and quiet. It’s probably the second safest zone in the game from Horde raids (the other being, of course, Exodar), especially given that the only way Horde can reach the city is by boat from Auberdine. Also, new players will have access to Darnassus extremly early in their training from the Shadowglen, much like Human players can easily dart into Stormwind right after the introduction. However, there never feels like much to do in Darnassus, and even Night Elf players will probably rather set up shop in Ironforge or Stormwind after their characters have done the relatively care free set of quests on their island.

Mining: Nothing. There’s no copper to be had here, making it extremely difficult for Night Elves to take up the mineral heavy arts. Darkshore, the Night Elf secondary zone, is a fair option for mining, but most elves will pick a different profession out of need.

Herbalism: Peacebloom, Silverleaf, Earthroot, Mageroyal, Swifthistle. The most material rich starting zone in the game for low level Herbalists and Alchemists, it is very easy to level into the second tier of Herbalism by the time you ship off for brighter pastures. Especially with the rare Mageroyal node here and there. The game designers essentially chose for you here.

Cloth: Linen It’s not extremely plentiful, but there’s enough furlbogls around Gnarlpine hold in the south west that a persistant tailor will be able to gather plenty of linen to power through the Apprentice level tailoring skill.

Leather: Light Leather, Ruined Scraps Lots of owls, boars, and Nightsabers fill the island, which won’t leave you with a want for leather. Maybe not as easy to level as it is in Dun Morough, but it’s definately a viable option for the young tailor or leatherworker.

All in all, Teldrassil is both the perfect and worst starting zone. It’s perfectly isolated and quiet for new players to get a feel for the game and level characters, but it’s highlighted with such a lack of action that older or more group oriented players will find it too quiet or boring. Expect to have fun getting a feel for the game in this starting zone, and maybe visit a few times a year for quests, holidays, or to buy your Night Elf mount, but little else.

1. Indianapolis Colts: The champs still reign after another tight game against what should be a lesser opponent. Don’t make the mistake of taking Tennessee or Houston lightly this year though. The Colts haven‘t found their groove, but they still haven‘t been beaten. Last Week: 1

2. New England Patriots: Do you think they serve crow at Tom Walsh‘s bed and breakfast? The Patriots have been dominant, but they face the biggest challenge so far of the season this week when they take on the Bengals. Not that it‘ll be hard to beat on the Bengals defense, but the Cincinnati offense will give them fits.Last Week: 2

3. Pittsburgh Steelers: Big Ben and the Steelers offense are positively rolling now, and the defense is more than holding its own. When asked about the success of his former team, Coach Bill Cowher frowned and nailed me in the eye with his chin. Have fun coaching the Browns next year, jerk. Last Week: 3

4. Dallas Cowboys: The Dallas Cowboys are the pride of the NFC. Kind of like how that old rusty Honda Civic is the pride of your garage. It‘s a sad state of affairs, but at least it‘ll get you around, and they have pimped out rims and…wait…where was I going with this analogy? Last Week: 5

5. Tennessee Titans: There‘s no question about it right now. The Titans are playing as well as anybody. There’s no shame in losing a close one to the Colts, and Vince Young is deftly avoiding the Madden Curse. If somebody could convince Jeff Fisher to lose that creepy goatee, it’d be all roses for the Titans. Last Week: 12

6. Green Bay Packers: America’s most surprising team continues to roll on, defying common sense at every turn. Packers fans have responded to their team’s unexpected success by drinking a twelve pack of Coors and eating an entire block of cheese. Or, as it’s known in Green Bay: Wednesday. Last Week: 8

7. Denver Broncos: No shame losing to the Jaguars the way they did, but Denver better learn to live with Jay Cutler not being John Elway. Otherwise, in three years he‘ll have a wicked lumberjack beard and end up retiring to make popsicle stick figures rather than play for John Gruden. Last Week: 7

8. Baltimore Ravens: Kyle Boeller actually looked like a better late season option than Steve McNair last week, which is the kind of news that makes you shudder if you’re a Ravens fan. But cheer up, guys. In a league that’s looking weaker every week, consistency is all you’ll need to get to the Playoffs. Last Week: 9

9. Jacksonville Jaguars: I’m still actually not sure who the hell the 2007 Jacksonville Jaguars are, but for now they’re one of the strongest teams in the NFL. They beat Denver, but they’re going to have a tougher time going forward, especially so long as their starting QB continues to struggle with the offense. Last Week: 13

10. Seattle Seahawks: From 7 to 17 back to 10, the Seahawks pretty much exemplify every team in the NFL that isn’t New England, Indy or Pittsburgh this year. Are they on? Are they off? Which team will show up to the game this week, if any. A shining example of parity in the NFL, but one that has bookies in Vegas stabbing each other over preseason Chargers predictions. Last Week: 17

11. San Francisco 49ers: Issues? They have them. Frank Gore is playing extremely well, but the rest of the offense is playing like they‘re just there until the bye week hits. Then they‘re totally going to try harder. Promise. The defense, meanwhile, is providing consistent fantasy points. Nice work, gentlemen. Last Week: 11

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Maybe the second most surprising team in the NFL after Green Bay. John Gruden has Jeff Garcia playing like a well oiled machine. Well…A well oiled gay alien. Which is actually pretty much the hottest thing ever to hit Tampa, come to think of it. Last Week: 26

13. Carolina Panthers: You mean this team can win without Steve Smith?! Buh? Actually…They still can‘t. Dude was responsible for their last 67 yards of offense even though he never touched the ball. That‘s how much power Steve Smith has. Smith/Obama in 2007! Ok, not really. Actually, yeah. I’d vote for him. Last Week: 18

14. San Diego Chargers: The table has officially fallen out from under the Chargers. How in the world did Marty Schottenheimer win with this team? Clearly, the answer is to bring Marty back, and then triumphantly fire him every year before the playoffs and replace him with Bill Cowher. If that doesn’t work, just bitch to LT about how he’s killing Norv Turner’s fantasy team. Last Week: 4

15. Chicago Bears: Good news, everyone! The Bears have dumped Sexy Rex Grossman and the Brian Griese era has begun. But actually, Kyle Orton and his finely groomed neck beard are probably the better choice. After all, how awesome would it be watching the staff spraying Jack Daniels out of the Gatorade bottles to keep Kyle fueled during time outs? Last Week: 6

16. Cincinnati Bengals: They’ve got tons and tons of offense, and a huge void everywhere else. It’s like nobody realized that there was another whole different side of football to play. Bengals games are still worth watching though. After all, Chad Johnson hasn’t scored 16 touchdowns. Last Week: 10

17. Washington Redskins: Ladell Betts admitted Sunday that it would be hard to sleep after he got stood up twice at the goal line against the Giants. It will be even harder for Coach Joe Gibbs, who needs to leave his crypt every fifteen minutes to use the bathroom. Last Week: 16

18. Houston Texans: They stuck to it against the Colts, despite being down every receiver on the team. Somehow, Houston is finding itself in contention this season, which must make David Carr feel like a big dope. How could you not pass behind that crappy offensive line? Last Week: 14

19. Philadelphia Eagles: I’m pretty sure the Eagles were just crazy brave on Sunday. Like, “You know what? Screw it. Let’s score a trillion points and dress like a Division I team and see what happens. Yeah, they won. Yeah it was convincing. But you can’t convince yourself to be that good every week. Last Week: 24

20. New York Jets: The better New York team looked a lot better than they have so far this season. The offense, dare I say, looked competent this week. Renowned Noodle Arm Chad Pennington responded to this week‘s thrilling offensive showing by tearing off his arm and beating Eric Mangini.Last Week: 20

21. Detroit Lions: Here‘s a shocker for you, but the Lion‘s defense? Isn‘t as good as it looked the last two weeks. Not nearly. It’s never good when a gimpy Donavan McNabb can have his way with you. But something else for Lion’s fans to be concerned about? John Kitna is still the starting quarterback. No! Wait! I meant Calvin Johnson’s injury. Calvin Johnson’s injury. Last Week: 19

22. New York Giants: Remember when the Giants sucked? Like…Last week? Good times. Seriously, though, they’re not out of the woods yet, but they’ve got a few winnable games coming up. Expect the Tiki Barber cock block come Sunday though. “Tom Coughlin was mean to me! WAAAAH!” Last Week: 28

23. New Orleans Saints: Ok, reality check time. This team isn’t nearly as bad as it’s playing, but it’s not too early to start being worried about the lack of offensive production. Also, Jason David apparently was abducted by aliens this offseason and replaced with a guy who cannot play corner. They’d be better off signing a gimpy gazelle to play defense for them. Ok, I just wanted to type gimpy gazelle. Last Week: 15

24. Arizona Cardinals: Matt Leinart played poorly, so now the Cardinals are planning on playing Kurt Warner a few series every game to provide a bit of deep striking power during the course of the game. Hahahahhaha…Oh, Ken Whisenhunt, you might as well just turn the play sheet over to Brenda Warner right now. Gollum runs your team. Last Week: 22

25. Kansas City Chiefs: I don’t care how early in the season it is, a team this bad shouldn’t be in the hunt for a division title. The Chiefs did pick up a win this week, thanks to the Minnesota Vikings and their grand defensive scheme not to cover any receivers. Hey, some weeks you don’t need to steal signals, am I right, Herm? Last Week: 31

26. Minnesota Vikings: What, you mean Kelly Holcomb wasn’t the solution? Man. Local sportswriters are already bitching about Brad Johnson’s release, but…um…he wasn’t the answer either. The answer lies somewhere between Adrian Peterson somehow transforming into a truck, and the Vikings defense discovering the wonders of covering a wide receiver. Any one will work. Oh, and they got jobbed on that tight end pass in the end zone.Last Week: 21

27. Cleveland Browns: How they can manage to drop 52 points on the Bengals and then lose to Oakland is beyond me. I mean, not that I expect them to run up the score every time they touch the ball, but a little consistency would be nice. Is it too hard to suck all the time or something? Last Week: 23

28. Buffalo Bills: Trent Edwards. Trent Edwards. Roll it around in your head a little bit. Trent Edwards. No, that’s not the new Republican Presidential Candidate, that’s the new Buffalo Bills quarterback. No, it’s not as exciting or cool a name as “J.P. Losman” whose name sounds like a character from Dallas, but hey, maybe this guy will figure out who Lee Evans is. Last Week: 27

29. Oakland Raiders: OAKLAND WINS! OAKLAND WINS! Do you believe in Mircales?! One week after he healed John Kitna at halftime, God was traded to the Oakland Raiders as payment for taking Mike Williams, and he blocked Cleveland‘s game winning field goal try. Dante Culpepper even got in on the action, miraculously managing to hold onto the ball on nearly every snap.. Last Week: 29

30. Saint Louis Rams: Steven Jackson is hurt. The entire offensive line is hurt. Mark Bulger looks like Brenda Warner is stalking him again. The Rams are a mess, and while they’re playing in a very winnable division, they’re not going to win more than a handful of games this year. Unless, of course, they’re able to develop a time machine and sneak the 1999 Rams onto the field. Last Week: 25

31. Miami Dolphins: Well, I mean Ronnie Brown ran pretty well. And it was another close loss. Look, I‘m just digging for positive things to say about Cam Cameron‘s new look Miami Dolphins. Um…Hold on, I’m coming up on something here. The receivers actually caught a few balls? Sorry. It’s all I’ve got. Maybe next week, Dolphin’s fans. Last Week: 30

32. Atlanta Falcons: Joey Harrington went nuts against the Panthers defense. That’s the best I’ve seen Joey play since he was in college having billboards and monuments dedicated to his honor. But thanks to DeAngelo Hall basically going batshit insane after Steve Smith only caught one pass against him, the Falcons somehow found a way to lose. Thirteen more games, guys! Last Week: 32

I don’t know who Sherri Sheppard is, or why the hell Barbra Walters stuck her on the set of The View, but here is a clip of her admitting that she doesn’t know whether or not the world is flat.

I mean really.

Seriously?

Even Whoopi is looking at her all, “You didn’t just say that on National TV, did you?”

No wonder Barry Manilow doesn’t want to go on there. These women are legitmately crazy.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. An Anti-Trust Lawsuit Was Filed Against Cable. Not against Comcast or Time Warner, but the whole goddamn thing. The point of the suit is to stop Cable companies from packaging “Premium Chanels” at a hiked rate, but hell, we might get further trying to sue God. Oh Wait.

2. MIT Student Arrested for “Wearing Bomb Like Device” at the Airport. It’s just a circuit boar taped to a shirt, but seriously. You’re at MIT. You’re supposed to be smart. If your shirt has wires coming out of it you do not wear it to the airport Seriously. One look at her though, and you can totally tell that she was probably stoned as hell when she put that thing on, so whatever.

3. The Britney Guy Is Getting His Own TV Show. Are…are you kidding me? Is that all it takes to get on VH1? Rolling around crying about how mean the media is? Welll…actually, we already knew that. But why the hell don’t I have a goddamn show on VH1 yet? Seriously.

4. Open Office Is Outshipping Microsoft Office. Of course, it’s probably mostly because it’s free. And I hear Open Office is huge in Africa. My last Nigerian Prince birth certificate was written in Open Office. I’m going to be a millionaire thanks to that guy! Thanks Open Office!

5. Digg Is Getting a Myspace Makeover. Yeah, fantastic. Just what I need. I want to hang out with Kevin rose and his stupid pimp hat. I’m sure it’ll be wildly successful, with all the teen nerds suckling at K-Rose’s teet. Me? I’ve got fifteen billion friend profiles on the Internet already, and I hate all of them.

Last Night: John Cena successfully defended the WWE Title, meaning that his reign has climbed to one exciting year. Vince McMahon somehow managed to avoid signing the ownership of WCW over to his favorite son, Hippointer. And “Dick in a Box” won an Emmy. Who will win an Emmy…TONIGHT?!

It probably won’t be John Cena, but he’s in the ring anyhow.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOOO!

John Cena winning Emmys,
World’s Greatest Actor,
Getting an Oscar for The Marine,
DVD hotter than a reactor!

I hear the male fans booing,
Because they’re tired of John Cena,
All the children and women cheer,
Filling up the arena!

Last night I fought Orton,
His pretty ass got kicked,
I earned myself a DQ,
And my dad was really pissed!

Kicked Randy in the head,
Tried to end his damned career,
All that maters is one year later,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

Jonathan Coachman: Thank you for those stirring words, John. And while you will be taking on Randy Orton again this month because we fired or suspended everybody else that would’ve been a viable opponent, including Orton, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue, I’ve booked Orton versus Cena for tonight. But not, John Cena!

Cena: No! You don’t mean!

Coach: That’s right! I booked Mistaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Cena! Cena! And if he doesn’t wrestle…we’re stripping you of the title!

Crowd: YAY!

Cena: That’s ok! My dad will beat Orton like a cold knife through warm Pop Tarts.

Crowd: Boo…Wait, what?

Coach: Right.

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Shelton Benjamin vs. Jeff Hardy
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Shelton is apparently the “Blonde Bombshell” now. Couldn’t he have gone with a more innocuous color? Like blue? Jim Ross insists on mentioning that Shelton went to the University of Minnesota every ten seconds. This isn’t exactly the time to be parading that around, J.R. I mean, they didn’t lose to Appalachian State or anything, but dropping one to Florida Atlantic is…well, like losing your tag team partner and going back to jobbing in all kinds of singles matches. So it’s totally accurate. Sorry, Shelton. You’re a loser just like the Gophers.

(ads)

Did I mention that I went to Wisconsin? And we had trouble putting away Citadel, so it’s not exactly a good year for me to be trumpeting the values of my football program either. Hardy locks in an armbar, but he’s too woozy to do anything with it. Because he was crushed by The Great Khali and his Kona Crush last week. Remember? Heh. Me neither. Jeff dumps Shelton off the top rope, and Jeff hit’s the Swanton off the top for the win. After the match, Jeff decides to wear the Intercontinental Title as a necklace, before thinking better of it because it covers his entire face.

DIVA SEARCH 2007~! Update: They can’t play volleyball. I don’t know if any of them have names yet. But the blonde ones call themselves the “Blonde Bombshells.” Nice work, Shelton.

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: I’m not leaving this limo until I know for sure what the hell we were thinking when we made Hubbletelescope here my son.

Jonathan Coachman: I don’t know. I’ve spent the whole day practicing my “Mistaaaaaaaah Cena! Cena!” impression.

Vince: Impressive.

Hornswaggle: I’m eating Lucky Charms! Isn’t that crazy?!

Coach: Why is he taped to the seat?

Vince: Hell if I know. He did that to himself.

Hornswaggle: BWAHAHAHA! I’m a crazy midget!!

Suddenly, Hornswaggle turns into a frog and hops away.

Coach: Mr. McMahon…can you-

Vince: Nah. He gets that from his mother. I can only turn into a walrus.

Coach: Really?!

Vince: Shut up, Coach.

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Backstage….

John Cena: Oh, man, dad! You’re going to beat the crap out of Randy Orton!

Mister Cena: After Coach Man said that he was going to strip you of that WWE Title, I said, “No way, Jose.” And then I apologized for calling him Jose, because his name is Jonathan.

Cena: Maybe, you’d better shut up. You’re no Al Wilson, you know what I mean?

Mister Cena: Son, you know full well I’ve always wanted to be a character on RAW. This is my big break, and if I have to beat your dumb ass to do it, well…It’ll be just like 1988 all over again.

Cena: That’s the…um…spirit?

Mister Cena: Because with God as my witness, I will rain hellfire down on Randy Orton. I will crush every bone in his body and make bread from the paste of his flesh. I will bring destrucity to the WWE ring and with the blood of a thousand men pulsating through these very veins like barbarians sacking an ancient, royal city, I will destroy everything in my path. For there is only one true WWE Champion, and his name is MISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAH CENA!

Cena!

Elsewhere….

Santino Marella: Jillian-a Hall!

Jillian Hall: Hey, yo!

Marella: Hey-a yo, yourself-a! Have-a you seen-a Maria-a?

Jillian: No, mang. But we could sing a song if you want.

Santino: Like-a Britney at-a the VMA-as?

Jillian: Are you calling me fat?

Santino: That’s-a not important-a!

Armando Alejandro Estrada: No! I’m Not Important! Ha ha!

Santino: Shut up-a you face-a! Go back-a to ECW-a!

Not Important: Fine! Haha!

Santino: What-a is important-a is that we’re-a here in Nashville-a, so I’m-a gonna make-a like Carrie-a Underwood and break-a Maria’s car-a before she-a can cheat-a on me with Ron-a Simmons!

Hall: That’s not crazy at all. And neither is that…Mohawkullet you’ve got going on there.

Santino: The last-a time I let-a Shelton Benjamin-a cut my-a hair!

In the McOffice….

Vince McMahon: Holy Mace Wielding Minotaur Kings, Coach! My whole office is decked out in green balloons and Irish party favors.

Jonathan Coachman: Dibs on the Guinness!

Vince: That damned, Hotpocket! He’s taken over my entire life! And what, exactly, do I have to show for it?

Coach: Green corn chips and a bottle of Bailey’s?

Vince: You’re not helping, Coach.

Hornswaggle: Try to catch me and win a free iPod Nano!

Hornswaggle takes off down the hall. Coach runs after him, because he needs himself a new iPod.

Vince: This day keeps getting worse and worse. What are you supposed to be? A unicorn?

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAAAH! Just because I have a zit on my forehead doesn’t mean you have to point it out to everyone! I HATE YOU! This is the worst office St. Patrick’s Day Party Ever! WAAAAAAH!

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Khosrow Daivari vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
In a Flag Match

What’s Detroit’s flag anyway? Oh…Wait. Daivari is supposed to be from Iran now? Well, Layleahlayleahoooooooooh! I love this random booking though. “Who’ve we got on the roster?” It was either this, or a ten minute long segment of the naked writer guy spraying baby oil on Hornswaggle. Daivari tries really hard to make this a great segment, but Hacksaw isn’t having any of it. Instead, he just climbs up his pole, gets the flag, scrunches up his face and yells, “HOOOOOOO!” If Hacksaw would’ve been on Pirate Master, that show would still be on. See what happens when you take steroids, Gregory Helms? Crap like this gets booked. It’s all on you. This is on your head.

Backstage….

Jonathan Coachman: Man…I don’t want a Nano that bad.

Cody Rhodes: I’ve got this great idea! What if you put me in the main event tonight, and I kick John Cena’s dad right in the head! I mean…massive heel heat, right?

Coach: Nah, you’d probably become the national hero of Tennessee.

Cody: Dammit. Coach, I need to think up a plot to turn myself heel. Maybe my brother was right. Maybe I should just dress up in face paint and pretend to be gay.

Coach: Pretend?

John Cena: You know, Coach, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and I don’t think my dad should wrestle tonight.

Coach: Afraid Orton will hurt him?

Cena: Hahahahaha…No. I’m afraid that he’s going to go mad with power and start beating up Val Venis.

Coach: Well, how about this? I’ll book you in a mystery match tonight. And the winner of that match decides whether or not tonight’s show has a main event, or if we just sit around for ten minutes and wait for Dr. Steve-O to start.

Cena: Sounds like something that you would say to me!

The two men shake hands and go their separate ways.

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Vince McMahon is in the ring.

Vince McMahon: It has come to my attention that I have a leprechaun son. Quite frankly, I guess I should just be happy that he isn’t running around killing people, but it’s still a little disconcerting, no pun intended, that the fruit of my looms could be so, small. But I am nothing if not a giving man, so I’d like to bring out my bastard son, Haggismcmuffin!

Hornswaggle dances his way to the ring. He’s definitely Shane’s brother.

Vince: Hoodoovoodoo, son, you know there’s a lot of pressure being a McMahon. I don’t know if you’re ready to take it all on.

Hornswaggle: But there’s a huge cash to check when you die, right?

Vince: Well, yes, but-

Hornswaggle: Then, in the words of the dearly departed Cryme Tyme: “Money, Money, yeah yeah!”

Vince: Be that as it may, I’ve decided that I don’t really need another little person sucking money off me. Quite frankly, I had enough of that with the juniors division, and unless your name is secretly Super Porky or Cheatum, I’m not interested. So, I’ve decided to give you up for adoption.

Hornswaggle: Dude, I’m…like…21. You can’t even technically do that.

Vince: The hell I can’t! Bring out Honorsstudent’s new parents! Meet your new daddy and mommy, little guy! Mr. and Mrs. Popadopolis!

Mr. Popadopolis: It will be wonderful having another twenty year old little boy in our family.

Mrs. Popadopolis: It sure will! We’ve got the perfect home for a person of your special needs, isn’t that right, Webster?

Webster: Leave me the hell alone, lady! I’m not even your real adopted son! This is getting really creepy.

Hornswaggle: Listen, Brad and Angelina, I really appreciate what you’re doing for Webber over there-

Webster: That’s Webster or…I mean…Emmanuel…er…I don’t even know anymore. Geez.

Hornswaggle: Well, Mr. Popadopolis, prepare to find out what it’s like to have two adult children!

Hornswaggle and Webster hit the conchairto on Mr. Popadopolis.

Webster: It’s ok, ma’am, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you!

Mrs. Popadopolis: Wait! Wait! Screw this. I’m too old to be doing this crap anyway. Keep your lousy kid, Vince. Keep ours too. Just…get the hell away from us.

Vince: This is an unfortunate turn of events.

Hornswaggle: Hey, it’s not all bad. I am the Cruiserweight champion.

Vince: Sigh…I know. I know. Which is why I want you to go back to Smackdown so I never have to see you again! And tell Finlay that I hate him.

Triple H: What’s going on in this segment anyway? You’ve been out here for an hour.

Vince: I’m trying to unload my bastard son, who thankfully wasn’t you.

HHH: And how’s that working out?

Vince: I think I was able to demote him back to Cruiserweight status.

HHH: So what’s next? Sex with fairies? Undertaker vs. Dragon feuds? Fathering a satyr? A RAW Satyr?

Vince: RAW Satyr? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. More ridiculous than that unicorn I saw earlier.

HHH: Hey, dude, don’t knock that unicorn. That’s hard to find nowadays.

Tough Enough Jessie: It’s a PIMPLE! I AM NOT A UNICORN! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Vince: Well, this segment has gone about as far as it’s going to. Good luck in your match tonight.

HHH: Who am I fighting?

Vince: Cade and Murdoch!

HHH: Bwahahahahahahah…ok.

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Triple H vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch (w/ Carlito Caribbean Cool)

Cade and Murdoch, you’ll remember, are the current WWE Tag Team Champions. And I’ll forgive you if you don’t remember, but there’s only three tag teams, so get your heads in the game. Didn’t Triple H beat these guys a million times by himself already? Along with the Spirit Squad? What am I asking you guys for? You don’t even know who the tag team champions are. Anyway, Hunter fights out of a double team and nails Murdoch with a Spinebuster for the pin in about thirteen seconds. Nice booking there, dudes. Carlito comes in to take Hunter down, but London and Kendrick hit the ring for the save. Oh, you dummies. HHH, London, and Kendrick clear the ring, but then Triple H hits them with the PEDIGREE TO THE TAG TEAM DIVISION~! Well played.

Backstage….

Rory McAllister: Ach! We should’ve gone out there!

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Melina and Jillian Hall vs. Alexis Laree and Boobsie McTitsalot

Beth Phoenix is outside the ring, no doubt to call an OBJECTION on any shenanigans. Boobsie’s music is still awful, by the way. All eyes on me-me-me-me! Jillian tries for the Ladies Razor’s Edge, but Alexis slips out and gets the hot tag to Boobsie, who immediately begins almost hitting Melina and Jillian with flying forearms. So close! Then she nails Melina with an Unprettier for the win. Best women’s champion ever. After the match, Beth Phoenix comes into the ring and slams the belt onto Boobsie. She’s a Glamazon, you know. One with a law degree.

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The Condemned is out now on DVD. Be the first to own it!

Backstage….

Jonathan Coachman: I think we finally got rid of Hoobastank for good, Vince. I haven’t seen him since you told him to go back to Smackdown.

Vince: And the beauty of that is, Coach, that we never will again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get in my limo and leave. Happy Hour is almost starting and I don’t want to miss it.

As Vince’s limo pulls out, Hornswaggle opens the trunk and hops in.

Hornswaggle: To Bel Aire!

Coach: Aw crap! And what the hell happened to my CAR?! SANTINO!!!!!

Santino Marella: Oops-a. Sorry about-a that!

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John Cena vs. Santino Marella
If John Cena Wins He Gets to Choose Whether Or Not This Show Has a Main Event

It’s not a good sign when John Cena is laughing at your entrance. Or maybe he got a look at Santino’s hair. If it’s any help, just keep telling yourself, “At least it’s not Abe Orton.” That usually settles me down. And it works for pretty much every situation. Anyway, Randy Orton attacks Cena and that draws the DQ. Geez. You know, if they really thought this out, Randy could’ve attacked Santino, and that would’ve gotten him the win. But whatever. Let’s see what John decides.

Jonathan Coachman: What’s it going to be, Cena? Is there going to be a main event tonight? Or should we just stand here for fifteen minutes?

John Cena: The main event is on! Enjoy your match, dad. I’m going to handcuff myself to these ropes during the break.

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Randy Orton vs. Mister Cena

He’s still no Al Wilson. Have we really gone a whole night without a Randy Orton promo? Anyway, John Cena falls asleep in the handcuffs outside the ring to start. Mister Cena tries everything in his arsenal, from a 750 splash to a tornado DDT to an Indian Deathlock, but he ends up getting winded about twelve seconds into the match, and he falls over. Orton wins! Cody Rhodes runs out to try to kick Cena’s dad while he’s down, but he slips and takes a header into the ring steps instead. John finally wakes up and throws a turnbuckle at Orton. Meanwhile, the crowd chants “You can’t wrestle!” Which is a pretty mean thing to say to WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance. He’s trying, guys.

Next Week: Hornswaggle comes back to RAW under his new gimmick Mini-Trump. John Cena tracks down Randy Orton’s father so he can kick him in the head, but he just gets a cast to the face and Hepatitis for his troubles. And those crazy kids Santino and Maria get relationship counseling from Kevin Nash.

Places of Interest

Amberstill Ranch
Anvilmar
Brewnall Village
Coldridge Valley
Ironforge
Gnomeregan

The jumping off point for any Dwarf or Gnome characters, Dun Morogh is one of the better starting areas in the game. While access to Ironforge for low level characters isn’t as good as say, Stormwind for humans or even Darnassus for Night elves, the quests and areas are better bunched and leveling through this area is a breeze. Also, with its circular design and auction house across from the bank, Ironforge the most popular base city for lower level Alliance characters.

The newbie zone is in Coldridge Valley to the extreme south of the zone. It’s split completely off from the rest of the zone by a low level, trogg infested tunnel, but it’s the least closed off of the Alliance starting zones. There’s plenty of free space to wander, but starting Gnomes and Dwarves never feel directionless. In this way it’s probably my favorite starting zone across either faction.

Dwarven ram mounts can be purchased at the Amberstill Ranch just east of Ironforge. Immediately outside of Ironforge’s mountain path is the Gnome mount salesmen, where gnomes can purchase their Mechano-Striders. There are also two mountain passages that will take you to either the area’s secondary zone (Loch Modan) or to the Wetlands where a boat can take you to Kalimdor.

Mining: Copper Tons of mining in the mountains. If you can’t level your low tier mining by the time you’re out of the area, you’re just not trying. Probably the best low level mining area in the entire game.

Herbalism: Peacebloom, Silverleaf, Earthroot There’s quite a few herbs to be had, especially earthroot in the mountain extremes of the zone, but I wouldn’t call it plentiful. If you do take up herbalism, you will probably lo well, but it’s going to take some effort.

Cloth: Linen Plenty of troggs, trolls, leperous gnomes, and evil Dark Iron Dwarves populate the area, which means lots of linen will drop off humanoid mobs. You might need to spend some time at it, but that’s nothing new.

Leather: Light Leather, Ruined Leather Scraps Lots of beasties to kill so there’s plenty of opportunities for to get these drops. Actually, one of the better bottom level areas to level your skinning.

Maybe the best low level area in the game, there’s plenty of stuff here. The quests are more spread out, but they feel better directed. Gnomer is a terrible instance, but Ironforge is the best low level Alliance city for non-Shaman or jewelcrafters. Even if you aren’t playing as a Gnome or a Dwarf, chances are you’re going to be spending a bit of time here, and thankfully, it’s mostly an enjoyable place to spend it.

1. Indianapolis Colts: They struggled against Tennessee, but they still got the win, and that’s what good teams do. I’m probably going to take a little flack for not putting New England in this spot, but everybody plays a few close games, and until the Colts lose, they’re still the best team in the NFL. Last Week: 1

2. New England Patriots: After CameraGate, it was important for the Patriots to come out and make a statement against San Diego. And in the favorable conditions of Gillette Stadium, they did. Randy Moss finally looks like he actually wants to play, which doesn’t hurt. Maybe he and Tom Brady are getting manicures together. Last Week: 2

3. Pittsburgh Steelers: Last week, I discouraged Steelers fans from getting too uppity. I take that back. The Steelers are looking mighty decent after the first two weeks, with Willie Parker and Ben Roethlisberger doing everything they need to do to keep this team competitive. Plus, they’re running the spread offense, which will really be a help later this season when they play against Michigan. Last Week: 5

4. San Diego Chargers: Is there some kind of double reverse Madden curse? Where you win the MVP, but don’t do Madden, but then you have a terrible year anyway? Because LaDanian Tomlinson is having that year right now. They can’t beat New England in a shoot out, and I’d bet they’d get crushed by Indy. But they’re still better than pretty much everybody else. Last Week: 3

5. Dallas Cowboys: Look, I’m not going to say they’ve turned the corner quite yet, because stopping Miami’s offense is a little like stopping a kid on a trike with a tank, but this is the defense that got killed by Eli Manning. The reality is that they’re somewhere in the middle there. Not good enough to beat the truly elite teams, but lucky that none of those teams are in the NFC. Last Week: 9

6. Chicago Bears: Cedric Benson looking mediocre? Check. Rex Grossman looking like Rex Grossman? Check. Defense still pretty good? Check. Yep, it’s the 2007 Chicago Bears, all right. Throwing a touchdown pass to an offensive lineman is one thing, but the Bears are going to need more production from the offense as the season wears on. Otherwise, they’re in trouble. Last Week: 12

7. Denver Broncos: The Broncos are winning some tight games right now, and they’ve got to feel good about their position to make a run at the AFC West. It’s not the ghost of John Elway returning to carry the Broncos to the Super Bowl quite yet, but it’s at least the ghost of Ed McCaffery white guy dancing on the sidelines. Last Week: 8

8. Green Bay Packers: Holy crap, when did Green Bay start playing top ten football? Whatever they’re giving Bret Favre this season, double it and give me a shot, because the Pack is well on its way to becoming this season’s New Orleans Saints. With the hard drinking and everything. Last Week: 18

9. Baltimore Ravens: How weird and terrible is the NFL this year that a team that’s currently being helmed by Kyle Boeller is the ninth best team in the league. Yet, it’s true. Boeller looked better than Steve McNair in the starting role, and Baltimore is playing nearly as well as they did last year. Last Week: 10

10. Cincinnati Bengals: Man…I don’t know. Any team that can throw for five touchdowns deserves some respect, and they looked really solid against the aforementioned Ravens. But what happened to the defense? Did they all get arrested Friday Night or something? I mean, you can’t let Cleveland drop 51 points on you. That’s ridiculous. Last Week: 6

11. San Francisco 49ers: Maybe the worst 2-0 team in the whole NFL. They can fight it out with Houston and Detroit. But the Niners play in a soft division, and if they can keep winning close victories, they’ll be in the Playoff hunt come December. Probably not how Mike Nolan drew it up, but then again any kind of win looks good when you’re in a suit. Last Week: 14

12. Tennessee Titans: Vince Young and the Titans were gunning for Peyton Manning and the Colts this week, and…well, they lost. But they did enough of the right things that it makes you think that they’ve got a legitimate shot at upsetting some people this year. They’re still probably headed to an 8-8 record and a Madden-Cursed Vince Young. But I wouldn’t want to bet against them right now either. Last Week: 16

13. Jacksonville Jaguars: Look, you beat Atlanta. And it was a close game. So don’t go patting yourselves on the back. But the Jaguars defense finally looked like it came to play on Sunday. Now if only their quarterback wasn’t David Garrard, they might actually have something there. Last Week: 17

14. Houston Texans: Want a perfect example of how topsy-turvy the NFL is this year? The Houston Texans are number 14 on this week’s power rankings. And they might be even higher next week! What the hell is happening to the NFL? Depending on how they react to Andre Johnson being out, it looks like this Houston team might not even be deceiving at 2-0. Last Week: 19

15. New Orleans Saints: Man…What the hell happened to this train wreck? Maybe it was emotion, maybe it was actually playing defense, but the Saints looked unstoppable at points last year. This year? They look like a team that could get served up by Tampa Bay. Which they were. There’s still plenty of time to turn things around in the Big Easy, but they’d better not take it too slow. Last Week: 4

16. Washington Redskins: The defense still looks loaded, and the offense still looks mediocre, but that’s all you really need, right? Joe Gibbs and Al Saunders are still completely out of touch with today’s NFL, but the Redskins have a chance to make a push at a Wildcard spot if every other team in the NFL continues to struggle. Last Week: 24

17. Seattle Seahawks: Man, when your defense is making Arizona look good, you’ve got some struggles. They did finally show up in the second half of the game, but by then it was too late. Mike Holmgren and his mustache have plenty to worry about this week too, because Cincinnati is going to be throwing all over them. Last Week: 7

18. Carolina Panthers: Steve Smith should just play on his own team by himself. He might even win more games than the Panthers do this year. Sure, they lost, but Smith’s fourth quarter 74-yard touchdown, with the game already in the books was just ridiculous. If Smith could play quarterback and throw the ball to himself every play, the Panthers might be in contention. Last Week: 11

19. Detroit Lions: Is this team really 2-0? I mean…Really?! John Kitna claimed this week that God Himself came down at halftime and cured Kitna’s concussion, which eventually lead to a Lions win. Sadly, God separated his shoulder on the next play and he will be out 4-6 weeks. Last Week: 27

20. New York Jets: Kellen Clemmons didn’t look much better than Chad Pennington, at least not until the end of the game, and the Jets lost another one. To make matters worse, Baltimore accused the Jets of calling out signals to mess with the Raven’s offensive line, causing false starts. Upon hearing the news, Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick shook his head and sighed, “Amateurs.” Last Week: 13

21. Minnesota Vikings: This is why I wanted to wait until I crowned the Vikings. There are definitely offensive issues, mostly pointed to the fact that Tavaris Jackson is under the mistaken impression that if he completes a pass to anyone on the field, it’s a good play. The defense, meanwhile, is still able to lose games in impressive fashion. Last Week: 15

22. Arizona Cardinals: In a beautiful alternate universe, Matt Leinart is chilling with his homies on a beach in L.A., hanging out with chicks in between games for the Los Angeles Patriots, where Tom Brady is the team’s holder. Unfortunately, he’s actually stuck in the middle of a retirement community in the desert, where his coaches are bitching to him about his footwork. The moral of the story? Don’t expect Matt to end up on Dancing with the Stars ten years from now. Last Week: 25

23. Cleveland Browns: They’re still a crappy team, but it says something when you can put up 51 points against anybody. If Derrick Anderson can manage to pickup another two or three wins this year, the Browns will have some actual momentum heading in to next year, where the team will power its entire stadium on the energy given off by Brady Quinn’s heart. Last Week: 30

24. Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles have a lot of issues, not the least of which is that Andy Reid barely seems to be into the games right now. He’s had some personal struggles, but as he goes so his team is going. Don’t be shocked if the Eagles land a 5-11 record this year, and fans in Philly will be throwing Kevin Kolbs at Donovan McNabb. Last Week: 20

25. Saint Louis Rams: The Ram’s performance against the 49ers was an exercise in futility. They did everything right to put themselves in a position to win, including beating up on the Niner’s defense, but they couldn’t pull the trigger. Expect them to replace Dante Hall with O.J. Simpson to correct this issue. Last Week: 22

26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: This is just the kind of thing that convinces teams that Jeff Garcia is a great NFL quarterback. He pulls a team that has absolutely nothing going for it, runs off an impressive win against a team that he has no right beating, an then he fades off and lets his team get crappy again. Still, they won, I guess. Last Week: 29

27. Buffalo Bills: J.P. Losman is looking more like J.D. Drew by the day. Has this guy ever thrown an NFL pass before? It doesn’t help that Lee Evans, a legitimate star receiver, has caught exactly -3 passes, for around two yards. Somebody go kick Marv Levy and make sure he’s still paying attention. Last Week: 21

28. New York Giants: J-Load didn’t get the start last week, and maybe that’s for the best. As it is, he, Eli Manning, and Anthony Wright made up the Great Hydra of Suck for the Giants in their loss to Green Bay. That actually would make a pretty awesome mascot. The Giant’s offense actually might not wind up being too bad, but the defense is just flat out terrible. Thanks for coming back, Michael Strahan! Last Week: 23

29. Oakland Raiders: Oakland is the best of the NFL’s really, really terrible teams. It was pretty rough seeing them lose to Denver after playing them tight most of the game. I was struggling with why the Raiders continue to start Josh McCown after he broke his finger and played awful, but then I remembered the backup is Dante Culpepper. Last Week: 32

30. Miami Dolphins: The team is old, confused, and I’m pretty sure that none of the receivers actually know what a football looks like. I’m just saying, don’t trust them with any priceless vases. Also, someone should explain to Cam Cameron that if you’re driving at the end of the first half, with a chance to put yourself back into the game, paying attention to the time left might be a good idea. I’m just saying. Last Week: 28

31. Kansas City Chiefs: I don’t think a single player on this team has made a good play yet this year. Forget offense, defense, or special teams. Herm Edwards needs to focus on getting his team to do anything correctly. Like make sandwiches. My condolences to Larry Johnson Fantasy Owners. Last Week: 26

32. Atlanta Falcons: The team is so bad, that they’re actually trying desperately to get Byron Leftwich to return their calls right now. If I was Lord Byron, I would stay far, far away from this mess. Forget the Michael Vick scandal or Atlanta’s terrible defense. Right now, Joey Harrington is the lead blocker on all pass plays. Fourteen more games, guys! Last Week: 30

Ugh.

I hate Mondays. But one thing that can help cheer me up is Bioshock’s new SciFi RPG Mass Effect. Of course, they were the people behind Knights of the Old Republic, but this one? Looks like the best reason to date to get an X-Box 360. Mass Effect is still a few months away from store shelves, but until then, amuse yourselves with the latest Official Trailer.