Last Week: We were in London for the hottest bit of English wrestling action since the time Viscera ate Trish. Randy Orton warmed the cockles of our hearts by wrestling three of the greatest matches you’ve ever seen. And Totally Not Jamal wrestled three matches you probably don’t even remember. Who will wrestle three matches…TONIGHT?!
Triple H: It’s that time of year again. Time for our end of the year cake.
Randy Orton: I must make admittance, I love lake.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Hunter, why do we celebrate cake DAY?
HHH: You know, six years later, I have no idea.
Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!
HHH: I lost that belt, Ric. Randy is the champ.
Orton: That’s flight! I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, are your WMD Champagne.
Shawn Michaels: I’ll give you this, Hunter. The catering is better than last year. I couldn’t take any more Bastion Burgers.
Orton: Yeah, thanks for capering couch-in Abe!
Abe Orton: The secret ingredient is babies!!
Orton: And Steroids!
HHH: Oooh, gimmie!
In the ring….
Ken Kennedy: It’s me! Mister Kennedy! And if there’s one season I like, it’s election season! I mean, who doesn’t like the petty mudslinging and pointless pandering involved in scraping enough votes together to make your embarrassing loss in Iowa to Dennis Kucinich that much more palatable. But at Cyber Sunday, we pretty much just telegraph all this stuff. And Shawn Michaels is totally winning. So in order to salvage what little reputation I have left, I just wanted to say that I just want to come in second. I mean come on. Jeff Hardy? Really? Not in the main event of a PPV, y’alls. Not even Cyber Sunday.
Jeff Hardy: Hey! Mr. Kennedy! I’m up here! In the crowd! Why don’t you come up here and join me so you’ll know what it feels like when we’re eating nachos and processed cheez instead of wrestling at Cyber Sunday?
Kennedy: Ooh, Nachos!
Then he and Jeff fight over who will pay for the natchos. The brawl goes on for a few minutes until Randy Orton comes out to let them know that there’s some free Steroid Baby Nachos backstage. Jeff takes offense to the inference that he’s a druggie, so he starts to fight off Orton. Pretty soon everybody’s fighting over nachos and drugs, just like it should be with this group. Then Shawn Michaels gingerly prances out and clears the ring with the scruff of his beard. After all that, Jeff Hardy’s music plays. I don’t know either.
Paul London, Brian Kendrick and Alexis Laree vs. Trevor Murdoch, Lance Cade and Melina
Melina doesn’t get a last name. I’m fascinated both by the fact that Cade and Murdoch are still the tag team champions, and by the fact that the Highlanders aren’t even mentioned. You know what? I already miss Daivari. Who will wrestle on Internet Heat now? Leyleahleyleahoooooh! For no apparent reason, Alexis tags herself into the match and gets her ass kicked by Melina. Way to strategize there, lady. Cade wants to beat the crap out of Alexis, but Murdoch is fascinated by her boobs, so he takes a clothesline for her, and London gets the win. Post match emotion check?
London: Wolfman beard.
Kendrick: Happy to be out here tonight.
Murdoch: Knocked out/hoping to get some action.
DIVA SEARCH 2007~! Todd Grisham gets to live out his ultimate fantasy of being dominated by a bunch of mildly attractive females, and then getting shivved by a guy named “Baby.”
Backstage, in a locker room that just so happens to be decorated with Jeff Hardy merchandise….
Jeff Hardy: This locker room suits me.
Shawn Michaels: What I don’t get is…why even run? You know they’re going to ring the vote so I win. Otherwise that’s weeks of storytelling down the tubes.
In my dreams.
In. My. Dreams.
Jeff Hardy holds it
Above his kick ass volcano
Will I get any votes?
Or am I
Shawn: Your emoetry has no place here, boy!
Jeff: I’m already ahead in voting from the ImagiNation, Shawn.
Shawn: Damn you!
Cody Rhodes: WWE Magazine should really have more pictures.
Shelton Benjamin: Guess who’s off Internet Heat and ready to kick some ass?
Shelton: Well…Yeah. But also, me!
Charlie Haas: And, to a lesser extent, me.
Cody: So I don’t get it. Is lame promos and bad hair all it takes to be a heel around here?
Shelton: No, all it takes to be a heel is…your daddy!
Haas: Your daddy so fat, when he sits around the house, he really sits around the house!
Shelton: Yeah! Your daddy so fat, that his polka dots have their own zip code and his splotch has been zoned commercial!
Haas: Oh no he di’nt!
Cody buries his face in his hands. In another backstage area….
Jonathan Coachman: Man, everybody’s getting fired again. It’s a firing bonanza!
William Regal: And it looks like sexretaries are among the first to go, sunshine.
Coach: Is that a veiled threat against me, Mr. Regal?
Regal: There was nothing veiled about it. But we probably need you here so Homonym can feud with somebody.
Coach: Speaking of which, what do you think about the potential of a Harrypotter vs. Totally Not Jamal match tonight?
Regal: A fat Samoan vs. a midget? Sounds delightful! Book it! Hollyhobbie vs. Umanga!
Coach: Who the hell is Umanga?
Regal: Just book your stupid match.
Cody Rhodes vs. Shelton Benjamin (w/ Charlie Haas)
Good to have you back, Charlie! No seriously. We needed somebody else in a tank top and shiny pants to take some of the heat off of HBK. The match goes back and forth for a little bit, with Shelton taking a distinct advantage at the end. But, stupidly, Shelton goes for the roll-up which is always countered in a match like this, and Cody ends up countering it for the win. After the match, there ain’t no stoppin’ Haas and Benjamin from working over Cody…NAH! Except there is, because Hardcore Holly comes out and clears the ring. He and Cody share a momentary glance of respect before Cody realizes that this means a face turn for Holly and not a heel turn for him. Cody cries.
“D.H.” Smith vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
“D.H.” announces to the crowd that, yes, he is indeed British Bulldog’s son, and he’d like to dedicate this match to his memory. Dude, that guy just retired earlier this year. Just because Inside the Ropes isn’t on OO anymore doesn’t mean he’s dead! Anyway, I hear “D.H.” stands for “Deathly Hallows” so at least we know the kid knows how to read. Carlito looks like he could give a rat’s ass about this, and I suppose after feuding with Hunter, this is kind of slumming it. Even for Carlito. Smith wins with a running power slam. I’d still rather he be “Harry” but it’s better than “Baby Bulldog.”
Backstage, Boobsie McTitsalot and Beth Phoenix are rubbing boobs.
Boobsie McTitsalot: For luck.
Beth Phoenix: Totally. After all, I am a Glamazon. And you’re about to be on your knees.
Boobsie: Another bondage sex tape?
Boobsie: Congratulations on your new game, by the way.
Phoenix: Thanks! Wanna make out?
So they do. Elsewhere, Totally Not Jamal is flanked by Coach. That’s the least threatening hall walking I think I’ve ever seen.
Totally Not Jamal (w/ Jonathan Coachman) vs. Hornswaggle
Do you ever sit and wonder why Not Important hasn’t tried to bring Not Jamal over to SmackdECWn yet? That’s pretty much all I do. Which is sad on about 900 different levels. Lillian Garcia’s one skill, by the way, is looking dejected at mismatches like this. She does a way better job than Chimel or That Other Guy. Hornswaggle shows up from under the ring, but quickly bails up the ramp. Before Coach or Not Jamal can catch him, Triple H comes walking out of the entryway. So intense is the fighting between Triple H and Not Jamal that Pat Patterson and Tony Garea run out to try to pull them apart. Oh, yeah. These two will certainly be able to get the job done. Sadly, the tactic didn’t work, and Hunter and Not Jamal resumed fighting. Finally, a weeping Ricky Steamboat gets them to stop fighting and try to learn to respect each other for their differences.
Backstage, Not Jamal is not respecting various tables and clangy poles for their differences. On the stage meanwhile….
Todd Grisham: I’m not doing this. I’m not doing this Diva Search crap again. You think it’s cool because you haven’t wasted much time on the actual shows showcasing this non-wrestling? Well, I don’t. I’m tired of these boobs with no personality flopping around our show, especially since they’re all getting contracts anyway. I’m tired of being emasculated in front of a live studio audience. I’m tired of all of this Diva Search crap.
Lena: Remember, Todd, Maria came from the Diva Search.
Grisham: Well…touche. But you know what? I don’t care what you say, because you’re eliminated! Now here’s two other stupid bimbos.
Brooke: I want to be a WWE Diva because…You should fire that other Brooke and let me be Brooke! Also the fans.
Eve: My name is Eve and you should vote for me because I have boobs. Also, the fans.
Grisham: Thrilling television, isn’t it folks? See you all never!
Todd Grisham runs backstage and dives into the Satireversary cake, which was made entirely of frosting and concrete. Todd Grisham has fallen.
Abe Orton: I wasn’t done with that yet!
Randy Orton: I know you must think I’m trough, what with being Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, and all. But I have feedings too. I miss by breast buggies Elge and Litco. And Ricky, Dan and Triple Eight, my old pans from Education, won’t hardly talk to me mandymoore. I guess what I’m askering, is…Kevin Kelly, will you be my new batfiend?
Ken Kennedy: Hell no!
Orton: That’s not very rice. You know nobrothy is going to vote for you. You’re the hell, and no-boggy likes to vote for the hell.
Kennedy: Yes, I know that. But I’m still going to relish every punch I get to throw at you during the post match brawl.
Orton: See? You’re enjoining our times to gather already!
Santino Marella and Maria have taken the stage. Speechify us, Santino!
Santino Marella: Thank-a you! I will-a commence with-a my speechifying-a! I just-a wanted everybody-a to know-a that I’m-a not in the WWE Magazine-a special 500th issueversary-a! But I will-a not be denied-a a place in this year’s-a sixth annual Satireversary-a!
Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): What the hell is a Satireversary?
Marella: It-a doesn’t matter-a! What’s Important-a here is all-a the guests-a attending tonight’s-a big party! Mantaur-a! The Rock-a! Stacy Keibler-a! Undertaker-a! Bret-a Hart! Andre-a the French-a Giant! Probably some Ducks-a! But the real-a star of the party-a will be-a m-
But wait! He’s interrupted by another Save_Us video! This one is Save_Us.X29. Um…So it’s another MegaMan game? Or the long awaited debut of Villano 29?
Marella: I certainly-a hope that-a was an advertisment-a for Villano 29! I love-a those guys-a! Steve Austin-a, I’m going-a to open up a can-a of whipped ass-a onto you face-a!
Santino Marella (w/ Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) vs. Ron Simmons
Maria doesn’t seem to into Ron any more. I’m guessing she found out that his motto used to be “Always Pounding Ass.” That’ll get a girl to turn on you pretty quick, believe me. I wonder why they didn’t make a segment out of that? The finding out thing, not the…pounding ass thing. Though, hey, there’s an untapped demographic for you. Not since the days of Jon Hnnrnnr, anyway. Though, in a sport comprised almost entirely of greased up men rubbing each other, I don’t know how far off the pounding ass demo we really are. Santino kicks Ron in the balls for the DQ. Thanks!
Triple H: Ok, we’ve switched caterers to better fall in line with the company’s “Wellness Policy” whatever that is. Also, because I specifically requested “Marble” cake, not concrete. Concrete is a fool’s cake. The new guy should be here any minute.
Ric Flair: I’m going to take his old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO!
HHH: Settle down, Naitch.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Here he COMES!
Big Daddy V: I hear somebody’s lookin’ for a chef!
HHH: What the hell do you know about cooking, Viscera?
Daddy V: I’m fat.
Batista: He makes a good POINT!
HHH: Where’s that doctor guy? The one that used to do Masters’ matches?
Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): You mean Fudgecookie-son?
Maria: Oh, I don’t know.
Daddy V: Aren’t you supposed to be rambling about being the King of Kings and Destroyer of Men or something?
HHH: Hell if I know. Does…does anybody here know how to cook beets?
Flair: Cook beets? They’re already cooked! Cook beets?! They’re already cooked!
HHH: That’s not really helping, Ric.
Elsewhere, Boobsie is flouncing around backstage. I wonder if she knows how to cook beets.
Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Beth Phoenix
2 out of 3 Falls Match for the WWE Women’s Title
Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think that Boobsie would be the one to get the call on the “Wrestle Three Times in One Night” run. Oh well. Beth Phoenix would like to remind everyone that Beth Phoenix: Ace Attorney Trials and Tribulations is in stores now. Boobsie would like to remind everybody that ALL EYES ON MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME! Unfortunately for her, Beth’s eyes were on her, and poor Boobsie ends up getting Chokeslamed. Beth wins the first fall!
Beth has control out of commercials, but Boobsie quickly swings momentum her way. Things seem to be going great for the former champ when suddenly she goes up to the top and jumps off onto her head. That’s…Probably not a good idea. Even Ric Flair wouldn’t have done that. Beth starts dragging Boobsie around the ring by her hair, because that’s what you do when somebody lands on their head, and gets the pin for the win. I guess nobody had to wrestle three times tonight after all! After the match, the medical staff floods the ring to treat Boobsie. Either that, or they figure it’s a great time to get in on some quality groping action. “Oh, yeah, baby! I’ve got to strap you in to this stretcher. Let me just hold your boobs down….”
Dr. Yukio Hatori: In my medical opinion, you have…a case of the flu. Wash it down with some chicken soup and you’ll be fine.
Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! Her injury clearly stems from a fall off the turnbuckle, not a previously existing disease.
Hatori: You’re a lawyer, what do you know about medical diagnoses?
Phoenix: OBJECTION! You’re not even a real medical doctor!
Randy Orton is wandering around backstage. Probably looking for a piece of cousin Abe’s world famous concrete cake.
Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels vs. Ken Kennedy and Randy Orton
The crowd pops for Jeff coming out which is cute. The story of the match is that none of these guys trust each other, but they’re willing to work together for the greater good of making themselves look stronger before a PPV. Well, that’s the kind of spirit they need a little more of on this show. Giving and loving self promotion. It’s back and forth for about ten minutes before Jeff lands a Swanton on Kennedy for the pin. Poor Mr. Kennedy. He was supposed to be on top of the world, and now look at him! Orton comes in to congratulate Jeff on his thrilling victory, but Shawn Michaels nails the SUPERKICK TO ORTON~! first. Shawn…I doubt that Jesus would’ve done that.
Jesus: Nah, a shovel to the face’ll do more damage.
Sunday Sunday Cyber Sunday: Who will win the fan voting for the main event?! Here’s a hint: It won’t be Jeff Hardy or Ken Kennedy! Will Triple H take on Totally Not Jamal in a Spelling Bee, a Dance-Off or will they take the Physical Challenge? And what wacky outfit will the Divas have to dress up in? I’ve got an inside scoop that says that they’ll be Bloodthirsty Pirates, but you never know!
Triple H: This apple pie is delicious! My compliments to the chef.
Dr. Yukio Hatori: You know what they say, an apple pie a day keeps me in business!
Mantaur: You know, guys, wrestling has really changed since I was around. You all have it good. Back in my day, a half man, half minotaur like me couldn’t get a fair shake. Now you’ve got a Leprechaun running part of your company.
Andre the French Giant: OOAHGH MPTHA ATOOOGA!!!
Mantaur attempts to Gore Andre, but he passes right through the ghostly visage and knocks himself out on the Marble cake.
HHH: Would you people leave the cake alone?! Geez!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Let us give THANKS! I am thankful for BUNNIES!
HHH: Umm…Dave, it’s Satireversary. Not Thanksgiving.
Batista: But I like BUNNIES!!
Duck: Quack! Quack!
Flair: WOO! That’s why the Duck is the Champ!
Maven: Can somebody pass the gravy?
HHH: Sure thing, Rock. Congratulations on the success of Girl Football Movie.
Bret Hart: Why did you guys even invite me anyway? The New Hart Foundation angle was cancelled! I was never part of the Satireversary celebrations anyway. I hate all of you people!
Shawn Michaels: Then go away! But leave the cranberry sauce, will you?
Hart: No! My precious!!
HHH: Man, a lot of things have changed over the last six years.
Hart: Yeah, I’m not bitter any more!
HBK: And I’m no-
Hart: Shut up, asshole!
HHH: I’m not as controlling.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I have done a lot of growing UP!
Maven: I don’t work here any more!
Stacy Keibler: Totally, duckie! I’m not a title belt now. I’m just a Hollywood vagrant! But I’d never miss a Satireversary!
Santino Marella: I’m-a just glad to be-a here tonight-a!
HHH: Go away, Santino.
Marella: In the imortal-a words of Ron-a Simmons: “Crap-a!”
Hatori: I really do miss the Iron Chef Wrestling gang.
Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): Me too, Fudgecookie-son. Me too. Oh, I’ve neeped too many people!
Randy Orton: I miz my best fiend Pledge!
Flair: I’ve changed the most! I’m no longer a crazy old man!
HHH: Sure, sure, Naitch. But I like that we’re able to get together every year, on this completely arbitrary day, which nobody knows why it’s called the “Satireversary” or what that even means, and celebrate. As a family. I…I love you guys!
Orton: Evening me?
Suddenly, the lights go out, the cake lights on fire and a symbol appears hovering over the table.
The Disembodied Voice of The Undertaker: Happy Satireversary to All and to All…REST IN PEACE!
Thanks for reading, everyone!