We’re still not back to the Normal WWW update schedule, but I noticed on the official WoW site that they were now offering paid name changes for characters throughout the realms.

The fee for a name change is $10. I mean…I guess if you named your characters after ex-girlfriends, dead dogs, or Chronixweeder420, you might want to rethink the whole naming thing. But ponying up 10 bucks to do it? I don’t know. I think I’ll just live with my naming mistakes and move on.

After all, Doug Llewelyn is still cool…right?

1. Indianapolis Colts: Indy is 7-0, the defending Superbowl Champions, playing at home and…Four point underdogs? I guess that’s what you get when you’re playing against the hottest team in NFL history. But, ultimately? I’d take Jim Sorgi over Matt Cassel. Last Week: 1

2. New England Patriots: It’s no fun when you’re so much better than some of the teams you’re playing, that you feel the need to twist the knife a little. Putting Brady in in the fourth quarter last week was one thing, but going for it on fourth down this week? Expect some people to take some shots at Tommyboy’s knees pretty soon. Last Week: 2

3. Dallas Cowboys: It was the bye week, but that doesn’t mean the Cowboys didn’t suffer. Moments after signing a new $67.5 million contract, Tony Romo succumbed to a cocktail of STDs he received from being within 15 feet of Britney Spears. Seriously…From Sophia Bush and Carrie Underwood to Britney? Who are you? Matt Leinart? Last Week: 4

4. Pittsburgh Steelers: Back to number 4 this week after the Steelers beat the Bengals in just about every facet of Sunday’s game. They probably won’t challenge for a Superbowl this year, but there’s no shame in being the third best team in the AFC this year. Last Week: 6

5. New York Giants: It wasn‘t exactly a convincing win, but I‘ll give the Giants the benefit of the doubt. Miami is terrible, but the bad pitch conditions, jet lag, and awkward English crowd can excuse a lot of things. Not Eli Manning providing the team‘s only rushing highlight, though. Last Week: 4

6. San Diego Chargers: Safe from the fires and in the friendly confines of Qualcomm Stadium, the Chargers continue their improbable win streak. They played more on emotion than anything else this week, but the Saints proved last year that that’s not always bad. Last Week: 7

7. Green Bay Packers: There‘s still no running game, and the defense actually had problems at times with Denver‘s predictable offensive schemes. But there‘s just no beating 82-yard touchdown bombs in the first snap in overtime. Some days, it‘s better to be lucky than good.. Last Week: 8

8. Jacksonville Jaguars: Quinn Gray certainly looked like some dude Jack Del Rio pulled off the street on Sunday, until the fourth quarter when he lit up the Tampa defense. Clearly the solution? Play three quarters without a quarterback, then sub in Gray. Last Week: 7

9. Tennessee Titans: Fun fact: Vince Young threw for fewer than 50 yards this week, and the Titans still won. This says less about Tennessee than it does about Oakland, of course, but hey, if you can work the horrible games out of your system in wins? That bodes well for your Playoff hopes. Last Week: 9

10 New Orleans Saints: Hey now! The Saints, who looked for all the world to be playing for a draft pick earlier this season, are suddenly one of the NFL’s hottest teams. Marques Colston and Reggie Bush are back on the saddle now, after being so completely nonexistent earlier this season, people thought they’d been traded to FEMA. Last Week: 24

11. Kansas City Chiefs: This was actually a terrible time for a Chiefs bye week, as the team had finally been building up some momentum the past few games. However, look for the Chiefs to come back, even with an offense predicated on the abilities of Damon Huard and Priest Holmes not to retire in the middle of a game. Last Week: 12

12. Detroit Lions: Could the Lions actually be playing well enough for a Playoff run this year? Say it isn‘t so! But seriously, how long has it been since both Thanksgiving games have actually meant anything. Well, they‘re still a few weeks away, but for now, Detroit looks like it‘s finally moving on up for a piece of Pumpkin Pie. Last Week: 14

13. Baltimore Ravens: The division title is slipping away from the Ravens, even in Week 8, but they have a few things to take heart in. The offense has shown flashes of ability and the defense isn’t rocking the boat. Assuming they can stay healthy they…hahahahaha…Sorry. I forgot that we were talking about the Ravens for a second. Last Week: 16

14. Washington Redskins: A painful performance for one of the NFC‘s best defenses. The Patriots basically bitch slapped them all across the field, and you couldn‘t even just blame it on Fred Smoot! With the Cowboys and Giants surging, Washington might need to be thinking Wild Card already. Last Week: 10

15. Cleveland Browns: Brady Quinn Watch: Brady sucked up his pride and courageously started Derrick Anderson at Quarterback for his fantasy team. The Browns are one of the best fantasy offenses in the league this year, but it hurt Brady quite a bit when he had to move himself to the bench. Last Week: 19

16. Buffalo Bills: One week after Dick Jauron said that he wanted to see how Trent Edwards looked at quarterback for the rest of the season, Edwards got injured. So, pretty much the same as any other Bills quarterback, really. They still won their game, however. Last Week: 21

17. Carolina Panthers: Speaking of quarterback injuries, the quarterback roulette continues to spin in Carolina. Who will it be next week? And it stops on…A Whammy. So sorry. In a press conference on Monday, the new Panthers Quarterback said, “I cannot tell a lie. Even I can throw a better ball to Steve Smith than David Carr.” Last Week: 11

18. Denver Broncos: Close doesn’t cut it, even when you take the Packers to overtime on Monday night. Jay Cutler isn’t exactly what the Broncos were hoping, and things might not get better in Mile High any time soon. Especially if Travis Henry remains higher than the stadium. Last Week: 13

19. Seattle Seahawks: Can you even friggin’ believe this team is leading a divison? The Seahawks have been pretty bad this year, defensively and offensively. It’s enough to drive Mike Holmgren back to his doughnut cave. Yet…here they are…leading a division. *shakes head in disbelief* Last Week: 15

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: After looking hot for most of the first part of the season, the Bucs’ bubble is starting to deflate. It hasn’t quite burst yet, but they’re clearly not one of the elite teams, even in the poor, tired NFC. On the bright side, Michael Bennett hasn’t exploded into a cloud of confetti. Yet. Last Week: 17

21. Chicago Bears: Brian Griese is putting up Rex Grossman-like numbers and Cedric Benson is still running like he‘s tired of carrying the ball. The Bears are showing their true colors this year, and unfortunately for Chicago fans, they‘re pretty much all going to lead you to heavy drinking. Last Week: 23

22. Arizona Cardinals: In kind of an indicator of how good the lower-tier teams are in the NFL this year, the Cardinals move up four spots in the power rankings this week by virtue of being on a bye. If they can string together some wins this year, they might even make the top 20. And the playoffs. Which is really pretty sad. Last Week: 26

23. Philadelphia Eagles: This must be how Phillies fans felt this year. When the Eagles are playing well, you’d think that they’d be a top threat in the NFC. When they’re not, you’d think that they were throwing games so they could get home in time to watch The Simpsons. This team could end the year 3-13 or 12-4 at this point. Last Week: 27

24. Houston Texans: Quick! Name an active player on the Houston Texans roster! You couldn’t do it, could you? Don’t feel so bad. I watched part of a Texans game this year, and it seemed like the whole damned thing hand been run through a random name generator. Last Week: 18

25. Minnesota Vikings: It’s pretty sad when the best looking Vikings quarterback this season has been Brooks Bollinger. Bollinger looked sharp in the fourth quarter on Sunday, but not sharp enough to put the Vikes in contention, or sharp enough to keep friggin’ Jeff George from calling the team to offer his help in exchange for a handicap parking spot at the Metrodome. Last Week: 22

26. Cincinnati Bengals: I’m guessing Chad Johnson doesn’t have any more celebrations scheduled. Seriously, how did this team fool any of us? They were lights out a few years ago, but since then they’ve been horrible, and Chris Henry isn’t going to be THAT big a help. Especially if he’s going to be weighed down by his probation anklet. Last Week: 26

27. Oakland Raiders: I hope you enjoyed first place a few weeks ago Raiders fans. No, I mean, I really hope you enjoyed it. After starting out ok they’ve slid back down to bad and are about two games away from being “awful.” On the upside, Dante Culpepper hasn’t thrown a sex boat party in the Bay yet. Last Week: 25

28. San Francisco 49ers: Did the 49ers need Norv Turner? I mean…it’s not like it would’ve made that big a difference, but the Niners offense has looked like a preschool team this year. Worse than that, I think the preschool team probably would’ve had a better defense. Last Week: 28

29. Atlanta Falcons: Well…I mean…They’re not going to go 0-16 or anything this year. There’s no escaping the fact that the Falcons are terrible though, and Coach Bobby Petrino seems content to continue to play this way until he can draft his entire offense from Louisville. Last Week: 29

30. New York Jets: Looking to Sell: One quarterback, moderately used. Shoulder pinned into place, but otherwise in good shape. Kids will love his “intangibles.” Looking for other, slightly different quarterback, magic beans, or best offer. See Eric by the docks if interested. Last Week: 30

31. Saint Louis Rams: Damn! What a year not to have the Dolphins on the schedule. On the plus side, they still play the Falcons this year, and their division totally sucks. They’re out of Playoff contention already, but they can still rack up a few wins so they feel better about themselves. Last Week: 31

32. Miami Dolphins: I hope they had fun in England. Let‘s leave it at that. No sense piling on any more than we already have. Maybe they got to see Big Ben before he racks up the yards on them. I mean…shoot. Sorry guys. Oh, well…Only nine more weeks.. Last Week: 32

This Week’s Honorary Rexy Goes To: Vince Young! Oh, Vince. You may only be able to pass for 52 yards per game, but you’re still number one in our hearts. Actually, that’s not true. But your team did still win the game, so enjoy your Rexy!

This isn’t a YouTube thing, but it’s something I wanted to share with everybody. If you’re familiar with Comedy Central, you know about a little show called “The Daily Show.” What, old news?

Yeah, yeah, I know. But how about every second of every episode of “The Daily Show” ever? Here it is.

Now, try to get some work done today.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World.

1. The Colorado Rockies’ World Series Ticket Servers Were…Um…”Hacked.” First Hannah Montana, now the Rockies. Can the Mountain Timezone please get ticket sales right? Seriously, though, Ticketmaster scammers are gobbling up tickets to everything, like a sumo wrestler at a rice buffet.

2. It’s Cancelling Season! Nashville and Viva Laughlin are already out. Is your favorite show on the bubble? Well, let me put it this way…Probably. On the flipside, the new season of Amazing Race starts in a few weeks!

3. Dumbledore Is Gay. It’s this generation’s Vader is Luke’s father. No wonder Dumbledore wants to hang out with Harry so much. You know he saw Equus. At least we know Gandalf had someone to hang out with.

4. Speaking of Magic, David Copperfield Is Being Investigated. Police seized computers and cameras with video recordings of women he was interested in hooking up with from his shows. Also seized? $2 million. Just cuz.

5. Valve Cracking Down on Importing. People trying to register copies of The Orange Box on Steam in countries where the game has not been released are finding that it has been blocked on their computer. Damn you Region-Coded software! Those Austrailians want their Portal!

Last Week: We were in London for the hottest bit of English wrestling action since the time Viscera ate Trish. Randy Orton warmed the cockles of our hearts by wrestling three of the greatest matches you’ve ever seen. And Totally Not Jamal wrestled three matches you probably don’t even remember. Who will wrestle three matches…TONIGHT?!

Triple H: It’s that time of year again. Time for our end of the year cake.

Randy Orton: I must make admittance, I love lake.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Hunter, why do we celebrate cake DAY?

HHH: You know, six years later, I have no idea.

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

HHH: I lost that belt, Ric. Randy is the champ.

Orton: That’s flight! I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, are your WMD Champagne.

Shawn Michaels: I’ll give you this, Hunter. The catering is better than last year. I couldn’t take any more Bastion Burgers.

Orton: Yeah, thanks for capering couch-in Abe!

Abe Orton: The secret ingredient is babies!!

Batista: EWW!

Orton: And Steroids!

HHH: Oooh, gimmie!

In the ring….

Ken Kennedy: It’s me! Mister Kennedy! And if there’s one season I like, it’s election season! I mean, who doesn’t like the petty mudslinging and pointless pandering involved in scraping enough votes together to make your embarrassing loss in Iowa to Dennis Kucinich that much more palatable. But at Cyber Sunday, we pretty much just telegraph all this stuff. And Shawn Michaels is totally winning. So in order to salvage what little reputation I have left, I just wanted to say that I just want to come in second. I mean come on. Jeff Hardy? Really? Not in the main event of a PPV, y’alls. Not even Cyber Sunday.

Jeff Hardy: Hey! Mr. Kennedy! I’m up here! In the crowd! Why don’t you come up here and join me so you’ll know what it feels like when we’re eating nachos and processed cheez instead of wrestling at Cyber Sunday?

Kennedy: Ooh, Nachos!

Then he and Jeff fight over who will pay for the natchos. The brawl goes on for a few minutes until Randy Orton comes out to let them know that there’s some free Steroid Baby Nachos backstage. Jeff takes offense to the inference that he’s a druggie, so he starts to fight off Orton. Pretty soon everybody’s fighting over nachos and drugs, just like it should be with this group. Then Shawn Michaels gingerly prances out and clears the ring with the scruff of his beard. After all that, Jeff Hardy’s music plays. I don’t know either.

Kennedy: Nachos!

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Paul London, Brian Kendrick and Alexis Laree vs. Trevor Murdoch, Lance Cade and Melina

Melina doesn’t get a last name. I’m fascinated both by the fact that Cade and Murdoch are still the tag team champions, and by the fact that the Highlanders aren’t even mentioned. You know what? I already miss Daivari. Who will wrestle on Internet Heat now? Leyleahleyleahoooooh! For no apparent reason, Alexis tags herself into the match and gets her ass kicked by Melina. Way to strategize there, lady. Cade wants to beat the crap out of Alexis, but Murdoch is fascinated by her boobs, so he takes a clothesline for her, and London gets the win. Post match emotion check?

London: Wolfman beard.
Kendrick: Happy to be out here tonight.
Alexis: Perplexed.
Murdoch: Knocked out/hoping to get some action.
Cade: Confused.
Melina: Non-existent.

DIVA SEARCH 2007~! Todd Grisham gets to live out his ultimate fantasy of being dominated by a bunch of mildly attractive females, and then getting shivved by a guy named “Baby.”

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Backstage, in a locker room that just so happens to be decorated with Jeff Hardy merchandise….

Jeff Hardy: This locker room suits me.

Shawn Michaels: What I don’t get is…why even run? You know they’re going to ring the vote so I win. Otherwise that’s weeks of storytelling down the tubes.

Jeff:

In my dreams.
In. My. Dreams.
WWE Title
Coming home
Jeff Hardy holds it
Above his kick ass volcano
Matt
Jealous
Matt
Will I get any votes?
Or am I
2Xtreme?

Shawn: Your emoetry has no place here, boy!

Jeff: I’m already ahead in voting from the ImagiNation, Shawn.

Shawn: Damn you!

Elsewhere….

Cody Rhodes: WWE Magazine should really have more pictures.

Shelton Benjamin: Guess who’s off Internet Heat and ready to kick some ass?

Cody: Carlito?

Shelton: Well…Yeah. But also, me!

Charlie Haas: And, to a lesser extent, me.

Cody: So I don’t get it. Is lame promos and bad hair all it takes to be a heel around here?

Shelton: No, all it takes to be a heel is…your daddy!

Haas: Your daddy so fat, when he sits around the house, he really sits around the house!

Shelton: Yeah! Your daddy so fat, that his polka dots have their own zip code and his splotch has been zoned commercial!

Haas: Oh no he di’nt!

Cody buries his face in his hands. In another backstage area….

Jonathan Coachman: Man, everybody’s getting fired again. It’s a firing bonanza!

William Regal: And it looks like sexretaries are among the first to go, sunshine.

Coach: Is that a veiled threat against me, Mr. Regal?

Regal: There was nothing veiled about it. But we probably need you here so Homonym can feud with somebody.

Coach: Speaking of which, what do you think about the potential of a Harrypotter vs. Totally Not Jamal match tonight?

Regal: A fat Samoan vs. a midget? Sounds delightful! Book it! Hollyhobbie vs. Umanga!

Coach: Who the hell is Umanga?

Regal: Just book your stupid match.

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Cody Rhodes vs. Shelton Benjamin (w/ Charlie Haas)

Good to have you back, Charlie! No seriously. We needed somebody else in a tank top and shiny pants to take some of the heat off of HBK. The match goes back and forth for a little bit, with Shelton taking a distinct advantage at the end. But, stupidly, Shelton goes for the roll-up which is always countered in a match like this, and Cody ends up countering it for the win. After the match, there ain’t no stoppin’ Haas and Benjamin from working over Cody…NAH! Except there is, because Hardcore Holly comes out and clears the ring. He and Cody share a momentary glance of respect before Cody realizes that this means a face turn for Holly and not a heel turn for him. Cody cries.

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“D.H.” Smith vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool

“D.H.” announces to the crowd that, yes, he is indeed British Bulldog’s son, and he’d like to dedicate this match to his memory. Dude, that guy just retired earlier this year. Just because Inside the Ropes isn’t on OO anymore doesn’t mean he’s dead! Anyway, I hear “D.H.” stands for “Deathly Hallows” so at least we know the kid knows how to read. Carlito looks like he could give a rat’s ass about this, and I suppose after feuding with Hunter, this is kind of slumming it. Even for Carlito. Smith wins with a running power slam. I’d still rather he be “Harry” but it’s better than “Baby Bulldog.”

Backstage, Boobsie McTitsalot and Beth Phoenix are rubbing boobs.

Boobsie McTitsalot: For luck.

Beth Phoenix: Totally. After all, I am a Glamazon. And you’re about to be on your knees.

Boobsie: Another bondage sex tape?

Phoenix: Err…no.

Boobsie: Congratulations on your new game, by the way.

Phoenix: Thanks! Wanna make out?

Boobsie: Boobs!

So they do. Elsewhere, Totally Not Jamal is flanked by Coach. That’s the least threatening hall walking I think I’ve ever seen.

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Totally Not Jamal (w/ Jonathan Coachman) vs. Hornswaggle

Do you ever sit and wonder why Not Important hasn’t tried to bring Not Jamal over to SmackdECWn yet? That’s pretty much all I do. Which is sad on about 900 different levels. Lillian Garcia’s one skill, by the way, is looking dejected at mismatches like this. She does a way better job than Chimel or That Other Guy. Hornswaggle shows up from under the ring, but quickly bails up the ramp. Before Coach or Not Jamal can catch him, Triple H comes walking out of the entryway. So intense is the fighting between Triple H and Not Jamal that Pat Patterson and Tony Garea run out to try to pull them apart. Oh, yeah. These two will certainly be able to get the job done. Sadly, the tactic didn’t work, and Hunter and Not Jamal resumed fighting. Finally, a weeping Ricky Steamboat gets them to stop fighting and try to learn to respect each other for their differences.

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Backstage, Not Jamal is not respecting various tables and clangy poles for their differences. On the stage meanwhile….

Todd Grisham: I’m not doing this. I’m not doing this Diva Search crap again. You think it’s cool because you haven’t wasted much time on the actual shows showcasing this non-wrestling? Well, I don’t. I’m tired of these boobs with no personality flopping around our show, especially since they’re all getting contracts anyway. I’m tired of being emasculated in front of a live studio audience. I’m tired of all of this Diva Search crap.

Lena: Remember, Todd, Maria came from the Diva Search.

Grisham: Well…touche. But you know what? I don’t care what you say, because you’re eliminated! Now here’s two other stupid bimbos.

Brooke: I want to be a WWE Diva because…You should fire that other Brooke and let me be Brooke! Also the fans.

Eve: My name is Eve and you should vote for me because I have boobs. Also, the fans.

Grisham: Thrilling television, isn’t it folks? See you all never!

Todd Grisham runs backstage and dives into the Satireversary cake, which was made entirely of frosting and concrete. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Abe Orton: I wasn’t done with that yet!

Elsewhere….

Randy Orton: I know you must think I’m trough, what with being Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, and all. But I have feedings too. I miss by breast buggies Elge and Litco. And Ricky, Dan and Triple Eight, my old pans from Education, won’t hardly talk to me mandymoore. I guess what I’m askering, is…Kevin Kelly, will you be my new batfiend?

Ken Kennedy: Hell no!

Orton: That’s not very rice. You know nobrothy is going to vote for you. You’re the hell, and no-boggy likes to vote for the hell.

Kennedy: Yes, I know that. But I’m still going to relish every punch I get to throw at you during the post match brawl.

Orton: See? You’re enjoining our times to gather already!

Kennedy: BRAWL!

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Santino Marella and Maria have taken the stage. Speechify us, Santino!

Santino Marella: Thank-a you! I will-a commence with-a my speechifying-a! I just-a wanted everybody-a to know-a that I’m-a not in the WWE Magazine-a special 500th issueversary-a! But I will-a not be denied-a a place in this year’s-a sixth annual Satireversary-a!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): What the hell is a Satireversary?

Marella: It-a doesn’t matter-a! What’s Important-a here is all-a the guests-a attending tonight’s-a big party! Mantaur-a! The Rock-a! Stacy Keibler-a! Undertaker-a! Bret-a Hart! Andre-a the French-a Giant! Probably some Ducks-a! But the real-a star of the party-a will be-a m-

But wait! He’s interrupted by another Save_Us video! This one is Save_Us.X29. Um…So it’s another MegaMan game? Or the long awaited debut of Villano 29?

Marella: I certainly-a hope that-a was an advertisment-a for Villano 29! I love-a those guys-a! Steve Austin-a, I’m going-a to open up a can-a of whipped ass-a onto you face-a!

Santino Marella (w/ Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) vs. Ron Simmons

Maria doesn’t seem to into Ron any more. I’m guessing she found out that his motto used to be “Always Pounding Ass.” That’ll get a girl to turn on you pretty quick, believe me. I wonder why they didn’t make a segment out of that? The finding out thing, not the…pounding ass thing. Though, hey, there’s an untapped demographic for you. Not since the days of Jon Hnnrnnr, anyway. Though, in a sport comprised almost entirely of greased up men rubbing each other, I don’t know how far off the pounding ass demo we really are. Santino kicks Ron in the balls for the DQ. Thanks!

Backstage….

Triple H: Ok, we’ve switched caterers to better fall in line with the company’s “Wellness Policy” whatever that is. Also, because I specifically requested “Marble” cake, not concrete. Concrete is a fool’s cake. The new guy should be here any minute.

Ric Flair: I’m going to take his old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO!

HHH: Settle down, Naitch.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Here he COMES!

Big Daddy V: I hear somebody’s lookin’ for a chef!

HHH: What the hell do you know about cooking, Viscera?

Daddy V: I’m fat.

Batista: He makes a good POINT!

HHH: Where’s that doctor guy? The one that used to do Masters’ matches?

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): You mean Fudgecookie-son?

HHH: Sure?

Maria: Oh, I don’t know.

Daddy V: Aren’t you supposed to be rambling about being the King of Kings and Destroyer of Men or something?

HHH: Hell if I know. Does…does anybody here know how to cook beets?

Flair: Cook beets? They’re already cooked! Cook beets?! They’re already cooked!

HHH: That’s not really helping, Ric.

Elsewhere, Boobsie is flouncing around backstage. I wonder if she knows how to cook beets.

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Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Beth Phoenix
2 out of 3 Falls Match for the WWE Women’s Title

Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think that Boobsie would be the one to get the call on the “Wrestle Three Times in One Night” run. Oh well. Beth Phoenix would like to remind everyone that Beth Phoenix: Ace Attorney Trials and Tribulations is in stores now. Boobsie would like to remind everybody that ALL EYES ON MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME! Unfortunately for her, Beth’s eyes were on her, and poor Boobsie ends up getting Chokeslamed. Beth wins the first fall!

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Beth has control out of commercials, but Boobsie quickly swings momentum her way. Things seem to be going great for the former champ when suddenly she goes up to the top and jumps off onto her head. That’s…Probably not a good idea. Even Ric Flair wouldn’t have done that. Beth starts dragging Boobsie around the ring by her hair, because that’s what you do when somebody lands on their head, and gets the pin for the win. I guess nobody had to wrestle three times tonight after all! After the match, the medical staff floods the ring to treat Boobsie. Either that, or they figure it’s a great time to get in on some quality groping action. “Oh, yeah, baby! I’ve got to strap you in to this stretcher. Let me just hold your boobs down….”

Dr. Yukio Hatori: In my medical opinion, you have…a case of the flu. Wash it down with some chicken soup and you’ll be fine.

Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! Her injury clearly stems from a fall off the turnbuckle, not a previously existing disease.

Hatori: You’re a lawyer, what do you know about medical diagnoses?

Phoenix: OBJECTION! You’re not even a real medical doctor!

Hatori: Touche.

Randy Orton is wandering around backstage. Probably looking for a piece of cousin Abe’s world famous concrete cake.

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Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels vs. Ken Kennedy and Randy Orton

The crowd pops for Jeff coming out which is cute. The story of the match is that none of these guys trust each other, but they’re willing to work together for the greater good of making themselves look stronger before a PPV. Well, that’s the kind of spirit they need a little more of on this show. Giving and loving self promotion. It’s back and forth for about ten minutes before Jeff lands a Swanton on Kennedy for the pin. Poor Mr. Kennedy. He was supposed to be on top of the world, and now look at him! Orton comes in to congratulate Jeff on his thrilling victory, but Shawn Michaels nails the SUPERKICK TO ORTON~! first. Shawn…I doubt that Jesus would’ve done that.

Jesus: Nah, a shovel to the face’ll do more damage.

Sunday Sunday Cyber Sunday: Who will win the fan voting for the main event?! Here’s a hint: It won’t be Jeff Hardy or Ken Kennedy! Will Triple H take on Totally Not Jamal in a Spelling Bee, a Dance-Off or will they take the Physical Challenge? And what wacky outfit will the Divas have to dress up in? I’ve got an inside scoop that says that they’ll be Bloodthirsty Pirates, but you never know!

Meanwhile….

Triple H: This apple pie is delicious! My compliments to the chef.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: You know what they say, an apple pie a day keeps me in business!

Mantaur: You know, guys, wrestling has really changed since I was around. You all have it good. Back in my day, a half man, half minotaur like me couldn’t get a fair shake. Now you’ve got a Leprechaun running part of your company.

Andre the French Giant: OOAHGH MPTHA ATOOOGA!!!

Mantaur attempts to Gore Andre, but he passes right through the ghostly visage and knocks himself out on the Marble cake.

HHH: Would you people leave the cake alone?! Geez!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Let us give THANKS! I am thankful for BUNNIES!

HHH: Umm…Dave, it’s Satireversary. Not Thanksgiving.

Batista: But I like BUNNIES!!

Duck: Quack! Quack!

Flair: WOO! That’s why the Duck is the Champ!

Maven: Can somebody pass the gravy?

HHH: Sure thing, Rock. Congratulations on the success of Girl Football Movie.

Maven: Err…Thanks?

Bret Hart: Why did you guys even invite me anyway? The New Hart Foundation angle was cancelled! I was never part of the Satireversary celebrations anyway. I hate all of you people!

Shawn Michaels: Then go away! But leave the cranberry sauce, will you?

Hart: No! My precious!!

HHH: Man, a lot of things have changed over the last six years.

Hart: Yeah, I’m not bitter any more!

HBK: And I’m no-

Hart: Shut up, asshole!

HHH: I’m not as controlling.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I have done a lot of growing UP!

Maven: I don’t work here any more!

Duck: QUACK!

Stacy Keibler: Totally, duckie! I’m not a title belt now. I’m just a Hollywood vagrant! But I’d never miss a Satireversary!

Santino Marella: I’m-a just glad to be-a here tonight-a!

HHH: Go away, Santino.

Marella: In the imortal-a words of Ron-a Simmons: “Crap-a!”

Andre: GAAAAAH!

Hatori: I really do miss the Iron Chef Wrestling gang.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): Me too, Fudgecookie-son. Me too. Oh, I’ve neeped too many people!

Randy Orton: I miz my best fiend Pledge!

Flair: I’ve changed the most! I’m no longer a crazy old man!

HHH: Sure, sure, Naitch. But I like that we’re able to get together every year, on this completely arbitrary day, which nobody knows why it’s called the “Satireversary” or what that even means, and celebrate. As a family. I…I love you guys!

Orton: Evening me?

HHH: No.

Suddenly, the lights go out, the cake lights on fire and a symbol appears hovering over the table.

The Disembodied Voice of The Undertaker: Happy Satireversary to All and to All…REST IN PEACE!

Thanks for reading, everyone!

I’m working on an offsite WoW guide, so my onsite WoW guide is kind of on hold. Until then, amuse yourself with this Online WoW Comic.

The humor in LFG is a little hit or miss, even for WoW fans. But the story is pretty neat, and the artwork is off the charts.

Last Week: Randy Orton celebrated the longest reign by anyone not named John Cena in over a year. 48 Whole Hours. Teddy Hart got fired, in a move that I’m sure shocked…actually, I’m sure even Teddy isn’t surprised at this point. And, Shawn Michaels returned as a fashion disaster. Who will return…TONIGHT?!

Aw crap. We’re in England tonight, and you know what that means….

Williaum Regaul is backstage, gazing longingly at the Quueen.

Williaum Regaul: That sure is a queen.

Raundy Ortoun: It is I, Raunky Q. Mourgan, Legend Kill Guy and Current WWG Funyon. I was just thinking-

Regaul: Always a terrible idea.

Ortoun: The one zing that would intrude this show the moist, is if I, Raunky Q. Mourgan, Legend Kill Guy and Current WZZ Funyon, were to appear on this show in not ton not zoo but tree segmentaries! That will provide a sure booze to our razings.

Regal: Oh, there would be razings, of that I have no doubt.

Ortoun: Edictly! But there’s no bodies I hate more than Elvish people, they don’t deserve to see hot Ourtown action.

Regaul: Randy, I’m Elvish…Er…English.

Ortoun: Then I hate you, Counditioner Reupo. I hope you can liver with your shelf.

Regaul: Wait a minute. Aren’t you part Elvish?

Ortoun: Only on Thursdays and every udder Caturday.

Tauzz: I hear that, brotha. It’s tough bein’ a Dwarf.

Riuc Flauir: That story was stricken from cannon! Nobody mention it anymore!

Tauzz: Why?

Flauir: Because…Heu Whou Shaull Nout Beu Naumed is in it.

Ortoun: Lourdes Vouldemort!

Tauzz: Shhhhhh!

Regaul: Didn’t you quit, Riuc?

Flauir: WOOOO!

(Opening Credits)

At ringside, now….

Williaum Regaul: I’m bored and haggard, and a little jet lagged. And have you ever tried eating English food after a long flight? Of course you have. And you’ve all had the runs something fierce too. Anyway, because it will totally help me slack off, I’m booking Raundy Ortoun in three matches just like he wants. Yay! Shut up. I’m tired and cranky.

Raundy Ortoun vs. Jeuff Haurdy

Randy is not happy with this match, because he hates ravers just as much as he hates elves. He should be stumping for Jeuff though because they’d never, ever put the title on him. Not even the Spinnin’ one. Maybe the Ravin’ World Title. Or Volcano Building Championship of the World. Man…Those would be way cooler than the ECW Title. I wonder how C.M. Puunk is at building volcanoes. Probably pretty good, I’d think. Keun Keunnedy runs out and starts throwing giant fuzzy hats in the ring, which distracts Haurdy long enough to get his foot caught in a chin strap and fall over. Ortoun wins!

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Sauntino Maurella (w/ Maria (nee Puunk Teunnyson Luund Maurella Cauribbean Cooul)) vs. Seaun Could Vaul Veunis

I thought Mauria hated Sauntino. Maybe I was thinking of WWE RAW Referee Jauck Doaun though. I like her gloves though. Swanky. This match, of course, was supposed to happen last week, but Aube Ortoun stepped in and kicked Vaul in the face, so it didn’t happen. Think of it this way, buddy, at least you’re not on Internet Heat. Ugh. Sauntino rolls up Vaul in the ropes for the win. Mauria loves this, because she’s a bitch, apparently. Not when she wrestles though. Or when she’s hanging out with Roun Simmouns. Just so her face/heel divide is clear. Hey! Maybe Coudy Rhoudes can be Sauntino’s valet!

DIVA SEARCH 2007~! Who will be eliminated this week? I hope it’s not the one with boobs.

Backstage…

Caurlito Cauribbean Cooul: I’m hardly on TV anymore. What’s with that?

Jounathan Coauchman: I don’t know, man. I always just kind of assumed that it had something to do with your hair. Or maybe Mauria got your TV time in the divorce.

Caurlito: Man, don’t remind me. I knew I should’ve signed the prenup.

Coauch: Why are you holding a really tiny apple anyway?

Caurlito: I’m glad you asked, Coauch. You see-

Hournswaggle: No one cares!

Coauch: Hauleyjoelosment! Come back here! Come back so I can raise you!

(ads)

Still backstage….

Jounathan Coauchman: Look, I just want to talk, ok?

Hournswaggle: Get the hell away from me, Couch Man! I don’t want to hear any of your filthy lies. I’m a McMauhon, which means that you work for me!

Coauch: Well, will you please get off the catering table, at least?

Hournswaggle: Hecks no! I love walking on ham sandwiches. I’ve never felt so alive! Here, you try it.

Coauch climbs up onto the table and steps gingerly onto a ham sandwich, which explodes, throwing him across the room. Hournswaggle leaves.

Coauch: Houndaciviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!

Touugh Enouugh Jeussie: Are you going to finish that ham sandwich?

Coauch: Yes. Yes, I am.

T.E. Jeussie: There’s never any food for me! WAAAAAAH!

Elsewhere….

Viunce McMauhon: Williaum, I have to ask you…Are you trying to tell us something with all these gay icons on your wall?

Williaum Regaul: For the last time, Viunce! No! I’m not! Geez. Can you name a British Icon over the last three decades that wasn’t flaming gay? Think hard.

Viunce: Dauvid Beuc-

Regaul: Come on now. Pretty boy. Always shirtless. Plays footie? Married a robot?

Viunce: Ok, you’ve got me.

Regaul: So, no. I’m just celebrating cultural pride.

Viunce: Well, you know what else is totally straight? Two sweaty men beating each other up in their underwear! And tonight, we’re going to see Toutally Nout Jamaul beat up some jobber just like he will to the injured Triuple H at Cyber Sunday.

Regual: Cyber Sunday. Yes. Awful name.

Viunce: Williaum, are you even paying attention?

Regaul: Triuple Haiutch and Uuuuuuuumanga. Yes. Right.

Vince: What the hell is an Umanga?

Regaul: To be honest with you, Viunce, I haven’t heard a word you’ve said since “Well.” I’m still suffering the effects of my England bourne face turn, I’m afraid, so I won’t be of much use to you.

Keun Keunnedy is wandering around backstage. I hope he realizes that everything is backwards in England! He’s going the wrong way!

(ads)

Keun Keunnedy vs. Raundy Ortoun

Keun Keunnedy: Even though Shauwn Michaeuls is going to win, I want you all to vote for me, because that’ll make WWE think that people like me, and maybe that would make them stop jobbing me out! OUT!

I don’t think it’s going to happen, duder. It’s fun listening to British people add the vowels to Keunnedy’s name as he’s talking though. That’s the best part of the overseas tours I think. Hillarious accents. It works for the American South and Canada too. Both guys go for some punchy-CHINLOCK~!y action, but the match quickly ends when Jeuff Haurdy runs out and starts throwing some punches at Keunnedy. That’s the DQ. Hey…Keunnedy wins! His polling strategy is already working!

(ads)

Viunce McMauhon: I know you’re all really excited for WWE Cyber Sunday, the event where you, the fans, get to make up the matches and stipulations, so long as they’re the ones we want you to pick. I mean seriously, guys, nobody is paying for that Pauul London vs. Jaumie Nouble main event. Ok? Geez. Now, I’d like to introduce you to tonight’s human crash dummy. What’s your name?

Aundy Simmouns: My name is Aundy Simmouns, govnah! Pip pip! Cheerio!

Viunce: How nice. Now, here’s a guy who definitely isn’t Jamaul, Toutally Nout Jamaul!

Aundy Simmouns vs. Toutally Nout Jamaul
In a Street Fight

Because nothing says “I’m going to beat up a 34 time World Champion” quite like beating up some pasty dude they pulled out of a local indy fed last night. The match pretty much goes exactly as expected, with poor Aundy (who in another lifetime would’ve been a member of the Poulice) getting the crap kicked out of him by Nout Jamaul in a fairly standard fight. The only “street” part of it was Nout Jamaul Samoan Dropping Aundy onto a chair, which, I have to admit, has happened in every street fight I’ve ever been in. I never know why Aundy and Nout Jamaul always show up though. The Samoan Bulldogzer wins!

Viunce: But that’s not all! No, no! We’ve got time to kill and not enough wrestlers to do it!

Aundy Simmouns vs. Toutally Nout Jamaul
In a First Blood Match

I love how the referees at ringside don’t even put up a fight on this one. They just kind of dump Aundy at him. And say what you want, but Aundy is having the time of his life here. Dude just went from stocking tea at the grocer to getting more face time on RAW than Daivauri has had in six months. Nout Jamaul peppers him with thumbs to his eye, though, which may make him reconsider his lot in life. Sure enough, blood comes spouting out of Aundy’s eyehole, and Nout Jamaul wins again!

Viunce: You know what though? Seriously, if we’re going to drag Ortoun out here three times in one night, why not the fastest rising star in the business today Aundy Simmouns! Here he is again!

Aundy Simmouns vs. Toutall Nout Jamaul
In a Cage Match

Man, RAW is just showing some poor clock management here tonight. Aundy should take a time out so they can regroup. Except I don’t think he can speak any more, what with the missing eye and all. He can start work next week as a pirate though! YARR! That’ll be cool. Not quite as cool is Nout Jamaul throwing Aundy into the side of the cage for ten minutes before he gets tuckered out and takes a nap. Finally, Viunce just gets in there and rolls him out the door. Naut Jamaul wins!

Viunce: I swear, that looked better on paper.

(ads)

Backstage, Hournswaggle is driving around on a Double Decker power wheels, whilst Coauch is chasing him around on a stick horse as Touugh Enouugh Jeussie follows along clapping two coconut halves together.

Ron Simmons: This chase scene needs the Beunnie Hiull theme. That would really put it over the top, I think.

In the ring….

Jiullian Haull: Liullian Gaurcia! Yeah, I’m talking to you, mang. Your performance last week inspired flaccid record sales and a poor performance on iTunes. Maybe you should stick to your day job. Whatever that is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sing a bit of The Zoumbies.

Jiullian Haull vs. Booubsie McTitsaulot

Unfortunately, she never gets a verse out because Boobsie demands All Eyes on MeMEMEMEMMEMEMEME! Unfortunately for Madame Titsaulot, Jillian also takes that to mean “all hands” too, so she levels Booubsie with a few punches. Do you suppose Sir Titsaulot was a member of King Auurther’s court? And if not, don’t you think the Knights of the Round Table could’ve used him? I guess that has no bearing on this match at all, but that’s fine, because Booubsie just wins with a roll-up anyway.

Probably not even in England….

Beuth Phoeunix: OBJECTION! Next week, Booubsie there is challenging me to a rematch for the WWE Women’s title. Well, that’s fine, because next week is the thrilling release of my new game Beuth Phoenuix: Trials and Tribulations for the Nintendo DS. All Booubsie’s fans can expect to see her on her knees begging for mercy. Which, if you’ve seen her videos on the Internet, should be quite familiar to you.

Probably in England….

Coudy Rhoudes: Man, “Coudy?” That name sucks.

Haurdcore Hoully: I hear they’ve been advertising our big rematch all week. Millions of people are going to be tuning in to RAW tonight just to watch Haurdcore Hoully wrestle. Are you ready for some action?

Coudy: Eh…Not really. I was actually thinking that I should become Sauntino Maurella’s girlfriend, so I can turn heel.

Hoully slaps Coudy.

Coudy: What was that for?

Hoully: Quit making sense! That’d turn you heel, but is that what you really want? To be Sauntino’s valet?

Coudy: Sigh…Not really. I guess I just want to be a heel so bad, I’ll do anything.

Hoully: That’s the spirit! We’ll see what we can do.

(ads)

Briaun Keundrick (w/ Pauul London) vs. Roury McAulister (w/ Roubbie McAulister)

Trevour Muurdoch and Launce Caude are on commentary. They love the Hiughlander’s new Dark Quickening based offense and their evil black kilts. The fans in England aren’t into it though. Geez, guys. The war with Scotland was years ago. Get over it. Anyway, Spaunky goes for his vaunted “Backflips in the Corner” offense, but Roury counters that by kicking him in the face. Well, that’s not very clever. A little bit of outside shenanigans between Roubbie and London distract Keundrick, and Roury picks up the win. The heel tag teams have a staredown, but you can tell they’re both just happy to be off Internet Heat.

(ads)

Backstage, Toudd Grishaum is standing by with Shauwn Michaeuls.

Toudd Grishaum: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels, and no, I’m not adding superfluous “u”s to everything.

Shauwn Michaeuls: Oh, come on, Toudd. You know what they say. When in Rome….

Toudd: We’re not in Rome! We’re not even in London! We’re in Birmingham! And they don’t add letters to every word! Geez!

Shauwn: Did you just take the Lourd’s name in vain?

Toudd: You know what? Yes. Yes I did.

HBUK superkicks Toudd’s head off. Toudd Grishaum has fallen.

Shauwn: So, in closing. Vote for me!

Elsewhere, Coauch and Hournswaggle are still driving around the backstage area. Hournswaggle darts into the Women’s Locker Room and Coauch follows him in there. After a few seconds, Hournswaggle comes out with a bra and Aulexis Lauree hanging off him, and Coauch comes out with curlers stapled to his head and a lovely pedicure.

Save_Us.228 now? What does it all mean?! Save us? Save who? Wait…Save…U.S.? The return of the Leux Expreuss!! Jium Rouss and Jeurry “” Lauwler are not impressed.

Coauch and Hournswaggle have made it out to the ring. Hournswaggle ducks underneath into his hidden zone. By the way, if you were ever wondering why there were stop signs and things under the ring, now you know. They’re from Hournswaggle’s village. You should see all the accidents and congestion down there now. Anyway, Coauch is about to use an Acme Explosive Plunger to…blow up the ring, I guess, but he gets distracted by some Free Birdseed. Overcome by hunger, Coauch runs up to the birdseed, only to realize that the birdseed was only free with a purchase of a Happy Meal. Adequately chagrined, Coach returns to his plunger and gets run over by Hournswaggle’s Double Decker bus.

Hournswaggle: Meep Meep!

(ads)

Coudy Rhoudes vs. Haurdcore Hoully

I wonder if Coudy is upset that he wasn’t picked to take Teuddy Haurt’s place in the New Hart Foundation. Doesn’t the New Hart Foundation sound like a charity? For only $2.50 per month, you can sponsor a child just like Teuddy here, giving him all the immunizations and well water a child like him needs to do backflips and piss people off. Anyway, the story of the match is that Hoully keeps trying to beat up Coudy, but Coudy rolls away from Boub and hits him with a backslide. Finally, Hoully gets sick of it and punches Coudy in the face. Haurdcore wins! After the match, Coudy looks pretty pissed off and Hoully looks…constipated, maybe?

(ads)

Raundy Ortoun vs. Shauwn Michaeuls

This is the match they want you to vote for, by the way. Just so you know. To make things a little more obvious, they lower a neon sign above the ring that says, “Wouldn’t this make for a Great PPV Match?” Ortoun and Shauwn go back and forth for a little while, but just when it looks like Michaeuls is going to get the upper hand, Keun Keunnedy runs in for the DQ. Keunnedy and Ortoun double team Michaeuls to try to eliminate him from the running, but the Libertarian Candidate Jeuff Haurdy runs down and takes out Keunnedy. With Keun eliminated, Shauwn is in perfect position to hit the SUPERKICK TO ORTOUN~! SHAUWN MICHAEULS IS GOING TO CYBER SUNDAY! Errr…maybe. If you vote for him that is. Cough Cough.

And then the ring explodes.

Jium Rouss: Bebedbedbe-That’s All Folks!

Next Week: Beuth Phoeunix celebrates the launch of her new game with a decisive verdict over Booubsie McTitsaulot. Also, Shauwn Michaeuls desperately panders for votes by telling people that his running mate will be Chrius Jeuricho. Also? A little thing called the Satireversary.

1. Indianapolis Colts: A lot of people, including myself, kind of called Indy out last week, challenging them to put up or shut up against the Jaguars, a team that pounded them last season. Well, Indianapolis put up. A resounding 27-7 victory over a very good Jags team, should go a long way to answer Indy’s critics. For two weeks anyway. Last Week: 1

2. New England Patriots: Tom Brady is dominating everyone this year, but one concern rose up this weekend. Ahead 42-7 in the second half of their contest with the Dolphins, the Pats took their foot off the accelerator. Miami scored a few garbage TDs, so Brady went back in to play mop up. What’s more disturbing? New England’s lack of concentration in the second half? Or their insistence on running up the score? It’s lose-lose in New England. Last Week: 2

3. Dallas Cowboys: It took some doing, but Dallas continued its winning ways this week. Minnesota held Dallas in check for three quarters, but a blocked kick returned for a touchdown just what the doctor ordered for the Cowboys. They needed it too, because the Giants are suddenly breathing right down their necks.. Last Week: 4

4. New York Giants: The Giants are suddenly making a huge push in the NFC East, and Tiki Barber is looking a little less smug sitting next to Matt Lauer. It was fun to pile on the Giants for the first couple weeks, but this is a contending team. Next up? Eli Manning posing with the Buckingham guards. Last Week: 9

5. San Diego Chargers: The Chargers spent their bye week wisely, adding a receiving threat to their pass offense. Sure, Chris Chambers might be a bit of an underachiever with a case of the dropsies, but at least they got a guy who can let the Chargers locker room know that there are worse locker rooms in the NFL right now. Last Week: 6

6. Pittsburgh Steelers: It really is tough to take a team seriously when they drop games to Arizona and a Denver team which is struggling to find its identity right now. Are the Steelers a good team? Yes. Are they an elite team? Not really. But at least Coach Mike Tomlin has an awesome collection of sunglasses. Last Week: 3

7. Jacksonville Jaguars: It’s not losing to Indy that’s bad, it’s getting crushed by Indy that hurts. On the fashion front, Coach Jack Del Rio needs to put his suit coat back on. Rolled up dress shirt just makes him look like a District Manager for Wendys. Oh, and whose idea was it to put a Florida team in all black home uniforms? They’re going to roast poor Dennis Northcut. Last Week: 5

8. Green Bay Packers: Nothing much going on for the Pack during their bye week, while they try to maintain their momentum after winning a bunch of games with literally no rushing attack. The only help the Packers got this bye? Koren Robinson drunkenly stumbled his way back onto the practice turf this week, and managed not to barf on Bret Favre in the huddle. Last Week: 7

9. Tennessee Titans: Hey, forget Vince Young! When you have Kerry Collins leading your team you…Um…I really don’t have a positive way to end that sentence. Even if he did play well. But hey, Rob Bironas going crazy with those field goals, am I right? Last Week: 11

10. Washington Redskins: I won’t lay the praise on too thick in this one. Washington is the third team from the NFC East in the top ten, but that doesn’t change the fact that Ol’ One Arm Kurt Warner and the Arizona Cardinals gave the Redskins everything they had this week, and came up just shy of winning the game. Still, you have to give it up for a tearful Joe Gibbs, who was so giddy in the post game press conference, you’d think the Golden Girls just reunited or something. Last Week: 12

11. Carolina Panthers: Twas the bye week for the Panthers, but it’s looking good in Carolina. David Carr has had a week to rest his ailing back, Steve Smith has had a week to work on his defense busting moves, and Vinny Testeverde has had a week to nap and watch Matlock. Last Week: 13

12. Kansas City Chiefs: Hey, Kansas City! Your Chiefs are in first place, so there’s finally something to do in your town! Well…on Sundays at least. You have to love the fact that Priest Holmes came back from his second career ending injury to rush for 9 yards too. Hey, he was more productive this week than LaDanian Tomlinson! Last Week: 14

13. Denver Broncos: 3-3 isn‘t exactly a record to brag about, and even after a good game, Jay Cutler looks like the quarterback of “until we find somebody better,” but the Broncos are right in the race for the AFC West, and that really says something. Either something about how crappy the AFC West is, or something about Denver‘s resiliency. I‘m not really sure yet. Last Week: 21

14. Detroit Lions: If you watched any of the Lion‘s win over Tampa, you‘ll know two things. 1) Detroit is a decent football team with good receivers and a competitive defense. 2) Mike Martz still has no concept of “Running the Football.” That will get them in trouble more often than not, but not this week. Last Week: 22

15. Seattle Seahawks: Sure, the Seahawks won in a blowout, but it‘s a little frightening for fans in Seattle to see Shawn Alexander out there with the ball. When Matt Hasselbeck is running with more purpose than the former NFL MVP? There might be long term problems for the Seahawks. Last Week: 16

16. Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens lost a rough one to the Bills this week. The offense struggled at times, but it was actually clicking on Sunday when the defense failed to seal the deal. Looks like some AFC team needs some couples counseling! Well, it‘d probably be good for Ray Lewis anyway. Last Week: 8

17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Are the wheels coming off the Jeff Garcia train? Not quite, but he did fumble away a win at Detroit this week, and the 98-year old journeyman is starting to show some age in the pocket. Anyone will tell you, however, that the secret to Garcia’s longevity lies in marrying another Playboy Cover Beard…I mean Model. Last Week: 10

18. Houston Texans: Houston isn’t what one might call a “good” team, but one really has to be impressed by Sage Rosenfels (previous accomplishment: Making EA Sports lackeys type “Sage Rosenfels in Madden Roster Creator) overcoming a 35-7 gap in the fourth quarter and damn near beating the Titans by himself. Them’s some Frank Reich-like numbers, and we all know what happened to him! Well…maybe not. Last Week: 16

19. Cleveland Browns: Brady Quinn Watch: Brady was ecstatic to celebrate his first NFL bye week. During his time off, Quinn courageously studied his playbook, learned to samba, and wrote the first chapter of his memoirs. “Chapter One: How to Carry a Clipboard Courageously.” Last Week: 19

20. Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals won Sunday, but spent most of the weekend trying to deflect rumors that they were ready to implode the team and start over. To be sure, getting rid of the rest of the team wouldn’t do much good, and besides, they’ve already paid for all those jail cells to be installed in the locker room. Last Week: 24

21. Buffalo Bills: The Bills came away with a win on Sunday, despite somewhat lackluster play from every position on the field. However, Buffalo has looked fiesty this season, and if Marshawn Lynch, Trent Edwards and Lee Evans can develop a rapport, the Bills might actually be able to make a move or two this season. Last Week: 26

22. Minnesota Vikings: A lesser team would’ve collapsed against the Vikings, who showed enough defensive intensity to overcome a horrible offensive performance in Dallas. However, the Cowboys weren’t a lesser team, and the Vikings are going back to the well with another mysterious “Tarvaris Jackson injury.” Last Week: 23

23. Chicago Bears: I do like the fact that the Bears celebrated their win over the Philadelphia Eagles like it was the game that was going to turn around their season. Who knows, maybe it will be, but for now, the Bears are still a third tier team in the NFL, and this year? That‘s really saying something. Last Week: 25

24 New Orleans Saints: The Saints aren’t back to full throttle quite yet, but another couple wins, and they’re challenging for the NFC South Title. Reggie Bush needs to keep coming to play, however, as the New Orleans defense is going to struggle to keep up with…well…everybody. Last Week: 27

25. Oakland Raiders: From first to worst in two weeks in the AFC West, that has to sting a little bit. Of course, part of the problem was suiting up Dante Culpepper at quarterback, who has looked like Dante Culpepper at times this season. If only he could play in New England…. Last Week: 17

26. Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals sure tried this week, but they couldn’t put it all together, so they’re relegated to spoiler status once again in the NFC. Major props to Kurt Warner, however, for overcoming his gargoyle wife, and playing the entire game with one arm in a cast. Take that, Matt Leinart! Last Week: 18

27. Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles are lucky to be 2-4, and unless somebody can slap Andy Reid awake, they’re going to struggle throughout the rest of the season. All hope is not lost, however. There’s still many weeks to play, and many chances for people to wear ungodly uniforms. Last Week: 29

28. San Francisco 49ers: Frank Gore called out his teammates after Sunday’s loss, and stated that the 49ers should show some passion on the field after nearly winning the division last season. Gore’s message was well received by everyone, except quarterback Trent Dilfer, whose hearing aid was not turned up at the time. Last Week: 28

29. Atlanta Falcons: So Byron Leftwich went from third stringer up to starter this week and…well…he sucked. Even before he got hurt. Joey Harrington played his typical mediocre football, but somehow it just wasn’t enough for the Falcons to win. Last Week: 30

30. New York Jets: The Jets are just looking for answers at this point, but every time they turn around, they’ve got more questions. The biggest controversy brewing in New York isn’t whether or not Kellen Clemmons should get a shot to get himself injured, it’s whether or not Joe Torre has ever considered coaching football. Last Week: 29

31. Saint Louis Rams: Well, who knew the Rams would go from “The Greatest Show on Turf” to “When do the Cardinals break camp?” in just a few years? It doesn’t help that they’ve lost a lot of people to injuries, but that really excuse an 0-7 start, now does it? Last Week: 31

32. Miami Dolphins: How in the world do you suck worse than the Rams? Suit up in a Dolphins uniform! The Fins lost their starting receiver to a trade and their running back and quarterback to injury. On the plus side, I heard the Internet is abuzz about their new center. Yeah…when the buzz about your team is on a lineman? You’re screwed. Ten more weeks, Dolphins fans. Last Week: 32

This Week’s Honorary Rexy Award Goes To: Shawn Alexander. Keep walking to that hole like you’re afraid ghosts are going to pop out of it, buddy. The O-Line will keep it open for you. Try not to fall over once you’re through though, and…oh…Never mind.

This week’s YouTube Monday video is less an interesting or entertaining piece of YouTube culture, and more a precautionary tale about adult Halloween celebrations.

Here you see the police, like Stormtroopers on horseback (or would that be dewback?) riding on a mob prepared to dispense punishment to the offenders. If you’re familiar with Madison’s annual Halloween parade, you know that this is not an altogether uncommon sight. All I ask, Hock Show readers, is that this Halloween, you try to avoid getting tear gassed. Thanks.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Apparently, There is Cheating in Online Poker. One of the owners of AbsolutePoker.com was using his access to the site’s code to view other player’s cards during the game. The players got wise and called in MSNBC. Now, the guy says he was just doing it to prove flaws in the code, and that makes me think. Next on the to do list? Get on the staff of a poorly coded poker site.

2. Star Wars TV Series on the Fast Track. Lucasfilm is currently hiring around 20 writers who will go over a season arc with Lucas, and then split off to write individual episodes. Lucas will pay for production himself, and once they have about half the season in the bag, they’ll shop it around. The same is being done for the Clone Wars Animated Series. No word yet on what Jar Jar’s per diem will be.

3. Adobe Planning a Move to All Internet Based Tools by 2017. That’s right kids, no more software for you! Adobe’s president basically came out and said, “Look, we think people are dumb enough to pay for a subscription to Photoshop every month rather than find something else.” Good…luck with that?

4. The Hottest Item on BitTorrent This Week? RadioHead’s “Free” Album. Ooooh, Internet People. When will you learn? I know it’s hard to understand, but when something is already cheap as free, you don’t need to steal it. I guess the allure of getting illicit MP3s really is too much for us to bear.

5. Sony Is Selling Its Cell Processor Manufacturing Facilities. No, it’s not giving up on the PS3 (at least not yet), but it *is* turning over creation of its priciest parts to…Toshiba. The manufacturer of a little thing called HD-DVD. Yeah…This relationship is going to end well.