Last Week: Shawn Michaels tried and failed to help Mr. Kennedy put a DVD together. Triple H and Jeff Hardy became the best of friends for some reason. And Chris Jericho came back wrong. Who will come back…TONIGHT?!
Triple H and Jeff Hardy vs. Totally Not Jamal and Abe Orton
Best friends, I tell you! Ross starts screaming about how awesome it is that the main event is on first. I wonder how much Hunter paid him to say that.I can’t tell if I feel worse for Jeff, who’s finally getting the rub from Hunter six years too late, or Jericho, who is coming back right when Hunter decided to give the rub to Hardy. I think I feel worst for Hunter, mostly because he’s feuding with Abe. The teams battle to a draw, so while they’re taking more cards, we’ll take some time for these….
Not Jamal and Abe Orton are in control when we come back, and they’re beating the crap out of Jeff. I wonder if Jeff will ever get the hot tag in this feud. Wouldn’t that be something. But for now, Hunter gets the tag and comes in a house afire. Not literally, though. Jeff Hardy hits some moves and Jim Ross rightly calls them all, “That flippy crap.” Then Hunter gets the PEDIGREE TO TOTALLY NOT JAMAL! That would be enough, but HHH waits for Jeff to hit the Swanton too. That was nice of him. Hunter and Hardy win! It looks like the ghost of Christmas past scared SOMEBODY!
William Regal: I’m tired of you two pretending to be friends. We all know you hate each other. That’s why you’re going to wrestle each other with all the armoires on the line at WWE Armoiregettin’!
Triple H: Not the Intercontinental Title though, right?
Regal: No, no. Don’t be silly.
HHH: Ok, cool.
Backstage…Ric Flair is showing up. Late? Not a good way to start your first day back, dude.
And now he’s in the ring. Well, at least he’s starting quickly.
Ric Flair: WOO! CharlottebyGodNatureBoySylin’andProfilin’WOOO! I know you’re all wondering why I haven’t been on RAW much lately-
Crowd: No we’re not! You got traded to Smackdown!
Flair: That was weird how you all organized that. But yeah, I got traded to Smackdown. And I started my own business, and got married, and started to pay off my taxes, and I was a limo ridin’, jet flyin’, wheelin’ and dealin’ SON OF A GUN! WOOO! Which brings me to my next point, really my first point, which is that, I’m not going to retire! I’m NEVER going to retire! Not until I’m dead! WOO!
Vince McMahon: Who’s out here making my crowd uncomfortable? Ric Flair, eh? Well, what are you doing out here? Retiring, I hope?
Flair: Retire me?! I’m already retired! Retire me?! I’m already retired!
Vince: But a couple of seconds ago, you said-
Flair: I say a lot of things! WOO!
Vince: Right. Well, anyway, I was just thinking, what if we did a thing, where you couldn’t lose a match, because if you did, then you’d be FIRRRRRRED!
Flair: But I never win matches!
Vince: That’s the genius of this!
Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!
Randy Orton: Actually, Number Boy Ric Four, I’m the chimp! Me! The Legend Kill Guy Ranky Q. Morgan!
Flair: What have I done?!
Orton: That’s white, Missioner Four! I owe both my chocolate chip reigns to you! And now, I’ll be the gun who starts what you finished, and ends your Cartier!
Flair: Vince? I’ll do it! WOO!
Hardcore Holly, Cody Rhodes, Super Crazy and Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. The Highlanders, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
These teams…need names, man. Duggan chants “USA” in support of Super Crazy. I’d be annoyed by that, but I’m kind of floored Super Crazy is still employed. Remember when the Highlanders had their Dark Quickening and wanted a shot at the tag team titles? Yeah. Me too. That was pretty cool. Also pretty cool is Holly and Cody not really getting a continuation on their feud after Cody pinned Holly last week. I can deal with that. Anyway, they get about three minutes flat for this match, so it’s just a bunch of people running in and out of the ring until everybody’s hit a move, then Holly hits Robbie with the Alabama Slam. Well…ok, then.
Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Jeff Hardy.
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Jeff Hardy, and Jeff, I’ve got to ask you, what’s up with you and Triple H, man? You hate that guy. And with good reason, brother’s always holding you down.
Have I lost my mind,
Banging it on the glass ceiling?
Is it just a storyline,
Or Is it
Triple H: You nut job! I’m not your friend. I don’t even like you! I don’t know why we keep getting booked together except that I…accidentally…almost sold my daughter to a circus.
Grisham: How do you accidentally almost sell someone to a circus?
HHH: I don’t know, Todd. It was late and dark, and the circus people didn’t speak very good English, and there may have been some wine involved. A lot of wine. And absinthe.
Jeff: Oooh, delicious!
Grisham: I think you two would make a great tag team.
HHH: I think you should shut the hell up, Todd. I kill my tag team partners!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: It is TRUE!
Grisham: Not Jeff, though. You looooove him!
Jeff: I can see it in your eyes.
HHH: This is all preposterous!
Grisham: Not as preposterous as this!
Todd Grisham rams his head into the building’s glass ceiling. Todd Grisham has fallen. Elsewhere….
Ken Kennedy: Like most of you out there, I like DVDs. I like DVDs in the morning, the evening, and occasionally, as a light mid-afternoon snack. There’s a new DVD called Heartbreak and Triumph that’s all about Shawn Michaels, and how he’s a two bit hack who bitched his way into the main event, and then cried every time they tried to job him out. This is an excellent and empowering career guide for people like myself who can’t seem to worm their way past the 843 established main eveners here on RAW. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cry and bitch to Vince about how I deserve to be one of the cool kids. I give this DVD 5.5 out of 13.
Ric Flair: WOO! Four Horsemen, in the house!
Arn Anderson: Umm…Ric, it’s 2007. Why are you still wrestling? Why don’t you come be an agent with the rest of the Horsemen?
Flair: I’ll never retire! NEVER!
Barry Windham: Does this shirt make me look fat?
Flair: Look! It’s Ricky Steamboat! Let’s take him out!
Arn: Aw geez! RIC!
Chris Jericho: Welcome to…RAW…IS…JERICHO! And if you think I’m out here just because I need the money…You could do me a favor by buying my new book! Now available at WWE Shop Dot Com! Anyway, I thing, given that I haven’t had a match in two years, and given how I got shafted the last time I debuted on RAW, I could maybe have a title match. I mean, I know Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, and about twenty other guys are ahead of me on the depth chart, but come on. I’ve got to get a title shot this time, right? Especially since I’m dealing with “Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy.” Me want title shot, right? If…If I start doing Photoshops again, will that help my standings?
Santino Marella: Sorry-a, but no. You’re-a getting stuck-a ina the feud-a with Santino-a!
Jericho: Jesus. At least this is better than Road Dogg.
Santino: Not-a really. I just-a got done losing-a feud to the Jerry-a Lawler!
Jericho: I can see why I rushed back here.
Santino: What is-a with that nickname-a anyway? KYJ-a?
Jericho: You stole that from The Rock. That doesn’t count. What’s your name anyway? Santana? Saint George? San Bernadino? Sulu? Charlie Haas?
Santino: I’m-a Santino! I’m-a dating Maria-a!
Jericho: Well…good on you there.
Santino: And-a now, I attack-a the Lawler-a!
Santino jumps over the announce table and punches Jerry Lawler.
Chris Jericho vs. Santino Marella
Santino is sadly sans Maria. Really, this is a better pairing that Road Dogg, so Jericho can have that. Jericho with a thumb to the eye, so it’s good to see he’s been working on expanding his repertoire. That shirt and those pants are really horrible, by the way. I’m sure somebody spent all night trying to come up with a Save_Us/Matrix combo, but it seriously doesn’t work. That’s a T-Shirt that the Tron Guy would wear, though. It’s a niche market! Jericho knees Santino in the face and…Hell, why not…that’s enough for the win. Afterwards, Lawler jumps in the ring and beats on Santino while Jericho slips off to do color commentary and talk to J.R. about how glad he is to be back in the upper mid-card.
Ric Flair: That’ll show that no good Steamboat! I’m the dirtiest player WOO in the game!
Shawn Michaels: Hey, Naitch! Mind if I cut a promo for you?
Flair: To be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man! And I’m the man! WOOO!
Michaels: I’ll take that as a no. Look, Naitch, you’ve got a lot stacked against you. You’re old, not a great wrestler anymore, we can’t trust you to cut real promos because you’re ancient and insane, and to top it all off, Randy Orton has pictures of Triple H trying to sell Aurora Borealis to NewsCorp so he’ll never get fired. Hell, he’s even beaten me a few times over the past few months. What I mean to say, Ric, is that even here in Charlotte, I don’t think you’ve got a snowballs chance in winning tonight. And Naitch, if you do have to retire, which you will, I just want to know, can I have your robes? Those will go perfectly with my mirror chaps and tank tops.
Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!
Ken Kennedy vs. Brian Kendrick
Well, I mean, hey! You’re on the show, Spanky! Thanks for coming out here tonight! Surely, the story of this match is Ken Kennedy taking on Shawn Michaels’ former protégé Kendrick in order to get under Shawn’s skin, right? Right? Look, I don’t know either, ok? Anyway, Kendrick provides some token offense for about fifteen seconds before he gets punched in the throat. I’m guessing Paul London is happy he didn’t make it out now. Kennedy hits his new finish (the double-double-reverse DDT) and gets the win.
Ken Kennedy: Thirteen!
Vince McMahon: Did you see Edge making out with Vickie Guerrero the other day? Awk. Ward.
Hornswoggle: I don’t really watch Smackdown.
Vince: Can’t blame you for that. Hutthutt, my son, you’ve had a great couple weeks. I mean, you got to beat up Khali, and Coach, and you practically forced Carlito into retirement. Hell, a smarter man would book you against Ric Flair if I really wanted him retired. But I’m not a smarter man, am I?
Hornswoggle: Not really, no.
Vince: No, I’m not. That’s why I want you to get me a piping hot cup of birdseed. Right now.
Hornswoggle: Seriously? I mean…birdseed?
Vince: That’s right. A big ol’ steaming cup of delicious, low fat birdseed is just what I need right now, Hopediamond.
Hornswoggle: You really expect me to fall for that?
Vince: You’re a McMahon, so…Yes. I do.
Hornswoggle leaves. Vince pulls out a Walkie Talkie.
Vince: Papa Bear to Little Hawk, the Worm has left the Apple. Repeat. The Worm has left the apple!
In the hallway, Hornswoggle follows the “Free Birdseed Signs” into an inconspicuous locker room.
Carlito Caribbean Cool: Hey! Hellbeast! I can’t understand a word your dad is saying. What the hell does “the worm has left the apple” mean? Is Dennis Rodman in trouble?
Hornswoggle: I think it means you’re supposed to jump out from behind that potted plant and attack me.
Carlito: Oh. Right. How’d it work?
Hornswoggle: Not great. Hey, aren’t you retired?
Carlito: Freakin’ pension plan doesn’t kick in for a few more weeks.
Hornswoggle: Hey, I’ve got a great idea!
Hornswoggle grabs a paint brush, paints a door on the wall and walks through it.
Carlito: I should’ve known creatures that live under the ring have special powers! Oh well, I’ll just go through the door here and-
Carlito rams headfirst into the door and knocks himself out.
Ron Simmons: Nooooo! Why him?! He was only days from retirement! Oh, cruel winds of fate…Well…At least you got to go out like Sean Stasiak. It’s what your dad would’ve wanted. Hey, a door!
Ron opens the door and gets run over by a train. Elsewhere, Melina is waiting for the 8:15 to the ring.
Melina vs. Alexis Laree
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Women’s Title
Beth Phoenix is at ringside, ready to subpoena anyone else who defies the laws of physics and tears at the gentle fabric of reality tonight. She’s going to be rather busy. I forget if Melina ever cashed in her shot at the title for sleeping with Hornswoggle. She didn’t, right? Unless that’s what’s up for grabs in this match. That’s rather silly. Oh! Unless it’s a rolling title shot, like the Money in the Bank, so she can use it whenever she’d like. It’s like…the Prophylactic in the Bank. I’ve…I probably took that analogy a bit too far that time. Sorry. Alexis won the match, like, ten minutes ago anyway.
Backstage, Ric Flair is greeted by Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho, Brian Kendrick, WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance, Some Ducks, Dean Malenko, Tough Enough Jessie (who is crying), and The Baroness. Nice they could get everybody out here to wish him luck. He’s stopped, however, by Triple H.
Triple H: Hey, Naitch, you’re not in the market for a slightly preowned baby, are you?
Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!
Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair
If Ric Flair Loses, He Must Retire. Again. No, for Serious This Time, You Guys!
Orton’s tactic seems to be entirely composed of standing around waiting for Flair to Flop or just be so damn old that he falls over. I’m never one to praise Randy’s mental capacity, but I have to admit, it’s a viable strategy. And before you ask, no, the Spinnin’ World Title is not on the line in this match. Flair goes to work, trying to take out Randy’s knee while the crowd chants “Nai-Ture-Boy” in a slow Southern Drawl that totally doesn’t work. Not that that’s a particularly easy chant to get over anyway. Flair’s still a pretty awesome chopper though. He locks in the Figure Four, but Randy gets to the ropes. Just when it looks like Triple Naitch is out of gas and about to fall over, Chris Jericho runs out and shows Randy Orton his new T-Shirt. Orton stands aghast and Flair gets the win with a roll-up. After the match, Jericho frowns at the effectiveness of his own tactic while Orton tries to find something pretty in the crowd to cleans his shattered mind.
Next Week: Ric Flair loses to Super Crazy. Also, Chris Jericho slightly reworks his T-Shirt design so it’s slightly less…Bright blue. And Triple H and Jeff Hardy go on a camping trip!