Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Gamespot Fired Jeff Gertzman for Bad Review. So, here’s the thing. There’s this game, Kane and Lynch and apparently it really sucks. But Eidos paid out a bunch of cash to CNet for a good review. And they didn’t get it. So CNet fired Editor in Chief Jeff Gertzman. Gotta love that journalistic integrity.

2. Yahoo Killed Black Monday. One week after we predicted a slower than normal Black Monday on “The Hock Show,” Yahoo almost made it happen, failing to process orders for all 40,000 of its clients for 11 hours. Still, online shopping was up 20% on Monday.

3. Google Maps Rolls Out a Rudimentary GPS System. It’s…well…It’ll tell you what state your in. Actually, if your phone has GPS built in, it’s great, but if you’re still running on one of those brick phones? Well, you’re living in 1983. Welcome to Internet.

4. Best Buy Sent Shock Troops After Geek Squad. Apparently, even if you heard about somebody playing solitare on somebody else’s computer one time in grade school, your ass got interrogated and fired. I’d almost applaud the move by Best Buy, except…The Geek Squad still pretty much sucks. Not as bad as Firedog, but…you know.

5. Yahoo and Adobe Agree to Put Ads in PDF Files. Man…Just what I need when I open up a scientific journal online. An ad for Viagra. I mean…I guess it makes reading more fun if I can try to beat George Bush in a weightlifting course, right?

Last Week: Shawn Michaels tried and failed to help Mr. Kennedy put a DVD together. Triple H and Jeff Hardy became the best of friends for some reason. And Chris Jericho came back wrong. Who will come back…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Triple H and Jeff Hardy vs. Totally Not Jamal and Abe Orton

Best friends, I tell you! Ross starts screaming about how awesome it is that the main event is on first. I wonder how much Hunter paid him to say that.I can’t tell if I feel worse for Jeff, who’s finally getting the rub from Hunter six years too late, or Jericho, who is coming back right when Hunter decided to give the rub to Hardy. I think I feel worst for Hunter, mostly because he’s feuding with Abe. The teams battle to a draw, so while they’re taking more cards, we’ll take some time for these….

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Not Jamal and Abe Orton are in control when we come back, and they’re beating the crap out of Jeff. I wonder if Jeff will ever get the hot tag in this feud. Wouldn’t that be something. But for now, Hunter gets the tag and comes in a house afire. Not literally, though. Jeff Hardy hits some moves and Jim Ross rightly calls them all, “That flippy crap.” Then Hunter gets the PEDIGREE TO TOTALLY NOT JAMAL! That would be enough, but HHH waits for Jeff to hit the Swanton too. That was nice of him. Hunter and Hardy win! It looks like the ghost of Christmas past scared SOMEBODY!

William Regal: I’m tired of you two pretending to be friends. We all know you hate each other. That’s why you’re going to wrestle each other with all the armoires on the line at WWE Armoiregettin’!

Triple H: Not the Intercontinental Title though, right?

Regal: No, no. Don’t be silly.

HHH: Ok, cool.

Backstage…Ric Flair is showing up. Late? Not a good way to start your first day back, dude.

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And now he’s in the ring. Well, at least he’s starting quickly.

Ric Flair: WOO! CharlottebyGodNatureBoySylin’andProfilin’WOOO! I know you’re all wondering why I haven’t been on RAW much lately-

Crowd: No we’re not! You got traded to Smackdown!

Flair: That was weird how you all organized that. But yeah, I got traded to Smackdown. And I started my own business, and got married, and started to pay off my taxes, and I was a limo ridin’, jet flyin’, wheelin’ and dealin’ SON OF A GUN! WOOO! Which brings me to my next point, really my first point, which is that, I’m not going to retire! I’m NEVER going to retire! Not until I’m dead! WOO!

Crowd: That’s…uncomfortable!

Vince McMahon: Who’s out here making my crowd uncomfortable? Ric Flair, eh? Well, what are you doing out here? Retiring, I hope?

Flair: Retire me?! I’m already retired! Retire me?! I’m already retired!

Vince: But a couple of seconds ago, you said-

Flair: I say a lot of things! WOO!

Vince: Right. Well, anyway, I was just thinking, what if we did a thing, where you couldn’t lose a match, because if you did, then you’d be FIRRRRRRED!

Flair: But I never win matches!

Vince: That’s the genius of this!

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Randy Orton: Actually, Number Boy Ric Four, I’m the chimp! Me! The Legend Kill Guy Ranky Q. Morgan!

Flair: What have I done?!

Orton: That’s white, Missioner Four! I owe both my chocolate chip reigns to you! And now, I’ll be the gun who starts what you finished, and ends your Cartier!

Flair: Vince? I’ll do it! WOO!

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Hardcore Holly, Cody Rhodes, Super Crazy and Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. The Highlanders, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch

These teams…need names, man. Duggan chants “USA” in support of Super Crazy. I’d be annoyed by that, but I’m kind of floored Super Crazy is still employed. Remember when the Highlanders had their Dark Quickening and wanted a shot at the tag team titles? Yeah. Me too. That was pretty cool. Also pretty cool is Holly and Cody not really getting a continuation on their feud after Cody pinned Holly last week. I can deal with that. Anyway, they get about three minutes flat for this match, so it’s just a bunch of people running in and out of the ring until everybody’s hit a move, then Holly hits Robbie with the Alabama Slam. Well…ok, then.

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Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Jeff Hardy.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Jeff Hardy, and Jeff, I’ve got to ask you, what’s up with you and Triple H, man? You hate that guy. And with good reason, brother’s always holding you down.

Jeff Hardy:

Triple H?
My Friend?
Have I lost my mind,
Banging it on the glass ceiling?
Bang
Bang
Bang
Is it just a storyline,
Or Is it
2XTreme?

Triple H: You nut job! I’m not your friend. I don’t even like you! I don’t know why we keep getting booked together except that I…accidentally…almost sold my daughter to a circus.

Grisham: How do you accidentally almost sell someone to a circus?

HHH: I don’t know, Todd. It was late and dark, and the circus people didn’t speak very good English, and there may have been some wine involved. A lot of wine. And absinthe.

Jeff: Oooh, delicious!

Grisham: I think you two would make a great tag team.

HHH: I think you should shut the hell up, Todd. I kill my tag team partners!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: It is TRUE!

Grisham: Not Jeff, though. You looooove him!

Jeff: I can see it in your eyes.

HHH: This is all preposterous!

Grisham: Not as preposterous as this!

Todd Grisham rams his head into the building’s glass ceiling. Todd Grisham has fallen. Elsewhere….

Ken Kennedy: Like most of you out there, I like DVDs. I like DVDs in the morning, the evening, and occasionally, as a light mid-afternoon snack. There’s a new DVD called Heartbreak and Triumph that’s all about Shawn Michaels, and how he’s a two bit hack who bitched his way into the main event, and then cried every time they tried to job him out. This is an excellent and empowering career guide for people like myself who can’t seem to worm their way past the 843 established main eveners here on RAW. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cry and bitch to Vince about how I deserve to be one of the cool kids. I give this DVD 5.5 out of 13.

(ads)

Backstage…

Ric Flair: WOO! Four Horsemen, in the house!

Arn Anderson: Umm…Ric, it’s 2007. Why are you still wrestling? Why don’t you come be an agent with the rest of the Horsemen?

Flair: I’ll never retire! NEVER!

Barry Windham: Does this shirt make me look fat?

Arn: Yes.

Flair: Look! It’s Ricky Steamboat! Let’s take him out!

Arn: Aw geez! RIC!

Meanwhile….

Chris Jericho: Welcome to…RAW…IS…JERICHO! And if you think I’m out here just because I need the money…You could do me a favor by buying my new book! Now available at WWE Shop Dot Com! Anyway, I thing, given that I haven’t had a match in two years, and given how I got shafted the last time I debuted on RAW, I could maybe have a title match. I mean, I know Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, and about twenty other guys are ahead of me on the depth chart, but come on. I’ve got to get a title shot this time, right? Especially since I’m dealing with “Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy.” Me want title shot, right? If…If I start doing Photoshops again, will that help my standings?

Santino Marella: Sorry-a, but no. You’re-a getting stuck-a ina the feud-a with Santino-a!

Jericho: Jesus. At least this is better than Road Dogg.

Santino: Not-a really. I just-a got done losing-a feud to the Jerry-a Lawler!

Jericho: I can see why I rushed back here.

Santino: What is-a with that nickname-a anyway? KYJ-a?

Jericho: You stole that from The Rock. That doesn’t count. What’s your name anyway? Santana? Saint George? San Bernadino? Sulu? Charlie Haas?

Santino: I’m-a Santino! I’m-a dating Maria-a!

Jericho: Well…good on you there.

Santino: And-a now, I attack-a the Lawler-a!

Santino jumps over the announce table and punches Jerry Lawler.

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Chris Jericho vs. Santino Marella

Santino is sadly sans Maria. Really, this is a better pairing that Road Dogg, so Jericho can have that. Jericho with a thumb to the eye, so it’s good to see he’s been working on expanding his repertoire. That shirt and those pants are really horrible, by the way. I’m sure somebody spent all night trying to come up with a Save_Us/Matrix combo, but it seriously doesn’t work. That’s a T-Shirt that the Tron Guy would wear, though. It’s a niche market! Jericho knees Santino in the face and…Hell, why not…that’s enough for the win. Afterwards, Lawler jumps in the ring and beats on Santino while Jericho slips off to do color commentary and talk to J.R. about how glad he is to be back in the upper mid-card.

Backstage….

Ric Flair: That’ll show that no good Steamboat! I’m the dirtiest player WOO in the game!

Shawn Michaels: Hey, Naitch! Mind if I cut a promo for you?

Flair: To be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man! And I’m the man! WOOO!

Michaels: I’ll take that as a no. Look, Naitch, you’ve got a lot stacked against you. You’re old, not a great wrestler anymore, we can’t trust you to cut real promos because you’re ancient and insane, and to top it all off, Randy Orton has pictures of Triple H trying to sell Aurora Borealis to NewsCorp so he’ll never get fired. Hell, he’s even beaten me a few times over the past few months. What I mean to say, Ric, is that even here in Charlotte, I don’t think you’ve got a snowballs chance in winning tonight. And Naitch, if you do have to retire, which you will, I just want to know, can I have your robes? Those will go perfectly with my mirror chaps and tank tops.

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Michaels: Awesome.

(ads)

Ken Kennedy vs. Brian Kendrick

Well, I mean, hey! You’re on the show, Spanky! Thanks for coming out here tonight! Surely, the story of this match is Ken Kennedy taking on Shawn Michaels’ former protégé Kendrick in order to get under Shawn’s skin, right? Right? Look, I don’t know either, ok? Anyway, Kendrick provides some token offense for about fifteen seconds before he gets punched in the throat. I’m guessing Paul London is happy he didn’t make it out now. Kennedy hits his new finish (the double-double-reverse DDT) and gets the win.

Ken Kennedy: Thirteen!

(ads)

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Did you see Edge making out with Vickie Guerrero the other day? Awk. Ward.

Hornswoggle: I don’t really watch Smackdown.

Vince: Can’t blame you for that. Hutthutt, my son, you’ve had a great couple weeks. I mean, you got to beat up Khali, and Coach, and you practically forced Carlito into retirement. Hell, a smarter man would book you against Ric Flair if I really wanted him retired. But I’m not a smarter man, am I?

Hornswoggle: Not really, no.

Vince: No, I’m not. That’s why I want you to get me a piping hot cup of birdseed. Right now.

Hornswoggle: Seriously? I mean…birdseed?

Vince: That’s right. A big ol’ steaming cup of delicious, low fat birdseed is just what I need right now, Hopediamond.

Hornswoggle: You really expect me to fall for that?

Vince: You’re a McMahon, so…Yes. I do.

Hornswoggle leaves. Vince pulls out a Walkie Talkie.

Vince: Papa Bear to Little Hawk, the Worm has left the Apple. Repeat. The Worm has left the apple!

In the hallway, Hornswoggle follows the “Free Birdseed Signs” into an inconspicuous locker room.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Hey! Hellbeast! I can’t understand a word your dad is saying. What the hell does “the worm has left the apple” mean? Is Dennis Rodman in trouble?

Hornswoggle: I think it means you’re supposed to jump out from behind that potted plant and attack me.

Carlito: Oh. Right. How’d it work?

Hornswoggle: Not great. Hey, aren’t you retired?

Carlito: Freakin’ pension plan doesn’t kick in for a few more weeks.

Hornswoggle: Hey, I’ve got a great idea!

Hornswoggle grabs a paint brush, paints a door on the wall and walks through it.

Carlito: I should’ve known creatures that live under the ring have special powers! Oh well, I’ll just go through the door here and-

Carlito rams headfirst into the door and knocks himself out.

Ron Simmons: Nooooo! Why him?! He was only days from retirement! Oh, cruel winds of fate…Well…At least you got to go out like Sean Stasiak. It’s what your dad would’ve wanted. Hey, a door!

Ron opens the door and gets run over by a train. Elsewhere, Melina is waiting for the 8:15 to the ring.

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Melina vs. Alexis Laree
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Women’s Title

Beth Phoenix is at ringside, ready to subpoena anyone else who defies the laws of physics and tears at the gentle fabric of reality tonight. She’s going to be rather busy. I forget if Melina ever cashed in her shot at the title for sleeping with Hornswoggle. She didn’t, right? Unless that’s what’s up for grabs in this match. That’s rather silly. Oh! Unless it’s a rolling title shot, like the Money in the Bank, so she can use it whenever she’d like. It’s like…the Prophylactic in the Bank. I’ve…I probably took that analogy a bit too far that time. Sorry. Alexis won the match, like, ten minutes ago anyway.

Backstage, Ric Flair is greeted by Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho, Brian Kendrick, WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance, Some Ducks, Dean Malenko, Tough Enough Jessie (who is crying), and The Baroness. Nice they could get everybody out here to wish him luck. He’s stopped, however, by Triple H.

Triple H: Hey, Naitch, you’re not in the market for a slightly preowned baby, are you?

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

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Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair
If Ric Flair Loses, He Must Retire. Again. No, for Serious This Time, You Guys!

Orton’s tactic seems to be entirely composed of standing around waiting for Flair to Flop or just be so damn old that he falls over. I’m never one to praise Randy’s mental capacity, but I have to admit, it’s a viable strategy. And before you ask, no, the Spinnin’ World Title is not on the line in this match. Flair goes to work, trying to take out Randy’s knee while the crowd chants “Nai-Ture-Boy” in a slow Southern Drawl that totally doesn’t work. Not that that’s a particularly easy chant to get over anyway. Flair’s still a pretty awesome chopper though. He locks in the Figure Four, but Randy gets to the ropes. Just when it looks like Triple Naitch is out of gas and about to fall over, Chris Jericho runs out and shows Randy Orton his new T-Shirt. Orton stands aghast and Flair gets the win with a roll-up. After the match, Jericho frowns at the effectiveness of his own tactic while Orton tries to find something pretty in the crowd to cleans his shattered mind.

Next Week: Ric Flair loses to Super Crazy. Also, Chris Jericho slightly reworks his T-Shirt design so it’s slightly less…Bright blue. And Triple H and Jeff Hardy go on a camping trip!

I know I’m a day late, but Three Robots was a day early.

Whatever, just check out the new WoW Commercial featuring Bill Shater who “Is…aShaman.”

I actually love the new spots. I don’t know if it’s WoW becoming more “mainstream” or whatever, but they’re actually really funny.

1. New England Patriots: The Patriots are finally showing some signs of weakness. Philly had them dead to rights, and a better team might’ve been able to finish them off. They’ve still got a few games this season, plenty enough time to shake Tom Brady up. Last Week: 1

2. Dallas Cowboys: It’s not saying much when you beat the Jets, really. But the Cowboys dominated in such a fashion that you have to believe that the Cowboys are still the team to beat in the NFC. This week’s game against the Packers will give them a chance to prove it. Last Week: 2

3. Green Bay Packers: Old Man Bret and the Pack continued their roll this week, beating Detroit in a game that really wasn’t as close as the box score shows. Bret had one of his best days as a QB in years, and Green Bay can really prove something if they can beat Dallas. Last Week: 3

4. Pittsburgh Steelers: Well…I guess it’s *something* to be able to say that you were involved in the worst Monday Night Football game in history. Seriously, only getting three points on Miami is nothing to be proud of, but doing it knee deep mud when those were the only points scored is kind of fun. Last Week: 5

5. Indianapolis Colts: Indy finally put up some offense Thursday, but there are too many cracks in the armor now. They’re not in any danger of missing the playoffs this year, but they’re definitely not going very far unless they really put things together and now. Last Week: 6

6. Jacksonville Jaguars: The team currently nipping at Indy’s heels. Jacksonville is a good, but not great team that has put itself in great position to win a few more big games. It’s too dicey to pick them every week, but their wins are no surprise. Last Week: 7

7. Cleveland Browns: Brady Quinn Watch: Brady is excited to be a part of this Browns offense that’s playing so well. He knows the only reason that Cleveland is looking at the Playoffs this year is because there is not a better, more courageous clip board holder than Brady Quinn. Last Week: 8

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jeff Garcia is kind of like the extremely poor man’s Bret Favre. The only difference is that Favre is playing on a pretty good team this year, and Garcia is still playing for the Bucs. Will they make the Playoffs? Yes. Will it be pretty? Hell no. Last Week: 9

9. Seattle Seahawks: Inexplicably? They’re still in first place in the NFC West. Somehow they managed to beat the really awful Rams on Sunday, and it looks like they’re on their way to the Playoffs. This redefines limping into the Playoffs though. More like…Dragging yourself in there. Last Week 16

10. New York Giants: Oh, Eli…He has one of these games every year. It looks like he’s finally turned the corner and the Giants are going to compete, and then….meldown. Four picks, three returned for touchdowns. They weren’t all his fault, but being Eli Manning is still his fault. Last Week: 4

11. San Diego Chargers: Like Seattle, the Chargers have the “honor” of being in first place in one of the worst divisions in football. Winning is no guarantee like it was last year, but the Chargers are finally starting to play football. Last Week: 12

12. Detroit Lions: Another big game for Detroit, another big disappointment. It seems like any time the franchise is in position to control its own destiny they screw it up somehow. They’re gradually slipping down the standings, but they’re still well in it. Last Week: 13

13. Denver Broncos: Jay Cutler managed to look sharp at times last week, but ultimately, the Broncos couldn’t pull it out against the Bears. It wasn’t even kicking to Devin Hester that did them in. It was just not being very good. Last Week: 10

14. Tennessee Titans: While Detroit is slowly unraveling, the Titans are doing it rather fast. They looked like a sure thing earlier this year, but they’ve been awful the past few weeks. Luckily for them, most of the rest of the NFL has been even more awful. Last Week: 11

15. Philadelphia Eagles: Missed it by *that* much. The Eagles provided the blueprint for getting pressure on Tom Brady, but couldn’t put the Pats away, much to the dismay of the rest of the country. Clearly, however, they don’t need Donovan McNabb. Last Week: 19

16. Houston Texans: They may have lost on Sunday, but it doesn’t take anything away from what Houston has accomplished this year. Long the weird younger failure of a younger brother to the rest of the NFL, the Texans have finally put themselves in a position to win more than a couple games in a year. Last Week: 15

17. Chicago Bears: Sexy Rexy couldn’t get it done, but Devin Hester went absolutely nuts. I don’t think anybody believes he can actually keep this up, but for whatever it’s worth, right now he’s awesome. Last Week: 24

18. Minnesota Vikings: You know things are going well when Tavaris Jackson actually looks like a pretty good quarterback. The Vikings defense scored three touchdowns by themselves, but the rest of the Vikings looked competent as well. With Adrian Peterson returning, the Playoffs are not out of the question. Last Week: 25

19 New Orleans Saints: The Saints got a nice blowout win over the struggling Panthers this week. New Orleans is going to struggle to get back into things for the rest of the year, but you know what? They just might have an outside shot at the Playoffs yet. Last Week: 20

20. Buffalo Bills: After one of the more promising runs in the past couple years, the Bills are back to playing for pride. They’ve got a shot at a Wild Card spot, but with Trent Edwards coming back in to start next week, the Bills are thinking future more than anything else. Last Week: 15

21. Arizona Cardinals: It says something about the Cardinals as an organization when they had a chance to catch Seattle and the Seahawks won and the Cardinals lost. They haven’t ever played in many big games, and…that’s why. Last Week: 18

22. Washington Redskins: Say something nice…say something nice…um…No comment? Last Week: 17

23. Kansas City Chiefs: Another loss for the former AFC West leaders, and they’re not getting any easier. The Chiefs are still showing flashes of potential, however. On the plus side, they no longer have to shell out for Priest Holmes’ hover round. Last Week: 24

24. Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals finally played like everyone assumed they could on Sunday. Three touchdowns to Chad Johnson and a defense that played competently, if not well. It’s too little, too late for them, of course, but something is better than nothing at this point. Last Week: 26

25. Baltimore Ravens: Kind of indicative of how things are going in the NFL this year, one of the league’s best teams from last year is a complete flop this year. Baltimore’s defense just looks old, and their offense is incompetent. It might finally be time to start over. Last Week: 22

26. Carolina Panthers: This is a team completely without identity. Their primary backup, David Carr plays like he’s always about to get sacked (to be fair, he usually is), and he’s the only quarterback who seems to have a hard time finding Steve Smith. Last Week: 23

27. Saint Louis Rams: The Rams’ two game winning streak was finally snapped. They looked pretty good at times against Seattle, but only as good as a team with no quarterback, no offensive line, aging receivers, and an overused running back can. Last Week: 29

28. Oakland Raiders: The Raiders won, but the season still isn’t pretty. They’re clearly not as bad as they were last year, but there are a lot of questions that still haven’t been resolved. First and foremost is, who is the starting quarterback of the Oakland Raiders? Last Week: 29

29. San Francisco 49ers: Finally, they played the game people expected them to be capable of all season. Unfortunately, they did it against the Cardinals again, and they did it about seven weeks too late for it to mean anything. Still…A for Effort. Last Week: 31

30. New York Jets: They lost again, and now all Jets fans have to look forward to is how their team is going to screw up another high draft pick. At least Kellen Clemmons is learning under fire, though, right? Last Week: 27

31. Atlanta Falcons: Last week, I called the Falcons out for starting the horrible Byron Leftwich over the boring, but efficient Joey Harrington. This week? Harrington looked awful. My bad, guys. Still, you should’ve had this franchise quarterback thing locked up before the season…Wait…never mind. Last Week: 30

32. Miami Dolphins: Woe is the team that plays on a slip and slide and manages to lose a game 3-0. There’s nothing to look forward to for this year’s Dolphins. I will say though, that it would be sweet justice if their only win this year came against New England. Five weeks to go! Last Week: 32

This was one of my favorite games when I was a kid. No idea why, looking back on it, but Dan’s favorite Video Game Webshow, The Angry Internet Nerd has nothing good to say about it.

Yes it sucked. Yes it was impossible. Yes, I spent about three years worth of my life trying to beat it instead of doing something productive, but…wait…where was I going with this?

Whatever. Enjoy the YouTube!

Last Night: Edge returned and immediately bailed out on his friendship with Randy Orton. Speaking of that strapping young lad, Mr. Orton defeated Shawn Michaels when Shawn was disqualified for dropping a Benoit reference in the middle of a match. Also Triple H let Jeff Hardy win a match because he’s totally giving and compassionate.

Somewhere…Some guy is running. That’s pretty awesome.

(Opening Credits)

Shawn Michaels prances out to the ring. He’s got a DVD coming out, you know.

Shawn Michaels: I know what you’re all thinking, but I’m not out here to talk about my DVD tonight. Essentially, I figure my very appearance will do enough for that. Instead, I’d like to congratulate Rand Orton. Locking in the Crippler Crossface was probably not the best move of my illustrious career, which is chronicled in Heartbreak and Triumph the new DVD available at the WWE Shop website. So Randy, come on down here so I can shake your hand.

Orton appears on the Titantron.

Randy Orton: Shane McMahon! You may think I’m drum, but I knower that if I go to that verily wing, you will just Supper Chick me right in the faze! Just like every otter times!

Shawn Michaels: Woe is the day I’m outsmarted by Randy Orton.

Orton: Yes, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, am much smarterer than the advantage bore!

Michaels: You can say that again! And that runner guy, running the torch from Miami to Fort Lauderdale? In less than two hours? Brilliant strategy!

Orton: I worked out the logtastics of that myself!

Ken Kennedy comes out to the ring.

Ken Kennedy: And while Randy Orton may be forever known as the biggest idiot ever to appear on a pro wrestling show, you, Shawn Michaels will be forever remembered for losing a bunch of matches.

Michaels: Many of which can be seen on my new DVD!

Kennedy: The one available next week on WWE Shop?

Michaels: That’s the one!

Kennedy: I need to lose some more matches to put on my future DVD!

Michaels: I’ll help you fix that!

William Regal: Let it be written! Shawn Michaels vs. Ken Kennedy tonight, to help Mr. Kennedy fill out some DVD listings in the future!

Kennedy: DVD!

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Ken Kennedy vs. Shawn Michaels

They’re fighting outside the ring to start so the match hasn’t even started yet. Shawn rams Kennedy’s head into the announce table, which is pretty neat. Maybe they can use it in the intro to his DVD. Mr. Kennedy: I Got Hit In the Head. Kennedy goes out and grabs a chair, and Shawn Superkicks it back into his face. Well…ok then. That’s an inauspicious start to this feud, isn’t it? Shawn prances away, so Ken didn’t even get a chance to lose this match. Poor guy.

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Santino Marella vs. Jerry “” Lawler

This is, of course, a continuation of the feud from last week. Lawler is wearing his “Ring Gear” this week, which is different from normal mostly insofar as that his ring gear is more bedazzled. Santino dominates Lawler for most of the match, so he decides to sit down next to J.R. and provide some color. Notably that Jerry is being beaten, “Like-a the government mud-a pie!” and “At least I’m-a better than-a Lita!” When Santino comes back into the ring, however, Lawler hits him with a roll-up. That’s his move! Lawler is too tired to celebrate after the match and he falls over. ORTON WINS!

Randy Orton: I totally killered the Legend of whomever those two guides were! Now for an RKO Updraft, here’s my run man!

Elsewhere….

Randy Orton’s Run Man: Umm…Am I seriously supposed to run to Miami in two hours? You guys are nuts. I’m stopping for pizza.

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Randy Orton’s Run Man is in line at Pizza Hut.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Ken Kennedy.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Ken Kennedy, and Ken, I’ve got to ask you, what’s the deal with going out there tonight? Surely you realized that it was going to end with you getting kicked in the face?

Kennedy: Todd, pure and simple, it was all about showing Shawn Michaels a little respect and getting a good clip for my DVD reel.

Grisham: But you didn’t show Shawn any respect, you getting kicked in the face won’t really work for your DVD, and what makes you think you’ve done enough whatever it is you do to get a DVD anyway?

Kennedy: Todd, I don’t like to get myself bogged down in “reality,” ok? So, I’d prefer it if you don’t make fun of my master plan on national TV.

Grisham: Fine. Whatever. Go ahead and cut your promo about Father Time or whatever you wanted to talk about tonight.

Kennedy: Nah. I’ve got to come up with something more DVD worthy now. I’m going to go grab some pumpkin pie and dream up some Extras.

Grisham: Oh, I’ve got a DVD Extra for you!

Todd Grisham grabs a DVD and uses it to slice himself in two. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Kennedy: EXTRAS!

Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: So what part of Survivor Series did you guys like best?

William Regal: The fact that I got paid to be there and didn’t have to pay to watch it?

Jonathan Coachman: My favorite part was the meatloaf in catering.

Vince: So you all didn’t enjoy The Great Khali and his match with my son Hurley?

Regal: Not really, no.

Coach: That was pretty much the worst thing of the night.

Regal: Except when Finlay came out! Way to get continuity all over yourself, Mr. McMahon!

Coach: Yeah, good thing those writers went on strike or that never would have happened!

Vince: Well…I liked the match. *sigh*

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Vince: Do you still work here?

Coach: This segment is for big people. You go back to Internet Heat.

Carlito: Aww, come on! I’m growing my hair out again! I’m down!

Vince: Fine. Then you can wrestle and lose to Hedgwig tonight!

Carlito: Whatever keeps me employed at this point!

Regal: I take that back. My favorite part of Survivor Series was when Shawn Michaels Superkicked Shaq.

Coach: That didn’t happen.

Regal: Oh. Never mind then.

Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy is walking to the ring. Good for him!

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Jeff Hardy vs. Totally Not Jamal

This is not for the Intercontinental Title, lest we drag that belt into this particular feud. The basis match stems from Not Jamal being super pissed that Triple H didn’t even care enough to make the pin himself last night, leaving Jeff to clean up his scraps. Jeff is in his Peroxwhy?gen T-Shirt, getting ready for their big RAW debut tonight when the Save_Us countdown runs out. I really hope the countdown runs out, and it just starts another countdown. Crack that code, bitches! The story of the match so far is Not Jamal throwing Jeff around.

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When we come back, Not Jamal is throwing Jeff Hardy around. Well…points for variety. Not Jamal locks in the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Booyah. Next up he’s going to try the Mind Meld. Then he’ll start blathering to everyone backstage about Imagi in Samoan. If that wasn’t so close to what actually happened with Suga Rosey and The Hurricane, I’d actually think that’d be pretty awesome. Abe Orton runs out to put a premature end to this match. He and Not Jamal beat up Jeff for a few minutes, but Triple H runs down for the save. Oh My God. Did Hunter and Stephanie break up? He’s not seriously tagging with Jeff to feud with Abe Orton, is he? Hahahaha. Awesome. Feud of the year!

The torch run guy is enjoying a slice of sausage.

Save_Us! Right this instant, young man!

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Backstage….

Triple H: Aren’t you going to say thanks?

Jeff Hardy: You’re the reason I look and act the way I do.

HHH: Ouch, man. That hurts. Now where’s Todd Grisham so I can make fun of him?

Hardy: He died earlier.

HHH: Oh. Darn. I was going to make fun of him for trying to pick up that Transvestite.

Hardy: You mean Chyna?

HHH: I’m really going to regret saving you, aren’t I?

Hardy: No, you’re really going to regret trying to get Stephanie to sell Aurora Borealis to that circus. Teaming with me is just the icing on the cake.

HHH: Shouldn’t you be building a volcano and writing awful poetry right now? And shouldn’t I be saying how I’m a big badass?

Hardy: Just let me have my moment.

Hardcore Holly vs. Cody Rhodes

Oh, you two. Can’t you just learn to love? The action is back and forth for literally twelve or thirteen amazing seconds before Hardcore Holly hits a dropkick on Cody. He goes for the Alabama Slam, but Cody blocks it and rolls Holly up for the win. Well, I’m glad that feud went as long as it did. After the match, Cody is pissed because the crowd is cheering him. Beating up Bob Holly is no way to turn heel, kid. Cody is so overcome with grief that he passes out and falls over. Orton wins!!

Randy Orton: Take that again, Corky Romano! Now, let us checker in to my Torch Run Guy to see how close he is to San Peppermill!

The run guy is enjoying a refreshing drink of soda. Meanwhile, Bob Holly can’t believe he lost, so he passes out too. Orton wins again!

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Here’s a Randy Orton Tribute Package. HEY!

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Well…I mean…I liked Survivor Series.

Fit Finlay: Me too.

Vince: You don’t belong on this show!

Finlay: Yeah. I sorta got hammered and forgot what day it was.

Vince: I get that. I’m drunk too. So why did you interfere in Househlaluu’s match last night?

Finlay: Do you really have to ask? I was so drunk I thought it was few months ago.

Vince: That actually…Makes sense. Yeah. So, hey, I’m Irish too. Do you want to be friends?

Finlay: Not really, no.

Vince: What is with you people?

Backstage, Alexis Laree is giving kilt making advice to Maria.

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Ric Flair is coming back next week, no doubt to let us know that he’s already fired.

In the ring….

Jillian Hall: Hey Yo, Boston!

Crowd: Close enough!

Jillian: I hear Jon Secada is in the audience tonight.

And so he is! That’s…I don’t really put two and two together there, you know?

Jillian: Are you having a good time, Jon?

Jon Secada: Not really, no.

Jillian: But you’re here to support Lillian and her new album, right?

Secada: Who?

Jillian: Lillian? Garcia? You sang on her new album?

Secada: I did? Geez. Remind me to call my agent.

Jillian: Would you like to hear me sing?

Secada: Actually, I’m just here to get RKOd.

Randy Orton: Sorry, Jim Sorgi, you’re not annul of a Lemon for me to Legend Kill.

Secada: I hate you all.

Jillian: Ice Ice Baaaaabyyy!

Jillian Hall and Melina vs. Alexis Laree and Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella)

Jillian starts randomly running at things and eventually knocks everybody including Melina out, and then she jumps off the top rope and lands on her head. Well…Right then. That was pretty cool. Maria runs off to chase Jon Secada out of the show, so it’s down to Alexis versus Jillian in the ring. Jillian tries some other moves, but none of them really work, so Alexis just puts her out of her misery by making out with her. Alexis wins! This is the women’s match of the year.

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Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Hornswoggle
No DQ

Carlito is extremely happy that this match is no DQ, because now he can explain away the loss he’s sure to suffer here tonight. He chases Hornswoggle around the ring for a bit, but ends up getting doused with a bucket of water. Thank God for Hornswoggle bringing back the Looney Tunes spots. I can’t wait for the inevitable Midget Season promo with Shane. Carlito goes for the world’s li’lest backcracker, but Finlay runs out and clubs him over the head with a shillelagh. WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda calls for the DQ. But I thought this was…You know, never mind. I don’t care. After the match, Hornswoggle spits potato at Carlito. Back to Internet Heat with you!

The Run Guy is in the bathroom.

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In the ring….

Randy Orton: It’s time to start what I finished earlier here tonight, when I set my run guy out from Myanmar to Saint Prussiaberg. Some of you said it couldn’t be donered in an hour, and you were white! It couldn’t not! That’s why I had the forth sight and the obscurational powder to spike the run guy’s drink with a fourth years old can of Stalker 2 YJStinker! He should be arriving to the billing any minute. Then he will pass that PWTouch to me so I can be declaridated the best WUV Champagne of all times!

Sure enough, the runner sips his Dr. Pepper, gags at the taste of four year old energy drink, and is whisked away by a swarm of bees. Once he arrives at the arena, however, he is immediately gored by Mantaur, who has come to Save the WWE. Mantaur is immediately mobbed by the members of Peroxwhy?gen, minus Shannon Moore who couldn’t get the day off from kickball. Peroxwhy?gen starts to head to the ring to play their big set when they are accidentally run over by a golf cart wielding Nattie Neidhart who can’t see through her mask. Honkey Tonk Man appears from behind a curtain, because, hey why not, but he’s taken out by The Shockmaster breaking the wall down behind him. Rob Van Dam delivers a flying kick to Shockmaster for breaking down the wall. RVD figures he might as well save the WWE whilst he’s at it, but he gets mowed down by Friar Ferguson who figures that if anybody is going to be doing any saving around here, it should be him. The good Friar almost makes it all the way out on stage, but he’s interrupted by Sid who figured that this all must be referring to his impending return. Unfortunately, Sid breaks his leg on the way to the ramp, so the WWE had to go with their back up plan.

Did you break the code? And if not, did you at least get your secret decoder ring? Those things are fantastic.

Chris Jericho: Welcome to…RAW is JERICHO!

Crowd: Wait…what?

Randy Orton: I call shillelaghgans! Chris Jericho has long hair and a less wormanly psychic!

Jericho: But…but…I’m the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah!

Orton: I don’t care what kind of sold phones you have!

Crowd: Nice wallet chain, Skippy!

Jericho: I’m here to save the WWE! From Randy Orton!

Crowd: Ok…YAY!

Jericho: I mean, it’s me! I’m Chris Jericho! The first undisputed champion and the second coming of Y2J!

Orton: 1877 called and it wants its catfish back! Besides, didn’t Erin Bitchoff fire you?

Jericho: Well, yes. But now my band broke up, I lost my radio deal, and that Sci-Fi Channel movie and play never went anywhere. So I’m BACK, baby! And this will be the WWE run that you never…Eeeeeeeeeeeeeever, forget…AGAYN!

Orton: Whom are you agayn?

Next Week: Triple H and Jeff Hardy take couples counseling from Bob Holly and Cody Rhodes. A Celebrity guest appearance by Fabio. And Chris Jericho and Randy Orton get in a catfight over the last shiny vest in wardrobe.

Last Week: Hell…I don’t remember. Like, fifteen people tried to join DX but then they all got crushed when the DX Bus exploded. The writers went on strike, which meant that everybody got to write their own script. And Totally Not Jamal found a new best friend in Randy Orton. Who will be his new best friend…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Whoa, it’s “Dave” Batista “Davidson”! Back from the dead (or possibly Smackdown!). What’s the haps, Dave?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: It is good to be on TELEVISION! William Regal told me to come to RAW! I hope I see my best friend HUNTER! I am really looking forward to SUNDAY! I get to wrestle in a CAGE! Where weapons are not only allowed they are my FAVORITE! I also like RABBITS! And some small LIZARDS!

William Regal: Will you get to the point, already?

Batista: I like your HAIR!

Regal: Oh, well, thank you! Right…uh…what’d I come out here to announce again?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” and The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch

Oooh, tough break facing off against the World Champion and the immortal zombie forever searching the world for its voice. If he really wants to find Taker’s Voice, he should come on wing night. There’s no doubt the Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker loves him some spicy chicken wings. Anyway, Cade and Murdoch may be the tag team champions but…wait…are they? Really? Wow. Right, well, whatever. So Dave hits the Osprey Bomb and the Body of Taker hits Murdoch over the head with a tombstone, and that’s enough for this one.

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Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) vs. Beth Phoenix
For the WWE Women’s Title

Beth looks like she hasn’t had a good legal rampage in a long time. I’m just saying. And is it me or is she slowly fusing the DNA of Jillian Hall and Molly Holly right there inside her body? She’s like a weird science experiment. I’ll leave all the “I’d probe it” jokes to you guys, because, quite frankly, she kind of scares me. And I don’t think it’s her overacting or her man jaw. Beth just goes ahead and throws Maria through the ceiling. At least she has a good sense of time about her.

Santino Marella stalks down to the ring. Nice of you to make it, dude.

Santino Marella: Thank-a you! It’s-a nice to be here-a! I’m-a ticked off-a because last-a week, I got-a the beer bath-a from Stone-a Cold Steve-a Austin and I don’t-a like all the carbs in-a the beer!

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): L’il help here?

Marella: I don’t-a have time for that-a! I’ve-a got to insult-a Jim Ross-a! How-a dare you be-a so fat and out-a of shape-a?! And you-a go on this-a show and you talk-a about Puppies-a and ignore-a the women’s matches-a?!

Jim Ross: I believe you’re thinking of Jerry Lawler.

Marella: The telethon-a guy?

Jerry Lawler: Save a boob today folks! Dial 1-800-5-PUPPIES!!!

Marella: A worthy-a cause if I ever-a heard one-a!

Then, Lawler punches Santino. Must be time for our Yearly Announcer Feud (brought to you by Sprint).

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Backstage….

Todd Grisham: I don’t get it. What the hell are all these Smackdown people doing here? And why is the Undertaker’s body on the show, but not his voice?

Santino Marella: Who the hell-a do I look-a like? Some-a kind of gypsy-a? I can’t-a tell you-a why things-a happen around-a here, Todd! Some-a times they just-a do!

Grisham: Like you ending up in a feud with a 80 year old man that you’ll somehow manage to lose?

Marella: Exactly like-a that! Hey, wait-a! I’ma not goona lose-a to no Jerry Lawler-a!

Grisham: Whatever you say, champ. Hey, I think I might know who can solve my conundrum.

Marella: Yes, I’ma gonna beat Jerry Lawler-a like that guy from-a Taxi! Danny-a Devito!

Apparently, last week, William Regal and Randy Orton had the following discussion:

Randy Orton: Billion Weebles?! Billion Weebles!

William Regal: Oh, yes. This should be pleasant.

Orton: I’ve been getting kickered in the faze a lot largely, and I was thinkening that this was not being very gourd for my menial health!

Regal: Clearly not.

Orton: So what if we start what we finished, Mr. Weeble, and made Shane McMahon not kick me in the head with his patterned Super Kid at the Surprise or Series Pay Per Dude?

Regal: I’m sure at least…parts…of that last sentence can be arranged. But, in exchange, you must promise not to get yourself disqualified, or I’ll have to strip you of that Spinin’ World Title!

Orton: I love you Conditioner Weeble!

Regal: Yes, yes.

Meanwhile, in the here and now, Matt Hardy is standing around backstage. Can’t he do that at his own show?

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Survivor Series Memories: The Gobbledy Gooker adds to the Guerrero Family Legacy.

The Hardy Boyz and Rey Misterio vs. Mister Kennedy, Montel Vontavious Porter and Fit Finlay

Well, this is dumb. I don’t even know who half these people are. I do have to admit that the heel time kind of rocks though. How pissed do you suppose Jericho is that he’s missing THIS hot action for another week? He’s missing being a part of Team Flippy! I guess all these guys are in a Survivor Series match against each other, which makes this match make a lot more sense. The team is captained by Triple H, so suddenly I’m thinking Jericho probably isn’t missing much. Except Hunter looking agape and saying, “You got HOW much smaller?”

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Suprisingly, the match is still going on after the break. Of course, it’s not that surprising, but just once I’d like WWE to pull that and be all, “Oh, and during the break, Jeff Hardy beat Finlay. Thanks for watching!” Remember when the Hardy Boyz were teaming again for “One Night Only”? And then they ended up every night for like, four months? I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’ve been too swamped with work and sick to do Satires for two weeks and now I’m trying to pump out two in one day, but you all are getting the Idiosyncrasies of WWE Booking lesson from me this week. Sorry. Misterio hits MVP with the 619 and Jeff hits the Swanton for the win, thus saving everybody’s feuds for December sweeps.

Backstage, Vince McMahon is wandering around. Dammit, Vince! You’ve been doing this for longer than anybody! Learn your arena layouts!

Save_Us? Break_The_Walls? What could it mean?

Shockmaster: Only one thing, baby!

Rob Van Dam: Duuude, I retired from wall building though.

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Now, back to the ring.

Vince McMahon: It is my honor and privilege to moderate this…erm…Debate tonight, between Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels, gentlemen, thank you for coming out here tonight.

Randy Orton: Psst! Shane!

Shawn Michaels: I can only assume that by “Shane” you mean me. What do you want?

Orton: Don’t get me throng, I really appropriate you bringing me here tonight on our debate, but why is Vance here too?

Shawn: Randy, every time I hear you talk, the fact that I’ve lost to you as many times as I have makes me die a little on the inside.

Orton: That’s not a terry good pitch-up line, Shane.

Vince: This is what you get for yelling at me.

Shawn: So I can’t use the Superkick, huh, Randy? I guess maybe I’ll have to go for another move! The Teardrop Suplex, maybe! Oh, or how about a submission hold! I don’t know any of those, do I? Like say…The Sharpshooter? That’s a good submission hold, right?

Orton: That’s a little badger. Try askering me what my sigh is! Or tell me that if you could disarray the alphabits, you would tell Stu and Ice to gather!

Shawn: Umm…Touche?

Vince: Orton Wins!

After the…match…Randy attacks the still befuddled HBK. He goes for the kick to the head, but Vince tells him to save that for a PPV that means something, so he settles for gently tapping Michaels on the shoulder, which sends the already woozy Shawn down. Orton wins again!

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Layla El, Jillian Hall and Melina vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly, Michelle McCool and Alexis Laree

Another Survivor Series preview! And at least they go tall the girls who know how to wrestle in this match! In case you’re not up on the latest net gossip, Brooke Brookington was fired because nobody knew who she was, so the Kelly/Layla feud is now for 100% control of The Miz’ contract. I could’ve sworn that somebody would have to pull that out of Trishelle’s cold dead hands. I don’t even know what that means. I’m sorry. The finish of the match is Alexis totally making out with Layla and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan spontaneously combusting.

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Survivor Series Series Memoires: 1997, the year Goldust turned on Vader.

Backstage, Abe Orton is waxing his eyebrows.

Jerry “” Lawler vs. Santino Marella

Lawler is wrestling in his “street clothes” which somehow consists of his normal wrestling gear anyway. Could you imagine living in that world? Where you constantly feel like you have to run around in your underwear or a singlet just in case you have to wrestle? Actually, you probably do that anyway. Marella somehow manages to have a decent match with Jerry, by basically just punching him in the forehead for an hour. Tazz should’ve tried that. Marella implores Jim Ross to actually pay attention to the match instead of pitching BBQ sauce, and Lawler rolls him up for the win. A thrilling start to this feud.

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Save_Us?! What does it MEAN?! Y+X=1? 2=2, 8=J?! YOU TOLD ME THERE WOULDN’T BE ANY MATH!

Jeff Hardy: I’ve got it! Y…Why?! The RAW debut of Peroxwhy?gen!

Matt Hardy: Jeff, don’t be stupid.

Nattie Neidhart: Wait, they’re not going to put me in a mask and call me “Why” are they?

The Great Coachi (w/ Tough Enough Eric Bischoff) vs. Hornswaggle (w/ William Regal)
In a Training Match

William Regal: Right, then. Hairyknuckles here needs help training before his big Survivor Series match! So, Coach, pretend you’re the great Khali!

Coach ambles around the ring screaming and acting like he can’t wrestle.

Regal: Excellent. Really spot on. Now, Indian Eric Bischoff! You say something not entirely threatening!

Tough Enough Eric Bischoff: I don’t look like a boy! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Regal: Perfect! Now, Hoolihan, take him down!

Hornswaggle nails Coachi in the face with a chair and then stabs him in the thigh with a shard of glass.

Regal: Well…we’ll have to work on that one.

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Triple H, and Hunter, I have to ask you, what’s the deal with all these Smackdown people here tonight? And the Body of the Undertaker showing up without the Voice again? I’ve got a feeling you’re behind this, you bastard!

Triple H: Todd, I don’t have time to be an evil genius right now. I’m too busy playing Mass Effect.

Grisham: You’re playing a video game instead of paying attention to what’s going on around here?

HHH: Yes. And quite frankly, Todd, I’m a better person for it.

Grisham: I don’t even know what to say.

HHH: I do! Check out the hooters on that blue chick!

Todd Grisham goes into a rage, ejecting the disc and putting in a copy of WWE Smackdown Vs RAW 2008. Todd plays five seconds of the game, and immediately dies of boredom. Todd Grisham has fallen.

HHH: Well…that sucked.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Is it time to play Q*BERT?!

HHH: Oh, maybe later, li’l buddy. I’ve got a match next.

Batista: You are the best friend EVER!

HHH: I don’t-

Batista: EVER!

HHH: Ooook, then.

Q*Bert: #%&@!

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Survivor Series Memories: Remember when Rikishi accidentally ran over Steve Austin for the good of The Rock, and then Big Show ended up eating ten people and winning the WWF Title? Well, this Survivor Series Memory is about Chuck Norris delivering a roundhouse kick to Jeff Jarrett. Take THAT TNA!

Triple H vs. Totally Not Jamal
In a Lumberjack Match

The Lumberjacks are the Hardyz, Kane, Rey, Kennedy, Big Daddy V, Finlay, and MVP, so I expect this to go smoothly. Triple H immediately starts punching Not Jamal in the head. Woah…HHH must be more messed up than I thought. You’d think a guy with a wrestling IQ as high as his would know better than to try to punch a Samoan in the head. Sure enough, Not Jamal just starts head butting Hunter’s fists. Meanwhile, all of the lumberjacks are outside the ring trying to convince Jeff Hardy that the Save_Us ads aren’t for Peroxwhy?gen after all, and debating the relative benefits of Nattie Neidhart working under a mask.

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When we come back, we’re treated to a comforting shot of Kane’s nostrils. Man, I’ve missed that guy. The Satire definitely needed some more Kane this week. Hunter goes for the PEDIGREE TO NOT JAMAL, but he blocks it. Even if he hit it, would that really work on a guy from Deepest Darkest Samoa? Those guys give each other Pedigrees just to say hello. Or that’s what I heard anyway. On…The Discovery Channel. It was Lame Wrestling Gimmicks Week. You guys should’ve seen that Mythbusters where they tried to prove that X-Pac couldn’t exist, and then Kari Byron wrestles herself in a bowl full of pudding. Um…anyway, the lumberjacks all jump in the ring and start brawling, so that’s the end of the match. Couldn’t have predicted that one!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Shawn Michaels attempts and fails to beat Randy Orton by whipping him with a tank top. Team Triple H defeats Team Totally Not Jamal 103-99 in a charity basketball game. And Edge returns. Much to the delight of skanky hoes everywhere.

Five Stories That Are (not) Chaning Your World

1) Mark Cuban Wants ISPs to Block All P2P Traffic. Yeah, that’ll show thost nasty hobbits who keep trading my basketball games and downloading episodes of Dancing with the Stars! Who’s laughing now, internet users? Mark Cuban! That’s who!

2) German Authorities Are Pissed That They Can’t Wiretap Skype. In other news, if you want to wiretap Hock Show or Three Robots, go ahead. I talk about all my jewel heists and plots for world domination on my other internet radio show.

3) Black Friday Isn’t the “Event” It Used to Be. Sales are down around the board as millions of Americans would rather stay home and sleep rather than stand outside Best Buy at 4 a.m. to buy a copy of Barbie Horse Adventure for $5.

4) Comcast Is Kind of Ticked That the NFL Is Running Ads Urging Fans to Drop Cable. Yeah, who would’ve guessed? I’m no big fan of Comcast or anything but the whole NFL Network thing is getting a little ridiculous. You want to Flex-Schedule yourself some hot Dallas on Green Bay action, that’s fine, but don’t go pissing and moaning when more than two thirds of your fans can’t even see it.

5) Ricky Williams Returning to the NFL. What’s the over/under on his smoking weed DURING his first game back. On the plus side, at least he’s not using roids, right? You’ve got to pick and choose your battles, NFL!

1. New England Patriots: Only one game left that they might lose, the Patriots are playing better than anybody could ever had expected. Even if the wheels fall off the bus at this point, it looks like the Patriots might be able to skid into a Super Bowl. Last Week: 1

2. Dallas Cowboys: It’s a Turkey Day confrontation for the Cowboys. Dallas is celebrating by unveiling a bronze stature of Wayne Fontes’ gobbler. Last Week: 2

3. Green Bay Packers: Could you even have predicted that Green Bay would be in this position at this point in the season? The Packers have every opportunity to run the table for the rest of the year, and assuming Bret Favre doesn’t turn into a pumpkin or something. Again. Last Week: 4

4. New York Giants: Almost improbably, the Giants are continuing their super hot streak. They’re down two good players in Jacobs and Kiwanuka, but so long as Eli Manning, Jeremy Shockey, and Tom Coughlin can keep it together…Oh, man they’re screwed, aren’t they? Last Week: 6

5. Pittsburgh Steelers: Oh, man! You can‘t lose to the Jets, you guys. I mean, last year, maybe. But this year? To the JETS?! At least you didn’t lose to Miami…Yet.Last Week: 3

6. Indianapolis Colts: Losers of two in a row, the Colts have to improve in just about every facet of their game from here on out. This includes those Peyton Manning commercials. Speaking of which, will somebody please get Marvin Harrison out of that tank and back on the field?. Last Week: 1

7. Jacksonville Jaguars: Ah, the Jacksonville Jaguars. Clearly not an elite team in the NFL, but not really a “bad” team either. They are most mediocre the NFL has to offer. Like a big, hot, crispy pizza with nothing but cheese. Last Week: 7

8. Cleveland Browns: Brady Quinn Watch: Brady can’t believe he lucked out as much as he did landing on a potential Playoff team like he did. He also can’t believe how amazing he’s doing on Madden, the only place he’s starting this year. Last Week: 8

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The bottom of this week‘s Top Ten is terrible this week. Once you get past the top six teams, making the Playoffs is just kind of embarrassing. That this team is also adding to the Legend of Jeff Garcia is even more baffling.. Last Week: 11

10. Denver Broncos: At least the Broncos won this week. It looks like a 9-7 record is going to be enough to put them in the playoffs, so they’ve got that to shoot for. Seriously though, they’ve got a ton of problems to solve, just less than some other teams. Last Week: 17

11. Tennessee Titans: I’m not really sure how to feel about the Titans this season. I mean literally. If I think of the Titans I just get this blanket feeling of general malaise. And I don’t think I’m the only one. Last Week: 10

12. San Diego Chargers: Anyone who actually believed that Norv Turner could actually lead this team back from the Abyss, please raise your hands. Ok, you guys can go back to San Diego and finish crying. Last Week: 13

13. Detroit Lions: Hey! Is Detroit actually playing a game on Thanksgiving that actually means something to them? Is this team capable of ten wins? Is Matt Millen secretly a football genius? All these questions and more answered on Thursday when the Lions totally blow their game. Last Week: 14

14. Houston Texans: You kind of have to love the Texans. Yeah, they’re not a great team, but they’re consistently overachieving, making their below average roster appear slightly below average. RON DAYNE! Last Week: 24

15. Buffalo Bills: For the same reason, I kind of love the Bills. Their roster is really thin, but they’re playing really well. Sure, they lost to the Patriots, but for one drive at least, they gave them everything they had. Last Week: 9

16. Seattle Seahawks: This is probably higher than they deserve to be ranked, but there’s a lot of that going around right now. Alexander’s not playing well, the receiving corps has been a bit of a mess, and the defense is up and down, but they are leading a division. Last Week: 21

17. Washington Redskins: The Redskins aren’t out of the Wild Card race right now. This isn’t a team that looks like it’s going to have a lot of traction going forward, but for a few plays every game you get the sense that Jason Campbell will be an ok quarterback in the NFL. Last Week: 15

18. Arizona Cardinals: The Cards have been playing a little better of late, and so long as Antrelle Rolle can score 2 Touchdowns as a cornerback every game they actually have a chance at winning…like another game or two. Last Week: 18

19. Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles house might not be a Drug Emporium, but they’re certainly something wrong with them. They’ve won blow outs, they’ve lost blow outs, and you don’t really get the sense that this team cares either way. Last Week: 19

20 New Orleans Saints: Reggie Bush had his chance on Sunday to prove to the Texans that they did wrong by not drafting him first overall in last year’s NFL draft. He answered back with 34 yards rushing. Well played, Mr. Bush. Last Week: 14

21. Kansas City Chiefs: True enough to what I said a few weeks ago, the Chiefs had a bye and lost all their momentum heading into the rest of the season. It’s kind of sad that they still have a pretty good shot at running away with the AFC West, but at the same time, I wouldn’t exactly lay any money on that. Last Week: 16

22. Baltimore Ravens: At one point late in the first half of Sunday’s Game, Baltimore had three yards of offense. Three. They ended up winning that game. Clearly, the secret to winning for Baltimore is to suck for three quarters under Steve McNair and let Kyle Boller flash his magic in the fourth quarter. It scares me how much sense that actually makes to me right now. Last Week: 26

23. Carolina Panthers: Not that they were throwing to him a lot before he was injured, but shouldn’t the Panther’s offensive scheme basically read, “Run, Run, Five Yard Out to Steve Smith. Repeat”? Drew Carter did his damndest to replace Smith this week, but he had to leave the game early when an elderly fan chased him off the field for replacing Bob Barker. Last Week: 23

24. Chicago Bears: Soo…Rex Grossman wasn’t the solution? I mean….Who knew, right? How many beers is it going to take to get Kyle Orton back in there? Forget Griese and Rexy, UNLEASH THE NECKBEARD! Last Week: 22

25. Minnesota Vikings: Adrian who?! Chester Taylor put in a great performance on Sunday against Oakland, running all over them. The biggest news for the Vikings though, was that they finally found their quarterback: Wide Receiver Sidney Rice. Last Week: 25

26. Cincinnati Bengals: Ouch. I guess the Bengal’s one good year a few years ago was all smoke and mirrors. Look for even more excitement in a few months, however, when Sigfried and Roy make a special appearance on the NFL Network to make Marvin Lewis disappear. Last Week: 24

27. New York Jets: Big win for the Jets this week. To celebrate their fans stood outside Jets headquarters and booed another year where they‘ve screwed up their chances at a decent draft pick.. Last Week: 28

28. Saint Louis Rams: Suddenly, the Rams are hot and winning games. They’ve got big plans for the future, which include getting Steven Jackson injured in a meaningless game again, Tori Holt giving Marc Bulger a backrub, and Isaac Bruce finally unlocking the secrets of Medicare. Last Week: 29

29. Oakland Raiders: Thanks to the arm of Dante Culpepper and the leg of Sebastian Janikowski, the Raiders made a run at the Vikings on Sunday. They‘re only 7-8 body parts from a really cool Frankenstien. Last Week: 30

30. Atlanta Falcons: Pop Quiz: Joey Harrington has played well. The Falcons finally won two games in a row this year. Byron Leftwich is awful, injured, and consistently losing games. Which quarterback do you start? If you said Leftwich, I think it‘s pretty awesome that Bobby Petrino is reading this. Hey, Coach! Last Week: 27

31. San Francisco 49ers: Alex Smith needs shoulder surgery. Oh, so that‘s why they‘ve sucked. It has nothing to do with the corners, receivers, linemen, coaches, linebackers, running backs, and everybody else on the teams that have been bad this year. Last Week: 31

32. Miami Dolphins: Clearly what this team needs is a shot in the arm. What they‘re going to get is a joint and some Twinkies. Well, I mean, every little bit helps, I guess. Congrats, guys, only six more weeks to go! Last Week: 32

This Week’s Rexy: Donovan McNabb, who went out injured just long enough for his team to eek out a win over the hapless Dolphins. Donovan, for your timely inability to suck enough to lose to the only winless team in the NFL? We salute you!

They’re DANCING!!! AAAAAAAH!

Seriously though. I’m going nuts.