Happy New Year from all of us at Hock Show Dot Com!

Since it’s YouTube Monday, I was going to go on YouTube and find some cool New Years content. But then I found This and I got distracted.

Seriously, it’s just a video of corporate logos (incuding Dick Clark’s, Happy New Year, you old zombie!). And there’s hundreds of these on the YouTubes. Like…who does this? And WHY?! Agh. My New Year’s Resolution this year is to not post any corporate logos on YouTube. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. David Letterman Ends the Writers Strike Sort of…Letterman and his production company have reached a deal with the writers of Late Night that will allow them to return to air next week.

2. Walmart Opts out of Movie Downloading Business. While iTunes is expanding its download services, Wal-Mart is shutting down their downloads, ciiting poor sales and technical glitches. Video on Demand failure is this year’s Dot Com crashing.

3. Apple Has Secured a Patent for iPhone Ordering. Their only partner right now is Starbucks, who’s going to let iNerds order coffee via a menu on the phone. But how long before your entire life is lived via phone micropayments? For Apple, Google and Microsoft it can’t come soon enough.

4. Fun Christmas Gifts Abound! Forget your old standby kid gets iPod pre-loaded with porn or finds his PS3 replaced with a phone book in the box stories. A girl in Washington, DC got an iPod for Christmas, opened the packaging and found a folded up manifesto claiming that only horrible people buy iPods. Damn you, PC!

5. AOL Finally Kills Netscape. It’s been dying ever since basically everybody who’d ever worked on it went off to make Firefox, but AOL finally decided this week to pull the plug on its web browser. When you’re celebrating New Years this week, pour one for your first non-IE homie.

There will be no Three Robots at the Urinal tonight, as Dan accidentally ate his computer. That’s what he gets for spilling ketchup all over it, I guess.

Join us next week when we accidentally blow up the Internet.

1. New England Patriots: They’ve got one game left to set all their records and glide into the Playoffs. You can bet that Bellechick won’t sit his players, so Randy Moss and Tom Brady better be walking on eggshells. Last Week: 1

2. Indianapolis Colts: Peyton Manning played a great deal in Sunday’s contest, in equal parts to help try to inch towards another 4,000 yard season and to keep himself sharp for the Playoffs, once again proving why Jim Sorgi has the best job in football. Last Week: 3

3. Dallas Cowboys: It wasn’t exactly a convincing victory, but the Cowboys excised themselves of the ghost of Jessica Simpson, something that the American public has been trying to do for years now. Last Week: 4

4. Jacksonville Jaguars: They’re playing like playoff favorites right now, as the running game is finally completely on track. I’ll believe David Garrard as a playoff QB when I see it, but for now, the Jags are dominating. Last Week: 5

5. San Diego Chargers: Oh, there the San Diego Chargers are. Where have they been hiding all season? Word has it that the players were so exhausted early this season from filming soup commercials that they didn’t play well on Sundays. Donovan McNabb feels their pain. Last Week: 6

6. Green Bay Packers: Not only was Sunday‘s loss to Chicago embarrassing, but it was dangerous. There was no reason for the starters to be playing well after the game was out of reach. It’s a dangerous precedent to set before the playoffs start. Last Week: 3

7. Pittsburgh Steelers: The loss of Willie Parker is a big one, but honestly, he hasn‘t been a touchdown machine this year, and the Steelers have shown up on the passing radar the past few weeks. Not that it‘s pleasant though. Last Week: 7

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Yar, the Buccaneers have no shot in the Playoffs, matey! That said, they’re not the most embarrassing team in the post season, which is kind of like saying you’re not the biggest whore on The Real World. Last Week: 8

9. Seattle Seahawks: Shawn Alexander looked like Shawn Alexander this week, and the Seahawks finally got on tack. Will that last? Probably not, no. But I’m sure it was great for all those fantasy guys out of the playoffs because they wasted their first round pick on him. Last Week: 10

10. New York Giants: Who says the Giants have nothing to play for this week? If there was ever a way for Eli to step out of his brother’s shadow, it’s now. Do the job your brother couldn’t, Eli. Win a National Championship! Wait…what? Last Week: 11

11. Tennessee Titans: Will the Madden Curse strike or can Tennessee overcome the odds? They control their own destiny Sunday against Indy. We’ll see whether or not Jeff Fishers’ weird goatee will lead them to victory. Last Week: 13

12. Washington Redskins: Their quarterback hasn’t played football since the Clinton administration, their coach doesn’t know who the president is now, and their defense is still struggling to make up for the lack of a starting safety. How in the world is this a playoff team?! Last Week: 14

13. Cleveland Browns: Brady Quinn Watch: Brady is sad that they lost a very winnable game, but excited that the Browns might be out of the Playoffs now. More time to work on his totally courageous autobiography A Tale of Courage: Brady Quinn’s Story. Last Week: 9

14. Minnesota Vikings: In a game that they had no reason to lose…they…lost. Adrian Peterson rushed for about ten feet and the Vikings need some serious help to make the Playoffs. And some serious help. Last Week: 12

15 New Orleans Saints: A win, a loss by the Vikings and Redskins, $.44, an ancient spell by a long forgotten wizard, the entire roster spinning around three times while repeating “Yo Joe!”, and the Earth reversing polarity and merging with Mars could still get the Saints into the Playoffs. Last Week: 15

16. Philadelphia Eagles: Yeah, they beat the Saints, but they can’t get into the Playoffs, no matter how many schemes they dream up. Which is too bad, because the team just hired Snidely Whiplash as their VP of Football Operations. Last Week: 18

17. Houston Texans: The poor Texans ran up against the Colts and now the Jaguars in the final two weeks of the season. They’ve still got an outside chance to finish at .500 though, which for the Texans is pretty damn good. Which is sad. Last Week: 16

18. Chicago Bears: A terrible game, but the Bears finally played like a winning team in horrible conditions at Soldier Field on Sunday. Sure, they’re only twelve weeks too late for any of that to have made a difference, but, that’s how it goes. Last Week: 24

19. Buffalo Bills: They put up a decent fight, but in the end the Bill just got outplayed in the freezing rain against the Giants. Buffalo, however, has had a good season and can look forward to being next year‘s San Fransisco 49ers.. Last Week: 17

20. Denver Broncos: It hasn’t been a good season for the Broncos or Jay Cutler. It’s pretty bad when Phillip “Second Half of the Season, Guys!” Rivers is making fun of you on the sidelines. Cutler doesn’t even have a bland blonde singer to cuddle up with. Last Week: 19

21. Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals still have a shot at finishing above the .500 mark, which is more than a lot of teams in the NFL can say this year. That said, there’s not a lot to look forward to when their most consistent threat this season has been Brenda Warner. Last Week: 20

22. Carolina Panthers: Hey! Steve Smith appeared on the stats line again this week! It’s a Christmas Miracle. The Panthers still lost though, proving that there’s some things the birth of Christ simply can’t fix. Last Week: 26

23. San Francisco 49ers: Shaun Hill!!! In this, the year of the back-up quarterback, it’s nice to see a guy like Hill have some success before he spends the rest of his career in a baseball cap picking up stray water bottles. Last Week: 28

24. Detroit Lions: John Kitna made sure the media knew he’d be back next year. After all, he’s still got that 10 win season to rack up in a Lion’s jersey. Complicating matters somewhat is the fact that this team really isn’t all that good. Last Week: 21

25. Cincinnati Bengals: Chad Johnson promised before the season that he was going to carve defenses up this year. After Sunday’s game, Johnson admitted that he’d gotten so caught up in designing end zone celebrations this year, he forgot to actually perform any. Last Week: 29

26. Oakland Raiders: Well, hey, at least JaMarcus Russell got that three interception performance out of the way early. Right? And Warren Sapp got to pull his Shaq impression by fouling out of the game, so that was pretty fun. Last Week: 22

27. Baltimore Ravens: On my advice, the Baltimore Ravens decided to start Troy Smith at quarterback, making him the 1 millionth QB to start this year. In celebration, the NFL gave him a $5 gift certificate to NFLShop.com, which Smith used to buy a Troy Smith Ravens Jersey. It was the first sale. Last Week: 23

28. Kansas City Chiefs: There‘s no bright lining for the Chiefs this season, after losing 8 games in a row, things are looking rather bad for everyone involved. Well, I guess next season‘s Hard Knocks will be pretty good.. Last Week: 25

29. Saint Louis Rams: Too late for it to be at all relevant, the Rams roster is finally getting healthy. It’s not relevant to the game of football in any way, but at least their curling team will be at full strength. Last Week: 27

30. New York Jets: It’s small comfort, but the Jets showed flashes of mediocrity in Tennessee this week. They ended up losing yet another game, but it gives them something to aspire to. Here’s to a 7-9 2008, Jets fans! Last Week: 30

31. Atlanta Falcons: Bobby Petrino left them. Bill Parcells won’t return their phone calls. Michael Vick killed their dog. What started off as an awful football season ended up as a pretty kick-ass country song. Rock on, Atlanta. Last Week: 31

32. Miami Dolphins: Speaking of Senor Tuna, the Miami Dolphins signed him this week to be their Vice President of Player Personel this week, in hopes that he could convince players that they want to be on a team this bad. Greenpeace immediately picked Dolphins practice until they agreed to make their stadium Tuna safe. Only one week to go! Last Week: 32

It’s Christmas Time and everybody has their beloved Christmas favorites. Oh, sure, there’s A Christmas Story, 11,000 versions of A Christmas Carol, A Miracle on 34th Street, Rudolph, Frosty, and, of course, The Charlie Brown Christmas Special.

But for me? The new holiday classic is The Nightmare Before Christmas. So, I guess, what I’m trying to say is: What’s this?

Wait, I meant to say, Watch This.

From all of us at Hock Show Dot Com, to all of you,

Happy Holidays!

-Hockshow.com Staff

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. The Big Ten Hired a Shifty Ref. Investigation of Stephen Pamon, a referee for Big Ten Football this season, has revealed a history of backrupcy, violence, and gambling. Well gee…You’d think that stuff would turn up in background checks wouldn’t you? I mean…I guess he wasn’t literally blind, at least. That’d be embarrasing!

2. Jerry Bruckheimer Has Joined MTV Games. I guess the writers strike really is taking its toll on everyone in Hollywood if poor Jerry has to take a paltry $500 Million deal with MTV Games to develop new IPs. Either that or we’ll get our first Pirates of the Caribbean themed Tamborine Hero game.

3. Duke Nukem Forever Trailer Online. Look, if Trailers were Horses…Wait…That’s not the metaphor I was looking for. Anyway, this is our third trailer in 10 years, and it ends with a “Coming Soon” teaser, so I’m not convinced. America’s favorite piece of vaporware still exists in the ether of our minds. Ten years ago.

4. Retail Outlet Slackers Is Selling Wiis…On eBay. Apparently, the chain puts in orders for Wiis to Nintendo just like Walmart and Target, doubles the price on them and sticks them up on eBay rather than on the sales floor. As a business strategy, it’s pretty ballsy. I guess they’re not really “Slackers” after all.

5. TorrentSpy Is in Trouble…. One of the Biggest BitTorrent networks in the world was raided this week after authorities investigating an MPAA complaint discovered moderators on the TorrentSpy message board hiding illegal files in secret forums. It’s all very cloak and dagger and less exciting than it sounds. Essentially, if you want to download that copy of Blue Collar Comedy Tour it’s probably not a great idea to post about it on message boards. TorrentSpy’s official stance? “We weren’t covering up evidence, but if we were, it was just to protect our users.”

Last Week: It was the Fifteenth RAWniversary and…essentially nothing happened, really. Sure there was the Old Man Battle Royal, and…Hulk Hogan? Man, I don’t know, three hours of nothing but guys in short shorts. Thankfully, it won’t be three hours…TONIGHT!!

(Opening Credits)

Jillian Hall, Melina, Victoria, and Layla El Layla vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly, Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella), Michelle McCool, and Alexis Laree

Wow, that’s just a bunch of ladies in elf costumes. Just like DragonCon. Lillian Garcia apparently thinks that Layla El Layla is Kelly Kelly Kelly, which is totally understandable because Kelly is totally a hot black girl. To be completely fair to Lillian, however, I thought Michelle McCool was Kelly for, like, half the match. And I thought they were both Torrie Wilson, so I have no idea what’s going on here. I think we’ve all been hitting the ol’ Egg Nog a little too hard. Alexis hit’s a DDT on Victoria. Are either of them dating Just Kenny still? I can’t follow those kinds of things anymore. Wait…Why is Michelle McCool wearing a thong OVER her shorts? That’s…weird.

Afterwards, Vince McMahon hobbles his way to the ring.

Vince McMahon: That outfit is ridiculous, Michelle. Get out of the ring. I’m tired of everybody making fun of me. I mean, really. I’m doing all kinds of crazy crap around here every week, and what do I get? A midget son? Beer poured all over my nice suit coat? A writers strike?! What did I do to deserve any of this?

Jeff Hardy: Mr. McMahon, if I may?

Vince: Yeah, yeah. I know. Psychobabble. Inane Statement. 2Xtreme. Gotta love that Imagi.

Hardy: Actually, sir, my big win over Triple H has given me a lot of time to think. You see, I won all the armoires at WWE RAW, Smackdown and ECW Present WWE RAW, Smackdown and ECW’s Armoiregettin’ so I’ve been loading them up with volumes of my patented emoetry.

Vince: Then why did you come out here?

Hardy: Because, Vince, I just wanted to mention that we were going to Iraq a few weeks ago AKA next week. And also that, like Saddam Hussein, you’re a lovable scamp that should really have stopped killing people.

Vince: Yeah, I mean…I guess I really should’ve thought that one through.

Hardy: You just got schooled in an argument by Jeff Hardy!

At this, Vince breaks down in tears and clutches at the turnbuckle. Jeff shrugs and runs off. Aw, he should’ve offered to build a volcano with Vince. That would’ve cheered him up!

(ads)

Vince is still sitting in the corner, but now William Regal is out there too.

William Regal: Oh, yes, sir. This is absolutely the best way to watch RAW. Shall we have the matches happen around us then? I’ll bring some popcorn and sodas down here for us?

Triple H: Guys, as fascinating as that might be, we’re going to have Totally Not Jamal out here tonight, and he’s going to want to do a bunch of turnbuckle spots, and unless you want him rubbing his junk in your face, that’s neither cool nor sanitary. And it’ll probably get us cancelled.

Regal: Oh, let him sit here and cry, would you?

HHH: I just hope he doesn’t try to blow himself up again. I can’t take having to find out that Trevor Murdoch is his illegitimate cousin.

Vince McMahon: Somebody get me Coach!

Regal: Yes! Somebody fetch us Jonathan Coachman! We’ll give him a good whacking. That will cheer you up, Mr. McMahon.

Vince: No, I want you two to wrestle Hunter. That’ll cheer me up.

HHH: It’s a Christmas Miracle!

Vince: God, I hate this company.

(ads)

Triple H vs. William Regal and Jonathan Coachman

Everybody’s in their street clothes, which is pretty cool. When the office Christmas Party goes bad! Hunter laughs at his competition, which is pretty sad. Poor William Regal, how far have you fallen? Maybe it’s the haircut. Jonathan Coachman, I get, I guess. But he did have a pretty good three thousand match series a few years ago with Tajiri. These are foes to be reckoned with. And to be fair, Regal does get in a little bit of “kicking Hunter in the head” based offense, but then he drops the brass knuckles, and Hunter grabs them and bonks Coach. PEDIGREE TO COACH! Hunter wins! Yaaaaaaaaaay!

(ads)

Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Are Cody and Hardcore still even a tag team? Yeah, I realize they won the tag team titles last week, but come on. Their level of interaction this week? High fives before the match. I totally buy that. At least Cody looks like he’s settling in to being a face, well, as much of a face as you can be when nobody gives a crap what you’re doing. Look at it this way, Cody: At least you’re not Demon Hugger Smith. Holly tries to hit the Alabama Slam about ten seconds in, but, surprisingly, he didn’t hit it. Cody hit’s the DDT for the win. What’s with the DDT finishes? Are we supposed to be honoring Jake Roberts’ foray into rehab?

(ads)

Ric Flair is on the ramp.

Ric Flair: WOOOO! I’m the NATURE BOY! I’m stylin’ and profilin’ because I will never retire! Retire me?! I’m already retired! Fire me? I’m already…Wait! I’ll never retire! WOO! That’s why I’m the champ! Now people have been wondering when I’m going to lose! The answer is, “Not until I’ve paid off my back taxes!” WOO! Because I’m Ric, By God, Flair! I’m Ric Flair. And all my best friends like Barry Windham, Arn Anderson, that goofy looking Duck, Triple H, Dave! Shawn Michaels! WOO! Rickey Steamboat?! RICKY STEAMBOAT! I’m going to break your knees, kid! I’m going to break your knees! BecauseI’malimoridin’jetflyin’wheelin’anddealin’kissstealin’sonofagunwho’sgoingtotakeyouroldladyforarideonSPACEMOUNTAINFATBOYWOOOOObecausethat’swhyI’mthechamp! WOOO!!!

You know…who gave him a live mic?

(ads)

Ric Flair vs. Totally Not Jamal

Whew. If he was fighting Jamal tonight, I’d be worried. Do you ever suppose Not Jamal misses hanging out with Armando? He needs a new friend. What’s Kim Chee up to? He was conspicuous by his absence last week. Flair starts off with some chops and head based offense. Um…I know he’s crazy, but is he supposed to be stupid too? Actually, yeah, I guess he is. Never mind then. Not Jamal, of course, no sells all this noise. Then, Not Jamal gets a whiff of some popcorn, jumps outside the ring, and spears a barricade. That’s good for a count out. Flair wins! Fantastic.

Jericho is walking around backstage. He hasn’t already forgotten how to get out to the ring, has he? Geez.

(ads)

Jericho is out on the ramp on his way to the ring. Whew. I was getting worried about that. I’ll note that he’s wearing a new shirt, which is about a million times better than his old shirt. And less blue.

Chris Jericho: Sure, I beat Randy Orton last night, but who cares? I didn’t get the WWE Spinnin’ Title nor did I get that really awesome armoire I had my eye on. Why did I bother to come back if I’m not going to be pushed any harder than when I left? I mean…look at this! I’m out here in the ring, hosting the “Not Highlight Reel,” while my apparently self-conscious Jeritron 5000 floats around haunting people backstage, and my guest didn’t even bother to show up.

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Well…I did agree to appear live via the Titan Tron.

Jericho: Which is a whole ‘nother thing. I’m feuding with an announcer now? What the hell is that all about?

JBL: Hey! Some of our best feuds over the past couple years have been with announcers.

Jericho: I might as well be feuding with WWE Timekeeper Mark Yeaton!

WWE Timekeeper Mark Yeaton: You wish, Jericho!

Jericho: Actually-

JBL: Come on, you’re not really putting me in the same category as him, are you?

Jericho: Hey, man, you used to be cool. Back when you were in the APA or when you were beating up Eddie Guerrero and Rey Misterio. You were everybody’s choice for mystery tag team partners! But now? Now, you’re just like…the wealthy man’s Tazz.

JBL: That’s fair. I’ll take that.

Jericho: So I’m going to come over to Smackdown and end this feud once and for all!

JBL: Look, the Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker has really been on me lately about tearing down the fragile barriers that separate RAW and Smackdown and keep the Wrestling Kingdom together. I shouldn’t even be in this segment, but my position as a Wrestling God grants me such powers. You, as a mere mortal, cannot be allowed to do such a thing. Except on Holidays and special occasions. Like if Edge and Vickie Guerrero get married and then attacked by Mark Henry who wants at the wedding cake.

Jericho: You and your rules makers are a bunch of squares, man.

JBL: Hey, it’s not my rule. So it’s either that or not be on the Royal Rumble.

Jericho: It’s not like I was winning it anyway.

JBL: True that, kid. True that.

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool and Santino Marella (w/ Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella)) vs. Brian Kendrick and Paul London

At least they’re going to give this tag team thing a go. I wonder if Carlito realized that this was what he was signing back up for. They argue for a bit about who’s going to start, but I don’t think it matters. That loss to Deuce and Domino really hurt Kendrick and London pretty deeply. And why wouldn’t it? I know I wouldn’t want to lose to anyone named “Deuce.” Or “Cherry” for that matter. Or Spanky, so they should really get their heads back into the game. At least London doesn’t have a stupid name. Carlito wins with a Back Stabber on Kendrick.

Santino Marella: We win-a the match-a! We are-a the best-a tag team-a on RAW!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Not that that’s really saying much.

Santino: Nobody-a can stop-a the team-a of the Italian-a Nightmare and his-a pal the guy-a who likes-a to swap-a the spit with-a the guys-a!

Carlito: Well, I don’t like to brag-

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): May I point out that I’m not entirely comfortable with this newfound friendship between two men I’ve previously neeped?

Santio: No-a!

Then Carlito and Santino parade around the ring.

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I have to ask you, what do you think about not getting any armoires last night? I literally have to ask you that question. Even though I think it’s stupid.

Randy Orton: Great question, Tad! I was just so exploited to see my breast fiend Elmo last week and to see him wind the Girl’s Headyweight Chocolate Chip at SUV Armor Kitchen was just the ice ring on the steak.

Todd: What about your match with Chris Jericho?

Orton: There’s no drought, Chris Oreos is a great rappeller, but I’m Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy. I killered his Legend.

Grisham: Uh-huh. And your thoughts on facing Jeff Hardy?

Orton: I have no ideal who Jed Hardees is, but he makes me hungered for a hamburgler.

Grisham: That’s pretty much all I ever have to say to you.

Orton: DESTINY, Tom! DESTINY!

With that, Todd Grisham drops an armoire on himself. Todd Grisham has fallen. Elsewhere….

Ric Flair: WOO! NATURE BOY!

Tough Enough Jessie: Yeah, that’s great, Ric.

Flair: Don’t you talk to me!

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAAH!

Triple H: Hey, Ric. I’m going to drink a whole vat of egg nog, want some?

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

HHH: Sure thing, Naitch!

Vince McMahon: Two weeks from today, you guys are going to have a match.

HHH: On New Years Eve? A show nobody will watch?

Vince: Yes. Shut up.

HHH: And I have no penalty for intentionally jobbing to Ric so he gets to keep his job?

Vince: Yes. Shut up.

HHH: I don’t think this is your best plan. Don’t blow yourself up though.

Vince: Whatever, dude.

HHH: Have you been reading Jeff’s emoetry again?

Flair: WOO! Emoetry for the NATURE BOY!

Vince: Yes. Shut up.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels vs. Ken Kennedy and Randy Orton

Poor, Mr. Kennedy. Not only did he lose his match against Shawn last night, he hurt his hand playing Stratego against WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman at the hotel this morning. It’s been a tough year. Maybe he can repeat his name. That usually makes him feel better. Me too. Hocking! Yeah. That made me feel pretty awesome. Or like I was about to sell something. Or maybe spit in the face of someone who didn’t want to be cool. Ptooey, Randy Orton! Ok, that just confused the hell out of me. Why would you want to repeat your own last name? Ugh. This is why I hate recapping WWE Main Events.

(ads)

The match is still going on when we come back, so if you had “It’ll be over” in your office pool, you lost. For some reason, I had “They’d switch to a Rerun of Alf.” I lost, but I think in the long run, that’s a good strategy for WWE. Especially after I read that TNA script. Do you see what they’re up against in the next couple weeks? Jeremy Borash at AJ Styles’ house?! You can’t get much more compelling for that. For some reason, Buffalo is popping for everything Jeff Hardy does. I think it’s just pent up agression from those wayward Bills fans. That and we’re too close to Canada for anybody to cheer for Shawn. Michaels and Kennedy take their battle outside the ring, and Jeff manages to avoid falling over (for the first time in his career). Orton doesn’t know what to do after that, so Jeff gets the Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb. If he can do that at the Royal Rumble…well…I’ll eat somebody else’s delicious ice cream hat.

Next Week: WWE is in Iraq! Enjoy the delightful sounds of missiles and roadside bombs as the troops try to contain their disappointment that Stevie Richards and Val Venis are the only ones making the trip this year. Also? I’m taking the week off. Happy Holidays, all!

So, normally, I think that the sensationalizing of a game outside of the game itself usually almost always ends up in a very dumb place. It’s how you end up with grown men and (even a few) women dressing up as night elves and Cloud Strife and running around through the streets waving giant swords at each other. This attitude is, of course, not limited to video games (and has given us everything from 500 pound acned Klingons to lovely Slave Leias), but with video games it just seems a bit more superfluous.

And I still think that, but I have to admit, Blizzard’s new partnership with a company called Figure Prints is actually pretty cool. For a little over $100 (a bit pricey, I know) you can buy a scale sized action figure of your World of Warcraft character. It’s actually pretty cool, and the detail is very slick. I’d love to see one of these in person so I could get a better gauge on how nice it really is (hint hint). A perfect Christmas gift for the WoW lover in your life.

The only catch? They only make a limited run of these, and you have to enter a lottery to get your name in the hat. Entry is free, but if your name comes up you’ve got to buy it on the spot, and you can only buy one per entry. Still, it’s a fun concept and something I know a ton of people will have an interest in.

If you’d like to find out more, you can check out the Figure Prints Website.

1. New England Patriots: There’s something to be said for playing down to the level of your opponents. The Pats have looked anything but good against poor teams lately, but it hasn’t really mattered so far. Last Week: 1

2. Indianapolis Colts: Don’t look now, but the Colts are finally starting to come around on offense. Too many injuries with the Playoffs coming up, but they’ll be starting fourth stringers from here on out anyway. Last Week: 3

3. Green Bay Packers: Not the most thrilling team in the NFL, but the Packers have it where it counts. A first round bye and a shot to beat Dallas in the Playoffs if they can stay out of their own way. Last Week: 4

4. Dallas Cowboys: Their worst performance since the Buffalo game, and suddenly the Cowboys don’t look nearly as good as they did a week ago. TO is whining, Roy Williams is suspended for being Roy Williams, and Tony Romo is too worried about C-List booty to care. Last Week: 2

5. Jacksonville Jaguars: Probably the least likely number 5 team we’ve had all year, but nobody can deny Jacksonville is playing well. Not well enough to be extraordinary, but well. Last Week: 6

6. San Diego Chargers: The Super Chargers didn’t look so super a few months ago, but they’re playing their best ball now when it matters the most. I still don’t like Norv Turner’s chances in the Playoffs, but at least he’s not Marty. Last Week: 8

7. Pittsburgh Steelers: After a season of looking like they were going to clean up on their way to the Playoffs, it looks like the Steelers are going to fall in ass backwards. At least they’re playing better than the Pirates. Last Week: 5

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Speaking of Pirates, here are the Buccaneers, who have no Pro Bowl players this year, despite winning the division. It’s not that they don’t have any star players it’s just…wait, yeah it is. Last Week: 11

9. Cleveland Browns: Brady Quinn Watch: Brady was sad that the game was so snowy this week, but happy his team got the win. He’s preparing for the Playoffs by buying a brand new Hello Kitty clipboard. Last Week: 10

10. Seattle Seahawks: The Seahawks are, as always, a few really good players away from being Super Bowl contenders. Unfortunately, they can’t count on Shawn Alexander any more, who is currently auditioning for any job Tiki Barber turns down. Last Week: 7

11. New York Giants: Well…When your biggest offensive threat breaks his leg, and your second biggest is constantly hobbling around on a bum ankle, and the biggest thing left is Eli Manning? Uh Oh. Last Week: 9

12. Minnesota Vikings: A little too close for comfort, but the Vikings have proven over the past two weeks that they can win games on defense, which is exactly what you need in the Playoffs. That and to actually be in the Playoffs. Last Week: 13

13. Tennessee Titans: Tennessee got a big win on Sunday, but they’re still on the outside looking in right now. Time is running out fast, and if they’re not careful, they’ll end up exactly the same place as they did last year: At home. Last Week: 12

14. Washington Redskins: Todd Collins is a stud, man. I don’t know how he ended up not working for a year, because this guy can really…Ok, but seriously, if the Redskins can compete with Collins at QB, they might be ok. Last Week: 18

15 New Orleans Saints: It’s too little too late for the Saints, but at least they’re not going out with a whimper. Starting at running back for New Orleans next week? The cast of K-Ville! Last Week: 19

16. Houston Texans: They’re in the midst of their best season ever as a franchise. Which…you know, that’s not really saying much. But it’s something. I’m on the record as being a fan of how Houston is playing this year. It’s nice to see them not totally failing. Last Week: 17

17. Buffalo Bills: Aren’t the Bills supposed to be a cold weather team? They certainly didn’t look like it, dropping one 8-0 in the middle of the snow against Cleveland. They’re going to hate Toronto. Last Week: 14

18. Philadelphia Eagles: Big win in front of Jessica Simpson this week, but the Eagles were ultimately eliminated from Playoff contention. Not that they were ever actually in Playoff contention, but…you know. Last Week: 21

19. Denver Broncos: Well, the Broncos are out of the Playoffs again. A nice start to the Jay Cutler era in Denver. At least they’re free of their pesky quarterback controversy. Now, they have neither. Last Week: 15

20. Arizona Cardinals: Oh, those pesky Cardinals! They certainly know how to play down to expectations! Their first season in their new stadium was a wash. Now we’ll see next season whether or not Matt Leinart can learn to walk properly. Last Week: 16

21. Detroit Lions: Losers of six straight, you have to feel bad for Lions fans, who had such high hopes after they started 6-2. I guess John Kitna forgot to remind God that he predicted a ten win season, huh? Last Week: 20

22. Oakland Raiders: Well, they almost beat the Colts. Kind of. They had the lead for a while, anyway. But the Raiders just couldn’t get it done in the fourth quarter. Hey, at leas that’s an improvement over the last few years when they couldn’t get it done in the first, right? Last Week: 28

23. Baltimore Ravens: So, here’s the situation. Baltimore, a team desperately in need of some energy and a team overhaul, plays competitively, if not well, under former Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith. Who is starting next week? Currently concussed Kyle Boller. Ugh. Last Week: 24

24. Chicago Bears: Wait…None of Brian Griese, Rex Grossman, or Kyle “The Neckbeard” Orton, are the solution at quarterback for the Bears? That’s crazy! Apparently, the notice is out to the NFL. Kick away from Devin Hester, and let the Bears take it at your twenty. Last Week: 22

25. Kansas City Chiefs: It’s been an up and down season for the Chiefs, and by that I mean that they suck. Pretty hard. So hard I named my vacuum “Herm.” It broke down after five weeks though. Last Week: 25

26. Carolina Panthers: I’d just like to point out that Carolina is ranked 19th in the Fox Sports poll. Because they beat the Seahawks. Congratulations, crappy team, you were able to defeat the NFL’s most mediocre division winner with a running back who gave up halfway through last season. Last Week: 29

27. Saint Louis Rams: Steven Jackson is over the hump and playing well, unfortunately, it just doesn’t matter anymore. The Packers rolled over them, but at least the Rams have pretty much the most kick ass Hospital Football Team in the NFL. Last Week: 26

28. San Francisco 49ers: Let’s not get excited here. Shaun Hill is not the basket you want to be putting all your eggs into. But he certainly was “good enough” on Sunday, becoming the latest third string quarterback to be hailed as the second coming of Scott Mitchell. Last Week: 30

29. Cincinnati Bengals: They won last week, but on Sunday they couldn’t capitalize on the…uh…momentum? Say what you want about Shaun Hill, man, but how’d you like to be the team that makes that third stringer look like a glorified second stringer? Last Week: 23

30. New York Jets: Chad Pennington came in and almost made it happen against the Patriots, but ultimately, they couldn’t keep the game close enough to get the victory. It was nice to see Brad Smith in there pretending like the option was still relevant too! Last Week: 27

31. Atlanta Falcons: So, how do you respond to the sentencing of your best player to prison and the Exodus of your coach who wants to get the hell away as fast as possible? If you said, “Get fined by the league for celebrating how awesome the guy in jail is during a loss” you could probably start for the Falcons. In fact, there’s a contract in your mail box right now. Can you start Sunday? Last Week: 31

32. Miami Dolphins: Their season-long one game winning streak comes to an end on Sunday when they take on the Patriots. Seriously, why mess with that awesome 0-14 vs. 14-0 story we all had going? Bah. Two more weeks of this. Last Week: 32