Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Yahoo Launched Buzz. It’s like Digg! But without Kevin Rose getting his…juices all over it! Seriously, though, Buzz isn’t anything super special or anything, but it’s another example of Yahoo putting a high gloss on a good idea.

2. It Turns Out That the Internet Sucks at Programming TV. Fans of CBS’ Jericho organized via websites to get the show back into production, the comedy quarterlife launched on MySpace and was so popular that NBC picked it up as a series. But? Jericho is picking up even lower ratings than when it was on the air before, and quarterlife popped the lowest rating for its timeslot in decades. Oops.

3. New Line Cinema Is No More. Warner Brothers bought the studio and has basically said that they’re closing up shop on one of the biggest independant film companies in the U.S. They will, however, still be milking the Lord of the Rings series for all it’s worth under the New Line banner.

4. Many Musicians Planning to Sue the RIAA. Why? Well…you see, the RIAA has won settlements for hundreds of million dollars in illegal downloading cases. Turns out that they haven’t been sharin any of this money with the people that are “losing” all this money to illegal downloads. Stay classy, guys!

5. Vista Is Still Swirling the Toilet. A new service pack was released this week. It creates more compatability issues than it solves. On the plus side, Microsoft is dropping the price of Vista in over half the world in the hopes that somebody, anybody, will tell them it’s better than XP.

Last Week: There was an awesome confrontation between Some Boxing Guy and The Big Show. Also, one between Vince McMahon and a Midget. And I think THE CHAMP WAS HERE! Will he be here…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

William Regal is in the ring. Maybe he’ll have something to say!

William Regal: I have something to say. I’d like very much to take pictures of the lovely chaps in the Wrestlemania main event to get their pictures taken together. We’ll use it on the programs or WWE Magazine or some such thing. It’s really just an excuse to get you all in the ring together to start the show.

Triple H: And to use the red carpet!

John Cena: I feel like the Oscars!

HHH: Did you guys see Maven last night? That guy really looks sharp. He’s got a bright future ahead of him.

Randy Orton: Insoothe, Triopoly H, I didst not see thine Otters or Martin last night becost I was too buzzy preparating myself for our match at Wigglestralia!

HHH: You’re just lucky I’m feeling too lazy for the PEDIGREE TO ORTON!, Mister.

Cena: I’m tired of you always being a big jerk to everybody, you big jerk! Just because you were the referee for the match last week doesn’t mean you can go around hitting everybody with a Pedigree, ok?

Orton: I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, must resolvingly agree with my easy steamed college here. You can’t not go around hinting everyone with your Pedagogue.

Cena: So it looks like I’m going to be like Superman and shoot you both with my laser eyes!

Orton: Hold on there, Mr. Cedar! I don’t not agree with you, Easter! After all, I have progression of the WUD Chocolate Chip, and what is it you always bray? THE CHANCE IS FEAR?! Well, Mr. Cedar, I have some wing to say to you! DESTINY FOR ORTON!

At that, Hunter and Cena fall over at Orton’s stupidity. Orton wins!! RANDY ORTON IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Regal: Well, that went splendidly, I think.

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Backstage….

Ken Kennedy: Oh boy! A backstage segment! I can’t wait to see what it’s about!

Randy Orton: Mister Kenerly! My breast fiend!

Kennedy: I take that all back.

Orton: I am to understand that you are in the Monkey on the Brink Laughter Match at this year’s Wigglestralia! Best of muck!

Kennedy: If I win that briefcase again, I’m cashing it in right away. No waiting for me to get injured again! I’m going to come right on down there and beat whoever is champion. Especially if it’s you. Loser.

Orton: That’s the spirits!

Kennedy: LOSER!

Carlito Caribbean Cool and Santino Marella (w/ Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) vs. Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Too many names still. Santino throws Cody at Carlito to start. Where’d that come from? Restrain your hostility guys! Or you’ll never get on Wrestlemania! Hahaha…Seriously, though. None of you are getting on Wrestlemania. Ok, well, Maria and Santino will get a cameo. Speaking of cameos, Jerry Lawler wings his crown at Maria’s ass. Maybe he’s going to give her the other glove for this outfit. No, he just wants her to come and talk about her boobs. Well, that’s as good an excuse as any. Unfortunately, Santino still has no concept of the temporal relations of this whole thing, and he starts bitching out Lawler. Oooh! Or maybe he’s starting to remember that he and Jerry used to hate each other! How meta of you! Oh, forget it. He just go beat by Hardcore Holly. Sigh. After the match, Maria apologizes for having a crown hit her ass, and…really. She was asking for it.

(ads)

The Wrestlemania Press Conference was last week…and in L.A. for some reason. Are we sure this isn’t just stock footage. If anybody sees Booker T or Benoit in there, let me know. Oh, wait, here’s Floyd Mayweather. He’s challenging the Big Show and wearing a bedazzled Yankees hat. I guess earning $20 million to pretend to beat up a big fat guy will make you do all kinds of crazy things.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with William Regal.

Todd Grisham: It’s a damn shame I’ll never be nominated for an Emmy for appearing in this stupid show with you.

William Regal: That’s not even appropriate, Todd. The Oscars were last night. Not the Emmys.

Grisham: Oh, what does it matter? I thought we were ignoring the laws of time and space around here now? Isn’t that the hot new thing? Oh, William Regal! It’s two weeks from now right now on this side of the couch, and you’re about to book Ken Kennedy and Randy Orton vs. Triple H and John Cena! OooooOOoooo!

Regal: Smashing good idea, future Todd! Can you tell me this week’s lotto numbers as well?

Grisham: NO! No, I cannot and I will not! Because I hate you. And also because I was lying! This side of the couch is on the same week as that side of the couch, you idiot!

Regal: Aha! So I’m two weeks ahead of myself as well! I should write myself a note with two weeks ago’s lotto numbers!

Grisham: It’s STILL THIS WEEK! SHUT UP!

Todd Grisham chokes himself with a watch. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Regal: Yes. Quite.

Chris Jericho: Hey, Will! Want me to piss in your tea again?

Regal: I’m sorry, Mr. Jericho, but I’m from the future. Talking to you would constitute a violation of the space time continuum.

Jericho: Riiight. Hey, let me know when you’re back from the future, would you?

Regal: Great Scot!

Rory McAllister: Aw, I’m not that great. Hey, Chris, William Regal of Wrestlemanias Past wants you to know that you’re taking on Jeff Hardy in a Money in the Bank Ladder match here tonight as punishment for pissing in his tea.

Jericho: Aww…I can’t believe I came back for this.

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Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Jericho
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

Does anybody remember that Jeff is the Intercontinental Champion? No? Ok. Just checking. Jeff, of course, is already qualified, so the only one who’s actually in this qualifying match is Jericho. Jeff Hardy is just meaningless chaff. At least this time they’re actually admitting it. Seriously, was Val Venis ever really a threat to get in on this? You know what the Money in the Bank match needs actually? A little more Kane. I bet he’d be awesome in one of these matches. Doing moonsaults and all that crap. Better than Shelton Benjamin anyway. Is it obvious yet that I’m stalling for time? Ok!

(ads)

So how drunk was Harrison Ford last night? Seriously, the guy always sounds like he’s about ten cans into a twelve pack, but last night he sounded like he’d drunk Calista Flockhart’s weight in gin and tonics. I should turn this column into an Oscars blog. Did you see Gary Busey all up ons Jennifer Garner? Wasn’t that adorable? Seriously, though, do you really need me to tell you that Chris Jericho’s winning this match? Ok. Good. You know who looks great? Amy Adams. You’re looking fine, young lady. Amy Adams reads the Satire, right? Ok, great.

(ads)

Vince McMahon has come down to the ring. I wonder what he has to say! Let’s listen in.

Vince McMahon: You know, I’ve been thinking a lot since last week, and I was a damn fool for beating up my midget son. That kind of sideshow act is worth a small fortune to a crazy promoter with no respect for the feelings of others like me. And I threw it all away because I wanted to see Fit Finlay cry. What was I thinking? So this one goes out to my little Heartshapedbox, I love you, and I want you to come back home. Now, get me JBL!

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Yes, Mr. McMahon?

Vince: What you did last week, throwing my son repeatedly into a steel cage was wrong. You’re going to pay, mister. You’re going to pay big time!

JBL: Um…I was just doing what you told me to do?

Vince: Real tough guy, huh? Hiding behind your boss? Well, listen here, John! I’m going to tear every hair from your body one by one, and then I’m going to stick you in the shower with Bob Holly!

JBL: Dude…Humptyhump isn’t even your real son!

Vince: What?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?!

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?!

JBL: No! You see, it’s all part of the script! He was never your son! So, last week, after I…um…accidentally rammed his face into that cage 311 times, I grabbed a bit of white out and my best crayons and I changed this whole angle. Now Finlay is Hollyhunter’s father!

Vince: That’s not true! That’s impossible!

JBL: It is true…well, relatively true. And I can prove it! Next week!

Vince: Sure! Why not?

Elsewhere….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOOOO!

Triple H: Hi, John.

Cena:

Got a big match tonight,
Dustin’ up my knuckles,
Gonna beat those two,
Into the turnbuckles!

Randy Orton and Kennedy,
Two fools in one ring,
John Cena and Triple H,
Show them who’s the King!

One guy spitting up water,
The other spitting phat rhymes,
Their opponents drink bleach,
Garnished with little limes!

I’m bringing the pain,
You’re going to bring the fear!
They won’t see us coming,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

HHH: Hey, that’s great, John. Really…wonderful. But I kind of don’t really care. I’m just going to chill out here and listen to “Adia” on my iPod and try to forget that you and Orton even exist for a little while.

Cena: Just a word of warning, Hunter! Watch your back out there tonight, because I won’t!

HHH: It’s kind of hard, actually. With this hair. And my head doesn’t turn all the way back really. So I guess I’ll just have to keep looking forward to when I beat you and Randy for the WWE Spinnin’ Title at Wrestlemania, huh?

Cena: I’m just messing with you, Trips. You know, you’ve got some serious backne going on back here.

HHH: Would you quit watching my back?

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Totally Not Jamal vs. D.H. Smith

Well, Doogie Howser Smith got his entrance anyway. Remember him? He was on for like, a week, and then he got busted for ‘roids? Good times. Anyway, he’s just out here tonight to get punished for that, which is still pretty nice. I wish I had a job that put me on TV as punishment for taking drugs. Maybe Rick’s brother can hook me up? Anyway, Doogie looks like a total jobber, getting smacked in the back of the head and generally roughed up by the fat guy from Deepest Darkest Samoa. I should point out that Not Jamal also got busted in that same crackdown, but I won’t. Thumb to the Eye and this one is over.

Backstage….

William Regal: That boy is smashing! And he’ll be even more smashing when I pick him to be RAW’s representative in the special RAW vs. Smackdown challenge at Wrestlemania some time in the near past.

Paul Burchill: Do you ever notice how everybody always picks Not Jamal to be their evil avatar, but he never wins that particular match?

Regal: Yes. Quite.

Burchill: I’m just sayin’. Hey, Will, remember the time I made you dress up as a wench?

Regal: I do not recall that, no.

Burchill: It was the highlight of my career.

Katie Lea Burchill: I am also in this segment, drinking tea in the background. I just thought I should need to point that out. What do you think of that, Mr. Regal?

Regal: I think that’s just fine, sunshine! Oh! I just rhymed! The future couch has given me rhyming powers!

Burchill: Far be it from me to whore out my sister, but she is the British Lita. She’d make it well worth your while if you could sneak me onto the Wrestlemania card somehow.

Regal: Well, I’ll let you know in two weeks when I’ve arrived back at the present. Maybe I can hook you up with a gimmick battle royal or something.

Burchill: Smashing!

Milk Chocolate M&M: We’re here for our big debut!

Peanut M&M: Yeah, we’ve been working out just like Meltzer said! We’re ready for action.

Regal: Umm…I’m afraid that he meant Eminem. The rapper. And that was a hoax.

Peanut: See, Plain? I told you this was a stupid idea!

Milk Chocolate: Dammit, Peanut, my name is Milk Chocolate! Don‘t you ever call me plain again!

Regal: I hate my job.

(ads)

Lance Cade (w/ Trevor Murdoch) vs. Shawn Michaels

Will this be the week that JR and Lawler talk about how Shawn trained Cade and that that’s the only reason he’s agreed to work this match? No? Damn. I had this week in my pool too. Oh well, I made up for it by totally calling The Bourne Ultimatum for best Sound Editing last night. In your face Transformers! Haha! Shawn locks in his crappy fake Figure Four, but before Cade can even register the excruciating pain that he’s supposed to be in, Murdoch jumps into the ring for the DQ. Cade and Murdoch break Shawn’s nose and then try to break his heart by double teaming him, but Shawn hits them both with a Superkick.

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Shawn Michaels: Ric? Who let you out of your cage? Get backstage right this instant!

Flair: Shawn WOO By God Michaels! Thank you for inducting me into the WOO WWE Hall of Fame last week! It meant so much to me, that I’m going to give you what you always wanted-

Shawn: A pony?!

Flair: A match with the NATURE BOY! WOO! At Wrestlemania!

Shawn: That’s…um…great. Can’t wait to retire you.

Flair: Retire me?! I’m already retired! Retire me?! I’m already retired!

Shawn: Oh, what the hell. Beats working against Kennedy again.

Flair: WOO!

Oh boy! Shaq!

Shaq: What’s this for again? WWE? Man…I love you guys. You guys is great. I can’t wait to retire so I can come be your fat lazy guy! It’s gonna be great. What? Big Show is back? Aw hell. I guess I’ll just have to keep playin’ basketball then. Somebody tell Boris Diaw to pick up my laundry, would you?

(ads)

At ringside….

Mike Adamle: Mike Adamle here alongside my broadcast partner Emeril, and we are live in Gladiator Stadium preparing to see our big main event as Ken Kenkenken and Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, are chased up The Wall by Triple 8 and Joe Cessna! What a contest that should be.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Didn’t The Wall die a couple years ago?

Adamle: It’s plastic. I don’t think it can die. And now, it’s my honor to introduce all you Gladiator fans to the new WWE Hall of Famers!

And they are High Chief Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson. The Rock is even going to induct them! They really missed the boat on this one though. You induct Maivia this year and Rocky next year. That means Rock has to admit he worked for you twice!

Hatori: Wow. It’s really nice to see Maven giving back to the company that cut him loose so unceremoniously. Too bad they couldn’t get The Rock to do it, though.

And now here’s about ten minutes worth of Maria in a thong with little censored bars covering up her gibbly bits. That’s all I have to say about any of that, or else I’ll get sued again.

(ads)

Ken Kennedy and Randy Orton vs. Triple H and John Cena

Kennedy and Hardy were both still rocking their crappy new themes tonight. Poor Jim Johnston worked so hard on them! Not rocking new themes? Randy Orton and John Cena. Hey! APPLEDOUGH! So the story of the match is that pretty much everybody hates each other (including WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiiike Chioda), and so it’s no surprise when Triple H and John Cena spend the first fifteen minutes of things rubbing noses and yelling at each other. Oh, just make out already. I heard Cena likes ‘em scruffy lookin’.

(ads)

This crowd is beside itself with a desire to hate John Cena. I’m sorry, I can’t hate a man who has such a cool shirt. Chris Jericho should take notice. The crowd cheers when Kennedy kicks John in the face. I haven’t been this beside myself since Yau-Man got voted off Survivor again. That guy can’t buy a break on that show. Hunter dumps Orton, and Cena locks in an STFU (much better looking than last week John!), and Kennedy taps after literally ten milliseconds. Hunter sneaks around like he’s going to deliver a PEDIGREE TO CENA, but Kennedy beats him to the punch (so to speak) and hits the Mic Check first. After about twenty minutes of Triple H milling around, they play Kennedy’s music. Meanwhile, I think aliens have kidnapped Randy Orton. Ok, then!

Next Week: Finlay confesses: He’s not actually Irish and he doesn’t really care for fighting all that much. William Regal gets the best of both worlds when Katie Lea pees in his tea while he dances around in her wench costume. And the aliens bring Randy Orton back just in time for him to miss another segment with Triple H and John Cena.

Places of Interest

Sunspire
Silvermoon City
Sunwell Plateau
Zul’Aman
Fairbreeze Village

Eversong Woods serves as the home of the Blood Elves in World of Warcraft. It’s actually one of the most visually attractive and interesting zones in the entire game. The quests are all kind of far flung and not particularily well put together, but of all the starting zones, it was probably the one I was least eager to leave. The woods themselves are quite lovely, and the Scourge Scar running through the middle of the zone is a nice bit of contrast.

Silvermoon City is also a really attractive place, with all the red and gold elvin architecture. Unfortunately, it was designed kind of scattershod, and it’ll take you several trips to map it all out in your mind. The only real road goes out south to the Ghostlands. Past that, the only other way to travel out of Eversong is the Orb of Translocation that will take you to Undercity.

Mining: Copper. There aren’t many copper nodes, but they’re clustered pretty well and are easily accessible. Certainly well enough to get a good start on any mining related professions.

Herbalism: Peacebloom, Silverleaf, Earthroot, Bloodthistle. About as many as your standard starting zones, with the real interesting mark coming from the Blood Elf-only herb, Bloodthistle, which provides a short healing/damage buff.

Cloth: Linen Your best bet are the zombies in the Scar who drop a ton of linen, but they tend to swarm at times, which makes true farming of cloth in the zone a bit more precarious.

Leather: Light Leather, Ruined Scraps Plenty of mobs around that can be skinned for light leather and scraps. Not as plentiful as some of the other zones, but not the worst either.

I don’t like the quests or how it’s laid out, but Eversong Woods is one of the most attractive zones in the whole game. The everlasting fall motif, set against the blandness of the Scar and the attractive Elf buildings, it’s just a really nice place to visit. But you’re probably going to want to level your characters as fast as you can to get away from the dumb quest hubs and confusing layout of Silvermoon quickly.

WWE and MyNetworkTV officially announced today that they have agreed on a contract that will move WWE’s Smackdown to MyNetwork later this year from The CW. On paper, anyway, this seems like a pretty lateral move. MyNetwork has about as much market penetration as CW and for a lot of folks, Smackdown will just be moving back to its old station from a few years ago.

However, MyNetwork isn’t available in every network, including several larger markets, and in some of those markets, it’s only as a cable station or as part of an overlap from other cities. The fact is that its coverage rating is actually somewhat deceiving. However, one could also make the case that The CW’s coverage is about the same now, and UPN’s was even worse when WWE launched Smackdown there several years ago.

The big hit to WWE isn’t even in the move itself. WWE fans will find the programming no matter where it shows up on the dial (whether or not they stay is a completely different issue). Smackdown and RAW have survived high profile moves in the past, MyNetwork should even give WWE the run of the place, so they can put Smackdown on a favorable night (like back on Thursday).

The big problem is, of course, that even if it isn’t, MyNetwork is percieved as a huge step down for WWE and Smackdown, a huge step that it’ll take a while for them to live down. Whether or not they’ll ever raise the stature of MyNetwork enough for it to beconsidered a “worthy” home for a program like Smackdown is yet to be seen, but in the meantime, it looks like they’re playing in the minor leagues again.

The one advantage to this deal? MyNetworkTV is owned by Newscorp, which owns Fox Motion Pictures. Fox Motion Pictures just cut a deal with WWE to distribute WWE Films. Hmm…Coincidence? I think not?

Yeah, so the Oscars were last night. Yes, they were pretentious. Yes, they were bloated. Yes, Harrison Ford was probably about four or five drinks in, but at least everybody seemed to be having a good time.

Maybe the best part of having that much Hollywood in one place and drunk is that people are way more willing to make asses of themselves. Isaac Mizrahi will grab somebody’s boobs or Gary Busey will try to steal Jennifer Garner, or maybe Harrison Ford, Robin Williams, Don Cheadle and Joan Jett will sing a song about how Jimmy Kimmel is having sex with Ben Afflec.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. The Oscars Were On Sunday. Who won? Probably somebody you’ve never heard of. This is the first “event” since the end of the writers strike, so expect Hollywood to turn up in force and extra drunk. Nobody let a live mic anywhere within 500 feet of Jack Nicholson…or Sean Young.

2. Nintendo Dips Its Toes into the Paid Internet Channel Business. Apparently, seeing Microsoft making money hand over fist with XBox Live and Sony with the Playstation Network has Nintendo excited. Starting later this year some games will be charging a small monthly fee to access online content. Rumor has it the test baby for this might be a new Animal Crossing.

3. Sony Bought Its Way to BluRay Victory. Sooo…They only spent $400 million to get Warner to drop support of the HD-DVD format. At least the battle is done. Now I can get back to what’s really important. Not caring about *one* new DVD format.

4. You May Have Heard of These Ringers on American Idol I even wrote a whole update about it. Look, I’m with Paula Abdul, people really are made up of all the colors of the rainbow. Wait…I mean…um…Let’s get drunk? No. No. What I meant to say is, “It doesn’t really matter.” Yeah. Paula Abdul is the great philosopher of our era.

5. John McCain Is Having All Kinds of Trouble. First he’s accused of being seduced by a lobbyist (Anti-Big Lobbies, Pro-Big Boobies!), and now his Arizona campaign advisor was arrested for making illegal land deals. The guy can’t buy a break lately. Well, actually, he probably could thanks to all that lobby and illegal land deal money he’s been raking in.

Last Night: WWE No Way Out featured Triple H winning a date with Michelle McCool much to the chagrin of a very pregnant Stephanie McMahon. The Big Show made his return, much to the chagrin of Floyd Mayweather, whoever that is. And John Cena didn’t win the WWE Title, much to the chagrin of…The Cena family at least. Who will be chagrined…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Triple H is making his way out to the ring. He won the Elimidate Chamber, you know. And if you didn’t know, I’d suggest you go back and read the introduction paragraph again. Slacker. The Satire is not a work to be skimmed! Not to say that this is, in any way, a fictional account.

Triple H: I totally won that date with Michelle McCool! Yay! I’m going to stand on her hair for a while. I hear she totally digs that. So, anybody want to fill me in on what’s been happening here the last couple weeks? I heard that it was actually two weeks ago two weeks in a row or something? Man. See how messed up things when I’m gone? Man. Like last year. Remember Wrestlemania? Me neither, because I wasn’t on it! So…anybody want to come out here and fill me in?

Randy Orton: For teeth! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and holder of the WUD Chocolate Chip! Truly, Triopoly H, it was the greatest two week in the history of our great pork.

HHH: Um…No. Anybody else?

Orton: Jeff Hairpiece beat Shannon Moore! And Vance McClan’s miniature son Hornswoggle bit him in the brass! And Mariza Mozerella Knees Pudge Te-

HHH: ANYBODY else?

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO! YOOOOO! YOOOOOOOO!

HHH: Nobody?

Cena:

Orton Gettin’ Disqualified
For being the biggest ass!
John Cena loses his title shot,
For having the most class!

Livin’ in a time warp,
While Hunter was gone,
Even Spanky wrestled twice,
And Jeff Hardy beat Shawn!

The World’s gone Topsy Turvy,
The Title Belt isn’t Spinnin’!
What kind of place is this,
When even Kennedy’s winnin’?

The one thing you must remember,
One thing should be very clear,
Hunter, Oh my dear Hunter,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

HHH: So nobody’s got any insight then? Nice shirt, by the way.

Cena: Thanks!

William Regal: It doesn’t matter what happened last week! Or whatever week that was! What really matters here gentleman is that if John Cena wins his match tonight against Randy Orton, he’ll be able to get in on the Wrestlemania main event too.

HHH: Heeeey!

Regal: Oh, shove it, Triple Haitch. It’s just as legal as the time you and Shawn Michaels fought whatshisface because Shawn stole the contract. And you can be the referee for tonight’s match.

HHH: That sounds like just the right amount of not work that will appease me. Good show, Mr. Regal!

Regal: I say!

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Jeff Hardy vs. Abe Orton
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

Oh, man! I want a briefcase soooo bad. Can somebody enter me in a match. Put me in there against Shannon Moore or something. They won’t know the difference. Lawler and Ross spend the first ten minutes of this match talking about how every person who’s ever won Money in the Bank has won the WWE Title. Umm…Guys, Ken Kennedy won LAST year and never won the title! I mean, that wasn’t even a year ago yet! Come on! I should also take time to point out that Jeff Hardy, after ten years, finally has new music. And it’s terrible. So he’s got that going for him. Abe knocks Jeff out of the ring and…are we really going to commercial? In this match?!

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Nobody believes Abe is going to win this! What would he even do with a briefcase? Put babies in it? Come to think of it, what’s Jeff going to do with it if he wins? Maybe he can keep his emoetry in there. See, Abe? That’s what it takes to be a real Money in the Bank champion. I think I have the flu right now, so I’m really not up for arguing with WWE over even bothering to put Abe out here tonight. It’s not his fault they’re all idiots. Jeff hits the Twist of Fate and the Swanton for the win. Yay!

At ringside, Jerry Lawler wants us all to know that he likes boobs. Thanks for the update, King! Elsewhere, Floyd Mayweather is existing. Good for him!

(ads)

Now, to Mike Adamle!

Mike Adamle: What a great Eliminator we had last night, folks! Triage H and The Underwearer were the two contestants that were able to successfully scale the Travelator and make their way into Gladiator Arena history! Thanks for joining us folks! For my partner Emeril and me, I’m Mike Adamle, we hope you join us next season for more…AMERICAN GLADIATORS!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Um…Mike?

Adamle: We’re still on air, Emeril! Wait until we fade to black!

Hatori: Yeah, about that. Wrestling season doesn’t end after we run the um…”Eliminator.”

Adamle: It doesn’t?

Hatori: Nope.

Adamle: Well when the hell does it end? I’ve been wearing this tie for two months now!

Hatori: Pretty much never. We exist forever in this constant vortex of suck. Well, until we get fired and wished well on our future endeavors.

Adamle: Geez…Nobody told me that when I signed up for this job!

Hatori: Just intro the next segment.

Adamle: And now, a former WWE Champion…er…he’s great. Awesome. Really. And a guy who I’m sure needs no introduction!

Shawn Michaels: Thanks, Mike! It is my honor to introduce the WWE’s next Hall of Famer. A Living Legend in his own right!

It’s Ric Flair! Doesn’t that mean he has to retire? Oh noes! You just ruined Wrestlemania for me, Shawn!

Shawn: If anybody needs me, I’m going to go bedazzle this vest.

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Remember the Slammy Awards? Well WWE is going to be running an old clip show about them to coincide with the Oscars. Of course it would’ve made more sense to do it with the Grammys, but the Ghost of Owen Hart wasn’t en vogue during Grammy Season.

Paul Burchill (w/ Katie Lea Burchill) vs. Super Crazy

We get Picture-In-Picture of Paul and Katie making skeevy comments about how people are hitting on Katie backstage. Fifty bucks says it’s Matt Hardy and Edge. Just a hunch. Probably Kane, too. Katie looks like she could use a little more Kane. That’d clear her incest right up. That and a dose of penicillin. Wait…Maybe more Kane is the cure for gout. I don’t know. I missed that episode of House. It was the one where he started off all cranky, but then got emotionally invested in the patient’s life, and had some random epiphany and cured them by bringing in special guest star Glen Jacobs. Wait…was that one about Lupus? It doesn’t matter. Burchill wins.

Well, if it isn’t The Big Show! He’s backstage talking to Shane McMahon about how crappy he was at boxing.

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Backstage….

Randy Orton: If it isn’t my breast fiend in the whole wide girl, Triopoly H! Rementor our days back in Electrocution?

Triple H: I’m happy to say that, after years of therapy, I’ve blocked that entire experience out of my mind. Thanks.

Orton: What about when we used toe jam to the hits of Sarah McMahon or play with your cat Norbit?

HHH: While I remember Sarah McLaughlin and Nibblins as clearly as if they were both at home right now watching my daughter-

In Greenwich, Connecticut….

Sarah McLaughlin: Hello, I’m recording artist Sarah McLaughlin. Child abandonment is a serious issue that affects dozens of babies like…uh…little…whatever her name is here. Do what’s right for your baby. Don’t kidnap 90s pop singers and expect them to watch your children.

Nibblins: Meow!

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: What are you doing in my house?!

Sarah McLaughlin: Whoops! Gotta run!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

At the arena….

HHH: -I don’t remember anything about a stable of four wrestlers, including you. I don’t remember you beating some midget for the title, and I certainly never remember you beating me.

Orton: What a retieff! Me neither!

In the ring….

Big Show: Hi guys. It’s me. Remember? I’m not as fat as I used to be, so it’s going to take some time to get adjusted to that, I know. Anyway, I left to go try boxing out, but that didn’t work so hot, so now I’m back here in WWE. And my first night back, what happens? Some random dude hits me in the nose. That hurt! Seriously! Not cool. And what’s with this anyway? The last time I have a big match at Wrestlemania, I have to do Sumo with some Sumo dude, and now I’ve got to box with some boxing dude? Laaaaaame!

Floyd Mayweather has his own Posse and Titantron already. He’s also got his own theme music, which might be Donald Trump’s from last year. What do I care?

Floyd Mayweather: What’s with challenging me? Don’t you know who I am?

Show: Honestly? No. But you’re about two feet tall and even after I’ve lost all this weight, you still weigh about as much as my left nad. Which makes it even more sad that you’re totally going to beat me at Wrestlemania.

Mayweather: I’m 196-0! I’m a boxing Icon! I’m the toughest man in the world!

Not Don King: The attitude of his prestigitude is greater than the longitude of your latitudes! You have my gratitude for listening to my platitudes!

Show: Oh, man, I bet Meltzer’s going to love this. Look, I’m sorry you broke my nose. Now are you in or out for Wrestlemania?

Mayweather: Oh, it’s on! But I don’t know how you expect to defeat me without your own posse!

Show: Oh, the former son of Andre has a posse!

And scene! Ok, which one of these guys is the face? The one who has thirty other guys backing him up, right? MmmmKay!

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Ken Kennedy vs. Val Venis
Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

Oh, come on! They’re not even trying! Val was even “already in the ring.” Just tell us who’s in the match. Kennedy, it should be noted, also has horrible, horrible new theme music. His old music sounded like a rejected Billy Gunn theme, which isn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible. This, however, sounds like a rejected New Jeff Hardy theme, which is about a trillion times worse. James Johnston should be ashamed of himself. KENNEDY! Anyway, Ken wins no problem, as it suddenly dawns on the announcers that maybe every Money in the Bank winner didn’t actually go on to win the World Title. Because…you know…he didn’t.

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Vince McMahon (w/ John Bradshaw Leyfield) vs. Hornswoggle (w/ Dave Finlay)
In a Steel Cage match

Oh, man, if there were ever an excuse to go back to the old blue bars and let Hornswoggle slip through them to escape, this is it. I don’t think he’s getting through the chain links though. Maybe if he sucked in? Speaking of sucking (in), JBL is out here and I think, in Hornswoggle, he’s finally found his perfect feud. A guy who’s in even worse physical condition to have a marquee match at Wrestlemania. Finlay gets handcuffed to the ropes, and Vince leaves the cage for the win. Well, that was…thrilling? JBL then demonstrates about 150 ways to chuck a midget into a steel cage, which is not nearly as exciting as it sounds. Maybe if Doink was doing it? Anyway, yeah. So JBL just chucks Hornswoggle into the cage while Finlay cries (?!), and Vince looks vaguely like he feels guilty for this. Remember when JBL used to love Hornswoggle over on Smackdown? And couldn’t Vince spring to get Farooq out of rehab long enough to hire the whole APA? I mean…Amy Winehouse did it! Oh, and remember when Chris Jericho and JBL hated each other? All these questions and many more will be answered…um…never. Sorry.

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Santino and Maria are out.

Santino Marella: Midgets aren’t-a they hilarious-a? So I-a finally get-a last week’s-a Playboy, and-a what do I-a find in there-a? Maria is-a posing in-a next month’s-a issue!

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): Yeah! I totally shot all those pictures, like, three months before this angle even started!

Marella: But-a I have-a here in my-a hand a contract-a from Hugh-a Heffner that-a says that-a unless you-a beat his lawyer-a Beth Phoenix-a, they will-a not publish next-a month’s magazine-a!

Maria: That’s fool talk! Even I wouldn’t have come up with that. I’m going to make him a million dollars! Maybe less!

Marella: It’s-a wrestling! We make-a things up all-a the time-a! Yay-a!

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Carbbean Cool Marella) (w/ Santino Marella) vs. Beth Phoenix
If Maria Wins She Gets to Pose for Playboy, Like Three Months Ago

Man, don’t you love it when the results of a match are in doubt! Seriously, this has been the longest edition of Internet Heat ever. Maria is wrestling in her street clothes because she didn’t expect to wrestle, however they’re somehow more appropriate for wrestling than her normal ring gear. Beth, hilariously, acts like she’s going to win. Anyway, the finish comes when Boobsie McTitsalot walks to the ring and shows Beth her boobs. Maria wins! We all get to see her boobs! Nobody is happier about that than Boobsie. Nobody’s angrier about that than Santino. Nobody could care less about that than Maria, apparently.

Backstage, Triple H is getting dressed. Well…It’s about time!

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Randy Orton vs. John Cena
Special Guest Referee Triple H and If John Cena Wins He’s GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Hunter looks like he’s thrilled to be there. Thanks for coming out tonight, Hunter! Actually, he’s one of the guys who actually looks cooler in a referee’s uniform. Like WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Orton goes to work on locking in a CHINLOCK~! The crowd is impressive in its ability to boo everyone involved except HHH equally. Cena jumps onto the announce table for no reason. Have you seen his new T-Shirt yet? A winner is it! Seriously though…Good marketing, y’all.

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Cena tries to grab Orton in an FU, but Randy won’t let him. Cena proceeds to lock in the STFU. Ok, I’ll admit it. I don’t really have any problems with this as a move, or even as a finisher. But in this particular case? He’s just laying on Orton’s back and giving him a hug. I mean…it’s cute and all, but laaaaaame. Orton, somehow, manages to avoid tapping out to this awesome rest hold. HHH and Cena argue for a bit about whether or not that last three minutes was even effective, but when Orton comes to join the discussion, he gets hit with an FU. Cena wins! JOHN CENA IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! Umm…AGAIN! After the match, HHH nails the PEDIGREE TO CENA! And then the PEDIGREE TO ORTON! Hell yeah! Screw all of you guys!

Next Week: Big Show goes to the hospital to challenge Hornswoggle to a boxing match. Ric Flair’s manboobs are enshrined on a Hall of Fame plaque. And Eminem debutes in WWE!

Places of Interest

Undercity
Brill
Deathknell
Scarlet Monestary

The home of the Forsaken, Tirisfal Glades is kind of a unique little place. More than just about any of the Hordes’ areas, you’ll find a big mix of starting characters, higher level characters hanging out in the stupid maze that is Undercity, and mid-range characters running Scarlet Monestary. Hell, even the Alliance runs characters through there for SM fairly often. There’s not a *ton* to do in Tirisfal, but enough to keep players engaged for a good amount of time.

You’ll either learn to love or hate Undercity, which always has a lot going on, but is confusing to navigate and not particularily accessable. Speaking of not being terribly accessible, travel to and from Tirisfal isn’t the easiest. Roads go out to Silverpine and Alterac, a teleporter will take you to Eversong Woods, and zepplins run to Durotar and Stranglethorn Vale.

Mining: Copper. Not particularily plentiful, but it’s there if you’re looking for it, especially around the edges of the zone.

Herbalism: Peacebloom, Silverleaf, Earthroot. There’s plenty of low level herbs around the fields and forests of the zone, certainly enough for a starter alchemist to get his or her bearings.

Cloth: Linen, Wool, Silk There are plenty of humanoids in the zone that drop plenty of linen. If you’re high enough level, you can traverse up near the Scarlet Monestary to pick up some wool and silk as well.

Leather: Light Leather, Ruined Scraps Just like your normal starting zones, there’s plenty of opportunities to pick up some low level leathers, though the actually number of “beasts” isn’t as favorable as some other zones.

Tirisfal is maybe my favorite Horde starting zone. It always feels like there’s something going on, and there’s all kinds of different enemies and terrain. That Undercity is my least favorite starting city pretty much ever taints my opinion of the zone as a whole a little bit, but you know what? It’s not a bad place to hang out for 10 levels or so.

You may have heard, but the production team of American Idol has come under some fire this year because a significant number of Idol contestants this season have had professional singing experience before coming on the show. Now that’s not new certainly (Taylor Hicks was in a traveling band, Melinda Doolittle and that other guy from last year were pro-background singers, Blake Lewis performed throughout Seattle, Katherine McPhee had a bunch of industry contacts, etc. etc), but it’s certainly a bigger deal this year than it was in the past.

Here’s an overview of this year’s ringers and their odds of making it on Idol.

Carly Smithson:

Why She’s a Ringer? She had an album released in Europe and the States to little fanfare under her maiden name (Carly Hennesy).

Does It Help Her? Yes, because she’s vocally and mentally more prepared for this side of the industry than most of the other contestants. Obviously, she’s already been through the pressures before, and she’s far more equipped than your average Jane to deal with the press and pressure that comes from being on this show. It should be noted that Simon Cowell has spent he last two years sulking because a Visa problem prevented her from being on the show that season.

Odds – 2:1 It’s also hard to deny that she’s probably got the best voice of any of the female singers this year. If she wins, it’s not just because she’s recorded an album before.

Michael Johns:

Why He’s a Ringer? He was the lead singer of a few rock bands back when sounding like Bush made you popular again.

Does It Help Him? Yes and no. He was, at least, the lead singer of the bands and his charisma is undeniable. It’s hard to argue with his past successes (however minor). But just like Daughtry, Bo Bice, and whatever other “rock” guys that have been on the show in the past, it’s going to be awfully easy to label and shelf him.

Odds – 2:1 Fortunately for Mr. Johns, he’s charming and has a charming accent, which should help him in the fan voting even after this “scandal” dies down. If his peformance of “Bohemian Rhapsody” is any indication, he has a heck of a voice too.

Kristy Lee Cook:

Why She’s a Ringer? Britney Spears’ managment signed her to an album deal in the late ’90s, but they couldn’t push her CD out the door before the whole teen diva fad had died out.

Does It Help Her? Not really, no. She never got a record in stores, never toured, and didn’t really have much experience with performing at 16. All this proves is that she’s blonde and has an ok voice.

Odds – 5:1 Well, and also that she’s pretty, though that’s pretty skeevy of me to say about a (then) 16 year old, isn’t it? She’s pretty now too, which certainly ups her odds. The biggest problem? She’s sucked on anything that wasn’t “Amazing Grace” so I wouldn’t put any money on her to succeed.

David Archuleta:

Why He’s a Ringer? He won the lame version of Star Search a couple years ago.

Does It Help Him? Not as much as you think. While it certainly aids his public performance skills and such, he was only 12 when he was on Star Search, and so I don’t know how much of that will actually translate to today.

Odds – 8:1 He’s likable and a good singer, but he’s got no chance of winning this kind of show. In Star Search he was, no doubt, competing against a ventriloquist and some dude juggling rabbits. This is a whole different ballgame, and while it’ll help him get sympathy votes in the early rounds, his paralyzed vocal cord sound won’t carry.

Joanne Borgella:

Why She’s a Ringer? She won the Mo’Nique Fat Chance Fashion Show on Oxygen.

Does It Help Her? Sort of yes and sort of no. Winning a beauty pagent/reality show is a little different than winning a singing contest/reality show. And before you say anything about American Idol being a beauty pagent, remember that Fantasia won and Taylor Hicks beat Katherine McPhee.

Odds – 12:1 She’s a lovely girl with a nice voice, but I don’t think she’s going anywhere. She’s kind of only a ringer in that she’s a reality show whore. She’s this genre’s Boston Rob.

Robbie Carrico:

Why He’s a Ringer? Like everyone else, he was a member of a boy band in the late 90s. He also dated Britney when she was still crazy, so he’s got that.

Does It Help Him? The being in a boy band? Yes. That’s exactly the type of male that makes it into the top 10ish. The fact that I just looked up his band on Google (Boyz-N-Girlz United) and immediately recognized their name scares the hell out of me. The dating Britney? Noooooo. No. No.

Odds – 17:1 He’s exactly the type of contestant that will make some ground on this kind of show, but will never win. I can easily see him placing 8th, but not much higher or lower, based on resume alone. He’s trying for Michael Johns’ “Rocker” label, but Cowell called him on it tonight. Well played, Simon!

There are a few others, but most of them don’t have a chance (Brooke White), are just regular ol’ models (Amy Davis), are people who don’t strike me as big threats once things heat up (Kady Malloy), or were random contestants on other lame reality shows (Syesha Mercado).

Is it bad for business for AI to be dabbling in having real singers be on the show? Hell no! Wasn’t one of the big complaints last year that everybody but Blake, Melinda and Jordin sucked nine nights out of ten? Why not cut the chaff and actually be a competition between twenty four of the best unsigned singers in America? That actually is the basis for the show, you know? How many superstars do you think you’ll actually find working the late shift at the deep fryer at KFC anyway? And if you do find one? All the better, because that’s what the audition rounds are for.

I, for one, welcome our new overlords that can actually sing. Sorry Sanjaya

A lot of credit was given to this year’s NBA All Star Game Slam Dunk Contest for being the best and most creative since the days of Spud Webb and Michael Jordan.

I won’t say that much, but Gerald Green blowing out a Birthday Candle and Dwight Howard playing Superman were still more entertaining than most things you see in the NBA nowadays.

The most disapointing thing (other than Green blowing his candle load in the first round)? Rudy Gay, who basically took over YouTube for two months looking for users to submit dunks for him to try. No idea if he did try any of them, but he was laaaaame.

Check it out for yourself.