Last Week: There was an awesome confrontation between Some Boxing Guy and The Big Show. Also, one between Vince McMahon and a Midget. And I think THE CHAMP WAS HERE! Will he be here…TONIGHT?!
William Regal is in the ring. Maybe he’ll have something to say!
William Regal: I have something to say. I’d like very much to take pictures of the lovely chaps in the Wrestlemania main event to get their pictures taken together. We’ll use it on the programs or WWE Magazine or some such thing. It’s really just an excuse to get you all in the ring together to start the show.
Triple H: And to use the red carpet!
John Cena: I feel like the Oscars!
HHH: Did you guys see Maven last night? That guy really looks sharp. He’s got a bright future ahead of him.
Randy Orton: Insoothe, Triopoly H, I didst not see thine Otters or Martin last night becost I was too buzzy preparating myself for our match at Wigglestralia!
HHH: You’re just lucky I’m feeling too lazy for the PEDIGREE TO ORTON!, Mister.
Cena: I’m tired of you always being a big jerk to everybody, you big jerk! Just because you were the referee for the match last week doesn’t mean you can go around hitting everybody with a Pedigree, ok?
Orton: I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, must resolvingly agree with my easy steamed college here. You can’t not go around hinting everyone with your Pedagogue.
Cena: So it looks like I’m going to be like Superman and shoot you both with my laser eyes!
Orton: Hold on there, Mr. Cedar! I don’t not agree with you, Easter! After all, I have progression of the WUD Chocolate Chip, and what is it you always bray? THE CHANCE IS FEAR?! Well, Mr. Cedar, I have some wing to say to you! DESTINY FOR ORTON!
At that, Hunter and Cena fall over at Orton’s stupidity. Orton wins!! RANDY ORTON IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
Regal: Well, that went splendidly, I think.
Ken Kennedy: Oh boy! A backstage segment! I can’t wait to see what it’s about!
Randy Orton: Mister Kenerly! My breast fiend!
Kennedy: I take that all back.
Orton: I am to understand that you are in the Monkey on the Brink Laughter Match at this year’s Wigglestralia! Best of muck!
Kennedy: If I win that briefcase again, I’m cashing it in right away. No waiting for me to get injured again! I’m going to come right on down there and beat whoever is champion. Especially if it’s you. Loser.
Orton: That’s the spirits!
Carlito Caribbean Cool and Santino Marella (w/ Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) vs. Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly
For the WWE Tag Team Titles
Too many names still. Santino throws Cody at Carlito to start. Where’d that come from? Restrain your hostility guys! Or you’ll never get on Wrestlemania! Hahaha…Seriously, though. None of you are getting on Wrestlemania. Ok, well, Maria and Santino will get a cameo. Speaking of cameos, Jerry Lawler wings his crown at Maria’s ass. Maybe he’s going to give her the other glove for this outfit. No, he just wants her to come and talk about her boobs. Well, that’s as good an excuse as any. Unfortunately, Santino still has no concept of the temporal relations of this whole thing, and he starts bitching out Lawler. Oooh! Or maybe he’s starting to remember that he and Jerry used to hate each other! How meta of you! Oh, forget it. He just go beat by Hardcore Holly. Sigh. After the match, Maria apologizes for having a crown hit her ass, and…really. She was asking for it.
The Wrestlemania Press Conference was last week…and in L.A. for some reason. Are we sure this isn’t just stock footage. If anybody sees Booker T or Benoit in there, let me know. Oh, wait, here’s Floyd Mayweather. He’s challenging the Big Show and wearing a bedazzled Yankees hat. I guess earning $20 million to pretend to beat up a big fat guy will make you do all kinds of crazy things.
Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with William Regal.
Todd Grisham: It’s a damn shame I’ll never be nominated for an Emmy for appearing in this stupid show with you.
William Regal: That’s not even appropriate, Todd. The Oscars were last night. Not the Emmys.
Grisham: Oh, what does it matter? I thought we were ignoring the laws of time and space around here now? Isn’t that the hot new thing? Oh, William Regal! It’s two weeks from now right now on this side of the couch, and you’re about to book Ken Kennedy and Randy Orton vs. Triple H and John Cena! OooooOOoooo!
Regal: Smashing good idea, future Todd! Can you tell me this week’s lotto numbers as well?
Grisham: NO! No, I cannot and I will not! Because I hate you. And also because I was lying! This side of the couch is on the same week as that side of the couch, you idiot!
Regal: Aha! So I’m two weeks ahead of myself as well! I should write myself a note with two weeks ago’s lotto numbers!
Grisham: It’s STILL THIS WEEK! SHUT UP!
Todd Grisham chokes himself with a watch. Todd Grisham has fallen.
Regal: Yes. Quite.
Chris Jericho: Hey, Will! Want me to piss in your tea again?
Regal: I’m sorry, Mr. Jericho, but I’m from the future. Talking to you would constitute a violation of the space time continuum.
Jericho: Riiight. Hey, let me know when you’re back from the future, would you?
Regal: Great Scot!
Rory McAllister: Aw, I’m not that great. Hey, Chris, William Regal of Wrestlemanias Past wants you to know that you’re taking on Jeff Hardy in a Money in the Bank Ladder match here tonight as punishment for pissing in his tea.
Jericho: Aww…I can’t believe I came back for this.
Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Jericho
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
Does anybody remember that Jeff is the Intercontinental Champion? No? Ok. Just checking. Jeff, of course, is already qualified, so the only one who’s actually in this qualifying match is Jericho. Jeff Hardy is just meaningless chaff. At least this time they’re actually admitting it. Seriously, was Val Venis ever really a threat to get in on this? You know what the Money in the Bank match needs actually? A little more Kane. I bet he’d be awesome in one of these matches. Doing moonsaults and all that crap. Better than Shelton Benjamin anyway. Is it obvious yet that I’m stalling for time? Ok!
So how drunk was Harrison Ford last night? Seriously, the guy always sounds like he’s about ten cans into a twelve pack, but last night he sounded like he’d drunk Calista Flockhart’s weight in gin and tonics. I should turn this column into an Oscars blog. Did you see Gary Busey all up ons Jennifer Garner? Wasn’t that adorable? Seriously, though, do you really need me to tell you that Chris Jericho’s winning this match? Ok. Good. You know who looks great? Amy Adams. You’re looking fine, young lady. Amy Adams reads the Satire, right? Ok, great.
Vince McMahon has come down to the ring. I wonder what he has to say! Let’s listen in.
Vince McMahon: You know, I’ve been thinking a lot since last week, and I was a damn fool for beating up my midget son. That kind of sideshow act is worth a small fortune to a crazy promoter with no respect for the feelings of others like me. And I threw it all away because I wanted to see Fit Finlay cry. What was I thinking? So this one goes out to my little Heartshapedbox, I love you, and I want you to come back home. Now, get me JBL!
John Bradshaw Leyfield: Yes, Mr. McMahon?
Vince: What you did last week, throwing my son repeatedly into a steel cage was wrong. You’re going to pay, mister. You’re going to pay big time!
JBL: Um…I was just doing what you told me to do?
Vince: Real tough guy, huh? Hiding behind your boss? Well, listen here, John! I’m going to tear every hair from your body one by one, and then I’m going to stick you in the shower with Bob Holly!
JBL: Dude…Humptyhump isn’t even your real son!
Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?!
Sean Cold Val Venis: What?!
JBL: No! You see, it’s all part of the script! He was never your son! So, last week, after I…um…accidentally rammed his face into that cage 311 times, I grabbed a bit of white out and my best crayons and I changed this whole angle. Now Finlay is Hollyhunter’s father!
Vince: That’s not true! That’s impossible!
JBL: It is true…well, relatively true. And I can prove it! Next week!
Vince: Sure! Why not?
John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOOOO!
Triple H: Hi, John.
Got a big match tonight,
Dustin’ up my knuckles,
Gonna beat those two,
Into the turnbuckles!
Randy Orton and Kennedy,
Two fools in one ring,
John Cena and Triple H,
Show them who’s the King!
One guy spitting up water,
The other spitting phat rhymes,
Their opponents drink bleach,
Garnished with little limes!
I’m bringing the pain,
You’re going to bring the fear!
They won’t see us coming,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!
HHH: Hey, that’s great, John. Really…wonderful. But I kind of don’t really care. I’m just going to chill out here and listen to “Adia” on my iPod and try to forget that you and Orton even exist for a little while.
Cena: Just a word of warning, Hunter! Watch your back out there tonight, because I won’t!
HHH: It’s kind of hard, actually. With this hair. And my head doesn’t turn all the way back really. So I guess I’ll just have to keep looking forward to when I beat you and Randy for the WWE Spinnin’ Title at Wrestlemania, huh?
Cena: I’m just messing with you, Trips. You know, you’ve got some serious backne going on back here.
HHH: Would you quit watching my back?
Totally Not Jamal vs. D.H. Smith
Well, Doogie Howser Smith got his entrance anyway. Remember him? He was on for like, a week, and then he got busted for ‘roids? Good times. Anyway, he’s just out here tonight to get punished for that, which is still pretty nice. I wish I had a job that put me on TV as punishment for taking drugs. Maybe Rick’s brother can hook me up? Anyway, Doogie looks like a total jobber, getting smacked in the back of the head and generally roughed up by the fat guy from Deepest Darkest Samoa. I should point out that Not Jamal also got busted in that same crackdown, but I won’t. Thumb to the Eye and this one is over.
William Regal: That boy is smashing! And he’ll be even more smashing when I pick him to be RAW’s representative in the special RAW vs. Smackdown challenge at Wrestlemania some time in the near past.
Paul Burchill: Do you ever notice how everybody always picks Not Jamal to be their evil avatar, but he never wins that particular match?
Regal: Yes. Quite.
Burchill: I’m just sayin’. Hey, Will, remember the time I made you dress up as a wench?
Regal: I do not recall that, no.
Burchill: It was the highlight of my career.
Katie Lea Burchill: I am also in this segment, drinking tea in the background. I just thought I should need to point that out. What do you think of that, Mr. Regal?
Regal: I think that’s just fine, sunshine! Oh! I just rhymed! The future couch has given me rhyming powers!
Burchill: Far be it from me to whore out my sister, but she is the British Lita. She’d make it well worth your while if you could sneak me onto the Wrestlemania card somehow.
Regal: Well, I’ll let you know in two weeks when I’ve arrived back at the present. Maybe I can hook you up with a gimmick battle royal or something.
Milk Chocolate M&M: We’re here for our big debut!
Peanut M&M: Yeah, we’ve been working out just like Meltzer said! We’re ready for action.
Regal: Umm…I’m afraid that he meant Eminem. The rapper. And that was a hoax.
Peanut: See, Plain? I told you this was a stupid idea!
Milk Chocolate: Dammit, Peanut, my name is Milk Chocolate! Don‘t you ever call me plain again!
Regal: I hate my job.
Lance Cade (w/ Trevor Murdoch) vs. Shawn Michaels
Will this be the week that JR and Lawler talk about how Shawn trained Cade and that that’s the only reason he’s agreed to work this match? No? Damn. I had this week in my pool too. Oh well, I made up for it by totally calling The Bourne Ultimatum for best Sound Editing last night. In your face Transformers! Haha! Shawn locks in his crappy fake Figure Four, but before Cade can even register the excruciating pain that he’s supposed to be in, Murdoch jumps into the ring for the DQ. Cade and Murdoch break Shawn’s nose and then try to break his heart by double teaming him, but Shawn hits them both with a Superkick.
Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!
Shawn Michaels: Ric? Who let you out of your cage? Get backstage right this instant!
Flair: Shawn WOO By God Michaels! Thank you for inducting me into the WOO WWE Hall of Fame last week! It meant so much to me, that I’m going to give you what you always wanted-
Shawn: A pony?!
Flair: A match with the NATURE BOY! WOO! At Wrestlemania!
Shawn: That’s…um…great. Can’t wait to retire you.
Flair: Retire me?! I’m already retired! Retire me?! I’m already retired!
Shawn: Oh, what the hell. Beats working against Kennedy again.
Oh boy! Shaq!
Shaq: What’s this for again? WWE? Man…I love you guys. You guys is great. I can’t wait to retire so I can come be your fat lazy guy! It’s gonna be great. What? Big Show is back? Aw hell. I guess I’ll just have to keep playin’ basketball then. Somebody tell Boris Diaw to pick up my laundry, would you?
Mike Adamle: Mike Adamle here alongside my broadcast partner Emeril, and we are live in Gladiator Stadium preparing to see our big main event as Ken Kenkenken and Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, are chased up The Wall by Triple 8 and Joe Cessna! What a contest that should be.
Dr. Yukio Hatori: Didn’t The Wall die a couple years ago?
Adamle: It’s plastic. I don’t think it can die. And now, it’s my honor to introduce all you Gladiator fans to the new WWE Hall of Famers!
And they are High Chief Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson. The Rock is even going to induct them! They really missed the boat on this one though. You induct Maivia this year and Rocky next year. That means Rock has to admit he worked for you twice!
Hatori: Wow. It’s really nice to see Maven giving back to the company that cut him loose so unceremoniously. Too bad they couldn’t get The Rock to do it, though.
And now here’s about ten minutes worth of Maria in a thong with little censored bars covering up her gibbly bits. That’s all I have to say about any of that, or else I’ll get sued again.
Ken Kennedy and Randy Orton vs. Triple H and John Cena
Kennedy and Hardy were both still rocking their crappy new themes tonight. Poor Jim Johnston worked so hard on them! Not rocking new themes? Randy Orton and John Cena. Hey! APPLEDOUGH! So the story of the match is that pretty much everybody hates each other (including WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiiike Chioda), and so it’s no surprise when Triple H and John Cena spend the first fifteen minutes of things rubbing noses and yelling at each other. Oh, just make out already. I heard Cena likes ‘em scruffy lookin’.
This crowd is beside itself with a desire to hate John Cena. I’m sorry, I can’t hate a man who has such a cool shirt. Chris Jericho should take notice. The crowd cheers when Kennedy kicks John in the face. I haven’t been this beside myself since Yau-Man got voted off Survivor again. That guy can’t buy a break on that show. Hunter dumps Orton, and Cena locks in an STFU (much better looking than last week John!), and Kennedy taps after literally ten milliseconds. Hunter sneaks around like he’s going to deliver a PEDIGREE TO CENA, but Kennedy beats him to the punch (so to speak) and hits the Mic Check first. After about twenty minutes of Triple H milling around, they play Kennedy’s music. Meanwhile, I think aliens have kidnapped Randy Orton. Ok, then!
Next Week: Finlay confesses: He’s not actually Irish and he doesn’t really care for fighting all that much. William Regal gets the best of both worlds when Katie Lea pees in his tea while he dances around in her wench costume. And the aliens bring Randy Orton back just in time for him to miss another segment with Triple H and John Cena.