No guest mentor tonight because they’re all giving back right now. But trust me, as soon as they’re done they’re going to come in and beat the shit out of Cook for stealing their arangments. Hey! Bill Ford, the CEO of Ford Motor Company gets his own chyron! Maybe he’s the guest mentor tonight. His advice? Buy a car! A Ford even! The theme? Songs that inspire you. You’re no Gwen Stefani, though.
Dude, Paula’s breasts are about to knock the crap out of Simon, right now.
Singing: “Dream On” by Aerosmith.
What Inspires Him?: Being from Australia. Also: Ascots.
Performance: Seriously, though. Is this some big fad in L.A.’s Australian district that I don’t know about? I thought I was up on my stupid fashion trends. His performance? Very even, and boardering on pretty good in parts. I’m with Randy that this isn’t where his career is going, but it wasn’t bad.
Judges Say: Didn’t you get the memo? You’re supposed to be our “Blues Singer.”
I Say: Good except for the screechy parts.
Singing: “I Believe” by Fantaaaaaasia
What Inspires Her?: Using her iPod as a mirror. And GIVING BACK!
Performance: Predictably boring in all the predictably boring ways. I don’t think she could kill me like Fantasia could, so I don’t have to pretend to like this song. The girl’s hair is out of control too. I’m begining to think she doesn’t read this blog.
Judges Say: Not as good as Fantasia, dawg.
I Say: And you’re not mean enough to pull it off!
Change: +/- 0
Singing: “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo Ole’
What Inspires Him?: Hope, dreams, and tons of weed.
Performance: HOLY SHIT! UKULELE ALERT~! He’s totally singing it in his whispy, dead-eyed Jason Castro way, but all is forgiven because it takes a MAN to go nuts up there with the ukulele. Why didn’t Chikezie think of this?!
Judges Say: Paula’s breasts want to steal his ukulele, if you know what I mean. Wait…what?
I Say: I hated it, but come one…Fuckin’ Ukulele, man!
Kristy Lee Cook
Singing: “Anyway” by Martina McBride
What Inspires Her?: I love how Ryan’s all, “And next in the bottom three…” and then Kristy’s video package response is all, “Fuck you America! I’ll do what I want!” Wardrobe went a little nuts with the Bedazzler budget this week. In terms of singing and performance, this is her best week of the whole competition, actually. Good song choice, decent vocals. Check out the Lee Press on Nails too! It’s like we’re at the prom, y’all!
Judges Say: When the song choice is this big, you finally got a good song.
I Say: She looks awful, but she sounded just fine.
Score: +/- 0
Singing: “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace
What Inspires Him?: Canadians.
Performance: Oh, awesome. A cancer song. Way to put me in a tough spot here, jerk. Seriously though, towards the end of the song it starts being ok, but the beginning is kind of a mess. It’s a lot like a Daughtry song in that way, which is fine because everything he does, he does it at Chris’ altar. OMG GIVE BACK ON HIS HAND! WTF?!
Judges Say: Not sure about the Michael Jackson jacket, but not your best performance.
I Say: Cheesy and not nearly as good as he’s been.
Singing: “The Show Must Go On” by Queen
What Inspires Her?: Being unfairly forced off her record label! She’ll show them!
Performance: Apparently “looking more like a star” to Carly means dressing like a blackjack dealer on her break. I’m lovin’ the 10,000 Violins arrangment, but this song never really hit it’s mark for me. I though maybe it was because it didn’t fit her voice, but listening to it again, it totally did, but I still didn’t like it. She gets a good line about how seeing Simon freaked her out.
Judges Say: It didn’t hit it’s mark, and you’re not connecting with the audience.
I Say: I feel like giving back…THIS SONG! OH! BURN! …Sorry.
Score: +/- 0
Singing: “Angels” by Robbie Williams
What Inspires Him?: Squinting at the Light at the End of the Tunnel.
Performance: Oh, back to the piano! No more hot dance moves for you, David! He should do the Jessica Simpson cover of this song. He does that thing where he sings fine but has no emotion on his face at all. Also the gasping. But he sang fine. Gotta be positive, right?
Judges Say: We love you and are afraid of your dad.
I Say: You should teach Jordin Sparks to sing, and in return she will teach you how to fake cry on stage.
Singing: “You’ve Got a Friend” by Carole King
What Inspires Her?: The light of the world, which is currently blinding Archuletta.
Performance: Brooke needs to pull out the glasses for a performance. That’s hot. She’s eschewed her piano skillz for a player, which makes this feel kind of like a lounge act right off the bat. The actual performance is one of her weaker ones. I hate when she sings without some kind of instrument, because she’s so awkward. I still love her voice, but the whole performance was kind of goofy.
Judges Say: Nothing special, but very pleasant.
I Say: Get this girl a Ukulele!
Change: +/- 0
Pretty standard boring stuff this week. Nobody hit any home runs, so the voting is going to be interesting. Watching it on playback, not a single song stuck out to me as anything really memorable. Even the pretty good performances were were goofy and weird at best.
Kristy Lee Cook
Sayesha Mercado. You can only coast for so long in this competition. She hasn’t had a single memorable performance, and it’s that time in the competition when the coasters start going down.