Last Week: Triple H just couldn’t get off the couch. The Ghostly Visage of Jeff Hardy appeared with a warning about wrestling fat Samoans. And Randy Orton won the WWE Women’s Title. I think? Who will win the Women’s Title…TONIGHT?!
ACT I, Scene I: Outside a Large Town.
(Enter Triple H and a Rather Officious Looking Penguin)
Triple H: Say ho, good penguin! We have returned unto the present!
Rather Officious Looking Penguin: Alas, sir, I do fear we have not. I believe mine calculations were quite incorrect. We seem to have come upon some ill-begotten past realm.
(Enter King Regal being attended to by two Guards)
King Regal: What magic is this?! A man in not but a cloth for his loins and a talking bird of the kind mine eyes have never laid upon! Guards! Seize thee these two until we learn what manner of witchcraft has fallen upon my land.
(The Guards move cautiously to take the nearly naked man and bird into custody)
HHH: Noble king, I beseech you! Hear me out! We are but travelers from a far off land! We only seek boarding for the night until we may continue on our journey.
Regal: And to what end do you undertake this “journey” of yours?
HHH: We mean to return to our land, where I am the Champion and King of Kings.
Regal: I say! Let us away to mine castle. We have much to discuss.
(in Order of Appearance)
Jeff Hardy A wild drunkard, fancies himself a poet
Totally Not Jamal A fat drunkard, not named Jamal
Chorus A narrative aid
Chris Jericho A noble of ill-repute
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” The town dunce
King William the Regal The King of the township
Sir Ken Kennedy A loudmouth and braggart
High King Vince McMahon The King of the Greater Lands
Melina The dominate wench
Beth Phoenix The head wench
Maria The floozy wench
The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker A mysterious voice
Alexis Laree The naked wench
Katie Lea Burchill The buxom wench
Shawn Michaels A righteous friar
Ric Flair A crazy old man
The Spoony Bard A spoony bard
“The Million Pence Man” Ted DiBiase A rather wealthy lord
Santino Marella An Italian
Sal Someone’s cousin
Roddy the Piper A piper
Prince Theodore the Long A Prince with an odd nickname
Todd Grisham A well adjusted young man
Scott Hall A drunken vagabond
Kevin Nash A man with luxurious hair
Triple H A captain and wannabe noble
Randy Orton The town’s elected “major”
John Bradshaw Leyfield The town’s chief bully
John Cena The Fool
ACT I, Scene Two: In a Lovely Meadow
Enter Jeff Hardy.
Jeff Hardy: What a wonderful day this is! Greetings, Sir Flower. A good morning to you, Madame Butterfly. Why, on a day such as this, I feel as though I absolutely must recite some of my poetry to the world!
Alas, my love is gone,
Replaced hitherto by th’ apocathary!
Is this world just a dream?
Or am I just
Totally Not Jamal: BLLLLEAAAAAAH!
Jeff Hardy vs. Totally Not Jamal
The two combatants battle back and forth for a few minutes with Hardy’s self-medication and Not Jamal’s drunkenness getting the better of them more than their opponents. Quickly, however, Not Jamal’s size comes into play and he is able to subdue his smaller opponent. After some amusing futzing about under his rotund opponent’s impressive girth, Hardy is able to escape and run off towards the village with Not Jamal in somewhat slow pursuit.
Chorus: There is no winner! These two men have fought to a draw!
Jeff Hardy and Totally Not Jamal exit left as Chris Jericho and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” enter right.
Chris Jericho: I do not even care for Mr. Michaels’ skullduggery in the least. I have finished my quarrel with both of you. A box on thee and thine families!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Methinks you doth protest too MUCH!
Jericho: Mayhaps, Mr. Davidson, you would prefer we settle this like gentlemen. A sporting contest upon this very field in which the winner gets to challenge that braggard Michaels to a duel himself.
Batista: But thine body is too wracked with pain to provide much CONTEST!
Jericho: Be thou afraid of mine abilities? Even injured as such, I believe I can best you!
Batista: Very well, SIR! I will pick up thine GAUNTLET!
Jericho: Blue elf has shot the food!
ACT I, Scene 3: In King Regal’s throne room.
Enter King Regal alone, in the dark.
King Regal: This carnival will be the most extreme carnival in memory! That is, unless this Triple H fellow and his odd bird puts an end to our frivolity. I mustn’t dwell on this however, I must press ahead. What a wonderful carnival this will be! We will set those blighters Jeff Hardy and Totally Not Jamal against each other in the town square, and hopefully one of them will finally end up face down in the pig slop this time. And this Hunter, if he wishes to pass through these lands unfettered, he will have to team with his jester to fight our local brutes!
Enter Ken Kennedy.
Ken Kennedy: Ay there, your Kingship! It is I, the right noble Ken Kennedy late of the Green Bay!
Regal: Fie! Sir Kennedy, I know thee too well. What pretense have you to interrupt my deepest thoughts? Do you wish punishment to rain upon thine head like arrows on the field of blood?
Kennedy: I am throwing down the gauntlet, good sir. I challenge you t a duel!
Regal: Me? Thy king? You canst challenge me to a duel no more than a donkey can play Nine Men’s Morris with a goat! There is none above me and you should do well to remember that.
Enter High King Vince McMahon from the other side of the room.
High King Vince McMahon: None higher than you, you say?
Regal: Your majesty! I knew not that you’d visited my fine fifedom!
Kennedy: His lordship was just telling me that he was the ruler of this land.
Vince: Quiet, Sir Kennedy! I have as little patience for you as I do a serving wench. However, I must say that as little as I have cared for the people of these lands, I have come because they cry out even now that King Regal has failed to lead his people to the glory expected in this kingdom. So, as High King, I say that you shall duel Sir Kennedy, and the loser will be drawn and QUARRRRRRRRRTERED!
Kennedy: Aye! A sound plan indeed, your kingship!
Regal: My kingdom for an apocathary!
ACT I, Scene 4: In the lovely meadow.
Enter Melina, who quickly hides behind the Chorus’ dais. Enter Beth Phoenix and Maria whom are fighting over a small wedge of cheese.
Beth Phoenix vs. Maria
The smaller Maria makes a few moves to use her speed to get across the meadow with the cheese, but Beth overpowers her in short order. Beth makes a few disparaging remarks about how Maria’s image was drawn in the nude in the latest fashion papers from Paris, and then throws her down a nearby well.
Chorus: Alas! The Valkyrie needs food badly!
Melina reveals herself from behind the dais.
Chorus: A new challenger approaches!
Melina attempts to run in and steal the cheese before Beth has a chance to devour it, but Beth quickly turns the tables and dumps her down the well also.
Chorus: Here there would be a scene about pie and Jimmy Kimmel, but that wasn’t in the budget. Sorry!
The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: That doesn’t really fit with the continuity we’re telling here.
Chorus: Cram it up your arse. Shouldn’t you be haunting Vickie Guerrero right now, speaking of continuity?
ACT I, Scene 6: In the dining room.
Enter Alexis Laree and Katie Lea Burchill carrying a butter churn.
Katie Lea Burchill: I doth not know how you came to be head wench. Your only focus is on your dalliances with the Fool!
Alexis Laree: I say, do you not see me churning the butter? Besides, ‘tis better that I fall for a fool than wish to cuckold my own kin!
Burchill: What’s that you say? The relations of my brother and I are none of thy business!
Alexis: Worry not, inbreeding is the stuff of royalty! Your children shall be lords! Three eyed lords!
Burchill: And your children will be woeful nude poets.
Alexis: (aside) Alas! She is right! I cannot take the fool as mine husband!
Burchill: You do know that just because you say (aside), I can still hear you?
Alexis: A pox on thee!
Enter Shawn Michaels, prancing, and King Regal.
Shawn Michaels: I wish thee luck this night, your majesty. A duel with Sir Kennedy is a fearful task indeed. Especially if one found out about your visits to the apocathary!
King Regal: Quiet now, Friar Michaels, or I shall have your burned for heresy!
Michaels: You would do no such thing!
Regal: And at the upcoming carnival, you would be strapped to a stone and beaten with various meats and fruits for the amusement of the populous!
Michaels: Then I take my leave of you, King. May the Spirits look divinely on you this night.
ACT I, Scene 7: In the meadow.
Enter Ric Flair and a Spoony Bard.
Ric Flair: WOO! In this reality I will NEVER RETIRE!
Spoony Bard: I say, you are not Norm! What manner of witchcraft is this?!
Flair: That’s why you’re the champ!
Enter Chris Jericho and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” preparing for their contest.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Mister FLAIR! You LIVE!
Chris Jericho: On your guard, knave!
Chris Jericho vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
Jericho and Batista draw swords and clash. Jericho’s stroke is smoother and quicker than David’s so he takes a clear advantage in the early portion of the fight. Batista, however, is much more powerful, and he is soon clearly besting Chris at every turn. So they fight throughout the meadow, until Batista disarms his opponent. Jericho falls to his knees.
Jericho: I demand a respite! My boot has become untied!
Batista: I am AMUSED!
Jericho has tied his boot during the intermission, and quickly goes on the attack. Soon, he’s able to tie both of Batista’s boot laces together, tripping the big oaf. Batista is able to use the nearby Spoony Bard to pull himself to his feet. Jericho charges, but Dave easily disarms him and runs Jericho through with his own saber. In his dying moment, however, Jericho throws Batista’s sword. Dave ducks, and the blade pierces Ric Flair through the heart.
Chorus: Sir Batista has won! But what is the cost?
Batista: NO! Mister FLAIR!
Ric Flair: I’m dead! WOOO!
Chorus: Ric Flair has fallen.
Batista: Alas poor RIC! I knew him WELL!
Flair: WOO! Ric By GOD FLAIR!
Chorus: Ric Flair has fallen.
Batista: To be or not to BE! That is the QUESTION!
Flair: THE NATURE BOY!
Chorus: Ric Flair has fallen.
Batista: Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous FORTUNE!
Flair: Stylin’ and profilin’ because I will NEVER RE-
The Spoony Bard whacks Flair with a shovel.
Chorus: Thank thee!
Batista: I forget the REST!
Enter Shawn Michaels who prances through the meadow throwing fruit at Batista for some time.
ACT I, Scene 8: In the dining room.
Enter King Regal along with High King McMahon/
King Regal: Surely you don’t mean to draw and quarter me, your majesty. I am but a loyal subject of your mighty throne.
High King McMahon: I tell you the truth, King Regal, in the interest of all that is fair, I must grant that knight this one request. Nothing will come of nothing, Will. Now I must excuse myself! I have an important meeting which requires my attention.
Enter “The Million Pence Man” Ted DiBiase.
“The Million Pence Man” Ted DiBiase: Your Royal Highness! I come bearing news from the royal treasury!
McMahon: Reason in madness! Please, continue.
DiBiase and McMahon exit, while a frustrated Regal walks the other way. Enter Santino Marella dressed as Roddy the Piper.
Santino Marella: Surely, this-a castle is-a pit of the pipers-a! I come-a here to claim-a my place-a as the successor-a to William-a the Regal-a! Surely I will-a be the more-a noble choice-a than that-a braggart or a man-a that wears-a the clothes of-a the women-a!
Sal: Fair is foul and foul is fair, Marella! By the end of this night, you will be the one hiding in the dresses of women!
Santino: If-a it isn’t-a the noble cousin-a of Sir James-a of Kimmel-a. I should have-a your head-a for your-a insolence!
Sal: And should I take yours for your lies? How you failed in your royal conquests? Lost on the field of battle to the aged Austin? Or how the lass Maria plucked her nipple from your boneless gums?
Enter Roddy the Piper.
Roddy The Piper: Is this a cake I see before me? The frosting toward my had? Come, let me clutch thee!
Roddy picks up the cake and slams it into Santino’s face.
Sal: You have vanquished thine enemy, oh rotund one!
Roddy The Piper: How sweet the taste of victory, this day! And how abhorrent the sickness that brought us together. You, my dear cousin Sal, will have to be the one who defeats this menace, for mine is a tale of sound and fury.
Sal: Told by an idiot, signifying nothing.
Santino: This-a is good cake-a, my lords-a!
ACT I, Scene 9: The meadow, at the time of Sir Kennedy and King Regal‘s duel.
Enter King Regal and Sir Kennedy.
King Regal vs. Ken Kennedy
Kennedy has the clear advantage in the early going thanks to a quicker blade and a scruffy beard. Regal is able to fight enough to keep himself alive, but never quite gain an advantage over his younger, hungrier foe. Without the aid of the forbidden apocathary, Regal clearly struggles just to maintain the status quo. Suddenly, he drops his guard.
King Regal: You will not defeat me this day, good sir, because I am still king of this land. And as King, I demand that you let me have one free shot.
Regal takes a swing with his sword at Kennedy’s abdomen, but his strength is gone and the blow clanks harmlessly off the younger man’s armor. With that, Kennedy raises his sword to strike the final blow.
Regal: I submit! I concede defeat. Please, let me leave this field today.
Chorus: William the Regal has been defeated! All hail Sir Kennedy!
ACT I, Scene 10: At the city gates.
Enter William the Regal, deposed King of the WWE.
William the Regal: I come before these gates a defeated man. I will leave these lands to you, High King Vince to do with what you may. I can only hope you will reconsider on the manner of my drawing and quartering.
The gates open, and William is met by Prince Theodore the Long.
Prince Theodore the Long: Hear ye, hear ye, player!
Regal: I mean no harm, nor do I wish to know why you are named such.
Enter Todd Grisham who is accompanied by a Band of Brigands.
Todd Grisham: What the hell is going on here? Did we crash that couch into Medieval Times or something? I mean…geez. Look at this place.
Kevin Nash: I hear that.
Scott Hall: Where’s a bard when you need one? I want to tell him, “Don’t sing it…Bring it!”
Hall: Hey, Kev, do you think we could be known as the “Band of Brigands” when we come back?
Nash: I don’t think you’re getting employed for a long time, Scotty.
Enter Triple H astride a noble white stallion.
Triple H: Hey, guys! What’s going on?
Grisham: What are we doing here? You crashed us back there a month ago! Now I just saw Regal over here arguing with some guys about getting drawn and quartered? And nobody ever came back to give us food!
Hall: Festus is starving!
HHH: We’re in an alternate universe, guys! Isn’t that awesome?! Oh…Damn…I forgot about our William Regal. Oh well, I’m sure he’s fine.
In the distance.
William Regal: What are you talking about! I’m not a King! That was just a dream I had! Put me down this instant! Wait…why are those horses there?! AEIIIIIIIEEEE!
Chorus: Parts of William Regal have fallen.
HHH: Oops. Well…heh. Anyway, I’ve got great news. The High King of this land has offered me this here fifedom to rule, provided I marry his daughter and team up with Cena to fight off some invaders or something.
Grisham: That sounds ridiculous!
Nash: Ridiculously awesome, you mean! Can I be the Secretary of MILFs?
Hall: I call Pope!
Grisham: THIS IS INSANE!
HHH: No, Todd, This IS SATIRE!
Todd Grisham somehow manages to draw and quarter himself.
Chorus: Todd Grisham has fallen.
Enter Randy Orton and John Bradshaw Leyfield who watch the group celebrate from behind some bushes.
ACT I, Scene 11: In the dueling meadow, now covered in blood and not quite as lovely.
Enter Randy Orton, John Bradshaw Leyfield, John Cena, and Triple H
Triple H: Wait…I thought you were dead. I threw you off the couch!
Randy Orton: I landered in that snitsky over there. The erected me major!
HHH: Sigh…Whatever. Let’s just do this.
John Cena: Wait! I’ve got to go to the bathroom!
ACT I, Scene 12: In the still not very attractive meadow.
Enter Randy Orton, John Bradshaw Leyfield, John Cena, and Triple H.
Randy Orton and John Bradshaw Leyfield vs. John Cena and Triple H
Sadly, this is just a brawl, they didn’t break out the morning stars or anything. Though that would’ve been pretty fantastic. Or a joust! When was the last time these guys jousted anyway? Anyway, Bradshaw tries to choke Hunter out, but eventually he gives up when the bristles of HHH’s beard tear up his forearms. Cena almost tosses Orton into a thorny bush, but Randy slips out and begins to run circles around the meadow while Cena chases him. HHH is momentarily distracted by Ric Flair’s body, so JBL sticks out his leg and trips Cena coming past. Cena falls over.
Chorus: Orton wins!
Triple H: That’s hardly fair. I was trying to shoo vultures away from my mentor!
Major Orton: Tell it to the fudge!
HHH: PEDIGREE TO-
But then Hunter slips on a patch of somebody’s blood and falls over.
Chorus: Orton wins again!
Orton: And at the One Nighstand Fairstival, I’m challenging my breast fiend in the whole wild girl, Triopoly H to a Last Man Spamming match!
JBL: And John of Cena, I am challenging you to a duel as well. Whomever draws the first blood will be the true fool!
Next Week: John Cena tries to learn sword fighting from Merlin, the magician who doesn’t exist. Alexis Laree continues to bounce around to any man she can find, this time glomming on to Festus. And the guys learn that all the world is a stage, and they are just actors playing a roll! Should be fun!