Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Spellingmania Grips America. When exactly did the National Spelling Bee get so popular? They spent several hours of coverage on ESPN disecting middle schoolers and their spelling tactics, and topped it off with three hours of coverage on ABC. Isn’t this supposed to be buried on some PBS digital sub-channel?

2. From the Mind of Michael Bay: The Ouija Movie. I’m pretty sure this is going to be the best movie ever. Think about it! Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox use a Ouija board to contact the spirit of Martin Lawrence’s career.

3. Konami Is Asking Journalists to Please Not Talk about Metal Gear Solid 3 Cut Scenes. Not because they’re afraid journalists will spoil the plot, mind you, but because they’re afraid people will be scared off by how long the damn things are. There are reports floating around that Kojima wrote more than one cutscene for the game lasting an hour and a half. An hour and a half!! The PS3 better make me a sandwich and get me a drink while it’s at it.

4. Weezer’s Video for “Pork and Beans” Is Basically One Long Internet Circle Jerk. Seriously, I’ll post up a link for YouTube Monday on Monday, but you can look for yourself. You have the Internet! But they basically go through every Internet meme starting from 1999 and give them all screen time. What a bunch of nerds!

5. Radiohead Tells Prince to Suck a Goat. Internet Superstar Prince ordered YouTube to pull a video of his performance of “Creep” earlier this week. Well, the problem is, “Creep” is a Radiohead song, and they want it up there. So YouTube put it back up. They also stole his stiletto boots and his new outfit from Baby GAP.

Last Week: William Regal was torn asunder by a well meaning populace. The lovely dueling meadow got a fresh coating of blood. And Triple H hatched a plan that would make him King of the Realm. Who will be King of the Realm…TONIGHT?!

You know what works awesome as a tribute to the troops? Making fun of people who watch wrestling.

(Opening Credits)

Vince McMahon: I want to assure you that everything is back to normal. We’re all fine here, everything is perfectly fine. It’s all back to normal. No more…magic couches. Or really long one act plays. Or…You know what, why am I even telling you any of this? My telling you of this is directly in violation of the idea that this is all situation normal.

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: You’ve broken the fourth wall for sure.

Vince: Regal totally deserved getting torn apart by those horses, though.

Voice of Taker: Uh…yeah. Totally.

Todd Grisham: No, something still isn’t right! Get rid of the time traveling couch, the Shakespearean tragedy, the dapper penguin-

Somewhat Officious Looking Penguin: Ahem!

Grisham: See? Something still feels off. I don’t like this one bit, gentlemen.

Vince: Just shut up and do your segment on this totally right thinking wrestling show, would you?

Grisham: There’s something going on here, and I’m going to get to the bottom of it!

Todd Grisham jumps down a bottomless pit.

Vince: See? Perfectly normal.

Officious Penguin: Indubitably.

Triple H: So, wait a minute. Did we do it? Is this the present?

Randy Orton: It would steam soap.

HHH: Well, that’s honestly kind of a let down isn’t it? Well, now at least there will be nothing to stop me from beating you down. There’s no couch cushions or throw pillows to hide behind this time, Orton.

Orton: Hunger, it has comed to my attrition, that you don’t not respectorate my many accomplices. Like being the youngerest man ever to hole the WWO Harpyweight Chocolate Chip. Or that I, Ranky Q. Morgan, am a citrusfied Legend Kill Guy!

HHH: Those aren’t accomplishments, they’re more like…Things you happen to have done.

Orton: Forth or more, I drink you are a fridge of me. That’s why you had me in Electrician, that’s why you amways sic Shane McMahon after me, that’s why you changered my them song from “HEY!” to “Hey, What’s This Crap?”, that’s-

HHH: Shut up and get drafted to Smackdown, will you?

Orton: I WILL NEVER READ TIRES! WOOOOOOOMB!

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Jillian Hall vs. Melina

Well, this seems all nice and normal doesn’t it? Beth Phoenix is even out on commentary, which is a perfectly normal thing to be happening right now. During this match. Between Melina and Jillian Hall. Jillian gives her take on “No Chance in Hell” which somehow manages to be better than both the rap and hard rock versions of this song they’ve had on previous CDs. Anyway, Melina does some kind of triple reverse octopus hold (I just made that sound 100x cooler than it actually was) for the win. Beth Phoenix? Not impressed. OBJECTION!

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: There is absolutely nothing odd about you agreeing to do a backstage segment with me.

Vince McMahon: That is entirely true. I’m always doing segments with my favorite wrestler Chris Jericho!

Jericho: Vince, I want to wrestle Shawn Michaels tonight.

Vince: Anything for you!

Jericho: And I want to sing your theme song as if it were a Broadway show tune.

Vince: Don’t push your luck.

Jericho: Damn. I really did want to do that, honestly. It would be bad ass.

Shad Gaspard: Hey, guys. We’re here to loot this office in case the world turns all topsy turvy again. You can never have too many…uh…post it notes?

JTG: I found a picture of some old lady!

Shad: Hell yeah! Let’s get out of here!

Vince: Was that an old Torrie Wilson poster?

(ads)

Cryme Tyme is selling all of Vince’s office supplies in the crowd.

Ron Simmons: Is that an old Torrie Wilson poster? Huh.

Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Nothing odd happening here. Unless you count the fact that neither of these tag teams has a goddamn tag team name. Wait, did London and Kendrick ever actually turn heel? Was that during that month I mysteriously disappeared off the face of the Internet? Or maybe now they’ve just run out of tag teams. Everybody trades drop kicks for a bout twenty minutes, much to the delight of the crowd, because there’s nothing a crowd loves more than tons of dropkicks. Finally, Holly gets sick of this noise and spikes London’s head into the mat. But wait! A New Challenger Emerges!

The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase: My presence here is not completely inexplicable! You see, during that month and a half when everybody disappeared, I turned my son into the world’s greatest tag team wrestler. Now, here he is…without a tag team partner!

The Thousandaire Ted Dibiase Jr.: I’ve got nothing, yet. Sorry. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

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Rowdy Roddy Piper is in a secret bunker training an extra from America’s Fifth Most Loved Network Late Night Talk Show how to wrestle in what will, undoubtedly, be the main event of the next PPV or whatever. Nothing…um…odd here. No, sir! Completely normal!

Cousin Sal: Thanks for training me on how to get punched, Mr. Piper.

Rowdy Roddy Piper: You’re going to get the sickness, kid! It’s going to take over your life, and your family, and by the end of this thing you’re going to wish I killed you right now!

Jimmy Kimmel: This isn’t really hurting my popularity, is it? I can’t really afford to fall behind Carson.

Piper: Too bad you couldn’t ride that Matt Damon thing longer!

Kimmel: Yeah. *sniff*

Then Piper punches them both in the balls. Meanwhile….

Alexis Laree: Nitro Parties, Vince. Let’s party like it’s 1999! Literally! Look, we’ll have fans write in saying how much they and their friends love to flip back and forth between the last half hour of American Gladiator and RAW, and we’ll send cameras and some bored, disappointing Diva out there to party with them for thirty seconds and then leave. Imagine the looks on their faces! “Oh…Cherry. That’s great.”

Vince McMahon: Get out of my office!

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Hookers!

Vince: I’m listening….

JBL: That’s all I’ve got. Sorry. I mean, I could say something about Ashley or something.

Vince: I’m afraid that ship has sailed.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy and John Cena vs. Totally Not Jamal and John Bradshaw Leyfield

Four guys who are all sort of in the main event, and all of whom have had some sort of issue with each other at one point or another. Hell, this is about as normal as it gets. We may just be back to ordinary after all! The only thing about this match that would throw me off at all is if JBL or Jeff managed to get suspended during the match, or if Not Jamal pulled off his mask and revealed that he’s actually been Jamal this whole time! That would freak me out. Mostly because he doesn’t wear a mask.

(ads)

Cena is a house afire when we come back, much to the dismay of Jeff Hardy. Seriously, though, dude, how do you have a volcano and not any insurance? Even Erin Esurance knows there’s something not right with your head. And her favorite summer movie was Speed Racer, so you know she’s not playing with a full deck of cards. Neither am I though. I have no idea what happened to that two of spades. I tried putting one of the Jokers back into the deck, but it kind of kills the flow when somebody’s always asking, “Wait, what card is the Joker, again?” So now I just don’t play cards. Also not playing cards? Everybody in this match. I have no idea where that analogy was going. Sorry. JBL sort of hits the Clothesline from Hell for the win.

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The Denver Broncos certainly aren’t a portent of doom! Neither is the RAW roster going to Mexico. I wonder if Super Crazy got to main event. He’s Mexicool!

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Ken Kennedy

Isn’t Carlito in a tag team now? And what’s his beef with Kennedy? Carlito never seemed like much of a fervent Regal supporter. This match, I admit, is a bit unusual, but I’m still going to err on the side of normal here, and pretend this is a glitch in the Matrix or something. Anyway, Ken is apparently fascinated by his ability to grow facial hair, so he’s just decided to grow it wherever it feels like, which has given him a hell of a scruffy beard. It also looks really weird because dude isn’t a natural blonde. Carlito contemplates the significance of these facts, and gets hit with the Mic Check.

Katie Lea Burchill: Oi! What happened to all the Brits what used to be on this show!

Paul Burchill then runs out and beats up Kennedy. Well…that wasn’t very sporting. I guess “people from the same country as I am” makes as good as excuse as any for reasons to start a feud. Maybe Paul just really misses the days when William used to be his buxom wench?

Kennedy: SHOW!

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Backstage….

Trevor Murdoch: What if I sang your theme as a peppy mariachi jam?

Vince McMahon: What are you even doing here?

Murdoch: I need to borrow a stapler.

Vince: I think Cryme Tyme stole it.

Murdoch: Damn. These posters aren’t going to hang themselves!

Vince: What’ve you got there? Old Torrie Wilson posters?

Murdoch: No, sir. Here, take a look.

Vince: “Lance Cade is a Doody Head.” I love how you bolded Lance’s name there.

Murdoch: Yes, sir. It was the first time he was mentioned on this show. This’ll show him exactly how I feel about how he’s treating me lately.

Vince: Nothing odd about that.

Murdoch: No, sir.

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

Let’s see, Shawn is prancing, Jericho still can’t figure out if he really gives a crap, and the Intercontinental Title isn’t on the line because it’s beneath both of them. Yep, seems like a pretty normal match. Let’s get it on! Not…like…literally, though. We’re in Colorado here, not California. I don’t think Shawn or Chris would approve of us getting it on right now anyway, so let’s get back to the match. Two sweaty, oiled up guys hug for a while and then roll around on the ground. Eh…never mind. Let’s get it ooooooon!

(ads)

I got a bunch of lye on my hand earlier today and it hurts like hell. And before you ask, “No, I was not making meth. Nor was I using it to dispose of a body.” Geez. I don’t know where you people get your opinions of me from. I did manage to get some pretty awesome looking chemical burns though. I’m going to tell everybody that I’m a scientist or something. Including people who know I’m not actually a scientist. Anyway, Chris Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho, but he does it outside the ring so both guys just end up getting counted out, leading to embarrassment for everybody! Well played!

Backstage, Vince McMahon is wandering around, which is…completely normal actually.

(ads)

Vince is in the ring. I wonder what he has to say! MAIN EVENT! The RAW Roster files out.

Vince McMahon: I’ve been talking to this rather officious looking penguin tonight, and I’ve decided to resplit the brands to make sure that all the best people wind up here on RAW. I’ve also decided to start paying people to watch the show. So starting ne-

Suddenly, a shot rings out. Vince McMahon has fallen.

J.R.: By GOD WHO SHOT VINCE MCMAHON?!

The Rather Officious Looking Penguin: I did it.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Kevin Nash: I’m Kaiser Soze.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Triple H: Paul, I hate to break it to you, but Darth Vader is your father.

Paul Burchill: NO! That’s not true! That’s IMPOSSIBLE!

HHH: There’s more. You have a sister.

Paul: Katie Lea! Katie Lea is my sister! Somehow, I’ve always known.

HHH: Even when you were making out?

Paul: Especially when we were making out.

HHH: Egh.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Randy Orton: Why doesn’t not anybody lung me?

Hornswoggle: Don’t you see, Randy? You’ve been dead this whole time!

Orton: Really? That explicates it! Thanks, Hornswoggle!

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Mick Foley: I am also Mankind!

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Foley: Oh, and Rosebud was my sled.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Scott Hall: Soylent Green is people!

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Alexis Laree: Sorry, Duckie, I’m going to the prom with Blane.

Duck: Quack?

Alexis: Oh, and they’re canceling Internet Heat, so you’re probably fired.

Duck: Quaaaaaack.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Festus: ….

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Todd Grisham crawls up from the bottomless pit.

Todd Grisham: Everyone! I’ve decided to live!

Suddenly, Edge stabs him through the back.

John Cena: NOOO! Wait…Can’t I just use Phoenix Down?

Edge: Um…No.

Cena: Why not? I’ve got, like, 99 of them.

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Because I said!

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Snape kills Dumbledore.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Triple H climbs over the rising pile of bodies and confused onlookers and out of the stadium. He crawls across the land to the…uh…Beach? In Colorado. Sure. Why not. There, rising out of the pond, he sees the Smackdown Fist.

Triple H: It was our universe all along! You Hulkamaniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to HELL!!! Wait. That doesn’t make any sense. At all. Why is the Smackdown fist in this pond, anyway?

Officious Penguin: An interesting question, Hunter. Perhaps we will find the answer next week. Perhaps never. Anyway, I’ve warmed up the couch. It’s time to go.

HHH: So this wasn’t the normal universe?!

Officious Penguin: Chris Jericho beating up Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon paying viewers to watch RAW? Please.

Next Week: Did J.R. Shoot Mr. McMahon?! Will the ducks be fired now that Internet Heat has gone the way of The Missing Link? And who will get the free house at this year’s In Your House?!

Places of Interest

Twilight Grove
Beggar’s Haunt
Raven Hill
Darkshire

Duskwood is a creepy forest sprawled out to the south of Elwyn Forest, and is probably the most popular mid-tier zone for Alliance characters. The quests in this zone are varied, numerous, and pretty well centered around the western and eastern half of the zones.

Of course, it’s not all sunshine and lollipops (well, it’s not ever either of those two things). The close proximity to higher level zones like Deadwind Pass (home of the endgame raid Karazhan), Stranglethorn Vale, and the presence of a Dragon and the Horde questing outpost of Beggar’s Haunt make this zone an easy target for Raids. Additionally, most of the quests out of Darkshire involve long runs back and forth across a rather wide zone. And that trudge is always kind of boring, because across the board (almost) Duskwood looks exactly the same. Those long treks with nothing to see will wear a bit on your psyche.

Mining: Copper, Tin, Silver, Gold, Iron. The prospecting prospects in Duskwood aren’t terrible. The mountainous area in the middle of the zone yields quite a bit of tin and copper. The south and east portions of Duskwood are among the best to grab some Iron at this early stage in the game.

Herbalism: Briarthorn, Bruiseweed, Mageroyal, Kingsblood, Wild Steelbloom, Liferoot, Gravemoss. Not great, but certainly not bad either. This is a pretty good place to gather some Kingsblood and Mageroyal pretty early on in the Eastern Kingdoms. It’s also a place where you can grab quite a bit of the (sort of worthless) Gravemoss.

Cloth: Linen, Wool, Silk Standard stuff here. The catacombs that span the Raven Hill Graveyard are a great place for mid-level characters to grind out some Silk without hitting any instances. You can easily get a few stacks of it clearing out both sides.

Leather: Light Leather, Medium Leather, Heavy Leather Not horrible, but not great either. The wolves and worgen will let you gather a little leather, but not in as good quality or quantity as you’d probably like from a higher level area.

If you can avoid getting caught up in the PvP warfare that sometimes messes up this zone, Duskwood may just be the best mid-tier Alliance area in the game. The quest chains are all well put together, fun, and interesting, the epic group quests are challenging but doable, and by the time you’ve leveled out of the zone you’ll find other higher level locations to be a bit easier. One of my favorite zones in the game, and while the scenery is quite boring, it’s still one of the best.

Before I begin, I suppose I should tell you all what my thoughts are about Penny Arcade. I do this mostly because, if I come out and say I’m a fan, you’ll be quick to dismiss me as “another fan boy” and if I say that I hate it, then I’m “just a hater.” The truth is that while I’m a fan, I don’t feel any sort of loyalty or fealty to the brand. I have two of their books, I read the site around once a week, and I appreciate the concepts behind PAX (which I’d love to attend some year) and Child’s Play. That having been said, before I played the game, I’d be hard pressed to tell you which one was Gabe and which one was Tycho.

The game itself stars you (and I must say, it’s nice to have a rough likeness of myself in the Penny Arcade style without paying a fortune at a charity auction, also: The guy who paid to be drawn into this game got gypped), along with Gabe, Tycho, and Tycho’s neice Anne, as they attempt to solve the mysterious appearance of lewd robots terrorizing the city of New Arcadia, having no regard for the sanctity of houses.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about the game itself. Imagine, if you would (and if you won’t, just skip this sentence) that Paper Mario got drunk, and, in a fit of passion, plunged the ever living hell out of Final Fantasy VII. Then they got married by Industrial Revolution Elvis in Vegas. The active time battle system actually translates pretty well to Paper Mario’s timed button presses and simplified combat. Combat difficulty is honestly a little up and down. The items you find are pretty useful, but you will probably find yourself not bothering with them most of the time, until the last boss when they become an absolute necessity. Additionally, things always seem a little unbalanced combat-wise, as you’ll always be significantly overmatched when you enter a zone, and overpowered by the time you leave. Not exactly new for RPGs of this type, but a more gradual progression would’ve been nice. It should also be noted that there are a few different summons you earn at various points that…differ somewhat in their usefulness, especially in the endgame.

The game as a whole, however, is remarkably (and, dare I say, refreshingly) easy. There’s not a ton of challenge to most of the fights, the enemies don’t respawn, there’s almost no penalty for dying, and items can be pretty easily refilled just by whacking any of the containers in the game (which do respawn) until you get all that you need. In fact, the challenge of the main boss, while welcome, came as a bit of a shocker when I finally hit it. That said, though, I did beat it on my second try.

The writing is fun and brisk, with the characters taking a laissez-faire attitude toward pretty much everything that goes on from being peed on by robots to eating processed hobo meat, Gabe, Tycho, and…er…you, handle everything with a sort of dignified aplomb. It never becomes laugh out loud funny, however, the game seems content to top itself off at “amusing” and leave it at that, much like the comic. There is one series of battles, in which you fight a roving, evil barbershop quartet that made me laugh, mostly because one of their combos was entitled, “A Shave and a Hair Cut – 2Hits.”

Extra Features

There are some unlockable music tracks, concept art, and a cut scene theatre that you can check out after the game is over, and the X-Box version has some interesting achievements to grab if that’s your bag. The character creator has a few different options if you want to play around with it, but the options end up being awfully limited, and somewhat clumsy on the 360 as opposed to the PC. There are a few mini-games which you must play a number of times, all of which are kind of fun the first time, but much less so the following nine.

Technical: No significant glitches to speak of on either version, and the PC game seems to be patching pretty well for whatever glitches do come. The game has a tendency to chug a little bit during transitions, but never horribly. Both versions suffer from a little clumsiness on controls. The X-Box version makes it harder to navigate the menus, which can really suck when you’re locked in a pretty fast paced combat. The PC version is much easier to navigate, but suffers in that mouse clicks need to be pretty precise, which is difficult with lots of things flying around the screen at once. There are a lot of path finding issues, especially for the NPCs and the PC on…er…”the personal computer,” which rarely matter and are easily solvable, but are still somewhat annoying.

Graphics

Very good. The graphics engine for a majority of the play is similar to the one we’ve seen on the Sam & Max games the past few months, very cartoony, but still 3D enough for the current generation. The cut scenes and dialog are all animated out in the Penny Arcade drawing style, which translates very well. The animated cut scenes, especially, are very attractive and, like I said earlier, it is kind of fun to see your created character drawn up on the screen. What backgrounds there are well animated and set the tone very well, with a few little jokes here and there if you’re paying attention.

Sound

The voice work is very limited, but what is there is very good and fits the tone of the game perfectly. I’m actually rather glad that they declined to do full voice for the major characters. You could’ve had Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik voice their avatars, but I think things work much better allowing the players to supply whatever voice they’d like to the characters. The music is solid and fits the scenes. It does have a tendency to get lost a bit in the background, however, which is probably for the best in this type of game.

Replay Value

A skilled player should blow through this one in around 6 hours, and so long as you’re paying attention, there shouldn’t be much reason to go back through unless you wanted to check out some different character models or collect every last widget. Ultimately, however, the average player probably won’t take any more than around 8 hours to complete the game to their satisfaction, and won’t give a damn about unlocking some piece of concept art, so for that player there’s not really much reason to revisit the Rain-slick Precipice.

Final Score: 8/10

I often force myself to think, when I’m reviewing the TEW and Sam and Max games, “What would I say if I had to pay for this game?” Well, I did have to pay for this game, and for the most part I enjoyed it. I’m still not a huge fan of episodic content, but when it works, it works, and for the most part, it seems like Penny Arcade Adventures is a series that has a chance to work. The $20 price point is probably a little much for what ultimately is a one shot RPG, but I’ve paid a lot more money for games I ended up playing a lot less.

It’s especially challenging, I think, for video game commentators to come out with a game of their own. You kind of keep a running list of how many silly conventions or bad gameplay elements the PA guys have ranted against in the past show up in their own game, sort of like if Roger Ebert came out with his own film (he did, by the way, and: meh) or Simon Cowell cut a pop album. Insofar as they’ve succeeded thus far, they should be applauded.

Ultimately, if you’re a fan of the Penny Arcade web comics, or enjoy games that will legitimately amuse you, but might not make you laugh as such, then you should at least give the demo a shot. It’s currently available on X-Box live or off the internets. I don’t know what the future holds for the series, but the game itself is worth checking out.

Sorry, sorry. I had better things to do with my Memorial Weekend than play “Internet Celebrity.” My sincerest appologies.

Here’s a link to the Penny Arcade Adventures Trailer. I’ll have a review of the game up, I hope, tonight.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Airlines Want to Charge You to Check Your Bags. $25 extra if you want to take any clothes on your trip? The one where you don’t get anything to eat on a five hour flight, and you can’t bring any drinks on the plane? Ok, that sounds totally fair. Totally.

2. Video Games is the premier growth industry in the United States. Sales are up 45% over last year, and the industry currently shows no signs of slowing. Interesting note: Nintendo has moved more consoles than Microsoft or Sony combined in the current generation.

3. Having Solved All the World’s Other Problems, the UN Has Turned It’s Attention to Defeating Pirate Bay. ACTA, an organization of countries including almost all of Europe, the U.S., Canada, Japan, Mexico, and New Zealand are agreeing on legislation that would force ISPs to reveal customer information if any member country believes that that person is downloading illegal content. In on this idea? Switzerland, of all people, who will be neutral against the Nazis, but NOT when people are trying to find copies of “27 Dresses” for their girlfriends.

4. American Idol Is Over. David won. Sorry…David Cook won. Probably the right decision, all things considered, but damned if I know if any of it’s going to translate into record sales for anybody involved. Moment of the night goes to Renaldo Lapuz, performing his hit single “I Am Your Brother” with the USC Marching band.

5. Tired of Trying to Waste Money on Yahoo or Google, Microsoft Wants to Waste Money on You. If you use the MSN search engine to find a product, and then buy the product (from one of Microsoft’s partners), then Microsoft will send you a check for your trouble. Err…Thanks? I guess?

Last Week: Triple H just couldn’t get off the couch. The Ghostly Visage of Jeff Hardy appeared with a warning about wrestling fat Samoans. And Randy Orton won the WWE Women’s Title. I think? Who will win the Women’s Title…TONIGHT?!

ACT I, Scene I: Outside a Large Town.

(Enter Triple H and a Rather Officious Looking Penguin)

Triple H: Say ho, good penguin! We have returned unto the present!

Rather Officious Looking Penguin: Alas, sir, I do fear we have not. I believe mine calculations were quite incorrect. We seem to have come upon some ill-begotten past realm.

(Enter King Regal being attended to by two Guards)

King Regal: What magic is this?! A man in not but a cloth for his loins and a talking bird of the kind mine eyes have never laid upon! Guards! Seize thee these two until we learn what manner of witchcraft has fallen upon my land.

(The Guards move cautiously to take the nearly naked man and bird into custody)

HHH: Noble king, I beseech you! Hear me out! We are but travelers from a far off land! We only seek boarding for the night until we may continue on our journey.

Regal: And to what end do you undertake this “journey” of yours?

HHH: We mean to return to our land, where I am the Champion and King of Kings.

Regal: I say! Let us away to mine castle. We have much to discuss.

(Exeunt)

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
(in Order of Appearance)

Jeff Hardy A wild drunkard, fancies himself a poet
Totally Not Jamal A fat drunkard, not named Jamal
Chorus A narrative aid
Chris Jericho A noble of ill-repute
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” The town dunce
King William the Regal The King of the township
Sir Ken Kennedy A loudmouth and braggart
High King Vince McMahon The King of the Greater Lands
Melina The dominate wench
Beth Phoenix The head wench
Maria The floozy wench
The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker A mysterious voice
Alexis Laree The naked wench
Katie Lea Burchill The buxom wench
Shawn Michaels A righteous friar
Ric Flair A crazy old man
The Spoony Bard A spoony bard
“The Million Pence Man” Ted DiBiase A rather wealthy lord
Santino Marella An Italian
Sal Someone’s cousin
Roddy the Piper A piper
Prince Theodore the Long A Prince with an odd nickname
Todd Grisham A well adjusted young man
Scott Hall A drunken vagabond
Kevin Nash A man with luxurious hair
Festus ???
Triple H A captain and wannabe noble
Randy Orton The town’s elected “major”
John Bradshaw Leyfield The town’s chief bully
John Cena The Fool

ACT I, Scene Two: In a Lovely Meadow

(Curtain Opens)

Enter Jeff Hardy.

Jeff Hardy: What a wonderful day this is! Greetings, Sir Flower. A good morning to you, Madame Butterfly. Why, on a day such as this, I feel as though I absolutely must recite some of my poetry to the world!

Alas, my love is gone,
Replaced hitherto by th’ apocathary!
Is this world just a dream?
Or am I just
2Xtreme?

Totally Not Jamal: BLLLLEAAAAAAH!

Jeff Hardy vs. Totally Not Jamal

The two combatants battle back and forth for a few minutes with Hardy’s self-medication and Not Jamal’s drunkenness getting the better of them more than their opponents. Quickly, however, Not Jamal’s size comes into play and he is able to subdue his smaller opponent. After some amusing futzing about under his rotund opponent’s impressive girth, Hardy is able to escape and run off towards the village with Not Jamal in somewhat slow pursuit.

Chorus: There is no winner! These two men have fought to a draw!

Jeff Hardy and Totally Not Jamal exit left as Chris Jericho and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” enter right.

Chris Jericho: I do not even care for Mr. Michaels’ skullduggery in the least. I have finished my quarrel with both of you. A box on thee and thine families!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Methinks you doth protest too MUCH!

Jericho: Mayhaps, Mr. Davidson, you would prefer we settle this like gentlemen. A sporting contest upon this very field in which the winner gets to challenge that braggard Michaels to a duel himself.

Batista: But thine body is too wracked with pain to provide much CONTEST!

Jericho: Be thou afraid of mine abilities? Even injured as such, I believe I can best you!

Batista: Very well, SIR! I will pick up thine GAUNTLET!

Jericho: Blue elf has shot the food!

(Exeunt)

ACT I, Scene 3: In King Regal’s throne room.

Enter King Regal alone, in the dark.

King Regal: This carnival will be the most extreme carnival in memory! That is, unless this Triple H fellow and his odd bird puts an end to our frivolity. I mustn’t dwell on this however, I must press ahead. What a wonderful carnival this will be! We will set those blighters Jeff Hardy and Totally Not Jamal against each other in the town square, and hopefully one of them will finally end up face down in the pig slop this time. And this Hunter, if he wishes to pass through these lands unfettered, he will have to team with his jester to fight our local brutes!

Enter Ken Kennedy.

Ken Kennedy: Ay there, your Kingship! It is I, the right noble Ken Kennedy late of the Green Bay!

Regal: Fie! Sir Kennedy, I know thee too well. What pretense have you to interrupt my deepest thoughts? Do you wish punishment to rain upon thine head like arrows on the field of blood?

Kennedy: I am throwing down the gauntlet, good sir. I challenge you t a duel!

Regal: Me? Thy king? You canst challenge me to a duel no more than a donkey can play Nine Men’s Morris with a goat! There is none above me and you should do well to remember that.

Enter High King Vince McMahon from the other side of the room.

High King Vince McMahon: None higher than you, you say?

Regal: Your majesty! I knew not that you’d visited my fine fifedom!

Kennedy: His lordship was just telling me that he was the ruler of this land.

Vince: Quiet, Sir Kennedy! I have as little patience for you as I do a serving wench. However, I must say that as little as I have cared for the people of these lands, I have come because they cry out even now that King Regal has failed to lead his people to the glory expected in this kingdom. So, as High King, I say that you shall duel Sir Kennedy, and the loser will be drawn and QUARRRRRRRRRTERED!

Kennedy: Aye! A sound plan indeed, your kingship!

Regal: My kingdom for an apocathary!

Kennedy: APOCATHARY!

(Exeunt)

ACT I, Scene 4: In the lovely meadow.

Enter Melina, who quickly hides behind the Chorus’ dais. Enter Beth Phoenix and Maria whom are fighting over a small wedge of cheese.

Beth Phoenix vs. Maria

The smaller Maria makes a few moves to use her speed to get across the meadow with the cheese, but Beth overpowers her in short order. Beth makes a few disparaging remarks about how Maria’s image was drawn in the nude in the latest fashion papers from Paris, and then throws her down a nearby well.

Chorus: Alas! The Valkyrie needs food badly!

Melina reveals herself from behind the dais.

Chorus: A new challenger approaches!

Melina attempts to run in and steal the cheese before Beth has a chance to devour it, but Beth quickly turns the tables and dumps her down the well also.

(Exeunt)

Chorus: Here there would be a scene about pie and Jimmy Kimmel, but that wasn’t in the budget. Sorry!

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: That doesn’t really fit with the continuity we’re telling here.

Chorus: Cram it up your arse. Shouldn’t you be haunting Vickie Guerrero right now, speaking of continuity?

ACT I, Scene 6: In the dining room.

Enter Alexis Laree and Katie Lea Burchill carrying a butter churn.

Katie Lea Burchill: I doth not know how you came to be head wench. Your only focus is on your dalliances with the Fool!

Alexis Laree: I say, do you not see me churning the butter? Besides, ‘tis better that I fall for a fool than wish to cuckold my own kin!

Burchill: What’s that you say? The relations of my brother and I are none of thy business!

Alexis: Worry not, inbreeding is the stuff of royalty! Your children shall be lords! Three eyed lords!

Burchill: And your children will be woeful nude poets.

Alexis: (aside) Alas! She is right! I cannot take the fool as mine husband!

Burchill: You do know that just because you say (aside), I can still hear you?

Alexis: A pox on thee!

Enter Shawn Michaels, prancing, and King Regal.

Shawn Michaels: I wish thee luck this night, your majesty. A duel with Sir Kennedy is a fearful task indeed. Especially if one found out about your visits to the apocathary!

King Regal: Quiet now, Friar Michaels, or I shall have your burned for heresy!

Michaels: You would do no such thing!

Regal: And at the upcoming carnival, you would be strapped to a stone and beaten with various meats and fruits for the amusement of the populous!

Michaels: Then I take my leave of you, King. May the Spirits look divinely on you this night.

Regal: Amen!

(ads)

ACT I, Scene 7: In the meadow.

Enter Ric Flair and a Spoony Bard.

Ric Flair: WOO! In this reality I will NEVER RETIRE!

Spoony Bard: I say, you are not Norm! What manner of witchcraft is this?!

Flair: That’s why you’re the champ!

Enter Chris Jericho and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” preparing for their contest.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Mister FLAIR! You LIVE!

Chris Jericho: On your guard, knave!

Chris Jericho vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Jericho and Batista draw swords and clash. Jericho’s stroke is smoother and quicker than David’s so he takes a clear advantage in the early portion of the fight. Batista, however, is much more powerful, and he is soon clearly besting Chris at every turn. So they fight throughout the meadow, until Batista disarms his opponent. Jericho falls to his knees.

Jericho: I demand a respite! My boot has become untied!

Batista: I am AMUSED!

(Intermission)

Jericho has tied his boot during the intermission, and quickly goes on the attack. Soon, he’s able to tie both of Batista’s boot laces together, tripping the big oaf. Batista is able to use the nearby Spoony Bard to pull himself to his feet. Jericho charges, but Dave easily disarms him and runs Jericho through with his own saber. In his dying moment, however, Jericho throws Batista’s sword. Dave ducks, and the blade pierces Ric Flair through the heart.

Chorus: Sir Batista has won! But what is the cost?

Batista: NO! Mister FLAIR!

Ric Flair: I’m dead! WOOO!

Chorus: Ric Flair has fallen.

Batista: Alas poor RIC! I knew him WELL!

Flair: WOO! Ric By GOD FLAIR!

Chorus: Ric Flair has fallen.

Batista: To be or not to BE! That is the QUESTION!

Flair: THE NATURE BOY!

Chorus: Ric Flair has fallen.

Batista: Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous FORTUNE!

Flair: Stylin’ and profilin’ because I will NEVER RE-

The Spoony Bard whacks Flair with a shovel.

Chorus: Thank thee!

Batista: I forget the REST!

Enter Shawn Michaels who prances through the meadow throwing fruit at Batista for some time.

(Exeunt)

ACT I, Scene 8: In the dining room.

Enter King Regal along with High King McMahon/

King Regal: Surely you don’t mean to draw and quarter me, your majesty. I am but a loyal subject of your mighty throne.

High King McMahon: I tell you the truth, King Regal, in the interest of all that is fair, I must grant that knight this one request. Nothing will come of nothing, Will. Now I must excuse myself! I have an important meeting which requires my attention.

Enter “The Million Pence Man” Ted DiBiase.

“The Million Pence Man” Ted DiBiase: Your Royal Highness! I come bearing news from the royal treasury!

McMahon: Reason in madness! Please, continue.

DiBiase and McMahon exit, while a frustrated Regal walks the other way. Enter Santino Marella dressed as Roddy the Piper.

Santino Marella: Surely, this-a castle is-a pit of the pipers-a! I come-a here to claim-a my place-a as the successor-a to William-a the Regal-a! Surely I will-a be the more-a noble choice-a than that-a braggart or a man-a that wears-a the clothes of-a the women-a!

Enter Sal.

Sal: Fair is foul and foul is fair, Marella! By the end of this night, you will be the one hiding in the dresses of women!

Santino: If-a it isn’t-a the noble cousin-a of Sir James-a of Kimmel-a. I should have-a your head-a for your-a insolence!

Sal: And should I take yours for your lies? How you failed in your royal conquests? Lost on the field of battle to the aged Austin? Or how the lass Maria plucked her nipple from your boneless gums?

Chorus: DAMN!

Santino: Lies-a!

Enter Roddy the Piper.

Roddy The Piper: Is this a cake I see before me? The frosting toward my had? Come, let me clutch thee!

Roddy picks up the cake and slams it into Santino’s face.

Sal: You have vanquished thine enemy, oh rotund one!

Roddy The Piper: How sweet the taste of victory, this day! And how abhorrent the sickness that brought us together. You, my dear cousin Sal, will have to be the one who defeats this menace, for mine is a tale of sound and fury.

Sal: Told by an idiot, signifying nothing.

Santino: This-a is good cake-a, my lords-a!

(Exeunt)

ACT I, Scene 9: The meadow, at the time of Sir Kennedy and King Regal‘s duel.

Enter King Regal and Sir Kennedy.

King Regal vs. Ken Kennedy

Kennedy has the clear advantage in the early going thanks to a quicker blade and a scruffy beard. Regal is able to fight enough to keep himself alive, but never quite gain an advantage over his younger, hungrier foe. Without the aid of the forbidden apocathary, Regal clearly struggles just to maintain the status quo. Suddenly, he drops his guard.

King Regal: You will not defeat me this day, good sir, because I am still king of this land. And as King, I demand that you let me have one free shot.

Kennedy: SHOT!

Regal takes a swing with his sword at Kennedy’s abdomen, but his strength is gone and the blow clanks harmlessly off the younger man’s armor. With that, Kennedy raises his sword to strike the final blow.

Regal: I submit! I concede defeat. Please, let me leave this field today.

Chorus: William the Regal has been defeated! All hail Sir Kennedy!

(Exeunt)

ACT I, Scene 10: At the city gates.

Enter William the Regal, deposed King of the WWE.

William the Regal: I come before these gates a defeated man. I will leave these lands to you, High King Vince to do with what you may. I can only hope you will reconsider on the manner of my drawing and quartering.

The gates open, and William is met by Prince Theodore the Long.

Prince Theodore the Long: Hear ye, hear ye, player!

Regal: I mean no harm, nor do I wish to know why you are named such.

Long: Buhleedat!

Enter Todd Grisham who is accompanied by a Band of Brigands.

Todd Grisham: What the hell is going on here? Did we crash that couch into Medieval Times or something? I mean…geez. Look at this place.

Kevin Nash: I hear that.

Scott Hall: Where’s a bard when you need one? I want to tell him, “Don’t sing it…Bring it!”

Festus: ….

Hall: Hey, Kev, do you think we could be known as the “Band of Brigands” when we come back?

Nash: I don’t think you’re getting employed for a long time, Scotty.

Enter Triple H astride a noble white stallion.

Triple H: Hey, guys! What’s going on?

Grisham: What are we doing here? You crashed us back there a month ago! Now I just saw Regal over here arguing with some guys about getting drawn and quartered? And nobody ever came back to give us food!

Hall: Festus is starving!

Festus: ….

HHH: We’re in an alternate universe, guys! Isn’t that awesome?! Oh…Damn…I forgot about our William Regal. Oh well, I’m sure he’s fine.

In the distance.

William Regal: What are you talking about! I’m not a King! That was just a dream I had! Put me down this instant! Wait…why are those horses there?! AEIIIIIIIEEEE!

Chorus: Parts of William Regal have fallen.

HHH: Oops. Well…heh. Anyway, I’ve got great news. The High King of this land has offered me this here fifedom to rule, provided I marry his daughter and team up with Cena to fight off some invaders or something.

Grisham: That sounds ridiculous!

Nash: Ridiculously awesome, you mean! Can I be the Secretary of MILFs?

Hall: I call Pope!

Grisham: THIS IS INSANE!

HHH: No, Todd, This IS SATIRE!

Todd Grisham somehow manages to draw and quarter himself.

Chorus: Todd Grisham has fallen.

Enter Randy Orton and John Bradshaw Leyfield who watch the group celebrate from behind some bushes.

(Exeunt)

ACT I, Scene 11: In the dueling meadow, now covered in blood and not quite as lovely.

Enter Randy Orton, John Bradshaw Leyfield, John Cena, and Triple H

Triple H: Wait…I thought you were dead. I threw you off the couch!

Randy Orton: I landered in that snitsky over there. The erected me major!

HHH: Sigh…Whatever. Let’s just do this.

John Cena: Wait! I’ve got to go to the bathroom!

(Exeunt)

ACT I, Scene 12: In the still not very attractive meadow.

Enter Randy Orton, John Bradshaw Leyfield, John Cena, and Triple H.

Randy Orton and John Bradshaw Leyfield vs. John Cena and Triple H

Sadly, this is just a brawl, they didn’t break out the morning stars or anything. Though that would’ve been pretty fantastic. Or a joust! When was the last time these guys jousted anyway? Anyway, Bradshaw tries to choke Hunter out, but eventually he gives up when the bristles of HHH’s beard tear up his forearms. Cena almost tosses Orton into a thorny bush, but Randy slips out and begins to run circles around the meadow while Cena chases him. HHH is momentarily distracted by Ric Flair’s body, so JBL sticks out his leg and trips Cena coming past. Cena falls over.

Chorus: Orton wins!

Triple H: That’s hardly fair. I was trying to shoo vultures away from my mentor!

Major Orton: Tell it to the fudge!

HHH: PEDIGREE TO-

But then Hunter slips on a patch of somebody’s blood and falls over.

Chorus: Orton wins again!

Orton: And at the One Nighstand Fairstival, I’m challenging my breast fiend in the whole wild girl, Triopoly H to a Last Man Spamming match!

JBL: And John of Cena, I am challenging you to a duel as well. Whomever draws the first blood will be the true fool!

THE END

Next Week: John Cena tries to learn sword fighting from Merlin, the magician who doesn’t exist. Alexis Laree continues to bounce around to any man she can find, this time glomming on to Festus. And the guys learn that all the world is a stage, and they are just actors playing a roll! Should be fun!

Places of Interest

Astranaar
Splintertree Post
Felfire Hill
Silverwing Refuge
Warsong Labor Camp
Bough Shadow
Forest Song
Zorum’gar Outpost
Blackfathom Deeps

Players will find Ashenvale to the south of Darkshore and North of the Barrens players will find Ashenvale. While there’s not a terrible amount of variety in the locales here, what is there is quite lovely. It’s not a favorite spot for people on PvP servers, but for those who are looking for a mid-tier leveling zone, it’s a pretty fun little zone.

There are a few issues affecting the zone. Firstly, the quests are a little too far spread out within the zone, meaning that you’ll end up doing a lot of running around within a fairly large place not doing a whole hell of a lot. Additionally, the quest difficulty spikes a few times, meaning that you might be tempted to go level elsewhere once or twice before coming back, if you come back at all. The other problem, of course, comes from cramming a lot of Horde and Alliance extremely close together.

Mining: Copper, Tin, Silver, Gold, Iron. Not great, but not really terrible, the mining prospects in Ashenvale are kind of a mixed bag. If you know where to look, you’ll find enough to fill your needs, but don’t expect to be particularily well stocked after a run through the area.

Herbalism: Briarthorn, Bruiseweed, Mageroyal, Kingsblood, Wild Steelbloom, Liferoot, Stranglekelp, Gromsblood, Purple Lotus. Really good prospects for herb gathering here, throughout the zone. The elusive Purple Lotus can be found in very limited quantities around the entrance to Blackfathom Deeps. Some of the herbs might be a little out of the average player’s range, but it’s still a good variety.

Cloth: Linen, Wool, Silk Good drops off the Naga, Satyrs, and Gnolls in the area. Ashenvale is an especially good zone if you’re looking to gather up a bit of wool to level your first aid and tailoring, though you might not need that much wool by this point.

Leather: Light Leather, Medium Leather, Heavy Leather There are quite a few skinnable mobs here, so there’s a good amount of leather to be had. Medium leather is especially common, so if you’re on the lookout for a few stacks of medium leather, you can do worse than Ashevale.

This isn’t a bad little zone to level your character. Though most Alliance players will prefer the more travelled Duskwood, for the Horde, Night Elves, Draenei and people just generally hanging around Kalimdor there is plenty to do. Of course, it’s a place that should probably be avoided on PvP servers, because of the sheer amount of the other faction that will be gumming up the zone right nearby.

A billion weeks, two contestants, only one…American Idol. They’ve got Michael Buffer doing the introductions, and he’s stepping all over Ryan’s business. Since when did Archuletta join the nWo anyway? I must’ve missed that week. Jim Lamply! All he has to talk about now is wrestling and singing. Screw boxing!

Video highlight! Only one person can take home the title of the American Idol! Spot check: Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and…Chris Daughtrey? Well…Two out of three ain’t bad. Our celebrity mentors this week are the ghoulsih visage of Andrew Lloyd Webber, who apparently has nothing better to do, and Clive Davis, who manages somehow not to die on or berate the contestants during his segments, so that’s nice. How does David Archuletta say so humble? Hint: Shock Collar!

Wheezy wins the coin toss. He’s going to take the ball, and he’s going to score.

David Lee Cook
Singing: “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” by U2 (Courtesy of Clive), “Dream Big”, and “The World I Know” by Collective Soul
Performance:
I Still Haven’t Found WHat I’m Looking For: Well, if you’re going to mimmick a pretentious artist, you might as well shoot straight for Bono, right? Cookie’s really trying to emote here. It’s not a bad cover of the song, probably because he’s not taking any liberties with it like he promised to do. A little too safe? Maybe. Randy tells him they’re trying to find the 2007 American Idol RIGHT HERE! Um…That explains things, I guess.
Dream Big: The contestants get to pick their own “winning song” this year, proof positive that they actually learned something from Blake Lewis having to sing “This Is My Now” last year. I mean…shit. This song sucks just as bad as “This Is My Now” did, but…I don’t know. I could see this getting played on the radio. So, good on Cookie here.
The World I Know This is kind of a big “Fuck You” to the process because he doesn’t want to sing a song he already sang before. Simon is clearly begging him to sing “Billy Jean.” Not bad, a little too close to the original except on a few notes, but this is what’s popular on soft rock stations right now, so I can’t really fault him for it or anything. Not great, but certainly not bad.
Judges Say: You were totally boring on a night when…it didn’t really matter, but still, you were boring.
I Say: Uh…too bad?
Change: +1
Score: +5

David Archuleta
Singing: “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” by Elton John (courtesy of Clive), “In This Moment”, and “Imagine (by John Lennon)
Performance:
Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me: Clive’s choices are interesting, because they kind of let you in on what record he’s going to force these two to make. I can think of nobody more popular in today’s marketplace than Elton John, so this bodes well. Typically good/boring performance from David. One of his better performances this year.
In This Moment: David Archuletta pretty clearly just looked over the list of songs and said, “Fuck it…which one sounds the most like the songs they’ve sang every other year?” And this is it. The lyrics for this song even make Andrew Lloyd Weber’s mind boggle. Those are some powerful lyrics. This is awful. I mean, it’s totally the song they wanted him to pick, but it still sucks serious ass.
Imagine: Ugh. I thought this sucked the last time he did it, and this time it’s just as much of an abomination. I’m really not a music prick about Lennon songs, but I still don’t think you have the right to do a crappy job at it. Remarkably, however, he’s found a way to contain his wheezing for one night only! So that’s a plus!
Judges Say: *sounds of the judges’ enormous blow job*
I Say: It was pretty good, but not even in the top five best performances of the season.
Change: +2
Score: +3

Ryan reads the numbers again as Simon essentially rolls his eyes at this whole season. Good to have you back, Simon. David’s dad is really excited at all the money he’s about to skim off his son. I hear he’s taking classes for Joe Simpson. I remain facinated at this season’s ability to go so far that Randy Jackson completely ran out of words.

The Winner:

David Archuletta. No shocker there, is it? The judges had to be surgically removed from his penis tonight, and there’s nothing David Cook could’ve done to stop it. Archuletta’s got talent, no doubt, but not enough, and not anything that’s going to impact the market today. They said multiple times tonight that this is a competition to find the best singer, and of course, it’s not really. But the longer they delude themselves about that, the more the show fails to produce anything other than Ford Ads and winners heading straight to musical theatre. But what do I know? Hocking…Out!

Last week, right before Fox’s TV upfronts, they announced that they’d signed Seth McFarland to a contract which guarenteed him, like, $50 in exchange for 800,000 new cartoons and his immortal soul. Not bad for a guy whose show was cancelled a few years ago.

Now we’ll know the answer to the question: Does Cleveland Really Need His Own Show?

(Hint: No.)