Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. CBS Bought CNet. Essentially, this is CBS bailing Ziff Davis’ publishing arm out to the tune of $1.8 billion. In the deal, CBS gets pretty much all of ZDnet’s online assets including CNET and Gamespot. Interestingly, CNET’s in bed with Yahoo, so CBS might be moving in that direction.

2. EA Is Going Crazy. I’m not even talking about how they’re offering $2 billion for Take 2 Interactive. EA execs are promising a revolution in Madden this year. No, they’re not changing the core gameplay. Instead, they’re offering up a “revolutionary holographic interface.” What the hell does that even mean?

3. The TV Upfronts Were Announced. Was your favorite show cancelled? Probably. Sorry. One of our favorites Kid Nation was axed, and some other mighty fine TV is on its way out. Replacing it? Bad sitcoms and cop shows. WOO! Seriously though, TV sucks.

4. Touch Screens Are the Hot New Thing, Yo. Microsoft, Blackberry, TMobile and a few others are announcing new touch sensitive projects on the heels of the iPhone and the iPod Touch. Why is Touch Technology catching on? Because people love to grope things.

5. Midway Announced Mortal Kombat vs DC. Finally, now we can learn who would win in a fight between Superman and…uh…Sub Zero? Wait, I don’t think I was ever wondering that. It’s an interesting concept anyway, but we’ll see what the execution looks like.

Without a doubt, one of my favorite perks of being a columnist for OO is my semi-annual reviews of Adam Ryland’s Total Extreme Wrestling series. With the 2008 version right around the corner, I caught up with Adam to get his thoughts on the new game, the line between fiction and reality in computer simulations, and the process of creating a fictional universe that will appeal to today’s wrestling fans (something I know absolutely nothing about!).

(MH – Matt Hocking, AR – Adam Ryland)

MH: When I talked to you in 2006, TEW 2007 was just about to be released and you and I had kind of come to the consensus that you were running out of new features to add to the game, but going down the features list for ‘08, you’ve added just a ton of new things. What was the inspiration from that point? Did the year off kind of crystallize your view of what could change about the series?

AR: The catalyst was really the time I spent working on World of Mixed Martial Arts (WMMA) last year; that was a new experience for me in that it was both my first game outside of wrestling, and it was the first time in years that I’d done a game all the way from an absolute blank slate to a commercial release. Getting to come at things from an entirely new angle was a refreshing change, and I realised that a lot of the ideas and techniques that I had come up with for that game would work really well if applied to TEW. Once I had a handful of new ideas going the entire process just snow-balled from there, and I think I came up with a bullet pointed list with over two hundreds potential additions and changes for TEW in a three day period.

MH: Any time we talk about wrestling now, the elephant in the room is how badly the industry has been rocked with scandal the past few years. There’s been the multiple steroid reports, painkiller addictions and so on. Obviously, I wouldn’t expect you to want to deal with the somewhat darker implications of all of this (i.e. the Chris Benoit situation), but in a simulator like this, I would think that it kind of has to be addressed. Is it something that you figure into the game?

AR: It’s something that I intentionally don’t spend too much time on. Steroid drug usage and the effects of them are simulated within the game, but it’s on a smaller scale that what happens in reality. I think it’s one area where it’s better to not simulate reality fully – we all know that wrestling is a pretty murky world “behind the scenes”, I think the majority of the players don’t really want to be playing a game where that’s shoved in their faces all the time. Although TEW has heavy simulation aspects, it is also meant to be part escapist fun too, so you don’t want things to get too dark.

MH: I know that one of the shining portions of the game deals with the fictionalized “Cornelleverse,” the created wrestling universe that has been guided creatively by fans of the series from version to version. I know you’ve created this primarily because of the licensing issues involved with the major corporations, but is this something that new fans will be able to get into easily, or is it mostly service to longtime fans of the series who are already involved with these characters?
AR: Oddly enough, as the Cornellverse keeps expanding and getting more detailed, I think it’s also becoming more and more accessible to new players. I think that’s because there’s such a big fan-influenced movement behind it, with loads of related graphics and diaries being produced, and that helps people get immersed in the world. TEW08 features loads of characters alternate versions that were created by fans, it’s really becoming a mass effort now.

MH: One big alteration you’ve made with this version is the promotional battle system. In this system, the best promotions can “damage” the popularity of the promotions below it. Is it a concern that a really big powerhouse in the game would absolutely crush anybody underneath them, or is there some kind of checks and balances to make sure that the lower promotions have a fighting chance?

AR: Finding the right balance was definitely the key point to the battle systems. In the end, we decided on a system whereby the game world can handle two massive promotions per area, and a third can just about survive if it’s clever; once a fourth or fifth enters the fray, that’s when it starts getting really nasty. That seemed to be the fairest way, as it stops one promotion being absolutely untouchable, but at the same time prevents a glut of companies all enjoying a big piece of the pie.

MH: The TEWs have always been a bit daunting in the amount of information they throw at a player at any given time. Have you made any changes to this year’s version to streamline things a bit for new players?

AR: Yeah, we’ve made a big deal out of trying to make it as painless as possible. Mainly it’s little things, like packaging a lot of the information into easy-to-read English paragraphs that quickly summarize what used to be several lines of stats, or having the screens altered so that you have immediate access to the vitals, but can dig a little deeper if you want to get your hands a bit dirty with full-on stats. We’re basically trying to accommodate both the long-term stat junkie and the guy who wants to blast through a couple of hours for fun.

MH: You’ve added “Ring Rust” as a stat within the game, something that real life companies are ever mindful of. However, a lot of times, a worker won’t be hired by a company in one of my games for years at a time, is there a point where a worker will become totally unusable due to the amount of rust he or she has acquired?

AR: Wrestlers recover pretty swiftly from ring rust, we went the concept that it’s like riding a bike – you never forget how to do it, you just might take a few minutes to get back into the swing of things if you haven’t done it for ages. So even if a wrestler has been only working independent shows for a few years, give him a handful of matches to work and he’ll be back up to speed in no time. There’s also the option to send him down to a development territory if you have one with specific instructions for him to work to remove his ring rust ASAP.

MH: One thing I noticed is that you’ve said you can run multiple different types of brand under the umbrella of one company. For example, you can run a Sports Entertainment themed brand alongside a lucha or an all-female brand. How will that work with fanbases? Will the brands have their own distinct fanbases, or will all the fans still be attached to the company as a whole, and only the show content is different?

AR: That was one of the hardest parts to work on, as conceptually it’s such a radical change – the idea that a promotion can have completely separate parts to it, catering to different fans. The way we’ve handled it in TEW08 is that you have you overall promotion style, and that is what you are known for, that’s what the fans are attracted to. Your brands can then have separate identities, but they modify the overall style rather than replacing it; so there’s always an element of the main style that remains. So rather than catering to a completely new set of fans you are addressing a niche part of the audience you already have, with the caveat that you can draw some extra fans in too.

MH: How is the “Force Push” system different than the old method of pushing? In TEW ‘07, if I didn’t like someone, I could just set his push to “Opener” and job him out of the company, or set a guy I liked to Main Eventer and let him dominate the roster. Is “Force Push” just an extension of that old method?

AR: Basically Force Push is to make the user’s life easier. A lot of people like to use the Auto Push feature, which essentially organizes your roster into its “best” status, in other words giving everyone the push the AI thinks is best for them. The one issue with that was that it did the entire roster, so if you had a particular wrestler you were purposely giving a overly-generous push to (or punishing by killing his push) you would have to go back after using the Auto Push and re-do the change. Force Push simply allows you to set certain people to be exempt from the Auto Push.

MH: Now a few quick questions. Do you think the game would be better if I was a main character in everyone’s federations?

AR: I think you should watch out for “Shocking” Matt Hocking’s rise to the top of the Cornellverse…

MH: Now that TEW ‘08 is pretty much in the bag, how long do you enjoy that before the wheels start spinning on the next project?

AR: Probably not long :-p After the release I intend to do some extra database work to both TEW08 and WMMA, mainly for my own amusement, and then I’ll probably get started on a new project sometime in July.

MH: Do you have a favorite “Cornellverse” Character?

AR: I’ve always had a soft spot for Star Wars obsessive Toby Juan Kanobi, because of all the dumb puns I added to the game, that’s the most groan inducing A lot of the luchadores are also growing on me, as some of the weird and wacky mask graphics that we have are very cool to look at.

MH: Is it too late for me to suggest an in-game event where one of your female workers gets indicted in a high-class prostitution scandal?

AR: No……..ah, now it is. The deadline actually passed as I was typing. Bad luck.

MH: What new feature do you think makes the biggest impact on gameplay?

AR: I think the new personality system will have a pretty big impact, as it allows wrestlers to develop different characteristics over time – I can definitely see people living to regret giving their favourite guy a monster push when he develops an ego the size of Texas and demands that you bow to him before he will even consider negotiating a contract extension…

MH: Anything else you’d like to add?

AR: The trial of the game comes out on June 1st, the retail version on June 8th, all at www.greydogsoftware.com. You can also read my developer’s journal there, which explains all the new features that are going to be in. Check it out, you know you want to

My thanks to Adam for the interview. Check back in June to find out whether or not TEW ‘08 lives up to the hype right here at Hock Show Dot Com.

Places of Interest

Stonetalon Peak
Sun Rock Retreat
The Charred Vale

Right in the middle of Kalimdor sit the Stonetalon Mountains, a third tier zone along the lines of the Redridge Mountains in the Eastern Kingdoms, with the notable exception that the Horde and Alliance share space in this zone. This can lead to a lot of fighting and town raids happening here on well populated PvP servers.

Interestingly, unlike Redridge, the Stonetalon Mountains are almost completely useless for either side. It’s not that the quests are bad or hard, most of them are well connected, happen in the same couple areas, and aren’t terribly difficult. But to get to the zone, players have to go way out of their way, either heading through Ashenvale first, or through the Barrens, both better places to level your character than Stonetalon anyway, making the zone largely a space eater than an actual questing area.

Mining: Copper, Tin, Silver, Gold, Iron, Mithril, Truesilver. Extrodinarily good mining in this area, especially at this level. The entry level minerals are cluttered around the north and are very easily accessable for lower level characters. Midlevel characters can travel to the Charred Vale where they might even find the occasional Mithril or Truesilver deposit, very unusual for characters at this level.

Herbalism: Briarthorn, Bruiseweed, Mageroyal, Kingsblood, Wild Steelbloom. It’s not crazy good or anything, but worth the effort to gather if you’re in the area. The presence of some mid-tier herbs is notable, but they don’t come in high enough quantities to be really exciteda bout it.

Cloth: Linen, Wool, Silk A few different mob types drop cloth in the area, mostly wool, but again, not at terribly excellent rates. The Harpies in the Charred Vale drop cloth at a pretty nice rate, and it’s a good spot to collect some silk at a lower level if you need it.

Leather: Light Leather, Medium Leather, Heavy Leather A few mobs drop a good and varied amount of leather which is nice for any prospective skinners out there. A nice selection throughout the zone, which makes it worth the trip.

The surrounding areas provide better leveling opportunities, so some characters might not even visit Stonetalon until long after the zone would mean anything to their leveling. It’s not a bad spot for some PvP, and a few quests demand that you at least stop by Redridge to complete them, but otherwise this is a zone you don’t have to feel bad about passing over during your level grinding.

Everybody’s singing three songs tonight! Everybody’s visiting their home towns! Hopefully somebody shows up to Syesha’s pep rally, or she’ll end up sad and alone like poor Melinda Doolittle.

Ryan’s got his serious face on tonight, which should let you know that everything is serious. He’s also got a wicked five o’clock shadow that makes it look like he hasn’t slept in a week. This…Is American Idol!

David Archuleta
Singing: “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel (courtesy of Paula), “With You” by Chris Brown, and “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg (courtesy of Nigel Lythgoe)
Home Town Visit: David is flanked by his creepy dad and Mayor McCheese, which is pretty awesome. It’s like he’s still having his birthday at McDonald’s every year. Except we all know that birthdays are for winners, don’t we, David?
Performance:
And So It Goes: Weird song choice, but I guess we’ll see how it goes. It’s always fun to play the “Let’s see if we can guess what the producers think of the contestants based on what judge is assigned to them” game. This year, Paula’s “safe” pick is Wheezy. Big shocker there. I honestly thought Simon would’ve tackled this mountain. Typically boring performance, so he didn’t exactly come out swinging.
With You: What, no Sean Kingston? Might’ve been a better choice, actually. David apparently sings this song to himself all the time, which is…sad. There’s some fun awkwardness with Ryan about where he’s supposed to be standing, which just allows me to note that David’s been raiding Blake Lewis’ “golf caddie” pants drawer. REALLY awful and awkward at the start when he’s calling out for his “boo.” Dorky white guys should not be singing this. Actually pretty good through the home stretch though.
Longer: Simon immediatelly calls out Lythgoe for picking shitty songs this week which is pretty fantastic. I do love it when they fight. David’s in his pleather pants again, despirately grabbing for that Chris Hansen vote. One of his better performances to date because he doesn’t go overboard with it, but it’s still more “Taylor Hicks” than anything else.
Judges Say: You played it too safe, but that should be good enough for now.
I Say: Without Daddy’s pressure, he had one of his best weeks so far.
Change: +2
Score: +1

Syesha Mercado
Singing: “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys (Courtesy of Randy), “Fever” by Peggy Lee, “Hit Me Up” by Gia Farrell (Courtesy of Nigel Lythgoe)
Home Town Visit: Syesha apprently spends the entire time locked in a limo reading text messages that she can’t decipher from Randy Jackson.
Performance:
If I Ain’t Got You: Syesha’s still looking pretty good, y’all. Syesha gets the Randy Jackson “Silly Song Choice” award this season, when he bets that she’ll sing Alicia Keys well because they’re both *black*! There’s a random Justin Guarini cameo in the crowd during this song that really distracts me for some reason. It’s not bad, but it’s not great either, which is exactly what Randy Jackson will give you.
Fever: Syesha with a prop chair! See, this is the problem, she’s putting out great performances right now, but the problem is that she’s basically openly admitting that she’d rather be on Fame than Idol. Way theatrical, but pretty sexy. Everybody pretty much falls all over themselves to hate on it, but she’s way better than Archie tonight.
Hit Me Up: A song from “Surf’s Up?” Is that really the best they could come up with? Seriously though, she actually handles this one like a pro. She could probably have one of those lower eschelon Beyonce careers if she really wanted one (she doesn’t). Booty popping! Simon can’t get over the fact that this song was from Surf’s Up! Justin Guarini again! Poofy Hair Twins Unite!
Judges Say: Even Paula knows the writing’s on the wall here.
I Say: She’s getting to go out on a high note, anyway.
Change: +3
Score: +5

David Lee Cook
Singing: “The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack (Courtesy of Simon), “Dare You To Move” by Switchfoot, and “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith (Courtesy of Nigel Lythgoe)
Home Town Visit: David would rather check his texts than be on some crappy morning news show. Seriously, were the mayors of Tampa and Kansas City *that* busy?
Performance:
The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face: I love that even Ryan is like, “Huh?!” at this song choice. Hey, Simon gets to play the odds in this one, and he likes to make the favorites sing whatever the hell he feels like hearing. David starts off in a really weird place, but kind of gets things going by the end. He’s almost there and then it’s over.
Dare You To Move: There’s a whole weird thing with him and a flower in his guitar commemorating the honor of Jason Castro or something. Again, he starts out really slow, but kicks into gear towards the end of the song. Paula makes a good point (what?!) about the fact that, as hard as it is to cut these songs, maybe you should do more than just sing through the chorus at this stage in the game.
I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing: Weird cutaways to David’s mom every ten seconds. The judges just want to fellatiate Diane Warren a whole lot because she’s sitting right behind them. I’d love to know who put sominex in Cook’s Coffe this morning because, once again, he starts off like he’s half asleep, then around the one minute mark he kicks into gear. Wait…Does Papa Archuletta still have access to the contestant’s coffee? Because that would explain EVERYTHING.
Judges Say: Not your best night ever, but it’s not like it really matters.
I Say: You’re safe, of course, but try singing the WHOLE song next week.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +4

If there were any justice in the world, Syesha would find a way to sneak in alongside David Cook in the finals, but there isn’t. She’ll go on to do Broadway or community theatre or whatever anyway, so no shocker there. Archuletta pulled off a couple of his better performances of the year, but he’s still miles behind the other two in terms of marketabilty and personality.

Eliminated:

Syesha Mercado. Of course. Neither Cook nor Archuletta were anything special, and while last year’s ouster of Melinda proves that the semi-final is not a good week for the charismaless “best singer” to rest on his/her laurels, it won’t matter for young Archie. So we speed headlong into the most predictable finale in Idol history. I can only hope that Mayor McCheese shows up to make things more interesting.

I went and saw Iron Man this weekend. It was pretty badass, one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while, and probably among my favorite Superhero movies, ranking right up there with the first X-Men and Batman Begins.

A little less cool? Cheesy Sixties Cartoon Iron Man! He’s a cool exec with a heart of steel, y’all. Don’t fuck with Iron Man!

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. The Grand Theft Auto Fall Out Continues. The PS3 is locking up, every activist group in the history of creation wants it banned from stores, and the public at large, well…they’ve spent $500 million on it since release.

2. Left at the Alter by Yahoo, Microsoft Wants to Buy Facebook. I don’t get it. Not that I dont think that Facebook is one of the more viable online entertainment properties, but does Microsoft really need this? Is their Federal Rebate check burning a hole in their pocket or something? They couldn’t find any Wiis?

3. EA Games Has No Faith in Consumers. Plans were to use the latest SecuROM security encryption on Spore and the Mass Effect PC Game. Those protocols? Require you to enter your CD key every time you play the game for the first month after activation. EA has since scaled back its support of SecuROM, but you can’t figure that it’s not going to rear its head again soon.

4. The Webbies Were Announced. No, Hock Show didn’t win any. Yes, the whole thing is rigged. Seriously, how does Prince, a guy who hates the Internet have a Lifetime Acchievement Webbie, and I’ve got a shelf full of nothing? Winner of the best Celebrity site? Annielennox.com. Best Social Networking site? Flock. Huh?! Are they even paying attention?

5. Roger Clemmons Had Sex With Everybody. Seriously, though, with all the women coming forward to say that he had an affair with them, I’m shocked the dude had any time to pitch. At least that ad where he doesn’t notice his wife stopped talking to him makes a little more sense now.

So, the old Online Onslaught domain expired, and a lot of people asked me what happened, and my response was mostly, “I dunno?” Well, it’s a long story, one that mostly involves Network Solutions being pricks, Rick being silly when he registered the site, and then some dude in India bought it so he could cybersquat.

Anyway, long story short, Online Onslaught is back. Hold your applause, hold your applause. Ok, go ahead and cheer.

The RAW Satire will return next week.

Places of Interest

Lakeshire
Yeah…That’s Pretty Much It.

One can find the Redridge Mountains just east of Elwynn Forest and Duskwood, and just south of the Burning Steppes. While one can level a good deal in Redridge, it is meant primarily to serve as a stopgap for players coming out of the second tier zones (like Loch Modan and Westfall) until they can complete quests in Duskwood. The zone is built for the Alliance, and no Horde flight path services this area.

This is likely the first “Contested” zone that Alliance players will come across, and as such it’s a prime target for Horde raiders on PvP servers. Especially with the close proximity to the upper-level zone, the Burning Steppes, higher level Horde take a great deal of pleasure coming in and preying on the low level characters passing through this area. This has made Redridge a virtual ghost town on some servers, with Alliance characters preferring the relative safety of leveling in the Wetlands.

Mining: Copper, Tin, Silver. Very good mining prospects, especially along the fringes of the zone. There aren’t many better places to level your mining skill at this level, if you’re not already past the “Tin” stage of your development.

Herbalism: Earthroot, Briarthorn, Bruiseweed, Mageroyal. Not an overabundant amount of Herbs to be collected, but it is fairly decent. The south and eastern portions of the zone are your best bet. Briarthorn collectors will find pretty good concentrations here, along with the usual ammounts of accompanying Swifthistle.

Cloth: Linen, Wool, Silk Several different types of humanoids in the zone make gathering a little easier and more interesting. Wool can be found in very good concentration here, and the higher level orc mobs will occasionally drop a portion of silk, though not really in great numbers.

Leather: Light Leather, Ruined Scraps, Medium Leather, Black Whelp Scale There are a couple mobs that are skinnable here, though you’re mostly stuck with the boars to the south. As such, it’s a pretty poor place to go to level your skill. However, the presence of the Black Dragon Whelps in the southeast makes it a worthy target for anyone trying to grab the Whelp Tunic or cloak.

Redridge Mountains is a fairly boring zone that mostly serves as a sort of purgatory for lower level characters until they’re ready to get into the higher level zones. The quests are actually fairly easy and well grouped for the most part, with a few large exceptions, but as a player, you’re not likely to spend enough time here to realize that. That’s especially true of PvP servers where this zone should be avoided when possible.

Yeah, it’s the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Did you want a history lesson? Too bad! I tuned out the minute Ryan said “This…is American Idol.” Actually, it’s on my short list of places to visit some day. Check out the wacky building design!

So, there’s a bunch of artists in there so that means there are a bunch of songs. So that opens up the song book a bit wider than in most weeks. Who will take advantage? (Spoiler: Syesha?!) Who won’t? (Spoiler: Jason!) Will it matter because neither of their names are David? Probably not!

David Lee Cook
Singing: “Hungry Like a Wolf” by Duran Duran and “Baba O’Riley” by The Who
David Says: Y’all can tell I’m just sailing by here, right? Ok, great.
Performance:
Hungry Like a Wolf: Hahaha, that’s awesome. Only on this show can you get away with chosing “Hungry Like a Wolf” and be totally serious about it. David starts off in a very bad place, and then doesn’t go anywhere with it. He’s really just spinning his wheels here until the finals. You can tell that he knows this is pretty awful. I do like that the music swells and gets all dramatic, only to have David just launch into the chorus again, though.
Baba O’Riley: Teenage Wastelaaaaaaaand! Teenage Waaastland! He does some pretty unmentionable things with the chorus, which is pretty much all the song is in this cut. It’s better than his first song, but it’s still kind of the same kind of self indulgent junk that pisses me off about David Lee.
Judges Say: I don’t know what happened to David Cook, but we’d like him back.
I Say: It really doesn’t matter at this point, but he was pretty mediocre.
Change: -2
Score: +4

Syesha Mercado
Singing: “Proud Mary” by Credence Clearwater Revival (by way of Tina Turner) and “A Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke
Syesha Says: I want to go home third.
Performance:
Proud Mary: Pretty obvious choice here. Dare I say that Syesha is trying to be a little bit sexy with the hip swivels and whatnot. It’s interesting, because now that she can’t hide behind anybody and she’s under the gun, Syesha’s dropping the performances of her life just to get third place. Wacky. I’m totally distracted by the fact that the camera guy on Randy is trying to frame Carly’s cleavage into the shot.
A Change Is Gonna Come: It’s a black history song, so Syesha feels a deep connection to it. She’s a little shouty on the power notes, but all in all, once again, she gives one of her best performances of the season. Randy gives her no love and she starts bawling and is basically a mess from the time the song ends to when Ryan throws to Castro’s video package, but she saved herself another week.
Judges Say: Too bad you didn’t start the season off like this.
I Say: It’s too bad she’s playing for the bronze, because she was really good.
Change: +3
Score: +2

Jason Castro
Singing: “I Shot the Sheriff” by Bob Marley and “Tamberine Man” by Bob Dylan
Jason Says: Duuuuude…wait…what?
Performance:
I Shot the Sheriff: Wow…What a train wreck this was, eh? I mean, of course Castro couldn’t wait to break out the stoner powers and do a Marley song, but he doesn’t have the voice to bring it. Plus, he let the backup singers sing a majority of the chorus while he danced around like a fool. Love the prop guitar though. Simon Cowell, of all people, suddenly gets all, “You can’t touch Bob Marley!” and even Paula knows he sucks. Points to Jason for mouthing vote a million times though after Ryan gave his numbers.
Tamberine Man: It’s as if Jason knew it was his week to go home, so he’s just going to let the drug references flow tonight. I do like that he said, “Two Bobs! You can’t go wrong!” Oh, Jason…You know, he forgets a whole line there (“Jingle Jangle Morning” of all things), but I’m going to chalk that up to the fact that he wanted to be authentic to the “Dylan” experience. Still, really awful.
Judges Say: That’s just about enough of you.
I Say: Well, I’d love to say that it was fun while it lasted but…you know….
Change: -4
Score: -10

David Archuleta
Singing: “Stand By Me” by Ben E. King and “Love Me Tender” by Elvis Pressley
David Says: I’ll see you in the finals, bitches! (paraphrased)
Performance:
Stand By Me: “I picked ‘Stand By Me.’” Well, of course you did. It’s a solid vocal, on par with his best vocals this season, except that he’s really trying to overdo those power notes. This song does not need that. Really. Not as good as the Rockapella version, but a very safe/good performance.
Love Me Tender: David is squinting harder than he’s ever squinted before. Love him or he’s going to send his eyebrows after you! I was just going to comment on how he’s pared down the gasping this week, but it makes its stunning return about thirty seconds in. Am I really supposed to buy that he’s a big romantic?
Judges Say: You’ve crushed the competition….
I Say: …under your massive eyebrows.
Change: +2
Score: -1

A standing ovation for Syesha who has really brought the heat the last couple weeks. I mean, at this point, it’s not even worth it, but she’s bound and determined to make her last few minutes on the show worthwhile, and I really appreciate that. Jason Castro, on the other hand, obviously doesn’t give a shit if he goes home or not. He’s just working his way to his next bowl. The two Davids? Irratatingly smug, but I’m going to have to get used to one of them winning, and I much prefer the more marketable Cook.

Bottom Two:

Syesha Mercado
Jason Castro

Eliminated:

Jason Castro. This is pretty much the biggest slam dunk in Idol history. The only thing that could save Castro is if Syesha’s magical audience which suddenly appears every voting night and then vanishes immediately thereafter doesn’t show up this week. Clearly, he could care less, and that’s pretty much all the public needs to know.

There’s nothing that shows you’re “one with the people” quite like enjoying a nice, relaxing cup of gas station coffee. Sure, it’s kind of syrupy, and it’s really unhealthy, but dammit, there’s nothing quite as American as that stuff. I mean, only an elitist, America-hating bastard wouldn’t know how to run a gas station coffee machine, right?

Well, I guess Hilary hasn’t ever seen one of these newfangled devices before. I love how the one gas station employee is just standing there watching her struggle with the one button the machine offeres to shoot out French Vanilla or whatever Hil-Rod was going for. I’d bet $100 that that chick is totally backing Ron Paul.