In case you hadn’t heard, there’s a Net Neutrality movement going on that’s promising to sweep the world and make internet free for everyone. What’s that? You haven’t heard about the net neutrality movement? Only the greatest movement in the history of all movements?

No?

Ok, well, I don’t blame you. The whole thing seems to be organized around a bunch of Scandanavian kids staring at this girl’s cleavage and yelling a lot. Her boobs are like, the pied piper of Net Neutrality. Her name, by the way, is Tania Derveaux, and she once ran for Belgian Parliment by offering to have sex with anybody who voted for her. How did she lose? Now she’s offering her…um…services…to anyone who supports a free Internet, which explains why these guys are taking time off from raiding Karazhan to follow her around.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Bill Gates Retires. Hates Windows. To celebrate the retirement of Microsoft founder Bill Gates, several pages of internal Microsoft e-mails were released this week. Among the most amusing of them was about 3 pages of Bill Gates bitching that he simply could not figure out how to download Windows MovieMaker. Reading his increasingly bitchy e-mails to his increasingly paniced staff is highly entertaining.

2. It Was Just a Plain Bad Week for Sports. Don Imus spouted off on PacMan Jones, Shaq rapped, a ton of top seeds at Wimbledon got knocked off, the NBA Draft was really boring, and Houston Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon beat the crap out of his GM. Why doesn’t anything like that happen in golf? I want to see Phil Mickleson thwack his caddie with a four iron.

3. The U.S. Government is Investigating Amazon. Amazon currently avoids online sales tax because it does not own any of its warehouses. Well…except that the companies that own those facilities, are themselves owned by Amazon. The feds are, as one might expect, a little miffed that they’re not getting their cut of your crappy CD sale.

4. The North Pole Might Not Be Frozen. For the first time it might be possible to sail over the North Pole this year. The math on it is kind of hinky, but if it does appear that there’ll be a few weeks where there won’t be any ice there. And scientists are predicting that that ice might be entirely gone by 2030. Which kind of sucks, eh?

5. Obama Donates to the Clinton Campaign. The Democratic Primary race is finally, finally over, but Obama is going to milk it for everything it’s worth now. He’s donated $2,300 to the Clinton campaign. She is, of course around $2 million in the hole for her campaign, but don’t worry about it, Chelsea is taking a job at Starbucks and I hear you get the tips out of the tips jar now!

Last Week: Lance Cade, man. Can you believe that? Lance Cade: Main Event Superstar. Rick and his Baby Mama got some cash. And That Damn Penguin totally left Triple H hanging. Who will leave him hanging…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

There’s a veritable bevy of Announcers at ringside. Hey! Mike Adamle! I hope he has to announce every match!

Triple H vs. Mark Henry

Sadly, this is not a title match. Last year’s draft rules apply, meaning that the winner’s brand gets the pick, and all of the picks are done by hitting Select and letting Smackdown vs. RAW’s random character selection screen pick the “winner.” This, of course, means that half the roster won’t even be included and there’s a good chance that somebody who hasn’t been with the company for over a year will get picked. Come oooooon Benoit. Hunter points at his crotch, which is a total shout out to Michael Hayes, who also has a crotch. Mark starts to cry about how nobody takes him seriously as a wrestler, and Hunter hits the PEDIGREE TO MARK HENRY~! for the win.

Who will I have to put up with? Come on! Big Bucks! No Whammies! Big Bucks! And STOP!

Rey Misterio? Who the hell is that?

Rey comes out and waves at the crowd for a minute while Triple H is all, “Wait…when did they bring back the Juniors Division? I wanted Super Porky, dammit!”

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When we come back, Vince has the money wheeled out on stage. Can I trade my draft pick for some of that? Because I am really poor.

Vince McMahon: I know what you’re all thinking, but no, you can’t trade your draft picks for some of this money! Instead, I’m going to hand out $100,000 to some totally random stranger who remembers this weeks’ password. “BMPHX” Here’s Kelly Kelly to explain.

Kelly Kelly: Um…You win money? Like…ok?

Vince: Yes, thank you for that, Kelly. Now, let’s call Crystal and see if she wins.

Krystal: Hello? Who is this?

Vince: Sure, now somebody says “Hello.” Krystal, what’s the password?

Krystal: BMPHX?

Vince: HAHAHAHAHA! No!

Kelly: Um…yes it was. Idiot.

Vince: Oh. Yeah. Sigh. I guess I have to give away a lot of money.

Krystal: Serves you right for firing me because I wouldn’t slut it up like Lita.

Then Kelly Kelly dances around like a moron. Backstage….

Rey Misterio: Man, I’m not even coming back until next year’s draft or whatever. I don’t know why everybody’s so excited that I’m here.

Triple H: I’m not very excited at all, if it’s any consolation. I wanted Domino.

Rey: How is it fair to ECW that only RAW and Smackdown fought over that pick anyway?

HHH: Hahahahahaha! ECW! HA!

Rey: Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOO!

Rey: Hi, John.

Cena: You did NOT just interrupt me! Wait…is this one of them Make A Wish kids?

HHH: Yeah, I think so. Anyway, John, no matter what happens tonight, I want you to know that you will never beat me for the WWE Spinnin’ Title. Not in a million billion years.

Cena: Dude, come on. I know it’s true, but you don’t have to be such a dick about it. Can’t you just beat me down in peace and let me rap once in a while? Please?

HHH: John, to be the man, you’ve got to beat the man. And…um…also have sex with Stephanie McMahon.

Cena: I was with you until that last little part.

HHH: Trust me, I know.

Rey: Hi…Um…Guys? I’m in this segment too, you know! Guys…so…um…I’ll just stand here then? That’s cool. I mean…I guess that’s cool.

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Fit and Hornswoggle Finlay vs. Santino Marella and Carlito Caribbean Cool

Santino’s rocking a pretty wicked pornstache here, but I can’t tell if that makes me feel better about his character or not. Has anybody ever explained why Hornswoggle always has soot all over his face? Is that an Irish thing? Is it because he’s never had a real mother to wipe the smudges off? I hear Carlito’s disgruntled, so how hilarious will it be when he ends up jobbing to Hornswoggle? Wait a second, how are Santino and Carlito the number one contenders when Ted DiBiase Jr. (by himself) is already number one contender(s)? Hornswoggle with the Big Boot on Santino for the win. HA!

Big Bucks! No Whammies! Big Bucks! Oooh! Hey! Robot Vacuum Cleaner! Screw the Big Bucks, I want a Rhoomba! And it stops on…Jeff Hardy?!

Jeff Hardy: Hell yeah! I may have two strikes against me here on RAW, but it’s a CLEAN SLATE on Smackdown, baby! WOO! Who wants to come to my house…er…Volcano for some X and raving?!

Um…Never mind.

(ads)

Vince is back out on stage. Let’s get this over with!

Vince McMahon: Since Kelly Kelly was such a lovely guest, I’m going to bring out the most pretty WWE Superstar on any brand! The most beautiful Diva WWE has ever had-

Is it Charlie Haas?

Randy Orton: It’s me! Pretty Randy Orton, who is also Pretty! And my arm hung jury may be forking me not to vessle, but I swear, with Todd as my witless, I will come back sooner or lately, beater up Josh Cellar and Triopoly H and reign again as Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and holder of the WEW Chocolate Chip.

Vince: Ok, let’s see who’s going to win the next batch of money, eh?

Orton: It’s their DESTINY, Vince! DESTINY TO THEM!

Samira: Thank you for calling Samira’s Pizza Pit, can I tell you about our specials?

Vince: Um…what’s the password?

Samira: I’m sorry sir, we’re all out of Password Pizzas. Those things sell like…well…pizzas, I guess. We do have a large bacon lover’s pizza, though. It’s three pounds of cheese on top of a creamy bacon sauce, with 40,000 Baco-Bits sprinkled on the top, slices of bacon baked into the crust, and a light chocolate sauce drizzled over it all.

Orton: That sounds amazing! I’ll take three!

Samira: That’ll be $100,000. We should have your pizzas ready in 24-48 hours. Thank you for calling Samira’s, have a wonderful day!

Vince: You got lucky!

(ads)

Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes vs. Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neeley

Ted DiBiase Jr. is out on commentary again. His sole comment? “Well, yeah, I may have a lot of money, but Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes, I mean…They…have…going to lose?” And then Mike Adamle goes into shock and Tazz spends the rest of the match trying not to resuscitate him. Chavo helpfully lifts himself into position so Holly can hit the Alabama Slam on him. That was pretty nice. Poor Chavo. Wasn’t he just main-eventing Smackdown? I still have no clue who Bam Neeley is, by the way.

Ok! RAW Again! Should be a good one! Big Money! No Whammy’s! Oooh, a trip to Nepal! I’ve never been! And STOP!

CM Punk? Who?! We got ROBBED!

CM Punk: Dude, anybody want to buy this briefcase? If I’m jobbing to the ECW guys, I’ll be lucky to break out of dark matches on this show. So…seriously…$100?

Backstage, Chris Jericho is combing his hair. At least he’s not oiling up again. What was with that?

(ads)

Jericho’s out in the ring now, so that’s…progress?

Chris Jericho: Yeah, so I guess we’re wasting time so that nothing crazy like Funaki accidentally getting drafted again or the stage collapsing happens. Look, I don’t know if you guys are hip to the times or whatever, but I’m feuding with Shawn Michaels right now, and it’s become a WWE tradition that, once a year, whoever’s feuding with Shawn has to roll out this clip montage of him attacking his friends. So, here it is, yo. Roll it!

Shawn sure has super kicked a lot of people in his time. Marty Jannetty, Jamison, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan, that cat one time, Cena, Batista, Jesus….

Jericho: So, as you can see, pretty much anybody vaguely associated with Shawn over the past however many years has been kicked in the face. Say, is anybody willing to pony up a little cash and get me a new TV? I kind of miss that now. Oh! Hey! Remember when Lance Cade totally main-evented last week? Hahahahaha…what was up with that? Let’s ask him!

Lance Cade: Did you know Shawn Michaels taught me to wrestle? And guess what? I’m terrible! Sure, London and Kendrick don’t bitch about it, but dammit, I’m going to start bitch slapping some people around here until I find out what went wrong.

Jericho: Yeah, good luck with that. Anyway, I totally think I ended Shawn Michaels career a few weeks ago because the guy has clearly never suffered anything worse than being slowly pushed at a TV, so I pretty much win at wrestling. See you all again in a few years.

Shawn Michaels: Oh no you don’t!

Shawn prances down to the ring and starts wailing on Jericho, but eventually the get tangled up in the ropes and Shawn falls off and lands on his face.

Shawn: Oh no! My stitches! I’ll never wrestle again!

Jericho: Now if you’ll excuse me, VH1 has a decade special on which I must commentate.

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Vickie Guerrero wheels on out.

Vickie Guerrero: So, the original plan was for me to run Hawkins and Ryder out here to try to win a draft pick for Smackdown, but then I realized…that I actually want to, you know, win the match. So here’s two other guys.

PLEASE BE JESSE AND FESTUS!

Miz and Morrison vs. The Hardy Boyz

Aw! Jeff, you’ll remember, was drafted to Smackdown earlier tonight. And if you don’t remember that, I don’t blame you, but it was only a couple of segments up the page here, so that’s a pretty lame excuse on your part. Start paying attention! Mike Adamle is having a grand time pointing out that he knows Miz’ real name now, which is nice. Matt goes to the top rope and I start laughing because…seriously, dude has NEVER hit a move from up there. Sure enough, Morrison yanks him off, but Matt knocks him down again and goes for the SECOND ROPE LEG DROP! AWESOME! Morrison rolls Matt up, however, and hooks the tights while ECW Referee Scott Armstrong counts the pin. FIX! I demand that WWE do an immediate review of its refereeing staff to prevent this kind of thing in the future.

Who, Oh, Who will ECW Get? No Whammies! No Whammies! Big Bucks! And…STOP! On a Whammy! OOOooh!

Whammy: Yes…It’s coming to me now! I see Financial Disaster in your future!

Jeff Hardy: Damn you, Whammy!

John Morrison: Wait a second. The Whammy is already on ECW.

Matt Hardy: Oh, hey! Yeah! Guess I’ll go then. It’s only fair since I got pinned!

Jeff: No!

Matt: Ha! In your face, Jeffers!

(ads)

Vince is back on stage. I wonder what he could possibly want?

Vince McMahon: It’s time to give out some more money, but these segments pretty much suck unless I have an awesome guest. Unfortunately, I just have Ric Flair here tonight. Come on out, Naitch!

Ric Flair: You kicked me out last week! I’ll never forgive you for that!

Vince: I’ll let you dial the phone!

Flair: WOO! I love you Vince!

Flair pulls out his rotary cell phone and dials a number while wandering backstage.

Vince: Ric Flair everybody! Now let’s call our big winner.

Donna: Who is this?

Vince: This is Vince McMahon, ma’am. You’ve just won $100,000 if you can tell me the password!

Donna: Ralph? Is this you? I told you to stop calling me. I’m with Barry now. You need to get over me.

Vince: Huh?

Donna: It’s over, Ralph! Leave me alone!

Vince: But, Donna! I still love you!

Donna: You’re stalking me! I’m calling the police!

Vince: Donna, everybody! I’m gonna keep that $100,000 to pay the legal bills that will inevitably come from the fallout of this segment.

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Backstage, Alexis Laree and Melina are unsuccessfully trying to coordinate their outfits.

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Did you know Alexis does a lot of community service? She should really stop getting arrested.

Alexis Laree and Melina vs. Natalya Neidhart and Victoria

Once again, ECW gets no love. Nattie and Victoria have coordinated shirts on anyway, which is more than I can say for Alexis and Melina. Did you know there’s going to be a Diva’s Title? WTF? The winners of this match get new announcers for their show. Aww…I’m going to miss Funaki. Seriously, if I was fighting over announcers, I’d just quit. Maybe Todd Grisham would like it better on ECW, though. Foley brings up Maria, which is just silly. Melina almost breaks her ankle, and the girls all pretty much come to the realization that they’re fighting over who gets to get leered at by Lawler, so they just bail. Which means that nobody wins! So both sides get a new announcer.

Jim Ross is heading to Smackdown. His reaction?

Jim Ross: Uh…No.

Good to see you’re keeping an open mind, Jimmy! Michael Cole? RAW, of course. Your response?

Michael Cole: Finally! Michael Cole gets his! You told me I’d never be anything, Mom! But LOOK AT ME NOW! LOOK AT ME NOW, BITCHES!!

This, of course, was predicted by the solid month of Mick Foley asking, “What if Jim Ross is drafted to Smackdown?!” during every single segment on Smackdown. Not that I ever watch Smackdown. Mick is just predictable like that.

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Vince is out with The Great Khali now. This should be fun.

Vince McMahon: The Great Khali is a movie star! Did you know that? He’s practically a main character in Get Smart, you guys! You know who else is practically a main character in Get Smart? The Rock! And he has a DVD! And this is kind of an ad for that because he’ll never show his face around here again! We should try to draft Anne Hathaway, though!

The Great Khali: AAAHGH ITHPACT BMPHX!

Vince: Yes, good point. Let’s make the call!

Donna: STOP CALLING ME!

Vince: Heh. Oops. Anyway, here’s our next call!

Justin: Hello? Who is this?

Vince: This is Vince McMahon! Do you know the password?

Justin: Excuse me? I can’t hear you. What did you say?

Khali: AAAAAAGGGH!

Vince: What is it, Khali?

Khali: Hello, my name is Bob from WWE Technical support, how can I help you today, sir?

Justin: Well, I was trying to win the $100,000 McMahon Money Grab, but I can’t seem to get through.

Khali: Ok, I think I can help you with that, sir. First, sir, is your phone plugged in? Phones need outlets and sometimes need to be plugged into power sockets to work properly, sir.

Justin: Yes, it’s plugged in.

Khali: Then, could you do this for me, sir? Check the sides of your phone to see if there’s a volume control. It might be a dial or perhaps some buttons, sir. Can you do that, sir? Sir?

Justin: Man, I’m looking, but I don’t see no volume controls on this.

Khali: All right, sir, I’m going to have to put you on hold for a minute, is that ok, sir?

Justin: Sure.

Khali: FLPPPPAAAACKH!

Edge comes out to applaud this.

(ads)

Edge vs. John Cena

Boy, I’ve never seen this match before. Seriously though, it’s nice to see these two guys in the ring together again. Are they near any water? I hope they fight out into a river again too. Wait, they’re in San Antonio? I thought they would’ve gone more nuts for Michaels. But it’s perfect, because they can go take it to the Rivercenter Mall. I’ll be really disappointed if they don’t do this now, because that would be really fantastic. Edge bails out to go hang out at Rivercenter, but Cena stays because…he wants a draft pick, I guess. I hope they don’t take OJ Mayo, though. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” runs out to yell at Edge for not telling him how ridiculous he looks with his new haircut. I mean…Geez.

Big Bucks! Big Bucks! No Whammies! No Whammies! This show would be SO much better if Wink Martindale was the host instead of Lillian Garcia and…STOP!

On Batista! No way!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am on the same show as my friend HUNTER! YAY!

(ads)

Backstage….

Edge: I mean, I know that Smackdown gets pillaged for talent every year, but geez. This is getting kind of pathetic. But really awesome for me! Who will I have to defend my title against? Shannon Moore? Fantastic! I mean, what? Oooh, Jeff Hardy! Hahahaha.

Vickie Guerrero: I know. I hate Smackdown too. I’m going to wheel myself down to ringside every week and heckle J.R. until he quits and we have to go with the awesome Zombie Josh Matthews/Mick Foley commentary team.

Edge: You know, even as a Zombie, Josh Matthews is pretty hot.

Vickie: Hey now!

Vince McMahon: No, he’s right. Not only that, but, quite frankly, he’s still the hottest Diva on any of our rosters. Just so we’re clear, you do know that you still have to fight Batista for the World Title at Night of the Living Champions, right?

Edge: I kinda miss “Vengeance.”

Vickie: Me too.

Vince: Me too, but, Oh well.

Edge: Did you know that the U.S. Title is currently being contested against two ECW guys on that PPV?

Vince: Them’s the bricks, kiddo.

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Tommy Dreamer (w/ Colin Delaney)

Oh, come ON! Poor Tommy. At least I get to see him wrestle again. Adamle starts off his commentary by awesomely forgetting that Matt Hardy got drafted to ECW and then being freaked the hell out by Colin Delaney’s mysterious appearance at ringside, despite the fact that he’d come to the ring about ten minutes earlier with Dreamer. Tazz has enough of this and just starts calling the match his damn self. Poor Tazz. Everybody in ECW has a hard luck story. Wouldn’t it have been hilarious if J.R. had been drafted there though? I’d love to see that blog post. MVP won about five minutes ago with a front kick. Um…k?

No Whammies! No Whammies! Big Bucks and STOP!

$1,000 and a Spin! Awesome! Ok, here we go. Big Bucks! No Whammies…Can I just pass that spin? No? Damn. And STOP!

Totally Not Jamal is now on Smackdown. Aw. I’ll miss you little guy! Not Jamal celebrates getting picked to go to the B-Brand by giving Tommy a Thumb to the Eye and throwing Colin into the ceiling. Too bad you won’t actually be facing those guys, dude. Seriously, though, was Kane busy or something? I love Tommy and everything, but come on, Teddy! You’ve got to be smarter than that. Awesomely, Adamle is very excited about the prospect of the Samoan Bulldog on Smackdown. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that one somewhere before.

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Speaking of which, would it kill Adamle to say “Needs More Kane?” Once? It’s all I’m asking for. If anybody can pull it off, he can.

John Bradshaw Leyfield vs. Kofi Kingston

I love Kofi’s music. And JBL comes out in his limo which is pretty freaking awesome. I love that damn limo. Adamle interrupts everybody so that he can say “Jamaican Sensation.” I wish he would’ve come back with “Jamaican Me Crazy” too, but he doesn’t. Couldn’t RAW have gotten Adamle back? I mean, no offense to Michael Cole, but Michael Cole sucks. Not to say that Adamle doesn’t suck, but he sucks in a spectacular and interesting way. JBL with the Clothesline from Hell, because they’ll be damned if they let ECW have anybody else.

Come on now! Big Bucks! No Whammies! No Whammies! Big Bucks and…STOP!

RAW gets a little more KANE!

Kane: So…I’m the ECW champion, but I’m on RAW. And I’m fighting Big Show on the pay per view, and he’s from Smackdown. So ECW is guaranteed not to have its own title? And didn’t I get banished from RAW forever when I lost to The Great Khali? Even though he left for Smackdown, like, two days later?

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Yeah, I hate this show too, buddy.

(ads)

Vince is back in the money pit. But there’s no guest this time.

Vince McMahon: I don’t need a guest at this point, because it just so happens that this cash grab is going to be gimmicky enough as it is! I’m going to call our winner right now, and we’re going to see what happens!

Tough Enough Jessie: Hello? Yes?

Vince: Is this Tough Enough Jessie? Wow! She’s right here in the production area, folks! Do you know the password?

T.E. Jessie: It’s Bmphx, but I’m not eligible! I still work here!

Vince: Not any more! Congratulations!

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAAAH! Yay. WAAAAAAAAH!

It’s time for a goofy ass battle royale!

(ads)

John Cena, Triple H, “Dave” Batista “Davidson,” Some Ducks, CM Punk, Kane, Matt Hardy, John Morrison, Mike Mizanin, The Muskateer, Chavo Guerrero, Shelton Benjamin, Edge, The Great Khali, Jeff Hardy, Big Show, Some Geese, and Montel Vontavious Porter

That’s pretty much everybody they’ve got. What, no Chuck Palumbo? No Dreamer? No Charlie Haas? Anyway, the winning brand gets two draft picks, and I think it’d be hilarious if ECW won it and picked up Edge and Hunter. Kane would be the top star of the main brands! Plus, I’d just love to see HHH work ECW for one night before demanding to get traded. Maybe TNA can send them Booker T and The Dudley Boyz? Everybody you think would be eliminated in the first five minutes (read: Team ECW) is, so we’re left with the RAW and Smackdown guys fighting it out as we break for these….

(ads)

Batista and Edge ram into each other and Dave’s head flies off. Thankfully, Colin Delaney is still in the ceiling to catch it, but that counts as an elimination. Aw, I was pulling for you, Dave! So now we’re down to Hunter and Cena against Big Show and Edge, and none of these guys wants anybody drafted onto their show, but Hunter and Cena don’t want to run the risk of getting dumped on to Smackdown, so they team up to toss Show. But Cena’s ego is out of control, so he tosses HHH too. Yeah! Screw you, dude! Edge seizes on the opportunity not to be separated from his girlfriend and minions, and he tosses Cena. Smackdown wins! Isn’t it funny that they always treat Smackdown like crap, but they always have them win the interbrand matches?

Ok, two spins! Here we go! No Whammies! No Whammies! Big Bucks and STOP! On Ken Kennedy!

Ken Kennedy: Nooooooo! I just got here! How will I finish off my big feud with Paul Burchill?

And second spin! No Whammies! Big Bucks! Hey…Where’s that dude that can predict the pattern of these things? I want that pool table. And STOP!

On Triple H. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Triple H: No. No way. Oh HELL NO!

Edge: Seriously, I don’t want to have to job my belt to this guy. Can a girl get a salad here?

HHH: What kind of crap is this? Damn you Penguin! Damn you to hell! Why did you have to leave me here in this dimension where I’m on…ugh…Smackdown? I’m calling it right now, Vickie Guerrero trades me back for Trevor Murdoch, Survivor’s Ashley, and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I would express grief if I know where I WAS!

Vince wanders out on stage to hand out the last prize.

Vince McMahon: Ok, let’s get this over with! $500,000 and then we’re done. I can’t wait to get out of here. I’ve got a fondue party to go to tonight? Have you ever been to a fondue party? You don’t want to miss that. Anyway, I’m going to call our big winner here. His name is Robbie V, and he’s from Battle Creek, Michigan, folks! Let’s hope he knows the password!

Suddenly, the stage starts to collapse.

Vince: Well, that’s unusual. Well, I’m certainly not going to move.

Then, crashing through space and time itself, a comfortable looking Ottoman comes crashing through the stage.

Suleiman the Magnificent: That landing was significantly less comfortable than the journey down here.

Also, Rob Van Dam comes flying in on a padded stool, ramming Vince McMahon through the floor. Vince McMahon has been torn asunder. Um…Again.

Kane: Ok, you clearly can’t blame this one on me.

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Triple H: What the hell is this crap?

Next Week: The Results of the Supplemental draft are in! Can you wait for Deuce to show up on RAW? Plus an update on how many pieces Vince McMahon is in. And Ding Dong the Witch is dead! What will RAW be like without Triple H?

We here at Hock Show Dot Com (and by “We,” I am referring soley to “Me” Matt Hocking) enjoy a bit of the Indie music scene now and again. Despite what you may have heard, it’s not all punk rock tracks and emo whining, every once in a great while you’ll get a legitmately funny, old school folksy artist that comes out of the woodwork and knocks your proverbial socks off. Jenny Owen Youngs is one such artist. Most know her from her appearence on the Weeds soundtrack last year or from her cover of Nelly’s “Hot In Herre” that we’ve liberally linked to on this site in the past. Is her debut solo album “Batten the Hatches” worth your hard earned $10, though? Let’s find out.

1. Porchrail: “Porchrail” is an interesting choice for an opening track because it kind of sets a weird mood for the rest of the CD. Musically, it doesn’t really fit in with the style of the rest of the album. It’s straight out of an early ’90s jazz club, and at 1:47, it kind of feels like a good idea that was half finished. A for effort, but it’s an odd choice to lead.

**

2. From Here: A little more palatable than “Porchrail,” from here is the disc’s true introduction of Ms. Youngs as a guitar playing soloist. The backing music never gets in the way of the song and it all comes together rather well. There’s not much meat to it, but it’s a perfect palate cleanser after the more uptempo opener.

**1/2

3. Fuck Was I: This is the song that appeared on the Weeds soundtrack, and it’s the most polished of any of her songs. Musically it’s not overcomplicated (the violin is a nice compliment to the guitar), and lyrically it’s oddly compelling and clever. If she didn’t say “fuck” every five seconds (it’s in the tile of the song!), the song would be completely radio ready.

****

4. Lighting Rod: Oddly overproduced with a sort of synthesizer background, “Lighting Rod” comes off as kind of an creepy, somber melody. I mean, seriously, it’s something you’d set as the opening title to your college horror movie. A departure from the previous two tracks, which doesn’t really end up holding its water.

**

5. Voice on Tape: “Voice on Tape,” consiquently, ends up kind of like a mixture of what works in “From Here” and “Lighting Rod.” It’s not the best song on the album, but it has the kind of loving eeiriness of “Lightning Rod,” but it’s still a hair too heavy on the production side. It does end up being a sort of lovely little song though, on its own.

**1/2

6. P.S.: Wow, so this ends up being something akin to a country jamboree, which is kind of odd. I imagine this track is on here to show a little bit of her talent outside the “Folk” genre, because the song comes in at under two minutes again, but it’s a clever little jug band number, so if that’s your thing, you…are probably not reading this site.

**

7. Bricks: “Bricks” plays it pretty close to the line between emo soft rock and pure folk. The lyrics are solid, and pretty heavy compared to some of the other songs on the album, and they’re delivered over that guitar and strings section again. “Bricks” will never be a single, but it’s good depressed drinking music, and as solid musically as anything on the disc.

***

8. Drinking Song: And the slow decent into alcoholism continues on the CD. The song itself is depressing lyrically, but it’s delivered so smoothly and the music is so impressive, that the song ends up kind of rocking. One of the best tracks on the album, and at the top of my new drinking list.

***1/2

9. Woodcut: I hate to overuse a term from my Brooke White review, but “Woodcut” is very “indie coffeehouse.” Not that this is necessarily a bad thing in this case, because Jenny Owen Youngs is very much an indie coffehouse artist, but it’s clear that she put a lot of powerful emotion into recording this track, but it kind of comes off very blah on the disc. The emotion is there, but the song isn’t particularily memorable, and as such it doesn’t really resonate. Musically though, it’s very nice, maybe even a little too low key.

**

10. Coyote: Weirdly uptempo, and kind of an interesting little track. It goes a little overboard with things like “Porchrail” does, but it’s a more complete song, and not only that it’s just a lot more fun. Stylistically, it has a lot of roots in rockabilly, but it’s a lot fresher. It’s not a classic, but it’s a fun dancey song, and an enjoyable change of pace from the last couple really depressing tracks.

**1/2

11. Keys Out, Lights On: Another kind of odd track, in that it sounds very much like a Sarah McLaughlan B-Side or something. Musically and lyrically, it’s not too bad, but it’s nothing special. Once again, it’s very coffee house, but a very nice, upscale coffeehouse downtown where the artist gets a salary plust tips.

**1/2

12. Woodcut (The Age of Rockets Remix): This is the first bonus track, and it’s a very…odd choice. Woodcut wasn’t exactly screaming out for a remix, much less one that attempts to turn it into a shopped up dance tune. It actually kind of ruins what was a pleasant vanilla song. “Drinking Song” or even “Lighting Rod” would’ve made much better “obscure” choices for remixes of this type.

*

13. Hot in Herre: This is is a pretty awesome little track, and a perfect example of what Youngs could be as a more commercial underground artist. She does a great job of taking a rap song and spinning it on its head (but not as much as you’d think) and making a fun folk song. It works amazingly well. And the guitar riff that ties it all together? Oasis’ “Wonderwall.” Brilliant.

****1/2

Not everybody is going to like this “Indie Coffee House” vibe that practically steams off this CD, but it’s one of the best examples of the genre to come out in years. Individually the songs range from pretty great to really mediocre, but taken as a whole, it’s a nice first step for a newly emerging artist.

Check her out on YouTube, because the live performances definately have a different vibe and more energy, but as far as CDs go, it’s certainly worth $10 to support a up and coming artist with as many gifts musically and lyrically as Jenny Owen Youngs. If you like your coffee house rock to be clever and well put together, or you liked “Hot in Herre” or “Fuck Was I,” you owe it to yourself to at least check it out on iTunes.

Places of Interest

Nijel’s Point
Shadowprey Village
Scrabblescrew’s Camp
Kodo Graveyard
Mannoroc Coven
Maraudine

Desolace is a contested zone located just south of Stonetalon Mountains and north of Feralas. There are two major towns here, Nijel’s Point, an Alliance encampment in the cliffs to the north, and Shadowprey Village along the shore in the south. The zone is pretty evenly balanced in terms of quests and facilities for both sides, though prior to the Burning Crusade expansion, it favored the Horde a bit more.

Desolace is a fairly popular zone thanks to the fact that it has a number of easy, well clustered quests for both sides, which can be somewhat difficult for these mid-tier leveling zones. There also seems to be remarkably little PvP combat in Desolace on PvP servers, so while it’s not a completely “safe” zone, it is at least not the battleground most contested areas end up being.

Mining: Copper, Tin, Silver, Gold, Iron, Mithril, Truesilver. Good mining prospects, especially up amongst the hills and cliffs around the edges of the zone. Searching out the Mannorac Coven area will usually also net 1-4 mithril nodes, which isn’t spectracular, but is worth getting if you’re in the area.

Herbalism: Stranglekelp, Liferoot, Kingsblood, Wild Steelbloom, Bruiseweed, Ghost Mushroom, Gromsblood. There’s not actually a ton of herbs to be gathered here. Some gravemoss in the graveyard, steelbloom amongst the hills, but the real catch in Desolace is the Gromsblood around the Mannorac Coven. It’s one of the only places you can gather it, and it’s a very valuable herb.

Cloth: Wool, Silk, Mageweave Good drops among the centaurs especially of silk. There are also some orcs in the north and naga along the coast who have pretty good cloth drop rates. Not a great spot to go to gather mageweave though.

Leather: Medium Leather, Heavy Leather, Kodo Hide A few lizards and hyenas around that you can skin, and it’s a good place to gather some heavy leather at a pretty low level. The true prize is the vast number of Kodos in the area, which you’ll need if you’re chasing after Kodo hides.

Desolace is a good “default” leveling area for players in the 30s who are looking to power up to 40. The quests are all grouped fairly well, the Horde and the Alliance are far apart and genrally ignore each other, and the enemies aren’t particularily dangerous. It’s a kind of boring zone, but once you get past that it’s a good place for you to while away the hours until you can move on to the upper levels.

A while back (Read: I don’t remember when), I linked a cover of Hot in Herre by folk/comedy artist Jenny Owen Youngs. People generally seemed to like it, and I’ve been listening to most of the rest of Ms. Youngs’ back catalog ever since. Maybe I’ll do an album review one of these days?

In the meantime, enjoy one of her funnier moments as she almost dies doing silly covers of various pop songs. Some of her covers are just hillarious, so once you’re done listening to this one, hit up YouTube for the rest.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. The Associated Press Would Like You to Send Them Some Money. You ever hear about a little thing called “Fair Use?” Apparently, the AP hasn’t, because they’re now selling “usage licenses” to bloggers, at around $12.50 per five word quote. So, I’m just going to quote four words of an article from now on. Seriously, though, the little picture of a guy in handcuffs in their brochure is pretty cute. Well played.

2. FireFox 3 Launches. Microsoft even sent a cake with a big “E” on it. The verdict? A lot like FireFox 2, so you’ll either love it or hate it. Is it better than IE? In a lot of ways, yes, but Flash, embedded audio and video, and other features get awfully janky. Wait out your favorite widgits and plug-ins before you download. Oh, and if you hear anybody screaming about how it set a “Guiness World Record for Most Downloaded Program in One Day?” Tell them to shut up. Guiness made that record up just for Mozilla.

3. They Found Ice on Mars. The Mars Lander sent out an alert on Twitter. If you didn’t get it don’t worry. They used the word “w00t” at one point. The water sublimated from solid to gas after a short period of time, but the existence of some form of water is a big step towards the possible future colonization of our sister planet. One step closer to Total Recall, baby.

4. YouTube Sets Up for Expansion. If you become a “Content Partner” you can now upload 1 gig of uninterrupted video onto the YouTube servers. The hope is that more independant film makers will upload feature length movies which will be strained through the Super Grainy texture filter YouTube loves so much. Of course, you know this *really* means that people will just start posting 90 minute long clips of dogs peeing on things and girls dancing around in booty shorts.

5. EA Releases the Spore Creature Creator. It already has its own wiki full of flying penises (Peni?, What’s the official ruling on this?) Advertising featuring player’s created creatures, and a goddamn living X-Box controller. This thing is pretty much the most insane graphical tool ever, and it’s not even the game yet. It’s going to be a long summer, y’alls.

I haven’t gotten my hands on the game yet, but that hasn’t stopped me from following it’s development. “Development?” you say, “What the hell is there to develop?” Quite a lot, apparently. You can read the ongoing developer’s blog from Strong Bad and the Videletrics crew and find out more about this so called “development.” Judging from the concept art, this is going to be a game that will give Mortal Kombat a run for its money.

In the meantime, here’s a picture of a hot action sequence from the game. As you can see, it’s going to be the most exhilerating game of the summer.

Last Week: Everything returned to normal. Well, except that “normal” included Vince McMahon dialing a phone for an hour for some reason. Oh, and Shawn Michaels getting beaten up by Chris Jericho. That can’t be right, can it? Let’s find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Are you hungry? Because I’ve got a fresh serving of APPLE DOUGH!!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO! YOOOOOOO!

Night of Champions approaches,
And everybody is flying,
I’m going to beat Triple H,
Without even trying!

Remember where you were,
When Hogan defeated Andre?
When Austin stunned McMahon,
Or George Bush beat Kanye?

Remember the Gobbledy Gooker?
Or when Bastion Booger hit the ring?
When Vince gave out a million bucks,
And killed RAW’s rating?

Well, I’m here to tell you,
With a confident half-snear,
That none of that matters,
Because THE CHAMP IS-

Triple H: Dude, come on. I’ve still got the belt. That means I’m still the champ…ion. Champion. The champion is here. And it’s me.

Cena: How dare you interrupt my phat beats? You know, did you ever wonder why nobody likes you, Hunter?

HHH: No, but I doubt it’s because I interrupted your stupid rap.

Cena: It’s because you’re a big jerk who doesn’t care about anybody else’s feelings. How would you like it if I came out to interrupt your promos, huh? How would that make you feel?

HHH: I’d feel just fine once I gave you the PEDIGREE TO CENA!

Cena: You have a big nose!

HHH: All the fans secretly hate you.

Cena: All the internet wants to string you up by your ears.

HHH: Donkey face!

Cena: Bed wetter!

HHH: Armpit sniffer!

Cena: Snot nozzle!

Vince McMahon: Gentlemen, that’s enough! I will have no more name calling on this program! Think about your reputations! And absolutely no roughhousing. Save that for the pay per view, boys. Now, nobody could remember last week’s password, so we’ll make tonight’s password easy. It’s “Hello.” You say “Hello” and you win! Now here’s a match!

HHH: Ugh. I need a nap, can we have a match later?

John Cena vs. Totally Not Jamal
In a Street Fight

Me too, Hunter. I think RAW’s ratings would be much better if there was a mandatory nap break somewhere in the show. OH! And Snack time! Hell yeah. Remind me again why I’m not booking this show. Not Jamal is unfazed by the money on his way out. I think the currency in Deepest Darkest Samoa (yams?) is valued more than the American Dollar right now. I’m trading almost exclusively in pancakes here now. Not Jamal hits the Thumb to the Eye after a few seconds, but unfortunately for everybody involved, it was on some guy at ringside. That’ll show him for going to a WWE show.

(ads)

Not Jamal attempts some butt related offense when we come back, mostly ending in him comically falling over and frowning. I think you’re not a real “superstar” in this industry until you have at least a little bit of butt related offense. Wasn’t that even Andre the Giant’s special move in one of those crappy WWF NES games? Wait, is it cool for me to say WWF here? Or will the world Wildlife Fund come after me? Not Jamal spears a whale. Well, that does it for me, I guess. It’s been fun! Cena hits the FU (no, F-U, WWF!), and gets the win. Poor Not Jamal.

Vince McMahon: What a great match, eh folks? Shut up. We’re in Utah. You have literally nothing better to do with your time than come down here. I’m going to call a guy, but this week you can’t hear me dial their numbers live on air. No! This wee, I’m going to show you the cards with the numbers on them! Call away, folks!

Denzel: Hi!

Vince: Uh, is this Denzel? Why didn’t you say the password?

Denzel: What password? Who is this?

Gabe: Ha! Denzel Washington everybody! I loved you in Training Day!

Vince: Hey! Did you give me Denzel Washington’s number just so I would call him?

Gabe: Yes. Shut up.

Vince: Well, you won $125,000, Denzel.

Denzel: Well, that’s just fine. Thanks.

Vince: Now bark like a dog!

Denzel: What do I look like, Trish Stratus?

(ads)

It’s time for a Bikini Contest with your host…Charlie Haas?!

Charlie Haas: Yeah, I don’t get it either. Anyway, I’m out here to point at some half naked girls for a while. Hey, it’s a good gig if you can get it. Especially since they cancelled Internet Heat. Jackie is going to kill me for this, but whatevs. On with the bikinis!

I only recognize, like…four of these people. Who in the hell is Eve Torres? And there’s an Asian girl in there too. I have no clue who she is either. Hey! Maryse! Two things I don’t understand about Maryse:

1) I don’t get how she’s dating two guys from the 1950s.
2) I don’t get how she’s still employed by WWE.

Seriously, though, I guess WWE was right on the ball with the whole greaser thing, though. Thanks Shia Labeouf. I like that he manages to have every vowel in his name. That’s pretty neat. He should be Shiy Labeaouf. Oh, the Bikini contest? Maria won. Like there was any doubt. She’s the new My Darling Stacy.

On the stage….

Vince McMahon: That’s great. Everybody loves the naked girl who marries everybody. And, for some reason, Charlie Haas. Ok, surely this person will know the password. Is. Hello, is this Mike? What’s the password, Mike?

Mike: Yo, how’d you get this number?

Vince: You signed up for McMahon’s Millions…I’m calling you to give you $100,000.

Mike: Yo! That’s great. I need some money so I can pay the Falcons back…Hey, did you say this was Vince McMahon?

Vince: Uh, yeah….

Mike: How do you feel about pay per view dog fighting?

Vince: We’ll discuss that after the show, I think. How do you feel about barking like a dog?

Mike: What do I look like, Denzel Washington? Hey, is Ric Flair there?

Vince: This interview is OVER!

(ads)

Backstage, Chris Jericho is oiling up. Yes. That is the entire segment. Thanks for that. Meanwhile, on the stage, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan is playing dress up with his board by dressing it up in a tiny dress, and Vince is back to working the phones.

Vince McMahon: Um…Who’s your friend, Jim?

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: That’s my beautiful board! Happy Father’s Day to me! HOOOOO!

Vince: Uh, sure thing. Since I don’t trust an idiot like you to touch anything that has wires in it, I’ll dial this number. Surely, this man will know how to say hello.

Duggan: HellOOOOOOOOOO!

Vince: Shut up. Hello?

Bobby: Hello?

Vince: That’s the password! You wi-

Bobby: Just kidding, I’m not here. Leave a message.

*beep*

Vince: You idiot. We even told you we’d be calling. Geez. Ok, fine. Let’s try that again.

Duggan: I guess you could say he wasn’t HOOOOOOOOOOOOme!

Vince: Shut up. Gabe, bring me another number.

Gabe: And my mom said I’d never amount to anything! In your face, mom!

The next guy’s ringtone is the DX theme. Um…DXROLL”D~!?

Jesse: Moshi Moshi!

Vince: Oh, come ON! Do you know the password or not?

Jesse: Wait…is this Vince McMahon? The same Vince McMahon who owes me $50,000 for some commentary I did in the 80s?

Vince: Jesse Ventura?! Come on! Fine. It just so happens the prize for winning this call is…well, what do you know! $50,000! Congratulations. At least you weren’t an answering machine.

Jesse: I ain’t got time to beep.

Jeff Hardy runs out. Sadly, nobody questions why Jesse Ventura had the DX theme as his ringtone.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool

So are Carlito and Santino through? That’s too bad because they were a pretty terrific tag team. Man, I hurt my shoulder yesterday and it’s really bothering me. So I’m just pretending to watch this match right now if that’s all right weith everybody. I mean, we all know that Jeff is going to hit the Swanton and win, right? Ok. Great. I’ve always wondered if having as much hair as Carlito is really uncomfortable in the winter. Or a big nasty beard. These are the things I wonder about when I’m purposely not paying any attention to…Oh, wait. Jeff won after he hit the Swanton. So, there you go. Congrats!

Back to the stage for more McMania.

Vince McMahon: It’s time to give away some money because I’ve got nothing better to do. Do you realize how much time this saves us from actually having to write the shows? It’s fantastic! Anyway, to the phone!

Kyle: Whatup?

Vince: Is this Kyle from Minnesota? Do you know the password to win $175,000?

Kyle: No. But do you mind if I ramble about my birthday and sing a track off of my band’s new album “Goat Stump Humpers” available now on, like, Bit Torrent and stuff?

Vince: Knock your self out, Karl!

Kyle: Ok, here we go.

GOAAAAAAAT!
GOOOOOOOOOATS!
I like goats, I like them a lot
Do you like goats?
GOOOOOOAAAT!

Vince: Karl, everybody! I’m gonna keep that $175,000, though. Now, here’s my favorite wrestler of all time, Chris Jericho.

Chris Jericho: Thanks for bringing me out here without taking a commercial break, Vince. You know, I was just thinking that I came back to Save WWE, but I’m doing a really terrible job of it. Look, ECW is falling apart, Smackdown is withering on the vine, RAW is being strangled by this phone call business, and my favorite show of all time Internet Heat is being CANCELLED! So what have I done about it? Well…I did hit Shawn Michaels with a TV. That’s…more than 90% of the roster has done lately. Seriously, though, I’m sick of Shawn Michaels prancing about. Who’s done more than I have lately?

Ric Flair: The question you should be asking yourself, Chris Jericho, is not “Who?” But “WOOOOOOOOO?”

(ads)

Back to the ring.

Chris Jericho: That doesn’t even make any sense. What kind of question is “WOOOOO?” anyway?

Ric Flair: It’s the greatest question a man could ever ask! What has anybody done in WWE lately? I’ve retired! I said I’d NEVER retire! But I did it! Hitting Shawn Michaels with a TV? That’s nothing! Nothing next to a wheelindealinkissstealinjetflyinlimori-

Jericho: Look, dude, we all know who you are. Aren’t you supposed to be back in that asylum? Who let you off the bus again?

Scott Hall: My bad, mang. I was taking them all to Vegas and I guess we took a wrong turn.

Flair: Fight me in the parking lot? Is that what you’re challenging me to do? Fight me in the parking lot? WOO! I’ll never retire!

Flair runs backstage. Jericho and Hall shake their heads and give chase. Just as Jericho is about to get into the parking lot, he runs headlong into Triple H.

Triple H: Hey, Scott! Glad to see you off the couch!

Hall: I’m gonna leave you two alone.

HHH: Jericho, I don’t know what pact with the devil you’ve made to suddenly become relevant again, but it ends here. All your “Save Us” shenanigans, and your weird hair cut, and hitting my friends with TVs, that’s all gotta stop.

Jericho: Aww…Really?

HHH: If it makes you feel any better, I take the greatest pleasure in beating you up.

(ads)

Outside, Ric Flair is brawling in the parking lot against himself.

Ric Flair: Retire me? I’m already retired! Retire me?! I’m already retired!! Come on, old man, let’s see what you got! Nonono! WOO! Owww….

Flair chops himself, flops, begs off, and then hits himself with a low blow sending him crashing down to the pavement.

Triple H: Well…Good to see we let him leave with his dignity.

Vince McMahon: I’ll have security take him back out to the bus. He won’t want to miss the breakfast buffet at the Luxor. So what about you, what are your big plans for the night?

HHH: You forgot to book a main event again, didn’t you?

Vince: I was meaning to, but I got so excited with the cash grab thing, and ratings falling last week, that I just…forgot. Yes. I forgot to book a main event this week.

HHH: And every week for the past ten years. I suppose I could wrestle Jericho, or something.

Vince: So it is written. So shall it be done. Security! There’s a drunk hobo in the parking lot! Can you please move him?

Meanwhile….

Cryme Tyme vs. Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes

This is not for the WWE World Tag Team titles because that would be cheating. Ted Diabise Jr. comes down to the ring to check things out, but we’re ALL OUT OF TIME! So Holly just rolls JTG up for the win. That was…The best match on RAW in weeks. Way to go, guys.

Vince McMahon: Another stunning example of how excellent the athletes in WWE are. A round of applause for whoever that was in that last match. Now, let’s give away some money shall we?

Becky: Hey, y’all! It’s so nice for you to call me!

Vince: Becky, do you know the password for tonight’s cash grab?

Becky: Oh, fiddlesticks, I forgot RAW was on tonight, and I don’t have a computer. Only 37 cats.

Vince: That’s good enough for $16! Enjoy a gallon of gas on us.

(ads)

Katie Lea and Paul Burchill vs. Alexis Laree and Ken Kennedy

Did Alexis and Cena already break up? Man, I hate these wrestling relationships. They’re all so hard to keep track of. And why did Katie Lea drop her Burchill? Are we all supposed to be distracted by the fact that the dude wants to sleep with his sister? I don’t care. I’m never dropping her Burchill. That is *really* fun to write, by the way. Everybody drop your Burchill! Alexis makes the attempt, but Katie rolls her up for the win. I do like how we can only ever focus on two women at a time. The rest of y’all are just going to have to wear bikinis to get on the show. That’s the rules. Otherwise you can go to the other show and fight over a cardboard star.

Vince McMahon: I wasn’t…even really paying attention to that last match. Good for me, right? Ok, let’s call our next person here.

Alana: Who is this?

Vince: This is Vince McMahon. Am I interrupting something?

Alana: I was just on my honeymoon with my new husband, Rick-

Rick Scaia: Vince, I don’t really have time to sit here and chat, but I’m going to be honest with you. The way you’re booking RAW is really getting sand in my vagina and lime in my beer. So I wish you’d eat a bug you stupid prick. Now, back to not renewing my domain name and certainly back to not writing a column.

Alana: That’s why I love you, Ricky poo.

Rick: Pun with the word “Broad” in it!

Vince: What a couple of idiots. I’m giving their money to Charlie Haas.

Charlie Haas: This is the BEST MONTH EVER!!!

Ken Kennedy: EVER!

(ads)

It’s time to waste more time!

Vince McMahon: God, I love treading water. Who doesn’t love that? It’s a good workout. Ok, let’s call up another totally random person, and hand them a check worth at least enough to buy a nice tricked out Hover Round.

Peter: Hell-

Vince: Yes?

Peter: Hell-

Vince: Go on!

Peter: Hell!
No Chance in Hell!
You’ve got…
No Chance!

Seriously, though. You guys ruined “Big Time” for me. I can never play it again.

Vince: Well…Peter Gabriel everybody. Sorry about that. I’ll still give you $75,000 for the best version of my theme song I’ve heard in weeks.

Peter: And I’ll still take it.

Elsewhere….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Y-

Triple H: No No No No No NO! NO!

Cena: Aw, come on! You interrupted my last one!

HHH: You were only one word off. Agh. Go ahead. Finish it.

Cena: HERE!! Thank you!

HHH: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(ads)

Vince is back in the money pit.

Vince McMahon: Look! I found my old locker key in here. I was wondering where this went off to. Now, I know what you’re all thinking out there, “How the hell much longer is he going to be dragging this crap out?” Plenty longer. We proved it with Floyd Mayweather. We know how to blow cash like nobody’s business. Anyway, I’m definitely doing it next week. Why? Because we’ve got three hours of this crap to fill, and I’m going to guarandamntee that we don’t have anything that remotely resembles wrestling going on in those three hours. Now, let’s give it up for our next winner. Hello, do you know the password?

Frankie: Do you know the password?

Vince: Well…yes, I do?

Frankie: Tippicanoe?

Vince: And Tyler too?

Frankie: BRAWK!

Koko B. Ware: Frankie!! How many times do I have to tell you to stay off the damn phone? Our long distance bills are killing me! Sorry, whoever this is. My bird is out of control!

Vince McMahon: Well…I’m pretty sure birds aren’t eligible to win, so I’m going to award the $300,000 to myself, for knowing what the password was. Which was…Uh…Yeah. Whatever.

Triple H vs. Chris Jericho

This is non-title, of course. Hunter wants nothing to do with the Intercontinental Title and Jericho clearly wants nothing to do with the WWE Title. Especially while that crap still spins. Wait…does it still spin? Do we have an official ruling on that? It’d be a shame if it didn’t. That’s part of the charm of the belt. Hunter sure is letting Jericho get in a ton of offense here. I wonder if he’s getting a cut of the Million Dollar Cash Grab. He’s getting paid off to ensure there’s a game 7! The announcers argue about what it’d be like if Triple H got drafted to Smackdown while I laugh because they’re a bunch of idiots.

(ads)

Hunter gets in all his knee based offense, which is nice. It’s good that he’s back in the flow of hitting every spot that he can think of that draws attention to his two horrific injuries. Jericho nails the world’s least impressive bulldog (other than Canadian Bulldog HIYOOO), but he can’t manage the Lion Sault. Suddenly, Lance Cade runs out and starts beating the crap out of Triple H. Allow me a second to compose myself.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok. Geez. Was Super Crazy busy tonight or something? Anyway, Cade hahahahaha…Cade and Jericho put the boots to Hunter, and John Cena comes rolling out for the save. Because…They hate each other, I guess. Maybe Cena’s got something against Cade for making Murdoch stop singing. I love that Ross and Lawler are totally going along with this though. Like, “Oh, Lance Cade! I see!” Must make Bryan Danielson feel like a real badass though. Cade and Jericho turn the tides back against Cena and Hunter, however, and the show ends with the two of them having knocked HHH and Cena out cold. That’s…Awesome. I mean…Lance Cade: Main Event Talent, folks.

Triple H: Did I just get schooled by Jericho and friggin’ Cade?! This isn’t my universe at ALL!

Rather Officious Looking Penguin: Hey…Yeah. Sorry about that. Gotta run!

Then, the penguin hops onto the couch and disappears into space and time.

HHH: NOOOOOOOOOoooooo!

Next Week: It’s a WWE Draft Party! Find out what brand will get the next Brady Quinn! Totally Not Jamal gets drafted to WWE Wrestling Classics! Plus, CM Punk gets drafted to another show, but he STILL won’t win a match, and come Wrestlemania next year, he’ll have forgotten to even use the Money in the Bank briefcase!

Places of Interest

Freewind Post
The Great Lift
The Shimmering Flats
Mirage Raceway

The Horde’s answer to the Wetlands, Thousand Needles is a contested zone with only one small Horde outpost, at Freewind Post. There are several lower level Alliance quests that take place in Thousand Needles, most of which take place at the Goblin/Gnome encampment, Mirage Raceway. That said, there seems to be very little actualy PvP combat in Thousand Needles on most servers, mostly thanks to the fact that characters are usually lower level and Alliance players tend to stick close to the Shimmering Flats because there are no direct flight paths for Alliance characters in Thousand Needles.

Thousand Needles itself isn’t a particularily attractive zone. The spiraling mesas of the main valley and shining sands of the Shimmering Flats are kind of entertaining to see, but spend any amount of time in the zone and you’ll get sick of it all rather quickly. There are some interesting little quirks like the towering wyvern nests in Highperch and the race track and crashed cars aroun Mirage Raceway, that lend a little extra enjoyment to their particular sections.

Mining: Copper, Tin, Silver, Gold, Iron, Mithril, Truesilver. A lot of low level mining mats can be gathered throughout the main valley of the zone amongst the spires. This is a great place for developing Horde miners to pick up a lot of lower level mats. The odd mithril or truesilver vein can be found in the far reaches of the zone, with the highest concentration near the entrance to Tanaris.

Herbalism: Bruiseweed, Kingsblood, Wild Steelbloom. A very poor selection of herbs, so it’s a stretch to imagine that you’ll want to search for mats here. The big draw would be the relatively rare Wild Steelbloom, which grows in pretty good numbers amongst the crags, and is worth your time to pick if you’re in the area.

Cloth: Linen, Wool, Silk Pretty poor selection of drops, mostly off the Kobolds, Harpies, and Centaurs that hang around the zone. The mobs are pretty easy to find, but the drop rate is not great. There are better places to farm your cloth drops than Thousand Needles.

Leather: Light Leather, Medium Leather, Heavy Leather Not spectacular, but not bad. There are a number of mobs you can skin here, and you can usually pick up a pretty good selection of leathers skimming along the Shimmering Flats. The selection of mobs that drop it, however, is a little mundane.

Thousand Needles is a nice insulated leveling zone for mid-tier Horde characters with low chances of PvP gankfests or overwhelming mob encounters. The terrain is kind of boring and the opportunity for mat gathering is lower than most zones of this level, so unless you’re a miner or skinner, it’s not a great zone to level professions in. If you’re a Hordeling looking for a good place to hang out and quest in relative peace, however, Thousand Needles is a pretty attractive option.