Last Week: Lance Cade, man. Can you believe that? Lance Cade: Main Event Superstar. Rick and his Baby Mama got some cash. And That Damn Penguin totally left Triple H hanging. Who will leave him hanging…TONIGHT?!
There’s a veritable bevy of Announcers at ringside. Hey! Mike Adamle! I hope he has to announce every match!
Triple H vs. Mark Henry
Sadly, this is not a title match. Last year’s draft rules apply, meaning that the winner’s brand gets the pick, and all of the picks are done by hitting Select and letting Smackdown vs. RAW’s random character selection screen pick the “winner.” This, of course, means that half the roster won’t even be included and there’s a good chance that somebody who hasn’t been with the company for over a year will get picked. Come oooooon Benoit. Hunter points at his crotch, which is a total shout out to Michael Hayes, who also has a crotch. Mark starts to cry about how nobody takes him seriously as a wrestler, and Hunter hits the PEDIGREE TO MARK HENRY~! for the win.
Who will I have to put up with? Come on! Big Bucks! No Whammies! Big Bucks! And STOP!
Rey Misterio? Who the hell is that?
Rey comes out and waves at the crowd for a minute while Triple H is all, “Wait…when did they bring back the Juniors Division? I wanted Super Porky, dammit!”
When we come back, Vince has the money wheeled out on stage. Can I trade my draft pick for some of that? Because I am really poor.
Vince McMahon: I know what you’re all thinking, but no, you can’t trade your draft picks for some of this money! Instead, I’m going to hand out $100,000 to some totally random stranger who remembers this weeks’ password. “BMPHX” Here’s Kelly Kelly to explain.
Kelly Kelly: Um…You win money? Like…ok?
Vince: Yes, thank you for that, Kelly. Now, let’s call Crystal and see if she wins.
Krystal: Hello? Who is this?
Vince: Sure, now somebody says “Hello.” Krystal, what’s the password?
Vince: HAHAHAHAHA! No!
Kelly: Um…yes it was. Idiot.
Vince: Oh. Yeah. Sigh. I guess I have to give away a lot of money.
Krystal: Serves you right for firing me because I wouldn’t slut it up like Lita.
Then Kelly Kelly dances around like a moron. Backstage….
Rey Misterio: Man, I’m not even coming back until next year’s draft or whatever. I don’t know why everybody’s so excited that I’m here.
Triple H: I’m not very excited at all, if it’s any consolation. I wanted Domino.
Rey: How is it fair to ECW that only RAW and Smackdown fought over that pick anyway?
HHH: Hahahahahaha! ECW! HA!
Rey: Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking.
John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOO!
Rey: Hi, John.
Cena: You did NOT just interrupt me! Wait…is this one of them Make A Wish kids?
HHH: Yeah, I think so. Anyway, John, no matter what happens tonight, I want you to know that you will never beat me for the WWE Spinnin’ Title. Not in a million billion years.
Cena: Dude, come on. I know it’s true, but you don’t have to be such a dick about it. Can’t you just beat me down in peace and let me rap once in a while? Please?
HHH: John, to be the man, you’ve got to beat the man. And…um…also have sex with Stephanie McMahon.
Cena: I was with you until that last little part.
HHH: Trust me, I know.
Rey: Hi…Um…Guys? I’m in this segment too, you know! Guys…so…um…I’ll just stand here then? That’s cool. I mean…I guess that’s cool.
Fit and Hornswoggle Finlay vs. Santino Marella and Carlito Caribbean Cool
Santino’s rocking a pretty wicked pornstache here, but I can’t tell if that makes me feel better about his character or not. Has anybody ever explained why Hornswoggle always has soot all over his face? Is that an Irish thing? Is it because he’s never had a real mother to wipe the smudges off? I hear Carlito’s disgruntled, so how hilarious will it be when he ends up jobbing to Hornswoggle? Wait a second, how are Santino and Carlito the number one contenders when Ted DiBiase Jr. (by himself) is already number one contender(s)? Hornswoggle with the Big Boot on Santino for the win. HA!
Big Bucks! No Whammies! Big Bucks! Oooh! Hey! Robot Vacuum Cleaner! Screw the Big Bucks, I want a Rhoomba! And it stops on…Jeff Hardy?!
Jeff Hardy: Hell yeah! I may have two strikes against me here on RAW, but it’s a CLEAN SLATE on Smackdown, baby! WOO! Who wants to come to my house…er…Volcano for some X and raving?!
Vince is back out on stage. Let’s get this over with!
Vince McMahon: Since Kelly Kelly was such a lovely guest, I’m going to bring out the most pretty WWE Superstar on any brand! The most beautiful Diva WWE has ever had-
Is it Charlie Haas?
Randy Orton: It’s me! Pretty Randy Orton, who is also Pretty! And my arm hung jury may be forking me not to vessle, but I swear, with Todd as my witless, I will come back sooner or lately, beater up Josh Cellar and Triopoly H and reign again as Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and holder of the WEW Chocolate Chip.
Vince: Ok, let’s see who’s going to win the next batch of money, eh?
Orton: It’s their DESTINY, Vince! DESTINY TO THEM!
Samira: Thank you for calling Samira’s Pizza Pit, can I tell you about our specials?
Vince: Um…what’s the password?
Samira: I’m sorry sir, we’re all out of Password Pizzas. Those things sell like…well…pizzas, I guess. We do have a large bacon lover’s pizza, though. It’s three pounds of cheese on top of a creamy bacon sauce, with 40,000 Baco-Bits sprinkled on the top, slices of bacon baked into the crust, and a light chocolate sauce drizzled over it all.
Orton: That sounds amazing! I’ll take three!
Samira: That’ll be $100,000. We should have your pizzas ready in 24-48 hours. Thank you for calling Samira’s, have a wonderful day!
Vince: You got lucky!
Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes vs. Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neeley
Ted DiBiase Jr. is out on commentary again. His sole comment? “Well, yeah, I may have a lot of money, but Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes, I mean…They…have…going to lose?” And then Mike Adamle goes into shock and Tazz spends the rest of the match trying not to resuscitate him. Chavo helpfully lifts himself into position so Holly can hit the Alabama Slam on him. That was pretty nice. Poor Chavo. Wasn’t he just main-eventing Smackdown? I still have no clue who Bam Neeley is, by the way.
Ok! RAW Again! Should be a good one! Big Money! No Whammy’s! Oooh, a trip to Nepal! I’ve never been! And STOP!
CM Punk? Who?! We got ROBBED!
CM Punk: Dude, anybody want to buy this briefcase? If I’m jobbing to the ECW guys, I’ll be lucky to break out of dark matches on this show. So…seriously…$100?
Backstage, Chris Jericho is combing his hair. At least he’s not oiling up again. What was with that?
Jericho’s out in the ring now, so that’s…progress?
Chris Jericho: Yeah, so I guess we’re wasting time so that nothing crazy like Funaki accidentally getting drafted again or the stage collapsing happens. Look, I don’t know if you guys are hip to the times or whatever, but I’m feuding with Shawn Michaels right now, and it’s become a WWE tradition that, once a year, whoever’s feuding with Shawn has to roll out this clip montage of him attacking his friends. So, here it is, yo. Roll it!
Shawn sure has super kicked a lot of people in his time. Marty Jannetty, Jamison, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan, that cat one time, Cena, Batista, Jesus….
Jericho: So, as you can see, pretty much anybody vaguely associated with Shawn over the past however many years has been kicked in the face. Say, is anybody willing to pony up a little cash and get me a new TV? I kind of miss that now. Oh! Hey! Remember when Lance Cade totally main-evented last week? Hahahahaha…what was up with that? Let’s ask him!
Lance Cade: Did you know Shawn Michaels taught me to wrestle? And guess what? I’m terrible! Sure, London and Kendrick don’t bitch about it, but dammit, I’m going to start bitch slapping some people around here until I find out what went wrong.
Jericho: Yeah, good luck with that. Anyway, I totally think I ended Shawn Michaels career a few weeks ago because the guy has clearly never suffered anything worse than being slowly pushed at a TV, so I pretty much win at wrestling. See you all again in a few years.
Shawn Michaels: Oh no you don’t!
Shawn prances down to the ring and starts wailing on Jericho, but eventually the get tangled up in the ropes and Shawn falls off and lands on his face.
Shawn: Oh no! My stitches! I’ll never wrestle again!
Jericho: Now if you’ll excuse me, VH1 has a decade special on which I must commentate.
Vickie Guerrero wheels on out.
Vickie Guerrero: So, the original plan was for me to run Hawkins and Ryder out here to try to win a draft pick for Smackdown, but then I realized…that I actually want to, you know, win the match. So here’s two other guys.
PLEASE BE JESSE AND FESTUS!
Miz and Morrison vs. The Hardy Boyz
Aw! Jeff, you’ll remember, was drafted to Smackdown earlier tonight. And if you don’t remember that, I don’t blame you, but it was only a couple of segments up the page here, so that’s a pretty lame excuse on your part. Start paying attention! Mike Adamle is having a grand time pointing out that he knows Miz’ real name now, which is nice. Matt goes to the top rope and I start laughing because…seriously, dude has NEVER hit a move from up there. Sure enough, Morrison yanks him off, but Matt knocks him down again and goes for the SECOND ROPE LEG DROP! AWESOME! Morrison rolls Matt up, however, and hooks the tights while ECW Referee Scott Armstrong counts the pin. FIX! I demand that WWE do an immediate review of its refereeing staff to prevent this kind of thing in the future.
Who, Oh, Who will ECW Get? No Whammies! No Whammies! Big Bucks! And…STOP! On a Whammy! OOOooh!
Whammy: Yes…It’s coming to me now! I see Financial Disaster in your future!
Jeff Hardy: Damn you, Whammy!
John Morrison: Wait a second. The Whammy is already on ECW.
Matt Hardy: Oh, hey! Yeah! Guess I’ll go then. It’s only fair since I got pinned!
Matt: Ha! In your face, Jeffers!
Vince is back on stage. I wonder what he could possibly want?
Vince McMahon: It’s time to give out some more money, but these segments pretty much suck unless I have an awesome guest. Unfortunately, I just have Ric Flair here tonight. Come on out, Naitch!
Ric Flair: You kicked me out last week! I’ll never forgive you for that!
Vince: I’ll let you dial the phone!
Flair: WOO! I love you Vince!
Flair pulls out his rotary cell phone and dials a number while wandering backstage.
Vince: Ric Flair everybody! Now let’s call our big winner.
Donna: Who is this?
Vince: This is Vince McMahon, ma’am. You’ve just won $100,000 if you can tell me the password!
Donna: Ralph? Is this you? I told you to stop calling me. I’m with Barry now. You need to get over me.
Donna: It’s over, Ralph! Leave me alone!
Vince: But, Donna! I still love you!
Donna: You’re stalking me! I’m calling the police!
Vince: Donna, everybody! I’m gonna keep that $100,000 to pay the legal bills that will inevitably come from the fallout of this segment.
Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!
Backstage, Alexis Laree and Melina are unsuccessfully trying to coordinate their outfits.
Did you know Alexis does a lot of community service? She should really stop getting arrested.
Alexis Laree and Melina vs. Natalya Neidhart and Victoria
Once again, ECW gets no love. Nattie and Victoria have coordinated shirts on anyway, which is more than I can say for Alexis and Melina. Did you know there’s going to be a Diva’s Title? WTF? The winners of this match get new announcers for their show. Aww…I’m going to miss Funaki. Seriously, if I was fighting over announcers, I’d just quit. Maybe Todd Grisham would like it better on ECW, though. Foley brings up Maria, which is just silly. Melina almost breaks her ankle, and the girls all pretty much come to the realization that they’re fighting over who gets to get leered at by Lawler, so they just bail. Which means that nobody wins! So both sides get a new announcer.
Jim Ross is heading to Smackdown. His reaction?
Jim Ross: Uh…No.
Good to see you’re keeping an open mind, Jimmy! Michael Cole? RAW, of course. Your response?
Michael Cole: Finally! Michael Cole gets his! You told me I’d never be anything, Mom! But LOOK AT ME NOW! LOOK AT ME NOW, BITCHES!!
This, of course, was predicted by the solid month of Mick Foley asking, “What if Jim Ross is drafted to Smackdown?!” during every single segment on Smackdown. Not that I ever watch Smackdown. Mick is just predictable like that.
Vince is out with The Great Khali now. This should be fun.
Vince McMahon: The Great Khali is a movie star! Did you know that? He’s practically a main character in Get Smart, you guys! You know who else is practically a main character in Get Smart? The Rock! And he has a DVD! And this is kind of an ad for that because he’ll never show his face around here again! We should try to draft Anne Hathaway, though!
The Great Khali: AAAHGH ITHPACT BMPHX!
Vince: Yes, good point. Let’s make the call!
Donna: STOP CALLING ME!
Vince: Heh. Oops. Anyway, here’s our next call!
Justin: Hello? Who is this?
Vince: This is Vince McMahon! Do you know the password?
Justin: Excuse me? I can’t hear you. What did you say?
Vince: What is it, Khali?
Khali: Hello, my name is Bob from WWE Technical support, how can I help you today, sir?
Justin: Well, I was trying to win the $100,000 McMahon Money Grab, but I can’t seem to get through.
Khali: Ok, I think I can help you with that, sir. First, sir, is your phone plugged in? Phones need outlets and sometimes need to be plugged into power sockets to work properly, sir.
Justin: Yes, it’s plugged in.
Khali: Then, could you do this for me, sir? Check the sides of your phone to see if there’s a volume control. It might be a dial or perhaps some buttons, sir. Can you do that, sir? Sir?
Justin: Man, I’m looking, but I don’t see no volume controls on this.
Khali: All right, sir, I’m going to have to put you on hold for a minute, is that ok, sir?
Edge comes out to applaud this.
Edge vs. John Cena
Boy, I’ve never seen this match before. Seriously though, it’s nice to see these two guys in the ring together again. Are they near any water? I hope they fight out into a river again too. Wait, they’re in San Antonio? I thought they would’ve gone more nuts for Michaels. But it’s perfect, because they can go take it to the Rivercenter Mall. I’ll be really disappointed if they don’t do this now, because that would be really fantastic. Edge bails out to go hang out at Rivercenter, but Cena stays because…he wants a draft pick, I guess. I hope they don’t take OJ Mayo, though. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” runs out to yell at Edge for not telling him how ridiculous he looks with his new haircut. I mean…Geez.
Big Bucks! Big Bucks! No Whammies! No Whammies! This show would be SO much better if Wink Martindale was the host instead of Lillian Garcia and…STOP!
On Batista! No way!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am on the same show as my friend HUNTER! YAY!
Edge: I mean, I know that Smackdown gets pillaged for talent every year, but geez. This is getting kind of pathetic. But really awesome for me! Who will I have to defend my title against? Shannon Moore? Fantastic! I mean, what? Oooh, Jeff Hardy! Hahahaha.
Vickie Guerrero: I know. I hate Smackdown too. I’m going to wheel myself down to ringside every week and heckle J.R. until he quits and we have to go with the awesome Zombie Josh Matthews/Mick Foley commentary team.
Edge: You know, even as a Zombie, Josh Matthews is pretty hot.
Vickie: Hey now!
Vince McMahon: No, he’s right. Not only that, but, quite frankly, he’s still the hottest Diva on any of our rosters. Just so we’re clear, you do know that you still have to fight Batista for the World Title at Night of the Living Champions, right?
Edge: I kinda miss “Vengeance.”
Vickie: Me too.
Vince: Me too, but, Oh well.
Edge: Did you know that the U.S. Title is currently being contested against two ECW guys on that PPV?
Vince: Them’s the bricks, kiddo.
Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Tommy Dreamer (w/ Colin Delaney)
Oh, come ON! Poor Tommy. At least I get to see him wrestle again. Adamle starts off his commentary by awesomely forgetting that Matt Hardy got drafted to ECW and then being freaked the hell out by Colin Delaney’s mysterious appearance at ringside, despite the fact that he’d come to the ring about ten minutes earlier with Dreamer. Tazz has enough of this and just starts calling the match his damn self. Poor Tazz. Everybody in ECW has a hard luck story. Wouldn’t it have been hilarious if J.R. had been drafted there though? I’d love to see that blog post. MVP won about five minutes ago with a front kick. Um…k?
No Whammies! No Whammies! Big Bucks and STOP!
$1,000 and a Spin! Awesome! Ok, here we go. Big Bucks! No Whammies…Can I just pass that spin? No? Damn. And STOP!
Totally Not Jamal is now on Smackdown. Aw. I’ll miss you little guy! Not Jamal celebrates getting picked to go to the B-Brand by giving Tommy a Thumb to the Eye and throwing Colin into the ceiling. Too bad you won’t actually be facing those guys, dude. Seriously, though, was Kane busy or something? I love Tommy and everything, but come on, Teddy! You’ve got to be smarter than that. Awesomely, Adamle is very excited about the prospect of the Samoan Bulldog on Smackdown. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that one somewhere before.
Speaking of which, would it kill Adamle to say “Needs More Kane?” Once? It’s all I’m asking for. If anybody can pull it off, he can.
John Bradshaw Leyfield vs. Kofi Kingston
I love Kofi’s music. And JBL comes out in his limo which is pretty freaking awesome. I love that damn limo. Adamle interrupts everybody so that he can say “Jamaican Sensation.” I wish he would’ve come back with “Jamaican Me Crazy” too, but he doesn’t. Couldn’t RAW have gotten Adamle back? I mean, no offense to Michael Cole, but Michael Cole sucks. Not to say that Adamle doesn’t suck, but he sucks in a spectacular and interesting way. JBL with the Clothesline from Hell, because they’ll be damned if they let ECW have anybody else.
Come on now! Big Bucks! No Whammies! No Whammies! Big Bucks and…STOP!
RAW gets a little more KANE!
Kane: So…I’m the ECW champion, but I’m on RAW. And I’m fighting Big Show on the pay per view, and he’s from Smackdown. So ECW is guaranteed not to have its own title? And didn’t I get banished from RAW forever when I lost to The Great Khali? Even though he left for Smackdown, like, two days later?
John Bradshaw Leyfield: Yeah, I hate this show too, buddy.
Vince is back in the money pit. But there’s no guest this time.
Vince McMahon: I don’t need a guest at this point, because it just so happens that this cash grab is going to be gimmicky enough as it is! I’m going to call our winner right now, and we’re going to see what happens!
Tough Enough Jessie: Hello? Yes?
Vince: Is this Tough Enough Jessie? Wow! She’s right here in the production area, folks! Do you know the password?
T.E. Jessie: It’s Bmphx, but I’m not eligible! I still work here!
Vince: Not any more! Congratulations!
T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAAAH! Yay. WAAAAAAAAH!
It’s time for a goofy ass battle royale!
John Cena, Triple H, “Dave” Batista “Davidson,” Some Ducks, CM Punk, Kane, Matt Hardy, John Morrison, Mike Mizanin, The Muskateer, Chavo Guerrero, Shelton Benjamin, Edge, The Great Khali, Jeff Hardy, Big Show, Some Geese, and Montel Vontavious Porter
That’s pretty much everybody they’ve got. What, no Chuck Palumbo? No Dreamer? No Charlie Haas? Anyway, the winning brand gets two draft picks, and I think it’d be hilarious if ECW won it and picked up Edge and Hunter. Kane would be the top star of the main brands! Plus, I’d just love to see HHH work ECW for one night before demanding to get traded. Maybe TNA can send them Booker T and The Dudley Boyz? Everybody you think would be eliminated in the first five minutes (read: Team ECW) is, so we’re left with the RAW and Smackdown guys fighting it out as we break for these….
Batista and Edge ram into each other and Dave’s head flies off. Thankfully, Colin Delaney is still in the ceiling to catch it, but that counts as an elimination. Aw, I was pulling for you, Dave! So now we’re down to Hunter and Cena against Big Show and Edge, and none of these guys wants anybody drafted onto their show, but Hunter and Cena don’t want to run the risk of getting dumped on to Smackdown, so they team up to toss Show. But Cena’s ego is out of control, so he tosses HHH too. Yeah! Screw you, dude! Edge seizes on the opportunity not to be separated from his girlfriend and minions, and he tosses Cena. Smackdown wins! Isn’t it funny that they always treat Smackdown like crap, but they always have them win the interbrand matches?
Ok, two spins! Here we go! No Whammies! No Whammies! Big Bucks and STOP! On Ken Kennedy!
Ken Kennedy: Nooooooo! I just got here! How will I finish off my big feud with Paul Burchill?
And second spin! No Whammies! Big Bucks! Hey…Where’s that dude that can predict the pattern of these things? I want that pool table. And STOP!
On Triple H. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Triple H: No. No way. Oh HELL NO!
Edge: Seriously, I don’t want to have to job my belt to this guy. Can a girl get a salad here?
HHH: What kind of crap is this? Damn you Penguin! Damn you to hell! Why did you have to leave me here in this dimension where I’m on…ugh…Smackdown? I’m calling it right now, Vickie Guerrero trades me back for Trevor Murdoch, Survivor’s Ashley, and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I would express grief if I know where I WAS!
Vince wanders out on stage to hand out the last prize.
Vince McMahon: Ok, let’s get this over with! $500,000 and then we’re done. I can’t wait to get out of here. I’ve got a fondue party to go to tonight? Have you ever been to a fondue party? You don’t want to miss that. Anyway, I’m going to call our big winner here. His name is Robbie V, and he’s from Battle Creek, Michigan, folks! Let’s hope he knows the password!
Suddenly, the stage starts to collapse.
Vince: Well, that’s unusual. Well, I’m certainly not going to move.
Then, crashing through space and time itself, a comfortable looking Ottoman comes crashing through the stage.
Suleiman the Magnificent: That landing was significantly less comfortable than the journey down here.
Also, Rob Van Dam comes flying in on a padded stool, ramming Vince McMahon through the floor. Vince McMahon has been torn asunder. Um…Again.
Kane: Ok, you clearly can’t blame this one on me.
Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!
Triple H: What the hell is this crap?
Next Week: The Results of the Supplemental draft are in! Can you wait for Deuce to show up on RAW? Plus an update on how many pieces Vince McMahon is in. And Ding Dong the Witch is dead! What will RAW be like without Triple H?