Last Week: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” went in search of his dictionary. CM Punk was inexplicably still WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And Kane ate lunch at night. Yeah, it was kind of a slow week, ok? Maybe it won’t be so slow…TONIGHT!!
It’s Zombie John Cena! Rap at me, John!
Zombie John Cena:
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!
Batista is out and he’s dressed in the latest styles from Baby Foot Locker. Lookin’ good, Dave!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: That was the best rap EVER! EVER! I am sorry I hit YOU! Let us be FRIENDS!
Cena: Oh, Dave, I can’t be mad at you! But just because we’re in your home town of Washington, DC, I still don’t think you should get a title shot.
Batista: They do not sell title belts at Baby Foot LOCKER!
Cena: As much as I think everybody on the Internet would hate it, I think our first match should probably headline a Wrestlemania. But barring that, let’s give it up on this throwaway RAW here tonight!
Batista: I will headline RAW!
Here Comes the Moneeeeeeeeeeeey!
Shane McMahon: What in the hell is going on around here? We are not going to give up one of the last premier matches we have just because we kind of forgot to book a main event for RAW. Again. No, no, no, no, no. While my sister was squeezing out another kid this weekend, I was out hiring a General Manager. And their already making changes. Changes like that we booked a main event for tonight! And it’s John Cena and Batista taking on JBL and Kane!!
Batista: That is not ENOUGH! I need more KANE!
Cena: I’m never going to get to book my epic main event against Charlie Haas now!
Shane: Ha! In your face, John Cena! Oh, and CM Punk is wrestling Some Random Guy We Pulled off the Street.
Cena: Sigh…Dave? I just wanted to tell you something. I love you, Dave. I’ve always loved you! I needed you to know that.
Batista: I love you TOO!
Kelly Kelly Kelly and D’Lo Brown vs. Santino Marella & Beth Phoenix
Backstage, Santino and Beth discuss the kiss they shared last week, and how much it meant to them as people, and how hopelessly devoted to each other they are. Then Santino says “Pizza-a Rolls!” and twirls his fake mustache. But never mind that, because you lookin’ at the Real Deal Now! There’s a really weird gap in D’Lo’s music where it used to say “Is that all you got?” but now it says nothing. Damn you, Jim Johnston. This match features more male-on-female violence, which is a recurring theme this month! Yay for…sort of continuity! Santino beats Kelly with a roll-up. Yeah. Afterwards, Santino and Beth share a couple of secret smooches while D’Lo shakes his head and mutters to himself that this is better than TNA.
Santino: You’re-a my real-a Summer Catch-a!
Shane McMahon: Why in the hell do we have a painting of my dad in my office? I feel like he’s hovering! Go hover somewhere else, pops! I hear Stephanie just got pregnant again!
John Bradshaw Leyfield: Look, I’m glad this new general manager is going to clean up the main event, Shane. But where does that leave me? Ever since I got back to RAW, other than killing John Cena, nobody’s told me where I fit in.
Shane: Quite frankly, John, I don’t know what the GM thinks about you because…uh…How do I put this? I haven’t hired him yet. Yeah. I lied earlier. Stephanie told me to come down here and hire somebody quick, but I was going to bail on it earlier…drag it out until Summerslam. I figured she wouldn’t notice, what with the baby and all. You know how chicks are.
Shane: But, I panicked. Now, I’ve got to figure this out. Who the hell would make a good GM?
JBL: I don’t know? Charlie Haas? Anyway, I just need to know, if there’s still not really a GM, does that mean that I can change my match tonight? I really don’t want to be tagging with that loser Kane. Did you know he’s wandering the halls looking for Tupac so he can give him a burlap sack?
Shane: No, I’m afraid that match is still on. Kane was really happy about it, and the happier Kane is? The less my balls get shocked with a car battery.
JBL: Ah! Yeah. I can sympathize.
Kane: I know what you did last summer, JBL!
JBL: Hi, buddy! You mean…announcing Smackdown?
Kane: No! I mean running over John Cena and then lighting his corpse on fire. I know that you did that! The ghostly head of Rey Misterio told me!
JBL: That little…Wait. Last summer? That all happened this month.
Kane: Yeah…I know. “I know what you did this month” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it though. You know?
Shane: He’s got a point. But everybody knows what JBL did this month. Don’t you watch this show?
Kane: Hell no.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Jerry “” Lawler vs. The Tough Guys
For the WWE World Tag Team Championships
So, they’re finally going to pull the trigger on this classic version of the announcer feud, huh? Well, more power to them, I guess. But wait! WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton is down, and he says the new general manager is ordering Michael Cole to take Duggan’s place in the match. Is Chad Patton the new GM? Because that would be pretty awesome. I get the feeling that Chad would make the sweeping changes needed to make RAW must watch television again.
Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole vs. The Tough Guys
For the WWE World Tag Team Championships
I really, really, really want to see Cole win this match. I mean, nothing against Rhodes and DiBiase, but seeing Michael Cole with gold around his waist is just too good an opportunity to pass up. Lawler, of course, wrestles a majority of the match, so I’m bored enough to notice how much I’m enjoying having no announce team. FOX should try this with baseball sometime. Lawler decides to no-sell Cody ripping his elbow apart, so Cole pats him on the back. That’s a tag! Cole is a house afire! Cody Rhodes hits the World’s Most Awkward Clothesline for the win, though. Damn. Well, if we’re going to be killing announcers, bring me the head of Mike Adamle! Afterwards, Lawler and Cole share a tender embrace.
Mike Adamle is on commentary right now. Sadly, his head is still attached. To his credit, Mike mentions that WWE told him to be here tonight, but he doesn’t know why. It’s almost as if he’s forgotten Saturday Night’s Main Event! You wrestled autism, Mike! Now, somebody call The Tazz.
Jamie Noble (w/ Layla El) vs. Kofi Kingston
Apparently, Layla fell for Jamie’s routine after all. Boy’s got skills. I mean, it’s like the guy lives next door to a house full of supermodels or something. This is, of course, a non-title match, because…It’s Jamie Noble. Come on. I AM SHELTON! Adamle can’t wait to explode with a “Jamaican Me Crazy” two seconds into Kofi’s entrance. It really is too bad, though, because I was really looking forward to Michael Cole’s insightful Jamaican dance commentary this week. I’ve been using the Thunder Clap out at all the Jamaican dance clubs I always hit. Everybody loves it. Kofi kicks Jamie in the head for the win. Layla looks…amused.
CM Punk is walking around outside trying to find somebody he can wrestle.
Now Jim Ross is out there with both Adamle and Lawler. J.R. mopes around a bit about how much he misses RAW and then proceeds to talk over everything that Adamle says. That’s not playing nice, Jim.
King William Regal vs. CM Punk
For the WWE World Heavyweight Title
Wow! It’s a good thing they found William Regal out wandering the streets. It’s also probably a good thing that he’s not suspended anymore either! Regal has the most awesome ring robe in the history of our great sport. Seriously, that thing puts anything that Ric Flair or Trevor Murdoch ever wore to shame. His tights on the other hand? Require improvement. JBL comes out to do commentary also, which mainly consists of him yelling at Mike Adamle. LEAVE MIKE ADAMLE ALONE! The match consists almost entirely of Punk and Regal breaking each other’s noses with stiff punches to the nose, and then Punk slipping out and hitting the Go to Sleep for the win. Welcome back, your majesty!
JBL comes into the ring to make fun of Punk for finally winning a match, but Kane interrupts to tell everybody about the exciting present that he found at the bottom of his lunch sack. In his excitement, Kane accidentally punches Bradshaw, so Punk kicks Kane in the back of the head. Then JBL punches Punk, because everybody loves a pointless brawl. Kane stares at JBL for a while before walking backstage to find somebody who cares about his prize. Meanwhile, Punk and Regal strap on flight helmets and prepare their space ships for the war against the evil Kilrathi. Nice to see Punk in a main event match-up for once.
Chris Jericho and Lance Cade are out for the Highlight Reel. The Jeritron is still broken. It’s been a couple months, guys. Come on. Adamle asks if this is the last Highlight Reel ever in a tone that suggests that he has no clue what any of this is. Let’s listen!
Chris Jericho: As you can tell by my business suit and my scruffy beard, I am here for serious business. Because, you see, I’m coming out here to retire the Highlight Reel. It turns out that nobody takes the skinny guy who cracks wise and hosts his own talk show segment seriously, even when he has a wacky cowboy sidekick. Rowdy Roddy Piper told me that, in between screaming rants about how I had “The Sickness.” So, let’s look back at all the crazy, zany things I’ve done in my career.
Here’s about 27 minutes of career highlights for Chris Jericho, featuring exactly zero (0) clips of him from WCW, one (1) clip of him dressed as a clown, and twenty six (26) minutes of him talking about how nice Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-McMahon-Levesque’s breasts are. Also, some monkeys.
Jericho: So, as you can see, my WWE career to this point has been one shining disappointment after another. Also, Stephanie McMahon has big boobs. So, with that in mind, now that Triple H and Shawn Michaels aren’t around to bother me anymore, I’m going to take wrestling more seriously now. I’m going to study up, frown a lot more, and I’m going to wedge my way into this CM Punk debacle as quickly and efficiently as I possibly can.
Lance Cade: Why so serious, Chris?
Jericho: Who said you could talk?!
Jericho: Shut up, or you’re going to TNA to tag with that singing fat guy again!
Cade starts crying and runs off. Jericho’s tone gets really quiet and serious.
Jericho: Shawn Michaels, just like the classic romantic comedy Down to You we’re too star crossed lovers looking for a happier life. Like Julia Styles, I’m searching for my lost youth and my true destiny and you’re a recovering alcoholic who looks damn good in a suit if I do say so myself. So what I’m saying is let’s ditch this crazy wrestling thing and get married. Wait…what? No. I mean, stay at home with your wife and kids and don’t come back until after I win another World Title. Please?
Alexis Laree vs. Jillian Hall
Alexis’ dad is in the crowd tonight. No word on if his name is Larry Laree. I’m just disappointed they didn’t bring in Raven to play her dad. Everybody starts piling on Adamle because he downloaded an iPod on his computer to listen to Jillian Hall songs. Lawler even misses an opportunity to make fun of Jillian Hall’s face to yell at Mike. Poor guy. I bet he’ll still write a letter to Jillian on her 37th birthday. J.R. says that Alexis is beautiful and talented just like that actress who played Buffy. Sure! Alexis with the DDT for the win. After the match, Katie Lea Burchill and her brother Paul attack.
Katie Lea Burchill: That’ll teach you for falling in love with my brother, you bitch!
Paul Burchill: Um…She’s not in love with me, Katie-O. She’s in love with John Cena. Or alternatively, Kofi Kingston.
Mike Adamle: Jamaican me crazy, Kofi!
Katie Lea: I love my brother. A little too much.
Paul: Do you honestly think anybody’s going to get this reference.
Katie is a house of yes.
Todd Grisham is standing by with Shane McMahon.
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Shane McMahon, and Shane, I have to ask you. Have you figured out who the General Manager is on RAW? Because if I may say? We really really really really REALLY need a general manager. Like…right now.
Shane McMahon: No. Do you have any suggestions?
Grisham: Tough Enough Jessie?
Shane: Nah, she was terrible running ECW last year.
Tough Enough Jessie: You never even watched it! WAAAAAAAAH!
Shane: Right. Todd…I have a confession to make. Do you remember the day I hired you?
Grisham: Yeah. It was the worst day of my life.
Shane: Well…you see…I made a bet with The Mean Street Posse that I could take any old boring broadcaster and turn him into a depressed cable TV host.
Shane: And I did that. I took you with your frumpy hair and loose collar, and brought you here to WWE where we gave you spiky hair and glasses and stuck a microphone in your hands. You became the most popular broadcaster on Internet Heat, Todd. And at first? It was all about the bet. But now? I love your announcing style, Todd. I love you.
Grisham: Shane! I…HOW COULD YOU?!
Shane: I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you!
Grisham: I’m not going to the prom with you!
Todd Grisham runs out into the parking lot where he is run over by a car. Todd Grisham has fallen.
John Bradshaw Leyfield: AGH! I wasn’t even trying that time!
Giant Rey Misterio Head: I still know what you did ten seconds ago!
JBL: Leave me alone, Misterio head.
Misterio Head: What are you even driving around in the parking lot for? Don’t you have a match?
JBL: I don’t even know….
Jim Carey is laughing and smiling because he knows that he will never, in a million years, show up at a WWE event. Not even to support his girlfriend’s charity.
Shad Gaspard: Yo, John, is there something different about you since the Bash? You seem…strange.
Zombie John Cena: What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me that I’m not “cool” any more?
JTG: You were never cool! But now you seem…less lively.
Cena: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Shad: Ok, ok. Whatever. Listen to my plan! We’ll get this van, right?
Cena: Like the A-Team?
JTG: Yeah! Only more…rainbow colored. And we’ll solve mysteries and battle the undead!
Cena: Battle the undead, eh?
Shad: Yeah, yeah! You’ll look great in an ascot, so you can be the fey, boring leader!
Cena: I can do that!
Shad: And I’ll be the voluptuous vixen who only cares about his looks.
JTG: I’ll be the stoner who just sits in the back seat and eats sandwiches! Now we just need a talking dog and a braniac.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am SMART! I have this DICTIONARY!
Shad: You know what? Close enough. I love your kids shirt!
Batista: Where are my GLASSES?!
John Bradshaw Leyfield and Kane vs. Zombie John Cena and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
Wait…what are they going to do about the talking dog? Isn’t Harry Smith on Smackdown? Is Al Green doing anything these days? What about Dog, The Bounty Hunter? Wait, scratch that. I don’t think he’d “gel” with Cryme Tyme. Roobyroobyrooo! The story of this match is that Dave is just a poor guy trying to make his local little league team and JBL is the rich socialite that loves him. Ok, actually the story of the match so far is that John Cena likes punching things and Kane is sort of crazy, but that’s the story of every match.
Bradshaw accidentally punches Kane, so things quickly get crazy go nuts, with Kane coming in and pretty much laying waste to everything that moves. Thankfully, WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda has learned his lesson and knows that Kane can’t see him if he stands perfectly still. In the ensuing chaos, Dave bails to go find some Scoobie Snacks and JBL wanders off to drive around the parking lot some more. Left in the ring with nothing better to do, Zombie John Cena gives Kane an FU and picks up the win.
Shane McMahon: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve figured it out! Your new General Manager is…MIKE ADAMLE!
Mike Adamle: This is the greatest decision in the history of whatever this thing is! As my first decision as the manager of ECW-
Adamle: I’m going to give John Cena a big ol’ hug!
Zombie John Cena: Err….
Adamle: And I’m firing the announcers! I’m bringing in our classically trained Japanese Announce Team, Kenji Fukui and Dr. Yukio Hatori! Those are two guys that respect me! Even though I thought they were Rachel Ray and Emeril for five months! And another thing-
Shane: This was a bad idea.
Adamle: Your Summer Slalom main event will be The Tazz taking on Jeff Harvey for the WCW Welterweight Title!
Shane: A very, very bad idea.
Adamle: So…do I still need to show up for work tomorrow, Shawn?
Next Week: The Mystery Mobile rolls on up to Kane’s house and re-masks him. Ric Flair returns to beat the crap out of Regal for having such an awesome robe. And, for some reason, Mike Adamle books Jamie Noble vs. Layla El as the main event.
Freddie Prinze Jr.: Yeah! My first show in the bag! I really hope this show lasts longer than Freddie! What did you think?
The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Don’t you talk to me!