Last Week: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” went in search of his dictionary. CM Punk was inexplicably still WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And Kane ate lunch at night. Yeah, it was kind of a slow week, ok? Maybe it won’t be so slow…TONIGHT!!

(Opening Credits)

It’s Zombie John Cena! Rap at me, John!

Zombie John Cena:

AAAAAAGH!

ZAAAAAMP!

GROOOOAAN!

BRAAAAAINS

BRRRRRAAAINS!

BRAAAAAAAINS!

BRAAAAAINS!

THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

Batista is out and he’s dressed in the latest styles from Baby Foot Locker. Lookin’ good, Dave!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: That was the best rap EVER! EVER! I am sorry I hit YOU! Let us be FRIENDS!

Cena: Oh, Dave, I can’t be mad at you! But just because we’re in your home town of Washington, DC, I still don’t think you should get a title shot.

Batista: They do not sell title belts at Baby Foot LOCKER!

Cena: As much as I think everybody on the Internet would hate it, I think our first match should probably headline a Wrestlemania. But barring that, let’s give it up on this throwaway RAW here tonight!

Batista: I will headline RAW!

Here Comes the Moneeeeeeeeeeeey!

Shane McMahon: What in the hell is going on around here? We are not going to give up one of the last premier matches we have just because we kind of forgot to book a main event for RAW. Again. No, no, no, no, no. While my sister was squeezing out another kid this weekend, I was out hiring a General Manager. And their already making changes. Changes like that we booked a main event for tonight! And it’s John Cena and Batista taking on JBL and Kane!!

Batista: That is not ENOUGH! I need more KANE!

Cena: I’m never going to get to book my epic main event against Charlie Haas now!

Shane: Ha! In your face, John Cena! Oh, and CM Punk is wrestling Some Random Guy We Pulled off the Street.

Cena: Sigh…Dave? I just wanted to tell you something. I love you, Dave. I’ve always loved you! I needed you to know that.

Batista: I love you TOO!

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Kelly Kelly Kelly and D’Lo Brown vs. Santino Marella & Beth Phoenix

Backstage, Santino and Beth discuss the kiss they shared last week, and how much it meant to them as people, and how hopelessly devoted to each other they are. Then Santino says “Pizza-a Rolls!” and twirls his fake mustache. But never mind that, because you lookin’ at the Real Deal Now! There’s a really weird gap in D’Lo’s music where it used to say “Is that all you got?” but now it says nothing. Damn you, Jim Johnston. This match features more male-on-female violence, which is a recurring theme this month! Yay for…sort of continuity! Santino beats Kelly with a roll-up. Yeah. Afterwards, Santino and Beth share a couple of secret smooches while D’Lo shakes his head and mutters to himself that this is better than TNA.

Santino: You’re-a my real-a Summer Catch-a!

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Backstage…

Shane McMahon: Why in the hell do we have a painting of my dad in my office? I feel like he’s hovering! Go hover somewhere else, pops! I hear Stephanie just got pregnant again!

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Look, I’m glad this new general manager is going to clean up the main event, Shane. But where does that leave me? Ever since I got back to RAW, other than killing John Cena, nobody’s told me where I fit in.

Shane: Quite frankly, John, I don’t know what the GM thinks about you because…uh…How do I put this? I haven’t hired him yet. Yeah. I lied earlier. Stephanie told me to come down here and hire somebody quick, but I was going to bail on it earlier…drag it out until Summerslam. I figured she wouldn’t notice, what with the baby and all. You know how chicks are.

JBL: Totally.

Shane: But, I panicked. Now, I’ve got to figure this out. Who the hell would make a good GM?

JBL: I don’t know? Charlie Haas? Anyway, I just need to know, if there’s still not really a GM, does that mean that I can change my match tonight? I really don’t want to be tagging with that loser Kane. Did you know he’s wandering the halls looking for Tupac so he can give him a burlap sack?

Shane: No, I’m afraid that match is still on. Kane was really happy about it, and the happier Kane is? The less my balls get shocked with a car battery.

JBL: Ah! Yeah. I can sympathize.

Kane: I know what you did last summer, JBL!

JBL: Hi, buddy! You mean…announcing Smackdown?

Kane: No! I mean running over John Cena and then lighting his corpse on fire. I know that you did that! The ghostly head of Rey Misterio told me!

JBL: That little…Wait. Last summer? That all happened this month.

Kane: Yeah…I know. “I know what you did this month” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it though. You know?

Shane: He’s got a point. But everybody knows what JBL did this month. Don’t you watch this show?

Kane: Hell no.

Meanwhile….

Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Jerry “” Lawler vs. The Tough Guys

For the WWE World Tag Team Championships

So, they’re finally going to pull the trigger on this classic version of the announcer feud, huh? Well, more power to them, I guess. But wait! WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton is down, and he says the new general manager is ordering Michael Cole to take Duggan’s place in the match. Is Chad Patton the new GM? Because that would be pretty awesome. I get the feeling that Chad would make the sweeping changes needed to make RAW must watch television again.

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Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole vs. The Tough Guys

For the WWE World Tag Team Championships

I really, really, really want to see Cole win this match. I mean, nothing against Rhodes and DiBiase, but seeing Michael Cole with gold around his waist is just too good an opportunity to pass up. Lawler, of course, wrestles a majority of the match, so I’m bored enough to notice how much I’m enjoying having no announce team. FOX should try this with baseball sometime. Lawler decides to no-sell Cody ripping his elbow apart, so Cole pats him on the back. That’s a tag! Cole is a house afire! Cody Rhodes hits the World’s Most Awkward Clothesline for the win, though. Damn. Well, if we’re going to be killing announcers, bring me the head of Mike Adamle! Afterwards, Lawler and Cole share a tender embrace.

(ads)

Mike Adamle is on commentary right now. Sadly, his head is still attached. To his credit, Mike mentions that WWE told him to be here tonight, but he doesn’t know why. It’s almost as if he’s forgotten Saturday Night’s Main Event! You wrestled autism, Mike! Now, somebody call The Tazz.

Jamie Noble (w/ Layla El) vs. Kofi Kingston

Apparently, Layla fell for Jamie’s routine after all. Boy’s got skills. I mean, it’s like the guy lives next door to a house full of supermodels or something. This is, of course, a non-title match, because…It’s Jamie Noble. Come on. I AM SHELTON! Adamle can’t wait to explode with a “Jamaican Me Crazy” two seconds into Kofi’s entrance. It really is too bad, though, because I was really looking forward to Michael Cole’s insightful Jamaican dance commentary this week. I’ve been using the Thunder Clap out at all the Jamaican dance clubs I always hit. Everybody loves it. Kofi kicks Jamie in the head for the win. Layla looks…amused.

CM Punk is walking around outside trying to find somebody he can wrestle.

(ads)

Now Jim Ross is out there with both Adamle and Lawler. J.R. mopes around a bit about how much he misses RAW and then proceeds to talk over everything that Adamle says. That’s not playing nice, Jim.

King William Regal vs. CM Punk

For the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Wow! It’s a good thing they found William Regal out wandering the streets. It’s also probably a good thing that he’s not suspended anymore either! Regal has the most awesome ring robe in the history of our great sport. Seriously, that thing puts anything that Ric Flair or Trevor Murdoch ever wore to shame. His tights on the other hand? Require improvement. JBL comes out to do commentary also, which mainly consists of him yelling at Mike Adamle. LEAVE MIKE ADAMLE ALONE! The match consists almost entirely of Punk and Regal breaking each other’s noses with stiff punches to the nose, and then Punk slipping out and hitting the Go to Sleep for the win. Welcome back, your majesty!

JBL comes into the ring to make fun of Punk for finally winning a match, but Kane interrupts to tell everybody about the exciting present that he found at the bottom of his lunch sack. In his excitement, Kane accidentally punches Bradshaw, so Punk kicks Kane in the back of the head. Then JBL punches Punk, because everybody loves a pointless brawl. Kane stares at JBL for a while before walking backstage to find somebody who cares about his prize. Meanwhile, Punk and Regal strap on flight helmets and prepare their space ships for the war against the evil Kilrathi. Nice to see Punk in a main event match-up for once.

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Chris Jericho and Lance Cade are out for the Highlight Reel. The Jeritron is still broken. It’s been a couple months, guys. Come on. Adamle asks if this is the last Highlight Reel ever in a tone that suggests that he has no clue what any of this is. Let’s listen!

Chris Jericho: As you can tell by my business suit and my scruffy beard, I am here for serious business. Because, you see, I’m coming out here to retire the Highlight Reel. It turns out that nobody takes the skinny guy who cracks wise and hosts his own talk show segment seriously, even when he has a wacky cowboy sidekick. Rowdy Roddy Piper told me that, in between screaming rants about how I had “The Sickness.” So, let’s look back at all the crazy, zany things I’ve done in my career.

Here’s about 27 minutes of career highlights for Chris Jericho, featuring exactly zero (0) clips of him from WCW, one (1) clip of him dressed as a clown, and twenty six (26) minutes of him talking about how nice Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-McMahon-Levesque’s breasts are. Also, some monkeys.

Jericho: So, as you can see, my WWE career to this point has been one shining disappointment after another. Also, Stephanie McMahon has big boobs. So, with that in mind, now that Triple H and Shawn Michaels aren’t around to bother me anymore, I’m going to take wrestling more seriously now. I’m going to study up, frown a lot more, and I’m going to wedge my way into this CM Punk debacle as quickly and efficiently as I possibly can.

Lance Cade: Why so serious, Chris?

Jericho: Who said you could talk?!

Cade: Sorr-

Jericho: Shut up, or you’re going to TNA to tag with that singing fat guy again!

Cade starts crying and runs off. Jericho’s tone gets really quiet and serious.

Jericho: Shawn Michaels, just like the classic romantic comedy Down to You we’re too star crossed lovers looking for a happier life. Like Julia Styles, I’m searching for my lost youth and my true destiny and you’re a recovering alcoholic who looks damn good in a suit if I do say so myself. So what I’m saying is let’s ditch this crazy wrestling thing and get married. Wait…what? No. I mean, stay at home with your wife and kids and don’t come back until after I win another World Title. Please?

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Alexis Laree vs. Jillian Hall

Alexis’ dad is in the crowd tonight. No word on if his name is Larry Laree. I’m just disappointed they didn’t bring in Raven to play her dad. Everybody starts piling on Adamle because he downloaded an iPod on his computer to listen to Jillian Hall songs. Lawler even misses an opportunity to make fun of Jillian Hall’s face to yell at Mike. Poor guy. I bet he’ll still write a letter to Jillian on her 37^th birthday. J.R. says that Alexis is beautiful and talented just like that actress who played Buffy. Sure! Alexis with the DDT for the win. After the match, Katie Lea Burchill and her brother Paul attack.

Katie Lea Burchill: That’ll teach you for falling in love with my brother, you bitch!

Paul Burchill: Um…She’s not in love with me, Katie-O. She’s in love with John Cena. Or alternatively, Kofi Kingston.

Mike Adamle: Jamaican me crazy, Kofi!

Katie Lea: I love my brother. A little too much.

Paul: Do you honestly think anybody’s going to get this reference.

Katie is a house of yes.

Todd Grisham is standing by with Shane McMahon.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Shane McMahon, and Shane, I have to ask you. Have you figured out who the General Manager is on RAW? Because if I may say? We really really really really REALLY need a general manager. Like…right now.

Shane McMahon: No. Do you have any suggestions?

Grisham: Tough Enough Jessie?

Shane: Nah, she was terrible running ECW last year.

Tough Enough Jessie: You never even watched it! WAAAAAAAAH!

Shane: Right. Todd…I have a confession to make. Do you remember the day I hired you?

Grisham: Yeah. It was the worst day of my life.

Shane: Well…you see…I made a bet with The Mean Street Posse that I could take any old boring broadcaster and turn him into a depressed cable TV host.

Grisham: Wait-

Shane: And I did that. I took you with your frumpy hair and loose collar, and brought you here to WWE where we gave you spiky hair and glasses and stuck a microphone in your hands. You became the most popular broadcaster on Internet Heat, Todd. And at first? It was all about the bet. But now? I love your announcing style, Todd. I love you.

Grisham: Shane! I…HOW COULD YOU?!

Shane: I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you!

Grisham: I’m not going to the prom with you!

Shane: TODD!

Todd Grisham runs out into the parking lot where he is run over by a car. Todd Grisham has fallen.

John Bradshaw Leyfield: AGH! I wasn’t even trying that time!

Giant Rey Misterio Head: I still know what you did ten seconds ago!

JBL: Leave me alone, Misterio head.

Misterio Head: What are you even driving around in the parking lot for? Don’t you have a match?

JBL: I don’t even know….

(ads)

Jim Carey is laughing and smiling because he knows that he will never, in a million years, show up at a WWE event. Not even to support his girlfriend’s charity.

Backstage….

Shad Gaspard: Yo, John, is there something different about you since the Bash? You seem…strange.

Zombie John Cena: What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me that I’m not “cool” any more?

JTG: You were never cool! But now you seem…less lively.

Cena: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Shad: Ok, ok. Whatever. Listen to my plan! We’ll get this van, right?

Cena: Like the A-Team?

JTG: Yeah! Only more…rainbow colored. And we’ll solve mysteries and battle the undead!

Cena: Battle the undead, eh?

Shad: Yeah, yeah! You’ll look great in an ascot, so you can be the fey, boring leader!

Cena: I can do that!

Shad: And I’ll be the voluptuous vixen who only cares about his looks.

JTG: I’ll be the stoner who just sits in the back seat and eats sandwiches! Now we just need a talking dog and a braniac.

Cena: BRAAAAAAAIIIINiac!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am SMART! I have this DICTIONARY!

Shad: You know what? Close enough. I love your kids shirt!

Batista: Where are my GLASSES?!

(ads)

John Bradshaw Leyfield and Kane vs. Zombie John Cena and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Wait…what are they going to do about the talking dog? Isn’t Harry Smith on Smackdown? Is Al Green doing anything these days? What about Dog, The Bounty Hunter? Wait, scratch that. I don’t think he’d “gel” with Cryme Tyme. Roobyroobyrooo! The story of this match is that Dave is just a poor guy trying to make his local little league team and JBL is the rich socialite that loves him. Ok, actually the story of the match so far is that John Cena likes punching things and Kane is sort of crazy, but that’s the story of every match.

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Bradshaw accidentally punches Kane, so things quickly get crazy go nuts, with Kane coming in and pretty much laying waste to everything that moves. Thankfully, WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda has learned his lesson and knows that Kane can’t see him if he stands perfectly still. In the ensuing chaos, Dave bails to go find some Scoobie Snacks and JBL wanders off to drive around the parking lot some more. Left in the ring with nothing better to do, Zombie John Cena gives Kane an FU and picks up the win.

Shane McMahon: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve figured it out! Your new General Manager is…MIKE ADAMLE!

Mike Adamle: This is the greatest decision in the history of whatever this thing is! As my first decision as the manager of ECW-

Shane: RAW!

Adamle: I’m going to give John Cena a big ol’ hug!

Zombie John Cena: Err….

Adamle: And I’m firing the announcers! I’m bringing in our classically trained Japanese Announce Team, Kenji Fukui and Dr. Yukio Hatori! Those are two guys that respect me! Even though I thought they were Rachel Ray and Emeril for five months! And another thing-

Shane: This was a bad idea.

Adamle: Your Summer Slalom main event will be The Tazz taking on Jeff Harvey for the WCW Welterweight Title!

Shane: A very, very bad idea.

Adamle: So…do I still need to show up for work tomorrow, Shawn?

Next Week: The Mystery Mobile rolls on up to Kane’s house and re-masks him. Ric Flair returns to beat the crap out of Regal for having such an awesome robe. And, for some reason, Mike Adamle books Jamie Noble vs. Layla El as the main event.

 

 

Elsewhere….

Freddie Prinze Jr.: Yeah! My first show in the bag! I really hope this show lasts longer than Freddie! What did you think?

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Don’t you talk to me!

Places of Interest

Uldaman
Kargath
Angor Fortress

The Badlands are a minor questing zone north of Loch Modan. Most notably, it’s the location of Uldaman, a mid-level instance with a number of decent quest lines leading through it. The zone is made up primarily of Horde, with the only town and flight path, Kargath, being Horde aligned. That said, there are a good grouping of quests throughout the zone that are relatively easy and about equally divided amongst Horde, Alliance, and neutral quest givers.

Unfortunately, the Badlands suffer from a number of rather severe issues. The land is pretty much the same throughout the zone and very boring, the quest hubs are spread out and the quests aren’t well grouped, and most notably, Kargath is extaordinarly hard for Horde to get to at the levels during which the questing takes place. They either have to make a run through two Alliance controlled zones (Wetlands-Loch Modan) or make their way through a higher level zone in the Searing Gorge. This makes Badlands one of the most skippable zones in the entire game.

Mining: Silver, Gold, Iron, Mithril, Truesilver, Indurium. Very good mining prospects, as you might expect from such a rocky region. It might not necissarily warrant a special trip out to the Badlands just to farm minerals, but if you’re in the area, it’s a good spot to grind. Indurium is a special mineral used as part of a quest, and can only be mined around the Uldaman instance.

Herbalism: Firebloom, Purple Lotus, Kingsblood, Fadeleaf, Goldthorn, Khadgar’s Whisker Suprisingly, the Badlands is a pretty good place for a mid-level herbalist to gather some mats. Firebloom and fadeleaf are usually in pretty good supply amongst the plains and hills respectively, and there are a few places around the mob encampments to snatch up some rare Purple Lotus.

Cloth: Silk, Mageweave Moderate drops amongst the Ogres and Dark Iron Dwarves in the area. There are a few troggs around as well. You could do a lot better, but if you’re questing in the area and desperately need to farm some cloth, you could do a lot worse than grinding some out of the Dark Iron Dwarves around Angor Fortress and outside of Uldaman.

Leather: Medium Leather, Heavy Leather Dragon Scale, Turtle Scale There are a number of Coyotes and Cheetahs to farm leather off of, but it’s not a spectacular number and there isn’t much variety on the mobs you’ll be facing, if you’re bored by those kinds of things. The real jewel of the Badlands comes from the dragons in the eastern portion of the zone.

Badlands has the unfortunate distinction of being one of the least interesting and used zones in the game. For Horde, it’s not worth going to except to get the flight path, and for Alliance, it’s barely worth going to at all. There are a few quest chains worth doing, Uldaman is a good mid-level instance, and there are a few outside quests that will demand that you at least pass through The Badlands, but if you can do your questing elsewhere? The Badlands are worth avoiding.

Green Bay Packers
Last Season’s Record: 13-3, 1st Place

Strengths: Assuming he gets his contract issues resolved, Ryan Grant seemed to be a top line running back. The receiving corps are maturing at a solid pace, which will be very important. The Packers defense performed extremely well last season, and should continue to compete a high level this season.

Weaknesses: The elephant in the room, of course, is Bret Favre. There’s no doubt that the Packers would be a better team with Favre at the helm, but they seem committed to moving forward with Aaron Rodgers, who, in his 4th season, can’t be considered a “project” any more. If Rodgers falters, however, there’s no support net, and he’s really only seen a few quarters worth of NFL action, so he’s almost as much of a rookie as Matt Ryan. Not helping matters is an offensive line that can be spotty at times.

Prediction: 8-8, 2nd Place The team is largely the same as the one that made the NFC Championship game last year, but there are some major questions here. There’s little doubt that they overperformed last season, and a bit of coming down to earth is to be expected. Complicating matters is the sword of Favre that is hanging over their heads, whether they deal him or not, so the team will largely go where “career backup” Aaron Rodgers goes.

Minnesota Vikings
Last Season’s Record: 8-8, 2nd Place

Strengths: On paper, they have the most well balanced team in the NFC this season. Jared Allen and Maddieu Williams immediately improves an already improving pass defense, which compliments the best run defense in the league. Adrian Peterson and a solid offensive line provide an explosive running game, and Sidney Rice and Bernard Berrian are good recievers which should keep defenders out of the box.

Weaknesses: The eye of scrutiny will be on Tarvaris Jackson all season long, because his ability to sprinkle in passes around Peterson and Chester Taylor will determine whether or not his team makes the Super Bowl. Allen is a huge upgrade in pass defense, but the Vikings Linebacking corps is still poor in coverage of backs and tight ends. Coach Brad Childress’ game planning abilities are still somewhat questionable.

Prediction: 11-5, 1st Place On talent alone, the Vikings should win double digit games this season. The upgrades at defensive end, wide receiver, and safety put a mediocre team over the top to being very good. If Tarvaris Jackson can get on track at all, the defense and running game should be enough to pull the Vikings into the Playoffs.

Detroit Lions
Last Season’s Record: 7-9, 3rd Place

Strengths: A move away Mike Martz’ offense to a more conservative playbook should suit John Kitna better. Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams are as good a 1-2 punch at reciever as any in the league. Gosder Cherilus should help sure up a somewhat rocky offensive line from last season.

Weaknesses: Kitna’s an iffy proposition, because he won’t win any games by himself. Johnson was great last season, but he couldn’t stay healthy and a bad back is a scary thing for a young receiver. The defense is in shambles a bit, and though they weren’t great last year, there’s going to be a lot of new faces that need to learn their roles in the starting line-up this year. There is not a front-line running back on the roster this year.

Prediction: 6-10, 4th Place Kitna is promising 10 wins again this year, which is a bit of a laugh. The truth is that the Lions won’t suprise anybody this year like they did out of the gates in 2007. The defenses’ strength is questionable, the running game looks, early on, to be non-existant, and while the receivers look great on paper, keeping them healthy for the whole season is going to be awfully tough. They do have the benefit of an easier schedule to start the season, however.

Chicago Bears
Last Season’s Record: 7-9, 4th Place

Strengths: A lot of the defense from their NFC Championship run in 2006 is back, and a lot of them are healthy. Brian Urlacher, Lance Briggs, and Tommie Harris seem happy too. Devin Hester is still the league’s most exciting player. The offensive line has gotten some huge upgrades from last year.

Weaknesses: Where to start? There is no starting quarterback on the roster, and Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman are basically playing under a “One loss and you’re done” ultimatum. Hester hasn’t shown much as a wide reciever, and there aren’t really any better wide outs on the roster. Matt Forte has a lot to prove in his rookie year on a team that desperately needs a rushing attack. The championship defense is starting to show its age.

Prediction: 7-9, 3rd Place It’s a complete crapshoot for this team. The receivers look awful and the running game is completely up in the air at this point. The Bears have two quarterbacks on their roster, and both are playing with their jobs on the line. One would think that either they’re going to gel like they did two years ago and make a playoff push, or completely fall off the table and be horrible. An aging defense, poor receivers, inexperienced runners, and bad quarterbacks is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion, but I think their schedule is favorable enough for them to squeak out seven wins with this defense.

I’ve made a few statements about what YouTube is all about over the years, but I think we can all agree that YouTube is all about old people ranting and raving about things they don’t understand. Truly, once the old and infirm get their hands on a webcam and figure out the newfangled software options, the sky is the limit for their rantings, ravings, and telling kids to get off their lawnings.

Today’s crazy old man rant comes courtesy of something near and dear to my heart (if I had one), professional wrestling. This fine looking gentleman has come out of his desert bunker long enough to transmit a message that we all know is true. That the federal government is using the increasingly unpopular medium of pro-wrestling (and also, for some reason, MTV) to…uh…make people say “Suck it?” I guess? That seems to be his main contention.

Follow along on this 90-video long scavenger hunt to pick up on some other useful nuggets, like how WCW glamourized wearing black and calling a group of old men and skinny comedy wrestlers “The New World Order!” OOoooh! As a bonus, he somehow manages to weave in the “assassination of Chris Benoit” into this plot as well. Seriously, this guy is hillarious and you owe it to yourself to check it out.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World.

1. Christian Bale Kind of Got Arrested. To be fair, he was just being the actor we needed him to be. Seriously though, apparently his sister tried to hit him up for money and when he said no, she started bitching out his wife, so he pushed them out of his room. Or as I call it: Thursdays at my house.

2. Lots of Athletes Are Leaving the U.S. A handful of basketball and hockey stars with solid roles on NBA and NHL teams are eschewing new deals to return to play in European leagues. Are the days where U.S. teams were considered the class of the sports world over? Well…probably not. But, hockey and basketball kind of suck here.

3. Speaking of Sports Sucking, US Army Pulls Athlete Out of NFL. Caleb Campbell, who attended college at Army was convinced not to transfer because a special clause in his service papers would allow him not to join active service if he made an NFL team. However, the Army reversed its decision and pulled him into active duty the day before training camp. It sucks, but thankfully he was spared the shame of ahving to play for the Lions.

4. You Can Now Buy Crap with Your Tivo. Amazon is sponsoring a program that will allow you to link through and buy products related to content you’re watching using a new Tivo remote. These could be DVDs of a TV show, the soundtrack to a movie you’re watching, or even products in the ads you just skipped.

5. CBS Given a Pass to Show Nipples. Hey, remember when Janet Jackson showed her nipple clamp on the Super Bowl halftime show? Well, the FCC passed down a ruling this week, and their ruling? “Meh.” So, you can expect the half time shows to go back to strippers and midgets any time now. Screw you, Tom Petty!

Last Night: CM Punk continued his thrilling title reign with a Double DQ draw with “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” Zombie John Cena got thrown through a car or two and burned alive, but I’m pretty sure he’s ok. And Shawn Michaels’ eye exploded. Why so serious, Shawn? Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!

In the production truck….

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Kelly never gave me back my DICTIONARY!

Dave storms out.

(Opening Credits)

Batista has now made his way to the ring.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I want my dictionary BACK! I also want a title MATCH! One of these times I will beat CM PUNK! Nobody else is bothering so I will be in CHARGE! I want to talk to KANE! He seems like a pretty cool GUY! I wonder if he will be my FRIEND?

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Ok, we’ve done a lot of stupid things in our time on this show, but we’re not seriously considering letting Batista run things, are we?

Batista: I would be a great General MANAGER!

JBL: Dave, you sit backstage and play Oregon Trail all night. General Managers have to do things.

Batista: I am curing DYSENTERY!

JBL: You don’t even know what that means!

Batista: It means I shoot the BEARS!

JBL: You know what? I was going to challenge CM Punk, but I don’t even want a match tonight. My back hurts too much. So I’ll just push it back and let you do whatever you want tonight.

Batista: I want to eat ice cream for DINNER!

JBL: And I want a six man title match against Kane. I mean CM Punk. I mean Cena. You know what? I just want a six man tag match. Whoever comes out will be cool.

Batista: I thought you did not want a MATCH?!

JBL: And I thought you were wearing girls sunglasses.

Batista: I feel PRETTY!

CM Punk: Hey guys! I’m the World Champion! Still! Can you believe it?

Batista: Who are YOU?!

JBL shakes his head and mumbles to himself as we head for some….

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Jenny McCarthy wants us to watch Saturday Night’s Main Event. Maybe she can fight Autism by fording the Snake River.

Lance Cade comes out to Shawn Michaels’ music, but he’s not prancing. What’s the point of stealing Shawn’s music if you’re not going to bother to prance it up? Kids these days….

Lance Cade: Shawn Michaels, I dare you to come down here and acknowledge my presence in this feud!

Lance Cade vs. Paul London

Paul London returns to the feud! Poor Paul London. I guess it’s better than playing in Morrison’s old jackets last week like Spanky did. Anyway, Cade beats up London without even looking at him for a few minutes. I wonder if Cade ever feels bad that Murdoch got fired because of this angle. He wasn’t trained by Shawn Michaels! London fires back with some backflips, but Cade ends that rather quickly with a sit-out uranage. Look at me, it’s like I’m covering puroresu all the sudden! Only I’m not! Lance Cade wins!!

Hey! It’s Chris Jericho!

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Go, Jericho, go!

Chris Jericho: That’s right! I grew a scruffy beard! That’s how you can tell that I’m a serious heel! And as a serious heel, I’m going to do serious heel things, like instead of just throwing Shawn Michaels at a TV, I’m going to detach his retina! And instead of just exploding all over Shawn, I’m going to make him go full 1.0 Muta until people are getting his blood on them all night! And Lance Cade is like Ralphus!

Lance Cade: Hey!

Jericho: Shut up! You are! Anyway, I saved you all from one old ass wrestler, so job well done as far as I’m concerned. Mission Accomplished.

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Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

Kelly’s still got the dictionary, so I guess she hasn’t run into Batista yet. How long does it take a person to look up “contract” anyway? I still love Beth’s cheesy ‘80s music and crown. Beth, though, not so much. The crowd decides to chant for Kelly, because…hell, I don’t know. I guess they just don’t get enough women in Connecticut. Did they ever explain why Shane and Stephanie aren’t here tonight? Connecticut is not that big, y’all. Beth with an inverse power bomb for the win. Lawler still isn’t sure how to act around Cole, which is kind of adorable.

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Hacksaw Jim Duggan is in the ring. Lay some knowledge on us, beardy!

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOOOOOO! I was just sitting backstage thinking about what the Tough Guys said last week, and they’re right. I am an old caricature of my old caricature self. I mean…my only friend really is a board. And other than winning the first Royal Rumble and a King of the Ring a couple decades ago, my lone career highlight really was getting cancer. So, I think it’s best that I just retire. Again.

Inexplicably, the crowd boos. Maybe they just don’t get enough old scraggly men in Connecticut. Jerry Lawler, however, has other ideas.

Jerry Lawler: If you retire, who will job to everybody in the dark matches before RAW?

Duggan: You’re right! Somebody needs to lay down for Deuce! USA! USA! USA!

Cody Rhodes: Man, you two are old! Like…Hacksaw, when you were convincing Hogan to keep you employed, my dad was still wearing his training splotch! And Lawler? Your only career accomplishments came twenty years before any of your girlfriends was born.

Lawler: Jealous?

Cody: Uh…no. That would make my girlfriend three years old.

Lawler: Letterman slap!

Lawler slaps Cody.

Letterman: Eggggh. We’ll be right back with Zombie John Cena and tonight’s Top Ten List!

Ted DiBiase: This…this is our first title feud, isn’t it? That’s…awful.

Duggan: Good luck in your match tonight, Tough Guys!

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John Bradshaw Leyfield and The Tough Guys vs. Zombie John Cena and Cryme Tyme

I haven’t ever seen this match before! “One of the Most Brutal Matches in WWE History” injury count? JBL looks slightly uncomfortable and John Cena has one of his arms wrapped in gauze. JTG gets beat up for what seems like an hour, while JBL spends most of his time on the apron yelling at WWE RAW Referee John Cone for paying more attention to JBL yelling than the match. Cena gets the hot tag, and he immediately starts hitting people with his taped up elbow. Well…he tried? Sort of? Cena hits the FU on both of the Tough Guys at once for the pin while JBL stumbles out of the arena. Ok, I’ll let it go this time, but next time you sell getting run over and blown up for at least one episode, Zombie John!

Backstage, Chris Jericho and Lance Cade are leaving.

Chris Jericho: Well, we got a match and a segment this week. Good times.

Lance Cade: Yeah! I can’t believe I’m finally getting mic-

Jericho: Shut up.

Kane: Have you guys seen Batista?

Jericho: Do we look like main eventers?

Kane: Good point.

Cade: So…What’s in your bag?

Kane: My lunch! Mmm…turkey sandwich!

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When you think WWE, you should be thinking Charlie Sheen, apparently.

Alexis Laree and Kofi Kingston vs. Katie Lea and Paul Burchill

More man on woman violence! RAW is taking it to the streets. Oh boy! SOS! I am Shelton! Kofi nails a pretty swank high cross body on Paul. Michael Cole spends 2/3rds of the match again talking about how his “Thunder Clap” is the hottest dance move in all of Jamaica. Michael Cole: King of Jamaican Dance. Alexis and Katie Lea roll around outside the ring for a while, and Burchill hit’s a neck breaker on Kofi for the win. Really? A neck breaker? Well, whatever. The Burchills win!

Backstage….

Jamie Noble: Hey, Layla! Are we a TV couple yet?

Layla El: Um…No. Probably not ever.

Noble: Aw…Come on, everybody loves Jamie Noble!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Have you seen Kane or KELLY? I want lunch and a DICTIONARY!

Layla: Look! Another ugly bald man to beat you up!

Batista: It was DESTINY!

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Todd Grisham is standing by with CM Punk.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with CM Punk, and Punk, I’ve got to ask you, how does it feel to be the worst WWE World Champion since Rey Misterio?

CM Punk: Worse than The Great Khali?

Grisham: At least Khali won a match.

Punk: Well, Todd, I’m holding it down. Representing for all the midcarders and Indy superstars out there. Letting them know that they too can win a World Title match via countout over a guy who beat them up for twenty minutes!

Grisham: How…Inspiring.

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Man, I hate to rain on this inspiration parade, but I’m really tired of this. When is the midcarders run RAW storyline going to be over so that I can go back to main-eventing RAW like I used to? Get out of here, you transitional champion!

Punk: Didn’t you leave the building?

JBL: Well…I forgot my pants.

Punk: And wouldn’t you much rather face me at Summerslam rather than Batista?

JBL: Hey! Yeah! Good luck in your match tonight!

Suddenly, Kane comes running through the shot, trampling Todd Grisham. Todd Grisham has fallen.

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Hey! Santino! Say something!

Santino Marella: I’m-a a loser-a! But, I’m-a going to try-a this again-a. If there’s-a anybody backstage-a who does not-a have the breasts-a, then I challenge-a you to a match-a!

Santino Marella vs. D’Lo Brown

No way! You lookin’ at the real deal now! D’Lo’s going to put Santino’s sorry ass out on the street. No chest protector for D’Lo, but he’s still got his amazing theme music. Nobody in the crowd knows who D’Lo is at first, but they get into it after a few minutes. Maybe they were wondering why that TNA Road Agent is out here. Beth Phoenix comes out to interview Santino, but first, D’Lo hits the Low Down for the win. You used to think you owned the streets, but pack your bags, your ass is dead meat. Victory is sweet. Here is your receipt. After the match, Beth and Santino have a little staredown, which ends with them making out. Aw. Cutest couple in the WWE! WWE RAW Referee Jon Cone makes the best surprised/disgusted face in the world at this.

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I really need to point out that Michael Cole without his goatee is really creepy. He talks about how much he’s looking forward to the main event, and then stares longingly at the camera and…I think Chris Hansen just exploded.

Batista comes out to do his main event boogie, but Kane runs out after him. This show did need a little more Kane. Kane accidentally hits Dave in the head with his bag, and then accidentally chokeslams him to hell. CM Punk runs out to make fun of Dave for screwing up his big title chance again.

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. CM Punk

For the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Punk holds the advantage for most of the match, thanks to Kane wiping out Dave in the last segment. However, Dave will not be held down for long, so he kicks CM in the head and throws him around for a little while. The sad thing is, even if Punk wins this match, it’s thanks to Kane. The crowd doesn’t really care about any of this. I think they got burned out after Santino and Beth made out. Maybe Punk should’ve main evented against Charlie Haas. As quickly as you can say “Dave” Batista “Davidson,” JBL has flopped down to ringside, and he kicks Batista and hits Punk with a Clothesline from Hell. Another DQ finish! Poor Punk. Cena comes running down to ringside and he takes out JBL, and then thwacks Dave with Kelly Kelly’s dictionary. Batista is kind of pissed. Then CM Punk takes them both out with dueling Shining Wizards off the top rope!! No, just kidding, he’s still writhing in pain outside the ring.

Next Week: CM Punk loses a non-title match to Deuce. The Tough Guys take on Hacksaw Jim Duggan and his Best Friend, the board. Also, Shane and Stephanie show up and frown a lot.

Places of Interest

Theramore Isle
Brackenwall Village
Mudsprocket
Alcaz Island
Onyxia’s Lair

Taking up a good portion of the eastern shore of Kalimdore, Dustwallow Marsh is the perfect staging area for characters levels 30-45, with a lot of missions of varying difficulty and importance. Dustwallow got a huge makeover not long after the Burning Crusade expansion, which significantly boosted the number of quests in the area. There are a few quests in this area (like the Alliance’s Shady Rest investigation and search for the King of Stormwind) which span several levels. The enemy types see a massive variety, and while it’s not particularily diverse, the terrain is interesting at least.

There is an unfortunate amount of running involved in most of the quests in Dustwallow, but thankfully with the latest patch, you should at least have the option of doing most of that running with a mount. Once planned as part of a bigger line of end game quests, Alcaz Island sits depressingly vacant, unless you count the slew of high level elite enemies that patrol it. Also, it just seems like there’s too much to do in Dustwallow at times. There are double digit quest hubs throughout the stretch of the zone, most of which you’ll never even hit before you’ve leveled out.

Mining: Silver, Gold, Iron, Mithril, Truesilver. Not as much mining as you’d hope. There are a few nodes along the outskirts in the cliffyier areas of the zone. Additionally, there are a few caves around that may hold some minerals. It’s not horrible, but there are better zones to go mining.

Herbalism: Stranglekelp, Liferoot, Kingsblood, Fadeleaf, Goldthorn, Khadgar’s Whisker Pretty good herbalism drops here, especially in terms of Stranglekelp along the shore and your usual alotment of Kingsblood in the forest. It’s worth noting that Dustwallow also seems to be a rather good place to pick up some Fadeleaf on the go.

Cloth: Silk, Mageweave The drops here aren’t bad for what it’s worth. There’s your requisite alotment of ghouls, tauren, rebel humans, dragons, murlocs, etc. etc. which drop cloth, especially silk, in pretty good numbers. Just coming here to farm cloth can be a bit of a pain because the mobs are usually in pretty close proximity, so you’ll end up pulling more than you wanted, but while you’re questing, you’ll likely end up with a good stack or two of cloth.

Leather: Medium Leather, Heavy Leather, Murloc Scales, Dragon Scale, Turtle Scale Tons of nice leather farming oportunities here, especially with the numbers of turtles along the coasts and the Dragons around Onyxia’s lair. It’s worth noting that the Murloc population has fallen off considerably since the Defias area was expanded to include the off shore islands.

Mudsproket itself is kind of a wash, but since the zone was completely overhauled after patch 2.4, Dustwallow Marsh went from a “Must Visit” zone to a “Have to Visit” zone. With towns for each faction that rival most major cities and a huge number of quests, it’s almost unavoidable for characters looking to make a push at 50. That said, most of the quest chains are really engrossing, and actually fun to see through to the end. The Alliance gets most of the benefits here, with a pretty entertaining boss fight in the harbor and Lady Jaina Proudmoore, a major character from the Warcraft RTSs based in town.

One special note: The Raid Instance contained in this zone, Onyxia’s Lair, is actually one of the cooler boss fights in the game and the end of one of the lengthier and more interesting quest chains in the game, with hints of its significance showing up around level 10 on either side (especially, once again, for the Alliance). However, it was never scaled for Burning Crusade, and as such, Onyxia’s Lair is pretty much a ghost town nowadays. If you can get a group together, it’s definately still worth checking out, but chances are you won’t.

Dallas Cowboys
Last Season’s Record: 13-3, 1st Place

Strengths: The passing attack, obviously, is solid, with Terrell Owens and Tony Romo always coming up big during the regular season. Marion Barber is a talented back and the addition of Felix Jones gives them some versitility in the backup spot. If Adam Jones can stay out of trouble, the Cowboys defensive backfield will be capable of making a lot of plays.

Weaknesses: He might not be “Pacman” anymore, but staying out of trouble is a *big* if for Adam Jones. Past TO, the Cowboys’ recieving corps is dicey, at best. The offense and defense are starting to show their age a little bit. Wade Phillips has never won a post season game as a coach.

Prediction: 11-5, 1st Place There’s too much talent here for them to finish with less than double digit wins, but the team is starting to show its age (even Tony Romo is 28), and the big offseason addition other that Jones was 34-year old Zach Thomas. Expect a good season out of the Cowboys, but not as good as recent years.

New York Giants
Last Season’s Record: 10-6, 2nd Place (Super Bowl Champions)

Strengths: They’ve got the momentum of a pretty incredible post season run heading into this season. Eli Manning has the monkey off his back, and the locker room is a lot less loud without Jeremy Shockey. Their defense is still one of the most solid in the conference. Offensive line is very solid.

Weaknesses: Past Burress, the recieving corps isn’t anything special. They’ve lost several key pieces of their defense, not the least of which was team leader Michael Strahan. Their defensive line play was a big reason they beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, and it’ll be interesting to see if Justin Tuck can fill that hole.

Prediction: 9-7, 2nd Place The Giants still have the makings of a solid team, but there’s bound to be a little Super Bowl hangover hear. They played way above their heads in the playoffs last year, and ended up riding it to a Super Bowl victory. It’s hard to imagine them following through on that this year.

Washington Redskins
Last Season’s Record: 9-7, 3rd Place

Strengths: There’s a good corps of recievers, tight ends, and running backs on the roster. The addition of Jason Taylor to the defensive line is an interesting move, but one that should really help against their rivals’ QBs. Jason Campbell is back in charge of the offense, and has been sharp the past few seasons.

Weaknesses: I hate to bring this up, but the Jason Taylor factor isn’t in play this year, which means that the Redskins don’t have that extra something to play for, and also, their defensive backs are very beatable overall. Their recievers and backs are very talented, but very inconsistent, and they’re sure to lay an egg or two throughout the season.

Prediction: 6-10, 4th Place This seems to be the team that has the furthest to fall in the NFC. They were clearly playing with drive and purpose last year after the tragic death of teamate Sean Taylor, but there’s just not enough here to compete in a division as tough as the NFC East this year.

Philadelphia Eagles
Last Season’s Record: 8-8, 4th Place

Strengths: When he was on last year, Donovan McNabb was fantastic. The Eagles may just have the most talented defensive backfield in the NFL. Bryan Westbrook is one of the best recievers out of the running back position in history. Andy Reid seems to be motivated coming into the season once again, now that the issues with his son have been resolved.

Weaknesses: Just about every player on this team is more fragile than a Ming Vase in an earthquake. You pretty much have to assume that 1/3 of the defense, McNabb, and Westbrook will not make it through a whole season, which throws everything out of whack. Lito Shepard is still riding the bench as of this writing, which might be distracting in the locker room.

Prediction: 8-8, 3rd Place The Eagles have clearly stalled out, and it might be time to pack it in and start rebuilding. Clearly, they have the talent, especially on defense, to be competitive, but when you look over a roster and see almost half of the players listed as potential injury threats, it raises some red flags. They might be able to push past the Giants into second place, but I don’t trust that they’ll be healthy enough to make that move.

If you haven’t seen Dark Knight yet, you owe it to yourself to head down to your local theatre right now and check it out right now. Even if you don’t care that it’s Heath Ledger’s last performance, or one of Aaron Eckhart’s best. It’s still worth seeing.

Here’s the trailer if you’ve been living under a rock or something. Seriously though, between this, Indy, and Iron Man it’s been one of the best summers for movies in a long time.

1. It’s the One Year Anniversary! The Hock Show PodCast has been rocketing through the Internet for a full year now, and Dan and I couldn’t be happier. Join us this week on Talkshoe to celebrate. Seek thee out the RC Collins Podcasting Network for more Hock Show action.

2. The NFL Has Hired “Experts” to Watch 2008 Games and Determine Whether or Not Players Are Flashing Gang Signs. You know what? I’m pretty sure I saw Tom Brady flashing some gang signs in the Playoffs, and that has to be what pissed off Eli Manning and his homies enough that they were able to beat the Patriots.

3. The All Star Game and Home Run Derby Were Pretty Awesome. A 30 hour long All Star Game? 28 Home Runs in one round by a former coke head turned saint? Justin Morneau as the hero of both nights? Fantastic. Rick O’Reilly, Joe Buck, and Tim McCarver on commentary? Yeah…Not everything was so great.

4. Ubisoft Releases DVD Crack as Patch. So, Rainbow Six: Vegas 2 was released on PC, and they had a massive ammount of complaints about the DVD-ROM not loading the game’s content. So, UbiSoft released a patch that allowed users to run the program off the hard drive. Great, right? Except for one little problem…The “patch” Ubisoft released was actually stolen, line of code by line of code, from a DVD Crack that hackers had released over BitTorrent earlier this month. Oops!

5. Go Daddy Offers .me Domains, and Everybody Buys…The Same One. Internet Domain Registrar began offering the .me extension this week, and business was awfully brisk. In fact, a little too brisk. Apparently, the site’s registration system wasn’t updating fast enough, and almost a hundred people have legal receipts showing ownership of the “Aweso.me” domain name. Go Daddy’s response so far has been, “Uh…Well…Hmm….”