Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World.

1. McCain Does Something A Little Different. In selecting Sarah Pallin as his vice presidential candidate, John McCain made a bold statement. What, exactly, that bold statement was, I have no idea. Something to do with women voters, or something probably, but this feels more like pandering than anything serious. As the Governer of Alaska, Pallin hasn’t really done anything, she’s got less experience politcally than Obama, and…well…Alaska only gets a couple Electoral votes. So, I applaud the move, but I just don’t get it.

2. Digg’s Going to Start “Craigslisting” It. Early next year, Digg is planning on expanding its newsposting service to incorporate more local/regional stories. Users will be able to submit news stories as usual, but the aggregator will assign them to a particular region as well as to the main site. This is actually…kind of a cool idea. You win this round, Rose.

3. Giving Up on Bitching About “Free Downloads,” Musicians Start Bitching About Singles Downloads. Several artists including Kid Rock, AC/DC, and Jay-Z are saying that iTunes’ practice of allowing people to buy single tracks off an album is killing their album sales and destroying the artistic merit of the full album, likening it to Amazon only allowing people to buy only a single chapter from a book. Ok! You can all go back to not caring about Kid Rock, AC/DC and Jay-Z again.

4. Get Ready for Facebook: The Movie. Awwwww, yeah! Alan Sorkin, the creative mind behind Sports Night and The West Wing, is creating a movie based on…uh…Facebook. Get ready for hot status updates, a bunch of confusing apps cluttering up the screen, and stars “Pretend Lesbian” and “That Guy You Never Talked to in High School but Suddenly Wants to Be Your Best Friend.”

5. Little Leaguer Banned for Being Good at Baseball. Jericho Scott, a little league pitcher in New Haven, CT has been banned from his league because other parent’s were complaining that their children couldn’t hit Scott’s 40 mph fastball. Ah yes, nothing says “America!” quite like protecting our kids from the fact that sometimes, they kind of suck at things. Hell, in my day, I sucked at all kinds of things. And look how I turned out! Egh…Ban that kid and teach everybody that they’re the biggest badasses in the world.

Last Week: Zombie John Cena fell apart after taking on some Tough Guys. Mike Adamle became a McMahon when he announced some stupid match that was totally stupid. And Chris Jericho totally beat up CM Punk which is great, because he’s not even in the Unforgiven title match. Maybe he’ll be in one…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

James Blake vs. Donald Young

Oh, this is your typical young vs. old match-up here. It’s hard thinking of James Blake as a grizzled veteran, especially since he’s never won any major titles, but here he is. The referee for this contest is WTA US Open Referee Jorg-

Wait…What channel is RAW on again? Sci-Fi?! UGH!

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. CM Punk

So we’re just going to keep running this one until they have a good match, right? Since JBL is involved, I think that’s a really, really fantastic strategy. This isn’t a title match, because giving Punk a win in a title match is silly, especially when he’s going to lose the title, like, eighteen times at Unforgiven. Did I just give away the results of two different matches? Oh, it’s not like you care. Join me next week when I give away an entire TNA PPV where you and I won’t recognize 90% of the people on the card.

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They’re still fighting. It’s like this is a wrestling show or something. You know what’s really sad? I know JBL loses this match, but I really want him to win every match he’s in because I just can’t wait to hear his music again. Moooooo! Shut up. It’s been a long week. JBL hits the Clothesline from Hell, but Punk gets to the ropes before the pinfall. Bradshaw bitches about how he’s wrestling on a bad back and does not deserve to be treated like this, but Punk sneaks in behind him and gets the GTS for the win. Poor Bradshaw, he’ll never get to hear that damn cow moo.

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Here’s Mike Adamle, and he‘s still got the RAW theme song as his music. I want to be the fly on the wall in Jim Johnston’s composition room right now.

Jim Johnston: So, we need a theme for this guy? And his gimmick is that he’s an idiot? He actually is an idiot? Can’t we just give him Eugene’s theme? What do you mean no? Aw, screw it. Just have him come out to the RAW theme, would you?

Anyway, say something, Mike!

Mike Adamle: Apparently, when Joe Cessna wrestled David “The Tista” Davidman, he broke his necks. All of his necks. And when you’re a Zombie, that’s not good. So we’ve sent him to a Voodoo Witchdoctor to piece his mind and soul back together. So that should be fun. We’ll do a viginette about it for WWE.com.

Meanwhile, on WWE.com….

Zombie John Cena: Oh! My necks!

WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogieman: I’m WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogieman, and I’m coming to PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER!

Cena: That’s great. I hope I’m back in time to win the Royal Rumble again!

Papa Shango: Man…This economy. Who would’ve thought that Voodoo Doctory would be more profitable than pimping hoes nation wide?

Cena: Thankfully, this economy is good for BRAAAAAAAAAIIIINS!

Shango: Now stand still, I’m going to shake this steaming stick at you until you’re not a zombie any more.

Dr. The Boogieman: And hopefully, that’ll fix your necks. All of them.

Cena: THE NECKS ARE HERE!

Back on RAW….

Adamle: So, yeah, Mr. Cessna isn’t going to be around for UFC Unforgettable Pay Per View Name. I guess we’ll have to add to the Championship Scramble. I’m going to go ahead and suggest Baco-Bits and onions.

Backstage….

Kane: Man, this show is getting lamer by the minute. Rey Misterio should be happy that I killed him. Otherwise he’d have to do some crappy storyline with me, and then he’d be learning English from The Genius and Dean Douglas or something. If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll stay away long enough that everybody forgets I had anything to do with him.

Elsewhere….

Mike Adamle: Man, I really love going out to the ring with my very own entrance music. Now, there’s something that I was supposed to do last week. What the hell was it….

Primo Colon: Was it introduce me, perhaps?

Adamle: Prime Colon? Uh…Sure? Welcome to the UFC! Are you ready for UFC Unforgettable Pay Per View Name?

Primo: I don’t know. I’m probably not even going to be on the show, so…Am I even supposed to show up?

Adamle: I don’t even know if I’m supposed to show up. So, you’re the brother of Torpedo Caribe Bean Clue Colon, right? Should we poof up your hair, put you in an ethnically unsettling talk show, and have you spitting apples at people?

Primo: God no. What in the hell is your problem? You know, Carlito told me you guys were all a bunch of assholes, but I didn’t believe him because he’s kind of an idiot, but he’s absolutely right! How did you get charge of this show?

Adamle: I sucked so much at being an announcer that they made me head of my own show!

Primo: I…hate you.

Shawn Michaels: What’s going on, guys? Who hates who? Who the hell are you?

Primo: I’m Primo Colon! Carlito’s brother!

Shawn: Ugh. There are two of you? Whatever. Adamle! Where’s Chris Jericho?

Adamle: He hasn’t bothered to show up yet. I guess that’s one of the benefits of being a wrestler. You can show up whenever the hell you’d like.

Shawn: Heh. Yeah. Hey, can you tell him I’m looking for him? I want to give him this fruit basket for puffing up my wife’s lips. It’s been great.

Adamle: Yeah! Whyskyrs is hot!

Shawn: Ok, you say that again and I’ll kick you in the eye.

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Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella)

Kenji Fukui: Ugh…women’s wrestling? What else do we have to talk about?

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I could talk about my date with your mom last night.

Fukui: Would you stop it?

Hatori: Do you know what a French Tickler is?

Fukui: Wasn’t that Rene Dupree’s little dance?

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: You guys knock it off. This show is supposed to be kid friendly now! You can tell by the two half naked women groping each other in the ring right now.

Fukui: Well, one of them is an Ace Attorney.

Hatori: And the other one is a stripper! This is like a metaphor for America.

Fukui: I really miss the cooking on this show.

Hatori: You want the women to start cooking? You sexist pig!

Fukui: That’s not what I meant-

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Santino accidentally distracted Beth which allowed Kelly to get the win. I guess strippers really do beat out career women, eh sexist pig?

Fukui: That’s not what I mean!

Hatori: Whatever you say, man, whatever you say.

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Bret Hart and Mr. Perfect were totally awesome. Which is why WWE would like to remind you that the only way you’ll ever see totally awesome wrestling again is by ordering WWE 24/7.

Charlito Caribbean Cool vs. Primo Colon

Ok, so you’re going to run a gimmick where Primo gets to embarrass the hell out of his whiny ass older brother. Who are you going to get to play Carlito? How about Charlie Haas? Hell yeah! You can tell Charlie’s just happy to be out there tonight, even if it is just to bite an apple and wear a fro. Actually, that sounds like a hell of a job. Where do I sign up? Do I have to…put together a resume or something? Because pretty much all I’ve got is “Made fun of Triple H 2001-Present on there. Hillariously, Charlie attempts all of Carlito’s signature…uh…move on Primo, just because, but Primo reverses the Back Stabber into a flying body press for the win. What is he? Young Randy Orton?

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is wandering around eating sandwiches. I don’t think you really understand the word “Retired,” Shawn.

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Shawn Michaels has pranced his way to the ring now, and he’s still eating a sandwich.

Shawn Michaels: Never turn down a catered lunch. It’s the only thing Jose Lothario taught me that I actually remembered. So, look, I’ve been carrying this fruit basket around with me all night, waiting for Chris Jericho to show up so I could thank him for the free elective surgery he provided to my wife. But he still hasn’t shown up, and this show is half over now, so I’m starting to get a little ticked off. So, it’d be really cool if Chris Jericho could come down here now and take this. I think the pineapple wedges are starting to dry up, and nobody likes a dried up pineapple wedge.

Well! Chris Jericho finally showed up! On the Titan Tron?!

Chris Jericho: Shawn! Sorry! I couldn’t be there tonight because VH1 called me in for an emergency commentary on “The Best Song that Was Released Ten Minutes Ago.” I guess Michael Ian Black had a head cold or something. I really appreciate the fruit basket though. I wish I could be there to enjoy it with you.

Shawn: Oh, man! That sucks. I really wanted to give you this. Well, thanks, Chris. We’re really happy with the size of my wife’s enormous lips now.

Jericho: It’s a miracle of modern science, Shawn. I am but a vassal for science to do its work.

Shawn: Well, this fruit basket is a waste. I’ll give it to Deuce or something. Do you have any plans for Unforgiven?

Jericho: Nah, I was just going to sleep in that day. Maybe touch up my poofy hair. Nothing says wrestling is serious business like poofy hair, you know?

Shawn: Great! Olive Garden is doing their Taste of Italy deal where you get all kinds of pasta and breadsticks on the cheap. Let’s go have an unsanctioned dinner to celebrate our new friendship.

Jericho: Shawn Michaels, I like the cut of your jib.

Shawn: Likewise, Mr. Jericho. Likewise.

It’s really nice to see two wrestlers getting along like this!

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“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Jerry “” Lawler vs. The Tough Guys

For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

I keep thinking, as I’m watching this match, that this is about the 500th time they’ve done it, but I actually think it’s still the first. I wonder if Hardcore Holly is sitting at home thinking, “That could be me in there with Jim Duggan right now!” Probably not. He’s probably at home thinking, “Why the hell is Kim Kardasian on Dancing with the Stars this year?” I secretly want Bob Holly to be on Dancing with the Stars. The announcers talk about Duggan’s “Linebacker-like” physique. That’s an awesome comparison. Actually…I bet that’s not that far off with Tedy Bruschi. DiBiase finally busts out the Million Dollar Dream, but then hits a Side Russian Legsweep for the win.

Cody Rhodes: So yeah. We won again. But last week, Cryme Tyme stole our belts. I guess that means it’s high time we feud with the only other tag team on RAW.

Hey! Look! Up in the luxury box! It’s Cryme Tyme!

Shad Gaspard: Yeah, we’ve still got your belts. And let’s face it, our best chance to make it onto the Unforgiven card is to fight each other. In fact, the way things are working out on this show, we’re going to be fighting each other for the next ten years while they figure out who to pair Deuce with that isn’t Jimmy Snuka. So what do you say?

JTG: Have you tried these little cheeses? These are delcious!

Ted DiBiase: Those little cheeses are, like, $50! You two can’t afford that!

Shad: We can once we win this Raven lawsuit! Then we’ll get some money, money! Yeah, yeah! Some money, money! Yeah, yeah!

Cody: I wish I could sue everybody like Raven!

No wonder Alexis disappeared!

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Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with The Tista.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Batista. Dave, I’ve got to ask you, what do you think of my announcing so far on ECW?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I do not watch ECW!

Grisham: Sigh…everybody says that. Even my mom! My mom refuses to watch ECW.

Batista: Matt Hardy main events that SHOW!

Grisham: Shut up! You shut up! ECW is a perfectly good show! We’re here on the Sci-Fi Network tonight! Tonight, you’re no better than me!

Batista: I am SORRY! Sorry your show SUCK!

Grisham: AAAAAAAAH!

Todd Grisham whips out a portable teleported and beams himself into space where him implodes. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Batista: Teleportation is not yet POSSIBLE!

Kofi Kingston vs. Santino Marella

For the WWE Intercontinental Title

SOS! Kofi is Shelton! Kofi does the Thunder Clap to start. That’s his move! Seriously, though. Send that guy to Jamaica to learn another move. Did you know there’s a Wikipedia entry for “Thunder Clap.” I’m…baffled by this. Sadly, it does not mention Kofi Kingston. Which is kind of funny, because I think he’s probably done more for the Thunder Clap than Lil’ Jon. Beth Phoenix comes out and distracts Kofi so Santino gets the win. Afterwards, she and Santino make out for a while, because their love is eternal.

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OH MY GOD! IT’S TIME FOR WWE LIVE A THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION!

Josh Matthews: Woah. So…apparently we’re trying hard to seem politically relevant. Hard enough to raise the dead. I died you know. It was on WWE.com.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Yeah, I died too.

Josh: No you didn’t! You’re just as fragile as a porcelain doll. They keep you in bubble wrap now until they need you for some crappy segment like this.

Boobsie: In the event of a crash, my boobs serve as a flotation device!

Josh: Ugh…I need a drink.

Bill Clinton: Well hey there, Joshy! I haven’t seen you in a while. You’re still a little hottie, aren’t you.

Tough Enough Jessie: Even bald he looks hotter than me! WAAAAAAAH!

Clinton: How about you three come with me back to the Willie Wagon? I need something to entertain me while H-Rod cries herself to sleep.

Shelton Benjamin: Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late. I guess I didn’t even realize that I was allowed on camera again. Hey! Wait a second! Did you all just send me here because I’m black? What the hell!

Kal Penn: Hey, man. Don’t knock being the token ethnic minority. You’ll ruin it for the rest of us.

Lando Calrissian: He’s right, Shelton. Being the only minority on a show can be a great benefit. Now, who wants a smooth, relaxing Colt 45? I need to go find where to turn in my papers to run for District Attorney of Gotham City.

Do you suppose they’ll have Kane live at the Libertarian National Conference? Politics could use a little more Kane. Here’s Mike Adamle again! Hopefully he’ll tell us!

Mike Adamle: There is nothing WWE is more qualified to comment on than politics. Snack on Your Vote, America! Now, with John Cena suffering with multiple broken necks, I had to pull him out of the Championship Scramble. Apparently, we couldn’t get clearance to use Baco-Bits, so we’re going to throw the corpse of Rey Misterio out there. Hey, who the hell knows, right? Chances are he walks out of UFC Unforgettable Pay-Per-View Name as the champion. He’s the only worse choice than CM Punk after all.

Backstage, The Tista is eating a fruit basket.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: This pineapple wedge is DRY!

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Kane

Surprisingly, we’ve made it through the night without a run-in by ALF or a wrestler dressed as Mansquito. I guess Charlie Haas dressed as Carlito was close enough. So, the story of this match is that Batista is mad a Kane for beating up Rey Misterio and keeping him in a bag for a month, and Kane is mad at Batista for having even worse hair than him. This is a surprisingly solid and sensible feud. I’m surprised they haven’t added the element of a woman caught between them or spilled coffee to it yet. If they do add a sexy lady to this, might I suggest the returning WWE Diva Josh Matthews?

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When we come back, Batista is wearing cardboard armor and fighting a dragon, and Kane is trying to kill kids at a summer camp. Sadly, this is more money than has ever been spent on a Sci-Fi original movie. Woah! What if they did an Adamle Original Sci-Fi Original Movie? Ratings Gold! That’s what they should call it.

Ratings Gold

The story of a plucky young Dragon Warrior who travels to the future to stop an ancient demon from drilling a hole to earth’s core which will destabilize the western hemisphere and unleash a deadly race of giant octapi on an unsuspecting city.

Starring:

Justin Long as Garrett Stevens

Danica McKeller as Lt. Susi Pewterbottom

Julie Gonzalo as Piper

Chris Jericho as Major Payne

And Featuring

Bruce Campbell as the Mansquito

It’s Jericho’s best acting role to date! Sadly, all that happens is that Kane beats Dave on the knee with a chair, draws the DQ, and then runs off while the ring is invaded by large men in Sailor Moon dresses throwing pocky at the crowd. That’s right! How dare you interrupt AniMonday!

I mean…wait. What?

Next Week: Shawn Michaels attempts to connect with Chris Jericho by bringing him a nice $50 cheese tray. CM Punk totally gets, like, the third match on the card. Moving on up! Plus, Mike Adamle finally realizes that there’s nobody on the RAW Roster named Primo Colon, and as such, fires Charlie Haas.

Places of Interest

Aerie Peak
Raventusk Village
Quel’Danil Lodge
Seredane

The Hinterlands is an interesting zone. For a place without an instance, there is a lot to do for characters of every level over fourty. There are tons of every type of mats to gather, a world boss dragon in Seradene, and several quests on both sides for leveling 40-50.

This is another zone with towns of both factions, which means that PvPers should beware, especially with the large level gaps that sometimes arise in this zone. Additionally, getting your Horde character to the town of Raventusk is a bit dicey, because if you take the road out of Hillsbrad, you’ll have to pass the Alliance village of Aerie Peak, as well as pass by several enemies that are much higher level than you.

Mining: Gold, Iron, Mithril, Truesilver, Thorium. You won’t find much Thorium here, but there’s a good alotment of Mithril throughout the zone, which makes it a good swingthrough if you’re doing a Mithril run. There are a lot of rocky and mountainous areas throughout the whole zone, so you’re sure to find at least a few nodes of whatever you’d like.

Herbalism: Liferoot, Goldthorn, Khadgar’s Whisker, Fadeleaf, Purple Lotus, Wildvine, Golden Sansam, Sungrass, Ghost Mushroom This might be the best upper-mid level herb gathering zone in the game. There is a ton of Purple Lotus, a good cache of Ghost Mushrooms in Skulk Rock cave, and in addition to getting Wildvine from gathering herbs, you’ll also get quite a bit in enemy drops. Excellent herb gathering here.

Cloth: Silk, Mageweave You can get quite a few stacks of Mageweave clearing out the troll encampments in the area (of which there are several). It might be a little tougher if you’re just running through the zone questing, but a high level main can gather several stacks within a few hours easily.

Leather: Medium Leather, Heavy Leather, Turtle Scale, Wolfhide Tons of mobs here, including turtles along the coast and a lot of wolves throughout the middle of the zone. You’ll probably get sick of fighting the same enemies over and over again, but you can’t beat the sheer numbers of opportunites in the Hinterlands.

The actual number of quests is good, but not great, but the Hinterlands is a fantastic little nook for material gatherers from both factions. A higher level character (60+), will be able to make a run in this area and get a few stacks of just about any mid-tier materials they’d like, which is great for auction house selling or quick profession leveling. There’s so much there, that I’d suggest that any character 40 or over spend at least a few hours getting to know the Hinterlands.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Season’s Record: 10-6, 1st Place

Strengths: Ben Roethlesburger looked more like the Big Ben that won the Super Bowl last year than the Ben that basically exploded two years ago. Willie Parker is back at full strength, and the addition of Rashard Mendenhall will do wonders for their backfield. The Steeler’s defense is changed a bit, but still looks pretty leathal. I like Mike Tomlin as a player’s head coach.

Weaknesses: One always has to wonder how many carries Willie Parker will have before getting hurt, and Mendenhall has had a shaky preseason. The Steeler’s offensive line has had a few downgrades this year, and this is a line that gives up a lot of sacks anyway. If they keep it up, Ben will spend a lot more time looking at the lights than his receivers this season.

Prediction: 9-7, 2nd Place Pittsburgh is a team spinning its wheels, and that’s not good. There’s a lot of talent in the starting quarterback, running back, and receivers, but there’s zero depth at those positions, even with Mewelde Moore and Rashard Mendenhall in the backfield now. The offensive line is too iffy to provide a big push, and I don’t really like the look of the defense either. Will they pull through like they did last year? It remains to be seen.

Cleveland Browns
Last Season’s Record: 10-6, 2nd Place

Strengths: They were the suprise of the AFC last season, and even though they finished out of the playoffs, there was a lot to like about the Browns. Derek Anderson played like a Pro Bowler, Jamal Lewis regained his running legs, and Joe Thomas, Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards played like the players the Browns thought they’d been drafting the past few years.

Weaknesses: I just don’t believe in Romeo Crennel as an NFL head coach. I don’t think he’s got the trust of hsi team or the kind of gameplan that will win a championship. The Browns are paying a lot of money for Brady Quinn to sit on the bench, and that tension will boil over sooner or later. The Browns defense was terrible at times last year.

Prediction: 10-6, 1st Place Potential-wise, there’s more there than there is in Pittsburgh. I like Derek Anderson and his recievers, and I think Braylon Edwards is in for a big season. Whether or not Jamal Lewis can still run or if the defense can hold opponents below 20 points are big question marks heading into the season, but I think they’re in for a good run.

Cincinatti Bengals
Last Season’s Record: 7-9, 3rd Place

Strengths: The Bengals Offense is still amongst the NFL’s best. Chad Johnson, TJ Houshmandzadeh, and Rudi Johnson provide a slew of weapons for Carson Palmer, as will Chris Henry (assuming he can stay out of trouble) and the underrated Ben Utecht. Keith Rivers adds some much needed depth to a thin linebacking corps.

Weaknesses: There are a lot of huge question marks here on defense. The Bengals had one of the best offenses last season, but their defense was horrible. Unless they get better in a hurry, they’re in trouble, and it doesn’t help that they lost their best defensive back, Maddieu Williams, in free agency. The offense will hinge a lot on whether or not their starters can say healthy and out of trouble.

Prediction: 8–8, 3rd Place I like the Bengals, but it’s more of the same from last year. Assuming they can get healthy, their offense looks to be an elite unit capable of a playoff run. Their defense on the other hand? Looks like most team’s second units. Keith Rivers will help late in the season, I think, but by then it’ll be far too late.

Baltimore Raven
Last Season’s Record: 5-11, 4th Place

Strengths: The Ravens defense has looked predictably solid during preseason, and you can tell that Ray Lewis and his bunch still pride themselves on shutting down opponents. Willis McGahee looked good behind the Raven’s line last year, and they should have yet another productive rushing attack this season.

Weaknesses: New coach John Harbaugh doesn’t have much to work with on offense. Other than McGahee, the cupboard is awfully bare. Troy Smith and Kyle Boller aren’t really your best options at quarterback, and Joe Flacco is not ready to start. Not that it matters, because the Ravens still don’t have a wide receiver to throw to. The dominating defense is aging rather rapidly.

Prediction: 3-13, 4th Place A few years removed from being a perenial playoff unit, the Ravens are rebuilding all over again. Their defense will keep them in a lot of games, but they don’t have the tools on offense to compete in the NFL. They’re staring down a well of mediocrity, and they’re going to be down there for a while.

Ugh…Now that the Olympics are over, and the new seasons of my favorite TV shows won’t start until the middle of next month, what the hell am I supposed to watch on TV?! I mean, I suppose I could watch reruns of shows, but that doesn’t sound like something I’d do. I guess I’ll have to hold out until tomorrow when Heroes Season Two comes out on DVD>

In any event, I was going to post something on here about the Olympics, but I couldn’t really find any YouTube Olympics clips that I actually liked, especially since I’ve gone back to not caring about gymnastics, swimming, fencing, and whatnot for another four years.

In any event, here’s The Onion discussing the Chinese Government’s plan to capture all Olympic athletes and kill them with terracota warriors.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Obama Picks Bidden. With about a billion double crosses, triple crosses, and a 3 a.m. text message (Ha!), Barak Obama chose Senator Joe Bidden as his running mate. Bidden’s an old Washington guy, who’s good friends with John McCain. How will that effect the Presidential race? Hell if I know. What do I look like, a political blogger? Speaking of which….

2. John McCain Has No Idea How Many Houses He Owns. So, somebody asked McCain how many houses and cars he owned, and McCain asked the reporter to call his aides because he wasn’t sure. That was pretty cool. I don’t know how many houses I own either. Do you count that bungalo in the Caymans? What about a grass hut on Easter Island? Damn, I think I left my toaster plugged in there.

3. DC Releaunching Entire Movies Division. After kind of being Marvel’s bitch the last few years, DC is relaunching its entire movies department. They’re revamping the Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and (egh) Wonder Twins scripts and completely reworking the SuperMan series (again). Will any of the movies do nearly as well as Dark Knight, now? No. Probably not.

4. Congratulations! You Have Won a Free Apple iPhone! Freed-Hardeman College, a small school in Tennessee is launching a program this year that will give free iPhones to every student in the freshman class. It’s up to the students if they want to activate the phone features (as a former college student: At $100/month? NO), but all students will have access to the University-wide wireless on the device. I suddenly want to major in…whatever Freed-Hardeman offers.

5. Diebold Says Anti-Virus Software on Voting Machines, Might “Lose Votes” in Ohio Elections. So, yeah, if you live in Ohio…Shhhhh. Actually, you know what? I’d just vote absintee, if I were you. Unless you don’t care who you vote for. Yeah, I just want to get one of them swank “I Voted” stickers too. What? Fix it before the election you say? Diebold says, “No.” HA!

Last Night: Chris Jericho one-upped Steve Austin by beating up someone else’s wife. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” beat the crap out of Zombie John Cena. And CM Punk might’ve had a match. I dunno. I missed part of the show waiting for the pizza. Will I be waiting for the pizza again…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

To be honest? Probably not. But here’s Chris Jericho with a mic. Not quite as satisfying as a pizza, Chris.

Chris Jericho: I didn’t come out here to satisfy or excite you tonight, Chicago. I came out here to learn you a lesson in how to feud with a guy, and then throw it to a video package so that I can go poof my hair. You all know by now, unless you’ve been watching the Olympics, of course, that wrestling is now serious business. You know that because I’m wearing a suit and underwear instead of a shiny shirt and tight pants. I should probably change my music, though. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah! Shawn Michaels! Hey, man, You should have known better than to make a big spectacle out of your retirement. Look what happened to Ric Flair! He got fired! So, more or less, Whyspyr got knocked out because you’re such a prima donna jackass. Now, here’s a video package of kittens playing with a ball of yarn.

Aww! So cute!

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Paul Burchill

Paul is sans Katie Lea tonight, which is a shame. What the hell happened to Dave’s head?! He’s missing…entire sections of hair. Maybe they were trying to shave some sort of epic scene up there and just lost interest or something. I can’t believe I’m watching this instead of women’s gymnastics or whatever. Why isn’t Pro Wrestling an Olympic Event? Jericho even said, it’s serious business now! Whatever. If WWE hired Bella Karoli to do color, RAW would become the best show in the history of television. Either that or he could manage Santino! Nobody tell TNA about this! What? Oh, the match! Yeah. Batista won back when I went off on that tangent about his hair.

Backstage….

Mike Adamle: Well, we finally seem to have gotten rid of Ted Gruesome, so I guess I, as the District Manager here on Monday Nitro will have to do all the backstage interviews as well. At least until we hire another girl who could do it!

Tough Enough Jessie: Does that mean I’m fired again?! WAAAAAAAH!

Adamle: Yeah. Roster cuts are a bitch, whoever you are! Anyway, it’s my pleasure to introduce you to the newest member of the RAW roster, Caramello’s brother Pickled Colon! Ok, that’s it. I’m off to find somebody more interesting.

Primo Colon: Damn, Carlito was right about this place.

Adamle: Josh Cedar! You’re more interesting than that guy back there! What do you have to say for yourself?

Zombie John Cena: Braaaaaains!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Your bites have ruined my HAIR!

Cena: Dave, the better man won last night. Psyche! HAHAHAHAHA!

Batista: You are a classy DUDE!

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Jillian Hall & Katie Lea Burchill vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly and Alexis Laree

Jillian Hall sings “Another Rainy Day in New York City” as an ode to the fact that RAW is in Chicago this week. Ah, so that’s why the crowd is so hyper this week. Must suck to have nothing else to cheer for, eh, Chicago fans? Well…I mean, I guess you can all be happy that Randy’s cousin Kyle is starting for the Bears this year! Kelly and Alexis nail the world’s most hilarious double drop kick (to the shins of Katie Lea!), and then Alexis hits a DDT for the win. Well…I guess I could come up with worse matches than this, so I won’t complain.

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John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Jamie Noble

Sometimes, when it’s dark and cold at night, I wonder what ever happened to Evan Kourageous, if only because Noble & Kourageous was the best tag team name ever. EVER! Where’s Layla El? Don’t tell me they broke up again! Aw! Poor Jamie. Speaking of Poor Jamie, he’s currently in the middle of getting his ass pretty thoroughly kicked by JBL. Bradshaw hits all of his signature moves. All…two of them. It’s the Fallaway Slam and then the Clothesline from Hell. Then he hits them again because we’ve got time to kill. JBL goes for the pin, but WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance stops the match and awards the victory to JBL anyway. Well…Ok, then!

Coming up next, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-McMahon-Levesque and Shane McMahon! I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS!

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Hey! It’s the Chicago Cubs! Where’s Fukudome? Hehehehe…Fukudome!

Mike Adamle’s theme music is “To Be Loved’ by Papa Roach, which is also the RAW theme, so…Now you know. That’s also really lame. Can’t they rip off the Gladiators theme for him?

Mike Adamle So, yeah. Apparently, I’m Shawn and Stephan McManus tonight. Sorry! Hahahaha! Actually I’m not even all that sorry. Those people don’t want to be in Chicago. But me? I live in Chicago! I love Chicago! And so that’s why I’m here. To announce a match that will not be happening in Chicago! You see, because at UFC Monday Nitro Presents UFC Unforgettable Pay Per View Name, we’re going to have a match pitting UFC World Champion CP Monk against Joe Breadshaw Wheatfield, The Big Red Machete Crane, “David” The Tista “Davidman,” and Zambian Josh Cedar! It’ll be twenty minutes long and anybody who gets a pinfall gets a title run! It’s like the days of the old UFC Hardcode Title! How far can we jack up people’s title counts in one twenty minute match?! Find out at UFC Unforgettable Pay Per View name! Only on DVD, two months after the PPV! I will say this, watch out Natural Guy Rick Flour! Now, here’s some other guys!

The Tough Guys vs. Zombie John Cena

In a Handicap Match (Guess Who Has the Handicap!)

And now, ladies (ladies? No?) and gentlemen, I present you WWE Ring Announcer Lillian Garcia!

Lillian Garica: Introducing first, the WWE World Tag Team Champions, Cody Rhodes and…uh…Wait…We’re not at the part of the video where it says his name yet. Ted DiBiase? Isn’t he old? Whatever. We’ll just go with it. Ted DiBiase!

Should’ve just said “The Tough Guys,” Lillian. Anyway, before we can even get started, Cryme Tyme runs out and steals the belts! Oh, Cryme Tyme! You devilish cads! What won’t you do to get yourself on TV? Anyway, now that that’s done, it’s time for a little APPLE DOUGH!

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I have to admit, the Apple Dough is quite a bit more satisfying than a Chris Jericho interview. But not as satisfying as a pizza. What is it with me and food lately? I’m sorry. The Tough Guys are beating up Cena outside the ring. That’s what you get for being a Zombie! And friends with a criminal. Things are looking good for the champions, a little too good, so Cena throws Rhodes out of the ring and locks DiBiasi in the STFU for the win. THE CHAMP IS HERE!!! Seriously, though. I love watching these two get beat up. A lot.

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In case you’re wondering, Harley Race is in the crowd, trying to look like he’s still paying attention.

Here’s a clip from after SummerSlam last night!

Michael Cole: Hey, so I’m here with Shawn Michaels and his wife Whyspyr Michaels, and I guess despite your wife’s badly fractured jaw from one punch from ol’ noodle arms Chris Jericho, you stayed through the whole show, huh?

Shawn Michaels: Uh…yeah. I wanted to watch Undertaker through Edge through stuff. The whole hospital thing can wait.

Cole: Oh. So…Are you mad at Chris Jericho for punching your wife in the lip?

Michaels: Are you kidding me? An excuse to Kurt Angle my wife onto TV? Plus! I don’t have to pay for Botox this month now! If anything, I owe Chris Jericho a Coke.

Cole: Pepsi. Coke isn’t a sponsor anymore.

Michaels: Screw you and CM Punk. Somebody get me some Coke.

Whyspyr: Shawn….

Michaels: Aw, geez. That came out wrong, didn’t it?

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Think you can get rid of me so easily Adamle? I think not! Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with-

Primo Colon: Finally! I’m really ex-

Grisham: CM Punk.

Colon: Damn it!

Grisham: And I’m contractually obligated to ask you, Punk, what do you think about the start of a beautiful feud tonight against Chris Jericho?

CM Punk: Get with the program, Todd, Jericho’s not even in that Five Man Title Grab at Unforgiven! So instead, right here in my hometown of Chicago, I’m going to take advantage of the fact that Chris Jericho might actually be lower on the card than I am, and squash him deader than The Highlanders.

Grisham: Oh you, idiot. You know why I hate this show? Because we do this crap all the time. Way to take the one match I wanted to see and ruin it! Matt Stiker would understand! I should’ve stayed off this show!

Punk: Yeah, probably. Especially since you don’t have your glasses anymore.

Grisham: You’re a real ass, Punk! You know what I think of you and your stupid straight edge life style?

Punk: That it’s an honorable and clean way of living that your respect and admire?

Grisham: No! THIS!

Todd Grisham reaches for a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, but ends up grabbing a bottle of cyanide instead. A few shots later, Todd Grisham has fallen.

Now, Beth Phoenix and Santino Marella are on the way to the ring. Did I mention that they won the Women’s and Intercontinental Titles (respectively) last night? I didn’t? Well…They did.

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Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix) vs. D’Lo Brown

Kenji Fukui: Well, this match certainly isn’t for the Intercontinental Championship. But joining us for commentary on this match is the former champion himself, Kofi Kingston.

Kofi Kingston: Yah, man! Righteous!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I had some Coffee Kingston one time. Not bad.

Kofi: Yah, man! I’m named after something on the Starbucks menu!

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Actually, I wanted to talk to Kofi.

Kofi: Right right, go ahead, man!

Ohta: Can you teach me some moves for my Jamaican dance club? All I’ve got so far is the Thunder Clap.

Kofi: A little penicillin will clear that right up, man!

Hatori: I got the Thunder Clap from my threesome with Kofi and Fukui’s moms. It was totally worth it though.

Fukui: Would you stop?

Kofi: What are you a doctor of anyway?!

Hatori: Bad, fake accents.

Kofi: Oooooh.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Beth Phoenix just yelled, “HOLD IT!” and stopped D’Lo from doing the Low Down, saving Santino, but giving D’Lo the DQ win! So the match is over. Everybody shut up.

Hatori: Awesome. I’m going to go backstage and get myself a Coffee Kingston.

Kofi: I am Shelton!

Backstage, Kane is sipping a Coffee Kingston, but accidentally spills it on himself. Will he never learn?!

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Hey, remember when WWE used to just trot Stacy and Torrie out in bikinis every week and call that “using the Divas?” Well, WWE 24/7 does! This, by the way, is totally kid friendly.

And heeeeeeeeere’s Kane! Woah, his music is all organ-y again. Wait…is this his WWF War Zone theme? Faaaantastic!

Kane: Try playing that one on violin, bitches. Anyway, so you’re probably wondering a lot of stuff about this whole Rey Misterio deal. I know Freddie Prinze Jr. still is. I mean, after all, why in the world hasn’t anybody noticed he’s gone? Why didn’t you hear that he’d been laid out in the parking lot and taken to the hospital? Why wasn’t a WWE.Com Exclusive camera there to catch the action? Why was I wondering if he was alive or dead, if I’m the one that killed him? Why was I carrying him around in a tiny burlap sack for the last month? Why in the hell am I feuding with Rey Misterio?!

Hey! I was wondering all of those things!

Kane: Well, besides the obvious “needs more Kane” factor, the fact of the matter is, that Rey Misterio is like that little bit of dirt that you get under your finger nails. You know? Like…there’s that little speck of dirt there, and you dig for it and dig for it, and you just can’t get it out! Ugh! So, then you just take it out to the parking lot and beat the hell out of it for no reason. Um…so…yeah. I don’t have any clue why I did it either. Sorry! Wait. No. I did it for Charlie Haas. Yeah. He should be the only masked wrestler on RAW. He still does that, right?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” comes out, awfully pissed off. Partly because Rey Misterio is the only person on the whole roster anymore who is actually friends with Dave, but mostly because Kane’s explanation gave Dave a headache. They brawl for a while, and just when you think Dave’s going to hit the OSPREYBOMB TO KANE, Kane punches Dave’s trick knee, hits a chokeslam, and then bails. That’s some good anglin’, Mr. Michelle Gellar!

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Chris Jericho (w/ Lance Cade) vs. CM Punk

Jericho’s got red undies on tonight, because he’s not trying to be Steve Austin. Fukui says that “Punk is blowing the roof off this place,” but I think he means literally. Like…with dynamite or something. Because the crowd is kind of, “Oh! Did they just say from Chicago?! Oh. It’s CM Punk.” I’m still kind of looking forward to this match, though. These are two thin, wiry gentlemen! It’s just like I’m watching TNA! Punk does a backflip in the corner while Jericho turns face, then heel, then face, and then hits Sting with a guitar to turn back heel again. MATCH OF THE YEAR!

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Thankfully, this match is non-title, because we all totally know that Punk is losing, right? I mean, it’s his home town, Jericho is the top heel on RAW right now, and it’s CM Punk. So, yeah. Punk tries to fight the power and goes for the Go To Sleep, but Jericho sneaks out of it. This match really isn’t as good as I’d hoped. I think probably because they’re both still reeling from Kane’s lack of shocking revelations. And lack of Hocking revelations, I guess. I can’t do everything for you, WWE! Some things you’re just going to have to learn to do on your own. Punk gets a Double Underhook Backbreaker, which is funny. Not only because it’s one of Jericho’s moves that he never uses, but because if he just falls to his knees, he totally hits a PEDIGREE TO JERICHO and wins the match. Sigh. Instead, Punk stops to ponder how Lance Cade avoided getting fired again, and Jericho snaps off a Codebreaker for the win. Poor Punk.

Next Week: Chris Jericho punches Shawn Michael’s kids. Accidentally. In the teeth so Shawn doesn’t have to pay for braces. Plus, Kane attacks D’Lo in the parking lot, just to see how many times he can get away with this. And Zombie John Cena and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” shake hands tersely in a hallway for an hour. Plus, ALIENS AND VAMPIRES! AAAAAAH!

Places of Interest

Camp Mojache
Feathermoon Stronghold
Thalanaar
Dire Maul
The Dream Bough

Ferelas is a unique zone with a ton to do, but for some reason, a lot of people don’t seem to spend a lot of time there. The scenery is nice, the gathering opportunities plentiful, a nice dungeon, and there are towns for both Horde and Alliance. Actually, in my experience the quests around Ferelas are plentiful and easy enough for both sides, that it’s a zone well worth exploring for everyone in the levels between 40 and 50.

Of course, on PvP servers, it can be a dicey proposition, because of the fully featured towns on both sides. Additionally, there are a lot of Elite areas still here (even after patch 2.3 removed most of the ones in the game), and if you’re not careful, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Also, for whatever reason, the enemy ranges from 40-50 seem to be a little shoddily done, so it’s quite easy to run into a group of enemies you’re not prepared for at a lower level.

Mining: Silver, Gold, Iron, Mithril, Truesilver, Thorium. Great mix of ores that you can collect here, including some Thorium very occasionally. The outskirts and valleys are where you can get most of your materials, although the Silithid cave almost always has some Mithril, so if that’s what you’re after, check there first.

Herbalism: Stranglekelp, Khadgar’s Whisker, Purple Lotus, Goldthorn, Sungrass, Golden Sansam There’s not a fantastic variety of herbs to gather, but this will often be your first chance to grab some of the higher end herbs. Purple Lotus is very valuable and Golden Sansam and Sungrass are extremely great herbs to have for high end alchemists.

Cloth: Silk, Mageweave Good drops here, especially off the mobs in and around Dire Maul. There are not a ton of options however, so the grinding can get to be a bit tiresome. You’re probably better off farming someplace with a more condensed and varied enemy pool unless you’re already questing in the area or running the instance.

Leather: Medium Leather, Heavy Leather Good amount of mobs to kill, especially in the western portions of the zone, but really just about everywhere. There are quite a number of bears, gorillas, wolves amongst others everywhere. Great spot for skinners and leather workers to pick up some leather supplies to use or sell.

There is so much to do, and so many incidental quests that have at least one leg in Ferelas, that chances are good that you’ll see at least a little bit of this very lovely zone. It also has the distinction of being the home of the only Alliance-only companion quest (to get a Sprite Darter), so there are any number of reasons to take a look leveling in Ferelas. That said, unless you’re running Dire Maul or seeking out some easy leather, your stay here will probably be fairly short.

Indianapolis Colts
Last Season’s Record: 13-3, 1st Place

Strengths: Peyton Manning will be back in the saddle by the time the season opens up, and he should have Marvin Harrison around then as well. The Colt’s offensive juggernaught is largely unchanged from a year ago, and the defense looks to be improved. They’ve still got one of the smartest coaches in the league in Tony Dungy.

Weaknesses: Injuries are a huge factor. Yes, Manning and Harrison will be back, but at what level? I think the offense will miss the second level production of a guy like Ben Utecht more than they realize. I have to wonder how much Tony Dungy’s heart is in it, as he openly taked about retirement after last year’s playoffs.

Prediction: 12-4, 1st Place It’s an ultracompetitive division, and the Colts seem to be on the downslide after their Super Bowl victory a few seasons ago. That having been said, I still think they’re the class of the division. Assuming that Manning can come back from offseason knee surgery, the Colts should be just fine.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Season’s Record: 11-5, 2nd Place

Strengths: The Jaguars have one of the hardest hitting, most challenging defenses in the NFL, and if he ever ends his holdout, Derrick Harvey adds the pass rushing defensive end that they’re missing. Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew are a hell of a pair of backs to rush with. David Garrard had a solid season at QB last year.

Weaknesses: Jack Del Rio still hasn’t shown the ability to gameplan a championship team. He needs to take that next step. Similarily, David Garrard is a solid quarterback, but you never believe that he’s going to be able to win you games by himself, and it doesn’t help that the Jags don’t have any decent receivers. If the Harvey holdout lingers, there will be some question marks on the pass rush.

Prediction: 9-6, 2nd Place They’ve still got an inside shot at a Wildcard, but the Jaguars are due for some disappointments this season. Jones-Drew and Taylor are fantastic backs, but the offense is extremely thin after that. Defensively, the Jaguars look like they’ll be hard hitters again, but the defensive line needs a lot more depth.

Tennessee Titans
Last Season’s Record: 10-6, 3rd Place

Strengths: Vince Young adds a lot of energy to the games, and he’s looked pretty good in two pro season. The Titan’s defensive line is among the best in football, though it’ll be interesting to see what Javon Kearse adds. Algae Crumpler adds some interesting new looks on offense.

Weaknesses: The running back platoon is kind of a hard sell, I think. No doubt Lendale White, Chris Henry, and Chris Johnson are talented, but they’re just not “premier” backs. I’m also kind of leary of Vince Young as a leading quarterback, mostly because his throwing mechanics are so awkward. They’ve said he’s getting better, but you have to wonder. Tennessee also has poor depth in the defensive backfield.

Prediction: 7–9, 4th Place I think the Titans have overplayed their means the past two seasons. There are too many question marks for them to stay at such a competitive level. I think they’ll be competitive, but the lack of a true number one rusher, receiver, and corner will cost them more than a few game. This, however, is just growing pains for a talented young team.

Houston Texans
Last Season’s Record: 8-8, 4th Place

Strengths: Solid running game with Ahman Green and Chris Brown running behind a line that made Ron Dayne and Samkon Gado productive backs. Owen Daniels is a producer at tight end. Another fantastic defensive line with a lot of depth at each position. The Texans have been improving every year since their inception.

Weaknesses: Matt Schaub never proved anything last year, and he still hasn’t shown he’s a starter. It doesn’t help that, as good as run blockers they are, the Texans offensive line is terrible at protecting the QB. Their receivers are talented, but injury prone. Other than the injured Dunta Robinson, the defensive backs are kind of iffy.

Prediction: 9-7, 3rd Place Slow, steady improvement is the name of the game for Gary Kubiak’s Texans. They seem to have solved most of the problems on defense and hope they’ve got their pass blocking schemes tightened up. If they do? This could be the year the Texans are pushing for a Wild Card spot.

Believe it or not, I couldn’t find my lawsuit hungry man “Benny Baby” on YouTube at all. Maybe all his videos got deleted? The only videos that I found searching for him were a guy singing 1920s-era club hits and a bondage instructional video. Which was very informative, I might add!

So, instead, here’s the other big story of last week: Big Foot. In all his…Glory? Seriously, though, I think I have that same Big Foot at my house, guys. That’s going to make for a wicked Halloween decoration, though.

Olympics? What Olympics?!