Last Week: Zombie John Cena fell apart after taking on some Tough Guys. Mike Adamle became a McMahon when he announced some stupid match that was totally stupid. And Chris Jericho totally beat up CM Punk which is great, because he’s not even in the Unforgiven title match. Maybe he’ll be in one…TONIGHT!
James Blake vs. Donald Young
Oh, this is your typical young vs. old match-up here. It’s hard thinking of James Blake as a grizzled veteran, especially since he’s never won any major titles, but here he is. The referee for this contest is WTA US Open Referee Jorg-
Wait…What channel is RAW on again? Sci-Fi?! UGH!
John Bradshaw Layfield vs. CM Punk
So we’re just going to keep running this one until they have a good match, right? Since JBL is involved, I think that’s a really, really fantastic strategy. This isn’t a title match, because giving Punk a win in a title match is silly, especially when he’s going to lose the title, like, eighteen times at Unforgiven. Did I just give away the results of two different matches? Oh, it’s not like you care. Join me next week when I give away an entire TNA PPV where you and I won’t recognize 90% of the people on the card.
They’re still fighting. It’s like this is a wrestling show or something. You know what’s really sad? I know JBL loses this match, but I really want him to win every match he’s in because I just can’t wait to hear his music again. Moooooo! Shut up. It’s been a long week. JBL hits the Clothesline from Hell, but Punk gets to the ropes before the pinfall. Bradshaw bitches about how he’s wrestling on a bad back and does not deserve to be treated like this, but Punk sneaks in behind him and gets the GTS for the win. Poor Bradshaw, he’ll never get to hear that damn cow moo.
Here’s Mike Adamle, and he‘s still got the RAW theme song as his music. I want to be the fly on the wall in Jim Johnston’s composition room right now.
Jim Johnston: So, we need a theme for this guy? And his gimmick is that he’s an idiot? He actually is an idiot? Can’t we just give him Eugene’s theme? What do you mean no? Aw, screw it. Just have him come out to the RAW theme, would you?
Anyway, say something, Mike!
Mike Adamle: Apparently, when Joe Cessna wrestled David “The Tista” Davidman, he broke his necks. All of his necks. And when you’re a Zombie, that’s not good. So we’ve sent him to a Voodoo Witchdoctor to piece his mind and soul back together. So that should be fun. We’ll do a viginette about it for WWE.com.
Meanwhile, on WWE.com….
Zombie John Cena: Oh! My necks!
WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogieman: I’m WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogieman, and I’m coming to PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER!
Cena: That’s great. I hope I’m back in time to win the Royal Rumble again!
Papa Shango: Man…This economy. Who would’ve thought that Voodoo Doctory would be more profitable than pimping hoes nation wide?
Cena: Thankfully, this economy is good for BRAAAAAAAAAIIIINS!
Shango: Now stand still, I’m going to shake this steaming stick at you until you’re not a zombie any more.
Dr. The Boogieman: And hopefully, that’ll fix your necks. All of them.
Cena: THE NECKS ARE HERE!
Back on RAW….
Adamle: So, yeah, Mr. Cessna isn’t going to be around for UFC Unforgettable Pay Per View Name. I guess we’ll have to add to the Championship Scramble. I’m going to go ahead and suggest Baco-Bits and onions.
Kane: Man, this show is getting lamer by the minute. Rey Misterio should be happy that I killed him. Otherwise he’d have to do some crappy storyline with me, and then he’d be learning English from The Genius and Dean Douglas or something. If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll stay away long enough that everybody forgets I had anything to do with him.
Mike Adamle: Man, I really love going out to the ring with my very own entrance music. Now, there’s something that I was supposed to do last week. What the hell was it….
Primo Colon: Was it introduce me, perhaps?
Adamle: Prime Colon? Uh…Sure? Welcome to the UFC! Are you ready for UFC Unforgettable Pay Per View Name?
Primo: I don’t know. I’m probably not even going to be on the show, so…Am I even supposed to show up?
Adamle: I don’t even know if I’m supposed to show up. So, you’re the brother of Torpedo Caribe Bean Clue Colon, right? Should we poof up your hair, put you in an ethnically unsettling talk show, and have you spitting apples at people?
Primo: God no. What in the hell is your problem? You know, Carlito told me you guys were all a bunch of assholes, but I didn’t believe him because he’s kind of an idiot, but he’s absolutely right! How did you get charge of this show?
Adamle: I sucked so much at being an announcer that they made me head of my own show!
Primo: I…hate you.
Shawn Michaels: What’s going on, guys? Who hates who? Who the hell are you?
Primo: I’m Primo Colon! Carlito’s brother!
Shawn: Ugh. There are two of you? Whatever. Adamle! Where’s Chris Jericho?
Adamle: He hasn’t bothered to show up yet. I guess that’s one of the benefits of being a wrestler. You can show up whenever the hell you’d like.
Shawn: Heh. Yeah. Hey, can you tell him I’m looking for him? I want to give him this fruit basket for puffing up my wife’s lips. It’s been great.
Adamle: Yeah! Whyskyrs is hot!
Shawn: Ok, you say that again and I’ll kick you in the eye.
Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella)
Kenji Fukui: Ugh…women’s wrestling? What else do we have to talk about?
Dr. Yukio Hatori: I could talk about my date with your mom last night.
Fukui: Would you stop it?
Hatori: Do you know what a French Tickler is?
Fukui: Wasn’t that Rene Dupree’s little dance?
Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!
Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: You guys knock it off. This show is supposed to be kid friendly now! You can tell by the two half naked women groping each other in the ring right now.
Fukui: Well, one of them is an Ace Attorney.
Hatori: And the other one is a stripper! This is like a metaphor for America.
Fukui: I really miss the cooking on this show.
Hatori: You want the women to start cooking? You sexist pig!
Fukui: That’s not what I meant-
Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: Santino accidentally distracted Beth which allowed Kelly to get the win. I guess strippers really do beat out career women, eh sexist pig?
Fukui: That’s not what I mean!
Hatori: Whatever you say, man, whatever you say.
Bret Hart and Mr. Perfect were totally awesome. Which is why WWE would like to remind you that the only way you’ll ever see totally awesome wrestling again is by ordering WWE 24/7.
Charlito Caribbean Cool vs. Primo Colon
Ok, so you’re going to run a gimmick where Primo gets to embarrass the hell out of his whiny ass older brother. Who are you going to get to play Carlito? How about Charlie Haas? Hell yeah! You can tell Charlie’s just happy to be out there tonight, even if it is just to bite an apple and wear a fro. Actually, that sounds like a hell of a job. Where do I sign up? Do I have to…put together a resume or something? Because pretty much all I’ve got is “Made fun of Triple H 2001-Present on there. Hillariously, Charlie attempts all of Carlito’s signature…uh…move on Primo, just because, but Primo reverses the Back Stabber into a flying body press for the win. What is he? Young Randy Orton?
Backstage, Shawn Michaels is wandering around eating sandwiches. I don’t think you really understand the word “Retired,” Shawn.
Shawn Michaels has pranced his way to the ring now, and he’s still eating a sandwich.
Shawn Michaels: Never turn down a catered lunch. It’s the only thing Jose Lothario taught me that I actually remembered. So, look, I’ve been carrying this fruit basket around with me all night, waiting for Chris Jericho to show up so I could thank him for the free elective surgery he provided to my wife. But he still hasn’t shown up, and this show is half over now, so I’m starting to get a little ticked off. So, it’d be really cool if Chris Jericho could come down here now and take this. I think the pineapple wedges are starting to dry up, and nobody likes a dried up pineapple wedge.
Well! Chris Jericho finally showed up! On the Titan Tron?!
Chris Jericho: Shawn! Sorry! I couldn’t be there tonight because VH1 called me in for an emergency commentary on “The Best Song that Was Released Ten Minutes Ago.” I guess Michael Ian Black had a head cold or something. I really appreciate the fruit basket though. I wish I could be there to enjoy it with you.
Shawn: Oh, man! That sucks. I really wanted to give you this. Well, thanks, Chris. We’re really happy with the size of my wife’s enormous lips now.
Jericho: It’s a miracle of modern science, Shawn. I am but a vassal for science to do its work.
Shawn: Well, this fruit basket is a waste. I’ll give it to Deuce or something. Do you have any plans for Unforgiven?
Jericho: Nah, I was just going to sleep in that day. Maybe touch up my poofy hair. Nothing says wrestling is serious business like poofy hair, you know?
Shawn: Great! Olive Garden is doing their Taste of Italy deal where you get all kinds of pasta and breadsticks on the cheap. Let’s go have an unsanctioned dinner to celebrate our new friendship.
Jericho: Shawn Michaels, I like the cut of your jib.
Shawn: Likewise, Mr. Jericho. Likewise.
It’s really nice to see two wrestlers getting along like this!
“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Jerry “” Lawler vs. The Tough Guys
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles
I keep thinking, as I’m watching this match, that this is about the 500th time they’ve done it, but I actually think it’s still the first. I wonder if Hardcore Holly is sitting at home thinking, “That could be me in there with Jim Duggan right now!” Probably not. He’s probably at home thinking, “Why the hell is Kim Kardasian on Dancing with the Stars this year?” I secretly want Bob Holly to be on Dancing with the Stars. The announcers talk about Duggan’s “Linebacker-like” physique. That’s an awesome comparison. Actually…I bet that’s not that far off with Tedy Bruschi. DiBiase finally busts out the Million Dollar Dream, but then hits a Side Russian Legsweep for the win.
Cody Rhodes: So yeah. We won again. But last week, Cryme Tyme stole our belts. I guess that means it’s high time we feud with the only other tag team on RAW.
Hey! Look! Up in the luxury box! It’s Cryme Tyme!
Shad Gaspard: Yeah, we’ve still got your belts. And let’s face it, our best chance to make it onto the Unforgiven card is to fight each other. In fact, the way things are working out on this show, we’re going to be fighting each other for the next ten years while they figure out who to pair Deuce with that isn’t Jimmy Snuka. So what do you say?
JTG: Have you tried these little cheeses? These are delcious!
Ted DiBiase: Those little cheeses are, like, $50! You two can’t afford that!
Shad: We can once we win this Raven lawsuit! Then we’ll get some money, money! Yeah, yeah! Some money, money! Yeah, yeah!
Cody: I wish I could sue everybody like Raven!
No wonder Alexis disappeared!
Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with The Tista.
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Batista. Dave, I’ve got to ask you, what do you think of my announcing so far on ECW?
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I do not watch ECW!
Grisham: Sigh…everybody says that. Even my mom! My mom refuses to watch ECW.
Batista: Matt Hardy main events that SHOW!
Grisham: Shut up! You shut up! ECW is a perfectly good show! We’re here on the Sci-Fi Network tonight! Tonight, you’re no better than me!
Batista: I am SORRY! Sorry your show SUCK!
Todd Grisham whips out a portable teleported and beams himself into space where him implodes. Todd Grisham has fallen.
Batista: Teleportation is not yet POSSIBLE!
Kofi Kingston vs. Santino Marella
For the WWE Intercontinental Title
SOS! Kofi is Shelton! Kofi does the Thunder Clap to start. That’s his move! Seriously, though. Send that guy to Jamaica to learn another move. Did you know there’s a Wikipedia entry for “Thunder Clap.” I’m…baffled by this. Sadly, it does not mention Kofi Kingston. Which is kind of funny, because I think he’s probably done more for the Thunder Clap than Lil’ Jon. Beth Phoenix comes out and distracts Kofi so Santino gets the win. Afterwards, she and Santino make out for a while, because their love is eternal.
OH MY GOD! IT’S TIME FOR WWE LIVE A THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION!
Josh Matthews: Woah. So…apparently we’re trying hard to seem politically relevant. Hard enough to raise the dead. I died you know. It was on WWE.com.
Boobsie McTitsalot: Yeah, I died too.
Josh: No you didn’t! You’re just as fragile as a porcelain doll. They keep you in bubble wrap now until they need you for some crappy segment like this.
Boobsie: In the event of a crash, my boobs serve as a flotation device!
Josh: Ugh…I need a drink.
Bill Clinton: Well hey there, Joshy! I haven’t seen you in a while. You’re still a little hottie, aren’t you.
Tough Enough Jessie: Even bald he looks hotter than me! WAAAAAAAH!
Clinton: How about you three come with me back to the Willie Wagon? I need something to entertain me while H-Rod cries herself to sleep.
Shelton Benjamin: Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late. I guess I didn’t even realize that I was allowed on camera again. Hey! Wait a second! Did you all just send me here because I’m black? What the hell!
Kal Penn: Hey, man. Don’t knock being the token ethnic minority. You’ll ruin it for the rest of us.
Lando Calrissian: He’s right, Shelton. Being the only minority on a show can be a great benefit. Now, who wants a smooth, relaxing Colt 45? I need to go find where to turn in my papers to run for District Attorney of Gotham City.
Do you suppose they’ll have Kane live at the Libertarian National Conference? Politics could use a little more Kane. Here’s Mike Adamle again! Hopefully he’ll tell us!
Mike Adamle: There is nothing WWE is more qualified to comment on than politics. Snack on Your Vote, America! Now, with John Cena suffering with multiple broken necks, I had to pull him out of the Championship Scramble. Apparently, we couldn’t get clearance to use Baco-Bits, so we’re going to throw the corpse of Rey Misterio out there. Hey, who the hell knows, right? Chances are he walks out of UFC Unforgettable Pay-Per-View Name as the champion. He’s the only worse choice than CM Punk after all.
Backstage, The Tista is eating a fruit basket.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: This pineapple wedge is DRY!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Kane
Surprisingly, we’ve made it through the night without a run-in by ALF or a wrestler dressed as Mansquito. I guess Charlie Haas dressed as Carlito was close enough. So, the story of this match is that Batista is mad a Kane for beating up Rey Misterio and keeping him in a bag for a month, and Kane is mad at Batista for having even worse hair than him. This is a surprisingly solid and sensible feud. I’m surprised they haven’t added the element of a woman caught between them or spilled coffee to it yet. If they do add a sexy lady to this, might I suggest the returning WWE Diva Josh Matthews?
When we come back, Batista is wearing cardboard armor and fighting a dragon, and Kane is trying to kill kids at a summer camp. Sadly, this is more money than has ever been spent on a Sci-Fi original movie. Woah! What if they did an Adamle Original Sci-Fi Original Movie? Ratings Gold! That’s what they should call it.
The story of a plucky young Dragon Warrior who travels to the future to stop an ancient demon from drilling a hole to earth’s core which will destabilize the western hemisphere and unleash a deadly race of giant octapi on an unsuspecting city.
Justin Long as Garrett Stevens
Danica McKeller as Lt. Susi Pewterbottom
Julie Gonzalo as Piper
Chris Jericho as Major Payne
Bruce Campbell as the Mansquito
It’s Jericho’s best acting role to date! Sadly, all that happens is that Kane beats Dave on the knee with a chair, draws the DQ, and then runs off while the ring is invaded by large men in Sailor Moon dresses throwing pocky at the crowd. That’s right! How dare you interrupt AniMonday!
I mean…wait. What?
Next Week: Shawn Michaels attempts to connect with Chris Jericho by bringing him a nice $50 cheese tray. CM Punk totally gets, like, the third match on the card. Moving on up! Plus, Mike Adamle finally realizes that there’s nobody on the RAW Roster named Primo Colon, and as such, fires Charlie Haas.