1. New York Giants: When you can’t play, you can’t lose! Plaxico Burress spent the first week of his suspension not attending team meetings, which, in a moment of clarity, is exactly what he was suspended for. Last Week: 1

2. Tennessee Titans: K-K-K-K-Kerry Collins? The fact that Kerry Collins is helming a 4-0 team is one of the scariest things I’ve ever heard. I half expect the Scooby Gang to unmask him and reveal that he’s been Tom Brady all along. Last Week: 9

3. Dallas Cowboys: Dallas just looked awful on Sunday, and that doesn’t bode well for the rest of their season. Thankfully, the Bengals are coming to wipe all their tears away. Last Week: 2

4. Buffalo Bills: If I’d told you before the season that the Bills were going to be 4-0 to start, you’d think I was crazy. And I am. But they are, and it doesn’t look like they’re slowing donwn any time soon. Last Week: 5

5. Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers bounced back with the most boooooring win ever. But they proved that they could do do it, and that’s important. Last Week: 8

6. Denver Broncos: How in the hell did the Broncos go from “clearly the best team in the AFC” to “clearly getting their asses kicked by the Kansas City Chiefs. Hold off on the diabetes tests, for now, guys! Last Week: 3

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Another good win for the Bucs, and that’s three straight. The real story of the week, of course, was Matt Bryant nailing the go-ahead field goal just days after his son died. I can’t make fun of that. Last Week: 10

8. Carolina Panthers: Steve Smith is back to punching up the Panthers offense. Hahaha! Right? No? Oh, shut up. They beat the Falcons. Not exactly something to celebrate, you know? Last Week: 12

9. Philadelphia Eagles: Losing to the Bears was not what the Eagles needed. Thankfully, they’ve been able to bring in one of the former Girls Next Door, keeping them within the top ten for one week. Last Week: 4

10. Washington Redskins: Ah, what the hell. Let’s just put the whole NFC East up here and see what happens. Jason Campbell suddenly looks like a quarterback now, which is kind of neat. Next stop? Making Jim Zorn look like a coach! Last Week: 14

11. Green Bay Packers: The Packers “control their destiny” in the NFC North, which basically means that so long as they suck just a tiny bit less than anybody else, they’re in the Playoffs. 8-8! 8-8! Last Week: 6

12. Baltimore Ravens: Tough loss this week, and the Ravens look all kinds of sloppy. But the defense showed back up, and Joe Flacco has proven he can throw interceptions with the best of them. Last Week: 7

13. New England Patriots: They’ve had a whole week to get their act together and come out swinging the rest of the year. Unfortunately, they did not have time to get a new defense or retrofit Matt Cassel with a new arm so…sorry guys! Last Week: 13

14. San Diego Chargers: They’re slowly climbing back up the chart after their standard slow start. As these guys get healthy, they’ll be dangerous. Of course, they’ll lose in the Playoffs, but until then, watch out! Last Week: 19

15. Indianapolis Colts: We shall see now, what Colts offense comes back from the bye week. Is it laser rocket arm Manning who every defense fears? Or is it gimpy Peyton overthrowing his triple covered fourth option? Last Week: 15

16. New York Jets: This week, the Jets either demonstrated a mastery of the Favre offense or the Arizona defense. I’m going to guess that it’s option B, but if Favre really is getting better, the Jets will be fun to watch. Last Week: 20

17. Jacksonville Jaguars: Two wins doesn’t entirely erase the concerns over their woeful start, but spirits are bolstered by the return to the line-up of wide receiver…Wait…Jerry Porter? Hahaha…Yeah…No. Last Week: 22

18. New Orleans Saints: The Saints made a nice comeback to take one from the Packers, giving them some momentum in the very winnable NFC South, proving, if nothing else, that nobody needs Jeremy Shockey. Last Week: 21

19. Chicago Bears: It’s curious, but the bears have somehow struggled their way back into contention in the NFC North. They still look awful, but I guess a little neckbeard goes a long way in this league. Last Week: 25

20. Miami Dolphins: Ricky Williams said that he resisted the temptation to smoke weed during the bye week by remembering all he has to lose. Yeah, think of how much weed he could buy with his new contract! Last Week: 23

21. Atlanta Falcons: It’s going to be a long season of ups and downs for the Falcons. One week they win in a blowout, the next they barely scrape out 9 points. Falcons fans, however, are taking comfort that they’re currently strapped to a rollercoaster rather than a death drop. Last Week: 14

22. San Francisco 49ers: So…uh…the NFC West leaders aren’t even in the top twenty teams in the league. I think the Mike Martz celebration party in San Fransisco is winding down, as the reality of the JT O’Sullivan-era is starting to settle in. Last Week: 16

23. Arizona Cardinals: You could almost feel the deathly pale of Brenda Warner settling over the Cardinals as Kurt got blown out by Brett Favre in a shoot out. The ghastly visage was too much for Anquan Boldin, who had to be removed from the field. Last Week: 17

24. Minnesota Vikings: It was nice to see the Vikings offense go back into “trying to lose” mode after last week’s success. My condolences to Gus Frerrotte’s balls, whereever in his body they may be. Last Week: 18

25. Seattle Seahawks: Ok, the Seahawks won, so we can take them off the deathwatch, but they still do not look like a particularily good team. I hear they’re still rummaging around in Mike Holmgren’s mustache for a receiver. Last Week: 26

26. Oakland Raiders: Lane Kiffin was finally removed as the Raiders coach, much to the jubilation of…Al Davis, I guess. Interim coach Rob Ryan managed to take his attention off his rum for a moment to promise that the Raiders would return to their tradition of sacking quarterbacks and raping wenches. Last Week: 24

27. Cleveland Browns: The Browns win! The Browns win! Never mind they beat the historically bad Bengals! For one week, the city of Cleveland wasn’t completely embarassed. Ok, it was more like a couple of minutes right after the game, but still. Last Week: 28

28. Kansas City Chiefs: Make no mistake, I don’t care if they did beat the Broncos, the Chiefs are still horrible. I’ve got $50 in Vegas that Larry Johnson is just a pair of shoes by the end of the season. Last Week: 31

29. Cincinnati Bengals: I don’t really know what to say here. The once mighty Bengals offense was whipped by the Cleveland Browns in a showing that can only be described in two words: Ryan Fitzpatrick. Last Week: 27

30. Houston Texans: I’ll admit to not knowing what’s going on with the Texans, who really hoped to improve on their 8-8 year last season. Instead, some dude named “Steve Slaton” is their leading rusher. Last Week: 26

31. Detroit Lions: Lions fans spent the bye week breaking eachother’s hands in celebration over the firing of Matt Millen. Millen’s wife says that the move was “all part of God’s plan,” which proves once and for all that God really does hate the Lions. In your face, Jon Kitna! Last Week: 30

32. Saint Louis Rams: Hoping for some respite from their 0-4 start, the St. Louis Rams fired ailing coach Scott Linehan. The straw that broke the camel’s back, apparently was the installation of Trent Green as the starter. Former starter Mark Bulger celebrated by throwing an interception. Last Week: 32

It’s not every day that a famous purveyor of various dressings passes away, and it’s even less often that that man or woman has enough film credits to his/her name to fill a small library. It’s even less often that people bother to make up sweeping musical tributes to their lives and post them randomly on YouTube.

It’s even less often when that person is named Paul Newman. Ok, it was only this once. And I’ll shut up. Here’s his sponsored tribute (which is somehow anime free!).

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. So…Um…I Guess the Economy Collapsed? This was the kind of thing where you know something really, really, really bad is going to happen, but you hope if you ignore it hard enough, it won’t. But the United State’s banking system needs a $700 billion dollar loan to dig itself out of the gigantic hole it’s made. Actually, I’m guessing this news probably is going to change your world, eh?

2. Microsoft Buys Its Own Stock. To the tune of $40 billion. And it’s probably not done. A lot of tech companies are looking to get some of their own stock back so they don’t take so much of a bath in the current economic crisis. Did we actually learn something from the Dot Com burst? Well, I never!

3. The Debate Goes On. After some posturing by the McCain camp, John McCain made it to Mississippi in time for the first Presidential Debate. Who won? Who lost? Who watched? The answer to all these questions and many more is…probably nobody. Sorry.

4. Meanwhile, Some Dude Is Riding a Jetpack. Yves Rossy, known for his willingness to do all kinds of stupid crap, flew a jetpack across the English Channel. To what end, I have no idea. I guess i’ts pretty neat though.

5. The Fall TV Season Has Begun. New shows to watch? Hole in the Wall was kind of funny, I guess? But the rest of them are pretty crappy. FOX has already cancelled “Do Not Disturb” which is great. It’s always nice to get that first cancellation under our belts.

Last Week: Shawn Michaels challenged Chris Jericho to hurt his arm even more. Also, The Tista and Beth Phoenix started the World’s Most Literate Feud. Also, Kane challenged Rey Misterio to a mask-off. Countdown to Evan Bourne getting a training mask begins…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Chris Jericho’s sitting on a ladder, surely as a symbol of how ratings are climbing with him as champion! No? Is it indicative of how he’s risen over the glass ceiling? Hmm…that can’t be it. Ok, I give up.

Chris Jericho: So, apparently, I’m going to be in a ladder match at No Mercy. That doesn’t sound dangerous at all. Sadly, I fully expect that we’ll have blown the Iron Man Match by Armoire Gettin’ too. But maybe we could have Robert Downey Jr. come in and ref that. I’ll see if he’s at the next VH1 thing. Seriously though, being champion is a lot more boring than I remember. Is it always like this?

Randy Orton: Chad Jello, get down from that lantern right this movement! You could fall and hork yourself!

Jericho: If I fall over, don’t you win?

Orton: Yeah, but save it for the typo match, buckle! This is the 800,000 webisode of Monkey Nitro, so I thought it was dude for an appearance from former holster of the WWE Hedgeyweight Chocolate Chip, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy! I am currencely approaching the red cord for most broken shouldsters!

Jericho: Is that the only reason you came out here, Randy? To talk about yourself? Because I’ve kind of got a segment going on here. I’m talking about Shawn Michaels on top of a ladder. That’s serious business. I was going to talk about how honest I’ve been throughout my career, and how much of an ass Shawn Michaels has been.

Orton: Yes, Mr. Jello, that’s prettily much all I’ve have gotten to say.

Jericho: Ok, well your theme music sucks. I’m out. Later.

Orton: Well, Chad, you’re stupidly! I’m going to have more chocolate chips than you have years in your car’s ear!

Jericho: If you don’t constantly get injured, I suppose that’s probably true.

Orton starts crying. While he’s wiping his sorrows away on the ladder, CM Punk runs down to the ring and constantly touches Orton’s shoulder until Randy starts to beg off.

Mike Adamle: Stop it! STOP! Ranky Morgan is a fragile piece of china, and he can’t be damaged! Mr. Munk, I’m afraid I’m going to have to suspend you for this. Also, I think that lip ring is a uniform code violation.

Here Comes the Moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! SHANE DANCE!

Shane McMahon: Yo yo yo yo yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo! Unsuspended! Booyah! You can’t blame CM Punk for wanting to beat the crap out of Randy Orton. Everybody wants to do that.

Orton: Even you, Shawn-o Mad?

Shane: Especially me. Hell, it’s everything I can do just to keep from punching you in the shoulder right now. But I’m afraid if I did that, it would mean that I’d have to hang out with Mike Adamle for longer than I already have to.

Adamle: That’s a fate I don’t wish on anyone!

Shane: So instead, I’ll just help everybody forget what a mess this segment was by doing Adamle’s job for him and then I‘ll dance around. Tonight, CM Punk taking on Cody Rhodes!

CM Punk: Hahahaha! Seriously? Awesome.

Shane: And Chris Jericho and John Bradshaw Layfield versus “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Shawn Michaels!

Adamle: Those sure are matches.

Then Shane dances around.

(ads)

CM Punk vs. Cody Rhodes

Somebody play Punk’s music again so we can pretend like we still give a crap about him! Cody doesn’t come to the ring with the rest of Manu and the Tough Guys for some reason, but I’ve got a meeting with WWE Head Writer Freddie Prinz Jr. about turning that into a series next week. Cody slips out of the GTS and bails, which I think is pretty funny. It’s like…Come on, dude. You’re still Cody Rhodes. Poor CM Punk looks kind of depressed. Wait, is that lip piercing a violation of the uniform code? Why wouldn’t Cody just try to yank it out?

(ads)

Punk locks in maybe the worst ankle lock in history out of the break. Worse than when Shawn Michaels used to do it. Hell, even Angle had a pretty crappy ankle lock for a while. But Punk is basically just standing there and holding Cody’s foot. Somehow, Rhodes manages to escape that, but ends up getting wrapped into a GTS anyway for the pin. Manu and the Tough Guys run out afterwards to try to get some shots in on CM, but Kofi Kingston is there for the save. What does a guy from Jamaica have in common with a guy who hates drugs? Besides the fact that they can’t dance?

(ads)

Hey, it’s the Cincinnati Bengals! I don’t think being associated with WWE is going to help you guys win any games. Sorry!

Backstage….

Mike Adamle: Wow, so RAW has kind of sucked with me as the General Manager, huh?

Shane McMahon: Don’t be so hard on yourself. RAW hasn’t not sucked for years. Hasn’t…not…Yeah. Anyway, it’s not your fault. At least not entirely. What I mean to say is that you suck, but you suck pretty much on equal terms with everyone else on this show for the last seven to ten years.

Ultimo Dragon: Eeeeeeveryone?

Shane: Sigh…everyone except Triple H, that is!

Dragon: He sure is Dragonriffic!

Kane: Hey, guys! I’m really happy about my match with Evan Bourne tonight, mostly because I have no idea who that is, so he must be some kind of jobber right?

Adamle: Pretty much, yeah.

Kane: But I want another match with Rey Misterio. Mostly to pad out my PPV check.

Adamle: Granted!

Shane: See how easy it is to be GM?

Kane: Oh, and Shane? Will you come get your mom? As cool as I thought it would be to have a pet zombie to piledrive every once in a while, I’m getting really sick of hearing the Wrestlemania theme every time she shambles into the house.

Shane: Sure thing.

Adamle: Your mom is a zombie?!

Shane: Yeah. Well, you see…You know what? Forget it. Go look it up on Wikipedia if you care so much.

Elsewhere….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: …and that’s why it’s called “The Battle of Little Bighorn.”

Tough Enough Jessie: You think you’re soooo cool walking around backstage, and engaging in intelligent conversation with everyone. Well, I’ve got news for you, Missy-

Kelly: It’s Kelly, actually.

T.E. Jessie: Missy Kelliot! NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION! Ok?! So why don’t you pack up your veneers and get the hell out of my prime standin’ spot! I’m supposed to be the one randomly bumping into people back here. Not your dumb ass.

Kelly: Whatevs. Hey, Santino and Beth!

Beth Phoenix: Well, if it isn’t Kelly Kelly! What offensive maneuvers do you have planned for tonight? Are you going to dance at me?

Kelly: Haha! That’s a good one. Because I’m not a very good wrestler or dancer!

Santino Marella: Kelly-a Kelly-a Kelly-a, even I could-a beat you-a in a match-a! Without The Tista-a by your-a side, you are-a nothing but a skinny-a blonde girl-a with veneers-a!

T.E. Jessie: Quit stealing my jokes!!!

Marella: Ok, then-a I’ll do-a this!

Santino does the “Pretend I have a Gatling Gun Dance.”

Kofi Kingston: Hey, man, can you show me that hot new move?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: That is my DANCE!

Marella: What does-a everyone think-a about my-a new mask-a?! I’m-a gonna start-a a feud with-a Kane!

Beth: That’s a good feud for you, honey. He’s even worse off than you right now!

(ads)

Santino Marella vs. Deuce Shade

For the WWE Intercontinental Title

All this time off and the best Deuce can do is to come back as Deuce?! Aw man. His dad must be so disappointed. The HonkaMeter is up to 5 this week, which I think means there’s a significant risk of skin cancer. Deuce gets all the offense at first, which is probably the only offense he’s had since he broke up with Domino. But at least he still has a job. Ey! Santino hits Deuce with a roll-up (THAT’S HIS MOVE!) for the win. Poor Deuce. After the match, Santino talks about how much he loves Beth and then, twenty minutes later, she walks out and they cuddle. Best segment ever? Yes.

Backstage, Rey Misterio asks Evan Bourne who he is.

(ads)

Evan Bourne vs. Kane

Evan Bourne might just have the worst music in WWE right now. Seriously, it’s like a lame version of London and Kendrick’s old lame theme. Bourne does some backflips, but to no avail as Kane pretty much just punches him and then hits the Chokeslam for the win. Afterwards, Kane just hasn’t had enough jobber beating for one day, so he goes for another attack. Rey Misterio comes out to protect his…uh…new best friend? But Kane just punts him into the third row. This…is the best booked feud in WWE right now. Which is sad in every way but the fact that we need more Kane.

Backstage…

Jamie Noble: Why come nobody wants to be in segments with Jamie Noble no more?

Shane McMahon: Yeah…I’m not really sure either. I mean, some stupid redneck who hasn’t had a meaningful feud in…ever? Who wouldn’t want to hang out with you all day?

Noble: Exactly! That’s what I mean! Hey…Wait a minute!

Dolph Ziggler: Hi. I’m Dolph!

Shane and Jamie ignore Dolph, who heads off to find somebody else to introduce himself to.

Randy Orton: Shawn Michaels! Exactly whom I wishered to find! What’s the deal, Shawn?! I thought we were breast fiends! Thor Gemutation Sugar Stars! You should’ve have suspendered CP Munk and giftered me the WOO Girl’s Typo match at No Marcy!

Shane: Randy, first off, I’m a fourth generation superstar. Secondly, you and I are not, nor will we ever be, best friends. I don’t even like your smarmy ass. Now step off before I break your shoulder again.

Orton: You got it, Shawn-o! Do you want to go drunking on Friedegg Night?

(ads)

Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella) vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly

This is the greatest women’s match in the history of our great sport. Kelly opens with some backflips. Who does she think she is? Whoever that ECW guy from earlier? Sadly, Beth goads her into a discussion about the benefits of the Jurist system, which allows Ms. Phoenix to load up her spiked hair and go for the OBJECTION! to Kelly. It misses, however, and Kelly gets a roll-up (That’s Her Move!) for the win. Afterwards, Santino goes after Kelly for stealing his finisher, but Dave comes out of nowhere with a Spear to take him out. The Tista smiles on his way back out because he’s a total asshole.

(ads)

Miz and Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme

Apparently, this has been a burning issue all over WWE.com? Is Joey Styles booking RAW now or something? Seriously though, I haven’t been to WWE.com in about five years, so I had no idea people even had issues there. It does give me a great idea for a match where I get to punch Rick Scaia in the head for an hour, though. Book it, Joey! Actually, at least part of that last sentence was a lie, because I knew that Miz and Morrison had an Internet show, which is a pretty sad state of affairs for those guys. Seriously. I have my own Internet show. So…basically, I’m the equivalent of all four of these guys, but I look a better in that fedora.

(ads)

Did the announcers just refer to Cryme Tyme as the “Blingling Brothers?” That’s…either hilarious or awful. I can’t even tell which one it is. Somebody tell me if that’s supposed to be amusing. I’m pretty sure that Miz and Morrison are just happy to be feuding with these guys instead of Jesse and Festus. Or worse yet, R-Truth! Morrison kicks Shad in the head for the win. Well, that was anti-climactic. But seeing as I didn’t even know Cryme Tyme had their own Internet show, totally expected.

(ads)

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: Man, I hate JBL almost as much as Batista hates Shawn Michaels.

Mike Adamle: Wait, what now?

Jericho: Yeah. Because he retired Ric Flair? Come on. That blood feud just ended a few months ago.

Adamle: I had no idea! Who is Ray Fair?

Lance Cade: Never mind. We have an idea to how we can change the main event to put over the heels.

Jericho: What are you even doing here?

Cade: Sigh…I’m leaving, I’m leaving.

Elsewhere….

Charlie Haas: Who better to randomly appear at some Dave and Busters, therefore ensuring their continued sponsorship for at least another week or so? That’s right! Charlie Haas. But instead of being Charlie Haas this week, I’m going to celebrate WWE Home Video’s latest DVD release. That’s right. “Mr. Perfect” Chuck Haasig.

A video montage of Charlie Haas hitting on waitresses, getting drunk on airplanes, and spitting gum at Virgil airs. Well, that was pretty cool!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Get out of my RESTAURANT!

(ads)

Chris Jericho, Lance Cade, and John Bradshaw Layfield vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Shawn Michaels

That’s some fast car The Tista must drive. Do you think he calls it the “Davemobile?” Anyway, as you can see, Chris Jericho somehow thought that having Lance Cade on his team would improve his chances of winning somehow, which…I’m not sure Chris is even trying at this point. Wrestling may be serious business, but that’s no excuse not to help your stupid friend get a paycheck! Anyway, things work out pretty much exactly as you’d expect, with the heels working some eye based offense on Shawn and confusing Dave with shiny baubles to start. Finally, JBL and Batista bail because they both hate their partners, and, while HBK slips out of a Code Breaker, he ends up falling victim to Lance Cade’s…Whatever it is that Lance Cade does (THAT’S HIS MOVE!) for the win. Shawn Michaels looks like he’s ready to die now.

Next Week: Lance Cade beats the crap out of Mike Adamle and appoints himself General Manager of RAW. Dolph Zigler introduces himself to some guy in the wrong arena, to hilarious results. Also, Randy Orton talks for another twenty minutes about what he would be doing right now if he weren’t too busy talking.

Places of Interest

Bay of Storms
Talendris Point
Valormok

Another kind of off zone in the 40-55 run up is Azshara. There’s nothing wrong with Azshara, per se. It’s actually a rather nice looking little zone with great enemy variety, some of the best fishing in the game and a handful of neat quests. Azshara is also one of the most historically important zones in World of Warcraft, as it is the former home of the Night Elf Capital of Zin-Azshari and the Well of Eternity.

On the other hand, you may never go to Azshara at all. It’s out of the way for both factions (allthough the Alliance has a flight path right outside of Ashenvale in the outskirts of Azshara), and hardly any quests actually start in Azshara itself. Almost all of the quests that will take you here begin elsewhere and are completely avoidable. Additionally, going anywhere in Azshara will take you through long stretches of nothing but enemies, especially if you’re working around the costal areas.

Mining: Gold, Mithril, Truesilver, Thorium. You can find pretty significant numbers of mithril and thorium nodes here, especially around the afformentioned, and hated, coastal areas. It might be worth a pass for levels 60 and up, but the mob population in Azshara is probably too high and crowded for lower level characters to bother.

Herbalism: Goldthorn, Stranglekelp, Purple Lotus, Dreamfoil, Golden Sansam, Sungrass, Khadgar’s Whisker, Mountain Silversage Just a ton of herbs here. Azshara is a upper level herbalist’s dream, with a huge selection of very useful and highly salable herbs. If you’re a higher level herbalist who’s sticking around Kalimdor, you owe it to yourself to make a pass or two through Azshara.

Cloth: Silk, Mageweave, Runecloth There are a lot of mobs here that drop cloth, Naga especially, but once again, you’re going to run into the problem of having to fend off two or three at a time sometimes. The Naga in the central Ruins of El’Darath are spred apart enough, that you should be able to engage them one or two at a time for some Mageweave.

Leather: Thick Leather, Dragonscale There are a few pockets of Blue Dragons here that you can draw some dragonscale from. Otherwise, there are a good number of regular mobs throughout the zone that drop leather, so you should go at a pretty decent clip. The stags in the area seem the easiest to kill for your time.

A couple pretty fun quests might take you out in the direction of Azshara, but probably not enough that it’s a mandatory visit. In fact, it’s very easy to go through the game and never visit except to pick up a flight path. It’s a shame too, because Azshara is such a huge part of the Night Elf lore and the War of the Ancients storyline, you’d think there would be a coresponding instance or quest chain that makes a visit to the site a mandatory thing. Alas, there’s not, and many players will wind up missing out on this lovely little zone.

1. New York Giants: I still don’t believe this run can last, and having to go to overtime with the Bengals just proves that, but the Giants have stayed undefeated, and that’s more than I can say for a lot of teams. Last Week: 1

2. Dallas Cowboys: The Cowboy defense finally showed up against the Packers, and who knew? It actually looked halfway decent. They’re clearly going to be players come Playoff time. Not that they’ll win a game after that. Last Week: 3

3. Denver Broncos: They’re the toast of the town in the AFC (not that that’s saying much this year), but their last two wins have been more luck than skill. Let’s see if that holds up against the…Oh, they’re playing the Chiefs this week? Never mind. Last Week: 5

4. Philadelphia Eagles: Three out of the top five in the NFC East! The Eagles have looked ridiculous this season at times. And I mean that in good and bad ways. Still, we’ll see how they hold up after McNabb’s impending season ending injury. Last Week: 7

5. Buffalo Bills: If I could use one word to describe the Bills, it would be “Scrappy.” If I could use two words, they would be “Very scrappy.” Since this is my website, and I can devote as many words as I want to the Buffalo Bills, I will say: “Man, those Bills sure are very scrappy.” Last Week: 8

6. Green Bay Packers: They hung in there, even though they were pretty clearly overmatched against the Cowboys. Brett Favre would’ve won that game by 30. Nah, I’m just kidding. He would’ve thrown a crippling pick at the end of the game. Last Week: 6

7. Baltimore Ravens: They’re undefeated, with two sloppy wins (against division rivals, no less!). The defense looks juiced though, which is nice, because old guys usually don’t look this lively without a truckf full of Viagra. Last Week: 15

8. Pittsburgh Steelers: What a mess that was. Willie Parker’s more fragile than an 8,000-year old vase and they had to turn the game over to Byron Leftwich at a critical juncture. That’s…frightening. Last Week: 2

9. Tennessee Titans: They’re 3-0, but I don’t even know what that means. Is it impressive? Yes. Suprising? Yes. Do I still somehow expect them to wind up 3-13? Absolutely. Last Week: 11

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Brian Griese threw for something ridiculous like 9,000 yards against the Bears on Sunday, leaving many in Chicago wondering why they ever cut him. Tampa fans know all too well, however, that they cut him because he’s Brian Griese. Last Week: 18

11. Washington Redskins: The Redskins continue their Sisyphus like struggle towards the top of the division by completely changing everything that they did in Week One, which apparently includes replacing Jason Campbell with a robot. Last Week: 14

12. Carolina Panthers: Minnesota showed some weaknesses in the Panther’s defense on Sunday, namely, that their defense isn’t particularily good. I’d make another Steve Smith punching joke, but I’m actually kind of afraid of him. Last Week: 10

13. New England Patriots: I’m trying to stifle my laughter at the Patriots getting blowed the hell up by Chad Pennington and the Dolphins, but I’m making no promises. Friggin’ hillarious. Last Week: 4

14. Atlanta Falcons: Well, what the hell? It would make sense to rank them anywhere between here and 22, and it’d still make sense. Still, I like the cut of their proverbial jib, better than most teams right now anyway. Last Week: 20

15. Indianapolis Colts: Wow, the Colts offense looks all kinds of awful. You still trust that Peyton Manning will be able to get some things done, but this team is too injury riddled and playing so bad, it might not matter in the end. Last Week: 9

16. San Francisco 49ers: My God, are the 49ers really leading the NFC West?! Are they really almost in the top half of the league? Is that really JT O’Sullivan?! I need to…go lay down for a few hours and process all this. Last Week: 23

17. Arizona Cardinals: They lost, but they’re still crawling up the charts thanks to a lack of ability by pretty much every other team in football. At least I haven’t seen Brenda Warner lurking in any shadows lately, so that’s a plus. Last Week: 17

18. Minnesota Vikings: Gus Frerrote brought a much needed spark to the Vikings offense, and the defense did the rest against the Panthers. Things finally going the Vikings way, expect Brad Childress to shut the offense down for the rest of the season. Last Week: 21

19. San Diego Chargers: The Chargers finally picked up a win, a blowout no less, against the Jets. Now, just imagine how dangerous this team will be once Tomlinson gets healthy and Ted Cottrell realizes he’s supposed to be coaching the defense. Last Week: 22

20. New York Jets: Poor Brett hurt his ankle trying to do everything for the Jets offense. Eric Mangini blames the lack of production on the receivers not being used to Favre’s style of passing, and I guess Kellen Clemmons and Chad Pennington never really did master the, “Aw shit, well, let’s see how deep this one goes” throw. Last Week: 12

21. New Orleans Saints: When asked about his team’s failure to win close games the last two seasons, Reggie Bush just shook his head and said, “Quit trying to emasculate me! I’m trying to watch Dancing with the Stars. Last Week: 13

22. Jacksonville Jaguars: Well, look who just showed up this week. Welcome to the regular season, Jacksonville running game! It’s just too bad that your best player right now is still a kicker. Last Week: 24

23. Miami Dolphins: I love that Joey Porter has started to talk all kinds of smack again. He and Ronnie Brown basically beat the Patriots by their damn selves, but I wouldn’t put any money on either of them having a game like that ever again. Last Week: 28

24. Oakland Raiders: Despite hourly reports saying that he’s already been fired and taken the job at Syracuse, Lane Kiffin is still the Raiders head coach. Even Abe Vigoda is sick of this shit. Last Week: 16

25. Chicago Bears: Overheard in the Bears Locker Room….

Rex Grossman: Dude, how did you let Brian Griese, beat you? Even I’m a better quarterback than he is.

Kyle Orton: I don’t know! Seriously! Maybe it’s because I have no receivers or offensive line?

Grossman: You should unleash the dragon, Kyle! Chuck it deep!

Orton: Into the arms of the defense?

Grossman: If that’s what it takes! Last Week: 19

26. Seattle Seahawks: The Seahawks get points for being slightly less awful this week, but that has to be adjusted to an NFL-sized bell curve. I’ve beaten the Rams at least five times since last week. Last Week: 27

27. Cincinnati Bengals: Credit where credit is due, the Bengals offense showed signs of life in what should’ve been a drubbing by the Giants. The team clearly needs to regroup in a serious way, however, and that can only mean one thing: a team-wide drug suspension. Solidarity! Last Week: 29

28. Cleveland Browns: This team is so bad right now, that the decision was made that benching struggling Derek Anderson for Brady Quinn wouldn’t make a damn bit of differense. Quinn’s 99 Courage rating in Madden begs to differ. Last Week: 25

29. Houston Texans: They’re probably tired and worn out from all that hurricane activity last week, but the Texans haven’t looked good. Ahman Green should be back this week, which would give them another option to spread out those negative rushing yards. Last Week: 26

30. Detroit Lions: Those angles that you hear on high are Lions fans praising the heavenly host for finally striking down Matt Millen. Lions fans here on earth are skeptical, however, because the team still kind of sucks, and they’re pretty sure nobody in heaven is a Lions fan. Last Week: 30

31. Kansas City Chiefs: I guess a second year quarterback from Coastal Carolina University isn’t the answer to the Chief’s offensive woes either. I think Dante Culpepper hasn’t filed his retirement papers, though, in case you wanted to see just how much more awful it can get. Last Week: 31

32. Saint Louis Rams: In this week’s team meetings, instead of studying how the Bills operate and what plays they might call, the Rams will be watching video footage of some Pop Warner games to better grasp this concept of “football.” Last Week: 32

So the Emmy’s were last night, and let’s face it, you don’t care who won. In fact, you don’t even care who was nominated. And that’s probably a good thing, because the Emmys were terrible. Not that I’ve ever, ever seen a good Emmy Awards, but this year’s was worse than normal.

So, Here’s this thing. I don’t know. There’s something peaceful about Josh Grobin cranking out the Love Boat theme. Yeah. This was pretty much the only thing worth (?) watching.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. IMDB Dipping It’s Collective Toes Into Digital Distribution. You can currently find around a thousand TV shows and full length movies on the site, though the ceiling for commercial films seems to be around 1997. Still, there’s a pretty good selection, and it’s an interesting idea.

2. Hewlitt Packard Wants into the OS Business. They’ve lost so much business to Vista, that they want to get them a piece of the OS pie. Because…non-Windows OSs have done so well in the past? I guess? And don’t go talking about whatever cat Apple named their last OS after. Nobody cares.

3. EA Gives in on Spore DRM. Under the old system, one could only register the game three times. So that’s three seperate computers, one computer three times, whatever. They’ve finally lifted that ban, but not before thousands of people have already hacked their game just to keep it running.

4. Site Redesigns Blow. IGN released their “6.0 Beta” site redesign this week, which makes 1UP’s look genius. They might as well have put their links up in hiroglypics and then let their cat vomit on it. Also, Facebook finally forced users to switch to New Facebook this week, which, like New Coke, has been recieved by users about as well as a stick in the eye.

5. Microsoft Rolls Out Another New Ad Campaign. Apparently, Dan was the only one who liked the Gates/Seinfeld ads, so Microsoft is switching tacts. They’re taking a guy who looks something (but not really) like Mac’s frumpy PC dude, and has him and various celebrities expound the virtues of using a Windows PC. Sadly, none of them mention that there are literally no games for Mac.

Last Week: Chris Jericho was the World Heavyweight Champion. I know, right? John Bradshaw Layfield got beat by Charlie Haas. Also, Randy Orton said things. Will he say some more things…TONIGHT?!

Aw dammit, Memphis?! Does that mean Lawler’s going to wrestle?

(Opening Credits)

CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho

In a Cage Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Did you miss Unforgiven? Well here’s about three hours worth of video packages of Punk getting kicked in the head by Randy Orton and then Chris Jericho dressing as Punk and winning the title in the Championship Scramble (Try New Bacon Championship Scramble for a Limited Time!). Remember when that kick to the head killed such wrestling luminaries as Rob Van Dam, Dusty Rhodes, and John Cena’s Dad? Well, CM Punk is fine. Randy needs to work on his form. Both guys try running up the cage to start, but end up clunking heads and falling back in.

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Did Punk get a haircut? Why in the hell would I notice something like that anyway? While I’m doing a fashion report, I’ll also note that Jericho’s wearing a giant sleeve to cover up his hickeys from Michaels. The rest of his bruises aren’t there anymore though, which is cool. Punk goes for the GTS from the top of the cage, but Jericho is all, “Not on free TV, Bubsy.” They eventually fight towards the door, which is where these things must end up if you’re not going to do something stupid off the top of the cage. Punk tries crawling out, but Jericho just steps over him for the win. Wow, Punk kind of sucks. Even he looks confused by this turn of events. Jericho poses with the belt while CM pouts. He has “Pea!” written on his glove, which is kind of stupid, unless it’s a shoutout to me somehow. In which case it’s totally awesome.

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I will not joke about Shane Helms. I will not joke about Shane Helms. I will not joke about Shane Helms.

Backstage….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: …and that’s how I stopped the Bridge to Nowhere.

Mike Adamle: Fascinating. I think we’ve got a guy on the roster from Nowhere. I bet he’s pretty pissed that you canceled the bridge to his house.

Dolph Zigler: Hi, which way to Internet Heat?

Adamle: Hahaha! We canceled that too!

Zigler: Dammit! First the bridge to my home, now this!

Kelly: Plus, your name is “Dolph.” That’s gotta suck.

Chris Jericho: Ok, Mike. I get it. Hunter told you that I’m going to suck as champion. But it’s really time that you either hire somebody worth having the title other than me, or else let me have a couple weeks off to work on a new VH1 special.

Adamle: Chad Ochocinco, you’re absolutely right. You’ve been slandered, and it’s time to put an end to all that. Let’s go back to my office and play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Kelly: Can I play?!

Adamle: Absolutely, Carly.

Zigler: Me too?!

Adamle: No way.

Zigler: But there’s four hi-

Jericho: The man said “No.”

Elsewhere….

Kane: Get a load of this, Internet! I’m totally wearing my mask again! Doesn’t it look ridiculous when I’m bald? Wait! Let me turn around! It’s Time! It’s Time! It’s Vader TiTiTiTime! Hahaha…Seriously, though, I’m not putting this thing on again. And Rey Misterio? You’d better take your mask off too, even if you do look like a twelve year old boy. Because masks are for losers.

Evan Bourne: Hey! Rey Misterio made it possible for me to be a star here in WWE, and if he wants to wear a mask like he‘s ten, then that’s cool with me.

Kane: Who the hell are you?

Bourne: Evan Bourne!

Kane: ….

Bourne: Sigh…from ECW.

Kane: Oh. Ok. Whatever. I thought for sure you were Charlie Haas trying to be AJ Styles.

This segment somehow ends without Evan Bourne being set on fire. Meanwhile, Jillian Hall is in the ring singing “Misery Business” by hometown artists Paramore. That’s two references in two weeks, those guys owe me a Coke.

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Jillian Hall vs. Boobsie McTitsalot

AlleyesonMeMememememmemememmememe! Beth Phoenix stalks Boobsie down to the ring. Maybe Beth is looking for clues. I’m just kind of pissed that Boobsie didn’t try to get on Survivor Gabon. If for nothing else than because I wanted to hear Jeff Probst say, “Boobsie! Wins Immunity!” And then “Boobsie…The Tribe has spoken.” I still like her new haircut. That’s not going to be a recurring theme tonight, I promise. Boobsie hits The Unprettier (total shout-out to Chris Tian!) for the win. Beth Phoenix is not impressed. Hilariously, Boobsie really wants to get into an argument with Beth, but she’s got to stop and ask WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan to refasten her bra first. Oh, Boobsie….

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John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Tommy Dreamer

HELL YES! Finally, the ECW Talent Exchange has finally been justified. Tommy Dreamer should never leave RAW. Dreamer hits all his signature moves! The punch! The kick to the shin! The getting pushed over! And then JBL gets a Clothesline from Hell and it’s over. Oh, poor Tommy. First they fire Colin Whatshisname, and now this. JBL gets a chair, but instead of beating on Dreamer like we all would (come on, you know you would!), he sits down and pouts. Apparently, he’s going to pout there all night until he gets a title shot. Have matches around him! BEST RAW EVER! Wow…Look at them manboobs. Sitting topless is…not a good look for you, John.

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Yeah, this is still going on.

John Bradshaw Layfield: Man, these chairs aren’t very comfortable, are they? Man. Can somebody get me one of the announcers’ chairs? They’re not using them. Anyway, I think I should be number one contender on the basis of the fact that everybody else on this show pretty much blows goats right now, and I can’t remember the last time we saw a JBL/Jericho title match. That would be something a little different, wouldn’t it?

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy! And what Joe Blowfish Longwell says is the tooth! Everyone on this shoe blows grouts! But, Blowfish, where you and I digger is that I think you stuck as well also. What I porpoise to ROW Granola Manger Adam Michaley, is that we wait until I’ve retorn from in journey. Then I can be the nutter one comptender!

Bradshaw: So, what, we’ll have a title match around April then?

Orton: The Aid of Morgan returns at Wigglestralia! Finally, someone worthers of the WZZ Girl’s Headyweight Chocolate Chip.

Santino Marella: Randy Orton-a! The Glamazon-a and I think-a we would-a make a better Girls-a champion than you-a! After all-a we don’t-a get injured-a every couple weeks-a like you-a do! Or suspended-a once a month-a!

Beth Phoenix: Actually, I’m always getting injured and suspended. You’re like my personal hero, Randy.

Santino: And actually-a, I just pulled-a my groin-a on the way out-a here! Just-a like you-a!

Randy Orton: Blowfish, who are these two comptretitors?

Bradshaw: I don’t know, but their mere presence makes me want to snap your collarbone in forty different places. Would you mind if I did that? It’d only hurt for a couple weeks!

Orton: Indubitably, I don’t not!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: What is going on out HERE?! Are we having a PARTY?! I brought SODA!

Bradshaw: We’re not having a party, Dave. We’re trying to pick number one contenders.

Batista: I want to win a BELT! I have too many loose PANTS! As a famous person once said style and PROFILE! WOO!

Santino: Can-a I have-a a Soda?

Batista: NO! You may NOT! I want to wrestle BRADSHAW!

Bradshaw: I just finished a grueling match with Tommy Dreamer, dude.

Mike Adamle: This segment has gone on way too long. How the hell did Scarborough Mozzarella and Bess Pillox get out there anyway? No matter. Breadshaw, The Tista? Both of you have sucked too much lately to get a world title shot. And Ranky? I need to fill a main event spot for UFC No Marcy! So with that in mind, I’m just going to put a stop to all this nonsense and give myself a main event interview to sort all this stuff out. Maybe I’ll give the match to Dolph or something. He’s done good work tonight.

Bastista: I am not happy with this DECISION!

Dave attacks Bradshaw and hits the OSPREY BOMB TO SANTINO~! Man, why does Dave always have to be such a jerk? You can try to be nice at least, Mr. Davidson! Beth objects to this manhandling of her…man, so she gets in The Tista’s face. Dave responds with an OSPREY BOMB TO BETH~! Boo!

Backstage, Randy Orton sits down next to Manu and The Tough Guys, but they pick up their lunch and move to another table. Poor Randy.

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Manu and The Tough Guys vs. Kofi Kingston, Jerry “” Lawler, and Good Ol’ Jim Haas

Of all the people Charlie Haas could’ve picked to emulate, I don’t know that Jim Ross is the best pick. Especially since he looks and sounds nothing like Ross. It’s still a better impersonation than Oklahoma. Maybe Charlie can win the Cruiserweight Title too. Ha! Sadly, Kofi still doesn’t have another dance move. The Thunder Clap is so last month, man. Come up with something new! I will say that I’m happy Lawler’s hometown match was shoved into a six man tag. Haas gets in and goes through all of JR’s signature moves, which consist mostly of shilling Barbeque Sauce and wearing a hat. Some WWE Superstars have really crappy signature moves. Ted DiBiase takes all this in for a few seconds and hits the Million Dollar Legsweep for the win.

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: Ugh…Maybe being champion isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I should’ve just kept cashing paychecks and making fun of Funaki. I could’ve had my own WWE.com talk show!

John Bradshaw Layfield: Yeah. I love being champion though, because Dave’s right, that thing really does help you keep loose pants up.

Jericho: You haven’t had a loose pair of pants in ten years.

JBL: Hey! What’s the deal?! I thought we were friends now that we’re both heels.

Jericho: Friends?! Every week you come out and talk about how much better than me you’d be as champion. Besides which, you did everything short of grabbing my ass in the shower to make me feel unwelcome in the locker room.

JBL: Oh yeah? Well…I brought you some blintzes. Please talk to me? Nobody else likes me anymore now that Bob Holly’s gone!

Tough Enough Jessie: YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie tackles JBL and rains down punches while Chris Jericho munches thoughtfully on a blintz.

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Jamie Noble vs. Paul Burchill (w/ Katie Lea Burchill)

So the story is that Noble got dumped by Layla El last week for William Regal, and they’re both English, and so is Paul Burchill, so there you go. Wasn’t Katie Lea Jamie’s first love anyway? Why doesn’t he just try to get with her? It’s not like she’s doing anything at the moment, I’m sure she’d love the opportunity to date some guy who’s actually getting TV time. And isn’t her brother. Jamie locks in an Arm-Bar (#897) for the win. Well hell. Now she’ll shack up with you for sure. After the match, Layla El comes out and tells Jamie that she doesn’t care if he’s going to win a bunch of matches, because he’s funny looking. To that point, she brings out the World’s Classiest Vampire, William Regal. I want him to start wrestling in suits. He looks way better in suits. Regal says that what Layla wanted wasn’t “Noble, but Nobility.” OH SNAP!

Backstage….

Mike Adamle: …and then I used my Pink Hippo to gobble up all the pills! I fell just like Jake Roberts!

Lance Cade: I don’t think those are supposed to be pills, Mike.

Adamle: What the hell do you know?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I really want a title MATCH!

Cade: So do I, but I probably won’t get one either.

Batista: I am a big JERK!

OSPREY BOMB TO CADE! Oh well, admitting you’re a jerk is the first step to recovery.

I think.

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Kane vs. Rey Misterio

Ugh…These announcers tonight.

Mike Tenay: WOW! LOOK AT THIS! KANE AND REY MISTERIO! THESE TWO HAVE NEVER FOUGHT BEFORE! THIS IS THEIR FIRST MEETING!

Don West: Mike! Mike! I just realized something! Kane spelled backwards is-

Tenay: Oooooh! It’s Enak! He’s a Biblical Prophet, Don!

West: This match is apocryphal!

Tenay: Monday Night RAW is a true wrestling alternative! You won’t see action like this in TNA!

West: Oh MY GOD, MIKE! I JUST REALIZED THAT WWE SPELLED BACKWARDS IS EWW!

Tenay: Rey Misterio and Kane are fighting right here in the Impact Zone, Don. They are literally having a wrestling match in that ring. And that’s not just any ring! It’s a four sided ring.

West: That’s four more points of impact than your standard ring shaped ring, Mike!

Tenay: Fans, we’ve got to take a short commercial break, but we’ll be right back with more wrestling by Kane and Rey Misterio!

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Don West: Mike! Mike! I just realized something! Kane spelled backwards is Enak!

Mike Tenay: Ooooooh! And this “Enak”…this Monster is taking on Rey Misterio in a wrestling match! There must be a fall folks! Unless there isn’t!

West: REY IS GOING FOR THE 619! THAT’S HIS MOVE!!

Tenay: OH, BUT KANE PUNCHED HIM! YOU WON’T GET ACTION LIKE THIS ANYWHERE ELSE!

West: AND KANE HAS BEATEN REY INTO OBLIVION!

Tenay: THAT’S HIS MOVE!

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Tenay: And HERE’S EVAN BOURNE! What’s he doing here?!

West: He’s going to hit Rey with a baseball bat, Mike! Or…Wait. He’s going to dropkick Kane out of the ring.

Tenay: I don’t believe this, Don!

West: AND YOU CAN GET YOUR CUSTOM MYSTERIO MASK FOR TEN EASY PAYMENTS OF $149.95!! CALL NOW AND GET EVAN BOURNE FOR FREE!

Backstage, Dolph tries to introduce himself to Jericho and Cade, but only Cade will associate himself with Internet Heat refugees. He feels for them. Speaking of which, Random Guy who introduces himself to everyone every week is pretty much the best gimmick Nick Nemeth could have possibly hoped for.

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Jericho and Cade are in the ring now, awaiting their fate.

Chris Jericho: So, lay it on me, Mike. Who am I fighting at No Mercy? Please tell me it’s Dolph!

Mike Adamle: Chad, I hate to tell you this, but it’s not Dolphin. It’s not even So Cal Val Venom. And, in fact, even though The Tista and JLO are fighting for the number one contenderships that night, it’s not going to be them. After all, this isn’t the King of the Wings tournament!

Jericho: Fine. Who is it then? We’re running out of guys it could possibly be.

Lance Cade: It could be me!

Jericho: Hahahaha…seriously, though.

Adamle: Yeah, sorry, Mr. Cake.

Cade: Aw.

Adamle: So actually. I’m just going to let your contender come out here himself.

Then we rest for about twenty minutes. Whew. I love that Jericho has to pretend to be confused and angry for all of this time while everybody goes backstage to look for Shawn Michaels. Oops. SPOILER!

Shawn Michaels: Woah, sorry about that. I was in the bathroom. What’s going on out here.

Jericho: Shawn Michaels. What a…shock? I guess?

Michaels: Jericho? Oh, man. Does that mean I get a title shot?

Jericho: Yeah. I guess so. So we’ve had a couple regular matches and a hardcore match, what else can we do?

Maintenance: Excuse me, guys. I’ve got to change a light up on the TitanTron. What are you guys still doing here? Everybody left during that twenty minute pause a couple minutes ago.

Shawn: Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that. Hey! Can I help you set up that ladder? WAIT! Chris, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Jericho: I think so, Shawn, but how are we going to get a gallon of grape juice through airport security?

Shawn: Oh…I have my ways.

Next Week: Jericho and Michaels discuss whether or not having a ladder match is such a good idea when one of them has a torn bicep. Plus, Dolph introduces himself to some other people. Also, Kane and Rey Misterio swap masks for the continuation of the greatest feud ever. EVER!!

Last month, we got our first taste of what Telltale could do with the Homstar Runner universe with Homestar Ruiner. It was a decent, if a little tepid, effort at merging the wildly successful Sam & Max engine with a completely different established universe. The biggest change you’ll notice in Episode Two is how much more comfortable everything seems.

The game, like its predecessor, is broken into three very short “Acts,” preventing any one particular scenario from overstaying its welcome. The third act is perhaps a little disappointing in its brevity, but I think overall the story has quite a bit more impact, and the plot and jokes are more fun than the first episode.

The plot involves an e-mail tax imposed on Free Country, USA by the King of Town. Being the world’s formost e-mailer, of course, Strong Bad decides to lead a revolution against the KoT and his minions, to…limited success. The dialog is a bit sharper this time around, though the trees still feel quite limited compared to Sam & Max. The additions of “War Time” cut scenes between missions adds a bit to the humor, and makes the story feel like it’s moving more briskly than it actually is at times.

The plot of Strongbadia the Free actually opens up some very interesting character development, which is something you don’t often get out of the H*R universe. Most notably, Homsar, the cartoon’s unintelligable cup of coffee, is given actual, intelligent lines here. As a fan of the cartoon, it’s a bit strange and feels kind of forced, but it’s nice to see them trying new things with the characters in the games.

Extra Features:

The Teen Girl Squad feature this month is hillarious, and marginally better than last month’s great offering. The mini-game offering is “Math Kickers” a sort of edutainment version of Double Dragon. It is a hillarious concept, but I wasn’t a big fan of the interface nor the grind involved, which felt even more tedious than Snake Boxer did.

The hidden items are back, and I feel like they did a better job of making them well hidden, but more easily attainable for the non-pixel hunting crowd. One thing that I did not like, however, is the new usage of the metal detector. In the last game, Strong Bad would only take out the detector when there was metal to detect, and even so, it wasn’t vital to the progress of the game if you didn’t bother. Now, some necessary items are buried away, and there’s no indication of when there is nothing to find, only that you’ve found something. This can lead to a few lost hours scouring every single screen hoping, in vain, to find some hidden gem that isn’t actually buried. Some sort of visual or audio cue that you’ve found everything in a particular area is a neccessity.

There’s also a board game that you can play, that is vital to your progress in the game as well. It plays something like a cross between Stratego, Risk, and Battle Chess. It’s fun in a limited dose, especially just seeing the different pieces duke it out. But it gets a little tiresome, especially once you’ve gone through all the motions and figure out the strategy.

Technical:

Another solid job by the TellTale team, who now have a few full years experience applying this engine. There are a few visual hiccups here and there, but nothing too major. Also, the Wii version of the game currently has some issues with dialog dropping out during some cut scenes. The loading times are on par with the last episode, though for some reason the board game seems to chug a little bit at times.

Graphics:

Once again, a few of the characters don’t particularily transition well to 3D. The Poopsmith and Strong Mad are already on my list, but having seen Strong Sad for a good portion of time in this game, he’s also a little ragged looking as a game character.

There are a few other new environments in this story, and most of them are pretty well put together, if a little bare. In fact, there doesn’t seem to be as much to “see” here in Club Technochocolate or Homsar’s habitat as there was at Coach Z’s gym in the first game. I appreciate the change up of locales, certainly, I just wish there was a little bit more going on.

Sound:

Matt Chapman does a great job, as always, in voicing his characters. The vocal hiccups present in the first game (apparently attributable to a nasty cold) are gone. He does a new voice or two in the piece, and the one attached to a familiar character is a little overdone and strange.

Marzipan isn’t around for much of the game, but we are treated to a short song, and some amusing bits of dialog from her. For what it’s worth, Missy Palmer’s comedic timing seems to be much better this time out than it was in the last game.

I kind of wish they would’ve gone to another opening title song from Strong Bad though, as Strongbadia The Free’s open felt a little cold compared to last month’s. The ambient music is solid as usual, but it tends to loop a little too frequently when there’s quite a bit to do in any one area of the game.

Replay Value:

The two mini-games and Teen Girl Squad will keep you busy, if you’re so inclined. You’ll also have to play through more than once or deep into the extended mode, if you want to unlock all the costumes and other various items. For completionists, I should note that you ought to interact with Strong Sad as many times and as many ways as possible, because the related acchievement is impossible to get unless you’ve done a majority of it before the end of the game.

Final Score: 7.5/10

I think that TellTale is starting to find its groove here. While the first game felt like an early episode of the Homestar Runner cartoon, this felt more like a game, with a bit more meat to the plot. Additionally, the puzzles and mechanics of Strongbadia The Free are tighter and more accessible than some of the elements of Homestar Ruiner were.

Ultimately, the game is still a little on the short side given the pricing (it shouldn’t take you more than a few hours if you just blow through it) and there are a few things here and there that need to be tweaked. The balance between true “hidden items” for completionists and wasting people’s times, as with the metal detector, need to be balanced out better. Also, I think the end-game was a bit anticlimactic.

Still, this is a worthwhile effort for Homestar fans and adventure gamers alike. I think the storytelling elements and writing are there to put the series on the same level as Sam & Max, so hopefully, as the TellTale staff becomes more comfortable fleshing out the universe, we’ll see some great games in the next few months.

If you’re interested in taking a look at the game, you can download a copy of the PC Demo at the TellTale Website.