Last Week: Chris Jericho was the World Heavyweight Champion. I know, right? John Bradshaw Layfield got beat by Charlie Haas. Also, Randy Orton said things. Will he say some more things…TONIGHT?!
Aw dammit, Memphis?! Does that mean Lawler’s going to wrestle?
CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho
In a Cage Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title
Did you miss Unforgiven? Well here’s about three hours worth of video packages of Punk getting kicked in the head by Randy Orton and then Chris Jericho dressing as Punk and winning the title in the Championship Scramble (Try New Bacon Championship Scramble for a Limited Time!). Remember when that kick to the head killed such wrestling luminaries as Rob Van Dam, Dusty Rhodes, and John Cena’s Dad? Well, CM Punk is fine. Randy needs to work on his form. Both guys try running up the cage to start, but end up clunking heads and falling back in.
Did Punk get a haircut? Why in the hell would I notice something like that anyway? While I’m doing a fashion report, I’ll also note that Jericho’s wearing a giant sleeve to cover up his hickeys from Michaels. The rest of his bruises aren’t there anymore though, which is cool. Punk goes for the GTS from the top of the cage, but Jericho is all, “Not on free TV, Bubsy.” They eventually fight towards the door, which is where these things must end up if you’re not going to do something stupid off the top of the cage. Punk tries crawling out, but Jericho just steps over him for the win. Wow, Punk kind of sucks. Even he looks confused by this turn of events. Jericho poses with the belt while CM pouts. He has “Pea!” written on his glove, which is kind of stupid, unless it’s a shoutout to me somehow. In which case it’s totally awesome.
I will not joke about Shane Helms. I will not joke about Shane Helms. I will not joke about Shane Helms.
Kelly Kelly Kelly: …and that’s how I stopped the Bridge to Nowhere.
Mike Adamle: Fascinating. I think we’ve got a guy on the roster from Nowhere. I bet he’s pretty pissed that you canceled the bridge to his house.
Dolph Zigler: Hi, which way to Internet Heat?
Adamle: Hahaha! We canceled that too!
Zigler: Dammit! First the bridge to my home, now this!
Kelly: Plus, your name is “Dolph.” That’s gotta suck.
Chris Jericho: Ok, Mike. I get it. Hunter told you that I’m going to suck as champion. But it’s really time that you either hire somebody worth having the title other than me, or else let me have a couple weeks off to work on a new VH1 special.
Adamle: Chad Ochocinco, you’re absolutely right. You’ve been slandered, and it’s time to put an end to all that. Let’s go back to my office and play Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Kelly: Can I play?!
Adamle: Absolutely, Carly.
Zigler: Me too?!
Adamle: No way.
Zigler: But there’s four hi-
Jericho: The man said “No.”
Kane: Get a load of this, Internet! I’m totally wearing my mask again! Doesn’t it look ridiculous when I’m bald? Wait! Let me turn around! It’s Time! It’s Time! It’s Vader TiTiTiTime! Hahaha…Seriously, though, I’m not putting this thing on again. And Rey Misterio? You’d better take your mask off too, even if you do look like a twelve year old boy. Because masks are for losers.
Evan Bourne: Hey! Rey Misterio made it possible for me to be a star here in WWE, and if he wants to wear a mask like he‘s ten, then that’s cool with me.
Kane: Who the hell are you?
Bourne: Evan Bourne!
Bourne: Sigh…from ECW.
Kane: Oh. Ok. Whatever. I thought for sure you were Charlie Haas trying to be AJ Styles.
This segment somehow ends without Evan Bourne being set on fire. Meanwhile, Jillian Hall is in the ring singing “Misery Business” by hometown artists Paramore. That’s two references in two weeks, those guys owe me a Coke.
Jillian Hall vs. Boobsie McTitsalot
AlleyesonMeMememememmemememmememe! Beth Phoenix stalks Boobsie down to the ring. Maybe Beth is looking for clues. I’m just kind of pissed that Boobsie didn’t try to get on Survivor Gabon. If for nothing else than because I wanted to hear Jeff Probst say, “Boobsie! Wins Immunity!” And then “Boobsie…The Tribe has spoken.” I still like her new haircut. That’s not going to be a recurring theme tonight, I promise. Boobsie hits The Unprettier (total shout-out to Chris Tian!) for the win. Beth Phoenix is not impressed. Hilariously, Boobsie really wants to get into an argument with Beth, but she’s got to stop and ask WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan to refasten her bra first. Oh, Boobsie….
John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Tommy Dreamer
HELL YES! Finally, the ECW Talent Exchange has finally been justified. Tommy Dreamer should never leave RAW. Dreamer hits all his signature moves! The punch! The kick to the shin! The getting pushed over! And then JBL gets a Clothesline from Hell and it’s over. Oh, poor Tommy. First they fire Colin Whatshisname, and now this. JBL gets a chair, but instead of beating on Dreamer like we all would (come on, you know you would!), he sits down and pouts. Apparently, he’s going to pout there all night until he gets a title shot. Have matches around him! BEST RAW EVER! Wow…Look at them manboobs. Sitting topless is…not a good look for you, John.
Yeah, this is still going on.
John Bradshaw Layfield: Man, these chairs aren’t very comfortable, are they? Man. Can somebody get me one of the announcers’ chairs? They’re not using them. Anyway, I think I should be number one contender on the basis of the fact that everybody else on this show pretty much blows goats right now, and I can’t remember the last time we saw a JBL/Jericho title match. That would be something a little different, wouldn’t it?
Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy! And what Joe Blowfish Longwell says is the tooth! Everyone on this shoe blows grouts! But, Blowfish, where you and I digger is that I think you stuck as well also. What I porpoise to ROW Granola Manger Adam Michaley, is that we wait until I’ve retorn from in journey. Then I can be the nutter one comptender!
Bradshaw: So, what, we’ll have a title match around April then?
Orton: The Aid of Morgan returns at Wigglestralia! Finally, someone worthers of the WZZ Girl’s Headyweight Chocolate Chip.
Santino Marella: Randy Orton-a! The Glamazon-a and I think-a we would-a make a better Girls-a champion than you-a! After all-a we don’t-a get injured-a every couple weeks-a like you-a do! Or suspended-a once a month-a!
Beth Phoenix: Actually, I’m always getting injured and suspended. You’re like my personal hero, Randy.
Santino: And actually-a, I just pulled-a my groin-a on the way out-a here! Just-a like you-a!
Randy Orton: Blowfish, who are these two comptretitors?
Bradshaw: I don’t know, but their mere presence makes me want to snap your collarbone in forty different places. Would you mind if I did that? It’d only hurt for a couple weeks!
Orton: Indubitably, I don’t not!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: What is going on out HERE?! Are we having a PARTY?! I brought SODA!
Bradshaw: We’re not having a party, Dave. We’re trying to pick number one contenders.
Batista: I want to win a BELT! I have too many loose PANTS! As a famous person once said style and PROFILE! WOO!
Santino: Can-a I have-a a Soda?
Batista: NO! You may NOT! I want to wrestle BRADSHAW!
Bradshaw: I just finished a grueling match with Tommy Dreamer, dude.
Mike Adamle: This segment has gone on way too long. How the hell did Scarborough Mozzarella and Bess Pillox get out there anyway? No matter. Breadshaw, The Tista? Both of you have sucked too much lately to get a world title shot. And Ranky? I need to fill a main event spot for UFC No Marcy! So with that in mind, I’m just going to put a stop to all this nonsense and give myself a main event interview to sort all this stuff out. Maybe I’ll give the match to Dolph or something. He’s done good work tonight.
Bastista: I am not happy with this DECISION!
Dave attacks Bradshaw and hits the OSPREY BOMB TO SANTINO~! Man, why does Dave always have to be such a jerk? You can try to be nice at least, Mr. Davidson! Beth objects to this manhandling of her…man, so she gets in The Tista’s face. Dave responds with an OSPREY BOMB TO BETH~! Boo!
Backstage, Randy Orton sits down next to Manu and The Tough Guys, but they pick up their lunch and move to another table. Poor Randy.
Manu and The Tough Guys vs. Kofi Kingston, Jerry “” Lawler, and Good Ol’ Jim Haas
Of all the people Charlie Haas could’ve picked to emulate, I don’t know that Jim Ross is the best pick. Especially since he looks and sounds nothing like Ross. It’s still a better impersonation than Oklahoma. Maybe Charlie can win the Cruiserweight Title too. Ha! Sadly, Kofi still doesn’t have another dance move. The Thunder Clap is so last month, man. Come up with something new! I will say that I’m happy Lawler’s hometown match was shoved into a six man tag. Haas gets in and goes through all of JR’s signature moves, which consist mostly of shilling Barbeque Sauce and wearing a hat. Some WWE Superstars have really crappy signature moves. Ted DiBiase takes all this in for a few seconds and hits the Million Dollar Legsweep for the win.
Chris Jericho: Ugh…Maybe being champion isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I should’ve just kept cashing paychecks and making fun of Funaki. I could’ve had my own WWE.com talk show!
John Bradshaw Layfield: Yeah. I love being champion though, because Dave’s right, that thing really does help you keep loose pants up.
Jericho: You haven’t had a loose pair of pants in ten years.
JBL: Hey! What’s the deal?! I thought we were friends now that we’re both heels.
Jericho: Friends?! Every week you come out and talk about how much better than me you’d be as champion. Besides which, you did everything short of grabbing my ass in the shower to make me feel unwelcome in the locker room.
JBL: Oh yeah? Well…I brought you some blintzes. Please talk to me? Nobody else likes me anymore now that Bob Holly’s gone!
Tough Enough Jessie: YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE! WAAAAAAAAAH!
Tough Enough Jessie tackles JBL and rains down punches while Chris Jericho munches thoughtfully on a blintz.
Jamie Noble vs. Paul Burchill (w/ Katie Lea Burchill)
So the story is that Noble got dumped by Layla El last week for William Regal, and they’re both English, and so is Paul Burchill, so there you go. Wasn’t Katie Lea Jamie’s first love anyway? Why doesn’t he just try to get with her? It’s not like she’s doing anything at the moment, I’m sure she’d love the opportunity to date some guy who’s actually getting TV time. And isn’t her brother. Jamie locks in an Arm-Bar (#897) for the win. Well hell. Now she’ll shack up with you for sure. After the match, Layla El comes out and tells Jamie that she doesn’t care if he’s going to win a bunch of matches, because he’s funny looking. To that point, she brings out the World’s Classiest Vampire, William Regal. I want him to start wrestling in suits. He looks way better in suits. Regal says that what Layla wanted wasn’t “Noble, but Nobility.” OH SNAP!
Mike Adamle: …and then I used my Pink Hippo to gobble up all the pills! I fell just like Jake Roberts!
Lance Cade: I don’t think those are supposed to be pills, Mike.
Adamle: What the hell do you know?
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I really want a title MATCH!
Cade: So do I, but I probably won’t get one either.
Batista: I am a big JERK!
OSPREY BOMB TO CADE! Oh well, admitting you’re a jerk is the first step to recovery.
Kane vs. Rey Misterio
Ugh…These announcers tonight.
Mike Tenay: WOW! LOOK AT THIS! KANE AND REY MISTERIO! THESE TWO HAVE NEVER FOUGHT BEFORE! THIS IS THEIR FIRST MEETING!
Don West: Mike! Mike! I just realized something! Kane spelled backwards is-
Tenay: Oooooh! It’s Enak! He’s a Biblical Prophet, Don!
West: This match is apocryphal!
Tenay: Monday Night RAW is a true wrestling alternative! You won’t see action like this in TNA!
West: Oh MY GOD, MIKE! I JUST REALIZED THAT WWE SPELLED BACKWARDS IS EWW!
Tenay: Rey Misterio and Kane are fighting right here in the Impact Zone, Don. They are literally having a wrestling match in that ring. And that’s not just any ring! It’s a four sided ring.
West: That’s four more points of impact than your standard ring shaped ring, Mike!
Tenay: Fans, we’ve got to take a short commercial break, but we’ll be right back with more wrestling by Kane and Rey Misterio!
Don West: Mike! Mike! I just realized something! Kane spelled backwards is Enak!
Mike Tenay: Ooooooh! And this “Enak”…this Monster is taking on Rey Misterio in a wrestling match! There must be a fall folks! Unless there isn’t!
West: REY IS GOING FOR THE 619! THAT’S HIS MOVE!!
Tenay: OH, BUT KANE PUNCHED HIM! YOU WON’T GET ACTION LIKE THIS ANYWHERE ELSE!
West: AND KANE HAS BEATEN REY INTO OBLIVION!
Tenay: THAT’S HIS MOVE!
Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!
Tenay: And HERE’S EVAN BOURNE! What’s he doing here?!
West: He’s going to hit Rey with a baseball bat, Mike! Or…Wait. He’s going to dropkick Kane out of the ring.
Tenay: I don’t believe this, Don!
West: AND YOU CAN GET YOUR CUSTOM MYSTERIO MASK FOR TEN EASY PAYMENTS OF $149.95!! CALL NOW AND GET EVAN BOURNE FOR FREE!
Backstage, Dolph tries to introduce himself to Jericho and Cade, but only Cade will associate himself with Internet Heat refugees. He feels for them. Speaking of which, Random Guy who introduces himself to everyone every week is pretty much the best gimmick Nick Nemeth could have possibly hoped for.
Jericho and Cade are in the ring now, awaiting their fate.
Chris Jericho: So, lay it on me, Mike. Who am I fighting at No Mercy? Please tell me it’s Dolph!
Mike Adamle: Chad, I hate to tell you this, but it’s not Dolphin. It’s not even So Cal Val Venom. And, in fact, even though The Tista and JLO are fighting for the number one contenderships that night, it’s not going to be them. After all, this isn’t the King of the Wings tournament!
Jericho: Fine. Who is it then? We’re running out of guys it could possibly be.
Lance Cade: It could be me!
Jericho: Hahahaha…seriously, though.
Adamle: Yeah, sorry, Mr. Cake.
Adamle: So actually. I’m just going to let your contender come out here himself.
Then we rest for about twenty minutes. Whew. I love that Jericho has to pretend to be confused and angry for all of this time while everybody goes backstage to look for Shawn Michaels. Oops. SPOILER!
Shawn Michaels: Woah, sorry about that. I was in the bathroom. What’s going on out here.
Jericho: Shawn Michaels. What a…shock? I guess?
Michaels: Jericho? Oh, man. Does that mean I get a title shot?
Jericho: Yeah. I guess so. So we’ve had a couple regular matches and a hardcore match, what else can we do?
Maintenance: Excuse me, guys. I’ve got to change a light up on the TitanTron. What are you guys still doing here? Everybody left during that twenty minute pause a couple minutes ago.
Shawn: Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that. Hey! Can I help you set up that ladder? WAIT! Chris, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Jericho: I think so, Shawn, but how are we going to get a gallon of grape juice through airport security?
Shawn: Oh…I have my ways.
Next Week: Jericho and Michaels discuss whether or not having a ladder match is such a good idea when one of them has a torn bicep. Plus, Dolph introduces himself to some other people. Also, Kane and Rey Misterio swap masks for the continuation of the greatest feud ever. EVER!!