Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. The Beatles Are Coming to Rock Band. The Beatles music experience has been remarkably slow to come around to 21st century technology, but the music’s handlers made an interesting decision this week. Several Beatles tracks will be available in the next few months over the Rock Band Music Store for the 360 and PS3. Bravo!

2. The Feds Mull Over a Second Stimulus Check. You know what would help dull the pain of knowing that pretty much all the taxes I paid last year went to some bank so that some dude with no money could buy a yacht? A new PS3. Lay it on me, W!

3. EA Makes A Pretty Wild Threat. On the EA forums, a staffer commented that the company was so fed up with trolls on their forums, that they would ban the troll’s game accounts as well as their message board accounts, effectively rendering their CD Keys unusable. Of course, EA backed down (sort of) right away, but it’s an interesting defense against message board idiots.

4. Microsoft is Going Windows 7 Crazy. They’ve released screenshots, promotional videos, and even a basic shell of a totally online version (called Azure). They promise that it’ll be less broken than Vista (I hope so!), but in kind of a shot to die hard Windows fans, they’re getting rid of the old tried and true Windows fixtures (like the classic control panel and Start bar).

5. It’s Finally Fucking Election Time. Are you excited?! What? No? WAKE UP! It’s time to vote. Unless you’re like everybody in Florida and Georgia, apparently. They all voted, like, two weeks ago. Apparently, Nader won. I know! I was shocked too! I had all my money on Al Sharpton.

Last Night: Stone Cold Steve Austin helped “Dave” Batista “Davidson” in winning the WWE World Tile, which is proof positive that he hasn’t watched the show in about ten years. Also, The Honkey Tonk Man got groped by Beth Phoenix, which was pretty much the highlight of his career. Also, Rey Misterio finally beat Kane. Which has to be the end of their feud. Right? Riiiight? Find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey, would you like to see 90% of last night’s main event? Because here it is. Chris Jericho is out and he looks kind of pissed off. Wrestling is serious business, folks. And Chris Jericho is not letting you forget it.

Chris Jericho: Ok, you guys, let me get something off my chest. I don’t care if you don’t want me to be WWE World Heavyweight Champion. I really don’t. But, Batista?! Really, guys? That overgrown four year old is the best that you could come up with? I spend five months beating Shawn Michaels, only to come up short against Batista? It really is time you all learned to start treating wrestling like serious business, or we’re all going to end up in the poor house. Well…Not me. I’ve got my own show on VH1. But the rest of you will. Ugh…This company is one short bus I’d love to drive off a cliff.

Mike Adamle: Chad, I understand your concern. Let’s face it, Cybertronday wasn’t exactly a banner Pay Per View for anybody, unless your name was Rod Maskedterrior, and let’s face it, nobody is named Rod Maskedterrior. But I have a plan that will help us combat lousy baseball playoffs and lame duck NFL games where the featured star is Kelly Colmans.

Jericho: I can’t tell if I should ask what this plan is or not.

Adamle: It’s really simple, Chad. Next week, you and The Manimal The Tista will square off in a STEELED CAGE MATCH! That way there will be no interference by Shane McMichaels, no run-ins with Steve Cold Au Gratin, and definitely not any kicks to the head from one Ranky Q. Morgan.

Jericho: I really, really didn’t want to know about this plan. Whatever. I’m out.

Randy Orton: Did someone envouge my name? It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy!

Adamle: My foil! Good day, Sir Mogan. I say it again: Good Day!

Orton: It hast indeed been a fine evering, Adam. But I want to know why Steam Awesome wasn’t suspendered for giving me the Cold Stone Stunner last night? You know what the rule is! No Touching the Morgan!

Adamle: Actually, Ranky, he was suspended. You’ll just never know it.

Orton: Good! I was all prepaid to come out here and call you a lousy dad!

Adamle: I do not have lice!

Adamle punches Orton. Good shot!

Orton: I hope you were watching that Shawn and Steppenwolf! Suspender this guy too!

In Stamford, CT….

Shane McMahon: I swear, I feel like we should at least be tuning into the show. What if somebody’s talking to us?

Stephanie McMahon: Shaaaaaaaaaaane, do you remember what happened the last time we tuned into RAW?

Shane: We came in right during that Boobsie match. Ugh.

Stephanie: Exactly. Nobody’s talking to us. Now did you turn your cell phone off?

Shane: Of course. Let’s see what’s on TV. Ooh! Kristen Bell is going to be on Heroes!

Elsewhere, Kofi and CM Punk are walking around. What could a guy from Jamaica and a straight edger possibly have in common?

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Kofi Kingston and CM Punk vs. The Tough Guys (w/ Manu)

I still do love Kofi’s theme song. It just makes me want to get up and do the Thunder Clap. I am Shelton! Is he still the U.S. Champion? I don’t even…know. Does that make me a bad person? If you’re ever wondering what my thought process is during a match, throughout this whole contest, I was thinking that I’d pay to see these five put on a stage version of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Think of that whatever you will. They could use Kofi’s ring gear! I can’t shake the feeling, though, that Punk’s probably a terrible singer, and of course, he’d have to be Joseph. So maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all.

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Russian legsweep by Cody, and that’s kind of a dick move, seeing as that’s his partner’s finisher. I mean, I know you’re a heel, but show a modicum of decorum. Whoa, I think I just figured out the title to the next Bond film. Daniel Craig in: 007 A Modicum of Decorum. It’s just him and Judy Dench running around a Thai beach in pasties for 90 minutes. Sorry if I spoiled it for you. Still better than Timothy Dalton, though. Oh, you people and your “matches.” Punk hits the GTS on DiBiase and picks up the win. We’ve got new tag team champions, and in a month or so, we’ll finally remember who they are!

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Bethy Haas vs. Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix)

Giving Charlie Haas boobs is certainly inspired, but you can’t even come up with a good name for him here. Anyway, commentator rundown for this match! Rowdy Roddy Piper? Still completely out of his mind. Goldust: Couldn’t care less that they dragged his ass out of TNA’s basement again to collect a paycheck. I guess his dad didn’t teach him to be more grateful. Honky Tonk Man: Savoring this mini-comeback like a fine, bitter wine. Santino gets on the mic to insult their hilarious stupidity, and you can already see Honky’s brain wring his blog in his hair. So Honky runs into the ring and decks Santino with the guitar, while Piper tries desperately to get through this segment without going off on a twenty minute rant about “The Sickness” and Goldust gropes his own nipples. Old people win!

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Michael Cole is in the ring with Batista.

Michael Cole: Dave, last night, you won the Heavyweight Championship of the World.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I like to win BELTS!

Cole: So, what did you think of your match at Cyber Sunday.

Batista: I am HAPPY! Batista equals WORKRATE!

Cole: And what about your match with Jericho next week? Inside of a 30 foot high steel cage?

Batista: I do not like CAGES! I am a MANIMAL!

Cole: I think I’ve wrung about as much as I’m ever going to out of this interview. Here are the closing thoughts of The Tista.

Batista: I am catching up to Ric FLAIR!

Backstage, a bunch of girls are text messaging their BFFs about this total hottie they just saw at Applebees. OMG! GTFO!

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Stephanie McMahon: Ok, fine. We’ll just turn it on here and see what’s going on.

Kelly Kelly Kelly, Boobsie McTitsalot and Alexis Laree vs. Layla El, Katie Lea Burchill, and Jillian Hall

Shane McMahon: Aw…dammit.

At Cyber Sunday, Katie Lea dressed up like a vampire, which pretty much proves that all British people are vampires. I like that Alexis won the costume contest with the most boring, played out, unrevealing costume of the night. The rest of the women must be so pissed. Everybody gets a few seconds to run through their “offense” before Kelly hits the Fameasser for the win. I guess this way they’ve blown through all the girls in one night though. Now they don’t even have to bother on the “anniversary” show next week. Which is good, because Shane and Stephanie have to watch that one.

Backstage….

John Bradshaw Layfield: You know what? Screw this show. I’m never going to win the title from Batista. That guy always beats me. Why does this company hate me so much? My back is killing me. I guess I shouldn’t bitch too much, because at least I’m making more money to lose on the stock market, but damn, guys. Really.

(ads)

Rey Misterio vs. Evan Bourne

Before the match, Todd Grisham kills himself botching a Shooting Star Press. Todd Grisham has fallen, but that was pretty awesome. I’m somewhat distraught by the fact that Evan Bourne looks genuinely excited to be in this match. I guess he just hasn’t learned the horrible disappointment of being associated with Monday Night RAW yet. I am glad that WWE found its answer to AJ Styles, though. I was wondering what we’d do without a generic brunette Indy high flyer. Ring of Honor needs more Kane. OH! Maybe he could be their new booker. Could you imagine how awesome that would be?!

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I’m still practically vibrating with excitement over the prospects. Jimmy Jacobs can chokeslam everybody. Jimmy Jacobs is still in Ring of Honor, right? He and Lacey are the only people on that roster that I know. I’m not very…up to date. Anyways, Rey and Evan work through a series of backflips that would make (obscure Japenese wrestler here) weep, and then Bourne kicks Rey in the head. Well, that wasn’t very polite. This match has been going on for just about the right amount of time, so Misterio wins with a roll-up (That’s His Move!). After the match, Kane comes out to ask Evan about getting the Ring of Honor job, but then Mark Henry waddles out and destroys Bourne and Rey. Kane frowns at Mizzark’s misunderstanding of his intentions, but then laughs because he likes seeing people get beat up. I love it when Kane’s happy.

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When John Cena was a baby, he used to lock other babies in the STFU and steal their milk. True story. Ok, not really, but any excuse to truck out John Cena’s Dad again, I guess.

John Morrison and The Miz are on the stage. Those guys have their own TV show on WWE.com, you know!

John Morrison: Last week, for no apparent reason whatsoever, we mentioned DX in a promo. Well, now we’re fighting DX next week on RAW’s 805^th anniversary show. Weird how that works out, huh? So, bedazzle your abs and join us, when a totally not planned or anything collision between two of the most irritating tag teams in WWE History runs wild on Monday Night RAW.

Mike Mizanin: Check it, my hat lights up!

Backstage, The Tista is eating a donut. Carbs are for winners!

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Chris Jericho and John Bradshaw Layfield vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Shawn Michaels

But wait! Before the match can get started JBL attacks Shawn backstage and knocks him out. Odds on him suddenly getting well enough to make a hot tag in about ten minutes? 2:1. I’ve got money riding on “The Detroit Lions?” That can’t be right. Anyway, Dave beats up both guys, of course. Partly because he is The Tista, after all, but mostly because he’s a big jerk. “Look how I can beat both top HEELS! I am better than THEM!” He seems to be saying. Except he wouldn’t say “heels” probably because Dave’s totally into Kayfabe. Just like Madonna.

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Bradshaw’s got a CHINLOCK~! locked in on Dave when we come back. Somehow, Batista fights his way out of this harrowing predicament. Jericho hits a Codebreaker a few seconds later, but doesn’t even bother going for the cover. Either he sees the writing on the wall here, or he’s got money riding on the Michaels run-in. He gets his wish, a few seconds later when Shawn comes prancing out. Damn. I really had my hopes set on Calvin Johnson. Sorry, that’s the only Detroit Lion I could come up with on short notice. Shawn basically just wanders around for a while, and Batista gets a OSPREY BOMB TO JBL for the win. Chris Jericho looks…actually he doesn’t look like he even cares, so that’s nice.

Next Week: It’s THREE HOURS of action, which means that I’ll probably only pay attention to about twenty minutes of it. Shane and Stephanie make their triumphant return to RAW only to see Kelly Kelly Kelly and turn right back around and go home. Also, Chris Jericho weeps openly for one of the three hous.

We’re well into Telltale’s new Strong Bad series, and you’d hope that by the third episode all the writing and graphical tweaks that the design team had to make in the first two games would pan out, and they could finally start swinging for the fences. Well, Baddest of the Bands certianly isn’t a home run, it’s a solid ground rule double.

Unlike the previous two games of the series, Baddest of the Bands sheds the “Game in Three Acts” concept for two larger pieces, and suprisingly, it works pretty well. I’d had some concerns about how the Homestar universe could be spread from three minute segments to four hour games, but the Brothers Chaps and Telltale did a pretty good job of keeping the game fresh even through two prolonged chapters.

Storywise, the plot centers around Strong Bad’s convoluted scheme to host a “Battle of the Bands” concert in order to raise money to repair his broken console. The process of actually gathering the bands up is kind of protracted and loses steam fairly quickly, but it has its moments, including a hillarious food related love song from Homestar and the formation of a fake Indie rock band called “Security.” The concerts themselves, however, end up being extremely satisfying.

In fact, the thing Baddest of the Bands does better than any of the other Strong Bad games so far, is giving each character from the Homestar Universe something to do. It was nice to see the writing team more comfortable with giving each character something different to do instead of having them just standing around, a testiment, I think, to how comfortable TellTale has gotten with expanding their games inside this somewhat limited universe.

Extra Features:

There’sno Teen Girls Squad this month, which is a bit of a disappointment (well, they’re there, but it’s not interactive). I can understand not wanting to overplay the concept, but there were plenty of opportunities for them in this setting. This month’s “Atari-esque” game, a sort of Limozeen-themed Chopper Resque game, is actually a much better game than either Snake Boxer or Math Kickers, but is only available after the episode is over.

You can, of course, still find the hidden items throughout the stages as usual, and I think they’ve started to find a happy medium between making them easy to find, but still providing the player with a little challenge. Thankfully, the warning to stop checking over areas with your metal detector has returned, ending the last game’s frustrating, and ultimately fruitless, pixel hunting. If there’s no more hidden items on the screen, Strong Bad will clue you in.

Technical:

A few minor audio bugs, especially relating to the looping of the songs during the contest sprung up here and there. But otherwise, the early versions of these games seem to be more polished and tested than the Sam and Max ones. I can’t say as I’ve ever encountered a crippling error playing through one of these titles, which is quite refreshing.

Graphics:

I’m still not sold on the 3-D models of a few of the characters. Some of them that we haven’t seen in motion much (lke Coach Z and Bubs) don’t really transition very smoothly, and Strong Sad still looks slightly off. Overall, however, the character models are still well done.

A lot of effort was put into making the stages for the different bands, and I think the work paid off in the end. The backgrounds are still very spartan, by nature, as compared to the Sam and Max series, but they’re still nice looking and there are a few easy to miss jokes here and there lurking in the backgrounds that fans will appreciate.

Sound:

Vocally, it’s strong as usual. Matt and Missy deliver their lines with their usual chemistry and commedic timing. For whatever reason, Coach Z has drifted back to sounding not quite right, but the other characters match up perfectly. The Limozeen voices, in particular, are fantastic and it was nice to see TellTale take advantage of them in this game.

The songs are predictably bad/good depending on how you feel about the Homestar Universe’s musical talents. All the usual suspects are involved, and they all hit their individual comedic notes pretty well. Since they were already using Limozeen, it would’ve been nice to have a new track from them, but as it is, I think you’ll enjoy the musical stylings offered here.

Replay Value:

Not as much as you’d think, really. There are the requisite side quests and things to do once the game is over, but mostly it’s just playing the Limozeen game and picking up whatever stray pieces of fluff you didn’t get during the initial gameplay. I know that the games are meant to be very simple, efficient timewasters, but for a 3-4 hour experience, it’d be nice to have some alternative dialog trees or puzzle solutions to make a second playthrough worthwhile.

Final Score: 7.5/10

I keep feeling like TellTale is almost there with this series. It’s a perfect pick-up and play setting, but the characters and stories you can tell inside the universe are surprisingly deep. Baddest of the Bands does a great job fleshing out a single story and playing it for as much comedy as possible, but ultimately, it doesn’t feel as satisfying as it should when you finish.

It’s an interesting balance that must be struck, and one I think they struggled with, especially in the first season of the Sam and Max games, in so far as making every game fun, but giving the player that feeling of accomplishment once they finish. Baddest of the Bands kind of reminds me of a Weird Al original song. Amusing, entertaining, and arguably better written than any of his parodies, but really just fluff to fill out a catalog, and thus pretty skippable.

But I think the improvements made in the series to date prove that there are better games on the horizon, and given that next month’s topic, Dangeresque 3, is something that fans of the cartoon have been eagerly anticipating for years, I think it’s probably going to be next month that we see them finally take that leap forward from “engaging timewaster” to “legitimate game.”

If you’re interested in taking a look at the game, you can download a copy of the PC Demo at the TellTale Website.

1. Tennessee Titans: The Good: The Titans are a stunning 7-0. The Bad: This is the most unlike 7-0 team ever. The Ugly: Kerry Collins, starting quarterback. Last Week: 1

2. New York Giants: The Good: They got back on the winning track against the Steelers. The Bad: They played really horribly. The Ugly: Plaxico Burress continuing to find ways not to bother playing. Last Week: 3

3. Pittsburgh Steelers: The Good: Pittsburgh didn’t embarass themselves, they’ve got a good running game. The Bad: They still had trouble moving the ball. The Ugly: How’s about training another long snapper? Last Week: 2

4. Carolina Panthers: The Good: Steve Smith is just an animal, and maybe the best reciever in the NFL right now. The Bad: The Panthers can’t stay healthy, and car accidents aren’t helping. The Ugly: Their first half against the Cardinals was really, really, really awful. Last Week: 7

5. Washington Redskins: The Good: The Redskins are still one of the hottest teams in the NFL behind Clinton Portis. The Bad: Jim Zorn is still a little bit crazy. The Ugly: They almost lost to The Lions. Last Week: 10

6. New England Patriots: The Good: They finally played all phases of the game to beat the Rams. The Bad: Their defense still looks extremely shoddy. The Ugly: Even if they do make the playoffs, they’re going to get blown out. Last Week: 12

7. Green Bay Packers: The Good: The bye gave Aaron Rodgers a chance to rest his dead arm. The Bad: Those sore shoulders usually stiffen up after a week of inactivity. The Ugly: The Packers defense is still minus at least four starters. Last Week: 9

8. Dallas Cowboys: The Good: Roy Williams put the Cowboys back in the saddle. The Bad: That last pun, also their defense. The Ugly: The Wade Phillips-Brad Johnson connection. Last Week: 14

9. Buffalo Bills: The Good: The Bills are still in contention in the East. The Bad: They won’t stay there if they keep playing this sloppy. The Ugly: Giving up 175 yards to…Ted Ginn?! Last Week: 4

10. Chicago Bears: The Good: A week of rest is just what the doctor ordered for…pretty much the whole team. The Bad: Most of those injuries won’t fully heal in a week. The Ugly: The neckbeard brothers are looking playoff bound again. Last Week: 11

11. Arizona Cardinals: The Good: Anquan Boldin showed no signs of slowing down after being out with a fractured sinus. The Bad: They still couldn’t muster enough offense to win. The Ugly: The words “Fractured Sinus.” Ugh. Last Week: 5

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The Good: Antonio Bryant continues to shine in his NFL return. The Bad: The Bucs still haven’t found a quarterback who lasts more than a week at a time. The Ugly: I noticed this week that Chris Hovan is a team captain. Really guys? Last Week: 6

13. New Orleans Saints: The Good: The Saints got to thrill the English crowd with an offensive explosion. The Bad: They lost a home game in the process. The Ugly: There’s going to be some major jet lag at practice this week. Last Week: 22

14. Denver Broncos: The Good: Denver got a bye to figure out how to right their ship. The Bad: A week is probably not long enough to get it all together. The Ugly: They’ll still probably win the AFC West. Last Week: 16

15. Philadelphia Eagles: The Good: Brian Westbrook was off the injury report for at least four quarters this year. The Bad: Philly’s still not playing great in any facet of the game. The Ugly: Does Andy Reid look totally despondant to anyone else? Last Week: 19

16. Atlanta Falcons: The Good: The Falcons are still playing on a level pretty much nobody expected. The Bad: Their season has been a pretty major rollercoaster. The Ugly: Notable cripple Brian Westbrook pretty much destroyed them singlehandedly. Last Week: 8

17. Baltimore Ravens: The Good: Wildcat Offense! Joe Flacco as a receiver! Take that, Brian Billick! The Bad: It worked this week, but I don’t think that’s a very sound gameplan. The Ugly: Even though he made the catch, Flacco runs routes like a quarterback. Last Week: 17

18. Indianapolis Colts: The Good: Peyton Manning has found other targets than Marvin Harrison and Dallas Clark this year. The Bad: Many of them have been playing for the other team. The Ugly: Looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mannings! Last Week: 15

19. Jacksonville Jaguars: The Good: Jacksonville still has one of the best running back tandems in the NFL. The Bad: In what should’ve been a bye week, they got beat by Cleveland. The Ugly: Seriously, though, Cleveland. Last Week: 18

20. New York Jets: The Good: Gunslinging Brett Favre put the Jets in a position to win the game. The Bad: Gunslinging Brett Favre put the Jets in a position to lose the game. The Ugly: Gunslinging Brett Favre winning this game. Last Week: 20

21. Miami Dolphins: The Good: Chad Pennington learning patience and control all over again in Miami. The Bad: Miami’s still got some terrible players. The Ugly: Ted Ginn exploding for 175 yards, unnaturally raising expectations of him even more. Last Week: 23

22. Houston Texans: The Good: Houston has its third win in three weeks. The Bad: They lost all the other games prior to this. The Ugly: Houston’s offensive line is still not very good. Last Week: 25

23. San Diego Chargers: The Good: They got a free trip to England! The Bad: They lost in pretty convincing fashion. The Ugly: Pretty much everybody on this team except Phillip Rivers and Chris Chambers. Last Week: 21

24. Minnesota Vikings: The Good: The Vikings had a bye week to circle the wagons in a still achievable NFC North. The Bad: Kevin and Pat Williams face a four game suspension, leaving the Vikings with…zero defensive tackles. The Ugly: A 340lb guy taking water pills to cut weight. Last Week: 22

25. Saint Louis Rams: The Good: They lost, but they’re still competing. The Bad: Their defense is back to being really, really suspect. The Ugly: The NFL not allowing the Rams to let Haslett keep his job as long as he keeps winning because of the “Rooney Rule.” Last Week: 24

26. Cleveland Browns: The Good: At 3-4, the Browns are somehow still in contention. The Bad: They’ll never beat the Steelers, so, not really. The Ugly: Kellen Winslow coming down with a mystery ailment every time his team even thinks about losing. Last Week: 28

27. Seattle Seahawks: The Good: Believe it or not, the Seahawks playcalling is actually getting better. The Bad: It’s still not going to be enough to win more than 7 games. The Ugly: That might be enough to win the NFC West. Last Week: 29

28. Oakland Raiders: The Good: JaMarcus Russel didn’t explode during pre-game warm-ups. The Bad: They still played like the Oakland Raiders. The Ugly: Johnny Lee Higgins fielding a kickoff and then running straight for the sidelines. WFT? Last Week: 26

29. San Francisco 49ers: The Good: Mike Singletary really seems to enjoy his job. The Bad: Vernon Davis throwing a temper tantrum and getting kicked off the field. The Ugly: This team is going to make Mike Singletary cry. Last Week: 27

30. Kansas City Chiefs: The Good: Tyler Thigpen having the game of his life on Sunday. The Bad: They still couldn’t beat the Jets. The Ugly: Even Dante Culpepper wants nothing to do with the Chiefs. Last Week: 30

31. Cincinnati Bengals: The Good: Carson Palmer swears he’ll be back to form this year. The Bad: That didn’t help them any earlier this season. The Ugly: Chad Ochocinco not being allowed to wear his jersey. Last Week: 31

32. Detroit Lions: The Good: The Lions came pretty close to winning another game. The Bad: They still didn’t win that game. The Ugly: The rest of their schedule doesn’t look particularily promising either. Last Week: 32

So, if you’re like me, you’re absolutely mind numbingly sick of all this election crap, and can’t wait until next Tuesday when it’ll all be over.Well, there are some unintended side effects of election season, that make it somewhat more bearable.

One, of course, has been Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, as demonstrated here a few weeks ago. And then there’s the crazy McCain lady, scratching backwards Bs into her face. In fact, for such a brutal election season, there has been quite a bit more humor than usual surrounding this year’s campaigns.

So, that’s what makes These Viral Video Campaigns for the new Comand and Conquer so fitting. Staring that guy who played Juno’s dad and JJ in Spiderman as a no-nonsense, dickish president. Well played, EA! Well played indeed.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World.

1. It’s Time for the World Series! Man, if you told me that it would be the Phillies and the “Rays” would be the last two teams standing, I’d have punched you in the mouth and called you a drunk. And I’d be right, of course, but so would you. Isn’t that weird?

2. Some Girl Really Hates Obama. McCain campaign worker Ashley Todd claimed that a man mugged her and carved a “B” (for “Barack, presumable, not an “O” for Obama, and backwards for some reason). She was, of course, lying. Look, I don’t know what she thought this was going to accomplish, other than giving me a really cool idea for a modern adaptation of The Scarlet Letter.

3. Axl Rose Bought You a Drink. Remember when I said a few months ago, that if Guns N Roses’ oft postponed “Chinese Democracy” album was released this year, that Axl Rose would buy everyone in America a Doctor Pepper? Well, go to their website right now and sign up for a coupon, because “Chinese Democracy” drops November 23rd. Delicious!

4. Palin Appears on SNL. It’s the kind of lame, skit-tastic kind of thing that would only happen in this particular election. I have to admit, seeing Sarah Palin palling around with the noted Democrats of Saturday Night Live, and willing to take a few shots at herself in the process was a nice distraction from the nastiness of this election.

5. LF Kicker for Football Team. Will Pay. PST. A few weeks after winning a free month’s rent at halftime of the Texas Tech football game, TT Student Matt Williams has earned a try out with the team. Williams hit a 30 yard field goal to win the rent, and after both their current kickers flopped badly, Williams shot to the top of the list of potential replacements. All I ever got at halftime of a football game was beer dumped into my lap, so this guy is my new hero.

Last Week: It was time for the Satireversary, so everybody had a piece of the grossest cake ever. For some reason, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” thought that making Chris Jericho fight CM Punk was punishment. Also, Johnny Knoxville got beat up by The Great Khali. What lame celebrity will show up…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Kelly Kelly Kelly and Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Jillian Hall & Katie Lea Burchill

Oh boy! The girls will be involved in another Cyber Sunday costume contest. I hope Beth comes dressed up as Edgeworth again this year. For some reason, Kelly is going dressed as a sailor, which I can only imagine is a shout-out to the sinking of the U.S.S. Arizona, and the PPV is Phoenix! It all makes sense! Boobsie is still not a particularly good wrestler. Kelly, however, is getting better looking every time I see her. Or better wrestling. One of those two things. Maybe Kelly can show up on Life on Mars or something. Anyway, Kelly kicks Jillian for the win. Yay?

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Chris Jericho is in the ring, and he’s pissed that Lillian Garcia can’t remember who he is. I think you’re probably…several years too late on that boat, Chris. Though, I don’t know, maybe you can get after Jim Ross at the PPV too.

Chris Jericho: Ok, seriously, though. I’ve been back now for a while, so can we please try to get this locked down, Lillian? Thanks. Now, Cyber Sunday is coming up, and I have to say I’m not really all that pumped up about this one. I mean, doesn’t the lame fan gimmick kind of scream TNA to you guys? Well, whatever. Look, Nobody in this company is particularly invested in making me look good as the champion, and what more can I say about the choice of referees? It’s basically just a list of voting for how much you hate Chris Jericho. Nobody’s going to vote for the one guy on the list who hates me but is, at least, a heel, Randy Orton. So you’ve basically got Shawn Michaels, who I just spent the last six months feuding with, or Stone Cold Steve Austin, who I think still has some major lingering hatred from back when he was Austinberg. I mean, I guess Austin will probably Stunner us both….

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I do not respect YOU!

Jericho: No respect, I tell ya. No respect!

Batista: Maybe if you beat ME!

Jericho: Look, gaining the respect of a guy named “Dave” is not really high up on my To Do list, ok?

Mike Adamle: That’s it, you guys! I’ve heard enough! Tonight, Chad Ochocinco and The Tista will be running THE GAUNTLET! That’s right, we’re going to line up three of our toughest Gladiators, give them foam blocking pads, and let them have at you as you try to race to the end of the course. It’s a little event we here at Gladiator Arena like to call, THE GAUNTLET!

Batista: I like your STYLE!

Jericho: I can name at least 1002 things wrong about this segment.

Then, Jericho slaps Batista. I can’t blame him.

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John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Stone Cold Steve Haastin

Bradshaw whines for a little bit about having to wrestle Charlie Haas every week, so who does he have to wrestle this week? Charlie Haas. Ok, so Haas looks absolutely nothing like Austin, but? He has the mannerisms down perfectly. He even has the same twitch as Austin going through the ropes. Oh, to put Charlie Haas’ mind into Val Venis’ body. What a costly and awesome surgery! Quick! Somebody call Dr. James Andrews! Or…At least WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman. Haas goes for the Stunner trying to open up a can of “whipped ass,” but JBL counters by not being stupid. Bradshaw wins! Match of the Year!

Backstage, Rey Misterio is trying to find some left over cake. Isn’t he supposed to be paralyzed? Was I supposed to forget about that?

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Rey Misterio vs. Abe Orton

Every time he comes out, I’m kind of shocked, because I always forget that Abe is still on the roster. Rey requested this match because Abe is vaguely the same size and shape of Kane. Hey, it worked for Jamie Noble! Besides, how better to prepare for a true main eventer like Kane then by beating up a guy who can’t even get his own WWE.com show. It could be about manly jaws and the people who love them, Joey Styles! That’s sure to drive up the hit counter. On…your Geocities page from 1997, which is apparently what I think WWE.com is. Rey wins, of course.

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You know who loves John Cena? Rob Thomas and The Jonas Brothers. That’s pretty much my niece’s dream date right there.

John Morrison and Mike Mizanin vs. CM Punk and Kofi Kingston

SOS! He is Shelton! Geez, what happened to Kofi, anyway? Ever since he lost the Intercontinental Title, he hasn’t done a damn thing. This is, of course, made even worse by the fact that he still hasn’t learned any new hot Jamaican dance moves. The Thunder Clap will only get you so far with me, dude. I’m really confused as to why this match is even taking place, because Miz and Morrison aren’t even on this show, and when they are, it’s just to feud with Cryme Tyme. Not all black people are the same, guys.

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What match? Oh, that match. Kofi Kingston jumps around like he always does, and Miz is wearing a hat. That’s about all that’s happened in this match so far, except for a Chinlock earlier. So I wouldn’t feel to bad about me not telling you anything about what’s going on. Punk with the GTS, but Miz rolls him up for the win. What is this, The X-Division? Ok, I swear, no more TNA jokes. Mick Foley! Ok. Now I’m done. Anyway, it’s nice to see them treating former World Champion CM Punk with the respect that he deserves. Mike Tenay!

Backstage…

Mike Adamle: I’m trying to work the words UFC Universe more into my dialog, Chad.

Chris Jericho: Mike, that’s not…Oh, never mind. Look, I’m the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, right?

Adamle: Are you asking me? Because I honestly have no idea.

Jericho: No…Ye…I am. Ok? And I don’t deserve to be treated like a patsy, just holding the title until you guys can come together and figure out what to do with the belt!

Adamle: You know, Chad, sometimes you sound just like CP Munk.

Jericho: And you know, I used to hate him, but now I see where he’s coming from. You know? I should be like the new Bret Hart or something.

Adamle: A terrible drawing, bitter old man?

Jericho: Yeah, you know? Have something to shoot for.

Adamle: UFC Universe, Chris. Think about it.

Jericho: I…will?

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Now, Santino Marella and Beth are in the ring. Oh, boy! Are they going to fight?

Santino Marella: I know-a what you-a are thinking-a! But, no-a! Team Glamerella-a is not going-a to fight-a! Instead, we’re-a going to make- the fun of all-a the old people-a they want-a me to fight-a at Cyber Sunday-a.

Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! Nobody wants to hear about old guys grabbing each other! They want to see me unveil my totally hot Franziscka Von Karma cosplay!

Santino: No, they-a do not-a! Look at-a my opponents-a! Rodney The Piper-a, whose only achievement-a of late has-a been appearing-a on the Jimmy Kimmel-a show more times than-a Sarah Silverman-a! I’d break-a his hips-a! Or Goldendust-a! What a joke-a! Dustin Rhodes-a keeps showing-a up at our-a doorstep begging-a for money-a! Don’t enable-a him! And the Honkey Donkey Man-a? Don’t make-a me laugh-a! What a joke-a! He’ll be-a too busy-a whining on his blog-a to wrestle that-a night!

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Now hold on there, Tough Guy! What are you doing out here making fun of old people? I’ll have you know I’m an old person, and I don’t much care for all this!

Santino: Hacksaw, quit-a trying to save-a the good name-a of old people-a any time we-a try to make-a fun of them-a. You always-a make old-a people look even worse-a, because you’re-a the most pathetic-a one of them-a all!

Duggan: That’s true! HOOOOOOOOO!

Santino: You see-a, WWE Universe-a? This is-a the kind of crap-a that I have-a to go through-a every week-a! Hacksaw Jim Duggan-a? Really Freddie Prinze-a? This is the bastion-a of hope for the elderly-a of America?

Beth: OBJECTION! When I grow old, I’m going to be a judge, not a fat old man in saggy tights.

Santino: You’d-a bee surprised-a!

Duggan: How’s this for a surprise? USA! USA! USA!

Then Santino hits himself in the head with a guitar so he doesn’t have to endure any more of this. I should’ve thought of that six years ago.

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Cryme Tyme vs. The Tough Guys (w/ Manu)

So is Manu a Tag Team champion or no? Maybe he’s a tag team champion at heart. You know, I wonder if there’s anybody in WWE that wants John Cena to come back more than Cryme Tyme. Their push has kind of just…dissolved. And speaking of dissolving pushes, Manu and the Tough Guys all jump into the ring and beat up Cryme Tyme. Manu, you’re not in this match! Manu! No! Oh well, I guess that’s a disqualification. Manu and the Tough Guys bail out and head back to their exciting lives of crime fighting, while Cryme Tyme…Hey! I smell a TV Series! Call me My Network! You’ve got nothing better to put on and you know it.

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Actually, I kind of miss the Telenovellas.

Here’s Chris Jericho out for the Gauntlet!

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. William Regal (w/ Layla El)

Awww, I guess they’re not going to run through a padded course after all. I haven’t been this disappointed since the conclusion to the Manu and the Tough Guys match. Shut up. I have a really, really, really short attention span. What were we talking about again? You know, I just bought a new computer, so I’m kind of rushing this thing so I can get it out before RAW starts next week. Does anybody know anything about “Vista?” Dave wins with a OSPREY BOMB TO WILLIAM REGAL in about ten seconds. Uh…Yeah. Way to protect the third best heel on RAW, dudes.

Mike Adamle: Chad Ochocinco! I…forget the rules of this match. So…Have at it?

Chris Jericho vs. William Regal (w/ Layla El)

Jericho hits the Codebreaker for the win. Well, thanks for showing up tonight, William. I wonder if Layla is starting to regret her decision to hook up with Regal now. Jamie Noble would’ve lasted at least a minute with these guys. I think WWE is really missing the boat here, because Regal is a vampire, and vampires are totally hot right now. What between True Blood and Twilight! Having William Regal on the show practically guarantees a Anna Paquin nude scene! Whatever.

Adamle: Ok, I think I’ve figured out what’s going on here. Ok, now somebody else come out here! I think!

Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlus)

I suddenly feel like grilling. And then combing Mark Henry’s beard. Maybe we could braid it. And then he could come back as a pirate and form a stable with Paul Burchill. Why do ECW guys get to appear on every show anyway? I think if I had to join any roster right now, I’d pick ECW, because I’d get five hours of possible TV time every week. I wonder why Hunter hasn’t figured this out yet. Anyway, Henry is too fat for Jericho to do anything with, so he just hits him with the belt and leaves. Henry wins!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlus)

I’m not so sure I like this gauntlet thing. Unless it’s HHH brilliantly forcing himself to have eight matches in one night for no real reason. Mark Henry is still floundering from that hit by a thin strip of metal from a buff guy like Chris Jericho, so Dave has no trouble sliding into the ring and hitting a spinebuster for the win. If you’re curious about the score and…apparently haven’t been reading the column up to this point, The Tista is ahead 2-1, and with only one match left, I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Mike Adamle: I really don’t care for Chad Ochocinco that much, so I’m glad this is the way the Gauntlet is going. Even though I’m pretty sure that somebody should be firing tennis balls at The Tista or hitting Marge Honore with a Q-Tip, but I guess that’s why I’m just the General Manager, and not the Senior General Manager here on Nitro. Anyway, this show needs more Kane.

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Chris Jericho vs. Kane

How come Kane doesn’t have a manager. That’s not cool. Lita couldn’t be that busy these days could she? Don’t tell me The Luchagores took off after I stopped paying attention. Which was almost immediately. Anyway, Jericho and Kane have a pretty good little match for a while, which makes Rey Misterio’s efforts against him look pretty pathetic. And I don’t even want to start getting into how bad that makes Abe look. Kane with a kick to the head finishes Jericho off for the win. Kane wins! Kane should be the number one contender but he won’t!

It’s still 2-1, Tista. So…This match should be over, but it’s not.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Kane

Batista gets a spear for the win. So, I guess they didn’t waste a whole lot more time anyway. Dave’s still a jerk for rubbing it in, though. Afterwards, Dave tries paging through his dictionary so that he can teach Jericho about a little word called Respect, but Jericho’s already left with his title, so Dave throws a temper tantrum, accidentally killing Todd Grisham. Todd Grisham has fallen. The Tista is inconsolable until Tough Enough Jessie runs down to the ring and whacks him over the head with a golf club.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: The fans will vote for all the wrong things, and somehow Sarah Palin will wind up ECW Champion. Alexis Laree will show up on screen for more than ten seconds, look moderately attractive, and then lose to Beth Phoenix. And Stone Cold Steve Austin will referee the Jericho/Batista match, Stunner them both, and drink beer for the best No Decision ever. EVER!

With the latest patch, World of Warcraft added Achievements. These little mini-quests score a character points, which can be compared with other player’s points, in some kind of vast dick measuring contest (well…moreso than World of Warcraft already is, I guess). They’re kind of like XBox’s Live Achievements, but…more pointless. It’s not really fair to say that Achievements do absolutely nothing, some give you new honor titles or vanity pets, but…they do pretty much nothing.

But we here at Hock Show Dot Com like to embrace every pointless and stupid addition to our favorite game, so let’s give our weekly review of WoW zones and take a look at my ten favorite rejected achievements.

1. Making Genocide Fun! (Kill every creature in World of Warcraft). 10 pts. They don’t mean one of every type, they mean litterally every possible creature from every possible spawn point. Somebody actually got this during the beta, but he was immediately desolved by a bar of soap afterwards.

2. Dude, Where’s My Corpse? (Die in such a way that you cannot reach your corpse to rez). 5 pts. We’ve all been here, haven’t we? This was the achievement for the every man, who accidentally jumps off a cliff, and lands on a tree, and can’t get back up to the same spot to retrieve his corpse.

3. dUdez WFT sgIN my chrater! 5g (Join a Guild that is banned for violation of the WoW Naming Policy) 5 pts. This wasn’t allowed because too many guild names that violated the WoW Naming Policy were never banned to begin with, so the achievement became nigh impossible to attain.

4. WTS Achievements PST (Be ignored by 10 or more people for spamming actual trade messages in Trade Chat) 10 pts. Nobody has actually used trade chat for spamming actual trade messages in almost three years.

5. What a Fine Lass! (Create a Female Dwarf) 100 pts. Even with this achievement being worth so many points, nobody could be convinced that creating a dwarf female was a good idea.

6. Defeat the Burning Region (Use abilities, spells, or potions to cure 100 STDs) 10 pts This achievement was removed after the “Brothel” building was replaced by barbershops during the beta. They didn’t change the economy, however, which explains why a frigging mustache costs 5 gold.

7. Sick Day (Play World of Warcraft for 72 Hours Straight). 5 pts. In addition to the obvious negative impact this would have on thier Korean power gaming fandom (who already sit at internet cafes for 48 hours straight playing WoW and not eating), most Warcraft players are jobless and have no concept of the phrase “Sick Day.”

8. Hello? Customer Service? (Let a GM know about that glitchy squirrel you saw in Elwyn Forrest) 10pts. GMs in beta were quickly flooded with reports of every single Kobold or rabbit with a hair out of place, and forgot to fix the game, which explains the patch.

9. I Survived! (Last Through The Patch Nightmare of 2008). 5 pts. Surviving hourly crashes, game freezes, enemy glitches, and the complete shutdowns of battlegrounds on every server just wasn’t cool enough for its own achievement, I guess, though the people trying to do thier frigging quests would beg to differ. Not that I’m bitter.

10. Leaving Azeroth. (Quit Playing World of Warcraft). 25 Pts. This achievement was deamed to be too easy.

1. Tennessee Titans: Lendale White ran for a billion yards on Sunday, which is pretty amazing considering that I’m pretty sure that I’m in better shape than Lendale White and the most I’ve ever run is to the kitchen. Which is, like, ten feet away. Last Week: 1

2. Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers beat the Bengals yet again on Sunday and…Lean in and let me tell you a little secret. Nobody cares. Sorry. I don’t even think Steelers fans were paying much attention. Last Week: 2

3. New York Giants: A week after a tough loss against the Browns, the Giants are back in command of the NFC East. Tough matchup this week, however, as they travel to Pittsburgh and Eli and Plax continue to try to hug it out. Last Week: 3

4. Buffalo Bills: Buffalo is making its case as one of the elite teams in the AFC with win after shocking win. This is made all the more impressive, since Marshawn Lynch is slowly morphing into a Troll Doll. Last Week: 5

5. Arizona Cardinals: Arizona officially “controls” its own destiny in the NFC West, which is sports talk for “they’re totally going to lose it on the last play of the season, because that’s what these kinds of teams do.” Last Week: 4

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Antonio Bryant finally showed up in a box score for the first time in his career. This was an especially big boost for my fantasy football team, finally putting to rest the question, “Why the hell did I draft Antonio Bryant?” Last Week: 6

7. Carolina Panthers: The most troubling aspect of Carolina’s win on Sunday was the injury to fullback Brad Hoover. Not because he was such a big part of their offense, but because of his vow to spend his time out hanging with Matt Jones. Last Week: 10

8. Atlanta Falcons: The bye week must have been tough for Falcons fans, who were just starting to get used to the idea that something called “football” was being played on Sundays in Atlanta again. Last Week: 7

9. Green Bay Packers: Word broke this week that Brett Favre attempted to slip the Packers signal calls to the Detroit Lions before their game a few weeks ago. Unfortunately for Favre and the Lions, Aaron Rodgers still hasn’t learned the call for “crippling interception.” Last Week: 17

10. Washington Redskins: So how about Clinton Portis? The Redskins one weapon continues to shine in a year when NFL running backs are falling apart faster than, well, the Redskins most years. Last Week: 12

11. Chicago Bears: On the plus side, a limited Bears attack capitalized on key special teams plays and scored 48 points. On the downside, their defense is still hooooooorible. Last Week: 21

12. New England Patriots: It is the question that has haunted man for all time. How do you win without a quarterback and with a bored receiving corps? Thankfully, offensive genius Bill Bellichick has learned how to run the ball and play defense. Last Week: 15

13. New Orleans Saints: So, was Reggie Bush’s shelving just another in a long line of unfortunate injuries to occur in the NFL this season, or do we have to deal with a more sinister problem: The Curse of Kim Kardasian? Last Week: 22

14. Dallas Cowboys: Wow…Hahahaha…I mean…Losing to the Rams, huh? I know you couldn’t expect much from Brad Johnson, but if I were Wade Phillips, I’d be hiding under my jowels right about now. Last Week: 8

15. Indianapolis Colts: It’s two steps forward, one step back for the Colts, who suffered from a serious case of the Manning Face this week. One week after torching a pretty good Ravens team, they got pretty well schooled by the oft injured Packers. Last Week: 9

16. Denver Broncos: The Broncos looked downright average during their blowout loss to New England. On the upside, they’re leading the AFC West. On the downside, the AFC West is really, really, really terrible. Last Week: 11

17. Baltimore Ravens: Back up to 17th this week, after a less than thrilling victory over the Miami Dolphins. I wish I had something more exciting to say about the Ravens, but I just dozed off right there thinking of that last sentance. Last Week: 23

18. Jacksonville Jaguars: Matt Jones still hasn’t been suspended by the league or the Jaguars, despite being arrested for possession of cocaine earlier this year. This is probably because Roger Goodell doesn’t believe there are any white wide recievers in the NFL. Last Week: 20

19. Philadelphia Eagles: During the Eagles’ bye week, many important things were discussed. Things like Chunky Soup, where the end zone is, and whether or not three wins is good enough to pack it in for the rest of the season. Last Week: 16

20. New York Jets: Brett Favre, in an overtime loss? Say it isn’t so! About the most amusing thing about that game, however, was the resolute desire of all the Jets not to win that game at any cost. Last Week: 13

21. San Diego Chargers: The Chargers are really starting to show the wear and tear of not having LaDanian Tomlinson, which…wait…he is playing? Wow. They just suck then. Last Week: 19

22. Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings offense really came alive to score 41 points, a feat that many believed Brad Childress was not capable of. Unfortunately, it also came in a losing effort. Last Week: 18

23. Miami Dolphins: Chad Pennington is still playing way better than he has any right to, but the Dolphins are slowly slipping off the precipise and back into mediocrity. They hope to be re-energized by this week’s introduction of the Wildcat Defense. Last Week: 19

24. Saint Louis Rams: From worst to…24th, the Rams are getting it done, destroying the Cowboys in the most hillarious game in NFL history. Up next, New England, continuing their tour of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL. Last Week: 29

25. Houston Texans: The Texans pulled off another thrilling win, giving them…two. On the year. But two wins is two more wins than zero, so…Yeah, I’m tired of trying to pump up the Houston Texans. Sorry. Last Week: 26

26. Oakland Raiders: Somehow, miraculously, the Raiders managed to win an overtime game this weekend. To celebrate, the players took turns trying to spell, Nnamdi Asomugha. Last Week: 28

27. San Francisco 49ers: Poor Mike Nolan and his awesome suits were finally shown the door in San Fransisco, who hopes to follow the example of the Rams in pulling themselves out of awful and into the ranks of the just pretty bad. Last Week: 24

28. Cleveland Browns: Sure, they beat the Giants, but that might be their last win of the season. Oh, wait, they play the Bengals again yet, don’t they? Anyway, rumors are that Brady Quinn might get a start this week, so set your TiVos for…any other game, pretty much. Last Week: 25

29. Seattle Seahawks: Well, Seneca Wallace returned to the field this week. I’ll leave it for you to decide whether or not that’s a good thing. Mike Holmgren is clearly already out on the beach, and he’s been replaced by a cleverly disguised walrus. Last Week: 27

30. Kansas City Chiefs: The team is threatening suspension against Larry Johnson for his third domestic violence report this season. Johnson responded by begging coach Herm Edwards to please suspend him. Last Week: 29

31. Cincinnati Bengals: Andre Caldwell might be out for the rest of the season thanks to a broken foot. I just think it’s funny that even the Bengals recievers that aren’t playing can’t buy a break this year. Last Week: 30

32. Detroit Lions: You could probably make the case that the Lions are actually nominally better than the Bengals this season. But the Bengals didn’t need Brett Favre’s help to remain winless. Last Week: 31

Look, whatever, ok? I just bought a new computer, and I’m more focused on getting it to run…like…solitare, then YouTube right now.

So here’s a public service announcement masquerading as a popular YouTube video.

Let it never be said that I can’t be forced into doing my civic duty.