Last Week: It was time for the Satireversary, so everybody had a piece of the grossest cake ever. For some reason, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” thought that making Chris Jericho fight CM Punk was punishment. Also, Johnny Knoxville got beat up by The Great Khali. What lame celebrity will show up…TONIGHT?!
Kelly Kelly Kelly and Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Jillian Hall & Katie Lea Burchill
Oh boy! The girls will be involved in another Cyber Sunday costume contest. I hope Beth comes dressed up as Edgeworth again this year. For some reason, Kelly is going dressed as a sailor, which I can only imagine is a shout-out to the sinking of the U.S.S. Arizona, and the PPV is Phoenix! It all makes sense! Boobsie is still not a particularly good wrestler. Kelly, however, is getting better looking every time I see her. Or better wrestling. One of those two things. Maybe Kelly can show up on Life on Mars or something. Anyway, Kelly kicks Jillian for the win. Yay?
Chris Jericho is in the ring, and he’s pissed that Lillian Garcia can’t remember who he is. I think you’re probably…several years too late on that boat, Chris. Though, I don’t know, maybe you can get after Jim Ross at the PPV too.
Chris Jericho: Ok, seriously, though. I’ve been back now for a while, so can we please try to get this locked down, Lillian? Thanks. Now, Cyber Sunday is coming up, and I have to say I’m not really all that pumped up about this one. I mean, doesn’t the lame fan gimmick kind of scream TNA to you guys? Well, whatever. Look, Nobody in this company is particularly invested in making me look good as the champion, and what more can I say about the choice of referees? It’s basically just a list of voting for how much you hate Chris Jericho. Nobody’s going to vote for the one guy on the list who hates me but is, at least, a heel, Randy Orton. So you’ve basically got Shawn Michaels, who I just spent the last six months feuding with, or Stone Cold Steve Austin, who I think still has some major lingering hatred from back when he was Austinberg. I mean, I guess Austin will probably Stunner us both….
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I do not respect YOU!
Jericho: No respect, I tell ya. No respect!
Batista: Maybe if you beat ME!
Jericho: Look, gaining the respect of a guy named “Dave” is not really high up on my To Do list, ok?
Mike Adamle: That’s it, you guys! I’ve heard enough! Tonight, Chad Ochocinco and The Tista will be running THE GAUNTLET! That’s right, we’re going to line up three of our toughest Gladiators, give them foam blocking pads, and let them have at you as you try to race to the end of the course. It’s a little event we here at Gladiator Arena like to call, THE GAUNTLET!
Batista: I like your STYLE!
Jericho: I can name at least 1002 things wrong about this segment.
Then, Jericho slaps Batista. I can’t blame him.
John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Stone Cold Steve Haastin
Bradshaw whines for a little bit about having to wrestle Charlie Haas every week, so who does he have to wrestle this week? Charlie Haas. Ok, so Haas looks absolutely nothing like Austin, but? He has the mannerisms down perfectly. He even has the same twitch as Austin going through the ropes. Oh, to put Charlie Haas’ mind into Val Venis’ body. What a costly and awesome surgery! Quick! Somebody call Dr. James Andrews! Or…At least WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman. Haas goes for the Stunner trying to open up a can of “whipped ass,” but JBL counters by not being stupid. Bradshaw wins! Match of the Year!
Backstage, Rey Misterio is trying to find some left over cake. Isn’t he supposed to be paralyzed? Was I supposed to forget about that?
Rey Misterio vs. Abe Orton
Every time he comes out, I’m kind of shocked, because I always forget that Abe is still on the roster. Rey requested this match because Abe is vaguely the same size and shape of Kane. Hey, it worked for Jamie Noble! Besides, how better to prepare for a true main eventer like Kane then by beating up a guy who can’t even get his own WWE.com show. It could be about manly jaws and the people who love them, Joey Styles! That’s sure to drive up the hit counter. On…your Geocities page from 1997, which is apparently what I think WWE.com is. Rey wins, of course.
You know who loves John Cena? Rob Thomas and The Jonas Brothers. That’s pretty much my niece’s dream date right there.
John Morrison and Mike Mizanin vs. CM Punk and Kofi Kingston
SOS! He is Shelton! Geez, what happened to Kofi, anyway? Ever since he lost the Intercontinental Title, he hasn’t done a damn thing. This is, of course, made even worse by the fact that he still hasn’t learned any new hot Jamaican dance moves. The Thunder Clap will only get you so far with me, dude. I’m really confused as to why this match is even taking place, because Miz and Morrison aren’t even on this show, and when they are, it’s just to feud with Cryme Tyme. Not all black people are the same, guys.
What match? Oh, that match. Kofi Kingston jumps around like he always does, and Miz is wearing a hat. That’s about all that’s happened in this match so far, except for a Chinlock earlier. So I wouldn’t feel to bad about me not telling you anything about what’s going on. Punk with the GTS, but Miz rolls him up for the win. What is this, The X-Division? Ok, I swear, no more TNA jokes. Mick Foley! Ok. Now I’m done. Anyway, it’s nice to see them treating former World Champion CM Punk with the respect that he deserves. Mike Tenay!
Mike Adamle: I’m trying to work the words UFC Universe more into my dialog, Chad.
Chris Jericho: Mike, that’s not…Oh, never mind. Look, I’m the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, right?
Adamle: Are you asking me? Because I honestly have no idea.
Jericho: No…Ye…I am. Ok? And I don’t deserve to be treated like a patsy, just holding the title until you guys can come together and figure out what to do with the belt!
Adamle: You know, Chad, sometimes you sound just like CP Munk.
Jericho: And you know, I used to hate him, but now I see where he’s coming from. You know? I should be like the new Bret Hart or something.
Adamle: A terrible drawing, bitter old man?
Jericho: Yeah, you know? Have something to shoot for.
Adamle: UFC Universe, Chris. Think about it.
Now, Santino Marella and Beth are in the ring. Oh, boy! Are they going to fight?
Santino Marella: I know-a what you-a are thinking-a! But, no-a! Team Glamerella-a is not going-a to fight-a! Instead, we’re-a going to make- the fun of all-a the old people-a they want-a me to fight-a at Cyber Sunday-a.
Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! Nobody wants to hear about old guys grabbing each other! They want to see me unveil my totally hot Franziscka Von Karma cosplay!
Santino: No, they-a do not-a! Look at-a my opponents-a! Rodney The Piper-a, whose only achievement-a of late has-a been appearing-a on the Jimmy Kimmel-a show more times than-a Sarah Silverman-a! I’d break-a his hips-a! Or Goldendust-a! What a joke-a! Dustin Rhodes-a keeps showing-a up at our-a doorstep begging-a for money-a! Don’t enable-a him! And the Honkey Donkey Man-a? Don’t make-a me laugh-a! What a joke-a! He’ll be-a too busy-a whining on his blog-a to wrestle that-a night!
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Now hold on there, Tough Guy! What are you doing out here making fun of old people? I’ll have you know I’m an old person, and I don’t much care for all this!
Santino: Hacksaw, quit-a trying to save-a the good name-a of old people-a any time we-a try to make-a fun of them-a. You always-a make old-a people look even worse-a, because you’re-a the most pathetic-a one of them-a all!
Duggan: That’s true! HOOOOOOOOO!
Santino: You see-a, WWE Universe-a? This is-a the kind of crap-a that I have-a to go through-a every week-a! Hacksaw Jim Duggan-a? Really Freddie Prinze-a? This is the bastion-a of hope for the elderly-a of America?
Beth: OBJECTION! When I grow old, I’m going to be a judge, not a fat old man in saggy tights.
Santino: You’d-a bee surprised-a!
Duggan: How’s this for a surprise? USA! USA! USA!
Then Santino hits himself in the head with a guitar so he doesn’t have to endure any more of this. I should’ve thought of that six years ago.
Cryme Tyme vs. The Tough Guys (w/ Manu)
For the WWE Tag Team Titles
So is Manu a Tag Team champion or no? Maybe he’s a tag team champion at heart. You know, I wonder if there’s anybody in WWE that wants John Cena to come back more than Cryme Tyme. Their push has kind of just…dissolved. And speaking of dissolving pushes, Manu and the Tough Guys all jump into the ring and beat up Cryme Tyme. Manu, you’re not in this match! Manu! No! Oh well, I guess that’s a disqualification. Manu and the Tough Guys bail out and head back to their exciting lives of crime fighting, while Cryme Tyme…Hey! I smell a TV Series! Call me My Network! You’ve got nothing better to put on and you know it.
Actually, I kind of miss the Telenovellas.
Here’s Chris Jericho out for the Gauntlet!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. William Regal (w/ Layla El)
Awww, I guess they’re not going to run through a padded course after all. I haven’t been this disappointed since the conclusion to the Manu and the Tough Guys match. Shut up. I have a really, really, really short attention span. What were we talking about again? You know, I just bought a new computer, so I’m kind of rushing this thing so I can get it out before RAW starts next week. Does anybody know anything about “Vista?” Dave wins with a OSPREY BOMB TO WILLIAM REGAL in about ten seconds. Uh…Yeah. Way to protect the third best heel on RAW, dudes.
Mike Adamle: Chad Ochocinco! I…forget the rules of this match. So…Have at it?
Chris Jericho vs. William Regal (w/ Layla El)
Jericho hits the Codebreaker for the win. Well, thanks for showing up tonight, William. I wonder if Layla is starting to regret her decision to hook up with Regal now. Jamie Noble would’ve lasted at least a minute with these guys. I think WWE is really missing the boat here, because Regal is a vampire, and vampires are totally hot right now. What between True Blood and Twilight! Having William Regal on the show practically guarantees a Anna Paquin nude scene! Whatever.
Adamle: Ok, I think I’ve figured out what’s going on here. Ok, now somebody else come out here! I think!
Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlus)
I suddenly feel like grilling. And then combing Mark Henry’s beard. Maybe we could braid it. And then he could come back as a pirate and form a stable with Paul Burchill. Why do ECW guys get to appear on every show anyway? I think if I had to join any roster right now, I’d pick ECW, because I’d get five hours of possible TV time every week. I wonder why Hunter hasn’t figured this out yet. Anyway, Henry is too fat for Jericho to do anything with, so he just hits him with the belt and leaves. Henry wins!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlus)
I’m not so sure I like this gauntlet thing. Unless it’s HHH brilliantly forcing himself to have eight matches in one night for no real reason. Mark Henry is still floundering from that hit by a thin strip of metal from a buff guy like Chris Jericho, so Dave has no trouble sliding into the ring and hitting a spinebuster for the win. If you’re curious about the score and…apparently haven’t been reading the column up to this point, The Tista is ahead 2-1, and with only one match left, I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Mike Adamle: I really don’t care for Chad Ochocinco that much, so I’m glad this is the way the Gauntlet is going. Even though I’m pretty sure that somebody should be firing tennis balls at The Tista or hitting Marge Honore with a Q-Tip, but I guess that’s why I’m just the General Manager, and not the Senior General Manager here on Nitro. Anyway, this show needs more Kane.
Chris Jericho vs. Kane
How come Kane doesn’t have a manager. That’s not cool. Lita couldn’t be that busy these days could she? Don’t tell me The Luchagores took off after I stopped paying attention. Which was almost immediately. Anyway, Jericho and Kane have a pretty good little match for a while, which makes Rey Misterio’s efforts against him look pretty pathetic. And I don’t even want to start getting into how bad that makes Abe look. Kane with a kick to the head finishes Jericho off for the win. Kane wins! Kane should be the number one contender but he won’t!
It’s still 2-1, Tista. So…This match should be over, but it’s not.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Kane
Batista gets a spear for the win. So, I guess they didn’t waste a whole lot more time anyway. Dave’s still a jerk for rubbing it in, though. Afterwards, Dave tries paging through his dictionary so that he can teach Jericho about a little word called Respect, but Jericho’s already left with his title, so Dave throws a temper tantrum, accidentally killing Todd Grisham. Todd Grisham has fallen. The Tista is inconsolable until Tough Enough Jessie runs down to the ring and whacks him over the head with a golf club.
Sunday Sunday Sunday: The fans will vote for all the wrong things, and somehow Sarah Palin will wind up ECW Champion. Alexis Laree will show up on screen for more than ten seconds, look moderately attractive, and then lose to Beth Phoenix. And Stone Cold Steve Austin will referee the Jericho/Batista match, Stunner them both, and drink beer for the best No Decision ever. EVER!