Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. It’s Black Friday! And most businesses aren’t expected to recoup their losses from this year. But there was a big rush, as always, and some people even died. And Chad Ochocinco bought Rock Band. Sorry, Ochocinco’s kids. I spoiled it. You’re getting Rock Band.

2. Batman Is Dead. Gunned down, as we always knew he would be, by a crazy man claiming to be Bruce Wayne’s father. Err…wait…What? Sure enough, DC finally killed off their second biggest comics franchise, at least for now. I can’t wait until all the imposter Batmans show up, and one of them is Shaq for some reason.

3. Congress Is Beginning to Think This “Election” Thing Wasn’t Such a Great Idea. Many Congressional leaders from “both sides of the aisle” are calling for George Bush to hand over power to Barack Obama, like, yesterday. Apparently, they don’t think it’s such a great idea for Bush to be coasting through the last two months of his Presidency, while the country waits for Obama to swoop in and save us in January. Huh.

4. Facebook Isn’t Buying Twitter After All. Thank God. I don’t need to know when everybody’s taking a crap. Ok? I’m sorry. I don’t care that you just ate a pecan. Now I can check my Facebook profile in pea-…Oh wait. Five of my friends just ate pecans.

5. The RickRoll Is Officially Over. A couple weeks after MTV trotted out Rick Astley for their “Woodie Awards” (don’t ask), Mr. Astley was asked to RickRoll the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Yes. The Thanksgiving Day Parade. Afterwards, the Snoopy Balloon swooped in, and carried Mr. Astley back into obscurity.

Last Night: John Cena shocked absolutely no one by winning the WWE World Heavyweight Title. Edge shocked just about everyone by growing a pretty badass beard. Also, Randy Orton made everybody in every other match fall over, making him the sole survivor. Who will survive…TONIGHT?!

Hey, you know who was a Survivor? Survivor Ashley! Anyway, it’s my birthday today, folks, and I don’t have time for any of these people, so let’s get started. Shane McMahon is just showing up, and for the first time ever, he actually cares that he was late. Maybe he was celebrating my birthday?

Shane McMahon: I suddenly felt like buying a bunch of alcohol for no reason.

Shad Gaspard: That…makes sense. You may pass.

JTG: Never show up late again, though.

Dolph Ziggler: Park your car, sir?

Kelly Kelly Kelly: You sound like an alcoholic, Shane. You should really get some help getting yourself under control.

Instead, Shane dances out onto the stage.

Shane: Yo yo yo yo yo! John Cena is the new champion! Booyah! But now what do we do? Well, the first thing I did was to remember that both Chris Jericho and The Tista have championship rematch clauses to cash in. Then, I set about forgetting those clauses. Then, I had a sandwich. The point is, the next Pay Per View is Armoire Gettin’, and if either of these guys wants any armoires, then they’re going to have to win tonight. So it’ll be Chris Jericho versus Dave Davidson for a shot at the Armoires next month!

Stephanie McMahon: Sorry to interrupt, Shane, but Todd Grisham wanted his glasses back this week. So how about Randy Orton? He’s done nothing to deserve a title shot since he’s come back, and we don’t owe him one either.

Shane: Perfect! He’s in the match!

Stephanie: Well, since we’re announcing random matches, what about John Morrison and The Miz taking on-

Shane: Rey Misterio and Shawn Michaels?

Stephanie: No. No! Where did that come from?! I was going to say Kofi Kingston and CM Punk! They’re the tag team champions, you know.

Shane: No, actually I forgot about that. Oh well, I already wrote Michaels and Misterio down on this paper.

Stephanie: Fine. Look, you clearly have no idea to book a show. Why don’t you just leave all of this in the capable hands of myself and Freddie Prinz Jr. while you go and enjoy your demonspawn back in Connecticut.

Shane: Fine. I will. But RAW is really going to suck with you in charge.

Stephanie: Oh, wonderful. That will really sell the show to people.

John Morrison and The Miz vs. Shawn Michaels and Rey Misterio

This is a rematch from last week, and I’m pretty sure Morrison isn’t going to get to Superkick Shawn again. Everybody but Shawn does backflips for a while, while HBK prances around the ring. Somwhow, I can’t get over how flippant Miz and Morrison are breaking the boundries that separate ECW and RAW. Those walls are there for a reason! Backstage, JBL wants his driver to drive down to ringside. Can…can you just do that? Because if I could get away with it that would be great. No way am I paying more than free for a front row seat.

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Rey is literally bouncing on the ropes for no reason when we come back, and I’m pretty sure WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton is the only person in any of this that’s actually somewhat sane. And yes, that includes you, Shawn Michaels. Rey rolls Miz into a powerbomb for the win. Tag team match of the year! Or probably not. Morrison goes after Michaels after the match, but Bradshaw pops out of his limo and thwacks Morrison. Err…Face turn? Maybe? SHOCKING SWERVE~! At least. For sure. Maybe JBL just really hates dudes that wear body glitter.

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Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Seriously, dude. You did not just have a face turn right there.

John Bradshaw Layfield: Oh, hell no. Nobody would accept that. I’m trying turn Shawn heel by proxy.

Grisham: And why in the world will he ever agree to that?! That guy is basically living off the crowd’s good will now. He’s like the new Mick Foley.

JBL: Oh, he has his reasons….

Grisham: And what are those?

JBL: Shh…We’re just letting this fade to black, Todd.

Grisham: I don’t thi-

Meanwhile, in the ring….

Lillian Garcia: And now, making his recommencing into the WWE locker room, just like…that other guy? Here’s…um…I forget.

Ken Kennedy: That’s right! It’s me! Ken Kennedy! And I’m back here in WWE after successfully filming the eighth sequel to some Steven Segal movie that’s going direct to DVD and the bottom of your Netflix queue, I’m sure. Anyway, I’m not going to be wrestling again, ever, because the second I take another punch I’m going to blow out my knees again. So here’s a humorous package of people telling you that Barack Obama reminds them of Michael Hayes because they’re both black.

Hey, is this a good time to tell you that Kennedy looks really weird now? He’s got a hipster goatee that makes him look less like a pro-wrestler and more like a douchey tech support guy.

Some Kid: Obama reminds me of Vince McMahon because they both walk funny.

Kennedy: FUNNY!

Backstage….

Grisham: I can’t even believe that worked.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Well it DID!

Grisham: Ok. Whatever. I don’t care. Bradshaw’s technical tricks and Kennedy’s odd facial hair aside, let’s talk about you, Dave. What are you going to do to make RAW a worse place so that ratings can go into the hole and Shane McMahon can usurp Stephanie on RAW.

Batista: I am going to eat a SANDWICH!

Grisham: Uh…baby steps, I guess.

Batista: Babies can not WALK!

Grisham: That’s…Oh never mind.

Batista: I hate John CENA!

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Kofi Kingston vs. Kane

In an Intercontinental Title Tournament Match

Ok. So this is a tournament to crown the #1 contender for the Intercontinental title. I’m honestly shocked that they could find eight guys who would think this thing was worth having matches over. They’ve even drug Pat Patterson out of mothballs to add his own unintelligible commentary to the mix. Oh, there’s an IC Title DVD. That explains eeeeeverything. Anyway, Kofi is Shelton to start. Kane tires quickly of all of this and bends Kofi over the ring post for a DQ. The IC Title may need more Kane, but he knows better than to listen to that nonsense. Stephanie comes out and offers up John Cena next week if Kane stops beating on Kofi. It just won’t do beating up the only black guy they’re actually pushing. Just one who thinks he’s the only black guy they’re actually pushing.

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Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

For the #1 Contendership to the WWE World Heavyweight Title

So, let me get this straight: Jericho gets a guaranteed rematch, because he just lost the title last night. Batista gets a guaranteed rematch because he never got one against Jericho. And Randy Orton…is Randy Orton? So now they’re all just going to fight for it, and see what happens. What is this? TNA? The heels beat on Batista for a while, but quickly turn against each other as all heels eventually do. Orton lines Jericho up to fall over, but we’re going to go to a commercial now instead, ok? Geez. What the hell, show?

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“Oh! Somebody’s about to win the match, let’s take a break.” Thankfully for the show, Orton didn’t win during the commercial. It was almost as if they *knew* he wouldn’t win. What kind of scam are they pulling on us here? Cody Rhodes and Manu are backstage, considering this randomly. Manu’s totally rocking that leather jacket, though. Badass. Dave fights his way back into things, overpowering his smaller opponents with his knowledge of words ending in a “th” sound. Dave gets a Spear on Orton, but Jericho knocks him off and takes the pinfall for himself. Oh, that Chris Jericho! He’s just like Edge, but on RAW! So he’s basically the new Chris Tian, who’s going to be totally pissed when he comes back and has to be Chris Jericho.

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Backstage, Randy Orton can’t explain his loss to Cody Rhodes or Manu, who still looks totally badass.

Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix) vs. Goldust

So is Dustin back now? I thought they were trying to cut costs. Not that I think he’d be terribly expensive, but all that makeup can’t come cheap. Santino bitches about not being included on the Intercontinental Title DVD, and that is a little strange since he’s the only person who’s actually seemed to, you know, want the Intercontinental Title in the past twenty years. Dustin makes googly eyes at Beth to start. THAT’S HIS MOVE! While Santino is distracted by either that, or possibly wondering where Goldust’s dead rat is, Dust hits a suplex for the win. Oh. Maybe that was his move.

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Hey! A commercial!

Charlie Haas: Hey! Remember when I dressed up like Bret Hart that one time? And I got beat up by that Russian Guy? Well, that was pretty much the highlight of my career. You can relive these and other classically depressing moments with this new series of WWE Collectors Plates! Who can forget Val Venis getting his weener chopped off? Not Val Venis, unfortunately! Or how about Shelton Benjamin’s Mama! He’ll never live that one down. And now, neither will you! And if you order in the next five minutes, you’ll get a free twenty piece “Worst of Mark Henry” set, absolutely free! The Hand of Mae Young! Sexing Up His Sister! All these moments will live on for generations!

CM Punk vs. Abe Orton

In an Intercontinental Title Tournament Match

William Regal is out with Layla El on commentary, talking about his “feud for the ages” with CM Punk. Did…did I miss that? And what ages are those, exactly? 6-10? Because that’s not exactly the age group we’re marketing this segment towards. Wait until Cena comes out. Abe with a hug to Punk. Aw, that’s nice. Regal realizes that he’s telegraphed the finish to this one, so he spends the next ten minutes talking about Orton’s teeth. Nice cover-up there, William. Your robe still sucks though. Punk with the Go To Sleep out of nowhere on Abe for the win. Afterwards, he gives Regal a look like, “I can’t belive this feud for the ages we’re having right now.”

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Rey Misterio.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Rey Misterio, and Rey, aren’t you even the slightest bit pissed that you’ve been busted back down to Intercontinental Title status?

Rey Misterio: Hell no, man. Did you see my World Title reign? I was awful. I don’t think I won a single match, so thankfully I never had to defend the title, you know? But seriously, I’ll take whatever I can get at this point. Plenty of people have had just fine careers as boring midcarders.

Mike Knox: Do you think I could be a boring midcarder some day?

Rey: Uh…No.

Knox: Not even if I do the Mike Knox Pose?

Mike Knox does the Mike Knox Pose.

Rey: That was pretty awesome. I have to admit. But still…no.

Knox: My life is a joke!

Grisham: You’re telling me. That’s it for me. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Then, Todd Grisham bastes himself in a pleasant herb sauce and tosses himself into an oven preheated at 450 degrees for 2-3 hours. Todd Grisham has fallen. Serve with a nice white wine and cranberries.

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Backstage….

Triple H: Hey, remember when we said DX would ne-

Shawn Michaels: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re reuniting every ten seconds now. So, what’s your deal? Didn’t you get laid out with a chair? Aren’t you pissed that you lost your WWE Spinnin’ Title to Edge last night?

HHH: Nah, man. I had a long talk with Nibblins last night, and I decided that if being Spinnin’ Champion means having to have another match with Vladamir Koslov, I’m better off without it. For now. Until I can win it back and lose it and win it back until I’ve got 50 World Title reigns.

Shawn: Hunter, are we going to sell some T-Shirts here or what?

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Did you know that, though the modern T-Shirt didn’t become a popular form of dress in American society until the 1940s, its invention can be traced back to the earliest Egyptian pharaohs?

Shawn: What is she doing here?

HHH: Shh! She’s like having a little Wikipedia in my pocket. And she knows stupid factoids too!

Kelly: Now, I’m going to take mine off!

Shawn: Noo! I’m coveting my neighbor’s wife!

Stephanie McMahon: And just what is going on in this segment?

HHH: We’re trying to sell Kelly here a T-Shirt. That was made in Egypt or something.

Stephanie: That sounds fairly reasonable. Carry on.

Meanwhile….

Beth Phoenix: OBJECTION! I object to women being objectified like we were last night! That “match” was nothing but a bathroom break between segments they actually wanted you to watch! I’d like to have a little bit of respect, thank you.

Jillian Hall: Beth, you can have whatever you like. You like. Yeah. You can have whatever you like!

Katie Lea Burchill: Patron on ice! We can pop bottles all night!

Beth: Don’t encourage her!

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Beth Phoenix, Katie Lea Burchill, and Jillian Hall vs. Alexis Laree, Boobsie McTitsalot, and Melina

So, Melina’s entrance video played when Boobsie came out, so nobody was really surprised when she made her big return. Sorry Melina, you don’t get a heroic welcome. Not to mention that I thought you were still a heel. Let’s watch the level of discomfort between her and Alexis! They still hate each other from that one time when Alexis did Melina’s entrance in OVW! Hey! The Slammies are back! I swear…would it kill them to throw one my way this year? I’ve had a pretty good year! Melina with a pretty slick power bomb, but that’s not her move, so she hits her move (nickname: Lift Kick to the Face while I’m Holding You…Thing) on Katie for the win. That looked better when she did it before she ruined her ankle. Afterwards, Alexis and Melina awkwardly shake hands and then look away from each other really quickly. I can feel the love!

Backstage….

Stephanie McMahon: Chris Jericho? We haven’t fired you yet?

Chris Jericho: Nice to see you too, Stephanie.

Stephanie: Hey, don’t give me any sass, Jericho! You killed my dog!

Jericho: You told me to do that!

Stephanie: Don’t deflect your problems on me!

Jericho: Ugh…Now I remember why I left. I can only hope Redemption Song takes off.

Stephanie: You got rid of the Cobra Starship Keytar girl! It’s worthless now!

Jericho: Uh…Wait, you actually watch that show?

Stephanie: Nibblins is a big fan.

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In the ring….

Chris Jericho: This main event interview is to inform you, once again, that wrestling is serious business. That John Cena, mister waving his hand and pretending he has street cred, was that the one that unseated me as the World Heavyweight champion is sad and a bit ridiculous. I mean…what is WWE thinking?! Haven’t they learned anything from the last 87 times that Cena was champion and things devolved into strange and stupid oceans of crap?

Backstage, John Cena is surrounded by an army of small children.

John Cena: I’m backstage surrounded by an army of small children who want to buy my T-Shirts and have me sign their stomachs. How does that make you feel Chris Jericho?

Jericho: A little creeped out, actually. You didn’t buy Neverland, did you?

John Cena strides down to ringside, the children enraptured in his Pan-like thrall.

Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO! YOOOOO!

Chris Jericho runnin’ his mouth,

Saying that wrestling blows,

Serious business he says,

Make fans want to watch the shows!

But I love all my fans,

Little kids and the tween girls,

Buyin’ my T-shirts and DVD!

Get a belt that spins and twirls!

This company isn’t for dudes,

And Internet circle jerks,

It’s for true John Cena fans,

Who don’t know the word “Works.”

You want good matches?

You want to tell me who you beat?

I don’t care about any of that,

I gotta pump up my feet!

Because I’m going to bring punches,

Gonna maul you like a bear,

Better take off your suit, Chris,

Because THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Chris Jericho: I cannot believe I lost to you. I cannot believe I’m seriously defending the workrate marks and greasy computer hacks. Listen to me! I’m standing up for Scott Keith! That makes me sick to my stomach. But I guess it’s better than coming out here and putting on Barbie’s Pony and Rap Wrestling Show every week. Barely.

Cena: HOW DARE YOU TALK DOWN ABOUT THE FANS OF BARBIE LIKE THAT!

Then John Cena totally goes nuts and starts punching Jericho until he’s knocked out and locks in the STFU, much to the delight of this one kid in the front row. What an asshole. And Cena is kind of a jerk too. What is his problem anyway? Kane seems to like it, though. Kane appreciates a good unprovoked attack.

Next Week: John Cena and Kane become best friends and then they beat the crap out of MVP for no reason. Shawn Michaels reveals that he’s made a deal to sell stock in Jesus to JBL. Oh, and more family bickering between Stephanie and Shane. Woo!

I promise that we’ll be back to normal next week, but this being Thanksgiving, I haven’t had a whole lot of time to prepare a WoWW update for this week.

So here’s link to a concert series/CD release of all the music from Warcraft/Starcraft/Diablo/WoW. It’s pretty cool. Some of that music is really epic, and I’m glad I have the WoW CDs.

So if you like the music, check that out, and we’ll be back on track with our normal updates next week.

1. New York Giants: Back to the top after a convincing win over Arizona. The Giants are playing like a Super Bowl team. Finally. Last Week: 2

2. Tennessee Titans: One loss, but they’re still in better position than they could have ever dreamed of. They’d better hope Collins rebounds, though, because otherwise they’re in trouble. Last Week: 1

3. Pittsburgh Steelers: It took more than they’d thought to put away the Bengals, but a strong second half did it. Now they just have to keep pace in the NFL’s worst division. Last Week: 4

4. New York Jets: Another solid win has the Jets on top of the world. Ok, maybe not the world. New York? Err…Well, the Jets are number one at the Favre household. Probably. Last Week: 8

5. Indianapolis Colts: The Colts beat the Chargers in a game that they would’ve lost earlier this year. Still, Manning got it done when it counted. Last Week: 7

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They needed a second half comeback, but they beat Detroit. Yes, that Detroit. Don’t go patting yourselves on the back for that one, guys.

7. Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals lost, but they’ve still got a pretty good shot at getting a first round Playoff bye, which is more than they could ever have hoped for, and they didn’t embarrass themselves against the Giants, which is more than anybody could have hoped for. Last Week: 4

8. New England Patriots: Back on the winning track for New England this week, though they still don’t look quite right. Matt Cassel was impressive though, throwing for 400 yards, and not being a complete screw up. This week. Last Week: 11

9. Dallas Cowboys: Speaking of teams that are looking better again, Dallas seems to have recovered from their midseason funk. They’re still only on the very edges of Playoff contention, but not for long. Last Week: 13

10. Carolina Panthers: Carolina suffered a tough loss against Atlanta, and went from looking like a sure bet for an NFC South title, to looking lost. A feeling not entirely unfamiliar to the Panthers, I assure you. Last Week: 3

11. Miami Dolphins: Yes, they lost, but what is the deal with this team? When did Chad Pennington become the NFL’s third best quarterback (and the best on a team that is actually doing something)? Too bad the Wildcat is starting to fall apart. Last Week: 10

12. Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens had a tough time getting the running game going, save for that wacky Flacco Option they love so much. But the defense had no problem closing things out, as usual. Last Week: 12

13. Atlanta Falcons: Impressive win over the Panthers, but their road struggles earlier this year, might have made it too little too late. They’re still playing from behind in the standings. Last Week: 15

14. Washington Redskins: The only way I can be entertained by this year’s Redskins is if Clinton Portis returns to Planet Funkatron or Jim Zorn goes nuts and punches someone. Last Week: 16

15. Chicago Bears: Easy win this week, but things are going to get much tougher on Sunday Night against the Vikings for control of the NFC North. Can Kyle overcome his case of the Ortons? Last Week: 18

16. Minnesota Vikings: A Vikings team that actually played decent special teams, capitalized on mistakes, and won a winnable game? Who are these imposters?! Wait, you say they benched Adrian Peterson for coming late to a team meeting? There they are! Last Week: 17

17. New Orleans Saints: The Saints may just have put the Packers out of their season-long misery, thanks to Lance Moore playing like Randy Moss and Drew Brees playing like…Drew Brees. Last Week: 21

18. Buffalo Bills: Ok, so they ran up the score a little bit. You’ve got to remember this came against an absolutely hapless Cheifs defense, that I think is without an entire team. Last Week: 20

19. Green Bay Packers: Rough game, and it’s an uphill struggle for Green Bay to try to keep pace with Chicago and Minnesota. They’ve still got a shot, but as Tony Kornheiser would say, “Brett Favre!” Last Week: 14

20. Denver Broncos: The Broncos went from being assured 9-2 and comfortably atop the NFC West to WTF blown out by the Raiders. Somewhere, Tatum Bell is fathering a child to overcome his grief. Last Week: 9

21. San Diego Chargers: Another week, another tough loss. That’s the way this season has gone for Norv Turner and his disturbing jowls. Next up, begging Shawne Merriman not to leave. I mean Atlanta. Last Week: 22

22. Jacksonville Jaguars: Two fumbles in the first two minutes, including one play where the center snapped the ball right into his crotch, does not make for a winning formula. Last Week: 24

23. Philadelphia Eagles: One week after learning the meaning of the word “tie,” Donovan McNabb got benched after three first quarter turnovers. Coach Andy Reid said after the game, however, that the Eagles were committed to their starting quarterback, Old Vince Young. Last Week: 12

24. Houston Texans: In a Thanksgiving tradition, the Texans won another meaningless late November game that makes them think their team is more talented than it actually is. It’s kind of like the NFL’s “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.” Last Week: 25

25. Cleveland Browns: Hey, so remember last week when Brady Quinn was going to be the savior of the Browns? Well forget about that. The Courageous One was benched like he was Donovan McNabb after a poor first half. Last Week: 23

26. Kansas City Chiefs: Nobody likes having 50 points hung on them, but I’m sure they like it even less when it’s Trent Edwards doing the damage. Tyler Thigpen still looks halfway decent for a practice squad quarterback. Last Week: 27

27. Oakland Raiders: You know what? Good for them. I hate the Raiders as much as the next guy, but it’s still nice for them to get at least one convincing victory before they come crashing back down to earth. Last Week: 30

28. Seattle Seahawks: I’m not one to make a mountain out of a molehill, but do you think, Shawn Alexander as crappy as he’s been, is happy that he’s sitting on the bench in Washington instead of starting behind this offensive line? Last Week: 26

29. San Francisco 49ers: Another week, another loss, but the 49ers are at least playing one half of decent football before falling apart. They’re like this year’s Detroit Lions, except at least they won a game. Last Week: 30

30. Cincinnati Bengals: Another in a long line of teams who can put together one decent half of football before losing their minds. It doesn’t help that they benched Chad Ochocinco, who I’m sure will give a shit as soon as he stops counting his money. Last Week: 31

31. Saint Louis Rams: Rough week for the Rams, who went from being a plucky non-contender, to essentially playing like a high school football team’s marching band. Except that I’m pretty sure the marching band would be able to make a stop once in a while. Last Week: 29

32. Detroit Lions: The agony will never end in Detroit, where Dante Culpepper has returned to fooling people into thinking that he’s a decent quarterback in a bad system, before coming out and throwing ten picks and five fumbles. Last Week: 32

It was my birthday today, so you’re going to have to deal with a late update.

In keeping with the joyous theme of the holidays, here’s Sarah Palin giving an interview in front of some turkeys being beheaded.

Probably not for the faint of heart, that.

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World.

1. Obama’s Cabinet Taking Shape. Boring old white guy, boring old white guy, Hilary Clinton?! Really?! Was Oprah busy or something? Or is she going to be the secretary of Book Club Affairs? Anyway, I guess we can’t have a democratic cabinet without one Clinton, and George is too busy on Planet Funkatron.

2. Auto Makers Turned Down for $300 Billion Bailout. Yeah…showing up on your own private jets and staying at 5-Star hotels was probably not the best way to present your “we really need money” proposal. So I guess we just hope they turn to more cost efficient, alternative fuel vehicles. Hahahaha…That’s not going to happen. Prepare for the layoffs.

3. The X-Box Live Update Is…Live? The results are…mixed. The old Live Experience was much easier to navigate, but Microsoft is clearly trying to figure out what works with Wii and PS3′s interfaces, and there are some good entertaining ideas somewhere in there. Oh, but the Miis? Suck. Sorry.

4. Maybe They Should’ve Waterboarded the Kid. Police in Arizona are in trouble after two cops spent hours interogating an eight year old boy until he confessed to his father’s murder. Nobody really believes the kid did it, and even if he did, you can’t just lay the smackdown on an eight year old. But they did, and it’s all on tape. Clever.

5. Google’s Audio Search Is Laaaaaame. So Google has a talk-to-type-to-talk search option out there now, and it’s pretty lame. I guess it’s ok if you’re on an iPhone and can’t be buggered to use the keypad, but it’s still not particularily useful. Still, the geek community is bugging out over this thing, so expect to see it everywhere by the end of the year.

Last Week: We were in England, which means you must have this many Us to ride this ride. Also, feuds were ended! Like Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho! Rey Misterio vs. Kane! Uh…William Regal and Santino Marella! Will they be able to go a whole month without booking those guys against each other? Will they even make it through…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

The Whole Roster is in the ring, and that saves me from a lot of bolding later on, y’alls. Apparently Stephanie McMahon called a meeting so that she could remember who all was on this show so she knows who to fire later this week. Better hide, Armando Estrada! OH NO! Too late! She’s already seen you!

Stephanie McMahon: So who’s ready to get future endevoured? Because we’ve got to save $20 million, and damned if we’re not going to do it $50,000 at a time. Tough Enough Jessie? I’m sorry, you’re fired.

Tough Enough Jessie: I’ve been working here for free for the last four years! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Stephanie: Err…right. Look, Tough Economic times and all that. I’m sure you’ll all understand. That’s why I’m so glad Mike Adamle quit. That saved us at least $11.50 right there.

Tommy Dreamer: How about cutting back on hiring stupid and expensive writers, corporate jets, B-movies, ineffective marketing campaigns and blatant PR stunts? That’d probably save us $45 million right there.

Stephanie: Who are you? Do you work here?!

Dreamer: Uh…no?

Stephanie: Good. Anybody else?

Randy Orton: Steponme, It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WCW Headyweight Chocolate Chip. And to be quite hornets with you, I don’t want to be fruit cup engendered. However, I canst not stand idolatry by while my fellow West Wingers are cast astride like so much garage. Except Joe Cedar. If you could endanger him before Surveyor Serious, that would be great.

Stephanie: Randy, we’re not going to fire John Cena. He’s the only one of you that’s still actually making us any money. And even if we did, we’d give the Survivor Series title match to Manu.

Manu: Really?!

Stephanie: No.

Cody Rhodes: Well I think it’s oddly appropriate that we’re here talking about how our company is circling the drain in the home of WCW. Wow, my dad was a really terrible booker. Ha. So anyway, why haven’t I exacted vengeance on Randy Orton yet for my partner, Ted DiBiase getting kicked in the head, forcing him to run off and get married?

Orton: Shovel it, Couchy! You’re supposed to be my teamster at the paper stew. Don’t make me making you get martied too.

Stephanie: Stop it. Both of you. Cody, the reason you haven’t exacted revenge on Randy Orton is because he’s a main eventer and you, quite frankly, would be on Internet Heat if we hadn’t cancelled that. Oh, and I’m not done with you, Randy. See tonight, you’re going to end your months-long heated feud with CM Punk, in a continued effort to stop all our interesting storylines before Royal Rumble. And it’s going to be a Lumberjack Match!

Orton: A Lunch or Jacks match? Why not a Cold Mountain Glove?

Stephanie: Quite frankly, we can’t afford any Coal Miner’s Gloves or it would’ve been.

Orton: You better asp your shelf Who’s Neck?

Stephanie: What are you, Goldberg?

Santino Marella: I see-a we have-a the rapper Akron-a here! How much-a did that-a cost?

Stephanie: We gave him a million dollars to stand in the third row!

Santino: That’s-a a worthwhile venture-a! And that’s-a nice outfit-a and glasses-a! How much-a were those-a?

Stephanie: Actually, these were donated by a rather nice woman who was trying to offload them on her way back to spy on Russia.

Santino: A likely-a story! Now, why did-a we end my-a chase of the Honky-a Donkey Man-a? I thought-a that I was-a comedy gold-a! And William-a Regal? Really-a?

Stephanie: Honestly, we forgot you even had the Intercontinental Title. Even though that was your entire gimmick. Just wait until we remember Shelton Benjamin has a belt. And as far as William Regal? Hey, vampires are hot right now. What can I say?

John Bradshaw Layfield: Ok, this booking and blatant disregard for kayfabe just so we can cut a few corners financially is getting a little ridiculous. Where’s Vince? Last time I saw him he was just giving money away. That’s the kind of attitude we need right now.

Stephanie: My dad died, like, six times in the last year. Don’t you watch this show?

JBL: No.

Stephanie: Well, neither do I. But Meltzer had a little blurb about it on page 38 of the last observer. Right in between 50 pages of MMA reports and speculation on what kind of cereal Royce Gracie likes.

JBL: Chex. I read his book. Anyway, I just wanted to say also that I hate Shawn Michaels.

Shawn Michaels: You know what? In these tough times, sometimes I just have to ask myself. What Would Jesus Do? And right now, I think Jesus would do a crossbody onto you off the top rope and then punch your face until you leave. So…BONZAI!

Shawn Michaels does a crossbody onto JBL off the top rope and then punches him in the face until he leaves.

Jesus: That is pretty much exactly what I would’ve done in that situation.

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Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Victoria

Victoria isn’t on this show. “Go! Go! Go!” Is that the only vestiges of Stevie Richards left? That’s sad. Apparently, the girls are going to have a match on the PPV, and I’m not sure how many people who were on the fence that sold Survivor Series to, but I know that’s the reason I’m going to order. I guess the women are cheaper anyway. That’s sexist, Stephanie! I’m just waiting to see who they shack Victoria up with next. She’s the real Black Widow! Hahahahah…Sorry. Wrestling joke. Don’t know what that was doing in here. Anyway, Kelly hits Victoria with a roll-up. That’s her move! The other girls come down and take stock of everything, and decide that yes, they are all cheaper to put on Survivor Series than any of the dudes.

Backstage, The Tista is walking through a fake hallway backstage.

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Manu (w/ Cody Rhodes) vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

WWE swears this is Manu’s first singles match, and I can’t be bothered to figure out whether or not that’s true. And here’s a Wild Samoans video to reinforce that this guy is neither of those two guys. Dave laughs because he’s kind of an asshole, and also because Manu is clearly cheaper than an actual opponent. Randy Orton comes out to watch this match because somebody stole his chair backstage. Dave gets an OSPREY BOMB TO MANU~! after a few minutes for the win.

“Dave” Batista “Davidsion”: This was my best match EVER! EVER!

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Stephanie McMahon drags out Chief Jay Strongbow, mostly so I would have to bold another name. Bitch.

Backstage….

Cody Rhodes: Did somebody seriously draw a chainlink fence on a piece of paper and tape it up behind us as the background?

Randy Orton: Fencing is explosive, Cloudy. These are tough Akonomic times.

Cody: Ugh. I hate working for this company.

Orton: Cloudy, we’ve got to free pear for our Surveyor Serious match! Moby losing wasn’t part of those pans, but I’ve got every conference that I’ll be able to beat CP Monk and put us back on the tack to vividly!

Cody: How in the hell did you get to be the leader of our team? This is embarrassing.

Orton: Tough Akonomic times, Cloudy. Tough in speed.

Here’s Todd Grisham.

Todd Grisham: Hey! Here’s an idea! You want to save a couple bucks? Fire me!

Evan Bourne: Todd, I don’t know why you’re so depressed all the time. You have the best job ever. All you do is sit at a desk for an hour and maybe talk to people sometimes.

Grisham: Look…whoever you are, I don’t know what your deal is, but you don’t have to try to make sense of all the random crap that goes on around here. If they really want to save money, they should fire no name boring idiots who are hurt all the time like you, Triple H, Edge, and that one other guy who just broke his ankle. Evan…something?

Bourne: That’s me. Evan Bourne.

Grisham: Do I look like I care? Look, all I’m saying is….

Mike Knox: Hey, dudes. What’s up?

Grisham: What are you doing here?

Knox: Huh? Oh, I’m here to be a low rent version of Abe Orton, who was a low rent version of every other fat, ugly, beardy guy on the roster.

Bourne: That hasn’t worked out too well for any fat beardy guys on this roster.

Knox: They can’t fire me, though! I do the Mike Knox pose!

And with that, he does the Mike Knox pose and Todd Grisham fashions a noose out of Knox’s beard and hangs himself. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Elsewhere….

Shawn Michaels: All right! We’re walking backstage. This is the greatest segment in the history of our great sport.

Rey Misterio: Shawn. Wait a minute. This isn’t backstage. We’re in a parking lot. Where are we going? The ring is nowhere near here.

Shawn: Shhh! It was cheaper to come out here and shoot this segment. We don’t have to pay the backstage shooting fee! This is public property!

Rey: You know, I used to think teaming with you would be awesome, a huge deal. But I really wish WWE was going to take this seriously.

Shawn: What are you? Chris Jericho? Shut up and help me look for my car. I think I left my chaps out here.

Dolph Ziggler: Hi. I’m Dolph Ziggler.

Shawn: I knew that! Actually, that’s a lie. I didn’t.

Rey: Haven’t you been fired yet?

Dolph: That’s why I’m here actually. I’m working at this parking lot.

Shawn: Will you help me find my chaps?

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Shawn Michaels and Rey Misterio vs. John Morrison and The Miz

I guess Dolph helped him find the chaps, because he’s wearing them as he prances to the ring. A lot is made about this being the first time Rey and Shawn have teamed, but I think most people would really rather see them fight. At least I would. I wonder how Shawn would handle wrestling someone who’s smaller and panders more blatantly to the crowd than him. As it is, it’s Shawn that’s going to be taking the hot tag here, and that’s entertaining enough in and of itself. All four guys spend the first ten minutes of the match taking turns jumping out of the ring.

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And they’re still jumping. See, this is what you get when you let the cruiserweights run wild. Shawn gets the hot tag, and it’s like 1986 Shawn Michaels all over again. How long has it been since he was the “big” man in a tag team, anyway? Did he ever wrestle a match in the Juniors division? I seem to remember him and Super Porky making a run at the tag titles a few years ago. Anyway, I digress. Shawn starts punching the hell out of Miz and Morrison, loads up the Superkick and…gets hit with a Superkick by John Morrison. Miz rolls over for the win. And…Buh? I don’t get it. That’s what you get for teaming with Misterio, Shawn!

Hey! Did you know John Cena’s coming back at Survivor Series? No?! Where the hell have you been for the last month? Not…not watching this show, huh?

Chris Jericho: I’m here in front of the insanely expensive Jeri-Sketch 2000 to talk about how depressed I am to be fighting John Cena at Survivor Series. Look, I think I’m proof positive that wrestling really is serious business, and in treating it like serious business, I’ve earned my paycheck. But I think we’ve seen through all these video packages chronicling John Cena’s epic six year run in WWE, that wrestling isn’t serious business for John Cena. He’s got a rap career, he’s a movie star, he’s engaged in business opportunities outside of professional wrestling! What do I have? Fozzy? Mansquito 3: Revenge of Mansquito? I Love 1994: Part 7? Redemption Song? It just proves that I only take crappy outside projects because I take wrestling so seriously.

Stephanie McMahon: Hey, I like Redemption Song.

Jericho: You would.

Stephanie: What was that?

Jericho: Uh…nothing. Good to see you again, Steph.

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Backstage, in front of some fake palm trees and a cardboard cut-out of Mean Gene Oakerlund….

CM Punk: You know something Mean Gene, you’re right! I am better than Randy Orton. He wants to kick me in the head to show how tough he is? Well…That hurt. A lot. And I forget where I was going with that tangent, but anyway, he basically stole the WWE title from me, and he does drugs and blows up hotels and nobody ever does anything about it. And he was good buddies with Triple H and Ric Flair. And his dad is in the WWE Hall of Fame. And he’s probably going to get a title shot here pretty soon while I’m stuck in a tag team with Kofi Kingston. And…wait…I suck. Sorry for wasting your time, Mean Gene.

Elsewhere….

John Bradshaw Layfield: I can’t believe the audacity of these people! “No more cow limo. Oh, but you can still have a regular limo!” What the hell good is that? Everybody knows the cow limo. It defines me as an individual.

Kane: Hey, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself. Ron Paul would’ve let you have a cow limo. A Cow Limo in Every Home. That was his domestic policy. Come to think of it, that might be why he lost.

JBL: You don’t think that maybe it was because he had no shot of getting nominated in the first place because he’s kind of a goof?

Kane: What are you trying to say, John?

JBL: Uh…He needed more Kane?

Kane: One man can only campaign so hard. *sniff*

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Cryme Tyme vs. Kane and John Bradshaw Layfield

This match is taking place because…hell, I don’t know. Oh, wait. They’re on opposite sides of Survivor Series matches. That doesn’t make any sense! Did they just run out of people or something? “Crap…we’re out of people and we’ve got two spots left on this Survivor Series team. Oh! I know! Cryme Tyme is two people!” Kane goes to Chokeslam JTG, but JBL ducks in behind and hits the Clothesline from Hell for the win. Oh, I can see that team is going to work out lovely. Checking the other participants in that match, I love that Shawn Michaels is stuck babysitting Cryme Tyme and The Great Khali.

Backstage, sitting on some cardboard boxes next to a roaring barrel fire….

Kofi Kingston: Man, I can’t wait to get home to Jamaica, man. I’ve got to level my Blood Elf Hunter to 80, man!

Evan Bourne: Yeah! I’ve got a Draenei Pally in Northrend right now. They really nerfed the Retribution damage, but Protection tanking is sick. Can’t seem to beat that last boss in Nexus though.

Kofi: For real though, dragons are wicked, man.

Evan: I love it when you talk like a parody of Jamaicans, Kofi. Did you learn all your dialog from Grand Theft Auto IV?

Kofi: For real, man. Respect.

Mike Knox: VIDEO GAMES!

Evan: Totally. Video games.

Knox: Hey, can you guys help me get this thing out of my beard?

Evan goes to help pull Todd Grisham out of Knox’s beard, and Mike accidentally kicks him in the stomach. Then he accidentally pushes Kofi through a pile of cardboard boxes. Then he accidentally grabs Bourne’s crutch and whacks his ankle eight times.

Knox: Oops. Sorry.

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William Regal vs. Matt Hardy

The Intercontinental Champion vs. The ECW Champion! It’s a dream match! Sort of! Ok, not really. Didn’t Matt Hardy blow out his knee or something? He really shouldn’t be out here tonight. That’s nuts, and not the Crazy Go type. Regal bitches that American fans aren’t treating him like a face like the British fans did, but to be honest I think people are pissed that Santino isn’t doing the Honk-A-Meter any more. Anyway, Hardy and Regal go outside and get into a fist fight, and when WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance tries to pull them apart, they leave. Who knew this not-feud was so heated? Maybe Matt Hardy really hates Twilight.

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Chris Jericho is back out.

Chris Jericho: Seriously though, what more do I have to do to prove that I make a pretty ok champion? Look, I like John Cena as much as the next twelve year old girl, but that guy keeps getting hurt lately. Here we are in Atlanta, the home of WCW, and all I can think of is, I would’ve made a great WCW champion. Hell, I was WCW Champion for about ten minutes there, when I won the Undisputed Title. Remember that? Of course not, I remind you guys of it every few minutes. And I forget where I was going with this tangent, except to say that I’d be a whole hell of a lot cheaper as champion than John Cena, so let me keep the belt. Please?

Randy Orton vs. CM Punk

In a Lumberjack Match

They’re not using actual lumberjacks, because those guys are Union. I think I see Sean Cold Val Venis out there though, which makes me awfully happy. Punk gets way more offense than I thought he would here. Maybe they’re paying Orton per CHINLOCK~! It’s no wonder he’s making seven figures. Mark Henry grabs Punk, pulls him out of the ring, and then throws him back in. Good, because there’s nothing worse than a Lumberjack Match where the heel lumberjacks aren’t huge jerks outside the ring. William Regal’s singlet is really distracting. Sorry. Wow is that thing ugly though. Punk goes for a knee, but is distracted by Regal’s ugly ass outfit, and he falls over. Orton wins! After the match, The Tista runs down to the ring and hits an OSPREY BOMB TO WWE RAW REFEREE MIKE CHIODA~! What’d he do?! Then, he turns around with a Spear to Orton. He is Goldberg! The rest of the lumberjacks just say “screw it” and start punching each other.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Chris Jericho bawls in a corner while John Cena measures the World Title for a spinner. JTG of Cryme Tyme somehow manages to be the sole survivor of his team. Also, in a cost cutting measure, the part of the Gobbledy Gooker will be played by Christopher Daniels.

In a way, the Strong Bad games have always been about fan service. Cameos by favorite characters, jokes that only the most frequent visitors to the Homstar Wiki would understand, hell, basically everything about the first three episode was one giant love letter to fans of the website. All that comes to a head in the most recent episode, Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective.

Dangeresque, if you didn’t know, is Strong Bad’s crooked cop (and celebrity pharmacist!) alter-ego, who stars in his own series of films. The premise lends itself well to plotting out an entire game, and it allows the writing team ample room to write some of the best dialog that has been associated with any part of the Homstar universe in years.

I think, in kind of an odd sense of fusion, they finally found an outlet to channel all that unused Sam & Max energy into making an really fun and breezy detective adventure with the Homestar characters. Between the well designed puzzles, the humorous plays on old charactarizations, and the brilliant use of the fourth wall and asides, I think the Strong Bad games have finally gelled with TellTale’s strengths.

Extra Features:

To be honest, the extra stuff is kind of at a minimum here. There’s a space shooter minigame that wears out its welcome in the thirty seconds you have to play it, but past that there’s not much more to do once you’ve completed the game. I will say that I thoroughly enjoyed the “Extended Gameplay” being presented as a group of DVD Extras though.

There are still hidden items to collect, but to be honest they play a lot smaller role in the gameplay, and you can really ignore them if you want to. At least in the preview build, the metal detector seems to have reverted to letting you use it whether or not there’s anything to be found on a particular screen.

Technical:

For the most part there’s not much to complain about, as TellTale put their typical polish on this episode. There are a few issues with voices not properly syncing with the characters, and one sort of major thing where even when you’re not using the metal detector Strong Bad will sill have it in his hand for a while, but all of that is pretty minor in the end.

Graphics:

For whatever reason, the 3-D characters look much better in costume than they do in their normal “clothes.” Marzipan, for example, tended to animate fairly poorly during the previous episodes, but here she looks fine. Strong Sad still looks a bit odd, but

The stages for Dangeresque are well done as usual. The “new” set pieces are entertaining, and the intentionally horrible room redesigns will have you laughing.

Sound:

The voices are typically good, and I like how they subtley change all the voices to fit the Dangeresque theme, and then changing them back again for the fourth wall breaking.

I’m not exactly sure what to tell you about the music. If you like the Dangeresque theme, great. You’ll probably get sick of it by the end of the game though, because it plays on a constant loop behind everything you do. Which makes sense, but enough with the Dangeresque theme, guys.

Replay Value:

There are some pretty fantastic jokes, so you might want to replay it again to play, but other than that there’s not much to see on a second playthrough. If you’ve been able to avoid chasing that 100% completion rating in the previous games, it’ll be really easy to do that here too.

Final Score: 8.5/10

I think this represents a kind of perfect storm for TellTale. They were able to combine a lot of what made the Sam and Max puzzles fun and interesting with a lot of what people love about the Homestar universe and the Dangeresque character specifically into one extremely attractive and fun game.

Part of that is, of course, that they did away with trying to make some of the series square pegs fit into round wholes and made the whole episode full of fan service. While non-fans might not appreciate the comedy stylings of Dangeresque, it’s the best and most fun game of all of them this season, and well worth your time to play through.

And speaking of fan service, check out the trailer after the game for Trogdor and more. They’re throwing it all against the wall for the season finale.

If you’re interested in taking a look at the game, you can download a copy of the PC Demo at the TellTale Website.

1. Tennessee Titans: Tennessee continues their improbable run, and keeps beating some actual good teams. The rest of their schedule isn’t rough, but the Playoffs will really test them. Last Week: 1

2. New York Giants: I don’t think there’s any doubt that the Giants are “actually” the best team in football right now, but it’s going to be interesting to see what happens when they play the Cardinals.Last Week: 2

3. Carolina Panthers: It’s a tough run from here on out, but they’ve got the edge on the NFC South, and if they can get something going, they’ll be tough to stop during playoff time. Last Week: 3

4. Arizona Cardinals: Arizona has continued to dominate the West, playing crazy go nuts on offense and…not horrible on defense. They’re looking at least one home playoff game, forcing Matt Leinart to postpone his plans to make University of Phoenix Stadium into the world‘s biggest coed hot tub.Last Week: 4

5. Pittsburgh Steelers: Injuries still threaten to put a halt to the Steeler’s playoff hopes, but for right now they’re clearly one of the AFC’s best, and if Willie Parker or a few others get healthy, well then they’ll probably be a little better. Last Week: 7

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jeff Garcia played out of his mind on Sunday, which gives Tampa fans some hilarious false hope, before they remember that their quarterback is still Jeff Garcia. Last Week: 13

7. Indianapolis Colts: Are the Colts are on a comback run, or are they faking it again? The questionability of Bob Sanders and Marvin Harrison makes the rest of the Colts’ season awfully questionable. Last Week: 10

8. New York Jets: I think it‘s safe to say that the Jets season is going better than they‘d hoped. With the AFC East (and the AFC, really) up for grabs, they’re going to ride Brett Favre and Thomas Jones until they’re retired. Last Week: 8

9. Denver Broncos: The Broncos went ahead and signed Tatum Bell to a contract. Guaranteeing a population boom in Denver. What’s wonderful is that Denver doesn’t have any other running backs whose luggage he can steal. Last Week: 15

10. Miami Dolphins: Chad Pennington got hurt and nobody really noticed. He’s the most useless good quarterback since…well…Kerry Collins. Last Week: 18

11. New England Patriots: The Patriots might make the playoffs anyway this year, but they’re not the same team. I will say that BenJarvis GreenEllis is what I’m probably going to name my firstborn, though. Last Week: 5

12. Baltimore Ravens: Back to the drawing board offensively for the Ravens, who seem to play superb one week and flaccid the next. Speaking of which, why is John Flacco still running the option? And why is it their best play? Last Week: 6

13. Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo’s return brought a win to the Cowboys and put them back into the Playoff race. But the truth remains that the only people who think they actually have a shot at the playoffs are Jerry Jones, Wade Phillips, and Jessica Simpson. Last Week: 20

14. Green Bay Packers: The Packers dominated the Bears Sunday, finally unleashing Ryan Grant and putting on a defensive showcase against Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman. Not that that’s a huge achievement, but…still. Last Week: 16

15. Atlanta Falcons: The Falcons fell to the Broncos, but they’re continuing to play far above the level anybody could possibly have expected. They’ve still got an outside shot at winning the division, and it must be killing Michael Vick. If he got football in the clink. Last Week: 12

16. Washington Redskins: Things would probably have gone better if Portis was 100%, but this is something that the Redskins are going to have to deal with this season. Portis won’t be healthy for the rest of the year, and neither will the Skins. Last Week: 9

17. Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings played themselves out of the game, wasting multiple chances to beat the Bucs. I’d say the season still looks good for Minnesota, but 3/4ths of their award winning D-Line might be suspended next week. Last Week: 18

18. Chicago Bears: Kyle Orton came back playing like Kyle Orton, and they ended up throwing the Dragon back out there, thereby losing hilariously, and increasing the Neckbeard ratio in the NFL by at least 20%. Last Week: 11

19. Philadelphia Eagles: Donovan McNabb blamed his nonchalant play at the end of the Eagles’ game on not knowing that an overtime period could end in a tie. Still, he didn’t have an answer for why they tied with the Bengals. Last Week: 17

20. Buffalo Bills: It’s not just yet another wide right field goal in a big game for the Bills, it’s that such a promising team here has fallen apart so quickly. Not that that’s anything new with this team, but this year they really had a chance. Last Week: 18

21. New Orleans Saints: Reggie Bush might be back this week, and that might just be what the Saints need. They’re quickly running out of chances, despite Drew Brees and Lance Moore going crazy. Last Week: 19

22. San Diego Chargers: The Chargers suffered a pretty ridiculous 11-10(ish) loss to the Steelers in the game which pissed off more Vegas big wigs than Chargers fans. The talent is still there, but it’s not waking up any time soon. Last Week: 21

23. Cleveland Browns: Brady Quin courageously got his first NFL win. The Browns looked more like the 2007 Browns, who won every meaningless game enroute to missing the playoffs, than the 2008 Browns who just…lose every game. Last Week: 25

24. Jacksonville Jaguars: What the hell happened to the Jaguars? Jacksonville has played down to the level of their opponents all year, to the point that I’m pretty sure they really are a crappy team. Last Week: 24

25. Houston Texans: They played the Colts close both times this year, but they lost both games, and to a crippled Colts team. Time is running out on Gary Kubiak’s plan to fix the Texans. Last Week: 25

26. Seattle Seahawks: Nobody knows why Matt Hasslebeck decided to come back to this team. The Seahawks are really awful, and Mike Holmgren is keeping them from playing for next year. Last Week: 28

27. Kansas City Chiefs: On the flip side, another coach who will probably not be in the league next year, Herm Edwards, has his team planning for the future. Now, I don‘t think they‘ll be any good next year either, at least Tyler Thigpen and Glen Dorsey are getting their reps.. Last Week: 27

28. San Francisco 49ers: The 49ers won a meaningless blowout over the Rams, giving Mike Singletary his first, and probably last, win as a head coach. Mike Martz declared this as “easily his favorite victory since that one with the Lions.” Last Week: 30

29. Saint Louis Rams: Not much good can be salvaged from the Rams’ 35-16 loss against the slightly less hapless 49ers. Somehow, I don’t think that Jim Haslett is going to reach that six win plateau. Last Week: 26

30. Oakland Raiders: Darren McFadden is set to come back to the Raiders at full strength after suffering a foot injury. Not that it will do much for the Raiders offense or anything, but he’s certainly more fun to watch than Huggy Bear. Last Week: 29

31. Cincinnati Bengals: A tie isn’t a loss, at least, right? I can’t help but feel like they should’ve traded Ochocinco when they had the chance. Sure they’d miss some pretty funny celebrations, but they could’ve gotten a draft pick or two instead of…well…a few funny celebrations. Last Week: 31

32. Detroit Lions: Nobody was more excited about the Lions’ opening drive touchdown than Dante Culpepper. Mostly because nobody was watching the game, and the people in the game knew they’d find a way to lose in the end. Last Week: 32

So I don’t know if any of you watch UFC. I don’t, really. I guess I just can’t appreciate the sport. But for whatever it’s worth, I understand its appeal to the mass public.

But one thing I do understand is Brock Lesnar. The former WWE Champion who wrestled at the University of Minnesota and tried out for the Vikings is old hat around here. But this week he became the UFC Heavyweight Champion, defeating 90-year old Randy Couture in what would’ve been a dream match had Lesnar not lost a couple months ago, and had it happened about five years ago.

Still, here’s the highlights if you want to watch a meathead beat up a skinny old man.