Last Night: John Cena shocked absolutely no one by winning the WWE World Heavyweight Title. Edge shocked just about everyone by growing a pretty badass beard. Also, Randy Orton made everybody in every other match fall over, making him the sole survivor. Who will survive…TONIGHT?!
Hey, you know who was a Survivor? Survivor Ashley! Anyway, it’s my birthday today, folks, and I don’t have time for any of these people, so let’s get started. Shane McMahon is just showing up, and for the first time ever, he actually cares that he was late. Maybe he was celebrating my birthday?
Shane McMahon: I suddenly felt like buying a bunch of alcohol for no reason.
Shad Gaspard: That…makes sense. You may pass.
JTG: Never show up late again, though.
Dolph Ziggler: Park your car, sir?
Kelly Kelly Kelly: You sound like an alcoholic, Shane. You should really get some help getting yourself under control.
Instead, Shane dances out onto the stage.
Shane: Yo yo yo yo yo! John Cena is the new champion! Booyah! But now what do we do? Well, the first thing I did was to remember that both Chris Jericho and The Tista have championship rematch clauses to cash in. Then, I set about forgetting those clauses. Then, I had a sandwich. The point is, the next Pay Per View is Armoire Gettin’, and if either of these guys wants any armoires, then they’re going to have to win tonight. So it’ll be Chris Jericho versus Dave Davidson for a shot at the Armoires next month!
Stephanie McMahon: Sorry to interrupt, Shane, but Todd Grisham wanted his glasses back this week. So how about Randy Orton? He’s done nothing to deserve a title shot since he’s come back, and we don’t owe him one either.
Shane: Perfect! He’s in the match!
Stephanie: Well, since we’re announcing random matches, what about John Morrison and The Miz taking on-
Shane: Rey Misterio and Shawn Michaels?
Stephanie: No. No! Where did that come from?! I was going to say Kofi Kingston and CM Punk! They’re the tag team champions, you know.
Shane: No, actually I forgot about that. Oh well, I already wrote Michaels and Misterio down on this paper.
Stephanie: Fine. Look, you clearly have no idea to book a show. Why don’t you just leave all of this in the capable hands of myself and Freddie Prinz Jr. while you go and enjoy your demonspawn back in Connecticut.
Shane: Fine. I will. But RAW is really going to suck with you in charge.
Stephanie: Oh, wonderful. That will really sell the show to people.
John Morrison and The Miz vs. Shawn Michaels and Rey Misterio
This is a rematch from last week, and I’m pretty sure Morrison isn’t going to get to Superkick Shawn again. Everybody but Shawn does backflips for a while, while HBK prances around the ring. Somwhow, I can’t get over how flippant Miz and Morrison are breaking the boundries that separate ECW and RAW. Those walls are there for a reason! Backstage, JBL wants his driver to drive down to ringside. Can…can you just do that? Because if I could get away with it that would be great. No way am I paying more than free for a front row seat.
Rey is literally bouncing on the ropes for no reason when we come back, and I’m pretty sure WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton is the only person in any of this that’s actually somewhat sane. And yes, that includes you, Shawn Michaels. Rey rolls Miz into a powerbomb for the win. Tag team match of the year! Or probably not. Morrison goes after Michaels after the match, but Bradshaw pops out of his limo and thwacks Morrison. Err…Face turn? Maybe? SHOCKING SWERVE~! At least. For sure. Maybe JBL just really hates dudes that wear body glitter.
Todd Grisham: Seriously, dude. You did not just have a face turn right there.
John Bradshaw Layfield: Oh, hell no. Nobody would accept that. I’m trying turn Shawn heel by proxy.
Grisham: And why in the world will he ever agree to that?! That guy is basically living off the crowd’s good will now. He’s like the new Mick Foley.
JBL: Oh, he has his reasons….
Grisham: And what are those?
JBL: Shh…We’re just letting this fade to black, Todd.
Grisham: I don’t thi-
Meanwhile, in the ring….
Lillian Garcia: And now, making his recommencing into the WWE locker room, just like…that other guy? Here’s…um…I forget.
Ken Kennedy: That’s right! It’s me! Ken Kennedy! And I’m back here in WWE after successfully filming the eighth sequel to some Steven Segal movie that’s going direct to DVD and the bottom of your Netflix queue, I’m sure. Anyway, I’m not going to be wrestling again, ever, because the second I take another punch I’m going to blow out my knees again. So here’s a humorous package of people telling you that Barack Obama reminds them of Michael Hayes because they’re both black.
Hey, is this a good time to tell you that Kennedy looks really weird now? He’s got a hipster goatee that makes him look less like a pro-wrestler and more like a douchey tech support guy.
Some Kid: Obama reminds me of Vince McMahon because they both walk funny.
Grisham: I can’t even believe that worked.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Well it DID!
Grisham: Ok. Whatever. I don’t care. Bradshaw’s technical tricks and Kennedy’s odd facial hair aside, let’s talk about you, Dave. What are you going to do to make RAW a worse place so that ratings can go into the hole and Shane McMahon can usurp Stephanie on RAW.
Batista: I am going to eat a SANDWICH!
Grisham: Uh…baby steps, I guess.
Batista: Babies can not WALK!
Grisham: That’s…Oh never mind.
Batista: I hate John CENA!
Kofi Kingston vs. Kane
In an Intercontinental Title Tournament Match
Ok. So this is a tournament to crown the #1 contender for the Intercontinental title. I’m honestly shocked that they could find eight guys who would think this thing was worth having matches over. They’ve even drug Pat Patterson out of mothballs to add his own unintelligible commentary to the mix. Oh, there’s an IC Title DVD. That explains eeeeeverything. Anyway, Kofi is Shelton to start. Kane tires quickly of all of this and bends Kofi over the ring post for a DQ. The IC Title may need more Kane, but he knows better than to listen to that nonsense. Stephanie comes out and offers up John Cena next week if Kane stops beating on Kofi. It just won’t do beating up the only black guy they’re actually pushing. Just one who thinks he’s the only black guy they’re actually pushing.
Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
For the #1 Contendership to the WWE World Heavyweight Title
So, let me get this straight: Jericho gets a guaranteed rematch, because he just lost the title last night. Batista gets a guaranteed rematch because he never got one against Jericho. And Randy Orton…is Randy Orton? So now they’re all just going to fight for it, and see what happens. What is this? TNA? The heels beat on Batista for a while, but quickly turn against each other as all heels eventually do. Orton lines Jericho up to fall over, but we’re going to go to a commercial now instead, ok? Geez. What the hell, show?
“Oh! Somebody’s about to win the match, let’s take a break.” Thankfully for the show, Orton didn’t win during the commercial. It was almost as if they *knew* he wouldn’t win. What kind of scam are they pulling on us here? Cody Rhodes and Manu are backstage, considering this randomly. Manu’s totally rocking that leather jacket, though. Badass. Dave fights his way back into things, overpowering his smaller opponents with his knowledge of words ending in a “th” sound. Dave gets a Spear on Orton, but Jericho knocks him off and takes the pinfall for himself. Oh, that Chris Jericho! He’s just like Edge, but on RAW! So he’s basically the new Chris Tian, who’s going to be totally pissed when he comes back and has to be Chris Jericho.
Backstage, Randy Orton can’t explain his loss to Cody Rhodes or Manu, who still looks totally badass.
Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix) vs. Goldust
So is Dustin back now? I thought they were trying to cut costs. Not that I think he’d be terribly expensive, but all that makeup can’t come cheap. Santino bitches about not being included on the Intercontinental Title DVD, and that is a little strange since he’s the only person who’s actually seemed to, you know, want the Intercontinental Title in the past twenty years. Dustin makes googly eyes at Beth to start. THAT’S HIS MOVE! While Santino is distracted by either that, or possibly wondering where Goldust’s dead rat is, Dust hits a suplex for the win. Oh. Maybe that was his move.
Hey! A commercial!
Charlie Haas: Hey! Remember when I dressed up like Bret Hart that one time? And I got beat up by that Russian Guy? Well, that was pretty much the highlight of my career. You can relive these and other classically depressing moments with this new series of WWE Collectors Plates! Who can forget Val Venis getting his weener chopped off? Not Val Venis, unfortunately! Or how about Shelton Benjamin’s Mama! He’ll never live that one down. And now, neither will you! And if you order in the next five minutes, you’ll get a free twenty piece “Worst of Mark Henry” set, absolutely free! The Hand of Mae Young! Sexing Up His Sister! All these moments will live on for generations!
CM Punk vs. Abe Orton
In an Intercontinental Title Tournament Match
William Regal is out with Layla El on commentary, talking about his “feud for the ages” with CM Punk. Did…did I miss that? And what ages are those, exactly? 6-10? Because that’s not exactly the age group we’re marketing this segment towards. Wait until Cena comes out. Abe with a hug to Punk. Aw, that’s nice. Regal realizes that he’s telegraphed the finish to this one, so he spends the next ten minutes talking about Orton’s teeth. Nice cover-up there, William. Your robe still sucks though. Punk with the Go To Sleep out of nowhere on Abe for the win. Afterwards, he gives Regal a look like, “I can’t belive this feud for the ages we’re having right now.”
Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Rey Misterio.
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Rey Misterio, and Rey, aren’t you even the slightest bit pissed that you’ve been busted back down to Intercontinental Title status?
Rey Misterio: Hell no, man. Did you see my World Title reign? I was awful. I don’t think I won a single match, so thankfully I never had to defend the title, you know? But seriously, I’ll take whatever I can get at this point. Plenty of people have had just fine careers as boring midcarders.
Mike Knox: Do you think I could be a boring midcarder some day?
Knox: Not even if I do the Mike Knox Pose?
Mike Knox does the Mike Knox Pose.
Rey: That was pretty awesome. I have to admit. But still…no.
Knox: My life is a joke!
Grisham: You’re telling me. That’s it for me. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Then, Todd Grisham bastes himself in a pleasant herb sauce and tosses himself into an oven preheated at 450 degrees for 2-3 hours. Todd Grisham has fallen. Serve with a nice white wine and cranberries.
Triple H: Hey, remember when we said DX would ne-
Shawn Michaels: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re reuniting every ten seconds now. So, what’s your deal? Didn’t you get laid out with a chair? Aren’t you pissed that you lost your WWE Spinnin’ Title to Edge last night?
HHH: Nah, man. I had a long talk with Nibblins last night, and I decided that if being Spinnin’ Champion means having to have another match with Vladamir Koslov, I’m better off without it. For now. Until I can win it back and lose it and win it back until I’ve got 50 World Title reigns.
Shawn: Hunter, are we going to sell some T-Shirts here or what?
Kelly Kelly Kelly: Did you know that, though the modern T-Shirt didn’t become a popular form of dress in American society until the 1940s, its invention can be traced back to the earliest Egyptian pharaohs?
Shawn: What is she doing here?
HHH: Shh! She’s like having a little Wikipedia in my pocket. And she knows stupid factoids too!
Kelly: Now, I’m going to take mine off!
Shawn: Noo! I’m coveting my neighbor’s wife!
Stephanie McMahon: And just what is going on in this segment?
HHH: We’re trying to sell Kelly here a T-Shirt. That was made in Egypt or something.
Stephanie: That sounds fairly reasonable. Carry on.
Beth Phoenix: OBJECTION! I object to women being objectified like we were last night! That “match” was nothing but a bathroom break between segments they actually wanted you to watch! I’d like to have a little bit of respect, thank you.
Jillian Hall: Beth, you can have whatever you like. You like. Yeah. You can have whatever you like!
Katie Lea Burchill: Patron on ice! We can pop bottles all night!
Beth: Don’t encourage her!
Beth Phoenix, Katie Lea Burchill, and Jillian Hall vs. Alexis Laree, Boobsie McTitsalot, and Melina
So, Melina’s entrance video played when Boobsie came out, so nobody was really surprised when she made her big return. Sorry Melina, you don’t get a heroic welcome. Not to mention that I thought you were still a heel. Let’s watch the level of discomfort between her and Alexis! They still hate each other from that one time when Alexis did Melina’s entrance in OVW! Hey! The Slammies are back! I swear…would it kill them to throw one my way this year? I’ve had a pretty good year! Melina with a pretty slick power bomb, but that’s not her move, so she hits her move (nickname: Lift Kick to the Face while I’m Holding You…Thing) on Katie for the win. That looked better when she did it before she ruined her ankle. Afterwards, Alexis and Melina awkwardly shake hands and then look away from each other really quickly. I can feel the love!
Stephanie McMahon: Chris Jericho? We haven’t fired you yet?
Chris Jericho: Nice to see you too, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Hey, don’t give me any sass, Jericho! You killed my dog!
Jericho: You told me to do that!
Stephanie: Don’t deflect your problems on me!
Jericho: Ugh…Now I remember why I left. I can only hope Redemption Song takes off.
Stephanie: You got rid of the Cobra Starship Keytar girl! It’s worthless now!
Jericho: Uh…Wait, you actually watch that show?
Stephanie: Nibblins is a big fan.
In the ring….
Chris Jericho: This main event interview is to inform you, once again, that wrestling is serious business. That John Cena, mister waving his hand and pretending he has street cred, was that the one that unseated me as the World Heavyweight champion is sad and a bit ridiculous. I mean…what is WWE thinking?! Haven’t they learned anything from the last 87 times that Cena was champion and things devolved into strange and stupid oceans of crap?
Backstage, John Cena is surrounded by an army of small children.
John Cena: I’m backstage surrounded by an army of small children who want to buy my T-Shirts and have me sign their stomachs. How does that make you feel Chris Jericho?
Jericho: A little creeped out, actually. You didn’t buy Neverland, did you?
John Cena strides down to ringside, the children enraptured in his Pan-like thrall.
Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO! YOOOOO!
Chris Jericho runnin’ his mouth,
Saying that wrestling blows,
Serious business he says,
Make fans want to watch the shows!
But I love all my fans,
Little kids and the tween girls,
Buyin’ my T-shirts and DVD!
Get a belt that spins and twirls!
This company isn’t for dudes,
And Internet circle jerks,
It’s for true John Cena fans,
Who don’t know the word “Works.”
You want good matches?
You want to tell me who you beat?
I don’t care about any of that,
I gotta pump up my feet!
Because I’m going to bring punches,
Gonna maul you like a bear,
Better take off your suit, Chris,
Because THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Chris Jericho: I cannot believe I lost to you. I cannot believe I’m seriously defending the workrate marks and greasy computer hacks. Listen to me! I’m standing up for Scott Keith! That makes me sick to my stomach. But I guess it’s better than coming out here and putting on Barbie’s Pony and Rap Wrestling Show every week. Barely.
Cena: HOW DARE YOU TALK DOWN ABOUT THE FANS OF BARBIE LIKE THAT!
Then John Cena totally goes nuts and starts punching Jericho until he’s knocked out and locks in the STFU, much to the delight of this one kid in the front row. What an asshole. And Cena is kind of a jerk too. What is his problem anyway? Kane seems to like it, though. Kane appreciates a good unprovoked attack.
Next Week: John Cena and Kane become best friends and then they beat the crap out of MVP for no reason. Shawn Michaels reveals that he’s made a deal to sell stock in Jesus to JBL. Oh, and more family bickering between Stephanie and Shane. Woo!