Happy New Year from all of us to all of you!
Nothing much here today. Here’s Aretha Franklin singing Auld Lang Syne. Hope you have a great 2009!
Happy New Year from all of us to all of you!
Nothing much here today. Here’s Aretha Franklin singing Auld Lang Syne. Hope you have a great 2009!
Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World
1. Merry Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza/Boxing Day/Whatever. It’s a time for joy, celebration, giving and receiving gifts, and bitching about having to spend time with family members you don’t want to spend time with. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!
2. Who Watches the Watchmen? Well…Fox. Fox is suing Warner for the distribution rights to The Watchmen movie due out next year. Yeah, it turns out that DC made a contract with Fox twenty years ago, Fox just kind of sat on it for a while, so DC gave up and shopped it around again. Well, now that the movie is due out next year, Fox wants back in on that action. And a billion nerds cried out in terror.
3. 75% of All Americans Glad Bush Is Out of Office. Bush finally won an oppinion pole! Despite some people’s ongoing misgivings about the future of the country, it’s nice that we can all agree on this one thing. Dick Cheney, of course, has a special Christmas message for all of us. “Fuck you, every one!”
4. Yahtzee from Zero Punctuation Makes a Terrible IPTV Show. So, this is why Internet TV sucks. Ben “Yahtzee” Crenshaw was best known as the reviewer behind clipart game review show Zero Punctuation. The reviews are short, funny, and brutal. However, all that success went to his head, and he decided to make a TV show with his doofy looking friends, and it’s pretty much the worst thing ever, and has people turning away from Zero Punctuation. He’s sort of like my generation’s Kevin Rose.
5. Jennifer Anniston Can Shut Up Already. I could take the obviously photoshopped GQ Magazine pictorial, the article where she casually namedrops Angelina Jolie 500 times and calls her a bitch, the trillion interviews about her stupid depressing dog movie (she’s on a promotional tour people!), and her cloying fake relationship with John Mayer. Fine. But Marley and Me beat Benjamin Button at the box office this weekend. She finally got her revenge. Now can she please shut the fuck up?
Places of Interest
Light’s Hope Chapel
Acherus: The Ebon Hold
Pre-Wrath of the Lich King, Western Plaguelands was a simple leveling zone. A place you’d visit a few times in your mid-50s, to complete a few quests out of Light’s Hope, then you’d bail out to do quests everywhere else. Now, however, there is a little extra incentive to do quests that tie into the storyline of Wrath of the Lich King, and at the very least, it’s the starting zone for all new Death Knights.
In the end, however, Eastern Plaguelands falls into the same sort of trap that WPL does, in that there isn’t much to the quests. Most of them are either long chains that you had to pick up long before, not worth doing compared to comperable quests in other zones, or quests that force you into instances to pick up the quests items. There’s more to EPL than there was to WPL, but not by much.
Mining: Gold, Mithril, Truesilver, Thorium The Thorium tends to get buried in hard to reach areas or behind hordes of undead mobs, but if you can get through or around them, it’s one of the better spots in Eastern Kingdoms to get mild quantities of Thorium fast.
Herbalism: Arthas’ Tears, Golden Sansam, Dreamfoil, Mountain Silversage, Plaguebloom, Black Lotus, Sungrass Pretty good spot to gather herbs, and as you can see there’s a nice variety of plants to choose from. Three rare herbs (Black Lotus, Arthas’ Tears, and Plaguebloom) make appearances here as well.
Cloth: Mageweave, Runecloth Honestly, poorer drop rate than you’d hope, especially with the prevalence of undead and Scarlet Crusade mobs in the area. But still, if you’re in the area, you can pick up a pretty good amount of Runecloth to keep your First Aid or Tailoring chugging.
Leather: Thick Leather, Rough Leather Not much difference in the quality or quantity of leather you can get here as from WPL. Solid amount of bears, bats, and hounds in the interior portions of the zone that will keep you moving through the upper level of Master skinning.
Like its neighbor to the West, Eastern Plaguelands is a fine zone that tells a great narrative to go along with the current expansion pack. However, there’s not much meat to most of the quests here, which will probably have you spinning for another zone in short order. If you plan on rolling a Death Knight (and you do), you’ll have to take a look at this zone a few times, and Stratholme is a worthwhile instance for 55+ players, but other than that, EPL is entirely skippable.
I’m taking a day to celebrate the Holidays with my family. I’ll be here with WoW Uh…Wednesday, tomorrow.
1. Tennessee Titans: Back to their winning ways, but somebody should tell Chris Johnson that the end zone doesn’t start at the five yard line. My suggestion? DeSean Jackson. Last Week: 1
2. New York Giants: It was running that led the Giants to their 12th win of the season, but it’s going to take a whole lot more to make up for their inconsistent pass offense in the Playoffs. Like the receivers not shooting themselves. Last Week: 3
3. Pittsburgh Steelers: You can’t really ride them for losing to the Titans, but defensively, they looked rather out of sorts on Sunday. That can’t be heartening. Last Week: 2
4. Carolina Panthers: Another great game by Williams, but the Panthers just didn’t have what it took to overcome the Giants. They’ve got the makings of a team with a solid Playoff run in them, however. Last Week: 4
5. Indianapolis Colts: The Colts are used to playing meaningless games in December, but not with a Wild Card berth. So do you rest your starters now? Last Week: 5
6. Atlanta Falcons: It was a bit of a struggle, but the Falcons somehow managed to ground Adrian Peterson long enough to guarantee themselves at least a Wild Card, which is more than Michael Vick could say. Last Week: 6
7. New England Patriots: They made the Cardinals look bad, which, admittedly, isn’t that difficult to do lately. They still need some help to get into the Playoffs, but they’re doing their part. Last Week: 9
8. Miami Dolphins: The Fins are in the driver’s seat for the first time in forever, with either a Wild Card or the division potentially on the line. How will the young team react? Just remember: Laces out. Last Week: 10
9. New York Jets: I understand it was in the snow, but you could muster three points against the Seahawks? Really? Awful time for Brett to be giving Mike Holmgren a retirement gift. Last Week: 8
10. Dallas Cowboys: They lost again this week, but, in semi-comical fashion, managed to improve their playoff position. What is this, the BCS? Last Week: 11
11. Minnesota Vikings: For the sake of every Vikings fan in the world, I really, really hope that the team spends every minute of practice this week working on hanging onto the damn football. Last Week: 7
12. Arizona Cardinals: So…I guess they’re not particularly worried about improving their Playoff positioning, eh? Or maybe it’s an honor just to be nominated. Last Week: 12
13. Baltimore Ravens: Baltimore’s sort of a fascinating case study in that they have a solid defense, great running backs, a mid-range passing game, and yet, they’re still not able to get any production from anywhere when it counts. Last Week: 13
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: If the NFL films department needs an iconic image for this season, and doesn’t want to use Plaxico Burress limping into police custody, might I suggest Jeff Garcia gushing blood onto the field while wondering what happened to this season? Last Week: 14
15. Denver Broncos: After what looked like an inevitable West win, the Broncos are playing for their Playoff lives this week against the Chargers. It’s a good thing this team has a cadre of great running ba…Oh wait. Last Week: 15
16. Chicago Bears: Shockingly, the Bears are only a win and a Vikings loss from making the Playoffs. All that stands between them and their dreams are a Giants team that’s resting up and a Houston team that loves winning meaningless games. Last Week: 16
17. San Diego Chargers: Three weeks ago, they were doing the math on what draft position they’d be in. Now…they’re still doing it, but they’ve got a Playoff spot wrapped up if they can beat Denver. Last Week: 18
18. Philadelphia Eagles: To make the Playoffs, Philly needs to win, Dallas, Chicago, and Tampa to lose, the gates of Hades to open at exactly 7:00 p.m. (Mountain time) and Andy Reid needs to turn around eight times and say “Marv Levy” while looking into a mirror. I’m not kidding. This was in the NFL rule book. Last Week: 17
19. Houston Texans: A slight bump in the road on the Run at Futility tour prevented the Texans from finishing with a winning season. But that won’t stop them from trying to finish without a losing season this week. Last Week: 19
20. New Orleans Saints: If the NFL itself implodes, and eight teams in the NFC decide they didn’t want to make the Playoffs after all, I’m pretty sure that the Saints are still just playing to see if they can get Drew Brees over the NFL record for passing yards this week. Last Week: 20
21. Washington Redskins: It was nice of Jason Taylor to take time off from learning the Two Step and pretending to audition for acting roles to play in this week’s Redskins game. Last Week: 21
22. Buffalo Bills: The Bills finally won their 7th game this week, but it’s about five weeks too late. There’s plenty of talent in various places on this roster, but not in any of the right places for a playoff run. Last Week: 25
23. Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers will never lose the label of “Not Brett Favre” now. Despite having better all-around numbers than Favre, Rodgers has had the bad luck of being the QB of a team with a shitty, shitty defense. Last Week: 23
24. San Francisco 49ers: The Niners are still playing hard, at least, which is more than I can say for most other teams right now. There’s a real sense that they’re playing for the future, which, funnily enough, means they should be trying to lose more so they can draft a player that’s any good. Last Week: 24
25. Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars are pretty much just nonsense this year. I don’t even have a specific comment about them. They’re just nonsense. Last Week: 22
26. Cincinnati Bengals: They managed one offensive touchdown in Sunday’s game, which is practically a record this year. Way to turn it on to close the season, guys. Last Week: 27
27. Seattle Seahawks: One last win for Mike Holmgren, in the snow in Seattle. There’s not much hope they’ll be good next season, but it was a nice way to help close out a career. Last Week: 28
28. Cleveland Browns: Romeo Crennel says that he’s preparing for next season as though he’ll be the Browns Head Coach. That’s funnier than anything else that I could write here. Last Week: 26
29. Kansas City Chiefs: What a disappointing season, in which the Chiefs finally found an offense at the end of the year, but are still struggling to find a defense, special teams, coaching, and talent.Last Week: 29
30. Oakland Raiders: Tom Cable said this week that he believes JaMarcus Russell has turned the corner. Like, what? Turned the corner and slammed into a wall? Last Week: 29
31. Saint Louis Rams: I’m trying to think of something nice to say about the Rams this season, but I’ve really got nothing. They’re not even bad enough to get the number one pick in the draft. Last Week: 31
32. Detroit Lions: Racing toward history! 0-15! One more loss to go! Who will out suck the others? Packers vs. Lions! TODAY ON FOX! Last Week: 32
So, it wasn’t a particularily big year for YouTube. Hulu took away a lot of its ad revenue, by showcasing legal, free TV shows and movies, but YouTube still dominates the market for depressed teenagers and crazy old men posting videos of themselves crying about all the injustices of the world.
Maybe, like me, you were too distracted by the rapidly unraveling economy to watch YouTube throw a multi-million dollar party celebrating itself and its impact on goth tweens. Thankfully, you’re in luck.
Here’s the official video of YouTube Live’s “Mythbusters” episode. In the related links, you can find all the rest of it. If you really want to.
Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World.
1. The Price Is Actually Right for Once. Thanks to some help from a Price is Right nerd in the audience (yes, there actually are Price Is Right nerds), Terry Kneiss guessed the exact right price during the Showcase, only the second time it’s ever happened. Pretty much everybody on the staff acted like they hated poor Terry, who was just bidding what some dude in the audience told him to. I’d do it too if they were offering me a free trip to Bavaria, or wherever.
2. The Arena Football League Finally Folded. They’re saying that they have “left the door open for a return in the future” but the reality is that the AFL has gone to that great XFL field in the sky. So, thanks for Kurt Warner, his harpy wife, and…That’s it. Thanks, AFL!
3. Bush Gets Early Practice for New Career as a Shoe Salesman. An Iraqi journalist, fed up with George Bush’s crap, took off his shoes and chucked them at W’s head during a press conference. The guy never hit, but tell me the idea hasn’t come up. Actually, Bush was remarkably good natured about the whole thing, and the Secret Service looked like they didn’t really care.
4. The Golden Globe Nominations Are Out. Yes, Heath Ledger was nominated, along with a billion cable shows and actors you’ve never heard of. I have yet to meet a person that’s actually sat through an entire episode of Mad Men. But I hear it’s great. Sadly, my TV show, Manu and the Tough Guys was not nominated.
5. The RIAA Has Agreed to Cease and Desist. In a statement this week, the RIAA has agreed to (for now) suspend any pending and future litigation against people it catches downloading music. They’ll still have their feelers out there checking out the Internet, and they’ll still beg your ISP to kick you off the Internet for downloading “Whatever You Like,” but for now, the great Internet War is at a ceasefire.
Last Night: So…Pretty much nothing happened with John Cena and Chris Jericho. And Shawn Michaels is apparently still poor. Look, I know it didn’t happen on this show, but can we talk for a second about Jeff Hardy? I mean, what was up with that?! We probably won’t find out…TONIGHT!
Kelly Kelly Kelly and Melina vs. Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella)
Uh…Is this really what you want to kick off with, show? Really? I love how Beth recoils in terror every time Santino tries to bite her arm now. It’s a little late to be calling him out on that particular fetish, dear. Then again, I’m still pissed off from that time two years ago, when you hooked up with that bitch Iris instead of Maya. What? Please do not tell me you were interested in play by play on this match. Please. Kelly with a roll-up (that’s her move!) for the win. Afterwards, Kane shows that he and I are on the same wavelength in wondering why the hell they lead off with the women’s match, so he chases them all out of the ring. Needed more Kane about five minutes ago, bro. He offers to give Kelly a hug, though, and I don’t hate him for it. She takes off though, because women are kind of jerks.
Kelly Kelly Kelly: Help! Kane is slowly shambling after me!
Jamie Knoble: Do you want I should kick him in the balls?
Kelly: Ew! Jamie Knoble? You’re worse than Kane!
Kane: I’m going to get you! Well…If you stop that is. If you just keep running, I probably won’t catch up.
Kelly smartly decides to hide under a lampshade.
Kane: What an odd lamp! This is perfect though, this hallway could use a little more light. Wait a minute. Kellyyyyy!
Kelly: I knew I should’ve hid behind that lifesized Kelly Kelly Kelly cut out! What do you want?
Kane: I just want to talk to you.
Kelly: Oh. Ok then.
Rey Misterio vs. Sim Snuka
So, yeah. He’s still just Deuce. Sorry, dude. I thought his name was “Jim” anyway? Maybe Lillian got it wrong? It wouldn’t be the first time. See, this is the thing though. Domino wanted to come back apparently as some kind of low rent Internet TV Show host, but that’s so played out right now. He should’ve just told everybody that Jake Roberts was his dad. Who’s going to check that? I bet Jake wouldn’t even know! Anyway, somebody backstage notices that Sim’s bladder score is getting low, so The Lemony (well, Cody and Manu, anyway) makes their way to ringside. Who will they side with? Rey Misterio Jr or The Deuce?! It’s Sim, of course, and he, Manu, and Cody chase Rey off while sharing meaningful glances. I think I liked DiBiase better. Is he even in The Lemony? Rey’s backing out of there, when Mike Knox comes out and declares that he is MIKE KNOX, causing Rey to fall ove in terror. Orton wins!
And now, it’s time for DX!
Triple H: Hey! It’s cold out, even in California, so now’s a perfect time to grab a DX Sweatshirt! This thing is, like, paper thin, but it’s got a hood on it. And a big ugly patch that says “WWE” in case you don’t get ridiculed in public enough.
Shawn Michaels: Yeah. I guess. Maybe if somebody bought a billion of them.
HHH: Still down on your luck, Shawn?
Shawn: Yeah. Totally.
HHH: Want me to sell Aurora Borealis and give you the proceeds?
Shawn: No way, Hunter! I’m going to make it on my own! These DX commercials will turn this frown upside down!
HHH: Yeah, except that when you split the profits between you, me, Chyna, X-Pac, Billy Gunn, Road Dogg, Stephanie, and Rick Rude’s estate, you’re only making like…two cents for every shirt we sell.
Shawn: Aw man! I didn’t know those guys were still getting a piece of this action. I hate this merchandise now.
HHH: Well, at least you still get all the profits from this HBearK teddy bear!
Shawn: As seen in The Lord of the Reign epic!
HHH: We…actually can’t talk about that anymore.
Shawn: Why not?
HHH: Because Bris Cenoit was the star of that.
Shawn: Ooooh, right. I was only in, like, ten minutes of that thing. I forgot.
HHH: Yeah. I had to spend four hours on top of a building with Raven and Flair. Not a great day, let me tell you.
Shawn: Raven? I love her show! Did you get her autograph?!
HHH: Err…No…I forgot.
Kelly: -and that’s why Lord Liverpool decided to pull back the British Navy.
Kane: I think I wrestled Lord Liverpool once. Anyway, this isn’t about the War of 1812, Kelly. This is about us. Do you think it’s coincidence that we presented the best couple award last week? We really are the best couple.
Kelly: Are you sure about that? I mean, you haven’t exactly had a lot of success in relationships, you know?
Kane: Listen, it’s…do you like chicken parmesan?
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and I really don’t want to be.
Randy Orton: Toddster, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, former holster of the UPW Headyweight Chocolate Chip, and leader of the Lemony! Last night, I didn’t get any of the armors. Now where will I store my pints?
Grisham: You know what? I’m going to go ahead and leave now.
Orton: You go ahead and lead, Toddster! And tell The Tista that I want my armor!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I was standing to the side the whole TIME!
Orton: The Tista! My normal cyst! I’m walking down to the wing, and I dare you to fallout me!
Batista: I will do THAT!
Orton runs down to the ring, followed closely by Dave. But, shockingly, The Tista is waylaid by Manu and The Tough Guy. What a RUSE~! Just when it looks like it’s all over for Batista, John Cena runs out. And yes, Cena’s presence is enough to scare off The Lemony. Except for Orton, but I don’t think he even really noticed.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Thank you for saving ME!
John Cena: Yo, no problem, Big Dave! I hate The Lemony just as much as anybody. Randy Orton kicked my dad in the head once, you know? He hasn’t been able to do a Jumble since! And you don’t know my dad, but his life isn’t worth living without a Jumble or two!
Batista: I love JUMBLES! And I want your BELT!
Todd Grisham: You guys are taking on the Lemony in a 2-on-3 handicap match tonight. I just thought I’d let you know.
Cena: Do you want to be our tag team partner, Todd?
Grisham: Nope. I have plans for tonight.
Todd Grisham takes a swig of rat poison. Todd Grisham has fallen.
“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. Chris Jericho
And that match isn’t going to happen.
Chris Jericho: Hell no. What is this, Internet Heat?
“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: Let’s wrestle, Tough Guy! HOOOOOO!
Jericho: Look, I won a Slammy and am a former three time world champion. I’m not wrestling friggin’ Hacksaw. Wrestling is supposed to be serious business, and there’s nothing serious about this guy’s business. So, I’m going to go ahead and leave.
Hacksaw does that “Everybody’s making fun of me” frown that he makes every few days now. Seriously, how many times is it now that they’ve run the nobody is taking Jim Duggan seriously angle? Even he must be sick of it now.
Kelly Kelly Kelly: -which led to the Smoot-Hawley Tariff being enacted in 1930.
Kane: Heh. Smoot. So, hey, are you seeing anybody right now?
Kelly: Who aren’t I seeing? I really had a thing for Punk for a while, Balls Mahoney-
Kane: Wait, really?
Kelly: Uh-huh. Um-
Mike Knox: MIKE KNOX!
Kelly: Oh, yeah! Mike Knox! Teddy Long, Kofi, Val Venis-
Kane puts his head and his hands.
Kelly: Do you know Steve the Accountant? Whatever. WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance.
Kane: You know what? I’m going to go.
Kelly: Please, Kane, don’t hurt him!
Kane: Wait…Which one?
Kelly: Err…Marty Alliance.
Kane: I really miss Lita.
CM Punk and Kofi Kingston vs. Miz and Morrison
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles
In case you were wondering, apparently Kofi and Punk lost the belts on a house show, which should tell you what WWE thinks of them. Kofi should be used to it though, he is Shelton after all. Miz and Morrison still act like the Slammys are more important than the belts though. Weirdly, I kind of wish they used them like belt dongs like MNM used to do. Wait…Why the hell do I want them to do that? I really hate this show sometimes, you know that? Miz and Morrison bail to regroup, so Kofi throws Punk at them.
Kofi is a house afire. You shouldn’t smoke in bed, Kofi! Regal and Layla are out on stage by the way. Even Layla’s dated Kelly. Punk kicks everyone in the head because he’s the one having the Feud for the Ages with Regal, here. This is almost as entertaining as my feud for the ages with Dave Meltzer. Except that Regal actually knows that Punk exists. Morrison hits a neck breaker on Kofi for the win. After the match, Kane runs…er…walk…shambles? Yeah, he shambles out and frowns at everybody. Then he hits a chokeslam and a Tombstone on The Miz. This match needed more Kane, and earlier.
Hey, it’s the Pittsburgh Steelers! Don’t you all have a game to prepare for? Hey! It’s JBL!
John Bradshaw Layfield: Some of you have said that it’s hard to believe that Shawn Michaels is in the poorhouse and needs to work for me even though he’s been making seven figures easy for the past couple years and is constantly hovering around the main event. Here’s this video that proves it.
Shawn Michaels: Man! What an amazing match! I’m sorry your career is over, Naitch, but thanks for the memories.
Ric Flair: WOO! Retire me?! I’m already retired! Retire me?! I’m already retired!
Shawn: Did you see all those people in that crowd? I can’t wait to see that check! Got a lot of bills coming due this month.
Flair: Have you been saving up?
Shawn: Every penny! A few more years and I’ll be set for life! I’ll be able to finally give my back and knees a rest, and not have to worry about the future for Whyspyr and the kids!
Flair: A few years? A few YEARS?! How about months, my friend? Now that my wrestling career is over, I’m branching out! The economy is solid as it’s ever been, so I’m going to start my own financial firm! I’d be honored if you became the first and only customer of Ric Flair Financial, where the most important customer is WOOO!
Shawn: I dunno, Ric. Didn’t you just get tagged for owing, like, $100,000 in back taxes?
Flair: No, that was some other Ric Flair.
Shawn: Ok, I guess I’m in then. I can’t wait to retire! I’ve got so many plans for my life, you know?
Flair: Yeah, I know what having plans is like! Ok, let me introduce you to my five step plan for a better you! First, we’re going to Vegas and laying down $10 million that the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl this year.
Flair: They’re due! Secondly, we’re going to invest heavily in the U.S. housing market. There’s never been a better time to buy! We’ll also be buying stocks in American motor companies. There’s nothing more solid out there than Ford and Chevy, right?
Shawn: I guess?
Flair: Finally, I’m giving whatever’s left over to my good friend John WOO BY GOD McCain! And when he gets elected, we’ll get billions in tax breaks and federal pardons for any crimes we’ve committed!
Shawn: Err…Didn’t you say there were five steps?
Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!
Kelly Kelly Kelly: Ok, I’m getting out of here. RAW has been really awful tonight. A women’s match to start? Really?
Boobsie McTitsalot: You know what would make it better? Boobs.
Alexis Laree: Shut up, Boobsie. So, Kelly, aren’t you afraid that Kane will come after you?
Kelly: If I was, would I be sitting here chatting with you two?
Alexis: Good point.
Boobsie: Well then why didn’t you tell us you were dating Miz?
Kelly: Um…first because I hate you, Boobsie. And second because I’m not. Do you know how long I’ve been looking for somebody to finally beat that jerk up for enslaving me back in ECW? I mean, Jesus. Finally.
Alexis: Wow, you really know how to hold a grudge, Kelly.
Kelly: Yeah, well I’ve got the memory of an elephant and occasionally I read my Wikipedia page.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Santa Clhaas
Isn’t Santa Clhaas some kind of horrible demon? Whatever. Dolph Ziggler will introduce himself to any demon. I can’t believe they’re blowing Charlie Haas as Santa here instead of at the Tribute to the Troops. Unless Joey Styles was Santa, and him beating up JBL was my present. I asked for clean coal in my stocking, but that’d do. Wait…Is Joey Styles Jewish? Oh whatever. I’ve already gone too far for that joke. The crowd loves Santa, which has to make Haas happy, but Dolph hits him with his move (That’s his move!) for the win. After the match, Dolph tears Haas’ costume apart, while WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance begs Dolph to stop beating up Santa and think of the kids. I can see what Kelly sees in him!
I don’t recognize anybody in Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia except Ken Kennedy, and even that’s kind of a stretch.
“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: I’ll never amount to anything.
Shad Gaspard: You’re probably right.
JTG: No, he’s definitely right.
Chris Jericho: Does it bother you that Cryme Tyme and John Cena don’t hang out any more? Because that kind of bothers me.
Stephanie McMahon: A little bit, yeah. But what bothers me even more is that you undermined my position! If I want to humiliate you over and over and over again by having you wrestle Jim Duggan, then you damn well better do it. I thought that you would’ve known by now, Chris, that your WWE tenure is pretty much just for my personal amusement.
Jericho: Wait…if you’re here, and Triple H is lurking out by the production truck, who’s at home watching your kids?
Stephanie: Oh no!
WWE Chief Babysitter Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Babysitter Dr. The Boogeyman and I’m coming to BABYSIT Yoooooooooou!
Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: *sigh*
Cody Rhodes: I’ll tell you what, being a heel isn’t all its cracked up to be. If I’m not getting beaten up by The Tista, I’m getting run off by John Cena. First having to hang out with Bob Holly, now this! I just can’t buy a break.
Manu: Don’t look at me for any sympathy, man. I’m just chillin’ over here in my leather jacket. I’m just waiting for my own VH1 reality show to start happening around me.
Randy Orton: Oh no! The Lemony is failing apart at the steams! I hatched my horse to the wrong dragon!
Cody: This group was your idea!
Orton: This interlude is OVER!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” and John Cena vs. The Lemony
You know I hate it when you do that to me, show. Jericho is right, by the way. It kind of bothers me that Cena and Cryme Tyme don’t hang out anymore. What happened there that made them stop being friends? Did Shad and JTG suddenly realize that Cena was killing their street cred? OH! What if he introduced them to Tha Trademarc?! That association would be over right then and there, let me tell you. The show goes into the break with Orton tagging Manu in, which has been the most thrilling thing that’s happened so far.
I wonder if Cena’s really mad at these guys because Ted DiBiase stole his roll in The Marine 2: Even Marinier. Mariner? What the hell do you even call that? When an even lower rent version of a wrestler takes over a direct to DVD wrestling movie series? Oh, that’s right. Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia. Seriously though (with all deference to Chris Jericho), who is going to see this movie on NetFlix and say to themselves, “Holy crap! Ted DiBiase is in this movie! I have to see it RIGHT NOW!” Unless they thought it was his dad, maybe?
Lt. Armyface: Sir! Your wife has been kidnapped! Again! For the eleventh time! By Columbian warlord Kolonel Kennedy! And he’s demanding a $10 billion ransom!
The Marine: Every man has a price! Hahahahahahaha!
Lt. Armyface: Sir, have you ever thought about, you know, not taking her to Columbia?
(The Marine kicks the lieutenant’s basketball away right before he dribbles for the tenth time.)
Randy kicks Dave in the head and punches WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda, which is no beating up Santa Claus, but it’s still enough for a DQ. Cena chases them all off, but the damage has already been done. Dave will never do a Jumble again!
Next Week: Defying all expectations, starts on the recovery trail and manages one third of a Jumble. Also, Kelly Kelly Kelly goes on a triple date with Kofi Kingston, Ken Kennedy and Kane or as I like to call them, KKKKKKKK. Also? Shawn Michaels bets the rest of his savings that CM Punk/William Regal wins Feud of the Year at next year’s Slammys.
I don’t know if there will ever be any more SBCG4APs, in fact, neither does TellTale), but if there aren’t 8-Bit Is Enough is nearly a perfect way to close out the series. Though they never pushed an overarching storyline through the series like they did with Sam & Max, the TellTale staff have put a rather nice bow on things.
The story of the game is rather inconsequential, as usual, but I’ll try to summarize as best as possible. In an attempt to fix his Trogdor Arcade Game, Strong Bad accidentally breaks reality, causing the 8-Bit world of his Fun Machine to merge with reality. This opens up a lot of new avenues for mockery, including several call backs to earlier jokes in the series and an episode long diatribe by Strong Bad about how much he hates adventure games.
One of the funniest on-going bits is Homestar serving as sort of an in-game narrator. It gives Strong Bad someone else to play off of throughout the episode, which was actually sort of relieving. The not-so playful interactions between the two offer up most of the game’s true highlights and serve as a great outlet for the otherwise somewhat clunky in-game hints system.
There’s not much in the way of extras this time out, as most of the that would’ve been spent putting together extra features like the console games and Teen Girl Squads, was put into throwing everything at the wall in the main game. I will say, however, that Gelarshi’s Skateboarding game, while a funny concept, is probably my least favorite “mini-game” ever.
There is an extra section towards the end of the game that mimics/mocks a classic gaming genre, which breaks up the adventuring monotony a little bit. And while it plays fine (true to its control scheme, anyway), it’s kind of an antclimactic way to bring you to the “final boss” of the series.
There are plenty of hidden items to collect, however, with a few different methods to grab them. Unless you’re despirate to get 100% completetion, you can safely ignore most of them, but you’ll be missing out on a few cute lines of dialog if you don’t track some of them down.
Pretty good for the most part. They change up the control schemes on you a few times based on what you’re doing and at times it doesn’t work as well as they’d probably hoped it would. Specifically a tour of a “haunted mansion” has very fiddly and frustrating movement controls. Also, there’s a “loading screen” of sorts, whenever Strong Bad leaps into a new video game. It’s cute the first time you see it, but consdering you *have* to watch the same thing around ten times, it’s a little tiresome.
Funnily enough, the graphics in this episode are probably the best in the series. Every world has its own unique look and seeing how the characters gel with worlds that have better/worse graphics than they do is sort of fascinating. Spectifically, it’s kind of amusing to see the 3-D Strong Bad traverse the EGA graphics world of Peasant’s Quest.
The Characters themselves haven’t changed in animation much, however, which is unfortunate in some cases. Strong Bad and Homestar look fine, as usuall, but a lot of the ancilliary characters, specifically Bubs, Coach Z, Strong Sad and the Poopsmith still don’t animate right. It’s kind of weird seeing a new character like Gelarshi look so much better than a character like Strong Sad who’s appeared in every episode thus far.
The voices, at least, all feel just right this time out. Even Coach Z, who has sounded off in every episode, hits a lot closer to the voice Matt Chapman uses in the cartoons. Again, the comic timing between Strong Bad and Homestar this episode is the best it has ever been.
Musically 8-Bit Is Enough has its ups and downs. The standard “travelling music” makes lenghty appearances here, but every new game you visit has its own unique theme. Most of them will be familiar to fans of the series, and all of them do a good job of setting the mood for their particular scene. Still, if this is the last game the series will ever see, it would have been nice if they’d been able to close with a showstopping musical number, just like the series opened with.
The extended play feature seems to be a little more rushed, which is sad because Dangeresque had just the right amount of extended play. As such, there’s not much reason to play back through unless you really like collecting the collectables, or if you want to play through some of the funnier jokes again.
Final Score: 9/10
While it’s not perfect, 8-Bit Is Enough is the best game of the Strong Bad series. Most of the jokes are spot on for fans of the series or adventure games, and even the real groaners will probably make you smile. I think this is the first game in the series that I actually caught myself laughing out loud at some of the lamer one liners.
To a point, it is kind of hard to recommend this series based on the puzzles or game play, because I think there are far more failures than successes in that department. Even in this episode, there are a few puzzles that will just rub you the wrong way. But as a presentation of the Homestar Runner universe and an entertainment experience, it’s hard to deny these games’ charms. And there hasn’t been a more charming episode than 8-Bit is Enough.
If you’re interested in taking a look at the game, you can download a copy of the PC Demo at the TellTale Website.
1. Tennessee Titans: The Titans lost to the Texans, but they’re still in the best position to make a run at the AFC Title. At least partially because every other team in the NFL sucks. Last Week: 1
2. Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers are making their big push at just the right time. They’ve still got issues, but there aren’t many teams playing better defensively. Last Week: 3
3. New York Giants: After starting off the season on a record clip, the Giants have fallen off significantly. The loss to Dallas may have cost them home field advantage throughout the Playoffs. Last Week: 2
4. Carolina Panthers: DeAngelo Williams is on an incredible run (excuse the pun), but the true test for the Panthers’ attack will come this week as they try to overtake the Giants. Last Week: 4
5. Indianapolis Colts: Indy’s gone seven for their last seven, and put themselves back into the Playoffs. But this clearly isn’t your typical Colts team, and they’re going to have trouble. Last Week: 5
6. Atlanta Falcons: Atlanta’s well on its way to clinching a wild card berth, surprising considering how last year went. Interesting match-up and a potential playoff preview against the Vikings on Sunday. Last Week: 13
7. Minnesota Vikings: The loss of Pat Williams will hurt their Playoff chances, but whoever replaced Tarvaris Jackson with a decent quarterback deserves a medal. Last Week: 14
8. New York Jets: Hard to argue with a win, but their lack of a pass rush on *J.P. Losman* has to worry you if you’re a Jets fan. Last Week: 10
9. New England Patriots: The Patriots are on a treadmill to nowhere, even if they do make the Playoffs, but their ability to keep pace despite everything that’s gone wrong for them is sort of admirable. Last Week: 11
10. Miami Dolphins: Speaking of keeping pace, the Dolphins, once a threat to go 0-16, are doing a remarkable job. This is the blueprint for the Lions. Hire Bill Parcells and Chad Pennington and you’ll be fine. Last Week: 12
11. Dallas Cowboys: This is clearly a disjointed, even sometimes bad, Dallas team, but they’re dangerous enough to make a run in January. Last Week: 13
12. Arizona Cardinals: After being told to “Act like you’ve been here before,” Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett replied, “I haven’t been here before, I don’t know how to act.” And that’s pretty clear. Last Week: 6
13. Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens can’t score, and therein lies the problem. Joe Flacco is great at playing with, and protecting a lead, but if they have any hopes of Playoff glory, the defense is going to have to carry the load. Last Week: 7
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: One week after looking like a sure thing for the Playoffs, it’s gotten a lot more dicey for Tampa. Pedigree suggests they’ll make it, but pedigree doesn’t play on Sundays. Last Week: 8
15. Denver Broncos: They’re probably going to win the AFC West by default, but this is a team that scares absolutely no one but themselves. Last Week: 15
16. Chicago Bears: The Bears have a 1 in 16 chance of making the Playoffs this year, and if they make it, I suggest that every one of them go out and buy a lottery ticket. Last Week: 17
17. Philadelphia Eagles: After his turnover filled weekend a few weeks ago, Donovan McNabb has really turned it around. Not that anybody will notice, because he’ll be sitting on his couch in a few weeks. Last Week: 18
18. San Diego Chargers: A last minute field goal kept the tiniest vestiges of hope alive for the Chargers to make the Playoff, but this is clearly an organization that needs some shaking up. Last Week: 22
19. Houston Texans: HaHAHA! I love the Texans and their annual run at 8-8. I know I talk about it every week, but it’s pretty much the best thing ever. Last Week: 20
20. New Orleans Saints: So can that be the end of the Drew Brees MVP Hype? I’m sorry, but if your team can’t scratch together a Playoff run in this year’s NFL, you don’t deserve a vote. Last Week: 17
21. Washington Redskins: A sad state of affairs when you go from “Playoff Contention” to “Losing to the Bengals.” There’s even talk that Zorn could get fired, weeks after he was being hailed as Coach of the Year. Last Week: 19
22. Jacksonville Jaguars: Solid performance from an otherwise awful Jags team. This gives them something to build on next year, I guess, but it’s difficult to take much from that considering they went deep into the Playoffs last year. Last Week: 25
23. Green Bay Packers: The Packers officially played themselves out of the Playoffs, and now the blame game can begin. Ted Thomson’s looking a whole lot less rosy. Last Week: 19
24. San Francisco 49ers: The 49ers improbably win streak ends at…two. Oh well, that’s two more wins than they probably deserved this year. Best of luck next season, Big Mike. Last Week: 23
25. Buffalo Bills: J.P. Losman said before Sunday’s game that he was making a highlight reel to show to teams in free agency next year. Apparently, he’s angling to join the Lions. Last Week: 24
26. Cleveland Browns: The Romeo Crennel Death Watch is heading into its waning days and there are a million questions surrounding the future of the Browns organization. First and foremost, find 9,000 new quarterbacks. Last Week: 26
27. Cincinnati Bengals: As much as I don’t care about the Bengals, it’s kind of nice to see the team get one little win. Fitzpatrick had a good win, and everybody felt great for a week. Now they can lose the rest of their games. Last Week: 30
28. Seattle Seahawks: How about this? Brett Favre in the waning days of his career playing against Mike Holmgren in his second to last game. I can hear the NFL Films Presents guy already. Unless he got fired. Last Week: 29
29. Kansas City Chiefs: Carl Peterson was finally fired this week, after pretty much driving the Chiefs team that he created straight into the ground. He and Matt Millen are expected to spend the rest of the winter sharing resume tips. Last Week: 27
30. Oakland Raiders: How bad have things gotten in Oakland? Members of the Raiders coaching staff are leaving to take the same jobs under Lane Kiffin at the University of Tennessee. Anything to get out of Oakland. Last Week: 29
31. Saint Louis Rams: It’s sad, but for as terrible as they’ve been, the Rams still can’t play their way into the number one draft pick. What does a team have to do? And now with the AFL folding, where will they find a QB? Last Week: 31
32. Detroit Lions: Haha! Quarterbacking round table! Even Lions fans are buying up tickets to their next two games to be a part of history. 0-16! Last Week: 32