Last Week: Chris Jericho got fired to make room to hire, and then subsequently fire, Tyson Tomko. The referees took their cue from the NFL and awarded a win to the Baltimore Ravens, err…Raven…That doesn’t work either. Also, Shawn Michaels did what we all wanted him to do and kicked the crap out of John Cena. But what will he do…TONIGHT?!
I salute WWE for doing this video of Martin Luther King Jr. every year, I really do. But they should maybe not do random cut-aways to Michael Hayes dancing every other clip.
Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Kane vs. Santino Marella vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase
In a Six Man Battle Royal
Kofi has an unfair advantage because he’s also Shelton. Though, Shelton hasn’t won any of these things ever, so maybe that’s an unfair disadvantage. Man, they changed DiBiase’s theme and made it more horrible than you could possibly imagine. This isn’t even a hip dance club remix. This battle royal needs more Kane. Santino is tossed in about ten seconds, which is too bad. I thought he was going to win. Oh well, there’s always the Rumble itself. Then everybody else gets thrown out within the next thirty seconds, and Randy Orton wins the match. That was…Uh…Giving Vince a big buffer for his return tonight, eh? RANDY ORTON IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~!
Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix
Kelly’s had to resort to the Local Sports Jersey gimmick to stay over in the wake of the admission that she slept with Randy Orton. Oh, Kelly. I hope it was worth it. Then again, she also slept with MIKE KNOX! She’s only one unfortunate relationship from becoming Chilly Willy. There’s still hope, Kung Funaki! HOLD IT! Beth drops Kelly on her face for the win. This match lasted almost as long as that battle royal earlier. How the hell long are they planning on letting Vince go tonight? Geez.
Randy Orton: The Lemony Regains supreme!
Ted DiBiase: Was that the worst battle royal ever or what? Two minutes for six guys? Including Kane and you? I don’t really buy it.
Orton: Todd, I hate to bleak it to you, but I’m so awe inscribing, that everyone just junked out of the wing. That’s how it’s going to be at the Regal Rumpus, Todd. It’s going to be the short bus Rumple ever.
DiBiase: Short bus?
Cody Rhodes: Hey, WWE.com says that Manu and Sim were in Stephanie McMahon’s office. It says that they’re trying to convince her to have Randy fired!
Orton: How dare hey! Moby and Jim will never flier me! Wait…who are they again?
DiBiase: Even more important than that, why the hell are you reading WWE.com?!
Hey you know who got a Spinnin’ World Title? George Bush. He’s not even the worst person to hold that title. He looks sort of freaked out by it, and I think Cheney’s going to steal it.
Santino Marella: Beth-a, I have-a to tell you-a that you are a beautiful-a and talented wrestler-a and lawyer-a!
Beth Phoenix: Thanks, Santino. I’m sorry I kicked you in the balls all those times.
Santino: But I think-a you need an assitant-a! Someone to help-a you do things-a and win the matches-a!
Beth: That’s the whole reason I’m dating you.
Santino: I meant-a somebody competent-a!
Beth: Oh, well, that’s a whole different thing then. What did you have in mind?
Rosa Mendes: It’s me! Your biggest fan! Remember me? From all the times in the crowd when I was a front row fan plant?
Santino: What do-a you think-a? Do you want-a to have-a the threesome-a?
Beth: Santino! This is a family show!
Santino: What? I’m-a European!
Rosa: By way of the U.S.
Beth: By way of Canada.
Santino: By way-a of my mother’s-a womb!
Rosa: You really didn’t need to go there, Santino.
Santino: Come on-a everybody, let’s-a go pick-a out matching-a outfits!
Beth: Ooh! Shopping trip!
Stephanie McMahon: Hunter…Hunter, put the baby down. No I don’t think it’s ok if The Barbarian baby-sits Aurora Borealis and Murphy Brown. Because he’s going to throw them across the room. You know full well he is, that’s what he always does. I don’t care if you want to go see Gran Turino. No, it’s not about the car racing game. It’s about Clint Eastwood being old and racist. Don’t forget to give them their juice before you start your jazzercise.
Randy Orton: How domesticerly of you, Stabaknee. I’m sure my old fiend Triopoly H is proud of you.
Stephanie: Hey, I’ve got to go. Randy Orton just sat his oily ass on my new leather couch. Tell the babies momma loves them.
Stephanie pulls out a spray bottle and sprays Orton until he gets off the couch.
Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WWE Girl’s Chocolatechip! And I will not be fryered like I’m some kind of Bad Feely!
Stephanie: I’m not going to fire you, Randy. Beating up Manu and Sim Snuka is nothing compared to some of the crap you’ve pulled around here. And sadly, I mean that both figuratively and literally.
Orton: Great! I also think you are a whole of a prostitutes who only got the gentile margerine is because your last name is McDonalds-Harmsley.
Stephanie rolls her eyes and slaps Orton.
Orton: I deed served that, I admit it.
Hey you know who filmed a new movie while he was out with a neck injury? John Cena! What is it? The Marine 3: Holy Crap, It’s That Marine Again!
CM Punk vs. William Regal (w/ Layla El)
In a No Disqualification Match for the WWE Intercontinental Title
If WWE wrestled every night in Chicago, CM Punk would be the biggest superstar in the history of our great sport. He’s carrying the flag of Chicago, which is pandering on the same level of Kelly earlier, but even worse because I didn’t even know Chicago had a flag. Do they really need a flag? He should’ve just been carrying a big picture of Oprah. Anyway, he’s already celebrating the Intercontinental Title victory and the match hasn’t even started yet. He starts things off with move 395 (arm-BAR), and won’t break it. It’s No DQ! Feud for the ages!
Punk now basically has a leglock on the ropes, and I’m not sure what he hopes to accomplish with that, but Layla breaks it up anyway. Thanks for coming out tonight, Layla! Regal busts out a Dragon Suplex, which is pretty fantastic except that he ends up dropping Punk on top of his head. Somehow, he doesn’t die, though, and he gets regal up for the GTS and the win. Congratulations on your big step back, CM! The crowd, of course, goes nuts because he’s their hometown boy. Oh, D’Lo, you were fired a week too early! Punk continues to celebrate for like…a half hour. Oh, so that’s where all the extra time is going.
Ooh, the red carpet is out in the ring. Either Obama is going to address the audience or we’re going to have a contract signing. Aw, there’s the contract.
Jerry “The King” Lawler: I was asked to host this contract signing. This is the first and last involvement I’m going to have with this segment. Laters.
Thanks, Jerry! JBL and Cena sign the contract. Suprisingly, Shawn Michaels doesn’t Superkick one of them and steal the contract.
John Bradshaw Layfield: So that’s it then. We’re finally moving ahead with this whole thing. And with Shawn Michaels in my corner at the Royal Rumble, I’m going to totally win the title, go to Wrestlemania, and lose to whatever face flavor of the month they put me up against! Kofi Kingston here I come!
Shawn Michaels: Why the hell can’t you ever remember that No Way Out is between the Rumble and Wrestlemania?
John Cena: So run this by me again, Shawn. You’re going to be in JBL’s corner at the Rumble?
Cena: Because you’re poor?
Shawn: Sounds like me.
Cena: Because you squandered away an eight digit fortune letting Ric Flair give you improbable financial advice and then blowing $8,000 a week on mirror chaps?
Shawn: That about sums it up, yeah.
Cena: I hope you realize how ridiculous that all sounds! You’re the Show Stopper! The Main Event! Here, I’ll tell you what. I’ll donate the proceeds from my new movie, Somewhat Less Notorious to your bank account. That way, you can work for me instead of JBL!
Shawn: First of all, no. Second of all, hell no. Third of all, I don’t think your movie is going to make any “proceeds.”
JBL: Guys! Guys! Who’s feuding here? Me and Cena or you two?
Shawn: You stay out of this!
JBL: Ok! Fine! Geez.
Shawn: You don’t know what it’s like to have no back, two kids, and a money whore of a wife…er…Hi, honey! You don’t know what it’s like to have to tithe away your fortune while you’re off buying mirror chaps for yourself. You don’t know what it’s like to invest heavily in a million different kinds of hair regrowth treatments. And more importantly, you don’t know what it’s like to give all of your money to a crazy old wizard, only to see him go and lose it all playing Bingo in Vegas. You’re just a silly rapper wannabe who will never know the perils of being an ornery old man! NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!
Shawn goes to punch Cena, but JBL is there first. Shawn goes to kick Cena, but JBL kicks him first. Then, JBL hits the Clothesline from Hell on Cena. Shawn just kind of shrugs and walks off. Boy, talk about a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome. Do you suppose Bradshaw keeps Shawn Michaels locked up at night? Who is he? Boy George?
Hey! It’s Kevin Grevioux! No, I don’t know who he is either. He’s a walking billboard for Underworld 3: No Kate Beckinsale So Why Did We Bother?
Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Mike Knox.
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Mike Knox, and Mike, I’ve got to ask you what’s your problem with Rey Misterio?
Mike Knox: Uh…I don’t have a problem with Rey Misterio.
Grisham: Then why are you such a jerk to him?
Knox: Because the only way I’ll get on TV is if I’m a jerk to somebody…So why not Rey Misterio?
Grisham: Huh. That…Actually makes a lot of sense. Thanks for your time, Mike.
Knox: MIKE KNOX!
Then, a stage carrying a million dollars falls and crushes Todd Grisham. Todd Grisham has fallen. Wait, wasn’t Kevin Grevioux the villain in Revenge of the Sith?
Rey Misterio vs. Mike Knox
Rey’s gotten to the point where, every kid under 50 is wearing a Rey mask now, so he doesn’t have time to talk to every one of them, and some of them are starting to get pissed off. It doesn’t help that he’s come out wearing an extra mask to give away now either. I wonder how much those things cost. You better watch out, Rey, or you’re going to be JBL’s next indentured servant! Rey knocks over…Ugh…That was horrible. Ok, Rey trips up Knox and goes for the 619, but Mike catches him. He still gets a bloody lip though, so he punches Rey in the face. That’s a DQ. It is? Really? Really, WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance?
In Stephanie’s office.
Chris Jericho: Are these prunes? Who puts prunes in their fruit tray?
Stephanie McMahon: I’m a little backed up, ok? What the hell do you want anyway? Didn’t I fire you last week?
Jericho: Yeah. But that’s never stopped anybody from coming to the show, has it?
Hardcore Holly: Nope.
Jericho: And they weren’t filming another episode of Redemption Song ever, so I just figured I’d come and chill on your couch for a while. And eat prunes apparently. Because that’s what we’re ordering on our fruit tray.
Stephanie: I don’t think I’ve made totally clear my irrational and seething hatred for you, Chris.
Jericho: And I don’t think I’ve made clear to you how much I’m still going to be sitting on your couch for the next 30-45 minutes.
Hey, you know what’s happening on Smackdown? Jeff Hardy is dying.
The Miz and Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme
If Cryme Tyme Wins They Get a Title Shot, but if They Lose They Go Back to Being Cryme Tyme
Ok, so the set up for this match is that Miz and Morrison wanted to wrestle “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan to prove their superiority over ancient Royal Rumble winners. However, if you’ll remember (you won’t) Cryme Tyme kidnapped Hacksaw a few weeks ago, never to be seen again. So, instead, in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day and the Obama Inauguration, here’s the only two black guys on RAW, and they’re wrestling Cryme Tyme. Sorry, that’s not really fair to Kofi or Charlie Haas. JTG fakes an arm injury to draw Morrison’s attention away from him, allowing Shad to hit him with…Something. That’s his move! Cryme Tyme wins!
Here’s a bunch of numbers that have to do with the Royal Rumble. They did this last year, too. I still don’t see Benoit, in there, so there’s still that. I do so love how they make it seem like anybody can win this match except in this particular video packages. It’s all, “Look at all the main eventers that have won the past twenty years. So, The Brian Kendrick? Not so much.”
Alexis Laree: …and that’s how I broke my addiction to Raven and Trish Stratus and struck out on my own!
Cody Rhodes: And that’s why you’re not on TV any more except to share random backstage interviews with me for some reason. Why do I talk to you again?
Alexis: Because I’m a four time WWE Women’s Champion, which is more than you’ll ever accomplish?
Cody: Right. I want to win the Women’s title.
Goldust: Hey, bro. What’s going on?
Cody: Err…Not much, Dustin. Why are you being all normal? Aren’t you supposed to be biting people and feeling up your nipples?
Goldust: Not when I’m shilling for the new Starcade DVD! It has all the stars from WCW past! Sting, Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett, Kevin Nash-
Cody: So basically it’s a TNA DVD.
Goldust: Yeah, except it makes more sense. So what’s the deal with you and Randy Orton? You don’t really like hanging out with those guys in “The Lemo-
Cody: I’m sorry, man, I just cannot have a serious conversation with you when you’re painted up like that.
Goldust: Understandable. But know this, you’re staring into the face of your future.
Hey look! A limo!
Jillian Hall vs. Melina
How many women’s matches are we going to have on this show? Ugh. Jillian tries to go with a sidewalk slam, and ends up hobbling around the ring trying to keep Melina more than an inch off the ground. Ah, I love these matches. At least Melina didn’t break her shoulder again or anything. Hey, you know what I just realized? With Victoria gone, and her music with her, the last vestiges of Stevie Richards have finally been wiped from WWE! That’s really depressing. Melina with a really awful power bomb for the win. You have a long way to go, ladies! After the match, Team Glamerella comes down to ringside to get in some starin’ time, but Rosa ends up jumping Melina…veeeerry slowly, yet Melina is powerless to stop her! Beth doesn’t seem to happy with any of this. She’s either pissed because she doesn’t need Rosa’s help to beat Melina, or pissed because this segment just made everybody look awful.
Elsewhere, Boobsie is talking to Dolph Ziggler. We got all the women on the show tonight! Yaaaaay!
Boobsie McTitsalot: I have boobs!
Dolph Ziggler: I’m Dolph Ziggler!
Vince McMahon: What’s going on over here? Boobsie! Nice to see you! And you are…Wait…I know you! Weren’t you one of my cheerleader?
Dolph: I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m Do-
Vince: Yeah you were. The cute one. No, wait that was Kenny. Uh…Were you Mitch?
Dolph: Mitch didn’t even wrestle! Do I look like Mitch?
Vince: Didn’t you used to be my caddie too?
Here’s Vince, rocking the Rod Blagojevich haircut. Not really, but that would’ve been hilarious. Where’s Tony Schiavone when we need him? That’s a guy that could grow a hair helmet when he wanted to.
Vince McMahon: That’s right! I’m back! You’d think being killed by a million dollars would stop me, but you all know better than that. I took a six month vacation and I was fine. But apparently, I’ve got things to do here tonight, because my kids have really made a mess of running the show since I’ve been gone. We fired Chris Jericho, I guess, so why don’t we have him come out here and say a few words about how unfair that was. Chris?
Chris Jericho: Thank you, Vince. To be honest with you, I think it speaks for itself. Your daughter is a terrible general manager. Meanwhile, I’ve won two world titles and should be in the Royal Rumble. But instead I got fired.
Vince: You won two world titles? Who the hell let that happen? I have been gone too long.
Stephanie McMahon: Yeah, sorry about that. I blame Shane and his demon children.
Vince: Damn them!
Stephanie: But I still think Chris Jericho should be fired.
Stephanie: Unless he begs for his job back.
Jericho: Why in the hell does this always happen. I mean, every frigging time I get fired from this stupid company. All right. May I please have my job back, Stephanie? You are not at all an attention whore with ridiculous fake breasts and a weird looking cleft chin. And your hair is as perfect as ever.
Stephanie: Ok, now beg the crowd.
Jericho: I’m sorry “WWE Universe” that you’re all a bunch of simpering morons who don’t know their heads from a hole in the ground. I’m sorry you purchase John Cena merchandise and have to put up with Shawn Michaels acting mopey all the time. And mostly, I’m sorry for The Boogeyman. I don’t know why. I just am.
Vince: Chris Jericho! You’re HIIIIIIRRRRRRRRED!
Jericho: I don’t know if that was more or less humiliating than when Trish Stratus had to bark like a dog.
Randy Orton: Did someone say humanization?
Orton: Because, I belabor that it is my DESTINY~! to come out here tonight. Because quiet funky, I’m tired of having Steppenwolf here as the genial merger of Monkey Night Ron! That’s right! I think she’s just a stupid whole who happened to have a couple of graham kids for you, Vance! And now I want an apocrypha.
Vince: You know what, Randy? If it weren’t for me and Stephanie, you’d be living in a van with a dude named “Relish,” trying to score blow and high school chicks on your way to your next “gig” which doesn’t actually exist.
Orton: That’s actually my life in a nut spell.
Vince: So I want you to apologize to me for wasting time that could otherwise have been given to one of the women’s matches earlier tonight.
Then Randy punches Vince in the head, and after lining him up, delivers a punt to the temple. THAT’S…Not really his move, but close enough. Randy puts on a pretty great, “Oh, crap. I just did that, didn’t I?” performance, while Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase swoop in to take him away. Johnny Ace and Dean Malenko, of all people, make the save. I wonder if Sergeant Slaughter would’ve been the difference maker here. As it is, Orton bails, Dean and Ace soak up the screen time they’re getting, and Stephanie bawls like her dad just died again. Geez. What a drama queen. John Cena’s Dad took this move and he’s fiiiiine.
Sunday Sunday Sunday: Randy Orton will still, inexplicably, not be fired. Chris Tian will make his shocking return that will shock absolutely no one. And, in an even more shocking turn of events, R-Truth will accidentally win the Royal Rumble. R-TRUTH IS GOING TO (be fired before) WRESTLEMANIA!!