Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Hey, It’s the Super Bowl! It’s an American Holiday. I don’t know why we don’t all have Super Monday off. Spend all day cooking and eating awful food, watching three hours of guys who don’t know anything more than you do talking about nothing, sitting through and complaining about sitting through decades old music acts, and then…Puppy Bowl. Then The Office. Oh, yeah, there’s some football game too.

2. That’s Angelina Sized Babies. Angela Suleman has fourteen children under the age of eight, after giving birth to octuplets this week. That’s…Insane. This woman is crazy. Apparently, she was undergoing fertility treatments when she had the new set. Even scarier is that she lives in a two bedroom home that she shares with her parents. Like…What?

3. Blago Got Ousted. Geraldo came to his defense, but it wasn’t enough as Illinois governor Rob Blagojavich got impeached over allegations that he tried to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat. However, the guy that he apparently sold it to, got confirmed and is more of a senator than anybody from Minnesota (sorry, Amy Klobachar). Weird. I guess his hair doesn’t solve all problems.

4. The NFL Is Exploring 3-D Broadcasts. Yes, because what I really want to do is sit around with a pair of red and blue glasses just so I can see Visanthe Shiancoe’s package really pop off my screen. That…actually sounds exactly like something the American audience would fall all over themselves to see for one season anyway. Until they lose an eye to John Madden’s blubber.

5. The Post Office Is Thinking About Getting Rid of Saturdays. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow nor…Wait, what day is it? Saturday? I’m not working then. Actually, they’re trying to save money, so they’re going to get rid of weekend mail delivery except on first-class or express packages. Me? My package is available 24/7/365. Ladies? Ladies? It’s now available in 3-D!

Last Night: Hey! The Royal Rumble! My favorite Pay Per View of the Year! Matt Hardy turned on Jeff after mistakenly believing that he was Chris Tian. Also, Shawn Michaels avoided an actual heel turn by just Superkicking everybody. And Randy Orton won the Rumble. Well…Who else, right? Er…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Speaking of Randy, here he is! Along with the rest of The Lemony, which apparently includes some guys in suits now. They’re the most badass group in wrestling. If you dare threaten to punch them, you’re going to have to go through thirty pages of red tape.

Randy Orton: Ok, so I won the Regal Rumple match which means that I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WUU Girl’s Chocolatechip, am going to Wigglestralia! Unforkunately, I was also fryered. So I’ve broughten my law guys and the rapist to protect me.

WWE Chief Therapist Doctor The Boogeyman: In my professional opinion, Randy Orton has Benoit Disease, and he’s coming to KICK YOOOOOOOU!

Dewey Cheatum, Attorney at Law: HAHAHAHAHA SPIN THE WHEEL! MAKE THE DEAL! SPIN THE WHEEL! MAKE THE DEAL!

Beth Phoenix, Ace Attorney: OBJECTION! That defense doesn’t make any sense. How do you expect Mr. Orton to defend himself against these trumped up charges with a wheel of death? What does “Coal Miner’s Glove” even mean?

Orton: As you canst see, I have the finest moans on my chase! You can’t not defeat me Steppenwolf McGams. Not in a trillion years! And if you even try to fryer me, the rest of The Lemony is going to quilt too!

Cody Rhodes: Not so fast there, Randy.

Ted DiBiase: Yeah, I am not going to TNA.

Orton: Ok, well, you’d loose me anyway! But I do want to apocalypse to your father Vance. Mr. McDonalds, I’m sorry my rare and uncouth discheese caused me to kick you. That was my fad.

Backstage, Stephanie is not particularily impressed by this filibuster.

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Cryme Tyme vs. Miz and Morrison
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

JTG was in the Rumble this year, thanks to a flip of a two headed coin. Before we congratulate him on fooling Shad, however, I could have sworn that neither of these guys were supposed to be in there at all. Weren’t they both kicked out when Stephanie put Santino in there? Am I over thinking this? The Undertaker would say no. And why couldn’t Shad beat out Rob Van Dam, who I’m pretty sure forgot that he wasn’t in WWE any more. Or maybe he wanted to share his head kicking recovery strategies with the McMahons. Morrison flashes his bedazzled abs at Shad for the win. Geez. No wonder he wasn’t in the Rumble.

Meanwhile, Michael Cole and Jerry “” Lawler are silently weeping over the death of Vince McMahon. Why didn’t we do a tribute show? Geez.

Here’s JBL. Maybe he knows.

John Bradshaw Layfield: I know what you’re all thinking, but, no, I don’t know anything about the death of Vince McMahon. Any one of the twenty times he’s died here in the last decade. Instead I just thought I’d come out and let you know that I’m going to go ahead and use Shawn Michaels as my pinch wrestler against John Cena in an Elimination Chamber Qualification Match.

Wait, if Cena loses does that mean he’s going to be out of the match? I hope so! That would be hilarious!

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Kofi Kingston vs. Kane
In an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match

Really? Kofi? Well, he is Shelton, I guess. I’m still waiting for WWE Films to make a Kofi Kingston movie. Can he hold up the accent for an hour and a half? It’s like an episode of 24. Actually, now that I think of it, the bad half accent thing would make him a perfect Bond Villain. It even has its own built in beach setting with remote secondary locale in Africa storyline! And Kane could be his henchman! Somebody get Dean Malenko on the phone! What do you mean he’s stopped taking my calls?! Ugh. This is why I hate being so awesome. Kofi wins with a roll-up. Wait…What?

That match is going to need a lot more Kane.

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Hey, Chris Jericho! He totally wasn’t fired after all!

Chris Jericho: Let’s all forget the last two weeks. Instead we’re going to focus on something completely different. My match at Wrestlemania isn’t going to be the main event, or the Money in the Bank, or even an actual match. Nope. I’m going to be fighting Mickey Rourke. Yeah, the star of The Wrestler, a movie that we all were told to hate until he got nominated for an Oscar. Now we think it’s a super awesome film about a guy who’s washed-up and penniless, who is totally not all of us in ten years tops. Anyway, I guess he went on Access Hollywood to “challenge me to a match.” Wonderful. Roll that beautiful bean footage.

Hey! It’s true!

Mickey Rourke: The Wrestler was a great movie. You know, after being out of Hollywood for so long due to my own drug problems, playing this drugged out shell of a wrestler was perfect for me. And all the old guys loved it. Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, you know? In fact, Ric’s going to be taking over my accounting from now on.

Nancy O’Dell: So, is it true that you’re going to be going to Wrestlemania this year?

Rourke: Yeah. I’m fighting somebody named Chad Geronimo, or something. You know, look, I was in Double Team, ok? This is a big step up.

O’Dell: Well, I guess if Floyd Mayweather can do it, any washed up boxer can! So you heard it here first, folks. Mickey Rourke vs. Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania!

Rourke: Wait, I’m fighting the guy who hosts Redemption Song? What kind of trumped up celebrity wrestling federation is this?

Back live….

Jericho: I don’t know if this is more or less humiliating than being openly mocked by Stephanie last week. I’ll get back to you after I take a “Ram Jam.”

Elsewhere….

John Bradshaw Layfield: So now we’re publicly acknowledging The Wrestler. Now what are you going to do?

Shawn Michaels: That doesn’t really help me, because Ric Flair really did lose all my money. I mean, who would’ve guessed collectors plates weren’t a good part of an investment portfolio?

Bradshaw: Well, that really depends on the plates. What ones did you own?

Michaels: “Nuns of the Midwest.”

JBL: Look…just beat John Cena tonight, ok? We’ll forget you Superkicked me, we’ll forget that Mickey Rourke is ruining your angle, and we’ll forget this segment ever happened. Ok?

Michaels: I stopped listening about a minute and a half ago, sorry.

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Shawn Michaels (w/ John Bradshaw Layfield) vs. John Cena
In an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match (for JBL)

Tonight is the premier of the trailer for John Cena’s new movie, 12 Rounds, which is a sure Oscar Nominee this year. Is it about boxing or what? I guess I’ll find out later…TONIGHT! Sorry, I’m kind of OCD about finding a context for that. It bothers me. There’s no more pretending any of these three like each other, which is nice. I’m not really expecting much though, because this is not the main event. Then again, last week’s main event featured Jillian Hall and Melina.

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Shawn kicks out after the break, which is fun. I love it when they pretend that matches might end during the ad break. Shawn with the Crossface! Hahaha! It’s Benoit night at the old arena! What’s the statute of limitations on that? Bradshaw tries to get involved in the match, but Cena pushes him off into Michaels. While Shawn is still recovering from the shock of getting hit in the face with a man boob, Cena hits him with the FU for the win. John Cena is GOING TO NO WAY OUT! At least the champion’s in the match. Wait, we can’t call it the “FU” anymore, right? Uh…We’ll call it the “Throwy Thing” until further notice.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Stephanie McMahon.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Stephanie McMahon, and Stephanie, I’ve got to ask you, will you be taking any action against Randy Orton?

Stephanie McMahon: Yes.

Grisham: Awesome.

Todd Grisham hits himself with a Throwy Thing and breaks his neck. Todd Grisham has fallen.

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Melina and Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella)

Beth’s still in her lawyer gear, so you know she means business. Just…not the business of professional wrestling. Speaking of outfits that have nothing to do with wrestling, I’d never wear it in a billion years, but I kind of want Santino’s new jersey. Thankfully, Jillian doesn’t sing a song to start. That’s how you know that she means the business of professional wrestling. Finally, somebody! I really don’t like Melina as the champion. There’s just something that feels wrong about the women’s division. More wrong, anyway. Rosa Mendes pulls Melina off the apron, and Beth hits Kelly with the Glam Slam for the win. Best women’s match on the show thus far.

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Rey Misterio vs. William Regal (w/ Leyla El)
In an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match

Rey’s ring walk is the most hilarious one in history. I can’t wait to see it in the video games next year. Stop to talk to a kid, take a step, stop to talk to a kid. It’s the most skipped entrance in video game history! At least Regal’s gotten rid of the singlet, but I hope he buys a new robe one of these times. Not that I don’t like the fluffy purple one, but I’d kind of like to see something new. Maybe a nice chartreuse. Rey with a 619 and a splash for the win. It’s an all tiny people Elimination Chamber!

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Backstage….

Santino Marella: We did-a it! I got-a a new T-Shirt-a! Now I’m-a the most over man-a in the company-a!

Rosa Mendes: Well…at least the most over person in a women’s title match. Look, if I’m an intern does that mean I get college credit? Because I was thinking about getting my degree in-

Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! Look, I’ve got too much on my plate now with the whole Randy Orton thing, so I need an assistant. Rosa, you’re hired. Go pack my things while I draft up some legal documents.

Rosa: Awesome! Do I get a 401k? Benefits?

Beth: No.

Rosa: Err…Great!

And now, I present to you, in its entirety, the trailer for The Marine XII: Rounds….

An idyllic home….

Officer John Cena: As a cop they give you two things, a badge and a gun, and I’m all out of badges!

Mrs. Cena: It’s on the thingie.

Cena: Damn that’s some good writing!

An accident….

Cena: Oh no! I accidentally just ran over some random girl, I hope she wasn’t the girlfriend of my arch nemesis, a horrible gangster.

A Horrible Gangster: She was!

Cena: Oh no!

Years later….

Cena: It’s been years, since I thought of killing some girl. What’s for breakfast?

Gangster: REVENGE! And maybe some Kix.

Cena: I can’t believe they let you out of prison, and you didn’t even send me a post card! Geez. How’ve you been? How’s the girlfriend? OOOOOH!

Gangster: That’s it! I’m going to kidnap your wife!

Cena: Aw, not again!

Gangster: And the only way you’ll ever get her back is if you play my game I like to call…TWELVE ROUNDS!

Cena: No way! I challenge you to a battle rap!

Coming this Summer from WWE Films.

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CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho
In an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match

Either one of these guys makes an equally weak case for being in the Elimination Chamber. Punk went from being World Champion to trying to pretend like he was super excited to win the Intercontinental title. Chris Jericho has…basically just followed the course of his career to this point. They never should’ve fired Stevie Richards. Speaking of which, what’s Tommy Dreamer up to these days? It can’t be anything too important. Why not put him in this match? Well, whatever. There’s about two minutes of old school move reversals, and then Chris Jericho…kind of….hits the Codebreaker on Punk for the win. His knee barely grazed Punk’s ear, but, you know what? I can buy that as enough to take Punk down.

Backstage, Stephanie McMahon is walking to the ring while Randy Orton is…filling out a maze from the back of a Denny’s placemat.

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And here’s Steffers.

Stephanie McMahon: I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting a full barrage of inept lawyers and voodoo therapists. You should’ve brought back Clarence Mason too while you were at it. I was just expecting you to come out here say, “I won the Royal Rumble so you can’t fire me!” and that would be the end of it. Now I guess I’ll have to hear your side of the story. Egh.

Randy Orton: Steppenwolf, you can’t not fired me because if you did, you’d tear the Monkey Night Ran Rasta apart! Besides, in the immoral words of the Lemonaidy Ric Flour, “FRIAR ME?! I’M ALREADY FRIARED! FRIAR ME?! I’M ALREADY FRIARED!”

Stephanie: So what do you want, Randy? Just not to be fired? A pony? Some more crappy ass tatoos?

Orton: All of those and a new mouth pad or else I’m cancelling Wigglestralia and No Pay Snout! So you’d butter be gourd!

At this point the Rest of the RAW Roster comes out. Hey! Charlie Haas! Thanks for coming out tonight, Charlie! I do think it’s amusing that Chris Jericho is there front and center. Apparently, sticking up for the girl that made him beg on his hands and knees for his job back. Of course he’s ready to be her night in shining armor seven days later!

Orton: Hi guys! They’re hare to chair me on!

Stephanie: Actually, they’re not here to do anything. Actually, the real reason I asked you to come out here was…Because IT’S A TRAP!

Nicely played, Admiral. And here’s Shane McMahon, coming to his sister’s aid several weeks after she kicked him off the show. Stephanie inspires such leadership! Rhodes and DiBiase manage to fend off Shane for a few minutes, but he quickly gets Orton with a SPEAR! DiBiase and Rhodes then take turns holding Shane’s ankle while he punches Orton in the side of the head.

Randy bails towards the ramp, but Shane’s close behind him. Shane makes the mistake, however, of punching out Charlie Haas for being in the way of his pursuit, which pisses off everybody on the stage. You don’t mess with the Haas. So the boys hold Rhodes and DiBiase at bay while Rey lectures Shane on proper brawling etiquette, and Orton crawls away. Good to see that Shane can still take out three dudes without breaking a sweat.

Next Week: The next two qualifiers for the Elimination Chamber? Kelly Kelly and Manu. Also, Shane McMahon continues his path of vengeance by attacking WWE RAW Referee John Cone for some reason. And stay tuned, because you won’t want to miss Chris Jericho vs. Mickey Rourke in a SAG Card on a Pole match.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Arizona Cardinals

Why the Steelers Will Win: Bar none they were the best defense in the NFL this year, and they have the secondary and pass rush to keep up with the Cardinals’ crazy offense. Offensively, Ben has had a pretty good year, and Santonio Holmes has really shown up in the Playoffs.

Why the Steelers Will Lose: Holmes might be asked to do too much. Their running game really hasn’t gotten going the way they’ve wanted it to, and with Hines Ward playing, but for who knows how long or how well, the offense might not gain traction. If Arizona turns this one into a shoot out, Pittsburgh simply doesn’t have the weapons to keep up.

Why the Cardinals Will Win: Larry Fitzgerald is having a career defining post season. He and Kurt Warner have been lighting other teams up, and Ike Taylor is going to have a hard time shutting them down. Defensively, Adrian Wilson and company have shocked a lot of people with how stout they’ve been, and the Steelers offense is coming in crippled anyway.

Why the Cardinals Will Lose: The Steelers defense is way too good to be fooled by fakes to Edgerine James and stretch routes to Fitzgerald. They’re going to make some plays regardless, but one has to wonder if it’ll be enough. The normally more reserved Anquan Boldin complaining about his playing time and screaming at offensive coordinator on the sidelines is proof positive that this team might not be ready for this big a stage.

Pittsburgh 23, Arizona 17

I really want the Cardinals to pull this one off, but I just don’t see it happening. The Steelers are calm and collected, and will take a business-like approach to shutting down the Cardinals offense and putting themselves in position to score. Meanwhile, the Cardinals lacked focus last week in the second half of the Eagles game, and nearly lost the game after blowing Philly out in the first half. That showed their inexperience, which will lead to their downfall against a much better team.

(NOTE: It’s been a very hectic week, but I will be putting something WoW related up this weekend. Stay tuned.)

Want to know how the Internet got started, but don’t have the time to talk to Al Gore? Would you rather sit in front of your computer listening to droning monotone? Want to be lectured by stick figures?

I present to you the History of the Internet.

Enjoy?

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Obama! Obama! Wait…What Did He Just Say? Thanks to a screw up by Chief Justice John Roberts, President Obama had to retake the Oath of Office in order to officially be considered America’s 44th President. No truth to the rumor that Dick Cheney was seen hiding some bushes when all this went down.

2. Now That That’s Taken Care of, About Gitmo…. Obama’s first course of action? Putting into action a plan that will close the Guantanimo Bay prison by 2010. What will we do with the hundreds of hardened criminals there whose home countries refuse to take them back? I don’t know, but I suddenly have a great idea for Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.

3. From the “People Who Have Way Too Much Time on Their Hands” Department… A group of people have made a version of Street Fighter compatable with YouTube. Essentially, you let the video play out, you select an indicator on the screen that’s embedded with a link to another video that plays the move that you selected. You keep going like this until either you or your opponent wins. It’s weird, but it works and it’s…oddly addictive. Sort of.

4. Oscar Nominations Are Out. And everybody’s buzzing about how The Dark Knight got shafted for everything but Heath Ledger’s performance. But let’s face it, the Oscars are a night to celebrate artsy movies that nobody’s ever seen. Ledger will win, no doubt, but it’ll be a long time before you see a superhero movie win Best Picture.

5. You Know Who Needs Bailout Money? Hollywood. It was revealed this week that Chrystler used part of the $4 Billion bailout package they recieved to buy advertising space in the upcoming Terminator: Salvation. Apparently, they confused their government grant with a “Bale”out package. Huh? Huh? No? Fine then. Shut up.

Last Week: Chris Jericho got fired to make room to hire, and then subsequently fire, Tyson Tomko. The referees took their cue from the NFL and awarded a win to the Baltimore Ravens, err…Raven…That doesn’t work either. Also, Shawn Michaels did what we all wanted him to do and kicked the crap out of John Cena. But what will he do…TONIGHT?!

I salute WWE for doing this video of Martin Luther King Jr. every year, I really do. But they should maybe not do random cut-aways to Michael Hayes dancing every other clip.

(Opening Credits)

Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Kane vs. Santino Marella vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase
In a Six Man Battle Royal

Kofi has an unfair advantage because he’s also Shelton. Though, Shelton hasn’t won any of these things ever, so maybe that’s an unfair disadvantage. Man, they changed DiBiase’s theme and made it more horrible than you could possibly imagine. This isn’t even a hip dance club remix. This battle royal needs more Kane. Santino is tossed in about ten seconds, which is too bad. I thought he was going to win. Oh well, there’s always the Rumble itself. Then everybody else gets thrown out within the next thirty seconds, and Randy Orton wins the match. That was…Uh…Giving Vince a big buffer for his return tonight, eh? RANDY ORTON IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~!

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Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

Kelly’s had to resort to the Local Sports Jersey gimmick to stay over in the wake of the admission that she slept with Randy Orton. Oh, Kelly. I hope it was worth it. Then again, she also slept with MIKE KNOX! She’s only one unfortunate relationship from becoming Chilly Willy. There’s still hope, Kung Funaki! HOLD IT! Beth drops Kelly on her face for the win. This match lasted almost as long as that battle royal earlier. How the hell long are they planning on letting Vince go tonight? Geez.

Backstage….

Randy Orton: The Lemony Regains supreme!

Ted DiBiase: Was that the worst battle royal ever or what? Two minutes for six guys? Including Kane and you? I don’t really buy it.

Orton: Todd, I hate to bleak it to you, but I’m so awe inscribing, that everyone just junked out of the wing. That’s how it’s going to be at the Regal Rumpus, Todd. It’s going to be the short bus Rumple ever.

DiBiase: Short bus?

Orton: EVER!

Cody Rhodes: Hey, WWE.com says that Manu and Sim were in Stephanie McMahon’s office. It says that they’re trying to convince her to have Randy fired!

Orton: How dare hey! Moby and Jim will never flier me! Wait…who are they again?

DiBiase: Even more important than that, why the hell are you reading WWE.com?!

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Hey you know who got a Spinnin’ World Title? George Bush. He’s not even the worst person to hold that title. He looks sort of freaked out by it, and I think Cheney’s going to steal it.

Backstage….

Santino Marella: Beth-a, I have-a to tell you-a that you are a beautiful-a and talented wrestler-a and lawyer-a!

Beth Phoenix: Thanks, Santino. I’m sorry I kicked you in the balls all those times.

Santino: But I think-a you need an assitant-a! Someone to help-a you do things-a and win the matches-a!

Beth: That’s the whole reason I’m dating you.

Santino: I meant-a somebody competent-a!

Beth: Oh, well, that’s a whole different thing then. What did you have in mind?

Rosa Mendes: It’s me! Your biggest fan! Remember me? From all the times in the crowd when I was a front row fan plant?

Santino: What do-a you think-a? Do you want-a to have-a the threesome-a?

Beth: Santino! This is a family show!

Santino: What? I’m-a European!

Rosa: By way of the U.S.

Beth: By way of Canada.

Santino: By way-a of my mother’s-a womb!

Rosa: You really didn’t need to go there, Santino.

Santino: Come on-a everybody, let’s-a go pick-a out matching-a outfits!

Beth: Ooh! Shopping trip!

Elsewhere…

Stephanie McMahon: Hunter…Hunter, put the baby down. No I don’t think it’s ok if The Barbarian baby-sits Aurora Borealis and Murphy Brown. Because he’s going to throw them across the room. You know full well he is, that’s what he always does. I don’t care if you want to go see Gran Turino. No, it’s not about the car racing game. It’s about Clint Eastwood being old and racist. Don’t forget to give them their juice before you start your jazzercise.

Randy Orton: How domesticerly of you, Stabaknee. I’m sure my old fiend Triopoly H is proud of you.

Stephanie: Hey, I’ve got to go. Randy Orton just sat his oily ass on my new leather couch. Tell the babies momma loves them.

Stephanie pulls out a spray bottle and sprays Orton until he gets off the couch.

Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WWE Girl’s Chocolatechip! And I will not be fryered like I’m some kind of Bad Feely!

Stephanie: I’m not going to fire you, Randy. Beating up Manu and Sim Snuka is nothing compared to some of the crap you’ve pulled around here. And sadly, I mean that both figuratively and literally.

Orton: Great! I also think you are a whole of a prostitutes who only got the gentile margerine is because your last name is McDonalds-Harmsley.

Stephanie rolls her eyes and slaps Orton.

Orton: I deed served that, I admit it.

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Hey you know who filmed a new movie while he was out with a neck injury? John Cena! What is it? The Marine 3: Holy Crap, It’s That Marine Again!

CM Punk vs. William Regal (w/ Layla El)
In a No Disqualification Match for the WWE Intercontinental Title

If WWE wrestled every night in Chicago, CM Punk would be the biggest superstar in the history of our great sport. He’s carrying the flag of Chicago, which is pandering on the same level of Kelly earlier, but even worse because I didn’t even know Chicago had a flag. Do they really need a flag? He should’ve just been carrying a big picture of Oprah. Anyway, he’s already celebrating the Intercontinental Title victory and the match hasn’t even started yet. He starts things off with move 395 (arm-BAR), and won’t break it. It’s No DQ! Feud for the ages!

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Punk now basically has a leglock on the ropes, and I’m not sure what he hopes to accomplish with that, but Layla breaks it up anyway. Thanks for coming out tonight, Layla! Regal busts out a Dragon Suplex, which is pretty fantastic except that he ends up dropping Punk on top of his head. Somehow, he doesn’t die, though, and he gets regal up for the GTS and the win. Congratulations on your big step back, CM! The crowd, of course, goes nuts because he’s their hometown boy. Oh, D’Lo, you were fired a week too early! Punk continues to celebrate for like…a half hour. Oh, so that’s where all the extra time is going.

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Ooh, the red carpet is out in the ring. Either Obama is going to address the audience or we’re going to have a contract signing. Aw, there’s the contract.

Jerry “The King” Lawler: I was asked to host this contract signing. This is the first and last involvement I’m going to have with this segment. Laters.

Thanks, Jerry! JBL and Cena sign the contract. Suprisingly, Shawn Michaels doesn’t Superkick one of them and steal the contract.

John Bradshaw Layfield: So that’s it then. We’re finally moving ahead with this whole thing. And with Shawn Michaels in my corner at the Royal Rumble, I’m going to totally win the title, go to Wrestlemania, and lose to whatever face flavor of the month they put me up against! Kofi Kingston here I come!

Shawn Michaels: Why the hell can’t you ever remember that No Way Out is between the Rumble and Wrestlemania?

John Cena: So run this by me again, Shawn. You’re going to be in JBL’s corner at the Rumble?

Shawn: Right.

Cena: Because you’re poor?

Shawn: Sounds like me.

Cena: Because you squandered away an eight digit fortune letting Ric Flair give you improbable financial advice and then blowing $8,000 a week on mirror chaps?

Shawn: That about sums it up, yeah.

Cena: I hope you realize how ridiculous that all sounds! You’re the Show Stopper! The Main Event! Here, I’ll tell you what. I’ll donate the proceeds from my new movie, Somewhat Less Notorious to your bank account. That way, you can work for me instead of JBL!

Shawn: First of all, no. Second of all, hell no. Third of all, I don’t think your movie is going to make any “proceeds.”

JBL: Guys! Guys! Who’s feuding here? Me and Cena or you two?

Shawn: You stay out of this!

JBL: Ok! Fine! Geez.

Shawn: You don’t know what it’s like to have no back, two kids, and a money whore of a wife…er…Hi, honey! You don’t know what it’s like to have to tithe away your fortune while you’re off buying mirror chaps for yourself. You don’t know what it’s like to invest heavily in a million different kinds of hair regrowth treatments. And more importantly, you don’t know what it’s like to give all of your money to a crazy old wizard, only to see him go and lose it all playing Bingo in Vegas. You’re just a silly rapper wannabe who will never know the perils of being an ornery old man! NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!

Shawn goes to punch Cena, but JBL is there first. Shawn goes to kick Cena, but JBL kicks him first. Then, JBL hits the Clothesline from Hell on Cena. Shawn just kind of shrugs and walks off. Boy, talk about a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome. Do you suppose Bradshaw keeps Shawn Michaels locked up at night? Who is he? Boy George?

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Hey! It’s Kevin Grevioux! No, I don’t know who he is either. He’s a walking billboard for Underworld 3: No Kate Beckinsale So Why Did We Bother?

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Mike Knox.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Mike Knox, and Mike, I’ve got to ask you what’s your problem with Rey Misterio?

Mike Knox: Uh…I don’t have a problem with Rey Misterio.

Grisham: Then why are you such a jerk to him?

Knox: Because the only way I’ll get on TV is if I’m a jerk to somebody…So why not Rey Misterio?

Grisham: Huh. That…Actually makes a lot of sense. Thanks for your time, Mike.

Knox: MIKE KNOX!

Then, a stage carrying a million dollars falls and crushes Todd Grisham. Todd Grisham has fallen. Wait, wasn’t Kevin Grevioux the villain in Revenge of the Sith?

Rey Misterio vs. Mike Knox

Rey’s gotten to the point where, every kid under 50 is wearing a Rey mask now, so he doesn’t have time to talk to every one of them, and some of them are starting to get pissed off. It doesn’t help that he’s come out wearing an extra mask to give away now either. I wonder how much those things cost. You better watch out, Rey, or you’re going to be JBL’s next indentured servant! Rey knocks over…Ugh…That was horrible. Ok, Rey trips up Knox and goes for the 619, but Mike catches him. He still gets a bloody lip though, so he punches Rey in the face. That’s a DQ. It is? Really? Really, WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance?

In Stephanie’s office.

Chris Jericho: Are these prunes? Who puts prunes in their fruit tray?

Stephanie McMahon: I’m a little backed up, ok? What the hell do you want anyway? Didn’t I fire you last week?

Jericho: Yeah. But that’s never stopped anybody from coming to the show, has it?

Hardcore Holly: Nope.

Jericho: And they weren’t filming another episode of Redemption Song ever, so I just figured I’d come and chill on your couch for a while. And eat prunes apparently. Because that’s what we’re ordering on our fruit tray.

Stephanie: I don’t think I’ve made totally clear my irrational and seething hatred for you, Chris.

Jericho: And I don’t think I’ve made clear to you how much I’m still going to be sitting on your couch for the next 30-45 minutes.

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Hey, you know what’s happening on Smackdown? Jeff Hardy is dying.

The Miz and Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme
If Cryme Tyme Wins They Get a Title Shot, but if They Lose They Go Back to Being Cryme Tyme

Ok, so the set up for this match is that Miz and Morrison wanted to wrestle “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan to prove their superiority over ancient Royal Rumble winners. However, if you’ll remember (you won’t) Cryme Tyme kidnapped Hacksaw a few weeks ago, never to be seen again. So, instead, in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day and the Obama Inauguration, here’s the only two black guys on RAW, and they’re wrestling Cryme Tyme. Sorry, that’s not really fair to Kofi or Charlie Haas. JTG fakes an arm injury to draw Morrison’s attention away from him, allowing Shad to hit him with…Something. That’s his move! Cryme Tyme wins!

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Here’s a bunch of numbers that have to do with the Royal Rumble. They did this last year, too. I still don’t see Benoit, in there, so there’s still that. I do so love how they make it seem like anybody can win this match except in this particular video packages. It’s all, “Look at all the main eventers that have won the past twenty years. So, The Brian Kendrick? Not so much.”

Backstage….

Alexis Laree: …and that’s how I broke my addiction to Raven and Trish Stratus and struck out on my own!

Cody Rhodes: And that’s why you’re not on TV any more except to share random backstage interviews with me for some reason. Why do I talk to you again?

Alexis: Because I’m a four time WWE Women’s Champion, which is more than you’ll ever accomplish?

Cody: Right. I want to win the Women’s title.

Goldust: Hey, bro. What’s going on?

Cody: Err…Not much, Dustin. Why are you being all normal? Aren’t you supposed to be biting people and feeling up your nipples?

Goldust: Not when I’m shilling for the new Starcade DVD! It has all the stars from WCW past! Sting, Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett, Kevin Nash-

Cody: So basically it’s a TNA DVD.

Goldust: Yeah, except it makes more sense. So what’s the deal with you and Randy Orton? You don’t really like hanging out with those guys in “The Lemo-

Cody: I’m sorry, man, I just cannot have a serious conversation with you when you’re painted up like that.

Goldust: Understandable. But know this, you’re staring into the face of your future.

Cody: AAAAAAH!

Hey look! A limo!

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Jillian Hall vs. Melina

How many women’s matches are we going to have on this show? Ugh. Jillian tries to go with a sidewalk slam, and ends up hobbling around the ring trying to keep Melina more than an inch off the ground. Ah, I love these matches. At least Melina didn’t break her shoulder again or anything. Hey, you know what I just realized? With Victoria gone, and her music with her, the last vestiges of Stevie Richards have finally been wiped from WWE! That’s really depressing. Melina with a really awful power bomb for the win. You have a long way to go, ladies! After the match, Team Glamerella comes down to ringside to get in some starin’ time, but Rosa ends up jumping Melina…veeeerry slowly, yet Melina is powerless to stop her! Beth doesn’t seem to happy with any of this. She’s either pissed because she doesn’t need Rosa’s help to beat Melina, or pissed because this segment just made everybody look awful.

Elsewhere, Boobsie is talking to Dolph Ziggler. We got all the women on the show tonight! Yaaaaay!

Boobsie McTitsalot: I have boobs!

Dolph Ziggler: I’m Dolph Ziggler!

Vince McMahon: What’s going on over here? Boobsie! Nice to see you! And you are…Wait…I know you! Weren’t you one of my cheerleader?

Dolph: I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m Do-

Vince: Yeah you were. The cute one. No, wait that was Kenny. Uh…Were you Mitch?

Dolph: Mitch didn’t even wrestle! Do I look like Mitch?

Vince: Didn’t you used to be my caddie too?

Dolph: Ugh!

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Here’s Vince, rocking the Rod Blagojevich haircut. Not really, but that would’ve been hilarious. Where’s Tony Schiavone when we need him? That’s a guy that could grow a hair helmet when he wanted to.

Vince McMahon: That’s right! I’m back! You’d think being killed by a million dollars would stop me, but you all know better than that. I took a six month vacation and I was fine. But apparently, I’ve got things to do here tonight, because my kids have really made a mess of running the show since I’ve been gone. We fired Chris Jericho, I guess, so why don’t we have him come out here and say a few words about how unfair that was. Chris?

Chris Jericho: Thank you, Vince. To be honest with you, I think it speaks for itself. Your daughter is a terrible general manager. Meanwhile, I’ve won two world titles and should be in the Royal Rumble. But instead I got fired.

Vince: You won two world titles? Who the hell let that happen? I have been gone too long.

Stephanie McMahon: Yeah, sorry about that. I blame Shane and his demon children.

Vince: Damn them!

Stephanie: But I still think Chris Jericho should be fired.

Jericho: Aw!

Stephanie: Unless he begs for his job back.

Jericho: Why in the hell does this always happen. I mean, every frigging time I get fired from this stupid company. All right. May I please have my job back, Stephanie? You are not at all an attention whore with ridiculous fake breasts and a weird looking cleft chin. And your hair is as perfect as ever.

Stephanie: Ok, now beg the crowd.

Jericho: I’m sorry “WWE Universe” that you’re all a bunch of simpering morons who don’t know their heads from a hole in the ground. I’m sorry you purchase John Cena merchandise and have to put up with Shawn Michaels acting mopey all the time. And mostly, I’m sorry for The Boogeyman. I don’t know why. I just am.

Vince: Chris Jericho! You’re HIIIIIIRRRRRRRRED!

Jericho: I don’t know if that was more or less humiliating than when Trish Stratus had to bark like a dog.

Randy Orton: Did someone say humanization?

Jericho: No.

Orton: Because, I belabor that it is my DESTINY~! to come out here tonight. Because quiet funky, I’m tired of having Steppenwolf here as the genial merger of Monkey Night Ron! That’s right! I think she’s just a stupid whole who happened to have a couple of graham kids for you, Vance! And now I want an apocrypha.

Vince: You know what, Randy? If it weren’t for me and Stephanie, you’d be living in a van with a dude named “Relish,” trying to score blow and high school chicks on your way to your next “gig” which doesn’t actually exist.

Orton: That’s actually my life in a nut spell.

Vince: So I want you to apologize to me for wasting time that could otherwise have been given to one of the women’s matches earlier tonight.

Orton: NADER!

Then Randy punches Vince in the head, and after lining him up, delivers a punt to the temple. THAT’S…Not really his move, but close enough. Randy puts on a pretty great, “Oh, crap. I just did that, didn’t I?” performance, while Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase swoop in to take him away. Johnny Ace and Dean Malenko, of all people, make the save. I wonder if Sergeant Slaughter would’ve been the difference maker here. As it is, Orton bails, Dean and Ace soak up the screen time they’re getting, and Stephanie bawls like her dad just died again. Geez. What a drama queen. John Cena’s Dad took this move and he’s fiiiiine.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Randy Orton will still, inexplicably, not be fired. Chris Tian will make his shocking return that will shock absolutely no one. And, in an even more shocking turn of events, R-Truth will accidentally win the Royal Rumble. R-TRUTH IS GOING TO (be fired before) WRESTLEMANIA!!

Here is the entire 20 minute Inauguration and Address by Barack Obama. It’s definately worth watching, and I’m excited and anxious to see how the next four years in the U.S. pans out.

Meanwhile, I’ll be coming at you with World of Warcraft Sunday later this weekend so sit tight.

It’s fitting that today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, because tomorrow the nation sees part of his dream realized when Barack Obama is sworn in as the next President of the United States of America.

Everybody’s already seen the speach, and I think it’d be corny if I linked to it here. So, instead, what I’m going to do is link to this week’s Obama national address in which he calls for all of us to serve our country.

Hopefully, we’ll be able to take both these great men’s messages to heart in 2009.