Last Week: Randy Orton
Last Week: Randy Ortontotally made Stephanie McMahon fall over, which kind of pissed off Triple H. For some reason. Also, Gay Sean Penn beat the crap out of Mickey Rourke which gives Chris Jericho a lot of hope. All that and a show stopping musical number from Hugh Jackman…TONIGHT!
Justin Roberts is here to introduce Vickie Guerrero. So their idea to build to Wrestlemania is two episodes of Smackdown every week? Uh…Uuugh. Ok, I really hate Smackdown, so this isn’t a good start, show. Maybe I’ll get to hear the awesome promo stylings of Vickie Guerrero this time!
Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Excuuuuuuse me! I’m the new General Manager of RAW.
John Cena: What the hell? That does not make any sense, how in the hell are you the General Manager of more than one show? Why couldn’t Mike Adamle come back and General Manager? Or Stevie Richards! He was a good one! Oh! OH! You know who would be an awesome GM? Mr. T! Because he’s totally, like, an 80s icon! And my character looooooves the 80s, am I right?
Vickie: You have a character?
Cena: Yes. I think. And you know what else I would have? A rematch clause!
Vickie: There are rematch clauses?
And here’s Edge and The Big Show.
Cena: And here’s Edge and The Big Show! Of which one is a greasy looking weirdo and the other is a fat tall guy! You know, Show and Vickie, just because you’re on two shows now doesn’t mean that you have to eat two deli trays! Zing!
Edge: I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I just hate him too much.
Cena: Well that’s too bad, because I’m cashing in my rematch…Tonight!
Edge: Tonight? Wh…Why not at Wrestlemania? That doesn’t make any sense!
Vickie: Don’t worry about it. They wouldn’t blow this on some random RAW in the Middle of Nowhere, Tennessee. So, instead, I’m going to let you pick You can face one of my friends, or one of my family!
Cena: Wait…you have friends? Like who? Big Show?
Big Show: I’m really more of a hanger on.
Cena: Fine then. I’ll pick “Family” on the off chance that I’ll get to wrestle the Gobbledy Gooker tonight.
Edge: Wait…Do I still have a rematch clause? Could I challenge Triple H for the title at Wrestlemania? Ooh! Cool!
Backstage, The Lemony pull up in a car, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes survey the scene.
Cody Rhodes: What the hell is wrong with us? We knew it was only a matter of time before Orton did something goddamn stupid and we got in trouble. Now he’s done about a million goddamn stupid things, and we’re going to spend the next month getting hit in the face with a sledgehammer.
Ted DiBiase: I really hate our lives. So, why do you suppose he waited a whole week to come after us? Surely he’s got our home addresses and everything, right? Is he only going to attack us when the cameras are on?
The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Hey, why don’t you shut the hell up?
Randy Orton: Is every wing cellar?
DiBiase: You don’t think that car we saw earlier with the “HHH” Connecticut vanity plate meant anything?
Hey, you know what this show needs? Shots of people who are watching something other than this show. Here’s some people watching a band which is not at this show. There is a band at this show, though. Paramore. More on that later, because I like to spread these things out.
CM Punk vs. The Miz vs. John Morrison
For a Spot in the Money in the Bank Match
I kind of thought they’d all be in, but whatever. Anyway, somebody pointed me to the Paramore picture blog this morning, and they had a picture of this match, with a caption about how much the lead singer, Hayley Williams loves CM Punk. And I couldn’t help but feel somewhat vindicated that we finally found the one CM Punk fan in the United States. Punk goes for the GTS five seconds into the match. See? Now I say something completely lovely about you, and you have to go and ruin it by trying to end the match in this ridiculous fashion. There is no prize for winning early! That’s it. I’m revoking Punk’s status as top champion on RAW.
Things are progressing just about how you’d expect, with Miz and Morrison beating the hell out of Punk and then abandoning him to fight each other, until Punk gets back up. Wash, rinse, repeat. I really want Miz to win the Money in the Bank. Wouldn’t that be neat? Miz as World Champion? He could get a little championship belt for his Slammy. Punk with the GTS on Morrison for the win. Well…That’s a little better. All is not forgiven though. The crowd seems less than enthused, probably because Punk’s one fan is sitting about fifty rows back. I’ve had better seats than those guys had. Come on, people, you’re a popular rock band. Buy some better seats!
On the other Smackdown, last week, we had an interview with Triple H. Here’s how it went.
Jim Ross: Triple H! Bah God, Randy Orton attacked your wife! How do you feel about that?
Triple H: Wait, are we acknowledging that she’s my wife again. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Well, I didn’t feel good, Jim. Did you see my shaking my head like that? I mean, geez. Right?
Ross: ORTON! ORTON! BAH GOD ORTON!
HHH: Somehow, I think you’re more upset about this than I am.
Ross: Damn him! DAMN HIM TO HELL!
HHH: Yeah, I’m going to go.
Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton’s Door. It’s a second generation door!
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton’s Door. And, you know what? That’s the segment. Turn the camera off, I’m going outside to have a smoke.
Cody Rhodes: You don’t want to talk to us about what happened last week?
Ted DiBiase: You’re not even a little bit curious about our justification for attacking Stephanie McMahon?
Rhodes: Well you know what? Too bad. Because we’re going to tell you! It was Shane’s fault that he challenged Randy Orton to an unsanctioned street fight! Nothing that happened there was sanctioned, Todd! You can’t blame a guy if something goes wrong in a match without sanctions! And as for Stephanie? She tripped.
DiBiase: Yeah! You can’t blame a guy if some girl is a major klutz. Come on!
Grisham: You guys done?
Rhodes: Pretty much.
Santino Marella: I can’t-a believe I got-a rid of all-a of my facial hair-a!
Beth Phoenix: I can’t either really. I’d kind of hoped that shaving your face would make you more attractive, but now you just look like some kind of screwed up man child.
Santino: I thought-a the man child-a was Rhyno-a!
Rosa Mendes: Wasn’t the Manchild, Mick Foley?
Dolph Ziggler: Hello. How are you all this evening?
Beth: This is the partner you chose for us? A whole locker room full of people and all you could come up with is Dolph Ziggler?!
Santino: Nobody else-a wants to tag-a with me!
Beth: There’s a shocker.
Santino: Nice-a abs though, Dolph-a!!
Dolph: Thanks, man. You have nice…uh….
Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with the parking lot. He looks thrilled.
Melina and Cryme Tyme vs. Dolph Ziggler, Santino Marella, and Beth Phoenix (w/ Rosa Mendes)
Oh boy! Cryme Tyme! Thanks for coming out tonight, guys! Shad’s not taking a nap this week, so you know they mean serious business. Which is too bad, because it’s really hard to mean serious business when you’re in this mixed tag match. Anyway, the story of the match is that Santino won’t tag in so Dolph is getting his ass kicked by Cryme Tyme. Finally, Beth goads Santino into tagging in, and Shad hits him with his move (That’s his move!) for the win. Best mixed tag match of the show thus far.
Shawn Michaels is wandering around backstage. Aw. With old age comes senility.
You know who’s backstage? John Cena. Pretty cool, huh?
Shawn Michaels vs. John Bradshaw Layfield
For the Right to Challenge The Undertaker, Not That He’ll Accept or Anything
Actually, that subtitle is a little off, since Vladamir Koslov is in this mix too. Kizarny too I think. I think Vickie is legitimizing this whole process, which is nice. That’s one of the good things about having two Smackdowns, is that the storylines that don’t make any sense at least make a little bit more sense. You know, Shawn really isn’t wrestling any harder since he won his name back. You’d think he’d be kicking faster or something. Both guys go to the outside, and are just too tired to get back to the ring, so they barely beat the ten count. This match has only been going for five minutes! Bradshaw I can excuse because, well…you know, but hasn’t Shawn wrestled multiple hour long matches? Come on.
Both guys are still laying in the middle of the ring when we come back. Isn’t there a second ten count for that? Eh. Shawn goes through his five moves of doom, which is kind of phoning it in at this point. Isn’t he supposed to be trying to be awesome again now that he won his name back? JBL goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but Shawn Superkicks him instead. Huzzah! Vladamir Koslov stomps down to the ring and hits Shawn with a spine buster. This is the best feud in the history of all feuds. Shawn is never going to get a decent match out of Vlad. Somewhere, The Undertaker is shaking his head slowly and thinking about challenging Ricky Ortiz.
Backstage, The Lemony is doing what everyone should do before being attacked. Getting topless.
Jamie Noble vs. Mike Knox
Noble says that he’s going to last longer against Mike Knox than he did against Kane last week. You know what he should do? Grab onto Mike’s beard, and just hide down there for a couple minutes. His longest match in years! I just hope he doesn’t get seriously hurt here. Knox kicks him in the face and then drops him on top of his head. Well…Ok then. Even evil Mike Knox doesn’t know how to react to this, so just hides down in his beard for the rest of the segment. Well…At least Jamie beat his time this week. And he isn’t dead.
Rickey Steamboat is the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame. He’s going to come out and give a speech next, and Chris Jericho is going to attack him. Err…I mean…You know what? Forget it. That’s not even a spoiler.
Here we go.
Michael Cole: And here’s Ricky Steamboat.
Rickey Steamboat: You know what? I can’t believe they made me dress up like a dragon. What the hell was I thinking? At least I get to make a speech.
Chris Jericho: Not if I kick you in the balls first. Look, I can’t believe that you dressed up like a dragon either. What were you thinking, man? You were kind of a big deal! Sure, nothing but a kind of boring mid-carder, but you were a pretty good wrestler! And you won an NWA Title from Ric Flair, which doesn’t mean much, but whatever. So now you’re just a sad old man sitting backstage teaching Kizarny how…not to wrestle. I guess? See, this is why I hate you people.
Steamboat: You know what? You’re absolutely right. What the hell have I done with my life? Oh, that’s right. Collected a decent paycheck. At least I didn’t get fired and have to come crawling back when my band sucked so hard and my stupid reality show didn’t take off. Oh, I’m sorry, was I able to maintain a steady job in that time? Was I able to collect a decent paycheck while teaching the Evan Bournes and Kofi Kingstons of the world not to kill themselves? Oh, gee. Yeah. Good one, Chris. And as I remember it, I think I remember a young Chris Jericho asking for my autograph one time.
Jericho: Uh…That’s kind of creepy that you would remember that.
Steamboat: You had a countdown and pyro. How was I supposed to forget?
Jericho: Oh yeah. Well…At least Mickey Rourke lost. Down you go.
Jericho kicks Steamboat in the balls and then runs away. Wow. Ricky is not the best guy to be verbally sparing with Chris Jericho. But at least he still looks good in a suit.
Todd Grisham: Still here guys. I hate you all.
John Cena vs. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vickie Guerrero)
Cena is nearly crying with laughter when Chavo comes out. He may not get his title shot tonight, but at least he gets to punch Chavo Guerrero. I still love Chavo’s little pancho though. I want to buy one of those. And a sombrero. I’m going as a stereotype this Halloween. Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle as his first move, which is pretty cool, then it’s Attitude Adjuster and STF for the win. Vickie looks sort of disappointed. I don’t know, Vickie. When your grand plan is to send out Chavo, maybe you should just let Edge do all the tactical work from now on. This was your main event by the way. I know, right?
Backstage, Cody, Ted, and Randy are naked and getting oiled up, and Orton’s rubbing a sledgehammer suggestively. I…have nothing to add to that.
Here’s The Lemony.
Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WOW Girls’ Chocolatechip. I just wanted to pint out that if the McMichael family would’ve just left me along, none of them would have been heart. But noooooo, they had to get all up in my gills! And for what? So I wouldn’t win another typo? Branch, please. McMichaels or not, I’m groin to win all sorts of typos. So if I punk Shawn-O-Madge in the head or Steppenwolf falls over, well, as my couchin Abe would say, “It’s not my flout!” And now Triopoly H wants to come here and pretense to be her house man? The feather of her babies? All so he can be the one to take on The Wiper at Wigglestralia? To have the horror of being part of the DESTINY OF ORTON~!?! Good day to you, stir. I say again Good Day! My only help is that your children weren’t watching Monkey Night RAM last week, to see what a wrench their farther has became.
Cody Rhodes: Uh…Randy, Hunter and Stephanie’s kids are, like, babies. I know we’re PG now and everything, but…I’m pretty sure they weren’t watching RAW.
Orton: That’s too brad. I think they could learn a lot washing this show. We’re like a branny Sessiony Street. You people, you don’t know what it’s like to be a celery! To have the parappa rappa follow you where ever you go.
Ted DiBiase: Neither do you, dude. When was the last time you saw the paparazzi stake out a wrestling show?
Orton: Every time Melinda wrestles.
I do love that argument thought, considering there’s at least half a dozen football players and at least one successful tween rock band in the crowd that are way more famous than Orton.
Backstage, Triple H has arrived. Wow! What timing!
Todd Grisham: Finally! Hey, Hunter! Your wife is a whore!
HHH bashes Todd Grisham with a sledgehammer. Todd Grisham has fallen. Hunter rushes the ring where suddenly Orton isn’t so willing to fight. At least not with the sledgehammers. AW DAMMIT! They totally missed the opportunity to have a sledgehammer duel! It’d be a trillion times cooler than any light saber fight. So they get rid of their sledgehammers, but Hunter has a surprise one hidden in his pants. I guess he wasn’t happy to see me after all. Sigh. Hunter is able to thwack Rhodes a pretty good one, but DiBiase and Orton bail.
What follows is pretty much the best Benny Hill chance seen they’ve done since Austin left. You have the Lemony going through doors, running into locked doors, and then chasing Hunter around the room in a circle, then Hunter realizes that he’s supposed to be chasing them, so he turns around and Orton and DiBiase run back out the door, then Hunter is chasing himself down a hall, and then Orton and DiBiase are wearing cheerleader outfits for some reason, then Hunter hits Tough Enough Jessie with a sledgehammer, and she cries, and Cryme Tyme is there for some reason, and finally Orton and DiBiase get into a car, and Hunter hits the car with the hammer, but that doesn’t stop it, so he threatens to Pedigree the car, but DiBiase drives off anyway, so Hunter throws the sledgehammer at the car, like that was going to do something.
You…you know what? It’s better with the Benny Hill music. Trust me. Wait, is this all going to end when Orton punts Aurora Borealis?
Next Week: Triple H and Randy Orton training montages set to the soundtrack of Karate Kid 3! Plus, Chris Jericho beats the living hell out of The Goon for no reason. Plus, Shawn Michaels manages to drag Vladamir Koslov to a 0 star match.