Archive for March 2009

YouTube Monday: OBJECTION!

March 30, 2009 YouTube No comments

So, there are few games in this world that I like more than Capcom’s Ace Attorney series. It’s kind of the perfect mix of absurdist writing, adventure game dynamics, and puzzle solving and it’s a DS game so it’s great for pick-up and play gaming. But some people take their love for the series too far, and I’m not just talking about cosplaying Franziska Von Karma.

May I present to you Takarazuka’s “Phoenix Wright: The Musical. It’s sort of…brilliant, even if it’s all in Japanese. Try not to smile at the Miles Edgeworth dancers. Speaking of Edgey, it’s kind of fascinating that they got his hair so perfect, but they’re not even close on Phoenix. Maybe the girl playing Phoenix didn’t want them to give her the spikes.

What? I didn’t mention that it was an all female acting troupe? Yeah.

Hock SHow Weekend Top Five for March 22nd – 28th, 2009

March 30, 2009 Weekend Top Five No comments

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. The Onion Is Still America’s Finest News Source. You get one of these stories every once in a while, but it’s not very often that it happens on national TV. Jimmy Fallon (who is horrible as the new host of Late Night, by the way) referenced a news story about “Kafka Airport” being named the world’s most alienating airport in one of his monologues last week. The problem? Kafka Airport doesn’t exist, and the article he was referring to was an Onion feature. Oops.

2. Flood Waters Rage in North Dakota, Impacting Delicate Prairie Dog Economy. Seriously, though, I’ve got friends and family that live up that way and I certainly hope they’re all right. The big news up there is that 80% of the homes and businesses in the Fargo/Moorehead don’t have flood insurance and couldn’t get it after the last time the river flooded a few years ago, which means that this damage is going to be a total loss for them. Which…sucks.

3. It’s Re-Branding Season in Hollywood. In an effort to appeal to a less…nerdy audience now that Battlestar Gallactica has ended its run (oh, and so they can get a brand and logo they can actually trademark) the SciFi network is changing its name to SyFy, which is…horrible. But ok, they want something they can put on T-Shirts. That’s fine. But Cartoon Network is going the MTV route of taking over the “CN” branding and rolling out several live action television shows this fall, which…seems to me to be missing the point.

4. ENOUGH with Twitter, Ok? Geez. First there was news that a few basketball players, including Shaq, were fined for Twittering in the locker room at halftime of their games. Then there was Jennifer Aniston breaking up with John Mayer because he was paying more attention to his Twitter feed than her. Then Keith Oberman went on his TV show and bitched about how there’s a Keith Oberman Twitter feed, not knowing that it was his staffers updating information about upcoming episodes. Enough! Ok, Hollywood? I don’t care about your bowel movements. Twitter isn’t cool anymore. Mission Accomplished.

5. Skype Rolls Out iPhone App, Is Confusing. You know what a phone needs? A VoIP client. Ok, so here’s the deal, if you’re near a wireless access point (no the iPhone’s 3G Network doesn’t count), you can send and receive phone calls. On your cell phone. Ok, sure Skype is a free application, but this just smacks of circumventing the process for the sake of circumventing the process. Though a iPod Touch app is also on the way which is potentially intriguing, at least.

RAW Satire for 3/23/09

March 28, 2009 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Shawn Michaels shocked The Undertaker by actually acting like Shawn Michaels for once. Triple H used the power of Stephanie McMahon to lower a cage on…Cody Rhodes, which is kind of a waste if you think about it. And Edge, Big Show, and John Cena agreed to share custody of Vickie Guerrero. Who will get her…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Ric Flair is already in the ring when we get here, so this must be an action packed episode. You don’t short Ric Flair his entrance, you guys.

Ric Flair: They sent me out here before the show even started so that I could STYLE WOO! AND BY GOD PROFILE! Chris Jericho? CHRIS! JERICHO! I accept the challenge that I, myself, basically made to you last week. You’re going to take on Rowdy Roddy Piper, “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat in a “Retirement Home Match” at Wrestlemania. It’s not exactly Jericho/Michaels, but WOO! Retire me? I’m already retired! RETIRE ME?! I’M ALREADY RETIRED!

We cut to Chris Jericho walking backstage.

Chris Jericho: That’s great, Ric. In your fantasy world, I’m sure this is going to be an awesome match, but this is the real world.

Two crew members walk by carrying a “New York City Skyline” set piece.

Jericho: This isn’t like the “movies,” Ric. Mickey Rourke isn’t going to come out here and do a “Ram Jam” and get a lap dance from Marissa Tomei.

A handler leads a flock of emus past Jericho.

Jericho: Ric, this is serious bus-Emus? Really?

Tough Enough Jessie: How else are we going to promote John Cena’s new movie 12 Rounds?

Jericho: There are emus in 12 Rounds? Is that one of the rounds? Emus?

T.E. Jessie: We couldn’t find any ostriches on such short notice! WAAAAAAAAH!

A man in a banana suit dances into the shot.

Jericho: You know what? I’m going to go ahead and go out to the ring.

Jericho walks past the Tiki bar and the Rockettes out to the ring.

Jericho: Just like Mickey Rourke blew the Oscars, your team of Legends is going to blow at Wrestlemania, Ric. And then we’ll see who the real legend is.

Flair: Jericho? JERICHO! The old men will beat you in the most embarrassing loss in Wrestlemania history! And then Mickey Rourke will put you in a pink fur coat and cry about his dead dog. WOOOO!

Then Jericho punches him, because Flair’s kind of being a jerk here. All Jericho ever wanted was a match at Wrestlemania, Ric! Geez. Cut him some slack. They brawl for a while, by which I mean that Jericho punches Flair and Ric “Woos” and bleeds all over. Flair is quickly shoeless, in a clear tribute to Jimmy Snuka. The crowd chants “You Suck” because they’re…not so creative. I guess that‘s what you get for living in Kansas City. Weren‘t they supposed to be in the middle of a 900 show stretch in Texas right now? Lawler gives us “indignation” while he’s sitting there drinking a soda. Jericho grabs a camera guy’s camera and smacks Flair in the face with it. This is basically his dream job. Now he only exists to pay Hogan back for what an asshole he was in WCW. Then, Chris steals Flair’s Retirement watch and stomps all over it. Well that wasn’t nice. Cole starts bitching about how Shawn Michaels gave Flair that watch, but I’m pretty sure it was Triple H, wasn’t it? Either way, this segment probably wasn’t the best way to endear yourself to Hunter, Chris.

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Jeff Hardy vs. Dolph Ziggler


In an Extreme Rules Match

The best way to prepare for fighting Matt Hardy, of course, is taking on Dolph Ziggler. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s not a bad way of preparing to take on Matt Hardy, really. Jeff looks like The Boogeyman if he was a Kabuki dancer. Which is an amusing combination now that I think about it. Dolph has no idea how to sell the Twist of Fate. Pretty much every wrestler does a variation on that move in the Indies. Didn’t he learn it at some point in there? This guy is never going to wrestle Randy Orton at this rate. Maybe he just takes the word “Twist” too literally. Jeff hits Dolph with a chair because it’s *hilarious,* and he gets a Swanton for the win. Afterwards, Jeff has some words for us.

Jeff Hardy: AAAGH! MATT?! EXTREME RULES! YEAAAAAAH!

Jeff Hardy is the best promo giver ever. Meanwhile, John Cena is at “The Tonight Show,” which apparently is still Jay Leno. Hey, do you suppose he could show up at Mania and wrestle Jericho?

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YO! YO! YOOOOO!

Roses are red,


Violets are blue,


Vickie’s got a big ass,


And a Big Show too!

Do you love Edge?


Do you love me?


Do you love 12 Rounds?


Coming soon to DVD?

I’m here in Cali,


To promote my new movie,


And Mania, I guess,


And Vickie’s big booty!

Gonna meet the Idol Judges,


And Seacrest, so dreamy!


Giving Simon Cowell a copy,


Of my CD You Can’t See Me!

But Vickie G, I miss you,


You’ll always be my Dear,


And after Wrestlemania,


THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Er…Will be here, anyway.

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Montel Vontavious Porter, CM Punk, Kofi Kingston and Chris Tian vs. Shelton Benjamin, Mark Henry, Fit Finlay, and Kane (w/ Tony Atlas)

Please, just don’t let Shelton and Kofi interact in this match. My brain can’t take it tonight. This is, of course, the exact same as last week’s six man tag, but with Finlay and Tian assigned to teams. Given that they’re both faces, they drew straws and Dave was forced to team with Mark Henry. This means that Hornswoggle will be hidden away until after the match, where it’s more appropriate to bring up the fact that Finlay is more Shamrock Shake than Drunken Irishman these days. Not that I don’t love Shamrock Shakes. Ric Flair starts randomly talking over the house mic, which is the greatest production gaffe in the history of our great sport. I think it was actually audio from earlier which is even better. Fire the sound guy? He’s already fired! Fire the sound guy?! He’s already fired! WOOO!

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People are cheering for Punk again which is weird. When did this start happening exactly? Certainly not while he was champion. This match needs a little more Kane, so he punches Punk in the face. Wasn’t he supposed to start eviscerating people? Isn’t that what he told Kelly Kelly Kelly a couple months ago? What the hell happened to that? Everybody starts hitting “moves” on each other which means we’re getting to the end game. Don’t they know they’re supposed to be doing their finishers? Do most of these guys even have finishers? Mark Henry’s “move” is that he runs into Kofi. That’s a good one! Christian with the Unprettier or whatever we’re calling it now on Shelton for the win. After the match, Tian and Punk have a stare down which is interrupted by Finlay hitting everyone with a ladder. Which is cool. Then he and Hornswoggle dance around singing a song about Irish Spring. Which is not.

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Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton. Randy, do have anything interesting to say about your match at Wrestlemania?

Randy Orton: Toddster, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WHY Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I’m not soggy that I attacked Vance McCans, Shawn-O-Mike, and Steppenwolf! But Humper should be ashamed of himself for asphalting me in my home, scaring my fake wipe, and breaking my lounging room window! Well to fight, I’m going to take him on with my breast fiend Todd DeGrasse in a Handi-wipe match!

Grisham: So, no then?

Orton: Nope.

Todd Grisham is stampeded by a pack of emus. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Tough Enough Jessie: No! Bad emus! That won’t promote 12 Rounds! WAAAAAH!

Edge v-

But wait, first Vickie Guerrero is being pushed out in a wheel chair by Chavo Guerrero. It’s nice to see Chavo finally being useful.

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Edge vs. The Big Show

Cene agets on the Titan Tron to make fun of them for a few minutes from his green room. Show and Edge trade segments where they punch each other and look over at Vickie for approval, and she ignores them. Dammit, Chavo, why did you push her out here? You’re not useful at all! Show gets Edge wrapped up in the ropes, so Vickie gets Chavo to go into the ring to stop Show from hitting him. WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance gives up the ghost on this whole thing and just leaves. Well, that was nice. Chavo manages to stop Show, and Edge gets untangled and spears Chavo. Ok. That’s kind of rude. Show realizes this, and punches Edge in the face. Thanks for coming out tonight, Chavo!

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Rey Misterio vs. William Regal (w/ John Bradshaw Layfield and Layla El)

Regal comes out in JBL’s limo to JBL’s music to do JBL’s bidding. Actually, I think he just likes Bradshaw’s music as much as the rest of us. Mooo! Bradshaw is on commentary, and as much as I like him as an announcer, he says absolutely nothing the whole time, which is nice. Regal takes Rey down and while everybody’s checking on him to make sure he’s not injured (again), Rey kicks William in the head. That’s not exactly something I would teach the kids there, Mr. Misterio. Incidentally, if I ever write a rap album, I’m pretty sure I’ll call it “Mister Misterio.” If ICP hasn’t already beaten me to that, I guess. Rey wins and after the match he goes ahead and kicks JBL too for good measure. That’s why the children look up to him, I guess.

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Hey, it’s The Undertaker. Haven’t we learned better than to let him do live promos, guys? Guys?

The Undertaker: Last week, Shawn Michaels kicked me in the head. Or something. Look, I really don’t remember anything that happened before five this afternoon. Oh yeah! Except for that one time when my ex-wife beat up DDP. And when I broke Shawn Michaels’ back, which caused him to miss five years of wrestling, but only after he wrestled, like, a hundred more matches.

But wait! What’s this on the Titan Tron? Shawn Michaels in a cemetery? You don’t say!

Shawn Michaels: Undertaker! I’m not at RAW tonight. No, instead I thought I’d come to this cemetery because making fun of you from a cemetery worked so well for John Cena a few years ago. But…uh…It’s kind of cold out here, and pretty creepy. Do you…are there vampires out here? I mean what is this, some kind of movie cemetery or something? There’s weird looking old gravestones and a crypt…somebody’s playing an organ…Stop playing that organ, you’re freaking me out!

The Maestro: Sorry! I thought it added ambiance!

Michaels: Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. So do you think I’m impressed by your winning streak Undertaker? 16-0? Let’s see here who you’ve beaten. Jimmy Snuka at the tail end of his career, or what would’ve been the tail end of his career if he weren’t still wrestling. Jake Roberts, who I’m pretty sure was high the whole match. Giant Gonzales which…uh…yeah. King Kong Bundy just before the rolls of fat overtook his body. Nash, which, and don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, but I don’t think he was trying very hard. Sid, of course, who threatened to attack someone with a squeegee and then crapped his pants. Bossman in a Hell in a Cell match, which I don’t even remember. Kane, twice, which would be impressive if everybody didn’t beat Kane. Then you beat Hunter and then Flair, so I applaud you for having two actual matches, and then A-Train and Big Show which you would’ve lost if not for the help of frigging Nathan Jones. Orton, ooookay. Then Mark Henry in a Casket Match, which sadly didn’t end his career. And what? Dave? Edge? Look, that’s maybe…three and a half actual matches in there, and I’m pretty sure you were juicing for at least one of them. So…you know what? I’ve totally lost my point in there, so I’m just going to Superkick a tombstone and dig a hole and you pretend to be terrified, ok?

Papa Shango: BOO!

Michaels: AH! What the hell are you doing here?

Shango: You’re the one in the graveyard. It’s time once again for Shawn Michaels to come aboard the HOoooooooooooO Train!

Michaels: I don’t think Whyspyr would appreciate that very much.

Shango: What if I tell you the secret to beating The Undertaker?

Michaels: I think I’ve got this one.

Shango: It’s his urn! Take that and he’ll be powerless!

Michaels: That’s…an interesting theory.

Shango: It’s better than these crappy vignettes in a fake cemetery.

Meanwhile, in the ring, Undertaker has fallen asleep. Wake up, Dead Man! You’re supposed to be terrified!

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Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix and Rosa Mendes) vs. Alexis Laree (w/ Kelly Kelly Kelly and Melina)


In a One Arm Tied Behind Santino’s Back Match

That’s one of Santino’s arms, not both his and Alexis’. Santino starts things off claiming that if he can beat Alexis here, that he’ll have proven that he’s man enough to be Miss Wrestlemania. Actually, I think all the eye liner does a pretty good job of that. So are Canadians just getting hockey scores this whole time? Anyway, she pretends to tie Santino’s other hand behind his back too, and the rope comes off, and Santino just ends up looking like (more of) an idiot just clasping his hands behind his back. He almost makes up for it by trying to climb the turnbuckles with just his ears, but Alexis kicks him in the face for the win instead. King makes sure to mention the fact that Melina and Kelly are there, despite the fact that neither did a damn thing during the match. I’m guessing none of them is going to be in Playboy this year?

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Randy Orton and Ted-

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Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase vs. Triple H


In a Handicap Match

Oh, show. Don’t test me. Dammit! I almost made it two whole weeks without mentioning Test. This is all Shawn Michaels’ fault. Lawler spends a good portion of this time challenging Chris Jericho to a match next week. Where is RAW next week? Memphis, Texas? That will sure teach him, Jerry! Sure, you did nothing to stop him attacking Flair, but next week…Oh next week things will be different! So, I just looked up where RAW was going to be next week, and it’s in Dallas (naturally), but Yahoo’s description of the event is fantastic. “World Wrestling Entertainment performs nationally in the country’s largest venues. ‘Sunday Night Heat,’ Monday night’s ‘Raw is War’ and ‘Smackdown’ on Thursday nights are some of the most popular shows on cable and broadcast television.” What, was that written five years ago? I half expect there to be a listing for Thunder in here somewhere. They don’t even call it “Internet Heat!”

You’ll notice that I’m not talking about the match, mostly because there wasn’t one. Hunter went for the sledgehammer and pulled out Cody Rhodes instead, wearing a Wrestlemania T-Shirt, like he’s Tommy Dreamer or something. Hunter registers disappointment for, like, ten seconds, which is enough time for The Lemony to handcuff him to the ropes and start a beat down. Only, Hunter isn’t going to sell for the lesser Lemons, and he swats them away until Orton kicks him down. The Orton gets the sledgehammer (why doesn’t he just swing Cody?), and threatens to murder Hunter unless Stephanie comes down and saves him.

So…didn’t Hornswoggle see Cody down there? Were they, like, playing cards or something? “Oops, I think I hear Finlay hitting people with a ladder. Gotta go! Nice chatting with you, Cody!” If so, he’s kind of an asshole for not telling Hunter.

Stephanie comes flouncing out, and begs Orton not to hit Hunter, so Randy gets her with a DDT instead. The crowd goes wild, which is kind of cool. I like Kansas City a lot more now. Except the move straight from that to chanting for Shawn Michaels, who is totally in a cemetery right now, hello! Orton looks at Hunter and then figures, “What the hell” and makes out with Steph right there. Well, I mean, I guess if he can get away with an affair with Kelly Kelly Kelly, kissing Stephanie after attacking her will be nothing. HHH is furious despite having taking part in essentially this exact same angle ten years ago. Orton, tired of the hypocrisy, hits Hunter with the hammer, probably breaking his own hand in the process.

Next Week: The world’s best Pretend Girlfriend Swap, when John Cena sleeps with Stephanie McMahon and Randy Orton takes Vickie Guerrero for a ride on the actual Space Mountain. Also, Jerry Lawler acts all self righteous before doing nothing to save himself from a beating by Chris Jericho. And the Road To Wrestlemania nears its conclusion when Shawn Michaels visits the oatmealy grave of Paul Bearer.

American Idol: Season 8, Top 10

March 26, 2009 American Idol No comments

Thanks to President Obama, I had an extra week to stew about Alexis getting voted off last week. It’s probably just as well, I don’t think I could take her husband. Hey! It’s Motown Week! That should be fun, right? How many country songs, Broadway Showtunes, and songs about your dead wife have come out of Motown? A lot, right?

The mentor for this week is Smokey Robinson, who takes the Idols on a tour of his recording studio in Detroit before flying back to LA with them so that he can meet the gravely ill Michael Sarver. I wonder if this is Megan’s strategy. She’s going to infect the other contestants until she’s the only one left!

Matt Giraud
Singing: “Let‘s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye
Smokey Robinson Says: Hearing John Mayer cover Marvin’s music made me cry.
Performance: He starts off doing that funky piano thing before ditching the piano and dancing around. I think this makes him the only person ever to actually listen to Paula Abdul. He still sounds exactly like a John Mayer cover of whatever song he’s doing, but in this case it totally works. It’s actually, genuinely, one of the best performances of the season so far.
Judges Say: Thankfully there was a Motown song that was right in your proverbial wheelhouse.
I Say: It was a bit of a struggle during country week, but he’s clearly one of the top two or three performers in this group.
Change: +2
Score: +4

Kris Allen
Singing: “How Sweet It Is” by Marvin Gaye
Smokey Robinson Says: Very nice! High five!
Performance: I’m digging the superfluous guitar playing here. Is he even actually playing? Whatever. I’m actually really distracted by all the feedback coming from his mic. Don’t think it’s gotten past me, by the way, that they paired him with Giraud this week, and they’re both singing Marvin Gaye songs. THEY ARE THE SAME CONTESTANT! Only Kris is a lot less interesting. And good.
Judges Say: We love your boyish charm and fake guitar playing.
I Say: I don’t understand Kris Allen. He’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an okish but boring singer.
Change: +1
Score: +1

Scott MacIntyre
Singing: “You Can’t Hurry Love” by Diana Ross and The Supremes
Smokey Robinson Says: What is it with this guy singing like a girl?
Performance: Scott is the anti-Matt Giraud, so he calls Paula out for telling him not to sit behind the piano he’s going to do it anyway! He’s got the backup singers standing next to him, which looks really weird. Vocally it’s fine, but it’s very…Like he’s playing this in a Sears or something. Scott has a future as a mall busker. At least it’s not inspirational! It’s a desperate call for booty! Pink pants! I give Paula a lot of credit for making specific technical comments about the contestants this year to try to make herself relevant in the face of Kara, but she pulls a coloring book out of her dress for Simon, which is…weird. And then Ryan calls crayons “crowns” and I’m over this segment.
Judges Say: We like the tempo changes, but you didn’t perform it very well.
I Say: He keeps blaming the song choices, but I think he’s pretty much defined himself as an artist.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +2

Megan Joy “Corkery“
Singing: “For Once in My Life” by Ron Miller
Smokey Robinson Says: She’s different and by that I mean “weird.”
Performance: Holy hell. So we’re back to this again. She’s dressed as a fish bowl and singing out of the…side of her throat or something she sounds ridiculous, but not in the cool way like last week. I don’t know. I really *want* to like her voice, but she’s just a complete clusterfuck. Watching Simon here is awesome, because he’s clearly all, “Oh, this shit again” in the close-up, and then he’s totally trying to look up her dress when she walks by him. Megan starts to cry during the Judge’s comments. She’s this year’s Brooke White!
Judges Say: A complete and utter mess once again.
I Say: She’s this year’s awesome Sanjaya mess, and I hope she stays around because I love to hate it so much.
Change: -2
Score: -3

Anoop Desai
Singing: “Ooh Baby Baby” by Smokey Robinson
Smokey Robinson Says: I’m feelin’ Anoop. I am incapable of saying something mean.
Performance: I kind of love 50s Lounge Lizard Anoop. He looks like such a dork, and Simon’s right, there’s no emotional connection in any of his songs, but he totally looks like he belongs in a 50s Diner right here singing to a girl over a milkshake. Anoop’s sisters are decked out in their St. Patrick’s Day finest for some reason.
Judges Say: There’s no emotional connection here, try changing it up a bit.
I Say: It was ok, I like Anoop, but I think he really does need to put some personality into it now.
Change: +1
Score: -1

Michael Sarver
Singing: “Ain‘t Too Proud to Beg” by The Temptations
Smokey Robinson Says: Be more aggressive! Was that mean enough?
Performance: It fulfills Michael’s requirement of having the word “ain’t” in it, so it’s got that going for him. Unfortunately, he doesn’t really follow Smokey’s advice, and his arrangement is just not very good. I mean, someone as painfully white as Michael is automatically at a disadvantage during Motown week, but this was just really not good at all. It probably wasn’t even worth Smokey flying back to LA to meet him!
Judges Say: Even Paula knows this was pretty awful.
I Say: He missed his mark on country week, and now we’re into the song selections he’s no good at and that’s not good.
Change: -1
Score: +1

Lil Rounds
Singing: “(Love is Like a) Heatwave” by Martha and the Vandellas
Smokey Robinson Says: She can sing the phone book! You say that on the show a lot.
Performance: Firstly, I love her with the little bob cut, I think she looks great. But Motown was supposed to be her week. She’s a Motown singer, and so she was supposed to dominate. I think it’s kind of telling that they decided not to close the show with her, because this was really mediocre. Like, horribly so. No big notes, no interesting changes it just kind of…sucked, honestly. This happened to Melinda Doolittle too, so Lil might be in a Lil trouble.
Judges Say: You were supposed to dominate, but this was not your week.
I Say: Even during her theme she sucked, which doesn’t bode well for her future.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +1

Adam Lambert
Singing: “Tracks of My Tears” by Smokey Robinson
Smokey Robinson Says: This is actually pretty damn good.
Performance: Ho. Lee. Shit. He’s dressed as Elvis with gauges, and it’s actually pretty goddamn awesome. The vocals are still kind of weird and theatrical, but with the pompadour, the suit, the acoustic band, hell, it actually kind of really really works. I still think he’ll probably fall on his ass like he did last week more often than not, but everything taken together this week, he was pretty awesome.
Judges Say: Way to redeem yourself there, Elvis.
I Say: My favorite performance of his to date, and I actually mean that in a good way this time..
Change: +2
Score: +1

Danny Gokey
Singing: “Get Ready” by The Temptations
Smokey Robinson Says: I want you to sing all the words.
Performance: Danny frowns some, and Smokey calls him out for trying to get the background singers carry him. But seriously, I thought of any of the themes, Danny’s voice was probably best suited to this Motown week, and there aren’t any dead wife songs for him to do, so he’s out of his element! The vocals are actually pretty good, all things considered, though his voice breaks all the time. Then he lets the background singers carry him! Smokey wants to kill him! Simon is fucking over the Danny Gokey experience!
Judges Say: Your best performance this season, but that’s not saying much.
I Say: It sounded ok, but I’m pretty much with Simon here. Over it.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +1

Allison Iraheta
Singing: “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by The Temptations
Smokey Robison Says: She should probably learn the words to this song.
Performance: Allison’s Jekyll and Hyde act continues as she’s a complete and utter dork in interviews, but a pretty good singer. This still sounds exactly the same as everything else she’s ever done on this show. So it’s good but boring as all hell. Pretty much the second best of the night though, all things considered. She did forget some of the words, obviously in two spots too, but ok.
Judges Say: Why were you in the bottom three? We wanted you to win!
I Say: Another good performance, but I’m really sick of her for some reason. She’s worn on me.
Change: +2
Score: +5

My Bottom Two:

Michael and Megan

Kris is safe this week, for whatever reason. Scott should probably in the bottom three, but I don’t think he will be for whatever reason. You’re kind of left with whether or not America is sick of Megan’s shit yet, because Adam and Anoop are clearly trying to horn in on her retro weirdness, and also because she dresses like a fishbowl. I just think Michael’s ticket is up because he was crappy last week on “his” week, and he’s still crappy this week, so it’s time to pack it in and call it a day.

Wallace and Grommit’s Grand Adventures: Fright of the Bumble Bees Review

March 26, 2009 Uncategorized No comments

Like I did when I heard TellTale had gotten the rights to do a Strong Bad game, I took the news of the Wallace and Gromit games with some trepidation. On one hand, TellTale has basically become *the adventure company* (with all due respect and apologies to The Adventure Company), and I trust their talented and friendly staff empirically. On the other hand, as much as I like the films, Wallace and Gromit doesn’t exactly scream “Adventure Game” to me.

The story finds intrepid inventor Wallace attempting to build a business piping honey to his neighbors for a small fee, and to help pay back a debt to a local grocer whose store he inadvertently destroyed. To help produce the necessary honey, Wallace comes up with a process to supersize the bee’s pollen intake, and accidentally sets off a course of actions which ends with the bees seizing control of the town, while his faithful dog Gromit looks on with a frown.

And therein lies the problems I found myself having with “Fright of the Bumble Bees.” Throughout the game, it doesn’t seem like very much is actually happening. For long stretches you play as Gromit, and while I appreciate the effort piled into making his face tremendously expressive, the truth is that without context sensitive dialog or reparte with the other characters, his sequences come off a bit stolid. Even Wallace’s portions are a bit ponderous, which was probably a conscious design choice, but it just never feels like the plot picks up any steam, and as a result when the climax finally does happen, it feels very artificial.

It’s worth noting that this is the first TellTale game that will be offered on the XBox Live Marketplace, and as such they’re experimenting with a game pad control scheme. Like a sort of Grim Fandango-hybrid, you control Wallace or Gromit with your keyboard or gamepad and use your mouse or buttons to examine/perform actions on hotspots throughout the locations. It’s still a little clumsy on PC, but it’s surprisingly comfortable with the X-Box controller.

Extra Features:

Only a preview of the next episode is included. There’s a shooting gallery mini-game towards the end of the episode that can be played as much as you’d like, but you’ll have seen all the jokes in it within the few minutes you *have* to play it. Other than that, the lack of real “Bonus” material is a little disappointing.

Technical:

The review copy of the game was surprisingly buggy, with a number of collision errors and an occasionally unresponsive cursor. There were also a few audio glitches, and the game seemed to have trouble syncing the audio track with the game at points. The most glaring example of this is during a scene in the police station. If you fail the puzzle, Wallace does a little internal monologing about why your solution didn’t work, but before he’s finished talking, the game has already started looping the officer’s dialog over it, so you don’t really get to hear the “hints” the game is offering.

I should note that TellTale has been remarkable about patching these things in the final release version of the game, so you may never experience these problems.

Graphics:

I’m very impressed at how well the team has translated the claymation characters into the digital game world. They’re much more impressively done than the oddly blocky Homestar Runner characters. The level of minor details for each of the characters is very impressive, and true to the films.

There are only a handful of locations to visit in “Fright of the Bumblebees,” and they are actually a little spartan, but that fits in well with the nature of the Wallace and Gromit universe, much as it did with the Homestar Runner rooms. But for those gamers interested in the exploration aspects of these types of games, there’s really not much here to see.

Sound:

It’s interesting, because the voices are very well done. The voice actors are all pros and handle their characters very well, but Wallace and Gromit fans will be disappointed to know that Peter Sallis does not reprise his role as Wallace here. The “sound-alike” actor that they got is quite good, really, but his inflections and cadence are a bit off, noticeably so in some cases. You can’t really blame anyone for this, but it’s still a bit odd to have somebody else voicing the character.

The songs are entirely ambient in all but a few key cases, but well done. For all I know they could’ve been ripped straight from the movies. In the one case where the music actually plays a role in the game play, it’s actually oddly bland, considering how fantastic the music from Sam and Max was, I know TellTale has great in-house music development, so it’s kind of an odd choice of songs.

Replay Value:

Pretty much none. There are a few widgits and whatnots you might miss on your first playthrough (don’t miss Wallace’s reaction when you tell him to wake himself up, it’s the one legitimate laugh out loud line in the game), but you won’t really be *missing* anything by not picking it up a second time.

Final Score: 6/10

TellTale has a history of taking a few games to fully grasp the universe of a game before they really start producing great content. In this case, I think they fully grasped what makes Wallace and Gromit tick, and the result was a pleasant, sort of boring, forgettable game. I tried very hard to accept the games’ sense of its own whimsy at face value, but it got a little hard to do as the game started to build to the end.

There’s something here I can’t quite put my finger on, and I’m still genuinely excited to see what Tell-Tale can do with the franchise, but I’m almost certain that the series really needs to go one of two ways. Either have the player constantly control either Wallace or Gromit so that Wallace can always provide the contextual quips and narration, giving Gromit something meaningful to react to, or make it a series of “Island of Doctor Brian”/”Professor Layton’s Curious Village”/”Incredible Machine” hybrid, which matches more close the gaming concepts contained in the Wallace and Gromit universe.

For every genuinely interesting or amusing puzzle that you’re faced with, there’s some weird, laborious extra hurdle jump which stalls out the plot, making the experience a bit like treading in pudding. You know that, at its heart, pudding has nothing against you and is delicious, but eventually you’re going to get tired and it’s going to kill you.

If you’re interested in taking a look at the game, you can download a copy of the PC Demo at the TellTale Website.

YouTube Monday: Film Festacular

March 23, 2009 YouTube No comments

It’s film festival season, which means that The Hock Show will be on the road next week, taking in the sights and splendor of the Wisconsin Film Festival. Last year, we saw a number of films, but few really stuck with me.

One that did was, Mad City Chickens. Not because it was a wonder of film making or anything, but mostly because it’s a documentary about owning chickens. In Madison. In the city. I forget where I was going with this, but there it is.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for March 15th – 21st, 2009

March 23, 2009 Weekend Top Five No comments

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World.

1. March Madness Kicks Off. All of my teams are out already, and my bracket is in shambles, so I’m just going to go ahead and root for Cleveland State until they inevitably collapse too. Seriously, though, you have to love yourself some college hoops, for these couple weeks anyway.

2. Obama Makes Like Joe Bidden. President Barack Obama made a huge gaffe during an appearance on The Tonight Show, calling his bowling skills during the campaign “Special Olympics.” The President later apologized, saying that he actually meant that he bowls like “a kid with cancer.”

3. Mountain Dew Rolling Out Game Fuel 2. Two years ago, it was the Halo 3 Game Fuel that made a big hit amongst gamers, what with its fruit punchy taste and mountains of caffeine. Now, it’s World of Warcraft branded. The flavors? The Horde get the old stand by “Cherry” that Halo fans loved so much, while the Alliance is relegated to…”Wiki-fruit.” What the hell is that? An archive of fruits?

4. Facebook Changes Its Frontpage Again. Is this going to be a weekly thing now? They changed it from the solid, durable Old Facebook to the new, gangly New Facebook, to its current iteration, that looks like Twitter slept with Myspace and then threw up all over the New Facebook. Reaction has been…reserved. Except within the company itself, as employees have been taking to their blogs to complain about how ungainly their new frontpages look.

5. Bismarck, ND Police Department Rolls Out the “Batmobile.” The $50,000 wondercar features voice recognition, ergonomic cockpit, a supercharged engine and fueling system, and side mounted shotguns. Also, the rear is made entirely of washable plastic for those occasional “bio-spills” from perps. The police say they can’t wait to try the new vehicle out, as soon as they leave Bismarck.

RAW Satire for 3/16/09

March 19, 2009 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker reminded us why Taker isn’t allowed to do live promos anymore. John Cena declared his undying love for stupid romance angles. Also, Triple H and Randy Orton took part in the most hilarious episode of Cops ever. EVER?! TONIGHT!!!!

(Opening Credits)

Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker vs. Vladamir Kozlov and John Bradshaw Layfield

Yes, I realize that my question in the intro wasn’t really a question. What do you care anyway? I still think they made a mistake changing Kozlov’s music. The track that he had on the old WWE The Music CD was this perfect Russian anthem circa 1988. This song just makes him sound like he’s coming home from a gay disco scene in a Transporter movie. I just took that metaphor about six levels too far, but I think you know what I mean. Shawn’s been in the match this whole time. Hey! They’re in San Antonio!

(ads)

Taker apparently finally tagged in during the break, stood around for a few minutes, and then tagged back out when the commercial was over. Shawn and JBL fight for a while. Remember when that was a thing? Heh. I’m so glad we’re past that. Taker finally tags in and beats up Kozlov for what seems like a half hour. This is the Wrestlemania match you know Taker wanted. Gotta fight the mid-card heel flavor of the month to pad the stats! Taker with the Chokeslam, but Michaels tags back in and hits a Superkick too, and then steals the pin for himself. HA! He’s still got it! Taker chases Shawn out of the ring, but when they get to the top of the ramp, Shawn levels him with a Superkick. The crowd goes nuts, not just because it’s his home town, but because Shawn Michaels being a dick rules.

(ads)

Backstage, Vickie Guerrero is talking to Edge, and I really hope she promos the hell out of this segment without just quoting The Rock.

Vickie Guerrero: Edge, I’m sorry I’m having sex with John Cena and The Big Show.

Edge: Eh, I can’t stay mad at you, Vickie. After all, I’m still having sex with Lita and my ex-wife. Besides, if Randy Orton can get married a couple months after having a relationship with Kelly Kelly Kelly serious enough for Kane to get involved, this can happen to anybody.

Vickie: Yes, yes. Needs more Kane.

Edge: Shh! Don’t actually…say that out loud, ok? He’ll probably come down here and start you on fire, or give you some chicken parmesan or something.

Vickie: But I love chicken parmesan!

Edge: Not this stuff. Trust me.

Vickie: Big Show does have a big penis though.

Edge: I really didn’t need to hear that.

Vickie: I know. I’m just saying.

Edge: Well, how about just not.

Vickie: I love you, Edge.

Edge: I love me too, Vickie. I love me too.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with The Lemony.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with The Legacy, and guys-

Ted DiBiase: It actually really is “The Lemony,” Todd.

Grisham: Really?

Cody Rhodes: Yeah. It doesn’t make any sense to us either.

Randy Orton: Toddster, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan! Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WOG Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I’m shore you’re aspirating to your self, “Toddster, why didn’t Ranky press churches against Triopoly H after his asphalt last week?”

Grisham: Sort of.

Orton: This is progressional wrestle wings, Toddster. Don’t be stupid. Pinapple asphalt each other all the times. Plus, did you see my wipe? She’s totally haunt!

Grisham: And brain-dead.

Orton: She’s portrait for me! Anyway, 888, at Wigglestralia, I’m going to end your car’s ear, you hog styled maniac!

(ads)

Layla El, Jillian Hall, and Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella and Rosa Mendez) vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly, Alexis Laree, and Melina

Santino’s on commentary, which is nice. The guy hasn’t cut an extended promo since, like, July of last year. How’s he supposed to stay over? His eyebrows can only do so much! Look, I know there’s only, like, five face women on this roster, but would it have been too much to ask for to give Kelly the night off here? Really? Beth and Alexis start, go about three minutes, and then Melina sneaks in and rolls Beth up (That’s her move!) for the win. Jillian and Layla were just happy to be out here tonight. Kelly, probably not so much.

(ads)

Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes (w/ Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase)

Hunter hits the PEDIGREE TO RHODES~! and then spends ten minutes wandering around waving a sledgehammer at Orton and DiBiase. He finally gets sick of that, so he has the gods from on-high lower a steel cage onto the ring. Orton and DiBiase, brilliant minds that they are, cannot figure out how to keep Hunter distracted long enough for one of them to attack him, especially when he’s wielding Cody Rhodes’ lifeless body as a weapon. Oh, so it’s going to be one of those feuds, is it? Hunter finally gets sick of this too, so he just pins Cody. Then he goes up to the top of the cage and dangles his feet down, and essentially getting himself stuck and probably seriously injured if he was fighting a group with more than one brain cell to pass around. Hunter’s seriously the fourth dumbest person in this feud. It did let me get a good laugh at the thought of Hunter trying to jump off the top of the cage at Orton though.

(ads)

Ric Flair is currently stylin’ and profilin’ at an autograph signing in Josh’s mom’s basement.

Rey Misterio vs. Dolph Ziggler

You know? What the hell, right? The announcers talk about how Rey gets injured before Mania every year, and poor Rey doesn’t even get a promo to challenge JBL to a match. Michael Cole does it for him. Hell, they don’t even get…an angle. Rey is clearly trying to decide on a Mania outfit one item at a time. He’s seriously wearing ten different outfits right now. Just go dressed as Batman, Rey. Just like everybody knows you will. Rey with a 619 and the faux frogsplash for the win. See you next month, Dolph! Hopefully you’ll have a character by then!

(ads)

Chris Jericho is out, and given the lack of referee, match announcement, or chance in hell that this match is going to happen, I’d guess this match probably isn’t going to happen. Let’s let Chris Jericho justify this segment’s existence, shall we?

Chris Jericho: I know what you’re all thinking, but I don’t have to justify this segment’s existence. I knew that Ric Flair wouldn’t be “The Man” enough to show up here tonight. He’s probably sitting in some guy’s basement right now signing autographs and hitting on his teenage daughter. How dare you, Flair? How dare you honor your stupid fakey retirement and refuse to wrestle me at this random RAW? This is serious business right here!

Ric Flair: WOO! Retire me? I’m already retired! Retire me?! I’m already retired!!

Jericho: Then why did you bother showing up? Just to look old on national TV?

Flair: I may not be able to beat you in a match, but I know some people that also are not capable of beating you in a match!

Why, it’s Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, and Rowdy Roddy Piper! All the people he’s “wronged” over the past month. What are the odds of this? The oldies surround the ring, very, very slowly, and take their positions. Piper is the first to act, rolling into the ring and disjointing his fake hip. Snuka’s soon to follow, mumbling incoherently and wandering off into the crowd. Steamboat and Flair hit the ring to beat down Jericho, but he had already left a half hour ago while he was waiting for the legends to get to their spots.

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Chris Jericho.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho, and Chris, I have to ask you, what the hell was that all about?

Jericho: Hell if I know, Todd. Look, I guess I’m supposed to be here challenging all three of them to a match, and that’s all well and good, because there’s no reason I can’t beat three pensioners into submission, but I’m legitimately afraid I’m going to break one of them. Did you see Piper out there tonight? That guy’s hip might break off in my hand! Whatever. Look, it’s going to be awful, so why doesn’t Flair come down to dance around outside the ring every time one of them tries to gum my face off, and then we’ll put Mickey Rourke up there front and center to maximize the spectacle. At least Jeff Hardy will have someone to talk to.

Grisham: That doesn’t sound like serious business at all, Chris.

Jericho: You know what else doesn’t sound like serious business? Your face.

Grisham: Oh. Good one. Zing.

Shelton Benjamin, Kane, and Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas) vs. Kofi Kingston, Montel Vontavious Porter, and CM Punk

Chris Tian, Finlay, and Hornswoggle are on commentary, which is…interesting. So what, we’re not going to get the Brothers Tian reunion tonight? Pfft. I also notice that they didn’t really do a good job splitting the Faces/Heels for this match, and also, I had no clue that MVP was a face. When did that happen? Kofi and Shelton start the match, and my head just exploded. Seriously, did they do that just to blow my mind?! How can you wrestle yourself?! Is this…like an existential crisis he’s going through or something? Even WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance doesn’t seem to know quite how to deal with the cold reality of this situation, so he asks another two, any other two, start this match.

(ads)

It’s Kane and Kofi now, which makes more sense. Chris Tian and Hornswoggle are having a fistfight at the announce table, which lets me realize they’re about the same size. Things devolve and Mark Henry gets involved, which is fun because this is the first time Tony Atlas has even paid attention to this match. And MVP gets in there too! I forgot he was even in this match! Punk with the GTS on Shelton, which makes Finlay happy, because somebody’s finally attacking their own teammates. Punk, MVP, and Kofi win!

Backstage….

Vickie Guerrero: How did I manage to look even more frumpy in this referee’s shirt? I thought referee shirts were supposed to make everybody look amazing.

The Big Show: Yeah, well, not you or Mick Foley, I guess.

Vickie: Show, are you just using me to advance your career? Or are you just using me for my hot bod?

Show: Vickie, I’m just using you to make my wife jealous so she’ll stop hiding my cookies.

Vickie: I can respect that.

Show: But I think Edge is using you to further his career.

Vickie: I know, right? True love!

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Triple H.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Triple H. Hunter, before you get into your stupid looking black Hummer, I have to ask you, what dark magicks did you use to make that cage that nobody noticed earlier appear and then lower down onto the ring?

Triple H: Todd, get out of my way before I run you over with my car.

Grisham: No!

Hunter climbs into his ridiculous Hummer and makes out with Stephanie McMahon, who apparently was faking her horrible injury from falling over this whole time! Grisham stands defiantly in front of the vehicle, but HHH manages to avoid running him over. Grisham looks a little disappointed, but he’s quickly flattened by a speeding rental car. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Kane: Aw dammit. Sorry, Todd.

(ads)

Edge vs. John Cena


With Special Guest Referee Vickie Guerrero

The story of the match is that if John even so much as touches Vickie, he’s out of the Wrestlemania match. I guess that’s what he gets for playing all his cards last week. I can’t tell if John Cena is even stupider than Triple H or not. Unless Cena has some other dirt on Vickie or something. She has a third nipple! She shops for clothes at Walgreens! Big Show rambles out and he and Edge beat on Cena for a while. What a nice couple they make! Show goes to punch Cena out, and Edge Spears him. What a jerk! All he was doing was trying to help you! And have sex with your wife! And…That’s it, I guess. Cena wins by count out, then?

Next Week: Kofi and Shelton have a singles match to really mess with my head. Cena one-ups Vickie Guerrero by threatening to not participate in the match if Big Show or Edge touch her. And The Undertaker attempts a live promo again, and ends up challenging Hornswoggle to a match at a ROH show somehow.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Blade’s Edge Mountains – A Great Place To See Blade’s Edges and Mountains

March 19, 2009 World of Warcraft No comments

Places of Interest

Evergrove
Gruul’s Lair
The Circle of Blood
Thunderlord Stronghold
Mok’Nathal Village
Sylvanaar
Toshley’s Station

Blade’s Edge is kind of a strange zone, at least in terms of Burning Crusade Content. While the other zones have a lot of memorable quests and instances, Blade’s Edge is all about the grind. There are a few unique little side quests for higher level characters, and one relatively interesting raid dungeon, but overall there’s not much to Blade’s Edge.

The quests aren’t particularily well connected, and they’re not particularily well grouped either. It really does feel like it’s just meant as a buffer between Nagrand and the Netherstorm, especially considering it’s relatively hard to navigate some of the zone without your flying mount. I don’t know if it was made specifically to cool players off before the major instance content started up again, or if it was just poorly drawn out, but I’m not a big fan of Blade’s Edge.

Mining: Fel Iron, Adamantite, Khorium, Eternium. To be fair, there is quite a bit of ore to be had here, as might be expected. It’s actually one of the better sources of Khorium in the game, and when you have your flying mount, it’s pretty easy to fly from node to node.

Herbalism: Dreaming Glory, Felweed. On the other end of the spectrum, there’s not much to be had in the way of herbs, except mostly up around Evergrove. It is, at least partially, interesting to note that Blade’s Edge was the first zone in the game not to feature any herbs from Vanilla WoW.

Cloth: Netherweave. It’s getting a bit redundant to say, but there’s a ton of Netherweave to be had here as well. There are a number of different humanoid mobs that will drop Netherweave, but farming should really concentrate on the ogres in the south and the arakoa in the north.

Leather: Knothide Leather, Fel Hide, Nether Dragonscale. Good spot to pick up the Nether Dragonscales if you need them. There are lots of netherdrakes in the area, and a number of quests involving killing them or getting items from their area. It’s maybe not the most useful piece of leather, but it can be a nice source of income if you farm enough of it.

After the tranquil setting of Nagrand, it’s a little hard to enjoy your time in Blade’s Edge. There’s too much clutter, and the quest hubs are scattershod, making navigating the zone more of a hassle than anything else. More or less, this is just here to level you up for some of the content in Netherstorm and Shadowmoon, which is especially unfortunate, because most players will set sail for Northrend after Blade’s Edge and never see that content.

The Hock On American Idol: Seaon Eight, Top Ten

March 18, 2009 American Idol No comments

It’s week two, and who the hell knows what’s going on here. Country week? Wonderful. I can’t wait for Lil and Adam’s performances. Oh! And Anoop! This is going o be the best train wreck ever. It’s just too bad Kristy Lee Cook isn’t out here tonight, because I miss her ridiculous “America: Fuck Yeah!” performances.

Their mentor? Randy Travis. I imagine he doesn’t have anything better to do these days. He also looks really depressed to be here tonight. Poor guy. He’s in the audience with Madame, which is always good to see.

Michael Sarver
Singing: “Ain‘t Goin‘ Down (’Til the Sun Comes Up)” by Garth Brooks
Performance: This really does have a shit load of words. Geez. He’s clearly in his element here, which unfortunately means that he’s enjoying it more than he should, which makes it come off like he’s singing with his friends instead of for the American Public. He screws up a few times, but he does a better job with the words than I would have. Totally awkward? The poor harmonica player who had a camera in his face the whole time.
Judges Say: You stayed until Country Week, right? Good, fun but not overwhelming.
I Say: That was a whole shit ton of words coming out there, but it was probably too much “fun” there.
Change: +1
Score: +2

Allison Iraheta
Singing: “Blame It on Your Heart” by Patty Loveless
Randy Travis Says: Great singer, but she’s weird as all hell.
Performance: Two weeks ago she sang a song by Heart! I love these little connections that only I care about. She’s wearing about thirteen different outfits, which is fantastic. The tremble in her voice is already super annoying, but she’s still pretty good. I think the counter for the number of weeks I can put up with her is down to two now. You’ve got until week four to do something fresh Allison!
Judges Say: You can sing the alphabet, and it’d sound good, but exactly the same.
I Say: Like I said, I think she’s really good, I just…It’s grating on me.
Change: +2
Score: +3

Kris Allen
Singing: “To Make You Feel My Love” by Bob Dylan
Randy Travis Says: How boring are you, sir?
Performance: Randy says that “He didn’t copy Garth’s Record” which is pretty true, it’s closer to Billy Joel’s version. Was I not supposed to know that? Oh well. He’s at least switched up his fakey Jack Johnson persona and come up with something…less good, but he’s trying. That’s the important thing.
Judges Say: You might make it far in this competition.
I Say: Err…No he won’t. But, it wasn’t awful, just not very good.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +/- 0

Lil Rounds
Singing: “Independence Day” by Martina McBride
Randy Travis Says: She can sure sing real loud.
Performance: She’s clearly way out of her element. Her voice is decent, of course, but the performance is really stale and boring. I’m kind of in the Simon camp where she should’ve just picked an RnB song that some country artist wrote and said “Fuck genre weeks” like every other genre artist does on this show. Hell, David Cook did it for a whole season last year and won! Simon steals the day by imagining that “Lil Rounds” is her rap pseudonym and calling her “Little” for her whole review.
Judges Say: Uh, way to respect the genre weeks, Lil.
I Say: She’s clearly going to be in a ton of trouble if she doesn’t start ignoring the themes.
Change: -1
Score: +1

Adam Lambert
Singing: “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash
Randy Travis Says: Fuck this shit.
Performance: Ok, this was just a hot mess. To start, he’s dressed like he’s about to welcome us to the Thunderdome. I mean, hell, I think Tina might have rejected this outfit. Secondly, he’s singing “Ring of Fire” like it was a theme to a really horrible Roger Moore-era Bond film. What with the sitar and the flames shooting up behind him. And then there’s the stage prancing. This is like…The title track to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Cash.” It makes me long for the days of Jason Castro singing “Memories.”
Judges Say: Holy shit, when we said “Be like David Cook” we didn’t mean fuck up a song like this.
I Say: My favorite performance of his to date. This is not a good thing.
Change: -3
Score: -1

Scott MacIntyre
Singing: “Wild Angels” by Martina McBride
Randy Travis Says: A guy that sings like a girl after a guy that looks like a girl. I hate this show.
Performance: Scott is everything David Archuletta wishes he was, because Scott’s a much better performer than David, and way more earnest. Paula asks him not to hide behind a piano, not quite grasping that that would force us to stare into the void of Scott MacIntyre’s blank ass stare for two uncomfortable minutes. Simon gets it, but starts making a point using hand gestures, which Scott can’t see, and Paula gets offended enough for the both of us. Scott bitches that the AI song book doesn’t have nearly enough Up with People, and I’m totally done with this segment.
Judges Say: Here, watch what I’m doing with my hand….
I Say: I’m bored to death of the Up with People crap, but he’s a fine singer.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +2

Alexis Grace
Singing: “Jolene” by Dolly Parton
Randy Travis Says: Finally, a song choice and performance that actually matches the artist.
Performance: Here’s the thing about me and “Jolene,” I think time has been very kind to Brooke White’s version last year, especially the studio cut of that track, and Alexis doesn’t have nearly the gravitas to pull off the vulnerable/powerful dichotomy the song presents. That said, she’s a good enough singer to plod through it, and still very, very attractive. I’m not sure what she’s going to do to bring the “duuuuurty” out next week, unless it’s Christina Aguilera week and she performs in a French Maid costume.
Judges Say: A fine, but forgettable, performance.
I Say: Brooke‘s cover was miles better, but I think this was passable.
Change: +1
Score: +2

Danny Gokey
Singing: “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood
Randy Travis Says: This nerd can’t remember any of the words to this song.
Performance: Yeah, his video package is just a hilarious montage of screw ups, but sadly, he remembers all the words during the performance. It’s kind of the standard boring Gokey performance though. He and Scott are battling it out on who can be more inspirational. There’s not even an Idol Gives Back show this year, guys! Sadly, Danny misses the opportunity to change the lyrics to indicate that it’s actually his dead wife that he’s giving the wheel to.
Judges Say: Ok performance, but I’m not sure what’s up with the arctic climbing gear you’re wearing.
I Say: He just couldn’t go two weeks without singing about his dead wife. Damn.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +1

Anoop Desai
Singing: “Always on My Mind” by Brenda Lee
Randy Travis Says: He’s no Willie Nelson, but it was pretty damn good.
Performance: Anoop’s from the south, so this should be in the bag for him. All Indian kids grow up wanting to be country singers. Seriously, though, this is straight and pretty mellow. I’m actually kind of digging it. Randy Travis really savors the word “Anoop.” I probably wouldn’t have picked the glow in the dark hoodie for this though.
Judges Say: Anoop-dawg is back in the house! Singing boring ballads!
I Say: Pretty damn good, not enough to make up for last week, but it was nice.
Change: +1
Score: -2

Megan Joy “Corkery“
Singing: “Walkin‘ After Midnight” by Patsy Cline
Randy Travis Says: I hate this song, but she sang it so weird, it was kind of good.
Performance: She’s lost the “Corkery” in the chyron actually. Take that, ex-husband! She’s also dressed like she’s going to her very first band recital. Simon hates that she’s not dressing like a Harajuku girl any more. You know what? This is kind of fantastic. What a weird change from “Rockin’ Robbin.” She has that…Colby Calliat sound about her, where every line has about fifteen key changes in it, which is what I think the judges were hoping for when they picked her. And she falls into a mess of the flu as soon as she’s done singing. Wow. Well played.
Judges Say: So much better than last week, we wish you would almost die every week.
I Say: Not the crazy train that I was hoping for, but if she stays on like this, she might have a future.
Change: +2
Score: -1

Matt Giraud
Singing: “So Small” by Carrie Underwood
Randy Travis Says: How many ways can I say, “I hate that, but you sound fine?”
Performance: Ah, fulfilling our “Two Carrie Underwood references per show” quota is Matt Giraud. He’s doing a straight Billy Joel cover of the song, which makes two weeks in a row he and Kris Allen are the exact same person. No funky hat this week, but he is doing the Dave Matthews eyes and he has the “half tied tie” going. Uh…It was ok. Nothing spectacular, but he really is like a more grown up version of Kris Allen.
Judges Say: You’re like Michael Buble when he was still a creepy lounge lizard, instead of a creepy lounge lizard with a mansion.
I Say: See, now this is how you ride defying the theme into smooth mediocrity.
Change: +1
Score: +2

My Bottom Two:

Michael and Kris

By all rights, Adam should be down here for that Sanjaya level performance, but he clearly won’t be. This was Michael’s week and he didn’t capitalize on it the way he could/should have. Kris is clearly going to be my Sayesha this year, where I’m going to be so sure she gets voted out, until she’s in the top five for no reason whatsoever. It’s crazy though that I only really hate 1 ½ of the contestants this year.

Going Home: Michael Sarver

SPECIAL DRINKING GAME ALERT:

Take a drink every time Simon gives a contestant the finger while he’s scratching his head. Then, try to figure out some grand conspiracy theory on who he wants to win based on who he’s giving the finger to!

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