Archive for April 2009

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Shadowmoon Valley, The Moon Doesn’t Really Cast a Shadow…as Such….

Places of Interest

The Black Temple
Wildhammer Stronghold
Shadowmoon Village
Altar of the Sha’tar
Sanctum of the Stars

The last official zone in Outlands is the one that you’re least likely to visit. Even before Wrath of the Lich King hit stores, it was pretty easy to skip doing any quests in Shadowmoon. It is certainly one of the most storied and interesting locations in the WoW Universe, with Illidan and The Black Temple looming over the eastern half of the zone, but there’s just not enough there to spurn players to visit it instead of Northrend, anymore.

There are, of course, a few things to check out here if you’re so inclined. There are Aldor/Scryer outposts, which are two of the only minor faction flight paths/quest hubs in the game. At the Alliance/Horde towns are the first Flight trainers in the game. Also, for those chasing achievements, there is the Black Temple instance, which is now much easier to get through.

Mining: Fel Iron, Adamantite, Khorium, Eternium. It’s not really worth visiting just to gather mats, but you can find the standard grab bag of metals to mine here.

Herbalism: Dreaming Glory, Nightmare Vine, Mana Thistle, Terocone, Felweed. The herbs aren’t as plentiful here as they are in some other zones, but you can still build up a nice cache of them if you’re out on the run. It’s the only place to pick up Nightmare Vine, so if you’re trying to fill the quota for some obscure potions, there you go.

Cloth: Netherweave. Just like every other zone, you’ll be up to your damn ears in Netherweave if you try to gather it in Shadowmoon. You won’t need most of it, but it’s there if you want to horde it.

Leather: Knothide Leather, Fel Scales, Crystal Infused Leather. The leather levels of Burning Crusade kind of topped out in Netherstorm. But there’s still leather here if you’re already in the area. But you can’t get anything new, so it’s more of a pain to kill beats here than in other zones.

Shadowmoon is a zone that was destined for obsolescence. It’s end game content for something that is no longer at the end of the game. You’ll still have to visit there to train up your flight skill or to get a couple of achievements, but overall there’s nothing there for the average player any more. An unfortunate, but natural occurrence in the WoW universe.

American Idol: Season 8, Top 5

Standards night? Ugh. Adam looks diseased here. Do you suppose that’s a possibility? Only five are left! Who will be the next…Survivor? I mean this is…the Amazing Race! Er…American Idol! The judges are introduced to some sort of jazzy number. Ricky Minor is classing up this joint tonight. OH! Maybe Adam has swine flu! This week’s mentor? Jamie Foxx. Really? Huh. Kris helpfully voiceovers that Jamie Foxx is “not dead” like the Rat Pack. Thanks, man.

Kris Allen
Singing: “The Way You Look Tonight” by The Lettermen
Jamie Foxx Says: He’s my man, I want to do a record with him.
Performance: Pornstache! Kris is lookin’ sleezy, which is pretty perfect for this particular night. He’s not drunk enough to pull it off perfectly though. Michael Buble is really the only one these days that can pull off that drunk Rat Pack thing now. This was actually pretty fantastic. When the hell did this guy get better than anybody else on the show? Ridiculous.
Judges Say: You’re good but wet.
I Say: I actually really enjoyed this, which is really strange.
Change: +2
Score: +7

Allison Iraheta
Singing: “Someone to Watch Over Me” by George Gershwin
Jamie Foxx Says: Are you sure she’s 16? Aw dammit. Never mind then.
Performance: Her hair, makeup and dress are pretty awful tonight. Not that they’re not…always…but we’re trying to class this joint up tonight, Iraheta! Her voice crackles and weird phrasings are super evident in this kind of song. The show may have inadvertently sunk her, because she sounds awful here. Normally I’d just make a comment about how I’m tired I am of her stylings, but…this is just…egh.
Judges Say: We think it was great, but we don’t think you could win this anymore.
I Say: I wasn’t a big fan tonight, it was uncomfortable.
Change: -1
Score: +5

Matt Giraud
Singing: “My Funny Valentine” by Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart
Jamie Foxx Says: I forgot that I was on this show for a minute.
Performance: His phrasing is weirder than Alison’s, but he at least has the redeeming properties of the HAT. That’s the perfect hat for standards night. Gosh that’s some awful phrasing. Where’d this guy learn to sing? He can’t help but riff where Jamie told him not to riff. Matt Giraud knows better than Jamie Foxx! It’s not about the riff’s, it’s about the hat!
Judges Say: Half of us hated the performance, half of us loved it, but everybody loves the hat.
I Say: Not as ridiculous as last week, but still plenty ridiculous. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it either.
Change: +/-0
Score: +4

Danny Gokey
Singing: “Come Rain or Come Shine” by Harold Arlen and Johnny Mercer
Jamie Foxx Says: I want to get all up in this guy’s grill.
Performance: Dead wife alert! He’s going to love her like nobody’s loved her!
Judges Say: That was kind of a weird performance, but the vocals were great. He doesn’t look like Jamie Foxx is all up in his grill. Technically this is fine, but I still like Katherine McPhee’s performance better. Ok, fine, I just liked hers better because she was hot. This is probably a better performance. Very jazzy very…Vegas. Girl wearing draperies loves it!
The Judges Say: We really want to feel your swag.
I Say: His best performance of the season so far. Up in his grill!
Change: +2
Score: +6

Adam Lambert
Singing: “Feeling Good” by Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse
Jamie Foxx says: You don’t care who I am.
Performance: Like…A weird Queen cover band covering this song instead of Queen. I love this song by the way, so this kind of hurts seeing this. I like his suit anyway. This is probably one of the most “musical” standards though, which is totally why he picked it. Holy shit super long high note. Damn. Now he’s standing there looking like a damn robot. I really cannot believe this is going to win this year.
Judges Say: We love how weird, theatrical, and sleezy you are.
I Say: I’m still over this drama queen’s shit, but whatever.
Change: +1
Score: +/-0

My Bottom Two:

Matt and Allison

I don’t think anything Matt could’ve done would’ve saved him tonight. As much as you can tell this was probably his favorite theme week, he was going to be the odd man out. Allison may be the only girl left, but she’s really fallen off the table in the last few weeks, as her singing style can’t keep up with the Dannys, Krises, and Adams of the competition. She’s gotten overwhelmed. And given how awful her phrasing and pacing was tonight, I don’t think even Matt’s malaise can save her. I think Allison is out.

YouTube Monday: Draft Dodging

ESPN’s draft coverage this year was not good. They didn’t do a good job analyzing picks, they ignored most of the later rounds, and they ruined all of the suspense by showing who was getting drafted before the commissioner had a chance to make the call.

One humorous thing they did do was hook up former Texas Wide Receiver Quan Cosby, predicted to be a later round draft pick, with reporter Erin Andrews and comedian Bill Cosby (no relation). It was a cute idea at first, with Bill pretending to fall asleep and offering Quan advice like, “There’s always Canadian Football.

But things got a little uncomfortable as the draft wore on and Cosby wasn’t drafted. In fact, he wasn’t drafted, even with the Mr. Irrelevant pick.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for April 19th -25th, 2009

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Get the Swine Flu! It’s the Thing to Do! What’s the hottest new disease that’s sweeping the land? Swine Flu! It’s like the bird flu, but with pigs, which is so much cooler. And people are actually dying from this one which is…sad, really.

2. The NFL Draft! The excitement is palpable. What horrible decision will your team make that will cripple them for the next ten years? If you’re the Detroit Lions, it’s the drafting of Matthew Stafford, a young, smart quarterback with a good arm and nobody to protect him as his head is driven into the ground every play.

3. Potential World of Warcraft iPhone App Unveiled. Thousands have tried to translate the WoW client to run on a mobile device, but none has been as successful as Volee’s latest attempt. Now, will it actually work? Who the hell knows, but I can’t help but be interested in doing my dailies wherever I happen to be.

4. You Know How You Save a TV Show? Like any good TV watching nerd, I love the show Chuck. But their idea on how to save the show from its inevitable cancellation is…odd. At best. They’re encouraging all their viewers to go to Subway (the show’s top sponsor) and buy sandwiches tonight for the show’s s(eries)eason finale. Because you know what would save a TV show? Marketing!

5. Bioshock Pic Sunk. Universal Studios and Pirates of the Caribbean director Gore Verbinski decided this week not ot go ahead with their planned film based on the hit game Bioshock. Apparently, the budget on the movie had gotten wildly out of control. Also, they couldn’t convince anybody to become a genetically modified monster for the filming of the movie.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Netherstorm – Oddly Enough, It Nether Storms There

Places of Interest

Area 52
The Storm Spire
Eco-Domes
Tempest Keep

The Netherstorm is a zone that many players in today’s Wrath of the Lich King WoW may never see. It’s a zone built for players levels 68-69, a time when many of them will be trekking across the Borean Tundra of up the Howling Fjords. However, skipping Netherstorm would be a mistake, because it’s one of the most diverse, interesting and lovely zones in the entire game.

Netherstorm is a collection of floating islands in the middle of the Twisting Nether and sort of the culmination of the Blood Elves’ storylines in Outlands. There are two large scale neutral cities, The Stormspire, an ethereal outpost covered by a large shield, and Area 52, a Goblin outpost with all the amenities of a standard Goblin city. Additionally, there is a four wing Instance, Tempest Keep, which you have to fly or be summoned to enter.

Mining: Fel Iron, Adamantite, Khorium, Eternium. The usual stuff. There’s pretty high concetrations of Adamanatite here if you need some, but the zone is crawling with mobs around the nodes, so just be wary that you’ll probably have to fight for your mats.

Herbalism: Dreaming Glory, Mana Thistle, Netherbloom, Felweed. There aren’t huge numbers of herbs here, but it’s a good place to grab some Mana Thistle, and the only place in the game where you can get Netherbloom. It’s not terribly useful, but you should grab it if you see it.

Cloth: Netherweave. Tons of humanoid mobs all over the place, so you can get a significant amount of Netherweave all throughout the zone. By this time you sure as hell won’t need it, but it’s there if you want it, so have at it.

Leather: Knothide Leather, Fel Scales, Crystal Infused Leather. There are plenty of things to skin here as well, with Crystal Infused Leather to grab for a few of the more grand crafted items. Of course, those are level 70 items for which there isn’t really a market anymore, but you have to level your skinning/leatherworking somehow.

There’s a special place in my heart for Netherstorm. While Wrath of the Lich King has made the zone pretty much obsolete, it’s still a beautiful zone that’s a lot of fun and wraps up many of the loose storyline threads introduced during the Burning Crusade launch. Most people probably won’t enjoy it as much as I did, but it’s worth a visit if you have the time.

RAW Satire for 4/20/09

Last Week: Triple H won the right to have his 452nd match against Randy Orton. Also, there was a draft of some sort, and RAW lost a lot of top superstars…like…uh…No. They really didn’t. Oh! Wait! Kane! We lost Kane! How will I deal with that…TONIGHT?!



Oh Crap. England.

(Opening Credits)

Chrius Jeuricho is out, and it’s really nice to see we’re ignoring the Draft already. What’d that last? A week? Pretty awesome. Sorry. Chrius?

Chrius Jeuricho: Yes, yes. I know. I was drafted to Smackdown, and don’t get me wrong, the WWE Draft is serious business! So this is my last night on RAW! The final one! Until, of course, out of storyline necessity, reunion episode, special event, concert, Bar Mitzvah, or just for no real reason, I show up here again. In…we’ll give it three weeks or so. Anyway, I’m really sorry I couldn’t save RAW, you guys. I don’t know what happened. Oh yeah. It’s beyond saving. I forgot. Anyway, at least I’m staying off the same show as Triuple H! Laters.

Riucky “Thou Dragoun” Steaumboat: Chrius, I’m going to show you why I was voted “Worst Promo in the World” 25 years running! Uh…I…? WWE Universe? Or Solar System maybe? I’m not real sure on the terminology of today’s business, you see.

Jeuricho: Well, Ricky, I guess it was a real pleasure to work with you, if only so that it will be that much more ironic when you come out and save me next time I’m a face involved in a pull-apart brawl or the victim of a sneak attack. It was also worth it to get rid of all those Legends, most of whom we won’t hear from for years! Except, of course, Miuckey Rouurke, who’s basically had Access Hollywood hostage for the past three months like some kind of Somali pirate.

Steaumboat: Chris, do you always take wrestling this seriously?

Jeuricho: Always.

What do you suppose they call APPLE DOUGH in England? Ye Olde Tarte? A Bit o’ Swish? Bubbles and Squeak?

Jouhn Ceuna: Hey, guys! What’s going on out here? Having a segment? Cool! I was just backstage having a bit o’ the swish and thought I’d come out here and have a segment, but here you are too! What a coincidence.

Steaumboat: Jouhn, don’t ruin this for me! I was just getting into my promo groove!

Ceuna: Aw snap! Sorry whoever you are! Asian Eriuc Bischouff? Oh no! Was Chrius going to cry and beg you to stay on RAW! I’m sorry I interrupted that! Please, continue.

Jeuricho: I challenge you to a match at Backlash.

Steaumboat: I accept.

Cena: Oh boy! Matches! I love matches! And since Viuckie Guuerrero can’t get into England because of “Visa Issues,” I get to be the GM of RAW Tonight! And I’m challenging Chrius Jeuricho to a match! Isn’t that awesome?

Jeuricho: Jouhn-

Cena: LAST WORD!

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Chauvo Guuerrero vs. “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”

Chavo does everything he can to endear himself to me by getting on the mic and insisting that he is still a wrestler dammit, not just a tertiary character in the Viuckie/Eudge/Biug Shouw feud. Then Bautista runs out and hits the OSPREY BOMB TO CHAUVO~! for the win. Chauvo gets back on the mic and asks Dauve why he didn’t let him get in a dropkick or something, and Dauve responds with another OSPREY BOMB TO CHAUVO~! Geez. Dauve is kind of a huge asshole. Knock it off, dude.

(ads)

Backstage, Duave is dripping sweat and oil all over Shane McMahon. Gross! Come on, Bautista!

Shane McMahoun: Ok, this is kind of uncomfortable. I just wanted to come in here and make sure we’re cool for Sunday. Even though I speared you and you slapped me and whatnot last week.

“Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”: I am not COOL! I am SWEATING!

Shane: Yeah. What’s the deal with that, Dauve? You didn’t even wrestle for ten seconds out there and you’re sweating like a pig!

Bautista: It is a glandular CONDITION! I cannot help IT!

Shaune: Ok, whatever. Gross, but whatever. Listen, can I trust you to have my back at Backlash?

Bautista: I need a HUG!

Shaune: Ok, no. I’m just going to walk the other way now.

CM Puunk vs. Kaune



No! Don’t go, Kaune! I’m sorry I implied that RAW had had just about the right amount of you! It wasn’t nearly enough, and I’m sorry! Lauwler and Coule speculate as to the relative uselessness of Smackdown drafting Puunk when he can show up whatever brand he wants whenever he wants. I kind of miss Mautt Striuker, you guys. Actually, now that I think about it, this is a Smackdown match and I don’t have to recap it. Sorry.

(ads)

Sauntino Maurella is out and he has a mic. Everybody down!


Sauntino Maurella: Unfortunately, my-a lovely sister-a Sauntina could not-a be here tonight-a because she’s-a at home-a hiding from Ye Greate-a Khauli! But thankfully-a, we have-a her live from-a Italy on the TitanTron-a! Sauntina?

Sauntina Marella: Hello-a! This is not-a pretaped broadcasting-a of me-a! I have-a the herpes, so I can’t-a make out with Khauli-a! But I hear-a Aube Ortoun-a might be available-a to lick his massive-a jaw!

They then engage in about twenty minutes of what I can honestly say is the most believable wrestler/TitanTron interaction in about twenty years. Usually these pretaped things go all to hell but Sauntino’s a pro.

Beuth Phoeunix: OBJECTION!

Sauntino: Beuth! Where’s-a your wig-a? The court-a system is different-a here in England-a!

Beuth: Just…shut up. Look, apparently your stupid “Fake Sister” angle has more legs than the Beulla Twiuns, so you’re going to drag that act on to Backlash, where hopefully your sister’s case of…the herpes…has fallen by the wayside.

Sauntino: This-a is why-a I broke up with you-a! You’re always-a interrupting my wrestling-a segments with-a your stupid-a fantasy booking-a ideas! And you-a kept trying-a to pluck my unibrow-a! It’s the source-a of all my powers-a!

Beuth: I was going to sew a UniQuilt!

(ads)

Beuth Phoenix (w/ Rousa Meundez) vs. Meulina


For the WWE Women’s Title

Here it is! The last chance for the show with all the women’s wrestlers to get the women’s wrestling title! If I cared more, I’d be on the edge of my seat for this one. Honestly, do you think any of the RAW girls want the butterfly belt? I thought Tauker and Micheulle McCooul spent all night bedazzling that cardboard for her to wear. Now she’s got to go after that crappy Women’s Title. Coule blathers on about how Meulina and Beuth used to be great friends. Um…Did Meulina introduce every heel Diva on the roster? In that way, I guess she really is the Dominate Diva. Melina wins with a role-up. Noooo…I’m stuck with the valet title!

Backstage…

Shaune McMahoun: Yo yo yo yo yo! Huunter! My main man! My dawg! My ace in the hole! H…Are you sweating! You haven’t even had a match yet! What the hell are you sweating all over the place for?

Triuple H: It’s glandular. I can’t help it.

Shaune: Do you even know what that means?

HHH: I’m going to be honest with you, Shaune. What do you want?

Shaune: Don’t kill yourself tonight. You’re pretty much the only halfway decent wrestler on our team at Backlash.

HHH: I’m planning on on jobbing to Coudy Rhoudes. I really don’t care if I retain the title in this stupid match. I cannot believe we stole an idea from TNA! And their worst one pretty much! UGH!

Shaune: You’re can’t be serious!

HHH: Ha! Yeah. I’m not serious. I’m going to beat the hell out of those dorks. Anybody who tells you that Wrestling is serious is an idiot.

Chrius Jeuricho: AAAAAAARGH! I can’t wait to leave this stupid show.

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Jouhn Ceuna vs. Chrius Jeuricho

The UK crowd, which hated Jericho in the opening segment wastes absolutely no time crapping all over Jouhn Ceuna. Ceuna is like the Geourge Buush of American Wrestling. Except they all bite on the “You Can’t See Me” taunt, so that pretty much destroys any hope I had for the British audience. Ceuna goes for the Attitude Adjuster, which is patently ridiculous at this point in the match, but whatever. So Jeruicho hits a DDT and kicks Ceuna in the head. Start taking this match more seriously, Jouhn! It’s the last one you have to before he’s gone!

(ads)

They’re trading finishers out of the break, so I give up. I don’t even think Jeuricho is taking this seriously anymore. I think what Huunter said really hurt him. Chrius Jeuricho’s spirit has been broken. Ceuna with another Attitude Adjuster try, but Jeuricho flips out of it into a Codebreaker. But Chrius is too busy pouting to make the cover. Ceuna finally says “To hell with it” and goes for an AA off the top rope, but Eudge shows up out of the crowd and pushes them both off the top. Well, that’s a DQ. Eudge grabs a couple chairs, hits Cena with a Conchairto and demonstrates how to count to ten. I think they stole this angle from Sesame Street. I’m pretty sure this is exactly how Yon Couunt took down Mr. Hoouper.

(ads)

Reuy Mysteurio vs. Doth Biug Shouw



Coule and Lauwler spend the first half of the match enumerating the ways that the Conchairto will hinder Ceuna’s chances at Backlash, proving once and for all that neither of them have ever seen a Jouhn Ceuna angle. I’m more pissed that Puunk didn’t run out and steal the title than anything. He would’ve been a national hero in England! Poor Reuy has a lot of trouble finding kids in the audience to head butt on his way to the ring. The Brits just don’t understand Lucha Libre! Reuy tries all his speed stuff, but Shouw is not having it. He’s having a career year! You can’t stop him! He catches a 619 attempt and just punches Reuy in the face for the win. Well…That’d do it.

(ads)

Backstage….

Coudy Rhoudes: What a wasted trip! I haven’t seen Aumy Whinehouuse puking on the streets or Liuly Alleun flashing people anywhere! All I’ve seen is Britiush Dwiught eating a Cornish game hen.

Teud DiBiause: Gaureth.

Coudy: Huh?

Teud: His name is Gaureth. The British Office was way superior to the American one, Coudy. You should know these things.

Coudy: What are you talking about?! It’s not even close! Look, who would you rather sleep with Dauwn or Paum?

Teud: Can I hedge my bets and say the new receptionist?

Coudy: Hell yeah, dude.

Raundy Ortoun: It is I! Raunky Q. Mourgon, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the UUUUE Girl’s Chocolatechip! What are my fallow Lemony members talking about?

Teud: Whether we like the British Office or the American Office better.

Raundy: You guys are nuts! Fourthly, they’re called “Locker Tombs.” Secondly, they’re pretty mulch the same no matter what county you’re in. I’m out of here!

Coudy: So you know we’re going to lose Sunday, right?

Teud: Yep.

(ads)

Triuple H vs. Raundy Ortoun


In a No Disqualification Match

Now the announcers are plugging Wrestlemania Retmatch(!) every five seconds. Do you think they got the memo that nobody buys that Huunter is pissed that he didn’t get his revenge (when he already did)? Eh. Probably not. It takes them all of five seconds to roll out of the ring and start throwing each other at the announce table. Raundy gets hold of a Trash can and drills Hunter. I still don’t buy this as a fight between two alpha males gunning for the fertile womb of Steuphanie McMahoun-Heulmsley, but whatever. There’s not even any blood.

(ads)

I’ve got nothing. Ortoun tries to make things interesting with a DDT to the outside onto the steps, but Huunter counters that, so I’m going to take about something else. Has anybody seen that show Krod Mandoon? That show is fantastic. I hope BBC renews it and Comedy Central picks it up again, because I will pretty much cry if they don’t. See? That’s on the BBC, so it’s tangentially related to this match. Shut up. It’s late, I’m tired, and absolutely nothing is happening. Oh wait, The Lemony mill out to ringside, but before they can get involved, Bautista and Shaune-O-Mac intercept them. While Hunter is admiring the chaos he’s created, he trips on the garbage can and falls over. Ortoun wins! RAUNDY ORTOUN IS GOING TO BACKLASH!!~!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: A weird chain of events somehow leads to Cody Rhodes walking out of the TNA Tag Mach the new WWE Spinnin’ Champion. Also, Edge wins the World Title to ensure that both shows have at least one belt, because that’s totally how it has to happen you guys. Oh, and Kane. Probably. L

American Idol Top Seven (Again)

So Matt got a reprieve last week, which was weird. I think they just wanted to get rid of it. Is Susan Boyle eligible to win this thing? Because I’d rather her than Adam. What the fuck? Disco week? I hate this already. What is this, you ask? This…Is American Idol!

Lil Rounds
Singing: “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan
Performance: You know how you win over the judges? Choose one of Randy Jackson’s “Top 100 Artists You Cannot Cover” and come out signing flat. Couldn’t she have bedazzled her shirt or wore bell bottoms or something this week? It’s Disco! Paula tries to jump to her defense…sort of…by saying Lil was really sick this week, but then Lil gets her bitch face on again and everybody’s finished with this.
Judges Say: Can we finally get rid of you now?
I Say: It wasn’t a complete disaster, but it’s over.
Change: -1
Score: -3

Kris Allen
Singing: “She Works Hard for the Money” by Donna Summer
Performance: This is…not disco. This is the Street Busker version of this song. I’ll give him a million dollars if he works “And McDonalds Treats You Right” in here. I could totally hear this on one of my sister’s mid-80s mix tapes. Ryan Seacrest is having way too much fun making fun of Kris Allen. I will say this is the first performance of his that I’ll actually ever remember.
Judges Say: We like you, even though you like women’s underwear.
I Say: I didn’t care for it as much as the judges, but it was still pretty damn solid.
Change: +1
Score: +5

Danny Gokey
Singing: “September” by Earth, Wind, and Fire
Performance: Danny is actually one of the few people here who could have actually been a popular disco artist. It fits his voice so well it’s kind of scary. Is this actually a fairly upbeat song? Especially for him? Wow! No dead wives or anything! His sisters approve! So do I actually. He’s not contemporary at all, but he really nailed the theme this week.
Judges Say: That was kind of a weird performance, but the vocals were great.
I Say: Finally! A fairly interesting song choice for him! And it worked! But…eh….
Change: +1
Score: +4

Allison Iraheta
Singing: “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer
Performance: You *know* she’s coming out in full disco regalia, if for no other reason than because it’s not any different than what she usually wears. It’s…kind of awkward seeing her trying to slink around the stage and be sexy. That’s not really working. The background singers are kind of overpowering her here. It’s not that…it wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t very good either. I like that she tried to do something a little different, but it was just kind of weird.
Judges Say: We still want you in the finals, but it wasn’t your night.
I Say: Her worst is still better than Lil’s best, so she’s got that going for her.
Change: +/-0
Score: +6

Adam Lambert
Singing: “If I Can’t Have You” by The BeeGees
Performance: Not “Dancing Queen?” Come on, dude, this was the week! I’m digging that horrible faxback. And the ugly pinky ring. The vocals are all over the place, going from fairly decent to pretty good, actually, to What the fuck? Paula is ensorcled, she is literally shaking. Maybe that‘s the DTs. I kind of hated this. If there was any week for Adam Lambert’s shit, this was it, but it was just boring.
Judges Say: We all want to hump you, super hardcore.
I Say: I was expecting Adam Lambert’s shit, but this was just kind of shitty.
Change: +/- 0
Score: -1

Matt Giraud
Singing: “Stayin’ Alive” by The Bee Gees
Performance: Fantastic hat? Check. Completely wrong song choice? Check. White boy disco dancing? CHECK! If this is Matt’s last week on the show, this is the way to go out. Line dancing with the backup singers! This is epic. I’m so proud of him, I could almost cry. Way to go out on a high note lil’ John Mayer. Was it crappy? Yes. Was it crappy in the best way ever? Hell Yes.
Judges Say: That was super desperate, but fair enough.
I Say: Soooo wrong, but soooo right. I loved it.
Change: +1
Score: +4

Anoop Desai
Singing: “Dim All The Lights” by Donna Summer
Performance: Electronica! Pink suit! Pornstache! You cannot handle Anoop! They picked the best two train wrecks to end this show on. Fantastic. This isn’t that great a song, but Anoop is killing this. Green shoes! Fuck! Anoop is more awesome than Matt Giraud. We don’t deserve this. It was actually a pretty good performance, too.
Judges Say: Everybody kind of dug this except Simon, who is over it.
I Say: I was blinded by the pink suit and the pornstache, sorry…what?
Change: +1
Score: +1

My Bottom Three:

Anoop, Matt and Lil

Matt and Lil were already on the chopping block and did absolutely nothing to help their chances in this competition. Lil had a second chance to really showcase her particular vocal talents, and could not do it. Matt came off as pandering and desperate (in the best way, but still). Anoop was decent, but he’s clearly a weak link on this particular totem pole. Still, I think it’s going to be Matt and Lil who go home, because they’ve shown absolutely no growth from “bad to mediocre” these last few weeks.

YouTube Monday: Live from Her Mom’s House….

I talked about it in the Weekend Top Five, so I suppose I should link to it too. Though with almost seven million video views, chances are you’ve probably already seen it.

But Susan Boyle’s performance on “Brittain’s Got Talent” probably bears repeating, if for no other reason than so you can take stock in how much better at something she is than you.

Sorry, it’s a depressing Monday.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for April 12th – 19th, 2009

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World.

1. The Pirate Bay Is…Still There, Actually. While the founders of torrent site The Pirate Bay have been sentanced to a year in prison, the site is still up and running and, in fact, their blog is rather defiant. Nobody believes this will have any actual effect on Peer-To-Peer, so I don’t really know what’s going on here.

2. There’s a Dog in the White House. I’m not just talking about Barrack Obama, who is my dawg. Bo, a Portuguese water dog was welcomed into the White House this week. The pup was a gift of Senator Edward Kennedy, and has resulted in a huge increase in popularity of the fluffy dogs throughout the world. Bo knows how to be a trendsetter.

3. Homely Scottish Lady Becomes Internet Sensation. Susan Boyle is a large, homely looking woman who appeared on “Britain’s Got Talent” this week. And she’s a pretty a goddamn amazing singer. She shocked the hell out Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, and that other one. British Paula. She’s all over TV and YouTube now, and it just goes to show, anybody can be awesome, even ugly people.

4. The NFL Wants to Stream the Superbowl Online. In order to reach the five people who currently do not watch the Superbowl, CBS and the NFL are considering allowing CBS.com to simulcast the Superbowl this season. This is expected to provide a huge boon to the growing number of people who hate TV.

5. FallOut Movie Planned. Bethesda Software trademarked the name “Fallout” for movies and TV products, and is currently shopping around the series to studios. Personally, I can’t wait for Uwe Boll’s Fall Out, starring Gary Coleman as a man who crawls out of a ruined Vault into a Washington DC that has been ruined by nuclear war and Uwe Boll movies.

Hock Show NFL Mock Draft 2009

1. Detroit Lions


Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia

Pros: The Lions desperately need an identity, and while a defensive lineman or offensive tackle would probably be a better choice, Matt Stafford is exactly the kind of pick they need to make to show they’re serious about rebuilding this team. Stafford has a great arm, and more importantly, I think he’ll be able to weather the inevitable storm of being on a very poor Lions team as they build around him.

Cons: Like Jay Cutler (or Bret Favre before him), Stafford has way too much faith in his arm. Now that might not be such a bad thing with Calvin Johnson lining up at receiver, but that “Nobody’s open, so I’m going deep” mentality only gets you so far in the NFL, especially when you don’t have a defense that can save you.

Overall, I think Stafford isn’t really the pick the Lions should make, but it’s the one they *need* to make, if for no other reason than so they can begin to figure out their offense.

2. St. Louis Rams


Jason Smith, OT, Baylor

Pros: For a guy of his size, Smith has incredibly quick feet. He’s great on screens and lateral runs, and can match up very well one-on-one with a good defensive end or blitzing linebacker. Never gives up on a block.

Cons: His technique is mediocre, at best. In college he could rely on his physical ability to drive guys out of plays, but he’s not going to match up well against the Jared Allens or Julius Peppers of the NFL. It’s something a guy can learn, but his first 2-3 seasons are going to have a high learning curve.

The departure of Orlando Pace makes finding a LT the top priority for the Rams in this draft, and there’s a lot to like about Jason Smith. He’s a day one starter, for sure, but he’s going to have to do a lot of on the job training this season.

3. Kansas City Chiefs


Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forrest

Pros: Curry may be the most talented player in the draft, and the most ready to play NFL style defense coming out of college. He’s smart, a great tackler, and he’s the kind of guy you want playing the run in a blitz-heavy, 3-4 scheme, like the one that the Chiefs are getting ready to implement this year.

Cons: The biggest knock against Curry is that he’s not a good coverage guy. For whatever reason, he’s fine in pursuit, but he has trouble staying with TEs and backs in routes. That’s trouble playing San Diego, Oakland, and Denver, which all figure to use their backs and tight ends as receivers a lot this year.

The Chief’s linebacking corps is either extremely mediocre or, in the cases of Zach Thomas and Mike Vrable, ancient. Curry is the perfect addition to build a 3-4 pass rush around, so long as the other guys can protect him in the passing game.

4. Seattle Seahawks


Eugene Monroe, OT, Virginia

Pros: Monroe is a physical specimen, and has all the physical tools to succeed as a tackle in the NFL. He’s got big legs and great arms, which allow him to encompass and stand up big DEs. He’s also got good technique.

Cons: Put simply, he’s a bit slow. He doesn’t explode off the ball, and will sometimes be beat off the snap before he even pulls out of his stance. Occasionally he’ll try to overpower guys rather than use his technique to beat them, and a smart DE will be able to slide around him.

This is the first reach of the draft, but it’s an understandable one. Seattle has poured a ton of money into their offense, only to have their Matt Hasselbeck injured or on his back on far too many snaps. If they can motivate Monroe, he’ll be great, if not, he’ll be a bust.

5. Cleveland Browns


Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech

Pros: Fantastic hands, he’ll catch literally anything thrown in his general direction. Extraordinary vision and control, allowing him to make moves in any portion of the field. Great burst off the line of scrimmage, and at 6’2”, 200lbs he will not get pushed off the ball by a corner.

Cons: He has too much faith in his ability some times, which makes him a little lax in trying to shed coverage.

He might be a steal at number five, believe it or not. Michael Crabtree is a dynamic receiver who will instantly make Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson look a million times better than Braylon Edwards did last year. This is a must choose pick if Edwards is traded this week.

6. Cincinnati Bengals


Andre Smith, OT, Alabama

Pros: He’s a huge bruising lineman who can push most DEs around with ease. He may be the best pure run blocker in the draft. At 348 pounds, you might think he needs to cut back on his weight, but there’s a lot of muscle mass in there.

Cons: Smith doesn’t seem terribly interested in playing NFL football. He ran into legal trouble at Alabama, didn’t bother to show up for the Combine, and half-assed his Pro Day. At 348lbs, he’s…not the fastest guy on the field.

The Bengals also have a pressing need at running back, but they have zero starting tackles on their roster right now. Smith has all the makings of a bust, but legal trouble and immaturity has never scared the Bengals away from picking up a player.

7. Oakland Raiders


Brian Orakpo, DE, Texas

Pros: Orakpo’s an extraordinary athlete who can be an elite rusher from the edge. I think he has the skills to be a good DE or pass-rushing LB in a 3-4. He’s also a pretty good run defender in stacked sets, with pretty good lateral movement.

Cons: He missed a lot of time with a knee injury last year, which is a huge issue for a guy who plays as fast as Orakpo does. He doesn’t have the size to compete directly with NFL sized offensive tackles. He’s better in workouts than he was on the field at times.

Al Davis loves him some workout warriors, and Orakpo put up the kind of numbers Al likes to see. The difference between what Al usually gets is that Orakpo has the skills to be a difference maker on defense. If he can stay healthy, that is, which is a big if.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars


Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri

Pros: Great top-line speed, Maclin explodes off the line, and he can blow by most decent corners. Adds an extra level to Jacksonville’s punt and kick return games. Good jumper, he can pull some balls down in the end zone.

Cons: Missouri played a spread that didn’t really teach him anything about playing in the NFL. He’s a lot like Ted Ginn in that he’s a great, fast return guy, but he’s going to be major project at receiver, and he will never work as a slot/blocking guy.

Jacksonville is desperate for a game changing wide receiver. The Matt Jones experiment is looking at prison time, and the Troy Williamson trade was a bust. Maclin’s probably the biggest playmaker on the board, but like with Ginn a few years ago, it’s too high a spot to draft a career return guy who is going to take years to mold into anything resembling an NFL receiver.



9 Green Bay Packers


Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU

Pros: Good edge rushing ability, but he has the strength to engage defenders on the line. Great technique, so he can shed blocks easily playing the run. Surprisingly athletic for a guy hovering around 300lbs.

Cons: Has a bit of trouble keeping up with plays moving sideline to sideline. While he causes havoc in the backfield, he’s not going to be a sacks guy in the NFL.

Green Bay is going to have to completely overhaul their defensive line to suite their new 3-4 scheme. Jackson’s going to be the best 3-4 DE left on the board by the time they pick, and he’s got the physical tools to succeed in the role. It’s not a flashy pick, and he’s not going to be a stats guy, but he should be able to do what they need him to do.



10. San Fransisco 49ers


Mark Sanchez, QB, USC

Pros: The most accurate passer in the draft this year. Smart leader who consistently put USC in position to win games. Adapted better to USC’s pro-style offense than Matt Leinart or John David Booty, so probably closer to a Carson Palmer.

Cons: Does not have NFL-ready arm strength, which is an overrated stat, but he’s not going to be able to hit guys in double coverage downfield. Only one year as a college starter, and he seems to have a higher opinion of himself than his play really warranted.

Like Detroit, San Fransisco needs a public face to rebuild around, and California native Mark Sanchez seems like the perfect guy to do it. I’m not sold on Sanchez as an NFL guy. He looked great at USC last year, but we don’t really have much of a sample to draw from there. Unless he gets some serious help, I don’t think he’ll pan out any better than Alex Smith has.



11. Buffalo Bills


Michael Oher, OT, Mississippi

Pros: Probably the best pass protector in the draft. Has a fantastic understanding of hand work and body positioning to push quicker DEs out of their moves and out of the play. Plays quick and strong and shouldn’t have any trouble dealing with NFL calibur DEs.

Cons: Has a tendency to over think and over exert himself on plays, leading to him losing blitzers or committing stupid penalties. Not the best run blocker, because he sometimes never gets to that second level to engage LBs.

Having lost both their starting tackles to free agency and trade, Buffalo is going to be desperate for help there in the draft. While they can probably wait and still get a decent tackle with the 28th pick, a talent like Oher is going to be too hard to pass up. He’s got the ability to step in and start from Week One, which is exactly what they need.



12. Denver Broncos


B.J. Rahi, DT Boston College

Pros: Mountain of a man who eats up a lot of space at the line. Faster than you’d think, and he has the quickness and technique to shed blocks and move up field. Prototypical NFL-style nose tackle, who is capable of eating up multiple blockers every play.

Cons: His speed is all straight line, with pretty much no lateral movement. Once you get past him, he’s not going to make the play. Not particularly versatile, he’s a great people mover, but not much else.

If Denver is serious about making a 3-4 work, they need two things, one or two more solid linebackers and a true nose tackle. Raji would more than fill one of those needs. In a 3-4, all you really need your NT to do is push blockers around and swallow up as many as possible, which plays to Raji’s biggest strengths. Could be a steal this late.



13. Washington Redskins


Everette Brown, DE, Florida State

Pros: Fantastic explosion on the line, and shocking strength. A few plays a game he will just blow past a good offensive lineman. Very coachable, he doesn’t rely on his physical talents to succeed, but techniques and intelligence. Never gives up on a play, he has no problems making lateral pursuit.

Cons: As strong as he is, at 250lbs he’s never going to be a pure DE in the NFL. He’ll get mauled by larger, stronger linemen. He’s also never really shown any ability to cover, so transitioning him to linebacker automatically makes him a project instead of a sure starter.

The Redskins have Albert Haynesworth, but they need an elite rushing end to really make any impact with their line. Brown will be great in a Jason Taylor LB/DE hybrid role, where he’s not asked to cover too much, but he can shoot threw the gaps that Haynesworth will be creating without having to go one-on-one with an offensive lineman.



14. New Orleans Saints


Malcolm Jenkins, CB, Ohio State

Pros: Has elite-level speed which will allow him to keep up with most NFL receivers. Better than average in coverage, diagnoses most routes cleanly and efficiently. At 6’1”, he’s not going to be a pushover in jump ball situations. Can play Safety as well, if necessary.

Cons: Poor tackler, he makes an initial hit and never really wraps up, a problem when you have to face Steve Smith twice a year. While he’s usually great in man coverage, he didn’t play against too many complicated offensive schemes in the Big Ten.

The Saints defense was laughable at times last year, and while the temptation probably exists to pick up a linebacker or running back here, the secondary is the area that needs the most immediate help. The Saints desperately need somebody they can line up with Steve Smith, Roddy White, and Antonio Bryant this season. Jenkins may be in for some trial by fire, but if he’s still on the board it’s the smart decision for New Orleans.



15. Houston Texans


Rey Maualuga, LB, USC

Pros: Flies to the ball with reckless abandon, and will make the big hit. He’s also got pretty good tackling technique, so that doesn’t go to waste. Better than average at dropping back with tight ends and backs in pass coverage. Always seems to make plays around the ball.

Cons: Poor off-season showings make you wonder about what level he’ll play at in the NFL. Attitude problem may get the best of him, especially if he rubs Roger Goodell the wrong way. Wild play style makes for some major hits, but also some spectacular misses.

With holes all over the place, Houston is free to take the best player available and hope for the best. While most experts would probably agree that Maualuga dug himself a pretty expansive hole this offseason, the fact of the matter is the guy is a playmaker, and that’s exactly what Houston needs defensively.



16. San Diego Chargers


Chris Wells, RB, Ohio State

Pros: Faster than you’d think, and he plays quicker he looks. Strong enough to punch through the line and break tackles in the box. Great on short yardage. A fine blocker on pass plays. Has the conditioning and body type to be an every down back in the NFL.

Cons: Constantly injured in college, he hasn’t shown an ability to protect his body. Could use some work running pass patterns. Nickname is “Beanie.”

Wide receiver and linebacker are more pressing issues, but the LaDanian Tomlinson issue looms larger over the Chargers. Darren Sproles is a great rusher, but he’s not going to be capable of being an every down back. Knoshown Moreno is a better overall back than Benie Wells, but Wells is a better compliment to Sproles in the Chargers backfield.



17. New York Jets


Josh Freeman, QB, Kansas State

Pros: Big, NFL-sized arm. At 6’6” and 250lbs, he’s a hard target to bring down. Has command of the huddle and good leadership ability.

Cons: Not great at reading defenses, he’ll often throw the ball where he wants it to go regardless of whether or not that area is covered. Odd throwing mechanics need to be corrected or he’ll turn out like Kellen Clemmons. Doesn’t run, he lumbers.

Kellen Clemmons is clearly not the answer, and while the 2010 Draft is going to be saturated with great QB Candidates, the Jets are not a patient team. Freeman at 17 is a huge reach, and he’s a guy that’s basically going to have to learn to play QB from scratch, but if the Jets give him time and patience he may be the answer to their QB dilemma. Or he could be the second coming of (latter day) Dante Culpepper.



18. Denver Broncos


Brian Cushing, LB, USC

Pros: One of the most natural tacklers in this year‘s draft. Good size and top line speed. Disruptive along the line of scrimmage, with his ability to read and react to the ball carrier. Solid pass coverage.

Cons: Jack of all trades but a master of none. Except for tackling, he’s not elite at any part of the normal line backing game. Tends to wear down pretty fast, and would work better as part of a rotation than as a starter until his conditioning improves.

Remember earlier when I said that Denver needed a few good linebackers? This is where they start. Honestly, they could go with either Cushing or Clay Matthews here, but Cushing fits the defensive scheme better, I think. In Denver’s defense, he’ll be able to freelance a little more, which will save him some wear and tear on his body, as well as allow him to use his coverage and play reading skills to their best ability.



19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers


Percy Harvin, WR, Florida

Pros: Quick off the ball with blazing speed that will beat many defenders in their backpedal. Good hands. Once he has the ball, makes the most of it with impressive YAC. Compares favorably to Steve Smith.

Cons: Compares negatively to Steve Smith, also. Seems to have a chip on his shoulder, and has had some off the field trouble. At 5’11” he’s going to get lost in traffic and blown up by linebackers. Had some injury issues at Florida, in part due to how much damage his body receives taking hits.

Tampa is still going to be searching for their quarterback of the future, but in the meantime they need to find a WR to compliment last year’s stud Antonio Bryant. Bringing in Kellen Winslow was a great start, but Harvin gives them an over the top, deep threat that will keep defenses on their heels. Florida pedigree makes him an attractive local pick as well.



20. Detroit Lions


Hakeem Nicks, WR, North Carolina

Pros: Excellent route runner, he understands the NFL passing game better than any of the other top flight receivers. Fantastic hands, he makes catches that you would never expect him to pull off. Probably the best possession receiver in the draft.

Cons: Lacks a second gear, which means that he won’t make too many big plays. Strong and feisty, but putting your body on the line in the NFL like he does will just get you hurt. Is a little too confident in his playmaking ability and will occasionally serve one up to defenders while he’s bobbling a catch.

I know what you’re thinking, another Lion’s WR draft pick? Are you nuts?! But with all the top level offensive tackles off the board, the Lions need to address the after effects of the Roy Williams trade. Calvin Johnson cannot carry the offense by himself, he needs a mid-range possession receiver to play across from him and take some pressure off the deep balls. Nicks is the perfect compliment to Johnson for the Lions, and will make life much easier for Matthew Stafford.



21. Philadelphia Eagles


Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia

Pros: Tremendous rushing ability both in the flat and between the tackles. Great patience cutting through his blocks, and a good second gear once he makes it through. Isn’t afraid to engage defenders, and has the ability and shiftiness to break free of a few tackles.

Cons: Needs to work on his pass catching, especially in this offense. Will be stuffed just as often as he breaks a big play. Is a liability in the passing game, both as a receiver and as a blocker.

Moreno comes into the NFL as sort of the poor man’s Adrian Peterson. He won’t be quite that explosive in Philly, but he’ll serve as a fantastic heir apparent to Brian Westbrook, whom the Eagles need to start thinking about replacing sooner rather than later. If Moreno is still there at this pick, and the Eagles think he can improve his pass catching, this will be a tremendous value pick.



22. Minnesota Vikings


Eben Britton, OT, Arizona

Pros: Keeps all his blocks in front of him and uses his size and strength to keep defenders out of the play. Has exceptionally long arms which helps him keep a defender on the move even if he gets beat. Great straight-line run blocker who will drive defenders into the second level.

Cons: Has too much faith in his physical prowess to the point where his technique has not really developed. Will get beat a few times a game by defenders that just beat him out of his stance. Not the guy you want on screens or reverses, as he’s a bit oafish in his walk.

Minnesota is desperate to replace RT Ryan Cook, so much so that it’ll be easy to overlook holes at DT, CB, WR, and QB and take the safest bet tackle left on the board. Eben Britton isn’t a great tackle, but he’s solid, and certainly a large upgrade over converted center Cook, especially if Britton is able to learn some NFL techniques.



23. New England Patriots


Clay Matthews, LB, USC

Pros: Good speed, usually has great reaction on the snap. One of the best blitzers in the draft, he’s got a good knack for finding the gaps in the offensive line before they develop. Can play inside or outside LB equally well. A fine tackler.

Cons: A bit undersized, might be a better Safety/Floater when all is said and done. Tends to get run out of plays and swallowed up if he doesn’t hit that gap that he’s looking for. Plays too aggressively at times.

The trade of Mike Vrabel opened up a spot on the Patriot’s roster for a versatile linebacker who isn’t afraid to play some special teams and roam the field a bit. Matthews is the third of the USC linebackers to come off my draft board, and the least physically gifted, but he is probably the most useful in terms of all the different things he can do, and we all know how much Bill Belichick loves utility.



24. Atlanta Falcons


Brandon Pettigrew, Tight End, Oklahoma State

Pros: Excellent blocker, he’s not afraid to get his hands dirty with the offensive line. Solid possession receiver, who usually finds the gaps in the defense and provides a good safety valve for the quarterback. Good hands, and isn’t afraid to take a hit.

Cons: He’s not likely to break any big plays in the passing game. A great run blocker, but he’ll get beat at times in pass protection. Had some injury issues in college, and for a guy who takes as many hits as Pettigrew does, that’s not good.

It may be boring, but Atlanta needs a solid blocker on their offensive line, and an extra safety valve for Matt Ryan if he can’t get the ball to Roddy White. Nobody the Falcons tried last year at TE were able to fit the bill, but Pettigrew has the ability to be that possession guy, while also helping open up holes for Michael Turner in the running game.



25. Miami Dolphins


Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois

Pros: Solid tackler, especially for a corner. Good ball tracking skills, he will usually get a good break on the ball. Understands and diagnoses routes well.

Cons: Has good speed, but will still get burned by NFL caliber receivers. Drops a lot of easy picks. Will deliver some shots, but will also whiff on a tackle or two per game.

Miami has a lot of holes to plug in their secondary, not good when you’re facing Randy Moss and T.O. twice a year. Davis isn’t necessarily an elite corner at the next level, but he’s a tough, Parcells guy who will play better than his ability in division games.



26. Baltimore Ravens


Darius Heyward-Bey, WR, Maryland

Pros: Impressive speed, will burn defenders on a handful of plays a game. Quick feet allow him to rack up great YAC. The rare burner who isn’t afraid to play the slot.

Cons: Pretty much only knows the Slant and Go patterns, which makes defending him much easier. Not afraid to make catches in traffic, but shies away from taking hits.

Bey’s 4.3/40 shot him up a lot of people’s draft charts, before they settled down and realized that he’s essentially this year’s Devin Hester/Ted Ginn. If you can get him the ball, Heyward-Bey is fantastic, but otherwise he’s just a body on the field. The Ravens need another target for Joe Flacco though, and the temptation is probably more than they’d be able to bare.



27. Indianapolis Colts


Perria Jerry, DT, Mississippi

Pros: Good off the ball movement, will sometimes beat the center and guard to his gap. Is smart enough to use his size and leg drive to split gaps and put pressure on the quarterback.

Cons: Will get pushed out of plays by faster or stronger linemen. Mostly raw ability that needs a lot of refinement to compete at the NFL level.

Indianapolis’ defensive line is on life support as the list of competent players currently reads, “Dwight Freeney…?” Perria Jerry is the best tackle still on the board, and while it will take a while before he develops into a pass rushing force in the league, he will at least provide them with an able, warm body to start on Sundays.



28. Buffalo Bills


Robert Ayers, DE, Tennessee

Pros: Good at beating the tackle off the line. Plays the run well, with solid movement across the line of scrimmage. Very fluid, natural movement when shedding blocks.

Cons: Has a tendency to overrun the play. Sometimes gets frustrated when his natural talent isn’t enough to overwhelm the blocker. Will be outrun by faster backs.

As much as they’d probably like to, Buffalo can’t justify taking a second tackle in the first round, and while they’d probably like an upgrade at tight end, there’s not much gap between the tight ends you can take here and the ones you’ll be able to get in round 4. Ayers is a guy the Bills really like, and while he’s a project, he should provide some good plays for Buffalo this year.



29. New York Giants


James Laurinaitis, LB, Ohio State

Pros: An athlete’s athlete, makes up for all his physical limitations with drive and determination. Flies to the ball. Reads and reacts to plays extremely well. Excellent tackler.

Cons: Not the most physically gifted linebacker in the draft. Will occasionally play himself out of position or misread a scheme. Is a ball hawk, but isn’t great in coverage.

The Giants will likely try to either trade up to grab one of the earlier receivers or trade this pick for Braylon Edwards. Baring that, however, they should spend their pick upgrading their line backing corps. Laurinaitis is a great developmental prospect who would be a fantastic middle linebacker for their defense in a year or two.



30. Tennessee Titans


Darius Butler, CB, Connecticut

Pros: Great special teams and defensive player. Good eyes, sees the path of the ball well and is usually in good position to make a play on it. Not afraid to get into it with a larger receiver.

Cons: Poor tackler. Probably best suited as a nickle corner in the NFL, because he’s only 5’10” 175lbs, so he’ll get steamrolled by some of the larger receivers.

The Titans can either try to replace Albert Haynesworth or Chris Carr here, and since there’s no Haynesworth type talent in the draft this year, they’re better off giving themselves a solid return man and cornerback depth than just settle for any defensive tackle in the first round.

31. Arizona Cardinals


Michael Johnson, DE, Georgia Tech

Pros: One of the best pure athletes in the draft, all Johnson’s measurables are fantastic. He’s got good speed and long, thick arms and legs which help him engage and drive linemen.

Cons: For all his physical gifts, he’s not that great a football player. He gets frustrated easily, and will sometimes give up if he gets driven out of a play. Plays way too tall for a down lineman.

The Cardinals have some flexibility with the number 31 pick, so why not just take the best pure athlete in the draft? I’m not convinced that DE is the right place for Michael Johnson, but Arizona should stake a claim on him and see what he brings to camp. There’s too much talent there to be wasted, which is why he’s suddenly climbing up everybody’s boards.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers


Aaron Maybin, DE, Penn State

Pros: Great speed, often beats linemen off the snap. Very engaging pass rusher, moves fluidly through the offensive line to the quarterback. Solid tackler.

Cons: Needs to add about 20lbs to be taken seriously as an NFL DE. Gets beat out by less talented linemen far too often. A five star talent that plays like a four star DE.

The Steelers have a ton of flexibility here. They could go to Robinskie to replace Nate Washington, or to an offensive linemen to bolster those ranks, but again, like I said with Arizona, why not take the best athlete on the board and see what you can do? Maybe is not an NFL DE, by any means, but as a James Harrison/Joey Porter-type DE/LB hybrid, he could have a stellar career. And who better to learn from than Harrison himself?