Archive for May 2009

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Howling Fjord

May 27, 2009 World of Warcraft No comments

Places of Interest

Utgarde Keep
Valgarde
Vengeance Landing
New Agamand
Westguard Keep
Apothecary Camp
Fort Wildervare
Camp Winterhoof
Kamagua

The other starting zone for Northrend is Howling Fjord, which is a little less meaty perhaps than Borean Tundra, but deals more directly with the Lich King storyline. In fact, even if you start in Borean Tundra, it would behoove you to head over to Howling Fjord for a while to pick up on the Lore thread.

It is an interesting zone, insofar as it’s quest hubs are very spread out, but in a way that makes a lot of sense, and makes your progression through the zone and into Grizzly Hills feel very natural. There’s an oddly Horde bent to Howling Fjord, they have one more town than the Alliance and the Horde’s questlines are more fleshed out than the Alliance’s, except for one little interesting quest for the Alliance that explains were humans come from.

Mining: Cobalt. Lots of Cobalt here, especially along the various coastlines and fjords. A lot of the nodes are out of the way, but you should get a decent amount by the time you leave the zone.

Herbalism: Goldclover, Tiger Lilly, Deadnettle. Not a huge selection or collection of herbs here, but enough to get a leveling herbalist going. Deadnettle, by the way, is similar to the Old World’s Swiftthistle, in that you find it by gathering other nodes, not by itself.

Cloth: Frostweave. You’ll be farming a lot of your Frostweave off the Vykrul here, and it’s pretty easy to come by. It doesn’t drop stacks at a time like Netherweave seemed to in Outlands, but you’ll have more than enough to keep your professions moving.

Leather: Borean Leather. Bunches and bunches of Leather to be had here. In fact, Howling Fjords is one of the easiest leather gathering zones in the game, next to the “Nestingwary” zones (Sholozar, Nagrand, and Stranglethorn) which have more beast mobs than necessary by design.

Howling Fjord isn’t as well made as Borean Tundra, and the quest lines, especially for the Alliance, bear that out. But, while the Tundra focuses mostly on Malygos and the Dragonflights, the Fjords at least thrust you right into the action with the Vykrul and the Lich King. The individual quests are also better, I think. There’s one in particular which has you getting into a fistfight with yourself that is particularly impressive. So definitely check it out, but maybe as your second zone rather than the first.

YouTube Tuesday: Idol Wrap-Up

May 27, 2009 American Idol, YouTube One comment

So I was completely wrong. Kris Allen won American Idol, proving once and for all that a majority of American is still afraid of horrible Broadway singers. Why do you think Nathan Lane’s TV show failed? Anyway, it probably could’ve gone either way, but I’m glad Kris won.

Of course, his finale songs were all awful, and other than the reappearance of the totally hot Alexis Grace (who was all over the place for an 11th place contestant) the finale was pretty boring, so I’m just going to load up his awesome performance of Kanye’s “Heartless” instead.

YouTube Monday: Good Times. Good Times.

May 27, 2009 Weekend Top Five No comments

To Celebrate the rebirth of the Hock Show website, here’s a little ditty I like to call “Celebration.”

Thanks, Kool, I know how much you love this site. The Gang? Not so much. You guys are all kind of jerks.
Well, except for that one guy. You know who I’m talking about. He’s all right, I guess.

Welcome to the New Hock Show Dot Com

May 27, 2009 Special Events No comments

So, in case you haven’t noticed, we’ve changed a few things around here. Kind of cleaned up the interface, and look! Now you can browse the articles by catagories.

Anyway, now that the new site is up, I’ll be back to my regularily scheduled site updates. Just let me or Dan know if you have any thoughts. The Weekend Top Five this weekend will be a double dose to make up for missing last week.

RAW Satire for 5/18/09

May 24, 2009 RAW Satire No comments

Last Night: John Cena defied all odds and showed his critics wrong by…doing exactly what we all expected him to do. Also, Ric Flair represented Ring of Honor by attacking Randy Orton. And the Denver Nuggets won. Who will win…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Randy Orton is in the ring, and he’s got a mic. He says that he’s put all of Evolution out of business, including Triple H, which makes him the greatest WWE champion of all time. Ok, he says YMCA Chocolatechip, but you know what he meant. Anyway, he’s beaten everybody and that means that he’s the greatest wrestler of all the times. Except he doesn’t seem to be terribly excited about any of it, mostly because I think he’s starting to realize that he’s got no more faces to fight.

Here’s Ric Flair, surely to ambassadorize Ring of Honor all over this joint. Err…nope. He says that Orton was supposed to be the hot new thing coming out of Evolution, except it ended up being Dave. Which is kind of hilarious, because The Tista is older than Flair. And also, apparently Orton and Batista are going to fight (again) in a Cage match at “Extreme Rules,” which is the worst name for a Pay Per View since “One Night Stand.”

Orton pulls the old, “I’ve gotten some wing for you to tell, The Manimal!” and then he punches Flair. And I’m pretty sure Flair invented that move, so that was kind of dumb. Flair, having been retired for over a year now, is completely knocked out by one punch. The Lemony flounces out to try to get them some old man, but they’re walking so slow that even a running Batista can catch up with them. But it’s still 3-on-1 (really), so Dave has to get saved by John Cena, who I can only imagine is doing this because he’s pissed that he hasn’t been considered a main eventer since, like, Wrestlemania. Flair does his best to shill for ROH by laying in a pool of his own drool. Only on HDNet!

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews asks John Cena why he randomly ran out and attacked The Lemony, and Cena cops to the fact that he did it because he hasn’t been a main eventer since, like, Wrestlemania. That’s why I can’t hate John Cena. Vickie Guerrero excuses herself and books The Tista/Cena vs. The Lemony tonight, which Cena has a good laugh over because…seriously…she’s threatening him with Cody Rhodes.

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Nikki Bella Twin vs. Bri Bella Twin vs. a Gander vs. Rosa Mendes vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Jillian Hall vs. Alexis Laree
In a Battle Royal for the Number One Contendership to the Divas Title

How prestigious! Maryse is on commentary, and immediately gets into it with Michael Cole for calling her Maurice. HAHAHAHAHA! It’s like my worst fan fiction come to life. He gets it right once, she thanks him, and he calls her Maurcie literally five seconds later. Well…they tried. I think I speak for everyone when I ask where the hell Santina is. I mean, the gander got into this match, and she’s been migrating for months! Maryse gets sick of talking to Cole and Lawler and maces Alexis, allowing Kelly to pick up the win. That’s why I like Maryse. She’s evil, and she actually has a plan. If she keeps fighting Kelly, she’ll never lose the Diva’s Title. Ever.

EVER!

(ads)

Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guerrero

This feud is pretty much the best thing on WWE TV right now. I don’t care what you say, Chavo and Santino were born to feud forever on the undercard of house shows. Chavo controls the majority of the match because half of Santino’s gimmick involves how terrible he is at wrestling, but then Santino “hulks up” and remembers how to throw punches. Awesome. In fact, Santino’s so jacked up, he rolls Chavo up for the win. After the match, Chavo gets on the mic and challenges Santino to fight Vickie for the Miss Wrestlemania crown. Because what we need is a third women’s title. Well, at least it explains why Santina wasn’t in the battle royal earlier. And, to tell you the truth, I kind of like the Miss Wrestlemania title more than the Diva’s Title anyway. Sorry, Maurice.

(ads)

Coming soon to the injured list near you…Mister…Something. Something!

Backstage, Maryse is talking about American Idol in French to Miz, but they didn’t teach him French in the Palace of Wisdom, so he’s just kind of nodding along. Once she shuts up, Miz starts talking about John Cena, which gets Maryse’s eyes rolling, because this jobber is totally getting his ass kicked. Maryse finally gets tired of it, and she beats the hell out of Miz.

Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Matthews has caught up with Matt Hardy, who is looking kind of rough. That’s what you get for hanging out with your worst enemy, dude. He stole your girlfriend and sent you in a yearlong spiral that ended up with you in Ring of Honor! Ric Flair would be proud, but nobody else would. I guess he did it to give the finger to his brother. Well, he would except, you know, the cast. Matt says “Metatarsals” about fifty times, and I have to admit, it’s a fun word to say. Even Josh gets in on the action with about a dozen metatarsals of his own. Anyway, the point of this whole segment is that apparently, Matt compromised every one of his values for a U.S. Title match. Which is cool, because I’ve done the same thing. I can’t believe I lost to David Flair. Also, Vickie wiped out his losses to Kofi and Shelton, which was nice.

Even elsewhereier, Vickie is pissed because she doesn’t want to wrestle tonight, but Chavo booked her in a match anyway. Uh-oh, Chavo! You’d better be careful or she’ll be so pissed off that you won’t be able to hook up. With your aunt. Randy Orton bursts in and essentially threatens to kick Vickie in the head for letting Chavo and Flair book all the matches on RAW, but Vickie offers him a danish and all is forgiven. Behold the power of pastry!

(ads)

You know what tomorrow is? MAY 19TH! MAY 19TH! Sigh…I miss Kane.

The Primo and The Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. The Brian Kendrick and The Goldust

Heh. Why the hell not? When you’re choosing random partners, you’ve only really got four choices, The Big Show, The Bradshaw, The Kane, or The Goldust. Speaking of which, apparently The Goldust is feuding with The Big Show on Superstars for no real reason. I should really start watching that show. But I probably won’t. I’m just saying. This goes about how you’d expect, with The Spanky failing miserably and then blaming The Goldust for the loss. After the match, The Hornswoggle coming out from under the ring and kicking The Spanky’s shins, and then The Goldust throwing him at The Kendrick. Aww…they’re RAW’s cutest couple.

Backstage, Miz is engaged in some sort of John Cena related cosplay, much to the delight of Tough Enough Jessie, until he tells her that she can’t see him, and she runs off crying.

(ads)

Miz comes out to “Word Life” which is awesome, because that’s really Cena’s best song. Not that I don’t like APPLE DOUGH, but really. Miz tries to write a rap, which somehow comes off even worse than Cena’s, at least in part because he fails to rhyme Cena properly with weenah. Jerry Lawler, for no reason, gets up and starts bitching about how Miz doesn’t understand the concept, and that John Cena will never feud with some undercard dude like Miz, and that Miz isn’t really 4-0 against Cena and will never beat him.

We’re ignoring, I guess, the fact that Miz did beat Cena. Like…Last week. But whatever. This is just an excuse for Lawler to namedrop Hogan, Sammartino, and Austin, in challenging them to matches. I’m pretty sure Miz could beat any of those guys right now. Lawler also challenges Batista to come out, which is sort of hilarious, because you know Batista is enough of an asshole to come out and beat the crap out of Lawler just because.

Instead, though, it’s Big Show who gets tired of all this and decides to shut Miz up. Mostly because he’s feuding with Cena now, dammit! Oh, and he’s going to take on Cena in a match he knows John can’t win. A Submission Match. You know, that’s why he added the STFU as a finisher, right, Show? Miz wants nothing to do with this, so he just says that Show is going to job to Cena just like he always does, and shoves Lawler into a Big Show choke slam. Show says “screw it” and locks in a camel clutch, just for the hell of it.

(ads)

Matt Hardy vs. Montel Vontavious Porter
For the WWE United States Heavyweight Title

Jim Ross is on commentary, because play by play guys are awesome. You can’t have enough of them in the booth, really. Was Matt Striker busy tonight or something? They take a couple shots at the Denver Nuggets for cancelling RAW next week, which flies over 90% of the audience’s head, but so does pretty much everything that happens on this show. Maybe RAW will be held in the MVP next week. Mostly Vacant Parkinglot. Nothing much happens for a couple minutes, and MVP hits the Playmaker for the win. Well, I hope it was worth betraying everything you stood for, Matt. I cannot even tell if I meant Matt Hardy or Matt Hocking there, you guys.

(ads)

Backstage, Ric Flair is all, “Retire me?! I’m already retired! Retire me! I’m already retired!!” And Dave is all, “You should stay RETIRED!” And then Flair threatens him, and Dave frowns and Flair begs off. Then Flair says next week that he’s going to come out here and promote Ring of Honor! WOO! Just kidding, he says he’s going to fight Randy Orton. Dave doesn’t know how to tell Ric that that’s pretty stupid, so he just frowns again, and Flair tells him that he’ll be all alone for the main event tonight. Dave’s all, “What happened to John CENA?!”

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

In Vickie’s office, Chavo is trying to teach her how to do a Frogsplash, but she’s not really…aerodynamic enough. Santino comes in to observe all this and make oinking noises, much to the delight of…um…you, probably. Weirdo.

(ads)

Vickie Guerrero (w/ Chavo Guerrero) vs. Santina Marella
For the Miss Wrestlemania Crown

Jim Ross is reveling in how crappy this all is. It makes the move to Smackdown all worth it. He calls it the biggest match he’s ever called. Even bigger than Val Venis vs. Taka Michinoku! I didn’t think anything could possibly top that. Anyway, Chavo makes this No DQ about ten seconds in because nothing was happening, and then he attacks Santina, but she fights him off. Before she can go after Vickie, though, William Regal runs out and attacks Santina. Because…oh to hell with it. I have no idea. I don’t know what’s happening on this show anymore. Vickie wins, of course, and I have to admit, her royal coronation after the match is hilarious. Well played, Vickie.

Backstage, The Lemony is trying to figure out how to win against all odds.

(ads)

The Lemony vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and John Cena

How big a jerk is Dave? He doesn’t even act threatened by The Lemony when he comes down to the ring. He just goes down there and poses like normal, even though his three opponents are standing not five feet from him. Cena at least runs down there and clears the ring before he starts hand jiving. I will note that he throws nearly his entire outfit into the crowd, but hands off his $12 dog tags over to WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda for safe keeping. Heaven forbid he lose those!

(ads)

Cody and DiBiase are actually getting some offense in here, which is fun. It’s like their Wrestlemania. I like Jim Ross’ style of color commentary, because it mostly involves him saying nothing, and then shouting a catchphrase when something happens. That’s my J.R. Cody with a moonsault. Oh, Cody, nobody cares, but nice effort. Maybe it’s not too late for you to run off with your brother and Hornswoggle. Big Show comes out, for no reason, and John Cena chases him off with a chair. But now it’s just down to Batista vs. The Lemony, so Ric Flair comes out to even the odds. He pushes Cody off the top rope, and Dave gets a Spear on Orton for the win. After the match, The Tista and Flair celebrate a little too long, and Dave turns his back on Flair which is really stupid, given their exchange earlier, so Flair caps him in the knee and then punches him in the balls.

No?

They just hugged again? Lame.

Next Week: Nothing, because RAW was cancelled for a basketball game! Though I’m sure The Miz will be in a Mosty Vacant Parkinglot to insult John Cena. Also, I’ve got money on Matt Hardy laying out Jim Duggan for no reason.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Borean Tundra – There’s Nothing Borean About It

May 22, 2009 World of Warcraft No comments

Places of Interest

The Nexus
Valiance Keep
Warsong Hold
Amber Ledge
Coldarra
Fizzcrak Airstrip
Bor’Gorok Outpost
Kaskala

Now we’ve moved on to Northrend, and an interesting little twist to the zoning. After being tired of having every character on the server getting log-jammed into Hellfire during Burning Crusade, Blizzard decided to spread things out a bit for Wrath of the Lich King, which means that you can choose to start in either Borean Tundra, or the Howling Fjord. Frankly, I like Borean Tundra more as an introductory zone, though.

From the moment you step off the boat or zepplin, you’ll find that the zones are more well put together and more player-centric than the old vanilla and BC zones. The NPCs here know who you are, the quests are varied and interesting, and importantly, at least in my mind, the hubs are well centered. You move from your starting city to tour the minor factions to find out what the story of the region is (for Borean Tundra/Dragonblight it’s Malygos), then you quest until the region’s storyline is satisfactorily filled in with an instance. It’s something that old school WoW really only did twice, in Westfall with the Defias (and that was Alliance-only) and then in Silithus, with Ahn’Qiraj. It’s really nice to see how much they’ve learned about appealing zone layouts with this expansion.

Mining: Cobalt. The first of the new metals, and there’s actually not a ton of it here. Cobalt pops up fairly frequently throughout the first four or five zones, depending on your path, so don’t worry about not getting enough of it, but don’t expect to be farming tons of it from the get go like you did with Fel Iron.

Herbalism: Gold Clover, Tiger Lilly. Unique in that there is an entirely new set of herbs to gather in Northrend (Burning Crusade started off with several of the Old World plants mixed in). Borean Tundra isn’t a great source of herbalism, but it’s decent, and you should have a good stock for alchemy and inscription by the time you’re ready to leave.

Cloth: Frostweave. Another new item! Frostweave doesn’t have nearly as high a droprate as Netherweave did, thank God, but you’ll still be able to get plenty of it off the various humanoid and dragon mobs in the area. It’s worth noting that leveling your First Aid past the general Frostweave bandage is pointless until you can get a Heavy Frostweave book (which is a random drop off pretty much any mob on the continent).

Leather: Borean Leather. Well, that’s a bit of a shock. Borean Leather is actually pretty damn easy to gather, but most of the animals that you can kill to get it give you a buff that makes it impossible to complete the DEHTA questlines in Borean Tundra, so proceed with farming at your own risk (or after you’ve gotten their achievement).

Borean Tundra has a better, more cohesive story than Howling Fjord, and I think it sets the player up better for the rest of Northrend’s content. Sure, Howling Fjord puts you right into the thick of it with the Lich King, but the lore thread is weaker, and doesn’t really pick up until you’re able to complete Utgarde Pinnacle. But Borean Tundra is a shining example of how much Blizzard has learned about building a zone that’s both fun to play and to see. Sure there are mobbing issues (many of the mobs are way too close together which means that caster classes will have trouble pulling too much aggro), but it’s not nearly as bad as it was in Hellfire. Overall, you’ll leave thinking you had a really awesome experience. And that sets you up nicely for Dragonblight, Grizzly Hills, Zul”Drak, Storm Peaks, and Icecrown.

American Idol 2009 Finale

May 20, 2009 American Idol No comments

It’s the grand finale! Seacrest is already warning us to set our DVRs for an extra half hour of crap next week. It’s just like wrestling, and Adam Lambert is John Cena. Or the Miz. I can’t tell which. We’re down a Gokey from last week, but Kris is the only one who has any shot here against Lambert, so…let’s roll with it. This? Is American Idol.

Adam Lambert
Singing: “Mad World” by Tears for Fears (Year of Your Birth Week)
Performance: This was actually one of the few performances of his that I enjoyed on its own merits this season, so it’s probably a good choice for him. I’m also digging the six inches too long trench coat too. His voice is cracking all over the place. I can’t tell if that’s “artistry” or not. I do love the super full force fog machine they’re pumping out. This song has gone one about two minutes too long, and has gone from being pretty good to being sort of annoying. Just like Adam Lambert! Maaaaaad WoooooRLdddd! Matt Giraud looks like he’s going to stab a bitch.
Judges Say: This was your best song, and you sang it again.
I Say: It started off solid and really tailed off, but it was good.
Change: +1
Score: +4

Kris Allen
Singing: “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers
Performance: I just sort of realized that Kris talks like Shawne Mullins, but doesn’t sing at all like him. Is that weird? I think it’s weirder that I know what Shawne Mullis talks like. I’m a little surprised he went with a brand new song choice here instead of hitting the “Heartless” well again, given how big the response to that was. This is pretty good, but it’s a little too bland. I like the prop orchestra, and it’s a nice performance to listen too, but like early season Kris, if you’d ask me if I will remember this next week? No.
Judges Say: Just a little better and you still have an outside shot at this thing.
I Say: Too laid back, but it was not bad by any stretch of the imagination.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +7

Adam Lambert
Singing: “A Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke (Simon Fuller’s Choice)
Performance: Aww, I miss Nigel’s hilariously bad song choices. Simon Fuller’s aren’t much better though, so…Adam’s starting off with the horrible notes, which is how you know this is going to be great. Actually, I kind of love this, because by not letting Adam sing his 80s hair music, they’re leveling the playing field. You can’t glam rock “A Change Is Gonna Come.” Adam tries like hell though, including a nine minute long unnecessary glory note thrown in there for no reason! Yay!
Judges Say: For no apparent reason, we’re all slobbering over this performance!
I Say: Not great, mostly because this was way outside of his wheelhouse. This might be the first time I’ve said the word “wheelhouse” this season! I almost made it!
Change: -1
Score: +3

Kris Allen
Singing: “What’s Goin’ On?” by Marvin Gaye (Simon Fuller’s Choice)
Performance: Katie Holmes is covering Suri’s ears in the audience. What’s the point? This was actually a pretty solid choice. Nigel would’ve picked “Enter Sandman” or something. I love that Kris has the whole street busker band happening at the front of the stage. I feel compelled to throw quarters at him right now. Overall, it’s a solid performance that doesn’t overstay its welcome. Lambert could learn something from that. Randy has the gall to compliment the song choice, and Kara’s head starts bobbling all over the damn place.
Judges Say: It was a fine performance, but didn’t have enough umph.
I Say: Didn’t outstay it’s welcome, which was nice, but yeah, another performance I won’t remember.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +7

Adam Lambert
Singing: “No Boundries” by Kara DioGuardi
Performance: It was actually “co-written by Kara DioGuardi,” but they don’t say who the other person was. Did she really need help? Isn’t this kind of the reason they put her on the panel, so she could write this damn song every year? I thought Adam was breathing too heavily into the mic, but it’s actually a really awful drum machine. Awesome. Kris’ version of this song is going to be terrible, because it was clearly written with Adam in mind. I’ll give it this, it is not as horrible as other Idol songs. It’s still terrible, but not as terrible. Why do you need a drum machine AND a drummer? Ok, I officially hate all of this. This whole package. Lambert, the song, the drum machine, the whole thing. Sorry. Sorry! Cathy Dennis and Mitch Allen were the other writers! Thanks, Kara! It took three people to write that! Three! Simon hates it!
Judges Say: We’re getting our crown ready to coronate you the master of our collective universes.
I Say: Patently ridiculous in every conceivable way, which is why I hate it and why he’s totally going to win this thing.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +3

Kris Allen
Singing: “No Boundries” by Kara DioGuardi, Cathy Dennis and Mitch Allen
Performance: This doesn’t sound as ridiculous as I thought it would, but it’s still not great, because Kris essentially has to shout the whole damn thing, because the song was written for Adam. If this is released as a single it’s going to be awful. So awful it will be awesome, so I’m kind of all for it. He’s not hiding behind an instrument, so his facial tics are front and center. Randy is hilarious in saying that he thinks the song fits Kris better, and Kara looks like she’s going to barf because she totally wrote that song for Adam. I think Kara secretly wants Kris to win just because.
Judges Say: Let’s see how many ways we can be oddly dismissive of you.
I Say: The odds were kind of stacked against Kris here, and he couldn’t overcome them.
Change: +/- 0
Score: +7

The WinnerI>

Adam Lambert

They clearly want Adam to win, which made the Sam Cooke choice even more baffling, but if that wasn’t clear before, that shouty ass single should have sealed the deal. Kris put in a typically workman like performance, but I think he was just as clued into the fact that Lambert was supposed to win this so he dialed it down several billion notches and handed over the title. I mean he didn’t even do “Heartless” which was his best performance of the season.

Carrie Underwood rolls up on the joint to sing her song to take us out of the season. It was kind of weird, because on one hand, I think it was ultimately one of the better groups of talent out of any of the seasons, but it was a lot less entertaining than some of the messes that we had last year. Just as a point of comparison, I ended up downloading several songs last year from contestants, but this year, I downloaded one. And that song was performed in the second to last week of the season.

I don’t know what that means exactly for the show. When you put better talent on a singing show, and end up with a worse product then it’s all kind of a loss. But in that way, Adam Lambert is kind of the perfect winner for the 2009 Idol Season. Very talented, but kind of a terrible end product.

YouTube Monday: Duke Out

May 18, 2009 YouTube No comments

It was a sad day when we lost Duke Nukem Forever. One of the Internet’s greatest jokes died, as did a game that nobody would ever have played. Some people had that game on pre-order since 1997. Think about that! When will Gamestop refund their $5 credit?!

In Memory of Our Friend. We’re gonna miss you, Duke.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for May 10th – 16th, 2009

May 17, 2009 Weekend Top Five No comments

Five Stories That Are (not) Changing Your World

1. Want to Go to Blizzcon? Too Bad! Blizzcon 2009 tickets sold out in 20 minutes on Saturday, and while I admit that I was one of the unlucky ones who didn’t get in, I’m curious as to what the selection methods were. Tickets went on sale at 12 p.m. CST, and when I logged in (at 11:58 CST), I was 12,000th in line. Huh? A smaller second wave of tickets will be released later this month.

2. Preakness a Lot Less Interesting Than Advertised. Rachel Alexandra won the Preakness, the second leg of the Triple Crown on Saturday, holding off a strong charge from Derby winner Mine That Bird down the stretch, and yeah, Rachel was the first filly to win the Preakness in 80 years, but…meh. Nobody cares about it if it doesn’t extend the Triple Crown. Now there’s no reason to watch the Belmont, at least.

3. Hey, Who Wants To Do a Keg Stand Holding My Diploma? Arizona State University said they will not give their traditional Honorary Diploma to President Barrack Obama this week, because they say that it diminishes the respect that the honorary diplomas (apparently) have. You’ll remember, of course, that Obama ran a weary campaign against Arizona Senator John McCain for the presidency. President Obama doesn’t mind, apparently, he’s too busy fighting with the Catholic Church about whether or not he’s Christian enough to be a guest speaker at Notre Dame.

4. From the “That Ship Has Sailed” Department…. Major game publisher Take Two Interactive is suing the component pieces of 3d Realms for never finishing Duke Nukem Forever. Sure they’ve had 12 years to push the issue, but now that 3d Realms has finally given up the ghost? *Now* Take Two is pissed. This is like the world’s saddest divorce.

5. Craigslist Toning It Down a Bit. In the past few months, Craigslist has been slammed for its ancient and ubiquitous “Adult Services” ads. While Craigslist CEO Jim Buckmaster (great name for a Outdoorsman TV Host, horrible CEO name) rightly points out that Craigslist is kind of the last place on the internet most people would go for erotic services, they’re going to take down all their adult content on most of their subsites until further notice.

RAW Satire for 5/11/09

May 14, 2009 RAW Satire No comments

I’m having a rather busy week, and while I don’t want to punish those (two) of you who want to read my column, it’s going to be my quick ‘n’ dirty style today. Soooory.

Last Week: John Cena was the best looking crippled zombie I’ve ever seen. MVP continued to be inserted into, and then entirely ignored in, the main event storylines, making him the face version of Cody Rhodes. Oh, and speaking of which, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” was a huge asshole to Shane McMahon. Will he be an asshole…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Do you hear voices in your head? Do they talk to you? Do they understand? What is this, the intro to House? The theme music for Damien Demento? No? Anyway, here’s Randy Orton, who would like very much to remind us that The Lemony pretty much killered the Legend that is Shane McMahon last week. What, even The Mean Street Posse wouldn’t save him? That’s straight cold, Pete Gas. The Tista takes offense to this, of course, because the only thing worse than a huge jerk is a huge jerk who runs around saying, “I am not a huge JERK!” Orton brings up the dreaded, “You can’t touch me!” clause, which means that there will be tons of touching tonight, just to spite Vickie Guerrero. And the first one to spite Vickie Guerrero? Vickie Guerrero. Of course. She says that nobody cares about this stupid rule that nobody will follow anyway, so she’s just going to let all of them fight. That…actually makes sense. So…Good for you, RAW. Dave’s response?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: GOOD! I am tired as of to if when be am hell of WAITING!

Randy Orton: I hear that!

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Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”


In a Handicap Match

Ok, if The Lemony beats Dave, they get to team with Orton in the main event, but if Dave wins, then…they’re wasting the Judgment Day main event on this stupid ass crap. So, I don’t think Dave’s going to win, which is kind of funny because that means that he’s going to get beat by Cody Rhodes. Of course, they find a way around that by having Cody throw a chair to Dave, and then having WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan turn around and see The Tista with a chair which results in the DQ. That’s the best ending of all time. The Tista looks pissed, I think, but not too concerned.

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Maryse and Jillian Hall vs. Alexis Laree and Kelly Kelly Kelly




Maurice sighting! That couple in the neon jackets that are always at the shows are in the front row. Hey guys! Kelly Kelly Kelly is not a very good wrestler. Sorry. She’s trying real hard though! Maryse’s new catch phrase, by the way? “Pointless French. If I wasn’t Maryse, I’d want to be.” Would you settle for being Maurice? Actually, I should point out that I liked her last catchphrase, “Pointless French. You are watching WWE Smackdown.” better. And it would actually be a pretty awesome catchphrase for RAW. Alexis wins with a DDT, which makes two wins in a row, which means she’s totally jobbing at the PPV. Wait…are they even wrestling at the PPV? Oh, I don’t care.

Backstage, Randy Orton is hitting on WWE ECW Diva Josh Matthews, who is there for no particular reason. Then Ted DiBiase runs into the picture and screams that Cody is missing. Well, where’d you leave him last? Orton is really pissed off, but that’s what you get for letting your underlings run around without supervision. You lose one! What if Cody eats after midnight, Randy? Who’s going to clean up that mess?

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Chavo Guerrero want to book Miz vs. Cena tonight, because even though Cena isn’t cleared to wrestle, and looked like he was about to die last week, they’ve got to waste this feud in a hurry so they can rush Cena back into the main event next week. Vickie thinks that’s splendid because she doesn’t have a mind of her own. Then Chavo scoots uncomfortably close and whispers “Happy Mother’s Day.” Err…Thanks? And Ew.

Now, here’s Michael Cole and Jerry “” Lawler standing around in the ring. Er…Thanks, guys?

Backstage, Ted DiBiase and Randy Orton split up to look for Cody. Haven’t they ever watched a horror movie? They know Dave is a huge jerk out to attack them! Don’t lose your buddy! Of course Randy finds Cody playing paddle ball in a corner, but when they go back to look for Ted, they find that he’s been knocked the hell out. Of course. Because Batista is a huge asshole who doesn’t take losing well, and because The Lemony is a bunch of idiots. THIS is your Judgment Day Main Event.

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Mr. Kennedy is coming back. I swear this guy only exists in “Returning Soon” vignettes.

The Brian Kendrick vs. The Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ The Primo Caribbean Cool)

Carlito, of course, sends Primo back after he comes out. He is not concerned with any Brian Kendricks, The or otherwise. The Spanky’s actually getting in a lot of offense here for a guy wandering around in half a leather jacket. I do like that he’s incorporated The Shawn Michaels’ prance into his pre-match warm-up, though. Do you suppose they taught a prancing class at the Shawn Michaels Wrestling Academy? The Carlito hits the turnbuckle and The Spanky wins with a roll-up. Wait…What? After the match The Kendrick says he’s going to find a partner and go after the tag team titles. Well it’s a good thing The Paul London still works…oh…never mind.

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John Cena vs. The Miz


In an “Exhibition Match”

There’s not even a WWE RAW Referee out here, so this is pretty much just guys throwing out wrestling holds for no reason. Oh, and Big Show sitting on the announce table. Cole bitches that he can’t see the ring, as if he didn’t have a monitor in front of him. Jim Ross wouldn’t have even noticed Show was there! Cena dominates, of course, even though last week he could barely move, but he won’t stop staring at Big Show. I think Miz screwed himself when he started off with his fresh new catchphrase, “I’m The Miz. I like cookies.” Not exactly intimidating. Vickie Guerrero comes on the Titantron to be excused, and with that distraction, Miz gets in a DDT for the…er…win?

Backstage, Randy Orton has the brilliant idea to send Cody Rhodes after Batista by himself. Surely, if anybody can take down The Tista, it’s Cody Rhodes. By himself.

Cody Rhodes: I’ll be back.

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In Vickie’s office, Chavo is still not at all subtly trying to get all up in Vickie’s area, which is still gross. Santina Marella comes in to try to spice things up a bit, but as these things often do, it only ends up with Chavo forcing him to make out with Rosa Mendes for no reason. Beth Phoenix has an OBJECTION to this, but then Santina says that she “prefers-a the company-a of the womens-a!” and then runs off making pig noises.

Elsewhere, Cody Rhodes found himself a clangy pipe and is wandering around the house in the middle of the night when he knows there’s a murderer on the loose! God. Just have sex with your improbably breasted teen girlfriend while you’re at it, Cody. He opens a door, and Hornswoggle pops out, Cody is, of course, relieved, but completely misses The Tista running up behind him and whapping him. So…what was Hornswoggle doing hiding behind that door? And more importantly, how come he isn’t in The Lemony?

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Beth Phoenix (w/ Rosa Mendes) vs. Santina Marella

Poor Beth looks beyond bored by all of this. She wants to be fighting for the Butterfly Belt, dammit! Cole spends the entire match creepily obsessing over Santino’s footwear to the point where even Lawler is kind of creeped out by it, which is saying something. I guess it has something to do with taking a digg at Hogan’s new shoe line or something, but it just makes Michael Cole come off as a weird perv. Santina wins with a roll-up. Of course.

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Backstage, WWE ECW Diva Josh Matthews is getting hit on by John Cena, and he’s kind of into it until Cena starts bitching about how hurt he really is and all that, and he he’s doing all of that while jumping around and generally not looking hurt at all despite the fact that he was just killed three weeks ago, and Matthews wanders off.

In the ring, Montel Vontavious Porter (MVP) is hosting “The VIP Lounge” which is actually pretty swank. I like the chairs. Jericho didn’t have that nice of chairs. William Regal is his guest, and Regal says he’s pretty pissed off about not being GM anymore, but MVP and me both know it’s really because Layla isn’t on RAW anymore. Can the guy keep a valet? Seriously. What ever happened to Tajiri? This, of course, transitions into Matt Hardy coming out and bitching that he was never really satisfied with how his feud with MVP turned out, so now he wants in on this too. Then Kofi Kingston comes out and kicks Matt in the head for no reason, which is kind of a jerk move, but whatever. Chavo Guerrero completes the quintfecta by booking all these guys in a match tonight.

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Montel Vontavious Porter and Kofi Kingston vs. Matt Hardy and William Regal

Matt’s still bitching about his hand, I see. Kofi is Shelton to start. Honestly, I would kind of like to see a longish PPV match between these guys, which means it will probably never happen, but they’re better than the dudes over on Smackdown. Except Kane, of course. I don’t know if you knew this, by the way, but MVP stands for “Most Vertical Penguins.” Just a tidbit I picked up from the WWE Encyclopedia. Kofi kicks Matt in the hand, so he leaves, and MVP gets Regal with a Playmaker for the win.

Backstage, Randy Orton is taking a shower. NO! NO! If he follows directions from some hillbilly at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, I’m getting off this boat.

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Randy Orton vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Randy doesn’t want this match to happen, so, of course, it does. The he goes to trip Dave so Batista’ll fall over and he can get the win right away. When did Orton get so smart? Within the last…two minutes or so? Geez. Ten second in, The Tista’s tired of all this, so he grabs a chair and whacks Randy in the ankle with it. Unfortunately for him, Randy isn’t Shane McMahon, so when The Lemony shows up (they’re just fine, by the way, they don’t make backstage attacks like they used to), Randy has no trouble bailing. Cody eats an OSPREY BOMB TO CODY~!, of course, and Ted gets a Spear. Randy remembers about 2/3rds of the way up the ramp that his ankle is supposed to be hurt, but by that point, he’s just like, “Aw screw it.”

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Randy Orton beats The Tista by virtue of the fact that the villain never actually wins at the end of horror movies. Also, Michael Cole screams “PINK SNEAKERS” at the top of his lungs during the entire ECW Title match. And John Cena wins. Of course.

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