Last Night: John Cena defied all odds and showed his critics wrong by…doing exactly what we all expected him to do. Also, Ric Flair represented Ring of Honor by attacking Randy Orton. And the Denver Nuggets won. Who will win…TONIGHT?!
Randy Orton is in the ring, and he’s got a mic. He says that he’s put all of Evolution out of business, including Triple H, which makes him the greatest WWE champion of all time. Ok, he says YMCA Chocolatechip, but you know what he meant. Anyway, he’s beaten everybody and that means that he’s the greatest wrestler of all the times. Except he doesn’t seem to be terribly excited about any of it, mostly because I think he’s starting to realize that he’s got no more faces to fight.
Here’s Ric Flair, surely to ambassadorize Ring of Honor all over this joint. Err…nope. He says that Orton was supposed to be the hot new thing coming out of Evolution, except it ended up being Dave. Which is kind of hilarious, because The Tista is older than Flair. And also, apparently Orton and Batista are going to fight (again) in a Cage match at “Extreme Rules,” which is the worst name for a Pay Per View since “One Night Stand.”
Orton pulls the old, “I’ve gotten some wing for you to tell, The Manimal!” and then he punches Flair. And I’m pretty sure Flair invented that move, so that was kind of dumb. Flair, having been retired for over a year now, is completely knocked out by one punch. The Lemony flounces out to try to get them some old man, but they’re walking so slow that even a running Batista can catch up with them. But it’s still 3-on-1 (really), so Dave has to get saved by John Cena, who I can only imagine is doing this because he’s pissed that he hasn’t been considered a main eventer since, like, Wrestlemania. Flair does his best to shill for ROH by laying in a pool of his own drool. Only on HDNet!
Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews asks John Cena why he randomly ran out and attacked The Lemony, and Cena cops to the fact that he did it because he hasn’t been a main eventer since, like, Wrestlemania. That’s why I can’t hate John Cena. Vickie Guerrero excuses herself and books The Tista/Cena vs. The Lemony tonight, which Cena has a good laugh over because…seriously…she’s threatening him with Cody Rhodes.
Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Nikki Bella Twin vs. Bri Bella Twin vs. a Gander vs. Rosa Mendes vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Jillian Hall vs. Alexis Laree
In a Battle Royal for the Number One Contendership to the Divas Title
How prestigious! Maryse is on commentary, and immediately gets into it with Michael Cole for calling her Maurice. HAHAHAHAHA! It’s like my worst fan fiction come to life. He gets it right once, she thanks him, and he calls her Maurcie literally five seconds later. Well…they tried. I think I speak for everyone when I ask where the hell Santina is. I mean, the gander got into this match, and she’s been migrating for months! Maryse gets sick of talking to Cole and Lawler and maces Alexis, allowing Kelly to pick up the win. That’s why I like Maryse. She’s evil, and she actually has a plan. If she keeps fighting Kelly, she’ll never lose the Diva’s Title. Ever.
Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guerrero
This feud is pretty much the best thing on WWE TV right now. I don’t care what you say, Chavo and Santino were born to feud forever on the undercard of house shows. Chavo controls the majority of the match because half of Santino’s gimmick involves how terrible he is at wrestling, but then Santino “hulks up” and remembers how to throw punches. Awesome. In fact, Santino’s so jacked up, he rolls Chavo up for the win. After the match, Chavo gets on the mic and challenges Santino to fight Vickie for the Miss Wrestlemania crown. Because what we need is a third women’s title. Well, at least it explains why Santina wasn’t in the battle royal earlier. And, to tell you the truth, I kind of like the Miss Wrestlemania title more than the Diva’s Title anyway. Sorry, Maurice.
Coming soon to the injured list near you…Mister…Something. Something!
Backstage, Maryse is talking about American Idol in French to Miz, but they didn’t teach him French in the Palace of Wisdom, so he’s just kind of nodding along. Once she shuts up, Miz starts talking about John Cena, which gets Maryse’s eyes rolling, because this jobber is totally getting his ass kicked. Maryse finally gets tired of it, and she beats the hell out of Miz.
Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Matthews has caught up with Matt Hardy, who is looking kind of rough. That’s what you get for hanging out with your worst enemy, dude. He stole your girlfriend and sent you in a yearlong spiral that ended up with you in Ring of Honor! Ric Flair would be proud, but nobody else would. I guess he did it to give the finger to his brother. Well, he would except, you know, the cast. Matt says “Metatarsals” about fifty times, and I have to admit, it’s a fun word to say. Even Josh gets in on the action with about a dozen metatarsals of his own. Anyway, the point of this whole segment is that apparently, Matt compromised every one of his values for a U.S. Title match. Which is cool, because I’ve done the same thing. I can’t believe I lost to David Flair. Also, Vickie wiped out his losses to Kofi and Shelton, which was nice.
Even elsewhereier, Vickie is pissed because she doesn’t want to wrestle tonight, but Chavo booked her in a match anyway. Uh-oh, Chavo! You’d better be careful or she’ll be so pissed off that you won’t be able to hook up. With your aunt. Randy Orton bursts in and essentially threatens to kick Vickie in the head for letting Chavo and Flair book all the matches on RAW, but Vickie offers him a danish and all is forgiven. Behold the power of pastry!
You know what tomorrow is? MAY 19TH! MAY 19TH! Sigh…I miss Kane.
The Primo and The Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. The Brian Kendrick and The Goldust
Heh. Why the hell not? When you’re choosing random partners, you’ve only really got four choices, The Big Show, The Bradshaw, The Kane, or The Goldust. Speaking of which, apparently The Goldust is feuding with The Big Show on Superstars for no real reason. I should really start watching that show. But I probably won’t. I’m just saying. This goes about how you’d expect, with The Spanky failing miserably and then blaming The Goldust for the loss. After the match, The Hornswoggle coming out from under the ring and kicking The Spanky’s shins, and then The Goldust throwing him at The Kendrick. Aww…they’re RAW’s cutest couple.
Backstage, Miz is engaged in some sort of John Cena related cosplay, much to the delight of Tough Enough Jessie, until he tells her that she can’t see him, and she runs off crying.
Miz comes out to “Word Life” which is awesome, because that’s really Cena’s best song. Not that I don’t like APPLE DOUGH, but really. Miz tries to write a rap, which somehow comes off even worse than Cena’s, at least in part because he fails to rhyme Cena properly with weenah. Jerry Lawler, for no reason, gets up and starts bitching about how Miz doesn’t understand the concept, and that John Cena will never feud with some undercard dude like Miz, and that Miz isn’t really 4-0 against Cena and will never beat him.
We’re ignoring, I guess, the fact that Miz did beat Cena. Like…Last week. But whatever. This is just an excuse for Lawler to namedrop Hogan, Sammartino, and Austin, in challenging them to matches. I’m pretty sure Miz could beat any of those guys right now. Lawler also challenges Batista to come out, which is sort of hilarious, because you know Batista is enough of an asshole to come out and beat the crap out of Lawler just because.
Instead, though, it’s Big Show who gets tired of all this and decides to shut Miz up. Mostly because he’s feuding with Cena now, dammit! Oh, and he’s going to take on Cena in a match he knows John can’t win. A Submission Match. You know, that’s why he added the STFU as a finisher, right, Show? Miz wants nothing to do with this, so he just says that Show is going to job to Cena just like he always does, and shoves Lawler into a Big Show choke slam. Show says “screw it” and locks in a camel clutch, just for the hell of it.
Matt Hardy vs. Montel Vontavious Porter
For the WWE United States Heavyweight Title
Jim Ross is on commentary, because play by play guys are awesome. You can’t have enough of them in the booth, really. Was Matt Striker busy tonight or something? They take a couple shots at the Denver Nuggets for cancelling RAW next week, which flies over 90% of the audience’s head, but so does pretty much everything that happens on this show. Maybe RAW will be held in the MVP next week. Mostly Vacant Parkinglot. Nothing much happens for a couple minutes, and MVP hits the Playmaker for the win. Well, I hope it was worth betraying everything you stood for, Matt. I cannot even tell if I meant Matt Hardy or Matt Hocking there, you guys.
Backstage, Ric Flair is all, “Retire me?! I’m already retired! Retire me! I’m already retired!!” And Dave is all, “You should stay RETIRED!” And then Flair threatens him, and Dave frowns and Flair begs off. Then Flair says next week that he’s going to come out here and promote Ring of Honor! WOO! Just kidding, he says he’s going to fight Randy Orton. Dave doesn’t know how to tell Ric that that’s pretty stupid, so he just frowns again, and Flair tells him that he’ll be all alone for the main event tonight. Dave’s all, “What happened to John CENA?!”
Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!
In Vickie’s office, Chavo is trying to teach her how to do a Frogsplash, but she’s not really…aerodynamic enough. Santino comes in to observe all this and make oinking noises, much to the delight of…um…you, probably. Weirdo.
Vickie Guerrero (w/ Chavo Guerrero) vs. Santina Marella
For the Miss Wrestlemania Crown
Jim Ross is reveling in how crappy this all is. It makes the move to Smackdown all worth it. He calls it the biggest match he’s ever called. Even bigger than Val Venis vs. Taka Michinoku! I didn’t think anything could possibly top that. Anyway, Chavo makes this No DQ about ten seconds in because nothing was happening, and then he attacks Santina, but she fights him off. Before she can go after Vickie, though, William Regal runs out and attacks Santina. Because…oh to hell with it. I have no idea. I don’t know what’s happening on this show anymore. Vickie wins, of course, and I have to admit, her royal coronation after the match is hilarious. Well played, Vickie.
Backstage, The Lemony is trying to figure out how to win against all odds.
The Lemony vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and John Cena
How big a jerk is Dave? He doesn’t even act threatened by The Lemony when he comes down to the ring. He just goes down there and poses like normal, even though his three opponents are standing not five feet from him. Cena at least runs down there and clears the ring before he starts hand jiving. I will note that he throws nearly his entire outfit into the crowd, but hands off his $12 dog tags over to WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda for safe keeping. Heaven forbid he lose those!
Cody and DiBiase are actually getting some offense in here, which is fun. It’s like their Wrestlemania. I like Jim Ross’ style of color commentary, because it mostly involves him saying nothing, and then shouting a catchphrase when something happens. That’s my J.R. Cody with a moonsault. Oh, Cody, nobody cares, but nice effort. Maybe it’s not too late for you to run off with your brother and Hornswoggle. Big Show comes out, for no reason, and John Cena chases him off with a chair. But now it’s just down to Batista vs. The Lemony, so Ric Flair comes out to even the odds. He pushes Cody off the top rope, and Dave gets a Spear on Orton for the win. After the match, The Tista and Flair celebrate a little too long, and Dave turns his back on Flair which is really stupid, given their exchange earlier, so Flair caps him in the knee and then punches him in the balls.
They just hugged again? Lame.
Next Week: Nothing, because RAW was cancelled for a basketball game! Though I’m sure The Miz will be in a Mosty Vacant Parkinglot to insult John Cena. Also, I’ve got money on Matt Hardy laying out Jim Duggan for no reason.