Ok, so my computer died, and I’m trying to do this on an old, old crappy laptop. So what did I miss? Vince McMahon managing to guarantee he’ll never get to book the Pepsi Center again? Ken Kennedy getting fired? FIRED?! Totally Not Jamal getting fired, thereby guaranteeing that Jamal will make a big WWE comeback. So nothing new.
Anyway, I’m not going to be able to do a full-on Satire on this piece of junk, so thankfully I found the live WWE Mobile stream from RAW, so I’m just going to copy and paste this.
mjhocking: Last Night: TOMMY DREAMER! TOMMY DREAMER! TOMMY DREAMER! Plus, Edge divorced Vickie Guerrero for the 951st time. Also, “Dave” Batista “David
LilGarci: OMG u guyz! Itz @TheTista
TheTista: I am the CHAMPION!
RankyQMorgan42: @TheTista I tahareoug aoiur athaodu WESGW Chochocliaghtp?
TheTista: lol WUT?
milliondollahjr: I’m going down to the ring #runin
couchyrhodes: @milliondollahjr Wait, isn’t Dave hurt? And Randy suspended? What the hell are we doing?
TheTista: OW! My ARM!
Puppieluvr: Wont sumbody help Dave?
Coleman: Why don’t you help them?
Coleman: @puppieluvr …?
TheTista: OW! My ARM! STILL! @TEJessie Get my BELT!
TEJessie: @TheTista You get your belt, jerk! #WAAAAAAAAH!
Kofi Kingston vs. William Regal
LilGarci: The Intercontinental Champion @Kofi420!
TheRegal1: I say, I would be a great champion. More people here need English accents.
Puppieluvr: @mileycyrus I luv u
Kofi420: Kick 2 the face!
TheRegal1: Ow! My most of me!
Kofi420: @Shelton stole my account!
milliondollahjr: We finally beat TheTista. #TheLegacy! Actually an effective group!
couchyrhodes: We’re totally going to rule RAW now, @milliondollahjr!
RankyQMorgan42: Ojkafjkld? OlKjoJIO!
couchyrhodes: Anybody wanna bablefish that?
milliondollahjr: @RankyQMorgan42 try typing from a computer. We can’t understand u!
RankyQMorgan42: I hhisa ny bert?
Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse
For the WWE Divas Title
K3lly: Omigsh! We can haz twitter now?! tweettweet
Coleman: Just saw Maurice. Super hot, you guys.
femmeblond: Je déteste lutter et ses ventilateurs
Alexis<3raven: I don’t…even want that belt really. Why am I out here? Rather be Miss Wrestlemania TBH.
K3lly: gonna try a move u guys! let u know how it goes!
K3lly: not good
femmeblond:: Un gagnant est moi
Alexis<3raven: Can I request a transfer to Smackdown? Or even ECW? #ihatemyjob
mjhocking: They are promising Tommy Dreamer next week. Don’t toy with me.
WwedivaJosh: @VickieG Is Randy Orton going to get a title match tonight?
VickieG: @WwedivaJosh yep
WwedivaJosh: That’s dumb, Dave’s hurt.
VickieG: oh…fyi…big annoucnment tonight
WwedivaJosh: You’re not fake pregnant, are you?
Miz1936: @femmeblond ur so fine, gonna dedicate a hat to u!
femmeblond: Stoppez parler et combattez John Cena.
Miz1936: i dunno wat u just said!
femmeblond: rire dehors fort
Santino Marella, Golddust, and Festus (w/ Horn-
Santino Marella, Goldust, and Festus (w/ Hornswoggle) vs. Chavo Guerrero, Jamie Knoble, and The Brian Kendrick
#1MarellaFan: I’m in-a the match-a!
Se7en: That reminds me, I should really update this account. Sorry.
newchavo: How do you use this? Did I click it right? 222222
NobleNNidia: @newchavo You gotta hit send bro
thespanky: LF Tag Team Partner. Don’t have to be any good, just don’t lose.
londoncalling: ill be your partner, @spanky
thespanky: Anybody but him?
handbuckle: SPIN THE WHEEL MAKE THE DEAL SPIN THE WHEEL MAKE THE DEAL
luvs2fight: @handbuckle I thought I took that away from you!
thespanky: *sigh* lost again. Gonna go buy a new jacket and cut one of the sleeves off. Laters.
The Miz vs. John Cena
LilGarci: brb Gonna announce this match. Eh. Maybe not.
Miz1936: @RuckFules ur nothin but a poseur! jus like tim allen, im gonna beat u up!
RuckFules: THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!!!
bigshowinmypants: Gonna continue this feud here.
RuckFules: HOW DO YOU TURN OFF CAPS? THE CHAMP IS OW!
bigshowinmypants: Heh. Backbreaker is the best move.
Miz1936: @bigshowinmypants why u always ruin my match? #chairshottotheface
bigshowinmypants: That almost hurt!
Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Matt Hardy
ManyVariedPortions: Can I be in the main event again? Please? I was on The View! THE VIEW!
SadLonelyHardy: What is Twitter? Does Lita have a Twitter? @Lita I still love you! Come back to me!
ManyVariedPortions: Ballin’ #Ballin
SadLonelyHardy: Lost again :-/
VickieG: am walking backstage
VickieG: job sux…i quit.
tehedge: I never loved you #canagirlgetasalad
VickieG: i thot u werent appearing on raw ne more?
tehedge: You are fat and old and ugly and I hate you.
VickieG: this is part of y im quittin
tehedge: Can I borrow $50?
VickieG: i wanna divorce!!!!!1
tehedge: OMG Me too!
WwedivaJosh: @RuckFules What’s up dude?
RuckFules: I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS HURT IN A LONG TIME!
WwedivaJosh: Not even when you were out hurt? Like two weeks ago?
RuckFules: NO JOSH! ALSO I HATE BIG SHOW AND MIZ I WISH THEY WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE!
WwedivaJosh: No need to shout.
RuckFules: I CAN’T FIND THE CAPSLOCK!
The Lemony vs. The Colons
couchyrhodes: @milliondollahjr If we win this match, we get a shot at the tag titles!
milliondollahjr: I totally forgot we were even a tag team!
TripleCCC: I guess we finally ran out of partners for thespanky.
PrimoCaribino: Hey, WWE Universe, finally good to get to talk to you guys without my brother interrupting!
TripleCCC: Took away @PrimoCaribino ’s phone. Shouldn’t be twittering during a match.
TripleCCC: Just lost. Blame Twitter. Damn you, Primo!
couchyrhodes: Can’t believe we actually won.
milliondollahjr: @RankyQMorgan42 will be soooo proud
RankyQMorgan42: theremaoldy in amathlks? naohgy wafkjatyoing thapaaoot.
Randy Orton (w/ The Lemony) vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
RankyQMorgan42: Rahjhaoiud iouds isOafja Davaaa bafaadfat aDvaaraso! #CHINLOCK
MyChioda: Uhh…We all know Dave is hurt, right?
couchyrhodes: Wait! Why is that ambulance on the titantron?
milliondollahjr: Hundred bucks says it’s a Transformers tie-in.
tripsh: Beatin’ up lemony with a chair. Thatll teach them for trying to get over.
RankyQMorgan42: arkadou! OOOOOOO!
tripsh: PEDIGREE 2 @RANKYQMORGAN42~!!!!1!!
mjhocking: Next week: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” steps down as champion due to his crippling twitter addiction. Also, Triple H continues is thrilling co