Archive for July 2009

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Crystalsong Forest

July 30, 2009 World of Warcraft No comments

Places of Interest

Dalaran
The Violet Hold
Windrunner’s Overlook
Sunreaver’s Command

And then there’s Crystalsong Forest. The zone where nothing happens. I’m not even kidding. There’s nothing going on in this zone. No quests, two completely meaningless flightpaths, and…I guess there’s some carrots for a cooking quest, and a daily from Icecrown has you cut down some trees here. But other than that, the zone barely exists.

Ok, that’s sort of a lie. Of sorts. Dalaran, the game’s hub city is hovering above Crystalsong, but that doesn’t really count. So other than passing through on your way to Dalaran or doing your dailies there is literally no reason to visit Crystalsong Forest. Well…it’s pretty.

Mining: None. You could technically say that some of the Cobalt from Dragonblight is technically in the Crystalsong zone, but it isn’t really.

Herbalism: None. Unless you count Crystalsong Carrots (you don’t).

Cloth: Frostweave. There are some Saytrs and mages in the zone who drop small amounts of Frostweave, but it isn’t worth trying to farm here.

Leather: Borean Leather. Yes, there are some Worgs and deer in the lower valley to kill if you’re horribly bored. Worth farming? No.

Crystalsong Forest was added late in development (it’s not even on the official release map of Wrath of the Lich King), and it shows in the zone’s design. A handful fo quests force you to pass through, but none make you stay, and there’s nothing much else going on here. There are two unfinished quest hubs with unnecessary flight paths. You’ll have to come here to get to Dalaran, but that’s it.

YouTube Monday: LeBron Gets Dunked

July 27, 2009 YouTube No comments

I brought it up on the Weekend Top Five, but here’s some handicam footage of LeBron getting dunked on at his basketball camp. Remember, *this* is the footage that Nike didn’t want you to see.

This.

I should actually call it “LeBron Getting Dunked Near” because that’s really all it is. He wasn’t even looking at the guy until the last second.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for July 19th – 25th, 2009

July 26, 2009 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Halo Reach to Be the Final Halo. No Seriously This Time, Guys! Despite Bungie’s claim that Halo 3 was going to be the final game in the series, they made the ending completely open ended, and proceeded to put three more Halo games into development. Now they swear they have a new IP in the works and are moving on from the whole Halo thing. I almost believe it!

2. Sam Raimi Tabbed for Warcraft Movie. Staring Bruce Campbell as LeeRoy Jenkins, no doubt, and that stupid car as a gnome or something. Just expect about four hours of CGI, and a Tuesday premier so they can catch everybody during the server resets. We gots to do our dailies on the weekend.

3. ComicCon Happened. Literally nothing of note came out of the year’s least noteworthy convention. The Simpsons got renewed, they’re making an Astroboy movie for some reason, oh, and the people from Lost gave a reading of the last page of the show’s final script, which I have to admit was pretty funny. Other than that? Nothing. Sorry comics fans.

4. I’ll See Your Erin Andrews Scandal and Raise You An Even Shittier Scandal! Nike officials confiscated a number of tapes of a basketball camp in Cleveland last week. Why? Because they showed Xavier player Jordan Crawford dunking on LeBron James. It really wasn’t as interesting as any of that made it sound, and even Nike’s handing out copies of the tape now, but don’t these guys have anything better to do?

5. Some Dude Won the Tour de France. Some dude named Alberto Contador won the Tour de France, apparently he won last year too? Lance Armstrong, the only one of these people you’ve ever heard of, finished in third, which isn’t bad for not having raced in two years and being injured. Expect this dude to do well next year too, in a race you probably won’t read about here.

RAW Satire for 7/20/09

July 24, 2009 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Nothing of note happened, mostly because RAW was owned by actor Seth Green. Also Harry Potter debuted. And…umm…Randy Orton? Maybe something interesting will happen…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey, it’s John Cena! Take it away, John!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YO! YO!

ZZ Top just bought


Monday Night RAW


I’m so excited,


I can’t even snore!

What will happen,


Will I get traded away?


Will I get to punch,


Cody Rhodes today?

Night of Champions,


Cena on fire!


The Spinnin’ Title,


Is all I desire!

Triple H? No way?


Randy Orton? No fear!


There is only one Champions,


THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Randy Orton: Well if it isn’t Joe Cedar! King of the rappering and liming game. Well I am Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, and holster of the WB Girl’s Chocolatechip!

Cena: Hey, Randy! Do you remember when we had this match at Wrestlemania? And you kicked Hunter in the head? And beat me? Good times, man. Good times.

Orton: It’s time to drop the parade, Joe. We both know that Triopoly H is going to wig. Neither of us can stopper him from his goal of winning seventy girl’s titles in 3009. It is his…DESTINY~!

Cena: Sigh. Hey, Randy? Can I ask you a question?

Orton: Butter corpse.

Cena: Do you actually hear voices in your head?

Orton: Would I be so Mentosly sable if I did? Now, Mr. Cedar, I am going to ask a quillion of you! Do you want to be beatered up by The Lemony?!

Cena: Do I ever?

So The Lemony comes down to ringside, but before the beating can start, Triple H cuts them off.

Triple H: I am deeply disturbed by the fact that this show has gone on for five minutes and I haven’t appeared once. What the hell is going on here? I though ZZ Top loved me!

Cena: I kind of miss Seth Green, to be honest. He seemed to have a bead on Randy.

HHH: Yeah, except he’s too small like-

Cena: Hogger?

HHH: No, I was going to say-

Cena: A Hobbit.

HHH: We’re not supposed to bring that up because of He Who Should Not Be Named.

Cena: Lord Voldemort?!

HHH: Benoit, you idiot! And I was talking about your penis.

Cena: GASP!

Orton: I challengerize all of you to a mitch!

Cena: But Triple H and I hate each other! How will we ever get along long enough to beat you guys?

HHH: Oh wait! I know! We’ll bond over our mutual hatred for Cody Rhones.

Cody Rhodes: Hey!

Now we’re backstage in the RAW Recording Studio with ZZ Top. Quick, ZZ Top fact check! Uh…Three members, Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill (not Rhodes), and Frank Beard, who does not, in fact, have a beard. The wrote a theme song for My Darling Stacy. I think my dad has one of their albums. That’s all I’ve got.

Billy Gibbons: I can’t believe we bought RAW. I love it. It’s just too bad we won’t have enough cash for beard combs this month.

Dusty Hill: Yes. There is that. You know, we’ve been WWE cans for a long time, and I’ve always wanted to fire WWE RAW Referee Charles Robison. Do you think we can make that happen? Let’s go fire Charles Robison!

Santino Marella: But wait-a! First you-a must let-a me join-a in your band-a! I have-a been wearing-a this weird-a beard all-a day long-a!

Billy: I don’t know, Santino.

Dusty: Ah, what the hell. It’s not like he’s any less stupid than Frank. You’re in. Do you know how to play keytar?

Santino: I practically-a invented the keytar-a!

Billy: Will you stand here while we recite a slam poetry version of “Cheap Sunglasses?”

Santino: Standing here-a is pretty much-a all I do-a these days-a!

Dusty: You know, Billy, I’m deeply disturbed by the lack of wrestling on this show.

Billy: The more time we take up now, the less likely it is we’ll have to book a women’s match.

Dusty: Oh yeah!

(ads)

Kofi Kingston, Primo Colon, and Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Jack Swagger, Carlito Colon, and The Big Show

This match is apparently brought to us by “Dave and Busters,“ which is what you get when you have a whole week without ads. Five of these guys are in the U.S. Title match, plus Miz and minus Primo. Lillian thinks that MVP stands for “Moldy Veiny Prunes,” which it does. Cole and Lawler argue that Kofi has no chance of winning the Six Pack Challenge at Night of Champions, but I think they’re forgetting that he is Shelton. Wait…I forget where I was going with that one. Anyway, what ever happened to Evan Bourne? Wasn’t he supposed to be in this match? Did he have to go back to TNA?

(ads)

I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t wait for next month’s follow-up from WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. 2005’s Songs in the Key of Doan was revolutionary, but Gettin’ Things Doan – The Life and Times of Jack Doan is supposed to be pretty amazing. Primo hits the flying head butt (what’s with all the Benoit references tonight?) on Carlito for the win. Well, it’s nice that they got that out of the way, but isn’t Primo not even in Sunday’s match? Show comes back into the ring and lays everybody out, including his partners. Which isn’t very polite. I hope Dave and Busters is proud of this match.

Backstage….

Dusty Hill: What did you say it was called again?

Billy Gibbons: Fuzzy?

Chris Jericho: Fozzy. Come on, man. We’re like…soul brothers or something!

Santino Marella: I guess-a you’re not-a as famous-a as you thought-a!

Dusty: Sorry, man. I loved Redemption Song, though.

Jericho: Yeah? Great.

Billy: I didn’t. So I’m going to make you fight Mark Henry again tonight.

Dusty: Now give me all your lovin’.

ZZ Top is…not the best acting troupe.

(ads)

The Brian Kendrick vs. The Jerry “” Lawler

The Spanky comes out and tells The Lawler to make sure The Chris Jericho knows how awesome he is, and The Jerry is not having any of it, so he gets in the ring. Is it time for his bi-annual random push over an actual wrestler already? Geez. It seems like just yesterday he was feuding with The Jericho. The Lawler wins with a fist drop, because somebody backstage hates The Spanky. And apparently, it’s The ZZ Top, and probably The Triple H too.

(ads)

WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by, in the crowd, with Alexis Laree. Err…I guess Seth Green was right. She is Mickie James. Who knew?

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here and I’m standing by with Ale…Mickie James? Really? That’s what we’re going with? Ok then. Mickie, I have to ask you, do you think you’ll be able to beat Maryse on Sunday after she pinned you last week?

Mickie James: Yes, Josh. You see, on Sunday it isn’t going to be a bikini match. It’s going to be wrestling, at which I am much better than her! So, you better watch out Maryse because I’m going after that…Diva’s Title? Ugh. Is it too late to ask to be traded to Smackdown?

The Miz: Mickie, it’s time for a reality check. I don’t know what I meant by that, I just wanted to say it. Because I’m the Miz, and I’m not so bad.

Mickie: I’ve touched Maryse’s groin more times than you ever have!

Miz: The truth hurts. But not as much as this!

And then Maryse jumps out of the crowd and sprays hairspray in Mickie’s face. Cole with the “Maurice” call! This is just like when Rick Martel battled Jake Roberts.

Backstage, Mark Henry is smiling creepily at a camera man.

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry

WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson is out there, so I guess ZZ Top hasn’t gotten to him yet. Henry with the Giant Swing, like he’s Eugene or something. Hey! There’s a gimmick Big Show hasn’t stolen from you! Jericho finally gets sick of this nonsense and just whacks Henry with a chair, but Henry no-sells it and throws him at Michael Cole, which is a fate worse than death. Jericho tries to respond with a Code Breaker, but just ends up getting slammed for his troubles. Didn’t…didn’t Chris get drafted off this show?

Backstage, Chavo is hanging out with ZZ Top.

Chavo Guerrero: Ok, what stupid crap do you have me doing tonight? Jobbing to Hersheyswithalmonds, again? Cool, man. Whatever.

Billy Gibbons: Now why would we do that? No, we’ve got a special match planned for you tonight.

Dusty Hill: A Sharp Dressed Man match.

Billy: Against Holeinone, of course.

Chavo: Of course.

Santino Marella: Looks like-a you should’ve-a convinced Vickie-a to stay-a!

Chavo: Why are you still back here?

Dusty: That’s a good question….

(ads)

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero


In a Sharp Dressed Man Match

And now, for the introduction to this match, Lillian Garcia.

Lillian Garcia: This is a…match? With…dress…the winner?

Oh, man, I’m going to miss her so much. Chavo, of course, has his pants sewn together as the random “Chavo Humiliation Tour 2009” continues unabated. Horny uses his “speed” and “agility” to strip Chavo of his top half, before Chavito finally gets sick of it all and starts whipping Hornswoggle with his jacket. Why didn’t Chavo just concede the pants and fight it out normally? I gues sI get my answer when Horny spends about a half hour taking off Chavo’s pants, and he runs around ringside covering up his boxers. As if I haven’t seen you wearing more revealing clothes a billion times before, Chavo!

Backstage…

John Cena: Yo, Hunter. Do you think we’re going to win tonight?

Triple H: Let’s see, John. We’ve the top two wrestlers in WWE, and we’re up again Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase and Randy Orton. If we don’t win, there’s something horribly wrong with us.

Cena: Omigod! What if there is something horribly wrong with us! What then?!

HHH: Given your new John Deere themed outfit, I’m beginning to wonder about that myself. Oh well, whatever. Just remember that on Sunday, I’m winning the Spinnin’ World Title.

Cena: And what if I win?

HHH: Then I have you traded to Smackdown and I get to beat up CM Punk for a couple months. Whichever.

(ads)

Backstage….

Billy Gibbons: Man, I used to love wrestling. What happened?

Dusty Hill: That’s a loaded question that we just don’t have time to answer. Let’s just say, this show has been a microcosm of that.

Billy: Did you just say “microcosm?” What’s gotten into you?

Dusty: I have to get out of this place!

Santino Marella: But-a you can’t-a leave! We-a haven’t done-a “Legs-a” parody yet-a!

Billy: Does Stacy still work here?

Santino: No-a! But Kelly Kelly-a Kelly Kelly-a does! (Satire Shout Out!)

Dusty: I’ll take it.

Kelly dances around for a while, then Alicia Fox, then Gail Kim, and Rosa Mendes. It’s nice to see them using the girls in such a pivotal role. Santino starts grinding against a chair, and at that point even ZZ Top is like, “We’re better than this.” So they bail.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are in the ring. Ok. Elsewhere….

Chris Jericho: Goddamn it, Mark Henry. Can’t you turn face against somebody else? Geez. I wasn’t even supposed to be on this show anymore.

Ted DiBiase: Hey, what’s up, loser? I can’t wait to beat you on Sunday.

Cody Rhodes: Yeah, who did you get to be your partner? Kung Funaki? WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda?

Jericho: Ugh. Guys, we’re all heels here. Can’t we just get along until Sunday?

DiBiase: Come on, man, you’re the only guy on the roster we can pick on right now.

Rhodes: Yeah. And we’re totally going to beat you on Sunday, because you don’t have a partner!

Jericho: Hey, you know who else didn’t have a partner going into one of these matches a few years ago? Ted DiBiase. And when he fought Bob Holly and Cody Rhodes, who do you think he revealed as his partner?

Rhodes: OH MAN! WHO?!

DiBiase: It was you, idiot! You were my mystery partner!

Rhodes: Surely you don’t mean to suggest that I would turn on The Lemony to do an awful repeat of history!

Jericho: Nope. I said that I wanted a good partner.

DiBiase: Oooh…Zing!

(ads)

Apparently, Shaq is in talks to buy RAW. Oh, man, I hope he hosts as Kazaam.

Kelly Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim vs. Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox

Lawler talks about their legs for a half hour, because it’s ZZ Top night. Kelly’s are the best, by the way. Kelly’s also the only person wrestling in sneakers again. There’s something weird going on there, and I’m not just talking about how Kelly’s slowly morphing into Torrie Wilson (seriously, check it out some time. It’s eerie. She‘s even stolen Torrie‘s whole moveset). Basically, the Divas stumble around the ring for a while, and then Alicia wins it with a roll-up. In the ropes, but whatever. I don’t think anybody cares. Heh. King even calls the ropes. Way to pay attention, Jerry!

(ads)

ZZ Top comes out and waves goodbye to the crowd. I’m sorry, I can’t tell if the car they’re in is one of their famous cars or not. And I don’t really care enough to find out. I feel horrible about that, but…eh.

The Lemony vs. Triple H and John Cena


In a Handicap Match



Randy Orton looks genuinely surprised when Lillian says “Handicap Match.” This is either because: 1) He is Randy Orton or 2) Because Lillian Garcia is actually right, this is indeed a handicap match. Hunter with an hour long suplex on Cody. I can’t believe ZZ Top didn’t want to stick around for this thrilling action. Basically, The Lemony cannot do anything right, and Cena and Hunter stand around the ring screaming and pointing at random people in the crowd during the entire first half of the match. Get your head in the game, Couchy!

(ads)

DiBiase in control out of the break and…Er…Wait. Never mind. Oh, ok! Orton finally takes control of Hunter with a CHINLOCK~! That’s how you do things, boys. I can’t wait until five years from now, when Cody and Ted can take what they’ve learned from Orton, and main event Wrestlemania with forty minutes of chinlocks. It’ll be the ECW title match, but still. Things go crazy go nuts for a little while, until Hunter is able to shepherd Cody and Ted away from the ring. Orton lines up the boot to the head, but Cena wins with a roll-up, which…What is this, a Diva’s match? After the match, Cena and Hunter share an uncomfortable hug while Randy tries to steal ZZ Top’s car. I wonder how he’ll get along with Shaq.

Next Week: Shaquille O’Neal dunks Santino Marella. Also, new WWE Spinnin’ Champion Triple H spends an entire hour just staring longingly at Shaq’s biceps. Also, Chris Jericho reveals his new tag team partner: Zack Ryder.


World of Warcraft Wednesday: Icecrown

July 23, 2009 World of Warcraft No comments

Places of Interest

Icecrown Citadel
The Argent Tournament
Crusader’s Pinacle
Death’s Rise
The Shadow Vault
Argent Vanguard
The Skybreaker
Orgrim’s Hammer

Ah Icecrown. It’s the zone that pretty much everything in Northrend leads you up to, and it plops you right at the gates of Icecrown Citadel, the home of the Lich King himself. Only…That’s pretty much it right now. As of this writing, the Citadel instance hasn’t been patched in, and most of the quests in the zone just stop dead once you get here.

That’s not to say it’s not worth going through, even though you’ll already be 80 by the time you get here. There are a lot of awesome questlines in the zone, including some fun group quests, the Argent Tournament dailies (which are huge money for not a lot of effort), and a number of really interesting character development quests, including one that really gives you a feel for Arthas’ story, and another which takes you on a tour of every continent in WoW trying to find a cure for the Scourge.

Mining: Saronite, Titanium. There are a handful of regularily occurring Titanium nodes in Icecrown that should be mined whenever you see them. Otherwise, Saronite is all over the damn place, and is pretty easy to come by. With a flying mount and a little time, you’ll be up to your ears in Saronite every time you pass through Icecrown.

Herbalism: Lichbloom, Icethorn, Frost Lotus. Great selling herbs, but a lot of them are in awkward places. They’ll put a Lichbloom node right in the path of Chillmaw, or in the middle of twenty elite scourge, or other inconvenient places. Still, it’s as good a place as any to pick up herbs for your flask brewing.

Cloth: Frostweave. Just about every damn mob north of the Wrath Gate drops Frostweave, and in fairly large amounts. Just doing the Argent Tournament dailies, you’ll probably pick up a stack of the stuff. It’s a great place to grind it out if you don’t mind facing higher level mobs to get it.

Leather: Borean Leather, Nerubian Chitin, Arctic Fur. Nerubian Chitin is at a premium a bit, because Icecrown and the instance Azjol-Nerub are the only places you can farm it. So definitely pick it up if you’re farming and in the area, as you’ll probably need some for leatherwork, or can sell it for a pretty good price in the auction house.

Icecrown is a zone that feels suitably epic. It looks great, it’s crawling with mobs (as you’d expect), and some of the quest lines are really rewarding. But it’s also the most incomplete zone in the game. When you get to the end of the dailies, and you’re *just* about to take the last step to attack Arthas or reclaim Scourgeholm, or fend off the Vykrul, then the quest line ends and you’re left in limbo. Now that’s all going to be fixed in a patch in a few months, when they roll out Arthas and crew, of course, but doing it right now it feels empty, and that’s too bad, because later this year, Icecrown is going to be pretty damn cool.

The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition Review

July 21, 2009 Video Games No comments

As I stated last week, Lucas Arts has undergone something of a transformation in recent months, foregoing their planned release schedule of “A Star Wars Game Every Five Days” to expand their portfolio to include a few LucasArts Classics. The first game to come from the reinvention is a remake of The Secret of Monkey Island.

Now, perhaps I’m not the best judge of this game. I love the Monkey Island series like no other game. Some of my best memories as a child were firing up the old floppy disks of this game. But LucasArts has done a pretty incredible job of staying faithful to the old game. In fact, the new graphics engine is running over the top of the old CD version, and you can switch between the two at will by pressing F10, just to see how things used to be.

There’s not much “new” to the game. They did a really nice job painting over the scenery, though the characters aren’t particularly well done, the backgrounds are great. There’s also a hint system for people who need it. The biggest change, of course, is the addition of voice acting, including Dominic D’Armato as Guybrush Threepwood. In all, the voice work is excellent, though I will say that I wish there was an option to have the voices during the old style game.

The biggest issue with the update is the control scheme. While their toolbar is based off the old SCUMM system that adventure gamers will be used to, the update is built to be shared between the PC and the X-Box, so the menus are button activated and hidden from the main screen. The problem with this is that trying to play the game is incredibly frustrating.

To choose an action, you either need to pull up the menu with the Ctrl key, or scroll through them with the mouse (which isn’t terribly accurate). Using items in the inventory is even less effective, since you need to choose your action, open the inventory, choose the item, and then use it. To combine two items in your inventory, you need to do this all twice, which makes the grog ferrying quest exceedingly frustrating.

Extra Features:

The option to play the game in both “new” mode or the classic CD mode is nice, though the CD mode is missing a few jokes that were present in the floppy version. The X-Box Live version of this game has achievements.

Technical:

A few notable bugs hamper the experience somewhat. The hotzone for the cursor in the inventory and dialog is about a half-inch below the actual choice, which makes selecting items or lines a bit of a process, especially during insult swordfighting. Also, in the X-Box Live edition, a variable is off in the inventory, causing the “treasure map” and “Melee PTA minutes” tooltips to be switched, and Guybrush to read his pieces of eight backwards (742 when you actually have 247, for example).

Graphics:

The characters range from being extremely well animated (Herman Toothrot looks pretty perfect), to intentionally bad (Stan basically hasn’t changed from the pixel days), to weird. Specifically Guybrush looks terrible, mostly because his hair looks more like an art-deco piece than the actual windswept pony-tail he has in the other games.

The background art is extremely well done, once you get off Melee. Melee Island looks almost half complete. Like they didn’t have time to finish updating parts of the forest or main town. However, once you get on the Sea Monkey and to Monkey Island, things look pretty incredible. Switching back and forth between the old version and the update really gives you an appreciation for how much updating they did to Monkey Island, and it looks great.

Sound:

The voice-over work is, on a whole, pretty great. There’s a ton of dialog, and most of it’s really lovingly voiced, even though there are some weird readings. Guybrush has a weird echo sometimes, and Herman doesn’t sound quite right. I do like that they voiced the insults twice, one type for when you’re right and one for when you’re wrong, it’s a cool little touch they didn’t have to do.

Just a suggestion, though, is to turn the text scrolling way up. The voice-overs follow the rules set by the text scrolling in the old version, which means that there’s some really unnatural pauses between the dialog even in the voiced version. This can make Insult Swordfighting really excruciating.

The music is updated from the original midi, but mostly cobbled from a collection of Michael Land’s other work on the Monkey Island series. Not to say that I don’t appreciate it though, because it’s really a wonderful collection of songs that changes dynamically based on what’s going on.

Replay Value:

You can play through both modes if you’d like, and there are two endings. The best reason to play through it though, is the sheer volume of hidden dialog in this game. What you see in one run-through isn’t half of what’s actually in the game. There is literally hours of one-off, hidden jokes that one simply cannot experience in one playthrough.

Final Score: 9/10

The first Monkey Island is kind of like the first Star Wars. It’s nobody’s favorite. Everybody will argue endlessly over whether Empire or Return was the best of the series, but everybody will tell you how much they loved the first. Monkey Island deserved the re-make treatment, and it’s still an awesome game made even better, but people are still going to be arguing about the trippy, more dramatic LeChuck’s Revenge or the cartoony, more devil-may-care Curse for all time (and for the record, I’m Team Curse).

The update could have been better, of course. The menu system is terrible, I’m still not sold on the X-Box control scheme, and I’m even more pained to see the mock-ups the “Curse” artist did of what Monkey Island: Special Edition would’ve looked like with *that* engine. It’s beautiful. That having been said, this is definitely a worthwhile upgrade.

If you’ve never played the original, or if you haven’t played it in a while, you really have to do yourself a favor and pick this up. Especially since LucasArts has basically admitted that they’re testing the waters with this game to see if working on the adventure IPs is something they want to do again. And I’d take a new adventure series over the billionth Star Wars games any day.

YouTube Monday: To the Moon!

July 20, 2009 YouTube No comments

It was 40 years ago today that man landed on the moon, and while I was going to link up some archival footage here to celebrate, YouTube taped an old episode of “Charles in Charge” over it. And as much as I love Scott Baio….

Anyway, here’s something else that’s cool. A bunch of high res pictures of moon stuff with classical music. Enjoy.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for July 12th – 18th, 2009

July 20, 2009 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Things at NASA Are All Fucked Up. Apparently, the past few years have been hell at NASA, who’ve been scouring the world for worthwhile clips to show of the moon landing. See, apparently, somebody taped over the official recording of it. Err…Well, played? That episode of Ghost Whisperer wasn’t even worth it! And now we don’t have the moon landing footage. Nice job, guys.

2. Erin Andrews Stays at Hotels. A video that’s been bouncing around the internet for five months, apparently, caught fire when a few sites noticed that the girl in them is actually ESPN analyst/hottie Erin Andrews. The video was taken through some kind of hole in Andrews’ hotel wall, which is tres creepy, and basically shows her standing around naked. The whole idea is pretty gross, but Andrews’ crack legal team came out and admitted it was her, which is pretty dumb. Just be glad I didn’t make the easy “Road to Gloryhole” joke here.

3. Harry Potter Is Still Kind of a Big Deal. Neither Voldemort nor Ron Weasley’s case of H1N1 could stop Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince from dominating the box office this week. The sixth Potter flick took in an obscene $160 million this weekend, thereby securing that none of these kids will have another successful acting gig ever.

4. Paula Is Finally Off American Idol. Her management has said that a contract offer is not forthcoming for the constantly zoned-out Paula, who was lovable enough on the show, but never really offered anything valuable. The writing was on the wall for her when Kara DioGuardi stepped in this year. Simon Cowell will probably be back, though I think he’s getting sick doing this when he could be out getting into a “committed relationship” with another model.

5. DRM Is Officially Dead. In an interview this week, the RIAA’s spokesman Johnathan Lamy said that the organization was no longer pushing the security restriction for digital music after many companies (most notably Apple) began to refuse to use it due to customer concerns. All this in the same week when the company behind Kazaa announced that they were relaunching as a paid content service, which has worked soooo well for Napster.

RAW Satire for 7/13/09

July 16, 2009 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase spent at least 20 of those dollars to buy RAW, and not put his son in the Main Event. John Cena and Triple H managed to wrestle to a draw in a match that might not have even happened yet. Also: for no reason, Rob Van Dam. Who will show up for no reason…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hey, it’s Triple H, and he’s getting a huge ovation because…I don’t know. Maybe he’s sleeping with everybody in the crowd. Hunter asks if everybody’s been sleeping under a rock, and to be honest…yeah. I have. So what, you want to fight about it, Hunter? Shut up.

Triple H: I have no idea when this show is taking place, so I won’t even bother recapping stuff you probably haven’t seen yet. So instead, I’m just going to bring out our new owner. It’s…Seth Green? That can’t be right.

Seth Green: Nope, it’s right. I bought it off Ted DiBiase for a limited edition Catra action figure and $14 in quarters. Anyway, you guys don’t have anything to worry about, you’re in good hands. I love wrestling and I read the internet. It’s going to be fine.



HHH: Ugh. I hate you already. What the hell do you do, exactly anyway?

Green: What do you mean? Besides owning RAW? I was in all the Austin Powers movies, I was on Buffy and Family Guy. I have my own production company which makes Robot Chicken, a show which you’re on-

HHH: No!

Green: Yeah! You came in and read lines and everything. Uh…what did you think you were doing in that studio reading about how you were beating up Dakota Fanning?

HHH: Recording a birthday card for Vince?

Green: I’m also Joker in the hit video game Mass Effect.

HHH: The internet? Video games? Professional wrestling? UGH! RAW has gone to the nerds!

Randy Orton: Indoubly! Steph Greed, I am well awash of your works! And I have to spray, Foley Got Figured and Squealing Harper are two of my Flavo-Rite movies! Though I must spray! ow you got Droop Buriedfloor to marry you is asspounding.

Green: What in the world did Randy just say to me?

HHH: It’s a…uh….

Green: I seriously did not understand a word this guy just said.

Orton: You don’t understate me?! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and hoster of the WIDE Girl’s Chocolatechip, and-

Green: Let me stop you right there, buddy. Girl’s Chocolate chip? What are you talking about? First of all, that’s clearly the “Spinnin’” Title you have there. And secondly, it’s Championship. Sound it out. Chaaaaaampionship.”

HHH: Listen here, Step…Seth, you don’t just come in here and say things like that. You’re going to get yourself killed. He’s watching!

Green: Who? The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker? Oh, yeah. That’s right. I know about that guy. What’s up with that anyway? Why are all you guys so afraid of a voice that shoots fireworks? Oh no! Maybe he’s going to turn the lights off! You know, I’m really starting to rethink my purchase of this show.

HHH: I’ve got a bad feeling about tonight.

Green: Well prepare for it to get worse, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned watching Vince McMahon’s stupid ass for the past few years, it’s that the only good reason to own a wrestling show is to put yourself in the main event. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do. It’s going to be me, Triple H and John Cena taking on The Legacy right here tonight! And also, girls in bikinis! Woo!

HHH: Oh my God! Who is The Legacy?! Some evil stable that has yet to reveal itself on RAW, but through some contrivance of the gap in the space time continuum last week only you know about?

Green: Uh…no. It’s Randy Orton? Ted DiBiase Jr.? Cody Rhodes? You know? “The Legacy?”

HHH: Do you mean The Lemony?

Orton: Insoothe, I thinker he does!

Green: Don’t tell me you actually meant for it to be called “The Lemony?” What does that even mean?

HHH: I just thought it had to do with how nice they smelled.

Orton: The secret is Lice oil.

Green: I hate this show.

(ads)

Some Band is at ringside. Nice to see you guys! That reminds me, I’m still waiting for CM Punk to hook me up with Paramore. CM Punk reads this, right? What am I saying. He has to. What with all the extra time he has not drinking or doing drugs.

Kelly Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, and Alexis Laree vs. Maryse, Alicia Fox, and Rosa Mendez

Cole and Lawler spend about twenty minutes obsessing over the fact that Kelly is the only one in this match wearing shoes, which is either another dig at Hulk Hogan (for some reason), a weirdly misplaced foot fetish, or they realize that this match is going to be really boring and are desperate to turn it into the story of the match. Or maybe Kelly has Athlete’s Foot. Cole with a “Maurice” ten seconds into the match. That girl has an incredible torso, by the way. I wonder how Gail Kim feels about all of this. Maryse sneaks in a DDT on Alexis for the win. It’s too bad Maryse is a girl, because she’s honestly the best wrestler on the roster right now.

Backstage, Seth Green is making out with Lobot.

Seth Green: Oh, Lobot, nobody on this show understands how stupid this all is. Look at that last segment? Why is Kelly wearing shoes?! And why did Maryse pin Alexis when the whole feud is about how much better Alexis is than Maryse?! And why is everybody still calling her Alexis when she’s been Mickie James for, like, five years now?

Chris Jericho: I understand you. I have been telling people about the ridiculousness that happens every week on Monday Night RAW ever since I came back. But nobody listens to me. Nobody will see that wrestling is serious business and that it deserves to be treated as such!

Green: Chris Jericho! Big fan! Yeah, I’ve heard all about your campaign to make this show better. I also heard that you got drafted over to Smackdown and never wanted to be on RAW again, so why are you here?

Jericho: Uh…Well, the Undisputed Tag Team Champions are expected to appear on every show. Except ECW, of course.

Green: Of course. But Edge’s knee exploded, so you’re not the tag champs anymore, right?

Jericho: Actually, on a technicality, I’m the WWE Tag Team Champions. By myself. At least until I find a partner.

Green: I don’t know. That sounds a little cockamamie to me. Why don’t you just go back and feud with Miz on Twitter and forget about RAW for a while?

Jericho: NOBODY ASKED YOU! I’ve got to go find a tag team partner so I can keep appearing on all the shows. Except ECW.

The Brian Kendrick: Hey! I’m still looking for a tag team partner!

Jericho: Anybody but you!

Tough Enough Jessie: I thought The Spanky would make a good partner! WAAAAH!

Green: Ugh. I knew I should’ve bought the Home Run Derby instead.

(ads)

Primo Colon vs. The Miz

Miz says “Colons” which makes me giddy. Of course, he also hits his awesome catchphrase (“I’m The Miz, and also a client!”), so this match is off to a good start. Carlito comes out, and I have to admit, I’m impressed by his dedication to growing better facial hair than Primo. At least he’s trying at something. Miz with the Reality Check, or whatever they’re calling it now, for the win. After the match, Carlito spits in Primo’s face and Lawler goes into sympathy spasms. Remember when they tried to have this feud when Primo debuted on a completely different show than Carlito. That was pretty cool.

Hey, you want to see Edge’s tendons? Here’s a sneak peak!

(ads)

Backstage….

Seth Green: Why in the hell did I book Primo in a match? I should’ve known that crap was coming. Ugh. I feel like blowing a PPV match tonight. What do you think it should be, Hornswoggle?

Hornswoggle: ….

Green: Come on, man. You’re not really some kind of weird leprechaun. You’re a guy like me. Hell, another couple inches and you’d be as tall as me!

Hornswoggle: Nobody’s ever gotten my name right before!

Green: Aw, really? I’m sorry. It must really suck to work in this place.

Hornswoggle: Huh? Yeah. Living under the ring is no picnic either. But…um…I think I’m supposed to grant you a wish. Or spin straw into gold. Or something?

Green: No! No! You’re not magic, you’re just a guy! Why is that so hard to understand?

Big Show: Hey, Seth! I’m keeping all my gimmicks from Mark Henry, so do you want to see my impression of Fat Bastard?

Green: Austin Powers jokes? Really, Show? Aren’t we past that?

Show: Get in mah bellay! I want mah baby back baby back baby back ribs! Ahahahahaha! One million dollars! Heh!

Green: That last one wasn’t even Fat Bastard! Come on, man, get out of here before you embarrass us both. More.

Show: Ok, fine, but can I have a match against Evan Bourne?

Green: Sure. Whatever.

Hornswoggle: Here, I’ve conjured up some wrestling boots for you to wear tonight. Enjoy.

Green: I said…wait…how in the hell did you do that? There’s no such thing as magic.

Hornswoggle: Isn’t there, Seth? Isn’t there?

Green: NO!

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Jack Swagger

Way to blow a potential PPV match, Seth. Didn’t we just go over the fact that Swagger refused to fight MVP last week? So why are we at this again? Multiple Varied Plots! So, the story of the match is that Swagger isn’t afraid of MVP. Cole and Lawler debate MVP’s criminal record, while Swagger makes faces at Lillian Garcia. Hasn’t she left yet? And do you suppose WWE would hire me to replace her? I know most of these people’s names!

(ads)

I actually sort of miss when Swagger was on ECW and I wouldn’t have to put up with him ever. There’s something about this guy that bothers me. It’s probably the singlet. Well, either that or I’m jealous of his hilarious hair. MVP hits the Ballin’ Elbow, while Seth Green is being lulled to sleep backstage. At least he doesn’t have to marry Hornswoggle now! Isn’t it too bad that Freddie Prinze Jr. quit before Seth Green bought RAW? They could have caught up on their Sarah Michelle Gellar Prinze Jr. gossip! Swagger wins with a power bomb. Wait…what?

Backstage, Chris Jericho looks sad and lonely. Aw. Don’t worry, I bet Edge will send you one of his ligaments!

(ads)

Now Jericho’s in the ring! Yay!

Chris Jericho: I never realized what a fragile baby Edge was until his knee fell off during that time warp thing that was going around last week. It’s come to my attention, and it’s right, that I don’t even want to be on this show. While Smackdown features great athletes, somewhat sensical storylines and a modicum of people engaged in serious business, RAW is…well, it’s RAW. But as one whole of the WWE Tag Team Champions, I have to pick a partner and defend the titles, and doing that forces me to be on this show occasionally. But I’m not going to pick any old partner, I want somebody who is smart, loyal, and most of all, doesn’t get injured every five seconds.

Mark Henry: Hey, Chris, that sounds like a great new gimmick! What do you think? Can I be your partner?

Jericho: Sure. Hey, we can be Chris and the Stank!

Henry: Yeah! And my new gimmick is that I’m a huge liar.

Then Mark proceeds to strip Jericho down to his tie, which is…another new gimmick, I guess?

Mark Henry vs. Chris Jericho

So now it’s a match! Jericho’s wrestling in pants and dress shoes, so I’m guessing next on his agenda is trying to guess Hornswoggle’s real name. The announcers let us in on the fact that Seth Green made this match because he was sick of the lack of wrestling on this show. Though somehow, I don’t think this is going to help. And sure enough, after ten seconds of exciting action, Jericho bails to find a show that truly appreciates him. Mark Henry celebrates by dancing with the crowd which is another new gimmick. That’s three in one match! Take that, Big Show!


(ads)

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero


In a Chavo’s Got One Hand Tied Behind His Back Match

Do you think Chavo’s sick of being WWE’s Go To Humiliation Guy yet? At least when Vickie was around he got to wear a suit while he was humiliated. The rope that ties up his hand works about as well as it normally does for these things, which is to say, not at all. Hornswoggle goes through his best list of late ‘90s X-Pac based offense, and then beats Chavo with a roll-up. Hey! Maybe Seth does have a chance tonight. After all, he’s a couple inches taller than Horny, and Randy Orton is a worse wrestler than Chavo!

Backstage….

Cody Rhodes: Guys! WWE Mobile said that my dad, Dusty, might try to buy RAW next week!

Ted DiBiase: Since when has WWE Mobile ever been right about anything?

Cody: They did say that Kelly Kelly Kelly had some sort of foot fungus, and look what happened tonight!


DiBiase: Ew.

Randy Orton: Todd, Couchy, I have something impotent to ask of you. Do I speaker funnily? Am I heard to understate?

Cody: Uh…No, Randy. We understate you perfectly.

DiBiase: Yeah. And I think you’re very impotent to the…er…Lemony. Which is an awesome name for our group.

Orton: You hear that Steph Greed? I AM Impotent! Guys, hams off him. To fight, I’m going to teach Steph the meandering of the word…DESTINY~!

(ads)

Evan Bourne vs. The Big Show

Kofi Kingston is on commentary, and he’s Shelton there too, not offering anything of note. Actually, that’s a little harsh, because he’s clearly struggling with his faux Jamaican accent the whole time, so it’s hard to put any salient points out there. Show basically throws Evan around for five minutes and then chokes him out for the win. Michael Cole dubs his new finisher the “Colossal Clutch” which sounds like a 80 oz. Slurpee or something, but I’m willing to go with it. Kofi doesn’t seem very impressed, but that’s hard to do when you’re buzzed out of your mind. Hey! When did RAW get a black referee? What’s this guy’s name so I give him the WWE RAW Referee title?

This is as good a place as any to give a shout out to Ken Anderson for his Satire shout out a couple weeks ago. Thanks, Ken. And Go Badgers. BADGERS!



(ads)



Backstage….

Santino Marella: I like-a to play with-a the action figures-a too! Let me-a go get-a my Go-Bots-a, and we-a can pretend-a this Triple H-a action figure-a is Megan Fox-a!

Seth Green: That sounds…awesome, Santino. Hey, what ever happened to you? You used to be cool and funny, but now you’re…not.

Santino: I broke-a up with-a the Beth Phoenix-a, and they-a lost interest-a in me!

Green: That’s too bad. Well, good luck with the action figures, man.

Triple H: Megan Fox, huh? I’m way hotter than that piece. So, what’s going on? Getting ready for the big main event?

Green: Yeah. If anybody from their team sells for me, I’m fining them $500. You guys really need to take this more seriously.

HHH: Oh, come on, you’re at least half as athletic as Jay Leno.

John Cena: Hey guys! What’s up? I came in to do a rap about Seth Green owning RAW a-

Green: Look, brother, did you know I was on Beverly Hills 90210? The old one? Well, I was. I was, like, eight, but it happened. So I know a little something about what you’re doing here, and I appreciate it. I really do. But, I’m not going to have any white people rapping horribly on my show, you got that?

Cena: What a buzz kill this guy turned out to be. Way to buy RAW, jackass.

HHH: Tell me about it. Can you believe that he told me that I’m on RAW too much? The nerve!

Green: I wonder if any random celebrities would like to buy this crap off me?

Billy Gibbons: Son, “Random Celebrity Who Buys Crap” is on my business card.

Green: HOLY CRAP IT’S GANDOLF!

Gibbons: Uh….Yeah. You Shall Not Pass On this Deal!

(ads)

Seth-

(ads)

Seth Green, Triple H, and John Cena vs. The Lemony

They shelled out for Seth to use “Welcome to the Jungle” as his theme for somet reason. I’m guessing this episode never makes it onto a DVD. Seth tags in and gets off a punch on Cody who completely no-sells it and chases him around the ring until he’s ambushed by Hunter. I thought Randy said not to touch Seth, Couchy! You better check yourself. Things go back and forth for a while, until Seth tries to break up a pinfall and almost gets punted in the head by Orton. Sadly, Cena breaks this up. Look, I have nothing against Seth Green. In fact, I’m looking forward to Mass Effect 2, but I still wanted to see him get punted in the head. You know, I kind of wish he would’ve booked himself in a death match against Amber Benson here. Anyway, The Lemony breaks up the festivities with chairs, which Hunter counters with a sledgehammer, which he playfully swings at John Cena’s neck. And Seth…has clearly had enough of this nonsense.

Next Week: ZZ Top buys RAW, leading to about nine pages of beard-related jokes. Plus, Jack Swagger fights Maryse in the best crossover feud ever! And Chris Jericho sinks to new depths in his search for one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions, when he calls Lance Storm to see what that guy’s been up to.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Storm Peaks

July 16, 2009 World of Warcraft No comments

Places of Interest

Ulduar
Halls of Stone
Halls of Lighting
K3
Frosthold
Grom’arsh Crash-Site
Bouldercrag’s Refuge

The Storm Peaks are another interesting case of “This is a zone you may never really see.” It’s tucked away in the far corner of Northrend, questing in the other zones will probably have already gotten you to 80, and unless you’re into the dailies or raids, then there’s no real reason to visit Storm Peaks except for a couple achievements, pointless attempts at farming the Time-Lost Proto-Drake, or because you got lost on the way to Icecrown. And unless you’ve got the money to have your flight training, then you’re SOL, because most of the zone is only accessible by air.

Don’t make the mistake of skipping the zone however, even if you don’t really quest there or do the instances. Storm Peaks is kind of the height of Blizzard’s art in WoW, I think, and it’s really a zone you have to pass through at least once just to see it. From the sweeping Titan architecture dotting the landscape, to the cool and subtle mountain formations, to one of the more unique player bases in the game, the Alliance town of Frosthold, Storm Peaks is easily one of my favorite zones in WoW right now.

Mining: Cobalt, Saronite, Titanium. Standard fair here now. The Cobalt is along the Crystalsong/Zul’Drak/Storm Peaks border, and everything else is in the zone proper. It’s worth a buzz-through for titanium seekers.

Herbalism: Lichbloom, Icethorn, Frost Lotus. All great high level herbs, all in fairly good supply here, but it’s a tough sell, because they all spawn in one circuit through the zone, and pretty much everybody knows it, so expect some competition while you’re out gathering.

Cloth: Frostweave. The drops are honestly not as high as you might think, but there are a number of mobs, especially in the vykrul areas that will drop some cloth if you’re in the area questing.

Leather: Borean Leather, Arctic Fur. Everybody loves skinning in Stormpeaks. Partly because the worms are easy to kill and have good drops, partly because the worgs in the area have a tremendously fast respawn time, and partly because the rhinos are fun to kill. There’s more/better variety elsewhere, but you’ll get plenty of leather fast here.

Like I said, I love Storm Peaks. I love the huge ruins that make it feel like you’re seeing the last vestiges of some long dead civilization. I like the quests that have you switching allegiances every few seconds just to fuck with Arthas, and mostly I just love flying around and seeing a zone that actually feels massive in scale. Unfortunately, most of those aren’t really good reasons to come or stick around, Storm Peaks is kind of a dead zone. Unless, that is, you want to camp for days at a time for that 2% chance that you’ll see a Time-Lost Proto-Drake that you can snag.

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