Archive for September 2009

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 3

September 30, 2009 NFL No comments

1. New York Giants
Last Week: 1
They had the game so well in hand that David Carr played. Let me reiterate that. David Carr took snaps this week. That’s a team that’s riding high.

2. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week 2
Ray Rice broke his consecutive games without a touchdown streak this week, finally breaking through the end zone. Join us in three years when he does it again.

3. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 3
It was bound to happen some time, the Saints offense got completely derailed this week, though they ended up winning the game. I’d just like to take the time to blame it on Kim Kardasian.

4. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 5
Peyton Manning put on another show, but Adam Vinatieri’s struggles are concerning. The guy has been clutch when it counts, but eventually they’re going to need him to score at the beginning and middle of the games too.

5. New York Jets
Last Week: 6
The New York Titans defeated the Houston Oilers this week, in a really sloppy game. Still, it’s easy to see why Jets fans are excited about Mark Sanchez.

6. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 7
Favre really Favred that one. By all rights, the game shouldn’t have been that close. The Vikings receivers dropped way too many balls, and the defense was apathetic, but that’s nothing new. They came through when it really mattered, though.

7. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 11
Kevin Kolb performed at a remarkably high level…against the Kansas City Chiefs. So, let’s temper our enthusiasm a little bit. And hey, Michael Vick.

8. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 8

They’re going to be without Frank Gore for a while, but Mike Singletary has this team built to fight. They put themselves in a position to beat a playoff team, and in a year or two, they’ll win those games.

9. New England Patriots
Last Week: 10
A bit of a bounce back, including the discovery of a running game. But it’s still clear that they’re not quite back up to the level that they have been the past few seasons.

10. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 4
Every team’s going to have some bad games, and in the end, the Falcons will be fine. The biggest concern is all the penalties that drove them out of contention.

11. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 9
I didn’t think they’d miss Troy Polamalu *this* much. They’ve lost two winnable games in a row, but with the exception of a few winnable games down the stretch, the schedule only gets tougher from here on out.

12. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 12
The Cowboys got lucky, taking a win from the suddenly hapless Panthers, after a first half where they couldn’t do anything. The defense looked better, at least.

13. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 14
Let’s face it. It was just the Rams, but the Packers still did what they had to do to improve. Their offensive line is going to need to be a lot better if they want to beat Jared Allen and the Vikings.

14. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 15
They might very well be the worst 3-0 team in NFL history, but they’re sitting in pretty damn good position to win their division. Maybe Josh McDaniels isn’t such a bad coach after all.

15. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 16
Chicago’s win over Seattle was barely noticed on Sunday, but they’re a steadily improving team. But one that’s going to have to open up the running game for Matt Forte sooner rather than later.

16. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 22
It’s a little difficult to feel safe about the Chargers in any game. But Rivers is moving the ball well, and developing a good rhythm with Vincent Jackson.

17. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 13
Seneca Wallace is a fine stopgap, but the Seahawks aren’t going anywhere without Hasselbeck back in the lineup. They’re also not going anywhere with those lime jerseys. Leave that for the Oregon Ducks, guys.

18. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 17
Those who had Week 3 in the “T.O. Suddenly Realizes He’s in Buffalo Playing with Trent Edwards” pool: Step forward and claim your prize.

19. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 23
Little by little, they’re recapturing 60-70% of that magic they had a few years ago. We’ll see if Ochocinco’s hot pink accessories help him get some targets to go along with his fines next week.

20. Houston Texans
Last Week: 18
In coverage, they’re still sloppy, and no messages written on their shoes can help that. And their run defense? Actually managed to be worse.

21. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 19
How the mighty have fallen. The Titans, who ripped off ten straight to open last season, haven’t found a way to win this year. And Kerry Collins is starting to look his age.

22. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 20
Speaking of looking their age, a couple more weeks like this and Kurt Warner is going to bitching about his weird beard in a rocking chair with Emmitt Smith. If only he could throw against his own defense.

23. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 21
There is some talk about letting Robert Gallery’s beard start at quarterback for the Raiders at some point this season. And I have to admit, I think the beard would have a lot more touch than Jamarcus Russell.

24. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 24
It’s nice to see the Dolphins reverting to form this year. I can’t wait to see that intense Chad Henne/Tyler Thigpen battle over who gets to start for a UFL expansion franchise next season.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 27
The Jags actually won a game! And I bet they win at least one more before a lineman steps on Maurice Jones-Drew, and they have to rely on the arm of David Garrard to win games.

26. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 31
THEY DID IT! THEY DID IT! THE LIONS HAVE WON A GAME! Leave it to Washington to bail out the Fords.

27. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 28
Jake Delhomme’s statlines are starting to look a lot better, but the guy has clearly given up mentally. He and Julius Peppers should take naps together during TV time outs.

28. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 29
There was a rumor going around this week that the Chief’s entire playbook has been junked a few times already, and that neither Brodie Croyle nor Tyler Thigpen has any idea what’s going on week to week. Which sums up the offensive juggernaught that is that Kansas City Chiefs pretty well.

29. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 26
This has to be the most embarrassing loss any of these players have experienced in their careers. The thought of failing to keep up with the second losingest team in NFL history was so bad, Albert Haynesworth’s ass gave out on him.

30. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 30
So…I guess Derek Anderson isn’t the answer at quarterback either? What about letting Josh Cribbs take some snaps? I’m only half kidding there.

31. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 32
They hung in with Green Bay for most of the game, which is way more than I thought they’d do. Credit where credit is due: They’re fighting harder than any team that will end up 2-14 would normally do.

32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 25
I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, they almost made the playoffs last year. But the Bucs are just terrible. Looking down their schedule for the rest of the season I don’t see a game I think they’ll win, no matter who their quarterback is.

YouTube Monday: SNL Is Really Not Interesting

September 28, 2009 YouTube No comments

The big story out of Saturday Night Live this weekend? Not Megan Fox being a terrible actress (everybody already knew that), no it was new cast member Jenny Slate dropping the F-Bomb. Now she won’t be fired over this, but it’s still pretty funny.

And also the most interesting thing to happen on SNL since they were on a boat.

What is it with YouTube and people videotaping their TV lately? This is literally the most annoying new thing on YouTube.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for September 20-26th, 2009

September 28, 2009 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. They’re Coming to America. Inviting hostile foreign leaders to a chili cookout in New York City was either a great step towards bridging the gap that exists between Europe and America and the Middle East and Southeast Asia, or…it was the worst idea for a slumber party ever. I’ll let you know once Iran raids the White House’s kitchen and steals all the Thin Mints.

2. Hey Roman Polanski! Why Don’t You Come to the “Premier” of Your New “Movie.” Director Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland (really? I thought those guys didn’t do this kind of thing) on a sexual predator case filed in the U.S. thirty years ago, which he’d successfully been dodging by living in France and telling everybody that he was living in France. They would’ve gotten to him sooner, but Chris Hanson was busy in the ’80s and ’90s, ok?

3. Predicting College Football Is a Futile Effort. Between about half the top ten teams dropping horrible, inconsequential games (You lost to Washington, USC?) and major stars either getting hurt (Sam Bradford falling apart, Tim Tebow getting a heavenly concussion) or just not playing very well (Javod Best averaging ten inches per carry), basically nobody knows what the fuck is going on in college football. And that’s why I love it.

4. I’ll Never Understand British Pop Music. British Pop Songstress Lilly Allen (best known for getting topless at literally every social gathering in London) opened up her own “Copyright Law” blog this week, which sent the internet into a tizzy, because, amongst other things, you can see Lilly Allen’s nipples on the Internet. Also, because I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what “Copyright Law” is. Oh, and also because she admits to having illegally file shared herself.

5. AT&T and Google Need to Play Nice. It’s the slapfight of the century! Google claiming that AT&T’s business practices are keeping competition out of the marketplace. AT&T claiming that Google’s blocking calls which is a clear violation of their stance on Net Neutrality. Google claiming that AT&T’s momma so fat! It’s a circlejerk of stupidity in Silicon Valley. I wish I knew what to think about all this. If only Lilly Allen would start a blog….

RAW Satire for 9/21/09

September 28, 2009 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Trish Stratus made her shocking return from the Yoga world, only to realize that wrestling was just as bad as she remembered and promptly retired. Chris Jericho was the subject of amorous advances from the one girl on the roster who hasn’t slept with CM Punk. And John Cena and Randy Orton learned that they’re going to suffer Hell in a Cell together. Will they figure out what that means…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Cedric The Entertainer and about Five Hundred People, None of Whom Are Actually on this Show are having a party backstage. Wait, I think I see the Bella Twins in there. Do they still work here. This is like Where’s Waldo, but worse, because at least I cared about trying to find Waldo. That guy kept getting lost! Michael Cole and Jerry “” Lawler trip over each other to try to make the first “Cedric the Sports Entertainer” pun. Still not funny, dudes. I do see a 1940s Football Team, and Mantaur in there though, so that’s cool.

DX is in the ring and apparently they’re having a Hell in a Cell match too. Oh, man. Way to run that gimmick into the ground. It’s bad enough that Al Snow is on the record as having participated in a “Hell in a Cell” match, but now Cody Rhodes? You’ve got to be kidding me. Lawler and Cole are basically ignoring this and trying to run down Cedric’s resume. Unfortunately, there’s basically nothing on there. He played a Goose in that one version of Charlotte’s Web a couple years ago. Which…oddly makes him the most qualified owner we’ve had yet.

Triple H (w/ Shawn Michaels) vs. Cody Rhodes (w/ Ted DiBiase)

Cody takes control to start, because WWE is aiming to be as confusing as possible with the push of Cody Friggin’ Rhodes. Seriously, though, They jobbed these guys out ten months in a row, and now they expect us to have no problem with them beating the hell out of two main eventers. Albeit two main eventers who are in their mid-60s. Triple H throws in a Crossface, just to screw with my head some more. You know what? Let’s take a commercial break.

(ads)

CHINLOCK~! by Cody on Hunter coming out of the break. Randy has taught them well. Shawn tries chasing off Ted, but he ends up getting waylaid by Cody. I’m having a pretty hard time to believe any of this. Hunter catches Rhodes and sets up the PEDIGREE TO COUCHY~!, but DiBiase counters that with a Greco-Roman chairshot. Crossroads with Britney Spears by Cody! Dream Street by DiBiase! What the hell is this all about? Lemony sets Hunter up to smash his throat, but Shawn has gotten to his feet and found a sledgehammer, which is enough to make Cody and Ted take off. Play DX’s music. Because…um…they got beat up!

(ads)

Lillian Garcia (yes, still) brings out our host tonight, the one and only “Cedric…?” He immediately makes himself at home by calling out “Cowboy” Bill Thornton, “That Million Dollar Man” Cody Rude, and That Other Guy. He’s still nominally more accurate than Lillian or Mike Adamle, When that fails to get the crowd’s goat, or his own goat from earlier, Cedric calls Mark Henry the Kool-Aid Man, and implies that Big Show was the result of an orgy between Andre The Giant, King Kong Bundy, and The Mamas and the Papas. When that fails, he starts stringing together “Your momma so fat” jokes. Well, I can see why he’s a world renown comedian.

Speaking of world renown comedians, Santino Marella hits the stage and thanks Cedric for saving Graham and the rest of Daventry. Which isn’t true at all. Cedric was worthless! Then Santino launches into a twenty minute long, obscenity-filled monologue about the state of health care in the United States, before he’s interrupted by Chavo Guerrero.

Chavo is tired of the show getting bought out every week, because all the owners seem to have one thing in common: They hate Chavo Guerrero. So, Chavo is challenging Mr. The Entertainer to a match, right here tonight! Even Santino is flabbergasted. But ultimately, you don’t gain the nickname “The Entertainer” by turning down random fights with balding luchadores, so Cedric accepts. Then, like a true businessman, Cedric manages to gasp out a thirty minute plug for his upcoming role as “Janitor #3” in Good Burger 2: Fish Fillet Bugaloo with Keenan and Kel.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is trying to convince The Miz to go back to doing something relatively interesting instead of just being a douchey wrestle man. But Miz is too fixated on how Kofi Kingston sailed all the way from friggin’ Ghana on a raft in an attempt to become a professional wrestler. While Miz and Josh ponder this greatest of mysteries, Kofi whacks Miz with the raft and steals back the United States Title.

(ads)

Evan Bourne vs. The Miz

It’s a TNA fan’s dream match! Miz seems to be suffering no ill effects from the earlier raft attack, which happened…Like two minutes ago. I’d say that perhaps Miz was tougher than he looks but…no. You know, if you combined these two into the same body, you might actually have something to work with. Bourne can do all the wrestling Miz can’t, or at least all the backflips, and Miz can do all the talking that Bourne can’t. Anyway, Bourne does a backflip out of the corner, and Miz counters that with his move (That’s his move!) for the win. Match of the night candidate.

Backstage, Randy Orton is concerned about the contract signing for his match against John Cena, because he’s deathly afraid of paper cuts, but the rest of The Lemony is too busy being giddy about their push to notice their erstwhile leader. Orton gives them the night off, so Cody and Ted decide to argue about Heroes. Gee, I hope nothing goes wrong at the signing!

(ads)

Jerry “” Lawler welcomes out Randy Orton and John Cena to the contract signing table while Michael Cole talks about John Cena “literally” feeding Randy Orton to The Tista last week. I…don’t think that means what he thinks that means. Unless John served up Randy with a side of…APPLE DOUGH! And then Dave got so full up on the APPLE DOUGH! that he couldn’t finish his Orton.

John Cena almost falls out of his chair, which is the best part of the show so far. Randy signs the contract and Lawler leaves so that Randy can stand up and wave his junk around in Cena’s face. He promises that John won’t ever “beat this main after the Helena Spell” match. But John was asleep. And he’s got some kind of weird lump on the back of his head, and it’s reeeeally distracting.

Orton accuses John of turning their match into a “jort.” This, of course brings out Chris Jericho, who will not stand for wrestling jokes or jorts. Jericho attacks Cena while Big Show eats the table. Mark Henry…um…runs(?) out to claim the chairs for himself, while MVP chases Jericho away. Cedric the Entertainer is on the Titantron, and he has a great idea. What if Keenan and Kel opened a Good Burger, but it was on a boat. And Cedric the Entertainer was the captain of the boat? And it can be called the “U.S.S. Good Boatger.” Also, a tag team match. Chris Jericho claps for this despite the fact that nobody is taking wrestling less seriously than Cedric tonight.

(ads)

Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix

Alicia Fox is at ringside, prepping for her match…at a later date. Alicia’s not on commentary though, so read into that what you will. Beth tries to power Mickie out of the corner, but Mickie’s ass is just too fat. Both girls stall out and bail, but Mickie gets too close to Alicia and ends up getting distracted by the fact that they won’t let her on commentary, and Beth capitalizes with a Glam Slam for the win. Alicia sneaks back in and hits an Axe Kick on Mickie, and honestly? That’s pretty much the best Axe Kick I’ve ever seen. Huh.

(ads)

Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger
For the WWE United States Title

I can’t tell if Swagger’s entrance is amazing or super terrible. I guess the push ups kind of put it over the top. I kind of hope he hurts himself doing those one time. Not badly or anything, just…enough to make it hilarious. Miz comes out to steal the U.S. Title back, but Swagger catches him and knocks him out. Then he takes the U.S. Title and leaves. Which…Um…He was winning the match. Why did he just steal the title? Kofi wins. Somebody do the Thunder Clap!

(ads)

Chavo Guerrero vs. Cedric the Entertainer (w/ the Bella Twins)
With Special Guest Referee Santino Marella

Cedric is dressed in spandex tights, one of Jerry Lawler’s old T-Shirts, and a top hat. Before the match starts, he puts on a Lucha mask too. He learned that from Al Snow. What Cedric the Entertainer was doing learning things from Al Snow, I have no idea. Chavo stomps on the top hat, and that’s enough to send Cedric running. He runs under the ring, and is replaced by Shad Gaspard wearing the same outfit. Oh, so that’s where the mask comes in. He learned that from the Bella Twins. Why…Nevermind. I can figure out why he was hanging out with the Bella Twins. Shadric gets all his signature moves in (big boot, clothesline) while Santino marvels at Cedric’s wrestling acumen. Shadric rolls under the ring himself, only to be replaced by Hornswoggle…ric. Hornric with the Tadpole Splash, and Cedric comes back out to roll Chavo up for the win. That’s his series of moves! Better than Drew Carey. All three guys do a little dance.

(ads)

Apparently, Al Sharpton has offered Cedric two dollars and a book full of Al Sharpton quotes for RAW. Less on this story as it develops.

Backstage, Cedric is talking to Kelly Kelly Kelly about his new comedy DVD and…other things.

Cedric The Entertainer: So…Kelly. I hear you’re going around dating the hosts of these shows. Soooo….

I think he’s got himself a date. Chris Jericho comes in and he’s finally had enough of Cedric not treating wrestling like serious business. But Cedric blows him off, because seriously, why the hell would you talk to Chris Jericho when you could take to Kelly? Big Show, however, has a little bit more sway.

Well, Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and it’s finally time for us to say goodbye to Lillian Garcia. Lillian, I’ve made a lot of fun of you over the years, but honestly, you seem like a nice girl with a good head on your shoulders. I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors. I’m going to go ahead and transcribe Lillian’s final promo for her.

Lillian Garcia: The following…match…is…retired? For ONE FALL! Um…Go America…and-

You know what? Maybe it’s better if I don’t. I can’t believe they didn’t have her get beaten up by Alicia or thrown into a cake or something.

(ads)

Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and the Big Show v-

(ads)

Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and the Big Show vs. John Cena, Montel Vontavious Porter, and Mark Henry
In which the Loser of the Match Faces the Winner of the Match Next Week

Ahem. Jericho breaks the news to Orton that if he loses tonight, he has to fight the other team in a gauntlet next week. But, if Cena loses, he’s got to slog through their team. Orton is only pacified by the fact that Show could pretty much squish him if he wanted. Tonight, MVP stands for Mad Village People. I don’t know why. It probably has something to do with John Cena’s trucker outfit. Things start falling apart and getting Crazy Go Nuts after about three minutes, when suddenly Randy Orton uses the skills he learned as an apprentice under Rob Van Dam and builds a wall in the middle of the ring. Mark can’t help himself, and he busts through it.

Mark Henry: OH YEAH!

But, because he’s a professional wrestler, he trips and falls.

Henry: OH NO!

Orton wins!

Next Week: John Cena has to face the worst gauntlet of his career. Ok, it’s just Orton, Jericho and Show. Plus, Lillian Garcia’s replacement is revealed as…Lillian Garcia. Damn you, WWE! And the Reverend Al Sharpton brings some class to this show. Heh.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 1

September 24, 2009 NFL No comments

1. New York Giants
Last Week: 2
The Giants haven’t played a complete game yet, but what they’ve shown is flashes of what made them the Super Bowl champions a couple years ago. If Eli can stay healthy and keep his young receivers active, the Giants are staring down a long playoff run.

2. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week 8
The Ravens might be the most complete team in the AFC right now. Their pass defense has left a lot to be desired, but they clamped down when they needed to, and Ray Lewis showed a preternatural instinct for diagnosing plays to stuff the Chargers at the end of this week’s game.

3. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 9
The offensive explosion continues unabated in New Orleans, and Drew Brees looks to be on pace to throw for about 10,000 yards. But the running game is already wearing down (in Week 2!) and, while Darren Sharper is providing big plays, the defense has left a lot to be desired.

4. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 7
I hinted at it last week, but in case you didn’t know, Tony Gonzalez is a pretty fantastic weapon for a young quarterback to have. I still don’t think the Falcons are an elite team, but it’s looking like this year isn’t going to be dominated by elite teams.

5. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 4
It’s certainly something when you can take a bathroom break and miss the Colt’s entire offensive performance, and they still win the game. That’s neither a condemnation of the Colt’s offense (who took about thirty seconds to score every time they touched the ball) or a mark of approval for their defense (who were half asleep until Chad Pennington started lobbing shovel passes 50 yards downfield at the end of the game).

6. New York Jets
Last Week: 14
It takes some brass balls to send your third string quarterback, former Patriot Kevin O’Connell, out as a captain, just to dig into Bill Belichick. But the Jets defense looked fantastic, and they backed up all the smack they talked last week.

7. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 5
At some point, the Vikings are going to have to shake out of their slow first half playbook, and put some series together, or some team is going to catch them. I mean, it’s great that they’ve mastered retooling at halftime, but it’s not going to help if San Fransico blows up on them 35-0 in the second quarter.

8. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 18

It’s too bad Frank Gore exploded like he did on Sunday. Not bad for the 49ers, who suddenly look like an NFL franchise, by the way, but too bad for Gore because his performance is going to be overshadowed all week by the even more insane day for Chris Johnson. But…Gore’s team won.

9. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 19
It all came crashing down for the Steelers in the fourth quarter. Troy Polamalu and Jeff Reed standing on the sidelines, looking like extras from a really bad funeral scene. They’ll be fine this season, but it’s going to be rougher than they thought.

10. New England Patriots
Last Week: 3
At some point, you have to believe that New England will find their groove. But for the time being, they’re pretty quickly falling apart.

11. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 6
A slow and steady drop until McNabb comes back, but they’ll have an awfully big hole to climb out of in the NFC East when he does. The defense clearly misses Jim Johnson and Brian Dawkins.

12. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 10
It was the perfect set-up. Sunday Night Football. Brand new stadium. Tony Romo coming off a great performance, a huge divisional game, and…Well, things didn’t end up quite how Jerry Jones hoped. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Really.

13. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 11
Without Matt Hasselbeck, this is not a particularly good team. What is it with rib injuries to quarterbacks lately? Next the NFL is going to mandate no hitting the quarterback in the upper body.

14. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 12
Green Bay’s defense has flashes where it looks fantastic, but ultimately, it can’t contain anything for too long. As for their offensive line, it has flashes where it looks terrible, and ultimately it can’t contain anything either.

15. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 17
Say what you want about the Broncos offseason, but they’re sitting at 2-0, and they saw a nice uptick in production from their offense this week. They’re still not contenders, but they’re not who we thought they were.

16. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 20
Jay Cutler in a nutshell: Leading the team on a game winning drive, Jay Cutler takes his helmet off and rests it on his head. Looking more stoned then the cast of every Cheech and Chong movie, he manages to miss the referee standing two feet in front of him, and gets whacked in the face. The he manages to catch his flying helmet behind his back by his fingertips.

17. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 22
The Bills are going to be fine. They won’t be great. 8-8, probably, but they’re making headway. Have your popcorn ready, just in case.

18. Houston Texans
Last Week: 24
An offensive showcase to mask how horrible their defense really is. No coverage on Chris Johnson? Really, Texans? Still, that climb to .500 doesn’t seem so far off any more.

19. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 10
A one man explosion which dwarfed the fact that the Texans couldn’t really put anything together outside of a handful of amazing runs. This isn’t the same Titans team that put together a great year last year, and I think they’re a few mediocre games away from Vince Young lining up behind center again.

20. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 19
Forget what Marcus Fitzgerald is Tweeting. The Cardinals have to be thrilled with their performance on Sunday. I don’t have a ton of faith in these guys to keep this up, but they’re still dangerous.

21. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 21
From the most accurate passer of the week to…Jamarcus Russell. The Raiders got the win this week, though. And I’m pretty damn sure one of Russell’s passes landed within 50 feet of his target. Progress, folks.

22. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 13
The Chargers had it, but Ray Lewis read right through their scheme, and the Chargers line couldn’t keep him from stuffing Darren Sproles in the backfield. They’re probably better than this ranking allows, but without Jamal Williams, the wheels are still slowly coming off the bus for the Chargers.

23. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 26
Chad Ochocinco dared himself to do a Lambeau Leap, and to his credit, he did it. Sort of. It couldn’t have been easy to find Bengals fans in the crowd that day. Or at all for that matter. Still, the Bengals showed they can play a little offense.

24. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 22
Two things happened on Monday: The Miami Dolphins played the best ball control offense in NFL History. Secondly? The Dolphins played the worst thirty second defense in NFL history. I guess you can throw “Chad Pennington throws a pass of 10+ yards” in the achievement pile too.

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 23
Looking at the stat lines, the Bucs have given up almost 1,000 yards in total offense already this season. Somewhere, Monte Kiffin and Derrick Brooks are laughing about this. And John Gruden is grimacing at a potted plant.

26. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 25
The Redskins have a relatively easy schedule coming up, but I’m pretty leery about calling their next two games gimmies. They’re playing so poorly right now, that I actually believe that Washington might be the team that breaks Detroit’s streak.

27. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 27
The Jaguars lost starting wide receiver Troy Williamson for the rest of the year on Sunday. I don’t really have a whole lot more to say to that. I just wanted to give Vikings fans a chance to gasp at the words “starting wide receiver Troy Williamson.”

28. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 28
Even when Jake Delhomme doesn’t look bad, he looks bad. The rest of the Panthers didn’t really help him, but the loss falls on Jake for not coming through at the end of the game. There isn’t a team in the league that looks like it needs the bye week more. And it’s only Week 3.

29. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 29
Todd Haley is quickly becoming my favorite head coach. Not because I think he’s a great coach, or because I’m a huge Chiefs fan, but because every time the camera rolls anywhere near him, he launches into a swearing tirade that would make Bobby Knight cry. No wonder Matt Leinart never learned anything.

30. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 30
Well, whatever the Browns thought they learned from their game against the Vikings, it’s pretty clear that they forgot it in a hurry. Eventually, Eric Mangini will probably get on the same page with his team, but right now, I don’t know that they’re in the same library.

31. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 32
The Lions having a successful first half against an opponent, who then dominates them in the second? Say it ain’t so! Yeah, pretty much the same old Lions this week, but you can almost see the pieces falling into place there. In two or three years, they might be dangerous. Or…They might still be the Detroit Lions. Who knows.

32. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 31
Maybe it’s a bit controversial, but I haven’t seen a single thing I like about the Rams this year, which is even less than I can say about a team that’s lost 19 straight games. There honestly isn’t a single game I think the Rams can win this year. Except maybe for the most epic showdown in NFL History. Week 8. November 1st. Rams/Lions. I hope I get that game in my market.

World of Warcraft Wednesday – Blizzcon ‘09, Day 3

September 23, 2009 Video Games, World of Warcraft No comments

Day three. I couldn’t believe how quickly it moved, but for sure, the third day was going to hold some fun. In all actuality, third day is kind of the least exciting. Most of the really interesting panels were done on Friday, and pretty much all that was running was community tournaments and booths until closing ceremonies.

Now, that’s not to say there was nothing to do, of course.

This time, we got to the Convention Center three hours early, and managed to get to pretty much the front of the line. Which was really impressive.

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Not pictured: The guy in the really annoying “Wogren” T-Shirt, and the poor, poor Seventh Day Adventist Samoan Chapter. Those guys looked pissed as hell that their church service was being interrupted by a bunch of elves.

The first thing I did, was check out Starcraft 2. I had 20 minutes to play through as much as the Single Player campaign as possible. Unfortunately, that meant I had to buzz through the cutscenes, which were just gorgeous. I’m not a big fan of how they’re releasing each race as its own expansion, but whatever.

The game itself? Played just fine. Just like you would expect it too. Pathfinding could use a little work (the first mission involved escorting transports across a series of bridges under attack by Zerg), but it played solid.

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Next, I went through the Cataclysm line. Twice. Once each with Worgen and Goblin. I will say that I had the most fun with the Goblin rogue I made. The Goblin starting zone (as it was presented at Blizzcon) was tight and fun. It reminded me a bit of how the Draenei starting zone was set up. The Worgen zone was pretty amazing, atmospherically, but I have to say I was a bit turned off by how it was working at Blizzcon.

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Most of the quests were picking off individual mobs, and with five billion people trying to play all at once, well, there weren’t enough mobs to go around, so I really didn’t get to enjoy the game as much.

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I will say that they did a fairly good job with the presentation otherwise. There were tons of computers, so you never waited in line too long, and they had some neat little prizes you could win from quest rewards. I never got anything, but the guy next to me won a poster.

They had some fun little items sitting around the WoW Area. It’s kind of fun to see what people have made.

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Also wandering around the area were, NVidia’s hired booth babes. Clearly dressed as…two girls and a Draenei? I guess? That blue paint was terrible, by the way. It came completely off by the end of the day.

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There was also a “fan picture area” that developed around one of the hallways, where the players that came in costume all just kind of lined up and people took pictures of/with them. That place got crowded in a hurry, but it was pretty neat to see some of the time people put into their costumes.

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And…the…um…lack some people put in.

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They also had a few photo op places. Here’s my friend Johan and I winning WoW.

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They also had a realm meeting area, where you can finally come face to face with that guy that camped you for three hours every time you tried to level in STV. I would’ve hung out there, but somebody actually stole the placard for where Dalvengyr was supposed to meet. Which is funny, because I wanted to steal that placard.

I also met Richard Knaak and Christie Golden out on the show floor. Say what you want about Knaak, but his “War of the Ancients” series was great. As for Golden, she’s one of the best fantasy writers going right now, and “Arthas” was pretty great, if a little disjointed.

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So, then it was pretty much closing ceremonies time. They had one more short Q&A session. Ghostcrawler was there. He looked really pissed all weekend for some reason.

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They talked a little about Path of the Titans, which seems like a little more generic glyphs.

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Here’s a look at the Path’s talent tree.

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Then, after a short delay, Level 80 Elite Tauren Chieftains took the stage. I was a little disappointed with their reception, as were they you could tell, because they are the official WoW in-house development band, and a bunch of cool guys. They rocked out a few of their WoW Related songs, and took a mocking stand about how stupid Level 85 Elite Tauren Chieftain is going to sound. So they floated the idea of calling themselves

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Then it was time for Ozzy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more tepid crowd for a concert, and poor Ozzy looked completely flustered. Afterwards, he gave interviews saying he thought the crowd warmed up to him fine, but the sad truth is, it was mostly just people sitting on their hands, and about 1/3 of the crowd left after the first couple songs to beat the traffic.

And, funnily enough, a lot of people were watching the TV screens of Ozzy instead of the stage.

I was way the hell in back, but I did take a few pictures.

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And hey! He brought that kid from Ellen on to play guitar with him on “Crazy Train.” Which was pretty friggin’ awesome.

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Anyway, I hope you had fun taking a picture journey with me through Blizzcon. It was definitely a massive blast, and I’m going to go as many times as I can. And I’d suggest anybody who even has an inkling of interest, try to come next year. It was well worth it.

YouTube Monday: Not Safe. At All.

September 21, 2009 YouTube No comments

Just in case you thought I was kidding about the world’s stupidest addition to Ninja Gaiden. This video is not safe for work, by the way.

Yeah. I’m not sure what to say about this either.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for September 13th – 19th, 2009

September 21, 2009 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Awards Season Continues, Badly. It was the Emmy’s last night, and Neil Patrick Harris is prety awesome. But the rest of the Emmy’s were kind of awful. Hugh Laurie didn’t win for House, even though it was amazing last year. And other things won or didn’t. The Emmys are kind of lame.

2. Jay Leno Isn’t As Popular As He Thought. I don’t get the Jay Leno show. It’s just, the Tonight Show, but on earlier. And Conan is on the Tonight Show. Apparently, a lot of other people don’t get it, because he’s lost almost ten million viewers in the last week. Sorry, Jay.

3. Austrailian Politcs Are Way Cooler than American Politics. Obama calls Kanye a jackass, and suddenly everybody’s all up in arms about our president having an opinion and using a swear. In Australia, PM Kevin Rudd told Parliment to “Fuck off,” and that’s just another day at the office.

4. Gotta Love Activision. Activision’s CEO Bobby Kotick is a great guy, I’m sure, but you should probably keep him away from the interview circuit. In an interview leading up to GDC this week, Kotick laid out his plans for the future of Activision. They mostly include “only making franchises that will be able to roll out sequels every year” and “paying our development houses based on profit and not quality of product.” There’s something to be said for profit, but you don’t…say that.

5. News that REALLY Is Not Going to Change Your World. Ever since the senior development staff left, Team Ninja hasn’t been the same. So when they revealed their exciting new feature for Ninja Guiden Sigma, it didn’t really come as a shock to anyone, really. In the PS3 version of the game, you can use the SixAxis motion sensor to control your character’s breasts. I’m not even kidding. What?

RAW Satire for 9/16/09

September 17, 2009 RAW Satire No comments

Last Night: John Cena finally got his short awaited win over Randy Orton. Also, DX managed to get booed out of the building, despite the huge ovation Shawn got the last time he appeared on screen there. And they lost to Cody Rhodes, which has to hurt. Who will get hurt…TONIGHT?!



(Opening Credits)



Why are you still here Lillian?!

Lillian Garcia: And now, the special guest! Gardettos!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: That is not my NAME!

Lillian: I really don’t care.

Batista: That is MEAN! Ever since I kept getting injured I have been SAD! I am tired of being SAD! So I am go-

Randy Orton: Well if it isn’t Dad Baptist Douglasman! How are you doing Mamminal?

Batista: I am SAD!

Orton: Me too! Because I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy am now the former holster of the THE Girl’s Chocolatchip. Again! I am sam!

Batista: That is my favorite MOVIE!

Orton: I guess there’s not things left to do but retread!

Batista: I will do something ELSE! THIS!

Batista flexes his arm and his cast flies off, knocking Randy Orton over the top rope.

Batista: We are wrestling TONIGHT! And I am going to SMACKDOWN!

Orton: I am so soggy!

(ads)

Here’s the new owner of RAW, World Renown Yoga Instructor Trish Stratus. You’d think, as the owner of RAW, that she could get herself some better music.

Trish Stratus: Oh, man. Why did I buy this show? You may or may not remember this, and history says you don’t, but I used to wrestle on RAW. Then I decided to quit to teach yoga at the Y, and I got rich. Anyway, I thought Bob Barker was a great owner, but then again, I also like getting kicked in the face. So let’s sit back and see if we can’t make Chris Jericho cry tonight! Stratus oot!

　


Kofi Kingston and Primo Colon vs. Jack Swagger and The Miz

It’s nice to see the Prime Colon getting a chance to escape his brother’s shadow. Into…Kofi’s shadow, I guess. It’s progress, though, because Kofi isn’t fat. It’s also nice to see the Calgary Kid back in Canada. It’s back and forth, fast paced action for the whole 30 seconds that this match runs, until Miz tries to steal the United States title (in Canada, no less! The nerve!) and Kofi is distracted long enough for Swagger to power bomb him and pick up the win. Afterwards, Miz admits that he felt a little weird stealing the U.S. title, considering he’s the Calgary Kid and all.

(ads)

Lillian Garcia: The following contest…is…?

Never change, Lillian!

Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox


For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Diva’s Title

It’s so hotly contested! This must be the five hundredth Number One Contender’s matches we’ve had in the past two months. I wonder what Trish thinks about the “Divas” title. I bet she hates it. I also bet she ends up with a random Divas Title reign some time in the next five years. Erstwhile champion Mickie James is doing commentary at ringside, at least in part because one of her breasts exploded. That doesn’t sound pleasant. It also sounds really dumb. Alicia with an Axe Kick (TONY! TONY!) for the win. Oh come on Gail! This was your home town, girl!

(ads)

Backstage….

Beth Phoenix: …you know? A Divas title? That was humiliating.

Trish Stratus: Yeah. Sounds like I got oot right in time. So, what’s up with you? Missing Santino?

Beth Phoenix: A little more every day. But seriously, what’s the deal with me not being in that Diva’s match. I’m pretty much the only woman left on this show who can actually wrestle, whose boob didn’t explode.

Trish: Yikes. That happened to me once! And look, I was just trying to hand a home town win to Gail. But you saw how that went.

Chris Jericho: Hey? What’s going on in here? Bitchfest? I hear that’s the name of the next PPV. Hey, Trish! You bought the show to be close to me again, huh? Want to go get something to eat?

Trish: Um…no. Firstly, because you’ve gotten dumb and creepy since we dated. Secondly, because I totally turned heel on your dumb ass back then. Thirdly, because the show is going on right now and we can’t leave. And thirdly, what the hell are you even doing here? You’re on the Smackdown roster, dumbass.

Jericho: Geez. Isn’t yoga supposed to be relaxing? Quit being such a downer.

Trish: Besides, I found my soul mate in Viscera and you found yours in Big Show. And Beth found hers in Santino.



Phoenix: OBJECTION! This tomfoolery has gone on just long enough. I demand a match tonight! Trish, find yourself a partner, because I’m teaming with my new boyfriend, Chris Jericho!

Jericho: Say what now?

Elsewhere, The Lemony are looking for girlfriends. Awww.

(ads)

The Lemony is in the ring.

Cody Rhodes: Are you ready? I said, ARE YOU READY?!

Ted DiBiase: Uh…no?

Rhodes: How about now?

DiBiase: Yeah. I guess.

Rhodes: Good. Because you have a match right now. And we beat DX once, and we’re not going to stop beating them until they leave WWE for good!

DiBiase: You do realize that Hunter is married to the boss’ daughter, right? And that Shawn probably isn’t going anywhere? And that I’m totally going to lose?

Rhodes: Quit ruining our feud!

Backstage, DX is watching Monday Night Football. Poor Bills.

(ads)

Ted DiBiase (w/ Cody Rhodes) vs. Shawn Michaels (w/ Triple H)

DX does not look happy to be out here. Did they have money on the Bills or something? How do you bet on the Bills? I don’t care if you are in Toronto. Maybe they’re just upset that the Patriots couldn’t cover the spread. Hunter starts by chasing Cody off, but Ted is on offense in the ring. At least Cody seems to have taught Ted how to dropkick. This goes on for a few minutes, until Cody finally dodges a Hunter attack and starts humping Shawn Michaels’ leg. I don’t know where that is in the rule book, but he gets DQed just in case. Shawn tries to shake Cody off, but ends up taking out the camera guy instead.

(ads)

Hornswoggle and Evan Bourne vs. Chavo Guerrero and Carlito Caribbean Cool

Don’t tell me Trish isn’t sick of this match! Are we even pretending the owners are booking the show any more? Bob Barker had more of a hand in booking last week’s show than Trish has had tonight. Although, I guess she did push through two Women’s matches. Just like Bob, oddly enough. Literally nothing happens for the first, oh, twenty minutes or so of this match, until Hornswoggle wins by spitting an apple at Chavo. That’s his move! I think he stole that from Konan. Carlito looks a little embarrassed to even have been a part of this, and for once, I can’t blame him. After the match, Chavo begs never to have to see Hornswoggle again.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you, what do you think of-

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO!

Matthews: Oh, so this-

Cena: YO!

WWE Universe,


You lookin’ at John Cena.


Orton couldn’t beat me,


He’s just a weiner!

Now thanks to Trish,


We’re goin’ back to the well,


I’m taking on Randy,


In Hell in a Cell!

But I’ve got news for you,


The Spinnin’ Title ain’t leavin’.


It’s going to stay right here,


Don’t stop believin’!

Now I’ve quoted Journey,


The end is almost here,


One thing left to say,


THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Matthews: Uh huh.

Trish Stratus and-

(ads)

Trish Stratus and Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Chris Jericho and Beth Phoenix

MVP? Really? That’s what we’re going with here? I guess Trish just doesn’t have as much pull as she used to. Everybody knows MVP stands for Mainly Very Poor. It would’ve been hilarious to have her come out with Chris Tian. SHOCKING SWERVE~! I’ll admit, though, Beth and Chris make a pretty cute couple. At least Trish seems to have kept her flexibility. Must be all that Yoga. Now, I know she’s not staying, so can Trish take Lillian on her way out? Please? Big Show runs out for the DQ, but all this doers is give Trish an idea.

(ads)

Trish Stratus, Montel Vontavious Porter, and Mark Henry vs. Beth Phoenix, Chris Jericho, and The Big Show

Poor MVP just got beat up and Trish put him into another match. She’s still a heel! And why didn’t she just start out with Mark? He’s a much better mystery partner than MVP. I mean, he’s no Bradshaw, Kane, or…say, Big Show. But he’s better than MVP. She and Montel team up for the Ballin’, so I guess maybe she just wanted to do that. I could buy that. I’m a little surprised there aren’t more ads for her Yoga place on tonight. You know for a fact that Linda’s going to have her Senate ads plastered all over the ring. Tommy Dreamer’s probably going to have to wear a sign while he wrestles. Poor Tommy. Trish wins with her move. That’s her move!

Backstage, The Tista is walking. Don’t break anything!

(ads)

I guess Cedric The Entertainer just bought RAW. Didn’t he die? Oh…wait…That was Bernie Mac? Oops.

Randy Orton vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”


In a No Holds Barred Match

The joke is, of course, that neither Dave nor Randy know any holds to begin with. They should’ve barred one hold, just to give them a head start. I wonder if they’ve ever seen the movie No Holds Barred. Tiny Lester could probably teach them a thing or two. Orton with the CHINLOCK~! which is decent. Finally, they give up on this, and Orton grabs a chair, which would be great, except Dave throws the announce table at him. I think he learned that from RVD. Orton pokes The Tista in the arm, and Dave wobbles, but he doesn’t fall down. Frustrated, Orton tries to bail, but he ends up running into John Cena, who apparently doesn’t want to face Orton at his best. Which is kind of a dick move, when you think about it, but that’s John Cena for you. OSPREY BOMB TO ORTON~! A winner is Dave!

Next Week: Cedric Entertains. Also, some combination of MVP/Mark Henry/Chris Jericho/Big Show in a singles/tag/six-man/battle royale match. And John Cena composes the greatest rap about WWE Diva Josh Mathews’ thighs you’ll ever see in print form.

World of Warcraft Wednesday – Blizzcon ’09, Day 2

September 17, 2009 World of Warcraft 2 comments

So, the actual day of Blizzcon. Here’s a tip for future Blizzcon goers: Get there EARLY. Like, two hours before you want to get up early. I rolled up to the Convention Hall at about 8, thinking two hours should be plenty of time to meet up with my friend Johan and get to a good spot in line. Yeah, we ended up on the wrong end of a line that wrapped around the building and through the parking lot. On the plus side, I broke my water bottle.

This was, however, a good chance to check out all the costumes. There were the usual suspects in the crowd: Goku of the Kirin Tor, Guys in paper Thrall and Arthas masks and three piece suits, the dude with Giant skulls on his shoulders, people in gigantic costumes that obviously weren’t expecting to wait two hours in line.

This guy and girl were in line next to us, and it’s honestly a little disturbing to see a night elf talking on his cellphone.

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We got in around 10:15, the line moved really quickly once they’d opened up the doors.

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To my great shock, we got seats. 50 miles from the stage, mind you, but nonetheless, it was pretty incredible considering the amount of people standing around chairless seconds later.

So, as most of these things go, it starts off with the company patting itself on the back. Blizzard is the awesomest, most diverse, player friendly company in the whole world, some smug looking guy says. Everybody loves us! In fact, we have video here of everybody loving us! Thanks for coming! This is that smug guy:

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Then, some younger, somehow even *more* smug guy comes out and insults the crowd by calling them all nerds, and spouts the same numbers and rhetoric as the last guy, but he does it while pacing more and louder. This is that guy:

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Then they rolled out the big gun, Chris Metzen, Blizzard’s creative head and all around smuggest guy. If you ever have a gripe about how any of Blizzard’s games are made, he’s the one to gripe about. He also looks like how you might imagine Tony Stark if Tony Stark played video games all day instead of being Iron Man.

Most Blizzcon attendees, myself included, love Metzen for what he is. Though this image kind of makes him look like a creepy dictator.

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They played a video hyping up the Monk class for Diablo III, which was pretty well done. But I don’t really care about Diablo III, and I couldn’t get any decent pictures of the screen, anyway. Then, after about a million lame “Cataclysm” puns and a shamed frown when he talked about the Internet leaks in the weeks leading up to Blizzcon, they finally rolled out the Cataclysm trailer, which I posted on the site a couple weeks back.

Needless to say, things don’t look to well for Azeroth.

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In fact, they look downright Cataclysmic! (Sorry)

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And there are Goblins

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And Worgen:

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And a goofy looking Deathwing.

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We were invited to stay around for more info on the expansion after they got done wiping the smug off the stage.

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So we did. And shockingly, we ended up moving up about fifty rows until we were practically sitting in the media section. A good portion of the crowd decided to mill around the exhibits rather than stay for the panel.

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That Worgen art behind that guy’s head, by the way, was barely used after this panel. It’s in the program we got after the panel, but almost all the posters and media around Blizzcon were of the Goblin there.

This is apparently Chris Metzen’s favorite Warcraft Art. It’s a little hard to see shrunk down like this, but it’s Thrall and Cairne Bloodhoof saving a bunch of Horde babies. Which is sad considering that neither is going to be doing much any longer (Spoiler)

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Here’s a feature list for the new expansion. Essentially, the idea is that people liked how zoning went in Northrend so much, that they could get away with doing a whole new expansion with minimal content additions. Of course, the whole old world is going to be phased out, so it’s not like it’s there’s going to be nothing to do.

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But still…I’m going to miss Southshore. They also introduced the new races a little more. I’m sort of sad that I didn’t get a better picture of this, because the Worgen are dapper as fuck. It’s a little confusing, because they seem to have evolved into a 1920s Steampunk novel by removing themselves from society, whereas everyone else is still stuck in the dark ages.

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And here’s their mount. Some sort of…pig dog.

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Goblins, of course, we’ve already seen.

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But their mount? Go-Karts? AWESOME. Look at Chris Metzen’s smug ass. He knows how cool this is.

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Here’s a little look at how the world will be rezoned:

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And a look more specifically at Uldum, the currently inaccessible southern part of Tanaris.

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Even more specifically, here’s the loading screen for one of Uldum’s instances. Note the Egyptian vibe here. Uldum is basically Egypt, and the new NPC race that you can gain faction with are stone cat people.

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Then there’s Deepholme, a place that doesn’t technically exist on Azeroth, but is accessible via a rift in the elemental plane caused by Deathwing. It’s the questing hub for all the new expansion content, kind of like Dalaran or Shattrath, but without the peace treaties.

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Here’s a look at the map of Deepholme, which, by the way, will be WoW’s first fully subterranean zone.

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And it’s location on the normal map. It’s awfully close to Stormwind.
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One of the other questing zones that we’ll get to besides Uldum is Vashj’ir, a former Night Elf (now Naga) city that was home to Lady Vashj before the Sundering. It’s locate right near the Maelstrom, and thus might be a good place for an Azshara raid. It is also, by the way, WoW’s first fully underwater zone (which will have its own mounts).

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An unfortunately grainy look at the Vashj’ir map.

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Then there’s everybody’s favorite place to (now finally legally) visit: Mount Hyjal. For a place that was so important to lore, it’s nice to finally see them visit it. Also, Darkwhisper Gorge is apparently no longer a good place to farm Mithril.

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What’s that? Malfurian’s back? And so is Ragnaros? Neat! Here’s a look at the map for Hyjal. Note that some places cannot be accessed by the ground and have to be flown to. Floating platforms, perhaps?

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Last is the Twilight Highlands, home of what used to be Grim Batol, Deathwing’s old stronghold. They didn’t really drop that much info on it though.

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Just that there would be a couple of instances in the city of Grim Batol itself.

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There will also be a PvP zone like Wintergrasp, that will serve as a questing hub for whatever faction holds that zone. And, before you can even get accustomed to it, they’re taking Gilneas away from Worgen that have leveled out, and making it a battleground.

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Of course that doesn’t really touch on the changes to all the old zones.

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So forget what you remember about leveling your alts through the old world, because the pathing is going to be completely different this time around. Note that WPL is now a 30ish zone, and that there’s still nothing to do in Alterac, apparently.

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Here’s a view of part of Kalimdor. The mobs in Thousand Needles have really been leveling up.

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Auberdine :(

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I happened to bump into Chris Metzen on my way out of the Hall, and despite what this picture might tell you, he’s a really cool dude. Some people may have mixed feelings about what he’s doing in Cataclysm, but I like the guy.

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I also ran into some blue ladies, that were paid to stand around the Hall entrance and take pictures with people. I think we caught that one mid sneeze. Sorry, blue lady.

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I was NOT PREPARED for the giant statue of Illidan in the WoW Hall.

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I was also not prepared for the level of junk going on here. For all the cool panels, little shops, and community tournaments, there was wall to wall crap on the floors. Most of the booths were worthless tech demos of graphics cards I wouldn’t buy or complicated WoW-based board games. It was pretty much what I expected, but still the low amount of swag being given away was a bit disappointing.

The most popular swag booth? The Upper Deck Elemental Game. Where they shot a bunch of pieces of paper at you, and if you caught the one that said “Spectral Tiger” you got a code to redeem the mount in the game. Of course there were allegations all weekend of cheating going both ways, the booth runners saying that players were picking up the cards before the game started and hiding them, the players saying that they were getting shafted out of their free mounts because the Upper Deck people were being tight wads. I didn’t get to play because the line for that thing was two hours long, minimum, every time I even got near it.

So instead I went to “The Guild” panel. I like “The Guild” just fine, and Felicia Day is pretty, but the panel was just kind of there. Almost every question was directed towards Ms. Day, so we got a lot of her answering the same question nine times while the other panelists fell asleep. Not really surprising, but what can you do? Somebody did ask her if her curtains matched her drapes, and alarmingly, she didn’t even know what that meant until someone explained it to her. The second most popular booth, by the way? The Guild Booth, where the cast gave out autographs all weekend. Once again, I didn’t bother.

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Despite many warnings, I had lunch at the cafeteria there, and was actually pretty impressed at the prices. $8 for a chicken sandwich, fries and a drink might seem a bit much, but it’s about half of what I would’ve had to pay for the same meal at the airport, and probably twice as good.

Not many other places in the world you can run into this guy and not be phased.

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This statue of Thrall riding a dog was *everywhere,* and apparently is Blizzard’s mascot statuary. I think it’s a fine statue, but in the end, it’s still just Thrall riding a dog.

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I was able to catch the tail end of the new Class Panel that was running in the main conference Hall. The basic message? We’re getting rid of almost all the secondary stats. It’s a fine idea, but it kind of puts people who’ve been prepping their characters with stats in mind out on their ass. I mean, I play a pally tank a lot, and I’ve been stacking defense since God knows when. We get rid of defense, and suddenly, I’m just stacking stamina like everybody else.

We did get another look at some of the new class combos though. The Dwarf Shaman is the best.

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After that, it was the costume contest, hosted by Jay Mohr. Jay started off the night pretty good, except for a weird stuttering monologue about his mom. As the night wore on though, I think he just started getting tired, and midway through the dance contest he kind of just said “Fuck it.” Three hours onstage trying to make a fat old guy doing Peon grunts in the sound contest will do that to you, I guess. DirectTV even stopped carrying it after the first hour or so.

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Anyway, I took some pictures of the costume contest, but I was way in back again, so the pictures don’t really do it justice. Just look it up on YouTube. I will say that the Mistress of Pain costume was pretty amazing. I saw her out in the concourse too, and that thing was even badass up close.

I don’t even remember who won the sound alike contest, that’s the impact it had on me. But a guy doing Riverdance won the dance contest, so that’s all you need to know about that.

Next Week: The Grand Finale including a not so grand finale from Ozzy Ozborne.

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