Archive for October 2009

RAW Satire for 10/26/09

October 30, 2009 NFL, RAW Satire No comments


Backstage….

Triple H: Happy Satireversary, Shawn!

Shawn Micheals: What does that even mean?

HHH: What do you mean what does that mean?

Shawn: It doesn’t make any sense. For the past seven years you’ve been saying that to me, but never once have I gotten a good answer as to why we celebrate it?

Tommy Dreamer: If I may? The Satireversary is a neo-Western corruption of an ancient Pagan holiday, “All Saytrs Day.” On this day, ancient Greeks would dress up in red masks and have tremendous orgies with statues. Then they would burn the whole city to the ground and start fresh.

Shawn: I was right!

HHH: I just thought it was an excuse to drink and eat cake.

Dreamer: Sigh…You don’t know how much I hate you.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Happy BIRTHDAY!

HHH: What are you doing here, Dave? You’re supposed to be on Smackdown picking on a guy half your size.

Batista: I wanted a CAKE!

Shawn: Where’d that cake go anyway?



Last Night: John Cena won a match I can only describe as “an hour longer than I thought it would be.” Plus Team Smackdown beat the odds and replaced their whole team with members of Team RAW for the win. And Team Smackdown left with the Not Survivor Series cup. Will that matter…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hey look, it’s Chris Jericho wearing a Smackdown T-Shirt. Does he even appear on that show anymore or is this one of those weirdly ironic things? Like whenever somebody from WWE goes to TNA and talks about WWE all the time, or when people interview Michael Strahan and he acts like he still plays for the Giants?

Chris Jericho: Smackdown won! Thanks to me! You see, it was entirely my idea to swap out my team of guys you’ve never heard of for an entirely different team of guys you’ve basically sort of heard of. And it was a total success! This is the best Satireversary ever! Eeeeeeeeever! I won this great bowling trophy with “Not Survivor Series Champion” written on some masking tape. Also, apparently, I rolled a 160 average!

Big Show: And who helped you roll that average? Me! Because I’m a bowling machine! I’m also the only person on this team who actually belongs on this show, so I think I’m going to be unnecessarily taking a lot of the fall out from helping you win last night.

Jericho: Helping me win? You beat up Kofi Kingston! That guy is Shelton, Show. Shelton.

Show: Look, all I’m s-

Jericho: Plus, you beat up DX! They’ll never mess with us again! Especially not with Actual Survivor Series coming up!

Show: What I’m try-

Jericho: You know what I love? Cosmic Bowling. There’s something about swinging around 16 pound weights when you can’t see that I find really appealing.

Show: Chris-

Jericho: Oooh! Or bumper bowling! Who loves bumper bowling?!

Show: I’m moving over to Smackdown temporarily because they don’t trust you to be Undertaker’s next opponent!

Jericho: Sucks for you, man. Smackdown’s an awful show.

Show: Didn’t we just win a match to get Smackdown’s honor back?

Jericho: Uh…Shut up.

Backstage, our new owners Kyle Busch and Joey Logano are playing bumper cars with the Bella Twins. In real cars. That’s kind of…a waste of gas. The Bella Twins aren’t very good at this, so they decide to go into the arena and drive down to the ring.

Kyle Busch: We did that because we drive cars for a living.

Joey Logano: I like to go fast.

Busch: Second place is the first loser! Woah, Big Show! I didn’t see you there. Way to turn on your team last night, buddy! That’s how you win the…um…race of life?

Logano: I am going to go ahead and disagree with him, so that we can maintain a separate dichotomy. Also, Local Sports Team sucks!

The Buffalo fans aren’t too upset about this because…Well…Yeah.

Logano: To further muddle matters, I’m making you wrestle your opponent tonight. In a match!

Chris Jericho: Against Triple H?

Logano: Is that the one with the nose?

Jericho: Yes.

Logano: Then maybe!

Busch: And to prove that I too can make matches, I am going to put Chris Jericho up against the greatest wrestling name of all time, Kofi Johnston!

Both Jericho and Show look crestfallen.

Show: Are you sure? Kofi Johnston?

Busch: Maybe?

Jericho: Poor guy. Hey, Kyle…Other guy can you hold my trophy?

(ads)

Kofi Johnston vs. Chris Jericho

Poor guy indeed. Mr. Johnston comes out to a generic guitar track from his great uncle Jim and no pyro. He doesn’t even get to Thunder Clap. He’s not Jamaican enough anymore! Hell, he’s not even Shelton! Chris Jericho looks sad as Kofi comes down to the ring. He’s been here before. Actually, not really. Back in WCW when he was just some generic idiot, he was more over than he’s ever been in his life, because everybody on that roster was a Kofi Johnston. Pity does not prevent Jericho from dropkicking Johnston in the face.

(ads)

For some reason, I can’t get the song “My Hands” from Jewel out of my head right now. And it’s horrible, because I hate that song. But it’s oddly fitting for this match. How, I’m not sure. Jericho blocks Trouble in Suburban Ghana, and goes for the Walls, but Kofi rolls through. Jericho with the Code Breaker, but Kofi’s in the ropes. Frustrated with his inability to put away Kofi friggin’ Johnston, Jericho totally forgets to continue the match and gets hit with the Trouble in Suburban Ghana. Johnston wins! Yes, Virginia, there is a Satire Clause. And if you’re good, maybe a he’ll bring you a little Thunder Clap.

But wait, what’s this?! Rany Orton is out, and he’s none too happy that Kofi took out The Lemony to save John Cena for no reason last night. At the very sight of Orton’s rage, Kofi trips and falls off the stage, diving head first through one of the NASCAR car windshields. Orton wins!

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton. And Randy, did you really have to attack Kofi Johnston? Doesn’t that guy have enough problems?

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the UI Girlschocolatechip. And you know why I’m a former holster, Jock? Because Kory Kingfish there was in cornhusks with Joe Cedar. They were in cornhusks, Jock!

Mathews: So you say, but-

*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Cody Rhodes: Randy, I know you’re upset right now, but we bought you something for your Satireversary that we know is going to cheer you up.

Ted DiBiase: When he says “we” he mostly means me. I bought you something nice with my trust fund money. It’s a NASCAR car with your face on the hood. I think Goldberg had one of these once.

Rhodes: I bought you an air freshener! Now your car will smell like…um…cookie dough! For a couple days anyway.

Orton: You guys boughtered me a rape car?! Happy Sad Tire Nursery indeed!

DiBiase: Mostly to distract you from the fact that I’m totally going to steal your spot in The Lemony and get a meaningless title match on RAW instead of you!

Orton: And an Air Frenchioner?

Rhodes: Let’s just leave him to it.

Orton: I really liken how you broughtered out my crotch.

Backstage…

Kyle Busch: And that is…how…are we on TV?

Eve Torres: I can’t believe you guys make enough to buy this show for driving around in circles.

Joe Logano: And some times we don’t even make it around the circle!

Eve: Ugh.

Jack Swagger: Hey guys. What are you up to? Celebrating this great, if odd, holiday?

Busch: Honestly? Trying to figure out what the hell to do with a wrestling company? Why did we buy this?

Logano: I dunno, man. All you said was “You know what rednecks like?!” and the rest is just a blur.

Swagger: Well…while you work that out, can I have a title match?

Logano: Um…No. I don’t even know who the hell you are.

Swagger: Feeling’s mutual buddy!

The Miz: Everybody knows who I am right? Can I have a title match?

Busch: No! For exactly the reason that I do know who you are!

Miz: Come on, random hot girl! We’re out of here!

Eve: To be honest, I’d rather stay here with these boring chauffeurs than hang out with Miz.

Tough Enough Jessie: Why doesn’t anyone ever ask me to escape with them?! WAAAAAH!

Elsewhere, Santino Marella is trying to shield Melina from a bunch of paparazzi who have no idea who she is. Why in the hell would there be paparazzi in Buffalo?!

(ads)

Apparently, I’m getting some guy named Sheamus this year. That’s…a fair trade for Shane McMahon, I think.

Santino Marella and Melina vs. Chavo Guerrero and Jillian Hall

I have to admit, Melina and Santino are the most inspired pairing on this show since Randy Orton and that Salad Bowl. Santino spends fifteen minutes wandering around and then dives at Chavo, who moves out of the way. The Rock, MVP, or Scotty 2 Hotty he is not. Hornswoggle runs out for no reason in particular and starts crotch chopping everyone. Melina rolls up Jillian for the win. The lights go down, the DX theme plays over the loudspeaker and a lawyer comes out and tells Hornswoggle to stop pretending he’s X-Pac or he’s going to get sued. Because nothing says “40 year old rebels” more than lawyers suing midgets. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s a pretty fair description of 40 year old rebels, isn’t it?

Backstage, John Cena is eating a pudding pop. Happy Satireversary to you too, buddy.

(ads)

Another Cody Rhodes Interview? Geez.

Cody Rhodes: So, just so we’re clear on this, Randy’s backstage slobbering all over his NASCAR crotch.

Ted DiBiase: And meanwhile, thanks to a provision which we forgot to tell you about until just now, Randy is barred from fighting Cena for the WWE title until the writers forget that they did that. So…next month probably.

Rhodes: So what will it be, John? Which member of The Lemony will you be taking on tonight?!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YOOOO!

Last Night was a battle,


Even I must confess,


An Iron Man match,


Had me under stress!

Could I go an hour,


Against Orton’s heavy load?


Did we have to do the spot,


In which I explode?

So I’m too tired,


I’m not wrestling you two!


Cody’s just too boring,


Ted just makes me spew.

Tonight’s the big night,


Everybody’s invited,


Got a Satireversary,


And I’m feelin’ inspired!

So I’ve got an idea,


One to make it clear,


That Lemony is chumps,


And the CHAMP IS HERE!’

DiBiase: I hate you so much.

(ads)

The Lemony vs. Mark Henry and Montel Vontavious Porter

Tonight MVP stands for Manly Variable Parts. Surely he can fix up the MVP Formula 1 car with those and race the other cars for pink slips, Though Montel’s about three more boring months away from wrestling for a pink slip if you know what I mean. And you don’t. Maybe Hogan could bring him into TNA. Wouldn’t that be fun? Mark comes in and punches Ted, and MVP rolls him up for the win. Is that their finisher on the new WWE game? Because if it is, I’m totally going to buy it. After the match, Randy Orton comes out and he doesn’t look too happy.

Randy Orton: I am not too hotty! What happened to my gramp kneed revamp clause? Where art the ghosts of Sad Tire Nursery Past to save me?

Kane: Who me? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, because I’m too busy having sex with a mannequin.

Stone Man Still Austinberg: And I can’t hear you because I don’t exist any more. What?

Rob Van Dam: Dude, I can’t hear you because I’m too busy searching for my buddy Lance Storm and a Jade Gopher! Yeah! All right!!

A Rather Officious Looking Penguin: I am a penguin.

Orton: You guts were no hilt at all!

Hey! Backstage!

Kofi Johnston: You want a rematch?! I WANT MY LAST NAME BACK! To a lesser extent I also want my stupid accent and my identity back! But I’m not going to get any of those things, Randy? You know why?! Because the second they started to push me, they made me just some random guy! So that is why I pretty much have to destroy your car. Sorry, dude.

Kofi tries pushing a cart into the car, but nothing. He hits it with a crowbar. Nothing. He dumps a bunch of paint all over it, but nothing happens. Defeated, Kofi Johnston just stands on top of the car and screams, which, as you well know, causes it to explode. Kofi falls off. Orton wins!

Orton: My NESTLE car! I don’t feel like mulch of a weiner.

That’s debatable.

(ads)

Hey, it’s the Buffalo Bills, proving once again that you can’t lose any football games if you’re at a WWE live event! That’s their new selling point!

Evan Bourne vs. The Miz

This is not for the U.S. Title because that would be silly. Nobody wants to see that. Well…Evan Bourne might. Eve Torres is doing the ring announcing for this match and this match only for…no discernable reason. Justin Roberts is even right there. Maybe Kyle and Joe just got sick of having her harass them backstage. Oh those women, can’t live with them, can have them announcing your matches. Jack Swagger comes out to hit on Eve, because there’s no better time to try to score a date than in the middle of somebody else’s match. Miz sees Swagger trying to steal his gimmick and chases him off for a count-out. You couldn’t have made this a title match?

(ads)

So I guess Ozzy bought RAW? Does he even remember that his daughter is still on Dancing with the Stars? Does he remember anything at all?

Sheamus vs. Jamie Noble

Jamie Noble! Busch and Lagano show up and say that, as one of their final acts as owners of RAW, they signed away the whitest guy possible. And here he is. What will ECW do without…um…this guy? It’s a real blow, I tell you. To who, I’m not exactly sure. I’m not even sure what Sheamus’ gimmick is, other than being translucent. Which…is pretty impressive, but it’s no Kofi Johnston. Wait…his gimmick is that he’s Irish? How does Finlay feel about this? Other than not caring. Dude sounds like Bono got kicked in the balls though. Bicycle Kick and Sheamus wins! That’s the finisher of champions! Worst Satireversary present ever.

(ads)

Big Show (w/ Chris Jericho) vs. Triple H (w/ Shawn Michaels)

In a Lumberjack Match

This is my Satireversary Main Event? Come on, guys. This kind of blows. Hunter says he talked the race guys into making this a lumberjack match. So the whole RAW Roster is out at ringside. Jericho comes out with Show, but he kind of bails on the whole thing after he sees everybody else out there. Then John Cena comes out to be the special guest referee! John Cena hates Big Show because…um…He…? They did have that Wrestlemania match one time! Hunter dumps Show into the lumberjacks to start. That’s not very sporting!

(ads)

Apparently, during the commercial, Big Show head butted every single member of the RAW roster. Why do all the cool things happen during the commercial breaks?! Show is taking it to Hunter now. Is it bad that I’m cheering for Big Show here? I mean…Screw RAW, right? I hate this show. Not this Show though, understand. Show goes outside and punches Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters for no reason. Heh. The RAW Wrestlers take offense to this…for some reason, so Mark Henry runs…er…waddles in and hits a World’s Strongest Slam on Show, which Evan Bourne follows up with a Shooting Star Press. Santino wants in, but Show starts to attack him too, but Kofi Johnston makes the save with the Trouble in Suburban Ghana! He is Johnston! Superkick from Shawn Michaels. His Move from Jamie Noble (that’s his move!). PEDIGREE TO BIG SHOW~!

Kyle Busch: I’ve been hearing a lot of talk tonight about a “Satyr-versary.” Well, I don’t much care for Satyrs. But I love parties, so I’m going to give a gift to two WWE Superstuds.

Joe Logano: Yeah. We figured we’d steal everybody’s Days of Thunder and book a match for the upcoming Super Serious Pay Per View.

Chris Jericho: I invented that one.

Busch: But we couldn’t decide who was going to be in it. Or…remember most of the roster for that matter. So at Super Serious, it’s going to be John Cena versus…DX! And the winner gets that ugly belt!

Hornswoggle: Fantastic. I knew there wasn’t a better time to join DX.

Evan Bourne: Dude, aren’t they going to sue you?

Hornswoggle: Relax. I have Clarence Mason on the case. I’ll probably own the rights to the letter H by the end of RAW next week.

Bourne: Diabolical!

To their credit, DX and Cena look kind of bored by this news. Wait! Shawn is excited. Oh…Never mind. He just hand to sneeze.

Next Week: RAW is going off the rails on a crazy train. Also, Hornswoggle shames DX for their lack of minorities. And Big Show eats Sheamus because…well…Why the hell not?

Backstage…

Cody Rhodes: I’m really sorry about the car, Randy.

Randy Orton: There’s scrabbles and paint all over it!! Now how will anyone bake in the gory of my crotch?

Ted DiBiase: We know, we know. But look! We got you something to make up for it. Another special surprise!

Ted pulls out a briefcase.

Orton: Is that…A breed case cake?!

Cody: It sure is! One Satireversary briefcase cake for our main friend Randy.

Orton: You guys are the breast laggies ever. EMPIRE!

Orton cracks open the briefcase and stares in wonder at the lovely cake inside. Just as he’s about to take a bite, however, Kofi Johnston runs through and kicks it into his face.

Orton: JOHNSTON!!!

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Ironforge

October 28, 2009 World of Warcraft No comments

The captial city of the dwarves and “temporary” home of the gnomes (seriously, guys, move out) was at one point, the proud pillar of the Alliance side of the game. If you didn’t have anything better to do on a particular day during the game, you could find pretty much the entire Alliance half of the server’s population hanging out in front of the Ironforge bank during vanilla.

And I guess that hasn’t changed much. Sure, most players have moved on to Dalaran, but if you have to visit old Azeroth for any reason, like say the Auction House, instinct will always lead you home to Ironforge, and you’ll always remember why you loved the place so much years ago.

So what makes Ironforge the shining beacon of the Alliance? And why do I still not particularily care for some parts of it? Let’s take a look.

Convenience: A+

To put it mildly, Ironforge is what every city in WoW aspires to be. Everything is laid out on two circular tracks. On the outside, you will find all your questgivers and class trainers (except for Shamans), and they’re all contained in their own seperate sections. You’ll also find the gnomes and the Deep Run Tram to Stormwind in the north and the Auction House and Bank directly across from each other to the south, right where you come in.

In the interior circle, there’s all the class trainers and vendors you’ll need, along with the Great Forge and Great Anvil, in case you were wondering where the forge and anvil were.

In terms of convenience, this layout is pretty fantastic. Especially with the auction house and the bank being positioned how they are. It’s the easiest arraingment for quickly getting things out and sold.

Ambiance: B

Your first impression of Ironforge will always be the best. It looks exactly like a dwarf city should. Huge buildings cut directly out of the rock, a massive flow of volcanic rock being used as a forge, if you grew up on Tolkien Dwarves, Ironforge feels just right. Even the Gnome’s little alcove of Tinker Town feels like what Gnomeregan should be. But after a while you’ll notice it’s fairly lifeless. The buildings all look a lot bigger than they actually are, and texture-wise, every other Alliance city has Ironforge beat.

A few of the vendors running around add a little extra ambiance. There’s a bread barker and, for no real reason except for one week a year, a man urging people to visit the Stormwind Orphanage. Ironforge is also mission central for Christmas every year, and it always looks great during the Holidays.

Special Features: A+

When you get to Ironforge you’ll always know exactly where to go. Everything’s pretty clearly laid out (unless you’re a Shaman, then you have to find your trainer who’s in hiding). Additionally, there’s a tram transport to Stormwind, and automatic teleports to Kel’Danas (which doesn’t mean nearly as much any more) and the Blasted Lands. There’s also a special fishing cove which is the only place you can complete one of the fishing achievements whether you’re Alliance or Horde.

Key Stats

Average Population: High
Class Trainers: Warrior, Warlock, Hunter, Shaman, Priest, Paladin, Rogue, Mage, Druid
Best Feature: Best functional layout in the game, auction house and bank right next to eachother.
Worst Feature Unmounted it’s a long run from place to place, it’s kind of boring
Recommended Hearth for Levels: 1-58

Dalaran aside, Ironforge is the best city in the game. Hell, Dalaran doesn’t have any class trainers or an auction house, so Ironforge really is the best city in the game. Everything you’ll ever need is in a designated area and along one of two paths. The only reason to visit any other cities during Vanilla was for transport or because you were RPing.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 7

October 28, 2009 NFL No comments

1. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 1
Was that Reggie Bush actually being effective? Drew Brees rushing for touchdowns? The Saints aren’t beatable, but they’re easily the top team in the NFL.

2. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 2
Indy has taken advantage of an easy first half of the year to ease in their new receivers and coaching staff. And Anthony Gonzales is coming back soon.

3. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 5
The Broncos signed punter Mitch Berger this week, proving that Josh McDaniels is willing to try to jinx his team every way possible this season.

4. New England Patriots
Last Week: 6
Old England was a twitter with love for the New England Patriots, something that I’m sure caused the red coats to spin in their graves more than Laurence Mauroney in a backfield.

5. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 7
It was a tough game, but the Steelers got back to winning the Steelers way: random defensive scores and blown penalty calls.

6. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 3
After a reporter critiqued the Viking’s decision to pass twice on the goal line, backup fullback Jeff Dugan suddenly burst into the press conference and knocked the guy cold. In Dugan’s defense, that reporter was pretty shifty looking.

7. New York Giants
Last Week: 4
A leak has slowly sprung on the Giants as they’ve started their regular season fade a little early. Most depressing for the team, however, is the chance they might end up proving Tony Romo right.

8. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 10
The way Cedric Benson came back from being an awful back to beating down of the Bears was so inspiring, Ryan Leaf is going to try out for the Chiefs next week.

9. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 11
Let’s temper our enthusiasm, it was just the Redskins, and the Eagles are proving to be incredibly injury prone. Again. How long can they really keep this up?

10. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 12
DeMarcus Ware signed a big contract this week, ensuring that he’ll be with the Cowboys, at least through the lockout. And maybe in an uncapped year, Jerry can sign players to go alongside that contract.

11. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 8
Matt Ryan has had something of a sophomore slump this year, at least in terms of yardage, but the real problem with the Falcons is that opposing quarterbacks are averaging something like four minutes per play in the pocket against them.

12. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 16
The Packers had a great game. They looked like a million dollars on offense and defense. They finally put together a complete game heading into the biggest game of their season. They…played the Browns.

13. New York Jets
Last Week: 14
If you need a laugh, I’d suggest watching whenever they have Rex Ryan miced up on NFL.com. The guy is like some kind of caricature of a head coach. He should have a sitcom.

14. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 13
After a hot start, the Ravens entered the bye in a bit of a tailspin. They’re playing fine football, but their schedule does them no favors.

15. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 17
The Cardinals are back in the driver seat of the NFC West, as their defense dragged the offense to 24 points and a win. Wait…really?

15. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 15
Sure they lost, but the real story of the game was the sudden resurgence of Alex Smith as the 49ers starting quarterback. Well…he’d have to have had an original surgence for this to be a re, but…He played ok is what I’m trying to say.

16. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 9
You can’t blame this one on Cutler, well you probably could, but the Bears offensive line looks awful. Maybe somebody should’ve told them that Calvin Pace 2009 isn’t even on the same planet as Calvin Pace 1999.

17. Houston Texans
Last Week: 20
Don’t look now, but these Texans are so good, I’m willing to go out on a limb and revise my 8-8 prediction to…9-7!

18. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 21
The good news is that the Chargers have a lot of winnable games left on the schedule. The bad news is that the Broncos do too.

19. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 18
Ricky Williams exploded, but the Dolphins lead went up in smoke in the second half against the Saints. I’m so, so sorry for that joke.

20. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 25
The Bills are practically on a winning streak, but they don’t really feel like a team that is going to keep this up. Fitzpatrick gives them a different look, but T.O. is still just the league’s most overpaid decoy.

21. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 22
Pretty boring time for the Jaguars, who are just treading water until they can book it to L.A. Still, their win next week over the Titans will give them a winning record this season.

22. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 19
During the bye, Matt Hasselbeck swore that there was still time to pull the Seahawks together and make a playoff run. I’d say that he’s nuts, but he’s probably right. It’s only the NFC West.

23. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 23
Tom Cable is off the hook for beating up an assistant, but JaMarcus Russell found himself riding the bench. To Russell’s credit, he says he learned a lot watching Bruce Gradkowski lead the Raiders to a 38-0 loss to the Jets.

24. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 24
After a couple of mediocre weeks, Jake Delhomme fell off the table again this week, and he’s thrown a total of 13 interceptions this season. On the plus side, at least somebody is catching Delhomme’s passes.

25. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 26
It’s a good week for the bye, because it’s tough to win games when the best answer you can come up with to “Which quarterback gives you the best chance to win this week” is “Uh….”

26. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 27
Larry Johnson went on Twitter this week, and amongst his homophobia, railed against Todd Haley for not having played football professionally. Which is something they’ve had in common for the past few years.

28. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 28
In a show of defiance and pride, Jason Campbell left the ball on the ground during the game’s final snap as…wait…I actually don’t think he meant to do that.

29. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 24
Well…At least they didn’t lose a game this week. Join us next week, when, in an attempt to show his good humor and inspire his team, Jeff Fischer dresses as Jim Zorn.

30. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 30
On the plus side, Browns fans, you get to see exactly how bad Derek Anderson can actually be this season! The Titans posted negative yards one game already, so you have something to shoot for there.

31. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 31
Well…you don’t have to play the Colts every week. This week’s matchup with the Lions is going to be so epic, I pretty much dare you to find a market where this game is actually going to be aired.

32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 32
You flew all the way over to England for that?! Seriously, guys? Well, at least Josh Freeman gets to spend the rest of the season on the field learning about disappointment.

YouTube Monday: Invest in a Knife!

October 26, 2009 YouTube No comments

I want to appologize for the video this week. Look, it was either this or that lame meteorite video, or the stupid Michael Jackson tribute video that’s making the rounds. And quite frankly, I don’t think I’ve been as annoyed at a YouTube video as this one in a while.

The folloing is a self-styled cell phone reviewer opening a box from Verizon’s marketing campaign to advertise the Droid phone coming out next month. Which is fine. Vaguely interesting even. But what isn’t fine? The fact that he takes THREE MINUTES TO OPEN THE BOX! There’s even an ad break in the middle of the video while he struggles with the concept of “scissors.” Maybe I’ve just opened more boxes than normal people, but it takes me about three seconds to pop one open.

I realize that he’s just filling time, probably trying to meet some quota or something for how long his video has to be, but this? Is annoying.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for October 18th – 24th, 2009

October 26, 2009 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. It’s Windows 7! Basically the same operating system, only different problems instead of the ones you had with Vista! Though people like Windows 7 a lot more. For now. Kudos to the Mac guys for being on the ball with their idiotic advertisements though. I can’t be the only one that likes and sympathizes more with PC than smarmy Mac, can I?

2. Hulu Is About to Become a Lot Less Popular. NBC is planning on making their broadcast TV shows Pay Per View on Hulu starting next year, and Fox is expected to do the same. They’re hoping that people will be willing to shell out for subscription plans to see the shows they missed on broadcast. I don’t think they understand how the internet works.

3. Geocities Shuts Down. OH NO! Oh man! I’ve got to go in there and get all my stuff from 1999 before they shut it down. What was my username and password again? Hocksomething…Ugh…If only I hadn’t abandoned that site because it was so crappy! Wait…Geocities was still around?!

4. No Reason Whatsoever. Don’t Look at the Sleeping, Arguing Man Behind the Curtain! Somehow, a Northwest Airlines plane ended up overshooting an airport runway in Minneapolis this week. By 150 miles. Now, I’m no aeronautical expert, but that seems like a bit much. To their great credit, the flight crew is pretty much saying, “Uh…wasn’t me!”

5. Chad Ochocinco Is Literally the Best. When he’s not coming up with elaborate schemes to dodge NFL uniform policy, tweeting what restaurants he’s eating at so fans can come and eat on his dime, or actually having a good season, Chad Ochocinco is a businessman. That’s why he’s forming OCNN, the first NFL Rumor Mill service owned and operated openly by an active NFL player. I can’t see Roger Goodell letting this go down, but the idea of an active player gabbing to people who’s injured and who’s a big crybaby is pretty hilarious.

RAW Satire for October 19th, 2009

October 23, 2009 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Nancy O’Dell and Maria Menounos were the best guest owners, mostly by not having a frigging clue what the hell was going on. Also, Ted DiBiase beat Randy Orton for some reason. And Shawn Michaels had H1N1. Who will he infect…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Based on how I feel right now, the answer is me. He infected me.

So…here’s the new owner of RAW Snoop Dogg, who is being accompanied to the ring by Whatever Divas Didn’t Get Traded Away Last Week and DX. Because nothing says “cool” more than hanging out with two 40 year white old guys.

Snoop Dogg: In the nizzle my nizzle, it’s me it’s me it’s that D-O-Double G!

Triple H: Road Dogg?! So that’s what happened to you! Oh, man, R-Truth is going to be so excited to see you again.

Snoop: Nah, homey, it’s the Snoop to the Dizzle! You know? And I hear hizzear that John Cena is wresizzling his last match on Rizzaw tonight. I hear that because I booked it.

Shawn Michaels: Snoopy, I have to be the first to say, I really love when you pretend to be fighting the Red Baron, but I have to ask, are you ever going to finish that novel. What happens on that dark and stormy night?!

Snoop: I already wrote my novel. Tha Doggfather: The Times, Trials, and Hardcore Truths of Snoop Dogg. It’s illustrated, bitches!

Shawn: Tha Doggfather? Is that anything like Tha Trademarc?

Snoop: Don’t make me have to slap you.

HHH: Don’t mind Shawn, he’s not down with the hipity hop music. Unlike me. I love them all. X-Pac, Notorious F.Y.E., Bill Cosby….

And with that, Snoop Dogg shakes his head and leaves. DX decides to set up the Smackdown and RAW teams for WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents But Not ECW Presents WWE Not Survivor Series. Let’s do the same, shall we?

Team Raw:

Triple H: 150 time World Champion. Career Highlights include having sex with Stephanie McMahon and fellating a large sausage.

Shawn Michaels: The Showstopper, Mr. Wrestlemania, The Big Chipwhich. Career Highlights include wearing little girls’ sunglasses, and being beaten up at a bar.

Cody Rhodes: Mr. The Lemony. Career Highlights: N/A

Kofi Kingston: Jamaican Mecrazy. Career Highlights include being Shelton and giving Michael Cole the Thunder Clap

Big Show: Well It’s. Career Highlights include eating one of the Beverly Brothers. Turned Face. Turned Heel. Father surfed on by Big Bossman.

Jack Swagger: The All American American. Career Highlights include accidentally spitting on Chris Tian, doing pushups. Also, eating a Push Pop.

Mark Henry: The World’s Strongest Man. Career Highlights include being fat, having sex with (in no particular order) an 80 year old woman, a man dressed like a woman, and his own sister. Father to a lovely hand.

Team Smackdown:

Chris Jericho: Mr. Monday Night. Career Highlights include losing to Triple H all the time. Recording an album of 80s pop songs in the 00s.

Kane: The Big Red Machine. Career Highlights include having long, loving relationships with two separate mannequins. Three if you count X-Pac. Fathered a delicious entrée. Totally awesome. Needs more.

Dolph Ziggler: Hi, My Name Is. Career Highlights include introducing himself to Howard Finkel once.

Shad Gaspard: The Big One. Career Highlights Include not being JTG.

JTG: The Little One. Career Highlights Include being JTG.

Eric Escobar: The Puerto Rican Man-O-War. Career Highlights include having sex with Vickie Guerrero.

Drew McIntyre: The “Future World Champion.” Career Highlights include being the subject of the only known WWE Writer’s meeting where they debated who the cutest member of the Backstreet Boys was. Might be Spanky.

HHH: I mean…what is that?

Shawn: I zoned out after Cody. I don’t even know who 90% of those people are.

HHH: I mean we were supposed to pick the best guys from our respective brands right? Was Funaki busy or something? I feel almost bad about fighting these guys.

*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Cody Rhodes: Even I could beat most of those guys.

Big Show: Hey now, let’s not get carried away. Wait…seriously, the third best guy on that team is Dolph Ziggler?

Mark Henry: These guys are going to quit harder than Shane McMahon.

Jack Swagger: Have you ever noticed how weird I look when I smile? What’s with that? Like I’m some kind of goofy imp…it’s kind of depressing.

Kofi Kingston: I don’t care what happens. So long as I’m not the one who gets pinned, everything’s fine.

HHH: Woah, when did you lose the accent?

Kofi: When they started giving me mic time…mon.

Shawn: Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s have another match right now! And if any of us loses in this match, we get replaced on our Not Survivor Series team. I sure hope I don’t accidentally lose to Evan Bourne and have to spend Not Survivor Series in Cabo!

HHH: You’re not losing to Evan Bourne, Shawn. We’re not even going to be in this match. The captains can’t lose!

Shawn: Aw, come on! I’m still recuperating!

(ads)

Big Show, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Cody Rhodes, and Kofi Kingston vs. Montel Vontavious Porter, Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters, Evan Bourne, Chavo Guerrero, and Primo Colon

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: There are too many cooks in this kitchen, I have no idea what’s going on here. I’m just going to go eat a ham sandwich instead.

Fukui: Huh. Ok then. You know, I have to say it, I think RAW’s B-Team could probably beat Smackdown’s A-Team.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Yeah…yeah. Love the A-Team. Mr. T and that guy from Star Trek right? Brilliant.

Fukui: Are you even listening to what I’m saying?

Hatori: Huh? No. I’m thinking about that ham sammy.

Fukui: I give up. Team RAW wins. Er…the good one. And now they’re punching each other. Good plan, guys.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: This sandwich is delicious.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with Ted DiBiase.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here, and I’m standing by with Ted DiBiase. And Ted, I have to ask you, what were you thinking when you pinned Randy Orton last week?

Ted DiBiase: I was thinking…boy I should probably win this match.

Randy Orton: Well may bees you should be thinking “Boyd, I’m going to be kickered out of The Lemony.”

DiBiase: Um…Ok? Seriously, what have you really done for me, Randy? I give and I give, but I’ve never so much as gotten a card from you thanking me for my help!

Orton: The real questionnaire is, where would you be whip out me?

DiBiase: I’d be in a go nowhere tag team with Cody Rhodes which would only be on TV every week because of our last names.

Orton: Ha! That sounds like a tragible situationalilty!

DiBiase: IT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW!

Orton: Unpossible!

(ads)

Ted DiBiase vs. Randy Orton

The story of the match is that Ted won’t retaliate when Randy attacks him, because he knows Randy is right. Ted is only a Lemony breakup from jobbing to Hornswoggle every week on Superstars. Sorry, Chavo. The crowd is going crazy go nuts for some reason. They do realize this is Ted DiBiase, right? OH! He’s the new Virgil! How the wheel of time has turned on the DiBiase family! Randy gently caresses Ted’s jaw, and Ted sighs and falls over. Best match since the Hogan/Nash touch of death.

Aww…Super Mario died! I’m doing the Mario in your honor, Lou.

(ads)

Here’s the Jacksonville Jaguars. No, the fans in Jacksonville don’t know who they are either.

And here’s Snoop Dogg’s video. I…can’t comment on this because I don’t know anything about hippity hop music. There sure seems to be a lot of Gangsta Luv here.

In the Snoop Doggfice.

Snoop Dogg: I should’ve just stayed home. I haven’t been this embarrassed to be part of a project since I played Huggy Bear.

Bella Twins: We never saw that move.

Snoop: That’s really creepy. And hot.

Jillian Hall: Snoop Dogg! Will you lay downs some beats for my new album?!

Snoop: I’ll do just about anything for money, as this appearance is proving….

Hornswoggle: You’re my fifteenth favorite rapper, Snoop.

Snoop: Shut the hell up, Hizzuggybear.

Chavo Guerrero: Snoop Doggy Dogg! What the hell are you doing in here with these twins and a midgit! Something really sexy, right? Can I watch?

Snoop: What?! HELL NO!

Chavo: I just thought I’d ask…Come on Hamsandwich, let’s go get a ham sandwich.

Santino Marella: Snoop-a Dogg! You were-a in my favorite-a movie! Soul-a Plane! Look-a at me-a! I’m dressed-a as Tom-a Arnold!

The Ghost of Lou Albano: You-a are an affront-a to Italian Stereotypes-a!

Snoop: EVERYBODY BUT GHOSTS AND HALF NAKED WOMEN GET OUT! Now, come on Captain Lou, let’s light up so-

Here’s the dreaded “Technical Difficulties” graphic. Only now it’s not Triple H trying to eat the lettering, it’s Michael Cole trying to…kiss Hornswoggle? Huh.

Snoop: Some séance candles! Come on, guys! We got a ghizzle up in here! Cizzaptain Lizzou.

Cpt. Lou: Don’t call me that again or I’ll stick a plunger on your face.

Backstage, John Cena is trying desperately to get into Snoop Dogg’s dressing room, but his bodyguards know better than that.

(ads)

John Cena vs. Triple H

This could be Cena’s last match on RAW! Aren’t you excited? I know I am. It’s not that I hate him or anything, I just think I could use a month’s vacation or so. Which is all we’d be getting. Come on. I really appreciate how every time this match happens, they try to make a big deal out of it. It’s only the 950th time these two have faced each other! This year! One time Hunter was wearing a loincloth! They’re punching each other. HHH goes for the Pedigree which is hilarious.

(ads)

Do you suppose I could quit doing the Satire, move off to maybe start my own MMA company and work on my mom’s Senatorial campaign, all while living the high life off my wife’s Spaghettios money? Me neither. Especially since I don’t get paid for this job. But seriously though, Shane McMahon is nuts. Dancing around Titan Towers is literally the easiest job. Except for being WWE Time Keeper and DX Member Mark Yeaton. All that guy does is ring a bell, and I bet he makes more in a year than you or me combined. Think about that. HHH goes for the Pedigree again, which is even more hilarious.

(ads)

Two ad breaks? Really guys? Does this match really need *two* ad breaks? Hunter goes for the Pedigree again, which has moved from being hilarious to being kind of sad. I realize That’s His Move! but at the same time…come on, man. Cena goes for a top rope leg drop which is even more stupid, but for entirely different reasons. Especially since it actually sets up Triple H hitting the PEDIGREE TO CENA~! for the win. Poor Cena looks so crestfallen that he totally forgets that he just got the crap kicked out of him.

Backstage, Randy Orton is watching his cousin Kyle on Monday Night Football. I still think the Broncos should’ve signed Abe.

(ads)

The Miz vs. Marty Jannetty

Snoop booked this match so that Miz would get a good long look at his future. Can I call him Snoop? Yeah. We’re tight. Miz is freaked out because…who wants to end up as Marty Jannetty? Honestly? Did Shawn bail him out again? I’m kind of shocked he didn’t come out in a DX shirt. Just because. The crowd is going nuts, because watching washed-up, old jobbers be able to pull off 1-2 different moves still is thrilling once or twice a year. Miz still wins though. Sorry, Marty.

Backstage, Chavo is hitting on Jillian Hall. How the mighty have fallen. You used to have Pepe, Chavo! Pepe!

(ads)

Jillian Hall (w/ Chavo Guerrero) vs. Melina
For the WWE Diva’s Title

This is the ol’ rematch clause match. Chavo causes a ruckus outside the ring, which allows Jillian to hit her one (1) offensive move for this match. Hornswoggle swoggles out to the ring, dressed in his Snoop Dogg Halloween costume. Dammit! That’s what I was going to wear this year! To be fair, it probably fits him better. I don’t know what made me think Baby Snoop Dogg was a good costume idea. Anyway, Melina wins with her move. That’s her move! Chavo gets into it with Hornswoggle. I thought they were friends now! Snoop Dogg comes out to save his baby self, but Chavo shoves him too. That doesn’t help Snoop’s street cred, so he tackles Chavo and has his body guard drag Chavo away to get beaten. The Face Divas come out to dance with Snoop, Baby Snoop, and for some reason, Michael Cole.

Snoop Dogg: I don’t know why I bought this shizznit. Snoop out!

(ads)

Chris Je-

(ads)

Some…NASCAR Guys are buying RAW? Sorry…I don’t know.

Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

Jericho immediately says that he has no intention of fighting Shawn Michaels. In fact, he’s just lured him into a trap. To accentuate this, Cryme Tyme comes out to the ring as well. Oh, come on, guys! You’re faces! Don’t be like this. Kane is out here too, which I can totally accept, because…he’s Kane.

Chris Jericho: Look, you know full well that Team Smackdown is going to win after all….

Here come Dolph, Eric Escobar, and Drew McIntyre!

Jericho: Dammit.

Team RAW rushes the ring now because all Jericho has done is gotten them to realize that Team Smackdown is a lame bunch of losers, and Team RAW is totally going to win. And that makes everybody get along better. Vickie Guerrero comes out to try to convince Team Smackdown not to embarrass themselves before the PPV even starts, but if you know anything about Smackdown, you know these guys can’t wait to embarrass themselves. So they rush forward, and Team RAW step to the side, and the Smackdown guys fall over the top rope and land on their heads. Ole!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Team RAW wins even though nobody but Kofi Kingston even bothers to show up for the match. Also, John Cena wins the WWE Title with the help of a disgruntled Jay Cutler. And Shane McMahon shows up one last time, and realizes that he totally made the right choice.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Orgrimar

October 21, 2009 World of Warcraft No comments

Ogrimar is an interesting case study, because, by all rights, it should be the capital of the Horde, their grand city and the ones players congregate to because it’s the best Horde city in the game.

And while that’s….mostly true, ultimately it’s not. While Horde players clearly *want* to love Orgrimar, and will vehemently defend it in chat or from Alliance players looking for an achievement or two, ultimately I don’t know a single player who actually likes Org.

Sure, it’s the most “Horde” looking city in the game. And it has some neat touches like easily accessible public transportation and a dungeon in the basement, compared to Stormwind, Orgrimar kind of sucks.

Convenience: C-

I don’t know who did the layout design for Orgrimar, but I’d really like to meet them. The paths are kind of looping mazes that wend every which way, some of which ultimately lead nowhere. Which is great for getting Alliance raids lost on their way to kill Thrall, but not so great when all you need is to find the druid trainer. Like Stormwind, Org eats up too much space for its own good, and finding things to put in that space led to it getting a little out of hand.

To their credit, Blizzard has tried to make Orgrimar a little more convenient (an anvil and a forge! You don’t say!). They’ve also said that the interior will get a long look when it’s revamped for Cataclysm, so hopefully its functionality will come in line with its aesthetic appeal.

For what it’s worth, you can get to Undercity, Borean Tundra, Thunderbluff, and Stranglethorn via the Zeppelin routes that cross through Orgrimar, which is more than the Alliance can say about their public transit.

Ambiance: A

The main reason why people want to love Orgrimar so much is because it’s sort of wonderful to look at. It’s not the prettiest city or the best textured, but it’s sort of exactly what you want the Horde’s main city to look like. It really looks like a bunch of Orcs just decided to dig in here and put down some stores, and it organically grew out from there. Thematically, it’s fantastic.

There aren’t as many Easter Eggs or things around as there are in Stormwind. You can find the Troll faction leader Vol’jin hanging out in the Throne Room, being useless as always.

Special Features: A+

There are, like all cities, all the trainers and vendors you’ll need (unless you’re a Death Knight) even if some of them are out of the way. There’s a portal to the Dark Portal for people ready to get to Outland, and Ragefire Chasm, the lowest level instance in the game, is in the basement.

Key Stats

Average Population: Medium-High
Class Trainers: Warrior, Warlock, Hunter, Shaman, Priest, Paladin, Rogue, Mage, Druid
Best Feature: Easy transportation to any location in the game
Worst Feature Outside of the Valley of Strength, the path design is a mess
Recommended Hearth for Levels: 1-15

If you’re a Horde player, you have to love Orgrimar. It’s in your blood. It’s not even close to being the best city, but it’s the capital, the seat of the Warchief. It’s actually the best transport hub in Vanilla Azeroth, and a great stopover point if you need some quick supplies before heading someplace else, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, it’s not really a city to spend much time in.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week Six

October 21, 2009 NFL No comments

1. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 2
The Saints put on a show on Sunday, making the Giants look silly and making themselves the favorites in the NFC in the process. Of course, whether or not Brees and company can keep this up is another thing.

2. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 3
The Colts took a week off, to rest and heal up. Now it’s into the fire this week, when they throw for 2,000 yards and 18 touchdowns against the Rams.

3. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 4
Disguising Karl Paymah as Antoine Winfield didn’t work quite how the Vikings hoped. The defense got torched in the second half, and they were lucky to win. Still, Brett Favre seems to have a lot of luck left in him.

4. New York Giants
Last Week: 1
They looked like a bunch of college kids playing against the Saints, but the Giants are still going to be contenders at year’s end. It’s just too bad the Saints exposed their secondary a week before they play Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald.

5. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 6
The AFL throwbacks are leading a charmed life. First they shut down New England, then they get San Diego. I just can’t wait until fifty years from now when the Oklahoma City Tuskers can say the same thing during the UFL celebration.

6. New England Patriots
Last Week: 13
The game was laughable. Nobody can prepare for a good old fashioned slaughtering like Bill Belichick. The only problem for the Patriots? Not every team they face this year has an offense and defense sputtering so bad as the Titans.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 7
Troy Polamalu is back, the Steelers are on a roll, and suddenly they’re back in first place in the AFC North. This might just be the team that can stop the Vikings’ run. I mean there’s no doubt Jeff Reed is a better kicker drunk than Steve Hauschka sober.

8. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 10
Even at 4-1, the Falcons have a pretty massive hill to climb chasing the Saints. But they looked solid against the Bears, and they have Tony Gonzalez thinking Super Bowl. Then again, considering some of the Chiefs teams he was on, one win would have him thinking Super Bowl.

9. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 9
Welcome to the Jay Cutler Experience. One game he’s great and carries you to victory, the next? He makes you wish you could have Kyle Orton back.

10. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 8
I like the Bengals, but they didn’t have a good week this week. Their secondary is going to be a weak spot all season, and I don’t know if Ochocinco can afford to keep buying out their home games (though I’m sure he’ll try).

11. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 5
It’s hard enough losing to the Raiders, but doing it a week after it looked like they’d all gotten on the same page is especially rough. This is a young team that’s going to have a lot of ups and downs this year, and ultimately might play itself out of contention.

12. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 14
Tony Romo raised a lot of eyebrows during the bye, suggesting that the Cowboys were the team to beat in the NFC East. He then went on to compliment ex Jessica Simpson on her wildly successful country career.

13. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 16
Another loss, but they played like winners. Joe Flacco took advantage of Antoine Winfield’s injury to slice up the Vikings Defense, putting them in position to lose the game in heartbreaking fashion. Which is better than how they used to lose games.

14. New York Jets
Last Week: 6
After starting the season off hot, Mark Sanchez is starting to look like a rookie QB who has barely started any games, and the Jets are looking like the team that collapsed down the stretch last year. Still, they’re the only real contenders to the Patriots for the AFC East.

15. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 15
Help is on the way! After a week’s worth of practice, Michael Crabtree has been declared ready to start for the Niners this week. Of course, I heard that from MC Hammer, so take it with a grain of salt.

16. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 19
They finally started rushing the passer, which is a good thing, but the offensive line still looks listless and Ryan Grant couldn’t find a hole with a map and a compass. Actually, he’s htting holes so slow, maybe he’s spending too much time looking at his map and compass.

17. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 20
Defying all expectations, the Cardinals actually played a little defense on Sunday. Now, however, they face the biggest test of their season: trying to stop what should be a very angry Giants team.

18. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 17
Following the successful business model of Planet Hollywood and the All-Star Café, Celebrities are flocking to buy a little piece of the Dolphins. Hell, even Balloon Boy owns 5% of the team.

19. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 14
A week ago, they would be kings. Then they remembered that they’re playing with half an offensive line, a defense on one leg (collectively) and a quarterback who is a few ribs short of a special at Chilis. Tada! It’s the Seahawks’ season!

20. Houston Texans
Last Week: 21
There’s no doubt that Matt Schaub can be dangerous. If he can stay healthy for more than two games at a time. The question has always been whether or not he can score as many points as the Texans give up.

21. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 18
Case in Point: Phillip Rivers is a dangerous quarterback, but it doesn’t do him any good because the Chargers couldn’t stop a flag football team. Not to mention that his offensive line looks like it’s manned by the other half of Seattle’s line.

22. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 22
The good news is that after the bye this week, they get to take on the Titans. The bad news is, that’s their last game against the Titans this year.

23. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 23
Nobody cares about the Raiders defense coming around or JaMarcus Russell finally looking like a quality emergency quarterback. Nope. All anybody cares about is the Special Teams Pidgeon, whom Al Davis is writing a 4 year/$25 million contract right now.

24. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 27
A lot of trade talk revolved around Steve Smith this week, probably because nobody trusts Jake Delhomme to throw the ball anymore. I would’ve liked to see him go to the Giants, just to really screw with Fantasy Football note makers.

25. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 26
Two wins? Seriously? The Bills have two wins? Huh. Now it’s time to ride the Ryan Fitzpatrick train to…wherever that thing derails at. Carolina, probably.

26. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 25
Speaking of which, do you suppose the Lions coaching staff was standing on the sidelines this week just saying to themselves, “You know who we don’t have enough recent film on? Drew Stanton.”

27. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 29
The Chiefs finally won a game and, in celebration, promptly put their whole team on the trading block. However, due to a league rule, they were only able to trade players with the initials “TT” this season.

28. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 28
In the most hilarious turn of events since Special Teams Pidgeon, Redskins head coach Jim Zorn was rewarded for his “Making Sure Every Team Has at Least One Win” tour by being stripped of everything but his title and salary. So now he gets to watch TV and play Peggle while Sherman Lewis tries to figure out how to call “I-24” and “B-11” on offense.

29. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 24
Hahahahahahahahahaha…Next.

30. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 30
On the one hand, they lost leading tackler D’Qwell Jackson for the season. On the other, at least they know that, in a pinch, Josh Cribbs can play quarterback just as ineffectively as Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn.

31. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 31
Just hours after linebacker Will Witherspoon said that he felt the Rams were finally on the verge of breaking out of their 14 game slump, he was traded to the Philadelphia Eagles. They won’t have any of that positive attitude around here, mister.

32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 25
Let’s put it this way: They might be able to catch the Patriots a little jet lagged and groggy playing in front of a London crowd that will probably prefer bumbling pirates to the very embodiment of Revolutionary America. So, cross your fingers, they’d only lose by 30.

YouTube Monday: I’m Not a Hockey Fan But….

October 19, 2009 YouTube No comments

This goal by a nine year old is friggin’ amazing.

I feel horrible for that goalie though. He’s going to go through his entire life, and this is going to be his thing for the rest of it. He could cure cancer, and at the benefit dinner, people will come up to him, like, “Hey! You were that kid who had that goal scored on him! Wow! How was that?”

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for October 11th – 17th, 2009

October 19, 2009 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Balloon Boy…Wasn’t. Oh, balloon boy, how you captured the hearts of…news anchors? Everybody else pretty much knew it was a huge hoax. The guy has been on Wife Swap *twice* people. Come on.

2. Finally, That One Show is Over. Jon Gosslin’s legal actions have forced TLC to cancel “Kate Plus Eight” after the current season. Finally. Now those poor kids can go back to being screamed at by their overbearing mother and clueless father in private.

3. Fox News is What?! Anita Dunn, the White House director of communications finally came out and said what everybody has known for ten years, “Fox News is a wing fo the Republican Party.” Nobody disagrees, mind, but that’s still not something the white house director of communications should actually be…saying.

4. Which Is a Coincidence, Because the Only Way to Make SNL Interesting Again Is Beer. For the first time in the modern TV era, Saturday Night Live sold every minute of it’s ad time to one company. Anheuser-Busch, who is despirate to reclaim its image after getting really horrible over the last two decades. I’ll let you decide which I’m talking about.

5. Twitter Is For Quitters. First NFL players are told to stop using their accounts because they often sound stupid, then the NBA, then politicians, then Miley, now major movie studios are telling actors to stop going on Twitter and scaring off fans. Namely, Cameron Diaz and Mike Myers. Diaz, mostly because she’s nuts and an activist, and Mike Myers because he’s just not funny any more. Now who’s going to tweet about Shrek?

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