The Muppets haven’t really been relevant for a couple decades, but every once in a while, they show up and make you say, “Hey…it’s the Muppets.”
So here it is. Their best music video since “Manamana.” Doot doo doo doo doo.
Archive for November 2009
Hock Show Weekend Top Five for November 22nd – 28th, 2009
1. Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you enjoyed your pounds of turkey, troughs of stuffings and stacks of pie. Christmas is all well and good, but this has become my favorite holiday. Eating all day and football? Yes please.
2. It Was My Birthday! Hey, screw you. I never claimed this was important news. Besides, November 24th is the best day, because if I was never born, you’d never be reading this, so be thankful for my birthday.
3. Tiger Probably Should’ve Used His Driver. Tiger Woods got in a hilarious car accident this week, backing into a tree and fire hydrant while (allegedly) getting chased by his model wife weilding a golf club. At 2 a.m. This guy even knows how to do scandal to the max.
4. So…Who Wants to Go to a State Dinner? A couple of D.C. socialites made the news this week by breaking into the White House, walking the red carpet, and partying with actual A-List political and Hollywood types and meeting President Obama. The Secret Services is baffled as to how the two made it into the party, except that “Nobody gives a shit about State dinners.”
5. Leggo My Eggo, Motherfucker! Apparently, something went wrong at the ol’ Eggo Factory, and now the breakfast “treat” won’t be available again, except in an exceptionally limited quantity, until summer 2010. Why? Depending on who you listen to it’s either rain in Georgia washing out the…um…”Eggo crop,” Kellogg trying like hell to make people want Eggos again by announcing that nobody can have them, or just general stupidity.
RAW Satire for 11/23/09
Sunday: John Cena beat DX by telling them that their next opponent would be Sheamus. Also, Kofi Johnston was the Sole Survivor, which is kind of a tragedy if you take it literally. And Sheamus. Non stop Sheamus. TONIGHT!
(Opening Credits)
Justin Roberts can’t wait to introduce new RAW owner Jesse “The Body” Ventura, but what we get instead is Randy Orton, which pretty much has to be a disappointment to everyone involved.
Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the GLAM Girl’s Chocolatechip, and I am proud to say that I know RAM’s new ownerer Jimmy “The Broccoli” Vulture. I used to be breast fiends with his action figure man. Now I’m hoping that fellowship will carry over and he will giver me the typo shot I so richlessly don’t deserve.
Jesse Ventura: Randy Orton, did you know that I was the Governor of Minnesota one time? I’m still not quite sure how that happened, but now that I’m out of the political realm, I can come out here and wear feather boas and paint my beard again. It feels good, let me tell you. But your friendship with my action figure man aside, I’m not going to give you a title shot.
Orton: Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Ventura: No, I’m going to give a title shot to someone in this building who’s never had one. A fresh new face that will lead RAW into the next decade. So forget Triple H or Shawn Michaels or Big Show or…The other guy. I forget. I’m looking for new blood!
Orton: Like Sheamus?
Ventura: God, I hope not.
Orton: Well, you should’ve readered the header, then, Vulture!
Ventura: I ain’t got time to read. Anyway, also tonight, John Cena versus some guy named CM, DX versus the Harts in what I’m sure will be a terrible match, and…other things. Things I don’t remember right now.
Kofi Johnston comes out for the first match and he and Orton sigh at each other. It’s going to be a long night, folks.
(ads)
Kofi Johnston vs. Dolph Ziggler
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier
I guess another thing that Jesse ain’t got time to do is know who the hell is on this show. If Dolph wins this whole thing (ha!) and gets the title shot, does he get to bring the belt back to Smackdown if he beats Cena (ha!). I guess stupider things have happened, but it’s kind of a waste trying to pull off that particular logic tornado around someone like…Dolph Ziggler. You know, now that he’s a stripped down jobber and no longer Shelton, Kofi’s more over than he’s ever been before. He’s like a modern day Barry Horowitz, he is. Trouble in Suburban Ghana for the win.
Apparently, Michael Cole is thankful for women’s deodorant, and Jerry “” Lawler is thankful for the Disney Channel in HD. Backstage, The Miz is thankful for the fact that, because he is on this show, he doesn’t have to watch it.
(ads)
Sheamus vs. Finlay
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier
Finlay’s had a title shot, right? He has to have. Aren’t these guys, like, second cousins thrice removed or something? Don’t make brother fight against brother, man! Think of the children…or Hornswoggle anyway. I would pay a million dollars if Horny came out and tried to put an end to this match by dressing up as Bono. And then Drew McIntyre would come out and pelt them all with potatoes. Or…sign one of his hit songs from back when he was in N*Sync. Sheamus with the Razor’s Edge for the win. One more win…for the good guys. Of course, he has to totally ruin it by following it up with a bicycle kick (the finisher of champions!).
(ads)
Backstage, Teddy Long and Vickie Guerrero are having dinner.
Teddy Long: You know what I’m thankful for Vickie?
Vickie Guerrero: Finally appearing on a show people actually watch?
Long: Holla Holla, playa!
Eric Escobar: Hey! I’m on TV! Look the hell at that. Wow.
Vickie: Teddy, can you pass me the potatoes?
Teddy: Unfortunately, Drew McIntyre ran off with them. Lord knows what that boy is going to do with a hundred gallons of mashed potatoes.
Escobar: Hey, Vickie! Wanna eat cranberry sauce off my pecs?
Vickie: Who are you, again?
Elsewhere….
Jesse Ventura: No! I’m not changing my name. I had it first.
Tough Enough Jessie: I HATE YOU! WAAAAAAAH!
Randy Orton: Jimmy?
T.E. Jessie: Yes?
Orton: No, no, the other Jimmy.
T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAH!
Ventura: Look, I know what you’re in here to do, you’re going to say that you not getting the umpteenth title shot despite not winning a match in a month is a “Conspiracy Theory” which, oddly enough, is the name of my new show on TruTV. Then I’m going to tell you to kick a bunch of people in the head and make fun of Vince McMahon.
Orton: Actively, I was just wandering if you’d seen Stanky run by here holding a giant bowl of postidos. I’m hungering.
T.E. Jessie: I saw Drew McIntyre walking around with a b-
Orton: No bunnies asked you!
T.E. Jessie: I miss Todd Grisham! WAAAH!
In the ring….
CM Punk: You know what I’m thankful for? Hair grease. That stuff is a real lifesaver let me tell you. Also, pickle varieties that start with a “B,” holes in the Straight Edge code that allow me to have as much promiscuous sex as I want, and fat people. I love the fatties. Gobble gobble.
(ads)
CM Punk vs. John Cena
Man, I barely even remember CM Punk. The only thing I even remotely remember is that he’s Paramore’s favorite wrestler, and given that their last video was about killing a little girl I don’t know what that even means. What the hell was talking about? A John Cena match? Jesus, let’s go back to talking about yams or whatever. Some birthday present this match is. Oh, it’s my birthday, by the way, did you know that? What did you get me this year. Please don’t tell me it’s Sheamus.
(ads)
CHINLOCK~! by Punk, but Cena’s not having any of that. He just feuded with Randy Orton for 900 years, that’s not going to stop him. It’s finisher-palooza after that. I think both these guys want to get backstage and have some yams. You know what’s really good with yams? A little brown sugar and some caramelized marshmallows. You know what doesn’t go good with yams? A John Cena match. Cena finally hits an Attitude Adjustment off the ropes for the win. Nobody looks more relieved about this than Punk, which is honestly kind of funny. Match of the night.
Backstage…
Jesse Ventura: -and that’s how I won an election.
Vince McMahon: So you’re saying we go with Linda McMahon action figure commercials?
Ventura: That’s a waste of money, Vince. Just shoot her from far away and nobody will know the difference.
Vince: You’re all right, you know that, Jesse?
Ventura: You won’t be saying that once I make you wear one of the old Saturday Night’s Main Event suits and a bowtie, Vince.
Vince: Are you kidding? I’ve dreamed of this day for the last twenty years! I’ll go get my tiny microphone!
Ventura: I hate you more than you’ll ever know.
(ads)
Chavo Guerrero, Jack Swagger and Chris Masters vs. R-Truth, Mark Henry, and Montel Vontavious Porter
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier
Tonight, MVP stands for Many Voluminous Pecs. Seriously, though, I thought this was supposed to be a night where people who’d never had a title shot got a chance to get a title shot. Henry’s been ECW Champion, so has Swagger, and R-Truth…has…been…bahahahahaha! Sorry, I couldn’t do it. I tried, so you have to give me credit for that. I like this type of match though. It’s WWE realizing, “Nah, we’re not going to do a bunch of singles matches, we’ve got too many backstage segments” and then throwing out as many people as they can comfortably get away with. R-Truth hits his move (That’s His Move!) on Masters for the win. Wait. Really?! Gettin’ Rowdy!
Backstage….
Shawn Michaels: That guy really moved tha thang out there.
Triple H: Shawn, why did you Superkick me last night? I thought we were friends!
Shawn: What gave you that impression? You’ve done nothing but put me down, get me involved in stupid tag matches, and had me turn heel on a leprechaun since I’ve been back. You know I was happy being semi-retired? Dammit, Hunter!
HHH: Come on. Come ooooooooon!
Shawn: Ok, yeah. We’re still friends. I love you, man.
Clarence Masoncito: I’m the world’s foremost little lawyer, and my client, Hoothoot is suing you guys for use of the letter H. See you in court next week, bitches.
Shawn: I…almost expected this.
HHH: Wasn’t he the cutest little lawyer? Omigosh, Shawn! We should have a whole division of those guys. It’d be a ratings bonanza!
Super Porky: I agree!
(ads)
Evan Bourne vs. Primo Colon
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier
But wait! Randy Orton throws Primo off the stage and runs down to the ring. Does Orton really expect this to work? Really? I mean, yes, I know it’s Randy Orton, but come on….
Jesse Ventura: You know what? I don’t really care enough to say anything about this.
Evan Bourne vs. Randy Orton
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier
You know, I sort of love how lazy WWE’s being about booking this show. It’s like…”We have to fill HOW many hours? Ugh…Ok, whatever.” After all, nobody needs to break through more than Randy Orton. Bourne actually gets more offense than you would think in this match (two moves), but eventually, he can’t help himself from falling over. Orton wins! Finally, Randy Orton is getting the chance to move up the card that he deserves. I can only hope that WWE strikes while the iron is hot and gives him his own show that isn’t RAW.
Backstage, the Divas are getting dressed. What the hell is that all about?! I want women in bikinis wrestling in pumpkin pie mix, dammit! What has this show become?!
(ads)
You know what’s fantastic? The Marine 2. Ted DiBiase is the best John Cena of all time. Backstage he and Cody Rhodes are talking about this, but they’re not mic’d up, thank God. See? I can be Thankful for something!
Speaking of being Thankful, Michelle McCool, Layla El Layla, and Jillian Hall are in the ring dressed as Pilgrims, which means that the Face Girls will be dressed as Indians, which surely makes up for years and years of mistreatment. Tatanka would be proud. Michelle tries to complain about the fact that, just because she’s sleeping with Undertaker doesn’t mean that she wants to dress like him, but she’s interrupted by the Gobbledy Gooker. Uncle Hector’s looking pretty spry these days.
(ads)
Michelle McCool, Layla El Layla, & Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James, Kelly Kelly Kelly, and Melina
With Special Guest Timekeeper the Gobbledy Gooker
I take back everything I said about Tatanka, because they’re using his theme music for the Indians. Ok, well, at least it’s still the faces, I guess. If Kelly and Mickie weren’t the two best looking girls in the match, I’d say the Pilgrim costumes were hotter. As it is, Michelle and Layla have had enough with this match, so they bail, leaving Jillian to get rolled up by Mickie (That’s…her move?) for the win. Afterwards, Melina, hilariously, tries to convince herself that winning a six woman tag gimmick tag match was good for her career, when suddenly she’s attacked by the Gooker! Wait! That’s not the Gooker at all, that’s Maryse! She’s a secret furry! Or…feathery…I guess. Mickie and Kelly are already backstage eating jello. Sorry, Melina.
(ads)
Degeneration X vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya)
Hey look, everybody! It’s the Canadian Bulldog! And…whoever the hell Tyson Kidd is. This is going to be the best match ever. EVER! Is there anybody in the world who thinks that The Harts are going to win this match? None of them are even real Harts! This is the lame offshoot Hart Foundation that we got because Teddy couldn’t keep his pants on. Or stop doing backflips. Superkick, and a Pedigree and that’s it. Well…at five minutes, they lasted four more than I thought they would.
Chris Jericho: Hey! Guys! Did you hear DX was fighting JeriShow at WWE Another Gimmick PPV?
Triple H: No. Somehow the match that we’re in slipped our notice.
Jericho: Um…did you know Big Show isn’t here tonight?
HHH: Yeah, I heard he was too fat to get into the car this morning. Dude, are you trying to make us attack you?
Jericho: Dammit, Hunter, this pay per view is going to be serious business! I need you at your best!
Shawn: I’m with him, Hunter. This show is going to be serious business. I heard they’re going to have “Chair Matches.” I don’t have any idea what that is, but I can’t wait for it. Even if it’s going to be Maryse/Melina or Cody Rhodes/Kofi Johnston.
Jericho: You know what? I’m just going to go ahead and leave.
Backstage, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” is on the WRONG SHOW.
(ads)
And now he’s in the ring. Wonderful.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am in the RING! I beat up Rey Misterio because he is not my FRIEND! He is too SMALL! And he wears a mask all the TIME! Wait a SECOND! Is this SMACKDOWN?!
You know what this show has needed a hell of a lot more of?
Kane: Dave, this is RAW. Get backstage before you embarrass yourself. More.
Batista: I like Fig NEWTONS!
Kane: Ugh…too late. Well…I tried.
Batista: Who wants to play Apples to APPLES?!
(ads)
Cryme Tyme vs. The Lemony
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier
If you put these guys together you’d very nearly have Lyme Tyme, which would either be a great stable, or a terrible outbreak of disease. You know, for all their many, many faults, I kind of miss Cryme Tyme. Sure, they were terrible, but they were mine. Like…having a kid and putting his C Report card on the fridge or something. You really tried this month, Cryme Tyme! Way to go. Except instead of a report card, I would put up the ten seconds where they were in a stable with John Cena. Ted hits Dream Street on Shad for the win. Aw.
(ads)
Backstage….
Gail Kim: Oh, man! Look at all this pie. This reminds me to be thankful. Like, I’m thankful for not having to be in TNA anymore.
Alicia Fox: And I’m thankful that I’m not a jobber who gets naked for Korean cell phones.
Gail: Do you really want this apple pie in your face?
Alicia: Only if you want some of this coconut cream action.
Santino Marella: Ladies, ladies-a! I’m so-a sorry the Diversity-a Five reunion-a didn’t work-a out! But that’s-a no reason to turn-a this segment into-a the Three Stooges-a!
Of course, Santino gets both pies. And a lemon meringue and banana cream courtesy of the Bellas, and a pumpkin from Eve. Vickie comes in to try to sneak in a shot with some French silk, but Santino dumps it on her, instead. Mmm…French Silk.
Tough Enough Jessie: OH NO! MY PIES!! WAAAAAAAAH!
Hey, it’s Jesse Ventura and Vince McMahon out to do commentary. They both look old and ridiculous. This should’ve been done at MSG.
(ads)
Breakthrough Battle Royal
Ignoring any of the in-ring stuff for now (and trust me it’s always safe to do that), the real story of the match is Vince and Jesse ripping each other apart on commentary. You kind of get the feeling that Jesse’s been waiting 20 years to do this, so he’s not holding back now. Also hilarious is Vince pointing out the logical fallacy of having a “Breakout” Battle Royal in which the competitors (including Randy Orton!) have all basically had title shots in the last year, and a handful of them have already been champions. If you count the NWA Title, that is. Kofi channels Shelton briefly and throws Randy Orton out, but Sheamus dumps him at the six minute mark. All this build up for that?! And SHEAMUS is main eventing a PPV? Sure it’s only WWE Another Gimmick PPV but Sheamus? Really? No. Really? Sheamus?! Mmmhmmm.
(ads)
Now we get a contract signing, which is like the icing on this great Sheamus cake. Maybe he’ll hit a Bicycle Kick (the finisher of champions!) and put Cena out of his misery.
Ventura: Has this show always felt this long? Youch. Now, do you two have anything to say before we sign paperwork in what I’m sure will be simply enthralling TV?
Sheamus: Me, you guys? Really? I mean, not that I don’t appreciate it but…come on. You do realize that my most significant feud on this show to date was with Jamie Noble…right?
Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YOOOO!
Ventura: Ok. That’s enough of that.
Cena: YO!
Sheamus what is this?
Some kind of joke?
What kind of pipe,
Did Triple H toke?
I keep thinking,
Men are from Mars,
Women from Venus!
What planet birthed Sheamus?
I think you know it,
You know what it’s name is,
The origin of this guy,
Was trippin’ on Uranus!
I cannot believe,
Barely a RAW Main Event,
Putting it on Pay Per View,
Every other match is spent.
I’ll just tell you this once,
Let me make something clear,
You are Sheamus,
And the CHAMP IS HERE!
Ventura: I’m really sorry I asked. You know, I used to hate champions like you, that were just merchandise whores who appeal to young women and children. And I still do. You are the worst.
Sheamus loads up and BICYCLE KICK TO CENA~! THE FINISHER OF CHAMPIONS~! Then he throws him through the table or whatever. For what it’s worth Jesse looks kind of sad to have been involved with this.
Next Week: It’s all Sheamus, all the Time, which means you should probably wear some sunglasses. Also, Triple H and Shawn Michaels have the most serious midget lawsuit ever. EVER! And…Verne Troyer. For some reason.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Gobble Gobble
Happy Thanksgiving from Hock Show Dot Com!
(World of Warcraft Wednesday will return next week)
Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 10
1. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 1
Are Thankful For: A cushy first half schedule, which has basically put them in the Playoffs already.
2. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 2
Are Thankful For: Peyton Manning’s new best friend Justin Timberlake teaching them all their hot new dance moves.
3. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 3
Are Thankful For: Somehow being able to add Jared Allen, Adrian Peterson, Percy Harvin, and Brett Favre in the past few years.
4. New England Patriots
Last Week: 7
Are Thankful For: The fact that Tom Brady doesn’t mind getting knocked to the ground every ten seconds behind a revolving door offensive line.
5. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 6
Are Thankful For: A second chance to put down the Broncos, and put themselves solidly in first place in the AFC West.
6. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 4
Are Thankful For: Chad Ochocinco selling out all their home games for them. The fan apathy in Cincinnati is depressing.
7. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 10
Are Thankful For: A running game making a sudden appearance when they can’t count on Kurt Warner, or…of course, Matt Leinart.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 5
Are Thankful For: Ben Rothlisberger being Ok, for the most part. I don’t know if they could last going into the next few games with Dennis Dixon as the starting quarterback.
9. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 8
Are Thankful For: The Washington Redskins offense. Because, seriously, there’s no way they should’ve won that game otherwise.
10. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 13
Are Thankful For: Robot Sheldon Brown. I don’t know how, but the guy usually manages to pull through and play, even when he shouldn’t be able to.
11. New York Giants
Last Week: 14
Are Thankful For: The rollercoaster that is the NFC East somehow managing to keep them in contention for a playoff berth despite their near collapse mid-season.
12. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 19
Are Thankful For: The fact that they’re somehow in the Wildcard race despite a miserable start to the season and a fan base that has somehow reached negative digits.
13. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 9
Are Thankful For: The season. While things might not have panned out quite as they’d hoped after a 6-0 start, There isn’t a Broncos fan out there though, that wouldn’t have taken 6-4 before the season though.
14. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 11
Are Thankful For: Tony Gonzalez, who hasn’t been quite the catalyst to get them over the hump that they’d hoped he’d be, but has still been an excellent option and mentor for Matt Ryan.
15. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 18
Are Thankful For: Being in the Playoff hunt with no offensive line, defensive line, special teams, or healthy members of their secondary.
16. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 17
Are Thankful For: Ricky Williams returning to form since he’s been back with the team, and keeping them alive without Ronnie Brown.
17. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 12
Are Thankful For: Other teams having as many injuries as they have in this terribly unlucky streak.
18. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 15
Are Thankful For: Alex Smith finally making some plays. They’re not making a move quite yet, but now they don’t feel quite as bad for not drafting Aaron Rodgers.
19. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 23
Are Thankful For: Bud Adams deciding not to flip off the Houston Crowd, because I don’t think they could’ve handled that riot.
20. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 21
Are Thankful For: Steve Smith Classic making a comeback after being shut down earlier this season. Believe it or not, the Panthers might be making a move.
21. Houston Texans
Last Week: 16
Are Thankful For: The fans not cheering for Vince Young more than them, even though they lost. Which is a nice change of pace there.
22. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 20
Are Thankful For: Another running back playing well despite the team failing to get into the end zone at the end of the game. Again.
23. New York Jets
Last Week: 22
Are Thankful For: Mark Sanchez developing as a quarterback. He’s not as hot as he was at the beginning of the season, of course, but he’s learning on the job.
24. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 27
Are Thankful For: Another win, which means that Todd Haley will have to wait at least a couple hours before he starts screaming at them again.
25. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 28
Are Thankful For: Bruce Gradkowski at least being able to put the ball in the general vicinity of his receivers. Which is pretty new for them.
26. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 24
Is Thankful For: The winters in Toronto, which makes games in the Skydome much more appealing. Of course, L.A. is nicer.
27. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 25
Is Thankful For: T.J. Houshmandzadeh, because, for better or for worse, he’s there and not in Minnesota.
28. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 26
Are Thankful For: A defense that somehow is making their offense look a little less depressing. I mean, they sort of almost won that Cowboys game.
29. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 31
Are Thankful For: The Cleveland Browns, who somehow couldn’t beat the Lions. And hey! A national TV game!
30. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 27
Are Thankful For: Steven Jackson, who still appears to be the only player on this team actually trying. And…Kyle Boller, I guess.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 29
Are Thankful For: The Creamsicle jerseys, which somehow simultaneously remind them of how much worse things could be, and that they actually played good once this season.
32. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 32
Are Thankful For: The fact that the season is more than half over.
YouTube Monday: Professional Football
Where else can you see a neo-conservative who believes Guantonimo Bay was a great thing for diplomacy throwing a football to the liberal Democrat who’s trying to shut that whole process down?
Bonus: The disappointed kids in the background who didn’t get to catch Brees’ ball because Obama blew through and intercepted it.
Hock Show Weekend Top Five for Nobember 15th – 21st, 2009
1. Oprah Is Just a Quitter. Oprah Winfrey is stopping production on her show effective 2011, so that she can focus on the development of her new cable network. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to miss the Oprah show and all the…the…um…wait, what did that show ever give me?
2. OMG New Moon Is the Most Popular Movie, Like, Ever, Ok? The second movie in the “Twilight Saga” opened to record numbers across the world on Thursday, proving that there’s nothing tween girls love more than pale, thin British guys and guys with unibrows who don’t wear shirts.
3. Tila Tequilla Has Done Gone Crazy. She’s kept a fairly low profile (well, for her anyway) since her case against ex-boyfriend, Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman was dropped. Until, that is, she started doing naked poledances on WebCam site StickAM, which she did until her lawyer shut her down and whisked her away to wherever naked leprechauns go when these sorts of things happen.
4. This Is the Most Hilarious Fight Ever. Apparently, members of 50 Cent’s entourage got into a fist fight with Marv Albert this week when Albert went to introduce himself to Fiddy at the Jimmy Kimmel show and they didn’t know who he was. Albert denies the rumors, but I think he’s just trying to spare them some grief. Did these buff dudes get their asses kicked by a senior citizen in lingerie? YES!
5. This Was Bound to Happen, at Pretty Much Every Sports Game. After Anahiem Ducks skater Scott Niedermayer scored a game winning goal over Tampa Bay this week, he did the nice thing and gave his used stick to a young girl in the crowd. Which was perfect, until some dude grabbed it out of her hands and took off. I’m…honestly just shocked that this doesn’t happen more often. Which is really sad.
RAW Satire for 11/16/09
Last Week: The Superfluous U
Backstage….
Luis Guzman: Yeah. I wanted to buy RAW, but they said they didn’t know who I was. Come on, man! I was in Carlito’s Way! And the direct to video sequel!
Roddy Piper: That’s great, whoever you are, but you’ve got the sickness! It’s infested you.
Guzman: Omigod! H1N1?!
Piper: That’s why I came back! To buy RAW with all the money I had left, and purge this world of the evil of Professional Wrestling.
Guzman: Do you suppose I could be a guest judge on “Iron Chef?”
Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Probably not. As you can tell by my appearance, only people of a certain quality are allowed onto Iron Chef.
Guzman: So I’d have to be bald then?
Iron Sheik Wrestling Iron Sheik: I am Iron Sheik! It is play on words, Louis Goldman! I loved you in Taking Pelhams 123! It was Oscar worthy performance. I AM HEELING YOU! I never saw that movie! I bet it was awful! I spit on its cinematic integrity! Hack Ptooie!
Guzman: I never should’ve shown up here tonight.
Bella Twins: We agree.
Piper: AH! Stop doing that!
Sheik: Do not listen to Rodman the Pipester! What man wears dress? Wearing a dress is something Hulkster Hogan would do! Hack Ptooie! Let’s go on tour in Australia together!
Piper: We’ll make hundreds!
Sheik: I AM HEELING ON YOU AGAIN! We make nothing! I leave you to be picked clean by koalas!
Iron Chef Masters: Just…roll the credits.
(Opening Credits)
Ooh! The new opening credits! They’re…just like the old ones. Only…you know…Nicklebackier.
Montel Vontavious Porter vs. The Miz
For the WWE United States Title
Tonight MVP stands for Most Valuable Player, oddly enough, none of whom play for the Yankees, according to Miz. Now, Rick Scaia’s eleventh favorite baseball team is the Yankees (as has firmly been established in his nineteen page long wrestling updates about him watching the Yankees, with a throwaway line about Prince Iakea thrown in at the end), but I hate them. So I’m with Miz on this one. In fact, I’m pretty much always with Miz. Mostly because I heard once that he was Awesome. Don’t remember who told me that though. Miz wins with his move. That’s his move! That Girl from The View is not pleased with the results. You know…not Whoopi, Barbara, or That One from Survivor.
(ads)
Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guerrero
Santino is getting the best heat…Cheap heat. He’s wearing every single New York sports jersey possible, including, for some reason, a California Redwoods shirt. Chavo controls the majority of the match, as per the usual with Santino. However, the tides turn when Hornswoggle prances out in Mirror Chaps and hits the SUPERKICK TO CHAVO(‘s knee). Santino with the roll-up. Santino wins! Match of the night so far! I don’t think DX is too happy about this.
Triple H: We’re not too happy about this.
Shawn Michaels: I mean, you want to pretend you’re in DX? Dress up in official DX merchandise that you purchased at WWEShop.com or any of the merchandise booths located throughout the concourse? Great! But you do not mess with a man’s mirror chaps.
HHH: He’s pretty serious about this mirror chap thing. He could go all day about it. Hey! Sherri Shepherd! The other other other girl from The View. What’s up? You want to pretend to have read this copy of the DX Crime Novel? We’re much more popular than MVP!
Michaels: -PRETTY SURE THAT’S THE ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT-
HHH: Let me try something. John Cena.
Crowd: BOOO!
HHH: Heh. Still got it.
Michaels: -HANDCRAFTED LEATHER WITH LITTLE MIRRORS THAT WHYSPYR SPENT ALL MORNING GLUING ON-
HHH: Ugh. Handcrafted, come on out.
A wild Hornswoggle emerges.
HHH: Look, I don’t really care about any of this but as you can see-
Michaels: -LIKE GARY COLEMAN AT A GAY RODEO-
HHH: Shawn’s a little miffed about this. Do you have anything you’d like to say?
Hornswoggle: I’m really sorry, guys. I just wanted to be cool.
PEDIGREE TO HORNSWOGGLE~!
Crowd: Boo!
HHH: Heh. Still got it.
Michaels: Woah. Did you just turn us heel?
HHH: I…guess?
Michaels: And who are we feuding against at Survivor Series?
HHH: Um…Finlay maybe? Or…Is it Santino?
Michaels: I really should’ve kept that burger flipping job.
(ads)
Did you know that WWE has run shows at Madison Square Garden? Apparently Michael Cole doesn’t believe that you do!
Backstage…
Roddy Piper: I’ve got these coconuts because it’s the only thing anybody remembers me for! That and chewing gum! I was a wrestler for 100 years! Does anybody remember that?! NEVER! Why I remember back in aught three when I teamed with Sean O’Haire who also had the sickness, and you can tell because he had three or four sicknesses and that’s why come he was always wearing that coat, and then I took out a coconut again because that’s what I do why does everyone only remember the coco-
Chris Jericho: Will you shut up for ten seconds so I can get in my weekly segment with the new owner?
Piper: Chris Jericho! I remember when you were in WCW? You remember that? There were coconuts millions of coconuts why in the world did you have coconuts in WCW that didn’t make any sense because there weren’t enough Samoans there at the time to hit in the head back in the day all we had were-
Jericho: Ahem.
Piper: And now the musical stylings of Chris Masters!
Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters somehow manages to play “Boom Boom Pow” on some crystal glasses. The Bella Twins are properly impressed. Jericho looks…sort of sad.
And in the audience? The OTHER Black Eyed Peas. I do love this sort of, “Well…here’s who we could get” feeling of the celebrity appearances. Next, like, the ugly Jonas Brother and Tito Jackson are going to show up. I think this is Apl. De Ap and The King of Town, for what it’s worth.
Backstage, two people who are even less important are walking around.
(ads)
Bwahaha! Speaking of third tier celebrities, here’s The Fat White Guy from 30 Rock Who Isn’t Alec Baldwin. Seriously you guys? Hug Man from that Dave Matthews video? Anyway, he introduces our next match.
Alicia Fox vs. Melina
In a Lumber”Jill” match for the WWE Diva’s Title
I almost typed Women’s Title there. I’ve got to get my head in the game. I think at least two or three of the girls on the outside aren’t from this show. Did they think I wouldn’t notice?! Well…They’re pretty much right, actually. Mostly because I have no idea which ones aren’t Except, Michelle McCool, of course, but she’s there because she’s contractually obligated to follow Taker around. Melina with…her move (That’s her move!) for the win. After the match, the girls start fighting, of course. Can’t they control themselves for one night? Geez.
(ads)
Hey! It’s Piper’s Pit. Michael Cole can’t control himself and immediately starts talking about how WWE somehow bamboozled USA into giving them a new contract. I’m ignoring it though, because I’m trying to think if they have any Samoans still on roster that Piper could hit. I don’t think they do!
Roddy Piper: Get that camera out of the ring! I’m old and I’m gonna be pacing and rambling until somebody comes out here to stop me. You know, I don’t know why Hogan didn’t invite me on his tour of Australia. I’m a bigger name than 90% of those guys and I’m a better wrestler even though I don’t have any hips and you remember when I was on that HBO show and said that we all did steroids and Vince McMahon, oh now there’s a guy who has the sickness, Vince I know you’re backstage and I have something to ramble on about to you so I want you to come out here and tell me why there’s no more mayonnaise in my fridge, I’m pretty sure I bought some last week when I went shopping for cantaloupes, which until that time I thought was a little deer from Afric-
Vince McMahon: What…the hell is going on out here? I can’t believe I approved of you buying RAW. You look terrible, and not because you’ve been sick either. You dyed your hair weird and your knees man…that doesn’t look good. Hell, I look better than Triple H, Rock, and Steve Austin combined! If Jesus was a wrestler, I’d look better than him too!
St. Bartholomew: He was a wrestler, remember? He managed Carlito.
Vince: Who the hell are you?
St. Bart: Bartholomew, Son of Talemai. You…couldn’t get any better Apostles. Sorry, bro.
Vince: Anyway, the point is that I know you’re trying to goad me into fighting, but I won’t because I’m retired.
Piper: RETIRED?! That’s just another word for Cantaloupe!
Vince: …Huh?
(ads)
Hey, look it’s Sheamus. No, I don’t care either. He’s sad because Jamie Noble retired and now nobody wants to talk to him, because pretty much everybody liked Jamie Noble more than Sheamus. So he does what every depressed heel in the history of our great sport has done for the last thirty years: Attacks WWE Timekeeper Mark Yeaton. That poor guy has been beaten up so many times, you guys. Jerry “” Lawler comes over because it’s time to start his twice annual random feud, and Sheamus takes him down with a Bicycle Kick. There it is! Finisher of Champions!
(ads)
Seriously, though, Jerry? You’re going to waste your winter feud on Sheamus? Really? Matt Striker is on commentary now, and Cole bothers spending ten minutes explaining that Matt “just so happened to be at RAW tonight, what are the odds?” Come on, dude. We all know Matt Striker doesn’t watch RAW.
Eva-
(ads)
Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
Well…way to ease Striker into commentary mode, I guess. You can tell he really misses calling Evan Bourne matches. I’m not sure why, but he does. Bourne goes for a backflip, but Swagger catches him and turns it into a power bomb, which is his move, for the win. That was only a minute or so long! Poor Matt Striker has been holding out this long for that?! Come on, guys! Somebody should be punished for this. Make Jack Swagger do some push-ups or something. Or…buy me a push-up. A strawberry one.
Backstage, Roddy Piper runs into Jo from Family Ties.
(ads)
Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Vince McMahon
In a Street Fight
You knew this wasn’t going to happen, right?
Roddy Piper: I knew Vince wouldn’t show up, because he has the sickness and when I came out here tonight and laced up these boots, and put on this underwear and my skirt and I took a Viagra and combed my hair and brushed my teeth and turned on an old episode of Matlock and-
Randy Orton: Forsooths! Rocky Rookie Biker! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Holster of the WHO Girl’s Chocolatchip. And I couldn’t help but spear you out here wrangling on and on about nothing in testicular, and I wanted to wrangle too! Did you know Coffee Jobtown dumped paint on my crotch and ruiniered my NAFTA car?
Piper: Randy Orton, you know I loved you like a son because me and your dad were on the road together and then he bought some doughnuts one night and we decided to eat them with some coffee jobtown, but the hotel was all out of filters, and I laughted because “I came here to drink coffee and put in filters and we’re all out of fliters” so I started to eat without coffee and it was-
Orton: Do you like Caring Bears? It was my fortunate TV show when I was a children. My favorite one was Popple Snarf who had a bard and made out with Snarfette all the time because they were trying to get away from the evil forceps of Coda and the Coda Commandant. So they all rode off on their My Littlest Portlies.
Piper: FIVE YEARS LATER and I still can’t move my left knee because instead of getting a new knee put in, I had them put a whole bunch of pudding because I love pudding and I want to be called Ol’ Pudding Knees from now on because that was my name back in Mid South, Jerry Lawler used to call me Ol’ Pudding Knees because I wa-
Kofi Johnston runs out and kicks them both in the head to shut them up. Man, talk about your fourth tier celebrities. Kofi runs Orton down the stage, but Randy reverses field. Kofi’s about to fall over, but a plethora of referees come out to hold him up. They keep him upright just long enough that he’s able to gather himself and jump off onto Randy, through a table. That was stupid, pointless, and dangerous. Maybe he really is Shelton!
(ads)
John Cena: Oh man! How in the world did I miss horrible celebrity night! You’d think I would be all over this! Ok…Ok…Um…Telly Savalas! Ernie Hudson in Ghostbusters! Um…Dirk Benedict. Amy Acker! Marvin Powell! That Dragon that lived under the stairs in The Munsters. Alfonso Ribeiro. The other guy from Chips. The entire cast of Step Up 2: The Streets. THE CHAMP IS HERE!
(ads)
JeriShow vs. Degeneration X vs. John Cena and The Undertaker
Oh boy! Undertaker Druids! I love when they drag these guys out of mothballs. Especially when they’re played by the cast of Saved by the Bell: The College Years. Hi, Mr. Belding! An update on what songs are currently stuck in my head: The Ghostbusters theme, thanks to that last segment, and…for some reason, “Lady in Red” by Chris De Burgh. She’s dancing with me! Three members of the teams are in the ring at the same time. That’s not how this works, is it? HHH and Taker both attack Show, which is kind of a dick move, but they turn on each other pretty quickly. Then, about five minutes in, they realize that we’re already in the overrun, so it’s just a finisher-palooza. That’s His Move indeed. Cena finishes things off with an Attitude Adjustment on Hunter though. He’s so dumb. You NEVER win going into the PPV! Then Taker comes back in and hits him with the Tombstone. Which…I would too if John Cena was my partner. But I’m confused as to what that means for Survivor Series.
Sunday Sunday Sunday: Who will Survive? Probably Not Sheamus. Randy Orton’s Team beats on Kofi Johnston’s team when they all accidently trip over Chris Tian’s flailing career. Also, the final, epic showdown between DX and Hornswoggle. Er…I mean John Cena. John Cena and Hornswoggle. Wait….
World of Warcraft Wednesday: Darnassus
I suppose I should start out by mentioning that Darnassus will always hold a special place in my heart. It was the first “big city” I ever saw, and while my friends always told me that I’d be more blown away by Stormwind, the truth is I’ve always liked Darnassus more.
Well, the look of it anyway. With the open pagodas, the giant tree men stomping around, the wisps darting in and out. It’s generic Elf fantasy stuff, but executed in the best way possible. It’s so big it’s imposing, but it’s open and homey.
Unfortunately, that’s also what makes Darnassus insufferable. Everything’s spread out all to hell, and, for example, if you had the misfortune of setting your hearth to Darnassus and wanted to hearth back to the Auction House, you’re in for a long ass walk to do your business. Nevermind that the nearest flight path is actually a million miles away, through a portal, down a hill, and across a bridge that has a bunch of curves in it so don’t even think of AFKing until you get on that hippogryph.
Convenience: F
The bank is centrally located and has a mailbox, I guess, but the convenience begins and ends there.
Darnassus feels like the first city Blizzard designed, because there’s actually quite a bit of rhyme and reason to why things are the way they are. Merchants are here, trade professions here, quest hubs here, here’s a temple, there’s the bank, here’s the fuck-it portal to the flight path because we ran out of room.
But…um…They didn’t really bother to put any of these things all that close to each other. The bank is nowhere near the auction house, the skill guys aren’t close to the vendors, and heaven forbid you want to take up mining (you can’t here). It’s pretty clear that they built with aesthetics in mind, and then realized, “Oh crap. This doesn’t work.”
Take for example that everything is built over a giant pond. And back in Vanilla/Burning Crusade, if you wanted to take a shortcut across the pond to, I don’t know get from the bank to the auction house without running for five minutes, you’d get dismounted. I know it’s a minor gripe, but seriously?
Oh, and in addition to the great flight path in the middle of nowhere, there’s a boat that can take you to Auberdine that is completely worthless, unless you’re a non-elf making his first visit to Darnassus/a Horde trying to kill Tyrande.
Ambiance: A
Like I said, the tree people, whisps, forest, creatures wandering to and fro, Darnassus is the gem of the Alliance. It’s kind of what you’d hope every non-Tolkien elf city would look like. One big fancy pants tree house to party in.
There actually isn’t much in the way of “extra” things happening here, though. There’s some content added in preparation of Cataclysm with a Highborne mage trying to get into the Temple, but that’ll be gone by the time the expansion drops.
Special Features: C
There are trainers for most classes, but not all, and for most skill professions but not all (no mining because there are no nodes in Teldrassil). I suspect this will change in the future, but as of now, Darnassus is the most no-frills city in-game.
Key Stats
Average Population: Low (except in RP Realms)
Class Trainers: Warrior, Warlock, Hunter, Priest, Paladin, Rogue, Mage, Druid
Best Feature: Best large city access for Alliance in Kalimdore
Worst Feature Poor design makes getting anywhere a chore.
Recommended Hearth for Levels: 6-10
Darnassus is a great city to visit, but you won’t want to hearth there. It’s pretty much the only major Alliance city with a flight path to the old world (despite what Theramore will tell you, it’s not a major city), but it’s not a place you’ll want to spend any time because doing anything here is a hassle.
Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 9
1. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 1
Little bit of a scare there against the Rams. But seriously, it was just the Rams, was there ever a doubt?
2. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 2
Remember when Peyton Manning used to be a huge choke artist who couldn’t win a big game to save his life? I think that’s a thing of the past.
3. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 3
One can only hope that someday, Adrian Peterson will learn how to hold onto the football.
4. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 6
You know, if one half crazy disappointment of a running back can succeed in this system…why the hell not?
5. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 4
The Steelers suddenly find themselves with mounting injury problems and stuck in a race for the Wild Card.
6. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 9
If only LaDanian Tomlinson could make a woman pregnant every week. Oh wait, that’s Travis Henry.
7. New England Patriots
Last Week: 5
You kind of had to know that at some point, that 4th down play would come back to bite the Patriots. Lucky for them, nobody else in the AFC is really playing hard.
8. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 7
The Cowboys just looked flat on Sunday. Which is difficult, considering the presence of Wade Phillips.
9. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 8
Kyle Orton is hurt and the Broncos are in a tailspin. Good news/bad news: they play the Chargers this week for control of the West.
10. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 16
Hey! Look everyone! A running game! Sort of! I wonder if Beanie will be able to maintain this for the rest of the season.
11. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 10
If Michael Turner is out for a while, the Falcons could be in trouble. Matt Ryan is turning the ball over too much, and they’re falling further and further behind New Orleans.
12. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 13
The offense hasn’t looked good in the past few weeks, but they’re running out of opportunities for the defense to save them. Flacco and company need to start flashing like they did earlier this season.
13. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 8
McNabb was brilliant, but the Eagles’ issues run too deep. Let’s start with a lack of running game. At all. Not that they’ve ever had one, really, in Philly, but you have to at least pretend you’re going to try.
14. New York Giants
Last Week: 10
As good a week for a bye as you can get in New York. They’ve got to stop the bleeding pretty soon or Tom Coughlin is going to have to show some emotion.
15. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 20
Mike Singletary’s defense looked strong this week, holding off the Bears and gaining some measure of revenge for Coach Singletary’s…successful career in Chicago.
16. Houston Texans
Last Week: 17
Houston took a bye this week, and they’re fresh and ready to come back. Up next? Deciding what 3 games to win so they can finish 8-8.
17. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 15
Ronnie Brown is out, so the Wildcat won’t be so wild against the Panthers. Not that anything about a Dolphins/Panthers matchup.
18. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 19
Perhaps a playoff run for the Packers is not entirely out of the question. But this team is so schizophrenic that I think it probably is.
19. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 25
Heads up play by Maurice Jones-Drew, and he was even polite enough to apologize to his fantasy owners for not scoring. I wonder, though, if the Jags missed the kick, if he wouldn’t have been the goat.
20. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 17
It’s clearly not about the quarterback, you could put Jay Cutler in that backfield and he’s going to look terrible at times. There’s a culture of disaster developing in Chicago.
21. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 22
The Panthers looked ok, but they’re just playing for pride now. And even that might be a bit of a stretch.
22. New York Jets
Last Week: 18
And this year’s hot start followed by the team somehow living up to their amazingly low expectations award goes to…
23. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 25
Join us next week as Professor Bud Adams continues his lecture on, “How to React When You Find a Team Somehow Worse Than You.”
24. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 21
You know, I’ve had my popcorn ready all season, and now, I’m just going to go ahead and eat it. I’m sure it’s pretty stale by now, but I hate seeing it go to waste.
25. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 23
Jim Mora has assimilated into Seahawks culture pretty well. It only took him nine weeks to start blaming the referees for his team’s horrible record.
26. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 31
Do the Redskins really have three wins now? How in the world have they been able to find two teams playing poorly enough to lose to them?
27. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 28
So that’s the secret! Cut your best player and suddenly everything will fall into place. Todd Haley is a genius.
28. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 26
Supposedly, the Raiders are weighing the options as to whether a guy running on one leg, Charlie Frye, or JaMarcus Russell will give them the best chance to win. Well….
29. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 27
Honestly, if they were any better, they’d probably been able to wrap that game up against the Saints. As it was, I guess we should just all be proud that they gave it a try.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 29
Back to their losing ways. But at least they’re taking it on the chin and not bitching about the officiating. Oh…wait.
31. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 28
Whatever they fed Leigh Bodden before the game, they should give it to the whole team. How he caught Adrian Peterson from behind, I’ll never know.
32. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 30
Not even extra timeouts are going to help the Browns this year. The NFL should just spot them 14 points every game and see what happens.
