Last Week: Johnny Damon spread Christmas cheer, mostly by not saying too much. Also, Chris Jericho revealed that he was actually Santa. And DX learned something about being midgets or something. Maybe they’ll remind me…TONIGHT!

Outside….

Chris Jericho: Come on! Let me in! Fans? Don’t you want to see me on RAW? Wait…why am I out here trying to get into RAW? That’s a horrible idea. I hate this show.

Tommy Dreamer: Tell me about it.

Jericho: What are you doing out here, Tommy?

Dreamer: I quit the other day, so I can’t go in either.

Jericho: I know that. So why are you spending your free time hanging out outside of RAW? I mean I get why I’m doing it. To absorb as much TV time as possible. But why you?

Dreamer: I just sort of realized that I have literally nothing better to do than show up at WWE events like I always did. And even though I’m not getting paid, it’s not really any different than ECW.

Jericho: Nothing better to do? Aren’t you still married to Beulah?

Dreamer: Yup. Ok, I’m out of here! Have fun being the new me!

Jericho: Oh God. Oh no.

(Opening Credits)

John Cena is in the ring, and he looks pissed off about something. Probably just realized he’s feuding with Sheamus. Poor guy.

John Cena:

Can’t believe I lost
In a stupid match,
Sheamus has the title,
Man, what’s the catch?

He barely won the title,
Now he’s got my belt,
Spinnin’ World Champion?
More like Stupid World Celt!

But I’m not going to cry,
Or drown myself in beer,
Because I’m too stupid,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Or…was here. Because I lost. To Sheamus.

Sheamus: I know I’m lame, but how in the hell did you ever win the title in the first place?

Cena: WWE UNIVERSE!

Cena dumps Sheamus through a table. Good to see them keeping their champion strong.

(ads)

Backstage, Timbaland is surrounded by beautiful women. Ok…It’s just the Bella Twins and Gail Kim.

Timbaland: Where in the hell did all the girls who were in my music video go?

Bella Twins: They were almost all fired!

Timbaland: Don’t ever do that again, unless it’s whispered lightly into my ears.

Gail Kim: I won a wrestling match!

Timbaland: I don’t care! Um…I don’t care about John Cena or Sheamus, so I probably won’t book that match tonight.

Kim: Aren’t you, like, personally offended by everything John Cena does and stands for?

Timbaland: I rerecorded One Republic’s “Apologize” by saying “Yeah” a lot, and pretended that it was my song. I even released it as my single at the same time as they did.

Kim: He brought Tha Trademarc to rap.

Timbaland: He must pay!

Elsewhere…

*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Cody Rhodes: Dude, I can’t believe they picked you to be The Marine II. I would have been so much Marinier.

Ted DiBiase: Do you really think anybody would pay to see a movie starring Cody Rhodes?

Rhodes: About as many would watch a movie staring you. And by that I mean zero.

DiBiase: Touche.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WTO Girl’s Chocolatechip. And general men, I must admin, The Lemony has been a failure.

Rhodes: I can’t disagree.

DiBiase: Being with you has meant nothing to our careers.

Orton: None of us hold typos, none of us win mattress, hell we can’t even put away Kodi Johansson.

DiBiase: I don’t disagree.

Rhodes: We’re with you so far.

Orton: That’s why I’m brokering Todd against Evil Bored and Couchy against Matt Hardy, and the loser gets kickered out of the Lemony for ether!

Rhodes: He gets Evan Bourne…EVAN BOURNE! And I have to fight Mark Henry?!

Orton: To be pharaoh, Todd is the star of The Margarine 22, and you, Couchy, are nautical.

DiBiase: I’ve never been so proud of an accomplishment in my life.

Outside the arena, Chris Jericho weeps into an old PPV shirt.

(ads)

Chris Jericho status: Still outside. Still crying. He’s sitting at a desk now, cradling a Singapore Cane. When he realizes what he’s doing, he throws the cane and starts bawling again.

Ted DiBiase vs. Evan Bourne

Did you want to check out some sweet behind the scenes clips of The Marine Too? Check it out, bro! Ted DiBiase is, like, a marine or something! Evan starts backflipping to start. Thank God they’re taking this TNA threat seriously. Bourne actually does hit a couple moves, before Ted manhandles him, finishing things off with a Dream Street for the win. After the match, Randy Orton sort of claps, but you can tell he’s kind of pissed that he can’t seem to shed Cody or Ted.

(ads)

Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Henry

Mark throws Cody across the ring to start. An auspicious beginning for Couchy. The story of this match is that Mark Henry is big, fat and strong, and Cody Rhodes is…Cody Rhodes. Whatever happened to Mark coming out and dancing and rapping, anyway? MVP is really slipping in trying to get Mark over. The finish comes when Henry is so fat that he injures his own knee and Cody DDTs him for the win. Randy Orton is actually livid at ringside, because DiBiase is one thing but this…Still, he’s nice enough that he hugs Couchy after the match.

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse

Leave it to Michael Cole to point out that these are the only two women on this show that were actually in that Timbaland video. That still doesn’t justify this match, though. Actually, other than Mickie these two are pretty much my favorite women’s wrestlers, so whatever. I can’t hate Timbaland for this. Maryse with a DDT (She stole that move from Cody!), and then she crawls over Kelly for the win. That was…huh. Women’s match of the night! Afterwards, Maryse challenges Melina to a match for some reason.

(ads)

Outside….

Big Show: Jericho?! What in the hell are you doing standing outside? Shouldn’t you be at home?

Chris Jericho: Show! Show! You’ve got to help me! I think I’m turning into Tommy Dreamer! I mean I hate RAW, but I’m still here…like I’m addicted to it. And I need to be accepted or I’ll cry.

Show: That’s ridiculous. Look, you’re getting a little weird, and I’m pretty sure I want nothing to do with you anymore.

Jericho: Are you breaking up with me?!

Show: Um…Yeah. I guess I am. Look, here. Take this mysterious envelope. It will explain everything.

Jericho: Goodbye, Show! We’ll always have that one RAW where we beat Cryme Tyme!

Show: Love the goatee you’re growing, by the way.

Jericho: NOOOOO!

Tough Enough Jessie: God, you’re such a baby!

Jericho: Oh yeah?! Well…maybe you’re the baby!

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAH!

Jericho: WAAAAH!

Meanwhile, in the ring….

Vince McMahon: So, I guess everybody read on the Internet that Bret Hart is coming in here. Well…You know what? Bret screwed Bret again! Did you see that picture of him in those Hammer Pants a couple years ago? I’ve done everything in my power to get rid of all the Hammer pants that infected WWE a few years ago, and I’m not about to allow them back in. No sir. And then a couple years ago? At the Hall of Fame induction? He ate all the split pea soup. The whole pot! And he didn’t even say thank you! I’ll never work with Bret Hart again.

Shawn Michaels: Never say never, Vince! Like never say that I won’t ever have another match against The Undertaker! Because that’s the feud I’ve decided to have this year.

Vince: Aren’t you supposed to be in DX for Wrestlemania this year?

Shawn: Ugh…As much as I’d love that I’d love to pretend like I was going to end The Streak even more.

Vince: Honestly, I don’t even care. I’m too obsessed over this feud with Bret Hart, so you do whatever you want. I thought you’d have my back on this one.

Shawn: Oh, as much as I hate Bret, and was creeped out by that whole HBearK thing a few years ago, but it’s all water under the bridge. I’d be happy to see him again!

Vince: That’s not really convincing coming from you.

Shawn: After the stroke, I’m pretty sure I could take him.

Vince: That sounds more like the Shawn Michaels I know and love. You’re on! Bret Hart will buy RAW next week!

Timbaland: Don’t I get a say in that?

Vince: Nope.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you…how in the hell did you lose the title to Sheamus?

Cena: Well-

Mathews: I mean this is the same guy that just lost to Goldust not a couple months ago….

Cena: You see, Josh-

Mathews: No. No answer you give will be good enough. Goldust, John. Gold. Dust.

Then Sheamus shows up and punches them both in the kidneys.

(ads)

Backstage….

Bella Twins: Timbaland’s CD must really be tanking if he showed up here tonight.

Gail Kim: I just think that’s creepy. Knock it off.

Timbaland: So what is this? The segment where we get all the black people on the show together because the host is black?

Montel Vontavious Porter: Pretty much. Seriously though, Justin Timberlake? What’s that all about?

Timbaland: That guy has made me a toooon of money, man.

Kofi Johnston: Am I late?!

Timbaland: No, whoever you are. You’re not late. Man, I’m so pissed off. I had it all set up that I was going to sell RAW to Bill Gates for a really sick computer.

Kofi: I’m going to win the U.S. Title tonight!

Timbaland: Pfft. MVP has a better chance of winning it than you!

MVP: HEY!

The Miz: Nobody’s winning the U.S. Title because I’m already the champion.

Kofi: Wait, really?

Timbaland: Really?!

MVP: Really?

Gail: Really?

Bella Twins: Really?

Gail: Knock that off!

Miz: Yes. Really. Hey Gail, wanna go make out next to Jericho?

Gail: Hecks no! I only associate myself with losers! Like Kofi here!

Kofi: Ye-HEY!

The Miz vs. Kofi Johnston

Kofi actually has to win this match before he gets his title shot, so he’d better be extra Shelton here tonight. Man, that last segment really drove home to me how lame the U.S. Title picture is right now. And I even like most of these guys. Of course all Cole and Lawler want to do is gibber about Bret Hart and, for some reason, Sheamus. Bret is like the Brett Favre of the WWE! And Sheamus is…translucent. Trouble In Suburban Ghana! Kofi wins!

(ads)

Kofi Johnston vs. The Miz
For the WWE United States Heavyweight Title

Woah, I got a serious case of déjà vu for a second there. I thought they said that this match was exactly the same as the last one. Oh…wait. That’s because it is. Except the title is on the line this time, which is nice. I really miss Miz’ hat. And when he wrestled in jorts. I know I shouldn’t be as bothered by that as I am, but there it is. Kofi hits the Trouble in Suburban Ghana (again), and looks poised to win, when suddenly he trips over Miz’ ring gear and falls over. Orton wins! Bring back the jorts! Randy doesn’t seem too interested in the U.S. Title, so he gives it back. Man, quit bitching about not having any titles then!

(ads)

Backstage, Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

Josh Mathews: Randy, do you have anything worthwhile to add to tonight’s proceedings?

Randy Orton: John Mayhew, I didn’t even know there was a Unionized Steak Typo.

Mathews: I thought not.

Degenera-

(ads)

Degeneration X vs. The Big Show and Chavo Guerrero

Jericho is sitting at ringside holding up signs about The Dudley Boyz for some reason. I guess I’d rather be Joel Gertner than Tommy Dreamer too. No offense, Tommy. I guess the mysterious envelope was tickets? Or maybe there was a sharpie in there to write the signs? I don’t know. Or care, really. I was wondering why in the hell Show would choose to team with Chavo here, but looking at the RAW roster who the hell else was he going to pick? Alicia Fox? Swagger maybe, but Show probably wouldn’t like getting spit on all the time. Hornswoggle comes out to lend some moral support, but Chavo attacks him. But then he walks right into the PEDIGREE TO CHAVO! DX wins. Jericho hops over the rail, but Shawn Superkicks him, and then HHH makes out with Francine for some reason. The moral of the story is that Jericho and Show get a rematch next week.

(ads)

Timbaland and the ladies are out. I’m a little pissed that nobody’s theme music has been slightly altered by Timbaland tonight. What was the point in letting him buy the show?

Timbaland: Man, I don’t even like wrestling. Here’s the bastard that brought Tha Trademarc to music. For that I will never forgive him.

John Cena vs. Sheamus
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title

I will never, ever get used to putting Sheamus’ name second there. Not even two years from now when he’s working on his seventh World Title. You know for all the pasty white-boy jokes we make about Cena, Sheamus is ridiculous. At least now we know what would’ve happened if Test won a World Title though, I guess. And not, you know…died. After a couple minutes of Sheamus utterly failing to do anything of note, Cena picks him up for the FU. At a loss for how to properly handle being picked up on a guy’s shoulders, Sheamus grabs WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda’s collar and screams, “He’s picked me up! HEEEELP!” So Chioda calls for the bell. Niiice. Sheamus is so slick! Cena tries to jump Sheamus after the match, because he’s kind of a dick, but Sheamus counters with a BICYCLE KICK! THE FINISHER OF CHAMPIONS! Sheamus reigns supreme!

Sheamus: I can’t believe I’m still the champion!

Next Week: Bret Hart comes out, frowns, and then leaves. Plus, Chris Jericho and the Big Show are defeated by a midget. And Sheamus Bicycle Kicks Dick Clark in the face.

Last Week: It was the Slammys, which meant Dennis Miller being boring for nine hours. Also, Sheamus Watch 2009 continued unabated. And finally, Chris Jericho was finally kicked off RAW FOREVER! Or at least until…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Aw, man, they finally took Hogan and Foley out of those. I was hoping they’d never notice! I don’t know why they replaced Foley with prison inmate Jeff Hardy and Hogan’s “Hulkamania Is Running Wild” with a sound byte of Cody Rhodes saying, “Hey guys, can I borrow a dollar?” though.

Here’s Johnny Damon, and nobody likes him. Poor Johnny Damon. I think it all started when he shaved off the Jesus beard. I mean, yeah, it’s partly the Yankees, who are a blight on Major League Baseball, but mostly because he lost the beard.

Johnny Damon: Hi. I am Johnny Damon. I play baseball. I…like…baseball thing. Merry Christmas. Tonight, a guy will get a thing. Ok. Bye!

Suddenly, a man dressed in a Tiger costume is being chased by Tough Enough Jessie. I believe this is the very moment that Tommy Dreamer’s heart broke, and he finally did not love wrestling any more. Of all the deaths in Hollywood this year, Tommy Dreamer’s love of professional wrestling is the one I will mourn the most. I mean…I don’t even know what the hell that was supposed to be about. They…finally got around to watching the news from last month?

I guess?

Melina, Kelly Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim vs. Jillian Hall, Alicia Fox, and Maryse

Good to see they’re getting some good use of the Slutty Santa costumes this year. Those things aren’t cheap. Not that I would…know. Things are pretty generic for a while, until Kelly tags in and things start getting Crazy Go Nuts. And by Crazy Go Nuts, I mean all six women kind of mill around the ring at once for a while, and then Melina dropkicks Kelly into Maryse for the win. I think she’s found the secret to beating Maryse. Kelly is like the chair to Melina’s Rob Van Dam. And I guess that makes Gail Fonzie. Heh.

(ads)

Oh boy, Little People’s court. Good to see they didn’t forget about this. Oh wait. No it isn’t.

Shawn Michaels: I thought we forgot about this.

Triple H: Yeah, but Johnny Damon is hosting tonight, and I don’t know if you’ve ever met him but his segments are going to be…short.

Shawn: Just like our opponents today in court!

HHH: Hahaha!

Shawn: Hahaha!

HHH: Seriously though, he’s terrible. Anyway, what do you suppose we’re going to find when we go under the ring?

Shawn: I hope it’s Narnia!!

They slide under the ring, and when they get all the way under there, they find themselves in…A basement.

HHH: That’s disappointing.

Kane: You’re telling me!

Shawn: Kane, why are you hiding in the basement under the ring?!

Kane: Guy’s gotta live somewhere, right? The living tax in Parts Unknown is horrible right now. Where do you think those ladders, stop signs and tables come from under the ring all the time anyway? I put them there. It’s this basement’s biggest export!

HHH: So wait, does the basement travel with the ring? Because this show is in a different place every week!

Kane: It’s best if you just don’t think about it. Anyway, the Little People’s Court is that way.

They even have a Little Doug Llewelyn. Ok, that’s kind of cute. The Baliff calls things to order by hitting Hunter and Shawn in the knees with a tiny nightstick. Aw.

Judge Wapner-cito: Order in the court!

Shawn: I’ll take a Big Mac extra value meal!

HHH: Do you guys have any McRibs?

Wapner-cito: Degeneration X, you could be brought here on trial for any one of about a billion different crimes you’ve committed over the past year, but mostly you’re just here because you’re picking on a midget. How do you plead?

Shawn: I usually fold the fabric into thirds, and then make a nice waving pattern with my sewing machine.

HHH: It’s really nice.

Wapner-cito: PLEAD! How do you PLEAD?!

HHH: Like, “I’m soooo sorry, Stephanie! I totally forgot that Aurora Borealis was in that shark tank!”

Shawn: I just usually kneel down and cry a lot.

Wapner-cito: I can’t believe it, but I’m literally the least stupid part of this segment.

Hornswoggle: AAAAAAAAAARGH!

Shawn: We did not call you fat!

(ads)

The Lemony vs. Kofi Johnston, Evan Bourne, and Mark Henry

I love how they sort of just gratuitously tacked Henry onto this match. Like, whelp, we’re one short, who else do we have backstage? I’m a little impressed that Mark’s not dressed as Santa tonight. That must’ve sapped all Vince’s willpower not to pull the trigger on that. Henry pretty much blows Cody out of the water for the first minute, but he quickly tags out to Kofi, because he’s an idiot. I mean, I like the jobber, but he’s no Shelton. Kofi gets the crap kicked out of him, of course.

(ads)

For some (admittedly hilarious) reason, Evan Bourne is the one who gets the hot tag coming out of the break. Yes, that Evan Bourne. The one that’s even smaller than Cody Rhodes. Bourne even gets some offense in before the Lemony realizes how stupid that is and curb stomps him for an hour. Evan finally gets a couple kicks in, though, and makes the hot tag to Kofi. What the hell ever happened to Mark Henry? Didn’t he used to be in this match? Kofi with the Trouble in Suburban Ghana on DiBiase for the win. Way to promote The Marine 2, dudes.

Backstage….

The Bella Twins: We’re going to get egg nog. Bye, Johnny.

Johnny Damon: I’m weirdly turned on and scared by that.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Who wants to put tinsel in Carlito’s hair? I’ll even let you put a Partridge in there? Eve do you want to get in on this action?

Eve Torres: I do not have a speaking part in this storyline.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Hey Carlito, can I use your hair to stage and dry all these Key Lime Christmas Cookies I’ve been slaving over?

Carlito: Get your pecs and your gross cookies away from me, man.

Sgt. Santa: ATTEN HUT! EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Damon: Why did I buy this show again?

Sgt. Santa: You’re pretty. Do you want to go back to the barracks and get not pregnant?

Damon: Ugh…You can’t be Santa anymore.

(ads)

Under the ring….

Beth Phoenix: OBJECTION! My clients couldn’t have punted that midget, they were training to perform shape shifting séances at the time!

Clarence Mason-cito: OBJECTION! That’s absurd!

Phoenix: HOLD IT! More absurd than there being a dimensional portal to a basement full of little people underneath a wrestling ring?

Mason-cito: I…uh…well….

Phoenix: No further questions, your honor.

Judge Wapner-cito: You weren’t questioning anyone….

Mason-cito: I object to the letter O! When you right it down it looks like a little butt, and I find that offensive.

Shawn Michaels: Oh my God, he’s right!

Triple H: Hillarious.

Wapner-cito: Honeysuckle, this is your case, do you have anything constructive to add?

Hornswoggle: AAAAAAAAH!

Wapner-cito: I thought not. My ruling is GUILTY! Of being the worse court segment on this show since that one time where Foley sued everybody. Now get out of here before I have Rusty-cito beat you all to death with his little nightstick.

Baliff Rusty-cito: I can do it too!

Doug Llewelyn-cito: So what did you guys learn from this case?

HHH: That we should never let my wife write angles for us?

Shawn: That underneath it all, Haphazard is just like us, only smaller. And he lives in a dimensional portal underneath the ring which leads to a basement where Kane makes pre-broken tables.

Kane: And I learned that I never should have invited those guys to live in my dimension, because now they set up a court and act like the run the place.

Wapner-cito: And I learned absolutely nothing. Sorry.

Hornswoggle: AHH!

Llewelyn-cito: Well, there you have it folks, in the case of the Juniors Division vs. DX, it looks like nobody came out a winner. Mostly because this was a terrible idea.

Super Porky: I’ve got the evidence that Hunter didn’t kill that hooker! Am I too late?

Llewely-cito: You’re always too late, fatty.

Then Super Porky eats a ham.

Elsewhere, John Cena appears lost. Turn left! Left! NO!!

(ads)

John Cena vs. Jack Swagger

Remember when this would’ve been a big deal main event? Ok, ok, just bear with me, remember when people actually would’ve watched this match instead of flipping over to see how horrible the Redskins are? Well…Ok…shut up. This is mostly just to set up me ranting about how far Jack Swagger has fallen in the past six months. You know what? I don’t even give a crap about Jack Swagger. In fact, you know what? Screw Jack Swagger. He’s getting what he deserves jobbing to everybody.

(ads)

Swagger’s actually got control of the match coming out of the break, which goes to show you that John Cena will sell for just about anybody. He lost the title to Sheamus, for Pete’s sake. Swagger breaks free of the FU, and power bombs Cena for two. They go back and forth like this for another hour or so. Man, this is a late contender for Match of the Year! It’s too bad they gave that award away in the middle of December for some reason. Who do they think they are? The Internet? Cena wins with an STF. Congratulations!

Backstage….

Johnny Damon: I don’t even watch wrestling. Who are these people?

Santy Rhodes: They gonna take a ride on tha mothaship if you wheeeeeel!

Damon: I don’t get it. Why does your costume have polka dots?

Santy Rhodes delivers a Bionic Elbow to Johnny Damon and grabs his sack.

Montel Vontavious Porter: I want a match against a Sheamus. Because seriously. Sheamus?

Damon: That sounds like a real “home run!” Get it? Because baseball?

Santy: Shut up. Somebody kiss me.

Then Santy makes out with his hand.

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters (w/ Eve Torres)
In a Candy Cane Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The challenger has a bunch of candy canes stuck in his hair while the Iron Chef is making out with his assistant. I don’t think anybody’s going to win this battle.

Fukui: The real winners are the fans.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Fukui-san, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Fukui: Thank you, Hatori-san. How…unusually generous of you.

Hatori: ‘Tis the season. Now take this sled and go outside and play. Your mother and I are going to practice flexing our pecs at each other.

Fukui: That’s really gross. In-

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Ugh. Go ahead.

Ohta: Merry Christmas, man.

Fukui: …Thank you.

(ads)

Backstage….

The Bella Twins: I thought Tiger Woods liked blondes.

That Tiger: Uh…Yeah, well I’m not a billionaire, so I don’t care.

Bellas: But the whole thing with him went down months ago. This is hardly topical.

Tiger: Look, we weren’t even going to bother with it, but then we found Eddie Guerrero’s old Tiger Mask costume in some closet and well…here we are.

Bellas: Well, just wanted you to know how lame this was.

The Miz: Yeah, I get twice as much play from waffle house managers as Tiger Woods anyway. Bernice, if you’re watching, Merry Christmas, sweetie. And Santa, while you’re here, can you get me some of them motorized hamsters? I can’t find them anywhere.

Irwin R. Santa: I…don’t even want to know what you’d want them for.

Miz: I’m going to sell them on eBay. Then I can become fake Tiger Woods rich!

IRSanta: Don’t forget to pay your taxes.

Miz: The real Santa doesn’t narc on people, Fake Santa.

Tiger Mask Woods gets chased off by that woman again. Sadly, for those two segments she probably made what I make in a year. Mae Young hobbles in and starts humping Johnny Damon for some reason.

Sergeant Slaughter: Oh come on! I called dibs!

(ads)

Timbaland?! If every wrestler doesn’t come out to slightly remixed music next week, I’m going to be so pissed.

Sheamus vs. Montel Vontavious Porter

Tonight, MVP stands for More Vegetables Please! MVP is suck a suck-up. Anyway, I hope Montel wins here because what would be pretty friggin’ hilarious. Instead, he gets in about two moves (a punch and then saying “Ballin’”) before Sheamus hits a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions, literally, I guess) and the Razor’s Edge for the win. After the match, John Cena runs out and tries to steal all Sheamus’ TV time, but nobody cares about either guy, so the camera just fades out instead.

(ads)

Backstage….

Johnny Damon: This show is terrible, how can you put up with being associated with it?!

Tough Enough Jessie: It’s the only job where nobody cares if I cry! WAAAAAAAH!

Vince McMahon: Johnny Damon! If it isn’t a guy who plays baseball. How do you feel about owning RAW, champ?

Damon: I sold it for a guest spot on Timbaland’s next album. But honestly, I want a refund. This place blows goats.

Vince: I wouldn’t go so far as goats, Johnny. Alpacas, maybe…but goats?

Damon: You know what would get a lot of people to watch even though they know how much the show is going to suck? Bret Hart.

Vince: Do you even know who Brett Hart is? Who told you to say that?

Damon: I read about it on the Internet?

Vince: DAMN YOU, INTERNET!

The Miz vs. Santino Claus

Santino is probably the best Claus we’ve had all night. Though, I guess he’s not the highest ranked. He’s got a bag of toys though, which is pretty nice. I wonder if he’s got any cameras in there, because I’m dying for a new one. Santino’s going to keep the accoutrements on, which is probably not a good idea. This sort of reminds me thought that I was kind of wondering what happened to Balls Mahoney. That poor guy never did get a piece of Kelly Kelly Kelly. Miz with his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. Afterwards, he stomps the crap out of Santino’s bag. Hey! My camera! And maybe a snake!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with The Big Show.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with the Big Show, and Show, I’ve got to ask you, why are you so mad?

Big Show: I NEED TO FIND THE REAL SANTA!

Mathews: Buddy, I hate to break it to you, but-

Show: But what, Josh? But what?

Mathews: I…don’t think he’s back here! Yeah. Try the ring, maybe?

(ads)

In the ring….

Big Show: Santa, if you’re really here tonight, will you please come out and grant me my wish?

Santa Claus: Hohoho…um…little boy! What can Santa do for you?

Show: I want a pony!

Santa: What do I look like a farmer? I don’t have any ponies. Are you sure you don’t want your partner Chris Jericho to come back to RAW?

Show: Hecks no! I want a goddamn pony!

Santa: Show! I thought we went over this! You were going to ask Santa for me to come back to RAW!

CHRIS JERICHO IS SANTA CLAUS! SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Show: You’re Santa?! How come you never told me that?! We were supposed to be buddies!

Jericlaus: Would you knock it off?

Show: So is this like a Santa Clause thing? Where you accidentally killed the real Santa, and now you have to take his place? Can I move to the North Pole with you?!

For some reason (I think it’s a Union thing, don’t tell Vince), Hornswoggle takes great offense to the mocking of Santa and his elves, so he attacks Jericho and Show. Soon, the whole ring is filled with little people, leading to the always hilarious image of Show bench pressing them with his fingers and tossing them into the roof.

DX, of course, can’t stand for this, because when they make fun of, beat up, and humiliate little people, that’s one thing. They’re faces. But Jericho and Show do it? Oh hell no! They successfully chase JeriShow out of the ring.

Triple H: Man. What a depressing show.

Shawn Michaels: I don’t know Hunter. We may have put on a crappy television program. But I think we’ve learned a valuable lesson. Midgets make great pets!

HHH: Oh come on. Are we really going there?

Shawn: I already bought a leash and a bowl for him. Hornswoggle’s going to stay in a little house outside Michaels Manor in San Antonio!

HHH: Michaels Manor?

Shawn: Hickenbottom Hovel doesn’t have quite the same ring.

HHH: How am I going to randomly build to a Wrestlemania match with Sheamus if I’m stuck doing humiliating crap like this?

Shawn: Dude…It’s Sheamus. You’ll come up with something.

Hornswoggle: And if you’re not down with this segment, I’ve got two words for ya!

And then it begins to snow, because a man becoming a stable’s pet is a Christmas Miracle. Or…Maybe it’s just dandruff from all the guys Show threw up into the rafters. Either way.

Next Week: Timbaland wonders where the hell all the Divas who were in his video went to (hint: They were fired!). Also, Sheamus continues a reign which is sure to go deep into the 2010s. And in a New Years celebration to end all New Years celebrations, CM Punk accidentally drinks a sip of champagne and goes on a two year long bender that ends with him sharing a cell with Jeff Hardy.