Archive for January 2010

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for January 24th – 30th, 2009

January 31, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. No, Nobody Still Cares About the Pro Bowl. About 90% of the rosters backed out, I’m pretty sure I’m listed as the starting fullback for the NFC. The NFL is falling all over itself to put the game back in Hawaii next year (some place people would actually want to go!). But now they can’t even keep people who are actually there in the game. Minnesota Viking Bryant McKinney showed up to Miami, went out drinking and figured he was having so much fun at that, he wasn’t going to bother, you know, doing any of the football stuff.

2. John Edwards Has a Sex Tape, Sees Dead People. You know what? I don’t care if former Senator John Edwards has a sex tape. I don’t even care that his former intern is running all over the place telling everybody that Edwards has a gigantic…chief of staff. What concerns me is that, apparently, other people actually care about his. Like…really, you guys? An old man with terrible teeth? That’s what you want to see?

3. There Are No Hit Points in Prison. If you want to go exploring strange caves in prison, I guess you’ll just have to…explore somebody’s strange cave, because the State of Wisconsin has banned Dungeons and Dragons from their facilities, because they promote escape fantasies. As…opposed to just sitting around in prison, I guess.

4. The Grammys Are Tonight. Ah, finally the awards ceremony that’s even more useless than the People’s Choice Award. Somewhere, Amy Winehouse is throwing up in your honor. Or maybe it’s not in your honor, I don’t think she knows where she is right now. I love the Grammys, because something nuts always happens. This year? I’m guessing Kanye finally hooks up with Taylor Swift.

5. Rip Torn Is the Best Celebrity. Some “hardcore” rapper is going to win a Grammy tonight, but the real hardcore superstar? Emmy winner Rip Torn, who got wasted and tried to rob a bank in Connecticut this week. Ridiculous, but the guy’s a character actor and probably doesn’t have as much money as you might think. I’ll still always remember him as…that guy…that one time.

RAW Satire for 1/25/10

January 28, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Don Johnson and Jon Heder were not Kristen Bell, which was very unfortunate. Also, The Undertaker showed up, rolled his eyes at Shawn Michaels and then left. Anybody seen Sheamus lately? Maybe he’ll show up…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Degeneration X, and they don’t look too happy with each other. Maybe it has something to do with Hunter throwing Shawn out of the ring. Or maybe they got into a fight about who got the mirror backstage. I don’t know why Shawn’s complaining, he’s got chaps for that.

Shawn Michaels: Dammit, Hunter, you just won the Rumble eight years ago! It’s my turn now!

Triple H: Shawn, you don’t understand, I really want to wrestle Sheamus. I’m pretty sure I can beat that guy.

Shawn: Holy hell man, listen to yourself! Do you really thing Sheamus is still going to have the title at Wrestlemania?! That’s ridiculous! No way does that guy get a six month title run. I’m pretty sure that’s longer than all of Edge’s put together.

HHH: And what are you going to do? Lose to Undertaker again? Brilliant plan.

Shawn: Yes it is a brilliant plan, because at least I’ll be wrestling at Wrestlemania this year, unlike you, because you’ll probably pop a quad again!

HHH: I’m so going to throw you out now.

Shawn: Not if Evan Bourne eliminates you first!

Evan Bourne: Man, leave me out of this.

Degeneration X vs. The Lemony

Aw…I hate it when my two dads fight. Speaking of which, I wonder what Hornswoggle feels about all of this. I know Shawn sent him away, but I’d really like to have his opinion. Gasp! Do you think Shawn’s finally realizing that wrestling is serious business?! It only took him two years, but Jericho’s finally gotten through to him. Hunter goes for the Pedigree on Cody, but Ted breaks it up. Already, guys? Geez. Michael Cole ignores all of this to tell us that James Roday, the star of some TV show, apparently, bought RAW and then promptly died rather than appear on it.

(ads)

Oh, I guess he’s not dead after all. My bad. Michael Cole’s explanation for why Roday isn’t here, “I dunno.” Great reporting there, Michael. It’s no wonder you were fired from TV news.

Newscaster: Michael, I hear gunshots and raid sirens, what’s the latest from Kosovo?

Michael Cole: Huh? I was getting a sandwich, what’s up?

I don’t know why they’re freaking out about it. It’s not like this is the first time a guy’s shown up to the show 90 minutes late. Hell, Austin used to wait until Tuesday to show up to RAW. It’s cool. Shawn with a Superkick to Ted for the win. Michael Cole seems to be confused as to who “Luke Gallows” is.

(ads)

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. The Big Show

Before the match, Miz comes out and reminds everyone that when MVP was in prison, Miz was a TV star. Sadly, MVP does not say that he would rather be in jail than be on the Real World. Come on, how much money does MVP make? He was the highest paid star in Smackdown history right? Send me a check and I’ll write your promos for you, dude. Miz goes on to make fun of MVP’s catchphrase, despite Miz’ being, “I’m awesome.” Chokeslam by Show to end it. Good…build up?

(ads)

Backstage, there’s a *CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT* in progress.

Cody Rhodes: Thanks for losing the match, Ted.

Ted DiBiase: Yes, that’s exactly what I was trying to do.

Rhodes: Now I’m rested up and well on my way to winning the Royal Rumble.

DiBiase: Cody, neither one of us is going to win the Rumble. Come on.

Randy Orton: Couchy, Todd, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the NFC Girl’s Chocolatechip. And this Someday at the Regal Rumpus, I will defeat Shameless and hold that typo once a grain.

DiBiase: You don’t have to tell us that every time you come up to us Randy, we already know.

Orton: Oh.

Elsewhere….

John Cena: Who are you, exactly?

Dule Hill: Dule Hill. You don’t remember me?

Cena: Um….

Hill: You just guest starred on my TV show.

Cena: Oh yeah? What’s it called?

Hill: Psyche.

Cena: Oh, ho ho! You got me! I thought you were being serious there for a second. Hahaha.

Hill: No, seriously, the name of the show is Psyche.

Cena: I don’t get it.

The Miz: Hey guys, do you want to see what I just Googled?

Hill: No, but I just Googled your ass into a match!

Miz: That doesn’t make any sense!

Hill: And it’s going to be awesome. PSYCHE!

Dule leaves.

Cena: Well…I want to see what you Googled.

Did he just leave them in his office?

(ads)

Maryse vs. Eve Torres
In a Divas Title Tournament Match

Yes. It sure is nice to see Eve has made it this far into the tournament. This is like…If a community college made it into the Final Four or something. Maryse gets some unexpected fireworks during her entrance courtesy of Dule Hill, and I think that should be a theme for this show. Some random person during each RAW should get random fireworks during their entrance. It’d make the show a lot more exciting waiting to see who would get them. Maryse with the pin about ten seconds later.

(ads)

Hey, it’s Vince! What’s the word on the street, Vince?

Vince McMahon: I bet you’d all like to know what the word on the street is “stupid.” As in, having two random people from some USA show buy this show was stupid. And The Undertaker is stupid for coming out here and threatening me last week, a-

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Don’t make me come down there.

Vince: Oh! Sorry! Um…and Bret Hart is stupid for thinking that I’m still feuding with him, when I’m clearly not. I mean, I’ve gone almost five minutes without saying Bret Hart, unless you count the times I just said it. Face it, Bret Hart, you were nothing in WCW, and now that you’re working at a topless genie bar, you’re nothing again!

Then Vince went milling into the crowd, asking why Bret Hart should come back, and getting responses like, “Because he’s awesome like Miz!” and “Damn” and “Because he’s already under contract until Wrestlemania!” What is he, Bubba the Love Sponge?

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YOOOO!

What’s the matter, Vince?
Why you so down?
Got a purple suit,
Lookin’ like a Joker clown.

You say you don’t want Bret?
That’s just swell,
But if you did confront him,
Think of all the tickets you’d sell.

I want to see Bret back,
No one can exceed him,
But mostly I want him,
Because I think I can beat him.

So Vince, take him back,
Come confront your stalker,
And in thirty years,
I’ll beat you with a walker.

Best there is, was, will be,
Listen to the cheer!
But not for Bret Hart,
But because THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Vince: Wait, are you really dressed like that? That’s pretty stupid. And that’s coming from the guy in the purple Joker suit.

(ads)

The Miz vs. Kofi Johnston

Oooh, what a scary contest Dule Hill put together here. I mean anybody with even a passing knowledge of the WWE Roster (or…um…pictures) could pick a more menacing opponent for Miz. So, what happens if Kofi and Shelton are in the ring at the same time at the Rumble? Can they both be eliminated at once? Because Kofi is Shelton, but Shelton is definitely not Kofi. Anyway, Miz hops around for a second, excited that his opponent is some jobber, and he gets hit with the Trouble in Suburban Ghana for the win. Oops. Good job, Dule.

Speaking of which, in the production truck….

Carlito Caribbean Cool: You know, you’re the first person to actually talk to me in about five years.

Dule Hill: I know what it’s like to be a star who nobody knows who I am.

Carlito: Yeah, I was kind of surprised about that. How does a guy whose only source of money is a third tier cable TV show buy Monday Night RAW?

Hill: You would be surprised how cheap I got this for.

Carlito: No, I probably wouldn’t.

Hill: What’s this button marked “RAW Roulette?”

Carlito: Oh, that just makes random matches so that Vince doesn’t have to think.

Dule presses the button and it books Carlito against Kelly Kelly Kelly in a Coal Miner’s Glove Match.

Carlito: Best. Host. EVER.

EVER!

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly
In a Coal Miner’s Glove Match

Hell yes. This is my early match of the year contender and it’s not even going to happen. Oops. SPOILER ALERT! Sorry. Kelly’s having trouble even lifting up on the glove. Santino Marella comes out, mostly to discuss his new TV show. I’m sorry, but if WWE doesn’t hire me to write The Santino Marella Show there’s something wrong in this universe (or WWE Universe, as the case may be). Can anyone else really do that concept justice? Come on. Anyway Jack Swagger runs out and throws Santino out of the ring, and celebrates, because finally he did something right. Then Kelly whacks Carlito with her glove and picks up the win.

(ads)

Want to know the stats of every past Royal Rumble? Too bad.

Backstage….

John Cena: Coal Miner’s Glove is really the must underexploited gimmick in wrestling history.

James Roday: Hey guys! I’m on the telephone!

Dule Hill: What the hell happened to you? You’re the wrestling fan! You left me to the wolves here, dude! I just spent the last half hour talking to some guy named “Carlito” who nobody likes because he said he was “cool.”

Roday: Sorry man, I’d rather have my appendix taken out than lower myself to appearing live on that show.

Cena: Well the jokes on you, James, because you’re on RIGHT NOW!

Click.

Cena: Aw.

Alicia Fox: What the hell is going on this segment? Somebody need a wedding planned?

Hill: Heh. Yeah. Me. Because I’m going to get married to you, baby.

Fox: No. But you’re on that psychic show, right? The Mentalist or whatever?

Hill: Um…sure! I’m Simon Baker! I was awesome in The Devil Wears Prada.

Fox: Well, what do you predict that I’m going to do tonight?

Hill: Me!

Cena: Hiyoooooo!

Hill: Man, they should’ve given me the Tonight Show!

(ads)

Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox (w/ Dule Hill)
In a Divas Title Tournament Match

Hill spends most of the match on commentary talking about how he has no idea what’s going on, but that at least he’s not Freddie Prinze Jr. Well, that’s something anyway. The ladies go back and forth for a couple seconds before Gail hits her move (That’s Her Move!) for the win. Wow. Gail’s on a real winning streak here. Alicia is pretty pissed off that Dule didn’t do something about all this, so when he goes back to hitting on her, she hauls off and slaps him. Lawler treats this like a very serious offense, because he understands.

(ads)

John Cena vs. Sheamus

Non-title, of course. We’re locked into this half-year Sheamus run as champion, so we might as well make the most of it. I guess William Shatner just bought RAW so that will…be…interesting. Sheamus goes for the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!), but it misses. Thank God. Could you imagine if that would’ve hit? Cena’s career would be over! THEN HE HITS IT! BY GAWD! BY GAWD! John Cena has been broken in half! Sheamus is so giddy that he forgets to breathe and he passes out. Orton wins! Randy comes out to celebrate, but I guess the kick only ended Cena’s career for a couple seconds as he jumps up and hits Orton with the Attitude Adjustment. John Cena is going to Wrestlemania!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Randy Orton cannot fully grasp the power of Sheamus. Plus, the ladies battle it out over the Diva’s Title in a Coal Miner’s Glove match. And in the biggest shocker of all time, Cody Rhodes actually does win the Royal Rumble.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Shattrath City

January 28, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

Shattrath City was the first large city in World of Warcraft to count as a home for both Horde and Alliance, and was the major city hub for the Burning Crusade expansion. It also had the distinction of being the first zone, even on full PvP servers, that did not allow PvP of any kind.

Now sure, there were a lot of neutral cities in vanilla WoW, mostly Goblin outposts like Gadgetzan or Everlook, but none of them ever served as a “home base” for players. But the trip into the expansion was often a mad dash to get to Shattrath so that everybody could set their hearth there and have access to the whole game.

And it was neat, in its time. Having the whole server in one area allowed for some neat interaction, and gave the game a feel of a real concentrated war effort that it hadn’t had since the Ahn’Qiraj patch. Of course, there were many instances of “Shattrath Lag,” even on low population servers where there were way too many people in one spot for most computers to keep up with the server.

Convenience: C+

On the one hand, Shattrath was fantastic during playthroughs. You could get from there to anywhere in Outlands in a very short period of time, there are portals from the city to any vanilla city (plus later Quel’Danas) for easy travel, and there are a lot of factions and vendors to interact with inside the city.

The major issue is, in an attempt to combat the inevitable lag that came with creating it, they built Shattrath way too big. Everything is too far spread out and the vendors and trainers unevenly spread and curiously laid out. It was the same problem that Exodar and Silvermoon suffered from, so I guess Burning Crusade was just the “Let’s see how big we can build this city” expansion.

The problem is somewhat mitigated by the ability to fly in the city (something they didn’t really work out with Dalaran in Wrath of the Lich King), but even that can still be a little annoying. You get used to the quirks of Shattrath fairly quickly once you know the city, however.

Ambiance: C

In contrast to the strikingly lovely Silvermoon and the colorful, twinkling Exodar, Shattrath is really rather boring. Everything is the same color dusty brown, most of the buildings (where there are buildings) are half put together holes rather than anything interesting. It’s a clever design decision (Shattrath was a city under siege, after all), but really boring when you have to spend your time there.

The NPCs are fairly unique, however, and add a good bit of flavor. Refugees and orphans run around the city, beggars line the entrances, that one ogre is always stealing apples, and, of course, Griftah the salesman is selling junk in the corner (when he’s not being forced out of the city).

Special Features: A

As the key hub for a whole expansion, Shattrath has its fair share of special features. There’s the portals back to vanilla, the launching portal for Quel’Danas (and the Sunwell raid), and any number of different faction specific areas and quests to do, along with battleground queues. Additionally, there are the Aldor and Scryer tiers, two small areas of the city that have their own questing points. It’s an interesting little functionality, because earning rep for one faction decreases rep for the other, to the point where you cannot enter the other faction’s part of the city. But the rep gains are available regardless of whether you are Horde or Alliance, so you’ll often have Horde Aldor and Alliance Aldor sharing inn space and vendors, and (back then) raiding the Scryers together. A fun little diversion.

Key Stats

Average Population: Medium
Class Trainers: None
Best Feature: Still the best place to have your hearth set from 58-68.
Worst Feature Tries to do too much with too much open space
Recommended Hearth for Levels: 58-68

Shattrath is still the place to be if you’re shuffling through old content or trying to level through Burning Crusade. It’s got all the amenities a character could need, and once you get used to the placement of everything it’s not that bad to navigate. It would be nice if they had class trainers in the city, of course, but beggars can’t be choosers, I guess. Dalaran is clearly the better option at this point for generic hearths, but Shattrath is probably going to be less crowded if you’re worried about lag now.

YouTube Tuesday: Rootbeer Medley

January 27, 2010 YouTube No comments

Unfortunately, I can’t really update today (actually Wednesday, I know), but I really want to put something up. And when I feel like putting something up, I usually just default to some dude playing classical music on a bunch of half drunk bottles of IBC.

Because that’s what YouTube is really all about.

YouTube Monday: Hope for Haiti

January 25, 2010 YouTube No comments

Hey, it’s a worthy cause. Haiti was pretty well devistated, and while I don’t usually talk about anything serious or political on the site, I thought I should probably post this.

These are the highlights of the concert. Enjoy, and find a reputable organization that actually puts money into the hands of the people who need it to donate too.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for January 17th – 23rd, 2010

January 24, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. If You’re Reading This on Internet Explorer, Stop! No wait! Come back! Yeah, they found another glaring security hole in IE that allows hackers to blow up the Internet. Same old same old, really. Wake me when Microsoft releases a version of IE that *doesn’t* have some glaring flaw. Still the only web browser that likes playing embedded video, though.

2. Apple’s Really Getting Worked Up About this Tablet PC Thing. Other than artists and nerds, have you ever known anybody who even wanted a tablet PC? What use are they really to anybody else? Well, Apple is hyping the shit out of the iSlate (essentially a gigantic iPod Touch), and the media is buying into the frenzy. I love my Touch, but do I want one that I can’t carry around in my pants? Not really, no.

3. Haitian Relief Not Relieving Many Haitians In the Shocker of the Year So Far, all that money and supplies that people are sending to help Haiti recover from a horrible earthquake (a worthy and noble cause) is pretty much just sitting around. Partly due to corruption, partly due to the lack of infrastructure, and partly due to lazy charities who swear they’re going to get to Haiti any day now.

4. EA Understands. Electronic Arts announced this week that Tiger Woods will remain the cover athlete for its PGA Golf games. And why not? It’s not like the video game public cares who Tiger has or has not been bedding the past couple years. Besides, this is the perfect opportunity to drop some “adult” mods into the stodgy world of internet golf.

5. Let’s All Get Drunk and Eat Whoppers. Burger King is opening a bar/lounge that will have its full fast food menu on the grill, but a fully stocked bar on tap as well. It’s making a test run in Miami, but plans are to expand it to other areas of the country as well. Nothing like a pitcher of beer to make you forget that you’re eating at Burger King.

RAW Satire for 1/18/09

January 22, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Mike Tyson tried to punch a lot of people, but everybody knows to press left when he’s winding up. Also, Chris Jericho was kicked off RAW forever for…at least the ninth time. One more and he gets a free Smoothie! And, for some reason, Sheamus. Will we avoid that unpleasantness…TONIGHT?

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Vince McMahon, and he doesn’t look too happy.

Vince McMahon: I’m not too happy. First of all, we’re in Tennessee, which is never a good thing. I mean, we’re going to have to fight every segment to keep Lawler out of the ring. Lane Kiffin was right about this town. Anyway, what I really came out here to bitch about was Bret Hart. Did you see that guy? Excellence of Execution, my ass. He looks like somebody’s boring old grandpa now. He’s like a bad taco, he makes my colon want to explode.

BONG

The Embodied Voice of the Undertaker: Vince, this is stupid. Get out of the ring before you make this more stupid.

Vince: Come on, man! You’re not even on this show! Get out of my segment!

Taker: You remember 1997? When Bret Hart punched you? Because I do, and it looked like a lot of fun. I’m just saying.

Vince leaves, but he’s quickly replaced by Shawn Michaels.

Shawn Michaels: Taker! You got my 900 text messages! So what do you say? Want to have a match at Wrestlemania?

Taker: Oh…heeeeyyy, Shawn. Yeah, I got your messages…I’ve just been…busy. You know? Work. And…zombie stuff. You know how it is. So, to answer your question…No. I don’t want to have a match at Wrestlemania. I was thinking about a nap maybe.

Shawn: Come on, man! I want to be the guy that gets the big push from ending your streak. Who better?!

Kanyon: THAN KANYON?! Seriously though, TNA, call me!

Taker: Basically anybody would be better than you to end my streak.

Triple H: Anybody?

John Cena: Anybody?

Taker: Ok…maybe not anybody. But seriously, man, there’s nothing for you to gain by doing it. So no. You dragged me down here for no reason though, do you want to have a match tonight?

Shawn: Oooh…tonight doesn’t work for me. I’ve got a bunch of segments with a midget blocked out. Hey! I’ve got it! If I win the Rumble, will you fight me then?

Taker: Ugh. You know what? Fine. Whatever. Just don’t call me anymore. My girlfriend is starting to wonder.

(ads)

Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne

The champion in the opening match? Hell yeah! This is how you can tell they’re serious about Sheamus by how they keep feeding him Bourne in the curtain jerk. Randy Orton is out, not really to scout Sheamus, because…do you really need to scout Sheamus? But because he’s trying to figure out if he’s supposed to be the face or heel here. I’m pretty sure he’s a face now, but I’ll have to look it up in the TNA Face/Heel Handbook. Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!)! Sheamus wins! After the match, Randy charges the ring and Sheamus bails. Then he goes back in. And…then he leaves again.

Backstage….

Triple H: Man, what the hell was that? I can’t believe you basically begged Undertaker to have a match with you, and then gave away the result of this year’s Rumble. I mean…”Spoiler Alert!” Geez.

Shawn Michaels: Well, Hunter, I-

Don Johnson: Hey, guys! What’s up? I can’t believe I bought Monday Night RAW with John Heder. What do we have in common, right?

Shawn: What I can’t believe is that you still have enough money to buy this show. Miami Vice and Nash Bridges? Seriously?

Johnson: Well-

HHH: And if we were going to get one of the “stars” of When In Rome to buy this show, shouldn’t it have at least been Kristin Bell?

Shawn: Definitely. She’s a bargain at whatever price.

Johnson: John Heder! At last we meet!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Do I look like a skinny white guy to you?

Johnson: Um…Maybe?

Carlito: WHAT DID YOU DO TO TUBBS?!

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry
In a Royal Rumble Challenge Match

Swagger was, of course, hoping for Santino Marella, but Santino is far too engrossed in Italian Legend Don Johnson to make it out here for this match. Seriously though, could they not at least have gotten somebody from the movie poster to be on this show? Don’t tell me Josh Duhamel has anything better to do. I know that guy doesn’t. Anyway, predictably, Mark just picks Swagger up and throws him over. This is going to be so hilarious when Swagger eventually eliminates Henry and Santino on his way to winning the Royal Rumble (he won’t).

Backstage, the Bella Twins and Jon Heder are in a limo.

Jon Heder: This is totally sweet, my uncle is going to be so jealous that I bought this show. Ok, dude you stay in this limo while I go draw a sweet liger, ok?

WHO IS IN THE LIMO?! My money is on Eric Bischoff!

(ads)

Seriously, though, Kristin Bell couldn’t have been that busy, right? She doesn’t really do anything anymore but appear in Judd Apatow movies. Whatever. Don and Jon are coming to the ring. Their theme is, of course, “Heartbeat,” Don’s huge hit from the 80s. Check out Paul Schafer as a video editor! That was before Conan was angling for his job.

Jon Heder: Gosh! Looks like I should do some interpretive dance!

Don Johnson: Ugh. Not again! You keep doing that. Stop it.

Heder: And you stop hanging out with the Allman brothers!

Johnson: I…deserved that.

The Miz: Wow! Real Hollywood actors! I can stop comparing myself to Snookie and The Situation now! Don Johnson?! Whoa, where’s Cheech and what’s his name?

Johnson: Phillip Michael Thomas?

Miz: No, Steve Austin. What was with that guy’s vest anyway?

Montel Vontavious Porter: Aw man! We actually had an actual VIP here, and Jon Heder, and we’re not doing the VIP Lounge? Come on, guys!

Miz: I actually even forgot there was a VIP lounge.

Big Show: Hi Is this a good old fashioned orgy? Because I brought my best smelling singlet.

Johnson: No, trust me. I went to a couple great orgies back in the 80s, and this…isn’t one of them. I’m out.

Heder: Well…I’ll orgy with you, Show! I even drew you this sweet picture of Jushin Thunder Liger!

Show: That’s…great.

Heder: Tonight it’s going to be DX vs. Show and Miz! Laters!

Show: Wait…what?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What? Hahaha…seriously though, where’d Don Johnson go? That guy still owes me fifty bucks.

(ads)

John Cena and Kofi Johnston vs. The Lemony

Tag team matches for everybody! Apparently all these guys are going to be in the Rumble. So, so far I figure it’s 90% guys from RAW, two guys from Smackdown and nobody from ECW because…Come on. Although Kofi counts as both himself and Shelton, so there’s one. Kofi goes for Trouble in Suburban Ghana on DiBiase, but he’s the good one, so it misses and Kofi just sits there and frowns for an hour while Cody Rhodes kicks him in the face. And that’s why he’ll never be anything more than a jobber. That and Randy Orton hates him because he won’t fall over in just the perfect way.

(ads)

Cody Rhodes is still on offense here. The crowd is catatonic. I’m so sorry they had to witness four straight minutes of Cody Rhodes on the attack. I’m sorry…I can’t write about this match anymore, because every time I look at John Cena I can’t help but here the “Pants on the Ground” song. He’s lookin’ like a fool with his jorts on the ground. Kofi off the top with a body press for the win out of nowhere. You know what? Why the hell not. I’ll take it. With his mouth full of gold, hat turned sideways-

Backstage….

Hornswoggle: …and that’s how I bedded both the Olsen Twins in one night.

Jon Heder: Do you want to help me feed my Llama?

Big Show: Wait, why would you want to have sex with the Olsen Twins? I can’t be the only one thinking that right? I mean…ew.

The Miz: You haven’t seen some of the girls I’ve dated, have you, Show?

Hornswoggle: Eh. I did it because I could. It’s just another mountain to climb, right? Now Lindsey Loh-

Triple H: There you are, you little scamp! You haven’t turned heel on me, have you?

Hornswoggle: Who me? I mean, you only treat me like a five year old dog and spent six months trying to get me to quit the show. Noooo, I’d never turn on you. At least not for these idiots.

Heder: How dare you! I gave you my last “Vote for Pedro” T-shirt!

Show: That sounds like a challenge to me!

Miz: Yep.

HHH: Definitely a challenge.

Hornswoggle: Looks like you’re in the match tonight whitey. Laters.

Everybody leaves.

Heder: I’ve got to go find my nunchucks.

(ads)

Maryse and Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torres and Gail Kim

Hey, these are the people in the Divas thing! I’m really glad I’ve been half paying attention to that whole mess or I’d be pissed off that there was a random women’s tag match in here. Lord knows Don probably booked this one anyway. Wow…Alicia Fox and Eve Torres are not very good at this wrestling thing. They should’ve stuck to wedding planning and wandering around backstage respectively. Eve grabs Alcia’s arm and that’s…enough for the win. That’s her move? Hey, whatever. That’s like, Gail Kim’s third win since she’s been back!

(ads)

Backstage….

Don Johnson: …and that’s how I bedded both the Doublemint Twins in one night.

Kelly Kelly Kelly: I don’t know who that is. Hey, I really loved you in MacGyver!

Johnson: That was Richard Dean Anderson.

Kelly: Quantum Leap?

Johnson: Scott Bakula.

Kelly: Knight Rider?

Johnson: Now come on!

Jon Heder: I hate to break up this little conversation here, but I’m in the fight of my life! This isn’t tetherball, you guys! This is actual wrestling!

Johnson: Actual…fake wrestling.

The Miz: Shhh! That’s like telling kids there’s no Santa Claus!

Kelly: There’s NOT?!

Big Show: Yeah, shut it up, Crockett. Oh man, there’s some really bad wrestling joke in there, but I can’t figure out what it is.

Heder: Guys, have you, like, seen me? I’m going to get killed out there!

Show: Nah, don’t worry kid. Miz and I have your back. Hey, were even a better tag team that me and Jericho! We’re on the same page!

Miz: Yeah. Like, remember the time I did nothing but mock you for two months straight when we first came to this show? “Oh, I’m a fat stupid giant man! Look at my deformed head!”

Show: You know I forgot about that. Jon, why don’t you go wait in the hall, Miz and I have to…strategize.

Heder: Whatever, dudes! I’m stealing this old robe of Ric Flair’s! You can call me “The Flair!”

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ! Now can somebody point me in the direction of Abyss?

Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: Hunter, I’m telling you this is going to work.

Triple H: I don’t think calling all our fans “ECW Superstars” and telling them when to cheer and boo is going to help our ratings any, Vince.

Vince: Come on, who doesn’t want to be an ECW Superstar?

HHH: Tommy Dreamer?

Shawn Michaels: Hey Hunter…Are you ready? Heh. It’s like a pun!

HHH: I know! No. I’m not ready. There’s like…two more segments before our match. Chill out and grab some coffee or something.

Shawn: I can’t. He already wrestled tonight! Haha! Another pun! I’m brilliant!

HHH: Yes, between that and being rejected by Undertaker tonight, you’re on a real roll tonight. Hornswoggle, why are you up on that ladder? Wielding an axe?

Hornswoggle: Who? Me? No reason. I mean…of course there’s a reason. I just thought I’d…give you guys a free hair cut. You know…for being such a great friend these past few…seconds.

Shawn: With an axe?

Hornswoggle: They were all out of scissors under the ring.

HHH: I’ll buy that. Take a little off the top, but not too much, I don’t want to end up looking like Shawn here.

Shawn: Words really do hurt sometimes, Hunter.

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters
In a Tiny Hotdog Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Is this what it’s really come down to? Our Iron Chef reduced to the level of Evan Bourne, as a jobber in the worst WWE Title feud of all time?

Fukui: It would seem that way, but man I can’t wait to try some of those little hotdogs. Mmm!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: That’s not the first time I’ve heard that today! Like mother like son, I guess!

Fukui: Would you stop?

Hatori: Probably not any time soon.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Sheamus came out and threw Haggis in everybody’s dishes, so this whole thing is a wash. Then the Iron Chef fainted, and he fell over, so I guess Orton won. Oh, and then Sheamus hit him with a Bicycle Kick.

Fukui: Oh! The Finisher of Champions!

(ads)

The Big Show, The Miz, and Jon “Flair” Heder vs.-

(ads)

The Big Show, The Miz, and Jon “Flair” Heder vs. Degeneration X and Hornswoggle

Oh, show, you card! I can’t even be mad about that, random commercial break because friggin’ Don Johnson is at ringside, and Napoleon Dynamite is wandering around on the apron in his underwear. They go back and forth with actual wrestlers for a couple minutes, then Hornswoggle and Heder tag in. Moon boot to the face by Heder. Hunter comes in, so Heder bails, but Don Johnson throws a loafer at his head. He learned that from Konan. Shawn comes in for Superkicks all around. DX wins!

Hey, everybody! It’s John Cena!

John Cena: Guess what? I’m in the Royal Rumble this year!

Shawn Michaels: Um…Ok? I kind of figured you would be.

Big Show: Hey guys! I’m in the Rumble too!

Shawn: Yeah. Yeah. We know.

Triple H: I am too!

Shawn: I guessed that.

Triple H throws everybody, including Michaels, out of the ring.

HHH: Does that plant any doubt that we’re totally telegraphing this one for Shawn?

Shawn: Not really, no. Sorry.

Next Week: Two guys from that one USA show nobody watches buy RAW so that they can be seen on their own network. Also Shawn Michaels tries to convince people he’s totally not going to win the Rumble by intentionally losing Jack Swagger’s challenge. And probably Sheamus somewhere in there too.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Sorry, What Was That?

January 22, 2010 Video Games, World of Warcraft No comments

Next week. Next week we take a look at the second to last of our big city runs. I’m sorry, though, my mind cannot focus on World of Warcraft right now. Why’s that? Because Mass Effect 2 has basically taken over my entire life. It’s driving me nuts. I just accidentally pushed a guy at work across the room with a blast of blue energy, and I think I punched out my boss.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, this:

Siiiiiick.

Five Keys for the Vikings Offense Against the Saints

January 22, 2010 NFL No comments

Last week, I took a look at what the Vikings had to do to stop the red hot Dallas offense, and for the most part, they did. I’m pretty sure they even dressed Jamarca Sandford and Antoine Winfield in Maddieu Williams and Tyrell Johnson jerseys, which would explain a lot.

And to all the Tony Romo apologists…I’m not going to say “I told you so” even though I kind of just did.

This week, defense is no longer the word. Sure, I’d love to sit here and spout off bullet points about how to stop the Saints, but without actual bullets, it’s going to be difficult.

The truth is, the Viking’s offense is going to have to win this game. But, shockingly, I think they can actually do it. Ok, maybe it’s not that shocking, the Vikings were the second highest scoring offense in the league this season. Behind the Saints, of course.

The difference, however, is that, while I agree that the Vikings defense will have a hard time keeping up with the Saints, the Viking offense matches up really well with the New Orleans defense, which will keep the ball out of the hands of Drew Brees and company.

5. Don’t Fear Sharper

Darren Sharper has been playing out of his mind this year, but nobody knows better than Vikings fans that he makes mistakes. Sharper is an excellent “centerfield” safety, but he can be contained in a few different ways.

Firstly, he can be fooled. A veteran quarterback like Bret Favre can put Sharper out of position with a fake pumps and mixing up his reads. Sharper can be fooled.

He’s so eager to make plays that he’ll often play himself out of coverage. Get him flowing in one direction, and you can burn him deep.

The other way to keep Sharper out of plays is to complete passes underneath and make him tackle. Sharper has never been the most physical safety, and the Viking’s receiver corps, especially Percy Harvin and Sidney Rice, will be able power through Sharper’s arm tackles.

4. Keep Favre Upright

Of course, Favre can’t make those plays against the Saint’s secondary unless he stays on his feet. And while he’s shown remarkable elusiveness for a man pushing 80, he still needs quite a pocket.

Will Smith is playing more like “Independence Day” than “Wild Wild West” and the Saints pass rush put Kurt Warner out of the Cardinals game and kept the Cardinals’ offense off base.

Phil Loadholt, Bryant McKinney and the rest of the Viking’s line did a great job protecting against a hot Dallas defense, and they’ll need to redouble their efforts here, lest they want to see how Tarvaris Jackson lines up against the Saints.

One thing the Vikings did to stop Dallas’ outside pass rush was running chip and go patterns with their receivers, which lead to touchdowns from Sidney Rice and Visanthe Shiancoe.

The Vikings are better off in that regard than the Cardinals, because they run much better out of the base I and two tight end sets that allow a bit of extra time for the quarterback to drop back.

3. Make Use of This Sidney Rice Guy

The Saints did a great job of shutting down Larry Fitzgerald, but a lot of that had to do with the Cardinals not giving Kurt Warner a lot of time in the pocket, as passes to Fitzgerald usually take a little longer to develop.

Favre has an eerie psychic link to Rice this season, and Sidney is capable of running just about any route on the field. It’s imperative he get involved early and often.

Setting up a few quick interior slants or hook routes just to get Rice involved and into the game will set up some of the deeper patterns that they like to run.

Additionally, Rice is so physical and the Saints’ corners aren’t spectacular tacklers, he will take a couple of those short gainers for long yardage.

The key to winning a championship game is to get your key players making plays in the first quarter, so feeding Rice the ball early on is going to be crucial.

2. Find Out What Happened to Percy Harvin

Now I know nothing has really actually happened to Percy Harvin, but Sunday against Dallas he was mostly used as a decoy, basically held out of the passing game, and with only one big running play.

Harvin is too talented to keep out of the Playoffs, and New Orleans doesn’t have the personnel to keep up with Harvin’s speed and explosiveness in three wide sets. Even if they roll Bernard Berrian’s coverage toward Harvin, it opens up new holes in the secondary.

Additionally, of course, Harvin will have more opportunities out of the backfield, and won’t have to face Dallas’ kickoff team, so he should have a much better special teams performance.

Harvin should got back and watch Reggie Bush’s film from last week, because that’s what Harvin should shoot for this week. If anything Harvin’s skillset is more well rounded than Bush’s so he should be part of an even broader multi-faceted attack.

As much as Favre has been credited with helping Rice develop this year, Harvin had a pretty special season with Bret as well. Now it’s time to cash in on that relationship.

1. Establish the Run, and then Keep Running It

One guy who didn’t have a special season was Adrian Peterson. Ok, it was good. Very good, in fact, but we all know that Peterson was capable of so much more.

And while he still has the same energy of the previous two years, most of it has been exerted this year venting his frustration on the sidelines over a hole he saw too late or another lost fumble.

However, you can’t help but feel that AD is on the brink of a huge game, and the Saints defense is ripe for to be gashed by a premier running back. Hell, even Arizona scored a huge rushing touchdown on Saturday on the opening play, but they couldn’t capitalize due to the fact that their running game is actually just on this side of non-existent.

Think of it this way, New Orleans gave up the 4th most rushing touchdowns in the NFL this season, and the 12th most yards. By comparison, Adrian Peterson had the most rushing touchdowns this season, and the 5th most yards. Something has to give.

For the Vikings to beat the Saints, they need to control the clock and put up points early and often. That means the real Adrian Peterson needs to step up this week, along with Chester Taylor and Percy Harvin.

If two out of those three can get it working on Sunday, it’s going to spell trouble for the Saints.

YouTube Monday: YouTube on the Ground

January 18, 2010 American Idol, YouTube No comments

Oh, man, this Pants on the Ground thing from American Idol has the country in a tizzy. And why not? Who doesn’t like pants on the ground? Or gold in they mouth? I know I’ve got my hat turned sideways, and that I look like a fool.

How deep does this meme rabbit hole go?

I know, let’s ask Bret Favre and the Minnesota Vikings.

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