Last Night: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” beat John Cena, who beat some guy named Sheamus. Also, Shawn Michaels kicked the crap out of The Undertaker until he was on fire, which is impressive, given that he wasn’t even in that match. And that Diva’s Title match, never happened. Again. Maybe it will happen…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Maybe!

So, of course we’re opening the show with Smackdown’s champion, Chris Jericho, because…he’s never supposed to be on this show ever again. Right? I didn’t just imagine that.

Chris Jericho: I know what you’re thinking, and you didn’t just imagine it. It wasn’t more than a few weeks ago I was kicked off RAW forever! But…forever doesn’t mean much on this show. Besides, now that we’re officially on the Road to Wrestlemania(!), they wanted to remind you all that Smackdown exists. So here I am. But really, I actually just came here to stare at Jewel’s cleavage. I’m not going to lie.

Edge: Chris Jericho! This is going to be the most predictable Wrestlemania booking!

Edge spears Jericho. Aw man. I was really looking forward to that Edge/Ezekial Jackson match! Anyway, Edge and Jericho bail out, commiserating in their shared experience of having to watch Team Canada lose yet again, when it’s time for everybody else to have some APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena: I’m not even going to rap! That’s how angry I am about being screwed by Vince McMahon! Sure, I interfered in his nefarious plans and befriended his worst enemy, but nothing NOTHING in his history has shown me that he would react in this way and screw me out of the WWE Title!

Vince McMahon: John, I know I’m not supposed to admit this stuff until I have you trapped in front of a laser or hanging over a tank of bloodthirsty sharks, but…How stupid are you? Basically everything in my history would lead you to believe that would try to screw you after you interfered in my nefarious plans and befriended my worst enemy. So I used Thetista to take out Bret Hart, and then he took out you. Which is pretty much the most effective Dave has ever been.

Tough Enough Jessie: I took out Bret Hart! I DID!

Vince: Sure you did, sweetie.

T.E. Jessie: DON’T YOU EVER WATCH THIS SHOW?! I’m the badass!

Vince: Sure I watch…this show. Which one is this? ECW?
Cena: So, now that we’ve established that Jericho is fighting Edge at Mania, by the somewhat dubious method of having them both appear on a show they’re not supposed to be on, who is fighting Dave at Mania?

Vince: I figure we’ll decide it in a match tonight! If you can beat Thetista, it’ll be you. If you can’t it’ll be Sheamus. Heh.

Sheamus: Don’t I get a say in this?

Vince: Get off my show, whitey!

Sheamus: Aw!

Vince: Yeah! My show! Um…Internet Heat?

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Maryse vs. Gail Kim
For the WWE Diva’s Title

OMG! No way! It’d be hilarious if this ended in a double count out. Vacant has pretty much been the best WWE Diva’s Champion in the belt’s history. Maurice sighting! I can’t believe I’ve been paying rapt attention to this stupid storyline. Anyway, last night Gail let slip to Maryse that she’s Canadian, and therefore automatically knows French somehow, which caused Maryse to flip out because saying things nobody understands is her only gimmick. So, today, Maryse is a maison en feu tonight. And she wins. Well…that was kind of underwhelming for twenty months of build.

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Backstage….

Ty Murray: No, I ride bulls for a living! I’m a bull rider! Yeeahaw!

Bella Twins: Get a real job!

Murray: Honey, get a load of these freaks!

Jewel: That’s great, Ty. Ugh. Can you believe I married this guy?

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Omigosh! Jewel! What’s with the crutches?! Are you ok?!

Jewel: Yeah, I’m fine. Some guy backed into me in the parking lot, but I deflected him with my boobs. But then I twisted my ankle.

Tough Enough Jessie: That was me! I backed over you! I’m the main bad guy on this show dammit! WHY WON’T ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME?!

Jewel: What’s her deal?

Eve Torres: I have no idea, I’m just some random background character.

Jillian Hall: Another singing guest?! Finally! This is my whole gimmick!

Who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?
Some are walking, some are talking, some are stalking their kill.
You got social security, but that don’t pay your bills!

Jewel: That was actually better than I did it back in the 90s. Which, oddly enough, was also the last time this show was relevant. Jillian, my hands are small, I know, but….

Jewel slams a guitar over Jillian’s head.

Jewel: Now we’ll have to pick up Pieces of You! Am I right, ladies?

Kelly: I don’t get it.

Alicia Fox: I am also in this segment.

Elsewhere….*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the NXT Girl’s Chocolate Chip!

Cody Rhodes: Randy, I know exactly who you are. You don’t have to tell me every time you come into the room.

Orton: Couchy Rolls?! What art thou doing here?!

Rhodes: Jewel and Ty turned the dressing room into a dance studio so she can prepare for Dancing with the Stars next year.

Orton: Maybe I should be on Dining with the Scars, Couchy.

Rhodes: Look, I don’t care about any of that. I saw you got The Lemony booked in a match tonight. All three of us. In the immortal words of The Hurricane, “Huh?”

Orton: Couchy, it’s time I give you and Todd DeGrasse a thirteenth chance! Don’t scroll it up!

Cody walks out.

Ted DiBiase: So what did he say?

Cody: What do you think he said?! I don’t know! I can never understand him. I told you that you should’ve been the one to go in there and talk to him!

DiBiase: I hit him with a pipe and pinned him last night!

Cody: Well at least you’d be able to understand him while he’s yelling at you!

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Kofi Johnston, Evan Bourne, and Yoshi Tatsu vs. The Lemony

What in the hell kind of generic ass team is this? If The Lemony can’t beat that bunch of jobbers, they don’t deserve an awesome nickname. And who is Yoshi Tatsu? Do I even want to know? He has awesome hair, whoever he is. I just watched his Titantron on YouTube and it appears to consist entirely of him kicking Shelton Benjamin in the face while Pokemon music plays. I approve. His teammate better look out though. Kofi is Shelton to start, and Yoshi kicks him in the face. Tried to warn him!

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Sorry, what? I’ve been watching Maryse’s TitanTron on YouTube. Is this match still on? Yoshi tries to eat Orton, but Randy no-sells it and locks in a CHINLOCK~!, but Yoshi shoots his tongue across the ring to make the tag to Kofi. Kofi loads up the Trouble in Suburban Ghana, but Randy hits Cody with a DDT first. SHOCKING SWERVE~! Randy did…Exactly what we thought he was going to do. DiBiase is so the opposite of surprised, he falls over. Orton wins! That’s no way for a WWE Hall of Famer to act! Bourne tags in and pins Cody anyway. Why the hell not?

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Hey! It’s Shawn Michaels! Lay it on us, Shawn!

Shawn Michaels: Last night, I set the Undertaker on fire, and he lost the World Title. So now he really, really, really has to face me at Wrestlemania, or else I’m going to have to find something even more upsetting to do. Like…giving more screen time to Michelle McCool.

The Disembodied Voice of The Undertaker: No! Don’t do that! It’s hard enough keeping her in check without you running around screwing things up. And now, my back smells like bacon! I’ve had to disembody my voice again, and you don’t want to know what’s involved in that.

Michaels: I kind of do, actually.

Voice of Taker: It involves several goats, a DVD of Animaniacs Season One, and a picture of Ron Paul.

Michaels: Never mind.

Voice of Taker: So what the hell do you want, man? A match at Wrestlemania?! You lit me on fire and then kicked me in the head. I’m in no condition!

Michaels: Come on. Pleeeeeease?

Voice of Taker: No way.

Michaels: Pretty please?

Voice of Taker: No!

Michaels: Pretty please with sugar on top?

Voice of Taker: Fine. But if I win, I get your sooooooul.

Michaels: What are you, Vampiro?

Voice of Taker: Ok, ok. Your career then.

Michaels: Sweet! Then I can go back to flipping burgers!

Backstage, Chris Tian is blissfully unaware of these events. Not that he would care.

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Chris Tian vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

I love it when an internet rumor hits, and then two days later WWE is like Whaaaat? No Money in the Bank this year? Heh. I guess Tian is on RAW now, which is fine by me. But he’s also going to be on NXT where he’s mentoring some guy named Heath Slater, a guy who has fantastic hair and was possibly my least favorite character on Saved by the Bell. Carlito is also mentoring a kid, young Michael Tarver, who has a look of a guy stuck with the ring name Michael Tarver and being mentored by Carlito. His promo is basically, “Damn. Maybe next year.” Chris Tian with his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. Somewhere, Michael Tarver is filling out resumes.

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Here’s the owners of RAW.

Ty Murray: Hoo doggies, this has been a real barn burner tonight, I’ll tell you.

Jewel: Why in the hell did I marry a stereotypical cowboy again?

Murray: Because I’m the only one who will put up with you? Anyway, what this show needs is more half naked women pretending to ride a bull. Ladies?

Then it’s time for Diva’s Bull Riding. Um…Ok? They’ve got a mechanical bull out there and some of them are going to ride it. Eve is first and she…rides the bull. Then Kelly Kelly Kelly also rides it. And so do both the Bella Twins. This is clearly the greatest segment in the history of our great sport. And that sport is apparently mechanical bull riding.

The Miz: I can’t believe this show has fallen this far.

The Big Show: Really? Because I pretty much can’t believe it’s taken this long.

Miz: Enough of these Foolish Games, Jewel. We want a segment on this show.

Big Show climbs onto the mechanical bull, but it’s going super fast and it throws him off.

Miz: Man, quit screwing around, we’re trying to get a segment here!

Show: I can’t believe it! They screwed me over! That bull was rigged. Damn you, Jewel!

Tough Enough Jessie: I screwed up the bull! ME! WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY NOTICE MY NEFARIOUS PLANS?!

Show takes a swing at the bull.

Jewel: That didn’t show much Intuition, Big Show.

Murray: Jewel, You Were Meant for Me!

Jewel: Don’t do that, honey, it sounds corny.

Then Jewel yodels for, like, an hour.

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Mark Henry and Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Double Trouble Crap on a Stick
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

Hey! They got their segment! Good for them. Tonight, MVP stands for Misty Valley Porcupines. Which is totally going to be the name of the next band I don’t start. Backstage, Daniel Bryan is writing a glowing review of his last Indy match on some message board. Keep it up, man! Some day they’ll HAVE to notice. Michael Cole is immediately offended even though he has no idea who Daniel Bryan is or what “The Internet” is. Show punches Henry for the win. Isn’t a closed fist still illegal? And isn’t that the lamest finisher?

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Who’s in the Hall of Fame? Wendi Richter. Ten bucks says Moolah comes back from the grave to screw her out of the Hall of Fame spot. Bret Hart will just nod his head in understanding.

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: You know who I haven’t humiliated enough lately? Bret Hart. So I’m going to have him come on back next week so that I can dump manure on his head or something. Seriously. Screw that guy. Again. I don’t know who injured him-

Tough Enough Jessie: ME! IT WAS ME!

Vince: -but whoever it was deserves a medal. One that says, “I Humiliated Bret Hart and All I Got Was This Lousy Medal.”

Shawn Michaels: I have enough of those to make a pair of medal chaps!

Elsewhere, John Cena is reading message board postings about some guy named “Daniel Bryan.”

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John Cena vs. Hollywood “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Cheech and Chong just bought RAW. The internet is not big enough for the amount of RVD jokes that just spawned in my head. It’s too bad he doesn’t have a movie coming out or something. Bret will be here next week, by the way, because he cannot get enough of telling Vince, and us, how miserable he’s been for the past decade. Batista punches Cena in the balls for the DQ. Awesome. See, Big Show? That’s a finisher. Thetista continues to wail on Cena with a chair until Dean Malenko comes out to break it up. Dean is having none of your crap tonight, Batista.

Next Week: Cheech and Chong somehow manage to be even more worthless as hosts than Jewel and Jerry Springer. Also, Dave’s not here man…he’s filming Wrong Side of Town II: Wronger Side of Town. And Bret Hart shows up, cries, and then leaves.

Last Week: Scrappers and Mr. Puffytail were the most adorable bobsledders of all time! Plus, nobody was able to end the reign of that bitch Sugar Chocolate Kiss IV. And will we find out who this mysterious new red-haired bitch Sheamus is…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Michael Cole: Jerry, I’ve gotta ask you, what do you think Mr. Muffin’s chances are this year in a stacked terrier field?

Jerry “” Lawler: It all depends on how well she performs in the snowboard cross.

Aw, man, I turned it on too early again, didn’t I? Dammit.

Some Girl sings the National Anthem. Is…is this the right show?

Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

Well, I hope so, or else the Olympics have really gone down hill. And not on skis. That was a little Olympic humor there. And strap in, because that was pretty much my A-material for tonight, there. I’ve got some more dog show jokes saved up though. This match, of course, was booked last week by Carl Edwards, and new RAW owner Jerry Springer could give a crap, so here we are. The crowd is solidly behind Orton, of course, because he is not Sheamus.

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They keep playing with this spot where Sheamus almost falls over, but he doesn’t and Orton runs off into the corner to pout. This is easily their best match against each other for that spot alone. The Lemony comes out to provide moral support, presumably for WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton. Sheamus loads up the Bicycle Kick (the finisher of champions!), but DiBiase breaks it up. That’s no way for a Hall of Famer to act! Sheamus tosses him, only to get attacked by Cody Rhodes. I will say this for them, fighting the Lemony must be really annoying. That’s a DQ! Aw, Chad! These are your buddies!

Randy is none too pleased about losing this meaningless match, so he trips Cody. Orton wins! Ted is having a pretty good laugh about that until he catches a BICYCLE KICK TO DIBIASE! (The Finisher of Champions!). Then Sheamus loses his balance and falls over too. Orton wins again!

Backstage, Bret Hart is shuffling.

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Here’s Bret.

Bret Hart: Hey, guys. I know last week Vince came out here and said that I couldn’t cut a promo to save my life, but Vince isn’t here tonight is he? IS HE?! Well…No. He is not. But he’s right. This promo is awful, and so far it’s just been about how awful the promo is going to be, so just imagine when I get to the substance part of it. Actually? You know what? Screw it. I didn’t even want to show up at Wrestlemania anyway. I’m going back home to watch the Olympics. Thanks guys, and a special thanks to John Cena for waiting until after I got beat down and the show was over to make the save. That was really classy, man.

And Bret shuffles off backstage.

Kofi Johnston: Hey, are you still recruiting any topless genies?

Bret: Sure! We need a Jamaican one since our last one is too stoned to move now.

Kofi: Actually, I’m from Ghana.

Bret: Oh…Yeah. I’ll…get back to you.

Jack Swagger: I am a heel, but I don’t get promo time any more, so I have nothing good or bad to say to or about you.

Bret: I don’t care either way.

Alicia Fox: That’s better than he deserves.

Primo Colon: Best of luck, Bret!

Bret: Your dad still owes me $150.

Primo: I’ve…gotta go.

Evan Bourne: Have fun in TNA! Say hello to…me when you get there.

Bret: That name kind of offends me.

Gail Kim: Can I come watch the Olympics with you?

Bret: Ugh, so I can watch some girly sport like figure skating? Hell no. I’ve got curling to watch.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO! YO! YOOOOO!

Bret: Before you continue, I’m actually leaving with a positive impression of you. Don’t ruin it.

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Bret frowns and starts to get into his car, but suddenly a white Hummer backs into him, smashing his leg. WHO DROVE THE HUMMER?! OH NO!!

Oh. Wait. It was Tough Enough Jessie.

Cena: What did you do?! You just killed Bret Hart!!

Tough Enough Jessie: DO YOU NOTICE ME NOW?! HUH?! TAKE THAT BRET HART! WAAAAAAH!

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Montel Vontavious Porter and Mark Henry vs. Double Trouble Crap on a Stick

Miz and Show’s new music is terrible, but I still kind of love it anyway. It’s better than Miz’s music by itself. Miz’…Mizzzz’ssss…Ugh. I hate the letter z. Of course, Cole and Lawler don’t give a crap about any of this because Tough Enough Jessie just killed Bret Hart. I thought MVP and Henry split up after Montel made Henry dance around and try to rap. Miz looks really ridiculous in tights. I still can’t get over that. Hell, I’m still not over Jericho in tights.

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Jerry Lawler is reveling about ECW dying again for some reason. I can’t wait to watch one episode of NXT to laugh at Bryan Danielson pretending to learn something about wrestling from Mark Henry, and then promptly forget it is on. Tonight, MVP stands for Manly Versatile Programs. I guess Ted DiBiase’s brother and Curt Hennig’s kid are going to be on there. Which must be a real kick in the pants. A few years earlier, you guys, and you could’ve just showed up in The Lemony. Actually, didn’t DiBiase’s brother try that? Double “Heh!” MVP rolls up Miz for the win. Wait…really?! Thank God this was non-title then!

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Hey! It’s time for the Jerry Springer Show! I wonder what’s happening over on the dog show…or in figure skating.

Jerry Springer: Hi, everyone. I know what you’re thinking, “If he owns RAW, where has he been all night?” Well…shortly after last week, when I bought this show, I realized that I have no idea what I’m doing. So I just thought I’d have people come out here and make confessions. That’s something you do on this show, right?

Kelly Kelly Kelly: I’m secretly pregnant! With a baby carriage full of pictures of Sean Stasiak for some reason!

Springer: Kelly, who’s the baby’s father?

Kelly: Um…I’ve been spotted out on dates with about 90% of the roster, and pretty much all the guest hosts, Jerry. It could be pretty much anybody.

Santino Marella: Except-a me! I’ve-a been too-a busy working on-a my new-a TV series-a to hard to have-a the sex with Kelly-a!

Springer: Somehow I don’t think it will matter how hard you work on it, Santino. Wait…what was that about you having sex with all the guest hosts?

Santino: Are-a you propositioning-a me?!

Michael Cole: I actually did have sex with Kelly one time, Jerry! The penis of Michael Cole in Kelly Kelly Kelly! Classic Michael Cole!

Jerry “” Lawler: Even I find that a little disturbing, Michael.

Cole: What about you?! I thought you’d be all over that.

Lawler: Uh…She’s a little old for me.

Santino: Grand-a Master Sexay-a reference!

Lawler: Man, whatever happened to that guy?

Cole: This is the most romance I’ve had since I got raped by Hrnnrnnr!

The Bella Twins: We have a confession to make. We were actually one person split into two by a horrifying lab accident.

Springer: That is hot, and I think I just threw up a little. And…completely unrelated to the Kelly thing we had going.

Kelly: But wait, there’s more! Chris Masters is my brother! And I’m having sex with him too!

“Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters: I have a confession, Jerry. I’m not a real Iron Chef.

Springer: You have nicer boobs than half the girls in the company.

Eve Torres: Chris! You’re having sex with your sister? I thought we were dating?!

Masters: Is that still going on? Neither of us have been on TV for, like, three months.

Eve: Actually, I have to admit something. I’m a lesbian dominatrix and my lesbian lover is actually a man. And it’s The Great Khali.

The Great Khali: AAAAAAAARGH!

Indian Eric Bischoff: The Great Khali is embarrassed to be a part of this segment. Think about that for a second.

Suddenly, Hornswoggle falls out of Kelly’s pants. That’s pretty much where I thought this was going anyway.

Hornswoggle: I have a confession to make, Jerry. I am both Kelly’s child and the father.

Mark Henry: Dammit! All I got was a stupid hand!

Kane: Yeah, that’s pretty bogus. I never even got my damn chicken parmesan!

Springer: You guys, even my show has more dignity than this.

Lawler: Well, that’s because none of what we said was true! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Wrestling is almost as fake as your show!

Springer: You guys…got me? I think?

Kelly: Actually, only about 1/3 of what we said wasn’t true.

Mae Young: Mark, baby! Won’t you take me back?!

Henry: I can’t see that it would hurt my career at this point.

Indian Bischoff: I’m going to go see if TNA is still hiring.

Well that was…pointless. Thanks for coming out tonight, Jerry! Springer, not Lawler.

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Kofi Johnston vs. Ted DiBiase Jr.

Lawler and Cole spend roughly an hour talking about how Ted must be hurt after taking that Bicycle Kick earlier. It’s the Finisher of Champions, you know. Seriously, though? This is Kofi Friggin’ Johnston taking on a WWE Hall of Famer. I don’t think ol’ Kofi has a chance. He does load up the Trouble in Suburban Ghana, but he ends up hitting himself in the crotch with it, which I have to admit was really impressive, but, of course Ted hits him with Dream Street for the win right after that.

In the WWE Hall of Fame: Some Guy from Japan. Congratulations, Magnum Tokyo!

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Hahahaha…Michael Cole says that tonight has been the “worst night of Bret Hart’s life.” Um…no. No, Michael. Sorry, but…No.

Now, here’s Jerry Springer’s Final Thought.

Jerry Springer: Um…I’m not even sure why I bought this show. I didn’t even bother showing up for most of it. Or booking any matches. But here’s my final thought. I don’t sure what the appeal of Monday Night RAW is, but whatever it is. You all deserve each other. Take care of yourself, and each other. Because nobody else probably will. Now if you excuse me, I have to introduce Mae Young to a transvestite prostitute.

Mark Henry: That’s my girlfriend! Er…boyfriend?

Backstage, John Cena is pacing back and forth in the parking lot. Doesn’t he know how dangerous that is?!

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Now he’s in the ring. Whew. I thought for a second he was going to get run over by the ghost of Umaga.

John Cena: Where are you, Thetista?! You said you were going to be on RAW, but I haven’t seen you yet and we’re running out of time! So come on out here and brawl with me before I have to have a match against Triple H. At least then I’ll have an excuse for losing.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am in HOLLYWOOD!

Cena: Hollywood? What? Why?!

Batista: I am a famous actor NOW! I am in a MOVIE!

Cena: Who the hell would put you in a movie?

Batista: Not even WWE FILMS!

Cena: Whatever, Dave. I bet your movie is way worse than The Marine.

Batista: Roll that trailer for The Wrong Side of TOWN!

Omigod. This is going to be the greatest movie ever. EVER!

Rob Van Dam: Dude, we have to stop that pot dealer before he gets out of control.

Batista: I am in a MOVIE!

RVD: Oh no! Duuuude! They’re shooting at us!

Batista: This is better than See No EVIL!

RVD: Bob, give me a hand here!

Batista: Who is BOB?!

RVD: Dude, that’s you! That’s your character’s name in this movie!

Batista: LINE!

RVD: Duuuude.

Batista: We found all the DRUGS!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Awesome. Why wasn’t that put out in theaters?!

Cena: I don’t know that the world was looking for a Batista/RVD buddy cop movie.

Batista: Speak for YOURSELF!

Cena: Ok. Well…see you Sunday?

Batista: OK!

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Omigosh, you guys! Jewel just bought RAW. I can’t tell if I’m excited or just laughing at the show.

John Cena vs. Triple H

I hope she sings all the songs. “Appledough-oh-oh-oh-oooooh!” I hope she brings The Holograms! Cena grabs a CHINLOCK~! I guess all those matches against Orton didn’t go for naught after all! I wonder how he can even focus on Triple H with that Batista movie and Tough Enough Jessie trying to kill Bret Hart weighing on her mind. I can’t hate Jessie for it because she’s a RAW Satire Superfan. Not that that’s helped me get a job or anything. What was I talking about?

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Cena’s got a CHINLOCK~! on Hunter. Um…did they move from this position the whole time? I wasn’t really paying attention and…here they still are. Lawler starts talking about Bret Hart out of nowhere, and all he has to say is, “We haven’t heard anything about Bret Hart.” Well, that was worth my time. Thanks, Jerry. Hunter and Cena go through each other’s finishers, STF, FU, Pedigree…Another, more different, Pedigree. Then Sheamus comes in out of nowhere with a BICYCLE KICK TO HUNTER (THE FINISHER OF CHAMPIONS~!)~! WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiiike Chioda just rolls his eyes and storms off. I’m guessing that’s a DQ? Cena just can’t wait to Sheamus out, but he turns around with a BICYCLE KICK TO CENA (STILL THE FINISHER OF CHAMPIONS~!)~! Hunter decides he’s done selling it, but Sheamus hits him with the Razor’s Edge. That’s not quite as cool, dude.

Sunday: It’s an Elimination Chamberpalooza, but there’s no NXT Chamber match, so it’s all kind of moot. Also, Tough Enough Jessie reveals that she’s in cahoots with Vince McMahon, mostly just so she can say “Cahoots.” And a Diva’s Title match. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe.