Last Night: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” beat John Cena, who beat some guy named Sheamus. Also, Shawn Michaels kicked the crap out of The Undertaker until he was on fire, which is impressive, given that he wasn’t even in that match. And that Diva’s Title match, never happened. Again. Maybe it will happen…TONIGHT!
So, of course we’re opening the show with Smackdown’s champion, Chris Jericho, because…he’s never supposed to be on this show ever again. Right? I didn’t just imagine that.
Chris Jericho: I know what you’re thinking, and you didn’t just imagine it. It wasn’t more than a few weeks ago I was kicked off RAW forever! But…forever doesn’t mean much on this show. Besides, now that we’re officially on the Road to Wrestlemania(!), they wanted to remind you all that Smackdown exists. So here I am. But really, I actually just came here to stare at Jewel’s cleavage. I’m not going to lie.
Edge: Chris Jericho! This is going to be the most predictable Wrestlemania booking!
Edge spears Jericho. Aw man. I was really looking forward to that Edge/Ezekial Jackson match! Anyway, Edge and Jericho bail out, commiserating in their shared experience of having to watch Team Canada lose yet again, when it’s time for everybody else to have some APPLE DOUGH!
John Cena: I’m not even going to rap! That’s how angry I am about being screwed by Vince McMahon! Sure, I interfered in his nefarious plans and befriended his worst enemy, but nothing NOTHING in his history has shown me that he would react in this way and screw me out of the WWE Title!
Vince McMahon: John, I know I’m not supposed to admit this stuff until I have you trapped in front of a laser or hanging over a tank of bloodthirsty sharks, but…How stupid are you? Basically everything in my history would lead you to believe that would try to screw you after you interfered in my nefarious plans and befriended my worst enemy. So I used Thetista to take out Bret Hart, and then he took out you. Which is pretty much the most effective Dave has ever been.
Tough Enough Jessie: I took out Bret Hart! I DID!
Vince: Sure you did, sweetie.
T.E. Jessie: DON’T YOU EVER WATCH THIS SHOW?! I’m the badass!
Vince: Sure I watch…this show. Which one is this? ECW?
Cena: So, now that we’ve established that Jericho is fighting Edge at Mania, by the somewhat dubious method of having them both appear on a show they’re not supposed to be on, who is fighting Dave at Mania?
Vince: I figure we’ll decide it in a match tonight! If you can beat Thetista, it’ll be you. If you can’t it’ll be Sheamus. Heh.
Sheamus: Don’t I get a say in this?
Vince: Get off my show, whitey!
Vince: Yeah! My show! Um…Internet Heat?
Maryse vs. Gail Kim
For the WWE Diva’s Title
OMG! No way! It’d be hilarious if this ended in a double count out. Vacant has pretty much been the best WWE Diva’s Champion in the belt’s history. Maurice sighting! I can’t believe I’ve been paying rapt attention to this stupid storyline. Anyway, last night Gail let slip to Maryse that she’s Canadian, and therefore automatically knows French somehow, which caused Maryse to flip out because saying things nobody understands is her only gimmick. So, today, Maryse is a maison en feu tonight. And she wins. Well…that was kind of underwhelming for twenty months of build.
Ty Murray: No, I ride bulls for a living! I’m a bull rider! Yeeahaw!
Bella Twins: Get a real job!
Murray: Honey, get a load of these freaks!
Jewel: That’s great, Ty. Ugh. Can you believe I married this guy?
Kelly Kelly Kelly: Omigosh! Jewel! What’s with the crutches?! Are you ok?!
Jewel: Yeah, I’m fine. Some guy backed into me in the parking lot, but I deflected him with my boobs. But then I twisted my ankle.
Tough Enough Jessie: That was me! I backed over you! I’m the main bad guy on this show dammit! WHY WON’T ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME?!
Jewel: What’s her deal?
Eve Torres: I have no idea, I’m just some random background character.
Jillian Hall: Another singing guest?! Finally! This is my whole gimmick!
Who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?
Some are walking, some are talking, some are stalking their kill.
You got social security, but that don’t pay your bills!
Jewel: That was actually better than I did it back in the 90s. Which, oddly enough, was also the last time this show was relevant. Jillian, my hands are small, I know, but….
Jewel slams a guitar over Jillian’s head.
Jewel: Now we’ll have to pick up Pieces of You! Am I right, ladies?
Kelly: I don’t get it.
Alicia Fox: I am also in this segment.
Elsewhere….*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*
Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the NXT Girl’s Chocolate Chip!
Cody Rhodes: Randy, I know exactly who you are. You don’t have to tell me every time you come into the room.
Orton: Couchy Rolls?! What art thou doing here?!
Rhodes: Jewel and Ty turned the dressing room into a dance studio so she can prepare for Dancing with the Stars next year.
Orton: Maybe I should be on Dining with the Scars, Couchy.
Rhodes: Look, I don’t care about any of that. I saw you got The Lemony booked in a match tonight. All three of us. In the immortal words of The Hurricane, “Huh?”
Orton: Couchy, it’s time I give you and Todd DeGrasse a thirteenth chance! Don’t scroll it up!
Cody walks out.
Ted DiBiase: So what did he say?
Cody: What do you think he said?! I don’t know! I can never understand him. I told you that you should’ve been the one to go in there and talk to him!
DiBiase: I hit him with a pipe and pinned him last night!
Cody: Well at least you’d be able to understand him while he’s yelling at you!
Kofi Johnston, Evan Bourne, and Yoshi Tatsu vs. The Lemony
What in the hell kind of generic ass team is this? If The Lemony can’t beat that bunch of jobbers, they don’t deserve an awesome nickname. And who is Yoshi Tatsu? Do I even want to know? He has awesome hair, whoever he is. I just watched his Titantron on YouTube and it appears to consist entirely of him kicking Shelton Benjamin in the face while Pokemon music plays. I approve. His teammate better look out though. Kofi is Shelton to start, and Yoshi kicks him in the face. Tried to warn him!
Sorry, what? I’ve been watching Maryse’s TitanTron on YouTube. Is this match still on? Yoshi tries to eat Orton, but Randy no-sells it and locks in a CHINLOCK~!, but Yoshi shoots his tongue across the ring to make the tag to Kofi. Kofi loads up the Trouble in Suburban Ghana, but Randy hits Cody with a DDT first. SHOCKING SWERVE~! Randy did…Exactly what we thought he was going to do. DiBiase is so the opposite of surprised, he falls over. Orton wins! That’s no way for a WWE Hall of Famer to act! Bourne tags in and pins Cody anyway. Why the hell not?
Hey! It’s Shawn Michaels! Lay it on us, Shawn!
Shawn Michaels: Last night, I set the Undertaker on fire, and he lost the World Title. So now he really, really, really has to face me at Wrestlemania, or else I’m going to have to find something even more upsetting to do. Like…giving more screen time to Michelle McCool.
The Disembodied Voice of The Undertaker: No! Don’t do that! It’s hard enough keeping her in check without you running around screwing things up. And now, my back smells like bacon! I’ve had to disembody my voice again, and you don’t want to know what’s involved in that.
Michaels: I kind of do, actually.
Voice of Taker: It involves several goats, a DVD of Animaniacs Season One, and a picture of Ron Paul.
Michaels: Never mind.
Voice of Taker: So what the hell do you want, man? A match at Wrestlemania?! You lit me on fire and then kicked me in the head. I’m in no condition!
Michaels: Come on. Pleeeeeease?
Voice of Taker: No way.
Michaels: Pretty please?
Voice of Taker: No!
Michaels: Pretty please with sugar on top?
Voice of Taker: Fine. But if I win, I get your sooooooul.
Michaels: What are you, Vampiro?
Voice of Taker: Ok, ok. Your career then.
Michaels: Sweet! Then I can go back to flipping burgers!
Backstage, Chris Tian is blissfully unaware of these events. Not that he would care.
Chris Tian vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
I love it when an internet rumor hits, and then two days later WWE is like Whaaaat? No Money in the Bank this year? Heh. I guess Tian is on RAW now, which is fine by me. But he’s also going to be on NXT where he’s mentoring some guy named Heath Slater, a guy who has fantastic hair and was possibly my least favorite character on Saved by the Bell. Carlito is also mentoring a kid, young Michael Tarver, who has a look of a guy stuck with the ring name Michael Tarver and being mentored by Carlito. His promo is basically, “Damn. Maybe next year.” Chris Tian with his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. Somewhere, Michael Tarver is filling out resumes.
Here’s the owners of RAW.
Ty Murray: Hoo doggies, this has been a real barn burner tonight, I’ll tell you.
Jewel: Why in the hell did I marry a stereotypical cowboy again?
Murray: Because I’m the only one who will put up with you? Anyway, what this show needs is more half naked women pretending to ride a bull. Ladies?
Then it’s time for Diva’s Bull Riding. Um…Ok? They’ve got a mechanical bull out there and some of them are going to ride it. Eve is first and she…rides the bull. Then Kelly Kelly Kelly also rides it. And so do both the Bella Twins. This is clearly the greatest segment in the history of our great sport. And that sport is apparently mechanical bull riding.
The Miz: I can’t believe this show has fallen this far.
The Big Show: Really? Because I pretty much can’t believe it’s taken this long.
Miz: Enough of these Foolish Games, Jewel. We want a segment on this show.
Big Show climbs onto the mechanical bull, but it’s going super fast and it throws him off.
Miz: Man, quit screwing around, we’re trying to get a segment here!
Show: I can’t believe it! They screwed me over! That bull was rigged. Damn you, Jewel!
Tough Enough Jessie: I screwed up the bull! ME! WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY NOTICE MY NEFARIOUS PLANS?!
Show takes a swing at the bull.
Jewel: That didn’t show much Intuition, Big Show.
Murray: Jewel, You Were Meant for Me!
Jewel: Don’t do that, honey, it sounds corny.
Then Jewel yodels for, like, an hour.
Mark Henry and Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Double Trouble Crap on a Stick
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles
Hey! They got their segment! Good for them. Tonight, MVP stands for Misty Valley Porcupines. Which is totally going to be the name of the next band I don’t start. Backstage, Daniel Bryan is writing a glowing review of his last Indy match on some message board. Keep it up, man! Some day they’ll HAVE to notice. Michael Cole is immediately offended even though he has no idea who Daniel Bryan is or what “The Internet” is. Show punches Henry for the win. Isn’t a closed fist still illegal? And isn’t that the lamest finisher?
Who’s in the Hall of Fame? Wendi Richter. Ten bucks says Moolah comes back from the grave to screw her out of the Hall of Fame spot. Bret Hart will just nod his head in understanding.
Vince McMahon: You know who I haven’t humiliated enough lately? Bret Hart. So I’m going to have him come on back next week so that I can dump manure on his head or something. Seriously. Screw that guy. Again. I don’t know who injured him-
Tough Enough Jessie: ME! IT WAS ME!
Vince: -but whoever it was deserves a medal. One that says, “I Humiliated Bret Hart and All I Got Was This Lousy Medal.”
Shawn Michaels: I have enough of those to make a pair of medal chaps!
Elsewhere, John Cena is reading message board postings about some guy named “Daniel Bryan.”
John Cena vs. Hollywood “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
Cheech and Chong just bought RAW. The internet is not big enough for the amount of RVD jokes that just spawned in my head. It’s too bad he doesn’t have a movie coming out or something. Bret will be here next week, by the way, because he cannot get enough of telling Vince, and us, how miserable he’s been for the past decade. Batista punches Cena in the balls for the DQ. Awesome. See, Big Show? That’s a finisher. Thetista continues to wail on Cena with a chair until Dean Malenko comes out to break it up. Dean is having none of your crap tonight, Batista.
Next Week: Cheech and Chong somehow manage to be even more worthless as hosts than Jewel and Jerry Springer. Also, Dave’s not here man…he’s filming Wrong Side of Town II: Wronger Side of Town. And Bret Hart shows up, cries, and then leaves.