Archive for March 2010

American Idol ’10: Top Ten Perform

March 31, 2010 American Idol One comment

It’s R n’ B night tonight, and nobody’s more excited about this than Randy, who gets to pretend like he knows what he’s talking about, and perhaps say the word “wheelhouse” at least once tonight. They’ve got camera’s backstage tonight. That’s the gimmick, and it’s just weird. Like…I don’t want to see the contestants talking to themselves, eating melons, or hugging it out. I don’t care enough.

Anyway, our guest for tonight is Usher, who is actually a good singer. Ryan puts on sunglasses and looks like a depressed Jeff Winger as he tries to coax Confessions Part V out of Usher, and his bodyguard looks ready to disembowel Ryan, so that doesn’t last particularly long.

We get an early look at everybody’s clothing tonight. Siobhan’s doing cosplay apparently, Andrew looks like your grandpa, Crystal is dressed like a girl, which is a whole different kind of cosplay, and Randy Jackson is dressed in a five year old’s sweater. Simon tries to get Ellen to play along with some weird sex talk, but it goes right over her head and he’s just left babbling to himself. This…Is American Idol!

(Idol Drinking Game for Tonight: Drink every time Siobhan uses her weird and mysterious powers to sabotage the other contestants somehow.)

Siobhan Magnus
The Song: “Through the Fire” by Chaka Khan
Usher Says: This girl is too strange. Even for me.
The Performance:
Siobhan’s dressed in a slutty space suit, which earns points from me, but I’m not sure about the rest of America. Maybe she should be dancing with Buzz Aldrin. I’m sort of digging the backup singers all up in our business, though. They should be dressed up as hilarious aliens.

So apparently this is the Kermit the Frog cover of this song. I mean, she hits her big note, but her voice doesn’t suit this style of music at all. You can’t trust Siobhan to carry the low verses, y’all. She’s more of a rock power ballad kind of girl. She’s going to get murdered in country week. But whatever, she’s still going to be safe. Now check out the weird “look backstage” camera as Siobhan is attacked by Big Mike while she’s crying and eating cantaloupe. What?
The Judges Say: You sound like you’re out of breath.
I Say: She’s got enough catalog thus far to coast, but it’s a bumpy ride right now.
Score:+2
Change: -1

Casey James
The Song: “Hold on I‘m Comin‘” by Sam and Dave
Usher Says: He can hide behind his guitar. Amateur.
The Performance:
It’s not all guitar this week, which is ok. It’s like they dialed it way the hell down for some reason until his big solo at the end. I kind of think he didn’t make that decision, because his whole thing right now is that he’s “Guitar Guy.” I mean, he’s ok as a skinnier less drug-addled Bo Bice, but he’s not going to win.

But in terms of overall performance, this was just fine. Like bland Southern rock. Ellen is probably right (?), in that he’s playing it way too safe. He’s just kind of middle of the road. He’s the Nickleback of American Idol. Kara asks to see him naked, and Ryan has a titter fest about it.
The Judges Say: Boring, but that’s good enough for now.
I Say: He’s got a good thing going here. For now.
Score: +2
Change: +1

Mike Lynche
The Song: “Ready for Love” by India Arie
Usher Says: I want you to be kind of creepy.
The Performance:
Mike’s got the bomber jacket and acoustic guitar and a spotlight that makes it look like he’s about to be abducted by Siobhan any second here. That’s her revenge for interrupting her cantaloupe therapy session early. He’s also taken the risky position of performing behind the judges so they can’t see him.

It…is what it is. Kind of weird, like he’s on the public access channels playing in front of one of those church recitals. It’s kind of sleepy and amateurish, but it’s really actually pretty good. It’s not fun, charismatic Big Mike. They throw to Usher to pat Mike on the back some more. Usher is sitting amongst Mike’s family which is…awkward. Unless they move all the families down there every performance.
The Judges Say: That was exactly the kind of performance you needed.
I Say: A little too slow and light for my tastes, but it was pretty damn good.
Score: +2
Change: +1

Didi Benami
The Song: “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” by Jimmy Ruffin
Usher Says: Get out of here crying lady.
The Performance:
Seriously, Didi. Even Brooke didn’t fall apart over song choice. She should’ve sang “Yeah.” I dare her. I still like her hair though. And her dress. I think my parents have a couch with that same pattern! Only a little less bedazzled.

Her voice sounds weird with this song. She’s got that weird vibrato that sounds dumb when she’s singing anything than songs that are constructed for that. She does hit a Siobhan note at the end for no reason. Other than Siobhan and her cantaloupe are haunting the whole night. This was all kind of weird. Simon takes an awesome potshot by calling her a “Dancing with the Stars” caliber singer. Zing! Ryan gets all up in her grill and wants her to air all her dirty laundry on TV, but she freaks out and Simon saves her.
The Judges Say: You’re going completely downhill.
I Say: This was not exactly her week, you know?
Score: -1
Change: -1

Tim Urban
The Song: “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker
Usher Says: Make me the person you‘re in love with.
The Performance:
Tim Urban is enveloped in the crowd. It’s kind of funny, because if I didn’t know, I wouldn’t be able to pick him out at all. It’s like AI Where’s Waldo! Tim and Usher’s practice session is awesome. Usher’s giving him dating advice more than singing advice. Usher would make a great date coach. Use this time to get laid, Tim!

Tim really is like a dollar store Michael Buble, who is still voting for Antonella Barba somewhere. He should’ve gone for the untied bowtie look. I should really be directing wardrobe for these kids. First rule? No bomber jackets or moon boots. More upholstery. Tim sings the entire song to his bangs, which isn’t what Usher was talking about. Unless he really loves his bangs, which…I wouldn’t doubt. Randy has a hilarious elephant patch on his sweater. More of those too! Simon legitimately almost starts filming X Factor right there.
The Judges Say: Look, Sanjaya, we don’t give a shit anymore.
I Say: He’s not quite the hilarious disaster Sanjaya was. Yet.
Score: -3
Change: -2

Andrew Garcia
The Song: “Forever” by Chris Brown
Usher Says: Dude is too nervous for me to properly advise.
The Performance:
Andrew goes into the break waving like a nerd. Ellen is wearing the tie that Tim should’ve been wearing. Chris Brown…an interesting choice. Hopefully he doesn’t punch anybody in the middle of the song. He’s got the bass and…guy playing a box on stage with him, which is kind of awesome.

Vocally, it’s better than he’s been in a while. It’s a nice, smooth vocal. Simon is right, of course, that there’s no way he’s going to get votes with this. Because, it was a technically good performance, the fact is that Andrew has no personality and has already fallen off that particular table. Good vocals, but boring, yes. Andrew’s mother comes up and attacks Simon, which is waaaay more interesting. Can she perform with him every week?
The Judges Say: We won‘t even mention “Straight Up!” Wait…we just did!
I Say: He’s magically avoided the curse of Siobhan tonight!
Score: -1
Change: +1
Katie Stevens
The Song: “Chain of Fools” by Aretha Franklin
Usher Says: Oh great, you tried to harass me at Disney World one time.
The Performance:
Oh, Katie. You’re ignoring two of the Golden Rules of American Idol. Golden Rule Three (Thou Shalt Not Cover Mariah, Whitney, or Aretha, Unless You’re a “Soul Diva” or a Goofy Guy), and Golden Rule Four (Thou Shalt Not Cover a Song Older Than Your Parents, Especially When You’re Already Being Called “Too Old Fashioned”). You can almost feel Simon and Randy blowing their stacks. At least she looks nice.

And actually, her vocals are just fine. It works in a weird way. Her weird, sassy choreography doesn’t really do anything for her, but her voice fits the song really well. She doesn’t have the range of some of the people in here, but when she hits the notes, it’s really solid. Everybody is complimentary, except Simon who takes a shot at Star Search and Kara and strikes her down for daring to mess with the Idol Gods, and the judges are fighting instead of critiquing, and Ryan just wants to get drunk.
The Judges Say: Good, but way too old and boring. And Kara’s a stupid head.
I Say: Call me crazy, but that was a million times better than what I thought it would be.
Score: +2
Change: +1

Lee DeWyze
The Song: “Treat Her Like a Lady” by The Cornelius Brothers
Usher Says: Lee is a Treat. See what I did there?
The Performance:
Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! No? His shirt has buttons and zippers, which is great. Apparently he has pneumonia too. Everybody’s dying this season. He probably just got struck down when he was looking at Siobhan’s cantaloupe funny. I don’t even know if I meant that to be innuendo or not.

It’s not really surprising that this is really good. This is in that Lee DeWyze/Elliot Yamin wheelhouse of “Music that sounds good but nobody would buy.” Randy wastes no time in calling him “The Bomb.” I can’t wait until Dave Matthews week. Even Simon is gushing all over the place to put him in second place. Siobhan’s going to kill him now.
The Judges Say: This is the night that’s going to change your life.
I Say: I don’t know about that, but it was really, really good.
Score: +1
Change: +2

Crystal Bowersox
The Song: “Midnight Train to Georgia” by Gladys Knight and the Pips
Usher Says: I’m psychic too. See? Watch.
The Performance:
Ryan’s in the Tim Urban position in the crowd, but thankfully for him, he doesn’t look like a ten year old girl, so he’s easy to spot. Does this mean Aaron Kelly’s closing the show? Ha! Somehow I doubt that Crystal’s shocking swerve is the fact that she’s actually wearing women’s clothing tonight. Her huge swerve? She’s playing the piano. Laaaame. I was hoping she was going sing doing a headstand or while on fire or something.

She stops playing halfway through anyway, which is lame. But then she busts into crazy white girl swaying, which is hilarious. The vocals are just fine, as per usual. She has a false start on her first Siobhan note, which is crazy bad, and doesn’t quite hit the second go-round. So no marks for the power notes, but overall this was fine.
The Judges Say: Good job taking the big risk and hitting it!
I Say: Playing a different instrument isn’t exactly a “big shocker.”
Score: +3
Change: +1

Aaron Kelly
The Song: “Ain‘t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers
Usher Says: I know. I know. I know! Geez.
The Performance:
Wind chimes! Hell yes! No wonder they wanted him to close the show. You can’t top wind chimes. Aaron looks like he just got pulled away from the bus stop to do this performance. What’s with the giant hoodie? Stay tuned for more of Aaron’s hilarious dance moves and baby tiger faces though!

This…is not really working for me. We’ve returned to “mumbling” as a means of singing, and he does the looping “I knows” that Usher told him not to. How sad is it that Miley Cyrus might be the only one to make this kid sing halfway decently? The weird affections that he’s doing are hilarious though. I can’t hate him for that. And more wind chimes. I demand a theme week!
The Judges Say: Mediocre, but whatever. It’s not going to change your position.
I Say: So boring that I’ve already forgotten everything but the wind chimes.
Score: +2
Change: +/- 0

Bottom Three: Andrew Garcia, Siobhan Magnus, Didi Benami

It’s about time that we had a “shocking” elimination. Tim should be the one to go, but it’s not going to happen this week, because America has this weird fetish for keeping people like him around until the last minute and then bailing on him. Aaron also probably deserves to be down here, but he won’t be.

Siobhan will get sent to the bottom three, cry, eat some cantaloupe, and be the first one sent back to the chairs. Of the two left, then Didi had the rougher week. I don’t know what has been going on with her song choices the past few weeks, but she’s been crazy awful, and I don’t see an Ingrid Michaelson week coming up any time soon.

But, despite his good performance tonight, I think Andrew Garcia’s the one who is going home. And here’s the thing. Pre-season favorites who start off with strong followings usually see them nosedive after their first genuinely good performance, because people assume that they’ll be getting votes anyway. Andrew’s not polarizing enough to pull this off.

Prediction: Andrew Garcia

YouTube Monday: Here It Is (Sorry)

March 29, 2010 YouTube No comments

Last week, I bitched about not being able to show you the terrible horror of Lady Gaga and Beyonce in prison.

Now I can. And there’s no way that I can appologize enough for what I’m about to subject you to. Here it is.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for March 21st – 27th, 2010

March 29, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

1. March Badness. I don’t mean to complain, because I love the fact that underdog teams are pretty much dominating the tournament (with the exception of Duke, of course). But my bracket was completely shot, like, a week and a half ago.

2. 24 Got 86′d One of the most popular television shows from a couple years ago finally got cancelled. It was a pretty fantastic concept that was really well executed for about five years, but pretty much fell apart for the past three years.

3. Rapidshare of All Companies Is Fighting Copyright Infringement. America’s favorite downloading copyrighted files site, is coming out and saying that all the people using their site are criminals. Which is…the right thing to say. But it’s kind of hillarious to hear them saying it.

4. Nintendo Announces Virtual Boy 2. Ok, ok, not really. But the 3DS, a native 3D platform was announced this week and will, apparently, be ready to be demoed at E3. It’s 3D without glasses somehow, and I’m curious to see exactly how this will work, and if it will make people sick like the Virtual Boy did. At least it’ll be more colors than just red and black!

5. ‘Battlefield Earth’ Writer Is Kind of Hillarious. J.D. Shapiro, the writer of the worst movie of the 2000s, ‘Battlefield Earth’ appologized this week. He admits that he didn’t work particularily hard on the Scientology epic, but he’s actually really, really proud of it. Because when people look back at the worst movies ever made? His name will always be right there.

RAW Satire for 3/22/10

March 25, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Not even Stone Cold Steve Austin could make Bret Hart relevant to today’s wrestling scene. Shawn Michaels couldn’t find a single person who hates him enough to end his career. And, in an attempt to become even less over as a face than he already is, Randy Orton did not manage to stop the Sheamus/Triple H match. Maybe he’ll have better luck…TONIGHT!

Here comes Shawn Michaels. Oh, Shawn, your career isn’t going to end tonight either. Don’t get your hopes up, buddy.

Shawn Michaels: I know what you’re thinking, but I’ve really got my hopes up for tonight! After Superkicking Undertaker on Smackdown, I feel like…You know when you do something, and then you go home, and you’re like, “Oh snap! I should not have done that! I‘m so going to get beat up!” That’s how I feel right now! And look, I have a career retrospective DVD out! Another one!

A video retrospective of Shawn’s career is show. I’m not sure they needed to show almost an hour of clips of him in bicycle shorts and as Commissioner Michaels, which is just a lingering shot of an empty office, but I appreciate the effort. It ends with a shot of Shawn and Marty Jannetty losing to the Nasty Boys while “Shawn Michaels’ Career 1901 – 2010” is shown in…I think that’s Comic Sans. I’m not really good with fonts, y’all.

Shawn: Whyspyr is so good at iMovie, you guys!

Pete Rose: Hi. I’m WWE Hall of Famer Pete Rose, and I accidentally clicked “Buy It Now” when I saw this show on eBay. Shawn, tonight you are going to face my nemesis…Shane!

Shawn: Do you mean Kane?

Rose: Maybe. And the match stipulations will be the same as at Wrestlemania!

Shawn: YES! If I can manage to lose tonight, my career is OVER!

Kane: And, if I lose my…um…RAW losing streak is…continued. I guess. Sigh.

Rose: SHANE! My money is on Michaels!

Kane: Oh, haven’t you learned anything, Pete?

Rose: Never!

(ads)

The Miz (w/ Big Show) vs. John Morrison (w/ R-Truth)

I accidentally bought WCW Saturday Night on eBay one time. Boy was that embarrassing. I do think that might have been the only time Barry Darsow got a pay check while he worked there though. Hey, remember when this match was the next big thing and these guys were going to headline Wrestlemania some day? Well…about that. This feud has R-Truth in it, and I think that’s about all you need to know. Wherefore art thou Joey Mercury? Or…um…Matt Cappotelli. Why do I remember that? Big Show joins the commentary and spends the next twenty minutes just making fun of Michael Cole. Match of the night.

(ads)

Oh, it’s still going on? Why? We’ve already established that it can’t get any better than this. Trying any harder is pretty pointless. That WWE remembers that these two were not only the hosts of a semi-popular online show but long reigning tag team champions seems a bit unlikely. Say what you will about Morrison, but the guy still has pretty fantastic abs. I’m just saying. Wait, what was I just saying? Anyway, Morrison explains the concept of the band Cobra Starship to Miz, who is so shocked and confused that he gets rolled up easily for the win. Wait ‘til he hears about Ke$ha! Show can’t wait until the bell rings to knock Truth the hell out, but then he gets kicked in the face by Morrison. Big Show sad!

Backstage….

Triple H: Oh, that Chuck is such a rascal! What semi-comedic international incident will he find himself in next?

Randy Orton: Hunger, I need to talker to you.

HHH: For the last time, Randy, no. I will not start Evolution again. And you can’t borrow my salad bowl. I know you’re just going to wear it around like a douche.

Orton: Actively, Triopoly H, I wanted to talk about our handkerchief march tonight against The Lemony and Shameless!

HHH: Damn you, Pete Rose! You know what? Screw it. Let me go get my salad bowl, then you just leave me in peace.

Orton: Yay!

(ads)

Here’s some San Fransisco 49ers. Not pictured: Any actual NFL players.

Kofi Johnston vs. Vladamir Kozlov
Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

Hahahaha! I love Vladamir Kozlov. Kofi is Shelton to start, while Vlad is Soda Popinski. I still like Kozlov’s old album theme better. The one that sounds like Tetris. You know what I’m talking about. Jack Swagger is out on commentary for some reason. Hopefully just to spit on Michael Cole. So I guess half the roster is in this Money in the Bank match. I think there might even be some TNA guys. Alex Shelley is going to Wrestlemania~! He wishes. Vlad has done nothing but bear hugs and head butts for the last five minutes. That has been the entire match. This pretty much rules. Kofi with a kick to the head out of nowhere for the win. Aw!

(ads)

*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Cody Rhodes: Finally, the end of the Lemony! We’re fighting each other at Wrestlemania. I’m going to beat Randy and Ted and take home the big prize!

Ted DiBiase: There’s…um…no prize, Cody. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but the break-up of Lemony is as follows, I’m a heel, Randy’s a face, and nobody cares about you. We’re wrestling at Wrestlemania for…The rights to star in The Marine 3, I think. I’m really, really not sure.

Cody: What do you mean nobody cares about me?! I’m Cody Rhodes! The youngest Rhodes in WWE history! No Rhodes is younger than me, Ted! Unless they hire Dakota for some reason.

DiBiase: You know what? I don’t think anybody’s happier about the end of the Lemony as me.

Cody: At least I got to turn heel.

(ads)

The Lemony and Sheamus vs. Triple H and Randy Orton

That Pete Rose sure is a jerk, booking a handicap match like this. Poor Cody and Ted will never recover. Sheamus will probably just go back to being Sheamus though. The story of the match is Cody and Ted tagging each other in and out even though they hate each other for some reason now. Cody must really want to be in The Marine 3. Orton gets the hot tag and the crowd goes wild. Oh, man, these guys are going to be so disappointed once Randy’s actually a face. You have no idea. Actually, you probably have a pretty good idea because you were probably around the last time this happened a couple years ago. Sheamus out of nowhere with the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win. Leave it to Sheamus to defy the odds. Hunter clears the ring, of course, because…he’s Triple H.

Backstage, Bret Hart is eating a raw fish.

(ads)

According to Michael Cole, WWE.com is going to be stalking Bret and reporting on everything he does. I remember they did that with London and Kendrick one time, and all I learned was that Brian Kendrick was a lazy stoner and Paul London wanted to quit so bad he couldn’t even hide it from a WWE.com fluff piece, so this will be interesting.

Bret Hart: You know, I’ve spent a lot of time traveling the world. As a wrestler, a topless genie, an insane hobgoblin, and I’ve done a lot of stupid things. But nothing quite so stupid as reconciling with Vince McMahon, agreeing to do Wrestlemania, and wrestling one last match even though I had a stroke and can barely move. But it’s sort of fitting that my night of triumph over Vince will come on the same night that nasty hobbit Shawn Michaels is retired once and for all.

Backstage….

Shawn Michaels: At least somebody believes in me!

Meanwhile….

Bret: Get ready folks, because the Hart family is coming to Phoenix, and instead of years of “Bret Screwed Bret” you’ll be saying “Bret Beat Vince!”

Crowd: Bret Beat Bret! Bret Beat Bret!

What is this The Impact Zone?

Bret: I’ve had a lot of classic Wrestlemania matches. Against Austin, against my brother Owen, that one time that Yokozuna threw salt in my eyes and I let Hulk Hogan have the WWF Title even though he was going to quit anyway, and the time I let Shawn have the title in an Ironman Match or he would cry, or the time that…You know what? Wrestlemania has been pretty terrible for me overall. But all I want is one more opportunity. One more chance to hold it. To wear it. My belt. My precious!

Vince McMahon: I just wanted to come out and say how funny I think it is that I’ve finally, after fifteen years, found an opponent who is somehow less mobile than I am. This is going to be the worst Wrestlemania match of all time!

Backstage….

Shawn Michaels: Did you hear him? He believes that I’m going to be retired! Isn’t it great? I knew Bret would come around to me eventually.

Pete Rose: I have no idea what you’re talking about, but $50 says Vince accidentally knocks Bret out at Wrestlemania, leading to him running off into the desert never to be seen again.

Shawn: That’s far too plausible a scenario for me to bet against.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels vs. Kane
If Shawn Michaels Loses He’s Retired or Something

Shawn looks super excited. Maybe all he’s needed was a little more Kane. Kane, however, makes the fatal error of mocking Shawn’s mirror chaps to start. Right hands to Kane. Shawn just can’t help himself. Nobody mocks his dress attire and gets away with it! Shawn realizes what he’s been doing about two minutes later, and tries to lay down and take the pin, but suddenly Kane transforms into The Undertaker. I didn’t even know he could do that! That’s kind of spiffy, actually. Next turn into T.L. Hopper! Taker, of course, has no interest whatsoever in pinning Shawn tonight and ruining his Wrestlemania pay day. Shawn begs Taker to stay and roll him up, but Taker turns back into Kane and holds Shawn on top of himself for the win. Shawn is beside himself with grief.

(ads)

In the Hall of Fame? That Announcer from Major League. Join us next year when they induct the announcer from Rollerball. Wait….

Backstage….

Chris Tian: …could you imagine?! I’d be feuding with Brutus Beefcake right now! Even being on NXT is better than that.

Pete Rose: I have no idea what any of those words you just said mean. Want to bet on Dancing with the Stars?

Tian: Nope. I just want to see Erin Andrews in a miniskirt.

Rose: Whatever. I’m going to go see what’s in this closet. It’s about time I find where they hide the booze in this here place.

Tian: Good luck with that, dude. I’m going to go pat myself on the back for getting out of TNA in time.

Pete Rose opens the closet and Kane is hiding in there, of course.

Kane: I’ve been waiting for you in here all night! Thanks for finally opening that door!

Rose: Kane! My nermalsis!

Then Kane sets Pete Rose on fire. Best feud ever. EVER!

(ads)

Eve Torres, Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix (w/ Kelly Kelly Kelly and Mickie James) vs. Layla El, Michelle McCool, and Maryse (w/ Vickie Guerrero and Alicia Fox)

Sure, why not? Beth Phoenix is the worst face. Yeah, yeah, I know. OBJECTION! But you’re overruled Beth Phoenix fans. Terrible. And I love that Vickie is involved in this for no reason whatsoever. I know he’s currently engulfed in flame, but if I were Pete Rose, I’d be backstage bitching about how I didn’t get my mandatory creepy/hot scene with the Bella Twins and date with Kelly Kelly Kelly. What the hell is happening in this match? Oh. It’s been over for, like, ten minutes. I guess Michelle McCool pinned Gail Kim, which should tell you pretty much everything you need to know.

(ads)

Main event interview time! Here’s “Dave” Batista “Davidson”.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Say hello to the bad GUY!

In Orlando….

Scott Hall: Hey, yo! Kev! Mang, he stole my line! Doesn’t he know I’m on TV again?

Kevin Nash: Who…Wait…Scott? Aren’t you supposed to be wrestling right now?

Hall: Was that tonight?! Oh, man, I’m sorry.

Nash: Man…I stood up for you. Again! I’ve got to stop doing that.

Hall: Pac can handle it alone. I’ve got an entire pig to eat anyway. I got it at that shop down there.

Nash: Down where?

Hall: Down THERE!

Hall and Nash: Hahahahahahahaha!

Hall: Seriously though, where does this guy get off?

Aren’t they supposed to be watching their own show?

Batista: I have a big BELT! I do not like John CENA! I can see HIM! And it does not make me HAPPY! Why does everyone hate ME? I am going to WRESTLEMANIA! That is pretty GOOD!

John Cena: Yo, Dave. You don’t even get a rap tonight. You know why? Because serious John Cena is serious. But if you think people hate you? They hate me more! Oh sure, women and kids can’t get enough of me, but have you read the Internet lately?

Batista: I am not allowed on the INTERNET!

Cena: Everybody on there hates me. And it makes me really sad. Even more sad than you. This Wrestlemania match is about redemption. If I can beat Batista, then I can win over the fans that say I’m not a hardcore wrestler any more! I can too wrestle! THE CHAMP IS….

Batista: ME! The champ is ME! One more win for the good GUY!

And then they start brawling. THEY’RE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! Seriously, you guys, this is the main event at Wrestlemania. It’s going to be hilarious. Dean Malenko hits the ring and stares them down. Dean does not mess around.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: OMG It’s WRESTLEMANIA! Who will walk out the WWE Champion? Which of the 40 competitors will win Money In the Bank? Will Bret Hart manage to come out without bawling and throwing himself into the sea? Will Shawn Michaels get his wish and never wrestle again?! All that and Andy Rooney!

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Blackfathom Deeps

March 25, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

The Twighlight Hammer is a cult full of jerks, who like to hang out in places full of evil power and stand around. Naga are a bunch of former night elves that turned into fish and are pretty much assholes. There’s also a big ass evil hyrda.

As the world’s foremost experts in killing jerks, assholes, and giant evil Hydras, you decide to go to Blackfathom Deeps and kill all their asses. This is pretty much all the lore they dropped for you to want to go to BFD.

There’s some stuff about it being a Temple of Elune until they figured out that there was an Old God who lived in the basement, but that’s not really expounded on in WoW.

Degree of Difficulty: Easy

Honestly, getting into the instance is more of a hassle than the fights themselves. You have to dive into an underwater cave, wend your way through a tunnel, and then backtack your way into the instance. After that, it’s long and has absolute ton of trash, but you won’t be challenged by anything that happens here. Other than the sheer amount of time you’ll end up wasting here.

Even the bosses are a step way down from what you’d find in SFK or Deadmines. The fact that this is the first dungeon that’s really open to both factions is kind of disappointing, but at least both sides get to be vaguely disappointed at the content, I guess.

Bosses:

Ghamoo-ra: A big turtle with lots of HP and armor, so it’s a war of attrition more than anything else. AoE will engage the other turtles around him, but you can avoid them if you’re careful. Hunters can tame him if that’s your thing.

Lady Sarevess: Good tank practice really, because her number one attack is a lighting bolt that cones out forward, meaning the tank has to keep her from facing the rest of the group. She’s also got a Slow and Frost Nova which can make her annoying when she’s running away.

Lorgus Jett: Despite having a totally awesome name, all he’s got is a lightning spell and a a lightning shield. And he doesn’t really drop anything. Really, just a named mob.

Gelhast: Mostly notable because he’s a murloc. Ok, the worst thing about Gelhast is that you’ll probably accidentally pull him and a full room of Murlocs at least once when one flees in terror right into all their aggro ranges. Otherwise he’s easy.

Twilight Lord Kelris: He’s got Mind Control, which is annoying, Sleep, which is even more annoying, and a standard shadow attack. He’s constantly on the move, so make sure you’ve killed all the mobs leading up to him and you’ll be fine.

Aku’mai: A Hydra with a lot of health, a couple powerful melee attacks, and a poison. But it’s really just a tank and spank fight. Not much for the end boss of an instance.

Special Features:

A few extra bosses that are off the beaten path. Old Serra’kis is hidden in an underwater cave if you’d like to hit everything. The Horde have a quest to summon Baron Aquanis, a little water elemental. To get past the Moonshrine Sanctum, you need to click through the altars there. Make sure you do one at a time, because each one will summon a group of enemies, and you can get overwhelmed if you’re not paying attention.

Recommended for Levels: 22-27

Another marathon instance created during Blizzard’s “Hey, you know what people want? Confusing corridors and trash mobs” period. Blackfathom Deeps often gets ignored, and rightfully so. It’s way the hell out of the way, the quests in there (except the Aquanis and Paladin quests) aren’t really even worth doing, and the instance doesn’t really bring anything new to the table. Still, I guess it’s worth doing for completion’s sake, but probably just to solo it as an 80 or whatever and get it out of the way.

American Idol 2010: Top Eleven Perform

March 24, 2010 American Idol No comments

So, you know who has an awesome back catalog of music experience and industry toughness to set these crazy Idol kids straight? Miley Cyrus. I can’t tell if I’m being serious or not. She’s only 17 and she’s a complete product of the Disney hype machine, but then again, her life is crazy, y’all. Who better to tell people what it’s like to be super young and on TV all the time?

Tonight’s theme? “Billboard’s Number One Hits.” I love this theme, because there’s so many different genres and songs to choose from, if the contestants pick the right songs, you usually end up with at least one really amazing performance (SPOILER ALERT: They don’t). Plus it beat the hell out of Michael Bolton theme night or whatever in terms of actually figuring out what these kids sound like. Except Casey, of course, who would rock Michael Bolton night.

The judges are looking very dapper tonight. Ok, not really, but at least Ellen’s scarf matches her sweater. Is…is that a euphemism? I don’t even know. Simon already looks pissed the hell off, so he must’ve been here during rehearsal.

(Idol Drinking Game for Tonight: Every time Somebody looks like, “Miley Cyrus is going to tell me how to sing? Really, you guys?” Drink!)

Lee DeWyze
The Song: “The Letter” by The Box Tops
Miley Says: He’s a fine singer, but boring as hell.
The Performance:
Lee gives us our first, “Miley, please!” look tonight when she’s telling him that he’s really boring. Lee’s got a whole horn section out there with him, which isn’t helping, because the horn section is awesome and hilarious and is totally overshadowing Lee. He’s singing fine, but it’s still boring as hell.

Vocally it’s kind of funny, because he’s fine, and it sounds nothing like the version of this song you know. But it really is hard to focus in on the voice when the band and the background singers are selling all out and he’s not. Simon kind of hits the nail on the head that this is a fine “performance” performance, but outside of that it’s just so much chaff it’s ridiculous.
The Judges Say: You are our favorite pen, and we want to write with you(?).
I Say: Can I vote to bring the horn section back for next week?
Score: -1
Change: -1

Paige Miles
The Song: “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins
Miley Says: Pitchy! I get to say pitchy! PITCHY!
The Performance:
Hooooly shit this was tough to listen to. Her voice is in shreds, and this is like…a smooth voice song. And the band almost feels bad for her. Like, the drum beat to send her into the chorus kind of went, “bum…bumm…Bum?” I’d kind of like to give her the benefit of the doubt like Miley did, but she just kind of got slaughtered by this. Bad voice or not.

You can tell she’s feeling it too. Isn’t she supposed to be trying for the fun country vibe too? She hits a couple of the bigger notes and sounds fine, but then it all falls apart again. Kara gets it right on (?!) that Paige just looks like she’s given up on the competition, and she’s an easy elimination this week. Which is funny, because that probably means people will keep her around to spite her.
The Judges Say: It’s like there’s five of you, and they’re all just getting worse.
I Say: The Paige bandwagon has crashed into the station.
Score: -2
Change: -3

Tim Urban
The Song: “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen
Miley Says: Dang, yo. This guy is boring too! Let’s make out.
The Performance:
The Miley/Tim show looks like it would be a sitcom. They should work on that now that Hannah Montana is over. Seriously though, they probably should. Neither of those two crazy kids is going anywhere any time soon. Though Tim actually sounds ok this week.

Tim’s actually up there giving it a shot, and I know the judges savage him for it, but I actually kind of love this attempt at going balls out and doing a weird Elvis impersonation. He’s out there running through the crowd and doing a baseball slide, and this is probably the most entertaining and relevant this kid will ever be, so hat’s off to him.
The Judges Say: This has been pointless because everybody knows you’re not going to win.
I Say: This was actually kind of…ok?
Score: -1
Change: +1

Aaron Kelly
The Song: “I Don‘t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith
Miley Says: Finally, somebody I’m bigger and more experienced than!
The Performance:
Ryan said on the commercial that Aaron and Crystal would be singing Aerosmith and Janis Joplin, and I was kind of praying that Aaron would be singing Janis, because that would be awesome. I hope Kara nails him for not properly conveying the feeling of being Liv Tyler watching Bruce Willis die. Oh, spoiler alert from a movie from ten years ago.

This is in that weird Aaron Kelly wheelhouse, where there’s no reason it should work, but it kind of does. Miley’s going nuts in the audience. Kara loves his song choice, because she can almost see Ben Affleck crying in the background. The band starts playing Kara off stage, which is kind of hilarious. It’s not the best performance, and he’s never going to win, but whatever. This week it worked. Seacrest gets in the last word by calling him “David Archuletta.”
The Judges Say: You’re like our own little Justin Beiber. Say “Shawty.”
I Say: It worked for what it was, so good on him for that.
Score: +2
Change: +1

Crystal Bowersox
The Song: “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin
Miley Says: Sing higher! See I can give out critiques too!
The Performance:
Crystal looks like she should be giving Miley advice, not the other way around, which gives us our second “Miley, please” moment of the night, when Ms. Cyrus starts throwing down critiques and Crystal just laughs it off. She could play Miley’s mom in the Cyrus/Urban project. Crystal gets Miley to sign her guitar anyway, because I think the mom in her felt bad about laughing at her.

She’s not playing her signed guitar tonight anyway. What’s the point of that? This guitar is bigger than her, which is kind of fun. It looks like a cello. Technically, it’s great, of course. I honestly have a hard time seeing where this is going to be relevant once she’s won this show, but I can’t fault her for that now. That was pretty freaking good. She’s getting a little cocky.
The Judges Say: Loosen up a little bit, because you’re still pretty fantastic.
I Say: Her best performance in a long time, which is great, because she’s going to win this show.
Score: +2
Change: +2

Mike Lynche
The Song: “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge
Miley Says: I’m in super in love with him, but if he calls me Hannah again, I’ll cut him.
The Performance:
Miley alternately loves and hates Mike, because he calls her “Hannah” which sets off her bitch face, but he could probably eat her, so she’s really chill about it. There’s kind of a creepy vibe happening there, actually. Like, Mike is actually singing this directly to her, and Miley’s all into it. It’s weird. Watch out, Tim Urban!

Mike goes all Reuban on the song, and it works to that effect. I love his voice, and once again, this has no future after the competition, but for this show it’s awesome. The judges are right, in that the performance is boring, because this is a boring ass song, but Mike performs it very well. Simon is just happy that Ryan isn’t threatening to beat the crap out of him this week.
The Judges Say: Good, but your wheelhouse is kind of a terrible one to be stuck in.
I Say: The creepy performance with Miley was more entertaining, but this was fine.
Score: +1
Change: +1

Andrew Garcia
The Song: “Heard It Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye
Miley Says: You should probably learn the song. And quit hiding.
The Performance:
Andrew is star struck by Miley of all people. Which is kind of hilarious for a guy with a neck tattoo. This should be interesting, though, given that he’s not trying to do a weird cover of a girl that you can compare to his Hollywood round, even though he has so many choices this week. He could’ve done “Baby, One More Time!” The butterflies would fly away.

He’s not going all Taylor Hicks on this, which I just assumed that he would. Longing shot at Miley a couple times and she’s not paying attention, which is funny. He’s getting out sung by the background singers which isn’t a good sign. Kara tells him to sing “Straight Up” every week, and Simon somehow resists the urge to bitchslap her. Not the worst performance tonight, but not good.
The Judges Say: Somehow, against all odds, you’re going to make the damn tour.
I Say: OH MY GOD! I realized what I hated most about this performance! Andrew’s weird helmet hair makes him look like a California Raisin!
Score: -2
Change: -1

Katie Stevens
The Song: “Big Girl‘s Don‘t Cry” by Fergie
Miley Says: Good song choice anyway, mini-me.
The Performance:
I guess when you want to turn a cutesy young girl into a manufactured pop princess, you send her straight to the reigning queen for advice. Miley’s already apparently been giving Katie fashion advice. I can’t tell if that’s a good thing. You can tell Katie’s pretty much never seen “Hannah Montana,” she has no clue what’s going on here. But hey, it’s a more contemporary song!

Her voice, weirdly, actually fits this song pretty solidly. Despite what the judges have said, her voice is actually twice her age, so instead of singing younger songs, she needs to be singing like she’s 30. Not 80 like she started off though. I’m not blown away or anything. She’s not Kelly Clarkson. But, for her, it was pretty spectacular.
The Judges Say: You listened to what we said, became our cookie cutter pop-princess, and it was great!
I Say: For where she she’s been the past few weeks, this was pretty amazing.
Score: +1
Change: +1

Casey James
The Song: “The Power of Love” Huey Lewis and the News
Miley Says: You lost me at the “I’m a fan of your dad.”
The Performance:
Billy Ray better watch out, because it might not be too long and Casey will be living in his basement. Miley’s advice? Make eye contact with the front row. Which is…like…the judges. Maybe he can make Kara flip out again. Or Randy. Ryan name drops Back to the Future in the intro, because he knows that people our age will appreciate it.

I have a hard time with Casey, because his singing is just mediocre enough to be passable, so that I don’t hate him necessarily, but he’s not great. But he’s by far the best guitar player this show has ever had, so that should be worth something if you’re trying to find a front man to win this show. The two things combined make him worth keeping around. Mad bonus points for bringing back the horn section, dressing them like the Blues Brothers and cutting them loose. They’re having an amazing time tonight.
The Judges Say: You’re going to be safe, but you’re going to have to do something more one of these weeks.
I Say: I really do respect what he brings to the table, but he does sound like an 80s cover band.
Score: +1
Chagne: +1

Didi Benami
The Song: “You’re No Good” by Betty Everett (by way of Linda Ronstadt)
Miley Says: I wish that I could do that with my voice.
The Performance:
Miley and Didi are actually kind of adorable together. I kind of wish Brooke had met Miley, then maybe the nervous breakdown could’ve been avoided. Ryan isn’t helping by calling her Didi Benini, but whatever. She really is the love child of Brooke White and Megan Joy. It’s kind of funny.

An actual cello hits the stage (ok, it‘s a bass). I love the band staging tonight. Everybody’s using them to their most awesome effect (except Crystal). This is actually pretty fantastic. It’s not a recording-level performance, and she loses her weird voice in the power notes, but when she’s just singing straight? I love the way her voice sounds in those parts.
The Judges Say: Perhaps, it is you that is no good.
I Say: I do think she lost her cool-factor when she hit the chorus, but her voice actually is really nice in the runs.
Score: +/- 0
Change: +/- 0

Siobhan Magnus
The Song: “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder
Miley Says: OMG! It’s Siobhan, I’m, like, her biggest fan! Can I have her autograph?!
The Performance:
Dig Siobhan showing up to the studio dressed in literally everything in her closet and calling herself “weird.” She has the nerd voting on lockdown. She and Miley geek out together, and suddenly Didi’s lost her only friend. Aw. I have no idea what Siobhan’s wearing for this performance though. A Faux-hawk, half vest, a giant flower and a shirt made out of doilies. Sure. Whatever.

I have no idea if she forgot the words or whatever, but she lets out one of her screams again, so it’s all forgiven. Really, this was pretty fun. Randy is right (?!) because she comes out with such conviction that sort of makes you forget what a huge nerd she is outside of the competition. Simon is all, “You know what? Fuck your screaming and everything, tonight sucked and I’m in love with Crystal.” Fuck you, Simon.
The Judges Say: You are the clear favorite to finish second in this competition.
I Say: She’s great, and I love her weirdness, but yeah, probably second.
Score:+3
Change: +1

Bottom Three: Paige Miles, Tim Urban, Didi Benami

Another week, and another whole room full of targets. I think Crystal and Siobhan are the only ones who are absolutely safe. A few people are probably good. Katie did well enough, and Aaron, Mike and Casey are probably safe, so that limits our options of people who did poorly enough to get sent home.

Didi was pretty unfairly trashed, I think, but people pick up on that, and she doesn’t have the kind of sound that spurs much voting at this stage of the competition. I think she’s in the bottom three, but probably safe, because hers were the least egregious errors. Tim’s probably also safe, because he’s got this year’s “Cute Boy Who Is Terrible” syndrome that will keep the tween girls texting until he’s in the top seven.

Which is fine with me, because Paige was epically bad this week. And not on the Sanjaya level, where bad at least meant “Batshit insane” but on the level where she was a terrible singer. If she doesn’t go home and one of the other “bad” people does, fine. But I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Prediction: Paige Miles

YouTube Monday: This Is Not What I had in Mind

March 23, 2010 YouTube No comments

I was going to post a video of Lady Gaga’s Telephone video, given YouTube Tuesday’s commentary about her, and the video’s general “What the fuck”ness. But, of course, the video that was on the site was “leaked” and it’s been striken from YouTube. So unless you want to see a bunch of fat men reinacting the video (which to be fair is about as YouTube as you can get), I guess we’ll ahve to wait on that.

So instead, here’s a bunch of old British dudes pulling an owl around on a skateboard.

What the fuck? I don’t know. Shut up.

Hock Show Weekend top Five from March 14th – 20th, 2010

March 23, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Social Media Is Finally Acceptable. I have a Twitter account. I like it ok, but I don’t really use it for anything but for e-stalking celebrities. Why yes, I do want to know what Hayley Williams just had for breakfast. Pancakes? That’s fantastic! But Jonah Peretti (@peretti) is using Twitter to write a Choose Your Own Adventure novel, where you can choose options within his Tweets. Finally, it’s useful.

2. The Government Is Like Oprah Now. You get Health Care! You get Health Care! Soon they’re going to be passing laws on what books to read and we’ll all end up staring in a Nicolas Sparks movie. Seriously though, it’s obviously awesome news for the millions of people who don’t have medical insurance right now. It’s still a weird bill that’s going to be the source of arguement for decades to come, whether it works or not.

3. Conan Cannot Appear on TV. Even for Charity. Conan O’Brien was set to make a sort of cheeky appearance on Fox (a potential landing spot for him when his 6-month No Compete clause ends) on the Idol Gives Back episode of American Idol. But NBC won’t even let him shill for charity. Which is well within their rights, of course, but you’re kind of the jerks in this feud, and that’s not really helping.

4. Not a Good Week to Be a Oscar Winning Actress. Kate Winslet split with her husband and immediately took off on a yacht to reinact Titanic or something, and Sandra Bullock and Jesse James split after it was revealed that Jesse had been cheating on her for months with a weird looking overly tattooed pin-up model. I’m not exactly a big fan of Sandra Bullock, but…that’s not really a step up there, Jesse.

5. Somebody Dated Lady Gaga. Robert Fusari, a New Jersey based record producer and former boyfriend (really?) of Lady Gaga is suing her for $30 million for unpaid royalties from the production of the “Lady Gaga” image which has put her on the pop landscape, like a scary, but infectious boil. He’s an idiot, of course, and doesn’t deserve a dime of her ill-gotten gains.

RAW Satire for 3/15/10

March 19, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: John Cena wrestled in the best match Vince McMahon has had in about 150 years. The Undertaker is still making his entrance. And Chrissssssssss Angel gave RAW away, to who? Let’s find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Why, it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin, of course! You would know that if you’d read the Satire last week, you jerk

Stone Cold Steve Austin: If you remember ol’ Stone Cold, give me a Hell Yeah!

Crowd: Look, it’s Val Venis!

Austin: Somebody give me a beer, it’s going to be a long night. Anyway, I wrestled against Bret Hart once and I basically passed out. But in my defense, that was pre-Mines of Moria and pre-Genie pants. So he was actually pretty ok, back then. And I’ve wrestled Vince plenty of times. Though “wrestled” is probably too generous a term for what we did. “Punched and threw chairs at each other for twenty minutes” takes too long to say. But…I just did anyway. I hate this show. And that’s the Bottom Line because Stone Cold Said So!

John Cena vs. The Big Show

You can tell, Austin wants to beat the hell out of Cena, but he just doesn’t have it in him any more. So he just kind of rolls his eyes and wanders out of the ring. It’s kind of sad to see Steve like this, to be honest. He and Show trade looks like, “I knooooow” as Austin leaves. This is a Wrestlemania Rewind. Do you remember when they fought at that one Wrestlemania, and Cena won? No? Well…whatever. I was kind of hoping they’d bring the cardboard cutouts of Fabolous and Jay-Z back tonight.

(ads)

I can’t be the only one that remembers that, right? With the amazing commentary from Coach and Lita? I miss John Cena. What ever happen to that guy? Big Show is taking a relaxing snooze on top of Cena’s back when we return. That’s sweet. Cena starts to get in some offense, but is ultimately shut down by the music of “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” Come on, John, you’ve heard music before. Dave is actually out now, and he’s still pretty upset. Don’t worry, maybe you can film Wrong Side of Town 2 with Hollywood star and WWE Hall of Famer Ted DiBiase! Cena hasn’t been paying attention for the past half hour or whatever, so Big Show just punches him for the win. Illegal! Illegal!

(ads)

Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus

Shouldn’t this match be happening on the other channel? Oh well. Sheamus grabs a microphone and beans Evan in the head with it. You know, I don’t remember this match from a Wrestlemania past. Maybe it happened on Internet Heat. Does that count? Sheamus rambles for a little bit about how much he hates the fact that he’s jobbing to Triple H at Wrestlemania. But, as he says, “It’s better than being off the show like half the people on this roster.” Good point. I’d job to Hunter for half of what Sheamus is going to make!

Backstage….

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Why do I have an office? That’s not very anti-authority of me.

Shawn Michaels: Steve! Can you retire me again? Come on, it’ll be just like old times! Then I won’t even have to fight The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. It’s a win win situation. What do you say?

Austin: Well…what’s in it for me?

Shawn: You can have this nice gold watch I got for retiring Ric Flair for a couple years.

Austin: The last watch I had talked to me. In Spanish. And that day I vowed never to own another watch again. So no.

Shawn: A pair of mirror chaps?

Austin: I prefer to ride chapsless.

Shawn: That’s honestly kind of gross.

Chris Jericho: Hey guys, what’s going on? Backstage segment? Cool, cool.

Shawn: Can you get it through your thick skull which damn show you’re supposed to be on?!

Jericho: Shawn, you and I are wrestling each other tonight. Didn’t you see the posting on WWE.com?

Shawn: You know I don’t read the Internets! Ugh. I’ve got to go find somewhere dark to cry. If you see Undertaker, tell him to come find me and break my legs or something.

Tough Enough Jessie: I can do that for you!

Austin: Tough Enough Jessie?! You little scamp! You still backstage producing around here?

T.E. Jessie: No! I got fired! Like twelve times! Thanks for reminding me! WAAAAAH!

Austin: Heh. That girl hasn’t changed.

Jericho: So…want to drink a beer and talk about cows?

Austin: Get the hell out of my office before I cave your face in with…my face.

Jericho: Ok. Good talk!

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse

Which Wrestlemania was this at? 12? I hated that one. I don’t think this is for the WWE Diva’s Title, but Justin Roberts isn’t really helping me out much in that regard. Maurice call! Vintage Michael Cole! Between that and his calling of NXT it’s no wonder so many people in that locker room want to punch him in the face. Maurice hits Kelly with a DDT for the win. After the match, Gail Kim and Eve Torres come out to check on Kelly to see if either of them could supplant her as prettiest girl now that Maria is gone. Here’s Michelle McCool and Layla El to attack them though. Wait…what?! You know what? It’s a girls match, I’m not going to expend much time thinking about why the hell they’re out here. Then, for some reason, Vickie Guerrero shows up. Um…You know what? Sure. Why not?

(ads)

Shaw-

(ads)

Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

I hope this match is worth that extra ad break, show. I really do. Shawn is a house afire to start. I almost just wrote a “horse afire” which he might be as well. Whatever. It’s better than being a hoss afire. Or, God forbid, a Haas afire. It doesn’t take long for Jericho to take over though, and Shawn really shows Undertaker what he’s made of by rolling up into a ball in the corner and letting Jericho slap him. Really, it’s a brilliant plan because there’s no way Undertaker is going to lose to this guy. Jericho’s all tuckered out by the six minute mark and bails on the rest of the match, however. Michaels wins! He’s beside himself with grief! What if that happens at Wrestlemania?! Edge with a Spear out of nowhere for Jericho, because this is Smackdown, apparently.

Edge: Can a girl get a salad here?

(ads)

Hey, Austin’s in a new movie called “Damage!” Maybe Thetista can get in on some of that! Especially since literally nobody else is in that movie!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I have to ask, what do you think my chances are for getting on the face Divas team for Wrestlemania?

Randy Orton: Diggers, Jacque? All I want to talks about is Triopoly H and my intending feud with the Lemony.

Mathews: Ok, then answer me this, how are you going to justify beating the crap out of two younger guys and probably ruining the careers of WWE Hall of Famer Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes. Not that you should feel bad about ruining the career of Cody Rhodes.

Orton: Well, I am Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the NXT Girl’s Chocolatechip.

Mathews: Never mind, I need to go find Kelly Kelly Kelly.

Elsewhere, Hunter is wandering around. Maybe he’s looking for a decent Wrestlemania match!

(ads)

Triple vs. Randy Orton

Remember when Orton beat up Stephanie and Hunter went crazy and throw Orton’s TV out the window and menaced his fake wife? Apparently neither of these two guys do, which is really too bad. Because that feud was hilarious. They do apparently remember the million other times they’ve feuded before, however, because this match is kind of exactly like the billion other ones they’ve had. If they were going to do a Wrestlemania rewind, they really should’ve brought Warrior in for this. Maybe they could’ve had Sable come back too! Heh. No. Sorry, what was I talking about again? This match? Ugh.

(ads)

Hunter has the CHINLOCK~! on Orton now. SHOCKING SWERVE~! Actually, Randy hasn’t locked one in all match. I’m either impressed by the range of his skills thus far, or depressed because that’s the one move that he actually does well. Orton’s getting boos now, because the crowd looooooooves Triple H. And because they realize that Orton is a terrible face. And because he hasn’t done a CHINLOCK~! all match. Hunter goes for the PEDIGREE TO ORTON (ok, I’ve missed that), but The Lemony punch him off. This is the most confusing feud ever. EVER! Then they start beating the crap out of Orton. Ok. Whatever. Sheamus in with the Bicycle Kick (the Finisher of Champions!) to Hunter! Remember Sheamus? No? Him neither.

Backstage, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” is enjoying a nice relaxing coloring book.

(ads)

New in the WWE Hall of Fame? Gorgeous George. Randy Savage’s ex-girlfriend? Really? What did she do to deserve that? She wasn’t even Miss Madness! Between her, Ted DiBiase, and Magnum Tokyo, this is the worst Hall of Fame class yet.

Kofi Johnston vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Ok, now I know this match never happened at Wrestlemania. Kofi’s just some jobber. Dave would never stand for wrestling some jobber at Wrestlemania. He did wrestle some guy named Dwayne one time though. What kind of name is that? Kofi is Shelton to start, which is not exactly helping his case. What is helping his case? The fact that one of his kicks smacks Dave in the side of the head and draws blood. This is TV-PG, Kofi! You rebel, you! Dave is the TV-PG Enforcer, so he’s really pissed about it. OSPREY BOMB TO KOFI~! Thetista wins! He celebrates by punching some dude in the audience.

(ads)

It’s everybody’s favorite time! Contract signing!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Oh man, you guys, I haven’t been on this show at all tonight! To be honest, I accidentally locked myself out of my office, so I’ve just been sitting in a dark corner with Shawn Michaels and drinking. In fact, I accidentally sold RAW to Pete Rose for a case of Bud Light. I would say that I was really depressed about that but…it was a pretty good deal if you think about it.

Vince McMahon: Can we sign this thing so I can get home? I’ve got to figure out which NXT guy I’m going to fire first.

Austin: First, will you reconsider letting Stu Hart into the Hall of Fame? Otherwise this year’s class is going to be pretty friggin’ terrible.

Vince: Whatever. I don’t care. Stu Hart’s in the Hall of Fame, sure. Pete Rose is in the Hall of Fame. It’s not like it’s some exclusive club or whatever. Now just sign the damn contract and let me get out of here?

Bret Hart: What’s the rush? We haven’t even gotten to the witty banter portion of the contract signing yet! Vince you are ugly and have bad hair!

Vince: I just want to get out of here before I get Stunnered and have a beer poured on my hair. I have a hot date tonight!

Austin: Am I that predictable?

Vince: Yes.

Hart: Yeah, pretty much. So, what are you thinking? Some random person broke my leg and I’m super totally injured. Like I can’t move.

Austin: Tough Enough Jessie broke your leg? That’s kind of awesome!

Vince: I don’t know who that is.

Tough Enough Jessie: I was your hot date tonight! I’m going to break all your legs! WAAAAAAH!

Bret: No Holds Barred?

Vince: Ugh. Don’t remind me. That was a horrible movie.

Bret: I meant the match.

Vince: That was a horrible match too! Zeus wasn’t even a real fake wrestler!

Bret: Um…I…OUR MATCH!

Vince: Oh. Sure.

Both guys sign the contract.

Austin: And that’s signing on the bottom line ‘cuz Stone Cold Said So! Now I’m going to take my ass home. Hell Yeah!

Vince: I’m going to regret every single moment of this feud aren’t I?

Bret: Hey, guess what? I’m pretty much insane, and I was never hurt at all. This cast just goes well with my horrible leather jacket! So, I guess I’m going to be able to slowly beat you down without hindrance!

T.E. Jessie: I can’t even ruin Bret Hart correctly! WAAAAAAH!

Vince: But…I…I don’t understand a single moment of any of this.

Then Bret throws the table at Vince. Not bad for a stroke victim, I have to say. Or for a topless genie!

Next Week: Pete Rose tempts fate by having his office in the boiler room. Shawn Michaels begs Kofi Johnson to kick him in the head until his career ends. And Bret Hart accidentally breaks his other leg.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Shadowfang Keep

March 18, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

The Wizard Aragul was tired of Tirisfal being overrun by Scourge zombies, and by the wizards in Dalaran just falling over and dying about it. So he opened up a portal to another dimension to get help. As anyone who knows anything about Warcraft and portals to other dimensions, things didn’t turn out well.

Instead of help killing the scourge, Aragul got a huge army of rabid werewolves who, in his defense, did indeed start driving out the Scourge. And anything ese. Rather than mope around about it, Aragul just declared himself king of the werewolves and took over a fortress so that they could play fetch in private.

Well, until you go in there and ruin his fun.

Degree of Difficulty: Medium

Shadowfang Keep is pretty linear, and not a difficult instance per se. The thing that most people have difficulty with in this instance is all the trash. And there is a lot of it. The halls are packed end to end with Worgen, and they all hit decently hard for their level. Additionally there are a few non-aggressive elites that AoE can accidentally cause to attack.

As for the bosses? A well put together group shouldn’t have any trouble with them. They might take you a little while to get the hang of, but overall they’re not particularily difficult or out of the realm of possibility, even for characters that are just inside of the level requirement for SFK.

Bosses:

Rethilgore: He’s actually one of the tougher bosses in the instance. He’s got plenty of HP and he’s got a Drain Life ability that will knock a player out of combat for a few seconds.

Razorclaw the Butcher: Simple tank and spank fight, that is only made a smidge more difficult in that he has a patrol that will sometimes (but not always) pull with him, and whom you can remove seperate from him.

Odo the Blindwatcher: Wasn’t he on Deep Space Nine? Anyway, tough, insofar as he has a pair of bat mobs that will always pull with him (but are easy to kill), and he has a rage timer that can make healing in later rounds of combat more difficult.

Baron Silverlaine: He’s a ghost. He has a debuff that will absorb 75% of healing on a target, which can really suck for your tank and might mean the end of the group if you don’t recover quickly. Other than that, he’s kind of weak.

Commander Springvale: Hillarious palladin abilities! Hammer of Justice! Holy Light! A Bubble! This can get annoying, but he’s not really difficult unless you get hit with a silence.

Fenrus the Devourer: He is just a regular dog with a bunch of health. There are a few void walker adds that hit in a scripted event with Arugal before the fight.

Verdan the Everliving: Grasping Vines kind of sucks, as it’ll knock a player or two out of combat for a few seconds, and he hits ridiculously hard for a level 20 mob.

Wolf Master Nandos: He’s got some Worgs that you have to beat back before (and during) your battle with him, which artificially extends the battle with him. Otherwise he’s not difficult.

Archmage Arugal: Surprisingly powerful. He has a lot of abilities that can hamper you. A teleport combined with a ranged attack that does good damage. A stun. High yield melee attacks. A mind control. This is really a challenge to see if your healer can heal through the first stages of the fight until he can be taken down.

Special Features:

During the “Love Is in the Air” holiday event, three level 80 bosses are added to the instances. They had a fun mechanic where you had to swap out potions to prevent yourself from getting hit with AoE. Also, there will be in a Heroic version of this instance some time after Cataclysm drops.

Recommended for Levels: 16-24

Sort of more of a marathon than a challenging instance, Shadowfang keep does have some really great boss fights. Arugal, for example, is a pretty awesome encounter for low level characters in learning to handle bosses with multiple abilities. It’s also a great instance to practice crowd control with all the mobs packed in here. The drops are pretty mediocre, but as starter instances go, it’s a good test of your endurance.

« Older Entries