Last Week: Just about everybody got swallowed by a volcano, except for Triple H. So then some dudes from that other show (no, not NXT) decided to be on a show that people actually bothered watching. And everybody else (no, not NXT) got fired. Who will get fired…TONIGHT!

I’m not sure about how I feel about this draft being extended over three days. All I know is that RAW better take a running back or I’m writing as strongly worded e-ma-Oh. That’s the NFL Draft? Well what the hell is this, then?

(Opening Credits)

Hey! Matt Striker for no discernable reason. He’s the Mel Kiper of the WWE, folks! I guess? Anyway, in the ring is ShowMiz and they don’t look happy. Maybe they’ll tell us what happened in that volcano though.

The Miz: I know what you’re thinking, but no, we won’t tell you what happened in that volcano. We here in the WWE Cosmos have an old saying that goes “What happened in the volcano, stays in the volcano.”

The Big Show: I’m pretty sure that’s not an old saying.

Miz: Sure it is! I say it all the time.

Show: Why would you ever say that? Except in the off chance that we happened to get trapped in a volcano.

Miz: Which happened.

Show: Oh shut up. I just want to hear Bret Hart call us the greatest tag team of all time. Bret?

Bret Hart: ShowMiz is the greatest tag team of all time. In the same way that Dean Douglas is the greatest Intercontinental champion of all time. Or Shawn Michaels was a great WWE Champion.

Miz: Hey! Shawn was a gre-

Hart: NO HE WASN’T!

ShowMiz vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya and Bret Hart)
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

Tyson Kidd opens the match by almost breaking his neck trying to do an Indie reversal sequence with Miz. I’m not sure, but I think That’s His Move. Tyson then attempts to invent a taunt for the next Smackdown vs. RAW game by looking at his wrist for a half hour while The Canadian Bulldog wrestles. Big Show has spent the entire match so far trying to stare at Natalya’s Natalyas. Striker claims that Big Show has the best intangibles in the WWE, but his 40 time is pretty bad. He projects as a fat beardy guy at the next level.

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Miz has the CHINLOCK~! locked in coming out of the break. Randy Orton has truly spawned a new generation of WWE Superstars. Not to be confused with the TV show WWE Superstars, which hasn’t spawned anything of note. Bret gets into the world’s slowest shoving match with Miz while Striker complains that the Hart Dynasty is a reach here at the top of the show. Kidd locks in the Sharpshooter for the win. There are new tag team champions! Did Big Show even wrestle in this match? As if to answer that very question, Show finally wakes up and pins Lawler

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Big Show beat the hell out of Miz during the break. Somewhere, John Morrison is nodding his head. So wait, did nobody get a draft pick out of that. I just checked WWE.com, and apparently NXT drafted Tony Chimel. Good solid pick there. He can lead the brand for the next ten years. Anyway, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Jack Swagger.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m sanding by with Jack Swagger, and Jack I’ve got to ask you how in the hell are you still World Champion?

Jack Swagger: Funny story, Josh. Turns out that I was contractually allowed one comedy win over Randy Orton. So I used it last night, it was pretty cool.

Edge: Well you know what? I’m the new number one contender, and you’d better hope that you get drafted over to RAW, because otherwise I‘m going to beat the hell out of you!

Swagger: Wait, am I not on the RAW roster?

Mathews: I don’t know. I stopped paying attention, like, five months ago.

Michelle McCoo-

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Michelle McCool and Layla El (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Eve Torres and Maryse

Damn you, show! A Divas match is not worth this wait. The crowd is chanting “We Want Mickey.” As interesting as that would be, I think he’s still property of Disney. Maybe as one of RAW’s owners, but as PG as RAW has gotten lately, I don’t think they’re going to lease out Mickey Mouse to the idea…of…oh. Mickie James. Yeah, I think she got fired, y’all. Maybe next time she’ll listen when Jim Ross calls her a fattie. I’m still in awe that Eve Torres has anything to do with any of this, much less is the Divas champion. Matt Striker manages to make fun of everybody who got fired and Joey Styles in about three seconds. McCool hits Maryse with a bicycle kick (the Finisher of Champions!) for the win. Draft time!

Michelle McCool: Big bucks! No whammies! Ooh, a handbag! And STOP!

On Kelly Kelly Kelly!

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Noooooooooooo!

Man, sucks for her. I’m going to miss you, Kelly. We’ll always have…um…we’ll always have…well…We won’t have anything. Sorry. Now, our draft expert Melina.

RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: OH MY GOD! I CAN’T BELIEVE SOMEBODY GOT DRAFTED! IT’S LIKE A WHOLE DIFFERENT SHOW!

Backstage, the Straight Edge Society is not doing drugs or drinking alcohol.

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Evan Bourne vs. CM Punk (w/ Serena and Luke Gallows)

Evan Bourne still exists?! Even he looks just as surprised about this fact. So what show is he representing? NXT? Striker can’t help himself but talk up Kelly Kelly Kelly’s vertical. But she needs to work on her conditioning. I know. Those split ends, girl! Luke Gallows jumps onto the apron while a mysterious masked man named Moey Jercury trips Bourne up. It’s been so long since we’ve had a mystery wrestler! I’ve missed it. Punk with the GTS and the win.

CM Punk: Ok. I want a Whammy. Gimmie a goddamn Whammy! And STOP!

On The Big Show. He wasn’t on Smackdown?

Punk: YES! Whammy!

The Big Show: I cannot tell a lie. You’re probably going to job to me.

RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: BIG SHOW IS BIG AND FAT!

Hey, look, it’s Sheamus! I hope he gets drafted to Superstars!

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Backstage…..

Teddy Long: Holla Holla, playa! With Vince not bothering to show up anymore and RAW being held by brokerage firm while we wait for somebody to buy it, I’m the most powerful man in the WWE! I’m firing everybody!

Kung Funaki: Teddy! Good thing I found you, I was-

Long: Fired, dawg!

Jimmy Wang Yang: That’s rac-

Long: Fired!

Slam Master J: Can I just go to FCW?

Long: No! Fired!

The Big Show: Hey, Teddy. Guess I’m on Smackdown now.

Teddy Long: Fired, playa!

Show: Do you want me to eat you?

Long: Uh…hahaha…Did I say “fired?” I meant…Fryered! Get this man some chicken wings!

Katie Lea Burchill: Right!

Long: And then you’re fired!

Sheamus has finally made it to the ring. What the hell was he doing back there? I’m going to put my money on “watching Dancing with the Stars”.

Sheamus: That Erin Andrews, you guys. Whew. So anyway, I don’t know if you were paying attention last night, but I got out of that volcano and the first thing I did was beat Triple H into a WWE Film with this lead pipe. It’s the lowlight of his career. So, you all have me to thank for Hunter not showing up for the next couple weeks anyway.

Randy Orton: Shameless! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the PGA Girl’s Chocolatechip! And I am asheamus of you! I would neverer attack Triopoly H from behind like that!

Sheamus: You’re kidding, right? You attacked Hunter from behind all the time! You even DDTed his wife once just to piss him off.

Orton: Well-

Sheamus: And lest we forget all the times you arranged The Lemony to be in on sneak attacks so you didn’t have to get your hands dirty.

Orton: I don’t deal with loofas like you!

John Cena: Guys! Guys! Being in that volcano was crazy! Right? But here’s the thing: I’m not going to feud with either one of you. You’re both stupid heads who have no business contending for this Spinnin’ World Title. The most prestigious spinnin’ title in the world today!

Sheamus: Don’t come out here and interrupt our promo!

Orton: Yeah, why do you always have to intercept yourself in my bigness?

Cena: Mike Mayock called and he thinks the Raiders wouldn’t even draft you guys.

Sheamus: My forty time just isn’t good enough!

Orton: I’m not enough of a thug addict!

Sheamus starts to nod off and he almost falls over, but then he bails. Orton looks depressed. He almost won!

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Kane, Rey Misterio, Drew McIntyre, Shad Gaspard and R-Truth vs. Yoshi Tatsu, Montel Vontavious Porter, Mark Henry, Ted DiBiase and Santino Marella
In a 5 vs. 5 Battle Royal…Thing

The rules of this are almost, but not quite, as convoluted as a TNA Battle Royal. I am not, of course, talking about one of TNA’s reverse battle royals, which are plain ridiculous. When the Smackdown guys came out, I was all prepared to say “Shad? Really? That’s the guy you want representing your brand right now?” But then RAW shipped out Yoshi Tatsu, who may never have even appeared on the show, and Santino. It’s a battle of who wants it least!

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Some people got eliminated while I wasn’t paying attention there, which basically accounts for the entire match. I think Yoshi and the British guy. Matt Striker can’t help himself but compare Henry to a young Jared Lorenzen. Pretty shortly after the break, Rey is the only guy left from Smackdown against Santino and DiBiase. And…you know what? The edge is still probably Rey’s here. But then Rey jumps over the top rope to go hug some children and Smackdown loses again. On the plus side, I’m sure they won’t lose anybody important. Ted beats the hell out of Santino just for the fun of it

Ted DiBiase: No Whammies! No Whammies! And STOP!

John Morrison and a spin!

DiBiase: Ugh. Can I pass?

Matt Striker: No.

DiBiase: Ok. Fine. I want a trip to Aruba! Come on Aruba! I’ve always wondered where in the hell that is! And STOP!

On R-Truth and a Spin!

DiBiase: AGH! PASS!

Striker: You can’t pass, Ted.

DiBiase: Aw come on. Isn’t he dead?

Striker: He got better.

DiBiase: Ok. No Whammies. Big bucks and…STOP!

On…Edge?

DiBiase: I’m never going to appear on this show again, am I?

RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: THAT WAS THREE GUYS I DONT GET IT!

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Chris Jericho vs. Chris Tian (w/ Heath Slater)

Jericho gets on the mic before the match and calls out Slater, who apparently beat him last week on NXT. Did that really happen? Because that’s hilarious. Never missing his cue, Michael Cole uses this as an opportunity to make fun of Daniel Bryan. Striker says that Bryan lost a lot of support by choosing not to run at his Pro Day. Well, no, you shouldn’t run in the Real World house. Everybody knows that. Slater manages to not sound like a total buffoon on the mic and push Jericho out of the ring. Sadly, the Battle Royal was last segment, so NXT doesn’t get a draft pick.

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Seriously, though, I was hoping NXT was going to get something tonight. Remember how ECW managed to get Tommy Dreamer every year, despite the fact that he was already on their roster? Well, Darren Young could be NXT’s Tommy Dreamer. Like, ten years ago, this would’ve been the hottest match on the card. Heath Slater is no Trish Stratus. Where’s Wade Barrett anyway? Still stuck in that volcano? Damn. There’s about eight minutes of these guys hitting all their moves (Those Were Their Moves!) until Jericho finishes it with a Codebreaker.

Chris Jericho: You mean Smackdown gets a draft pick other than Kelly Kelly Kelly? Who is it?! Big Bucks…No Whammies and STOP!

Kofi Johnston: I am Shelton!

Teddy Long: FIRED!

Jericho: Aw, what a waste of a draft pick!

RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: NO IDEA WHO THAT IS LOL

Backstage, John Morrison is walking in slow motion while Jack Swagger is eating a grape. Riveting television.

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Jack Swagger vs. John Morrison

I’m not even sure what’s going on in this match. Apparently, despite the confusion earlier tonight, Swagger is actually representing Smackdown. And here I thought maybe he’d be giving it up for AM RAW or something. Is AM RAW a show still? It is! And it’s outdrawing TNA at 2 a.m.! Hell, I’d consider it an honor to be representing AM RAW at the draft. Or…uh…AM NXT. Apparently, these two are sort of feuding, but not really. Striker likes Swagger, but worries that he might have character issues. Just like everybody else on this show!

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Why did Morrison stop bedazzling his abs? That was pretty much the only thing he had going for him. Morrison, according to Striker, is a blue-chip guy who can make all the throws. That’s actually pretty much the nicest thing an announcer has said about a wrestler in this company in about ten years. Morrison does a backflip out of nowhere for no reason at all, and Striker downgrades him to “has a high motor.” Uh-oh! The death knell for a career! Swagger with his move (that’s his move!) for the win. Smackdown’s on a roll! Sort of!

Swagger: Nobody good! Nobody good! And STOP!

On Chris Tian!

Swagger: What is this? The ECW Roster circa 2008?

RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: HI JOHN IM ON THE INTERENT!!

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And now: Whatever the hell this is.

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome to America’s Next Top Virgil! The show where we find out who the next Virgil will be. And I find out who the first Virgil was!

Ted DiBiase: Thanks, Ryan. Now, Carlito, tell me why you should be the next Virgil.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: I’m cool. And stuff. And when I go places nobody knows who I am. And I only own one basketball jersey.

DiBiase: Gonzaga?

Carlito: No, it’s Kent State. But whatever. I’m also better looking than Cody Rhodes.

Kara DioGuardi: Carlito, I just didn’t think you owned it up there. When we saw Virgil, you could just tell, he was Virgil. You know? You’re just not Virgil up there.

Ellen DeGeneres: I haven’t been a Virgil for about forty years. Am I right people? Ha!

Randy Jackson: Dawg. That was pitchy.

Carlito: That advice doesn’t even apply here.

DiBiase: NEXT! You! Why do you think you’d be the next top Virgil.

R-Truth: What’s UP? What’s up?! That’s racist!

Ellen: You know what’s up? The sky! That’s what’s up! It’s the sky.

Kara: Truth, will you take off your shirt for me?

Randy: Yooooo…dawg! That was hot right there.

DiBiase: NEXT!

Virgil: Hey…I still think I have what it takes to be the next top Virgil….

DiBiase: Uh…sorry. Position’s closed.

Virgil: But the show-

DiBiase: I’m reforming X-Factor with A-Train and Justin Credible instead.

Virgil: But I have nothing better to-

DiBiase: BEEP! Oh, sorry, we’re all out of time!

Virgil: Can I at least sing “Pants on the Ground?”

Ellen: The last time I heard that was at my Nan’s birthday party. And that was “Depends on the Ground!” Just kidding. I love you, Nan.

Kara: Shut up, Ellen.

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Dolph Ziggler vs. Hornswoggle

Really? They’re staking a draft pick on this? Oook. Gotta love Hornswoggle still repping the DX gear. It took him so long to get let into the club, nobody has the heart to tell him that Shawn Michaels left a frigging month ago. Dolph spends the entire match standing outside the ring arguing with Striker about whether or not he has “deceptive speed in the pocket.” I don’t want to know what that means. Anyway, Hornswoggle wins by count out. Yay! Dolph gets so pissed off about this that he puts Horny in a sleeper. Is it time for this decade’s sleeper angle already?! Geez! I wasn’t even prepared!

Jerry “” Lawler: Since Hornswoggle just died, it’s up to me to draft for RAW. Big bucks! Lingerie shopping spree! PUPPIES PUPPIES!

And STOP! On…Chris Jericho? Hahahahahaha!

Chris Jericho: Remember when I lost that match a couple months back saying that I could never appear on RAW again for the rest of my career? Welp.

RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: I DONT GET IT WHATS A DRAFT LOL! >_<

Backstage, Randy Orton and Sheamus look bored out of their minds. It’s been a long night, you guys.

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I want to be in the MATCH!

John Cena: Well…I’m as close as RAW has to a general manager this week, so…sure. Whatever.

Teddy Long: Uh…Playa….

Cena: Shut up, Teddy.

Long: I heard that.

Cena: Aren’t you quitting, Dave?

Batista: Not right NOW!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Sheamus vs. Randy Orton
For the #1 Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Dave bails on the match five seconds in. I know he wants to quit to pursue his “acting” “career,” and Wrong Side of Town 2: Roach Rancher isn’t going to film itself, but come on. This is pretty much the high point of your life, dude. It’s all down hill from here. Just ask Rob Van Dam. Ugh. That poor guy. Dave gets back into the ring and proceeds to flail around like he’s having a seizure. ACTING~! But then he actually takes over the match and he starts wailing on Sheamus and Orton. Batista going for the OSPREY BO-

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Um. Ok? Striker says that Batista has all the tools, except for a screwdriver. Isn’t the draft over? RAW won. Lawler has the gall to say that Dave has a bright future in WWE. Which even Michael Cole knows is not exactly true. Then striker says that Sheamus has great hips, and things get kind of weird for a minute. I’m not saying it’s not true, I’m just saying that it’s not something you say during a wrestling show. Sheamus hits a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!), but then he gets distracted by his own blinding whiteness. Long enough for Edge to come in and Spear Orton. I have no idea if that constitutes a heel turn. Dave manages to put his hand on Orton’s face for the win. They’re really milking ol’ Thetista for all he’s worth.

Next Week: America’s Next Top Virgil Continues with the shocking return of Shawn Michaels. Also, RAW apparently has literally every wrestler on the roster, except people who used to be in ECW. And The Batista Retirement Tour continues when Dave beats John Cena cleanly for no reason.

Last Week: There were about ten billion Daves, which was ten billion too many. Also, they were in England so you know what that means! The return of British Superstar The Superfluuous Uu! And The Hoff was the greatest owner of all time. Perhaps until…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hahaha! Nothing will stop Monday Night RAW!

In Iceland….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Hey, guys! Look at that volcano!

Volcano: Hahahaha! Screw you!

John Cena: Holy crap! A talking volcano!

Randy Orton: That’s impenetrable! There’s no such spring as a walking vulcanope!

And then the plane disappears.

(Smackdown Credits)

Whaaaaaat? No. No, I refuse! I am not recapping…whatever the hell this is. Of course, Michael Cole is there, because even the Volcano Gods (Vulcan, Lugh, Pele, and Tough Enough Jessie) hate me. Appearing in a cloud of smoke is Lillian Garcia, back from the dead it seems. Unfortunately. Ok, fine. I missed you, Lillian lay an introduction on us!

Lillian Garcia: And now, here’s This Guy!

Thanks.

Triple H: I guess I’m the only guy left. Yeah, I don’t know if you heard, but the plane carrying the entire RAW roster was swallowed by a talking volcano earlier today. It was all over Twitter. It was even a Trending Topic for, like, ten minutes.

Lillian: I thought you didn’t know what Twitter was.

HHH: You died. Shut up. Anyway, I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m not responsible for the volcano. That’s just silly talk. But how did I manage not to get caught up in the attack? Simple. I don’t do European tours anymore. I mean seriously, you guys? Flying twelve billion hours just to drive on the wrong side of the road and eat greasy, horrible food? Please. Hell, you’re lucky you can get me into Canada these days.

Lillian: Couldn’t you just teleport with the Stacker 2 Bees?

HHH: Lillian, shut up. First of all, there’s no sense pointing out ten year old continuity on this show, secondly, that’s really a short range thing, and thirdly, the last time I tried that I blew out my quad. Again. So, no. I don’t think I’m going to be teleporting over to Europe via bee any time soon. But, yeah. So…we don’t have anybody else any more. It’s just you and me for two hours. I swear I didn’t have anything to do with planning this! But pretty sweet, huh? Let’s book this show. What, are you going to watch Hogan? Ha! So, we’re going to spend quarter hour one organizing my CDs, and then I’m going to go ahead and make myself a sandwich. That’ll be pretty awesome. I bought a big pack of turkey, and I can’t wait to dig in. Then, I plan to nap through the rest of hour one, so you can probably turn on baseball or whatever. After I wake-

CM Punk: Hey, what’s going on? Are we having a TV show?

HHH: You! What are you doing here?! You’re supposed to be on Smackdown! Do you know what night it is?!

Punk: Yeah. Well, we didn’t get swallowed up by a volcano, so we figured we’d just show up here tonight. Though, to be honest, I’d kind of rather be trapped in a volcano than be in New Jersey, you know what I mean?

Luke Gallows: I hear that, boss.

Punk: Shut up, Festus.

HHH: I can’t believe Festus still has a job! And is that Molly Holly? Nice!

Serena: Um…Sure.

HHH: Well…I didn’t really want to share the show tonight with anybody, but we’ve already got Lillian out here, so that screws that plan. All right, let’s all dive in. Punk you sort through my Sarah McLaughlin stuff. Festus, Molly, if you could get started on the As through Ds?

Punk: Actually, we were going to come out here and not do drugs or drink alcohol.

HHH: That’s ridiculous.

Serena: Why don’t you join us, Hunter? You could stand to be away from drugs and alcohol for a while.

HHH: You can take my show, but you will never take…MY LIQUOR!

Gallows: Ok. Geez!

Hunter is really upset by this, however, and starts brawling with the Straight Edge Society. Somehow he falls behind Festus, but Rey Misterio hits the ring for the save. Hunter is totally disappointed that there’s another guy here. How is he going to get his nap in? Hunter and Rey start giving Punk a haircut, because this night is about wasting as much time as humanly possible, but Luke and Serena pull him out of there. Given Hunter’s terrible hair, that’s probably a good idea.

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Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Somewhere, Hunter is really pissed that these guys are taking up valuable sandwich making time. I know literally nothing about Drew McIntyre, except that he’s tall and he’s got a lovely jaw. Somewhere, Abe Orton is salivating. Matt Hardy looks like he could’ve used the day off. Actually, of all the WWE Superstars I would’ve predicted to be destroyed by a volcano (and I have had this internal monologue before tonight) Matt Hardy was number three on my list. So. Matt falls asleep and, Drew rolls him up for the pin. Is That His Move?

Meanwhile….

John Cena: I survived! I don’t know how or why, but I’m alive and in this volcano! I’ve got to get out of here and back to RAW! I don’t know how that show is going to survive without me! Hey, a hatch! 8 6 7 5 30 9? What is that? The Powerball?

Cena opens up the hatch.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Stay out of my HOUSE!

Elix Skipper: This is my house! I built this house!

OSPREY BOMB TO ELIX SKIPPER~!

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Hey, it’s Vladamir Kozlov. I have nothing further to say about him.

Vladamir Kozlov: I swam back to the U.S.

Jerry “” Lawler: Aren’t you upset about being in New Jersey with all these filthy Americans?

Kozlov: Yes.

Lawler: Aren’t you excited about the Russians buying the Nets so they can movet hem out of Jersey?

Kozlov: Yep.

Lawler: Aren’t you upset at the lack of matches you’re having here in America?

Kozlov: You know, it sounds like you’re more upset about this than I am.

Here’s the Cast of McGruber. Well, not Ryan Phillipe who probably has better things to be doing. Or not. At least they had the good sense to bring Kristen Wiig along. Other celebrity owners take note!

Kristen Wiig: I just wanted to officially state how embarrassed I am to be out here tonight. That’s coming from me, ok? And I was in Whip It.

McGruber: Vicki! We’ve got to get out of here! RAW is going to blow up!

Wiig: Will, I did not buy some wrestling show for you to run around playing these stupid characters.

McGruber: Shut up, Vicki. Vladamir Kozlov, I’m tired of you coming out and running down the great state of New Jersey. A lot of good things come from New Jersey! Like Jenny Owen Youngs! And Bon Jovi! And basically everything that you think is good about New York!

Vlad: Counterpoint: Snooki.

McGruber: Damn.

Wiig: He’s got you there, McGruber.

McGruber: Oh yeah? Well…Counterpoint: you’re going to have to wrestle R-Truth!

Vlad: Oh. Oh no.

R-Truth: What’s up? What’s up?! They didn’t bother to even send me to Europe, so now I’m here in the United States saying, “What’s Up?!”

R-Truth explodes.

Wiig: McG-What the hell?!

McGruber: I’ve wanted to do that for yeeeeeeeears.

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Backstage….

Triple H: Man, I guess those Smackdown guys must’ve heard that nobody was going to be on this show that people actually watch, and they all decided to come over here. Oh well. They can have it. At least I’ll still be able to get my nap in.

McGruber: Hi, Hunter.

HHH: Dude, nobody believes you’re actually some stupid character from Saturday Night Live. This is an insult to all of our fans.

McGruber: Ok, Mr. Levesque.

HHH: Oh, shut it. And you were a horrible George Bush.

Kane: Hey, guys. I heard the show needed a little more me tonight, so I booked a flight from Europe to come over here.

HHH: You didn’t crash into a volcano?

Kane: Yep. I did.

HHH: You did.

Kane: Yep. That was pretty fun, actually.

McGruber: Guys! I just peed my pants!

HHH: I already told you, that George Bush is terrible!

Meanwhile, in the volcano….

Randy Orton: Laddies and Generalmen, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the ROH Girl’s Chocolatechip, have contradicted a plan to help us escapade from this volnado we find ourselves in!

Ted DiBiase: Randy, what possible plan could you have to escape from this volcano? Do I even want to know? No. No I do not.

Cody Rhodes: I do. I want to see what hilarious way he eventually gets himself killed.

Orton: I have preparered us a rapt!

DiBiase: A raft. To get us out of a volcano.

Rhodes: Shhh! Let the magic happen.

Orton: And now we lunch!

Orton pushes the raft into the lava, and it immediately starts on fire. Orton is shocked.

Orton: I am stocked! I thought for shore that a rapt would flotilla on larva.

DiBiase: Damn.

Rhodes: One of these days, man. I’m telling you.

Meanwhile, at RAW, Jack Swagger is looking for that turkey sandwich.

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Jack Swagger vs. The Undertaker

Swagger puts out an open challenge, and I guess Taker was bored enough to show up here tonight. This is the first time he’s even bothered since Wrestlemania. I guess I should feel blessed that he came out here tonight. Thanks, volcano! This is kind of a weird way for him to make his comeback though. Random Jack Swagger challenge match? Hell, why not? Of course, I fully expect that he’ll be bailing after this match for another six months. So enjoy it while you can!

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Hey, Swagger’s actually getting some offense in here. That’s pretty generous of Taker. He’s getting soft in his old age. Then Undertaker drops Jack over the top and starts hitting all his moves. Ah, there’s the Takerster that I know and love. Swagger actually does set up a powerbomb later, but Taker reverses that into a Tombstone for the win. Undertaker wins! It’s always nice to see the World Champion doing so well. How many matches has Jack won this year anyway?

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Backstage…

Luke Gallows: So, what do you think? If I actually do this alphabetically then “Dave Matthews Band” is going to be separated from “Matthews, Dave” which is just stupid.

CM Punk: Stop it! Why are you even doing that? You shouldn’t be organizing Triple H’s CDs! He’s our enemy!

Serena: I’d sort it all alphabetically by first name. That way you’d avoid at least that problem.

Gallows: Thank you. At least somebody is being helpful today.

Chris Jericho: Hey guys? What’s going on? Organizing your CDs? That’s cool! Any Fozzy in there?

Punk: Haha! Yeah right. Hey! Paramore! They’re my biggest fans! So, Chris, ready to be Straight Edge?

Jericho: Look, I don’t want to be Anything Edge. Besides, nobody gets drunk in the back of some dude’s cab like me. And I love my hair too much.

Punk: You’ll never beat Triple H!

McGruber: Ouch, man! That was cold!

Jericho: Thanks for putting me in your movie, by the way. That’s going to do wonders for my IMDB profile. Android Apocalypse and Albino Farm will only take you so far.

McGruber: Oh God. How did you make it past casting?

Kristen Wiig: Says the guy who was in Baby Mama. Hell, says the guy who was in McGruber.

Jericho: Good luck with Kozlov tonight.

McGruber: That guy hasn’t won a match in, like, two years. I’m pretty sure I got this.

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Vladamir Kozlov vs. McGruber (w/ Kristen Wiig)

The two “I”s in Wiig really bother me. Oh wait.

Ryan Phillipe: I just woke up. Sorry, guys.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Ah, hell, son, don’t worry about it. I used to show up with five minutes left in the show and nobody ever said anything about it.

Phillipe: Thanks, bald guy! Now, I’m going to change this match. Instead of my main man, Will-

McGruber: McGruber! My name is McGruber!

Phillipe: Whatever. This guy is taking on a new opponent! Mystery Opponent!

Vladamir Kozlov vs. A Polar Bear (w/ Kristen Wiig, McGruber, and Ryan Phillipe)

A polar bear? Really? That’s the Mystery Opponent. Ugh. Come on. They couldn’t have gotten Dolph Ziggler or something? Was Slam Master J busy or something? I’m pretty sure Slam Master J could beat Vladamir Kozlov at this point. I have no idea who that’s more damning for. The polar bear probably. The bear eats some fish and then tries hiding under the ring. Look out, Hornswoggle. Kozlov just rolls his eyes and bails. That Santino show can’t come soon enough, eh? The bear wins! I will say this, the bear is a better wrestler than The Great Khali.

McGruber: Wow. What a whatever that was! Now I want everybody to check out my hot new movie A Good Old Fashioned Orgy coming to a theatre near you later this year.

Kristen Wiig: I hate you so much.

Phillipe: I haven’t felt this good since I broke it off with Reese Witherspoon before her career tanked. It’s good being the only real celebrity on this show.

Wiig: Yeah. I loved you in Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare.

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In the volcano…

Sheamus: Hello? Anybody there? Um…I’m all alone here, and it’s actually getting kind of freaky. Anybody want to come talk to me? No? Aw….

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Triple H, Edge, and Rey-

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Triple H, Edge, and Rey Misterio vs. CM Punk, Luke Gallows, and Chris Jericho (w/ Serena)

I thought with all the RAW people stuck in that volcano that maybe we could go a whole night without interrupting the beginning of the match, but I guess not. The show disappoints yet again. It’s nice to see Hunter giving the rub to young guys like Rey and Edge, you know? I wonder how much they had to pay him to wake up from his nap and come do this. Festus with some offense which seems to surprise even him. Things quickly devolve into all six guys (and the girl) milling around the ring hitting random moves on whoever they can get their hands on (WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-miiiike Chioda sells like a champ) until Hunter gets sleepy again and hits the PEDIGREE TO CM PUNK~! for the win. Jericho chuckles that he managed to escape Hunter’s wrath here. Poor Punk.

Next Week: It’s the WWE Draft! Hopefully we’ll learn the rules before the show instead of making them up as we go along! Who will wind up, inexplicably, on NXT? And we finally get the answer to the question everyone’s been asking: Which show will get Tim Tebow?!

Rob Van Dam: AAAAAAH!

Jeff Hardy: What is it, Rob? What’s wrong?!

RVD: Jeff! Dude, I just had the worst nightmare! My friends all crashed into a volcano and Triple H spent an hour napping on a couch!

Hardy: It was just some crazy dream, Rob! Now get some sleep. You’ve got a big week ahead of you.

RVD: Yeah! All right!! Wait…why?

Hardy: Because you’re the new TNA Champion!

RVD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Last Week: “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson” apparently didn’t want the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles, but to be fair, neither did Dauvid Otuunga, whoever that is. New World Champion Jauck Swaugger fell over, which is a sterling start to his reign. And Triuple H made a decision that he will regret…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

You know who English WWE Fans love? Thou Houff. The guy single handedly brought down the Berlin Wall, people! You can’t get any more badass than that. There are Druids, who are actually half-naked girls, and Kitt, which is amazing and awesome, and Thou Houff.

Dauvid Hausslehoff: WOO! It’s the Houff! And I bought Monday Night RAW for a little bag of M&Ms! So, I was watching Monday Night RAW a few years back, and I have to say, I’m really interested in finally seeing the big stars of this show like Shauwn Michaeuls, Friaur Ferguuson, and the 1-2-3 Kiud are up to! But first, we’re going to be celebrating the most watched TV show of all time, M*A*S*H with a Baywatch Bikini Match! That’s PG rated, right? And also, the WWF Champion will get a number one contender when two dudes I’ve never heard of battle it out for a title that doesn’t even belong on this show, I guess! Now, I’ve got to go backstage and find out where you guys keep your liquor cabinet! Houff out!

Euve Tourres vs. Mauryse
For the WWE Divas Title

Michaeul Coule with the Mauurice call to start. Do you suppose Dauniel Bryaun knows what her name is? Euve Tourres is so bad you guys. But, at least nobody is going to win this belt by taking it out of a box. I’m not sure if that was innuendo or not, but just in case it was: Bangers and Mash. Euve goes for a moonsault that misses so badly that Mauryse doesn’t know what the hell to do, so she goes into a giggle fit. Euve gets her with a roll-up (That’s Her Move!) for the win. So…Euve Tourres is the WWE Divas Champion? You know, I know I’m not supposed to care about the lineage of this…um…”prestigious” title, but…seriously, you guys. What the hell?

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Hey, it’s ShouwMiuz! What could these guys possibly have to say?

Thou Biug Shouw: You know, Miuz, I always thought you were an idiot who was going to basically end my career after an awesome pairing with Chrius Jeuricho. But this isn’t so bad, I guess. I mean, I’m feuding with a bunch of jobbers, but I get to nap through most of the show unlike when I was main eventing with Jeuricho.

Thou Miz: I thought you said you liked teaming with me better than Jericho!

Shouw: Well…sometimes I just say things like that.

Miuz: I think we’re the best tag team of all time! Who betta than ShouwMiuz?

Shouw: EVERYBODY!

Miuz: No! Nobody betta than ShouwMiuz!

Breut Haurt: What do you mean who’s better than ShouwMiuz? Do you want me to go alphabetically? Thine Aaurdvarks. Aauron Brothers…

Miuz: The Aauron Brothers were terrible. You know who else was terrible? Thine Briuttish Buulldogs!

Breut Haurt: Well, you may be right about the Briuttish Buulldogs, I always hated those guys, but you know who I don’t hate? The Caunadian Buulldogs!

Shouw: You’re kidding, right? That’s the worst tag team ever. EVER!

Miuz: Does it bother anybody else that those guys aren’t even supposed to be on RAW?

Shouw: Not really.

Breut: No.

Caunadian Buulldog Dauvid Haurt Smiuth: Nope.

Tyuson Kiudd: Not at all.

Nautalya: Can’t say that it does.

Smiuth: So I’ll make you a deal, we’ll have a match tonight, and if I win we get a tag team title shot.

Miuz: And if I win, Breut has to stop looking like a sad, haunted version of his former self.

Breut: It’s a deal!

Smiuth: THIS SEGMENT IS OVER!

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Thou Miuz (w/ Thou Biug Shouw) vs. Dauvid Haurt Smiuth (w/ Thine Haurt Dynausty)

Maybe they can get Breut a facelift or something. How creepy would that be? Ugh. Just get him his hammer pants back and ship him back to the genies. Breut/Buulldog at Wembley Stadium this is not. If Dauvid was smart, he would’ve asked for a U.S. Title shot here. But somebody has to save something for Dauniel Bryaun, I guess. Miuz continues his tribute to Kanyoun by flailing around wildly and questioning his own sexuality. Then he kicks Haurt in the head for the win. Whaaaat?

(ads)

Backstage….

“Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”: What are you doing HERE?

Dauvid Otuunga: I-

Bautista: You are a stupid ROOKIE!

Otuunga: Well-

Bautista: You are not A LIST! I was in a MOVIE!

Otuunga: Bu-

Bautista: I am the only DAVE!

Dauvid Hausslehoff: What about me, Thetista?

Bautista: You are thou HOUFF!

Thou Houff: True that. So, I invited you here to get humiliated, Dave. You can’t just show up here and expect to be treated like an A-List star like Thou Houff. So tonight, you’re going to job to Jouhn Ceuna!

Thine Beulla Twiuns: That sounds great, Dauvid!

Thou Houff: I swear I haven’t even had that much to drink yet! Why are there two of them? Ugh. What do you think about tonight, KITT?

KITT: Jeunnifer Huudson’s boyfriend is gonna get his ass kicked, Michaeul.

Thou Houff: MY NAME IS DAUVID, KITT!

Bautista: Me TOO!

Otuunga: Me t-

Bautista: NO!

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Evaun Bouurne vs. Caurlito Cauribbean Cooul

What the hell prompted the booking of this match? “Hey, you know who we haven’t seen in a while?” That’s why we need Internet Heat back. Now that was a show this would’ve flown on. And yes, I know about WWE Superstars. But still. I miss Internet Heat. Coule and Lauwler are talking about Knight Rider, so I don’t feel bad for ignoring this match, really. But, I guess I should pay a little attention in case this leads to something down the road. Evaun Bouurne pins Caurlito. Ok. Good enough.

(ads)

Jouhn Ceuna vs. Dauvid Otuunga

Just so we’re clear about this, Otuunga is still competing on NXT for a WWE contract, right? So he’s just some dude right now. I’m just trying to clear this up in my own head. I do know that he is Wild and Young, however. Cena opens up with some mat wrestling, because he’s finally in the ring against somebody who is worse at it than him. Bautista is out, no doubt to protest that Otuunga is still attempting to steal his “Dauveness.” Cena locks in the STF, and that’s enough for the win. Thetista takes off his shirt, which is pretty much akin to a peacock showing his feathers. You tell Otuunga who’s Dauve!

(ads)

Big Ben somehow manages to avoid raping a woman.

Sheamuus vs. Koufi Johnstoun

Sheamuus grabs the mic first and bitches about Huunter crying about feuding with a midcarder like Sheamuus. I don’t know. On one hand…it’s Sheamuus. On the other hand…it’s Huunter. These two kind of deserve each other, don’t they? Koufi comes out to bitch about being ignored last week, but he’s just Kofi Johnston so his point is moot. Sheamuus misses the Bicycle Kick (the Missed Finisher of Champions!), so he just whacks Koufi In the face with a monitor for the loss. The crowd is chanting for Triuple H, but dude isn’t going to go all the way to England for this feud.

(ads)

In the Hoffice….

Caurlito Cauribbean Cooul: Where is he?! Where is Thou Houff?! I demand an explanation as to why I was put on RAW this week only to job to Evaun Bouurne!

Vlaudimir Kouzlov: At least you had a match.

Caurlito: Oh my God! You still work here?!

Vlaudamir: I know, right? I’ve been hiding behind this plant for, like, a year now. Just moving with the plant every time we change cities. Anything to get off ECW.

Caurlito: They cancelled that, like, months ago, you know.

Vlaudamir: I think I’d rather just stay behind the plant though.

Elsewhere, WWE Diva Joush Mauthews is standing by with Raundy Ortoun.

WWE Diva Joush Mauthews: WWE Diva Joush Mauthews here and I’m standing by with Raundy Ortoun, and Raundy I have to ask you, why is a RAW Superstar challenging for a Smackdown title against another RAW Superstar?

Raundy Ortoun: It is I, Raunky Q. Mourgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WUK Girl’s Chocolatechip. And Joush, I think the answer to your questing is clear! Nobodies watches Snacktown. So we might asp well have both bullets on Monkey Night RAM!

Mauthews: You know how much I hate you, right?

Ortoun: Joush, if I ever maker a new Lemony, you’ll be the forest one I ask to joint.

Keull-

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Keully Keully Keully and Gaiul Kium vs. Euve Meundes and Jiullian Haull vs. The Beulla Twiuns
Ina a Baywatch Babe Match

I think this is the most skin we’ve seen in a Divas match in about a year. I can’t be mad, by the way, about the commercial break interrupting the beginning of the match, because all we got before the commercial was an extended shot of Keully and Gaiul running in slow motion, and I can’t hate on that. Everybody does realize this show went off the air ten years ago, right? Ok then. Thou Houff is sitting in a life guard chair like Pauul Heymaun so many years ago, and Sauntino Maurella is our guest referee. The Beullas win with the ol’ Switcheroo (that’s their move!), but Sauntino chokes on his whistle. That happened to Jouhn Toulos one time. Thou Houff is literally in an alcohol fueled slumber up in the chair at this point, so Hournswoggle comes out to jump on Sauntino’s chest. Of course! Somewhere, Yausmine Bleeuth is weeping. But probably not over this match.

Backstage, Thetista is trying to barter with Dauvid Haurt Smiuth to just go by “Haurty Haurt Smiuth” from now on.

(ads)

Raundy Ortoun vs. “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”

Coule does the unthinkable by not only bringing up Evolution, but also invoking the Ghost of Riuc Flaiur, which I’m pretty sure is a violation of the Viunce McMauhon School of Announcing. Hasn’t he learned anything? Don’t answer that. I already know. Somewhere backstage, I just know that Thou Houff is crawling around looking for Friaur Ferguuson’s secret stash. Where is CM Puunk when you need him? Dauve spends half the match executing his offense on the ring stairs. Do you suppose their name is Dauve? Man, wait until he finds out what Fiunlay’s real name is!

(ads)

Bautista locks in a CHINLOCK~! coming back, which totally inverts my whole world view. They take the fight outside for a while, before enjoying a pleasant conversation at the announce table. How lovely! It must be tea time. You know Dauve is never going to miss tea time. Things continue pretty much as you expect for a Bautista/Ortoun match, until Jauck Swaugger runs out and power bombs the hell out of Raundy. Nice to see our Smackdown champion getting so involved in this RAW match. Swaugger wants to soak this up a little more, but Jouhn Ceuna materializes behind him and whacks him in the back of the head. Dude. Jouhn. Quit being such a jerk. Ceuna locks in an STF on Dauve, which is another real jerk thing to do, and he doesn’t let go until he’s scared off by Deaun Maulenko. Deaun should just go ahead and beat the hell out of all these guys.

Next Week: Dauvid Otuunga will no doubt find a way back onto this show without a WWE contract. The Smackdown world title feud will continue on RAW. And The Stars of MacGruuber explain how they will string together 90 1-Minute sketches into a feature film.