Last Week: Just about everybody got swallowed by a volcano, except for Triple H. So then some dudes from that other show (no, not NXT) decided to be on a show that people actually bothered watching. And everybody else (no, not NXT) got fired. Who will get fired…TONIGHT!
I’m not sure about how I feel about this draft being extended over three days. All I know is that RAW better take a running back or I’m writing as strongly worded e-ma-Oh. That’s the NFL Draft? Well what the hell is this, then?
Hey! Matt Striker for no discernable reason. He’s the Mel Kiper of the WWE, folks! I guess? Anyway, in the ring is ShowMiz and they don’t look happy. Maybe they’ll tell us what happened in that volcano though.
The Miz: I know what you’re thinking, but no, we won’t tell you what happened in that volcano. We here in the WWE Cosmos have an old saying that goes “What happened in the volcano, stays in the volcano.”
The Big Show: I’m pretty sure that’s not an old saying.
Miz: Sure it is! I say it all the time.
Show: Why would you ever say that? Except in the off chance that we happened to get trapped in a volcano.
Miz: Which happened.
Show: Oh shut up. I just want to hear Bret Hart call us the greatest tag team of all time. Bret?
Bret Hart: ShowMiz is the greatest tag team of all time. In the same way that Dean Douglas is the greatest Intercontinental champion of all time. Or Shawn Michaels was a great WWE Champion.
Miz: Hey! Shawn was a gre-
Hart: NO HE WASN’T!
ShowMiz vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya and Bret Hart)
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles
Tyson Kidd opens the match by almost breaking his neck trying to do an Indie reversal sequence with Miz. I’m not sure, but I think That’s His Move. Tyson then attempts to invent a taunt for the next Smackdown vs. RAW game by looking at his wrist for a half hour while The Canadian Bulldog wrestles. Big Show has spent the entire match so far trying to stare at Natalya’s Natalyas. Striker claims that Big Show has the best intangibles in the WWE, but his 40 time is pretty bad. He projects as a fat beardy guy at the next level.
Miz has the CHINLOCK~! locked in coming out of the break. Randy Orton has truly spawned a new generation of WWE Superstars. Not to be confused with the TV show WWE Superstars, which hasn’t spawned anything of note. Bret gets into the world’s slowest shoving match with Miz while Striker complains that the Hart Dynasty is a reach here at the top of the show. Kidd locks in the Sharpshooter for the win. There are new tag team champions! Did Big Show even wrestle in this match? As if to answer that very question, Show finally wakes up and pins Lawler
Big Show beat the hell out of Miz during the break. Somewhere, John Morrison is nodding his head. So wait, did nobody get a draft pick out of that. I just checked WWE.com, and apparently NXT drafted Tony Chimel. Good solid pick there. He can lead the brand for the next ten years. Anyway, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Jack Swagger.
WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m sanding by with Jack Swagger, and Jack I’ve got to ask you how in the hell are you still World Champion?
Jack Swagger: Funny story, Josh. Turns out that I was contractually allowed one comedy win over Randy Orton. So I used it last night, it was pretty cool.
Edge: Well you know what? I’m the new number one contender, and you’d better hope that you get drafted over to RAW, because otherwise I‘m going to beat the hell out of you!
Swagger: Wait, am I not on the RAW roster?
Mathews: I don’t know. I stopped paying attention, like, five months ago.
Michelle McCool and Layla El (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Eve Torres and Maryse
Damn you, show! A Divas match is not worth this wait. The crowd is chanting “We Want Mickey.” As interesting as that would be, I think he’s still property of Disney. Maybe as one of RAW’s owners, but as PG as RAW has gotten lately, I don’t think they’re going to lease out Mickey Mouse to the idea…of…oh. Mickie James. Yeah, I think she got fired, y’all. Maybe next time she’ll listen when Jim Ross calls her a fattie. I’m still in awe that Eve Torres has anything to do with any of this, much less is the Divas champion. Matt Striker manages to make fun of everybody who got fired and Joey Styles in about three seconds. McCool hits Maryse with a bicycle kick (the Finisher of Champions!) for the win. Draft time!
Michelle McCool: Big bucks! No whammies! Ooh, a handbag! And STOP!
On Kelly Kelly Kelly!
Kelly Kelly Kelly: Noooooooooooo!
Man, sucks for her. I’m going to miss you, Kelly. We’ll always have…um…we’ll always have…well…We won’t have anything. Sorry. Now, our draft expert Melina.
RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: OH MY GOD! I CAN’T BELIEVE SOMEBODY GOT DRAFTED! IT’S LIKE A WHOLE DIFFERENT SHOW!
Backstage, the Straight Edge Society is not doing drugs or drinking alcohol.
Evan Bourne vs. CM Punk (w/ Serena and Luke Gallows)
Evan Bourne still exists?! Even he looks just as surprised about this fact. So what show is he representing? NXT? Striker can’t help himself but talk up Kelly Kelly Kelly’s vertical. But she needs to work on her conditioning. I know. Those split ends, girl! Luke Gallows jumps onto the apron while a mysterious masked man named Moey Jercury trips Bourne up. It’s been so long since we’ve had a mystery wrestler! I’ve missed it. Punk with the GTS and the win.
CM Punk: Ok. I want a Whammy. Gimmie a goddamn Whammy! And STOP!
On The Big Show. He wasn’t on Smackdown?
Punk: YES! Whammy!
The Big Show: I cannot tell a lie. You’re probably going to job to me.
RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: BIG SHOW IS BIG AND FAT!
Hey, look, it’s Sheamus! I hope he gets drafted to Superstars!
Teddy Long: Holla Holla, playa! With Vince not bothering to show up anymore and RAW being held by brokerage firm while we wait for somebody to buy it, I’m the most powerful man in the WWE! I’m firing everybody!
Kung Funaki: Teddy! Good thing I found you, I was-
Long: Fired, dawg!
Jimmy Wang Yang: That’s rac-
Slam Master J: Can I just go to FCW?
Long: No! Fired!
The Big Show: Hey, Teddy. Guess I’m on Smackdown now.
Teddy Long: Fired, playa!
Show: Do you want me to eat you?
Long: Uh…hahaha…Did I say “fired?” I meant…Fryered! Get this man some chicken wings!
Katie Lea Burchill: Right!
Long: And then you’re fired!
Sheamus has finally made it to the ring. What the hell was he doing back there? I’m going to put my money on “watching Dancing with the Stars”.
Sheamus: That Erin Andrews, you guys. Whew. So anyway, I don’t know if you were paying attention last night, but I got out of that volcano and the first thing I did was beat Triple H into a WWE Film with this lead pipe. It’s the lowlight of his career. So, you all have me to thank for Hunter not showing up for the next couple weeks anyway.
Randy Orton: Shameless! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the PGA Girl’s Chocolatechip! And I am asheamus of you! I would neverer attack Triopoly H from behind like that!
Sheamus: You’re kidding, right? You attacked Hunter from behind all the time! You even DDTed his wife once just to piss him off.
Sheamus: And lest we forget all the times you arranged The Lemony to be in on sneak attacks so you didn’t have to get your hands dirty.
Orton: I don’t deal with loofas like you!
John Cena: Guys! Guys! Being in that volcano was crazy! Right? But here’s the thing: I’m not going to feud with either one of you. You’re both stupid heads who have no business contending for this Spinnin’ World Title. The most prestigious spinnin’ title in the world today!
Sheamus: Don’t come out here and interrupt our promo!
Orton: Yeah, why do you always have to intercept yourself in my bigness?
Cena: Mike Mayock called and he thinks the Raiders wouldn’t even draft you guys.
Sheamus: My forty time just isn’t good enough!
Orton: I’m not enough of a thug addict!
Sheamus starts to nod off and he almost falls over, but then he bails. Orton looks depressed. He almost won!
Kane, Rey Misterio, Drew McIntyre, Shad Gaspard and R-Truth vs. Yoshi Tatsu, Montel Vontavious Porter, Mark Henry, Ted DiBiase and Santino Marella
In a 5 vs. 5 Battle Royal…Thing
The rules of this are almost, but not quite, as convoluted as a TNA Battle Royal. I am not, of course, talking about one of TNA’s reverse battle royals, which are plain ridiculous. When the Smackdown guys came out, I was all prepared to say “Shad? Really? That’s the guy you want representing your brand right now?” But then RAW shipped out Yoshi Tatsu, who may never have even appeared on the show, and Santino. It’s a battle of who wants it least!
Some people got eliminated while I wasn’t paying attention there, which basically accounts for the entire match. I think Yoshi and the British guy. Matt Striker can’t help himself but compare Henry to a young Jared Lorenzen. Pretty shortly after the break, Rey is the only guy left from Smackdown against Santino and DiBiase. And…you know what? The edge is still probably Rey’s here. But then Rey jumps over the top rope to go hug some children and Smackdown loses again. On the plus side, I’m sure they won’t lose anybody important. Ted beats the hell out of Santino just for the fun of it
Ted DiBiase: No Whammies! No Whammies! And STOP!
John Morrison and a spin!
DiBiase: Ugh. Can I pass?
Matt Striker: No.
DiBiase: Ok. Fine. I want a trip to Aruba! Come on Aruba! I’ve always wondered where in the hell that is! And STOP!
On R-Truth and a Spin!
DiBiase: AGH! PASS!
Striker: You can’t pass, Ted.
DiBiase: Aw come on. Isn’t he dead?
Striker: He got better.
DiBiase: Ok. No Whammies. Big bucks and…STOP!
DiBiase: I’m never going to appear on this show again, am I?
RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: THAT WAS THREE GUYS I DONT GET IT!
Chris Jericho vs. Chris Tian (w/ Heath Slater)
Jericho gets on the mic before the match and calls out Slater, who apparently beat him last week on NXT. Did that really happen? Because that’s hilarious. Never missing his cue, Michael Cole uses this as an opportunity to make fun of Daniel Bryan. Striker says that Bryan lost a lot of support by choosing not to run at his Pro Day. Well, no, you shouldn’t run in the Real World house. Everybody knows that. Slater manages to not sound like a total buffoon on the mic and push Jericho out of the ring. Sadly, the Battle Royal was last segment, so NXT doesn’t get a draft pick.
Seriously, though, I was hoping NXT was going to get something tonight. Remember how ECW managed to get Tommy Dreamer every year, despite the fact that he was already on their roster? Well, Darren Young could be NXT’s Tommy Dreamer. Like, ten years ago, this would’ve been the hottest match on the card. Heath Slater is no Trish Stratus. Where’s Wade Barrett anyway? Still stuck in that volcano? Damn. There’s about eight minutes of these guys hitting all their moves (Those Were Their Moves!) until Jericho finishes it with a Codebreaker.
Chris Jericho: You mean Smackdown gets a draft pick other than Kelly Kelly Kelly? Who is it?! Big Bucks…No Whammies and STOP!
Kofi Johnston: I am Shelton!
Teddy Long: FIRED!
Jericho: Aw, what a waste of a draft pick!
RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: NO IDEA WHO THAT IS LOL
Backstage, John Morrison is walking in slow motion while Jack Swagger is eating a grape. Riveting television.
Jack Swagger vs. John Morrison
I’m not even sure what’s going on in this match. Apparently, despite the confusion earlier tonight, Swagger is actually representing Smackdown. And here I thought maybe he’d be giving it up for AM RAW or something. Is AM RAW a show still? It is! And it’s outdrawing TNA at 2 a.m.! Hell, I’d consider it an honor to be representing AM RAW at the draft. Or…uh…AM NXT. Apparently, these two are sort of feuding, but not really. Striker likes Swagger, but worries that he might have character issues. Just like everybody else on this show!
Why did Morrison stop bedazzling his abs? That was pretty much the only thing he had going for him. Morrison, according to Striker, is a blue-chip guy who can make all the throws. That’s actually pretty much the nicest thing an announcer has said about a wrestler in this company in about ten years. Morrison does a backflip out of nowhere for no reason at all, and Striker downgrades him to “has a high motor.” Uh-oh! The death knell for a career! Swagger with his move (that’s his move!) for the win. Smackdown’s on a roll! Sort of!
Swagger: Nobody good! Nobody good! And STOP!
On Chris Tian!
Swagger: What is this? The ECW Roster circa 2008?
RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: HI JOHN IM ON THE INTERENT!!
And now: Whatever the hell this is.
Ryan Seacrest: Welcome to America’s Next Top Virgil! The show where we find out who the next Virgil will be. And I find out who the first Virgil was!
Ted DiBiase: Thanks, Ryan. Now, Carlito, tell me why you should be the next Virgil.
Carlito Caribbean Cool: I’m cool. And stuff. And when I go places nobody knows who I am. And I only own one basketball jersey.
Carlito: No, it’s Kent State. But whatever. I’m also better looking than Cody Rhodes.
Kara DioGuardi: Carlito, I just didn’t think you owned it up there. When we saw Virgil, you could just tell, he was Virgil. You know? You’re just not Virgil up there.
Ellen DeGeneres: I haven’t been a Virgil for about forty years. Am I right people? Ha!
Randy Jackson: Dawg. That was pitchy.
Carlito: That advice doesn’t even apply here.
DiBiase: NEXT! You! Why do you think you’d be the next top Virgil.
R-Truth: What’s UP? What’s up?! That’s racist!
Ellen: You know what’s up? The sky! That’s what’s up! It’s the sky.
Kara: Truth, will you take off your shirt for me?
Randy: Yooooo…dawg! That was hot right there.
Virgil: Hey…I still think I have what it takes to be the next top Virgil….
DiBiase: Uh…sorry. Position’s closed.
Virgil: But the show-
DiBiase: I’m reforming X-Factor with A-Train and Justin Credible instead.
Virgil: But I have nothing better to-
DiBiase: BEEP! Oh, sorry, we’re all out of time!
Virgil: Can I at least sing “Pants on the Ground?”
Ellen: The last time I heard that was at my Nan’s birthday party. And that was “Depends on the Ground!” Just kidding. I love you, Nan.
Kara: Shut up, Ellen.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Hornswoggle
Really? They’re staking a draft pick on this? Oook. Gotta love Hornswoggle still repping the DX gear. It took him so long to get let into the club, nobody has the heart to tell him that Shawn Michaels left a frigging month ago. Dolph spends the entire match standing outside the ring arguing with Striker about whether or not he has “deceptive speed in the pocket.” I don’t want to know what that means. Anyway, Hornswoggle wins by count out. Yay! Dolph gets so pissed off about this that he puts Horny in a sleeper. Is it time for this decade’s sleeper angle already?! Geez! I wasn’t even prepared!
Jerry “” Lawler: Since Hornswoggle just died, it’s up to me to draft for RAW. Big bucks! Lingerie shopping spree! PUPPIES PUPPIES!
And STOP! On…Chris Jericho? Hahahahahaha!
Chris Jericho: Remember when I lost that match a couple months back saying that I could never appear on RAW again for the rest of my career? Welp.
RAW Satire Draft Expert Melina: I DONT GET IT WHATS A DRAFT LOL! >_<
Backstage, Randy Orton and Sheamus look bored out of their minds. It’s been a long night, you guys.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I want to be in the MATCH!
John Cena: Well…I’m as close as RAW has to a general manager this week, so…sure. Whatever.
Teddy Long: Uh…Playa….
Cena: Shut up, Teddy.
Long: I heard that.
Cena: Aren’t you quitting, Dave?
Batista: Not right NOW!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Sheamus vs. Randy Orton
For the #1 Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ Title
Dave bails on the match five seconds in. I know he wants to quit to pursue his “acting” “career,” and Wrong Side of Town 2: Roach Rancher isn’t going to film itself, but come on. This is pretty much the high point of your life, dude. It’s all down hill from here. Just ask Rob Van Dam. Ugh. That poor guy. Dave gets back into the ring and proceeds to flail around like he’s having a seizure. ACTING~! But then he actually takes over the match and he starts wailing on Sheamus and Orton. Batista going for the OSPREY BO-
Um. Ok? Striker says that Batista has all the tools, except for a screwdriver. Isn’t the draft over? RAW won. Lawler has the gall to say that Dave has a bright future in WWE. Which even Michael Cole knows is not exactly true. Then striker says that Sheamus has great hips, and things get kind of weird for a minute. I’m not saying it’s not true, I’m just saying that it’s not something you say during a wrestling show. Sheamus hits a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!), but then he gets distracted by his own blinding whiteness. Long enough for Edge to come in and Spear Orton. I have no idea if that constitutes a heel turn. Dave manages to put his hand on Orton’s face for the win. They’re really milking ol’ Thetista for all he’s worth.
Next Week: America’s Next Top Virgil Continues with the shocking return of Shawn Michaels. Also, RAW apparently has literally every wrestler on the roster, except people who used to be in ECW. And The Batista Retirement Tour continues when Dave beats John Cena cleanly for no reason.