Archive for May 2010

RAW Satire for 5/25/10

May 27, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Night: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” was thrown off a car by John Cena which makes him about the 40,000 guy to have that happen to him. Randy Orton managed to fall over while he was posing, so he won the match, but lost his arm. And Bret Hart didn’t even bother to have a match. Maybe he’ll have one…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Heeeeeeeeeere’s Thetista!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am a MUMMY! I got thrown off a CAR! I am going to QUIT! And then I am going to SUE! No one should have to wrestle under CONTRACT!

Bret Hart: Hi, I’m not Abraham Washington, which is probably for the best. I’m also the new RAW General Manager.

Batista: Who is Abraham WASHINGTON?

Hart: I honestly don’t care. Look, I just think it would be really hilarious if you and Randy Orton fought each other in a cripple vs. cripple match tonight. I mean, think about it, The Mummy vs. the One Armed Man! Not since mid-’90s WCW has the wrestling world been so hard up for ideas.

Batista: What about Kaiju Big BATTEL?

Hart: Bless you.

Batista: I quit for real this TIME! Have fun without any MONEY!

Hart: Let’s give it up one more time for Thetista!

(ads)

Mark Henry vs. Sheamus
In a Fatal Four Way Qualifying Match

Ah yes, World Title Contender Mark Henry. I’ve missed you, buddy! It seems like you’re always getting all your big breaks in Toledo. And Sheamus too, I guess. Did we ever figure out why Sheamus was in main events? It’s the hair, right? It’s got to be the hair. One day, somebody at Titan Towers said, “Oh my God, there are just not enough gingers at the top of the card.” My money is on Linda. Somewhere, Lash LaRoux is crying. Though that has nothing to do with this. He’s just crying because every day he has to wake up and still be Lash LeRoux. That’s a lot to digest, so Sheamus just finishes things off with a Bicycle Kick (the Finisher of Champions!) for the win.

(ads)

Hey, it’s the guy the kids are all talking about (in 1987, and really we weren’t talking about him then either), Jon Lovitz! He’s got a telephone! I’m trying to make this more exciting! Is it working?!

Jon Lovitz: Hello, Mr. McMahon! I imagine that you’re rolling in the dough from your cameo appearance in the blockbuster hit MacGruber, and…it made how much? Ugh! That’s less money than I Could Never Be Your Woman, my latest film now on DVD made! I shouldn’t be surprised, though. In fact a friend of mine just did a review of MacGruber….

Jay Sherman: It stinks.

Lovitz: Jay Sherman everybody! It’s…it’s still 1995, right? Somebody will get that? No. Oh. Well.

Maryse: You! Filthy pig man! What are you doing here?

Lovitz: Promoting my new Comedy Club and trying to score a date! Santino said this would be a piece of cake. Even he got to make out with Maria!

Maryse: Nobody would date a fat ugly slob like you!

Lovitz: Did I mention that I’m filthy rich?

Maryse: JON!

Elsewhere…Wait, why are there two offices?

Edge: So, I mean, we’re both Canadian, right? And I rid the show of its Randy Orton problem. So just go ahead and put me in the match.

Bret Hart: You know, I must admit, Edge, I never noticed just how weird you looked until I got up close. What’s the deal with your eyes, man? I mean…I’m the king of weird looking wrestlers, but geez….

Chris Jericho: Gentlemen, after my star turn in MacGruber, which no doubt toppled box office records this weekend on its way to Avatar-like money, I’m quitting wrestling again and going back into acting full time.

Lovitz: ACTING~!

Edge: You know, MacGruber only made $4.50, right Chris? And that was from a confused old guy who thought he was seeing a movie about McGruff. You know. The crime dog?

Hart: Really? McGruff? What is this, 1995?

Lovitz: That’s what I’m banking on!

Jericho: Four dollars?! How could this happen?

Edge: I know, right? I mean, that’s not enough to pay Ryan Phillipe’s left eyebrow! Even that terrible Highlander movie I was in made in the high hundreds of dollars!

Jericho: This was supposed to be my gravy train out of this station! NOOOOOO!

Hart: Anyway, it’s going to be the two of you versus Cena in a triple threat, and the winner moves on into the Fatal Fourway at whatever this PPV is called.

Edge: So if Cena loses he’s out of the match?

Hart: Um…sure? And then he’ll just have a different title match at the show.

Jericho: Damn that Cena!

(ads)

Maryse and Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim and Eve Torres

I guess this is some sort of continuation of that Gail/Alicia feud. I’m still not exactly sure why they’re feuding over Zack Ryder, but I can only assume it has something to do with the “Woo Woo” headband. Girls got to accessorize. Can you believe that Eve is still the Diva’s champion? It’s especially disconcerting because I can’t remember a single match that Eve’s ever had. Including this one right now. I guess Maryse won with a DDT or something? I don’t know.

Backstage, The Miz and R-Truth are trying to forget that last match.

(ads)

The Miz vs. R-Truth
For the WWE United States Title

Bret’s getting soft in his old age if he’s letting Miz have another title shot, didn’t he just spend, like, two months trying to get the belt off of him? Miz even gets on the mic and says that he doesn’t get it, which is never a good sign. R-Truth, meanwhile, is still trying to figure out “What’s up?” I get the feeling he’ll never learn. I sort of enjoy it more than “Gettin’ Rowdy” though, because there’s less moving of thangs this way. Trust me, when you get to my age, thangs start moving that you don’t want to move when you’re gettin’ rowdy.

(ads)

I’ve been trying to figure out the lyrics to Truth’s theme and so far all I’ve come up with is “People with hands what’s up? Bananarama in your pants, what’s up?” Truth’s a little too young to remember Bananarama, right? Holy crap, I just looked it up and they’re still around! Who do they think they are? Diversity Five? Now there was a power group worthy of writing a really terrible theme song about. I’d wonder aloud what they’re up to these days, but I don’t know if I want to know. Truth with his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. We have a new U.S. Champion! What’s up?

Backstage. WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John earlier tonight Batista quit. Doesn’t that make you a little sad? I mean, he was the best thing this show had.

John Cena: Josh, once his movie career tanks as bad as mine has, he’ll be back. So, that’d be in, like two months or so. In the meantime, I have to deal with every Archie, Jugghead, and…um…Veronica coming after my WWE Spinnin’ Title.

Sheamus: Oh, can I be Veronica?!

Cena: I’m pretty sure you would be Archie there, red.

Jericho: I always saw myself as more of a Betty.

Edge: I want to be Josie and the Pussycats.

Cena: I forgot to get my new catchphrase in there somewhere. “Cenation.” There it is. Buy the T-Shirt.

(ads)

Jon Lovitz is in the ring with The Bellas.

Jon Lovitz: Anybody want to buy some Dodgers tickets? Only $100,000! Haha! No? Damn. Anyway, I loved that segment that Sharon and Ozzy did that everybody hated so much, that I decided to do it again!

Bella Twins: What a brilliant idea, Jon.

Lovitz: I haven’t been this turned on and turned off since I beat the hell out of Andy Dick.

First up? The Great Khali and Indian Eric Bischoff.

The Great Khali and Indian Eric Bischoff:

‘Cuz we’re leaaaAAGHKTKDLO!
On a jeaaKKO PLKDKJDDFF!
Don’t know whEEEYDDSOOY!

BZZZT!

Lovitz: It stinks! Haha, seriously though, folks, I haven’t been that offended since I played Satan on Saturday Night Live.

Bellas: Do you know Andy Samberg?

Lovitz: No, I was on SNL in the ‘80s.

Bellas: Ew. You’re old.

Jillian Hall: I-

BZZZT!

Lovitz: Haha! Everybody saw that coming. What about you, sir, do you have a hidden talent?

Jerry “” Lawler: I can take out all my teeth!

And he does. Gross!

Ted DiBiase: Jerry! Jerry! How much for those teeth? Virgil here has been consisting on nothing but Hot Pockets and Red Bull for the last fifteen years of his life, and he needs a new set.

Lovitz: Look at this guy! He has a belt!

DiBiase: Look at this guy! He’s got no hair!

DiBiase and Virgil try to steel Jerry’s dentures, but Virgil is waylaid by Santino. It’s pretty sad when Santino is higher on the food chain than you, Virgil. DiBiase with Dream Street on Santino (That’s His Move!), and he grabs the teeth and runs off.

Lovitz: There’s your winner, folks, that guy! And his prize was Jerry Lawler’s teeth. Sorry, Jerry.

Lawler: Nuuuuuuugh!

Khali: NUUUUUUUGH!

(ads)

William Regal and Vladamir Kozlov vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya)
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

Remember when the Hart Dynasty intercepted Regal and Kozlov before they could interfere in the Bret/Miz match last week? No? Well, me neither, but apparently it happened. Somewhere, Ezekiel Jackson is really sad that he can’t get in on this action. That stable was the best part of the ECW that I never watched. Wasn’t Tough Enough Jessie the GM of that show? No wonder. Are the titles actually on the line here? Oh who am I kidding, it’s not like it’s going to matter. And sure enough, Tyson with a…that wasn’t a Hart Attack, but close enough. The Dynasty wins! But wait! Here’s Two Guys and a Girl! Just like The Hart Dyansty! They’re Samoan! They do splashes on the Hart Dynasty! I still have no idea what’s going on here!

(ads)

WWE Diva Josh Matthews is backstage with…Some dudes. I don’t know.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here and I’m standing by with these guys. Guys, who the hell are you?

Heath Slater: We’re the final four contestants on WWE NXT, the “reality” show to determine which of us eventually jobs to Wade Barrett in the finals.

Wade Barrett: It’s not going to be you, buddy. There’s only room for one weird looking redhead on the roster.

Sheamus: Yeah!

David Otunga: I have sex with Jennifer Hudson.

Justin Gabriel: I have no idea what I’m doing here. You guys? What’s going on?

Mathews: Yes, a real batch of winners we’ve chosen. Tune in tomorrow for more of these dorks. Or…you know…don’t.

Michael Cole: I am literally going to kill Daniel Bryanson for not friending me on Facebook.

Elsewhere….

Chris Jericho: I don’t know. I just really thought I’d just be able to retire on my phat MacGruber royalties and finally get away from jobbing to Cena and Triple H every week.

Edge: You really should’ve known better than to trust anything with “Starring Will Forte” in the credits.

Jericho: Now you tell me. So where do you put our chances of beating Cena tonight?

Edge: I’m at least 1/10th responsible for the broken arm of one of the guys in the match. You’re currently in a feud with an old, crippled topless genie and his bratty nephews. You figure it out.

Even Elsewherer….

John Cena: Cenation! Seriously, you guys, I’m totally getting those T-Shirts printed off. Buy, like, four.

(ads)

Apparently, Ashton Kutcher just bought RAW. Demi’s going to be so mad that he’s wasting their money.

Chris Jericho vs. Edge vs. John Cena
In a Fatal Four Way Qualifying Match

I love that Mark Henry and Sheamus had a better chance of getting into this match than Edge or Jericho. And Orton basically got a free pass, even though he’s not even going to be able to do anything but stand around. Not that that’s any different than usual, but come on. Jericho goes for the walls about ten seconds in, but that’s not going anywhere. Edge has just kind of disappeared for the early portion of the match, which is either sound strategy, or he’s gone backstage to make himself a snack. Either way, he’s the early favorite.

(ads)

Edge is back in the ring, sandwich crumbs hanging in his beard. I’m no scientific expert, but I think that looks like salami on rye. A decent choice. Everybody just kind of mills around the ring for ten minutes, and then starts going for all their finishers all at once, which just ends with a twisted pile of elbows, knees, and Cenation T-shirts in the middle of the ring. That’s Their Move? Edge’s left forearm is on top of Jericho’s right earlobe, so that’s enough for the win. Edge is GOING TO WHATEVER PPV THIS IS! Sheamus is out to kick some fools, but Randy Orton intercepts him, and spends the next half hour asking Sheamus if he grants wishes and trying to get him to look at his gross arm.

Next Week: Somebody accidentally gets a paper cut, causing the show to be stopped for nearly an hour. Also, Jon Lovitz shows up again, because dude just doesn’t know when to let go. And Randy Orton breaks his leg while walking backstage.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Scarlet Monestary

May 27, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

There are four wings to the Monastery, each a seperate instance.

The story behind the Scarlet Monastery, is that what used to be just a big Church of the Light where the people of Lorderon would go and worship and study, became a stronghold for anti-Scourge forces after Arthas came through and blew the place up. Unfortunately, being locked off from the rest of the world (and controlled by a demon…shhh…) has made them all crazy, and they’re just attacking everything that moves now.

Graveyard: There’s a Graveyard in Scarlet Monastery?! It’s just a graveyard. There’s ghosts there to kill and a Bloodmage who is raising all the bodies. A portion of it has been converted into a torture chamber. Literally the only reason for running this instance is that it is the home of the Headless Horseman during the Hallow’s End Halloween event.

Library: As one of the foremost centers of education for Humanity’s biggest kingdom, it’s no shocker that Scarlet Monastery has a gigantic library. The library is pretty much unchanged, and there’s quests to go and get rare books out of there. It’s the real “starter” instance for this series.

Armory: It’s an armory. There’s a guy in the middle of it who spins around. That’s about the long and short of it.

Cathedral: It’s the center of operations for the Scarlet Monastery, where the leaders Commander Mograine and Inquisitor Whitemane hang out.

Degree of Difficulty: Easy

Just about everybody has run Scarlet Monestary at least once, and with good reason. It’s a great “starter” instance for both factions, as there are quite a few decent quests with good rewards, it goes fast (especially if you’re only doing one “wing”) and while the bosses and trash provide a good challenge, none of them are anywhere near hard.

The drops were amongst the best for Vanilla at the 20-40 level range, in fact the axe that drops in the armory was a highly desired item for just every two-handed axe weilding player at one time or another. Additionally, plate wearers (especially RPers) were always after the Crusader Set, because it was one of the best looking in the game at that time. Add that up, and it wasn’t hard to find a group that knew this instance inside and out and could fly through every run.

Bosses:

Graveyard:

Interrogator Vishas: You can find him chilling in Old Hillsbrad if you’d like. He’s got a few priest DOTs, but nothing you can’t overcome.

Bloodmage Thalnos: Undead mage. He’s got a shadowbolt and an AoE flame attack, but kind of boring, which is fitting for the boring nothing wing.

Library

Houndmaster Loksey: Difficult mostly because a tank must take on a roomfull of adds in addition to the Houndmaster. He’s skippable though, if you don’t have the tank or crowd control to clear the room. Drops a vanity whistle, which summons one of the hounds to attack for you for a few minutes. It was somehow even more worthless back then than it is now.

Arcanist Doan: No relation to WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Also in Old Hillsbrad. He’s a very annoying at level because of all the skills he has at his disposal. He’s got a silence, an AoE fire attack (that does very high damage), a really annoying bubble, missles, and a Polymorph. You have to kill him to loot the key to get into the higher levels of the instance.

Armory:

Herod: Herod has a lot of HP for a level 37 mob, and he hits hard. He’s got a Whirlwind attack that will probably wipe out most casters who get too close. Keep your health up because after you kill him, you’ll have to clear about 30 low-hp mobs that spawn in the room.

Cathedral:

High Inquisitor Fairbanks: You actually have to go out of your way to find him, but after you clear the Cathedral out, if you pull the torch near the door, it opens a secret room in the first right antechamber, where he is hiding. He’s probably hiding down there because the Scarlet Crusade doesn’t want anybody to know one of their leaders is undead. He’s actually a huge part of the Ashbringer questline from early Vanilla though (that went nowhere, unfortunately). Dude does nothing else, and drops nothing of note.

Commander Mograine: Make sure you clear the trash around him and the Cathedral or it will all aggro when you start this fight. He’s got all your standard paladin abilities that will surely annoy you, including a bubble, and the Hammer of Justice stun. You end up having to fight him twice, because he gets rez’d by Whitemaine during her fight.

High Inquisitor Whitemane: Her name is “Sally?” Really? That’s not very threatening. She’s a standard priestess, so she’ll cast heals on herself and Mograine (once), a shield (once), and a sleep spell (once). She also has Mind Control. It’s possible to kill her before she’s able to get off her sleep spell (or DoT her so she dies during the resurrection event), which bugs the whole fight. You’ll be able to loot her, but never Mograine.

Special Features:

There are a ton of rarespawns that spawn in the Graveyard, though none that are really anything special. There’s also the Headless Horseman (also in the Graveyard) during the weeks leading up to Halloween that is a fun fight and drops some decent gear at whatever iLevel the current .5 tier is at, as well as a flying/ground mount of his horse.

In the days of Vanilla WoW, a scripted event would take place in Scarlet Monastery if a player equipped the Corrupted Ashbringer in the instance. It was honestly one of the coolest things in the game at that point. The mobs would become friendly to the player and treat them as one of the commanders of the Crusade. In the Cathedral, the player would free Fairbanks’ ghost from his Scourged body, and he would then implore them to take the sword to get cleansed in Outlands. The continuation of this quest was never added into the game, and unfortunately the event was removed during the Wrath of the Lich King launch, as by that time (in cannon) High Lord Tirion Fordring had already cleansed the Ashbringer and was weilding it.

Recommended for Levels: 27-45

It’s a right of passage, almost, to play through the wings of Scarlet Monastery at least once. At least the Library, Armory, and Cathedral, the “important” wings. The mobs aren’t hard, the bosses are challenging but not frustrating, and you learn a *lot* about playing your class and your role in a group playing through these three wings. I highly recommend SM for any characters leveling a character up in the earlier levels, especially starting at 30.

YouTube Monday: Just Roo It

May 24, 2010 YouTube No comments

Nike’s new World Cup themed ad campaign has been getting a lot of positive buzz lately. And for good reason. The spot, featuring several World Cup players imagining what life will be like when they win (or lose) the championship is a really fun watch.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for May 15th – 22nd, 2010

May 24, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Lost Is Lost. It’s the end of one of the most confusing television series in history. I never really got into Lost, but I know a bunch of people who were, and a lot of them seem a little disappointed by the whole C.S. Lewis motif going on there att the end.

2. First Facebook, then Hock Show, the the World! (Mwahahaha!) The Russian internet firm which gobbled up $200 million in Facebook shares is said to be in the market for several other internet properties, in the hopes to put Russia on the cutting edge of Internet Technology in 2007. Just to let you know, guys, I’d be willing to sell minority share in HockShow.com for only $150 mil.

3. Interesting Concept of a “Zoo.” The Bin Feng restaurant at the Beijing Zoo has begun selling a…um…”unique” menu. On the docket? Hippo, ant soup, and a deer penis sirloin. I’m not really sure what the implications of selling exotic (and sometimes endangered) animals at a restaurant in a zoo are, but it certainly gives a whole new meaning to the whole “pick what lobster you want to eat” tank.

4. Google Had It’s Best Feature Page Yet. Google’s feature splash pages are always really fun. Usually they put some kind of festive little picture up there that incorporates the Google logo to celebrate a historical birthday or holiday or event. But for the 30th Anniversary of the release of Pac Man, they literally turned the Google logo into a playable version of Pacman. And I wasted a good halfhour playing before I searched for whatever it was I was looking for. Well done.

5. Apple Finally Gets It. Sort of. Apple has finally officially pulled the plug on their long running Mac vs PC ads, starring Justin Long as an insufferably smug Mac and Jonathan Hodgeman as a put upon, grating PC. All that ad ever made me want to do was punch Justin Long, so thanks, Apple.

The Tomb of Sammun-Mak Review

May 21, 2010 Video Games No comments

It’s that time of month again. No, not that time of month, weirdos. It’s Sam and Max time, and after a layoff where I kind of just let the malaise I felt overall about “The Penal Zone” sink in, I was really looking forward to the next episode of this season.

There are some new powers on display, “Astral Projection” an actual projector that runs clips that send you through time and space, and a bunch of mole people that dole out seemingly useless abilities that when used in the right situation or in the right combination, help you solve some of the game’s trickier puzzles. The projector is very dull, sort of a crutch to push you from point to point, but the mole people and their lame powers are the highlight of the game.

The writing, as usual, is extremely well done. The Egyptian setting has been so overdone in so many ways, but Telltale finds little ins and outs everywhere that will get you chuckling. Some of the puzzles are very stiff and awkwardly executed, but they’re few and far between. Most of the more difficult ones can be solved after a few minutes of serious thinking, and leave you feeling pretty good about your puzzle solving abilities.

Extra Features:

No special features to speak of as of yet.

Technical:

The review copy had a list of known bugs attached to it, mostly minor graphical glitches that have already been corrected for the retail version.

Graphics:

Not much new to report on the character front. Most of the new models have a little more visual flair than we’ve seen in the past games, especially over Monkey Island where they seemed to recycle textures way too often. Sam and Max never gets too flashy, but the character hit all the right points, especially the “new” models for Sam and Max themesleves.

Maybe I’m too harsh a critic on this, but I was kind of underwhelmed by the set pieces here. They’re all very well put together in the TellTale style, but they’re not really as eye catching as some of the older sets are. It’s intentially spartan, as a matter of course, but everything feels a little too dry.

Sound:

The Dialog is, as always, very well delivered. The joke writing has always been the cornerstone of the series’ run at Telltale, and the actors really help with their pitch perfect delivery. The new characters (mostly moles and a few villains) are all well performed, though the mole talk gets to be a little much once in a while, mostly because you’re with them for a good chunk of the game.

Once again, the music is atmospherically very good. Telltale’s done a great job of putting together a musical score for their games, though it still feels like it’s missing some of the wit and whimsy of the previous titles. I don’t want to harp on a point, though, really. The music from “The Tomb of Sammun-Mak” is very well done.

Replay Value:

No real reason to go back through unless you think you missed a joke or two in your first playthrough.

Final Score: 7/10

Historically, Telltale’s series usually don’t take off until the third episode, so it sort of does feel like we’re treading a little water from time to time. The jokes are all hilliarious and the game is worth the price of admission just on the strength of the writing and performances, but a lot of the puzzles fall a little flat, and the whole episode has kind of a blah tone to it.

I’ll mention once again that this might be a better pickup for the X-Box or PS3 (or even the iPad, and it’s not like there’s much out for that right now anyway). The control scheme on the PC feels much too rigid and unintuitive for classic adventure gamers, who are the big audience for these games, and it all feels like a bad console port, which is unfortunate because this is supposed to be a PC-first title.

If you’re interested in taking a look at the game, you can download a copy of the PC Demo at the TellTale Website.

RAW Satire for 5/17/10

May 20, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Just when you thought Batista had quit, he took a nap in the middle of the ring. Also, for some reason unknown to everyone, Meatloaf showed up and died. Also, RAW Owner Flava Flav did literally nothing. Maybe our owner will do something…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

No (ads)? Are they trying to kill me?! UGH! Canada? What a perfect place for American Hero Buzz Aldrin to own RAW. Anyway, here’s Bret Hart who is dressed as a member of a terrible baseball team instead of ready for his match. Uh…what’s the deal, Bret?

Bret Hart: I’ll bet you want to know what the deal is? Well, the deal is that I have no idea what “WWE” is, and I’m an old, crippled topless genie with no desire to win a belt, especially not the “United States” title. So basically, I’m pretty much going to go back home now.

Chris Jericho: Laaaaaame. Why did you bother to come out here if you were just going to say that you were leaving?

Hart: Because I’m pretty much an attention whore.

Jericho: That actually makes a lot of sense. So…Let me ask you, Bret…How can I be more like you? I mean really. When I’m 80 years old, I want to have gone through a major downward spiral, become a pants less djin and win a belt from an up and coming star of “The Jersey Shore Goes to Alaska.” How can I do that?

Hart: Chris, look in the mirror. One trip to TNA and you’re already me.

Jericho: Eh. It’s not worth going to TNA for that. I’m already the best guy on all these shows anyway. Dare I say, the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be?

Hart: No, probably not. I’m pretty sure that honor still goes to Val Venis.

Jericho: So you’re still not going to wrestle? Come on, man. It’s The Miz. The Miz! Even you can beat him!

Hart: Naaaaaah.

Jericho: C’mon!

Hart: Ok, you’ve convinced me! Um…something about the Hart Dynasty.

You know what’s hilarious? The Great Khali in a car.

The Great Khali: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Indian Eric Bischoff: Yeah. This is stupid. Let’s move back to India.

Hornswoggle: This makes me want to shop for clothes at WWE.com somehow!

Edge Tian vs. Chris Tian

Oh, when brothers collide! I think! I forget where we’re at with that nowadays. I’m pretty sure I’m just going to say they’re still brothers, regardless of what anybody else says. I mean they have the same last name! So, anyway, Randy Orton booked this match, in lieu of either Vickie Guerrero (who I think quit…again) or Buzz Aldrin (who I think has no idea who any of these people are). I have to admit, I think that Orton could’ve made this harder than Christian. When was the last time this guy actually won a real match? And no, Smackdown doesn’t count. Edge with the Spear for the win.

Randy Orton: Hahaha! Just kiddering! Your real proponent is Takerster!

The Disemvoiced Body of The Undertaker vs. Edge

And Edge is, like, “Um…No.” and then leaves. Well, that’s not very nice. Undertaker teleported himself all the way over to Toronto! He had to go through Teleport Customs, and I don’t know if you’ve ever had to clear that? But it’s horrible. The lines are hundreds deep, and for some reason you can’t wear pants. But you don’t have to declare any produce, so it’s worth it. So what are the chances that Orton bails out on whatever match Edge books for him? Maybe Edge will book Taker!

Backstage….

Maryse: You know, what did Trish Stratus ever do? Get popular and then quit before she got fired? Mickie James wishes she was so lucky. But you know what? She couldn’t speak French! And she didn’t have the world’s worst Twitter account like I do!

Eve Torres: I have no idea what you just said, Frenchie!

And then Eve dumps a bunch of flower on Maryse. She’s a ghost! Ah! Elsewhere….

Buzz Aldrin: Man, I’m so glad I bought Dancing With the Stars! Now they’ll never be able to kick me off. Where’s that dance partner of mine, I’ve got to work on learning how to walk around to music!

Lois Aldrin: I don’t think you’re on that show anymore, dear.

Vickie Guerrero: Hi, I’m actually in charge here.

Buzz: Didn’t you quit though?

Vickie: How would you know that unless you watched the show?

Buzz: I…um…You know what? I walked on the goddamn moon. You shut up your face.

The Bella Twins: Yeah, but you’ll always only be the second guy.

Buzz: That was creepy, and yet so hot. I’m confused. Everybody out. Leave me in peace so I can learn to Fox Trot. Or maybe read some Fox Trot.

Mark Henry vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Dave comes out and whacks Henry in the face with a 2×4, and then tosses into the steps. Have I mentioned lately how much I’m going to miss Thetista? Because this is pretty much exactly how I would resolve a potential match against Mark Henry too. Our little guy has grown up a lot over the years. I mean, his favorite book is still the A-Z Picture Encyclopedia, but we’ve come a long way. Then Dave gets a spotlight, walks into the ring, yawns, and then leaves. Match of the Year Candidate.

Ted DiBiase (w/ Virgil) vs. Yoshi Tatsu

Man, kind of an anticlimactic end to the 2010 Miss Virgil Competition. I mean, we didn’t even get to the evening gown event. Seriously, though, I’m guessing that after he got shot down last month, the guy put together a hell of a resume. One of his references was Ted DiBiase! Where do you go wrong with that? And who has more experience dealing with the zero fans Ted has than Virgil? Virgil is the perfect Virgil. I’m just surprised it took us this long to figure that out. I mean, yes, it feels a little like Tyra Banks declaring herself America’s Next Top Model, or Gordon Ramsey winning Hells Kitchen or Justin Credible coming out on top on X-Factor, but Virgil being cast as Virgil just feels right, you know? DiBiase wins with…I don’t know, I stopped paying attention ten minutes ago. After the match, Ted tells R-Truth that he probably would’ve won, but Ventriloquist Rapping isn’t really a “talent” per se.

Backstage….

The Miz: Man, even I should be able to beat Bret Hart, right?

Chris Jericho: I wouldn’t bet on it. No, really, you shouldn’t bet on wrestling.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here and I’m standing by with The Miz, and Miz I have to ask you-

The Miz: No you don’t.

Mathews: Fair enough.

Miz: First I’m going to beat Bret Hart, then I’m going to beat up the Hart Dynasty, and then I’m going to buy their house and loan it to MTV for The Real World: Calgary, the most boring Real World yet. And they’re going to turn The Dungeon into a den for playing beer pong!

Bret Hart: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Miz vs. Bret Hart
For the WWE United Stat Title

Bret gives his glasses away to a 30 year old guy in the crowd. That guy’s been waiting twenty years for this moment! Miz brings out Kozlov and Regal to counteract the Hart Dynasty, but the Hart Dynasty comes out anyway because nobody is afraid of Kozlov and Regal. And sure enough, they just take them out and leave. Thanks for coming out tonight, guys! Jericho is out to see what’s going on, but he’s headed off by Natalya, which doesn’t last very long, because she’s a girl. So the Hart Dynasty comes back out to fend off Jericho. There’s not much wrestling going on here. I kind of forgot that Bret was in the match. In fact, so did Bret, and when he finally wakes up out of his stupor, he just tosses Miz down and puts on the Sharpshooter for the win. Um…yay? Bret Hart is the new U.S. Champion. In Canada. Bret makes out the title as is his wont.

Santino Marella is the most irritating man in the world. I’ve got nothing more about that, I just wanted you to know.

Michelle McCool, Layla El, and Maryse vs. The Bella Twins and Eve Torres

I was going to make a hilarious comment about wondering why Buzz would’ve picked this particular group of Divas to wrestle tonight, but then I realized that these are pretty much the best wrestlers left. I feel like I’m slighting Kelly Kelly Kelly somehow there, but I can’t figure out where or how. Even though she basically insulted all of Canada and called out Canadian God of Yoga Trish Stratus earlier, Maryse gets a huge cheer, because Canadians will cheer for anything vaguely Canadian. How else do you explain the enduring popularity of Bryan Adams? It’s too bad he died, or we could’ve brought Kronik back. Maryse beats Nikki with a DDT. After the match, Eve Torres still looks perplexed that she’s the Diva’s Champion.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you why in the world did you go on Twitter and try to defend how boring you are?

John Cena: Josh, let me defend my Tweet with the following freestyle rap-

Mathews: No. Because your tweet was about how you weren’t ever going to rap on TV ever again.

Cena: Did I say that?

Mathews: Yep. You then went on to say that you wanted Justin Bieber to appear on your next album.

Cena: Remind me to fire my official Tweeter.

Tough Enough Jessie: NOOOOO! WAAAAAAAH!

Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger

Man, I guess Edge must’ve really felt bad about bailing on that Undertaker match, because he’s letting Orton off reeeeally easily here. Randy doesn’t do the obvious thing here, and decide to not even bother with the match. I’m pretty sure this is mostly because he still wants to beat the crap out of Jack Swagger, and for that I can’t really blame him. I think I’ve figured out what the problem with Face Orton is. He can’t do a CHINLOCK~! Because that’s a heel move. But that effectively cuts his moveset in half. Swagger looks like he’s teetering on the verge of falling over, but Edge runs in and holds him up. That’s a DQ, according to WWE RAW Referee John Cone, who is apparently a real stickler for the rules now. Edge with the Spear on Orton, but in doing so he has to let go of Swagger, who falls over. Orton wins!

Here’s Buzz Aldrin! What’s up, Buzz?

Buzz Aldrin: I don’t know what this show is or what it’s about. I honestly haven’t watched any television since Matlock Babies. I only bought it because that little man from the UFO wearing a clock told me this was Dancing with the Stars. I walked on the moon! Did you know that?

Zach Ryder: Silly old man, don’t you know they faked that? They filmed all your stuff in a desert in Arizona. It doesn’t even look halfway real anymore. I could whip up a better looking moon landing on my iPhone. In fact, I did.

I have to admit, it looks pretty good. Except for the big tree in the background.

Ryder: I filmed that at the Hart Mansion, which I won’t buy. Partly because I hate Canada, but mostly because I can’t afford it.

Buzz: I’m going to…I…um…?

Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox vs. Evan Bourne and Gail Kim (w/ Buzz Aldrin)

Hahaha poor Buzz. Lines are really hard to remember! Anyway, this feud started last week when Gail Kim got really confused as to why she was hanging out with Zack Ryder in the first place, so then she stopped, and glommed onto the closest guy available. Unfortunately for her, it was Evan Bourne. Gail Kim just cannot win in life, can she? I’m still pretty stunned that Zack Ryder is under contract. Woo Woo indeed. Gail hits her move on Alicia (That’s Her Move!) for the win. Buzz moonwalks back up the ramp.

And now, here’s Goldust on a blind date.

Goldust: Does my dress make you uncomfortable?

Blind Lady: I’m blind. How the hell should I know?

Goldust: Ffffffffpt! Goldust!

Sheamus vs. John Cena

Sheamus has a very impressive…what is it two? One and a half? Match winning streak over Cena. All things considered that actually is pretty impressive. I think I’ve only beat Cena twice myself, and I’ve only been around for eight years or whatever. He’s still got weird hair and he’s translucent. The guys go back and forth for a while, while the crowd in Toronto kind of just groans in unison with the action, because while they definitely don’t want to cheer for Cena, the alternative is cheering for Sheamus, and that’s a road that nobody really wants to go down. Cena finally takes control of the match at the one hour mark, and pushes him outside. Then “Dave” Batista “Davidson” runs to the ring and drops Cena on his head. Because he’s awesome. That’s a DQ, by the way. Then Dave locks in the Crossface on Cena, because he’s not afraid to get fired for stealing a dead murder’s move.

Next Week: Jon Lovitz buys RAW, because nothing quite says “Marketing to a younger generation” than back to back to back weeks of Flavor Flav, Buzz Aldrin, and Jon Lovitz. Also, Bret Hart suddenly remembers that he’s too good for the United States Title. And the Ghost of Meatloaf Past comes back to haunt Randy Orton and make a delicious breakfast sandwich.

American Idol ’10: Top Three Perform

May 19, 2010 American Idol No comments

Everybody’s from some weird town! Two people are from the Midwest! You would think I would miss Mike Lynche, but you would be wrong. I still miss Siobhan. Could you imagine? She’d show up to her home town and nobody would be there. Just a bunch of people milling around going, “Oh, look, it’s that strange girl.”

The amount that Simon is over with this show is palpable. I think it’s suffocating the other judges. Randy’s reverted back to being Mr. Rodgers, Ellen is dressed like a ten year old boy, which she kind of is I guess. And Kara…I can’t really complain about it or make fun of it because it’s just a shirt. Simon’s covered his cleavage!

So here’s the deal, the contestants pick a song, and then one of the judges pick a song for them. The judges picks usually end up being hilariously bad (even worse was when Nigel Lythgoe used to pick them because he barely even paid attention), but the contestant picks range from clueless to amazing. Hell, singing “Heartless” last year basically won Kris Allen the competition.

And that competition? Is American Idol.

(Idol Drinking Game for Tonight: Every time Lee makes his creepy dead eyes right at the camera.)

Casey James
Contestant‘s Choice: “Ok It‘s Alright with Me” by Eric Hutchinson
Why?: Because even I could‘ve written this song.
The Performance:
He’s dressed like a substitute teacher. That can’t be good. Also not very good is his guitar playing tonight, which is weird because that’s the one thing he does really well. I think it’s just turned way down, and it doesn’t help that he’s playing an accoustic.

The song is that one song, where he announces it and you have no idea, but then he sings it, and you’re like, “Oh…THAT song.” It’s basically that one line over and over and over again too, so I have no idea why we didn’t know it right off the bat. Randy zings him (!) with the “It was just alright with me” before Simon can jump on it.
The Judges Say: You’re singing salad at this point.
I Say: He’s given up on the level of Jason Castro.
Score: 0
Change: -1

Crystal Bowersox
Contestant‘s Choice: “Come to My Window” by Melissa Ethridge
Why?: Oh, come on. Of course she did.
The Performance:
Breaking out the harmonica straight off the bat. She should’ve sang some Blues Traveler. I’m digging her weird necklace which starts one way, goes another, and then just randomly zigzags all the hell over the place until it explodes in her cleavage. The rest of her outfit is terrible, though.

Other than the awesome harmonica, which makes any night, this is patent Crystal boring performance. She just sings it like Melissa Ethridge, because that’s totally who she’s going to be, and Ellen jumps all over that. It’s good enough to get her to the finals, but she’s just sleepwalking through the competition right now.
The Judges Say: That wasn’t very good, but all you’re looking to do is coast.
I Say: Not a huge fan, but it wasn’t terrible. Much like Crystal all year.
Score: +7
Change: +/- 0

Lee DeWyze
Contestant‘s Choice: “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Why?: Because he‘s a simple man! Vote for him because he‘s so simple!
The Performance:
I think Lee is faking his guitar playing, because the guitar on the song sounds absolutely nothing like the little acoustinc number he’s got going. I see he borrowed and shrank down one of Big Mike’s bomber jackets for this performance. I’m a big fan of that. I’ve thought about it and Id much rather have Mike here than Lee.

The music is way more interesting than the singing, which is par for the course with Mr. DeWyze. The judges try to propel confidence on stage at him, but all he does is stare blankly into the audience and look confused. Oh, Lee. The sign of a true champion! Kara’s sold on the whole “Simple Man” concept though, so much that she’s ready to hand him the Bowersox trophy. I don’t know. I guess I don’t get it.
The Judges Say: You just crushed the other performers. You crushed a girl. Hope you’re happy.
I Say: Zzzzz…What? Guitar riff? Oh, that’s not Casey. Zzzzzz….
Score: +2
Change: +/- 0

Casey James
Judge‘s Choice: “Daughters” by John Mayer
Randy and Kara‘s Reasoning: John Mayer is also a womanizer.
The Performance:
They’re just giving him the license to phone it in, except that Kara basically tells him, “Hey, maybe enough girls will vote for you to put you through!” I doubt it, but ok. His “Hometown visit package” is awesomely just clipped to him standing in front of an AT&T store with about ten other people. Get used to this feeling, Casey.

He has no idea what to do with this song, you can tell he’s super uncomfortable with it. Why in the hell they didn’t give him something with wicked guitar riffs or something is beyond me. Oh wait, that’s right. Because he has no chance for winning. He reaches the high point of the song and is just like, “Uhhhhhhhhh?” and then he spends the next minute just jamming out. Well, good for him there, I guess? But that was awful. The judges are all about it, though, because they’re trying to shoehorn him into this, and that’s their bad. Simon basically says that.
The Judges Say: The climax was missing, and that was our bad.
I Say: Deliberate sabotage because they’d hate for him to win! Not that it would’ve mattered!
Score: -1
Change: -1

Crystal Bowersox
Judge‘s Choice: “Maybe I‘m Amazed” by Paul McCartney
Ellen‘s Reasoning: I really wanted her to sing something not so boring.
The Performance:
Funny moment when Colin Hanks accidentally totally blocks another guy from his show from appearing on TV. Crystal’s AT&T appearance is much better attended, for what it’s worth. Including a guy in a Mohawk who looks sort of pissed that he can’t get in to pick up his phone, and Lawrence Fishburn, who I think is still looking for the Matrix.

Let’s face it, Ellen picked this song because they deemed that they hadn’t gotten enough use out of the McCartney songbook this year. I think there’s a quota. Crystal doesn’t handle the choppy sections or the high notes very well, because that’s not really her thing. But she does a good job belting out the power notes, and the ending was well put together. I’m still not really blown away with her, even this late into the season, but she deserves to win, and this was way better than earlier.
The Judges Say: That was really good enough to get you into the finals.
I Say: I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. See you next week.
Score: +8
Change: +1

Lee DeWyze
Judge‘s Choice: “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen
Simon‘s Reasoning?: I suddenly want Lee to win for some reason.
The Performance:
Ah, a Tim Urban cover! No? Why does Simon have it out for this song the past couple years? I don’t know, maybe it’s just something he needs to get out of his system before X-Factor. What did we learn from Lee’s clip? He’s cool enough for a private jet, but not AT&T, and Simon texts like a ten year old girl.

Vocally it’s great, and the closest thing Idol will have to a “moment” this year (though it’s still miles behind Kelly Clarkson’s last few weeks, Carrie Underwood doing “Alone” or even Kris Allen on “Heartless” and Blake Lewis doing “You Give Love a Bad Name.” The choir really helps, but kind of out sing him, and Lee’s still as interesting as watching Melinda Doolittle watch paint dry, but it’s his best performance by miles.
The Judges Say: You might just win this thing for some reason.
I Say: Great song, great singing, but no matter how hard they try, I just don’t care.
Score: +4
Change: +2

Out: Casey James

There is literally no doubt this week. This should barely count, because this is the easiest guess I’ve ever made for this show. Is there a chance for a shocking elimination? Err…well…No. Probably not. I mean, as funny as I think it would be for Lee to get Elliot Yamin’d, considering

YouTube Monday: YouTube Kidz Bop

May 19, 2010 YouTube No comments

This video’s been making all the rounds, and now I’m throwing it up here.

This kid’s version of Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi is pretty good, yeah. But the best part of the whole thing is the girl’s in the audience. Half of them think it’s stupid, and the other half think it’s awesome.

Bonus points to the girl in the top left who can’t wait until the song is over so she can run down and make out with him.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for May 9th -15th, 2010

May 17, 2010 Weekend Top Five One comment

1. Facebook Is Under Attack. Again. For Something. So the Facebook Matrix made a bunch of stuff public again thanks to a change in the terms of service.None of which was any different than the last time. But just remember to click the boxes again.

2. BP Inserted Their Tube in a Hole. In the hopes that they can pump out what oil from their pipeline hasn’t already killed all the ocean life in the Gulf of Mexico, British Petroleum inserted a tube into a hole. Pump on, little tube. Pump on.

3. Disney Closing Star Tours. It was announced this week that Disney is closing it’s 20 year old Star Wars ride. A lot of people (myself included) have very fond memories of the ride, but even I have to admit it’s pretty jacked up nowadays. They’re going to be rolling out a “3-D Podrace Simulator” in 2011. The prequels ruin everything!

4. That Unspellable Volcano Still Destroying Europe. The ash from Icelandic volcano Eyjajkjlpbljaukfo or whatever it’s called is still floating slowly over Europe, stopping air travel once again. Not that people in Europe have anywhere to go, but geez. Enough already, volcano!

5. NBC Gets the Axe Out. Gone are cult show Heroes (a favorite of mine) and Law and Order, which after 500 seasons, will end one season short of the record set by Gunsmoke in 200 BC. NBC officials have said that they’re willing to give both crews a chance to write a proper series ending in the form of a 2-hour TV movie if they’d like. How generous.

World of Warcraft: Gnomeregan

May 13, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

Probably better that I do this one soon, because it might be changing for good in a few months.

Lore:

The Gnomes built a huge, sprawling technically advanced city under the mountains of Dun Morogh. Everything was great until one day, Mekgineer Thermaplugg decided to take over. He unleashed a mountain of Troggs and convinced the Gnomes to detonate a radiation bomb to clear the place out.

Alot of the gnomes bailed out, but a bunch got caught in the blast. There’s even a pocket of them that created a mini-town halfway through the instance. Whatever gnomes were left packed up and moved to Ironforge.

So now, the place is completely irradiated and pretty much empty, and Thermaplugg rules over…whatever it is that he rules over down there. The slimes?

Degree of Difficulty: Hard

Gnomeregan is one of those instances that you’ll do once, and swear off doing ever again. The quests there are annoying, the place is crawling with mobs, it’s sprawling, somewhat confusing, and for level appropriate characters it can take hours to crawl through. And God forbid you accidentally wander into one of the crowds, and pull an alarm bot or a mass of gnomes.

The bosses aren’t all that difficult, actually. It’s funny in that way, and it has the benefit of having a place for Alliance characters to mail and repair. And the drops (for their level) are very good. But I’ve never met a single person who has said they enjoyed running Gnomer, or thought it was a smooth instance.

Bosses:

Viscious Fallout: A big Radioactive elemental. Easy to bypass as he just spawns amongst the other mobs in the room, and doesn’t pull any differently from any of them.

Grubbis and Chomper: A Trogg and basalisk combo that is the “boss” of a quest event that happens in Gnomer, and is entirely skippable. A very simple fight without much effort.

Electrocutioner 6000: A spider tank that drops the key to the second half of the instance (and the back door). Has a hard hitting electric attack, but not a difficult fight.

Crowd Pummeler 9-60: An elite robot which spawns oddly, and is entirely optional. Another very easy boss fight amongst an extremely annoying room full of adds.

Mekgineer Thermaplugg: A very difficult fight at the appropriate level. He has electric attacks, a knockback, and adds in the form of bombs which lock on to specific party members. You can run around the room and turn off the bomb dispensors, but this is a long fight nonetheless.

Special Features:

A few quests start inside the instance, and there’s one long scripted Trogg event in one of the side paths. The town with vendors and a mailbox is a neat in-instance feature that I sort of wish more instances had. A rarespawn boss (that I’ve never seen despite dozens of runthroughs) in the Dark Iron Ambassador.

These days, the biggest reason to run Gnomer is to get a few of the great drops. The Hydrocane (from Viscious Fallout) is a staff that allows Water Breathing when equipped, which is obviously helpful even at 80. Fused Wiring drops here (though there’s a recipe to create it these days). Also, the engineering patterns for Lil’ Smoky and the Bombling only drop from Gnomeregan mobs.

Recommended for Levels: 24-30

I can’t recommend that anybody run Gnomer, really. Ok, you’ll probably have to at least once, but wait until you’re 70-80 and you can just plow through without thinking. Because this place is huge, boring, and extremely annoying. It’s not that the instance is difficult, necessarily, just not really any fun. You’ll want to pick up some of the unique drops here eventually, but until then, leave Gnomeregan to the Troggs.

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