Last Night: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” was thrown off a car by John Cena which makes him about the 40,000 guy to have that happen to him. Randy Orton managed to fall over while he was posing, so he won the match, but lost his arm. And Bret Hart didn’t even bother to have a match. Maybe he’ll have one…TONIGHT!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am a MUMMY! I got thrown off a CAR! I am going to QUIT! And then I am going to SUE! No one should have to wrestle under CONTRACT!
Bret Hart: Hi, I’m not Abraham Washington, which is probably for the best. I’m also the new RAW General Manager.
Batista: Who is Abraham WASHINGTON?
Hart: I honestly don’t care. Look, I just think it would be really hilarious if you and Randy Orton fought each other in a cripple vs. cripple match tonight. I mean, think about it, The Mummy vs. the One Armed Man! Not since mid-’90s WCW has the wrestling world been so hard up for ideas.
Batista: What about Kaiju Big BATTEL?
Hart: Bless you.
Batista: I quit for real this TIME! Have fun without any MONEY!
Hart: Let’s give it up one more time for Thetista!
Mark Henry vs. Sheamus
In a Fatal Four Way Qualifying Match
Ah yes, World Title Contender Mark Henry. I’ve missed you, buddy! It seems like you’re always getting all your big breaks in Toledo. And Sheamus too, I guess. Did we ever figure out why Sheamus was in main events? It’s the hair, right? It’s got to be the hair. One day, somebody at Titan Towers said, “Oh my God, there are just not enough gingers at the top of the card.” My money is on Linda. Somewhere, Lash LaRoux is crying. Though that has nothing to do with this. He’s just crying because every day he has to wake up and still be Lash LeRoux. That’s a lot to digest, so Sheamus just finishes things off with a Bicycle Kick (the Finisher of Champions!) for the win.
Hey, it’s the guy the kids are all talking about (in 1987, and really we weren’t talking about him then either), Jon Lovitz! He’s got a telephone! I’m trying to make this more exciting! Is it working?!
Jon Lovitz: Hello, Mr. McMahon! I imagine that you’re rolling in the dough from your cameo appearance in the blockbuster hit MacGruber, and…it made how much? Ugh! That’s less money than I Could Never Be Your Woman, my latest film now on DVD made! I shouldn’t be surprised, though. In fact a friend of mine just did a review of MacGruber….
Jay Sherman: It stinks.
Lovitz: Jay Sherman everybody! It’s…it’s still 1995, right? Somebody will get that? No. Oh. Well.
Maryse: You! Filthy pig man! What are you doing here?
Lovitz: Promoting my new Comedy Club and trying to score a date! Santino said this would be a piece of cake. Even he got to make out with Maria!
Maryse: Nobody would date a fat ugly slob like you!
Lovitz: Did I mention that I’m filthy rich?
Elsewhere…Wait, why are there two offices?
Edge: So, I mean, we’re both Canadian, right? And I rid the show of its Randy Orton problem. So just go ahead and put me in the match.
Bret Hart: You know, I must admit, Edge, I never noticed just how weird you looked until I got up close. What’s the deal with your eyes, man? I mean…I’m the king of weird looking wrestlers, but geez….
Chris Jericho: Gentlemen, after my star turn in MacGruber, which no doubt toppled box office records this weekend on its way to Avatar-like money, I’m quitting wrestling again and going back into acting full time.
Edge: You know, MacGruber only made $4.50, right Chris? And that was from a confused old guy who thought he was seeing a movie about McGruff. You know. The crime dog?
Hart: Really? McGruff? What is this, 1995?
Lovitz: That’s what I’m banking on!
Jericho: Four dollars?! How could this happen?
Edge: I know, right? I mean, that’s not enough to pay Ryan Phillipe’s left eyebrow! Even that terrible Highlander movie I was in made in the high hundreds of dollars!
Jericho: This was supposed to be my gravy train out of this station! NOOOOOO!
Hart: Anyway, it’s going to be the two of you versus Cena in a triple threat, and the winner moves on into the Fatal Fourway at whatever this PPV is called.
Edge: So if Cena loses he’s out of the match?
Hart: Um…sure? And then he’ll just have a different title match at the show.
Jericho: Damn that Cena!
Maryse and Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim and Eve Torres
I guess this is some sort of continuation of that Gail/Alicia feud. I’m still not exactly sure why they’re feuding over Zack Ryder, but I can only assume it has something to do with the “Woo Woo” headband. Girls got to accessorize. Can you believe that Eve is still the Diva’s champion? It’s especially disconcerting because I can’t remember a single match that Eve’s ever had. Including this one right now. I guess Maryse won with a DDT or something? I don’t know.
Backstage, The Miz and R-Truth are trying to forget that last match.
The Miz vs. R-Truth
For the WWE United States Title
Bret’s getting soft in his old age if he’s letting Miz have another title shot, didn’t he just spend, like, two months trying to get the belt off of him? Miz even gets on the mic and says that he doesn’t get it, which is never a good sign. R-Truth, meanwhile, is still trying to figure out “What’s up?” I get the feeling he’ll never learn. I sort of enjoy it more than “Gettin’ Rowdy” though, because there’s less moving of thangs this way. Trust me, when you get to my age, thangs start moving that you don’t want to move when you’re gettin’ rowdy.
I’ve been trying to figure out the lyrics to Truth’s theme and so far all I’ve come up with is “People with hands what’s up? Bananarama in your pants, what’s up?” Truth’s a little too young to remember Bananarama, right? Holy crap, I just looked it up and they’re still around! Who do they think they are? Diversity Five? Now there was a power group worthy of writing a really terrible theme song about. I’d wonder aloud what they’re up to these days, but I don’t know if I want to know. Truth with his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. We have a new U.S. Champion! What’s up?
Backstage. WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena.
WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John earlier tonight Batista quit. Doesn’t that make you a little sad? I mean, he was the best thing this show had.
John Cena: Josh, once his movie career tanks as bad as mine has, he’ll be back. So, that’d be in, like two months or so. In the meantime, I have to deal with every Archie, Jugghead, and…um…Veronica coming after my WWE Spinnin’ Title.
Sheamus: Oh, can I be Veronica?!
Cena: I’m pretty sure you would be Archie there, red.
Jericho: I always saw myself as more of a Betty.
Edge: I want to be Josie and the Pussycats.
Cena: I forgot to get my new catchphrase in there somewhere. “Cenation.” There it is. Buy the T-Shirt.
Jon Lovitz is in the ring with The Bellas.
Jon Lovitz: Anybody want to buy some Dodgers tickets? Only $100,000! Haha! No? Damn. Anyway, I loved that segment that Sharon and Ozzy did that everybody hated so much, that I decided to do it again!
Bella Twins: What a brilliant idea, Jon.
Lovitz: I haven’t been this turned on and turned off since I beat the hell out of Andy Dick.
First up? The Great Khali and Indian Eric Bischoff.
The Great Khali and Indian Eric Bischoff:
‘Cuz we’re leaaaAAGHKTKDLO!
On a jeaaKKO PLKDKJDDFF!
Don’t know whEEEYDDSOOY!
Lovitz: It stinks! Haha, seriously though, folks, I haven’t been that offended since I played Satan on Saturday Night Live.
Bellas: Do you know Andy Samberg?
Lovitz: No, I was on SNL in the ‘80s.
Bellas: Ew. You’re old.
Jillian Hall: I-
Lovitz: Haha! Everybody saw that coming. What about you, sir, do you have a hidden talent?
Jerry “” Lawler: I can take out all my teeth!
And he does. Gross!
Ted DiBiase: Jerry! Jerry! How much for those teeth? Virgil here has been consisting on nothing but Hot Pockets and Red Bull for the last fifteen years of his life, and he needs a new set.
Lovitz: Look at this guy! He has a belt!
DiBiase: Look at this guy! He’s got no hair!
DiBiase and Virgil try to steel Jerry’s dentures, but Virgil is waylaid by Santino. It’s pretty sad when Santino is higher on the food chain than you, Virgil. DiBiase with Dream Street on Santino (That’s His Move!), and he grabs the teeth and runs off.
Lovitz: There’s your winner, folks, that guy! And his prize was Jerry Lawler’s teeth. Sorry, Jerry.
William Regal and Vladamir Kozlov vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya)
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles
Remember when the Hart Dynasty intercepted Regal and Kozlov before they could interfere in the Bret/Miz match last week? No? Well, me neither, but apparently it happened. Somewhere, Ezekiel Jackson is really sad that he can’t get in on this action. That stable was the best part of the ECW that I never watched. Wasn’t Tough Enough Jessie the GM of that show? No wonder. Are the titles actually on the line here? Oh who am I kidding, it’s not like it’s going to matter. And sure enough, Tyson with a…that wasn’t a Hart Attack, but close enough. The Dynasty wins! But wait! Here’s Two Guys and a Girl! Just like The Hart Dyansty! They’re Samoan! They do splashes on the Hart Dynasty! I still have no idea what’s going on here!
WWE Diva Josh Matthews is backstage with…Some dudes. I don’t know.
WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here and I’m standing by with these guys. Guys, who the hell are you?
Heath Slater: We’re the final four contestants on WWE NXT, the “reality” show to determine which of us eventually jobs to Wade Barrett in the finals.
Wade Barrett: It’s not going to be you, buddy. There’s only room for one weird looking redhead on the roster.
David Otunga: I have sex with Jennifer Hudson.
Justin Gabriel: I have no idea what I’m doing here. You guys? What’s going on?
Mathews: Yes, a real batch of winners we’ve chosen. Tune in tomorrow for more of these dorks. Or…you know…don’t.
Michael Cole: I am literally going to kill Daniel Bryanson for not friending me on Facebook.
Chris Jericho: I don’t know. I just really thought I’d just be able to retire on my phat MacGruber royalties and finally get away from jobbing to Cena and Triple H every week.
Edge: You really should’ve known better than to trust anything with “Starring Will Forte” in the credits.
Jericho: Now you tell me. So where do you put our chances of beating Cena tonight?
Edge: I’m at least 1/10th responsible for the broken arm of one of the guys in the match. You’re currently in a feud with an old, crippled topless genie and his bratty nephews. You figure it out.
John Cena: Cenation! Seriously, you guys, I’m totally getting those T-Shirts printed off. Buy, like, four.
Apparently, Ashton Kutcher just bought RAW. Demi’s going to be so mad that he’s wasting their money.
Chris Jericho vs. Edge vs. John Cena
In a Fatal Four Way Qualifying Match
I love that Mark Henry and Sheamus had a better chance of getting into this match than Edge or Jericho. And Orton basically got a free pass, even though he’s not even going to be able to do anything but stand around. Not that that’s any different than usual, but come on. Jericho goes for the walls about ten seconds in, but that’s not going anywhere. Edge has just kind of disappeared for the early portion of the match, which is either sound strategy, or he’s gone backstage to make himself a snack. Either way, he’s the early favorite.
Edge is back in the ring, sandwich crumbs hanging in his beard. I’m no scientific expert, but I think that looks like salami on rye. A decent choice. Everybody just kind of mills around the ring for ten minutes, and then starts going for all their finishers all at once, which just ends with a twisted pile of elbows, knees, and Cenation T-shirts in the middle of the ring. That’s Their Move? Edge’s left forearm is on top of Jericho’s right earlobe, so that’s enough for the win. Edge is GOING TO WHATEVER PPV THIS IS! Sheamus is out to kick some fools, but Randy Orton intercepts him, and spends the next half hour asking Sheamus if he grants wishes and trying to get him to look at his gross arm.
Next Week: Somebody accidentally gets a paper cut, causing the show to be stopped for nearly an hour. Also, Jon Lovitz shows up again, because dude just doesn’t know when to let go. And Randy Orton breaks his leg while walking backstage.