Last Week: Wayne Brady literally did have to choke a bitch. Also, Edge tried so hard to hate Randy Orton that he passed out. Orton wins! And I could’ve sworn John Cena did something, but I can’t remember what. Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!
We open with Randy Orton, and he has a mic. This is not a good way to start. Oh well, let’s get this over with.
Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the NYSE Girl’s Chocolatechip. Hedge, I know you’re bark’s page, and I won’t fighter you! Not until there’s a typo on the line!
And now here’s Meatloaf. Really? What the hell?
Meatloaf: Hey! Randy! It’s me! Meatloaf! I had nothing better to do tonight, so I decided to come out here and sing a couple songs!
Orton: Meathook! The best digger of my life! I’d love to eep you!
Meatloaf: THE MOOSE IS LOOSE, RANDY! I am the moose, and I am loose.
Orton: I would neverer trade you for haggeris.
Meatloaf: Maybe this could be your new theme song!
And I would do anything for love!
I’d run to Parts Unknown and back!
I would o anything for love!
But I won’t fight Edge!
No, nooooo! I won’t fight Edge!
Orton: Singeing food! I am a maze!
Meatloaf: Not that one? Huh? Man, I still had about twenty minutes of that song left. Ok, how about this one!
I hear voices in my head,
They talk to me,
They tell me to buy “Hang Cool with Teddy Bear”
Hang Cool with Teddy Bear!
Meatloaf passes out from the exertion. Orton wins!
Orton: Now there’s laugh overs!
Edge: Dude. You killed Meatloaf. This is what I. Do. Not. Understand. You just killed a Rock Icon. Meatloaf!! The guy is a god amongst men, and you just forced him to overwork himself and fall over. And you’re the face! Can a girl get a salad here?! If I were to bring out, say, Phil Collins and punk him out, I’d get thrown out of WWE! But you? You’ll probably get a bonus for this!
Orton: You sure do love Meathook!
Edge: I’ve had just about enough of this! And there’s only one solution! The return of General Manager Vickie Guerrero!
Vickie Guerrero: Thank you, Edge. Giving you that afghan in the divorce was certainly worth it if you got me hired for this job! Guys, I’m not going to lie. I don’t exactly have a great track record for sticking around in these jobs lately. But I have a feeling this one’s going to stick! At least until Summerfest!
Orton: Vinnie Gordita! My nermalsis!
Vickie: Your nermalsis indeed! And tonight, in that very ring, you will take on Edge and a partner of his choosing in a handicap match!
Edge: That’ll teach you for ending the career of last generation’s Susan Boyle!
Backstage, Chris Jericho and The Miz (Team Name: Sealab 2022) are eating Chex Mix. Mmm!
The Pittsburgh Steelers are in the crowd. Ben Roethlisberger, however, is not, so they manage not to rape anybody.
Chris Jericho vs. David Hart Smith (w/ Natalya)
Apparently, if Jericho wins this then he and Miz (Team Name: Drinking with the Stars) will get a tag title shot at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE We Ran Out of PPV Names. If The Canadian Bulldog wins, he gets a wrestling column on a website people actually read again. So, there’s a lot at stake here. Smith locks in a Sharpshooter, which makes no sense, because That’s Not His Move, but whatever. Maybe everybody even remotely associated with the Harts is doing it now. Jericho gets bored with this all a few minutes later, and hits the Codebreaker for the win. Poor Bulldog!
Edge: I don’t get it! You know? How in the hell does he get away with it? I have sex with Lita, and suddenly I’m vilified for life. He kills Meatloaf, and everything’s forgiven ten seconds later!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I love MEATLOAF!
Edge: Are you even listening to me?
Batista: I do not get paid ENOUGH!
R-Truth (w/ Flava Flav) vs. William Regal
Commentary of the night:
Flava Flav: YEEEEEAH BOOOOOOY!
Apparently, Flava sold one of his clocks to buy the show, but this is all the screen time he gave himself. Meatloaf got more screen time. Which I guess I don’t mind, because it’s delicious, but it’s kind of silly for him to even be here tonight. He should’ve had a match against Vickie or something. And it doesn’t even matter, because The Colons hit the ring about ten seconds later and start beating up R-Truth for the DQ. Ted DiBiase comes out and hands them each a wad of cash. You can’t have two Next Top Virgils! And why aren’t the Colons fighting anymore? Feuding Colons sounds painful, actually.
Did you know Eve Torres is a trained Jiu-Jitsu fighter? Did you care? Why hasn’t that helped her in the ring? Meanwhile, Maryse is training in pit fighting with Tough Enough Jessie. She starts asking questions in French, however, and T.E. Jessie runs off in tears.
Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.
WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton. And Randy, who do you think is going to be Edge’s mystery partner tonight?
Randy Orton: Sledge’s mysterio partier will be me!
Mathews: Randy, that doesn’t make any sense. You’re his opponent tonight.
Orton: Yeah, and I’ll neverer see me comering.
Mathews: You don’t want to guess, say Thetista, or maybe even for comedy, Meatloaf?
Orton: Norp. It’s going to be me, John.
Hey, everybody! It’s an old man!
Buzz Aldrin: My fifteen hundred years of fame aren’t up! I just bought this show, and RAW is going to the moon!
Mark Henry then lays out a 900 year old man with a chairshot.
Mark Henry: Hey, it worked for Orton!
Evan Bourne vs. Zack Ryder (w/ Alicia Fox and Gail Kim)
Zack Ryder says “Woo Woo” and then threatens to blow up the arena. Man, people are really worked up about the whole Mickie James thing. Zack could end up getting banned from WWE events for life! If only, right?! Sorry, Zack Ryder fans! Er…Fan. Oh, who are we kidding. None of us is sorry. Alicia tries to distract Evan, but Gail pulls her off. That’s what you get for dating a face and hell Diva, Zack. Evan with the flippy thing off the top (That’s His Move!) for the win.
John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO! YOOOO! YOOOOOOOO!
Gonna be taking on TheTista,
A guy who already quit,
But in what kind of match?
Maybe a battle of wits?
I don’t think it matters,
Last month, he jobbed to tape!
Maybe we’ll fight with magic,
Like Dumbledore vs. Snape!
But this is a wrestling show,
Things gotta stay real,
A one on one contest,
Between the face and heel.
It’s gonna be awesome,
At WWE Whatever We Call It
Cena versus TheTista,
One on one in an I Quit!
Got the Spinnin’ Title,
Mourning Meatloaf’s career,
But it will be all right,
BECAUSE THE CHAMP IS-
Sheamus: Hi, everybody? What’s going on out here?
Cena is furious that his big finale was interrupted, but before he can adequately chastise Sheamus, Batista runs in from the crowd and throws Michael Cole at Cena. Now Cole has a legitimate complaint, because he’s officially gotten in more offense tonight than Daniel Bryan has had in his WWE career. Sheamus in with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) and Batista sets up the OSPREY BOMB TO CENA~!
But wait! It’s Mark Henry! Out, no doubt, to gauge how big a face attacking a defenseless old man has made him now. Unfortunately for Mark, the reaction is pretty much, “Why the hell is Mark Henry out there right now?” Sheamus and Batista are so confused that they just wander backstage shaking their heads.
Edge: I’m really sorry that I got fake divorced from you. Sadly, that really was the high point of my career after Lita left.
Vickie: Eh, whatever. I’ve somehow managed to stay gainfully employed since then. And to be honest, there’s something off about your face that I’ve always found a little creepy.
Edge: That’s probably fair. So, Randy Orton huh? What’s the deal with that guy?
Vickie: You really need to shut up about him, you’re coming across a little too obsessed.
Edge: I’m just mad that he killed Meatloaf and not Flava Flav.
Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) vs. The Miz
Shouldn’t he be Tyson Hart now? Just to complete the picture? I’m not even going to bother thinking about it. If Tyson wins the match, one of the Harts gets a U.S. Title match next week. I hope it’s Bruce. Miz tosses Tyson to start, but then Tyson comes in and does some sort of pretzel hold on Miz for the pin. What in the world was that? Miz gets on the mic after the match, and after flirting with the idea of flirting with Natalya, he books himself in a match against Bret Hart next week. Oh, Miz. Don’t you know booking yourself against a crippled topless genie is only going to lead to your own destruction? Have you ever watched this show. (No, no he hasn’t).
Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with “Dave” Batista “Davidson.”
WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” And Dave, I have to ask you, what do you think about wrestling Mark Henry tonight?
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I do not know who that IS!
Mathews: Mark Henry? The World’s Strongest Man? He chased you off for no reason when you tried to beat down Cena tonight?
Batista: You ask too many QUESTIONS!
Daniel Bryan, Justin Gabriel, Heath Slater, Skip Sheffield, Michael Tarver, David Otunga, Darren Young, and Wade Barrett vs. Goldust, Yoshi Tatsu, Santino Marella, and John Morrison
How bad must Morrison feel right now being lumped with this group? At least they all had to do his entrance on the way to the ring, I guess. So we all realize that the only guys on NXT worth anything are Bryan and Barrett right? Ok, good. Poor Yoshi Tatsu looks like he has no idea what the hell is going on here. You and me both, dude. There’s some back and forth action for a while, lending mostly to the fact that there’s twice as many NXT guys as there are RAW jobbers. Then Daniel Bryan scores the pinfall with a roll-up (That’s His Move!). The NXT guys celebrate like they just beat Undertaker or something. I guess that is Bryan’s first WWE win, so it’s something to sing about. Michael Cole on Bryan: “I don’t like the same bands as he does.”
Hey! Flava Flav is back! Surely he’ll put this time to good use.
Flava Flav: YEEEEEAH BOOOOOOY!
The Bella Twins: We don’t understand you.
Vladamir Kozlov: Bella Twins, quit being creepy and hot and get out of here so that I may ask Flavor Flav to book me in a match tonight.
Flav: No way! The ratings for that segment would be so low, people would think TNA had come back.
Santino Marella: I’ll-a wrestle you-a!
Kozlov: You just lost to Daniel Bryan. I think that means you have to go back to appearing on NXT now.
Santino: Aw! How-a will our-a buddy cop-a show get off-a the ground-a if you-a won’t hang-a out with-a me?!
William Regal: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YO! YOOOOOOO!
I’m William Regal,
And I’m here to say,
I love my Flowbee,
And I hate the day!
I’m a cool vampire,
With phat ass beats,
If you wrestle me,
You’ll taste defeat!
I like to drink tea,
And eat crumpets,
I miss Layla El,
She was my strumpet!
You can call me Oxford,
Because I took you to school,
If you don’t like Regal,
Then you’re not cool.
Word to your mother. Happy Mother’s Day.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Mark Henry
Henry’s still not super over with the crowd. Sorry, dude. Hitting old people with a chair to get over is so 1998. Making them sing until they have a seizure and fall over? The wave of the future. Batista is napping in a chair to start. You know? I never thought I would miss Batista when he was gone, but I friggin’ love “I’m quitting so I do not give a crap” Thetista more than anybody on the entire roster ever. EVER! Then Dave wakes up, grabs the chair, and just starts laying into Mark with it. Then he puts him in a chokehold until Henry is comically knocked out. Then he leaves. Match of the night! Hell, match of the year! I miss you already, Dave!
Backstage, Randy Orton is enjoying a Meatloaf sandwich. Ewww….
Randy Orton vs. Edge and Ted DiBiase (w/ Vickie Guerrero)
When Lemony collides! Er…Again! Edge looks seriously disappointed in himself that he couldn’t find a better partner than DiBiase. I don’t know, man. You’ll live the rest of your life wondering what Indian Eric Bischoff was doing tonight. Anyway, the story of the match (as is the story of just about every one of these handicap matches) is that every time Orton gets control, the second guy takes him out. Orton, however, is saved by an angel in the form of R-Truth. Orton looks utterly baffled by this, but really, it makes a lot more sense than Mark Henry earlier tonight. Even if this is the main event. Wait, this is the main event? Ugh. With DiBiase effectively neutralized by the realization that he does not, in fact, know “What’s Up?”, Edge can’t hold out much longer and eventually he falls over. Orton wins. After the match, Vickie Guerrero quits on the spot and runs backstage to find comfort in the arms of Meatloaf.
Next Week: Bret Hart wrestles the best match of his life. Just kidding, he’ll stagger around for a while and then pin Miz out of nowhere. Also, Randy Orton gets *his* general manager hired. Unfortunately for us, it’s just a sock puppet dressed like Mike Adamle. And Buzz Aldrin tries not to tarnish his legacy any more than it already has been this year, and fails miserably.