Archive for May 2010

RAW Satire for 5/10/10

May 13, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Wayne Brady literally did have to choke a bitch. Also, Edge tried so hard to hate Randy Orton that he passed out. Orton wins! And I could’ve sworn John Cena did something, but I can’t remember what. Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

We open with Randy Orton, and he has a mic. This is not a good way to start. Oh well, let’s get this over with.

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the NYSE Girl’s Chocolatechip. Hedge, I know you’re bark’s page, and I won’t fighter you! Not until there’s a typo on the line!

And now here’s Meatloaf. Really? What the hell?

Meatloaf: Hey! Randy! It’s me! Meatloaf! I had nothing better to do tonight, so I decided to come out here and sing a couple songs!

Orton: Meathook! The best digger of my life! I’d love to eep you!

Meatloaf: THE MOOSE IS LOOSE, RANDY! I am the moose, and I am loose.

Orton: I would neverer trade you for haggeris.

Meatloaf: Maybe this could be your new theme song!

And I would do anything for love!
I’d run to Parts Unknown and back!
I would o anything for love!
But I won’t fight Edge!
No, nooooo! I won’t fight Edge!

Orton: Singeing food! I am a maze!

Meatloaf: Not that one? Huh? Man, I still had about twenty minutes of that song left. Ok, how about this one!

I hear voices in my head,
They talk to me,
They tell me to buy “Hang Cool with Teddy Bear”
Hang Cool with Teddy Bear!

Meatloaf passes out from the exertion. Orton wins!

Orton: Now there’s laugh overs!

Edge: Dude. You killed Meatloaf. This is what I. Do. Not. Understand. You just killed a Rock Icon. Meatloaf!! The guy is a god amongst men, and you just forced him to overwork himself and fall over. And you’re the face! Can a girl get a salad here?! If I were to bring out, say, Phil Collins and punk him out, I’d get thrown out of WWE! But you? You’ll probably get a bonus for this!

Orton: You sure do love Meathook!

Edge: I’ve had just about enough of this! And there’s only one solution! The return of General Manager Vickie Guerrero!

Vickie Guerrero: Thank you, Edge. Giving you that afghan in the divorce was certainly worth it if you got me hired for this job! Guys, I’m not going to lie. I don’t exactly have a great track record for sticking around in these jobs lately. But I have a feeling this one’s going to stick! At least until Summerfest!

Orton: Vinnie Gordita! My nermalsis!

Vickie: Your nermalsis indeed! And tonight, in that very ring, you will take on Edge and a partner of his choosing in a handicap match!

Edge: That’ll teach you for ending the career of last generation’s Susan Boyle!

Backstage, Chris Jericho and The Miz (Team Name: Sealab 2022) are eating Chex Mix. Mmm!

(ads)

The Pittsburgh Steelers are in the crowd. Ben Roethlisberger, however, is not, so they manage not to rape anybody.

Chris Jericho vs. David Hart Smith (w/ Natalya)

Apparently, if Jericho wins this then he and Miz (Team Name: Drinking with the Stars) will get a tag title shot at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE We Ran Out of PPV Names. If The Canadian Bulldog wins, he gets a wrestling column on a website people actually read again. So, there’s a lot at stake here. Smith locks in a Sharpshooter, which makes no sense, because That’s Not His Move, but whatever. Maybe everybody even remotely associated with the Harts is doing it now. Jericho gets bored with this all a few minutes later, and hits the Codebreaker for the win. Poor Bulldog!

Backstage…

Edge: I don’t get it! You know? How in the hell does he get away with it? I have sex with Lita, and suddenly I’m vilified for life. He kills Meatloaf, and everything’s forgiven ten seconds later!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I love MEATLOAF!

Edge: Are you even listening to me?

Batista: I do not get paid ENOUGH!

(ads)

R-Truth (w/ Flava Flav) vs. William Regal

Commentary of the night:

Flava Flav: YEEEEEAH BOOOOOOY!

Apparently, Flava sold one of his clocks to buy the show, but this is all the screen time he gave himself. Meatloaf got more screen time. Which I guess I don’t mind, because it’s delicious, but it’s kind of silly for him to even be here tonight. He should’ve had a match against Vickie or something. And it doesn’t even matter, because The Colons hit the ring about ten seconds later and start beating up R-Truth for the DQ. Ted DiBiase comes out and hands them each a wad of cash. You can’t have two Next Top Virgils! And why aren’t the Colons fighting anymore? Feuding Colons sounds painful, actually.

(ads)

Did you know Eve Torres is a trained Jiu-Jitsu fighter? Did you care? Why hasn’t that helped her in the ring? Meanwhile, Maryse is training in pit fighting with Tough Enough Jessie. She starts asking questions in French, however, and T.E. Jessie runs off in tears.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton. And Randy, who do you think is going to be Edge’s mystery partner tonight?

Randy Orton: Sledge’s mysterio partier will be me!

Mathews: Randy, that doesn’t make any sense. You’re his opponent tonight.

Orton: Yeah, and I’ll neverer see me comering.

Mathews: You don’t want to guess, say Thetista, or maybe even for comedy, Meatloaf?

Orton: Norp. It’s going to be me, John.

(ads)

Hey, everybody! It’s an old man!

Buzz Aldrin: My fifteen hundred years of fame aren’t up! I just bought this show, and RAW is going to the moon!

Mark Henry then lays out a 900 year old man with a chairshot.

Mark Henry: Hey, it worked for Orton!

Evan Bourne vs. Zack Ryder (w/ Alicia Fox and Gail Kim)

Zack Ryder says “Woo Woo” and then threatens to blow up the arena. Man, people are really worked up about the whole Mickie James thing. Zack could end up getting banned from WWE events for life! If only, right?! Sorry, Zack Ryder fans! Er…Fan. Oh, who are we kidding. None of us is sorry. Alicia tries to distract Evan, but Gail pulls her off. That’s what you get for dating a face and hell Diva, Zack. Evan with the flippy thing off the top (That’s His Move!) for the win.

(ads)

APPLEDOUGH~!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO! YOOOO! YOOOOOOOO!

Gonna be taking on TheTista,
A guy who already quit,
But in what kind of match?
Maybe a battle of wits?

I don’t think it matters,
Last month, he jobbed to tape!
Maybe we’ll fight with magic,
Like Dumbledore vs. Snape!

But this is a wrestling show,
Things gotta stay real,
A one on one contest,
Between the face and heel.

It’s gonna be awesome,
At WWE Whatever We Call It
Cena versus TheTista,
One on one in an I Quit!

Got the Spinnin’ Title,
Mourning Meatloaf’s career,
But it will be all right,
BECAUSE THE CHAMP IS-

Sheamus: Hi, everybody? What’s going on out here?

Cena is furious that his big finale was interrupted, but before he can adequately chastise Sheamus, Batista runs in from the crowd and throws Michael Cole at Cena. Now Cole has a legitimate complaint, because he’s officially gotten in more offense tonight than Daniel Bryan has had in his WWE career. Sheamus in with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) and Batista sets up the OSPREY BOMB TO CENA~!

But wait! It’s Mark Henry! Out, no doubt, to gauge how big a face attacking a defenseless old man has made him now. Unfortunately for Mark, the reaction is pretty much, “Why the hell is Mark Henry out there right now?” Sheamus and Batista are so confused that they just wander backstage shaking their heads.

Backstage….

Edge: I’m really sorry that I got fake divorced from you. Sadly, that really was the high point of my career after Lita left.

Vickie: Eh, whatever. I’ve somehow managed to stay gainfully employed since then. And to be honest, there’s something off about your face that I’ve always found a little creepy.

Edge: That’s probably fair. So, Randy Orton huh? What’s the deal with that guy?

Vickie: You really need to shut up about him, you’re coming across a little too obsessed.

Edge: I’m just mad that he killed Meatloaf and not Flava Flav.

(ads)

Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) vs. The Miz

Shouldn’t he be Tyson Hart now? Just to complete the picture? I’m not even going to bother thinking about it. If Tyson wins the match, one of the Harts gets a U.S. Title match next week. I hope it’s Bruce. Miz tosses Tyson to start, but then Tyson comes in and does some sort of pretzel hold on Miz for the pin. What in the world was that? Miz gets on the mic after the match, and after flirting with the idea of flirting with Natalya, he books himself in a match against Bret Hart next week. Oh, Miz. Don’t you know booking yourself against a crippled topless genie is only going to lead to your own destruction? Have you ever watched this show. (No, no he hasn’t).

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with “Dave” Batista “Davidson.”

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” And Dave, I have to ask you, what do you think about wrestling Mark Henry tonight?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I do not know who that IS!

Mathews: Mark Henry? The World’s Strongest Man? He chased you off for no reason when you tried to beat down Cena tonight?

Batista: You ask too many QUESTIONS!

(ads)

Daniel Bryan, Justin Gabriel, Heath Slater, Skip Sheffield, Michael Tarver, David Otunga, Darren Young, and Wade Barrett vs. Goldust, Yoshi Tatsu, Santino Marella, and John Morrison

How bad must Morrison feel right now being lumped with this group? At least they all had to do his entrance on the way to the ring, I guess. So we all realize that the only guys on NXT worth anything are Bryan and Barrett right? Ok, good. Poor Yoshi Tatsu looks like he has no idea what the hell is going on here. You and me both, dude. There’s some back and forth action for a while, lending mostly to the fact that there’s twice as many NXT guys as there are RAW jobbers. Then Daniel Bryan scores the pinfall with a roll-up (That’s His Move!). The NXT guys celebrate like they just beat Undertaker or something. I guess that is Bryan’s first WWE win, so it’s something to sing about. Michael Cole on Bryan: “I don’t like the same bands as he does.”

(ads)

Hey! Flava Flav is back! Surely he’ll put this time to good use.

Flava Flav: YEEEEEAH BOOOOOOY!

The Bella Twins: We don’t understand you.

Vladamir Kozlov: Bella Twins, quit being creepy and hot and get out of here so that I may ask Flavor Flav to book me in a match tonight.

Flav: No way! The ratings for that segment would be so low, people would think TNA had come back.

Santino Marella: I’ll-a wrestle you-a!

Kozlov: You just lost to Daniel Bryan. I think that means you have to go back to appearing on NXT now.

Santino: Aw! How-a will our-a buddy cop-a show get off-a the ground-a if you-a won’t hang-a out with-a me?!

William Regal: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YO! YOOOOOOO!

I’m William Regal,
And I’m here to say,
I love my Flowbee,
And I hate the day!

I’m a cool vampire,
With phat ass beats,
If you wrestle me,
You’ll taste defeat!

I like to drink tea,
And eat crumpets,
I miss Layla El,
She was my strumpet!

You can call me Oxford,
Because I took you to school,
If you don’t like Regal,
Then you’re not cool.

Word to your mother. Happy Mother’s Day.

(ads)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Mark Henry

Henry’s still not super over with the crowd. Sorry, dude. Hitting old people with a chair to get over is so 1998. Making them sing until they have a seizure and fall over? The wave of the future. Batista is napping in a chair to start. You know? I never thought I would miss Batista when he was gone, but I friggin’ love “I’m quitting so I do not give a crap” Thetista more than anybody on the entire roster ever. EVER! Then Dave wakes up, grabs the chair, and just starts laying into Mark with it. Then he puts him in a chokehold until Henry is comically knocked out. Then he leaves. Match of the night! Hell, match of the year! I miss you already, Dave!

Backstage, Randy Orton is enjoying a Meatloaf sandwich. Ewww….

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Edge and Ted DiBiase (w/ Vickie Guerrero)

When Lemony collides! Er…Again! Edge looks seriously disappointed in himself that he couldn’t find a better partner than DiBiase. I don’t know, man. You’ll live the rest of your life wondering what Indian Eric Bischoff was doing tonight. Anyway, the story of the match (as is the story of just about every one of these handicap matches) is that every time Orton gets control, the second guy takes him out. Orton, however, is saved by an angel in the form of R-Truth. Orton looks utterly baffled by this, but really, it makes a lot more sense than Mark Henry earlier tonight. Even if this is the main event. Wait, this is the main event? Ugh. With DiBiase effectively neutralized by the realization that he does not, in fact, know “What’s Up?”, Edge can’t hold out much longer and eventually he falls over. Orton wins. After the match, Vickie Guerrero quits on the spot and runs backstage to find comfort in the arms of Meatloaf.

Next Week: Bret Hart wrestles the best match of his life. Just kidding, he’ll stagger around for a while and then pin Miz out of nowhere. Also, Randy Orton gets *his* general manager hired. Unfortunately for us, it’s just a sock puppet dressed like Mike Adamle. And Buzz Aldrin tries not to tarnish his legacy any more than it already has been this year, and fails miserably.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for May 2nd – 8th, 2010

May 12, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Carry the 1…Divide By Zero and…Whoops. The stock market came crashing down when a clerical error that put a zero in the wrong place and caused all the automated trades on the Stock Exchange to sell everything they had. A few hours later, the transactions were voided and the devistating crash was avoided, but for a while we all learned that we have way too much faith in our computers.

2. But What Does this Have to Do with the Avengers? Noted Avengers prequel Iron Man 2 was unleashed upon theatres to massive public and critical praise this week. Actually, it did rake in close to $150 million, which is nothing to sneeze at, but left a lot of people complaining that it did more to set up Marvel’s other franchises than it did feeling like an Iron Man movie.

3. Put a Cap in that Oceanic Sea Drift. A team of British Patroleum engineers tried to lower a large dome onto the burst pipeline, in order to siphon out at least a portion of the oil currently pouring into the ocean right now. Unfortunately, they didn’t realize that it’s very cold at the bottom of the ocean, and the whole thing froze and gummed up. Nicely done!

4. Zynga Wants to Pull Out of Facebook. Who will run the trillion YoVille factories that every single person on my Facebook updates list are running right now? Zynga wants to put everything on their site, saying that Facebook’s taxation on the real money poeple spend on Farmville and whatnot is ufair. I sort of agree, but that’s a good way to send Zynga out of business.

5. Happy Mother’s Day! It was Mother’s Day, and hopefully a very happy one for all the mothers out there. I don’t like to be sappy or anything on this site, but for all the work that these women put in across the country putting up with kids like you and me, a great majority of them have earned a day of relaxation.

American Idol ’10: Top Four Perform

May 12, 2010 American Idol No comments

Aaron Kelly pretty much straight up flayed himself to the moon last week, killing any hope he had of touring America’s theme parks with David Archuletta next summer. But we press on, unhindered as the show rapidly hurtles towards the inevitable Lee/Crystal Showdown.

It’s “Movie Themes” week. Somebody sing “Snakes on a Plane (Bring It)” and I’ll never say a bad word about this show ever again. Kara’s all dressed up, for some reason. Maybe she’s in the running to become a Supreme Court Justice?

Our mentor this week is Jamie Foxx, who is apparently a star of both music and film, though you could probably debate either one of those pretty successfully. All I remember is him babbling nonsense at the contestants last year, and Simon rolling his eyes whenever he said anything, so we’re starting off great!

(Idol Drinking Game for Tonight: Every time Simon has no fucking clue what‘s going on.)

Lee DeWyze
The Song: “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal
Jamie Foxx Says: If you can perform when I’m up in your grill, you might be Danny Goeke.
The Performance:
The Chris Sligh song! Jamie Foxx is rocking the Jim Neidhart pink shirt/bald head/too long goatee look in the videos which is kind of distracting. He tries to make out with Lee, and Lee doesn’t know how to react, because he doesn’t know how to react to anything. He’s terrible in the audition, so I’m really looking forward to the performance.

I thought Seal was hard to understand. Dig the high notes! “loOOOovvvEE”! I sort of love this song, but Lee is doing his best to kill it dead. I respect that his outfit this week looks like it was taken straight out of his closet circa 1996. He’s begging for common man votes with the grunge flannel and ill fitting jeans! Well, you’ve got to try something, I guess. The judges just slaughter him for sounding like crap, which is nice.
The Judges Say: You sounded like *A* seal, instead of Seal.
I Say: Hated everything but his wacky enunciation on “loOOOovvvEE.
Score: +2
Change: -2

Mike Lynche
The Song: “Will You Be There” by Michael Jackson
Jamie Foxx Says: Let’s dance this out, and then you punch me.
The Performance:
Friggin’ Free Willy?! Are you serious?! I know it’s a Michael song but…this night just couldn’t get any better. Somebody sing the American Tail theme! Michael hasn’t even bothered to learn the song for his mentor session, so that’s even better. I haven’t mentioned the T-Shirts yet, but Jamie Foxx is giving the people T-Shirts, based on how well they’ve practiced. Lee, for example, got an “Artist” shirt for fucking up “Kiss from a Rose” in an artistic way. Poor Big Mike is stuck with a “Contestant” shirt, because he’s stuck in Contestant’s Row. But Mike turns him down. Jamie is piiiiiiiissed.

The stage is all decked out in blue wave patterns, but Mike fails to flop over a child, so the Free Willy theme kind of falls flat. At least he’s back in the bomber jacket now. I can’t believe I missed it, but I did. The back-up singers (plus two, don’t know where they came from) come out of the stairs choir style which is nice. He remembers all the words, but that was a pretty uninspired. His voice was fine, but I almost fell asleep.
The Judges Say: I have no idea what Free Willy Is.
I Say: Missing a lot from the Big Mike as a Whale metaphor.
Score: +3
Change: -1

Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze
The Song: “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
The Performance:
If I remember right, I liked Kris Allen’s version of this song from last year. I’m too lazy to go back and look though. Isn’t it a little unfair for them to pair up the two clear frontrunners like this though? Why not Big Mike and Crystal? That would be a pair I’d want to see duet.

Kind of funny to watch Crystal emote way too much for what the song is worth, and Lee do absolutely nothing with it as they stare longingly past each other. I can’t hate this, per se, but it’s exactly as dumb and boring as you’d think the two of these people together would be. At least their voices harmonize pretty well. When Kara calls it one of her “favorite moments of the season!” I just had to laugh. I also had to laugh at the lady sitting behind Simon freaking the hell out that he loves it.
The Judges Say: One of the best moments of the season.
I Say: Pretty good for what it was, but not very interesting.

Casey James
The Song: “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkle
Jamie Foxx Says: Seduce me. It won’t be hard.
The Performance:
Man, this is the best night. The unintentional comedy scale has been broken. If the last contestant weren’t boring old Crystal, I’d be praying for somebody to bust out “Lose Yourself” right now. Kris Allen and Blake Lewis could’ve pulled it off. None of these people though. Casey gets an “Artist” shirt for successfully wooing Jamie Foxx, I think.

Sitting amongst the crowd, with tweenage girls at his feet while he strums quietly on a ukulele, Casey James has saved the night for me. This is everything that Weezy and the Whale’s performances couldn’t hope to accomplish in terms of being amazing. Though if I ever have a band, it’s totally going to be called “Weezy and the Whale.” The judges don’t even know what the fuck. Too awesome for them to comprehend, so Randy immediately turns this back into Kara trying to seduce him earlier this season. Bwahaha!
The Judges Say: Hahahahaha…Kara is old and she thinks you‘re cute!
I Say: So really, really cheesy and awful and horrible that I can’t help but love it.
Score: +1
Change: -1

Crystal Bowersox
The Song: “I‘m All Right” by Kenny Loggins
Jamie Fox Says: Let me know that you‘re all right..
The Performance:
Caddyshack! Hell yes! I didn’t even think to go there. It’s no Theme from Ghostbusters, but what is really? She starts things off with Jamie by making googly eyes and swearing a lot, which is kind of endearing, I guess. Does he have a tattoo on the back of his head? Huh. Crystal is, of course, an “Artist” shirt lady.

So, of course, she turns a mellow song into a hollow, mellowed out version of itself. But whatever. It kind of works. That’s the thing that frustrates me about her. I keep expecting her to do something crazy awesome because she really is a good singer, but then she just does something really uninteresting and I get distracted by doing my taxes or whatever.
The Judges Say: You know you’re going to win, right? Do something crazy.
I Say: As these things go, I’m fine with Crystal being the one who wins.
Score: +7
Change: +1

Casey James and Michael Lynche
The Song: “Have You Ever Loved a Woman” by Bryan Adams
The Performance:
These two poor guys are clearly aware that one of them is going home, so they’re just going to do their best to try to set up a career as a traveling Bryan Adams cover band after the show’s run is over. Casey doing his best guitar plinkering in a while, Michael’s head bobbling smooth singing.

These two really could take this act on the road, because their voices are mixing really well, and vocally, Mike is making up for Casey’s weaknesses, and Casey’s killing on the guitar. If this was a duet show, they’d win. But…uh…it’s not. I’d still rather take one of their crazy asses over Lee DeWyze though. There. I said it. Ellen can’t wait until the song is over to make a gay joke.
The Judges Say: You probably should’ve done that well earlier.
I Say: I sort of loved this in an entirely non-ironic sense. Really!

Bottom Two: Casey James and Michael Lynche

It’s down to these two lost lambs being led to the slaughter. Casey James with his ukulele and Simon and Garfunkle meets Bryan Adams routine, and Big Mike and his whale act. The only question left is which one of these two unfortunate people is going to be sent packing before they can win an all expense paid trip to…their own house.

Under normal circumstances, I’d say Casey. He’s bringing nothing unique or interesting to the competition any more, and Michael’s a much better singer than he is. Yes, I still contend that he’s the best guitar player Idol’s ever had, but that doesn’t say nearly enough for the rest of his skills, which are either mediocre or non-existant.

But then, Big Mike went ahead and gave it away. Mike’s performances weren’t as awful as they could have been, and honestly he performed better than Lee. But you could see that his head just wasn’t in it anymore. He practically begged to say in “just one more week,” not so that he could have a chance to win, but so that he could say that he made it to the bottom three before he got booted. Desperation doesn’t play well in these shows.

Prediction: Michael Lynche

YouTube Monday: It’s Betty White’s World

May 11, 2010 YouTube No comments

If you missed Betty White on SNL, get yourself to Hulu and watch it. You owe it to yourself and the power of Facebook to watch a 90 year old lady doing skits with women who haven’t been on the show in ten years.

But this is called “YouTube” Monday, and while NBC hates the hell out of YouTube, I still think the Betty White SNL promo is appropriate posting material.

World of Warcraft: 1000 Words

May 10, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

I didn’t have time to do a dungeon report or talk about the Cataclysm Alpha, because I’ve got doctors appointments up the wazoo and I’ve got stupid amounts of work to do.

But really, if you want to know anything about Cataclysm, this picture of the Goblin starting zone of Kezan is all you need to know:

Kezan

I mean…Hell Yes.

RAW Satire for 5/3/10

May 7, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Ted DiBiase launched his search for America’s Next Top Virgil. Also, the WWE Draft Party happened, and just about everybody ended up on RAW for some reason. And, despite quitting, like a month ago, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” became the number one contender for the WWE title. Maybe he’ll finally quit…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Speaking of which, here’s the quitter himself! What’s the good word, Dave?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: The good word is the BIBLE! I am quitting to become a successful ACTOR! Before I quit I will win the WWE TITLE! And take it to TNA! And then quit TNA because it is STUPID! Then I will retire in a sea of TEARS!

Sheamus: That sounds like pretty much the best possible ending for your career. We all knew it would end in tears.

Batista: You will end in TEARS!

Sheamus: Probably, but at least I did the one thing that you couldn’t do. Forced Triple H to take a vacation!

Batista: That was supposed to be my VACATION!

Sheamus: And that was supposed to be my WWE Title match!

Batista: You look FUNNY!

Sheamus: …Do not.

Batista: Do TOO!

Sheamus: Do not times infinity!

Batista: Do too times infinity plus ONE!

Sheamus: That doesn’t make any sense! Learn math!

Batista: I cannot count to THREE!

(ads)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ The Miz)
In a Beat the Clock Challenge Match

The point of beating the clock is, apparently being able to pick the stipulations for their match at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents Whatever This PPV Is Called Now. Miz was supposed to be in the match, but even he realized that that would be dumb, so he bailed and put Bryan in there, much to Michael Cole’s chagrin. “I don’t understand his haircut!” opines the legendary wrestling announcer. Jim Ross was never this cranky! For whatever it’s worth the guy without the WWE contract is getting in a whole lot of offense here. No I won’t tell you which one. Eventually, Batista wins. John Cena’s time to beat is, like, an hour or something. Batista does not look happy. OSPREY BOMB TO DANIEL BRYAN~!

(ads)

Backstage….

Eve Torres: Even I can’t believe I’m still the Diva’s Champion. Not that that title means anything. But still….

Wayne Brady: Does Wayne Brady have to book a bitch?!

Eve: Huh?

Brady: HaHA!

Jillian Hall: Who in the world is “Wayne Brady?”

Brady: The most populous man on television right now. You have a TV show? Eventually, I’ll just randomly show up and host it. I just hosted 60 Minutes a few days ago despite the fact that I’m not a 90 year old white man! And now I’ve bought RAW!

Maryse walks in to the room, nails Eve in the face with the Divas Title, and walks off.

Eve: That…didn’t even hurt. What is this thing made of? Cellophane?

Brady: HaHA!

Elsewhere….

Edge: -and that’s when I knew the turkey had stolen my hat.

Tough Enough Jessie: That sounds…improbable.

Edge: Don’t you tell me what’s improbable! Do you want to get fired, lady?!

T.E. Jessie: I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE! WAAAAAAAAH!

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: Don’t mind her. WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Edge, and Edge I have to ask you, why bring back The Cutting Edge?

Edge: Because I wanted to roll my interview segment out before Jericho had a chance to horn in on that market. Man I miss the heady days when getting a crapload of TV time was as simple as showing Lita’s breasts.

Mathews: You and me both, sister.

(ads)

In the ring….

Ted DiBiase: You guys, I’m still looking for the Next Top Virgil! So if you failed at your Glee audition, you can still appear on TV in a humiliating role that will haunt you for the rest of your life!

Ted DiBiase vs. John Morrison

Man, I wish I would’ve known about the Glee auditions. They don’t have enough 30 year old white guys who can’t dance or sing on that show. Besides the teacher and half the students, I mean. Michael Cole calls Morrison his “Monday Night Delight.” Really, Cole? That’s what you’re going with in the nickname department? Huh. Morrison does a backflip to celebrate WWE’s stirring victory over TNA (Motto: We’re on TV! No, Seriously!) and DiBiase bails, because he does not want to be associated with anything called a “Monday Night Delight.” Morrison offers to become the next American Virgil if he loses though, which has Ted’s interest piqued.

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Jerry Lawler, hilariously, suddenly realizes that most of the people watching this show weren’t even born the last time Virgil was around, and launches into a half hour explanation about the man’s entire existence. That is a sad and sobering thought, really. I mean, how could you not know Virgil?! He’s timeless! Anyway, Morrison counters Dream Street into the World’s Most Awkward Pin (That’s His Move!) for the win. After the match, Ted takes umbrage to the word umbrage and lays out Morrison, until he’s distracted by R-Truth dancing across the stage.

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John Cena vs. Wade Barrett (w/ Chris Jericho)

Jericho basically cops to never wanting to wrestle Cena ever again, which is nice. So again, we get an NXT guy in the ring with one of the people who will be wrestling for the WWE Spinnin’ Title at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE Please Pick a Pay Per View Name from the Following. I have to admit, of all the NXT guys, Barrett is my favorite. He has the look of a guy who’s going to have dozens of stalled pushes in the future, before he’s released, and then brought back like five months later to resume his position in limbo at the top of the mid-card. Cena milks the clock for everything it’s worth before locking in the STF with a couple seconds left for the win. Oh, John.

John Cena: And now-

Sheamus with a Bicycle Kick out of Nowhere! The Finisher of Champions!

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Maryse vs. Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella)

I kind of want to ask myself why Nikki and not Brie, but then I’d probably end up getting a massive brain hemorrhage and end up in the hospital with Bret Michaels, and nobody wants that. I do sort of wonder why this show hasn’t killed me though. I’m incredibly resilient. I’ll just assume Brie is the bad one. The Bellas try to double team Maryse (Hiyooooo!), but she just turns around and DDTs Nikki for the win. She says something in French (Rough Translation: “I don’t have to cut a promo because none of you understand what I’m saying.”) and then Eve runs out, forgets why she was mad at Maryse, and then runs backstage again.

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Zack Ryder (w/ Alicia Fox and Gail Kim) vs. Mark Henry

Wayne Brady made this match rather than subject us to Zack’s preferred opponent, Prime Colon. Thanks, Wayne. Except for that last mess, you’re an alright owner by me. Zack, apparently, has no idea who Rosa Mendes is (me either!) so he’s hooked up with both Gail Kim and Alicia Fox. He’s got a Rainbow Coalition thing going on here. I can’t believe I’m spending this much time on Zack friggin’ Ryder of all people. He doesn’t even look like Edge anymore. Woo Woo. Michael Cole calls Zack a “Long Island Iced Z.” Don’t ruin my favorite drink, Michael. And seriously, who the hell gave Michael Cole nicknaming powers this week? Stop it! Henry squishes Ryder for the win.

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: Our NXT guys really sucked it up this week, huh?

The Miz: I’ve come to expect nothing less than the opposite of perfection from beardy.

Jericho: Soo…Um…The Big Show! What’s that guy’s deal?

Miz: I know, right? He’s not so big! Nor is he a show!

Jericho: And he betrayed both of us! We were both his best partners ever, and look what happened to us!

Miz: We’re commiserating in a lame segment backstage instead of actually doing things on the show! The guy competing for the WWE Title this month doesn’t even work here anymore!

Jericho: I have a plan!

Miz: Oh no. Your plans rarely end well, Chris.

Jericho: This plan involves at least ten days of relaxation in Cabo.

Miz: I’m in!

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In the office….

Vladamir Kozlov: Give me an opponent.

Wayne Brady: I don’t even know who you are! I’m not booking you in a match unless you can give me one halfway decent accomplishment you’ve had in your career.

Kozlov: I…uh….

Santino Marella: Wayne-a Brady! My-a archenemy! Let’s Make-a the Deal!

Brady: Santino! I thought I’d finished you off after that knife fight in Caracas.

Santino: The joke-a is on you-a! That’s not-a even a real-a place!

William Regal: Hey, guys! What’s this segment about? Vampires? Who said anything about vampires? I’m just British! I’m not a vampire! That’s just crazy talk.

Goldust: Just seeing how many random people we can fit into the segment until the camera guys lose interest, huh? I’m-

Elsewhere, The Hart Dynasty is playing Scrabble.

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William Regal and Vladamir Kozlov vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya)
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

Have you ever tried playing Scrabble with a Canadian? You need at least fifteen extra Os. It’s kind of ridiculous. Miz and Jericho are out on commentary, and are already trying out team names. Early frontrunner: “Skinny and The Fez.” They don’t address how much they hate each other on Twitter because Cole and Lawler would just get confused. Regal just looks depressed to be back on RAW. Kozlov still looks pretty good for a guy in sixties. Wait, he’s not? Oh. Never mind then. The Harts win this one in pretty short order. Jericho and Miz attack (no!), and while the Harts have some success in the early moments, they’re not as cool as Miz and Jericho (Team Name: The Body Donnas), so they end up eating a Codebreaker and Whatever Miz’ Move Is Called (That’s His Move!).

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Hey, it’s finally time for the Cutting Edge! If I were him though, I wouldn’t put the idea of Cutting Edge into the WWE brain trust right now. I’m just saying.

Edge: Man, I didn’t miss having to wake up early on Mondays. How’s a guy supposed to sleep off a hangover if he’s got to be up by…what time is it? Like, 9:30? Ugh. Anyway, a lot of you are probably wondering why I Speared Randy Orton last week. But, come on, look at that guy. Really? Are you really wondering why I Speared him? Come on. No you’re not.

Wayne Brady: Edge, Edge! I hate to interrupt, but I have not appeared on this show enough tonight.

Edge: Umm…Fine? Go ahead and plug whatever it is that you want to plug.

Brady: Plug? I’m on every TV show, Edge. What do I just plug television? Hecks no. I just love the attention, so I’m going to stand out here and bask in it. You can finish when I’m done. And I just wanted to say that I have no idea what a McGruber is. And that Bob Barker is old and Timbaland is fat. And hey! Remember when Ben Roethlisberger owned this show? Yeah, well after that he went out and raped somebody. So…Take that for what it’s worth.

Randy Orton: Wade Brandy, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WTO Girl’s Chocolatchip, hated Stupid Lentil 3: Cowl of the Wills. That movie made no spents in the comics of the Stupid Lentil universe!

Wayne Brady is so insulted that he falls over. Orton wins!

Edge: Hey, remember when we were Rated RKO, and we had a glimmer of success against Triple H and Shawn Michaels? That was, like, a couple years ago! Nobody but us would remember it! We could pretend it’s a new thing! And who on this show now would stop us? Cena? He’s only one guy! Sheamus? Yoshi Tatsu? Please! You know, I don’t get it. I have a catchphrase, the immortal “Can a girl get a salad,” and I look amazing. Plus I’ve worked my way through injuries so I’m an amazing competitor. But nobody cares about me! I come back at the Rumble? Big pop! But I’m shuttled off to Smackdown and everybody forgets I even exist! But you?! YOU?! Stupid. Heelish. Just randomly attacking everybody, pooping in people’s bags, getting drunk off your ass and tearing up hotel rooms, and taking so many drugs that they have to rewrite the policy so you don’t get your ass fired every ten seconds and what? Everybody cheers for you! You can’t even talk straight! I hate you!

Edge gets so upset and apoplectic that he blacks out and falls over. Orton wins! He doesn’t look too excited about that, honestly. In fact, he just looks tired.

Next Week: Flava Flav! YEEEEEAH BOY! Maybe he’ll be Virgil. Also, Randy Orton continues his transition into Steve Austin by filling Edge’s car with oatmeal. And Chris Jericho and The Miz settle on a team name: The Hart Dynasty.

American Idol ’10: Top Five Perform

May 5, 2010 American Idol No comments

Alas, Siobhan, I knew you a little too well. I’ll miss your coats of many colors, the gigantic high notes out of nowhere, and your random rants to the judges. But we must soldier on, and this week we’re knee deep in Frank Sinatra.

The mentor? Harry Connick Jr. Who is awesome as a mentor. It’s really stupid, but he is hilarious. From cracking jokes instead of working, openly mocking the contestants, and drunkenly playing the piano right there on stage with them. He’s the most hands on mentor ever! He’s even taking over half their job by composing their selections for them!

We launch right into the show after Ryan mourns the passing of Siobhan and introduces Harry Connick Jr., who is pretty clearly using tonight to relaunch his career as Simon Cowell. And it’s working! I would totally buy him as the new star of the show!

(Idol Drinking Game for Tonight: Drink as many drinks as Harry Connick has had tonight. Try not to kill yourself!)

Aaron Kelly
The Song: “Fly Me to the Moon”
Harry Connick Jr. Says: Does this sound good? No.
The Performance:
Flay me to the moon indeed. I love that they immediately come out of the box and say, “Frank Sinatra? This is perfect for Aaron!” Because it’s not. Harry spends their entire gab session thinking up new ways to insult Aaron, which is pretty fun. He does everything but reach over and give the kid a noogie.

Performance-wise, it’s probably better than you’d expect. This is definitely not where his career should be heading after Idol, but it is what it is. I think the vest really sells it, to be honest. Also, having the mentor on stage with them is kind of distracting, whose show is this again? I still can’t understand half of what Aaron is saying, by the way.
The Judges Say: That was fine, but you’re really not cool.
I Say: I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool (better than expected).
Score: +2
Change: +1

Casey James
The Song: “Blue Skies”
Harry Connick Jr. Says: What is this a comedy act?
The Performance:
I think they’re taking the “Bluesy” vibe a little bit too literally, as that is literally the only color on screen right now. It’s like a special performance of the Blue Man Group or something right now. Casey is also rocking a vest, so maybe that’s our theme for tonight. He shares an amusing story about how his friend doesn’t watch TV and called Casey to come work for him this week, and then he’s off.

Casey isn’t playing guitar, because Harry Connick is a jerk who doesn’t realize that guitar playing is the only thing keeping Casey in the competition right now. It’s his only skill! Don’t take that away from him! This is pleasant enough, but really awkward to watch and weird. Casey just looks lost, staggering around onstage. Even Randy picks up on it(!). Casey’s mom looks like she’s going to die. Connick’s just like, “Hey, your rehearsal was pretty good. Sucks to be you.”
The Judges Say: Wow, that was really weird to watch.
I Say: And thus, wrought the end of Casey James.
Score: +2
Change: -2

Crystal Bowersox
The Song: “Summer Wind”
Harry Connick Jr. Says: I want to know your secrets.
The Performance:
Ryan is more interested in hobnobbing with Anthony Hopkins than doing anything related to this show. I guess Harry’s not on board with Crystal’s whole, “This song really means a lot to me!” shy girl routine. How refreshing that a mentor is finally interested in the contestants! Unfortunately, he’ll probably never know, because secretly none of these songs mean anything to Crystal!

Crystal screws up Connick’s piano playing to start, and he smiles because the alternative is throwing her off the stage. This is as boring is crystal has ever been. Where’s her weird rug and mic stand, anyway? She’s singing this like she’s being held at gun point, which is wonderful. And her high notes are all over the place. But she’s still winning this show, y’alls. Even Randy is like dooooog…what? Hahaha! Randy’s on point tonight. What? Aaron Kelly’s winning the night so far. Ha!
The Judges Say: This is the week where we pretend you’re not going to win.
I Say: The vibe was totally awesome. The singing? Not so much.
Score: +6
Change: +/-0

Mike Lynche
The Song: “The Way You Look Tonight”
Harry Connick Jr. Says: You’ve look friggin’ gorgeous.
The Performance:
Big Mike is looking dapper as fuck, and you can tell he heard Casey bomb tonight, because he’s basically planning out his itinerary for next week’s show. That’s a pretty awesome hat, but it doesn’t really go with his outfit. Sinatra would not approve. Seriously, though, Big Mike is the only one that Connick hasn’t screwed around with in their mentor session. I think he’s afraid of him!

Performance-wise, this sort of is Mike’s thing, actually. It’s not perfect by any means, but it’s very entertaining and pretty good. I wasn’t up dancing like Mike promised though. If anybody has the “swagger” to pull this week off like the judges have been prattling on about, Big Mike is the one, and he sort of did (but it was still kind of meh).
The Judges Say: Simon can’t count, but that all just clicked.
I Say: Performance of the night so far (not that that’s saying much!).
Score: +4
Change: +1

Lee DeWyze
The Song: “That‘s Life”
Harry Connick Jr. Says: My wife loves you. Now you die!
The Performance:
I think this is the first time a mentor has actually publicly tried to sabotage a contestant. Even for humor value. Harry Connick is the best mentor. He even breaks out the baseball stadium organ! What in the hell is this? And why does Lee have to sing a song every week about how poor he is? We get it. Geez. Crystal doesn’t sing a song every week about being a busker. Ok, she sort of does. But still.

I literally can’t understand a word Lee is saying here. I don’t even think that it’s because he forgot the lyrics or anything, it’s just that he’s…unintelligible here. I mean, being hard to understand is sort of Lee’s trademark, but this is literally “agggauuughh in April ahphhhhuuu in Mnnnn!” Lee attempting to have swagger is sort of adorable though. Aww! Ellen can’t wait to make an organ joke.
The Judges Say: We’re pretending that we want you to win as a smokescreen for Crystal.
I Say: Wgggglfp wapfjgka aaaaaabbbggggg!
Score: +4
Change: +1

Bottom Three: Aaron Kelly, Crystal Bowersox, Casey James

We’ve gotten to the point where it has to be somebody. Big Mike probably saved himself from certain doom this week with a halfway decent performance, but you never know. My understanding is that there were a lot of people in the Idol production group that were flat out shocked that Mike is still around, so maybe this is his week to go.

But, to be honest, I think it’s more likely that we’ll see Casey and Aaron in the bottom two. Aaron was fine, but fine isn’t going to cut it anymore, and with Aaron being in the opening spot, it’s doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. Casey was just bad, horribly uncomfortable and rough to watch. He’s out.

I still maintain that they’re going to pull a fakeout scare on a top contestant sometime within the next few weeks. Siobhan getting ousted was surprising but not exactly earth shattering. Crystal ending up in the bottom three after being the frontrunner for the whole season so far would be enough of a wake-up call to get her, and her fans, moving.

Prediction: Casey James

YouTube Monday: Star Wars and…Kidnapping Together at Last

May 3, 2010 YouTube No comments

Everybody knows that the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy wasn’t nearly as good as the originals. Now, I didn’t think they’re *THAT* bad, in context sure, but as action set pieces they’re fine.

This guy, however, hits basically every salient point, in very amusing fashion. With bonus skits from SAW thrown in for no reason whatsoever!

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for April 25th – May 1st, 2010

May 3, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Stephen Hawking Has Done Gone Crazy. So, last week Hawking went on TV and said, “We probably don’t want to find aliens, because they’re all going to kill us.” Now he’s come out with plans for how to build a time machine. Sure, it’s impossible, but seriously, Stephen, you’ve just got to know when to keep your…computer shut, man. Quit being such a weird attention whore.

2. Some Dude Beat Bejeweled. Some dude named Mike Leyde, who has put in more thant 2,200 hours into an endless Bejeweled game. This week he got the kill screen. Popcap says that it’s the first time they’ve known of anybody getting the killscreen, and Mr. Leyde’s employer says that it’s nice to know what he’s been doing there.

3. Halo Is the New Halo Killer. Ok, so Microsoft still owns the rights to Halo, but the developer of the games Bungie has signed a deal to have Activision Blizzard be their new distributor. The same Activision that everybody in the industry hates right now because their CEO is kind of an ass and is cutting a lot of jobs and IPs over there. But it’ll be interesting to play a game that isn’t Halo by Bungie on a different system.

4. Speaking of Halo, What the Hell People? As of this writing there are still 14 people playing Halo 2 on X-Box Live. That wouldn’t necessarily be unusual, except that Microsoft pulled the plug on Halo 2′s online component last week. These 14 people conspired to leave their X-Boxes on and running Halo 2′s online component ad infinitum (or until they get tired of it). I think it’s probably time to give up the ghost on this one, y’all.

5. Conan Kind of Speaks. Conan O’Brien appeared on 60 Minutes, his first television appearance since being fired from the Tonight Show. He’s still legally prohibited from saying anything bad about it, though, so he let his lovely wife and the veins in his forehead tell the story. Seriously, when asked about how NBC treated him, he looked like his head was going to explode.

World of Warcraft: Razorfen Kraul

May 1, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

Once upon a time there was a giant god pig, but he died defending the world from the Burning Legion. You can be sure that the following weeks resulted in Azeroth’s most awesome barbeque EVER.

Anyway, his corpse fell in the Barrens, where his ghost was driven insane by Chuck Norris jokes. Meanwhile, his “children” an erstwhile race of sad pig people named the Quilboars set up shop inside his corpse. Which is pretty morbid.

So they sit there with their leader Charlga and pick on the Horde in the area and make under the table deals with Arthas to try to bring their god back from the great pen in the sky. The Alliance cares because…uh…loot. I guess.

Degree of Difficulty: Medium

RFK subscribes fully to Blizzard’s early instance strategy of having as many paths and bridges that go nowhere as humanly possible, which does a great job of making the place feel “lived in”, but means that it takes forever to get through most of the old world instances, which is forever longer than you have to do something like RFK these days.

There’s a ton of trash, all of whom have their own little quirks (a lot of Shaman with totems and heals, hunters, guys with stuns, mana burn, and/or stealth) who are easy enough, but very annoying. There are also six bosses to slog through should you press onward through the long, winding loot corridor that is Razorfen Kraul.

Bosses:

Roogug: A quillboar with some extra HP and a lighting spell. Not much of a boss, but he is in there. Really only for completionists and Warrior Loremasters these days, because he is part of a Warrior class quest, but he’s down one of those meandering paths that have nothing to do with the rest of the instance.

Aggem Thorncurse: Metal name? Check. Awesome outfit? Check. Annoying fight due to self heals, adds, and random warrior skills for no reason? Another check! My new rock nickname is going to be Aggem Thorncurse, though.

Deathspeaker Jargba: I love it when names were clearly picked by a can running across a keyboard. Jargba has Mind Control, which is the worst. I really hate bosses that can MC, even now. You can fear him, which is weird.

Agathelos the Raging: Agathelos has the distinction of being a straight up boar isntead of a Quillboar, which is pretty cool. He’s also huge. There’s litterally nothing else special about him. His drops even suck.

Overlord Ramtusk: So apparently, halfway through vanilla boss naming they just gave up. “Uh…Ramtusk.” He’s got a lot of armor, a lot of HP, two adds that fight with him, and level appropriate warrior abilities. A tough fight for a low level group.

Charlga Razorflank: You can tell she’s a female because she’s wearing a dress. She’s got chain lighting, a heal, an ability that fills her mana bar, a bubble, and immunity to shadow damage. They didn’t make their low level bosses cakewalks in the old days. She can easily wipe an ill prepared group.

Special Features:

A couple quests, including one given by a goblin inside the instance. Two rarespawn bosses to keep an eye out for, and even a few herbs to farm and nodes to mine. Not enough to make farming the area worthwhile, but enough to keep an adventurer active in the zone if he or she is already there.

Recommended for Levels: 22-27

To give you an idea, RFK wasn’t exactly a popular instance even back when it was first rolled out. While the art direction was inspired, the pathing back in those days was just insane, and groups got tired of criss-crossing and backtracking instances, and the rewards from the Kraul just weren’t worth it. It’s worth going in and taking a look at as an 80, if for no other reason than going in and clearing it out for the achievement. But for heirloom levelers trying to put on some XP with the Looking for Dungeon mechanic, you can do better than RFK.

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