Archive for July 2010

RAW Satire for 7/26/10

July 30, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: The Miz was just seconds away from not becoming WWE Champion. Sheamus learned what “DPS” stood for, and learned a macro for typing “Fella.” And if that wasn’t enough, John Cena revealed the absolute worst “Dream Team” in the history of our great sport. Maybe he’ll rectify that…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey! San Antonio! I wonder if Shawn Michaels is out in the concourse flipping burgers?

In the concourse….

Shawn Michaels: I still prefer this to having to wrestle Sheamus.

In the ring….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOOOOO!

is out there,
Seeking to destroy us,
Soon there will be no,
WWE to employ us!

They’re clicking on boars,
And beating on Cena,
But the time has come,
Gonna drive them from the arena!

I’ve got the raps of Truth,
The Spear of Edge,
The slowmo of Morrion,
And Bret Hart’s pledge!

Let’s not forget about Jericho,
Or for some reason Khali!
Ok, I’ll admit it,
Nobody else would team with me!

But this team is the elite,
WWE Superstars represent,
One of the best of the past,
And the worst of the present!

So now I stand in this ring,
And my motives are clear,
We’re going to beat the nXt
Because THE CHAM-

Chris Jericho: Never try an inspirational rap ever again. Ever. EEEEEEeeeever. Because, like, for serious? I now have absolutely no desire now to beat the nXt.

Cena: But…but…I rapped it out for you!

Jericho: I’m going to officially fire you from being the team leader right now. You might hate nXt more. Hell, I only really wanted in this match because I’m pissed at The Legal Eagle Wade Barrett. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. You might be the worst leader in the history of mankind. There is not a single person not named Yoshi Tatsu or Evan Bourne, neither of whom you actually asked to be on this team, who would listen to anything you had to say.

Cena: So I guess we’ll just have to have a match for control of the team then! The Liontamers versus the Cenation! Jericho versus Cena for control of the worst team of WWE Superstars ever to face another horrible team of WWE Superstars!

Jericho: Um…that’s not happening until next week.

Cena: No, no! I don’t care what the GM says, we’re doing this tonight!

Jericho: No, it’s literally happening next week. The show’s already been taped.

Cena: So…next week happened tonight?

Jericho: Yeah. We’ll be in China next week, so-

Cena: So are we in China right now?

Jericho: No. Not until next week.

Cena: BUT IT’S NEXT WEEK TONIGHT!

Cena slaps the microphone out of Jericho’s hand.

Cena: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.

Jericho: Honestly though, I really do think I hate you more than the nXt. Darren Young is just like a cuter version of you, and who can really hate The Legal Eagle?

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. All it says is, “Yip! Yip! This is a catchphrase!”

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy Uso and Tamina)

Sheamus is at ringside, lest somebody stray close enough for him to call them “Fella.“ That should just be his move now. I know that the Bicycle Kick is the Finisher of Champions™ but calling someone “fella” is much more devastating. Everybody is distracted by the Uso’s sweater vests to start. They look really smart. About ten seconds into the match, Jey trips over his and falls over. Orton wins! Sheamus walks into the ring to call Orton “fella” but he trips and falls over the Uso’s bodies. Orton wins again! The Miz comes out to cash in his Money in the Bank shot, but he trips over the pile of bodies slowly developing in the ring. Orton wins again! Again!

Backstage….

Edge: I mean, can a girl get a salad here? I hate as much as the next guy, but holy crap! The Great Khali? R-Truth? John Morrison?! How in the hell did I end up on Team Superstars?

Ted DiBiase: I really don’t care about you or anything you’re saying right now.

Maryse: Ted, let’s go swimming in a pool of imported Swiss chocolate!

DiBiase: Oh you! You’re just so…expensive….

Edge: Unbelievable. I’d still rather have Maryse on the team than Khali though.

Indian Eric Bischoff: I’ve been standing here the whole time, you know. Can you believe the nerve of this guy?

Tough Enough Jessie: I want to go swimming in chocolate! WAAAAAAAAH!

(ads)

Miz and Sheamus are still in the ring, trying to steal some sweater vests.

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW GM. You’re teaming up tonight to take on John Cena and Chris Jericho. And if you don’t like it, then you’re not cool. Spits apple.

Backstage….

Edge: Hello? Lita? Hey! How are you doing? It’s Edge! Nobody around here will listen to me anymore. Everybody’s just…swimming in cho…hello? Are you still there? Must’ve been a bad connection.

Indian Eric Bischoff: Or maybe even Lita hates you. Khali, this guy says you should be off the Summerslam team.

The Great Khali: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Edge: What’s he saying?

Indian Bischoff: He’s agreeing with you. He thinks Maryse would be a better member of team Superstars.

Edge: See? That’s what I’m saying! Great Khali, you really understand me.

Khali: AAAAAAAGGGGLLPPPP!

Edge: Uh?

Indian Bischoff: The Great Khali humbly asks if you’ll make a pool of chocolate for him to swim in.

(ads)

The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff) vs. Edge

Michael Cole is commentating with himself because Jerry “” Lawler is booked for a match in a couple minutes, and apparently WWE Diva Josh Mathews is getting his nails done. Seriously though, Indian Eric Bischoff is right there. Why not just have him do it? I’m guessing that this means that Edge wasn’t able to make the Swiss Chocolate Bath happen for Khali though. A minute in the nXt rolls out and Edge and WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson immediately bail. Aw, come on lil’ Naitch! I thought you had more guts than that! You wrestled that woman that one time! The nXt just feels bad for Khali though, so they pat him on the back and let him go.

Backstage, the terrifying team of The Hart Dynasty, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, Jerry “” Lawler, Yoshi Tatsu, and Goldust ponder how WWE managed to put together an even worse team than Cena‘s.

(ads)

The Hart Dynasty, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, Jerry “” Lawler, Yoshi Tatsu, and Goldust (w/ Natalya) vs. The nXt
In an Elimination Match

Yoshi Tatsu is somehow eliminated before his team even makes it to the ring. Oh well. It’s been a long road since that big Wrestlemania DVD match, eh. The nXt guys tag in and out efficiently, showing the great amount of experience they have over the other guys, although, to be honest, I think the Hart Bourne stable would be way more awesome. is so in control, in fact, that when Justin Gabriel gets overwhelmed by the powerful Jerry “” Lawler, everybody acts shocked and pulls him out of the ring. Oh come on, you knew full well that Lawler was going to get his.

(ads)

Hilariously, Jerry was eliminated during the break by Heath Slater, who I don’t even think was paying attention. Way to keep yourself over, though, Jerry. Shouldn’t Michael Cole or Justin Roberts be in this match anyway? I mean, I know you’re not going to get Steamboat, but please. Heath Slater also gets a pin on the Canadian Bulldog, because he’s clearly the best worker on either team. Goldust comes in, much to the delight of the eight people who still remember Goldust is on this show, and immediately is floored by David Otunga’s mention that he has a child with Oscar winning actress Jennifer Hudson! That’s his move! Skip Sheffield finishes Mark Henry off with a clothesline (seriously? I’m disappointed in everyone), and then he does the same to Tyson Kidd who had been backflipping around the ring this whole time. Evan Bourne just starts running around the ring punching everything that moves, but Wade Barrett hits him with the Legal Eagle (that’s his move!) for the win.

Wade Barrett: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you beat a team of guys who couldn’t buy their way onto Monday Night RAW and an old announcer. Which proves, I think, that we’re really onto something with this whole nXt thing, and there’s no way we lose to Cena’s D-Team at Summerfest.

Skip Sheffield: Yip-

Barrett: No!

Michael Tarver: Mmmn Fnna! nFm iff gamma dfffty mmm!

Backstage….

Sheamus: Look, give it up, fella. You might as well give that briefcase to somebody who can actually use it, because you’re never going to be able to cash it in on me.

The Miz: I’ll have you know that nobody uses this briefcase more than I would! I keep my collection of jaunty hats in here, some candy bars in case I get hungry, about fifty pages of documents so that I can sit at the airport and look busy and nobody will bother me at the airport, and-

Sheamus grabs the briefcase and throws it down the hall.

Sheamus: Maybe one of the rats will become WWE Champion before you!

Shawn Michaels: Hey! SOME people are trying to cook over here! And not get mentioned on that Health Inspection list, ok?

(ads)

Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) vs. Alicia Fox (w/ Jillian Hall)

Nikki and Brie switch spots, but nobody cares. We’re on a tight deadline here people! We’ve got to pack a whole next week plus a tour of China in yet tonight. Really, I wonder if whichever Bella Twin got that pelvic tattoo regrets it now that her whole job is to basically wear skimpy outfits and pretend to be her sister every ten minutes. This match doesn’t even go that long, as it ended somewhere during the sentence “Nikki and Brie switch spots, but nobody cares.” Jillian tries to sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic to commemorate Alicia’s valiant win, but she gets an Axe Kick to the throat instead.

(ads)

Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) vs. John Morrison

R-Truth is at ringside just in case Maryse still wants that chocolate bath. Hiyoooooo! I’ll be here literally until next week. Try the veal. It’s made from baby cows. Just like Maryse’s shoes and Morrison’s abs. Morrison misses his move (That’s His Move!). It’s pretty sad when we’ve gotten to the point where we actually making that part of the match, Mr. Nitro. We’re walking where Billy Kidman has trod now. Morrison and Truth accidentally collide on the outside, which opens up a lane for DiBiase to roll Morrison up for the win. After the match, R-Truth is all, “What’s up?” and John Morrison is all, “The roof of the building.” And R-Truth is like, “Oh.” John Cena is backstage looking perplexed at this action.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I have to ask you, aren’t you glad you’re in the WWE Title Match and away from all this Team Cena/nXt garbage for now?

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the JAPW Gril’s Chocolatechip. And John, I feel pretty grape being here blackstage with you and away from .

Mathews: I meant in general, but you know what? I’m cool with that answer. You may leave. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the rest of my nails done.

The Mi-

(ads)

The Miz and Sheamus vs. John Cena and Chris Jericho

Rare is the day when we get two hilariously mismatched tag teams in one match. In fact, it starts off with Miz, Sheamus, Cena, and Jericho all bitching at each other because none of them want to start this match. They settle on Miz versus Cena, because Sheamus does not care about winning. Sheamus does finally tag in, though, and the rats are backstage watching the monitor, waiting for their opportunity to win the title. Miz rolls his eyes at all this, and we’re going to go ahead and take a break.

(ads)

When we come back, Miz and Sheamus are finally playing nice. Sheamus mostly because if Miz eats the pinfall here, Sheamus can call him “fella” and Miz mostly because he’s hoping Sheamus will help him take out the rats later so he can get his collection of hats back. Sheamus hasn’t even tried for the Bicycle Kick yet. It’s the Finisher of Champions, Sheamus! I know it’s no calling somebody “fella” but still. Jericho gets sick of all this crap, and hits Cena with a Codebreaker. Miz grabs the win. Jericho and Cena ignore that and trade submission holds until The Great Khali comes out to be the voice of reason. Of course? While “AAAAAAGH!” is pretty convincing, Edge comes out and Spears him anyway. Morrison and Truth, hilariously, run all the way out to the ring together JUST so they can argue with each other out with everybody else. Like, you didn’t have enough room backstage to fight each other, guys? Khali just gets sick of this crap and chops everybody in the face and walks out. Truly, he is the greatest amongst them.

Next Week: It will be this week again, so it’s just all this same crap. Plus we’ll be in China, only we’re not. Thank God we won’t be in Chyna. I’m just saying. Also, the rats cash in their Money in the Bank contract and win the WWE Spinin’ Title, which immediately becomes the best ride at San Antonio RatWorld.

Sam and Max: Beyond the Alley of the Dolls Review

July 29, 2010 Video Games No comments

We forge ahead veering towards the ending of the third season of Tell Tale’s now legendary Sam and Max series, the game that quite honestly saved the adventure genre (though not point and click, sadly). I found the last two episodes to be a little bit of a let down, so let’s check in and see how things are going in Episode Four.

The game picks up right where we left off, with Sam having recovered from his brain stealing episode, and having some new superpowered toys to play with. Before the heroes have too much time to recover, a horde of Sam clones shows up, hell bent on grabbing them toys.

It’s one of the more enjoyable plots of the new season, and the first that I really liked from start to finish, though the whole series has a weird tilt to it this season. The delivery is a lot more busy and plotted out, which is more mature, but it’s starting to feel more stilted and less off-the-cuff than the weirdness of the first two seasons.

I don’t know whether it’s a good or bad thing. It’s harder this year to take them as seperate episodes, because they’re not, really, they’re more the child of Tales of Monkey Island than of the earlier Sam and Max iterations. If the series is going to grow it’s going to have to balance that maturation and the inanity of the game’s concepts, sort of like it did at the beginning of Episode 3.
Extra Features:

No special features to speak of as of yet.

Technical:

No issues, as even the review builds are almost as polished as the ones that hit the streets these days. A few graphics dropped in and out at the very beginning of the episode, but it was nothing important or bothersome, and the issues never popped up again after the first ten minutes.

Graphics:

For whatever it’s worth, the graphics in this episode seem much more involved and finely detailed than even the ones from earlier this year. I know they’ve been slowly working on that more 3D animated feel since the Wallace and Grommit games, but after having sort of plateued during Tales of Monkey Island, this and the previous episode seem to be doing more with what they’ve been working with so far.

That’s especially clear in the sets. In Sam and Max Seasons 1 and 2, the backgrounds were almost too cluttered. Here they’re just as busy, but there at least seems to be an order to things. Again, I think it’s more to do with TellTale’s maturation as a developer than anything else.

Sound:

Dialog, as always, is very good and very well delivered. I hope you love the Sam voice as much as I do, because it’s in overdrive here. Newer characters continue to be not quite as strong as the ones from past seasons, but that’s nitpicking. Everybody’s pretty great in this episode.

I’ve always been a big fan of the music in these games, and once again, every piece fits every scene and note to a tee. While I think the music could always be better integrated (especially since they’re so great with showstopping musical numbers out of nowhere), I really did enjoy most of the musical nuances this time out.

Replay Value:

No real reason to go back through unless you think you missed a joke or two in your first playthrough.

Final Score: 8/10

For the first time this season, I think they really hit on all cylanders, which is too bad because the Season’s almost over. While I started out in Season 1 not sold on the episodic nature, they won me over to their side, because it fit the cartoony nature of the series so perfectly. So now I’m not completely sold on the full narative arc thing they’re going for this year.

That said, as an episode, I’d rank this as one of their better ones. The jokes and puzzles all hit really well, better than anything they’ve done thus far (with the exception of the intro to Episode 3), and while Max’s powers are starting to get a bit tedious, they’re all integrated well into the puzzle structure this time out, and I get the feeling they ultimately won’t wear out their welcome after next month.

If you’re interested in taking a look at the game, you can download a copy of the PC Demo at the TellTale Website.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Stratholme

July 28, 2010 World of Warcraft One comment

Lore:

Stratholme was one of the big cities in the Kingdom of Lordaeron. Unfortunately, they got a shipment of tainted grain from Kel’Thuzad, and the whole town got turned into zombies. This was actually the key turning point (as seen in Warcraft 3 and the Culling of Stratholme instance) where Arthas lost his support and started to be corrupted, as he slaughtered half the town to prevent them from turning to Scourge.

So now it sits, the Scourge’s main attack point in the Eastern Kingdoms, run by Baron Rivendare (pre-Naxxaramas) or, I guess, *a* Baron Rivendare. On the other side of the city, the Scarlet Crusade has gained a foothold and is trying to clean out the area for their own purposes.

Degree of Difficulty: Medium

Stratholme, thankfully, is a very well situated instance. There are two main wings, and either one is pretty easy to get through these days. The debuffs the zombies used to cast (incluidng a long ass -50% healing one) are all toned down or gone, and the trash itself never presents much of an issue, except for the Crypt Lords who have a silence, Gargoyles who fly through the instance and can pull extra trash with them if you don’t pick them off, and the Eye of Naxxaramus, which is stealthed and just really fricking annoying.

The boss fights, on the other hand, are laughably easy. At level they never provide much difficulty, and if you’re running this at anything higher than level 65 or so, you can pretty much just put them on autoattack and ignore. The only really tricky fight in the whole instance is Rivendare himself, mostly because he can heal himself 10% for any skeletal servents you leave up during his add phases. But, make sure you kill them quickly and it’s smooth sailing.

Special Features:

The Deathcharger. The reason why I (and so many other people) hate this instance to death. In Vanilla, Rivendare’s Deathcharger (an exclusive Undead horse model) was a 1/5000 drop. A few years ago, Blizzard reworked the loot table to make it 1/100. But good luck telling that to me (or any of the millions who’ve run this instance). I’m currently sitting at 230 runs without seeing it, and there are plenty of people who have 300-400 runs under their belts with no Charger.

Recommended for Levels: 55-60

As far as leveling goes, the “live” side (containing the Scarlet Crusade incursion) is definately the way to go. There’s less trash and the boss fights are a little less tedious. And the loot drops on live side aren’t that bad either, so you get a nice mixture when running the instance. Plus it doesn’t take that long to rush through with a decent group.

Achievement, loot, and mount whores like myself will be running Undead side for the rest of our lives, or at least until Cataclysm comes along and (possibly) wipes out Rivendare’s loot table. If I never get that mount, I’m going to be so pissed. Save yourself a lot of time and make sure you kill the first boss of Undead side Magistrate Barthalas. He drops a key that will let you get right into that section of the instance through the “back door” at Eastwall Gate in Eastern Plaguelands.

YouTube Monday: An Oriole Makes It to Third

July 26, 2010 YouTube No comments

Unfortunately, it was a fan. Check it as the Orioles’ 90 year old security guards just let this dude wander around with million dollar athletes ten feet away. Eventually the umpire tells the guy to knock it off, and because you don’t argue with an umpire, the guy finally takes a seat, and the security decides that *that* would be the time to do their MMA takedown.

Seriously, though, the moral of the story is, if you want to run out onto the field at some baseball stadium some day, Camden Yards is the spot.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for July 18th – 24th, 2010

July 26, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Is That A Radio in Your Underwear, or Are You Happy to See Me? Our good friends at Wal-Mart are developing a new tag to be attached to clothing to make it easier to track inventory and prevent theft. I think it sounds all right, but privacy advocates are worried about the fact that criminals can scan for the tags as well, and might find out how big your waistband is. The horror!

2. Some Lady Got Fired over Some Thing. America, let me let you in on a little secret. All bloggers are idiots with their pants on their heads and their fingers up their nose. Every single one of them. Including me. Hell, especially me. So when some dude goes on a website and claims to have the “real scoop” on what some lady said at the NAACP banquet about white people? He’s full of shit. And it goes both ways. If some lady goes on Huffington post to tell you the inside story about what’s going on at the Tea Party this month? She’s full of shit. Welcome to the Internet.

3. Some Lady Went to Prison. Oh, Lindsay. Your meth and coke fueled trip through Hollywood was enough to entertain us for years. But seriously, it’s time to let it go. Like Britney Spears before you, one can only take so much of your stupid crazy before you’ve got to get your act (sort of) together and start doing stuff again, or we’re going to lose interest. Or your drug dealer boyfriend will kill you and then himself like Brittany Murphy.

4. Comic Con Now Featuring 30% Less Comics. Video Game Announcements! TV schedules for basic cable! The Lost people sitting around begging people to like how the show ended! Movie stars promoting some sort of weird knock off to a remake of another unrelated film! If all that says “Comic Books” to you, then why aren’t you in Seattle right now in line to see all the Slave Leias?

5. How ’bout Them Immunity Challenges? Details about the next season of Survivor were leaked onto the Internet this week, and amongst them are that former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson is one of the cast members. He’s apparently a big fan of the show and tried out a few years ago, but health issues prevented him from making the trip. Supposedly the “gimmick” this year is a young tribe vs old tribe deal, so maybe Jimmy and his hair will get to stay around a bit longer with the old farts before somebody finally gets sick of having an old rich guy out there.

RAW Satire for 7/19/10

July 22, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Night: Finally, More Kane though you’ll never get to see it on this show. The Miz won Money in the Bank in what can only be described as “a ladder match.” And Sheamus held on to the WWE Spinnin’ Title with the unwitting help of nXt who were actually trying to get his lucky charms. Maybe they’ll get them…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho vs. Edge
In a #1 Contenders Match

This is the match that they’re leading off with? It must be a jam packed night! I can hardly wait. Cole immediately begins rattling off e-mails that he’s gotten from the GM about things that mostly have nothing to do with anything. The GM likes to talk a lot I guess. Wait…talks a lot, does all his work before the show and then doesn’t bother to show up…it’s Scott Hall! Except I don’t think Scotty knows how to use a computer. Or who Wade Barrett is. Jericho with the Codebreaker It doesn’t get the pin, of course. Because we’re only, like ten seconds in.

(ads)

Seriously though, I kind of got shafted with this. The Miz is my Money in the Bank champion? I just missed out on Kane! Kane!! I’m so sad. Jericho bails out to the outside to try to convince people to watch his game show. I did actually catch it last week. Things falling off buildings is pretty much where we’re at as a society, so I’d like to congratulate him for having his finger on the pulse of the viewing audience. Jericho winds up on a treadmill where he falls off a building. Orton wins. Edge is so upset by Randy’s win that he gets a migraine and falls over too. Orton wins again! Orton gets to fight Sheamus twice!

(ads)

Edge and Jericho are still in the ring.

Edge: I can’t believe that was the opening match. So, anyway, I have an idea to settle our stupid feud.

Jericho: Bagel eating contest?

Edge: No. Let me come on your show! I need a million dollars and a giant gumball machine.

Jericho: Do you even have any friends that would help you on the show?

Edge: Sure I do! There’s…um…well?

Jericho: At least I have my best friend in the world Wade Barrett. Sure, the nXt guys tried to kill me a couple times, but we’re good now. After all, nobody loves Chris Jericho more than their leader, the Legal Eagle.

Hey, it’s nXt!

Wade Barrett: WoW update! Skip is in the Cataclysm Beta, which sucks because everybody in is interested in what’s going on, but none of us can understand what he’s talking about.

Skip Sheffield: Yip! Yip! This is a catchphrase!

Barrett: Shut up, Skip. Anyway, Edge, we’d love to be your friends.

Edge: Really?!

Barrett: No.

And then the nXt takes Edge out. Jericho gets a few kicks in as well, until Barrett pulls him off.

Barrett: Chris, I have a confession to make. I never really understood the “Legal Eagle” nickname.

Jericho: It’s…well…you see…Eagles! And they’re majestic! And legal. And…you have…a big nose?

Barrett: AFTER HIM!

And attacks him too. I have to admit, I like the look of Michael Tarver wearing a handkerchief mask, but man that must be really uncomfortable to wear out there all the time.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with the nXt.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and, Wade Barrett only please, what do you have to say for yourselves after that last segment?

Wade Barrett: Josh, you’ll see later tonight when I beat the hell out of Mark Henry. The nXt is taking over WWE Monday Night RAW, and there’s nothing you or anybody can do about it, or I’m not “The Legal Eagle” Wade Barrett.
Mathews: I thought you hated that name.

Barrett: Yeah, I do. But I’ve already got the tights made up.

Sheamus: Hey guys, I’m a young guy who got pushed way too soon, are you sure I can’t just join nXt?

Barrett: Do you play World of Warcraft?

Sheamus: Fella, that game is for sissies and fellas.

Barrett: You’d better leave now before we beat you over the head with a laptop.

Sheamus: That’s fair.

Elsewhere, John Cena is on the Titantron. What, they couldn’t find anybody else backstage to interview him? What’s Dean Malenko up to?

John Cena: I sort of can’t believe that I got beat up by Justin Gabriel last week. But I kind of deserve it. But you know the old saying, if you can’t beat them, get beat by them and then stand up.

(ads)

Eve Torres vs. Maryse (w/ Ted DiBiase)

Really, Teddy’s the best valet. DiBiase proudly proclaims that if Maryse can win the match, that she’ll be the number one contender for the Divas Title. Not to downplay ol’ Maurice or this angle, but really? I mean who else is going to be number one contender? It’s not like they have a whole lot of choices here and it might as well be Maryse. Of course, it’s not going to happen because Alicia Fox is a heel. Sure enough, Eve gets the pin, even though Maryse was in the ropes. DiBiase starts bitching, correctly honestly, but nobody likes a whiner, so John Morrison comes out and misses his move at him. That was almost his move!

(ads)

We’re in the ring….

Sheamus: You’re all a bunch of fellas. But I can’t wait until I get done downloading World of Warcraft so that I can make a little girl and join that guild or whatever the hell. I have no idea what I’m talking about any more. But everybody agrees that I’d be a better member than Heath Slater.

The Miz: Hey, buddy. I’m just going to come on out here and lurk behind you all night with this Money in the Bank briefcase. You know. Just in case the opportunity arises for me to wail on you and get a cheap pin. Just like everybody else who’s ever used it. Well…Just about everybody. Damn you, Rob Van Dam.

Michael Cole: E-mail from the RAW General Manager. It just says, “Yeah! All right!!” Whatever that means.

(ads)

Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus

This match actually started some time during that last segment, but I stopped paying attention to everything after Sheamus said “Fellas.” It’s really the high point of all his segments now. I will say that the idea of Miz waiting with bated on frigging Evan Bourne to kick Sheamus’ ass enough that he can steal the title amuses me to no end. I think Sheamus should roll a warlock. He just seems like a warlock kind of guy. Sheamus with the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win. Afterwards, Miz whacks Sheamus with the briefcase, but WWE RAW Referee John Cone won’t start the match until Sheamus can recite the lyrics to Men At Work’s seminal 1981 hit “Down Under.” That doesn’t seem quite fair. Then R-Truth comes out to find out “What’s Up?” and Miz bails on the whole idea. Can he do that? I guess so. Why hasn’t this ever come up before?

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with The Miz.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with The Miz. And, Miz, I have to ask you, that didn’t really go quite as planned, huh?

The Miz: You know what? Shut up, Josh.

Mathews: I mean, you go to cash in the briefcase, but you knock Sheamus out TOO hard, and then goddamn R-Truth comes running out to chase you off with his rap stylings. I mean…How embarrassing for you!

Miz: I’m just going to hang back and wait until somebody shorter is WWE champion. Or until they fire John Cone.

Mathews: Yes. Mike Mizanin, master strategist.

Elsewhere, Sheamus looks put down.

Gail Kim: Even we can laugh at how terrible you are, red guy!

The Bella Twins: We’d be more convincing WWE Champions.

Sheamus: You guys, that’s really mean. I’m still WWE Champion! And Miz didn’t even get a match against me! Now get out of here before I call you all “fella.”

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, and former holster of the WWE Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I have one word of warming for you, Shameless. You’re a Tarpit and I’m Kane Mart! Paypal to go on sale!

Elsewhere, John Cena is learning all about Twitter.

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Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov vs. William Regal and Zack Ryder

This is like if Head Cheese were still around, but Al and Steve weren’t really allowed to do anything other than look lovingly at each other and occasionally have matches. For whatever it’s worth, I’d still probably watch if their sitcom was just about that. That’s not any different than The Big Bang Theory is it? That’s a genuine question, because I have no idea what The Big Bang Theory is about, and I always just assume it’s about a crazy little Italian and his best friend, a huge Russian guy with no personality. Vlad beats up Ryder just long enough for Santino to get the pin. That’s their move! Regal spends the entire match on the phone with his agent, trying to get through to Ashley Greene.

Backstage, is furiously trying to grind Zalandar Tribe rep in case they take it out for Cataclysm. Go for the mounts, you guys!

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Wade Barrett vs. Mark Henry

This is your main event folks. Yep. That’s right, it’s a guy who wasn’t on the show six months ago, and Mark Henry. Talk about a ratings bonanza! They should’ve sent Heath Slater out here. Anyway, the story of the match is that Mark is fat, and Wade doesn’t really know how to combat that, except constantly punching him in the top of the head until something interesting happens. nXt comes out to watch, and while that’s not really interesting, per se, Barrett uses that as an excuse to hit the World’s Worst Bodyslam for the win. I think Wade blew out his back trying that one. But, in all fairness, I’m pretty sure that’s how Kurt Angle beat Henry too.

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Is…is this show still going? Ugh. are still in the ring, and Michael Tarver has a mic. Oh boy.

Michael Tarver: Mmmmf Cnan gmmf-

Heath Slater: Err…I’ll take this. John Cena, get on out here so that we can pretend to like you for five seconds and then attack you.

Justin Gabriel: Oh gee. Way to let him know the plan, Heath.

Darren Young: To be fair, we’ve been doing it all night. It’s not exactly a surprise any more.

Gabriel: You’re back? Nice haircut, dweeb.

Skip Sheffield: Y-

David Otunga: Nobody cares.

John Cena: Let’s see, my choices are either join nXt and wear your stupid Seasame Street T-Shirt-

Wade Barrett: N is for New Main Eventer!

Cena: Or get punched a lot and then stand back up and beat the hell out of all of you.

Barrett: That is…more or less what we’re saying. Yes. Look, how about this? You can either leave the ring and forget the fact that we’re wasting everybody’s time with all this crazy crap. Or we beat you up and then we run away like a bunch of big babies so you can’t get back at us.

Cena: Well I have a better a idea. How about I have a bunch of guys come out here so we can set up a PPV match that gets you on Summerslam, but keeps us all away from the main event for one month.

Barrett: I’m listening.

Cena: Well then here’s the crack team of real winners that I have assembled to finally beat the nXt! Edge, Chris Jericho, John Morrison, R-Truth…uh…The Great Khali? And-

Barrett: Brian Danielson?!

Slater: Evan Bourne? You wouldn’t leave your best friend off the team, right? Especially not for Khali, I hope?

Tarver: Gllfft?

Gabriel: Michael Cole?

Sheffield: Ricky Steamboat?!

Young: Yoshi Tatsu?

Otunga: Jennifer Hudson?

Cena: Um…No. Bret Hart! The guy you tried to kill in a limo!

Barrett: Look out, guys! It’s two people who hate Cena and each other, a guy who can’t hit his move, rapping man who loses all the time, slow comedy man, and a guy who had a stroke not that long ago! Run away!

nXt bails through the crowd while Cena celebrates in the ring with his crack team of the worst special forces ever. The Great Khali comes in about ten minutes later, and I think, as you’re reading this, Bret still hasn’t made it down there. But by golly, he’s going to make it by Summerslam! I can almost guarantee it!

Next Week: The RAW GM can’t believe that Cena would feel free to book his own PPV matches, even though literally no one else is surprised. Also, debuts a new T-Shirt so that if all the members stand together, it’ll eventually spell something! And The Miz accidentally tries to cash in his Money in the Bank contract on himself, becoming WWE United States Champion for the third time.

World of Warcraft: Lower Blackrock Spire

July 22, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

Blackrock Mountain is not a fun place to be. Previously, we visited the Dark Iron city in the Blackrock Depths, but their upstairs neighbors aren’t really any friendlier. Here we have the Black Dragonflight, the followers of the evil Aspect of Earth Deathwing and their hangers on the Blackrock Clan.

Mostly, you’ll be fighting Blackrock Clan henchmen in LBRS, lead by their Warchief Rend Blackhand, who spends most of his days crying in his throne room because Thrall gets his own comic books and statues and all Rend gets for starting the Dark Horde is to be a 5-man boss that nobody does anymore.

Degree of Difficulty: Hard

It’s not actually that the instance itself is hard, because it really isn’t. But there’s just a ton of walking around, backtracking, and jumping off high walls if you want to get anywhere. Bring a map and alot a couple hours if you decide to do it, because even at 80 you’re going to have to push through a lot of trash, and finding Rend is a little like finding Waldo.

Once you get to him, however, the bosses aren’t difficult at all. They hit hard, but there’s no real surprises or huge gimmicks that will prevent you from finishing the instance with a good group or a decently geared solo. It should be noted that there’s not really a “firm” end to LBRS, because it’s designed to lead right into UBRS, which is, of course, a raid.

Special Features:

Not much. You have to run through here at least once to make your way into Upper Blackrock Spire, the first raid in the Black Dragonflight series (which will continue in Cataclysm), so if you eventually want to get attuned to Blackwing Lair too, you’re going to have to run it eventually.

Recommended for Levels: 55-60

Lower Blackrock Spire is a lot like Blackrock Depths. It was made during Blizzard’s “Make a Maze and Fill it with Trash” phase, and as such, it really suffers from being a boring mess. Take a wrong turn? Accidentally knock yourself off a ledge? Well, then you’re pretty much back at the start. Which is too bad, because there are parts of the instance that are actually fun.

Unless you’re shooting for acchievements or trying to get yourself attuned up for UBRS and Blackwing Lair, however, there’s no way I can recommend running Blackrock Spire. There’s just so many better things to do once you get to level 55 and are capable of really running this place, that it’s not worth your time or effort. Do a few quests, run a few battlegrounds, and stick yourself in Outlands as soon as you can.

World of Warcraft: Dire Maul

July 22, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

Dire Maul used to be a huge Night Elf city used as sort of a temple/bank of arcane energy for Queen Azshara. When the Sundering hit, a lot of the city got destroyed, but it was far enough away from the blast zone that enough ruins were standing to house a pretty sizable population of whoever decided to wander in.

So, now the city is overrun with ogres, the ghosts of the elves killed by the Sundering, evil trees, satyrs who are trying to move back in, and one group of Highborne night elves who have locked themselves away in the city’s great Library in the hopes that they can read all these books before Cataclysm forces them out again.

Special Reputation:

Dire Maul is the first instance with its own faction, the Shen’drelar. Completing turn-in quests will slowly level your standing with this faction until Exalted. It’s a long, long, tedious grind, and unique in that you do not get any rep for killing in the dungeons. This faction rep is part of “The Insane” achievement.

Degree of Difficulty: Hard

Dire Maul, thankfully, is split up into three connected wings. So, like Scarlet Monestary, you don’t have to run the whole instance. In fact, running the whole instance in one sitting, unless you’re 80 and doing a comedy run or Shen’drelar rep. There is just a lot of trash, very densely packed throughout.

Like BRD before it, if you can successfully slog through all the trash, the bosses aren’t particularily hard. In fact, there are some pretty fun boss fights in the instance. Most notably the Ogre final battle, which involves you trying to clear all the ogres off the platform but one (the healer, naturally, a lot like BRD’s final boss fight), who will then declare your party Kings/Queens of the Ogres and drop a chest containing some extra loot.

Special Features:

Lots of bosses to fight and trash to do, which is always fun. A lot of quests, including the one for the Paladin Charger go through here. The Ogre instance is one of the most interesting and cleverly put together, with boss fights that you can skip if you have certain items in your inventory to “trick” the bosses. Also, as I said before, a small neutral area containing the Shen’dralar faction in the middle of the instance.

Recommended for Levels: 53-61

Dire Maul is the isntance where Blizzard started to get things figured out. Not fully, I don’t think, because the sheer amount of trash was not enjoyable at all, but in terms of having a clear split in the instance, and having some reason to run it other than “get gear.” The addition of a seperate faction and unique boss fights was really pleasant, and the only reason some of us ran it in vanilla.

It’s really hard to recommend Dire Maul, however. Yeah, it’s great for doing The Insane or for Goblin rep runs thanks to the “Free Knot” quest, but other than that, it’s just a long instance with a bunch of boss fights and an horribly boring amount of trash. Run it once to get the achievement, or a billion times to get rep, but if you’re at level, there’s a million more interesting things you could be doing with your time.

YouTube Monday: Phone Calls

July 20, 2010 YouTube No comments

Mel Gibson is an ass. I don’t think anybody’s going to argue that at this point. Christian Bale is an ass. A little less obvious, perhaps, but still, there’s enough proof out there to say that it’s probably true.

Let’s get them on the phone together.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for July 11th – 17th, 2010

July 19, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. BP Tries It Again. What the heck right? Infinite chances to try this seal thing out. BP put a cap on their leaking oil well, and while early indicators aren’t good (it’s still leaking, just not as much) I have to give them points for trying. So, +2, BP. You’re still at -1,000,000 though.

2. Inception Is a Big Deal, Don’t Know Why. Inception, the film that finally brings together the director of the last two Batman movies, Leonardo DiCaprio, the kid from “3rd Rock from the Sun,” and Juno has rocketed to the top of IMDB’s best movies of all time. Why? No idea, but it sounds like a great idea for a terrible David Cage game. Somebody get on this.

3. ICP Fans Have a Bit of a Sense of Humor, ICP on the Other Hand…. Scientists Flashmobed an ICP concert last week, dressed in face paint and holding impromptu lectures about how the fuck magnets work, and why Ass Dan’s kids look just like Ass Dan. The fans were joking around about it (surprisingly), but ICP sent their security guards to break the party up. Geez, guys. Maybe you shouldn’t have written “Miracles” then.

4. 1 vs 100 Cancelled for XBox Live. Only a couple years behind the TV version! Seriously, though, I never played it, but the concept of an actual gameshow being run over a game console was a pretty neat idea. Ultimately it didn’t pan out, but I expect that the best parts of it will be salvaged in some other game. Like Dragon Age 2 is doing to Alpha Protocol.

5. George Steinbrenner Died. On one hand, nobody loved baseball more than George, and his passion for the game and for the Yankees in particular was charming and should be honored. On the other hand, he singlehandedly ruined free agency and his attempts to create mercenary teams of eleven all stars were terrible for the game of baseball and set things back decades. So…so long, George.

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