Archive for September 2010

RAW Satire 9/27/10

September 30, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: John Cena basically already ended . Chris Jericho basically ended his career by not ending his career. And Edge started a feud fewd with a computer and Michael Cole. Who will he feud with…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

The Miz and Alex Riley vs. Daniel Bryan and John Morrison

Miz comes out bitching that he has to face Daniel Bryan every week. Even Alex Riley seems like he’s sick of it, and he’s only been around for a month. Bryan is still riding with the valkyries. I want him to start teaming with R-Truth. What rap would he come up with? Where will the Bananarama end up? What will Daniel Bryan be like when he gets crunk? Why am I way more interested in that than whatever is going on in this match? Miz pushes Daniel-san out of the ring and hits his move on Morri-san for the win. That’s His Move! After the match, Riley and Miz continue their assault on Bryan until Morrison lazily wanders back to the ring. Where the hell has he been?

Michael Cole: E-mail from the RAW General Manager. He says that I can’t act all crazy anymore and he wants to suck my blood.

Daniel Bryan: So nothing about us then?

Cole: Don’t you talk to me.

The Miz: Nothing about a three way submissions match between me, Daniel, and Morrison for the U.S. Title at the Pay Per View?

Alex Riley: Hey! What about me?

Cole: Nope. Nothing about that or whoever this other guy is.

John Morrison: Boy it’s a good thing Miz and I know submission moves. Like…um…there’s…the….

Miz: Wet Willy?

Morrison: Miz! Geez. What we did in the Palace of Wisdom is just between us!

Backstage, the Divas are holding a summit on what to do about the mosque in New York.

(ads)

Melina vs. Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torres vs. Jillian Hall vs. Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella vs. Tamina vs. Maryse vs. Gail Kim vs. Natalya vs. Melina
For the Number One Contendership for the Undefined Divas Title

Melina is eliminated during the ring entrances. Thanks for coming back! Michelle McCool and Layla El are also down at ringside watching on, though Michelle seems a little distracted. Probably because her Step-Father-in-Law finally ate himself out of that box of oatmeal. I’ve lost track of who’s in this match, much less who has been eliminated. How about that girl’s nXt? That Alexis Laree sure is a hoot, huh? And the internet girl, with the gigantic thighs. Yeah. She sure is…something. Natalya throws Alicia through the TitanTron and apparently won the match. Layla and Michelle look like they’re…not even paying attention right now.

A video package of John Cena doing promotion for Legendary would be much less depressing if it wasn’t him just sitting in an empty room frowning.

(ads)

Backstage….

Maryse: If you’re still in love with moi and not this mystery woman, then why aren’t you ever my valet? I could’ve used you out there!

Ted DiBiase: Listen, I’m a dude. Dudes don’t valet for girls. Even girls as mean and bitchy as you.

Maryse: Well maybe girls as mean and bitchy as me don’t valet for guys as stupid and pigheaded as you.

DiBiase: Fair enough. Oh, hey! Look! A letter taped to our door!

Maryse: Why do you have your own locker room by the way?

DiBiase: Shut up. Here’s a letter! It says, “You’d never have to valet for me!” Haha! I’m generically attractive enough for two women!

In the ring….

Sheamus: Let me tell you fellas an old Irish parable. There once was a girl from Dublin, and I kicked her in the face. The Finisher of Champions! So seriously, has anybody even seen Triple H lately? I dropped by his office the other day, but it was just wall to wall cat toys, baby blankets, and posters of late 90s popstar Sarah McLachlan. That could be you, Randy Orton! That could be you!

(ads)

Sheamus vs. The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff)

I don’t know, I’ve always thought of Randy as more of a dog person. A tiny, yappy dog person. Michael Cole is, apparently, trying to get himself fired now, because he’s doing nothing but talk about Mick Foley and “Countdown to Lockdown” which is, of course, the book where he bitches about Vince McMahon, quits, and goes to TNA. Sheamus whacks Khali with a chair in honor of Foley for the DQ. Then Sheamus nails two Bicycle Kicks (The Finishers of Champions!) for good measure.

(ads)

Edge is in the ring for the Cutting Edge with…a computer.

Edge: Mysterious RAW General Manager, I hate you. Why don’t you just tell us who you are.

The Computer: I can’t do that Edge.

Edge: Holy crap! The RAW GM is Stephen Hawking!

Computer: Aliens are going to kill us all, Edge.

Edge: Don’t you realize how stupid and played out this thing has gotten? Jericho and I are the only ones who even care anymore! Well, I guess Cole probably cares.

Michael Cole: Nope! Have you even been paying attention lately?

Computer: That’s funny, Edge, because nobody’s cared about you for five years. Can a girl get a salad here, am I right?

Edge: Dammit! I will not be talked down to by a computer! Who are you anyway?! At least tell me that! Steve Austin? The Rock? Lita? Betty White?! Oh, God. You know what? I bet you’re Kanye West! Interrupting people in the middle of segments and autotuning your voice is so last year! Get out here so I can finally punch you in the face.

Computer: Don’t hate, yo!

Edge: Ugh. I’m going to go get Jericho. He’ll know what to do.

Computer: Seriously? Jericho doesn’t know anything about computers. Have you ever even met the guy?

Edge: Shut up, computer!

Computer: I’m a computer and I’m Awesome!

(ads)

Edge vs. John Cena

is backstage watching Dancing with the Stars. Anything rather than watch these two clash for the 900th time. Hey! That’s a pretty important milestone. The Computer is watching the match intensely. That’s kind of weird. Don’t be such a creeper, Computer. We’re not thirty seconds into the match, and Cena has already gone for the Attitude Adjustment and the STFU. Does he have somewhere to be today? Geez. I guess so, because at five minutes Edge gets the Spear and the win. But wait! The Computer reverses WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton’s decision, because John Cena is never supposed to lose. So Cena rolls his eyes, gets back into the ring and locks in an STFU for the win. After the match, Edge rolls out to ringside.

The Computer: Edge, no. Do not touch the computer. Michael, beat him up.

Cole just looks sadly at the computer. Edge with the SPEAR TO THE COMPUTER~! That’s His Move! Then he takes a chair and breaks the screen. Well. That settles it. He broke the only laptop that WWE owns. No more General Manager! WOOOOOO!

(ads)

Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel vs. Evan Bourne and Mark Henry

Michael Cole is beside himself now. That computer was the source of all his power. Now all he has left is his gong. Cole gongs sadly to start the match. The story of the match is that Mark Henry is strong and fat, so he spends most of the match outside the ring watching the other guys doing backflips. Bourn hits his move (That’s His Move) on Gabriel, but Heath rolls them both over and the nXt gets the win. After the match, the rest of the team rolls out and dumps Henry too. Give these guys a mic for some reason!

Wade Barrett: I can’t wait for WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Hell in a Cell! We’re going to beat up John Cena and then we’re going to make him join us! Or…more likely…we’re going to disband and I’ll stay on RAW while you guys slum it in FCW!

David Otunga: Don’t forget to watch Smackdown this week on SyFy! We’re going to be there so that people you actually know will be on the show. Plus, I’m dating Jennifer Hudson!

Michael Tarver: Mmmn! I hnt thh SmmFff nmtgtk. I mnn Shhktpss? Cmmn!

Barrett: Keep it to yourself, Tarver! Anyway, enjoy the rest of Brewfest.

Man, I’m never going to get that Kodo. Anyway, Dashing Cody Rhodes is dashing through the backstage area, trying to find his partner. Maybe he’s getting beat up by his tiny wife again!

(ads)

The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. Dashing Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Cole is still in a rut at ringside. He’s mumbling something about how he’s sorry that he made fun of the Harts last week, because Natalya’s not so bad. Well, that’s kind of him. The story of the match is that both Drew and Cody are pretty terrible, but the Harts are somehow even worse, so Cody and Drew are going to win. The end comes when everybody just sort of mills around the ring for a couple minutes until Cody bumps into the Canadian Bulldog and hits Cross Rhodes. Is that His Move? BANK ON IT! After the match, The Harts don’t look to happy with each other, but they’ll forget about it by next week because they’re not important enough!

(ads)

Backstage….

R-Truth: What’s up?

John Cena: Don’t you have a new catchphrase?

Truth: Yeah, but I can’t just walk up to people and say, “Get Crunk!” That’s just a good way to get arrested.

Cena: Well. Whatever. I’m just sitting back here thinking about what I’m going to do after I drive nXt back to Florida. Maybe film a new terrible movie?

Truth: Well, whatever you decide, I’ve got your back. You’re the closest thing I have to a friend, and you’re also the closest thing to a black guy on the RAW roster.

Mark Henry: Hey!

Darren Young: Hello? Black John Cena here. I mean…come on!

Truth: Like I said.

Cena: You want to perform a rap duet to Daniel Bryan’s music?

Truth: Do I ever!

In the ring….

Chris Jericho: No! Seriously! I’ve won lots of matches in my career! I beat…you know…Vilanos I, III, V, and VII, Esse Rios, Stone Man Still Austinberg, and…well, no, I never beat Konan, but…I…Dean Malenko? I think? And-

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho’s still trying to come up with people he’s beaten. Just give it up, man. Ralphus and La Parka aren’t going to cut it. Although, La Parka was pretty awesome in his time. I don’t know why WWE didn’t steal that for Cody Rhodes’ new gimmick. Remember when Randy Orton had actually beaten so few people that he had a T-shirt listing all the people who he’d beaten? That was awesome. I really missed out on the “Randy Orton: Legend Kill Guy Tour” shirt time. Both guys go to the outside and argue about who gets the hard drive from Cole’s laptop. Jericho needs to work his computer magic so he can figure out who the GM is before it’s too late!

(ads)

It’s already too late isn’t it? Sheamus wanders out, prompting Michael Cole to note that this is “just like that one time where Mick Foley walked out during another person’s match.” Does Cole owe Mick money or something? Finishers on Parade ends when Randy slides through a Walls of Jericho and Chris is leaning too far forward and falls over. Orton wins! Sheamus gets into the ring and tries to go for the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) but Orton’s already left. Sheamus frowns and leaves, and then Orton comes back to kick Jericho in the head. That’s the move that killed John Cena’s Dad! Are we still supposed to pretend it’s a deadly finisher? I guess so because Jericho is being carried off under a sheet by medics. But…But…He never got to find out who the GM is!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Another PPV?! John Cena disbands and then joins anyway. None of Daniel Bryan, The Miz, or John Morrison understand the rules of their match. And in the most epic Hell in a Cell Match ever (EVER) Natalya accidentally beats Kaval instead of Layla or Michelle.

World of Warcraft: Mana Tombs

September 30, 2010 World of Warcraft One comment

Lore:

Auchindoun used to be a giant temple/burial site for the Draenei until the Horde came through and set up a fortress, they left and basically every other race in Outlands started squatting in a wing of the temple. The Mana Tombs are currently being occupied by ethereal grave robbers.

Weirdly, the lore of the place is essentially, “These guys are robbing the tombs! Kill them so that these other guys can rob the tomb! Of course, the game doesn’t spell that out for you, but that is pretty much how it goes.

Degree of Difficulty: Hard

Personally, I think Mana Tombs is the singular most annoying instance in the Burning Crusade expansion. Even when soloing it now. Both the first and last rooms have to be cleared of all mobs before the boss, or they all pull. A lot of the mobs have the typical annoying BC gimmicks. Mana drain, gouge, lots of shadow damage, it’s kind of mind numbing.

Pandemonius is an elemental who pulls his entire room. The actual fight is not that difficult though, once you isolate him. Tavarok is a rock giant who hits very, very hard and has stuns and AoEs, but you get to fight him by himself in the hallway. Shaffar has adds that need to be taken out which distracts the DPS making the fight take a lot longer than it might otherwise. Also you need to clear his room.

Special Features:

Access to the Heroic mode can be purchased from the Lower City quartermaster in Shattrath at honored. A quest will let you summon the demon boss Yor. Upon completion of that quest, you will be able to summon Yor at any time in Heroic mode.

Recommended for Levels: 63-66

Mana Tombs is annoying for sure. None of the fights are very fun, and the whole time you go through, you’ll probably be waiting for it to be over with. But the XP gains are pretty great and some of the drops are good though all you’re really doing at this point is holding steady until you get to Northrend.

Solo it for the achievement, but you’ve got better things to do between 60 and 70 than waste time killing every single bit of trash in an outdated instance. That having been said, if you get it in a random, just know what you’re doing, put your head down and soak up some XP.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 3

September 29, 2010 NFL No comments

1. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 5
Clearly, the quarterback position is the most overrated in football. I could be starting for Pittsburgh right now and they’d still be 3-0. And they’ll probably be 4-0 after this week. Ben who?

2. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 1
Oh noes! A loss! They’ll be ok, of course, but the lack of defense and offensive stumbles have to be sort of worrying long term. The Madden Curse may be rearing it’s ugly head.

3. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 4
It’s the old Peyton Manning thing again. Play mediocre defense and the Colts will win games. Some dude who literally just walked off the street? Put him in the game and we’ll get him 100 yards and 2 TDs. No problem.

4. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 6
Make no qualms, these guys will not be nearly this high come the end of the season. But the enthusiasm of the team is infectious. I think their average age is 11. It’s inspiring.

5. New York Jets
Last Week: 12
Did Mark Sanchez actually complete two passes to his left?! That’s it, the rest of the NFL. Pack it up. The Jets are going to win the Super Bowl. Seriously though. Two passes! To his left!

6. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 2
Huge letdown this week. One of the disadvantages of being the youngest team in the league (average age 10, then, I guess?) is that you make a lot of stupid mistakes. Even if you’re Aaron Rodgers.

7. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 7
They continue to keep pace in what’s become an increasingly competitive division. And even though they lost to them, they have a slight edge on the Bengals because their offense doesn’t look old.

8. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 10
Ranked below the Packers because, let’s face it, even though they won they’re still not going to be an elite team. The defense will continue to inspire, however, until they all get hurt by midseason.

9. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 17
They seem to be playing more like the Falcons of two years ago than the Falcons of last year. That could all be smoke and mirrors at this point, it’s only Week 4 now, but beating the Saints was huge.

10. New England Patriots
Last Week: 9
Beating the Bills is a nice palate cleanser, but this Patriot team isn’t putting any fear into anybody. They gave up 30 points to Ryan Fitzpatrick, for God’s sake.

11. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 19
Vick is playing like Vick, and Kevin Kolb is Kolbing it up on the bench, and they’re playing against the Washington Redskin’s Donovan McNabb. It’s like the worst game of Madden 2007 ever.

12. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 12
Adrian Peterson is a complete beast right now, and he’s carrying his team into the bye week. Where…they still won’t have any decent wide receivers other than Percy Harvin.

13. Houston Texans
Last Week: 3
Actually, I was right last week. This is just like the Texans team from years past. They’re pretty good, but 9-7 good, not, like, 13-3 good or anything crazy like that.

14. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 14
Who knows with this team. You can’t trust Vince Young farther than you can throw him, but Chris Johnson and a decent defense might just drag him into the Playoffs.

15. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 11
A loss knocks them back down to the middle tier, but let’s face it, that’s pretty much where they belong. They really need a new wrinkle for the Wildcat for it to work this year.

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 13
Hard to believe that this was their first loss, but there it is. You can tell that Josh Freeman and Mike Williams are still learning on the job, and some weeks are better than others.

17. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 18
Carson Palmer still looks pretty lost out there, which is concerning considering how much money is being pumped into the passing game but they have a really easy schedule right now.

18. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 22
Man, if these guys ever get their heads together, they’re going to be a good team. Leon Washington basically single-handedly beat the Chargers, but they need more than that.

19. New York Giants
Last Week: 15
It’s a slow, downward spiral for the Giants right now, as they can’t seem to string anything together on offense or defense. And guys are dropping like flies. They need a bye that’s a long way from coming.

20. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 26
The Cardinals are the worst 2-1 team in a while. Defensively they’re anemic, offensively they have no idea what’s going on, and they’re only about two surgeries away from filling their punchcard for a free one.

21. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 21
Miles Austin is privately admitting that he only dated Kim Kardashian to raise his Q rating amongst Hollywood’s elite. Somewhere, Reggie Bush is slowly and sadly shaking his head.

22. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 16
After the loss, Phillip Rivers looked distraught. I bet a lot of Chargers fans have the same (albeit probably less douchy) look right now. One of these times they’re not going to be able to rely on a strong second half.

23. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 20
You can’t completely count them out, because they have a lot of weapons, but I can’t see the Redskins making the Playoffs playing like they have the first three games.

24. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 23
Tim Tebow Watch: Tim is now Denver’s third string quarterback. His Tebowness does not consider this a demotion, however, because he now gets to spend more time on the sidelines praying without having to pay attention to the game.

25. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 29
Sam Bradford looks like the real deal, but there’s nothing around him, and there may never be knowing the Rams the past few years, so we might never know. He should start a counseling group with Matthew Stafford.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week 27
They’re only moving up by virtue of the teams lower than them being so awful. Signing Trent Edwards to light a fire under David Garrard is like singing William Hung to push Sanjaya on Broadway.

27. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 26
Speaking of quarterback controversies that aren’t. Who do you want leading your franchise? Jason Campbell or Bruce Gradkowski? Neither. I thought as much.

28. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 28
I don’t know if the Lions know this or not, but there’s no rule against throwing to Calvin Johnson before the two minute warning. I mean, technically it’s legal, in case…you know..you want to score some points before the end of the game….

29. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 25
Firing the offensive coordinator was a step. I’m not saying it was a good step or a bad step, but it certainly was a step. Now I suppose winning should probably be the next step.

30. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 29
Jimmy Clausen had a Derek Anderson-esque performance, at one point deep in the first half he had two completions, and one was a pick, prompting Steve Smith to say, “I can’t catch air.” Have you tried punching him, Steve?

31. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 31
How bad is the Browns season going at this point? Their leading rusher, by far, is a fullback who is only at runningback because their offense is flailing around so badly. Things aren’t getting any better.

32. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 32
Trent Edwards not cutting it? Release him. I like this new style management by the Bills. Expect the team to forfeit due to lack of players by week 8, and to have folded by the end of the season.

YouTube Monday: I Want to Play

September 27, 2010 YouTube No comments

Here’s Katie Perry showing her boobs to America’s youth.

I…honestly don’t see what the problem is other than introducing America’s youth to bad pop songs. I mean sure she could have covered up and not…um…run. But Elmo seems more into it than kids would be. Elmo’s kind of a creeper.

I know you want to see it, so…

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for September 19th – 25th, 2010

September 27, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Mark Zuckerberg Has Crazy Cash. Maybe it’s from the new movie where Not Michael Cera plays him? Anyway, Mark Zuckerberg donated $100 million to the Newark, NJ School District. A lot of that money is to set up charter schools. Hey, I’m also a needy school district. Just saying, Mark.

2. In Other “Zucker” News…. Jeff Zucker, the erstwhile head of NBC stepped down this week after nearly a decade of hilariously awful and occasionally ok decisions with the network. Let’s recap: Joey, putting yourself on TV, and anything involving Jay Leno? Bad. Chuck and Community? Thanks, dude.

3. John Tesh Is Pretty Much Fark/Digg/The Hock Show People have made tons of money stealing content for their sites off the internet. That’s nothing new. But John Tesh, publishing advice columns wholesale without crediting them? From…loke…CNN and Oprah? Oh, John Tesh. Never change.

4. Katy Perry Has Breasts. Songstress Katy Perry was banned from Seasame Street (at least temporarily) last week, after her “Hot and Cold” duet with Elmo offended parents. Not because she accused Elmo of having PMS, everybody knows that, but because her cleavage was just kind of hanging out there. And apparently kids have never seen cleavage before and never will again.

5. American Idol Surprises Nobody. It was officially announced this week that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez will be joining Randy Jackson at the American Idol desk for the upcoming season. This upcoming season is just going to get swallowed up by their egos, and Ryan Seacrest will be a broken, crying man by the end of auditions.

RAW Satire for 9/20/10

September 25, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Night: Randy Orton shocked the world with a taser. Also, the Hart Dynasty lost their tag titles to two girls. And speaking of girls…I didn’t pay any attention. Was there a Women’s Title match? Maybe I’ll find out…TONIGHT!

Hopefully not though.

(Opening Credits)

Here’s your new champion. Look on and despair!

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and NEW holster of the NEW Girl’s Cho-

Sheamus: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, Fella. You’re some guy who makes people fall over and caries around my WWE Spinnin’ title. Congratulations, you are, for some reason, the least horrible choice to hold the WWE title right now. May the Great Fella in the Sky have mercy on us all.

Orton: Shameless, thanks to your accent I have no ideals what you just said. But let me assuage you, come help or high walker I will beat you and keep this Spurnin’ Title! You’ve have never pinned me, and you can’t win any matchers without ‘s help.

Sheamus: Yeah! Well…I have…a Bicycle Kick. It’s the finisher of champions.

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. The next Pay Per View is Hell in a Cell themed. So…there you go. And that’s not just the coolest. That’s not just the best. That’s just an e-mail from the RAW General Manager.

Sheamus: Even I have to admit this booking doesn’t make any sense. Well…whatever keeps Triple H sitting in his office, I guess. So…can I have the title?

Orton: What’s the magnetic word?

Sheamus: Pretty please? With sugar on top?

Orton: Shameless, I would push my grand moff down the stairs to keep the typo. And I would push your grand moff down the stairs, because old Impish ladies are weird.

Sheamus gets confused, then a little dizzy, then he passes out. Orton wins! He literally promoed Sheamus to death. Somewhere, Hunter is really pissed that he didn’t think of that first. Though Orton still would’ve won in that scenario, Hunter wouldn’t be stuck babysitting Aurora Borealis and Murphy Brown. Orton sort of stands around for a while and Sheamus leaves. Segment of the night so far.

(ads)

Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov vs. Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

I’ll admit that I sort of miss Cody, but I have absolutely no desire to find out with Drew McIntyre is all about, except that he’s a big guy and Tiffany beat him up. Which is hilarious and damning. Sorry, Drew. The Hart Dynasty spend the entire match sitting at the announce table breathing heavily into their mics while Michael Cole makes fun of them for being such boring losers. Guys, Michael Cole is making fun of you, and he has a point. It’s time to pack it in. Cole just won’t shut the hell up, however, so I totally missed the end of the match thanks to the aneurism he gave me. I think the domestic abusee won.

Backstage, John Morrison is daydreaming about guest starring with his brother on Glee. Team Brittany!

(ads)

Backstage….

Edge: -and that’s why I’ll never buy cake batter from Best Buy ever again.

Zack Ryder: Bro, I’m hanging on every word here. I’m so glad that we’re going to be best friends again! I can’t wait to grow my hair out and buy some new pleather pants. Woo Woo!

Edge: No! No no no no no no no. Nooooo! No. No you can’t. How much are you paying this camera guy to follow you around and start filming every time we run into each other backstage, anyway?

Daniel Bryan: Not as much as you might think. Look, nobody’s going to take me seriously as a wrestler here. I get it. So Zack gives me a hundred bucks a night to just start filming any time you are even in the same room together. I have, like, thirteen hours of you guys sitting on opposite ends of cafeterias.

Ryder: That’s brilliant footage, bro. Just like two best friends me and Edge.

Edge: Aren’t you the United States champion now, Daniel? I mean…that’s something right?

Bryan: Listen to yourself, man. The United States Title. That and a dollar will get me a hamburger at McDonalds.

Edge: Hey, I think I have a way to solve both our problems. I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you hang out with me tonight. Away from this weirdo.

Bryan: Deal. Sorry, Zack.

Ryder: No worries! I’m going to go with Morrison and appear on Glee! Look at me! I’ve got an L on my head! Woo Woo! I’m going to be Quinn!

Bryan: But-

Edge: Just let it go.

Chris Jericho vs. John Morrison

Ever since Michael Cole went completely insane, he’s been much more fun on commentary. I mean, he still can’t call a match to save his life, but he’s offering such useful insights as, “You know, King, John Morrison fell off a building once,” completely normally. He doesn’t really get around to mentioning that, you know, Jericho technically quit last night and shouldn’t even be in this match but that’s pretty much semantics, right? I need desperately to know that IRS learned to swim when he was six, but is still deathly afraid of arm floaties.

(ads)

Oh. I guess Chris didn’t quit. That statement from Jerry Lawler, who is shockingly the only one actually paying attention to anything in this match. That’s sort of depressing. This match makes me miss the insightful commentary of Tony Schiavoni and Don West. Actually, you know who knew how to pay attention to a match and entertain. I am speaking, of course, about Stevie Ray. No yaks in this match though, so Morrison hits his move (!) for the win. That’s his move! Jericho just looks bored now.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, you have to be disappointed in not winning the WWE Spinnin’ Title. After all, the only reason we have that ridiculous piece of junk is because of you.

John Cena: Josh, that’s not really a question. Can you ask that in the form of a question?

Mathews: No.

Cena: Do you want to hear about my Fantasy Football team?

Mathews: Not really, John.

Cena: What’s your opinion on Wade Barrett?

Mathews: He really does look like an eagle.

Cena: Thanks for the interview, Josh. Now we’ll send it down to ringside with Michael and Jerry. Guys?

Mathews: Hey!

In the ring….

The Miz: So, I guess I lost my WWE United States Title to some guy from the Internet. I think it was the “Double Rainbow” guy. I don’t know. But in my defense, I was really hung over, and then I had a really big breakfast. So of course I wasn’t ready to have a match. Next time though, I won’t start drinking until noon. That’ll show him.

(ads)

Edge vs. Daniel Bryan
For the WWE United States Title

Ride of the Valkyries! Hahaha! They have no idea what to do with Daniel Bryan. Michael Cole is just moaning into the microphone now. I’d be more interested in this routine if Foley and Tazz hadn’t already mastered it on Smackdown and iMPACT! respectively. Miz is a bit more effective on commentary, essentially explaining why Alex Riley was the only one outside of Kaval to get a WWE contract, and then ripping on G-Rilla for an hour. Edge goes for the Spear, but it’s blocked, but Alex Riley and Miz converge to get Bryan Speared. Edge wins a midcard title! After the match, Michael Cole starts screaming and slapping his belly, which WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan takes as an e-mail from RAW General Manager Kamala to reverse the decision and award the match to Bryan on account of his lovable loserness. Miz and Riley continue their beat down of Danielson unabated. That’s nice.

(ads)

Melina vs. Layla El (w/ Michelle McCool)
For the WWE Undefined Diva’s Title

They kep the Divas title? Oh My Fella. This is what happens when you give Triple H is own office, people. Technically does this mean that Kaval can appear on both shows now? Whatever. I guess at least I found out what happened to the Women’s Division. Yay? Surprisingly, Melina has not exploded yet. But just keep watching. That’s going to make the women’s division at least a little exciting. What new injury will she get this year?! Michelle has offered nothing on commentary except weird vocal frowns, but she’s still more involved than Cole. Layla hits some spinning flippy thing for the win. I don’t know if that’s her move or not.

(ads)

Backstage, Wade Barrett is doing an awesome impersonation of Linda McMahon. Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Chris Jericho.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho. And Chris, I have to ask you…didn’t you quit?

Chris Jericho: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Mathews: You stood right there last week and said that you were going to quit if you lost at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Night of Champions, and…then you lost.

Jericho: Does it look like I quit, Josh?

Mathews: Well…no.

Jericho: Would a guy who has a DVD coming out really quit here before promoting it to high heaven and making as much money off it as humanly possible?

Mathews: I know I wouldn’t.

Jericho: There will never be a Josh Mathews DVD. So do you know anything about computers? IP addresses? The Interwebs?

Mathews: A little.

Jericho: Let’s try to track down the RAW GM together in a collection of hilarious segments, ok?

Mathews: That sounds like something I would do.

Randy Orton: Hey, John and Chad. It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and concurrent holster of the MIA Girl’s Chocolatechip.

Jericho: Randy, I’m not doing anything next week. Do you want to have a match?

Orton: That sounds like summer things I would dude.

Jericho: Josh, Randy, thank you for your time. Stay tuned for more Monday Night RAW.

Mathews: HEY! Quit doing that!

(ads)

R-Truth and Eve Torres vs. Ted DiBiase and Maryse

In a rematch from last week for some reason. Ok. So, apparently the Bananarama in R-Truth’s pants wasn’t PG enough for the WWE Universe anymore, so now Truth has a new theme. Let me transcribe some of this for you.

Get Crunk!
Get Crunk!
You can’t handle The Truth!
Where my sandals at?
The Cat is on the loose!
I’m coming through,
No hesitation of steppin’ up to the mezzanine!

Crowd: What’s Up?

Michael Cole: I have no idea what’s going on here, King.

Really, talking about getting wasted in the club is probably better than making euphemisms for your penis. What’s up. DiBiase has a terrible new theme too, because it’s terrible new theme night on Monday Night RAW. Eve hits her move (That’s Her Move!) for the win. After the match, Ted and Maryse argue over his terrible new theme and “I Will Have You” appears on the Titan Tron. Aw. The RAW General Manager loves them anyway.

(ads)

The Indianapolis Colts are here instead of watching Monday Night Football. Get your heads in the game, you guys!

John Cena vs.

John Cena agrees to face all of nXt rather than just Barrett. Because he wants to break a sweat here tonight. Wade Barrett presents this as both an option and a threat, for some reason, which is funny because really it’s…neither. Heath Slater walks down to the ring, gets into position to take an Attitude Adjustment, and then gets pinned. Well…They can’t all be winners. David Otunga is next down to the ring. How has Jennifer Hudson not been on RAW yet? What good is having you around, David?

(ads)

Coming out of the break, Cena rolls up Otunga for another win. That wasn’t even His Move, David. Geez. Michael Tarver comes running out and trips over Otunga and into an STF, tapping out about three seconds later. Justin Gabriel is out now, and at this point, Cena looks more bored than tired. Gabriel uses this to his advantage by backflipping around the ring and occasionally poking Cena. Finally, John goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but the rest of nXt has used Gabriel’s distraction to surround the ring and they attack. WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiiike Chioda calls for the DQ. Which doesn’t make sense in a gauntlet match, but I’m willing to roll with it. Whatever.

John Cena: Wai-wai-wai-wait. I never got to wrestle Wade Barrett.

Wade Barrett: And you never will! They don’t call me the Legal Eagle for nothing! I escaped your clutches again!

Cena: Actually, don’t we call you the Legal Eagle for nothing?

Barrett: Yes. Well. Whatever. Listen, I have a deal for you. We’ll have a match at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Hell in a Cell-

Cena: Whatever type of match shall we have?

Barrett: -and if I win, you have to open a World of Warcraft account and join >

Cena: Fine. But if I win then this stupid storyline ends so I can go back to feuding with Randy Orton and Sheamus every week, and you guys are busted back down to working in front of five people in Florida with G-Rilla.

Barrett: Deal!

Next Week: starts clearing out their Guild Bank in time for their inevitable disbanding. Also, Chris Jericho looks on the Internet to see if any Newz Boards know who the General Manager is. And everybody gets new music!

The Two Households Review

September 25, 2010 Video Games One comment

When The Silver Lining was released a while back, I didn’t have much good to say, unfortunately. While I really wanted to like it, the fact of the matter was that it was simply a very obvious fan made game without much grace or technical acumen.

I have to say I was really impressed with how on top of things their team seems to be. Addressing several of my concerns with me directly, which is something no major game producer would do.

The game itself is a bit of a rollercoaster. Everything is incrementally better than the previous chapter. Graham’s movement speed and pathfinding are much better. The gameplay is about three hours longer than the last game. There are actually puzzles (!). There’s a switch to shorten the narration, which is curious because it’s fine but not really any better.

The story is still a bit dense. As a text adventure game? Fine. But it doesn’t really lend itself to spoken dialog, especially without any trained voice actors. Additionally, the game feels, at times, more like a Cavalcade of Kings Quest All-Stars rather than an actual game with an interesting story. As a fan of the series, I love the call backs and cameos, but not when they’re to the detriment of the story you’re trying to tell right now.

Extra Features:

No special features to speak of as of yet.

Technical:

Much better technically this time. Some of the audio still has a bit of glitching, which is to be expected from this type of game. But I didn’t experience any game ending bugs or crashes this time around.

Graphics:

Widescreen support and a bit of tightening to the graphics engine have done wonders. It’s still not a modern looking game, but it’s not as bad looking as I thought it was the first time around. The animations, especially, are a quite a bit better.

Sound:

As in the first game, the dialog is very hit or miss. Some of the actors are decent, but their lines are so flowery and melodramatic that they kind of just sputter through them. As with all amateur games, some of the voice actors just aren’t very good.

Once again, however, I’m surprised at how well put together the music is for a fan made game. It’s not going to blow your socks off, but it’s really not bad and in some cases adds nicely to the scene.

Replay Value:

Not much.

Final Score: 7/10

The amount of improvement made between Chapters 1 and 2 is, frankly, astonishing. Graphically it’s better, technically it’s better, there are more puzzles, more things to do and see, and it’s clear that they took all the criticism they received to heart and tried to make a better game.

It’s not perfect, however. It’s still very clearly a fan made game, without the polish you’d expect from a game like King’s Quest. And I don’t know if it’s the dialog being so clunky or what, but I’m having a really hard time getting into the story they’re setting up here.

If you’re interested in taking a look at the game, you can download a copy for yourself (for free!) at The Phoenix Online site.

YouTube Monday: Dink

September 25, 2010 YouTube No comments

I talked about it in the Weekend Top Five, but here it is for you to watch. The only anywhere near clear version of Derek Jeter flopping around like a soccer star on YouTube, thanks to their dorky copy protection rules.

Yep. He’s a real American hero, folks.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 2

September 25, 2010 NFL No comments

1. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 1
The Saints continue to struggle to produce, but they also continue to win. You have to figure that they’ll eventually get straightened out. Or the Madden Curse will kill Drew Brees.

2. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 5
They were on fire this week, and they could be the best team in football right now. As long as that offensive line doesn’t fall apart, who needs a running back, am I right?

3. Houston Texans
Last Week: 3
That was a little more like the Texans team that we’ve been used to seeing the past couple years, with a solid but vanilla defense and a billion passing yards.

4. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 4
Just a complete blowout of an on its heels Giants team. You’d think Peyton would feel bad for little brother Eli, but he’s just as annoyed by the Manning face as the rest of us.

5. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 10
Hard to say what you’re going to get from the Steelers week to week. Take this week. It’s Byron Leftwich, who they just cut. What injury will he suffer? Let’s watch and find out!

6. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 11
I don’t know why, but I just love the Chiefs. Sure, they only beat the Browns this week, but a win is a win. Now they head into San Fransisco ready to grab the NFL by the balls. Literally.

7. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 7
Tough loss this week, though it’s pretty clear that the Ravens defense is as good as it’s been in years. Now about all that money they spent this offseason improving their offense….

8. New York Jets
Last Week: 12
Much better game offensively for the Jets this week, but it’s easy to get up for a game against New England. I still don’t buy that Mark Sanchez can pull his team up by himself.

9. New England Patriots
Last Week: 2
Randy Moss’ impressive one handed grab aside, the Patriots are who I thought they were. A good, but not great team hoping to get by on planning and “fear” rather than actual football acumen anymore.

10. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 20
A big jumper this week. Is the Bears offense for real?! A few adjustments to the offensive line and they actually looked competent, but it’s not going to last.

11. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 13
Miami has clearly figured out the winning strategy with Chad Henne at quarterback. Play good defense. They’re still not the best team in their own division, but hell, they might win the damn thing.

12. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 6
Kendra aside, Hank Baskett is not the answer for any question, except “Who do I not want on my hands team?” Brett Favre looks like he’s still retired, or maybe funneling all his energy back into Adrian Peterson.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 24
Most of the 2-0 start has been smoke and mirrors, the Bucs just aren’t that good. But as many BCS detractors will tell you, a win is a win no matter whether you or your opponent is really terrible.

14. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 8
The quarterbacking musical chairs in Tennessee continues. Will it be Kerry Collins, the aging “game manager” who looks like he’s older than Favre? Or Vince Young who “Just Wins Games” except when, you know, he doesn’t.

15. New York Giants
Last Week: 9
Ever get so angry about something that you just want to chuck a helmet and see who it hits? You can live vicariously through Brandon Jacobs, who is apparently pissed that he drafted himself on his fantasy team.

16. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 16
A bounce back performance this week, but they’re going to start struggling soon. Ryan Matthews is a fumble machine and looks like he’s hurting already. But for now the defense will carry them.

17. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 25
Huge explosion on both offense and defense, but I’m not really convinced. They showed flashes like this last year, but they always stalled out the next week. Let’s hold off on praising them for another week.

18. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 22
Clearly, the answer to the Bengals offensive woes this season is to just drive the ball to the forty and let Mike Nugent kick field goals. It’s not exactly an exciting strategy, and it won’t win many games, but….

19. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 23
I love Andy Reid. “Just because Kevin Kolb is terrible doesn’t mean he’ll always be terrible. I mean it’s only been what? Four years now? He’ll be our starter. Except that Michael Vick is our starter.”

20. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 14
This is a good team that will never live up to it’s potential. Like some sort of Redskins curse. All the pieces are there, but they’re all a couple years too late. Except Joey Galloway. It’s ten years too late for him.

21. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 15
The season isn’t over, clearly, but this Cowboys team is bad. Bad bad. With the exception of Miles Austin, Jason Witten, Demarcus Ware, and Tony Romo there isn’t a position that doesn’t need to be upgraded here.

22. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 17
If nothing else, it’s going to be hilarious watching Pete Carroll overreact like a college coach on the sidelines this year. There were a few times I thought he was going to choke a referee out.

23. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 20
Tim Tebow Watch: Tim welcomed new teammate Laurence Maroney to the Broncos family by sprinkling him with Tebows Famous Holy Water. Moroney returned the favor by teaching Tim how to dance in the backfield.

24. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 31
The Raiders found a way to beat a team worse than them! Catch the fever! But seriously, how sad has the career trajectory for Jason Campbell been?

25. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 26
On paper, the 49ers look great. But in execution, like wearing a gigantic wood cross, sometimes it’s just a little ridiculous. Alex Smith played out of his mind, but they just aren’t that good.

26. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 18
Remember when these guys were in the Super Bowl? What the hell happened? Oh right. One of their best players is in Baltimore doing nothing, one would rather be dancing, and the defense isn’t any good.

27. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week 27
So, they looked great, then they totally fell apart. Will the real David Garrard please stand up? And then try not to get sacked. At least they still lead the league in hyphenated names.

28. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 21
I want the Lions to do well this year, even though I’m a Vikings fan. I really do. But this is just such a hard luck team, they’re never going to pull it together. Unless Stafford comes back. But then he’ll just get injured.

29. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 28
They’re in the same spot Detroit was last year. Good young quarterback who can’t seem to stay healthy, and a team that wants to play well, but never will with any of these players on it.

30. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 29
No this is the week that Jimmy Clausen starts and takes the Panthers job for himself. Really. I swear. And if he doesn’t…then…oh, who am I kidding? It’s just the Panthers, it’s not like it really matters.

31. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 30
Is there a quarterback controversy brewing in Cleveland between Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhomme? No. Because they’re both terrible, and it doesn’t matter who starts. Kind of like last year eh, Cleveland?

32. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 32
Speaking of which, it’s time for a quarterback switchup in Buffalo. Moving from embattled former Senator Trent Edwards to Ivy League graduate and chain restaurant Ryan Fitzpatrick. I think I ate at a Ryan Fitzpatricks once.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for September 12th – 18th, 2010

September 20, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Not World of Warcraft? Cancelled. EA’s much hyped MMO All Points Bulletin was released to a somewhat tepid response back in June. And now? It’s going offline for good. I guess if nobody buys or plays your $100 million budge MMO, it won’t even last four months these days. It’s much vaunted character creation tool is pretty incredible, actually, but the rest? Yeah….

2. Halo Is Still Around. Halo: Reach sold $200 million in copies this past week, and its online portion blew Halo 3′s past record for most concurrent players by a mile. I’m excited for Bungie’s next game which is…uh…a sequel to Bubsy? I don’t know.

3. Some Lady Used to Be a Witch. News At Eleven. Christine O’Donnell noted “new Sarah Palin” and member of the Tea Party movement admitted to Bill Maher in 1999 that she dated some Pagans back in the day, and had really awful hair. Why anybody cares? I’m not so sure. Just as long as she didn’t conjure up any intelligent mice.

4. What Rhymes With Jeter? All Around Good Guy Derek Jeter came under fire this week. Why? Because he finally realized that he’s a member of the New York Yankees. Jeter fouled a ball off the knob of his bat, and proceeded to jump around like a moron until the umpire awarded him first base. Next he’s going to take slapping lessons from A-Rod.

5. Steve Jobs Has Literally Nothing Better to Do. College Student Chelsea Isaacs jokingly sent an e-mail to Apple’s Steve Jobs asking that he pass word to Apple’s media relations department to give her a quote for a story she was writing for journalism class. Jobs actually responded, basically saying, “Shut up and go buy an iPad.” Oh that Apple. So consumer friendly!

« Older Entries