1. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 1
The Saints continue to struggle to produce, but they also continue to win. You have to figure that they’ll eventually get straightened out. Or the Madden Curse will kill Drew Brees.
2. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 5
They were on fire this week, and they could be the best team in football right now. As long as that offensive line doesn’t fall apart, who needs a running back, am I right?
3. Houston Texans
Last Week: 3
That was a little more like the Texans team that we’ve been used to seeing the past couple years, with a solid but vanilla defense and a billion passing yards.
4. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 4
Just a complete blowout of an on its heels Giants team. You’d think Peyton would feel bad for little brother Eli, but he’s just as annoyed by the Manning face as the rest of us.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 10
Hard to say what you’re going to get from the Steelers week to week. Take this week. It’s Byron Leftwich, who they just cut. What injury will he suffer? Let’s watch and find out!
6. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 11
I don’t know why, but I just love the Chiefs. Sure, they only beat the Browns this week, but a win is a win. Now they head into San Fransisco ready to grab the NFL by the balls. Literally.
7. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 7
Tough loss this week, though it’s pretty clear that the Ravens defense is as good as it’s been in years. Now about all that money they spent this offseason improving their offense….
8. New York Jets
Last Week: 12
Much better game offensively for the Jets this week, but it’s easy to get up for a game against New England. I still don’t buy that Mark Sanchez can pull his team up by himself.
9. New England Patriots
Last Week: 2
Randy Moss’ impressive one handed grab aside, the Patriots are who I thought they were. A good, but not great team hoping to get by on planning and “fear” rather than actual football acumen anymore.
10. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 20
A big jumper this week. Is the Bears offense for real?! A few adjustments to the offensive line and they actually looked competent, but it’s not going to last.
11. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 13
Miami has clearly figured out the winning strategy with Chad Henne at quarterback. Play good defense. They’re still not the best team in their own division, but hell, they might win the damn thing.
12. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 6
Kendra aside, Hank Baskett is not the answer for any question, except “Who do I not want on my hands team?” Brett Favre looks like he’s still retired, or maybe funneling all his energy back into Adrian Peterson.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 24
Most of the 2-0 start has been smoke and mirrors, the Bucs just aren’t that good. But as many BCS detractors will tell you, a win is a win no matter whether you or your opponent is really terrible.
14. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 8
The quarterbacking musical chairs in Tennessee continues. Will it be Kerry Collins, the aging “game manager” who looks like he’s older than Favre? Or Vince Young who “Just Wins Games” except when, you know, he doesn’t.
15. New York Giants
Last Week: 9
Ever get so angry about something that you just want to chuck a helmet and see who it hits? You can live vicariously through Brandon Jacobs, who is apparently pissed that he drafted himself on his fantasy team.
16. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 16
A bounce back performance this week, but they’re going to start struggling soon. Ryan Matthews is a fumble machine and looks like he’s hurting already. But for now the defense will carry them.
17. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 25
Huge explosion on both offense and defense, but I’m not really convinced. They showed flashes like this last year, but they always stalled out the next week. Let’s hold off on praising them for another week.
18. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 22
Clearly, the answer to the Bengals offensive woes this season is to just drive the ball to the forty and let Mike Nugent kick field goals. It’s not exactly an exciting strategy, and it won’t win many games, but….
19. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 23
I love Andy Reid. “Just because Kevin Kolb is terrible doesn’t mean he’ll always be terrible. I mean it’s only been what? Four years now? He’ll be our starter. Except that Michael Vick is our starter.”
20. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 14
This is a good team that will never live up to it’s potential. Like some sort of Redskins curse. All the pieces are there, but they’re all a couple years too late. Except Joey Galloway. It’s ten years too late for him.
21. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 15
The season isn’t over, clearly, but this Cowboys team is bad. Bad bad. With the exception of Miles Austin, Jason Witten, Demarcus Ware, and Tony Romo there isn’t a position that doesn’t need to be upgraded here.
22. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 17
If nothing else, it’s going to be hilarious watching Pete Carroll overreact like a college coach on the sidelines this year. There were a few times I thought he was going to choke a referee out.
23. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 20
Tim Tebow Watch: Tim welcomed new teammate Laurence Maroney to the Broncos family by sprinkling him with Tebows Famous Holy Water. Moroney returned the favor by teaching Tim how to dance in the backfield.
24. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 31
The Raiders found a way to beat a team worse than them! Catch the fever! But seriously, how sad has the career trajectory for Jason Campbell been?
25. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 26
On paper, the 49ers look great. But in execution, like wearing a gigantic wood cross, sometimes it’s just a little ridiculous. Alex Smith played out of his mind, but they just aren’t that good.
26. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 18
Remember when these guys were in the Super Bowl? What the hell happened? Oh right. One of their best players is in Baltimore doing nothing, one would rather be dancing, and the defense isn’t any good.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week 27
So, they looked great, then they totally fell apart. Will the real David Garrard please stand up? And then try not to get sacked. At least they still lead the league in hyphenated names.
28. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 21
I want the Lions to do well this year, even though I’m a Vikings fan. I really do. But this is just such a hard luck team, they’re never going to pull it together. Unless Stafford comes back. But then he’ll just get injured.
29. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 28
They’re in the same spot Detroit was last year. Good young quarterback who can’t seem to stay healthy, and a team that wants to play well, but never will with any of these players on it.
30. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 29
No this is the week that Jimmy Clausen starts and takes the Panthers job for himself. Really. I swear. And if he doesn’t…then…oh, who am I kidding? It’s just the Panthers, it’s not like it really matters.
31. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 30
Is there a quarterback controversy brewing in Cleveland between Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhomme? No. Because they’re both terrible, and it doesn’t matter who starts. Kind of like last year eh, Cleveland?
32. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 32
Speaking of which, it’s time for a quarterback switchup in Buffalo. Moving from embattled former Senator Trent Edwards to Ivy League graduate and chain restaurant Ryan Fitzpatrick. I think I ate at a Ryan Fitzpatricks once.