Last Night: Unable to decide between losing the match, winning the title, sleeping off his Blizzcon hangover, or watching the Packers/Vikings game, Wade Barrett stunningly failed to do any one of those things. Also Team RAW lost. Again. And Daniel Bryan did something, but for the life of me I can’t remember what. Maybe I’ll find out…TONIGHT!
Triple H: Well, here it is. I never thought I’d have made it, but it’s the 9th Satireversary.
Randy Orton: Triopoly H! Where hath thou been?!
HHH: Err…Here and there. Playing with Nibblins. Raising “children.” Whatever I can do to stop working for a living you know.
Sheamus: You’re still a fella.
HHH: Yeah yeah. Look, we’ve had so many cake related problems in the past I asked a new guy to bring the cake this year. Hopefully he didn’t screw it up. Wade?
Wade Barrett: Oh. Err…This is sort of embarrassing, but I didn’t bring a cake. I thought you were just ribbing me. I mean, “Satireversary.” That’s just something you made up, right? That’s not a real thing.
HHH: Oh, God. Not again. Why me?!
Tommy Dreamer: Because you’re an extension of the horrible WWE and it’s history of treating its employees like trash? Karma, Hunter. Karma.
HHH: Why are you even here?
Dreamer: Ev2.0! Ev2.0! Come on, guys!
Barrett: Now I’m even more confused.
HHH: The more things change…sigh…Just start the show.
Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater (w/ Wade Barrett) vs. John Cena and David Otunga
For the WWE Tag Team Titles
So basically, Wade is upset at himself for leaving all kinds of tiny holes for Cena to to be a huge dick to him. But I think he still appreciates Cena’s moxy. That’s at least twice as much moxy as a guy named “Heath” might have. Cena, for his part, is so damn smug and combative about just standing at ringside, that when he actually gets to tag into the match, he’s all tuckered out, and he falls asleep. Heath and Gabriel are your new tag team champions. Also the name of the worst law firm this side of the Mississippi. Wade thinks this is hilarious. David…does not.
Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero and Kaitlyn) vs. Daniel Bryan
Vickie is pissed that Dolph lost last night, so she books this match. RAW doesn’t need a secret computer general manager! Everybody can still just run out and book their own matches. CM Punk comes down to do commentary and immediately starts bashing Lawler and Cole for not knowing who Daniel Bryan is. Can Punk do commentary all the time? I love it when he mocks Cole and Lawler. Bryan with a Surfboard. This is some 1998 WCW stuff right here. Where’s Mike Tenay’s epic Lucha calls?
Punk still owes me a Satireversary present, by the way. That jerk. I’m willing to temporarily forgive him, though, because he too doesn’t know what a Kaitlyn is either. The two guys trade roll-ups while I check to make sure I’m not watching some Indy show from ten years ago. Bryan gets his move in (That’s His Move) and despite some interference from Vickie, Dolph taps out. CM Punk is not impressed. He had this exact same match with Colt Cabana in his neighbor’s garage.
The Green Bay Packers are here tonight. Boo!
Toby Keith: Why did I buy this show again? I hate wrestling. Well…at least it’s as rednecky as country music.
The Bella Twins: We’re handing out WWE titles. Do you want one?
Keith: Not really. Boy, you ladies sure are creepy. Hot though.
Santino Marella: Toby-a Keith! I wrote-a a song-a for you-a!
My dog-a died,
I got-a the pick-up-a truck!
And I like-a to eat-a spaghetti!
Keith: Hot damn, son! I think you just wrote my next number one hit!
Santino: I stole-a that song-a from Taylor-a Swift!
Sheamus: You guys are two of the biggest Fellas I’ve ever seen. Your careers are jokes, and the punch line is me kicking your face in with my Bicycle Kick. It’s the finisher of champions!
Santino: But you’re-a not a champion-a!
Sheamus: Shut up and let me menace here, fella!
Santino: So-a, Toby, are-a you related-a to Scott Keith-a?
Keith: No. Hell no! Thank God.
Wade Barrett: Man, being the Legal Eagle is hard work.
John Cena: Wade, I just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me in the last week. Not since I got to cut promos about John Ritter have I felt more free to do exactly what I wanted to do in this locker room. This is more fun than when I feuded with Jesus.
Barrett: You know, you talking like that for the past month makes me think I’ve got this whole thing all wrong. I mean…you actually like being in the nXt. That’s…not good. Can’t you at least pretend to have reservations about this? It would make me feel a little better.
Cena: Sure. Right after I enjoy the hell out of beating up Randy Orton tonight.
Lay Cool vs. Gail Kim and Melina
Nobody gets a ring entrance in this one because…Well, I mean come on. Sorry, Ladies, but you should’ve seen that one coming. Remember when Mick Foley wanted to make Melina into the new My Darling Stacy or Sable? Hahahaha…Me neither! Seriously, though, Mick, what were you thinking? Gail does literally nothing through the course of this match, and about a minute in, Michelle kicks Melina in the face for the win. She doesn’t look quite as bored as she did at UFC though. Almost, but not quite.
Somewhere, The Miz is whining.
And now he’s in the ring with Alex Riley.
The Miz: I’m embarrassed. Partly because Team RAW somehow lost to Team Smackdown on Sunday, yes. But really because I was sharing that team with the likes of Santino and R-Truth. What the hell did you expect me to do with that?
Alex Riley: You could’ve put me on Team RAW, boss.
Miz: And how, exactly, would you have improved our chances of winning? God. At least they put me in the video game this year. I was getting kind of sick of that. Maybe next year they’ll even give me some moves.
Riley: Wishful thinking.
Eve Torres: Guys, I hate to break it to you, but nobody wants to hear you two whining about video games and the RAW roster for an hour. That’s what we have for.
Miz: Nobody wants to hear anything from you, Eve. Ever.
Eve: Why don’t you call me when you’ve actually done something. How long have you sat on the Money in the Bank? Everybody in the RAW locker room knows that you were just as big a joke as anybody else on that team.
Miz: Even R-Truth?
Eve: Ok, maybe not that big a joke.
Riley: I…don’t get it. Of all the girls they could send out here, Eve Torres? Is this what it’s come to?
R-Truth: Who’s ready to Get Crunk? Kermit? Count Chocula? Girl nXt? Get Crunk! Get Crunk! Get Crunk!
Riley: Ok, this segment just got embarrassing for everybody.
Michael Cole: Just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. It says: Get Crunk! Get Crunk! Get Crunk!
The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. R-Truth (w/ Eve Torres)
Miz with a CHINLOCK~! coming out of the break, cementing his position as the New Randy Orton. Then another half dozen CHILOCKS~! Ok. Ok. We get it. Geez. Seriously, though. Is he ever going to cash in that briefcase? It’s getting a little sad to see him walking around with it these days. Eve smacks Riley for the biggest pop of the night. Everybody loves female on male violence. Just ask Drew McIntyre. Truth hits him too, and the crowd boos, because really. Leave Alex alone. Miz hits his move (That’s His Move!) for the win.
Toby Keith is…drunk.
Toby Keith: I swear it you guys. I was watching football and I was like, what are all these Mexicans doing here. And it turns out they weren’t Mexicans, they were Mexicools. And they stole my hat. So, then I called my pilot man, and I was like, “Where the wrestling at?!” and then I remembered that I don’t have a pilot, so then I played a song for the 1996 Super Bowl in my back yard, and I-
The Bella Twins: Ok. That’s enough, Toby.
Keith: Oh, man! I’m seeing double!
Sheamus vs. Santino Marella
Toby shares a manly hug with Santino on his way to the ring. Well, that was nice. The story of the match is Santino constantly attempting moves and constantly being dropped on his head for the effort. Sheamus with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) but the pin is broken up by John Morrison, who is mostly interested in stopping the embarrassment that is Santino’s entire career. Santino’s having none of it, however, and he stands up, walks over to Sheamus, and rolls him up. Santino wins! Santino wins! Do you believe in vaguely believable upsets in a fake sport?!
Still not voting for WWE or whatever? What’s wrong with you?! These wrestler’s love their jobs! Except the ones that have quit over the past couple years. Or died. Or got fired for no real reason. But they love it! Look, Rey Misterio is doing a great job holding back his tears!
Heath Slater: Can you guys believe this? From jobbing to G-Rilla to WWE Tag Team champions in under a year!
Justin Gabriel: I’m going to go grab my vuvuzela. Come on, guys!
David Otunga: Wade, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last couple weeks. What with my teased face turn and all. And I’m confused. First you attack The Undertaker for no other reason than because you’re a big Brock Lesnar fan. Then you go out and don’t win the WWE Title despite the fact that you only had to beat Randy Orton. Now you strip me and Cena of the Tag Team titles and give them to those two twerps. What gives?
Wade Barrett: Great question! An even better question is why I’m totally going to avoid your question by introducing the two newest members of ‘ ten man raid group.
Michael McGillicutty: Yo.
Husky Harris: What’s a…”Raid Group?”
Barrett: Any further questions, David?
Elsewhere, John Cena and Randy Orton are fighting over the keytar in Rockband 3.
John Cena (w/ Wade Barrett) vs. Randy Orton
The winner of this match, of course, gets to choose the referee for the upcoming Barrett/Orton II match. Orton’s really hoping he can win so he can get WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan into that match. Jack Doan deserves more recognition. Punches are traded to start. Orton looks like he really wants to lock in a CHINLOCK~! right now. Show Miz how it’s done, Ranky! Cena misses a Cross Body Block(!) causing Wade Barrett to frown at ringside. But then he’s fine, because…he’s John Cena.
CHINLOCK~! from Orton. Hell yeah! In your damn face, The Miz! There will never be another Randy Orton except Ranky Q. Morgan! More trading moves after that until Cena gets the Attitude Adjustment and STF. Barrett pulls the rope away from Orton, and Cena bails on the move because he doesn’t need any help being a dick to Randy. He’s got that covered, Wade. Cena goes to get back into the ring and trips. WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiike Chioda doesn’t see it, however, so Orton Doesn’t Win! That’s why we need more Jack Doan. Barrett punches Cena in the face for the DQ…win! Wade Barrett is a Genius. hits the ring and beats the crap out of Orton. Cena pulls them off. Then he makes fun of Orton for not being able to beat up Justin Gabriel.
Wade Barrett: Cena! Cena! You are going to be the referee. If you help Randy Orton win our match at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE Survivor Series, I’ll fire you and you’ll be stuck working on Smackdown or…God forbid, TNA.
John Cena: Noooooo!
Barrett: But if you help me win? You’re out of nXt and free to be a jerk on your own time, and not screwing everything up for me all the time. It’s win win for me!
Cena: Oh no! What will I do?!
Next Week: John Cena prepares for a month of antagonizing the hell out of Randy Orton. Also, The Nexus attempts to (and fails to) raid Naxxaramas. And Santino and Goldust continue to have storylines.
Triple H: Man! Thanks for bringing this briefcase cake, Miz. I was wondering why you had that thing for so long. At first, I thought it was because you’ll never win the WWE title. But now I know.
The Miz: You’re welcome. I think.
Randy Orton: I just wish Rico Floor and The Pizza were here to celebrex with us.
HHH: Don’t worry, little Randy, they’re in a better place right now. Actually, I have no idea what the hell happened to those guys. Huh.
Tommy Dreamer: They both quit after they realized what a pathetic sham the WWE was and that they could do something, anything, better with their lives.
HHH: Wow. When did you turn into such a Debbie Downer, Tommy? I mean, I always hated you, but you used to be cool!
Dreamer: When TNA started paying me to be a Debbie Downer.
Wade Barrett: Guys, I’m not sure I understand the concept still. Ten years of what, exactly?
HHH: Nothing. Just shut up and eat your cake.
Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!