Archive for November 2010

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for November 21st – 27th, 2010

November 29, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Happy Thanksgiving! I don’t know when “Thanksgiving” became Taboo, but I noticed a lot of stores have started in on the “Happy Holidays” trend a little early this year. It all seems a bit silly to me, but I guess so long as there’s turkey and stuffing, I don’t care what you call it.

2. Happy Black Friday! I’ve been Black Friday Sober for a couple years now, so I can go back to watching people getting into fistfights over a $10 discount on dryer sheets with the same wary, depressed eye I used to. Seriously, folks, even the great deals aren’t worth the scars.

3. College Football Is Hillarious. The BCS is in a furor going into the last week of actual college football as Boise State lost, but TCU won, meaning the lesser of the two non-BCS teams will end the season undefeated. And Wisconsin looks like the best team in the nation, despite winning only a portion of the Big Ten title and Oregon/Auburn being the likely BCS title game.

4. By the Way We’re Stealing Serenity Too. Warner Brothers, who owns the rights to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” in film, announced this week that pre-production has begun on a film without creator Joss Whedon’s knowledge or consent, and he will not advise on the product as he’s currently entrenched on working on 2012′s “The Avengers.” Reached for comment, Whedon replied “At least it’s not Marti Noxon running it” and then turned into a puddle of tears.

5. In Other News, I’m Hosting SNL This Week. Musical Guest, My Mom on Kazoo. Following up on the success of Betty White, Cookie Monster, the Sesame Street puppet has launched a full-on web campaign to host SNL, the perfect show for his considerable talents. He’ll make a great follow-up to last week’s host, Naked Anne Hathaway.

RAW Satire for 11/22/10

November 26, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: The WWE Got the F back for a week, and things were really Fd up. Then Survivor Series happened and nothing changed. I don’t know. Call Mean Gene’s hotline if you want to know more.

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Wade Barrett! And !

Wade Barrett: Hey, everybody. Shut up! I’m really starting to think that I’m never going to win the WWE Title. I mean, could the deck have been stacked any more in my favor? Sure, it was probably a mistake to befriend John Cena before Survivor Series, but I figured his friendship with Randy Orton would supersede that. But then Orton went and made him fall over and broke them up. So now what? When I came out of NXT to become leader of the nXt, I think we all figured I’d be WWE champion inside of a year. But now with John Cena as my friend? I won’t ever win the title.

Michael Cole: Just got a message from the RAW General Manager! Ehem. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Capital Letters, Yo Yo Yoooooooo!

No title for Wade,
Survivor Series was a mess,
John Cena’s not a referee,
He put you to the test.

You were his best friend,
So he set out to destroy you,
He’s the number one jerk,
He makes all his boys blue.

But the RAW GM is here,
He’s got ‘ back,
You get another title match,
One more chance to attack.

That match takes place tonight,
You have nothing to fear,
Barrett versus Orton,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Barrett: Yes. Well. On what I can only hope is a completely unrelated note, I’ve decided to have John Cena show up here tonight to give his farewell address. I don’t know why I’ve agreed to do that, but certainly nothing can go wrong. And I’ve been such a nice guy this whole time, it only makes sense. Right? …Right?

(ads)

Sheamus vs. R-Truth
In a King of the Ring Qualifying Match

Truth is back to wondering “What’s Up?” I guess that’s what happens when you get crunk too many times. CM Punk is now on commentary, apparently having pissed off WWE so much so many times, they’re forcing him to sit next to Michael Cole until he learns his lesson. Sheamus calls Truth “Fella” to start. That’s his move. Only gets a two though. Jerry “” Lawler doesn’t know how to talk over Punk yet, so he just starts muttering random phrases into his microphone. Cole in the meantime, has just shut up entirely. I’m starting to love CM Punk.

(ads)

Punk now decrying the act of getting crunk. Well, yeah. But let’s not forget about the dangers of finding out what’s up! I mean, you can get with this or you can get with that. *shudder* That’s not to mention the dangers of Bananarama in your pants. What’s up! What’s up! Truth with a roll-up which may or may not be His Move, probably not though, because Sheamus kicks out. Bicycle Kick to R-Truth. The Finisher of Champions. And then Sheamus does the Celtic Cross, which is surprisingly not something out of the Kama Sutra. I checked. Sheamus wins. When does he marry Kate Middleton?

Want to buy a John Cena DVD?! What do you mean “No”?

(ads)

Backstage….

Michelle McCool: Let us in!

Security Jones: No. RAW Superstars only, lady.

Layla El: Do you even know the difference?

Jones: Err….

McCool: We’re wrestlers, clearly! So how do you know if we’re RAW Superstars are not. Do you watch the shows?

Jones: Well…no. That is to say-

Layla: Let us in!

Jones: Try showing up on time to your own show if you really are RAW Superstars. Hey, blondie cakes, you know skinny and skinnier over here?

Natalya: You mean Smackdown’s Michelle McCool and Layla El? Nope.

Jones: Sorry, guys. I thought you were cool, but Aksana there say no.

Elsewhere….

Santino Marella: I can’t-a believe you-a think I’m-a the Iron Sheik-a to your-a Nikolai Volkov-a! I’m not-a nearly as insante-a as the Sheik-a! And you’re-a not nearly-a as over-a as Volkov!

Vladamir Kozlov: It’s not as bad as all that, Santino. Geez. I just know what he’s going through, because we’re both weird Russian sidekicks to hilarious ethnic stereotypes.

Santino: Well that-a makes me feel-a much better-a. Wait. No-a it doesn’t-a. You’re a terrible-a person, and I-a hate you-a!

Tamina: You don’t mean that, Santino. He doesn’t mean that, Vladamir. Now, I’m going to sing a “Don’t Stop Believin’” for eight hours straight.

Santino: I think-a I’m in-a love!

Then they make out. Well, not Kozlov. He just slowly slides off his chair until he’s off camera.

Elsewhereer, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I have to ask you, will you just lose the title to Wade Barrett so we can all just get on with our lives? Please?

Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and concurrent holster of the VHS Girl’s Chocolatechip. And John, for as long as I limp I will never give Wayne Banquet a typo. Joe Cedar refererefereed one help of a match last night at Surveyor’s Serious, and called it right down the middleton. To fight, I take Wayne down…FOR GOODS!

(ads)

Ezekial Jackson vs. Alex Riley
In a King of the Ring Qualifying Match

This was supposed to be Miz in this match, but he’s still backstage straightening his hair. CM Punk wastes no time ripping Riley for getting a DWI. I sort of figured Miz did all the driving. Apparently, Riley will give his slot to Miz if he wins. Which is great, because he’s not going to win. Because he’s Alex Riley. Though what, Zeke is going to do with a King of the Ring crown is beyond me. He doesn’t even have a silly accent! But he wins with his move (That’s His Move!).

Backstage, R-Truth, Eve Torres, Yoshi Tatsu, Gail Kim, and Santino Marella are chatting about how glad they are that John Cena got fired. John Cena, who is sitting right there, just smiles and thinks to himself that at least he isn’t R-Truth, Eve Torres, Yoshi Tatsu, Gail Kim, or Santino Marella.

(ads)

John Cena is out. Goodbye, John. We’re all going to miss you!

John Cena: You guys, you have no idea how sad it is for me to be leaving right now. Being fired by WWE via Wade Barrett was the worst thing to ever happen to me in my career. I mean, WWE fans hate my guts, how do you think the Ring of Honor people are going to take me? I’m going get eaten alive! Oh my God, you guys! I have the Internets! I know how this is going to go! I’mo going to show up, and ten seconds later some guy named “Jimmy” is going to shiv me. Haven’t I learned anything? I should’ve just given Barrett the title. What do I care? He’d be easier to beat than Orton anyway! And I’m friends with both guys! My jerk code wouldn’t have minded screwing either one of them over. But no. Stupid me. I got fired. Maybe I can go to TNA. Their particular brand of everybody turning on each other every ten seconds and fans fiendishly devoted to nothing in particular is perfect for me. I’ll have to go back home to West Blueberry and figure things out. Maybe punch Tha Trademarc or something. Yeah. Anyway, chant about how much you hate me!

Crowd: Cena sucks! Cena sucks!

Cena: Yeah. I’m gonna miss you guys, too. Oh, and Wade, I’m sorry, man. You’re really not a bad guy. You didn’t get a fair shake when I screwed you over, and I think you’ll probably have a nice career going forward because you can actually string more than one sentence together, and I know Billy Kidman is mad at me right now-

Backstage….

Billy Kidman: What the hell, dude?! Nobody’s supposed to know I’m here!

Dean Malenko: Here he is! I found him! You know you can’t sneak backstage anymore, Kidman. Nobody wants you here!

Kidman: Damn you, Cena!

Back in the ring….

Cena: -but I just want you all to know, that this last couple years has been the best prank of my life. That’s right. I love you all, and so I set out to give you the worst possible product every week, in the interest of pranking you SO hard. In the words of my mentor, the immortal Iron Sheik, I HEELING ON YOU! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then Cena walks backstage and the Entire RAW Lockerroom including about eight guys who I’ve never seen before and Tough Enough Jessie are there, cheering because they’re so happy that he got fired. And Paul London is there with a huge grin on his face until he’s tackled and beaten by Malenko. And Cena walks slowly, sadly out the door as the “Sad Theme from The Incredible Hulk” plays. And then Wade Barrett jumps into the camera shot and waves his hand like he’s four. Grow up, Wade.

(ads)

Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ Brie Bella)
In a King of the Ring Qualifying Match

Apparently Daniel-san found himself a girlfriend. That’s nice. CM Punk laughs, because in the span of the time it took Bryan to walk down to the ring with his new girlfriend, Punk has already dated, bedded, and broken up with five female wrestlers. He is now Jerry “” Lawler’s new best friend. Bryan rolls DiBiase into the LaBell lock for the win. After the match, Nikki Bella runs out to also have sex with Daniel, immediately making him both Punk and Lawler’s hero. But like any true nerd, Bryan locks up and runs away. Michael Cole is not impressed.

(ads)

Alicia Fox vs. Natalya

Sadly for Alicia, this is not for the WWE Undefined Diva’s Title. Punk and Lawler compare notes about the ladies. Oh, that’s going to get annoying after a while. I’ll be honest here, I completely forgot that Alicia Fox was even a person, so this match kind of took me by surprise. And I remember that she was pretty awful, and she’s not that awful here, so maybe this is somebody else entirely. Natalya grabs a Sharpshooter for the win. That’s just about everybody in her family’s move!

Backstage, John Morrison and Melina are trying to rekindle their romance. Somewhere, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” punches a wall.

(ads)

John Morrison vs. Tyson Kidd
In a King of the Ring Qualifying Match

…Wait. Really? Ok, seriously. I sort of understand what Morrison is doing here. He’s kind of the right fodder to lose in this type of tournament. But what in the hell has Tyson Kidd done…ever? He apparently qualified for the King of the Ring qualifiers by losing every tag match he’s been in for the last three months. Punk and Lawler are still comparing notes on which Divas they’d like to bang, which is nice. Morrison misses his move (That’s His Move) for the win.

(ads)

Randy Orton vs.-

Orton comes out towards the ring, and is immediately waylaid by . In the midst of the beat down, referees and Dean Malenko pull the nXt guys off Randy, except for Husky Harris, because he’s TOO HUSKY TO BE CONTAINED!

(ads)

Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Orton will not surrender, even though he got Huskied. In turn, the RAW General Manager has banned from ringside. Which is fine, because they have to go mourn Southshore and get ready for the Shattering. Now would be a great time for David Otunga to use the confusion of the new Azeroth to supplant Wade as the guild master. And something about wrestling. Barrett takes control early, but he’s attacked fairly quickly by John Cena, who can’t leave without one last dick move. nXt rushes out to run Cena off, which…weren’t they banned from ringside? Enforce some rules here, WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiiiiike Chioda! Barrett gets back up, but falls over the fallen body of Justin Gabriel. Orton wins!

But wait…what’s this?!

The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. Randy Orton
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Oh man! It’s time for the Money in the Bank! For reals this time! Maybe. Miz takes control, but Orton fights back. Punk loves the idea of this, but he remembers this being a whole lot easier. In fact, Orton looks like he’s about to make Miz fall over, until Alex Riley yells, “Don’t fall over, Miz!” With that intense strategy in mind, Miz kicks Orton in the head for the win. Miz is the NEW WWE Spnnin’ Champion! He’s in tears. Alex Riley is yelling every swear word he knows into the camera. And Oh My God.

Some Demon Child watches on. Just…there…Staring. I think she’s the RAW General Manager.

Next Week: RAW General Manager Demon Girl books every man on the RAW Roster against Miz in title matches until he loses. John Cena returns and nobody remembers that he ever got fired. And starts fighting about whose responsibility it was to watch Southshore.

Video Game Review: Poker Night at the Inventory

November 26, 2010 Video Games No comments

I’m not much for Poker, but I am a sucker for TellTale games, so I was interested to see on which end of the spectrum the game fell on. Overall, I think I’m surprised at how much I enjoyed it.

Poker Night at the Inventory does a good job of capturing some of the magic Sierra stumbled upon almost twenty years ago with their Hoyle’s Book of Games series. In the first few games of the series’ run, you could choose classic Sierra characters and more generic players, who would interact during the game. Nothing quite beat watching Larry Laffer and Princess Rosella bond over a game of Crazy Eights while King Graham fumed.

In Poker Night, the character interactions are well done and quite fun. The four characters are Max from Sam and Max, Strong Bad from Homestar Runner (so This is where he’s been), the Heavy from Team Fortress, and Tycho from Penny Arcade. Conversations repeat pretty often, but there are some real gems, like Tycho’s insanely creepy rants about animals that get even Max freaked out.

The poker is adequate. The rules of the game aren’t really explained well, but if you keep your TV on ESPN 2 long enough, you’ll pick up the important rules. Sidepots (money bets made when two betters exceed another player’s all-in gambit) aren’t explained at all, and are presented poorly in the interface.

Any actual poker aficionado will probably be turned off by the gameplay, which is relatively basic, and without the ability to actually interact with the gang at the table, you can’t really get a feel for how they’re playing. Max just seems to play hands at random, Strong Bad is reckless, Heavy tries to bully you out of hands, and Tycho plays it safe.

Extra Features:

Each character bets a certain item specific to their franchise. Those items can then be transferred for use into Team Fortress 2 via Steam. Special tables and card decks can also be unlocked. If you don’t want to play enough games to win all this stuff, you can unlock all of it directly as well.

Technical:

The game is a little buggy for a TellTale release. The graphics can get jumbled on some graphics cards, making the game unplayable. Certain decks occasionally glitch not showing the second card in your hand. The game will occasionally announce the winners of side-pots instead of the winners of hands. I haven’t run into this, but a few people have reported that the game will rarely award the pot to a player who didn’t win the hand.

Graphics:

The graphics actually meld very well. Tycho and Strongbad are sort of animated 2D characters, while Max and Heavy are more clay model based. But they don’t look too out of place once you’re into the game.

The Inventory itself is full of flavor, including a lot of characters from TellTale’s other games wandering around in the intro sequence. Once you’re at the table though, there’s not a whole lot of variety. A few of the tables have some minor graphical effects that are pretty nice. The card decks are ok, but some of them are difficult to read.

Sound:

The Dialog is well done and professionally recorded. I’m not sure who did the audio for Tycho, but once you get used to the voice, it actually fits pretty well with the character. Audio clips are very amusing, but repeats quite a bit. Especially Strong Bad.

The music is fine, but it’s just sort of a generic elevator music theme version of Theme from Dangeresque and doesn’t do much for me one way or another. A little musical variety, maybe changing with the tables or something, would’ve been nice.

Replay Value:

Tons of unlockables that you can play with. And if you can avoid getting annoyed with the repetitious dialogs, the poker game actually turns out to be pretty fun.

Final Score: 8/10

As a poker game, it’s sort of an endearing side thing that shows off what else TellTale can do with their game engine. It’s sort of a well put together tech demo/homage to early era Sierra. It’s only $5, so it’s not like there’s anything to really discourage you from buying it, if you’re even the least bit interested.

The game is pretty much all potential. With only four characters and one game the appeal is pretty limited. If you start playing and really can’t stand one of the characters, well…you’re stuck with them. It’s a lovely, well executed concept though, we can only hope that it sells well enough that it gets a proper treatment later on down the pipe with TellTale (and apparently Valve’s) huge castlist to draw from.

If you’re interested in taking a look at the game, you can see the trailer and unlockables at the TellTale Website.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 12

November 24, 2010 NFL No comments

1. New York Jets
Last Week: 1
T.O. called Darrell Revis “an average corner.” Which is convenient for Jets fans, because the Bengals are a way less than average team.

2. New England Patriots
Last Week: 2
The 2010 New England Patriots: A bunch of white guys you’ve never heard of and Justin Beiber.

3. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 3
You could make a case that Atlanta is the best team in the league right now. Almost no problems, they’ve had a great stretch of games, but they’re so low profile, it’s hard to remember they’re even this good.

4. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 8
Michael Vick has become an unstoppable machine. He’s due for a dropoff any time now, but until then he’s the biggest dog in this fight.

5. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 4
Beating the crap out of the disambiguated Vikings doesn’t impress me a whole lot. Their running and passing games still look pretty far out of sync.

6. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 6
Jay Cutler’s drunken gunslinging and willingness to take shots to the face is finally starting to pay off for the Bears, who are really looking forward to somehow failing to make the playoffs anyway.

7. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 9
The Ravens needed two interception returns and huge passes to get over the mighty Carolina Panthers. Well…at least they didn’t lose.

8. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 10
Will the Saints be thankful for having Reggie Bush back for Thursday’s game against Dallas? Not if he eats all the pie.

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 11
Mike Williams will play this week despite his DUI. Why? Because Tampa doesn’t have anybody else to start at receiver. Makes sense to me!

10. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 12
All things considered, you’d punch Ben Roethlisberger for $25,000 too. Don’t give me that, you totally would.

11. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 5
They’re starting to get into pretty dicey territory here. Vick’s red hot and completing the Manning-sweep or whatever, but they start need to playing better football.

12. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week 13
The Jags can take great comfort in the fact that, as terrible as they are, they’re still tied with the Colts and may just win the AFC South.

13. New York Giants
Last Week: 7
So it turns out that they might be in a bit of disarray. That’s what you get when your offense can’t hang onto the ball.

14. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 16
Nice to see Dwayne Bowe finally rolled out of bed, looked in the mirror, and said to himself, “Hey, I’ve got a football game to play in this week!”

15. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 15
When Rusty Smith signed with the Tennessee Titans eight months ago, he was just hoping to get people to stop making fun of his stupid name. Now? He’s still doing that, but as the starting QB for the Titans.

16. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 20
Ok, you know what. Shut up. Why the hell can’t Norv Turner and/or Phillip Rivers ever win a game in the first half of the year?

17. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 17
Still the frontrunner to win the NFC West. Even if they lose all the rest of their games. I swear, that’d probably work out to be true somehow.

18. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 14
I hate to open up an old wound here, but maybe JaMarcus Russell would revitalize this team. Not as the quarterback, obviously, but they could use a good offensive lineman or something.

19. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 22
Mike Shannahan always has this look on his face now. Ever week. Like, “Oh God. Oh God. Why did I agree to do this. I should’ve just stayed in Malibu. I’m so fucking pissed off right now. Where’s Grossman?”

20. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 21
Nobody does more with less than Tyler Thigpen. Little talent. Little armstrength. Not at all suited to run an NFL offense. Third string quarterback. But he keeps getting starts, baby.

21. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 28
Super Bowl here we come! Right guys? Right?! Well, at least they’re playing like a team again. Maybe Wade Phillip’s jowls just got too distracting.

22. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 22
I’ve got nothing new to say about the Rams this week. I’d just like to thank them for introducing me to fantasy superstar Danny Amendola.

23. Houston Texans
Last Week: 19
So this has been a fun season, right guys? I mean you only have to go 4-2 the rest of the way out to hit your annual 8-8 target. And you really showed the Colts in Week One.

24. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 26
This week on “Who’s got a healthy ankle” Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhomme draw straws to see who’s going to be forced to start for the Browns this week.

25. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 27
They’re so, so, so horrible, but they’re moving up in the Power Rankings. Why? because somewhat improbably, after five straight losses, they’re not out of the NFC West race.

26. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 25
Tim Tebow Alert: With the Broncos’ freefall continuing, Tim can now focus on his ministry work, taking his message of hope and renewal to the most disadvantaged people in the world: The Denver Broncos.

27. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 24
Mike Singletary is “notupset” with Tampa runningback LeGarrette Blount who turned down an offer to come to 49ers camp, saying he was going to Tennessee and instead signing with Tampa. Singletary wishes that was him.

28. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 23
Brad Childress was finally fired this week. So Minnesota sports fans have successfully gotten two head coaches fired mid-season this year. I’d be worried for Kurt Rambis, but nobody watches the Timberwolves.

29. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 26
The Bengals have mailed this one in, and should be ranked even lower since they gave up a huge lead to Buffalo (Buffalo!). But I can’t. They’re just not bad enough.

30. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 30
I can’t wait for their NFL Films special next year. NFL Films Presents The Buffalo Bills 2010 Season: At Least We’re Not Detroit

31. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 31
You can’t help but feel bad for them anymore. I mean they went from one of the most promising teams in the league a few weeks ago to…whatever the hell this is.

32. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 32
Seriously, though, anybody want to start at quarterback or running back for the Panthers? Anybody. No experience needed. Six figure contract, just stand back there and get hit.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for November 14th – 20th, 2010

November 22, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Have You Heard About Harry Potter? Apparently half of a new Harry Potter movie came out this weekend. Charging full price for half a film might feel like highway robbery, especially considering that you’ll have to wait until next summer to see the rest. But whatever it takes to support reading. Or…whatever.

2. Justin Beiber Is Not the Artist of the Year. You know, I don’t hate Justin Beiber as much as most people, but Justin Beiber won artist of the year award at the American Music Awards this weekend and…really? Really, Dick Clark?

3. Dancing with the Stars Is Awfully Defensive for a Terrible TV Show. Dancing with the Stars producers all hit the media this week defending Bristol Palin’s presence in the finale, despite her being a pretty awful dancer. But guys…it’s a reality show. People will vote for who they want to see, not who’s any good. Just say that. It’s fine.

4. Beatles Are on iTunes. In addition to the new white iPhone 4 the other big announcement Apple made this week was that the Beatles catalog has finally been added to iTunes. It’s about damn time, Apple.

5. Golf Is for Whores and Old People. Tiger Woods says the crazy, wild life on the road that is golf is what lead him to be unfaithful to his wife Elin. Um…Yes. Because when I think of golf, I think of crazy wild partying. Note to Mr. Woods: Golf has always been the slowest, most boring sport, even when you were on top. You’re doing it wrong.

YouTube Monday: Goodbye, Old Enemy

November 22, 2010 YouTube No comments

No, this isn’t (though it could be!) about Brad Childress.

This isn’t really even a video. It’s the audio from the classic World of Warcraft instance, Zul’Gurub. I have a lot of unfond memories of farming that place for three years, hoping against hope for a pair of mounts that never dropped.

Tomorrow, Zul’Gurub will be deleted from WoW forever, so let’s take a moment to remember our bitter rival with its music.

(P.S. Fuck you, Zul’Gurub)

RAW Satire for 11/15/10

November 22, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: John Cena continued his streak of being the worst referee in wrestling history. Wade Barrett made himself at home…while he was at home. And Sheamus really learned to enjoy Santino’s company.

(80s Credits. Get the F out, you guys! Try to guess which one of these Superstars Missy Hyatte didn’t have sex with!)

(None. She had sex with all of them.)

They really went all out with this old school theme. Old ring, old chyron, old black and white Titantron. Michael Cole has gained 300lbs to look like Gorilla Monsoon and Jerry Lawler finally let his hair go gray and he’s wearing a sequined jumpsuit. So basically, he’s just Jerry Lawler but with gray hair.

Justin Roberts: Ladies and gentlemen, some old guy.

Mean Gene Okerlund: Thanks, Lillian. Man. This reminds me of back in the day, when wrestling was wrestling and real men wore granny panties and wouldn’t talk to the heels because it was taboo. Now you kids and your…music. What ever happened to Max Moon anyway, I could’ve sworn that guy would be a star. If you want to know who else I thought was going to be a star, call Mean Gene’s WWF hotline! I’ll give you last week’s lotto numbers! I’ll tell you about the time I slept with Missy Hyatte! All that and tons more. Kids get your parent’s permission before dialing.

Cowboy Bob Orton: Dialing? Gene, kids these days have their own cellphones now. They don’t need their parent’s permission to do anything anymore. Randy bought a condo in Maui when he was seven! Where he got the money…well…I don’t want to know, to be frank.

Gene: Ok, you be Frank and I’ll be Shirley.

Here’s , fresh off their victory over Professor Putricide in ICC 10.

Wade Barrett: Speaking of Vile Oozes, if it isn’t this old guy and that old guy. Ok. I’m going to be really honest right now. I don’t know who any of these people are tonight. I didn’t start watching wrestling until…um…well…Ok, I still don’t watch wrestling. But it was either this or professional haberdasher, and I have this irrational fear of buttons….

Justin Gabriel: I think it’s…Bob Hoskins and Randy Orton’s grandpa.

The Miz: Guys, I have no idea why I came out here, but I just wanted to hang out with one of my favorite wrestlers of all time. Bob Backlund, it’s truly an honor and pleasure to finally meet you in the flesh.

John Cena: Guys, not to interrupt this segment, but I just had to come out here. It’s not every day you get to see Justin Roberts. Justin Roberts everybody! How about that! Hey, Miz! Let’s have a match so that Justin Roberts can watch us!

Miz: I don’t know, man. I was going to skip the rest of tonight’s show.

Alex Riley: Come on, Miz! Do it for me! Do it for Bob Hoskins! Do it for Bob Backlund!

Miz: For Bob Backlund! Anything!

Cowboy Bob: Should we tell them?

Gene: Nope. They’re not worth our time. We’ll be right back after these messages. Call the hotline, kids!

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Dolph Ziggler vs. Mark Henry

Nothing screams old school like these two. I’m not even kidding. Stuck up skinny white guy heel and a fat black guy who’s gimmick is that he’s strong. Just like the 80s. No clue what Dolph is doing out here though. SEXUAL CHOCOLATE THEME! That’s more…90s, but why the hell not. Where’s the Spirit Squad theme? And what ever happened to Mitch? That was the real star of the group. Mark bes fat for a while to remind us how fat he is. Then Dolph finishes him off with a Sleeper. You’re kidding me, right? 80S FINISH! Yes, I am aware that that is, for whatever reason, his actual finisher.

Backstage….

David Hart Smith: We’re just a really awful tag team. I mean, you lose a match, and it is what it is. You know. Whatever, right? But you lose 42 in a row? It’s probably time to call it a day for a while. We’re the Detroit Lions of professional wrestling.

Tyson Kidd: Yeah, it’s not like your dad was a decent wrestler or anything. I mean him and my dad Dynamite Kidd were an awesome tag team. Get better!

Smith: I don’t know how to tell you this but, Dynamite Kid isn’t your dad.

Kidd: I was adopted?!

Smith: Um…how do I put this? No. Your real name is T.J. Wilson, remember?

Kidd: Oh my God! Al Wilson is my dad and Torrie is my sister. It’s like a wrestling dynasty.

Smith: Sure.

Kidd: So why am I in the Hart Dynasty again?

Smith: I ask myself that every day. And also Teddy is a huge asshole.

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The Hart Dynasty vs. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater

Natalya either doesn’t care about the Harts anymore, or she’s backstage trying really, really hard to grow a beard. Don’t quote me on this, but I’m almost positive this isn’t for the tag team titles, because the Harts haven’t done anything in forever that would make them get a title shot. Except maybe that they’re the only face tag team. Both teams are pretty even for the first few minutes, but then Kidd kicks Smith in the face and well…nXt wins. Tyson Kidd laughs, because apparently there’s nothing he loves more than losing matches. Well, you’re going to love the rest of your career!

Backstage, Mean Gene Okerlund is standing by with the Ortons.

Mean Gene Okerlund: Mean Gene Okerlund here and I’m standing by with the Ortons. And gentlemen, you may have heard on the Hotline that tonight Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov will be taking on The Usos for a shot at the tag team titles.

Cowboy Bob Orton: What does that have to do with us?

Gene: Nothing. I just thought you might want to know to call the Hotline.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and concurrent holster of the UMN Girl’s Chocolatechip! Gene Mean Orton, Cowman Rob Ourtown, I didn’t not call the Hintline, but I do know that Joe Cedar is breast fiends with Wayne Bracelet and I-

R-Truth: Get Crunk!

Gene: R-Truth! What are you doing here?

Truth: I heard there were a bunch of old people up in here tonight, and who likes to get crunk more than old people? Get crunk! Get crunk!

Gene: I…I like to get crunk.

Cowboy Bob: I’ve been known to get crunk once or twice, myself.

Orton: Ruth, you’re best enemas with Joe Cedar. What’s he going to do when he refridgees my match at Surveyors Species?

Truth: Get crunk?

Orton: Even I spa that comering. Oh, well. Let’s us get funk.

Gene: That’s it from down here, folks. If you want to find out what happens when we get crunk call the WWF Hotline!

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At the WWF Studios in Stamford….

Mean Gene Okerlund: Hello everyone, and thank you for tuning into Monday Night RAW. Still to come tonight, some matches. But for the latest news about what’s going on in the WWF, don’t forget to call the Hotline. Find out the latest status on Barry Horowitz! And what are we going to do with all these pandas and penguins? We can’t give these things away! Get your parent’s permission before dialing.

The Brooklyn Brawler (w/ Harvey Whippleman) vs. Ezekiel Jackson

I thought the Brawler denounced Brooklyn. That was on that one ECW I watched. Harvey looks rather spritely for a guy who hasn’t done anything in two decades. And yes, I’m counting his reign as Women’s Champion in there. Howard Finkel does the intros for this match, which is honestly the best part. Brawler runs at Zeke, which works about as well as you’d expect. Jackson wins.

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Backstage….

David Otunga: The whole arena smells like lotion and old sheets. Old School WWF is the worst idea for a theme week. You know what I just saw? A denture cleaning station set up next to the catering table. Guys, when I’m leader of , I’ll-

Wade Barrett: Pay attention to who else is in the room?

Otunga: Aw…probably not, though.

Barrett: Well, all right then. Hey, David, I want you to wrestle R-Truth tonight. Just beat him up until he stops getting involved in our segments. I can’t help but feel we’re not being taken seriously anymore if one of our main foibles is K-Kwik, you know.

Michael Cole: I received a telegraph from ye olde RAW General Manager! David Otunga won’t wrestle R-Truth, That’s racist. STOP Wade Barrett will wrestle R-Truth. STOP I pity the fool who appears on a wrestling show from the ‘80s in the ‘10s.

Barrett: Stop!

Husky Harris: Can I have a new name now? Please?

Barrett: Sure. You can be Fatty Fargas.

Husky: Ok. Ok. Geez.

John Cena: Guys! Guys! I just got my gnome warrior to level 20! He’s so awesome, you have to come check this out. I’m going to be raiding with you guys in no time!

Barrett: John, we’re not raiding anymore right now. Not with Cataclysm dropping in a few weeks. We’re all just standing pat. And then you’ll have five more levels to catch up on, not to mention gear. Or that you probably won’t even be in anymore.

Cena: I hate you guys.

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John Cena vs. The Miz (w/ Alex Riley)

Miz is still freaking out about having met Bob Backlund, so….

John Cena vs. Alex Riley (w/ The Miz)

This is the match we really wanted to see, isn’t it? Remember how Cena and Miz had a feud, where it was all just Miz talking for four months, and then Cena put him in the STF and we forgot about everything forever? Well, why the hell are these guys feuding again? Miz distracts Cena and Riley gets in about three offensive moves (two punches and a slightly different punch) and then Cena gets the Attitude Adjustment and the STF for the win. Randy Orton comes out, and is momentarily beset with Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty, before they get roped by Cowboy Bob. Then Orton and Cena start wailing on each other, because apparently the way to Cena’s heart through Orton is his skull. Cena totally deserves it though. Dean Malenko bolts to the ring to separate the two men.

Michael Cole: I just got paged by the RAW General Manager! It says, “Cena…Orton…Piper’s Pit…Tonight…Man of 1000 Holds.”

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(80s Credits)

Wait, what?

Iron Sheik: I deserve new opening credit! I love Classic WWF Monday RAW! This is highlight of my wrestling career! AHAHAHAHAHA! SHEIK IS HEELING YOU! This show is terrible! I wipe my butt hole with Classic WWF Monday RAW! What they think this is? TNA?! TNA Hock Ptooie!

Nikolai Volkov: Ok, ok, Sheik. Let’s go.

Sheik: Hogan?! HOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAN?! Let Sheik tell you about Hulk Hogman-

Santino Marella: Ladies and-a gentleman! Please-a give it-a up for-a Sabu! Sabu, thanks-a for coming back-a tonight. You’re-a really big-a part of ‘80s-a WWE History.

Sheik: My mustache has more honor than Vince Kenny Man! This is not Sheik heeling you. This is real deal straight dope from Sheik. I only come back because they promise to buy me year’s supply of mustache wax and curly boots! I spit on WWF! Hock ptooie! And Hulk Hogman-

Nikolai Volkov: This could go on for hours. You don’t understand how embarrassing this is. You know, in the airport the other day he spent five hours yelling at Felicia Day?

Vladamir Kozlov: I know exactly what you’re going through.

Santino: Who wants-a to try my-a new T-shirt-a? It says-a “Hey where-a did you get-a that spaghetti-a?

Volkov: Let’s go back to Russia, eh?

Kozlov: Hahahaha…No.

Volkov: Heh.

Sheik: SHEIK IS HEELING ON YOU! SHEIK HATES PANDAS! WWF can suckle a teet! My great feeling in whole career was get fired from WWF! Sheik Come out and break your back! You know Sheik! I break your back! HULK HOGAN! You-

Kozlov: So, question…How do you get him to stop?

Volkov: Usually, I just punch him in the balls.

Kozlov: I will definitely keep that in mind.

Santino: Did you-a know that-a I was-a the greatest-a Intercontinental champion-a of all-a the times-a? The Honk-a-Meter was-

Reverend Slick: Hey everybody remember me? Reverend Slick! I’m a Jive Soul Brother. A Jive Soul Broooooothaaaaaaa! Yeah! Ok! I’m going to go back home now!

Then, the Usos come out. Why? I don’t know.

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Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov vs. The Usos (w/ Jimmy Snuka and Tamina)
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Tag Team Titles

Oh. Superfly is out there with the Usos because his daughter is Tamina. Hopefully she has a better career than his other kid, Deuce, who is currently sitting in his room cradling a leather jacket and some hair gel and crying. Sounds like weekends at the Hocking household, Deuce. But I’m not sharing my leather jacket. The Usos dominate the offense for a while, even when Vlad is in there. I think he saw Sheik and Volkov and he saw a horrifying vision of his future. In twenty years, when we’re all trying to forget the WWE of the 2010s, these two will be gabbing it up. Santino tags in and dominates on offense and wins. You know what? What the hell. Sure. Sheamus runs out and kicks Vlad with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) but before he can go after Santino, John Morrison materializes in the ring thanks to the power of Classic WWF Stacker 2 Bees. Sheamus freaks out and leaves.

John Morrison: I have no idea why I keep showing up to help these guys.

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David Otunga vs. Kofi Johnston

Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait. So you took R-Truth out of this match…to put Kofi in? Well, at least the show is just as racist as it was in the 80s. And this is double racist because no matter what, the loser is going to be black. Damn you, WWE! George The Animal Steel is out now because…he…um? The guys attempt to continue their match while George stumbles around the ring, eating turnbuckles and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Gonna miss you, Jack! Finally George wanders off, pausing just long enough to vomit Doan out in time to make the three count for Kofi. The black guy wins! Yay!

Backstage….

Gerald Brisco: And so Pat says to the guy, “Pull it out real nice and slow. Let me enjoy every second.” So this guy whips this big ol’ slab of meat on the table, and it must’ve been bigger than an elephant’s trunk, you know?

Arn Anderson: Gerry, remind me never to go to the deli with Patterson.

John Morrison: All you old people are creeping me out. Sticking it to the World Wildlife Fund is one thing. Those guys are assholes. But none of you can ever come to the Palace of Wisdom.

Arn: Kid, you’re the bees knees. The way you randomly walk out every week and save those two guys nobody likes. That’s what a real hero does. You’re ok by my book. And also, buy my book. It’s called “101 Arn and Ole Jokes: Wrestlings Greatest Knock Knockouts.”

Briscoe: Now tell the truth, John. You got any more of that ab glitter I can use?

Sheamus saves Morrison from having to answer that with a Bicycle Kick (the Finisher of Champions!) to the face.

Sheamus: Fella, I accept your Survivor Series challenge!

Arn: Son, he didn’t challenge you.

Sheamus: Aw…well…crap. I feel kind of bad about that then.

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Backstage….

Aksana: Aksana say she win the Million Dollar Title!

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Hoooooo! Lady, I don’t know what your problem is, but if you’re going to live in ol’ Hacksaw’s country, then you gotta learn American. USA! USA! USA!

Dusty Rhodes: Hafabullo bufplable on a pole with the breakdown, Tony if you wheeeeeeel! Tah the mothaship!

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Finally, years of hard work have finally paid off! I’ve caught myself a Russian bride!

A giant net drops from the ceiling, trapping Aksana.

Aksana: But…I am being from Lithuania!

Kelly: Really? Damn.

Nikolai Volkov: I will being your Russian Bride!

Kelly: Get lost, creepo.

Ted DiBiase: Can I have my Million Dollar Title back now? God. That kid will steal everything that isn’t nailed down. Or at least the Million Dollar belt and Virgil.

Irwin R. Schyster: I just wanted to remind everybody to pay their taxes. Or you’ll be fired!

Kelly grabs the Million Dollar Belt and hands it over to DiBiase.

DiBiase: Great! Thanks. Now I’m going to give it back to my son.

Ted DiBiase Jr.: Um…No.

DiBiase: No?! After all of this trouble, you say Nooooo?

DiBiase Jr.: Have you seen how tacky that thing is? Yech.

Goldust: I guess that’s it for my career revival! Oh, well.

Dashing Cody Rhodes: Ok, guys, who wants to floss my teeth? Anybody? Anybody?

Dusty Rhodes: Hufflemuffin plodiddybloo!

DiBiase: You really are a terrible father, Dusty. You really are.

IRS: Hit the music!

And then they play the American Dream theme while everybody dances. Including a net covered Aksana and Tatanka, who may have been there this whole time. I literally do not know.

Ron Simmons: I’ve come to expect this.

Elsewhere, Eve Torres is the only person who will talk to R-Truth.

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Lord Alfred Hayes: I’ve come back from the dead to tell you that promotional consideration paid for by the following.

Definitely NOT Lord Alfred Hayes: Hulk Hogan ehem “Vitamins” ehem. The JVC Kaboom box. And Mr. Freeze Freeze pops. They’re almost as fun to squeeze as they are to eat.

R-Truth (w/ Eve Torres) vs. Wade Barrett

Sadly, none of them are actually paying any promotional considerations for this show. Except maybe the JVC Kaboom box. Did you realize they’re STILL making that damn thing? That was…ridiculous in 1998 when it was just them and those oil filters as WWF sponsors. But twelve years later, they’re still pumping the damn things out. Wade Barrett goes for his move (That’s His Move) but Truth flips out of it. Then Truth turns around right into Wade’s move (Still His Move). Wade Barrett wins! As his prize he doesn’t get embarrassed by R-Truth.

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And now…some guy.

Ricardo Rodriguez: And now…some guy!

Tito Santana: Arrriba! I’m getting $200 plus cab fair for this! Ole! And now…some guy!

Chavo Classic: I like to drive a car! Beep beep! And now…some guy!

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez, Tito Santana, and Chavo Guerrero Sr.) vs. Sergeant Slaughter

I would think that having three guys come out to introduce you would be enough to get you over, but Sarge just thinks that ADR is an “impudent puke with the manners of a wet dog with rabies.” So, he’s got that going for him. Big USA chant for the former Iraqi sympathizer. Where’s Sheik to provide Sarge with some back-up? Never mind. I don’t want to know. Cobra Clutch attempt by Slaughter, but he can’t get his arms past his own gut, much less Del Rio’s neck, so Del Rio kicks Sarge in the face for the win. After the match, Montel Vontavious Porter shows up, but everybody’s already gone by that point, so he just kind of frowns and leaves too.

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(80’s Credits…really you guys?)

Mean Gene Okerlund is standing by with Mae Young.

Mean Gene Okerlund: Mean Gene Okerlund here and I’m standing by with Mae Young, and Mae if you call the WWE Hotline right now I will give you the credit card information of a WWE Superstar. That’s right, you can shop on a Superstar’s dime until they figure out what’s going on and have you arrested! Kids, get your parents permission before calling!

Mae Young: Son, I have panties older than you. Look, I’ve wrestled in 9 decades and I’m gonna wrestle in ten. And I’m still working my way into breaking Missy Hyatte’s record!

Okerlund: Thank God I’m already on that list.

The Bella Twins: Us too!

Okerlund: That’s sweet. And disturbing on multiple levels.

Layla El: I guess I just do not understand the appeal of Mae Young. You’re old enough to be Betty White’s grandma. But just like Betty White, just because you’re old and say somewhat dirty things doesn’t make you cool.

Young: Listen here, slut whore, old people do whatever they damn well please! Unless we forget! Then we just do our puzzles and stay out of the way!

Michelle McCool: Omigod! I love zombies. Are you a zombie? Can I kiss you?

Mae Young vs. LayCool

The face Divas pour into the ring to keep Michelle from throwing herself and another zombie, leaving poor Layla terrified in the ring at what’s transpiring. Mae staggers towards her, talons outstretched, ready to tear into Layla El’s supple young flesh. Her life flashes before her eyes. Teased in school because that’s not a real last name. Dancing for tips on a cruise ship. Dancing for tips on the Miami Heat. Dancing for tips on ECW. That’s it pretty much. Not much there really. But hey, if Justin Beiber can write his memoirs at, like, 4 or whatever he is, Layla El can enjoy her life flashing before her eyes, ok? Then Mae rolls her up for the win. That’s Her Move!

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Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger

Jim Ross is out on commentary for this match, because nobody enjoys mat wrestling more than Jim Ross. He also enjoys immediately forgetting who either guy in the ring is, and just settles into calling them both Chris Tian. Sadly, The Legal Eagle is not at ringside with Swagger. He had that rough match with R-Truth earlier tonight, after all. Michael Cole spends the entire match yelling at J.R. about how he can’t just keep coming back and taking Cole’s job. Who does he look like? Conan O’Brien?

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Cole’s all tuckered out from being upset about Ross, so he’s napping at the announce table which is nice. J.R., by the way, has pretty much just ignored that Michael Cole exists calling him, “That guy who isn’t Matt Striker” the whole time. Cole wakes up, says “Slobberknocker” and falls back asleep. Cole wakes up again and starts getting mad at naps. You can’t hate on naps, Michael. Where’s people yelling in this guy’s ear. DON’T HATE ON NAPS! Bryan wins with a kick to the face. The Legal Eagle wouldn’t have let that happen. Ted DiBiase shows up for no reason after the match and hits Dream Street on Bryan. Maryse looks on approvingly. Or as approvingly as Maryse is capable of looking on.

Backstage, Randy Orton and John Cena are playing Pogs.

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Here’s Rowdy Roddy Piper. Give that guy a mic!

Rowdy Roddy Piper: Laaaaaaadies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us for this edition of Piper’s Pit. Despite the fact that I’ve basically called out WWE nine hundred times over the years, got fired for talking about steroids, and am generally all around crazy insane, and I admit that, they’ve asked me to sell the Survivor Series PPV for them. Me. ME! I’m not out here to talk about The Sickness. No no no. I’m here to talk about bananas. As in it’s bananas that John Cena is thinking about giving Wade Barrett the WWE Title. Think of all the people who didn’t win the WWE title in their careers. Me, Max Moon, Shannon Moore, The Cat…umm…I came here to chew gum and eat bananas and I’m all out of gum! And bananas! And these kids today with their rap music and World of Warcraft. What the hell is a “World of Warcraft?” Or a computer?! I do not understand wrestling today. You know what I like? I like chicken tacos. There aren’t enough places that sell chicken tacos. If I could, I would eat chicken tacos, and bananas and wear a skirt every day of my life, but I can’t because WWE keeps calling me up and asking me to talk to the kids, and I talk to the kids and they don’t understand what I’m talking about and I don’t get it because I’m talking straight to these kids and just trying to tell them to do the right things and don’t do steroids and don’t catch The Sickness and I know I said I wouldn’t talk about the sickness but the fact of the matter is-

John Cena: Roddy! Roddy! Hey. I get it. I’ll listen to you. I’ll eat a banana and I won’t just hand the WWE title over to Wade Barrett at Survivor Series.

Piper: Don’t you spit in my face, John Cena.

Cena: Oh. Wow. Sorry. I didn’t mean to.

Piper: I meant that metaphorically. But don’t actually spit in my face either.

Cena: That’s it. You know what? I’m going to referee school so I can learn to referee before Sunday. And if Orton happens to win, and I get fired? Oh well. I’ll be able to find a new job as a referee!

Wade Barrett: That’s the spirit! But seriously, man. After everything I did for you? Letting you be a jerk with no consequences whatsoever? And this is how you repay me? Basically giving the title to Randy Orton?

Cena: I said that I’d call it down the middle!

Barrett: Come on, you and I both know I’m never going to win. I’m going to fall over, and that’s going to be that.

Piper: Wade, I have no idea who you are, but you’re clearly a bigger joke than I am. And I never really even got close to winning a world title.

Barrett: John, I really want to give you a present. You know, I know we haven’t really ever seen eye to eye on a lot of things, but with this being your last official RAW as a member of barring a shocking swerve, I just want to give you this T-Shirt. As sort of a remembrance of us. You’ve officially earned your Guild Tabard.

Cena: This would’ve really meant a lot to me…a month ago. When that part of the storyline was actually taking place.

Barrett: Yeah, well, Skip Sheffield kind of took our entire T-Shirt supply, so we had to have one commissioned for you.

Cena: You know this makes us friends right? And you know what I do to my friends.

Barrett: How are you going to beat me, John? You and what army?

Cena: The Cenarmy! Bam! New catchphrase.

Randy Orton runs out at this point, mostly I think because he’s mad that he doesn’t even have one catchphrase yet.

Randy Orton: Joe Cedar, I am going to kicker you in the skull and bash your Brians or my cash phrase isn’t “Yes. Yes. This is a cash phrase!”

Then Orton kicks Barrett in the balls. Cena tries to intervene, mostly because he already put down $200 for referee school, but he trips over their huddled mass and falls over. Orton wins! Orton goes to punt Cena, but Cena nosells everything and hits Randy with the Attitude Adjustment. Then he hits Barrett with it too. Um…doesn’t that mean he’s fired? I’m not sure I follow the contract laws being used in the case of Cena’s indentured servitude.

Anyway, Cena heads backstage, and Piper goes off in search of some bananas and chicken tacos.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: John Cena is super embarrassed when he realizes that he accidentally paid for and went to Football Referee school. Holding on Randy Orton! Also, Sheamus and John Morrison clash in an epic battle over who hates themselves for being involved with Santino more.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: The Mechanar

November 17, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

Tempest Keep was a fortress held by the followers of the Naaru and floating above what’s now the Netherstorm. I say “was” because the place got completely overrun by blood elves and demons. Ol’ Kael’Thas really wanted each piece of the fortress for a different part of his evil plan to make milktoast or whatever.

The Mechanar is the factory that Kael’Thas is using to manufacture a large amount of mana cells that he will use to try to fire up the Sunwell again. To that end he’s put Pathaleon the Calculator in charge of the building’s production. Nothing more awesome than going around killing fantasy accountants, right? It’s also worth noting that this is the only Tempest Keep instance where Kael’Thas is actually shown to be somewhat competent.

Degree of Difficulty: Hard

Trash is all fairly easy, with the exception of the two key holding demons. They all hit fairly hard, but if you’re careful about it, you can avoid being overwhelmed on pulls. As is one of the signatures of the Burning Crusade expansion, though, careless pulls will result in you getting curb stomped by about 1,100 guys.

The bosses have some really annoying effects that will keep at-level groups on their toes. Mechano-Lord Capacitus will alternate between only being able to be damaged by magic and melee (emphasized especially in heroic). Nethermancer Sepethrea does a ton of fire damage and summons adds. Pathaleon himself isn’t that difficult, really, but before you can fight him you have to fight several waves of adds with no resting time in between.

Special Features:

The Mechanar is the first instance in the game which requires you to have a flying mount to access. This can be avoided by having a warlock summon you up to the instance, of if another party member has the two-man rocket mount. You must kill both Gate Keepers to access the elevator to the second half of the instance. The key to the heroic mode can be purchased at Honored from the Shat’ar rep vendor in Shattrath.

Recommended for Levels: 68-70

The Mechanar is very Burning Crusade, in good ways and bad. It suffers severely from every problem they went through in TBC in terms of mobs ganging up on players, way too much crowd control flying around, and the place being broken for about six months. But it has an awesome aesthetic and it’s actually one of the more fun instances to clear in the expansion.

Nowadays, there’s no reason to go there, though. Rep grinders would be better off doing The Botanica or even better The Arcatraz these days, and achievement hoarders only have to do it once, so there’s no benefit in doing this over any other instance. Too bad, but you can probably skip killing the galaxy’s best accoutant.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 11

November 17, 2010 NFL No comments

1. New York Jets
Last Week: 2
Santonio Holmes actually apologized to Rex Ryan’s brother Rob after the Jets beat the Browns this week. On the other hand, Rex belched in his face and swore at his kids.

2. New England Patriots
Last Week: 5
Good week for the Patriots as they bounced back from a blowout loss against a bad team to handily beat a pretty good team. Now an attempt at consistency.

3. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 6
The best team in the NFC is officially one of the best teams in the NFL. Roddy White should really get injured more often.

4. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 3
The bye week really won’t get them any healthier, but a win against the Vikings would put them out of the division race and give them a step on Chicago.

5. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 9
If the Colts could get any consistency whatsoever out of this team, they’d be really dangerous. As it is, they’re just a mediocre team in a league that’s suddenly really awful.

6. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 14
I don’t even buy the Bears as the sixth best team in the NFL. They’re so prone to imploding and play so awful even in their wins you can’t get excited. Now watch them make a huge Playoff run and win the Super Bowl.

7. New York Giants
Last Week: 6
Well…I mean, *somebody* needed to lose to Dallas. They weren’t going to lose to themselves. Actually, I guess that could happen. But anyway, just a blip on the radar.

8. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 10
Brett Bielema says you guys aren’t nothin’. Seriously though, watch the game and watch Kevin Kolb. You can see his heart slowly shatter. And also get increasingly pissed off that Andy Reid wouldn’t put him in leading by like, 40.

9. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 4
The Ravens gave it everything they had, but it wasn’t quite enough to finish off the Falcons. Maybe they should’ve saved up some more spit.

10. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 8
We’ve secretly replaced the Saint’s regular Reggie Bush with Cam Newton. Let’s see if anybody notices. Well, Cam doesn’t have a broken leg for starters.

11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 9
The Bucs are young and playing crazy. At any time they could collapse, but watching them is kind of like watching a baby learn to run for the first time.

12. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 7
Tough loss to the Patriots, prompting the release of longtime kicker Jeff Reed. Reed responded to the move by dying his hair pink and continuously missing an attempt at kicking a dog.

13. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week 17
There’s no more exciting way to end a game than a David Garrard accidentally completing a pass for a touchdown to win a game.

14. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 15
You know a team must be exciting when your two best offensive players are apparently “That one guy who hasn’t done anything since college” and something called Bruce Gradkowski. Apparently. He never plays.

15. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 12
Always nice to see that Randy Moss hasn’t changed. What’s the over/under on him hosting “The Decision 2″ at the end of the season, and interviewing himself about taking his talents to the UFL?

16. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 13
And so, in the 11th week of the 2010 NFL season, does the slow, inevitable slide back to irrelevance begin for the the Chiefs. It was fun while it lasted.

17. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 21
Old baldy’s a great quarterback who can lead the team to victory. When he’s healthy. Which is what…two games a year?

18. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 17
And lo on the…Oh, I already did that one? Well, maybe if they can keep an offensive line on the field they wouldn’t still be in this position. Even though it’s admittedly better than last year.

19. Houston Texans
Last Week: 18
The ball just didn’t bounce their this week (literally), but you can’t count the Texans out of anything just yet. They can score a ton of points in a hurry. And also give up a ton of points in a bigger hurry.

20. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 24
Now is when all my annoying Chargers fans friends start pointing and yelling, “Hey, you see? They’re fine. WE’RE A SECOND HALF TEAM!”

21. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 19
Nice to see Chad Pennington back on the shelf ten seconds after coming back. That’s right, his shoulder couldn’t hold up for two plays on Sunday. CP-10! Comeback player of the year!

22. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 22
From getting benched, to being signed to a frankly ludicrous $40 million contract that makes literally no sense given McNabb’s play this season, to…getting crushed by his old team. All in all a good week for Donovan, wouldn’t you say?

23. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 20
Shot of the game: Brett Favre’s out there slinging it into the turf while all three of his starting wide receivers are sitting on the bench chatting about how long to milk their various leg injuries.

24. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 28
The Niners are suddenly resurgent behind Troy Smith, who I always felt didn’t really get a fair shake in Baltimore. Meanwhile, Alex Smith dreams of a world where he got drafted by Green Bay and spent four years growing weird facial hair.

25. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 27
Tim Tebow Alert: Tim actually contributed to the offense this week, scoring a couple touchdowns and generally being a good influence on his offensive teammates. Way to go, Tim!

26. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 23
Ok, the past couple weeks have been a blast, Cleveland, but now it’s back to the cellar. And your quarterback is still Colt McCoy.

27. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 24
So hey, about that defense thing. I mean, I’m admittedly not an NFL player or coach, but it seems to me that one of these weeks you might want to start thinking about…you know…playing some.

28. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 32
From the gutter to…The garbage can? I don’t know. The Cowboys definitely took a big step up under interim coach Jason Garrett. But they’re still just spinning their wheels.

29. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 26
At least we have the T.Ocho show to look forward to every week, because there’s nothing worth watching about the Bengals anymore this year.

30. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 31
BILLS WIN! BILLS WIN! CANCEL THE REST OF THEIR SEASON SO THEY CAN RIDE THIS HIGH INTO 2011!! OR LIKELY 2012 BECAUSE OF THE LOCKOUT, YOU KNOW!

31. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 29
I can only imagine (and hope) that Detroit, knowing the pain, just felt they owed it to themselves not to put the Bills through an 0-16 season, and humbly gave up the game. These are true heroes.

32. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 31
Well, there’s still one team in the league worse than Detroit. Still no quarterback. Literally, there’s just just some guy on the roster named Tony who may have played quarterback once in high school but don’t quote him on that, and Ben Roethlisberger’s deposed fluffer Brian St. Pierre.

YouTube Monday: Kanye West Doesn’t Care About Matt Lauer People

November 15, 2010 YouTube No comments

Kanye West sat down for a nice interview with the Today Show’s Matt Lauer. It actually goes pretty well, all things considered, with him talking about his issues with George W. Bush and Taylor Swift.

Then they ran video of him interrupting Swift, which they do for every interview and have for every interview ever, and Kanye flips the hell out and won’t continue the interview. Apparently, Kanye doesn’t watch TV.

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