Last Week: John Cena continued his streak of being the worst referee in wrestling history. Wade Barrett made himself at home…while he was at home. And Sheamus really learned to enjoy Santino’s company.
(80s Credits. Get the F out, you guys! Try to guess which one of these Superstars Missy Hyatte didn’t have sex with!)
(None. She had sex with all of them.)
They really went all out with this old school theme. Old ring, old chyron, old black and white Titantron. Michael Cole has gained 300lbs to look like Gorilla Monsoon and Jerry Lawler finally let his hair go gray and he’s wearing a sequined jumpsuit. So basically, he’s just Jerry Lawler but with gray hair.
Justin Roberts: Ladies and gentlemen, some old guy.
Mean Gene Okerlund: Thanks, Lillian. Man. This reminds me of back in the day, when wrestling was wrestling and real men wore granny panties and wouldn’t talk to the heels because it was taboo. Now you kids and your…music. What ever happened to Max Moon anyway, I could’ve sworn that guy would be a star. If you want to know who else I thought was going to be a star, call Mean Gene’s WWF hotline! I’ll give you last week’s lotto numbers! I’ll tell you about the time I slept with Missy Hyatte! All that and tons more. Kids get your parent’s permission before dialing.
Cowboy Bob Orton: Dialing? Gene, kids these days have their own cellphones now. They don’t need their parent’s permission to do anything anymore. Randy bought a condo in Maui when he was seven! Where he got the money…well…I don’t want to know, to be frank.
Gene: Ok, you be Frank and I’ll be Shirley.
Here’s , fresh off their victory over Professor Putricide in ICC 10.
Wade Barrett: Speaking of Vile Oozes, if it isn’t this old guy and that old guy. Ok. I’m going to be really honest right now. I don’t know who any of these people are tonight. I didn’t start watching wrestling until…um…well…Ok, I still don’t watch wrestling. But it was either this or professional haberdasher, and I have this irrational fear of buttons….
Justin Gabriel: I think it’s…Bob Hoskins and Randy Orton’s grandpa.
The Miz: Guys, I have no idea why I came out here, but I just wanted to hang out with one of my favorite wrestlers of all time. Bob Backlund, it’s truly an honor and pleasure to finally meet you in the flesh.
John Cena: Guys, not to interrupt this segment, but I just had to come out here. It’s not every day you get to see Justin Roberts. Justin Roberts everybody! How about that! Hey, Miz! Let’s have a match so that Justin Roberts can watch us!
Miz: I don’t know, man. I was going to skip the rest of tonight’s show.
Alex Riley: Come on, Miz! Do it for me! Do it for Bob Hoskins! Do it for Bob Backlund!
Miz: For Bob Backlund! Anything!
Cowboy Bob: Should we tell them?
Gene: Nope. They’re not worth our time. We’ll be right back after these messages. Call the hotline, kids!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Mark Henry
Nothing screams old school like these two. I’m not even kidding. Stuck up skinny white guy heel and a fat black guy who’s gimmick is that he’s strong. Just like the 80s. No clue what Dolph is doing out here though. SEXUAL CHOCOLATE THEME! That’s more…90s, but why the hell not. Where’s the Spirit Squad theme? And what ever happened to Mitch? That was the real star of the group. Mark bes fat for a while to remind us how fat he is. Then Dolph finishes him off with a Sleeper. You’re kidding me, right? 80S FINISH! Yes, I am aware that that is, for whatever reason, his actual finisher.
David Hart Smith: We’re just a really awful tag team. I mean, you lose a match, and it is what it is. You know. Whatever, right? But you lose 42 in a row? It’s probably time to call it a day for a while. We’re the Detroit Lions of professional wrestling.
Tyson Kidd: Yeah, it’s not like your dad was a decent wrestler or anything. I mean him and my dad Dynamite Kidd were an awesome tag team. Get better!
Smith: I don’t know how to tell you this but, Dynamite Kid isn’t your dad.
Kidd: I was adopted?!
Smith: Um…how do I put this? No. Your real name is T.J. Wilson, remember?
Kidd: Oh my God! Al Wilson is my dad and Torrie is my sister. It’s like a wrestling dynasty.
Kidd: So why am I in the Hart Dynasty again?
Smith: I ask myself that every day. And also Teddy is a huge asshole.
The Hart Dynasty vs. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater
Natalya either doesn’t care about the Harts anymore, or she’s backstage trying really, really hard to grow a beard. Don’t quote me on this, but I’m almost positive this isn’t for the tag team titles, because the Harts haven’t done anything in forever that would make them get a title shot. Except maybe that they’re the only face tag team. Both teams are pretty even for the first few minutes, but then Kidd kicks Smith in the face and well…nXt wins. Tyson Kidd laughs, because apparently there’s nothing he loves more than losing matches. Well, you’re going to love the rest of your career!
Backstage, Mean Gene Okerlund is standing by with the Ortons.
Mean Gene Okerlund: Mean Gene Okerlund here and I’m standing by with the Ortons. And gentlemen, you may have heard on the Hotline that tonight Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov will be taking on The Usos for a shot at the tag team titles.
Cowboy Bob Orton: What does that have to do with us?
Gene: Nothing. I just thought you might want to know to call the Hotline.
Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and concurrent holster of the UMN Girl’s Chocolatechip! Gene Mean Orton, Cowman Rob Ourtown, I didn’t not call the Hintline, but I do know that Joe Cedar is breast fiends with Wayne Bracelet and I-
R-Truth: Get Crunk!
Gene: R-Truth! What are you doing here?
Truth: I heard there were a bunch of old people up in here tonight, and who likes to get crunk more than old people? Get crunk! Get crunk!
Gene: I…I like to get crunk.
Cowboy Bob: I’ve been known to get crunk once or twice, myself.
Orton: Ruth, you’re best enemas with Joe Cedar. What’s he going to do when he refridgees my match at Surveyors Species?
Truth: Get crunk?
Orton: Even I spa that comering. Oh, well. Let’s us get funk.
Gene: That’s it from down here, folks. If you want to find out what happens when we get crunk call the WWF Hotline!
At the WWF Studios in Stamford….
Mean Gene Okerlund: Hello everyone, and thank you for tuning into Monday Night RAW. Still to come tonight, some matches. But for the latest news about what’s going on in the WWF, don’t forget to call the Hotline. Find out the latest status on Barry Horowitz! And what are we going to do with all these pandas and penguins? We can’t give these things away! Get your parent’s permission before dialing.
The Brooklyn Brawler (w/ Harvey Whippleman) vs. Ezekiel Jackson
I thought the Brawler denounced Brooklyn. That was on that one ECW I watched. Harvey looks rather spritely for a guy who hasn’t done anything in two decades. And yes, I’m counting his reign as Women’s Champion in there. Howard Finkel does the intros for this match, which is honestly the best part. Brawler runs at Zeke, which works about as well as you’d expect. Jackson wins.
David Otunga: The whole arena smells like lotion and old sheets. Old School WWF is the worst idea for a theme week. You know what I just saw? A denture cleaning station set up next to the catering table. Guys, when I’m leader of , I’ll-
Wade Barrett: Pay attention to who else is in the room?
Otunga: Aw…probably not, though.
Barrett: Well, all right then. Hey, David, I want you to wrestle R-Truth tonight. Just beat him up until he stops getting involved in our segments. I can’t help but feel we’re not being taken seriously anymore if one of our main foibles is K-Kwik, you know.
Michael Cole: I received a telegraph from ye olde RAW General Manager! David Otunga won’t wrestle R-Truth, That’s racist. STOP Wade Barrett will wrestle R-Truth. STOP I pity the fool who appears on a wrestling show from the ‘80s in the ‘10s.
Husky Harris: Can I have a new name now? Please?
Barrett: Sure. You can be Fatty Fargas.
Husky: Ok. Ok. Geez.
John Cena: Guys! Guys! I just got my gnome warrior to level 20! He’s so awesome, you have to come check this out. I’m going to be raiding with you guys in no time!
Barrett: John, we’re not raiding anymore right now. Not with Cataclysm dropping in a few weeks. We’re all just standing pat. And then you’ll have five more levels to catch up on, not to mention gear. Or that you probably won’t even be in anymore.
Cena: I hate you guys.
John Cena vs. The Miz (w/ Alex Riley)
Miz is still freaking out about having met Bob Backlund, so….
John Cena vs. Alex Riley (w/ The Miz)
This is the match we really wanted to see, isn’t it? Remember how Cena and Miz had a feud, where it was all just Miz talking for four months, and then Cena put him in the STF and we forgot about everything forever? Well, why the hell are these guys feuding again? Miz distracts Cena and Riley gets in about three offensive moves (two punches and a slightly different punch) and then Cena gets the Attitude Adjustment and the STF for the win. Randy Orton comes out, and is momentarily beset with Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty, before they get roped by Cowboy Bob. Then Orton and Cena start wailing on each other, because apparently the way to Cena’s heart through Orton is his skull. Cena totally deserves it though. Dean Malenko bolts to the ring to separate the two men.
Michael Cole: I just got paged by the RAW General Manager! It says, “Cena…Orton…Piper’s Pit…Tonight…Man of 1000 Holds.”
Iron Sheik: I deserve new opening credit! I love Classic WWF Monday RAW! This is highlight of my wrestling career! AHAHAHAHAHA! SHEIK IS HEELING YOU! This show is terrible! I wipe my butt hole with Classic WWF Monday RAW! What they think this is? TNA?! TNA Hock Ptooie!
Nikolai Volkov: Ok, ok, Sheik. Let’s go.
Sheik: Hogan?! HOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAN?! Let Sheik tell you about Hulk Hogman-
Santino Marella: Ladies and-a gentleman! Please-a give it-a up for-a Sabu! Sabu, thanks-a for coming back-a tonight. You’re-a really big-a part of ‘80s-a WWE History.
Sheik: My mustache has more honor than Vince Kenny Man! This is not Sheik heeling you. This is real deal straight dope from Sheik. I only come back because they promise to buy me year’s supply of mustache wax and curly boots! I spit on WWF! Hock ptooie! And Hulk Hogman-
Nikolai Volkov: This could go on for hours. You don’t understand how embarrassing this is. You know, in the airport the other day he spent five hours yelling at Felicia Day?
Vladamir Kozlov: I know exactly what you’re going through.
Santino: Who wants-a to try my-a new T-shirt-a? It says-a “Hey where-a did you get-a that spaghetti-a?
Volkov: Let’s go back to Russia, eh?
Sheik: SHEIK IS HEELING ON YOU! SHEIK HATES PANDAS! WWF can suckle a teet! My great feeling in whole career was get fired from WWF! Sheik Come out and break your back! You know Sheik! I break your back! HULK HOGAN! You-
Kozlov: So, question…How do you get him to stop?
Volkov: Usually, I just punch him in the balls.
Kozlov: I will definitely keep that in mind.
Santino: Did you-a know that-a I was-a the greatest-a Intercontinental champion-a of all-a the times-a? The Honk-a-Meter was-
Reverend Slick: Hey everybody remember me? Reverend Slick! I’m a Jive Soul Brother. A Jive Soul Broooooothaaaaaaa! Yeah! Ok! I’m going to go back home now!
Then, the Usos come out. Why? I don’t know.
Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov vs. The Usos (w/ Jimmy Snuka and Tamina)
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Tag Team Titles
Oh. Superfly is out there with the Usos because his daughter is Tamina. Hopefully she has a better career than his other kid, Deuce, who is currently sitting in his room cradling a leather jacket and some hair gel and crying. Sounds like weekends at the Hocking household, Deuce. But I’m not sharing my leather jacket. The Usos dominate the offense for a while, even when Vlad is in there. I think he saw Sheik and Volkov and he saw a horrifying vision of his future. In twenty years, when we’re all trying to forget the WWE of the 2010s, these two will be gabbing it up. Santino tags in and dominates on offense and wins. You know what? What the hell. Sure. Sheamus runs out and kicks Vlad with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) but before he can go after Santino, John Morrison materializes in the ring thanks to the power of Classic WWF Stacker 2 Bees. Sheamus freaks out and leaves.
John Morrison: I have no idea why I keep showing up to help these guys.
David Otunga vs. Kofi Johnston
Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait. So you took R-Truth out of this match…to put Kofi in? Well, at least the show is just as racist as it was in the 80s. And this is double racist because no matter what, the loser is going to be black. Damn you, WWE! George The Animal Steel is out now because…he…um? The guys attempt to continue their match while George stumbles around the ring, eating turnbuckles and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Gonna miss you, Jack! Finally George wanders off, pausing just long enough to vomit Doan out in time to make the three count for Kofi. The black guy wins! Yay!
Gerald Brisco: And so Pat says to the guy, “Pull it out real nice and slow. Let me enjoy every second.” So this guy whips this big ol’ slab of meat on the table, and it must’ve been bigger than an elephant’s trunk, you know?
Arn Anderson: Gerry, remind me never to go to the deli with Patterson.
John Morrison: All you old people are creeping me out. Sticking it to the World Wildlife Fund is one thing. Those guys are assholes. But none of you can ever come to the Palace of Wisdom.
Arn: Kid, you’re the bees knees. The way you randomly walk out every week and save those two guys nobody likes. That’s what a real hero does. You’re ok by my book. And also, buy my book. It’s called “101 Arn and Ole Jokes: Wrestlings Greatest Knock Knockouts.”
Briscoe: Now tell the truth, John. You got any more of that ab glitter I can use?
Sheamus saves Morrison from having to answer that with a Bicycle Kick (the Finisher of Champions!) to the face.
Sheamus: Fella, I accept your Survivor Series challenge!
Arn: Son, he didn’t challenge you.
Sheamus: Aw…well…crap. I feel kind of bad about that then.
Aksana: Aksana say she win the Million Dollar Title!
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Hoooooo! Lady, I don’t know what your problem is, but if you’re going to live in ol’ Hacksaw’s country, then you gotta learn American. USA! USA! USA!
Dusty Rhodes: Hafabullo bufplable on a pole with the breakdown, Tony if you wheeeeeeel! Tah the mothaship!
Kelly Kelly Kelly: Finally, years of hard work have finally paid off! I’ve caught myself a Russian bride!
A giant net drops from the ceiling, trapping Aksana.
Aksana: But…I am being from Lithuania!
Kelly: Really? Damn.
Nikolai Volkov: I will being your Russian Bride!
Kelly: Get lost, creepo.
Ted DiBiase: Can I have my Million Dollar Title back now? God. That kid will steal everything that isn’t nailed down. Or at least the Million Dollar belt and Virgil.
Irwin R. Schyster: I just wanted to remind everybody to pay their taxes. Or you’ll be fired!
Kelly grabs the Million Dollar Belt and hands it over to DiBiase.
DiBiase: Great! Thanks. Now I’m going to give it back to my son.
Ted DiBiase Jr.: Um…No.
DiBiase: No?! After all of this trouble, you say Nooooo?
DiBiase Jr.: Have you seen how tacky that thing is? Yech.
Goldust: I guess that’s it for my career revival! Oh, well.
Dashing Cody Rhodes: Ok, guys, who wants to floss my teeth? Anybody? Anybody?
Dusty Rhodes: Hufflemuffin plodiddybloo!
DiBiase: You really are a terrible father, Dusty. You really are.
IRS: Hit the music!
And then they play the American Dream theme while everybody dances. Including a net covered Aksana and Tatanka, who may have been there this whole time. I literally do not know.
Ron Simmons: I’ve come to expect this.
Elsewhere, Eve Torres is the only person who will talk to R-Truth.
Lord Alfred Hayes: I’ve come back from the dead to tell you that promotional consideration paid for by the following.
Definitely NOT Lord Alfred Hayes: Hulk Hogan ehem “Vitamins” ehem. The JVC Kaboom box. And Mr. Freeze Freeze pops. They’re almost as fun to squeeze as they are to eat.
R-Truth (w/ Eve Torres) vs. Wade Barrett
Sadly, none of them are actually paying any promotional considerations for this show. Except maybe the JVC Kaboom box. Did you realize they’re STILL making that damn thing? That was…ridiculous in 1998 when it was just them and those oil filters as WWF sponsors. But twelve years later, they’re still pumping the damn things out. Wade Barrett goes for his move (That’s His Move) but Truth flips out of it. Then Truth turns around right into Wade’s move (Still His Move). Wade Barrett wins! As his prize he doesn’t get embarrassed by R-Truth.
And now…some guy.
Ricardo Rodriguez: And now…some guy!
Tito Santana: Arrriba! I’m getting $200 plus cab fair for this! Ole! And now…some guy!
Chavo Classic: I like to drive a car! Beep beep! And now…some guy!
Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez, Tito Santana, and Chavo Guerrero Sr.) vs. Sergeant Slaughter
I would think that having three guys come out to introduce you would be enough to get you over, but Sarge just thinks that ADR is an “impudent puke with the manners of a wet dog with rabies.” So, he’s got that going for him. Big USA chant for the former Iraqi sympathizer. Where’s Sheik to provide Sarge with some back-up? Never mind. I don’t want to know. Cobra Clutch attempt by Slaughter, but he can’t get his arms past his own gut, much less Del Rio’s neck, so Del Rio kicks Sarge in the face for the win. After the match, Montel Vontavious Porter shows up, but everybody’s already gone by that point, so he just kind of frowns and leaves too.
(80’s Credits…really you guys?)
Mean Gene Okerlund is standing by with Mae Young.
Mean Gene Okerlund: Mean Gene Okerlund here and I’m standing by with Mae Young, and Mae if you call the WWE Hotline right now I will give you the credit card information of a WWE Superstar. That’s right, you can shop on a Superstar’s dime until they figure out what’s going on and have you arrested! Kids, get your parents permission before calling!
Mae Young: Son, I have panties older than you. Look, I’ve wrestled in 9 decades and I’m gonna wrestle in ten. And I’m still working my way into breaking Missy Hyatte’s record!
Okerlund: Thank God I’m already on that list.
The Bella Twins: Us too!
Okerlund: That’s sweet. And disturbing on multiple levels.
Layla El: I guess I just do not understand the appeal of Mae Young. You’re old enough to be Betty White’s grandma. But just like Betty White, just because you’re old and say somewhat dirty things doesn’t make you cool.
Young: Listen here, slut whore, old people do whatever they damn well please! Unless we forget! Then we just do our puzzles and stay out of the way!
Michelle McCool: Omigod! I love zombies. Are you a zombie? Can I kiss you?
Mae Young vs. LayCool
The face Divas pour into the ring to keep Michelle from throwing herself and another zombie, leaving poor Layla terrified in the ring at what’s transpiring. Mae staggers towards her, talons outstretched, ready to tear into Layla El’s supple young flesh. Her life flashes before her eyes. Teased in school because that’s not a real last name. Dancing for tips on a cruise ship. Dancing for tips on the Miami Heat. Dancing for tips on ECW. That’s it pretty much. Not much there really. But hey, if Justin Beiber can write his memoirs at, like, 4 or whatever he is, Layla El can enjoy her life flashing before her eyes, ok? Then Mae rolls her up for the win. That’s Her Move!
Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger
Jim Ross is out on commentary for this match, because nobody enjoys mat wrestling more than Jim Ross. He also enjoys immediately forgetting who either guy in the ring is, and just settles into calling them both Chris Tian. Sadly, The Legal Eagle is not at ringside with Swagger. He had that rough match with R-Truth earlier tonight, after all. Michael Cole spends the entire match yelling at J.R. about how he can’t just keep coming back and taking Cole’s job. Who does he look like? Conan O’Brien?
Cole’s all tuckered out from being upset about Ross, so he’s napping at the announce table which is nice. J.R., by the way, has pretty much just ignored that Michael Cole exists calling him, “That guy who isn’t Matt Striker” the whole time. Cole wakes up, says “Slobberknocker” and falls back asleep. Cole wakes up again and starts getting mad at naps. You can’t hate on naps, Michael. Where’s people yelling in this guy’s ear. DON’T HATE ON NAPS! Bryan wins with a kick to the face. The Legal Eagle wouldn’t have let that happen. Ted DiBiase shows up for no reason after the match and hits Dream Street on Bryan. Maryse looks on approvingly. Or as approvingly as Maryse is capable of looking on.
Backstage, Randy Orton and John Cena are playing Pogs.
Here’s Rowdy Roddy Piper. Give that guy a mic!
Rowdy Roddy Piper: Laaaaaaadies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us for this edition of Piper’s Pit. Despite the fact that I’ve basically called out WWE nine hundred times over the years, got fired for talking about steroids, and am generally all around crazy insane, and I admit that, they’ve asked me to sell the Survivor Series PPV for them. Me. ME! I’m not out here to talk about The Sickness. No no no. I’m here to talk about bananas. As in it’s bananas that John Cena is thinking about giving Wade Barrett the WWE Title. Think of all the people who didn’t win the WWE title in their careers. Me, Max Moon, Shannon Moore, The Cat…umm…I came here to chew gum and eat bananas and I’m all out of gum! And bananas! And these kids today with their rap music and World of Warcraft. What the hell is a “World of Warcraft?” Or a computer?! I do not understand wrestling today. You know what I like? I like chicken tacos. There aren’t enough places that sell chicken tacos. If I could, I would eat chicken tacos, and bananas and wear a skirt every day of my life, but I can’t because WWE keeps calling me up and asking me to talk to the kids, and I talk to the kids and they don’t understand what I’m talking about and I don’t get it because I’m talking straight to these kids and just trying to tell them to do the right things and don’t do steroids and don’t catch The Sickness and I know I said I wouldn’t talk about the sickness but the fact of the matter is-
John Cena: Roddy! Roddy! Hey. I get it. I’ll listen to you. I’ll eat a banana and I won’t just hand the WWE title over to Wade Barrett at Survivor Series.
Piper: Don’t you spit in my face, John Cena.
Cena: Oh. Wow. Sorry. I didn’t mean to.
Piper: I meant that metaphorically. But don’t actually spit in my face either.
Cena: That’s it. You know what? I’m going to referee school so I can learn to referee before Sunday. And if Orton happens to win, and I get fired? Oh well. I’ll be able to find a new job as a referee!
Wade Barrett: That’s the spirit! But seriously, man. After everything I did for you? Letting you be a jerk with no consequences whatsoever? And this is how you repay me? Basically giving the title to Randy Orton?
Cena: I said that I’d call it down the middle!
Barrett: Come on, you and I both know I’m never going to win. I’m going to fall over, and that’s going to be that.
Piper: Wade, I have no idea who you are, but you’re clearly a bigger joke than I am. And I never really even got close to winning a world title.
Barrett: John, I really want to give you a present. You know, I know we haven’t really ever seen eye to eye on a lot of things, but with this being your last official RAW as a member of barring a shocking swerve, I just want to give you this T-Shirt. As sort of a remembrance of us. You’ve officially earned your Guild Tabard.
Cena: This would’ve really meant a lot to me…a month ago. When that part of the storyline was actually taking place.
Barrett: Yeah, well, Skip Sheffield kind of took our entire T-Shirt supply, so we had to have one commissioned for you.
Cena: You know this makes us friends right? And you know what I do to my friends.
Barrett: How are you going to beat me, John? You and what army?
Cena: The Cenarmy! Bam! New catchphrase.
Randy Orton runs out at this point, mostly I think because he’s mad that he doesn’t even have one catchphrase yet.
Randy Orton: Joe Cedar, I am going to kicker you in the skull and bash your Brians or my cash phrase isn’t “Yes. Yes. This is a cash phrase!”
Then Orton kicks Barrett in the balls. Cena tries to intervene, mostly because he already put down $200 for referee school, but he trips over their huddled mass and falls over. Orton wins! Orton goes to punt Cena, but Cena nosells everything and hits Randy with the Attitude Adjustment. Then he hits Barrett with it too. Um…doesn’t that mean he’s fired? I’m not sure I follow the contract laws being used in the case of Cena’s indentured servitude.
Anyway, Cena heads backstage, and Piper goes off in search of some bananas and chicken tacos.
Sunday Sunday Sunday: John Cena is super embarrassed when he realizes that he accidentally paid for and went to Football Referee school. Holding on Randy Orton! Also, Sheamus and John Morrison clash in an epic battle over who hates themselves for being involved with Santino more.