Last Week: Sheamus declared himself KING OF KINGS. You hear that Triple H? Also, John Cena managed to somehow be even more stupid and annoying than usual. And The Miz did something. I’m sure of it. And maybe he’ll do something else…TONIGHT!
Oh God. Three hours of this crap. As if on cue to my annoyance, here’s David Arquette former holster of Courtney Cox and the WCW Championship. And sadly, he was one of the best WCW Champions of his era too. At least he wanted the belt!
David Arquette: Hi, you may remember me as the guy who beat up Eric Bischoff and was in some WCW movie about hillbilly waste disposal men who watch professional wrestling. It was the spiritual forefather of The Wrestler. I also used to be married to Courtney Cox until one day a few months ago she woke up, looked at me and said, “What the hell have I done?” and then she ran out the door. So here’s the Slammy for “Shocker” Moment of the year. And the nominees are, Matt Hardy trying to throw up the shocker but getting winded, Sheamus accidentally going a whole RAW without calling somebody Fella, and Some Guys “hitting” level 85, which I can only assume is a euphemism for “having sex with Mae Young.” And the winner is…Neil Patrick Harris in The Debut of !
Wade Barrett: Neil couldn’t be here tonight, but I’d like to accept this award on his behalf. has had a good run, and if just two of you would’ve bought these yellow t-shirts, we might still be on it. But whatever. What do I know? I’m only the leader of the damn thing. Speaking of which, I haven’t decided what I’m going to do about the whole John Cena thing. He’s probably going to find a way to get himself hired back anyway, so maybe I should just do it and get a cut of her merch sales or something. That’d keep the nXt afloat for a while.
Michael Cole: Wade, I just got a message from RAW General Manager Demon Girl, she says “Shut this guy up, will you?” and then there’s a less than sign and three. I don’t know what that means. But I know just the thing to shut you up.
Wade Barrett vs. The Big Show
The rest of is trying to farm archeology right now. Good luck, you guys, that stuff is teeeeerrible. Only 9,000 more shards to make my “Scandalous Nightie” I’ll get right on that! Michael Cole tries to take credit for David Arquette’s career, which is honestly kind of sad. Then again, I’m pretty sure I’m retroactively responsible for Arli$$. And most of WCW from 2000 on. So I’m really sorry about that. It wasn’t my idea, guys, I swear. Barrett forgets he’s even in this match a few minutes in and wanders off. Big Shwo wins!
Here are our next presenters, Kelly Kelly Kelly and Tyson Kidd. Of course. Because giving these two mic time is the best idea in the world.
Tyson Kidd: This is Jackson Andrews. He’s so low on the totem pole that he agreed to be my bodyguard. Hey Kelly, do you want to get married? Then you can be Kelly Kelly Kelly-Kidd.
Kelly: No thanks. You’re Tyson Kidd for Pete’s sake. And I hate your hair.
Kidd: I’m surprised you…even…know…words.
Kelly: You just ran out of the ability to…cut…promo…me too.
Kelly and Kidd both frown and walk off the stage.
Jackson Andrews: And the Random Product Placement Heel of the Year is…CM Punk!
CM Punk: Thank you everybody! You may remember that earlier this year I was a total creeper towards Rey Misterio’s daughter. Though probably not because that was months ago. And on Smackdown. And then I shaved my head and totally wore a lucha mask. The sad thing is that stuff ACTUALLY HAPPENED. I’m not even joking. It’s really too bad nobody watched Smackdown. Anyway, I’d like to thank Random Sponsor, and I’ll make a random threat to somebody so I have a feud coming out of my injury. Um…WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan…You’re going down.
Kofi Johnston and Daniel Bryan (w/ The Bellas) vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) and Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse)
We’ve got three hours, show. Don’t mess with me like this. So, Bryan gets two girlfriends and Kofi doesn’t get any? What the hell? Share the wealth, Daniel! CM Punk, of course, approves. Though he won’t say who he’s going to be feuding with alongside WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. My money is on Yoshi Tatsu. Always. Any time I put money down on wrestling, it’s always on Yoshi Tatsu. I’ve lost a lot of money on professional wrestling. Kofi gets sick of not having a girlfriend and kicks Dolph in the head for the win.
Santino and Vlad are out to present the award for owner of the year. I own things! Maybe it will be me!
Santino Marella: So I’ve-a hung out-a with basically-a all of-a RAW’s owners. And-a my favorite was-a MacGruber. Mostly-a because even though-a that movie-a did horribly-a, I still-a got to make-a out with Kristen Wiig-a.
Vladamir Kozlov: I hate MacGruber. He was my mortal enemy and I crush him.
Santino: Vlad you remember-a that wrestling-a is fake-a right? And so-a is MacGruber-a?
Kozlov: I WILL CRUSH DOUBLE DOUBLE E!
Santino: And the-a winner is-a…Pee Wee Herman-a!
Here is Pee Wee live satellite.
Pee Wee Herman: I’m back in my PlayHouse, but you best believe that I will work harder than ever to make this Slammy come alive and yell at me and my friends about eating fruit. HaHA! Anyway, owning RAW was one of the lowest points of my career. And think about what that really means. But at least I got something great out of it, right, Lita?
Lita: Help! I’ve been kidnapped and I’m being held in some kind of house of horrors!
Herman: Grab her, Chairy!
Mark Henry: Man, I told you to stop calling me that.
Wade Barrett: Man, isn’t it exciting? We won a Slammy!
David Otunga: Wade, I have to talk to you about something.
Barrett: Oh stuff it about John Cena. I don’t care anymore. I’ll go out there later and just do whatever feels right. And you still won’t kick me out of the nXt.
Otunga: No, I was going to say, all your fretting about the Cena thing that you’re not pulling your weight in the guild achievements. We’re never going to get a Dark Phoenix if you don’t log in once in a while.
Barrett: Oh. Yeah. Ok then.
Mark Henry vs. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes
Henry, of course, asked Jambi to teleport him the hell out of there, and Jambi was more than happy to help somebody escape that hellhole. Unfortunately for Mark, it’s out of the frying pan and into a match with Cody Rhodes. The entire match consists of Rhodes trying to get the one move he knows (a CHINLOCK~!) in, but Henry being so big that he just shrugs Rhodes off. Then Cody gets tired of wrestling, and just knees Henry in the back and Mark collapses. Cody wins!
Here’s Jerry “” Lawler and Vickie Guerrero.
Jerry “” Lawler: It’s time for the next Slammy, the worst joke award goes to me. For basically everything I say on every episode of RAW. I’d like to thank my family for always sticking by me, my friends, Capitol Records, Jesus-
Vickie Guerrero: Jerry, we’re supposed to be out here presenting the Slammy for the Stupidest Moment of the Year.
Lawler: And the award goes to you, for existing. Here’s your trophy. Try not to eat it, it’s not chocolate.
Vickie: Actually, the award goes to John Cena for getting his stupid ass fired even though all he basically had to do was screw Randy Orton over, something he should’ve wanted to do ever since Randy tried to kill Rob’s dad.
Lawler: John Cena couldn’t be here tonight, so we’re accepting this award on his behalf. And we’re going to try to eat it.
Barrett: Give me that. John Cena, I know you’re out there. Come down here and accept your damn reward.
With the grace of Hugh Jackman, John Cena ziplines in from the rafters and lands on his face.
Barrett: John, you’re an idiot. But I can’t fault you for that. You’re out of but you’re back into my heart. While you’re sitting there writhing in pain, I just anted to give you the good news. Firstly, we’re having a match at TLC, a musical chairs match so we can work out all our aggressions. Through musical chairs. Also, you’re getting a chance to really give David Otunga the what for in a match tonight.
David Otunga: I didn’t agree to that.
Barrett: Yeah, well…shut up.
Then Barrett lightly taps Cena in the face with a chair.
Well, well, well…Look who’s back….
David Arquette: I’m dressed as Elvis to bring you an important message about car insurance. I’m just foolin’. I’m dressed as Elvis because of none of you’re damn business why I’m dressed as Elvis. Ok? Leave me alone. I’m a former WCW Champion. I deserve better than this. Anyway, I’m not even going to name off nominees for “Fan of the Year.” Here’s that Demon Girl.
RAW General Manager Demon Girl: You insignificant mortals! You are lucky that you are not already all my slaves! Elbirroh si war. Eid lliw zim eht! Now give me that trophy before I burn a hole through your miserable sexless skull with my laser eyes, peasant.
Arquette: This is why I didn’t want kids.
The Miz: Ah ah ah. Not so fast, Demon Girl. I know you and I have had our differences, but that’s not how a kid is supposed to treat an adult. What do you say if you want the statue from the nice man?
Demon Girl: Whelp! You’ll rue the day you ever crossed me you wretched excuse for a cave of flesh! If this show weren’t rated PG, I’d have sucked your soul from your disemboweled corpse.
Miz: Nooooo, that’s not it.
Demon Girl: PLEASE!
Miz: Say it like you mean it!
Demon Girl: Please.
Miz: No. But at least you learned a valuable lesson here today.
Demon Girl: Niarb a rof esucxe citehtap rouy ni sevac oiretsim yer epoh I!
The Miz (w/ Alex Riley and David Arquette) vs. Rey Misterio
That was pretty ballsy and stupid of Miz to blatantly steal from his boss there, especially when she already hates him with the passion of a million suns. But she was kind of asking for it. Remember kids, a little manners goes a long way. Alberto Del Rio comes out, but is exhausted by the time he gets to the entrance ramp, so he just kind of stops there. Walking is hard work! Nobody even notices until Alex Riley screams, “Is that Alberto Del Rio?!” at the top of his lungs, startling Rey, who gets rolled up. Miz wins!
Here’s Edge who looks kind of depressed, actually.
Edge: I’m out here to talk about Paul Bearer or something. Can I just put him in oatmeal again instead of dragging him around all over the place? Anyway, I’m here to present the Slim Jim presents the Oh Snap of the Year Slammy Award Presented by Slim Jim Which Reminds You to Snap into a Slim Jim and Unleash Your Spicy Side. I have no idea who my co-presenter is.
Chris Tian: It’s me. Your estranged younger brother.
Edge: Remember when we used to have chemistry and witty banter?
Edge: And the winner of the Slim Jim presents the Oh Snap of the Year Slammy Award Presented by Slim Jim Which Reminds You to Snap into a Slim Jim and Unleash Your Spicy Side is me. For suplexing that computer that one time. It turns out it really didn’t accomplish anything but derail my career there for a few months.
Tian: I’m getting a text from the RAW General Manager. No. Wait. It’s just Grandma. Hi Grandma!
Edge: Hi Grandma.
King Sheamus vs. John Morrison
Oh man! This feud is awesome. I can’t wait to see who’s going to win this most epic contest in the history of our epic sport. Wait, the match never started because whoever the hell WWE RAW Referee This Guy is never called for the bell. Do your job, stupid. RAW GM Demon Girl tries to come out and smooth things over, but Sheamus just calls her “Fella” so she books a…Money in the Bank match? If only they had a PPV for that! Oh, wait…It’s just good for the Rumble. Well, there goes my dream of main eventing the Rumble for my 30th birthday!
Here’s the “Knuckleheads” Moment of the Year Slammy, brought to you by the Knuckleheads Comedy Club in Bloomington, MN.
JTG: Yeah, I know. I can’t believe I still work here either!
William Regal: I’m shocked that neither of us have been fired, sunshine. In fact, I’m kind of afraid to open this envelope. It’s probably a pink slip.
JTG: Money! Money! Yeah! Yeah!
Regal: And the Slammy goes to….
JTG: LayCool beating Mae Young! Which didn’t even happen!
Michelle McCool: Omigosh, there are so many people I’d like to thank-
Layla El: Just thank your husband and get on with it.
McCool: Thanks, baby! I hope you’re rerereundead again soon!
JTG: Nice to see you guys again! Probably for the last time!
Regal: Yes. Thanks for this, WWE.
Layla El vs. Michelle McCool vs. Melina vs. Gail Kim vs. Rosa Mendes vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse vs. Tamina vs. Kaitlyn vs. Alicia Fox vs. Nikki Bella vs. Brie Bella vs. Natalya
In a Battle Royal for the Diva of the Year of this Match Slammy
Man…really? Remember when they used to just give this to Trish or Stacey based on who they would sell the most copies of the Divas magazine this year? Now it’s just a random match. It’s just like….if they gave an Oscar for best trailer shown during the ceremony. Which they should do. And I hope Kaitlin wins. But my money? Is on Yoshi Tatsu. He’s in this match, right? I guess I should just be glad, because if this was TNA this would be for the girl’s title. Basically everybody’s eliminated in two seconds of hot action, and then Michelle pokes Natalya out for the win. Somewhere, Undertaker is still dead. Oh, and the Natalya and Beth are taking on LayCool in a tables match. Someone is literally going to get hurt.
Backstage, Edge is snapping into a Slim Jim.
Edge vs. Jack Swagger
Wade Barrett is busy tonight, so he can’t be performing his role as the Legal Eagle. Which is too bad, because that’s really the only reason to watch a Jack Swagger match. Where’s Chris Tian? He and Edge need to work on their repartee if they’re going to be hosting awards shows together again. What does any of this stuff have to do with RAW? We’re going to forget that these people exist in ten minutes, so what am I even bothering to write any more about them for? Edge wins it with the Spear.
Alex Riley: Do we really want to draw the inevitable Miz/David Arquette as champion comparisons right out in the open this early?
The Miz: Yeah. Let’s just confront them head on. You be Kanyon.
David Arquette: Besides, Miz is nothing like me. I was a moderately successful film actor who married way outside my means, and I won the WCW title in my first match. You were on…MTV after everybody stopped caring about the Real World. And then you kicked around for a couple years doing not much until you lucked into a WWE title. We’re nothing alike at all.
Miz: I hate you.
Riley: Now you know how I feel. Every day.
Well…It’s the Big Show.
Big Show: So…I hope you’re appreciating all these Smackdown people, because for most of you this is the last time you’ll see us until the next time we’re on RAW. Anyway, I’m here to present the Slammy for moment of the year. Sadly the winner is not Yoshi Tatsu winning the WWE Pre-Show Battle Royal at Wrestlemania or us all laughing at TNA for handing everything over to Hulk Hogan. So…here’s Shawn Michaels for some reason.
At an undisclosed location….
Shawn Michaels: Look, I can’t tell anybody but this cameraman where I am. Hunter set me up with this sweet job so I wouldn’t have to break myself anymore. And I can work kid’s parties on weekends. Only $10,000! And…hold on a second. Welcome to Wendy’s can I take your order? No, you can’t get a McRib. Yeah yeah, look over the menu. No, I can’t talk right now. I’m accepting a Slammy. That’s not a euphemism for anything. Listen, WWE Universe, I’ve got to go. Please take me back. I can’t take this anymore. I mean I never realized how much work kids are. And Whyspyr is always riding me and…I’ll do anything. I’ll join ! I’ll job to Miz! Please take me back! Please?
Randy Orton vs. Alex Riley and David Arquette (w/ The Miz)
In a Handicap Match
The match mostly consists of Orton beating the crap out of Riley while Arquette looks like he needs a girlfriend on the outside. Then Riley tags David in and he’s a house afire. Just kidding, he gets body slammed and tags back out. Come on, Randy, that’s a former World Champion there, you’ve got to give him some offense. Riley trips over Arquette’s tears and falls over. Orton wins! Miz hits the ring and Orton, but Arquette wants to get involved a little too much, and he gets tossed through a table by Orton. While David Arquette slowly dies in the ring, the camera focuses in on Miz, who I think is about to sneeze.
Michael Cole: I’m here to give out the “Line of the Year” Slammy. And the winner is me. For the time I said “And he crushes the leg of Randy Orton.” I’d like to thank myself for both inventing and deciding the winner of this Slammy.
And here’s the last Slammy!
Teddy Long: Holla Holla, Playa! Last night at the Scientific and Technical Slammys nobody won any awards. The Superstar of the Year is John Cena. What a shock. Buhleedat.
John Cena: I’m glad that I won the Slammy here in New Orleans. Now I can go out there and get crunk and give it to some girl so she takes her top off. Oh, right, this is supposed to be PG. She…um…still has her bra on. It’s been so hard being fired from WWE. I mean, before all I had to look forward to was being here on RAW, and after literally weeks of still being here on RAW…I’m back here on RAW! WOO!
John Cena vs. David Otunga (w/ )
Otunga does not look too excited to see that Barrett is out there tonight. Whatever happened to Darren Young anyway? I know it’s probably too much to ask for Cena to have come out in tan face, but it still would’ve been hilarious. I wonder if he can still grow his hair out that long. Cena immediately locks in the STF for the win. Well…We must be pretty much out of time. Well played, WWE. Cena whacks the prone Otunga with a chair a million times like a huge jerk, and Wade Barrett just kind of watches with vague disinterest.
Sunday Sunday Sunday: The Miz hands the Spinnin’ Title to David Arquette. Shawn Michaels finally gets a break to eat his cold, leftover fries. And John Cena hits Wade Barrett with a chair, but it doesn’t have anything to do with their match.