Archive for December 2010

Back to the Future: It’s About Time Review

December 30, 2010 Video Games No comments

I should probably start out by saying that while I love Back to the Future in pretty much all of its iterations, the fact is that the movie series has never really been ingrained into me. I can’t help but feel affection for Marty McFly and Emmett Brown though, so I was very interested to see what TellTale had up its sleeve for the game.

It’s been 25 years, but time doesn’t have much meaning in the BttF universe, so we go all the way back to 1986, where it’s only been three months since the end of the third film and Doc Brown is still off traveling the time stream with his family in a tricked out train, so Marty’s left all alone to find things to do. The story plays out very naturally. Telltale did a wonderful job getting you quickly reacquainted with a story that started almost 30 years ago, and it feels like a natural extension.

There are a few gripes, though somewhat minor. Telltale’s wonky PC controls still feel horribly jerky and unnatural as opposed to mouse click movement. There’s no lip syncing, the characters just move their mouths until the dialog stops which is jarring. Also, they whiffed on an easy joke from the series, in that you can meet a young Doc Brown in the game, even though in the films the joke is kind of that Doc is the same age at every point in the stream.

The biggest problem I had, and it’s not a game breaker at all, is with the hint system. At times the game seems like Baby’s First Adventure Game. I don’t mind hints at all, but turning them on fills a quarter of the screen with explicit directions on exactly what to do (sometimes disguised as hints, as in “Have you tried giving ___ to ___?”). It’s not even necessarily the handholdy nature of it that bothers me so much as how obtrusive it makes itself.

Have we gotten so far removed from a game like Broken Sword that we can’t emulate it’s excellent hint system. All you did was click on an icon in the menu and it would give you increasingly less vague hints until it basically solved the puzzle for you. It was unobtrusive, didn’t solve every puzzle for you, and was usually very well written.

Extra Features:

No special features to speak of as of yet.

Technical:

It seems as though it’s been a smooth launch for BttF, I haven’t run into any issues in a playthrough and a half.

Graphics:

The characters all look fine, though they have that cartoony gloss that sometimes infects Telltale’s human characters. Backgrounds are varied and interesting, and the movie set pieces hold up excellent to the films. Sometimes the animations don’t quite sync up to the sound.

Sound:

Dialog is fantasticly delivered. Christopher Lloyd slips into Doc Brown like an old glove, and the actor they brought in to play Marty McFly sounds stunningly like Michael J. Fox. You really just have to experience it, it’s that good. The other voice actors are competent, just as you’d expect from Telltale.

The music is good, though the same tracks sort of just ingrain into the background over and over after a while. It’s not a bad thing, though, that the music just plays a set piece in the game. Huey Lewis makes a brief, albeit groan-worthy, cameo.

Replay Value:

There are a few dialog “choices” to make throughout the game that offer slightly different lines, if going back and seeing those is your cup of tea.

Final Score: 9/10

Somebody at Telltale is clearly a big Back to the Future fan, and it shows. The movie’s universe is lovingly recreated here, and the resulting experience is enough to make even moderate fans of the series like me nostalgic for the halcyon days of the DeLorian.

Nostalgia isn’t enough to recommend the game on, however, but thankfully, It’s About Time is an excellent little game with some fun puzzles. I think it’s a better introduction to the Adventure Game experience than Strong Bad or Wallace and Grommit were, even without the handholding. Be warned, however, that the episode is extremely short. Only a few hours. Buy the whole series and think of this as sort of an appetizer.

If you’re interested in taking a look at the game, you can download a copy of the PC Demo at the TellTale Website.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 16 (Abridged)

December 30, 2010 NFL No comments

1. New England Patriots
Last Week: 1

2. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 3

3. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 4

4. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 2

5. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 6

6. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 8

7. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 9

8. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 13

9. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 5

10. New York Jets
Last Week: 7

11. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 11

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 12

13. New York Giants
Last Week: 10

14. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 12

15. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week 14

16. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 18

17. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 19

18. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 17

19. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 16

20. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 24

21. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 20

22. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 26

23. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 27

24. Houston Texans
Last Week: 22

25. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 21

26. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 29

27. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 30

28. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 31

29. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 23

30. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 25

31. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 29

32. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 32

YouTube Monday: Like Peanut Butter and Relish

December 27, 2010 YouTube No comments

Some things are not meant to go together. Like Chat Roulette and Star Trek.

Chat Roulette is the extraordinarily horrible internet video chatting program. Star Trek is the affable but extremely nerdy television series.

What happens when you put the two together? Nothing good. Watch as a group of Trek cosplayers attempts to use two moderately attractive women to seduce chatters into LARPing a Star Trek game with them, and getting shut down every single time.

(I’m about 85% sure this is fake, but conceptually it’s so true that it’s funny)

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for December 19th – 25th, 2010

December 27, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Enough with the Snow Already. While the East Coast bitches about the 12 inches they got this week, the Midwest is sitting on 30+. And no, we aren’t any more “used” to this much snow as anybody else. Especially not since we’re apparently due another foot later his week.

2. Comedy News Is Serious Business. Ok, even though Jon Stewart can barely be defined as “comedy news” anymore with how seriously he takes himself, it’s hard to believe that he can get a bill passed in Congress. But sure enough, it was a Stewart rant on The Daily Show that seems to have the 9/11 First Responders Bill rolling through the House and Senate as we speak.

3. Computers of the Future Are Going to Be Gross. Chinese researchers this week were able to store 90GB of data in 1 gram of…e coli. What prompted them to do something that gross is beyond me. It’s a cool science, but if you give me a tub of bacteria and tell me to download into that, I’m going to throw you out of my house.

4. Google Has to Much Time/Money on Their Hands. Google switched on an Android phone from Space this week, just to prove that it still works. The phone, which apparently has a range of 60,000 feet, was then used to send Bret Favre sexts to lucky young women throughout the cosmos.

5. Merry Christmas! Not all of you celebrate Christmas, I know, but “Happy Holidays” always sounds so disingenuous. So substitute your favorite holiday in there if you’d like. But here’s hoping you had a great week and that everybody’s safe.

RAW Satire for 12/20/10

December 24, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Night: The Miz retained the WWE Spinnin’ Title by breaking all the tables in the entire arena, causing Randy Orton to forfeit. Also, John Cena beat Wade Barrett causing so many eyes to roll into the backs of heads that hospital emergency rooms are booked for two weeks solid. And also…something about the Divas. I don’t know. Maybe we’ll find out what…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s The Miz.

The Miz: Yes, I beat Randy Orton clean at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE NXT Presents WWE Tables, Ladders, Chairs, and if We Get Around to It, Possibly a Ring. What of it? I technically even beat him twice because he also forfeited when he learned that he’d have to eat his pear salad sandwich on the ground because John Cena stole all the chairs. So, I have something to be proud of, I guess.

Alex Riley: Boooo! Boooooooo!

Miz: Alex Marley!

Riley: Dude, it’s Riley. Alex. Riley. How many times-

Miz: It’s from A Christmas Carol, you idiot. Jacob Marley was the first ghost?

Riley: Oh. I thought I was the ghost of Christmas Past?

Miz: No, the Ghost of Christmas Past is the horrifying visage of Jerry “” Lawler. Or it would’ve been if I hadn’t already beaten him into submission. I guess I won’t be able to learn anything from my past after all.

Riley: Ok, where’s our magic time traveling telephone booth?

Miz: What the hell are you talking about?

Riley: Oh. Never mind. I guess I just thought you based this off of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Michael Cole: Hey. I’m the Ghost of Christmas Present. So…here it is. I made it myself. Merry Christmas, Scrooge McDuck.

Miz: A…orange belt cozy. How did you know?

Cole: I actually started sewing it for Taz, like, six years ago. But then he never won any titles.

RAW General Manager Demon Girl: I am the Ghost of Christmas Future! Submit your soul to me or face eternal torment on RAW!

Miz: What are you going to do to me? I already have to hang out with these two all day.

Riley: HEY!

Cole: No, no, Alex. That’s a fair point.

Demon Girl: Nosirrom Nhoj ot boj uoy ekam lliw I!!

As if on cue, here’s John Morrison, fresh off beating Sheamus like red headed step-fella.

John Morrison: Yes, the only thing that can make this segment any more of an embarassment as the realization that I did indeed win the right to face Miz at the Royal Rumble for the WWE Spinnin’ Title, joining such luminaries as Bob Holly, Mark Henry, and Totally Not Jamal as people you have to suffer through before the Rumble match. I mean, I guess we did have the whole Miz and Morrison thing, right? Remember the Dirt Sheet?

The Miz: Of course I do. I loved the Palace of Wisdom. It’s just too bad you’re so the Marty.

Morrison: Yeah, well, if I’m the Marty that makes you Jerry Sags!

We’ll never learn how he was going to tie that together, because Sheamus pelts him with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) right then. Jerry Lawler, sensing that he’s going to be completely worthless on commentary tonight, decides to punch Riley in the back of the head instead. And sure enough the Demon Girl orders a tag match between these five plus Orton (minus Cole) in the main event. Or that’s what I think she said at least. My ancient Sanskrit is a little out of practice. Miz is so shocked by the fact that the main event wasn’t booked in advance of the show that he falls over. Orton wins! Non-title though.

(ads)

Melina vs. Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torres
In a Number One Contenders Match for the WWE Undefined Divas Title

All three of these ladies would be…um…great(?) representatives in a Divas title match. I’m sure all of them are…proud…to be…on…television. Right now. It’s really Alicia’s title though isn’t it? She named it, after all. No word yet on how CM Punk is taking the news that his favorite band Paramore is breaking up. More on that story as it develops, I guess. The ladies stand around for a while until Melina properly executes the first and only move of the match (a roll-up) for the win. After the match, Natalya comes out so that Melina can turn heel, and so she does. So much for that big reunion with Morrison, bitch.

Backstage.

The Bella Twins: I have a better connection with Daniel Bryan. No, I do. That’s it, I’m calling mother. She’ll resolve this. You stupid twit, you don’t even have mom’s phone number on your phone. I do so, you’re the uncaring jerk in this family. Never calling your mother. Whoops, I guess I don’t. Sorry about that.

Daniel Bryan: I’M MAN ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF THEM!

Yeah, you’re a month too late for that party, Danny.

(ads)

William Regal vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ the Bella Twins)

I never understood, in a world where you can walk into Barnes and Noble right now and the “Teen Paranormal Romance” section is bigger than the “Fiction” section by five times that William Regal never gets more screen time. He’s just as vampiric and dreamy as Edward or Hermoine or whoever. Count Chocula? Everybody’s still pretty non-plussed about Bryan’s chances of scoring with one Bella, much less both of them. Wait until they get a glimpse of his neck beard! Bryan and Regal roll around for a while in the most Indy-Tastic match on RAW since the time they accidentally ran twenty minutes of an old Ring of Honor show from 2006. Then about ten seconds in, Bryan locks in the Labell Lock for the win. Hope you were satisfied, folks! The Bellas try to triple kiss with Bryan, but he’s not sure he’s down with implied incest quite yet, so he decides to go bake a pan of shortbread cookies instead.

(ads)

Backstage….

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the OWN Girl’s Chocolatechip. Jim Mortinson, I am happy that you woned or possibly lost your match or matches.

John Morrison: Thanks? I think…?

Orton: Don’t faller over.

Elsewhere…

Santino Marella: Tamina-a! Will you-a please stand-a on my back-a in a somewhat-a but not-a entirely-a sexually provocative-a manner?

Tamina: You know what? Sure.

So she stands on Santino’s back.

Maryse: What are you doing up there?

Tamina: I’m not really sure. You want to come up here?

Maryse: Absolutely.

Ted DiBiase: Maryse! There you are! What’s going on? Standing on guys? That’s cool.

Maryse: Yeah. Come on up.

Vladamir Kozlov: Santino? Where…Oh man. Nobody told me today was a Stand on Santino party! I’m coming up there.

Santino: This was-a not as sexually-a provactive as I-a thought it would-a be.

Even Elsewherer….

Mark Henry: Baby, you want to stand on my back?

Gail Kim: No. Gross. What is with you guys today? You know, I was just thinking, I haven’t seen a single member of all day.

Henry: I don’t even remember who that is.

Dolph Ziggler: Hi. Hi there. We’re not on this show, can anybody point me to the ring?

Vickie Guerrero: Dolph, you’re an idiot.

(ads)

Santino Marella and Tamina vs. Ted DiBiase and Maryse

Santino looks a little rough here, but I suppose that’s what you get for having a billion people standing on your back. Santino threatens the Cobra to start, and DiBiase gets confused and locks in a CHINLOCK~! The Lemony represent! Maryse gets into the ring mostly because she’s pretty sure that she can beat Santino, but he has to tag out. What ever happened to Kozlov? And wasn’t Dolph Ziggler on his way out here? He did get lost! Dammit, Vickie. He tried to tell you RAW And Smackdown were different! Tamina with a splash on Maryse for the win. Tamina picks up Santino and leaves.

Backstage, John Cena is trying to make out with Tough Enough Jessie, but she won’t stop crying.

(ads)

APPLEDOUGH~!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO YO! YO! YO!

You want to hate Cena,
I’m bigger than Texas,
You can’t see me!
I took out !

Started playing Warcraft,
Azeroth is my second home,
You don’t know anything,
Till you’re rollin’ with a gnome.

Last night was TLC,
I dropped all of the chairs,
Concussing Wade Barrett,
Without any cares!

Those guys were a bunch of turds,
Go get me a beer,
I’m going to start drinking,
Because THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Vickie Guerrero: I-

Crowd: BOO!

Vickie: Want-

Crowd: BOO!

Vickie: Never mind.

Dolph Ziggler: You know what? I’m more excited about the fact that I found the ring during the show than I am that I retained the Intercontinental title last night. I was pretty sure I’d come out here and there’d just be a janitor or something.

Jerry “” Lawler: Your girlfriend is so fat.

Dolph: How fat is she?

Vickie: Dolph!

Crowd: Boo!

Lawler: Your girlfriend is so fat that Awesome Kong thinks she should lose weight.

Dolph: Oh snap! Oh no he didn’t!

Cena: Your girlfriend is so fat when she goes to a restaurant, she has to get an estimate!

Dolph: Ok, that’s too much.

Lawler: Yeah, come on, John.

Vickie: You took it too far, Cena.

Crowd: Yeah, she’s right.

Michael Cole: E-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl! It says, “Dammit, Cena, that’s low class.”

(ads)

John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)

The crowd has learned to hate Vickie and Cena again, so order has been restored. Ziggy’s takes control in the opening seconds of the match, but is quickly thrown away like the Intercontinental Champion he is. Dolph does get control again a few minutes later, so I guess this is going to be a longer match than normal. Which is odd, because, once again, this is John Cena versus Dolph Ziggler. Even CM Punk would think that was odd, if he wasn’t writing nasty e-mails to Josh Farro.

(ads)

The crowd, tired of this match already, has just taken to paying attention to everything Vickie does at ringside, and just booing her whenever she tries to get them to pay attention to the match. That’s my kind of wrestling crowd. Dolph goes for the Sleeper, which I still can’t believe is being used as an effective move in the 2010s. Ziggy tries his move (That’s His Move!) but it’s never enough to finish Cena. So Cena grabs him in an Attitude Adjuster for the win. Suddenly Punk is off commentary and on Cena with chairshots. Haha! In your face, jerk.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with CM Punk.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with CM Punk, and Punk, I have to ask you, what the heck was that all about?

CM Punk: Damn you, Josh Farro! WHY?! Paramore was such a good band! My favorite band! And you had to muck it up because you were tired of being on the B-Team. Well guess what, Josh, you’ll ALWAYS be on the B-Team. Enjoy sucking for the rest of your life you stupid prick. And Zac, your new band sounds like beached whales dying.

Mathews: Ooook? What the hell are you talking about?

Punk: And everything I said about Josh Farro also applies to you, Josh!

And then Punk runs off in tears wearing a Team Hayley T-shirt. Elsewhere….

King Sheamus: I suppose you think I’m gonna call you Fella, but from one king to…whatever you are these days, I just want you to know that I’m still feuding with Triple H.

Jerry “” Lawler: Sheamus, I may be old and creepy, and I may have lost my crown to King Booker, but at least I’ve never lost twice to John Morrison.

Sheamus: Fella!

That’s his move! St. Elsewhere….

Vickie Guerrero: I don’t understand the dynamics of our relationship.

Dolph Ziggler: You’re an older lady who’s going through a crisis, who wants to get with a fit younger guy who will make her feel like she’s still got some years left before she’s got to shut down completely. I’m a younger guy who’s looking for a mother figure who will provide for me because I don’t fell totally confident in providing for myself.

Vickie: Yeah, but you’re really lame though.

Dolph: Do you want to date Spirit Squad Mitch? I know Spirit Squad Mitch. I can have him here in an hour.

Vickie: No…I guess not.

Dolph: Great. Now, where the hell are we? RAW’s backstage area is so confusing.

(ads)

King Sheamus, Alex Riley and The Miz vs. Jerry “” Lawler, John Morrison, and Randy Orton

WWE Diva Josh Mathews is handling the color commentary now, as Lawler is currently wrestling a match, and CM Punk is sitting in his car and crying. Lawler with a dropkick, which will probably wipe him out for the rest of the match. How fantastic would it be if Miz somehow accidentally lost the belt to Morrison at the Rumble. John Morrison going into Wrestlemania as the Spinnin’ Champion would be the most amazing Wrestlemania in history. This whole year would be worthwhile.

(ads)

Sheamus and Riley trade turns beating up Lawler coming out of the break. Well, that’s not nice. Morrison gets in the match and misses his move (That’s His Move) but Sheamus breaks it up. It finally breaks down after a few minutes, and Alex Riley falls over, but he’s not the legal man so Orton doesn’t win. Lawler tags in for no reason in particular, and then Miz falls over too, and he is the legal man so Orton wins! Well…Lawler wins, but whatever. Thanks for coming out tonight, John Morrison. Is he even still in this feud?

Next Week: Let’s take a week off, shall we? I’m sure you can figure things out for yourselves. Happy Holidays!

World of Warcraft: Mount Hyjal

December 24, 2010 World of Warcraft No comments

Places of Interest

Nordrassil
Darkwhisper Gorge
Firelands
Grove of Aessina
Shrine of Avina
Shrine of Goldrin
Sulfuron Spire

Hyjal is one of the two starting zones for Cataclysm, and is the “lore heavy” one. There are fewer cutscenes, less phasing, and less new gameplay elements in Hyjal than any other zone in the 80-85 range, but people have been waiting since Vanilla to play through the previously blocked off Hyjal because it’s such a key part of the lore history in Warcraft.

Hyjal doesn’t disappoint. The zone takes you through the story of the Guardians of Hyjal led by Malfurion Stormrage and Hamuul Runetotem as they try to muster forces to stop the Lord of Fire Ragnaros as he attempts to burn down the World Tree, which is apparently just fine. You’re aided in this task by the green dragon queen Ysera, though she mostly just pops up to say, “Oh, you’re still out here?” every few quests.

The quests are all varied and interesting, and if you’re a lore buff you’ll definately get a treat from all the cameos by characters from the extended universe. Unless you hate Richard Knaak, that is. The game actually does a really good job of making you feel on par with these major characters, which is something Blizzard wasn’t really good at until Wrath of the Lich King.

Hyjal does introduce a few new gameplay mechanics in a somewhat more limited fashion, most notably the “semi-instanced” portions. There are a few encounters where you quest in an entirely seperate “mini-dungeon.” Easily the best one is a big final boss fight at the end of the Hyjal chain that whoever is on the quest can solo, but anybody there can participate in. It’s actually a lot of fun and an example of how much Blizzard has learned in the past two years about ramping up quest design and challenge, but keeping it appropriate for everyone from soloers to full-on raiders.

Mining: Obsidium. It’s sort of all over the place, but nodes in Hyjal aren’t as accessable or plentiful as it is in say, Vashjir. It’s also worth noting that if you see a node on your mini-map but can’t physically see it, it’s probably in another phase of this map and you’ll have to progress questing before you can access it. Obsidium, by the way, is two ores per one bar, which is one thing Blizzard got wrong here. It was annoying when they did it with Fel Iron, and it’s annoying now.

Herbalism: Azshara’s Velt, Stormvine, Cinderbloom. Herb farming is not as good as you’d think in the forests of Hyjal (I found it better in Vashjir, myself), but there’s certainly enough to make some cash or levels on, and they grow in a nice circular pattern around the zone.

Cloth: Cindercloth. You won’t walk away with as much Cindercloth as you did Frostweave or Netherweave in the old days. The drops around Hyjal seem especially stingy for anything but single usage, either Tailoring or First Aid.

Leather: Savage Leather. The usual. There’s plenty of stuff to skin. You’ll be dealing in scraps at first, of course, but you won’t run out of things to skin very quickly, and it’s a nice early source of income if need be.

If you’re only going to do one zone, it’s an interesting choice. In Wrath of the Lich King, Howling Fjords and Borean Tundra were roughly equal zones, with the Fjords more built on Alliance questing and Horde in the Tundra. But in Cataclysm it’s a little different.

Fans of the lore and history of Warcraft will love the quests and how they weave together as you progress through the zone. However, if you’re just trying to power through or don’t really care about Avina and Lo’Gosh, you’ll find the pacing of the zone and quests is a little plodding. Every lore character gets a chance to take the spotlight, and you’ll go nuts waiting for the XP to start rolling in.

Hyjal is highly recommended for fans of the series and for newer players benefiting from the accelerated lower level XP, because it’s a nice way to ease into high end content and even teaches you some basic raid tactics along the way. People looking for the “cooler” zone with bigger XP gains and slightly better loot would be advised to hit Vashjir for a more streamlined leveling experience.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 16

December 22, 2010 NFL No comments

1. New England Patriots
Last Week: 1
They barely beat the Pack,
But who loses to Flynn?
Still kind of sad,
Best returner is a lineman.

2. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 2
Another boring victory,
Matt Ryan barely tried,
They still made the Playoffs,
Now they’re playing for a bye.

3. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 9
Make no mistake,
The Bears sill aren’t good,
But sometimes doing decent,
Does better than it should.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 4
Another game for the Steelers,
Without doing a whole lot,
They lost to the Jets,
And clinched a playoff spot.

5. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 6
The Miracle at the Meadowlands,
A million touchdowns in minutes,
Vick goes crazy for a quarter,
And that’s enough to win it.

6. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 7
Ray Rice bowls ahead,
The Ravens slowly move,
Hoping it’s like last year,
When the Playoffs found their groove.

7. New York Jets
Last Week: 8
Gutty performance this week,
Beating the Steelers was nice,
Sanchez is a little sore,
Rex swallowed a bag of rice.

8. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 3
Not a good time to lose,
Closing in on the Playoff race,
Time for Brees to beat the Curse,
If the champs want to save face.

9. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 11
This week for the Chiefs,
Todd Haley was at a boil,
The message was clear,
Fuck you, Brodie Croyle.

10. New York Giants
Last Week: 5
Three quarters of dominance,
Followed by an epic fall,
It’s a race to the post season,
If they make it at all.

11. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 16
Crazy as it sounds,
The Colts might pull this off,
With literally no help,
Peyton may make the playoffs.

12. San Diego Chargers
Last Week: 15
What’s that little boy?
Your gift request so odd,
Phillip Rivers to stop being a jerk?
Dear boy, I’m Santa, not God.

13. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 13
Maybe they can win,
Without Rogers leading the team,
No, probably not,
At least they’re not obscene.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week 10
Lots of bad mistakes,
This team always seems to make,
Now they’re playing back behind,
The Colts they couldn’t shake.

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 12
Wrap up a playoff spot?
Nah, lose to the Lions!
You can’t win any game,
If you don’t bother trying.

16. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 17
No realistic shot at anything else,
Still got a nice win,
Something to build on?
Maybe they can take Brady Quinn!

17. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 14
The Dolphins missed the boat,
As only this team really can,
A team of underachievers,
Remember, Laces out, Dan.

18. Saint Louis Rams
Last Week: 18
How are we going to win the West?
“You have to win,” I shout?
Rams have a different plan,
They will win by losing out.

19. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 19
If they could win a game,
They might still have a shot,
Can’t sit on Week Seventeen,
Hoping they will get hot.

20. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 26
Their first win in a month!
Moss wasn’t even dressed,
Has anybody seen Vince Young?
Next year…yeah…still a mess.

21. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 25
Tony Romo got to take one knee,
In this sad little season,
And hey, Kitna won another game!
Though I don’t think he was the reason.

22. Houston Texans
Last Week: 20
Now they can’t even get,
Their usual mediocre record,
Guys, eight isn’t hard,
I mean, look at the Phins.

23. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 22
That was fun while it lasted,
But now it’s back to Earth,
Only so long you can go,
With what McCoy is worth.

24. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 23
One last game in the cold snow,
After saying he wouldn’t be back,
At least it ends this way Bret,
Not on an Interception but a sack.

25. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 23
A team of two faces,
One without talent the other with,
Running out of chances,
Trade for Rusty Smith!

26. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 25
McNabb says he feels slighted,
For being benched for Rexy,
But both throw terrible picks,
One is just a little more Sexy.

27. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 31
It has been what it’s been,
Another season for the silver and blue,
At least they’ve won a couple,
And found a boy named Suh.

28. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 29
Heading to Christmas on a high,
Too little too late,
The Bills fans want a decent team,
I guess you’ll just have to wait.

29. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 31
Thus ends the season for Owens,
But he’ll be back working,
Next season T.O.’s taking his talents,
And bringing them to Turkey.

30. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 27
Now out of the hunt,
No seriously they could’ve won,
Really, as stupid as that sounds,
Screw you, NFC West, I’m done.

31. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 30
This week’s Tebow Alert:
Tim finally got his first start!
He threw one and ran one,
Then Oakland tore him apart.

32. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 32
Somehow the Panthers win!
Trying to ruin their draft!
As John Fox is leaving,
He’s filling the cupboard with crap.

YouTube Monday: Back from the Dead

December 20, 2010 YouTube No comments

It’s a Decemberween Mackerel! The Brothers Chaps took time off their busy movie schedule to update the Homerstarrunner site for the first time since April. The result was one of their best cartoons in years.

I’d say they should take a break from the site more often, but they really, really shouldn’t. In case you haven’t visited HR.com in a couple years, here’s the video.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for December 12th – 18th, 2010

December 20, 2010 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Your Favorite Band Broke Up. Ok, my favorite band did. In an announcement that came as an absolute shock to nobody who had been paying any attention since 2007, Josh and Zac Farro decided to quit Paramore and fade off into obscurity. No word yet on whether the rest of the band even notices that they’re gone.

2. Have You Seen the Ghosts of Tron? Waiting almost 30 years to make a sequel that had a rabid, if small, fanbase seems like a stupid idea, but when you’re Disney and want to throw $250 million at it, why the hell not? At least they’re keeping Jeff Bridges and Bruce Boxlightner employed.

3. Aw, Microsoft Is No Fun. Microsoft is blocking the development of several…um…”adult themed” games for the Kinnect. Well what the hell good is motion capture then? I mean, if you’re going to rub pretend things and flail around wildly for not much entertainment…wait. Why did they turn it down again?

4. Final Fantasy XIV Might Be. The extraordinarily poor performance of Final Fantasy XIV, Square Enix’s latest horrible attempt to make an MMO has performed so far below expectations, that they’ve revised their expected profits by over 90%, and are teetering on the brink of declaring for bankruptcy protection. If only they had a few long running series to fall back on!

5. LF Love. U SBM 25-30 luvs BB, me MBM 28. Need partner for basketball. No fatties. The New York Knicks’ Amar’e Stoudemire took out an ad on Craigslist this week, begging Carmello Anthony to demand a trade to the Big Apple. That…seems like collusion, but I’ll let it slide if he posts it in “Casual Encounters.”

RAW Satire for 12/13/10

December 17, 2010 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Sheamus declared himself KING OF KINGS. You hear that Triple H? Also, John Cena managed to somehow be even more stupid and annoying than usual. And The Miz did something. I’m sure of it. And maybe he’ll do something else…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Oh God. Three hours of this crap. As if on cue to my annoyance, here’s David Arquette former holster of Courtney Cox and the WCW Championship. And sadly, he was one of the best WCW Champions of his era too. At least he wanted the belt!

David Arquette: Hi, you may remember me as the guy who beat up Eric Bischoff and was in some WCW movie about hillbilly waste disposal men who watch professional wrestling. It was the spiritual forefather of The Wrestler. I also used to be married to Courtney Cox until one day a few months ago she woke up, looked at me and said, “What the hell have I done?” and then she ran out the door. So here’s the Slammy for “Shocker” Moment of the year. And the nominees are, Matt Hardy trying to throw up the shocker but getting winded, Sheamus accidentally going a whole RAW without calling somebody Fella, and Some Guys “hitting” level 85, which I can only assume is a euphemism for “having sex with Mae Young.” And the winner is…Neil Patrick Harris in The Debut of !

Wade Barrett: Neil couldn’t be here tonight, but I’d like to accept this award on his behalf. has had a good run, and if just two of you would’ve bought these yellow t-shirts, we might still be on it. But whatever. What do I know? I’m only the leader of the damn thing. Speaking of which, I haven’t decided what I’m going to do about the whole John Cena thing. He’s probably going to find a way to get himself hired back anyway, so maybe I should just do it and get a cut of her merch sales or something. That’d keep the nXt afloat for a while.

Michael Cole: Wade, I just got a message from RAW General Manager Demon Girl, she says “Shut this guy up, will you?” and then there’s a less than sign and three. I don’t know what that means. But I know just the thing to shut you up.

Wade Barrett vs. The Big Show

The rest of is trying to farm archeology right now. Good luck, you guys, that stuff is teeeeerrible. Only 9,000 more shards to make my “Scandalous Nightie” I’ll get right on that! Michael Cole tries to take credit for David Arquette’s career, which is honestly kind of sad. Then again, I’m pretty sure I’m retroactively responsible for Arli$$. And most of WCW from 2000 on. So I’m really sorry about that. It wasn’t my idea, guys, I swear. Barrett forgets he’s even in this match a few minutes in and wanders off. Big Shwo wins!

(ads)

Here are our next presenters, Kelly Kelly Kelly and Tyson Kidd. Of course. Because giving these two mic time is the best idea in the world.

Tyson Kidd: This is Jackson Andrews. He’s so low on the totem pole that he agreed to be my bodyguard. Hey Kelly, do you want to get married? Then you can be Kelly Kelly Kelly-Kidd.

Kelly: No thanks. You’re Tyson Kidd for Pete’s sake. And I hate your hair.

Kidd: I’m surprised you…even…know…words.

Kelly: You just ran out of the ability to…cut…promo…me too.

Kelly and Kidd both frown and walk off the stage.

Jackson Andrews: And the Random Product Placement Heel of the Year is…CM Punk!

CM Punk: Thank you everybody! You may remember that earlier this year I was a total creeper towards Rey Misterio’s daughter. Though probably not because that was months ago. And on Smackdown. And then I shaved my head and totally wore a lucha mask. The sad thing is that stuff ACTUALLY HAPPENED. I’m not even joking. It’s really too bad nobody watched Smackdown. Anyway, I’d like to thank Random Sponsor, and I’ll make a random threat to somebody so I have a feud coming out of my injury. Um…WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan…You’re going down.

Kofi Johnston-

(ads)

Kofi Johnston and Daniel Bryan (w/ The Bellas) vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) and Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse)

We’ve got three hours, show. Don’t mess with me like this. So, Bryan gets two girlfriends and Kofi doesn’t get any? What the hell? Share the wealth, Daniel! CM Punk, of course, approves. Though he won’t say who he’s going to be feuding with alongside WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. My money is on Yoshi Tatsu. Always. Any time I put money down on wrestling, it’s always on Yoshi Tatsu. I’ve lost a lot of money on professional wrestling. Kofi gets sick of not having a girlfriend and kicks Dolph in the head for the win.

(ads)

Santino and Vlad are out to present the award for owner of the year. I own things! Maybe it will be me!

Santino Marella: So I’ve-a hung out-a with basically-a all of-a RAW’s owners. And-a my favorite was-a MacGruber. Mostly-a because even though-a that movie-a did horribly-a, I still-a got to make-a out with Kristen Wiig-a.

Vladamir Kozlov: I hate MacGruber. He was my mortal enemy and I crush him.

Santino: Vlad you remember-a that wrestling-a is fake-a right? And so-a is MacGruber-a?

Kozlov: I WILL CRUSH DOUBLE DOUBLE E!

Santino: And the-a winner is-a…Pee Wee Herman-a!

Here is Pee Wee live satellite.

Pee Wee Herman: I’m back in my PlayHouse, but you best believe that I will work harder than ever to make this Slammy come alive and yell at me and my friends about eating fruit. HaHA! Anyway, owning RAW was one of the lowest points of my career. And think about what that really means. But at least I got something great out of it, right, Lita?

Lita: Help! I’ve been kidnapped and I’m being held in some kind of house of horrors!

Herman: Grab her, Chairy!

Mark Henry: Man, I told you to stop calling me that.

Backstage….

Wade Barrett: Man, isn’t it exciting? We won a Slammy!

David Otunga: Wade, I have to talk to you about something.

Barrett: Oh stuff it about John Cena. I don’t care anymore. I’ll go out there later and just do whatever feels right. And you still won’t kick me out of the nXt.

Otunga: No, I was going to say, all your fretting about the Cena thing that you’re not pulling your weight in the guild achievements. We’re never going to get a Dark Phoenix if you don’t log in once in a while.

Barrett: Oh. Yeah. Ok then.

(ads)

Mark Henry vs. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes

Henry, of course, asked Jambi to teleport him the hell out of there, and Jambi was more than happy to help somebody escape that hellhole. Unfortunately for Mark, it’s out of the frying pan and into a match with Cody Rhodes. The entire match consists of Rhodes trying to get the one move he knows (a CHINLOCK~!) in, but Henry being so big that he just shrugs Rhodes off. Then Cody gets tired of wrestling, and just knees Henry in the back and Mark collapses. Cody wins!

(ads)

Here’s Jerry “” Lawler and Vickie Guerrero.

Jerry “” Lawler: It’s time for the next Slammy, the worst joke award goes to me. For basically everything I say on every episode of RAW. I’d like to thank my family for always sticking by me, my friends, Capitol Records, Jesus-

Vickie Guerrero: Jerry, we’re supposed to be out here presenting the Slammy for the Stupidest Moment of the Year.

Lawler: And the award goes to you, for existing. Here’s your trophy. Try not to eat it, it’s not chocolate.

Vickie: Actually, the award goes to John Cena for getting his stupid ass fired even though all he basically had to do was screw Randy Orton over, something he should’ve wanted to do ever since Randy tried to kill Rob’s dad.

Lawler: John Cena couldn’t be here tonight, so we’re accepting this award on his behalf. And we’re going to try to eat it.

Barrett: Give me that. John Cena, I know you’re out there. Come down here and accept your damn reward.

With the grace of Hugh Jackman, John Cena ziplines in from the rafters and lands on his face.

Barrett: John, you’re an idiot. But I can’t fault you for that. You’re out of but you’re back into my heart. While you’re sitting there writhing in pain, I just anted to give you the good news. Firstly, we’re having a match at TLC, a musical chairs match so we can work out all our aggressions. Through musical chairs. Also, you’re getting a chance to really give David Otunga the what for in a match tonight.

David Otunga: I didn’t agree to that.

Barrett: Yeah, well…shut up.

Then Barrett lightly taps Cena in the face with a chair.

(ads)

Well, well, well…Look who’s back….

David Arquette: I’m dressed as Elvis to bring you an important message about car insurance. I’m just foolin’. I’m dressed as Elvis because of none of you’re damn business why I’m dressed as Elvis. Ok? Leave me alone. I’m a former WCW Champion. I deserve better than this. Anyway, I’m not even going to name off nominees for “Fan of the Year.” Here’s that Demon Girl.

RAW General Manager Demon Girl: You insignificant mortals! You are lucky that you are not already all my slaves! Elbirroh si war. Eid lliw zim eht! Now give me that trophy before I burn a hole through your miserable sexless skull with my laser eyes, peasant.

Arquette: This is why I didn’t want kids.

The Miz: Ah ah ah. Not so fast, Demon Girl. I know you and I have had our differences, but that’s not how a kid is supposed to treat an adult. What do you say if you want the statue from the nice man?

Demon Girl: Whelp! You’ll rue the day you ever crossed me you wretched excuse for a cave of flesh! If this show weren’t rated PG, I’d have sucked your soul from your disemboweled corpse.

Miz: Nooooo, that’s not it.

Demon Girl: PLEASE!

Miz: Say it like you mean it!

Demon Girl: Please.

Miz: No. But at least you learned a valuable lesson here today.

Demon Girl: Niarb a rof esucxe citehtap rouy ni sevac oiretsim yer epoh I!

(ads)

The Miz (w/ Alex Riley and David Arquette) vs. Rey Misterio

That was pretty ballsy and stupid of Miz to blatantly steal from his boss there, especially when she already hates him with the passion of a million suns. But she was kind of asking for it. Remember kids, a little manners goes a long way. Alberto Del Rio comes out, but is exhausted by the time he gets to the entrance ramp, so he just kind of stops there. Walking is hard work! Nobody even notices until Alex Riley screams, “Is that Alberto Del Rio?!” at the top of his lungs, startling Rey, who gets rolled up. Miz wins!

(ads)

Here’s Edge who looks kind of depressed, actually.

Edge: I’m out here to talk about Paul Bearer or something. Can I just put him in oatmeal again instead of dragging him around all over the place? Anyway, I’m here to present the Slim Jim presents the Oh Snap of the Year Slammy Award Presented by Slim Jim Which Reminds You to Snap into a Slim Jim and Unleash Your Spicy Side. I have no idea who my co-presenter is.

Chris Tian: It’s me. Your estranged younger brother.

Edge: Remember when we used to have chemistry and witty banter?

Tian: Yep.

Edge: And the winner of the Slim Jim presents the Oh Snap of the Year Slammy Award Presented by Slim Jim Which Reminds You to Snap into a Slim Jim and Unleash Your Spicy Side is me. For suplexing that computer that one time. It turns out it really didn’t accomplish anything but derail my career there for a few months.

Tian: I’m getting a text from the RAW General Manager. No. Wait. It’s just Grandma. Hi Grandma!

Edge: Hi Grandma.

King Sheamus vs. John Morrison

Oh man! This feud is awesome. I can’t wait to see who’s going to win this most epic contest in the history of our epic sport. Wait, the match never started because whoever the hell WWE RAW Referee This Guy is never called for the bell. Do your job, stupid. RAW GM Demon Girl tries to come out and smooth things over, but Sheamus just calls her “Fella” so she books a…Money in the Bank match? If only they had a PPV for that! Oh, wait…It’s just good for the Rumble. Well, there goes my dream of main eventing the Rumble for my 30th birthday!

(ads)

Here’s the “Knuckleheads” Moment of the Year Slammy, brought to you by the Knuckleheads Comedy Club in Bloomington, MN.

JTG: Yeah, I know. I can’t believe I still work here either!

William Regal: I’m shocked that neither of us have been fired, sunshine. In fact, I’m kind of afraid to open this envelope. It’s probably a pink slip.

JTG: Money! Money! Yeah! Yeah!

Regal: And the Slammy goes to….

JTG: LayCool beating Mae Young! Which didn’t even happen!

Michelle McCool: Omigosh, there are so many people I’d like to thank-

Layla El: Just thank your husband and get on with it.

McCool: Thanks, baby! I hope you’re rerereundead again soon!

JTG: Nice to see you guys again! Probably for the last time!

Regal: Yes. Thanks for this, WWE.

(ads)

Layla El vs. Michelle McCool vs. Melina vs. Gail Kim vs. Rosa Mendes vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse vs. Tamina vs. Kaitlyn vs. Alicia Fox vs. Nikki Bella vs. Brie Bella vs. Natalya
In a Battle Royal for the Diva of the Year of this Match Slammy

Man…really? Remember when they used to just give this to Trish or Stacey based on who they would sell the most copies of the Divas magazine this year? Now it’s just a random match. It’s just like….if they gave an Oscar for best trailer shown during the ceremony. Which they should do. And I hope Kaitlin wins. But my money? Is on Yoshi Tatsu. He’s in this match, right? I guess I should just be glad, because if this was TNA this would be for the girl’s title. Basically everybody’s eliminated in two seconds of hot action, and then Michelle pokes Natalya out for the win. Somewhere, Undertaker is still dead. Oh, and the Natalya and Beth are taking on LayCool in a tables match. Someone is literally going to get hurt.

Backstage, Edge is snapping into a Slim Jim.

(ads)

Edge vs. Jack Swagger

Wade Barrett is busy tonight, so he can’t be performing his role as the Legal Eagle. Which is too bad, because that’s really the only reason to watch a Jack Swagger match. Where’s Chris Tian? He and Edge need to work on their repartee if they’re going to be hosting awards shows together again. What does any of this stuff have to do with RAW? We’re going to forget that these people exist in ten minutes, so what am I even bothering to write any more about them for? Edge wins it with the Spear.
Backstage….

Alex Riley: Do we really want to draw the inevitable Miz/David Arquette as champion comparisons right out in the open this early?

The Miz: Yeah. Let’s just confront them head on. You be Kanyon.

Riley: No.

David Arquette: Besides, Miz is nothing like me. I was a moderately successful film actor who married way outside my means, and I won the WCW title in my first match. You were on…MTV after everybody stopped caring about the Real World. And then you kicked around for a couple years doing not much until you lucked into a WWE title. We’re nothing alike at all.

Miz: I hate you.

Riley: Now you know how I feel. Every day.

(ads)

Well…It’s the Big Show.

Big Show: So…I hope you’re appreciating all these Smackdown people, because for most of you this is the last time you’ll see us until the next time we’re on RAW. Anyway, I’m here to present the Slammy for moment of the year. Sadly the winner is not Yoshi Tatsu winning the WWE Pre-Show Battle Royal at Wrestlemania or us all laughing at TNA for handing everything over to Hulk Hogan. So…here’s Shawn Michaels for some reason.

At an undisclosed location….

Shawn Michaels: Look, I can’t tell anybody but this cameraman where I am. Hunter set me up with this sweet job so I wouldn’t have to break myself anymore. And I can work kid’s parties on weekends. Only $10,000! And…hold on a second. Welcome to Wendy’s can I take your order? No, you can’t get a McRib. Yeah yeah, look over the menu. No, I can’t talk right now. I’m accepting a Slammy. That’s not a euphemism for anything. Listen, WWE Universe, I’ve got to go. Please take me back. I can’t take this anymore. I mean I never realized how much work kids are. And Whyspyr is always riding me and…I’ll do anything. I’ll join ! I’ll job to Miz! Please take me back! Please?

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Alex Riley and David Arquette (w/ The Miz)
In a Handicap Match

The match mostly consists of Orton beating the crap out of Riley while Arquette looks like he needs a girlfriend on the outside. Then Riley tags David in and he’s a house afire. Just kidding, he gets body slammed and tags back out. Come on, Randy, that’s a former World Champion there, you’ve got to give him some offense. Riley trips over Arquette’s tears and falls over. Orton wins! Miz hits the ring and Orton, but Arquette wants to get involved a little too much, and he gets tossed through a table by Orton. While David Arquette slowly dies in the ring, the camera focuses in on Miz, who I think is about to sneeze.

(ads)

Michael Cole: I’m here to give out the “Line of the Year” Slammy. And the winner is me. For the time I said “And he crushes the leg of Randy Orton.” I’d like to thank myself for both inventing and deciding the winner of this Slammy.

(ads)

And here’s the last Slammy!

Teddy Long: Holla Holla, Playa! Last night at the Scientific and Technical Slammys nobody won any awards. The Superstar of the Year is John Cena. What a shock. Buhleedat.

John Cena: I’m glad that I won the Slammy here in New Orleans. Now I can go out there and get crunk and give it to some girl so she takes her top off. Oh, right, this is supposed to be PG. She…um…still has her bra on. It’s been so hard being fired from WWE. I mean, before all I had to look forward to was being here on RAW, and after literally weeks of still being here on RAW…I’m back here on RAW! WOO!

John Cena vs. David Otunga (w/ )

Otunga does not look too excited to see that Barrett is out there tonight. Whatever happened to Darren Young anyway? I know it’s probably too much to ask for Cena to have come out in tan face, but it still would’ve been hilarious. I wonder if he can still grow his hair out that long. Cena immediately locks in the STF for the win. Well…We must be pretty much out of time. Well played, WWE. Cena whacks the prone Otunga with a chair a million times like a huge jerk, and Wade Barrett just kind of watches with vague disinterest.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: The Miz hands the Spinnin’ Title to David Arquette. Shawn Michaels finally gets a break to eat his cold, leftover fries. And John Cena hits Wade Barrett with a chair, but it doesn’t have anything to do with their match.

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