I rarely ever pay attention to anything that happens in tennis. It’s just…maybe this is bad, but I don’t really care about what happens to these guys. I’ll watch a few matches of Wimbledon and the US Open, and my fix is satiated for the year.
But I do appreciate the athletic display occasionally put on by these guys, including this, a 39 shot point played out by Andy Murray and Novak Djokavic in the final of the Australian Open, which is really impressive to watch.
1. You May Not Be Able to Read This. Egypt shut down the Internets this week in a misguided effort to curtail protesting and rioting that’s sprung up throughout the country. They should really know better than to enrage the Twitterverse.
2. Stay Tuned for Two and a Half Men and Thirteen Women! Charlie Sheen checked himself in and out of rehab after spending the entire start of the week on a cocaine fueled bender with two porn stars. He also revealed plans to rent a house this summer so that he can live with his “family of porn stars.” So…have fun there, CBS.
3. Some Guy Is Superman. British acto Henry Cavill, who was on Tudors, a show you’ve never watched, has been signed to play Superman in Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder’s relaunch of the series. Somewhere, Brandon Routh still looks more like Superman.
4. Chad Ochocinco Done Being Hillarious. Chad Ochocinco has decided to drop his moniker and go back to being a Johnson in an effort to be more serious about his flagging career. It’s too bad he didn’t go through with his threat to change his name to Chad Hatchigo, the NFL needs more Asian players.
5. Mark Zuckerberg Was on SNL. In the world’s most uncomfortable opening monologue, Mark Zuckerberg jokingly confronted Jesse Eisenberg (who played a very unflattering Zuckerberg in “The Social Network”) and Andy Samberg (who does the same on SNL). Then they all just stood there like a bunch of nerds on TV. No word on how Michael Cera figures into all this yet.
They’ve shortened the American Idol Season a bit this year, but it’s already looking like a long year. We’re still a few weeks away from the Hock Show’s coverage, and…I’m already sort of dreading it.
J-Lo’s been relatively unoffensive so far, and Randy hasn’t changed at all, but what’s with Steven Tyler acting like Steven Tyler. You know…nothing more fun than a 60 year old man hitting on 15 year olds.
Jimmy Kimmel shares my pain.
Last Week: John Cena decided to reopen his 1001 Schoolyard Jokes book to learn what the kids these days are saying. Also, Mark Henry got his stank back. And CM Punk waxed nostalgic about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What 00s pop culture icon will he ruin…TONIGHT?!
(Opening Credits)
Here’s Edge, of course, because he hasn’t been on this show in forever.
Edge: Hey guys. What show is this? Smackdown? Cool. Cool. How’s it going, SyFy?! Man, it’s weird that there’s all these RAW banners and things.
Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager Demon Girl! And I quote, in all caps “OMFG WHO LET EDGE ON HIS SHOW! LAST TIME HE TOTALLY BROKE MY HELLO KITTY LAP TOP! THIS IS NOT SMACKDOWN!” Then it’s just a fourteen page long string of expletives. You apparently have the crazy eyes.
Edge vs. Tyson Kidd vs. Jack Swagger vs. Drew McIntyre
The Winner gets to Enter the Royal Rumble at #40, Unless It’s Edge, Then He’s Just Still Edge
This is apparently Edge’s “punishment” for breaking that computer whenever the hell that was. Sort of, it‘s a little like punishing your child for breaking a mirror by lashing them with macaroni. I think the RAW GM has a little crush on Edgey. Either that or she really thinks that Tyson Kidd has a shot in hell at winning this thing. I’m more concerned about what happened to Jackson Andrews. Did he die? Did anybody issue an Amber Alert? Edge, shockingly, wins.
CM Punk: That’s great. Smackdown, everybody. Give ‘em a hand. They need it. Anyway, I’ve got these guys following me now, and they keep telling me about how great World of Warcraft, but I’m Straight Edge, which means that I can’t play video games. Or something. I don’t know. There’s a lot of rules, ok? I’ll tell you what I can have. A huge guy who doesn’t know how to talk. Meet my new Festus, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” impersonator Mason Ryan. Mason, shock them with your wit.
Mason Ryan: CHICKENS!
Punk: Well…At least he’s not na or a member of The Corrrrrrrrre, the only all pirate stable in the WWE.
Wade Barrett: Yarr, matey! I tells ya this, shut yer blow hole and give me back
Ezekial Jackson: Um…shiver me timbers. Or whatever. Why am I in this group again?
Ezekiel and Mason walk off to the side and share their mutual love for chicken.
Cole: I hate to inform you guys of this, but the RAW General Manager just sent me another e-mail, saying that she really hated NXT and only one group will be allowed into the Rumble match. And Wade and Punk will have to fight it out to see if it’ll be the nXt or nXt Wolfpac.
Punk: Did she really say that?
Cole: No. But she really did say that she hates NXT.
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John Morrison and Mark Henry vs. King Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)
Ok. Check. Check. Check. Oh what the hell. I get why Mark Henry is on a constant partner search, he’s been here for years and never done anything of note. Plus there’s the whole thing with his Stank. Buy it now on the Shopzone. But what the hell? Sheamus couldn’t find a partner from this show? Was Yoshi Tatsu busy or something? It doesn’t help that Alberto is a total fella either. What with that ascot and all.
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Del Rio is wailing on Morrison out of the break, clearly jealous that Morrison’s actually on RAW. Backstage, Michael Tarver is watching. Which…why? Why is Michael Tarver watching this match? Not one of the nXt matches, not a match he actually has a stake in, but John Morrison and Mark Henry vs. King Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio. Maybe he’s just a big Sheamus fan. What am I saying, nobody is a big Sheamus fan. Oh, what do I care? It’s Michael Tarver! Sheamus misses the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!), but Del Rio follows it up with an Arm Bar, which is still His Friggin’ Move, for the win. No word on what Michael Tarver thinks of all of this.
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Melina vs. Natalya
For the WWE Undefined Women’s Title
Melina is a house afire to start, throwing punches and kicks and leglocks around like Michael Tarver is watching. Sorry, Melina, but nobody’s watching this match right now. Well…except me. And I barely count. Plus, I’m not a Neilson Family. Oh, how I wish I was, though. I’d just watch all the worst TV shows, so that everything you like gets cancelled for once. Natalya steps through and locks in the Sharpshooter for the win, nearly bending Melina in half in the process. Lay Cool come out to challenge Nattie for a match at the Rumble, because apparently this feud is still going on. But at least the Diva’s Title is a multiple show title, so it makes sense for Layla and Michelle to be here. Sort of.
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Backstage….
David Otunga: Admittedly, I’m more secure about CM Punk winning a match than I ever was about Wade Barrett.
CM Punk: I appreciate that. I think. I’m going to ask you guys a favor. I know that the Royal Rumble is everyman for himself thing, but I want you guys to basically win the match for me. Everybody cool with that? Great. Because not a single one of you has a shot in hell at main eventing Wrestlemania, except me. And even for me it’s kind of an outside shot. I want you all to remember this one word tonight. Justice. As in, at the end of the Rumble, it’ll be just us in the ring. You got something you want to say, fatty?
Husky Harris: Are we going to get something to eat? I’m starving!
Punk: Are we going…Listen to this guy! Are we going to get something to eat?! Mason, tell this guy what you think about that!
Mason Ryan: I like to eat FOOD!
Punk: Ugh. Ok, you two go get some food for us. The rest of us, take a knee and let’s pray.
Michael McGillicutty: Wait! What if you get eliminated before we get to the ring? Then who are we supposed to have win?
Otunga: Well, clearly-
Punk: Clearly I’ve got a back-up plan. Which is to beat up Yoshi Tatsu, put on my luchador mask and enter as Ultimo Dragon.
Ultimo Dragon: That plan-uh is Dragonriffic!
McGillicutty: Yes. That sounds…foolproof.
Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.
WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, you are the referee for tonight’s Wade Barrett and CM Punk match. You hate both guys, so please, explain how this is going to work.
John Cena: First, Josh, I’d like to apologize to our fans last week for all the profanity I uttered. I lost my cool and that’s not a good example to be setting for all our fans out there. There’s a place for poo poo and pee pee and that, kids, is in the bathroom. Not in a promo for millions of fans watching around the world. As for CM Punk and Wade Barrett, quite frankly I’m conspiring to disqualify both of them.
Mathews: Really?
Cena: Yep. Then they’ll both be out of the Rumble. Which would mean we wouldn’t even have 40 guys, so they would probably just give the thing to me.
Mathews: And you’re admitting this. Right now. In a televised interview.
Cena: Yeah. What is anybody going to do about it? Now, I have a question for you. Do you know what Wade’s group is called “The Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre?”
Mathews: I think it’s probably just a trade marking thing-
Cena: I know that guy. That’s my cousin!
Mathews: -every other spelling of the world “Core” was already taken. So, for licensing-
The Miz: That’s not it. They’re gimmick pirates. Weren’t you paying attention at the top of the show?
Cena: Nope.
Mathews: I’m not paying attention right now.
Miz: Well, you’ll all start paying attention to the things I say once I beat Randy Orton at the Royal Rumble! Me and Alex Riley are going to THE MOON!
Cena: You’re not beating Randy Orton. Get the hell out of here, Count Poop Von Doodoohead.
Mathews: Miz is still here? Holy crap. Go away!
The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. Edge
It’s the two champions! There used to be a whole PPV about this! Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero come out to do commentary, because apparently we’ve bypassed the whole “invasion” aspect of this, and we’re just watching Smackdown now. I can’t say as I’m terribly impressed. They immediately start talking about Teddy Long, who apparently is in the hospital with a serious case of Dollah Dollah Bills y’all. My thoughts and/or prayers are with him for a swift recover. Buhleedat.
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Seriously though, if you’re going to force me to watch Smackdown, couldn’t you at least give me that JTG vs. Trent Barretta match I’ve been begging for? Not this…Edge and Dolph Ziggler crap. Is Edge really a face, by the way? Why? Edge misses a Spear, but ends up tossing Miz into the crowd anyway. This is progressing like a match from Smackdown vs. RAW or something. Just guys missing moves and then standing up and hitting moves. Let’s let these guys get their heads into the game and we’ll come back.
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Dolph and Vickie are now talking about how he’s the new WWE main event, which is awfully sad. But you’ve come a long way from the Spirit Squad, baby! Miz goes for the roll-up, but that’s Not His Move! But that’s fine, because seconds later, Dolph is in the ring and attacking Edge. So that’s a DQ. Randy Orton wanders out and Riley and Ziggler both fall over in fear. Orton wins! But Miz whaps him with the Money in the Bank briefcase and runs away before Orton can beat him too. What in the hell is Miz still doing with that damn thing anyway?
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Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Wade Barrett.
WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Wade Barrett, and Wade I have to ask you, “The Corrrrrrrrrrre?” Really?
Wade Barrett: Aye, Josh. I’m a mean and nasty pirate.
Mathews: That doesn’t make any sense. Why not just, “The Core?” That’s a pretty cool name. It’s apropos because arguably you and Heath and Gabriel were “The Core” of
Barrett: And be compared to that horrible Hillary Swank movie? No way, land lubber!
Mathews: You are the worst group leader ever. Ever.
Barrett: The Corrrrrrrre is a ship with no captain! We’re a crew of blige rats with…um….grog! PREPARE TO BE BOARDED!
Mathews: Are you coming onto me?
Barrett: I…think so?
Daniel Bryan and The Bella Twins vs. Ted DiBiase, Maryse, and Alicia Fox
Nice to see Ted still with Maryse…and Alicia Fox. Wait, are all these guys from RAW? What are they doing on Smackdown? Daniel Bryan is keeping his distance from the Bellas because girls are icky. And these two are a little creepy. Plus he’s totally a vegan. The Bellas spend literally the entire match taking turns trying to have sex with Bryan at ringside. And when he won’t give in to either of them, the get pissed off and job to Maryse. Nobody’s more shocked that Teddy and Maryse’s losing streak is over than Alicia Fox, but forget about that SEX!
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Backstage….
The Bella Twins: We can’t believe that a neck beard man like Daniel Bryan wouldn’t want to have sex with us. Generically hot and creepy twins. What is wrong with him? He should be all up ons our crazy go nuts twinage bodies.
Michael Tarver: ‘sup, ladies? I’m just hanging out backstage.
The twins head into Daniel Bryan’s dressing room (HE has a dressing room?!) and find that he is all up ons. All up ons Gail Kim!
Bellas: We are shocked and horrified!
Daniel Bryan: That’s right! You’re scary and creepy, but I’ve been leading you on this whole time while I’ve been having sex with topless cellphone lady here!
Gail Kim: I have a name!
Bryan: Of course you do.
Bellas: Gail Kim? She still works here?
Gail: Shockingly, yes.
Bryan: Let that be a lesson, Michael Cole! Don’t judge a neck beard by its cover…BITCH!
Then Bryan pulls out a wad of $100s and throws them at the ladies, pops his collar, and drives off in a solid gold Porsche.
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Michael McGillicutty and Husky Harris vs. Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov
This is a non-title match, because nobody wants to risk the annals of WWE Tag Team Title history forever stained by the name “Husky.” It’s bad enough that Men on a Mission had the belts. Or, for that matter, Santino and Vlad. Santino goes for the Cobra, but Harris gets his move in instead (That’s His Move) for the win. Vlad looks incredibly depressed. David Otunga comes out to introduce the man who sacrificed his entire career to join a stupid group that hasn’t been cool in months and hasn’t played WoW in weeks. That’s right, Mason Ryan. I mean CM Punk.
Backstage, John Cena gives his necklace to Tough Enough Jessie and she’s all happy. But then he takes her shirt, and she’s all sad.
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CM Punk vs. Wade Barrett
With Special Guest Referee John Cena and the Loser’s Stable Is Eliminated from the Royal Rumble
Cena throws anybody who isn’t Wade Barrett, CM Punk, or himself from ringside, which creates an awkward rest of the show with no commentators, timekeeper, or camera crew. Then he proceeds to start punching Wade and Punk and pointing at his referee’s shirt to protect himself. This is pretty much WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda’s dream. Every time he referees a match, watch the guy. He wants to beat the crap out of everybody. Danny Davis feels his pain. Finally, the two attempt to have a match, and Cena disqualifies them both for being “doo doo brains.” To be fair, that is in the rulebook. Michael Cole meanders back out.
Michael Cole: RAW General Manager Demon Girl just sent me an e-mail. She hates you all and this match didn’t mean anything pretty much like this entire show. Now John, apologize or we’re going to make you join
John Cena: I’m soooooorry.
Then everybody realizes that this is the last RAW before the Royal Rumble, so both the RAW Locker Room and the Smackdown Locker Rooms clear, and everybody comes out to the ring to start brawling. If you look closely, I think you can see Mike Chioda in there wailing away on Zack Ryder.
Sunday Sunday Sunday: The Royal Rumble is, shockingly, won by the 31st entrant: Mike Chioda. Also, Daniel Bryan hang glides into the stadium drinking a martini, has sex with Kelly Kelly Kelly and somehow manages to hang glide back out of the stadium, all while never dropping his drink. And Randy Orton falls over, causing confusion and chaos around the WWE Spinnin’ Title.
Places of Interest
Oasis of Vir’sar
Ramkahen
Schnottz’s Landing
Neferset City
Uldum is the fourth zone in World of Warcraft Cataclysm if you do them in order, or the third if you’re doing them level by level. It’s a desert zone that is has been designed mostly around Arabic and Egyptian culture, with a few oddities and a giant Indiana Jones film thrown in.
The story is that you join a crew of adventurers from Tanaris who are investigating the sudden reappearance of the country of Uldum, which had heretofore been sealed behind a magic gateway in southern Tanaris since the Titans left Azeroth. The locals don’t take too kindly to this, and the air elemental lord Al’Akir has you all taken prisoner. You bust out and try to piece the society together all while searching for an ancient weapon of unfathomable power.
There’s more story in Uldum than there has been in any of the other zones to this point, but it’s really sort of incoherent. There’s cat people, Nazis, bandits and elementals and they all fit into two major storylines that are barely connected, so you sort of end up drifting from one group of characters to the next, with no rhyme or reason, which makes them hard to follow straight through no matter how interesting they are.
The other thing to know about Uldum is that it’s densely packed with new game mechanics, many of which aren’t that well put together. There’s a very primitive RTS which is disappointing and boring, a shock from the foremost RTS makers of this generation. And the unskippable cutscenes really start piling up here, which gets really annoying when all you want to do is move on to the next quest.
Mining: Elementium, Pyrite. The mountainous regions to the south and west of Uldum are chock full of Elementium veins, and you should have a nice stack or two just from questing about the area.
Herbalism: Whiptail, Cinderbloom. A good amount, especially of cinderbloom throughout the zone, including a good concentration of nodes around the river that runs through the center of the zone.
Cloth: Cindercloth. Tons of humanoids throughout the zone, from Nazis to Pygmies, and they drop a fair amount of Cindercloth. The bandits in the north may be the easiest cloth farming for this portion of the expansion.
Leather: Savage Leather Standard skinning, with nothing really special in terms of farming large quantities. Your best bet is to stick along the river and grab the crocalisks there, as they’re not terribly difficult to kill.
I like Uldum because it’s an interesting zone that does a lot of things aesthetically and storyline-wise that WoW’s never done before. It’s a very cool, breezy zone that gives you tons of variety and makes your character feel important to the overall story of the game. And hey, at the current leveling rate, if you do every zone up to this point, you’ll probably ding 85 right here.
But it’s so weird and uneven that it’ll be hard going back. The RTS sections are terrible, the quests kind of weave in and out of relevance, and by the time you’re done watching 80 cutscenes about Goblin Hitler, you’re ready for a break, only to find out there’s still about fifty quests left in the zone. Overall, it’s worth it for the first time through, just because the zone itself is so cool, but after that? Move along to Twilight Highlands.
The new Legends of Wrestlemania looks interesting. Old WWF wrestlers wrestling new WWF Wrestlers in the old arcade style. Maybe not interesting enough to buy, but maybe this will convince me.
Ready to feel old? No. I’ll wait. Ready now?
Here’s a 100 year-old-looking Randy “Macho Man” Savage shilling for the game. It must’ve been THQ’s idea, because Vince hates Savage more than anything, but it’s still nice to see the old guy can still cut a crazy, rambling, nonsensical promo.
1. The Championship Games Are Over. Yes, I realized it happened on Sunday, but what the hell, New York? You couldn’t have made this the least bit interesting? The Steelers/Packers matchup is one I haven’t been looking forward to all year!
2. Kevin Smith Retires. Snootchie Boochies, folks! Kevin Smith, the visionary director behind Clerks…and…um…Clerks 2, has decided to call it quits after realizing that nobody wants to see his movies unless they’re about Clerks. To Celebrate, South West Airlines is offering value double seats for steep discounts until he retires.
3. No We *Really* Liked Working on the PS3 Despite the fact that Valve founder Gabe Newell finds developing for consoles obtuse and not worth his time (time better spent not working on Halflife 2: Episode 3, apparently) every person who buys Portal 2 for the PS3 will get a code for Portal 2 on Steam. That’s right, you get the PC/Mac version of the game for free too. Huh.
4. 10 Billion Served. Apple announced that they’ve sold their 10 billionth app this week, including around 250 million in the last week alone. The winning app? Paper Glider. Angry Birds it is not. But the lucky buyer won a $10,000 iTunes gift card, so she can go out and buy that Beatles back catalog now.
5. Keith Olbermann Going Going Gone. MSNBC’s answer to everybody on Fox News, Keith Olbermann was released from his contract this week. If you believe stories, it’s partly because the MSNBC boss Phil Griffin hated him or because Comcast didn’t care for him. I think it’s mostly because they’re jealous of his hair.
Last Week: CM Punk officially got sick of being in
(Opening Credits)
There once was a man with a dream. That man was Scrooge McDuck and that dream was to swim in a pool of his own money. And he accomplished that task. Let us all hope we can be as industrious as Uncle Scrooge some day.
Here’s John Cena, the perfect opening act on Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YO! I’m not going to rap. This is serious business this week, folks. Two weeks until the Royal Rumble, and I’m getting pumped up. So it’s time for me to act as childish as possible. CM Poop! I’m ready to take you and
The Miz: I know you were expecting CM Punk, but I have to come out here and address something right quick. What the hell is this about a 40 Man Royal Rumble this year? That’s ridiculous! I know our roster is bloated and top heavy, but YOU CAN’T MESS WITH THE ROYAL RUMBLE! That’s sacrilege!
Alex Riley: It’s something that should never happen! Like a Reality TV star winning the WWE Title.
Miz: Careful….
Cena: You know what you can mess with?! YOUR FACE! You can’t beat Jerry “” Lawler! Your WWE Title reign is going to be so short your mom will miss it while she does adult things with me. The Kardasians are girls. I can’t wait to fart monkey pee pee poo poo!
Miz: Alex, I think John’s finally snapped. Let’s…go.
Riley: What, you don’t want to stay and talk about your brawling prowess? Or how you’re suuuuuch a great technical wrestler?
Miz: No. And shut up.
Cena: Hey, guys! Let’s go choke on DEEZ NUTS!
Miz: Help me!
CM Punk: Oh man. I’ve done it. I’ve broken John Cena. Not that anyone asked, but honestly, I’m thrilled about the 40 Man Rumble! If I keep following the nWo principals, I should have a 30 member nXt in two weeks. And the other guys will be in nXt Wolfpac over on Smackdown, and they’re no problem. I can’t wait. Now, let’s go take out John Cena!
Santino Marella: I don’t-a even know-a what we’re-a doing here-a! Our problems-a were with Wade Barrett-a, Heath Slater-a, and Justin-a Gabriel!
Punk: Chased off by Santino Marella? That’s…not a good sign.
David Otunga: I’m more scared of what Tamina would do to us if we hurt him.
Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl and she says, I quote, “There’s going to be a match between John Cena and CM Poop tonight, and if anybody from The Nexus interferes then they’re stupid heads who have butt faces and won’t be able to be in the Rumble.”
Punk: She did not send that! Cena did. He’s on a laptop right now sending e-mails!
Cena: Did not!
Cole: Impossible! The RAW General Manager is the only person whose ever asked me for my e-mail address!
Punk: It’s on your Match.com profile!
Husky Harris: How would you know that?
Punk: Shut up, fatty.
Michael McGillicutty: Wait! If she bans us from the Rumble will there even be enough people on the roster to fill 40 spots?
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The Usos vs. Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov (w/ Tamina)
For the WWE Tag Team Titles
This, by the way, was rescheduled from last week, when it was supposed to be the opening match. Which I almost buy, except that I don’t believe that they remember anything that happened last week. The Usos take control on Santino for a while as I struggle to figure out which one is which again. I think Jey is the one with “Jimmy” on his tights. Suddenly, Vlad tags in and beats the hell out of the Usos. Remember when he used to do this on Smackdown, and we wondered if WWE was going to give him a push to Wrestlemania to fight Cena for the WWE Title? Me neither! Santino with a Cobra on Joey for the win.
Backstage….
Michael McGillicutty: No think about it, there’s like…a dozen guys who could legitimately win the Rumble. Maybe. If they get rid of both the nXts, there’d be about twenty guys in the Rumble this year. Twenty is not forty.
CM Punk: Not to cut this scintillating discussion short, but you know who my favorite Buffy the Vampire Slayer character was?
Punk walks over to each nXt member and kisses him on the forehead.
Punk: Faith.
Husky Harris: I was going to guess Giles.
Punk: Shut up, fatty.
David Otunga: Ok, this is getting weird. My mom always told me not to join a cult. Maybe mom was right.
Elsewhere, John Morrison, Daniel Bryan, and The Bella Twins discuss their favorite Buffyverse characters. They all come to a consensus on Amy Acker. Agreed.
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John Morrison vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ the Bella Twins)
Thoguh clearly the answer as far as Buffy-Buffy characters is that friend of Xander and Willow who gets killed in the first episode to make room for Buffy. Scraps or whatever the hell his name was. Why are they doing a face vs. face match for anyway? This makes no sense. I really should stop drinking before doing these recaps. Think they’re fighting over whether or not Happy Town was any good. It really wasn’t guys. I think Bryan’s on my side here. Indie standoff confuses the crowd!
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I mean, seriously, the mom was the kidnapper the whole time, and the people were all still alive? And there’s sentient bird? Ridiculous. The guys trade back kicks and flips and chinlocks until…No seriously. I think it’s still on Hulu. Go back and watch it and tell me if it makes a bit of sense. This match probably won’t be over by the time you get back. More punching. Armbars. Ok…Am I right? Awful. Yeah the guy from Jurassic Park was in it. Awesome. It was set in Minnesota and had Amy Acker. Is it too much to ask that it also made sense? Morrison gets the win after a knee to the face. Then both guys shake hands because this is Ring of Honor. Oh no! RAW’s going to get cancelled too! Thankfully, before that nonsense can continue, King Sheamus runs in and gives both these fellas a good Bicycle kick. The finisher of champions!
King Sheamus: I’m pretty sure they upped the number of competitors in this year’s Royal Rumble to forty so that I’d have to say, “turdy nine.” So…There you go.
John Cena; Hahahaha! TURDY! GET IT?!
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Backstage…Oh dear….
The Bella Twins: Did you see how hot John Morrison’s abs were? Omigod we know! Daniel Bryan’s abs aren’t that hot. But We’re a sucker for a good neck beard. What can we say? Did you hear that Daniel Bryan was a virgin?! WE KNOW! Or maybe it was vegan? Is there a difference? I’ll be his first lover. No, I will! No, I will! No, I will!
And it goes on and on like this. Meanwhile….
Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! I’m not even on this show!
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Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Randy Orton
Seriously? Is Smackdown this destitute? Orton starts things off with a CHINLOCK~!, so…never change, Randy! Dolph, on the other hand, focuses all of his offense on Randy’s glass leg. Having a glass leg would seem impractical. Especially in a profession where it’s constantly getting whacked against a steel pole. Dolph locks in the Sleeper, which is still his finisher for no particular reason, and Orton just falls over, causing Dolph to fall over as well. Orton wins! After the match, Miz and Alex Riley hop out and take advantage of the prone Mr. Orton, ramming him into all kinds of things, which is fun. Miz declares it, “Awesome.” Neat! Then Jerry Lawler spontaneously combusts.
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Backstage….
CM Punk: Faith, faith, faith, faith.
David Otunga: Don’t you have something else to say?
Punk: Anybody want to guess what my favorite TNA PPV was?
Husky Harris: Bound for Glory?
Punk: Nooo! Shut up, Fatty. Sacrifice!
Michael McGillicutty: I was going to guess Destination X.
Punk: And now, let’s pray to the spirit of Jeff Jarrett, the dearly departed. He of the beast masters and guitar hits.
Otunga: I’m totally comfortable with this.
Maryse vs. Natalya
Eve Torres and Melina are on commentary for no particular reason. Probably to wonder aloud why the Undefined Diva’s Title isn’t being defended here despite the fact that there’s no reason why it wouldn’t be. No, my bad, they’re out here to gossip and talk shop about whether or not neck beards are hot. The internet can only hope, ladies. Surprisingly, or maybe not, Melina doesn’t really care about John Morrison’s abs. Natalya wins with a Sharpshooter, and Maryse immediately starts crying because being associated with Ted DiBiase has killed any semblance of a push she’ll ever have. DiBiase comes out and whines that she’s not supportive enough of his faults. Isn’t dating fun?
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Ted DiBiase vs. Mark Henry vs. Yoshi Tatsu vs. William Regal vs. Tyson Kidd vs. Primo Colon vs. Darren Young vs. DH Smith vs. Zack Ryder vs. R-Truth vs. King Sheamus
So here’s a thing. Henry immediately tosses DiBiase, drawing out six guys who have zero chance of being in the Rumble, R-Truth who was just wondering what was up and kind of ended up in this match accidentally, and Sheamus who wanted to prove to all these fellas that he’s the best winner of fake matches out of anybody in WWE. Everybody but Sheamus and Henry eliminate themselves immediately in shame. I wonder if Drew Carey is going to be in the Rumble this year. Henry throws Sheamus out to prove that, yes, fat men can win fake Battle Royals. Aw. My money was on Yoshi Tatsu! Alberto Del Rio shows up to once again demonstrate how much he was not on RAW, and then he winks at the camera and drives off.
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I thought this was an (ad), but apparently this is a guy from NXT.
Derrick Bateman: Hi, I’m Derrick Bateman, and ever since WWE fired its Chief Olfactory Scientist Dr. The Boogeyman-
Former WWE Chief Olfactory Scientist Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m Former WWE Chief Olfactory Scientist Dr. The Boogeyman and I’m coming to SMELL YOU!
Bateman: I’ve taken it upon myself to get a WWE contract by creating a new cologne for the Shopzone. “Mah Stank” is a cologne for the working man. The man who wants coworkers to turn to him and say, “What the hell is that smell?” and you can smile and say-
Mark Henry: Man, THAT’S MAH STANK!
Bateman: Admittedly, that’s pretty awful. But I guarantee it will make you the world’s strongest man.
Henry: Is…is this steroids?
Bateman: No.
Henry: Is it?
Bateman: Nooooo….
Henry: Is it?
Bateman: Yes.
“Mah Stank” available at fine retailers now. Elsewhere….
John Cena: Knock knock!
Tough Enough Jessie: Who’s there?
Cena: Mah stank! BONG!
Then Cena takes her sandwich, licks it, and kicks her cellphone down the hall.
Tough Enough Jessie: That stuff was mine! WAAAAAAAH!
Cena: I know you are but what am I?
Pee Wee Herman: HaHA!
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CM Punk (w/
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Cena attempts all his finishers, but nothing comes of it. The announcers are fighting about whether or not Punk is insane. When did Lawler come back anyway. I thought he died earlier in the show. Has he been on this whole time? Punk goes for his finisher, but Cena counters that too. So we’re at a stalemate that’s only broken by the appearance of “Dave” Batista “Davidson” impersonator Mason Ryan. Punk asks the guy politely to kick him in the face, and he complies. Punk wins!
Next Week: There’s a huge shocker when I am announced as an entrant in the 2011 Royal Rumble. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” makes an appearance, and is immediately demoted to FCW. And Randy Orton cuts his first real promo in weeks, where he reveals that he’s not even sure who “The Mike” is.
Places of Interest
Temple of Earth
Therazane’s Throne
Llane’s Oath
Storm’s Fury
Your second (or third, if you do both starting zones) zone will be Deepholm, the elemental plane of earth and the currently vacated home of Deathwing the Destroyer. With Deathwing moved out, it’s being held by Queen Therazane, the elemental lord of Earth, whose children are currently fighting trogg and fungal invasions.
No matter your side, you find yourself at the Maelstrom in the middle of Azeroth’s ocean with the Horde’s former Warchief Thrall. He’s trying to stop the Maelstrom from destroying the world, so he’s sending you into the Plane of Earth to try to piece together the World Pillar that’s supposed to be holding things up. Unfortunately, the pieces are in the hands of your enemies, which is…convenient.
You spend a lot of time trying to win over the good guys in Deepholm. See, Therazane has a bit of an attitude about all the humans, orcs, and trolls crawling all over her homeland, because a group of them killed her daughter (hint: it was you) and trying to put that damned World Pillar back up.
Other than it being entirely indoors, which is admittedly wholly unique, there’s nothing really spectacularly new and diverse about the quests and things to do in Deepholm. After the two opening zones sort of ease you into new gameplay mechanics, they’re oddly absent here.
Mining: Obsidium, Pyrite, Elementium. As you’d probably expect from an underground zone, there’s quite a bit of mining here. It’s probably the second best zone in the game to farm ores for higher level recipes. The best being Twilight Highlands.
Herbalism: Heartblossom, Cinderbloom. Once again, as you’d expect, as you’d expect from the underground zone, there’s not much to be had. Still, there’s a storyline about plants creeping into the earthen halls, and so you do get an herb or two here and there.
Cloth: Cindercloth. Quite a few humanoids have taken residence in the underground, and you’ll be able farm a little bit of cindercloth here and there, especially amongst the Twilight Cultists Deathwing left behind.
Leather: This used to be THE place for it, because there are swaths and swaths of bats here that are easy to kill and easier to farm. Unfortunately, they patched that out now and so you’re stuck with very limited farming underground.
There’s something to Deepholm. Right now it’s really hard to move past it. It’s the second zone of the expansion, and while you could probably feasibly move straight to Uldum, you probably won’t. So expect to spend at least a level or so here whether you like it or not.
Ultimately, however, you’ll probably end up skipping it as future expansion packs make this content obsolete, I can see it being a zone that’s passed over entirely. The quests are bunched and disjointed, and while the overall story in Deepholm is actually really good, it’s so off-kilter and slow to develop that unless you’re into the lore like me, you’ll probably bail as soon as you can.
Green Bay Packers vs Chicago Bears
Why Green Bay Will Win:
They’re the hot hand in the playoffs right now. Defensively, they have the personnel to give Chicago fits. Their passing game has been clicking on all levels lately.
Why Green Bay Will Lose:
They’ve had some over the top coverage issues, which is bad facing a quarterback with an arm like Jay Cutler’s. The running game still isn’t where it needs to be for a title run. Aaron Rodgers hasn’t plaid an actual defense yet.
Why Chicago Will Win:
Matt Forte has actually been running pretty well of late, and the offensive line has been good. Jay Cutler actually looks like he’s in control. Defensively, they’ve historically matched up well against the Packers.
Why Chicago Will Lose:
Lots of Blitzes have been the death Bears offensive line this year, and nobody’s blitzed better than the Packers this year. The defense can be old and slow. Jay Cutler is long overdue for a horrible game.
Green Bay 24, Chicago 17
It won’t be the offensive explosion the Atlanta game was, but Green Bay seems like they’re a juggernaut right now, and I don’t see Chicago being the team to stop them. A lot of pressure on Jay Cutler forces him to make a terrible mistake at the end of the game to seal a Packers win.
New York Jets vs Pittsburgh Steelers
Why New York Will Win:
The defense should be able to contain the Steeler’s rollercoaster passing game. Mark Sanchez is on one of his hot streaks right now. Tomlinson and Green are capable of sealing up a game.
Why New York Will Lose:
Because they’re overconfident when their talent doesn’t warrant it. Mark Sanchez is playing well, but he’s alternately really horrible and due for a bad game. Defensively, Pittsburgh will be able to run on them.
Why Pittsburgh Will Win:
Ben Roethlisberger won’t be phased by the Jets defense. The Steelers receivers show up for games like this, and they’ve got better runners. The Steelers have the best defense left in the playoffs.
Why Pittsburgh Will Lose:
Big Ben got rattled in the first half of last week’s game, and he’s going tog et more of the same from a savvy defensive staff. The Steeler’s defense is good, but it has holes and Troy Polamalu hasn’t been right since his injury.
Pittsburgh 24, New York 14
It’s going to be a slugfest, and the Steelers have more slugs left than the Jets. Big Ben is more consistent than Mark Sanchez, and the Steelers defense is slightly better than the Jets’.
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