Last Week: John Cena decided to reopen his 1001 Schoolyard Jokes book to learn what the kids these days are saying. Also, Mark Henry got his stank back. And CM Punk waxed nostalgic about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What 00s pop culture icon will he ruin…TONIGHT?!
Here’s Edge, of course, because he hasn’t been on this show in forever.
Edge: Hey guys. What show is this? Smackdown? Cool. Cool. How’s it going, SyFy?! Man, it’s weird that there’s all these RAW banners and things.
Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager Demon Girl! And I quote, in all caps “OMFG WHO LET EDGE ON HIS SHOW! LAST TIME HE TOTALLY BROKE MY HELLO KITTY LAP TOP! THIS IS NOT SMACKDOWN!” Then it’s just a fourteen page long string of expletives. You apparently have the crazy eyes.
Edge vs. Tyson Kidd vs. Jack Swagger vs. Drew McIntyre
The Winner gets to Enter the Royal Rumble at #40, Unless It’s Edge, Then He’s Just Still Edge
This is apparently Edge’s “punishment” for breaking that computer whenever the hell that was. Sort of, it‘s a little like punishing your child for breaking a mirror by lashing them with macaroni. I think the RAW GM has a little crush on Edgey. Either that or she really thinks that Tyson Kidd has a shot in hell at winning this thing. I’m more concerned about what happened to Jackson Andrews. Did he die? Did anybody issue an Amber Alert? Edge, shockingly, wins.
CM Punk: That’s great. Smackdown, everybody. Give ‘em a hand. They need it. Anyway, I’ve got these guys following me now, and they keep telling me about how great World of Warcraft, but I’m Straight Edge, which means that I can’t play video games. Or something. I don’t know. There’s a lot of rules, ok? I’ll tell you what I can have. A huge guy who doesn’t know how to talk. Meet my new Festus, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” impersonator Mason Ryan. Mason, shock them with your wit.
Mason Ryan: CHICKENS!
Punk: Well…At least he’s not na or a member of The Corrrrrrrrre, the only all pirate stable in the WWE.
Wade Barrett: Yarr, matey! I tells ya this, shut yer blow hole and give me back ! You scurvy lubber!
Ezekial Jackson: Um…shiver me timbers. Or whatever. Why am I in this group again?
Ezekiel and Mason walk off to the side and share their mutual love for chicken.
Cole: I hate to inform you guys of this, but the RAW General Manager just sent me another e-mail, saying that she really hated NXT and only one group will be allowed into the Rumble match. And Wade and Punk will have to fight it out to see if it’ll be the nXt or nXt Wolfpac.
Punk: Did she really say that?
Cole: No. But she really did say that she hates NXT.
John Morrison and Mark Henry vs. King Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)
Ok. Check. Check. Check. Oh what the hell. I get why Mark Henry is on a constant partner search, he’s been here for years and never done anything of note. Plus there’s the whole thing with his Stank. Buy it now on the Shopzone. But what the hell? Sheamus couldn’t find a partner from this show? Was Yoshi Tatsu busy or something? It doesn’t help that Alberto is a total fella either. What with that ascot and all.
Del Rio is wailing on Morrison out of the break, clearly jealous that Morrison’s actually on RAW. Backstage, Michael Tarver is watching. Which…why? Why is Michael Tarver watching this match? Not one of the nXt matches, not a match he actually has a stake in, but John Morrison and Mark Henry vs. King Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio. Maybe he’s just a big Sheamus fan. What am I saying, nobody is a big Sheamus fan. Oh, what do I care? It’s Michael Tarver! Sheamus misses the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!), but Del Rio follows it up with an Arm Bar, which is still His Friggin’ Move, for the win. No word on what Michael Tarver thinks of all of this.
Melina vs. Natalya
For the WWE Undefined Women’s Title
Melina is a house afire to start, throwing punches and kicks and leglocks around like Michael Tarver is watching. Sorry, Melina, but nobody’s watching this match right now. Well…except me. And I barely count. Plus, I’m not a Neilson Family. Oh, how I wish I was, though. I’d just watch all the worst TV shows, so that everything you like gets cancelled for once. Natalya steps through and locks in the Sharpshooter for the win, nearly bending Melina in half in the process. Lay Cool come out to challenge Nattie for a match at the Rumble, because apparently this feud is still going on. But at least the Diva’s Title is a multiple show title, so it makes sense for Layla and Michelle to be here. Sort of.
David Otunga: Admittedly, I’m more secure about CM Punk winning a match than I ever was about Wade Barrett.
CM Punk: I appreciate that. I think. I’m going to ask you guys a favor. I know that the Royal Rumble is everyman for himself thing, but I want you guys to basically win the match for me. Everybody cool with that? Great. Because not a single one of you has a shot in hell at main eventing Wrestlemania, except me. And even for me it’s kind of an outside shot. I want you all to remember this one word tonight. Justice. As in, at the end of the Rumble, it’ll be just us in the ring. You got something you want to say, fatty?
Husky Harris: Are we going to get something to eat? I’m starving!
Punk: Are we going…Listen to this guy! Are we going to get something to eat?! Mason, tell this guy what you think about that!
Mason Ryan: I like to eat FOOD!
Punk: Ugh. Ok, you two go get some food for us. The rest of us, take a knee and let’s pray.
Michael McGillicutty: Wait! What if you get eliminated before we get to the ring? Then who are we supposed to have win?
Otunga: Well, clearly-
Punk: Clearly I’ve got a back-up plan. Which is to beat up Yoshi Tatsu, put on my luchador mask and enter as Ultimo Dragon.
Ultimo Dragon: That plan-uh is Dragonriffic!
McGillicutty: Yes. That sounds…foolproof.
Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.
WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, you are the referee for tonight’s Wade Barrett and CM Punk match. You hate both guys, so please, explain how this is going to work.
John Cena: First, Josh, I’d like to apologize to our fans last week for all the profanity I uttered. I lost my cool and that’s not a good example to be setting for all our fans out there. There’s a place for poo poo and pee pee and that, kids, is in the bathroom. Not in a promo for millions of fans watching around the world. As for CM Punk and Wade Barrett, quite frankly I’m conspiring to disqualify both of them.
Cena: Yep. Then they’ll both be out of the Rumble. Which would mean we wouldn’t even have 40 guys, so they would probably just give the thing to me.
Mathews: And you’re admitting this. Right now. In a televised interview.
Cena: Yeah. What is anybody going to do about it? Now, I have a question for you. Do you know what Wade’s group is called “The Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre?”
Mathews: I think it’s probably just a trade marking thing-
Cena: I know that guy. That’s my cousin!
Mathews: -every other spelling of the world “Core” was already taken. So, for licensing-
The Miz: That’s not it. They’re gimmick pirates. Weren’t you paying attention at the top of the show?
Mathews: I’m not paying attention right now.
Miz: Well, you’ll all start paying attention to the things I say once I beat Randy Orton at the Royal Rumble! Me and Alex Riley are going to THE MOON!
Cena: You’re not beating Randy Orton. Get the hell out of here, Count Poop Von Doodoohead.
Mathews: Miz is still here? Holy crap. Go away!
The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. Edge
It’s the two champions! There used to be a whole PPV about this! Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero come out to do commentary, because apparently we’ve bypassed the whole “invasion” aspect of this, and we’re just watching Smackdown now. I can’t say as I’m terribly impressed. They immediately start talking about Teddy Long, who apparently is in the hospital with a serious case of Dollah Dollah Bills y’all. My thoughts and/or prayers are with him for a swift recover. Buhleedat.
Seriously though, if you’re going to force me to watch Smackdown, couldn’t you at least give me that JTG vs. Trent Barretta match I’ve been begging for? Not this…Edge and Dolph Ziggler crap. Is Edge really a face, by the way? Why? Edge misses a Spear, but ends up tossing Miz into the crowd anyway. This is progressing like a match from Smackdown vs. RAW or something. Just guys missing moves and then standing up and hitting moves. Let’s let these guys get their heads into the game and we’ll come back.
Dolph and Vickie are now talking about how he’s the new WWE main event, which is awfully sad. But you’ve come a long way from the Spirit Squad, baby! Miz goes for the roll-up, but that’s Not His Move! But that’s fine, because seconds later, Dolph is in the ring and attacking Edge. So that’s a DQ. Randy Orton wanders out and Riley and Ziggler both fall over in fear. Orton wins! But Miz whaps him with the Money in the Bank briefcase and runs away before Orton can beat him too. What in the hell is Miz still doing with that damn thing anyway?
Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Wade Barrett.
WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Wade Barrett, and Wade I have to ask you, “The Corrrrrrrrrrre?” Really?
Wade Barrett: Aye, Josh. I’m a mean and nasty pirate.
Mathews: That doesn’t make any sense. Why not just, “The Core?” That’s a pretty cool name. It’s apropos because arguably you and Heath and Gabriel were “The Core” of and you can think you are “The Core” of WWE. Right?
Barrett: And be compared to that horrible Hillary Swank movie? No way, land lubber!
Mathews: You are the worst group leader ever. Ever.
Barrett: The Corrrrrrrre is a ship with no captain! We’re a crew of blige rats with…um….grog! PREPARE TO BE BOARDED!
Mathews: Are you coming onto me?
Barrett: I…think so?
Daniel Bryan and The Bella Twins vs. Ted DiBiase, Maryse, and Alicia Fox
Nice to see Ted still with Maryse…and Alicia Fox. Wait, are all these guys from RAW? What are they doing on Smackdown? Daniel Bryan is keeping his distance from the Bellas because girls are icky. And these two are a little creepy. Plus he’s totally a vegan. The Bellas spend literally the entire match taking turns trying to have sex with Bryan at ringside. And when he won’t give in to either of them, the get pissed off and job to Maryse. Nobody’s more shocked that Teddy and Maryse’s losing streak is over than Alicia Fox, but forget about that SEX!
The Bella Twins: We can’t believe that a neck beard man like Daniel Bryan wouldn’t want to have sex with us. Generically hot and creepy twins. What is wrong with him? He should be all up ons our crazy go nuts twinage bodies.
Michael Tarver: ‘sup, ladies? I’m just hanging out backstage.
The twins head into Daniel Bryan’s dressing room (HE has a dressing room?!) and find that he is all up ons. All up ons Gail Kim!
Bellas: We are shocked and horrified!
Daniel Bryan: That’s right! You’re scary and creepy, but I’ve been leading you on this whole time while I’ve been having sex with topless cellphone lady here!
Gail Kim: I have a name!
Bryan: Of course you do.
Bellas: Gail Kim? She still works here?
Gail: Shockingly, yes.
Bryan: Let that be a lesson, Michael Cole! Don’t judge a neck beard by its cover…BITCH!
Then Bryan pulls out a wad of $100s and throws them at the ladies, pops his collar, and drives off in a solid gold Porsche.
Michael McGillicutty and Husky Harris vs. Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov
This is a non-title match, because nobody wants to risk the annals of WWE Tag Team Title history forever stained by the name “Husky.” It’s bad enough that Men on a Mission had the belts. Or, for that matter, Santino and Vlad. Santino goes for the Cobra, but Harris gets his move in instead (That’s His Move) for the win. Vlad looks incredibly depressed. David Otunga comes out to introduce the man who sacrificed his entire career to join a stupid group that hasn’t been cool in months and hasn’t played WoW in weeks. That’s right, Mason Ryan. I mean CM Punk.
Backstage, John Cena gives his necklace to Tough Enough Jessie and she’s all happy. But then he takes her shirt, and she’s all sad.
CM Punk vs. Wade Barrett
With Special Guest Referee John Cena and the Loser’s Stable Is Eliminated from the Royal Rumble
Cena throws anybody who isn’t Wade Barrett, CM Punk, or himself from ringside, which creates an awkward rest of the show with no commentators, timekeeper, or camera crew. Then he proceeds to start punching Wade and Punk and pointing at his referee’s shirt to protect himself. This is pretty much WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda’s dream. Every time he referees a match, watch the guy. He wants to beat the crap out of everybody. Danny Davis feels his pain. Finally, the two attempt to have a match, and Cena disqualifies them both for being “doo doo brains.” To be fair, that is in the rulebook. Michael Cole meanders back out.
Michael Cole: RAW General Manager Demon Girl just sent me an e-mail. She hates you all and this match didn’t mean anything pretty much like this entire show. Now John, apologize or we’re going to make you join again.
John Cena: I’m soooooorry.
Then everybody realizes that this is the last RAW before the Royal Rumble, so both the RAW Locker Room and the Smackdown Locker Rooms clear, and everybody comes out to the ring to start brawling. If you look closely, I think you can see Mike Chioda in there wailing away on Zack Ryder.
Sunday Sunday Sunday: The Royal Rumble is, shockingly, won by the 31st entrant: Mike Chioda. Also, Daniel Bryan hang glides into the stadium drinking a martini, has sex with Kelly Kelly Kelly and somehow manages to hang glide back out of the stadium, all while never dropping his drink. And Randy Orton falls over, causing confusion and chaos around the WWE Spinnin’ Title.