Archive for March 2011

RAW Satire for 3/28/11

March 31, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: An epic showdown occurred when CM Punk began his Wrestlemania feud with Randy Orton’s Bus. Also, The Miz was still WWE Champion. No, seriously. Look it up on Wikipedia. And Chris Jericho danced with some “stars.” Maybe we’ll further define the term…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey! It’s CM Punk! Sitting Indian Style in the ring for the worst game of Duck Duck Grey Duck in the history of our great sport.

CM Punk: Hey guys! I know we’re in Chicago, but I want you to try really hard to make me a heel here. For whatever reason, despite the fact that he tried to end the careers of all my friends, and literally turned poor Husky Harris into a mental patient, and all I wanted to do was see his sweet bus and meet his wife. And despite the fact that I’m bigger in Chicago than Oprah. Because I can be a real jerk too! Like…I can ask people for coffee? And I’d probably get it. And I have a stupid hair cut. These are heel things! Kicking people in he head is not! So, anyway…I’M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! That’s all I’ve got. Peace.

But wait! Here’s Randy Orton! He’s out here tonight in defense of his bus! But he’s limping around thanks to the bulky kneepad he’s got on his right knee. Just take it off, dude!

At first, Randy has no problem taking out Punk, as the power of the Bus compels him to exact revenge on Punk for daring to want to meet the “actress” playing his wife last week. But when he goes to kick Punk in the head, Randy can’t properly wind up due to that bulky knee pad, so Punk just knees him in the face and escapes. Geez. Learn to buy better equipment, Randall. You don’t see Sheamus running around in clown shoes. He’d never be able to do his one move! The Finisher of Champions!

Backstage….

Chris Tian: Remember when we were in The Brood?

Edge Tian: Um…Vaguely.

Christian: What the hell ever happened to Gangrel?

Edge: I heard he accidentally choked on his goblet of blood during the filming of his porn opus Miami Rump Shakerz 3D and was never seen again.

Christian: Oh. I heard that he was stabbed through the chest by Van Hammer.

Edge: That makes sense. Hey, do you think I should apologize to Demon Girl for breaking her computer that one time? After all, she is letting us wrestle Alberto Del Rio and professional wrestler G-Rilla tonight.

Christian: Nah, she said you had “those crazy eyes.” That attack was totally justified.

Edge: Fair enough.

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Edge and Chris Tian vs. Alberto Del Rio and G-Rilla (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)

Oh man. You guys remember, like, seven years ago? When this show was still cool? Well, these two used to be the best tag team, right? I am, of course, referring to ADR and G-Rilla. I don’t really remember anything Edge and Christian did other than play a kazoo one time. Edge does a baseball slide into Christian’s back to knock over G-Rilla, which…hurting your partner doesn’t seem to be the soundest strategy, but who am I to judge. Other than being the best judge of wrestling talent and storylines in IWC history. In your face, Dave Meltzer!

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I think WWE Diva Josh Mathews, in between Cole bitching about Lawler, just insinuated that Del Rio and G-Rilla have a…less than professional relationship. I don’t know if I can handle how awesome that would be, show. Thankfully NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE ON THIS SHOW?! Why is this match happening here? Geez. And isn’t the whole point of not allowing ADR and Edge not to touch each other on Smackdown to avoid wasting them like this? Of course they barely touch each other, so the whole thing is moot. Then Edge ignores Chris as he gets the crap kicked out of him by ADR at ringside. I hope that doesn’t come back to haunt him! Edge finally runs Alberto off, but ends up in the Arm Bar (that’s his move!) anyway.

(ads)

I can’t wait to dress up as Sin Cara for Halloween this year. Probably three months after he’s been fired!

Some soldiers are at ringside, trying to get Finlay fired.

Backstage, The Miz does unholy things with the WWE Logo. I think he’s trying to put the F back in!

OMG MICHAEL COLE IS INTELLEGENT ENOUGH TO GET A COMPUTER IN HIS CUBICAL! Not one that makes sounds, but it’s a start.

Michael Cole: May I have your attention please? RAW General Manager Demon Girl is a little creeped out by Jerry “” Lawler. Ok. A LOT creeped out. So she’s going o put him in match tonight against the only guy who creeps her out even more! My best friend Jack Swagger. I think it’s his hair that does it. Anyway. There’s a match tonight.

A long-ass Triple H/Undertaker video! Oh man! Hunter Hearst Helmsley! Stephanie! Old School Gimmickry Undertaker! Bikertaker! Ric Flair! Sheamus! How many random elements can we put in here! Bossman! Hell yes. This video is officially off the hook.

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Justin Gabriel (w/ The Corrrrrrrrrrrrre) vs. Santino Marella (w/ Kane, The Big Show, Vladamir Kozlov and Tamina)

Ok, look, I appreciate More Kane more than anybody. Even if it makes no sense given his character for most of the last year, Kane is awesome no matter what. Isn’t having Tamina at ringside an unfair advantage for Team Santino? Whatever. All I was going to say is that MORE THAN HALF OF THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT ON THIS SHOW! Knock it off, Smackdown! Leave your people over on SyFy! After the match, Vlad looks like a total weird doing the Trombone, but then Kane does it and is immediately the most amazing wrestler in the history of our great sport. We need MORE Kane trombone.

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Someday, I hope to be the celebrity inducted into the Hall of Fame. It’s not going to be on Saturday this year, which is stupid.

Whoever Keri Hilson is will be doing whatever Keri Hilson does at Wrestlemania. Should be a good one.

Oh sure, Undertaker says that there ain’t no grave that can hold his body down. But what if it was made of oatmeal? What then?! Taker cuts off Hunter’s music with a gong, which is the best. They should just shut up and not say anything. Best build up ever. They’re GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! But here to muckity muck things up is World’s Most Embarassing Dad Shawn Michaels what with his beany cap and old man dance moves. Both Hunter and Taker look like they want to beat the crap out of him. Book it!

Shawn Michaels: Guys! Guys! What are you doing? Everybody knows you can not have a Wrestlemania build-up without Shawn Michaels! I’m Mr. Wrestlemania! Why in the hell did you let me sit on my cow couch for a month? I mean that cow couch is awesome, but I don’t get paid for sitting on my cow couch. Actually, that’s kind of a lie. Have you seen my beanie cap and T-Shirt? Who wants to buy some outdoorsy gear? I’ve got outdoorsy gear coming out of my ass up in here, and I want you all to come down to Outdoor Edge and buy some crap. And tell ‘em Shawn sent you because I get 5% commission! So Hunter, what the hell makes you think that you can beat Undertaker on your second try? I sure couldn’t!

HHH: Shawn, you couldn’t beat Undertaker because you’re a character of your former self. You’re just a balding guy who wants to prance around wearing advertisements and go home and sit on your cow couch. With all due respect, by the time Taker retired you, you were pretty lame.

Shawn: A fair point!

HHH: As for Undertaker, you know how I know I’m going to beat him? Because 16 years ago, when I walked into this locker room, there was only one man I feared. One big dog who I knew I had to watch out for. And that was The Mountie. And The Mountie isn’t here anymore. He went back to…Canada or whatever. So now nothing’s going to stop me from beating The Undertaker!

Shawn: Nothing except for the fact that you couldn’t do it when you had the chance a couple years ago.

HHH: What was that?

Shawn: Nothing. Have I tried to sell you a crossbow yet?

HHH: Anyway, have I said how much I love Undertaker yet? Taker, you were my favorite character in the Wresting All Stars arcade game. And every time I turned on WWE Superstars on Saturday mornings, I loved watching you make Ultimate Warrior puke. And I thought to myself, one day, I want that guy to make me puke! But it’s like I told Shawn, here, a couple years ago, “If I ever see a guy who’s career is about to end, I’m going to try to make a quick buck off of that.” So, with all due respect Booger, I’m about to make a couple bucks off ending your career! It’s going to be awesome. And then I’m going to cash in on that by coming out the next night and blowing out both my quads again. And going over Sheamus. Probably in that order. So…yeah. Prepare to be taken out behind the shed and stabbed by Van Hammer. Because if anybody is going to end your career, I’m the one. As in “The One” Billy Gunn. No. Wait. Er…I was on to something there, I swear….

The Undertaker: Hunter, I know this animosity has been building between us for a while now. I am, after all, your wife’s ex-husband. And let me tell you, that if anybody were to end my career, I’d want it to be G-Rilla. But you are a close seventh. Right after Super Porky, but ahead of Eve Torres. But before we get too far into this mutual respect society thing, let me make fun of Shawn Michaels for a second. Shawn, we had two really awesome Wrestlemania matches, and after I retired you last year, I thought you’d go out on a high. I mean…come on. What better way to end your career? I figured you’d take the next train to TNA, and manage Beer Money and flail around bleeding all over everybody for $5 an hour and ten people who thought they were in line for the Batman roller coaster. But you didn’t! Instead you opened a Chuck E Cheese franchise in the worst arcade economy of all time and spent the rest of your days whining to Whyspyr about how much your back hurt while you sprawled out on your cow couch and grew the girliest looking beard I ever saw. So, I guess what I’m saying is, I’d still really rather have a match with you than Hunter.

Shawn loves the idea and loads up the Superkick, but Taker shoves him off and starts to choke him. Hunter is having none of that.

HHH: Shawn! You stupid jerk! Stop being such a wuss and back me up here.

Shawn: I should never have come out here! I miss my cow couch! WAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: I can’t afford a couch! WAAAAAAH!

And then Taker buys a crossbow and leaves.

(ads)

Jerry “” Lawler vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole)

When did they change Lawler’s theme song to something from the “Windows Themes” collection. Are they really going to let Josh Mathews call a match by himself? That’s asking for trouble. I do have to say, Swagger is awfully creepy. And he’s got really long arms. It’s nice to see that Lawler is suffering no ill effects from his beat down last week. In fact, he is feeling so well he just grabs a chair and wails on Jack Swagger for the DQ. Michael Cole helps him celebrate by spraying him with a glass of Diet Pepsi. CM Punk is going to be pissed! I do appreciate that Josh’s technique in calling this epic showdown was…just to not say anything. At all. He’s the best announcer they have!

(ads)

If Hunter can’t control this rowdy bunch of kids on this bus, how will he ever take down Undertaker? And why isn’t his bus as nice as Orton’s?

Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Daniel Bryan and John Morrison

Vickie comes out with Morrison’s entrance, and screeches that Snooki should be used to being on her back. Speaking of people used to lying on their backs, Daniel Bryan everybody! Secret agent by day, even secreter agent by night! Hobbyist professional wrestler and Hoboist professional traveler. It’s a good thing Lay Cool isn’t out here tonight, or they’d have been tempted to Lay Down with Daniel Bryan during his entrance. And then Undertaker would have to come out. And you know what a hassle that is.

(ads)

Sheamus calls Morrison a “Fella” and Morrison is nearly wiped out, but he quickly gets the hot tag to Bryan, who comes in the ring and proceeds to recite Caesar’s Gaulic War both in the original Latin and in Mandarin. Suddenly realizing that there’s a match going on in his vicinity, he locks the LaBell Lock on Dolph, and then on Sheamus. But Sheamus barely notices that Daniel-san is there, and he hits the Razor’s Edge on nothing in particular. But that’s enough. Sheamus wins!

Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with Randy Orton.

Scott Stanford: Randy Orton, that’s a hell of an ice pack you’ve got that there. What can you tell me about it?

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WGN Girl’s Chocolatchip! And Stan Scottsteiner, the question you asker me shouldn’t not be whether I can walk into Wigglestralia, but whether BD Bunk will be waltzing out!

Stanford: Actually, I was just asking you about that ice pack.

Orton: Oh. Yeah. It’s cool.

In the WWE Hall of Fame? How about the Legion of Road Warriors?! What a great honor for Road Warrior Animal and Jon Hrrnrrnrr! What are the chances that they get inducted by Rocco?!

Meanwhile, on the Jersey Shore….

Danny D: Yo! What’s up! I’m in the Background!

Michael Tarver: You tell ‘em!

Trish Stratus: Oh God. I’ve been drinking since mid-February. The pain just won’t go away.

Snooki: Trish here has been teaching me all sorts of moves. She’s quite the accomplished pugilist! I must say! Apparently all the women on this show do is slap each other and roll around on the ground, however. Which doesn’t seem very dignified!

Trish: You know who I miss? A-Train. No idea why, though. That guy was a dick! AHAHA! Get it? Prince Albert? Dick? Oh man. I crack me up.

Snooki: Yes. Well. Time to test out my new sparring techniques on an unwitting passerby!

Snooki slaps Danny D.

Danny D: OW! I knew I should’ve stayed home with Roadkill!

Back in the arena….

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: What’s that? Lay Cool just showed up on what is totally not a set and a fight that was totally not filmed on a completely different day?!

And sure enough, Snooki, Trish, Layla, and Michelle are spilling drinks and rolling around on the floor with each other. Man. Best. Frat Party. Ever. EVER!

(ads)

Backstage….

Ok…never mind.

The Rock: Finally! The Rock has come BACK! To Chicago! And why The Rock agreed to come back to Chicago, I’ll never know. Well, except…do you remember when we used to have Wrestlemania in arenas instead of football fields? Well, The Rock wrestled in his first Wrestlemania in this very stadium! I think a whole four people ordered that PPV. Man, those were the days. Anyway, who wants to join Team Bring It? It’s a simple thing, all about living your dreams, sticking things up asses, and making fun of people! All you need to join Team Bring it is $29.95 and buy the new Team Bring It T-Shirt and fund The Rock’s basement bathroom office renovation project! The Rock is covering the whole thing in millions AND MILLIONS of dollars worth of gold and expensive chachkis! Right now on the Shopzone! THE MERCHANDISING CHAMP IS HERE!

Did Rock just steal a catchphrase? Well then, I think we can all agree that a John Cena interruption is…APPROPOS!

John Cena: Hey look! It’s the Rock! I finally goaded you enough to actually show up and here on RAW and not Snaptown or whatever the hell other show we have. Tough Enough? Well, whatever. You’re here now, and not making some stupid Disney Movie that grosses $5 million about babies fighting off alien invasions or some crap. Rock…I was just kind of disappointed. You made fun of my crappy T-Shirt, which is fine. I mean, you’re the Marketing Champ. But then you had to be all racist about it. And you don’t like the fact that I market my beatings and violent tendencies to children under the age of four. DON’T MAKE ME BATTLE RAP WITH YOU, ROCK! I’LL DO IT! I’LL GO GET THA TRADEMARC AND MC BUMPY KNUCLKES!

The Rock: Is this an appropriate time for an out of place Jesus reference?

Cena: That guy stabbed me once!

Rock: Monkey anus!

The Miz: Ok, you guys. Hoooooly crap. Does anybody remember that I’m in this match? How many times do I need to beat down John Cena before somebody other than Conan O’Brien recognizes that I too am GOING TO WRESTELMANIA~!?

What’s with the giant sweat stains all over the ring? Gross! Somebody get Dolph Ziggler a towel or something.

Miz: Hey, The Rock! Congratulations on your crappy movie career! Good thing your insurance doesn’t cover wrestling anymore! I think you could probably get away with punching Alex Riley here, but that’s about it. I’d take it though, while you have the chance. Cuz I’m the Miz, and I’m AWESOME!

Rock: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! Woah, kinda missed me cue there. A little rusty!

Riley takes a swing at Miz, but misses and nails Rock. That, of course, gets Rocky all fired up, and he lays into Riley. Then he turns on Miz, getting in some classic Rock Punches and a DDT. People’s Elbow! But Cena ends all the 1999 partying with an Attitude Adjustment to Rock. Rock literally can’t see him if he’s been knocked out! Great thinking, John!

Also kind of a dick move.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: FOUR HOURS of Rock cracking jokes about John Cena while Wade Barrett tries to remember that one move he knows. Plus, Snooki becomes WWE Diva’s Champion somehow, even though Eve Torres isn’t even on the card. And the Undertaker and Triple H fight to a draw. 18-0-1! It’s still Hockey Season!

American Idol ’11: Top 11 Perform (Again)

March 31, 2011 American Idol No comments

Last week, Casey Abrams got voted off and then saved, which was either a travesty or an elaborate ploy. And of course they weren’t going to let him get voted off and not go on tour. Are you kidding me? Honestly, I just think they wanted to blow their save so it wasn’t hanging over their heads all year.

This week’s theme? Elton John, which actually totally fits this particular group of Idols. I can’t wait to see Naima come out and explode into a cloud of glitter and African dance. J-Lo’s dress looks like it’s already one step ahead of her. Entertainment Weekly tries to dress the Idols, and somehow Casey still looks Amish as hell. This…Is American Idol!

(Idol Drinking Game for Tonight: Every time Dalton Ross or Jimmy Iovine is extremely catty about the contestants without sounding catty.)

Scotty McCreary
The Song: “Country Comfort”
The Performance:
Entertainment Weekly’s Dalton Ross is the first, and probably last person ever to use the word “elegant” to describe Scotty McCreary. In the studio, everybody basically admits that he can’t do anything but sing the same song over and over and over again, so he might as well just ignore everything else.

Nice pleather outfit, there Scotty. I actually applaud his guitar playing skills, though. He’s no Casey James, but whatever. Shout out to Grandma! You can kind of tell that Scotty’s totally awesome guy and he’s going to do really well after he’s finally kicked off this show. He won’t win, but really, he’s already a winner. Some dude in Nashville’s got the contract already written.
The Judges Say: Hi Grandma!
I Say: Screw it, I hate country music, but I love me some Scotty McCreary.
Score: +4
Change: +1

Naima Adedapo
The Song: “I’m Still Standing”
The Performance:
Before the break, we’re promised a “reggae update on a classic hit” which is a sentence I don’t want to hear, Ryan. Especially not when Naima is prancing around in a Jamaica themed jumpsuit. Naima loves the fashion shoot, because she wants to wear all these outfits at once.

So she’s got a fake Jamaican accent too, which makes her perfect for a No Doubt record, but makes her completely unintelligible for a bunch of the song, and then she hits the chorus and is like “Sing it with me now!” and the crowd is like…”Sing what?” And then she hits 0% of the notes. Which may have been the idea, I don’t know.
The Judges Say: That song was not meant to…do that.
I Say: Naima is like Sanjaya, but I do like jumpsuit.
Score: -4
Change: -1

Paul McDonald
The Song: “Rocket Man”
The Performance:
Paul is, like, “I miss the day when I can only afford the dollar menu and dressed like a hobo!” And then he has the audacity to say, “Well, I covered this song once with my band and it went horrible, so I figured, eh. Why not?” Between those two statements and the Rose Petal jacket, I’m guessing Paul is throwing in the towel tonight.

And then he kind of comes out and sleepily plods through the song. And not like the normal Paul McDonald turning every performance into a weird 1960s pop performance, like he looks like he’s literally asleep. You can actually see Jimmy Iovine’s heart breaking, even though I don’t think he’s there. Steven Tyler says he loves the top 12, so there’s a phantom contestant in here somewhere!
The Judges Say: That was boring, but you can do more with whatever that is.
I Say: It’s always sad to see somebody sort of give up on the competition.
Score: +1
Change: -1

Pia Toscano
The Song: “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”
The Performance:
Pia’s all like, “Fashion shoots? Sounds like a weekend at the Toscano household!” And Dalton Ross gives one of those “read between the lines this girl is a Diva in the worst way but I’m going to say how much she enjoyed the photoshoot!” talking heads. When is Pia going to break out “My Headband?” Jimmy wants to see her become a cross between Fergie and Axel Rose which is…Fergie. Basically.

She promises that this won’t be the samey samey balad that she always sings, but it is, because that’s all she can do. I appreciate the choir that comes out though, because that just makes this even more like an episode of Glee. She’s fine and whatever, of course. I’m just worn out by the robot-ness that is Pia Toscano.
The Judges Say: We’re crying on the inside.
I Say: I am Pia Toscano. Does anyone want to hear my hit song “Only Child?”
Score: +4
Change: +1

Stefano Langone
The Song: “Tiny Dancer”
The Performance:
Stefano does nothing but bitch about his photoshoot and his tight pants and the weird gold couch squares they have the idols sitting on, and then says how much he’s enjoying himself. Jimmy Iovine hates “Tiny Dancer” and wants Stefano to go home so bad for picking it.

I love Stefano’s hair, so that’s one thing. And his pants don’t look THAT tight. But the performance is awful. Jimmy Iovine is right. This song is awful, and if you’re not Elton John, then you’re just going to sound weird singing it. Then he goes over to hit on…Randy? And then J-Lo jumps in because only she can be the tiny dancer. So she loves it, of course. Even though it was just terrible and boring.
The Judges Say: At least your eyes were open the whole time.
I Say: I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I want Gordon Ramsey to come back out and criticize his mom’s cooking again.
Score: -2
Change: -1

Lauren Alaina
The Song: “Candle in the Wind”
The Performance:
Of course she is. Ryan breaks things up by talking about how much Stefano’s dad looks like a bargain basement Howie Mandel (because they’re both bald with a soul patch!) which leads to Howie hyping his new FOX show Mobbed. Which is weird, because I thought ABC had him in their pocket. Sadly, he does not compare this show to America’s Got Talent. Then in the video package, Dalton Ross says that Lauren “Eats the camera up” which is industry speak for “is of average weight, so must be a fatty.”

This isn’t the Diana version, which is a nice change. This isn’t…horrible, even though it feels like she’s kind of rushing it in parts because she’s not the smoothest singer in the bunch, but it’s not horrible. I’m not a huge fan of her dress with the weird giant slit though. Then she kind of comes unglued at the end, but it’s too late for it to be entirely awful. Steven Tyler awkwardly hits on her weird dress. She has nothing nice to say about Randy.
The Judges Say: We actually really liked that.
I Say: Me too, shockingly….
Score: +2
Change: +1

James Durbin
The Song: “Saturday Night’s Alright.”
The Performance:
James is still marking the hell out about meeting Hulk Hogan, and Dalton Ross loves him, which is a nice change of pace. Jimmy Iovine really hates it when people go interact with the crowd apparently, but this show is all about helping James get more comfortable with other people.

This also isn’t really groundbreaking, though I do love that he starts a piano on fire and nearly burns down the Idol stage. I’m also digging the Harry Potter ascot. But this isn’t some earth shattering arena rock performance that he was promising. But still, piano on fire. James awkwardly references Michael Jackson lighting himself on fire, and Ryan whiffs on the reference to shill for Coke. Ryan!
The Judges Say: Sometimes we forget this is a competition.
I Say: Piano on fire. Good or bad, that’s all you need to know.
Score: +4
Change: +1

Thia Megia
The Song: “Daniel”
The Performance:
Thia loves getting dolled up, which is shocking to absolutely no one. Though her dolled up doesn’t look a whole different than Thia normally. But whatever. Jimmy’s advice? Don’t be some melodramatic. She’s 16, dude. Good luck with that…

She is, of course, super melodramatic about the whole thing, in the way that Jordin Sparks was when she was on the show. But Thia’s not as good a singer as Jordin was, so this just comes off kind of boring. And then she goes for the high note and it’s not there so she’s singing in some dog whistle volume for a whole line, which is kind of a hot mess.
The Judges Say: You’re pleasant but sooooo boring.
I Say: Still better than the Pocahontas song.
Score: -2
Change: +/- 0

Casey Abrams
The Song: “Your Song”
The Performance:
Casey thinks photoshoots are awesome because they don’t even bother to tell him to do anything because the general Casey Abramsness of him is incurable. Then he goes to the studio and Jimmy Iovine rips him a new one for being awful, which is probably just a sympathy ploy, but still. Dude. Chill out. Rodney says to shave the beard, so Casey clips, like a quarter inch off of it. Baby steps!

So this is Casey trying to be Elliot Yamin, which is a strategy, I guess. Not a great one, but one that will will probably get you further in the competition than 11th. I’m kind of weirded out by the fact that he’s wearing a random medal. I kind of miss old, weird Casey, but he’s got to play it safe this week. So it’s safe, and ok, and whatever whatever.
The Judges Say: We’re so glad we blew our save on you!
I Say: He played it safe, which is what he needed to do.
Score: +3
Change: +/- 0

Jacob Lusk
The Song: “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word”
The Performance:
How does Jacob Lusk not going last on Elton John week? He IS Elton John! Jacob loves the hell out the fashion shoot. Jacob waxes nostalgic about Mary J. Blige, and she JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE IN THE STUDIO! OMG! It’s totally not set up! He’s crying! That’s just who Jacob Lusk is!

Speaking of who Jacob Lusk is, Jimmy Iovine’s only advice is to not make it too melodramatic, but the problem with that is, that’s the Jacob Luskness of Jacob Lusk. So of course, he’s coming out with insane faces and weird notes for no reason. That’s who he is as an artist. And it’s great, and it’s fun, and sometimes it’s weird and horrible like when he sings out of his back teeth and his lips are in his nose. Tricky Stewart apparently in the house.
The Judges Say: You’re no Robbie Rosen from the elimination rounds, or Pia, for that matter, but that’s great.
I Say: He didn’t go Full Elton, which is too bad, but whatever.
Score: +3
Change: +1

Haley Reinhart
The Song: “Benny and the Jets”
The Performance:
Haley Reinhart in the show closing glory spot. Hahaha…what? Haley’s makeover looks great. Jimmy Iovine wants the piano player to break the piano, which has absolutely zero to do with Haley Reinhart because that’s how little she means to the competition at this point.

Can I make a confession? I actually sort of loved parts of this. This loungy jazzy sort of sexy, but in a weird uncomfortable way is exactly the space that Haley Reinhart inhabits. Like, in any other context, this would be a cabaret show or something. And she doesn’t hit any of the notes really, but it doesn’t matter because nobody cares, and it’s sort of…great? I don’t know. How is it that Haley Reinhart had the best performance of the night?!
The Judges Say: That was all kinds of sexy and awesome.
I Say: She…deserved the glory spot at the end of the night. What?
Score: -2
Change: +1

Bottom Three: Paul McDonald, Stefano Longoni, Naima Adedapo

I think Thia could just as easily be in there as well. Knowing my luck with picking this year, Haley will be going home after weeks of picking her to be voted out on the one week she’s totally awesome. Casey is safe because America’s been dutifully chastised for voting him out.

I just don’t understand anything about Naima, and I admit maybe that’s just because my musical horizons aren’t broad enough, but she just doesn’t bring anything to the table for me.

But Stefano was completely forgettable. I just watched the show, wrote commentary, and I remember absolutely nothing about him except that he was wearing tight pants. Paul has pretty clearly let his attention span drift away from actually competing, and America usually jumps all over that. So there are my two.

Prediction: Stefano Longoni and Paul McDonald

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Karazhan

March 30, 2011 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

Kharazan is a castle/tower built by the Guardian of Tirisfal Medivh. Medivh was a good wizard in his day, but as these things invariably happen, he went insane and got killed, and now his tower is inhabited by all sorts of evil ghosts and demons.

And that wasn’t so bad, actually, because the tower was sealed off after Medivh kicked it. Unfortunately, the Ethereals from Outlands only see dollar signs and old wizard treasure when they heard about the tower, so they cracked it open, and now you’ve got to go in and shut it the hell back down.

Degree of Difficulty: Medium

A lot of the trash hits very, very hard, even now, but none of it is particularly difficult. There’s just a lot of it, as side halls and things are sort of just packed with all kinds of random crappy mobs.

There are a TON of bosses in Karazhan, most of which are entirely optional. The only bosses that you must kill are Moroes, whatever boss spawns in the Opera (which is quite cool), The Curator, the Chess match with Medhiv’s ghost, and Prince Malchezaar. None of them are pressingly difficult, though the Opera event can cause issues for some classes (especially the Big Bad Wolf), the Chess match isn’t for everybody, and Malchezaar can wipe you out if you don’t pay attention.

Special Features:

The Master’s Key to the instance is only available after a lengthy dungeon chain in Outlands, though you can cheese the entrance easily. It’s such a sprawling instance that there’s a teleport at the main gate to every boss room where you’ve killed the boss. And, of course, there’s Attumen’s mount, which is a rare drop from the boss Attumen the Huntsman right inside the first hallway.

Recommended for Levels: 70-71

Karazhan was endgame content for much of Burning Crusade’s lifespan, and as such it became a very popular instance. And it’s not without it’s charms, there’s so much to see and do there, it’s too sprawling to really raid successfully in one go, but definitely worth exploring.

Even now there’s incentive to solo Attumen for his mount, and a lot of retro-raiders like to plow through Karazhan now and then, because it was one of Blizzard’s better made huge raids, and it’s worth checking out once or twice even into 85.

YouTube Monday: Today It Is Monday

March 28, 2011 YouTube No comments

Yes, it’s the video that’s taking over the Internet. The one that CNN called the worst thing to ever happen to the music industry.

So, I’m just going to leave this here.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for March 20 – 26th, 2011

March 28, 2011 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Pay To Fake Hook Up. With a Robot! Cloud, a new app coming to Facebook will create a fake girlfriend for you, put her in another state, and have her post on your wall. This is, of course, totally weird and creepy. I can’t wait!

2. Natalie Portman Is Not a Dancer. In an announcement that shocked no one, Natalie Portman is not a real ballerina. And the real ballerina who danced for Ms. Portman in “Black Swan” wants a friggin’ Oscar or something. Just like stunt doubles…oh wait. Shut up, lady.

3. It’s Like I Can Sort of See Things In 3D! The 3DS launched, with it’s initial library of literally zero AAA titles. And Nintendogs. The 3D is giving some people headaches, but overall it seems like it’s working pretty well.

4. Your Bracket. It Is Busted. For the first time in history, no number 1 or 2 seeded teams are in the Final Four. Instead we’re left with teams like Butler and Virginia Commonwealth (which I’m pretty sure is fake). So that $50 that you put on Louisville winning it all? Well…heh.

5. Some Guy Suing The Browns for Being Millionaires. Ken Lanci, a Cleveland area millionaire, is suing the Cleveland Browns for being a stupid bunch of billionaires and millionaires and ruining his personal seat license for 2011. Well…his heart was in the right place anyway. Well…not in Cleveland.

RAW Satire for 3/21/11

March 24, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Brian Lawler brought shame to his father by existing. Snooki IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! And something about The Rock and John Cena and some other guy? Maybe? I don’t know. Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!

Michael Cole is out and dressed like J.R. for no real reason. Somewhere, Oklahoma is very disappointed at the impression. Here’s Triple H. He doesn’t get special promo music anymore? I sort of miss “King of Kings!” I do, however, like how Lawler and Cole go from being mortal enemies that want to kill each other to Wrestlemania shills in ten seconds flat.

Triple H: Sorry I wasn’t here last week. I forgot it was Monday. Anyway, so Wrestlemania is coming up in a couple weeks, and a lot of people are talking about it. Not about my match in particular, just in general. I heard a Furby was having a match! But yeah, I’ve got a match against The Undertaker. 19-0? 18-1? I mean. Who knows, right? Man, I have literally nothing new to say. Remember when we had a match a few years ago and he beat me? It was pretty awesome. Oh what am I talking about, nobody remembers that match. Anyway, Taker, if you’re out there listening, and I know you’re not, there ain’t no grave that can hold your body down. Except the one that I dig for you. At Wrestlemania. Because I’m going to dig and dig and dig and at Wrestlemania and there will be a grave and…admittedly this analogy has kind of gotten away from me here. I forget where I was going with it.

Ted DiBiase: Does anybody even remember me?! I wrestled Randy Orton and, to a lesser extent, Cody Rhodes at Wrestlemania last year! This year, I’m probably stuck in the pre-show battle royal! If they even do that this year! Ugh. I’m so sick of this crap that I’m going to attack the hell out of you right now, Triple H!

HHH: Um. No.

So Hunter beats the crap out of Teddy. Which is always hilarious. Michael Cole is all offended that this happened, including a PEDIGREE TO DIBIASE~! through the announce table. BY GAWD!

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King Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne

Not for the U.S. Title, lest you think that Evan Bourne deserves a WWE Title. I like the idea of wrestlers being pissed off that they’re not getting as big of pushes as they were last year. Where’s Yoshi Tatsu being all offended about not capitalizing on his big Wrestlemania Battle Royal win last year? Look what that did for Test! Er…wait. Bourne does a backflip onto nobody in particular, and then Sheamus catches him with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win. But wait! Daniel Bryan is out. He tells Sheamus that they’re both GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! where Bryan will part the heavens and attempt to drag a *** match out of Sheamus. King Sham responds with a Bicycle Kick. Still awesome.

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Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with Randy Orton.

Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and I have to say that I’m not sure why I left my sports anchor position in New York to interview you about busses.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WGN Girl’s Chocolatechip. Stan Scottsteiner, I love busts. I ride busts all the time. But seriously. Let me tell you about my 2005 Prevost XLII Entertainer bus. This thing is worth $300,000 and can comfortably seat 12 passengers, making it the ultimate travel bus for today’s road weary traveler. I take my whole family on this bus, making me a better father and travel from arena to arena a breeze! Believe me when I say I would never leave home without it!

Stanford: That was…remarkably understandable.

Orton: You don’t mess with me about my bus, Stan.

Stanford: Anything else you’d like to tell your fans?

Orton: Nope.

Stanford: Well, it’s still not as cool as the DX Express. Back to you, whoever you people are.

Maryse vs. Eve Torres

Maryse gives Eve a round of applause for being so terrible but somehow still managing to cling to a Chocolatechip. Then she says that nobody cares about Eve, which is true. Cole gets back on the mic and explains to Maryse that nobody cares about her either. Lawler, hilariously, tells Cole not to disrespect the women. Hahaha…Oh, Jerry. Maryse says something in French, and WWE Diva Josh Mathews can’t translate it. Maybe that’s why he was never able to work things out with Rue. Eve ends it shortly thereafter, and goes after Michael Cole, but his bubble protects him. Don’t hate him for speaking the Truth! What’s up?

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Did you know, John Cena has raised enough money for Make-A-Wish to send one child around the world 150 times? What about the rest of the kids? That’s selfish!

Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov (w/ Tamina) vs. The Corrrrrrrrrrrrre (w/ Wade Barrett and Ezekial Jackson)

This is non-title, which is stupid, because these guys are still owed a title shot! This is all The Miz’ fault. Vlad’s old man offense is awesome. It’s all light slaps and shoves! Use the head butt! About ten seconds after Vlad gets the hot tag, he gets pinned by Justin Gabriel. What the hell good is having Tamina out there? Maybe that’s why The Usos were so keen to get rid of him. But you know what this show needs? A LITTLE MORE KANE! Kane and The Big Show run out (ok, jog out) (or walk slowly out) and take out The Corrrrrre as retaliation for…Oh, who cares. Kane! They’re GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! Wait. Why is Kane a face again? He was just evil!

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So you know how John Cena has been bitching about Rock never appearing on RAW except via satellite for the past zillion weeks? Well guess who’s appearing on RAW via satellite…!

John Cena: Yo. Yo. This is a serious Yo. I know what you’re all thinking, my house looks a lot like a set, with a weird fake fern and a bunch of crappy posters. I mean, Rock at least is live in his basement bathroom/office. But, all I can say is that I want all the T-Shirt sales from that “I Bring It Via Satellite” shirt. That was my idea, Rock! And I’ll see you in person so that we can build up our epic feud on the Road to Wrestlemania. And also, probably something to do with The Miz. Maybe. If there’s time.

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Michael Cole and Jack Swagger are dancing around in the ring. Where’s The Legal Eagle?

Michael Cole: So you all remember when I had Grand Master Sexay come out here? That was just last week! Man, I should’ve gotten Scotty 2 Hotty. But Lawler was cheaper, to be honest. That guy hasn’t had a job in years! I mean at least Jerry “” Lawler has held a pretty consistent job. Except when he quit to defend the honor of his wife Stacy Carter. How’d that work out for you by the way? Anyway, you know what really gets a feud brewing? Baby pictures! Who wants to see some pictures of Jerry when he was a baby? They’re just cave drawings of him hitting on some embryos, but still. And hey! Here’s a picture of Jerry Lawler’s dad! He looks like the kind of guy who would have a son who would grow up to be a greasy old creeper. Your whole family is a bunch of boring old hicks. At least I can wake up every day and know that I’m Michael Cole!

Lawler gets out of his chair and decks Swagger, but stupidly falls for the old run around the ring until your opponent’s ally clothesline’s you. Didn’t you, like, invent that in Memphis, there Jerry? Geez. Swagger locks in the Ankle Lock and lets Cole have a piece of that too. That’s the same move that almost ended Scotty 2 Hotty’s career! Synergy! Cole’s ankle lock is better than Swagger’s! And probably Kurt Angle’s!

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Now play a twenty minute promo video for Snooki! She owns Monday Night RAW!

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero and Lay Cool) vs. John Morrison (w/ Trish Stratus)

Trish is probably soooooooo glad she came back for this crap. WWE Diva Josh Mathews is awesome, because he just completely nosells the fact that his announce partners just tried to kill each other. “What ankle lock, I’ve got to shill for Jersey Shore!” Michelle McCool is about 85% torso. Cole still is not intelligent enough to have his computer in his bubble yet. RAW General Manager Demon Girl is sick of waiting until Wrestlemania for this crap so she wants to see it RIGHT NOW! Eh. Why the hell not. Layla scores bonus points for laughing about trying to save Trish, and then IMMEDIATELY switching to sucking wind when she realizes the camera is on her. Kudos, gov’na!

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Dolph Ziggler, Vickie Guerrero and Lay Cool vs. John Morrison and Trish Stratus

I can’t tell if this is a step up yet for Trish or not. I’m going to say “No.” She still looks weird though. Maybe if she put her hood back up. Remember when half the show revolved around the various machinations of Trish Stratus? That was a looooong time ago. Cole and Josh argue about the many and varied differences between the Divas and Womens titles. Well, one looks like it was designed by the people behind the My Little Pony reboot, for one. How can they ruin the Pony Universe canon like that? It spits all over the established Ponyverse! Vickie beats Morrison, as is apt to happen. Trish cries on the outside of the ring. Somewhere, Chris Jericho is dancing a literal jig.

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Did you know WWE accidentally friended your mom on Facebook one time? They‘re sorry.

I’m really excited to see these two masked jobbers wrestling Sin Cara in this video package when they debut!

Here’s a bunch of guys talking about Triple H and The Undertaker from their various cow couches. Hey! Arn Anderson! Ricky Steamboat is still alive! Cool! Steve Austin has…some kind of Cow Steering Wheel. Which is amazing. Booker T lives in a gym. Shawn Michaels would like to know if you want to buy a crossbow. Chris Jericho says, “I’m on Dancing with the Stars right now! Dancing a jig!” Dusty Rhodes says, “Wfulubbidy doo if you wheeel!”

Randy-

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Randy Orton vs. Rey Misterio

I surely hope that nothing happens to Randy’s awesome bus that has his family in it! Scott Stanford would be so disappointed! This video package of Orton attacking The New Nexus (Same as The Old Nexus but Newer!) makes me miss Husky Harris. Like…a lot. That poor guy. WWE’s awesome production crew are the only ones who can shut Randy Orton up. So I haven’t seen Rey in, like, eight years. How’s he been? Still head butting children, I see. Oh no! CM Punk is in Randy Orton’s tour bus! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Michael Cole cannot believe that somebody could be so dastardly! Punk whacks Orton in the ankle with a wrench. Randy Orton’s fake wife has not gotten any better at acting! She might be worse! CM Punk specifically says that this attack was for McGillicutty, Otunga, and Mason Ryan. Screw you, Husky Harris!

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Michael Cole is still very serious. On the other hand, here’s Alex Riley.

Alex Riley: The Demon Girl found out how much Miz hates me…so she hired me back! Here’s Miz!

The Miz: I know how jealous you all are of my pink shirt and sparkly purple tie. Don’t hate. So I don’t know if you all know this, but Wrestlemania is two weeks away, and I’m in a match. The Main Event in fact. I know, you all think it’s John Cena vs. The Rock, but it’s not! It’s really not! And hey! I’ve won more WWE Titles than Ted DiBiase! And I’m better at wrestling than Andre The Giant! And I’ve been on TV more than Maven! So…Yeah. Somebody should probably pay more attention to me. Because I’m flipping the WWE logo so it looks like an M. The M is for Mongoose!

Then he unveils the WWE title. Hey! Somebody remembers that it spins!

Miz: Ok. You have to admit this is still less stupid than Jeff Hardy’s vanity TNA belt.

John Cena (via satellite): I can’t believe we’re still using that belt! Anyway, I can think of other words that begin with M! Milk! Mangos! Maple syrup! Actually that’s two words, but that’s also on my grocery list. And hey! Guess what?! This fakey looking set? This isn’t my home! It’s a fakey looking set! In fact, look at me, now look at Alex, now look back at me. I’m holding a fish. Now look at the fish! THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Cena is actually in the ring! Miz throws a table at him. But Cena avoids it and locks the STFU on Riley. Miz doesn’t really care so he bails.

Next Week: The Rock! Miz! John Cena! One Arena! None of them will interact at all! Plus, Trish Stratus continues her entirely worthwhile return by jobbing to Hornswoggle. And the epic confrontation we’ve all been waiting for as CM Punk takes on Randy Orton’s bus, one on one.

American Idol ’11: Top 11 Perform

March 24, 2011 American Idol No comments

Everything’s black and white! We should do a whole show like that! It’s “old songs” night. With these kids, it’ll all be stuff from 1980. Oh, I’m sorry, the theme is actually Mo Town. Well good thing we have a racially diverse cast. Oh wait. This…Is American Idol!

Stevie Wonder was awesome when he was 12. So let’s babble about Berry Gordy for a while, and then throw it to Randy Jackson, because Ryan is RACIST! Or not. I don’t know. J-Lo looks like a Bratz doll. Paula is probably really jealous! Steven Tyler also looks like a Bratz doll, oddly enough. Arwen is there! If you want Stefano, Come and Claim him!

(Idol Drinking Game for Tonight: Every time you can tell Randy really wants to say “pitchy” but doesn’t because even he is annoyed by the catchphrase.)

Casey Abrams
The Song: “I Heard it Through the Grape Vine” by Marvin Gaye
The Performance:
Hey! He didn’t almost die this week that I know of! And the transition from Nirvana to Marvin Gaye makes total sense. Casey looks like a crazy awesome Rabbi. Why isn’t he playing bass? Just so he can dance through the crowd?

Random violins in with the judges! crazy hipsters! We’re distracting as much from the performance as possible! It’s not that it’s bad, he sort of kills it. It’s just, not as crazy or out of control as his other performances have been to date, which is too bad. But I love it still. Ryan is hitting on Casey’s hipster friends. It’s all very sweet.
The Judges Say: You can only do you and that you is you!
I Say: I also heard it through the grapevine.
Score: +3
Change: +1

Thia Megia
The Song: “Colors of the Wind” by Martha and the Vandellas
The Performance:
Taking the judge’s advice never works out well for these girls. At least she’s not singing about blue corn moons anymore or whatever. And I sort of love her disco ball necklace and earings and her 50s skirt. It’s a whole ensemble.

The actual song? Sounds like something that, if it were last year, Simon would’ve called an “amusement park performance.” It’s inoffensive and good enough to be called “Good” but not really good enough for her to be, like, in a singing contest or anything.
The Judges Say: Well, hey! There was something different.
I Say: It certainly was, but was that really a good thing?
Score: -2
Change: +/- 0

Jacob Lusk
The Song: “You’re All I Need” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
The Performance:
Jimmy Iovine basically says, in no uncertain terms, “If Jacob doesn’t have this shit on lockdown, I don’t know what we’re going to do.” And he’s wearing a peach suit and pink silk shirt, and pink tie and black pants, and it’s like a creamsicle just died on stage.

He forgets about the third word he sings, which is awful, but then he hits the chorus and goes full Jacob, and it’s all awesome except when he sings like a frog, but then it’s back to being awesome within five seconds. Steven Tyler literally comes on to stage to kiss Jacob Lusk. Which says nothing about the performance, but it really was great. Ryan immediately begins pimping out Jacob for his own pleasure.
The Judges Say: You know what was wrong with that performance? NOTHING!
I Say: Except how he forgot that one word, but other than that? Yeah!
Score: +2
Change: +1

Lauren Alaina
The Song: “You Keep Me Hanging On” by The Supremes
The Performance:
Nobody embodies the spirit of Motown less than Lauren Alaina. Except maybe Scotty, but we’re not that far yet. Her turtleneck in the video package looks like a neck brace. Live, she’s got the only dress ever made entirely out of dead Zubaz.

She does hit a pretty cool note right at the start, , and then she almost trips over her dress on her way to hump Randy. The pacing is all over the place, but I actually blame the band for that, because she soldiers on, but the guitar isn’t keeping up with her at all. J-Lo’s head bobbing is really passive aggressive for some reason. Maybe they were her Zubaz.
The Judges Say: That was much better than it had any right to be!
I Say: She was way better than the band. Ricky Minor come back to us!
Score: +1
Change: +1

Stefano Langone
The Song: “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie
The Performance:
Ryan is hilarious as he almost spits out Stefano’s mom’s garlicy pasta. And how have you never heard “Hello?” I don’t even like this song, but I’ve heard it 8 billion times. Stefano wearing the period appropriate Miami Vice white suit. Ryan gives him one last piece of advice, “Keep your eyes open!”

Stefano immediately closes his eyes! Awesome! NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING ANYBODY SAYS ON THIS SHOW! I love the hobbit band they hired for this performance. Can they use props? He should be sculpting Steven Tyler’s face on a pottery wheel, while he closes his eyes. I couldn’t even pay attention to this.
The Judges Say: You are a good singer and an awful performer.
I Say: Too bad this is a season where performers are going to win.
Score: -1
Change: +/- 0

Haley Reinhart
The Song: “You Really Got a Hold on Me” by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
The Performance:
Gordan Ramsey think’s Stefano’s mom’s pasta is God awful, and she cries. Awesome. Best moment of the series so far. Otis Williams in his bedazzled hat and coat of 18 patches is better dressed than anyone here. Even Haley in her miniskirt and Stefano’s coat.

I don’t get this at all. I’m apparently missing out on the whole Haley Reinhart experience, because this is just the same boring performance that she’s given every other week. And she forgets to say “Tighter” so she just says, “Eghuuh.” And then she kind of hits the last note, but not really. Standing ovation!
The Judges Say: We all want to feel you.
I Say: I just…I don’t understand anything related to this.
Score: -3
Change: -1

Scotty McCreary
The Song: “For Once in My Life” by way of Stevie Wonder
The Performance:
Oh dear. So…Can we convince anybody that Travis Tritt is Motown? I’m a big fan of Scotty McCreary Karaoke Hour with Jimmy Iovine. And also random basketball and ping pong antics. Scotty, by the way, is dressed like Scotty McCreary.

This is…just hilarious. I don’t know. Scotty is all, “Theme weeks? Fuck theme weeks!” and so there’s harmonica playing and he’s just drawling out a country song with the lyrics to “For Once in My Life.” Hell yes. I love it when contestants do this. Fuck you, theme weeks! Scotty McCreary is literally the best contestant.
The Judges Say: That was terrible. But in an amazing way.
I Say: See Haley, this is how you do terrible performances on this show. Awesome.
Score: +3
Change: +1

Pia Toscano
The Song: “All in Love Is Fair” by Stevie Wonder
The Performance:
Pia is literally a machine. Whereas Scotty is all, “What am I going to do with Motown?” Pia is “Oh, I’ve been singing this since I was four months.” With everything. Gregorian Chant Week. Pia: Oh, yeah, my mom and I used to Gregorian Chant on my way to Kindergarten.

At least her dress is nice. But for reals, we’re all well aware that this is just Lea Michelle in some bad make-up right? Because she basically has the exact same voice and bitch attitude about it. And this is a fine performance and whatever. But I just don’t care. Whatever.
The Judges Say: You’re amazing, and really boring! Do something different.
I Say: Why do all her friends look exactly the same? She’s friends with octuplets?
Score: +3
Change: +1

Paul McDonald
The Song: “Tracks of My Tears” by Smokey Robison and the Miracles
The Performance:
Paul is actually from the 1950s, so he fits right into this theme. I love the specifically placed watch chain that you can’t see anyway because he’s playing guitar. Do you suppose that he just shows up to hair and make-up and just says, “Nah, I’m good”?

I still have nothing to say about Paul McDonald’s actual performances though. They’re fine in that Burt Bacharach mold where he would’ve been huge when this song originally came out fifty years ago, but right now he’s barely relevant, but he’s still cool. And old. In fact, when Ryan suggests he get the cougar vote, Paul laughs because he, in fact, is older than most cougars.
The Judges Say: You are so weird it’s like a different competition with you and Casey.
I Say: The smile on his face does look out of place!
Score: +2
Change: +1

Naima Adedapo
The Song: “Dancing in the Street” by Martha and the Vandellas
The Performance:
Oh, I’m in no mood for Naima Adedapo’s particular brand of shit right now. I appreciate that she’s dressed in a period appropriate gigantic pair of pants and 8000 bracelets. But even the production staff just looks miserable.

She hits approximately 5% of the actual notes, but otherwise sounds pretty much like your crazy aunt singing at a wedding, and then she wastes a full third of her time convulsing onstage while awesome drummers drum. There’s a time and a place for crazy African dance. This is nooooot it.
The Judges Say: You did a good job waiting until the end to dance.
I Say: They actually liked that? Well…Maybe I have no idea what’s going on.
Score: -3
Change: -1

James Durbin
The Song: “Livin’ for the City” by Stevie Wonder
The Performance:
James shares awkward air fist bumps with a bunch of old people, and is generally afraid of human contact. And then he’s onstage, and he’s dancing through the crowd and goofing off with dancers. I’m more fascinated by the fact that Jennifer Lopez is super aware of the TV monitors, and immediately starts dancing whenever she sees herself on them.

Performance-wise it’s fine. Not really the “shining moment” Jimmy Iovine promised us, but not exactly that last hot mess either, you know? I like this kid quite a bit. J-Lo is reduced to a twelve year old girl. His high note is high, and his dancing is bad. He’s like the boy Siobhan Magnus!
The Judges Say: We’re rooting for your crazy ass.
I Say: Me too, this Aspergers wonder gives hope to all of us internet trolls.
Score: +3
Change: +1

Bottom Three: Naima Adedapo, Haley Reinhart, Thia Megia

I don’t know if America is ready for African dance breaks. I still think Naima is sticking around, and she’s pretty interchangable with Stefano here.

Thia is on thin ice, but I think she’ll probably get a pass for one more week. Next week she’ll probably go back to Disney and she’ll be out.

So, for the third week in a row, I’m going to guess that Haley is going home. Every year we have one of these crazy cockroach contestants that lasts 18 weeks longer than they should (Tim Urban!), but we’re quickly running out of people that Haley is better looking than, so….

Prediction: Haley Reinhart

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Gruul’s Lair

March 24, 2011 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

The lore around Gruul is actually a terrible and unfortunate misunderstanding. The guy is actually one of our best friends in Outlands. He’s known as
“The Dragon Killer” because his favorite thing to do is kill black dragons. You know. Our enemies. In fact it’d be nice to have him around now, don’t you think. If you hadn’t murdered him, you jerks.

See, Gruul’s sons are kind of assholes. They’ve taken over the Ogre tribes and kind of mucked things up, especially in Blade’s Edge, where the Alliance and Horde are under assault from his sons The Gronn. So our solution? Kill it all, of course! Including poor, poor Gruul.

Degree of Difficulty: Hard

The trash leading up to Gruul is fairly easy by today’s standards, though still tricky at level and a bit beyond. They are either standard warriors or priests, with Burning Crusade level health.

There are two bosses here, Maulgar, an ogre with a bunch of adds and some pretty hard hitting casts, and Gruul, of course. The big guy hits hard (plus his DPS ramps up continually through the fight), does an AoE similar to Mag’s, has a knock back, a stun, and a silence. All really annoying abilities.

Special Features:

Killing Gruul used to be a part of the attunement for Serpantshrine Cavern, which is why a lot of people used to do it. It’s not anymore though.

Recommended for Levels: 68-70

Gruul’s lair was considered a slog even back when it was high end raid content. Just another box to check off on your way to SSC. Hardly anybody raided it for the gear or for fun.

Honestly, it’s more of a test than anything else, nowadays. Can your DPS ramp up match Gruuls? Or will you get spattered like paste by a boss from two expansions ago? It’s worth a try, but not much else. Pass on it.

YouTube Monday: Pony Effect

March 21, 2011 YouTube No comments

If anything good will come out of the newly updated “Anime-ized” My Little Pony (it won’t) it’s how quickly it’s turned into a billion internet memes and videos.

My favorite of the bunch so far is turning the original trailer for Mass Effect 2 and bringing it into the My Little Pony universe.

It’s scary, and honestly a little sad, that Commander Shepard and company turn into happy bouncy little ponies.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for March 13th – 19th, 2011

March 21, 2011 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. March Madness! Oh yeeeeeah, dig it! Oh, That doesn’t say “Macho Madness.” I’m more than a little disappointed. Anyway, upsets abounded at the big tournament including #1 Pittsburgh. Your bracket? It is busted.

2. AT&T Really Wants Those iPhone Customers Back. AT&T reached a preliminary agreement last week that will let them buy-out competitor T-Mobile, in the hopes that they can use T-Mobile’s network to crush Verizon in the Smartphone market. Unfortunately for AT&T, no one has used T-Mobile since 2005.

3. EA Loves Its Own Games. Electronic Arts got in trouble this week for having staffers write positive online reviews of Dragon Age 2. In EA’s defense, Dragon Age 2 is a good game that is suffering greatly from not being Dragon Age: Origins, and a lot of people are bitching online for no reason and without having played the game. So, balance. But yeah. Be better at hiding it.

4. Wonder Woman Is Making Herself Available. The costume for NBC’s Wonder Woman reboot was unveiled this week, and one thing is for sure. Adrianne Palicki is going to be the most attractive girl at her sorority’s bondage theme night. But Wonder Woman? Uh…no.

5. Some Animal Died. Knut, the German polar bear that was raised entirely by humans died this week. No word yet on the cause of death, but my guess is that it died of being just too cute.

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