Last Week: Brian Lawler brought shame to his father by existing. Snooki IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! And something about The Rock and John Cena and some other guy? Maybe? I don’t know. Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!
Michael Cole is out and dressed like J.R. for no real reason. Somewhere, Oklahoma is very disappointed at the impression. Here’s Triple H. He doesn’t get special promo music anymore? I sort of miss “King of Kings!” I do, however, like how Lawler and Cole go from being mortal enemies that want to kill each other to Wrestlemania shills in ten seconds flat.
Triple H: Sorry I wasn’t here last week. I forgot it was Monday. Anyway, so Wrestlemania is coming up in a couple weeks, and a lot of people are talking about it. Not about my match in particular, just in general. I heard a Furby was having a match! But yeah, I’ve got a match against The Undertaker. 19-0? 18-1? I mean. Who knows, right? Man, I have literally nothing new to say. Remember when we had a match a few years ago and he beat me? It was pretty awesome. Oh what am I talking about, nobody remembers that match. Anyway, Taker, if you’re out there listening, and I know you’re not, there ain’t no grave that can hold your body down. Except the one that I dig for you. At Wrestlemania. Because I’m going to dig and dig and dig and at Wrestlemania and there will be a grave and…admittedly this analogy has kind of gotten away from me here. I forget where I was going with it.
Ted DiBiase: Does anybody even remember me?! I wrestled Randy Orton and, to a lesser extent, Cody Rhodes at Wrestlemania last year! This year, I’m probably stuck in the pre-show battle royal! If they even do that this year! Ugh. I’m so sick of this crap that I’m going to attack the hell out of you right now, Triple H!
HHH: Um. No.
So Hunter beats the crap out of Teddy. Which is always hilarious. Michael Cole is all offended that this happened, including a PEDIGREE TO DIBIASE~! through the announce table. BY GAWD!
King Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne
Not for the U.S. Title, lest you think that Evan Bourne deserves a WWE Title. I like the idea of wrestlers being pissed off that they’re not getting as big of pushes as they were last year. Where’s Yoshi Tatsu being all offended about not capitalizing on his big Wrestlemania Battle Royal win last year? Look what that did for Test! Er…wait. Bourne does a backflip onto nobody in particular, and then Sheamus catches him with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win. But wait! Daniel Bryan is out. He tells Sheamus that they’re both GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! where Bryan will part the heavens and attempt to drag a *** match out of Sheamus. King Sham responds with a Bicycle Kick. Still awesome.
Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with Randy Orton.
Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and I have to say that I’m not sure why I left my sports anchor position in New York to interview you about busses.
Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WGN Girl’s Chocolatechip. Stan Scottsteiner, I love busts. I ride busts all the time. But seriously. Let me tell you about my 2005 Prevost XLII Entertainer bus. This thing is worth $300,000 and can comfortably seat 12 passengers, making it the ultimate travel bus for today’s road weary traveler. I take my whole family on this bus, making me a better father and travel from arena to arena a breeze! Believe me when I say I would never leave home without it!
Stanford: That was…remarkably understandable.
Orton: You don’t mess with me about my bus, Stan.
Stanford: Anything else you’d like to tell your fans?
Stanford: Well, it’s still not as cool as the DX Express. Back to you, whoever you people are.
Maryse vs. Eve Torres
Maryse gives Eve a round of applause for being so terrible but somehow still managing to cling to a Chocolatechip. Then she says that nobody cares about Eve, which is true. Cole gets back on the mic and explains to Maryse that nobody cares about her either. Lawler, hilariously, tells Cole not to disrespect the women. Hahaha…Oh, Jerry. Maryse says something in French, and WWE Diva Josh Mathews can’t translate it. Maybe that’s why he was never able to work things out with Rue. Eve ends it shortly thereafter, and goes after Michael Cole, but his bubble protects him. Don’t hate him for speaking the Truth! What’s up?
Did you know, John Cena has raised enough money for Make-A-Wish to send one child around the world 150 times? What about the rest of the kids? That’s selfish!
Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov (w/ Tamina) vs. The Corrrrrrrrrrrrre (w/ Wade Barrett and Ezekial Jackson)
This is non-title, which is stupid, because these guys are still owed a title shot! This is all The Miz’ fault. Vlad’s old man offense is awesome. It’s all light slaps and shoves! Use the head butt! About ten seconds after Vlad gets the hot tag, he gets pinned by Justin Gabriel. What the hell good is having Tamina out there? Maybe that’s why The Usos were so keen to get rid of him. But you know what this show needs? A LITTLE MORE KANE! Kane and The Big Show run out (ok, jog out) (or walk slowly out) and take out The Corrrrrre as retaliation for…Oh, who cares. Kane! They’re GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! Wait. Why is Kane a face again? He was just evil!
So you know how John Cena has been bitching about Rock never appearing on RAW except via satellite for the past zillion weeks? Well guess who’s appearing on RAW via satellite…!
John Cena: Yo. Yo. This is a serious Yo. I know what you’re all thinking, my house looks a lot like a set, with a weird fake fern and a bunch of crappy posters. I mean, Rock at least is live in his basement bathroom/office. But, all I can say is that I want all the T-Shirt sales from that “I Bring It Via Satellite” shirt. That was my idea, Rock! And I’ll see you in person so that we can build up our epic feud on the Road to Wrestlemania. And also, probably something to do with The Miz. Maybe. If there’s time.
Michael Cole and Jack Swagger are dancing around in the ring. Where’s The Legal Eagle?
Michael Cole: So you all remember when I had Grand Master Sexay come out here? That was just last week! Man, I should’ve gotten Scotty 2 Hotty. But Lawler was cheaper, to be honest. That guy hasn’t had a job in years! I mean at least Jerry “” Lawler has held a pretty consistent job. Except when he quit to defend the honor of his wife Stacy Carter. How’d that work out for you by the way? Anyway, you know what really gets a feud brewing? Baby pictures! Who wants to see some pictures of Jerry when he was a baby? They’re just cave drawings of him hitting on some embryos, but still. And hey! Here’s a picture of Jerry Lawler’s dad! He looks like the kind of guy who would have a son who would grow up to be a greasy old creeper. Your whole family is a bunch of boring old hicks. At least I can wake up every day and know that I’m Michael Cole!
Lawler gets out of his chair and decks Swagger, but stupidly falls for the old run around the ring until your opponent’s ally clothesline’s you. Didn’t you, like, invent that in Memphis, there Jerry? Geez. Swagger locks in the Ankle Lock and lets Cole have a piece of that too. That’s the same move that almost ended Scotty 2 Hotty’s career! Synergy! Cole’s ankle lock is better than Swagger’s! And probably Kurt Angle’s!
Now play a twenty minute promo video for Snooki! She owns Monday Night RAW!
Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero and Lay Cool) vs. John Morrison (w/ Trish Stratus)
Trish is probably soooooooo glad she came back for this crap. WWE Diva Josh Mathews is awesome, because he just completely nosells the fact that his announce partners just tried to kill each other. “What ankle lock, I’ve got to shill for Jersey Shore!” Michelle McCool is about 85% torso. Cole still is not intelligent enough to have his computer in his bubble yet. RAW General Manager Demon Girl is sick of waiting until Wrestlemania for this crap so she wants to see it RIGHT NOW! Eh. Why the hell not. Layla scores bonus points for laughing about trying to save Trish, and then IMMEDIATELY switching to sucking wind when she realizes the camera is on her. Kudos, gov’na!
Dolph Ziggler, Vickie Guerrero and Lay Cool vs. John Morrison and Trish Stratus
I can’t tell if this is a step up yet for Trish or not. I’m going to say “No.” She still looks weird though. Maybe if she put her hood back up. Remember when half the show revolved around the various machinations of Trish Stratus? That was a looooong time ago. Cole and Josh argue about the many and varied differences between the Divas and Womens titles. Well, one looks like it was designed by the people behind the My Little Pony reboot, for one. How can they ruin the Pony Universe canon like that? It spits all over the established Ponyverse! Vickie beats Morrison, as is apt to happen. Trish cries on the outside of the ring. Somewhere, Chris Jericho is dancing a literal jig.
Did you know WWE accidentally friended your mom on Facebook one time? They‘re sorry.
I’m really excited to see these two masked jobbers wrestling Sin Cara in this video package when they debut!
Here’s a bunch of guys talking about Triple H and The Undertaker from their various cow couches. Hey! Arn Anderson! Ricky Steamboat is still alive! Cool! Steve Austin has…some kind of Cow Steering Wheel. Which is amazing. Booker T lives in a gym. Shawn Michaels would like to know if you want to buy a crossbow. Chris Jericho says, “I’m on Dancing with the Stars right now! Dancing a jig!” Dusty Rhodes says, “Wfulubbidy doo if you wheeel!”
Randy Orton vs. Rey Misterio
I surely hope that nothing happens to Randy’s awesome bus that has his family in it! Scott Stanford would be so disappointed! This video package of Orton attacking The New Nexus (Same as The Old Nexus but Newer!) makes me miss Husky Harris. Like…a lot. That poor guy. WWE’s awesome production crew are the only ones who can shut Randy Orton up. So I haven’t seen Rey in, like, eight years. How’s he been? Still head butting children, I see. Oh no! CM Punk is in Randy Orton’s tour bus! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Michael Cole cannot believe that somebody could be so dastardly! Punk whacks Orton in the ankle with a wrench. Randy Orton’s fake wife has not gotten any better at acting! She might be worse! CM Punk specifically says that this attack was for McGillicutty, Otunga, and Mason Ryan. Screw you, Husky Harris!
Michael Cole is still very serious. On the other hand, here’s Alex Riley.
Alex Riley: The Demon Girl found out how much Miz hates me…so she hired me back! Here’s Miz!
The Miz: I know how jealous you all are of my pink shirt and sparkly purple tie. Don’t hate. So I don’t know if you all know this, but Wrestlemania is two weeks away, and I’m in a match. The Main Event in fact. I know, you all think it’s John Cena vs. The Rock, but it’s not! It’s really not! And hey! I’ve won more WWE Titles than Ted DiBiase! And I’m better at wrestling than Andre The Giant! And I’ve been on TV more than Maven! So…Yeah. Somebody should probably pay more attention to me. Because I’m flipping the WWE logo so it looks like an M. The M is for Mongoose!
Then he unveils the WWE title. Hey! Somebody remembers that it spins!
Miz: Ok. You have to admit this is still less stupid than Jeff Hardy’s vanity TNA belt.
John Cena (via satellite): I can’t believe we’re still using that belt! Anyway, I can think of other words that begin with M! Milk! Mangos! Maple syrup! Actually that’s two words, but that’s also on my grocery list. And hey! Guess what?! This fakey looking set? This isn’t my home! It’s a fakey looking set! In fact, look at me, now look at Alex, now look back at me. I’m holding a fish. Now look at the fish! THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Cena is actually in the ring! Miz throws a table at him. But Cena avoids it and locks the STFU on Riley. Miz doesn’t really care so he bails.
Next Week: The Rock! Miz! John Cena! One Arena! None of them will interact at all! Plus, Trish Stratus continues her entirely worthwhile return by jobbing to Hornswoggle. And the epic confrontation we’ve all been waiting for as CM Punk takes on Randy Orton’s bus, one on one.