Archive for April 2011

YouTube Week Continues: More Dull Kombat

April 27, 2011 Video Games, YouTube No comments

Actually, I love Mortal Kombat. The whole series, even the really, really, really, especially awful games. It’s just such a weird series with a goofy mythos that alternately takes itself super seriously and not seriously at all.

But anyway, if you even like Mortal Kombat, then you’ll probably see a little bit of yourself (or a lot of yourself) in this video series where two guys talk Kombat.

And if you’re a raging neckbeard who paid $30 for a strategy guide that features exciting screenshots of what a “Punch” might look like for every character in the game, there’s this guy:

YouTube Week Continues: Booking the Royal Wedding

April 27, 2011 YouTube No comments

It’s YouTube Week here on the Hock Show, as I continue my vacation from writing or doing anything in particular.

That means no Idol recap this week (I’m sorry! If it makes you feel any better, I think Jacob or Haley is probably marked for elimination no matter what they do).

Anyway, England is big in the news this week, because the Royal Wedding is happening, and everybody’s talking about it. Who will be wearing what? Will Kate say “obey?”

But I’m more interested in TV. “Britain’s Got Talent” is going right now, and every year they have some weird international story like Susan Boyle or Paul Potts. This year, like us and Idol, they’re suffering from a severe lack of Simon Cowell (and the old Irish guy), but they trudge on with…The Hoff? Oh dear.

Anyway, my picks for big stories this year? A Scottish Guy singing nursery rhymes:

(Embedding disabled by YouTube and the BBC, unfortunately, so you’ll have to click, dammit.)

Or this weird guy dancing.

YouTube Monday: Old News

April 25, 2011 YouTube No comments

This is an old video, but since I actually am going to be waking up in Vegas, I don’t care.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for April 17th – 23rd, 2011

April 25, 2011 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Happy Spring Holiday! Whatever you’re celebrating, whether Easter or Passover or whatever, I hope you had a wonderful one. I love you all.

2. I’m Taking Over for Michael Scott. The end for Steve Carell on The Office is nigh, and talk has turned to his potential replacement, which is apparently the hottest job in Hollywood. The big name to throw his hat into the ring this week? Jim Carrey, who will apparently get a trial run next season.

3. PSN Is Even Awful…er…Than Normal. Playstation Network Sony’s (let’s face it, awful anyway) online service has been down for more than a week now, and Sony’s blaming hackers. After that lawsuit about hacking PS3s? Why I never!

4. Ohio State Keeps Digging Deeper. The NCAA is after Ohio State, specifically head football coach Jim Tressell. Tressell admitted to investigators that he lied about not knowing that his players were selling their equipment for cash and items. He’s already suspended for 5 games, but the NCAA isn’t letting this go, and every other coach they pursued like this? Got fired. Soooo….

5. Paula on The X-Factor. In a move that everybody’s been expecting since Simon Cowell pouted about how much he missed Paula for two years (and Live to Dace was so awful) Paula Abdul is in talks to join Simon’s new old show, “The X-Factor.” Paula is said to be completely unaware of this turn of events.

RAW Satire for 4/18/11

April 22, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Edge made the shocking statement that he could no longer take any of this crap. Also, Five Random Dudes wrestled for a shot at The Miz, but nobody actually won. And Triple H had the best American Lucha Libre match in a hundred years. Maybe he won’t struggle to beat Primo…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Cheerio, neighbors! We are live in London, England! How do you do? How do you do? Bananarama in my pantaloons? How do you do! It’s R-Truuth!

R-Truth: How do you do, London?! I said, “How do you do?” No, I can’t believe that I was in a number one contender’s match either. I mean, yeah, I won the TNA Title, but geez…That’s TNA. Anybody could win the TNA title. I mean, friggin’ R-Truuth won the TNA title and…wait….Anyway, I’m ready to win the WWE Title and be the most fightingest champion in WWE history! I’ll fight Youshi Tatsuu in somebody’s backyard if that’s what it takes! Hell…I’ve done that!

Jouhn Mourrison: Hey…Am I out of the doghouse yet? Because I’m sick of having to sit here and pretend that Triush Stratuus is awesome, and Meulina isn’t having sex with everybody else on the roster right this second as we speak.

Truuth: Man, even I know that you don’t screw around with WWE Legend Triush Stratuus. And I’m R-Truuth. Man, I’ve really got to stop insulting myself.

Mourrison: Is there anybody who actually believes you’d be better for the PPV than me? I mean if I wasn’t hated and reviled by every former wrestler with a Twitter account? You’re lazy, out of shape, you drink water, and don’t use napkins. And you just repeat the same stupid catchphrase over and over again. “How do you do?” Are you high? Because everyone knows you “smoke.” “Cigarettes.” Which are filled with “weed.”

Truuth: I see what you’re doing! You’re trying to cut a bad promo so that they get so desperate that they send a referee out here and we have to have a match! And then by some coincidence of bad booking, we fight for my spot at the PPV, which is the only way you’ll get a WWE Title shot until Triush opens up another doomed yoga studio in Canada.

Mourrison: Yeah, pretty much.

Truuth: That sounds like something I’d be stupid enough to fall for. Get us a referee!

Mourrison: Seriously though, folks, the good wrestlers and interview guys will be out here later. I swear! Stay tuned!

R-Truuth vs. Jouhn Mourrison
For R-Truuth’s Number One Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Wow, that was the most awkward intro to the show since the time we opened with 20 minutes of the camera pointed at the floor while Haurvey Whiuppleman and Paut Pautterson argued about who killed the cameraman. Or the time Seaun Could Vaul Veunis started the show speaking in Spanish. Truuth bails almost immediately to go get himself a bottle of water. Oh, man! Don’t you know not to drink the water when you leave the United States?! You don’t know what they put in the water over there! You’ll probably go bald or get bad teeth or something. How do you do?

(ads)

Michaeul Coule and Jium Rouss are on commentary, arguing the finer points of coming back from the ad break. No kidding. Which, of course, transitions into Coule claiming he’s never seen somebody drink water before. Then Lauwler says that Coule’s cage stinks, and Coule says that joke was old in 1995…when Coule was apparently living in a cage. All of which is 100x more interesting than this match. Though it sort of makes me miss that Screauming Houwler Mounkey we used to have on commentary. What ever happened to that guy? Mourrison hits his move, but gets the pinfall anyway. This is like WWE saying: “Hahaha! In your face Thou Interneut! We worked you all! We know R-Truuth is terrible, and Jouhn Mourrison was never in the doghouse!” How do you do? Truuth then attacks Mourrison for being just as awful as he is, really, in the grand scheme of things. Man, apparently drinking water in England makes you turn heel. Better than diarrhea at any rate. Truuth enjoys a nice smoke. Ah, now he’s in flavor country!

(ads)

Evaun Bouurne vs. Doulph Ziuggler (w/ Viuckie Guuerro)

Doulph got a haircut, so he looks…like Coudy Rhoudes. I cannot tell you whether or not this is an improvement, except that his theme song makes absolutely zero sense now, because he doesn’t even bare a passing resemblance to Cuurt Heunnig anymore. He also has Viuckie as his personal ring announcer like Albeurto Deul Riou, so apparently he wants nothing more than to go back to Smackdown. K-Mart again! The Brits are confused about what the hell that is! Evan is distracted by their distraction, and misses the Air Bouurne, which is just the opportunity that Doulph hits Cross Rhoudes for the win.

(ads)

Here’s a video package of Eudge, who was apparently really only skilled at hurting himself and wearing awful hats according to this package. But I’ll still miss you, fatty.

Miuz has a new T-Shirt, which I guess I could see wearing if I ever joined a 50+ softball league.

Thou Miuz: I’m not going to bitch about the fact that Jouhn Mourrison (who is terrible) was added to my match at Extreme Rules. In a steel cage no less. Mourrison is awful! That will make the match even easier! But I am going to bitch about making me valet for Aleux tonight. That’s ridiculous! I’m the WWE Spinnin’ Champion! I valet for no one! So, WWE RAW GM Demoun Giurl, get on your typing machine and let’s have an apology.

Aleux Riuley: Um…Miuz…first of all, we taped this hours ago, so chances are that she can’t be watching this live to respond to your pouting. And secondly, It’s 2 p.m. in America right now, she’s probably in school. Or at least, she should be!

Miuz: Well then get me a chair. I’m going to sit here for five hours and wait for the American audience to catch up.

(ads)

Still waiting….

Miuz: -and that’s the third time I wet my pants in front of the Real World house. But it wouldn’t be the last. Oh no. In New Orleans, a season I wasn’t even on, by the way, I-

Aleux Riuley (w/ Thou Miuz) vs. Siun Caura

Interrupting a promo? Soooo like Triuple H! Michaeul Coule rightly points out that Priumo Coulon isn’t really on the same level as Aleux Riley. Hey! Here’s Jouhn Ceuna! Gotta love it when he…forces his way into low level feuds. Remember when he used to hang out with Criume Tyume? Me neither! Before Caura can Pedigree Ceuna for daring to ruin the awesome twenty minute match he was about to have, Coule gets an e-mail. He gets overseas service on that thing? Aw man! Lucky! I bet he’s paying through the nose for it though. And Riuley is right! Demoun girl should be in school! No texting while the teacher is trying to tell you about the Emancipation Proclamation, Missy!

Michaeul Coule: So guess what? I guess this is going to be a tag team match. I totally didn’t see this coming.

Thou Miuz and Aleux Riuley vs. Siun Caura and Jouhn Ceuna

It’s just like Ceuna to try to steal Siun Caura’s thunder isn’t it? But I guess it’s just like Siun Caura to use his backstage influence to try to get himself into main event feuds instead of working with the likes of Youshi Tautsu on “Internet Superstars.” So it’s Ceuna and Riuley to start now, much to the delight of…well…nobody. I thought one guy might have been kind of jazzed about it, but I think he just got a particularly good piece of London Broil and decided to scream at the top of his lungs about it. Ugh, this is going nowhere fast.

(ads)

Still Ceuna in control, so obviously the ad break didn’t help matters much. Coule manages to correct himself, amazingly, when he points out that he’s on every show, so the draft means absolutely nothing to him. Which is just really depressing when you stop to think about it. At least he isn’t on Internet Superstars. Ah the dulcet tones of Scoutt Staunford and…That other guy? Siun Caura tags in. High Knee! Knee buster! Knee drop! What varied and amazing Mexican offense! Thrill as Miz and Riley have to stand in one place for an hour while Caura tries not to bust his quad. Ceuna with the Attitude Adjustment on Riuley, and then Siun Caura hits the PEDIGREE TO ALEX RILEY~! for the win. Springboard karate chop! Ok, Huunter, now you’re just showing off. Wait, who is that in the crowd?! Legendary British Wrestler Thou Suuperflouus Uu!

Thou Suuperflouus Uu: Siun Caura! Beware! The end is near!

(ads)

Why does Awesoume Koung hate dolls? And what crazy name will WWE give her? My money is on Sheiula.

Euve Tourres vs. Niukki Beulla (w/ Brieu Beulla)

Niukki is the one without the title. According to the Beullas, Brieu isn’t beholden to defend the title on Smackdown, even though it’s…also a Smackdown title. I’m not going to pretend to understand the rules. I’m still stuck on why K-Mart is running this tour. Coule and Lauwler spend the entire match arguing about who’s more skeevy. Really, guys, it’s pretty much a tie. Though, Coule only looks like he’d show up on To Catch a Predator, if you know what I mean. Euve gets the win with a roll-up. That’s…her…move? I think? Probably.

(ads)

Hey! It’s Michaeul Coule! And Coule, as for your claims that no WWE Superstar has ever been knighted, what about the late Sir Oliveur Huumperdink? Or Siur Mou? Was Oscaur ever knighted? Hell, Sir Williaum Reugal is still on the roster! I think!

Michaeul Coule: You know who would be an awesome witness for my knighting? An American American, Jauck Swaugger! Because nothing says more about medieval monarchy tradition quite like Jauck Swaugger.

Jauck Swaugger: Apparently, we’re friends again? Ok. I don’t get why that match was made last week. Oh. So apparently, I was supposed to read this scroll. But…I can’t read cursive. So here’s this guy, and he’s going to get knighted by some dude or chick or lady? Here she or he is!

Is that the same lady who always plays Eliuzabeth on WWE TV for the past thirty years? Awesome. And no, I don’t mean Eliuzabeth. She died. Anyway, the crowd is super jazzed, because not only is this the British National Anthem (being used in a comedy segment?! SOMEBODY FIRE FIUNLAY!)

Queen Elizabeth: You realize Michaeul, that you won’t be able to do much with the title of knight, because you are not a member of the Commonweath. But whatever. If it’s good enough for Bouno it’s good enough for you. I now pronounce you Sir Michaeul Coule of Wimperville on Dickshire. You can be my date for the Royal Wedding!

Then they make out.

Coule: All right, now that that segment is over like R-Truuth and Jouhn Mourrison, let’s make Jium Rouss and Jeurry Lauwler kiss my feet!

True to feet kissing form, Coule has some sort of blood pudding or something smeared on there. Remember when Jeurry used to do this, like, every week? He gets suckered in, and Swaugger tosses Lauwler over the wall (but not before he helpfully tells the camera guy to get out of his way. Always thinking with his heart, that Jeurry “” Lauwler!).

Then Swaugger and Coule rub JR’s face in Coule’s blood puddingy foot. Oh man. Humiliating J.R. never gets old. Even if you have to fly him around the world to do it!

(ads)

Sauntino Maurella vs. Sheamuus

WWE Diva Joush Mauthews is out on commentary. Sheamuus asked for this match, apparently, because he remembered that Sauntino invited Sheamuus to a tea party last year when they were in England. Really? How in the hell do you remember that? OH MY GOD! What’s smeared on Michaeul Coule’s foot isn’t blood pudding…it’s…Continuity! This is a game changer! Or maybe not. Maybe it’ll just make guys remember tea parties. Either way. Even though he’s the face, Mauthews takes great pleasure in making fun of J.R. As we all do. Sheamuus with the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win.

Backstage, CM Puunk is looking for his multi-colored scarf. Raundy Oruton is looking for the Sorting Hat to see which show he’s supposed to be on.

(ads)

CM Puunk vs. Raundy Ourton

So I guess Punk didn’t die after all. I guess he just forgot to show up last week. Hey, it happens to the best of us. I forget to show up pretty much every week on RAW. I love the British crowd, because they can’t help but over-pronounce “Raundy Ourton” but have absolutely no issue with “CM Puunk”. It’s the best accent in the world. Right after Iceland. Isn’t that right, Bjourk? Puunk starts to fall over, but he regains his footing, much to the consternation of Ourton.

(ads)

Why is WWE RAW Referee Jauck Doaun refereeing this? Not that I don’t like the jazz man, but what, is WWE RAW Referee Miu-miu-miu-miu-miiiiiiiiiiiiiuke Chiouda too good for us or something? Geez. The crowd now chanting for various moves. Awesome! I love you British crowd! Chant for them to do a Dragon Suplex! Or maybe an armbar! Punk should drink Pepsi during his matches like Truth drinks water. Are they still a sponsor? I don’t remember anything since 2004. Literally. I have no idea who these two dorks are. Houbo Bauggins and Doulph Ziuggler go to the top, and Houbo gets Superplexed for his trouble. Ourton rolls Puunk up for the win! Hahahaha! This night has been so damn weird. I don’t think Ouurton has ever won a match when the guy didn’t fall over. Here’s Thy Neuw Nexuus (Now 20% Newer!) out to beat Ourton down! Special spotlight on Mauson Ryaun, because he’s vaguely English! Rock Bottom! Mauson actually calls the guys off because he wants to punt Ourton in the head, but Puunk calls HIM off because he wants to do it. But on the way to the punt, Puunk falls over. Ourton Wins! Thy Nexuus is a bunch of idiots.

Next Week: Back in the good old USA, where we’re not attacked constantly by random vowels. The Miuz learns all about the glass ceiling when he jobs to Siun Caura. And R-Truuth gets assaulted by lung cancer.

YouTube Supplemental: Perform This Way

April 22, 2011 YouTube No comments

I’ve got a big trip coming up, so unfortunately I can’t spend too much time in Azeroth this week. New WoWW coming soon though, I promise. Like, within a few weeks.

To tide you over, here’s the controversial Weird Al song, which Lady Gaga swears her manager wouldn’t let her hear before her manager shut him down, but more likely she told Al to shove it and he went on the internet to complain and Gaga said “No! Not the Internet!” and then let him release it.

So yeah, it’s just like the Coolio thing, except back in the day, Coolio didn’t have the Internet.

(Note: Coolio may still not have the Internet)

American Idol ’11: Top Seven Perform

April 21, 2011 American Idol One comment

Last week, we said goodbye to Paul and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Jumpsuits. His next stop? Probably the Bachelor. “Jenna, I give you this jacket with a rose sewn on it, as a symbol of our fake love.”

Anyway, this week is “21st Century Songs” which is sort of awesome, because not only is it broad, but it’s way more relevant than “60′s Week” or “The Music of Bjork” theme weeks. So, to introduce the themes…Here’s everybody we voted out. There’s a reason we got rid of all these weirdos, Idol!

They’re performing Pink’s “So What” and it’s hilarious, because they sound awful together, and it’s ALL girls, except poor Paul, who looks completely lost out there. And then Naima almost kicks poor Thia’s head off. That was totally worth bringing them back out right there, I’m sorry I doubted you. Mark Ballas! “Why did Pia get kicked off? WAAAAH!” And J-Lo is like, “Oh…Naima…wonderful.” Heh. THIS…Is American Idol!

(Idol Drinking Game for the Night: Just get tanked by drinking every time Jimmy Iovine or Wil.i.am says something derogatory about the contestant or the music industry.)

Scotty McCreary
The Song: “Swingin’” by LeAnn Rhimes
The Performance:
Jimmy Iovine has given up on trying to get Scotty to do anything than sing boring country songs well, so he just zombies out until Scotty says that he wants to turn this into a Circe de Solie show. Because that is the mystery of Scotty McCreary. Then Jimmy makes some sexually charged jokes about Pussy Cat Dolls, and things get kind of weird because…Dude’s 17.

But to be fair, this song is about promiscuous sexuality, so…I guess it’s alright. Uptempo really doesn’t fit Scotty’s voice because he never really gets a chance to get into his deep voice. But he does hit his standard sitting on the steps pose and hold his mic like it has some sort of disease, so at least he got all that in there. KEYTAR! HELL YES! Scotty just won the night for bringing out a keytar guy. Randy loves it.
The Judges Say: Ok, dude, now we’re getting bored.
I Say: Didn’t really work for his voice (whaaaat?), and I wanted to see Circe de Soliel!
Score: +4
Change: -1

James Durbin
The Song: “Uprising” by Muse
The Performance:
Everybody makes fun of James’ scarves. James wants to do a song with a little more meat to it than “Heavy Metal” so he’s going with Muse, which is sort of great. He’s Adam Lambert and David Cook homeschooled a baby. Jimmy Iovine is violently in support of not doing some weird shit nobody’s ever heard of.

A marching band and a patchwork military coat, which is sort of awesome. He’s getting all breathy, but not in a good way. Like he can’t breath. Vocal moduation! In a singing competition. Oh, James. Drums right in the ears of the judges! J-Lo looks pissed, like, legitimately she’s going to stab James. Performance of the night! Seriously, the arrangement and visuals are way cool, it’s just too bad that he can’t keep up vocally, because this could’ve been his Idol “moment” (it may still be, the vocals just aren’t that great). J-Lo loves it. All is forgiven.
The Judges Say: That was sort of unbelievable.
I Say: Vocally it was sort of weird, and he couldn’t stop coughing afterwards, but visually and arrangement-wise? Off the charts.
Score: +7
Change: +1

Haley Reinhart
The Song: “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele
The Performance:
Stefano and Haley are totally having sex. Jimmy Iovine just rolls his eyes, because this song isn’t from the 80s, and so he doesn’t have much to work with. Hayley knows what’s up though because she’s got a short skirt and…wind chimes.

There are so many songs lately that fit her voice, but Adele is selling like hot cakes right now, so might as well take advantage. Weird twin backup singers. Woah. It’s like Children of the Corn up in here. This is fine, but after James it’s kind of boring, and Haley-ish. She’s way better than she was earlier this season, but she’s not on the echelon of some of these other people.
The Judges Say: This is totally the direction you should go when you don’t win this show.
I Say: Who knew that somebody who started out so terrible could make herself a middle of the pack runner?
Score: +1
Change: +1

Jacob Lusk
The Song: “Dance with My Father” by Luther Vandross
The Performance:
Everybody’s commentary on Jacob is, “Wow…this dude is soooooo gay.” So, this is the problem with Idol. Everybody says, “You sound like Luther! You sound like Luther!” so the next step is to sing Luther. But it shouldn’t be! You should avoid it like a plague, Jacob. Because otherwise, you just end up sounding like a karaoke version of the song you were just trying to sing.

And Jacob sort of knows this, so he lays down a guilt trip about how it’s Luther’s birthday and this song is for his dad who died. And it’s all very sad, but this show isn’t about those things. Except when they do “Idol Gives Back.” And then Jacob starts out and he’s already breaking up and singing badly, and forgetting the words and taking out his ear piece. I do like his suit, though. Shiny! He does kind of pull it together towards the end, but not enough, really.
The Judges Say: That was good, but good isn’t good enough.
I Say: I told you! Don’t sing like the guy who you sing like.
Score: +3
Change: -1

Casey Abrams
The Song: “Harder to Breathe” by Maroon 5
The Performance:
Casey makes fun of himself in his own video package. And then is the only one self aware to make fun of other people in his package too. Which is why I love him. He’s Mark Ballas’ favorite Idol. In your face, Pia. Mark is Ryan’s favorite dancer. So there. And Casey mocks Jimmy Iovine, who loves it because that’s just the way Jimmy is.

The gimmick here is that he’s starting out slow, turning the song into a sort of rap, and then when the chorus hits he sings like Maroon 5. It sort of works, in a “here’s a college jam band” sense, which is sort of what Casey is. He’s a literal manifestation of a college jam band. It’s not great, or even really record-able, but it’s enjoyable and digestible. And then he goes over to the judges’ table and kisses J-Lo. Marc Anthony will cut him. Steven Tyler just starts swearing all over.
The Judges Say: We’re going to just be all atwitter about Casey kissing J-Lo.
I Say: Casey is not a recording artist really, but he’s still awesome.
Score: +5
Change: +1

Stefano Langone
The Song: “Closer” by Neeyo
The Performance:
The video package about Stefano is just about how boring he is, and how his hormones are basically out of control. I was really hoping Stefano would sing “Friday.” It’s the number one song in the country! Jimmy Iovine starts swearing like he’s Steven Tyler because he wants Stefano out of this show.

Dude is just hopping up and down on the balls of his feet and he’s out of breath. AHHHH! Children of the Corn singers are back. And then he just sort of stops singing words like this is a concert. Which it is…but it’s also a singing competition. So, it’s probably a good idea to…you know. Sing. At some point. Not just run around and say, “Oooo!” every ten minutes.
The Judges Say: You really took your time singing the verses there.
I Say: Should’ve sung “Friday.”
Score: -4
Change: -1

Lauren Alaina
The Song: “Born to Fly” by Sarah Evans
The Performance:
Mia Tyler totally looks like she’s in a biker gang now. When did that happen? Everybody makes fun of Lauren, but in a nice way. Then Jimmy Iovine backtracks about ten miles to appologize to Miley Cyrus for being such a jerk to her last week. Rock Mafia (two middle aged white people, of course) are Miley’s people, and Lauren is deathly afraid of them. Probably because of all the plastic surgery.

Fiddle man fiddles, as he is want to do. And Lauren is dressed like she’s showing pigs at the county fair, in a jean jacket, white blouse, unflattering skirt and cowboy boots. She’s still very pretty, but that outfit…ugh. Vocally, it’s probably the most recordable performance of the night. The song isn’t any great shakes, but she did a good enough job.
The Judges Say: Sometimes you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, and that’s great.
I Say: She’s pretty good. Not great, but pretty good!
Score: +3
Change: +1

Bottom Three: Jacob Lusk, Stefano Longoni, Haley Reinhart

I think Scotty might be in trouble too, because that was a pretty forgettable performance at the top of the show. The only one who is really really safe this week is James.

Haley and Stefano have been skimming along the bottom for a long time, but while Haley was pretty weak this time, she’s been consistently stronger than Stefano. Stefano was just awful this week.

But my guess, shockingly, is Jacob. He has the perfect storm of a stagnant fanbase (who will assume he’s safe), a screw up, preachy commentary (for a few weeks now), a poor performance, and he did a song by an artist that he already sounds too much like. America is willing to forgive a few of those things, but not all of them. I think Jacob peaked too early, and now he’s headed the way of Pia.

Prediction: Jacob Lusk

YouTube Monday: MOooooortal Kombaaaaaaaat

April 18, 2011 YouTube No comments

This week sees the “relaunch” of the Mortal Kombat series on PS3 and X-Box 360. They’re essentially dumping the canon from the previous series (yes, there *was* canon, and it actually was fairly complex!) and starting over with the same set of stock characters.

But this isn’t really about that. This is about Michael Jai White and Jeri Ryan apparently having nothing better to do than make Mortal Kombat webisodes in their spare time based off the joke trailer they made last year.

And for this sort of thing, it’s not that bad. Take a look.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for April 10th – 16th, 2011

April 18, 2011 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Who Wants to Buy an Indie Game? Valve tempted gamers this week by selling an Indie game pack with the promise that if you play it enough Portal 2 will release (a few hours) early. It didn’t really work, because though sales of the games were way better than normal, I think Valve vastly overestimated how many people who want to play Portal, also want to play “The Ball” for 1,000 hours.

2. Turns Out Online Gambling Is Still Illegal. The FBI shut down basically every online gambling site running in the US this week, including heavy hitters like Poker Stars and Full Tilt Poker, freezing players out of hundreds of thousand dollars in cash. On the plus side, maybe now ESPN can show something other than poker for 16 hours a day.

3. Playoffs Playoffs Playoffs. The NBA, NHL, and for whatever reason lacrosse (which may very well be more relevant at this point) are into the playoffs. Who will win? Will anyone be paying attention?! Stay tuned! Unless…I stop following it.

4. Edge Retires. I intentionally kind of glossed over this in the Satire, but I think it’s wonderful that a guy got out before he killed himself. Finally a wrestler took the advice “You should really retire before you ruin the rest of your life” seriously. I’ll miss him, but seriously, good for him.

5. Wii 2? Nintendo is hiring a whole heap of new engineers to work on something called “Project Cafe” which is thought to be the next hardware console from them. Presumably some sort of HD/3D hardware on the level of the 360 or PS3, maybe a bit higher. As long as I get 18 more Mario Party games. I don’t care.

RAW Satire 4/11/11

April 15, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: John Cena and The Rock booked a match for a year from now, showing that they either have a lot of faith or are just really really stupid. Also, Triple H threw out a challenge to a dead guy, because…what the hell, right? And four guys ended up going about two thirds of the show, so let’s see if we can squeeze in some more promo time…TONIGHT

(Opening Credits)

Is it bad that not only do I know that Michael Cole is not undefeated, but that his prior WWE loss came in a tag team title match, where his partner was (DUN DUN DUN) Jerry “” Lawler? Dare I hope John Cena will shed some light on this?

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO!

Guess not.

Cena: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bookin’ matches for Mania,
Drop ‘em like they’re hot,
Plan a year in advance,
To guarantee my spot!

Cena taking on The Rock!
A dream match come true!
It’s better than our Plan B,
John Cena versus Yoshi Tatsu!

A million things can go wrong,
A year is a long long time, dears,
But one thing I already know,
THE CHAMP WILL BE HERE!

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Hoster of the NWA Girls’ Chocolatechip! And Joe Cedar, I don’t know where you get offered making matches for Wigglestralia 2021, but-

John Morrison: I don’t want a WWE Title Shot, I just wanted to come out here and apologize to Trish Stratus. I didn’t friggin’ hug you. Geez. I’m soooooo sorry. Don’t be such a bitch, man.

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! I think we’re all forgetting who the current number one contender to The Miz’ Spinnin’ Title is.

Cena: Yoshi Tatsu?

Orton: R-Gilla?

Morrison: You?

Vickie: No! Sheamus, duh!

Dolph Ziggler: Hey! I should get the shot. And the line starts right here at my crotch.

R-Truth: What’s up? I just saw a bunch of guys standing out here and I thought I should find out what’s up. What’s up, Dolph? Bananarama in your pants? I know what’s up.

Michael Cole: Hey, dudes. I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl, who wants nothing more than to see her arch nemesis The Miz lose his WWE Spinnin’ Title. And you all make great arguments for why it should be you. She was particularly impressed with R-Truth’s “What’s up?” defense. So you’ll all fight in a gauntlet match, which John Cena will probably win, no doubt, because the rest of you other than Orton are all lame. Then she threw in a random jpeg of a crying kitten.

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You know what’s an awesome gimmick for a debuting Superstar? Playing with dollies. I’ve missed you so much, Husky Harris.

Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) vs. Eve Torres
For the WWE Undivided Divas Title

Eve Torres draws on Nikki in marker to distinguish between the two of them, thereby making her the most intelligent wrestler in the history of our great sport. If only Dean Malenko would’ve thought of that in 1997, he wouldn’t have lost 18 straight matches to the Vilanos. Wasn’t one of them super fat and didn’t look anything like the others? Vilano Ocho or whatever. That one was my favorite. And then one was just Jeff Jarrett. Nikki gets kicked out of the ring trying the switch, making her the stupidest wrestler in history, but we all know stupidity in this sport is immediately rewarded, so Brie hits her move in the confusion (That’s Her Move!) for the win! We have a new Diva’s Champion! I’m trying really hard to show how much I care with exclamation points!

Backstage, Michael Tarver is mystified (MYSTIFIED!) by Sin Cara getting dressed. Which is honestly…kind of creepy, man.

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Backstage….

Gail Kim: Sorry about what happened out there, Eve. Real bummer that.

Eve Torres: Serious question, do any of us have a personality? Other than “Currently Holding” or “Not Currently Holding” the Divas Title?

Gail: I…am…Asian?

Eve: Congrats.

Nattie Neidhart: Sorry about what happened out there, Eve. Real bummer that.

Eve: See?! Exact same conversation ten seconds later. My God…I think we’re mindless automatons!

Tamina: Sorry about what happened out there, Eve. Real bummer that.

Eve: STOP TALKING TO ME!!!

Gail: We all have distinct personalities, right, Tamina?

Tamina: I…am…vaguely Samoan? Sort of?

Gail: See? Totally different.

Sin Cara vs. Primo Colon

Ok, Sin Cara is totally just Triple H in a mask. Holy crap! Primo! I forgot all about that guy. What’s up, Primo? You should’ve come out and got yourself a WWE Title shot earlier! Jerry Lawler goes absolutely nuts over Twix while Michael Cole talks about how much he loves Sin Cara’s ringwork from AAA. Daniel Bryan agrees. So…Sin Cara hits amazing high flying moves, like…Jumping. And then jumping over the ropes. And…selling for Primo. Well, he’s got at least one up on everybody else in the locker room there. K-Mart is sponsoring WWE’s trip to Scotland? Do they even have K-Mart in Scotland? I have to have at least one European fan left right? Let me know. I need to know this. Knife edge chops! Only Triple H can get away with that! Further proof! Sin Cara is taking about twenty minutes too long to beat Primo, frigging Colon. Then he falls off the top rope. Oh dear. PEDIGREE TO PRIMO~! finishes things for the win.

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Hey, The Corrrrrrrrrrrre! They’re not on this show!

Wade Barrett: We know, we know. We’re not on this show. So it turns out that, collectively, we’re not bigger stars than The Rock and John Cena. Who would’ve thought it. Oh wait. That’s right. Me. As I remember it, attacking Rock and Cena was all Justin’s stupid idea. Don’t you guys remember when I was the leader when we were in ? We actually main evented a couple PPVs! Now look at us? Appearing as nothing but cannon fodder on a show we’re not even supposed to be on!

Justin Gabriel: Wade, don’t be stupid. And you haven’t talked like a pirate, this whole time. Y’arrrrrr!

Heath Slater: I have literally nothing to add here, on account of me being so boring, mateys!

Ezekial Jackson: Is this a good time to point out that I don’t get the whole pirate theme of our group? I mean, sure, Justin because he’s South African. And Wade, because there were a lot of British Pirates, and don’t get me wrong, I love plundering booty and walking the plank and rum as much as the next guy. But what the hell is with the pirate thing?

Santino Marella: You guys-a think your team-a is so lame-a? Well let-a me introduce-a you an even-a lamer team! We’re-a Team Apple-a! Named after-a mid-90’s recording-a artist Fiona Apple-a! Daniel Bryan-a! Evan Bourne-a! Mark Henry-a! The worst-a collection of Superstars-a I could possibly-a think of!

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Team Apple-a vs. The Corrrrrrre

Daniel Bryan spends the entire match out in the crowd making out with chicks, turning apple juice into liquor so that the kids can drink and selling his awesome new line of hoodies. I don’t know why Santino added him to the team. He’s awesome. Why don’t the Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrre have matching ring gear? I think that’s what’s causing a lack of team cohesion. Wade’s the only one with Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre tights. Santino’s stumbling around and lightly slapping people is the best offense in the history of wrestling. Everybody kind of tumbles out of the ring, and Gabriel kicks Santino in the back of the head, and Slater gets the win. Well, that was worthwhile.

Here’s Jim Ross who is just out to browbeat Cole with his hat. Jack Swagger tries to break it up, but fails miserably. How long has J.R.’s entrance video been actually Oklahoma college football clips? How much does that cost? No wonder he keeps getting fired!

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Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole) vs. Jerry “” Lawler (w/ Jim Ross)

Poor WWE Diva Josh Mathews is left by himself on commentary, so he refuses to say anything. Thankfully (?) J.R. and Cole are mic’d up, so they can loudly call spots during the match. Highlight of that, of course, is J.R. telling WWE RAW Referee Justin King to “Shut up.” I think Jack Swagger is 98.7% limbs. And the rest is that weird hairdo. You know who would’ve beaten Jerry Lawler by this point? Sin Cara. I’m just saying. Michael Cole is just yelling the same thing eight times at ringside, which is…exactly like his normal commentary. Ross distracts swagger and Lawler wins with a roll-up. Swagger gives the best “Shocked Face” in the history of our great sport. Cole slaps Swagger, so Lawler makes their match at Extreme Rules a tag match with Ross and Lawler against Cole and Swagger. Which makes literally no sense for anybody involved, but you know what? What the hell. Book it. I can’t wait to see Jim Ross powerbomb Jack Swagger.

Remember Triple H versus Undertaker? Well now everybody is on the cow couch. Get out of Shawn Michaels’ house, you guys!

Backstage, John Cena and Edge are reminiscing about how great things were back before a little girl ran this show.

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Hey, it’s Edge. You aren’t on this show, bro.

Edge: Guys! Breaking news. I finally got my salad. It was in catering the whole time. THIS CAREER IS OVER!

And…that’s it. Thanks for the memories, Edge! And, perhaps more importantly, for the mammary. Though that really had more to do with Lita being stupid than anything else. But still…Great career. I guess this makes Vacant’s 11th WWE/World Title run, tying him with Edge, ironically. Though Vacant had 13 WCW Title runs and 2 ECW Title reigns. So…Nice try, Miles Edgeworth.

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Backstage, an emotional Edge parades his finally found salad to, of all people, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry, Eve, Tyson Kidd, and Goldust (who is dressed as Dustin Rhodes for Not Halloween). Eve, sadly, does not beg him to take her out of there. Hilarious moments? Edge totally blowing off his ex-wife Vickie, making time for Yoshi Tatsu and Great Khali cameos, and totally hitting on the Bellas. All that was missing was Tough Enough Jessie crying.

Two guys who don’t care about Edge? WWE Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion The Miz and Alex Riley. And they’re on commentary.

Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)

Actually, I think it’s really nice that Edge and Dolph got a chance to bury the hatchet, seeing as how Edge was the one that cost Dolph his World Title and got him fired from Smackdown and getting him put on this pit. Now that I think of it, Dolph really should’ve beat the crap out of Edge knowing his delicate condition. There’s like eight people on commentary right now, and Miz is the only one talking. David Otunga and Mason Ryan have apparently recovered enough from their career ending punts to the head to distract Orton right into a roll-up by Dolph. Ziggler wins! Ziggler wins! Upset of the century. Meanwhile, CM Punk sits at home wondering if maybe he was forgetting something important today. Michael McGillicutty is out there as well, but I think he’s just looking for Husky Harris. Poor guy!

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Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. R-Truth

What’s up? Truth hasn’t forgotten about the Bananarama in Dolph’s pants. What’s up? Miz and Josh Mathews spend the entire match yelling at each other while Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler nap at the table. Well…thanks for coming out tonight, guys. It’s always nice when they find different ways to humiliate J.R. Oh, you’re out on commentary? Well now you can’t say anything! Sadly, Truth does not throw his shoe at Dolph. I think that’s his move though. Truth wins anyway. What ever happened to Sheamus anyway?

R-Truth vs. John Morri-

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R-Truth vs. John Morrison

Finally! The R-Truth and John Morrison match I’ve been waiting for! I think their ring gear is exactly the same, except Morrison’s pants just have a bunch of squiggly lines and Truth’s say “What’s Up?” What’s Up? Miz makes fun of Cena and bitches about his time in a tag team with Morriso, thereby making him the best commentator we’ve had in months. Morrison offers a handshake to Truth, because he didn’t try to steal Melina’s match at Wrestlemania. Morrison misses his move (That’s His Move!) and Truth gets the win. In your face, John Morrison! You just lost to R-Truth!

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R-Truth vs. John Cena

Truth is noticeably exhausted, but no word on whether that’s because he’s just wrestled two matches, or because he has to fight friggin’ John Cena out of everybody. The crowd is totally into screaming about Cena because…the alternative is R-Truth. Cena spends essentially the entire match on offense, while Miz looks on and sucks on a lemon. Then Truth hits one (1) punch and Cena goes down like a ton of bricks. It’s always fun watching him go from zero to oversell in ten seconds. Miz and Riley finally get sick of watching these two roll around for an hour, so they each attack Cena and Truth. Heh. I wonder why Riley doesn’t challenge for the title? I do appreciate that Miz’ mic has the WWE turned upside down. RAW General Manager Demon Girl won’t let Miz get away with that, however, so she books Truth vs. Cena vs. Miz for the Spinnin’ Title at Extreme Rules. Yep. R-Truth is main eventing a WWE PPV.

Next Week: Truth prepares for his big main event push by calling Trish Stratus at home and telling her how much he appreciates her. Also, the shockwaves caused by Edge’s retirement are felt nationwide as girls all over the country get salads. Plus, Michael Cole knits Jack Swagger a sweater, just in time for summer.

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