Last Night: The Miz said “I Quit” two minutes into the match, but it took almost a half hour for that to register with WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiiike Chioda and for him to award the match to John Cena. Also, Kane and Big Show enjoyed cool refreshing bottles of Mountain Dew Pitch Black. And the promising young career of Michael Cole came to an end. Or Did It? DUN DUN DUN…TONIGHT!
Here’s Jerry “” Lawler. Tell us all about everything, Jerry!
Jerry “” Lawler: I can’t believe I finally beat Michael Cole. It’s like everything that I’ve ever done in my career has finally condensed down into this one point. I mean, comparatively speaking, it’s sort of a hollow victory that took two months two long and left hundreds of casualties in its wake, but at least I finally had a wrestling related reason to write off my monthly pedicures. And I couldn’t have done it without this man!
Bret Hart: Yeah. I helped out Jerry Lawler. He was on my list. After I came back and beat up Vince McMahon, I made out a list of everybody who, over the course of my troubled, gargoyle-like existence, I ever feuded with. And my goal in life is to either bury them completely so they’re embarrassed to show their faces ever again, or aid them in silly gimmick matches. So that’s another name crossed off the list. Hopefully I never have to appear on Monday Night RAW ever again.
R-Truth: Bret Hart, it pisses me off that a failure demon such as yourself won multiple world titles, and a gifted performer like myself wasted most of his career teaming with The Road Dogg and Konan and throwing shoes at people. That just doesn’t make karmic sense. Can I borrow your sunglasses?
Truth grabs Bret’s sunglasses and rips them off, but there’s another pair underneath them. And another pair. And another pair. On and on like this, until the ring is littered with 499 pairs of sunglasses.
Truth: Damn…I…I forgot what I came out here to say.
Hart: Probably you came out here to ask for a title match, which is ridiculous considering that you are, in fact, R-Truth.
Truth: Little Johnny is going to be so disappointed.
Jon Hrrnrrnrr: Little Johnny? Have you seen him?!
John Cena: Yo Yo YO YO YO-
Bret Hart: Stop right there. If you start rapping, I’m going to cave your skull in and go back to discussing plans to kill all wrestlers with HBearK.
Cena: You’re no fun anymore!
Bret: I was ever fun?
Cena: Hey, Truth, remember when you were my tag team partner for, like, a week? Until I got tired of your stupid face and dumped you for Yoshi Tatsu or something? Well…I’m not sorry about that.
Truth: John, you know what your problem is?
Cena: Oh, sure. How much time do we have?
Truth: You care too much about what people think.
Cena: Uh…yeah, because they buy all my T-Shirts, which is what keeps me rolling in the cash and gives me a billion undeserved WWE Title wins. If that’s what it takes, I’ll suck up to all the little Johnnies in the world for the rest of time.
Hrrnrrnrr: You guys! You keep talking about Little Johnny, but WHERE IS HE?!
WWE Josh Mathews: I just got an e-mail from RAW General Manager Demon Girl, and she just wanted to let you know that she’s watching Dancing With the Stars right now instead of this crap. But she also wants to hire Bret Hart as a referee. What do you say, Bret?
Hart: Over my career I’ve only had one creedo, and it’s given me everything good that’s ever happened to me. What Would Nunzio Do? And if he wants to be a WWE RAW Referee, then…So Do I!
Big Show: Man, I was afraid you were going to try in our match last night.
Kane: Are you kidding me? I didn’t. Nobody cares about Mason Ryan and CM Punk is on his way out. I knew we were going to win so I pretty much just sleepwalked my way through that whole mess.
Show: Well, don’t do it tonight, ok?
Kane: Yeah. I’ll try really hard to beat David Otunga. Sure. Whatever.
Ricardo Rodriguez: I’ve been learning a new language thanks to Rosetta Stone! Allow me to try it on you. Durf derdoo donut gnupder doo Bork Bork Bork!
Kane: That’s even more racist than R-Truth!
Alberto Del Rio: You two idiots leave poor Ricardo alone! It’s not his fault that he’s a stupid racist! Don’t you listen to Lady Gaga? He was born this way.
Show: No. I do not listen to Lady Gaga.
Kane: Is…she in FCW or something? Is that what they’re calling AJ now?
Show: What ever happened to that girl? She was fine.
Ricardo: Bork bork bork.
David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty (w/ The New New Nexus (Now Twice as Newer!)) vs. Big Show and Kane
For the WWE Tag Team Titles
Punk decides to get on commentary so he too can wax nostalgic about AJ. I mean, he was out there every week and she still ended up with Primo! Primo! How did he let that happen?! This is all relevant, of course, because she used to be the Elizabeth to Jay Lethal’s Randy Savage, which would make Primo Lex Luger or something. I don’t know, I kind of let that analogy get away from me. I just really really wanted to talk about Primo Colon. Didn’t he get deported or something? Mason Ryan is doing a wonderful job of developing Batista’s gap mouthed “I am either shocked, worried, tired, or upset right NOW!” expression. Who needs ol’ whatshisface anyway?
Kane gets beat up for a while by Mr. Jennifer Hudson and Dolph Ziggler beat on Kane for a while, until he makes the tag to Show. Show tosses everybody across the ring, including Kane who takes out Mason Ryan on his way out. Punk decides that he’s had enough of this nonsense and DDTs Show. Ah, well at least there’s one prophet this week who’s making his predictions come true. McGillicutty with the pin and the win. Mason Ryan is, for some reason, more excited about this business than Otunga or McGillicutty, probably because it means he won’t have to carry the wrestling load for Nexus for a while.
You know who I bet doesn’t watch a bit of wrestling? Barack Obama. If you smellll-la-la-la!
Here’s a video of some people who aren’t embarrassed to say they’ve seen the Randy Orton movie.
Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with Big Show and Kane.
Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here and I’m standing by with the Big Show and Kane, and guys I have to ask you, with the finale of Glee coming up tomorrow night, will Finn and Rachel finally hook up when the kids get to New York?
Kane: Ugh…Scott, don’t get me started on those two. I don’t get what Rachel sees in Finn, he’s just a pointless airbag who can barely sing show tunes. Rachel needs to step off Quinn’s man and find herself a real boyfriend. A man that can take care of her and light her enemies on fire. What I’m saying, Scott, is that she needs a little more Kane.
Big Show: Would you two shut up?! Why aren’t we talking about how frustrated we are that we just lost our WWE Tag Team Titles to the Nexus B-Team? This is ridiculous and embarrassing and I’m so mad I could eat a whole crate of Slim Jims right now.
Stanford: Ok, Show, let’s move onto a more serious topic, Team McCreery or Team Alaina?
Show: What do those words even mean?!
Alberto Del Rio: I don’t know, but I’ll say one thing, if Chelsea Kane doesn’t win Dancing with the Stars, I riot.
Kane: I stopped watching when they kicked Kendra off.
Show gets so angry he chases after Del Rio in disgust, when suddenly, he’s run over by a car.
Show: Why me? Why now?!
Ricardo Rodriguez: Sorry! Sorry! I guess the pedal doesn’t run the CD player. Now how am I going to learn ancient Mayan?
Show: OOOOOOOW! Get an Ipad like a real man, jackass!
Del Rio: Hahaha…well, I’m going to go ahead and leave now.
Kane: My partner! My partner is down! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Show: Woah, I didn’t think you, of all people, would get upset by this. I mean, don’t you, like, get aroused when you see people getting horribly injured? Like in that movie…you know the one….
Ricardo: The Lion King?
Show: Yes…The Lion…NO! You are so lucky that you just ran over me with a car right now.
Kane: I’m getting counseling from Tough Enough Jessie on how to be a better me.
Tough Enough Jessie: He’s getting in touch with his inner pain. WAAAAAAAH!
WWE RAW Referee Nunzio: Don’t worry, I’ve got my First Aid Merit badge. What happened? Broken leg? Ok, I’ll be right back with two sticks and some twine, and if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to amputate. Anybody got a really big knife?
Stanford: Of course.
Show: NOOOO! I’m fine. Really. See, I’m going to get up and walk around. I’m fine. If John Cena can do it, so can I.
Show stands up and immediately falls over. Orton wins!
Show stands up and falls over again. Orton wins again! He’s a true fighting champion.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
Apparently, Jack Swagger, who played one year of bad college football was a “Runner Up for the Heisman Trophy.” I guess, in the sense, that voters could technically vote for anybody ever. Unless they mean the “Garry Heisman Trophy for Weirdest Mouth” then, yeah. He loses every year to Steven Tyler though. That was my last American Idol reference tonight, I swear, dogs. Bourne wriggles out of an Ankelock, but right into a power bomb, so I don’t think Bourne has regained his powers quite yet. Swagger wins in about ten seconds. After the match, Bourne kicks Swagger in the face. Geez, lose with some dignity, jerk face.
Michael Cole is attempting to chat with the Divas about the failed Apocalypse, but Eve just wants him to kiss her foot. Abe Orton comes in out of nowhere, pushes Cole out of the way and licks her jaw then runs off giggling. When’d he come back?
Now Cole has made it out to he ring.
Michael Cole: Let’s just pretend the last three months never happened. Ok?
Jerry “” Lawler: That sounds like wrestling to me.
The Miz: Ok, that’s great. I’m glad we’ve moved beyond that, because I have something important to discuss. What has been the root cause of everything bad that’s happened to me since I won the WWE Title? Alex Riley. I mean, I spent the better part of the year trying to get rid of the guy, and then I felt bad so I hired him to a “personal services” contract, which makes him sound like my gay masseuse, and what do I get out of it? He can’t wrestle, he can’t cut a promo, he’s an awful manager, he borrows all my stuff and never gives it back, and, quite frankly, he’s a pretty awful masseuse. Alex Riley, it’s finally time for me to cut you loose. You’re fired!
Alex Riley: But what about our Thursday Night Bowling League?!
Miz: Cancelled. I already called the alley. The Bowlsketballers are no more.
Riley: Damnit, Miz. You can take my job. You can take all the clothes I stole from you. But you never, ever mess with a man’s bowling team!
Riley punches Miz and then proceeds to beat the crap out of him for the next ten minutes. Somewhere, Virgil shakes his head and cries. But not because of anything that happened in this segment.
Maryse, Melina, and the Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly, Beth Phoenix, Eve Torres, and Gail Kim
OBJECTION~! I forgot Beth Phoenix was even on this show. I wonder how she feels about L.A. Noire horning in on her territory. I will say this, I never get tired of watching the heel Divas try to out pose each other during their entrances. And meanwhile the face Divas are just like, “Yay, we all made it down the ramp without falling over and breaking our knees! Melina!” The match never starts because here’s Kharma, who walks down to the ring, flexes her muscles, and cries like a little girl. Everybody sort of stands there for a few seconds and then takes off. Another satisfied customer of the Tough Enough Jessie Center for Emotional Control.
Drew McIntyre vs. Kofi Johnston
For the WWE United States Title
For a man who’s recently single, Drew doesn’t look too broken up. I mean, the ECW General Manager punches you out one time…I wonder if T.E. Jessie does couples counseling. So many problems could be solved if we just cried them out. Of course, then people with no tear ducts would rule the world. Kofi can’t clear McIntyre on a jump like they’re on Tough Enough or something, and McIntyre hits some knee based offense. Johnston attempts to come back with a kick, which is stupid when you just hurt your knee, but it works, so…whatever?
Backstage, Dolph Ziggler is bleaching his hair while Vickie Guerrero bemoans the millions of dollars they lost while people thought he was Zack Ryder.
Seriously, dudes, I don’t think any politicians are going to be at your stupid wrestling show. They all know you’ll use pictures of them there to show how they’re “Just as bad as Linda McMahon” next election season.
Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with Alberto Del Rio.
Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here, and I’m standing by with Alberto Del Rio, and Alberto, you’re a smart guy. What’s the best way into Pippa Middleton’s heart?
Alberto Del Rio: Scott, her sister just got married to the future King of England in a ceremony watched by millions of people around the world. Everything in her life from this point forward is going to be a disastrous disappointment. Who do you think her parents love more? The girl who gets naked on yachts or the Queen of England? So, what I’m trying to say is that you cannot possibly be any more or less depressing than any other man she meets from here on forward. Send her a headshot and some Little Debbie snack cakes, and you’re probably halfway to second base. Or whatever the appropriate cricket term would be.
Stanford: The triple wicket!
Del Rio: Sure sure. Oh! I almost forgot to mention. I was so inspired by Miz earlier, that I’m firing my valet too. You hear that, G-Rilla! You’re gone! Also, Ricardo. Probably. Possibly. Who knows, I already forgot what I was going to fire him for.
R.I.P. Randy Savage. Heaven just got a little more incomprehensible.
R-Truth and CM Punk vs. Rey Misterio and John Cena
With Special Guest Referee Bret Hart
Ahem. I was saying, Punk looks a little depressed to be teaming with Truth here, but at least he broke out his swanky Macho Man ring gear. No jacket with tassels or Zubaz cowboy hat though, which is a little disappointing. Also a little disappointing? He’s a heel. Bret’s kind of being a jerk to Punk and Truth, but that’s just Bret being Bret, you know? Just bein’ a jerk out there. Talking to himself and plotting to kill Cena and take back his precious. Hart shoves Truth out of the ring and puts Punk into the Sharpshooter until he taps out. Ring the bell! Hart wins! That…doesn’t seem quite fair. Or legal. Nobody could be happier than John Cena for some reason. Rey just looks happy to be 12 out there.
Next Week: Ricardo Rodriguez accidentally pushes Big Show into a trash compacter while he’s throwing away G-Rilla. Also, Tough Enough Jessie gets ahold of Bret Hart, and they wind up breaking each other. And Michael Cole finally eats crow when Jerry “” Lawler finds a crow, kills it, prepares it in a nice honey barbeque glaze, roasts it for an hour and 15 minutes, and serves it over a delightful plate of brown rice and green beans.