Archive for July 2011

Rating Our Summer Blockbusters

July 31, 2011 Movies No comments

The Summer Movie Season of 2011 has just about wrapped itself up. So, did you see everything? Here are brief reviews for every big budget movie that hit the screens this summer and whether or not you should put it at the top of your Netflix queue:

Must See

Captain America: Marvel’s latest comic book effort hit all the right notes as a modern action flick set against a cheesy 1940s propaganda background. The movie never really allows itself time to drag, and any overacting on the part of the actors is covered by the movie not really taking itself too seriously (oh, Hugo Weaving, you cad).

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2: You can’t spend a decade watching a movie series and then just give up on it before the 8th film. Despite being the second half of one book, it flies through plot points almost too quickly at times, never really bothering to explain anything to the audience anymore. Still, it’s a satisfying conclusion to an increasingly grown-up franchise.

Worth A Look

Hangover 2: It’s The Hangover, but in a foreign country! Isn’t that crazy?! If you’re one of those people who constantly quotes the movie and wears a baby pouch t-shirt (stop), you’ll love it. Otherwise, it’s just sort of there, some funny jokes but nothing special compared to the first.

X-Men: First Class: A very cool, stylized relaunch of a franchise, which Marvel clearly put a lot of work into recrafting. It takes the odd tact of integrating itself directly into the previous X-Men trilogy, which limits potential for future movies and makes it very predictable. But still, it’s a solid movie.

Bridesmaids: Sort of the raunchy female answer to the Hangover films. It’s an effective vehicle to get a lot of female comedians out there, and it hits more often than it misses. Still, there’s not much to it, more of an afternoon waster than a film you need to have in your collection.

Thor: Marvel’s marginally less successful superhero film this summer. It does a lot of things right, including Chris Hemsworth as the titular god. But the classic Thor origin story never really gained any actual traction, and let’s face it, Kevin Nash made a better Odin than Anthony Hopkins.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides: The movie actually loses a lot not having Keria Knightley and Orlando Bloom around playing straight(wo)men for the weird antics around them. Johnny Depp is as charming as ever, and the ride is a lot of fun, but it really felt like it was missing a little something.

Only If You’re Bored

Green Lantern: DC made a decent attempt to ride Marvel’s coattails on the Silly Superhero front, but Green Lantern isn’t a very interesting superhero. Plus, the storytelling in the film was muddled and ultimately not very good. Ryan Reynolds (who was clearly having a lot of fun with the role) deserved better.

Super 8: Like many of J.J. Abram’s other projects, this was weird and promising but really just didn’t end up going anywhere. Very similar to the 2008 film Cloverfield, the movie relies a lot on its actors and settings to sell a scary threat you never see. In both movies it works around half the time.

Cars 2: Pixar’s first real “miss,” Cars 2 attempts to be all things for all audiences, but what it noticeably isn’t is a very good sequel to the first film. Main characters get shifted into subplots in an effort to get Larry the Cable Guy to show us why clean fuel is the way to go.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon: The plot makes no sense, the action scenes are weird re-hashed versions of scenes from the two prior films (or other Bay movies) and the acting is terrible. That said? It’s a lot of stupid fun, and the 3D is fantastic, better than in any other movie this summer. Not that that will mean a lot to you at home.

Don’t Bother

Cowboys and Aliens: Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford cash in on a weird scifi tale that never really goes anywhere. Craig’s clearly just here waiting for that Bond script to get finalized, and Ford’s just looking to get out of the house. Jon Favreau probably misses Iron Man already.

Mr. Poppers Penguins: Jim Carrey clearly doesn’t know how to get his career back on track, and he’s slipping even further with stuff like this. Making crazy faces while animals do silly things just isn’t going to cut it anymore.

Just for Kids

Winnie the Pooh: Straight to video production released on the big screen. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, necessarily, sometimes kids just want to go to the theater to go. But it’ll work better on DVD.

Kung Fu Panda: Blah cash-in sequel to a sort of blah franchise. Still, I love me some Jack Black, and there’s enough here for kids to have a good time and parents to relax a bit.

Smurfs: A pretty big waste of a lot of B-List talent. Still, not as offensively bad as you might think, and if you go in expecting a new kids movie instead of an update of your beloved cartoon from your youth, it’s mildly entertaining.

RAW Satire for 7/25/11

July 29, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Triple H fired Vince McMahon from his own company for not being more fashion conscious. Also, Rey Misterio and The Miz won the right to compete for a title that may or may not belong to a five year old boy. And Alberto Del Rio failed to win his third guaranteed WWE title shot in two weeks, thereby making him the lamest wrestling in the history of our great sport. Maybe he can finally turn that around…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Rey Misterio vs. The Miz
For the WWE Babies Title

Backstage, the RAW Lockerroom is once again saving me a lot of work. Hey, look, Primo bought a Zack Ryder T-Shirt. I guess, realizing there will never be a “Primo” shirt. The title is sitting on a pedestal outside the ring, begging somebody to go up and touch it. Doesn’t it play WWE Superstar themes? If that’s the case, the only guys who can hold the belt from here on out are Hunter, Undertaker, Hornswoggle, CM Punk, John Cena, and Rey. So there you go, sorry, Miz. I just looked at the Shopzone, and I’m sort of disturbed that you can buy John Morrison themed Christmas stockings. Does Zack Ryder’s Dad know about this? The crowd, in an attempt to be obtuse as possible, begins chanting for Ricardo Rodriguez. I mean, I love the guy too, but I don’t think he’s going to win the WWE Babies title tonight.

(ads)

Jerry “” Lawler really, really, really doesn’t like President Obama. That’s not a good way to get him to appear on another PPV, you guys. Maybe Jerry’s just mad that he won’t follow him on Twitter or something. Seriously, though, of all the songs you have on a toy WWE title, “I Came to Play” isn’t one of them? Really? REALLY? I mean, you have Undertaker’s “Funeral Dirge,” and Motorhead, and “This Fire Burns”? That’s what you’re giving children. Miz’s’z’s knee finally gives out on him, and Rey gets a 619 and a splash for the win. Play his music, WWE Babies’ Title! After the match, Alberto Del Rio comes out to show everybody his awesome briefcase, but Rey kicks it out of his hands. Geez. Play nice, Rey! It’s mean to not let the other children play show and tell!

(ads)

Backstage, Rey is getting doused with Similac by Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters, Darren Young, Titus O’Niell, Derrick Bateman, Beth Phoenix, Curt Hawkens, Alex Riley, and Tyler Reks (WHO?!). Masters makes them some Similac pancakes and then immediately falls back into whatever hole he crawled out of. Zack Ryder watches from a distance, shame in his eyes. Shame for what, Zack? Shame for what? Before he can answer that imaginary question, John Cean shoos everyone else away, and then pushes the button on the title to make his music play.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, that sounds like a challenge. Are you challenging for the WWE Babies title?

John Cena: You know what, Josh, I think I am!

Mathews: You heard it, folks! John Cena is challenging for the WWE Babies title!

Rey Misterio: Um…Hello! What about me! I’m the Babies champion, so how about a little respect! My music is on this belt too! Hold on a second!

WWE Babies Title: The cow says “Moo!”

Everybody starts awkwardly shuffling away.

Misterio: No! You guys! I swear!

WWE Babies Title: Math is hard! Let’s go shopping!

Misterio: I hate you, WWE Babies Title!

WWE Babies Title: Oooooooh Radiooooooooooooooo-

(ads)

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Evan Bourne

Dolph’s theme music has been run though the Babies Title filter of awfulness, and now sounds even stupider than before somehow. Sort of like how they gave The Corrrrrrrrrrrre eight versions of the same song, and they all somehow got progressively worse. Did you know that Evan Bourne was once a vice president of a mailbox company? Think about that for a second. Was the company just, like, him and Colt Cabana, and Colt made mailboxes in his spare time, and since Evan was in the room, Colt was president and Evan was vice president. That’s the only way I can see that working, because the only thing I could see Evan Bourne being vice president of is jobbing to Dolph Ziggler. Which he does very well. To the sleeper. Heh. Even Dolph finds this sort of hilarious.

(ads)

Backstage….

The Bella Twins: We don’t know who you are or why you exist.

Eve Torres: You know, I wake up every day and ask myself the same thing.

Keith Stone: Hey everybody!

The Bella Twins: Is beer PG?

Stone: Face it, ladies, no matter how much kids want to rebel and drink, even they know that they can do better than Keystone. So my constant appearances on WWE TV are no biggie. Now, ladies, I can’t see your crotch tattoo, so I’m going to draw on Nikki’s arm so I can tell you apart when we’re making out later.

Eve: Tried that already, it doesn’t work.

Keith Stone draws a stick figure of himself selling Corona with lime in it.

The Bella Twins: We wish you were a cooler spokesperson.

Eve: What’s the Noid up to?

Remember to drink beer, kids. Or…Whatever we were trying to say here.

Melina and Maryse vs. Eve and Kelly Kelly

What the hell is the point of having Maryse and Melina out here if you’re not going to have them do their entrances? They’re 90% entrance! Melina especially. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her do anything EXCEPT her entrance successfully, and even that gets pretty dicey. Kelly, on the other hand, does absolutely nothing for her entrance, but then occasionally will hit something during the match. Like slapping Melina in the but. And then doing the Maryse pose. Maryse, understandably, is not impressed. If we see Miz with Kelly though, we’ll know. Kelly with the pin on Melina for the win. I guess Melina’s new haircut didn’t help change her luck. Time to…learn some moves.

Backstage, R-Truth is talking to the wall while Triple H stand patiently in front of said wall.

(ads)

D-Lo Brown will be playing live at WWE Summerfest.

Hhhere’s Hunter!

Triple H: I can’t believe they make suits for hunchbacks either, but here it is. Proof positive. You know, I just wanted to take a second to thank Vince McMahon. I mean, without the guidance and direction of Vince McMahon we wouldn’t have wasted most of the ‘90s literally doing nothing, and we certainly wouldn’t have had an unbreakable appearance contract with Keith Stone. He’s more over than half our roster though, folks, so there you go. Anyway, we haven’t had nearly enough stupid title changes after an arbitrarily short amount of time in WWE these past few months, so tonight John Cena is going to beat Rey Misterio. I mean face. Tonight, Rey Misterio is going to face John Cena and lose. I mean, you know what? Let’s call a spade a spade here. Rey’s got no chance, and I don’t care. Also, I had the opportunity to hire a certain guy back that everybody tells me we should never have fired. So, here he is, former WCW Cruiserweight Champion Oklahoma, ladies and gentleman! As head of talent relations, I have a good feeling about this one.

It’s actually Jim Ross that comes out, disappointing millions of Ed Ferrara fans. And writer of all those ECW episodes you forgot to watch Dave Lagana. #IWantBuffaloWings.

Michael Cole: Oh come on! How long do you suppose this will last? He’ll either get homesick again and refuse to show up unless we film every RAW in his backyard. Or else, you’ll be unable to resist the huge temptation to make fun of him every week, and we’ll end up burying half the roster with another pointless J.R. feud. Also, his restaurant went out of business, like, two years ago. So…how about that?

Jim Ross: BAH GOD, KING! What’s Todd Pettingill doing back?

Cole: You see? He doesn’t know who anybody is either. This is awful.

HHH: No, this is awful: you’re in a match tonight. Right after I spend 300 minutes cutting this promo.

Cole: But I retired from in-ring competition!

HHH: It’s either that or I pull you off RAW and Smackdown and put you on NXT again.

Cole: So, a match, huh? I better go get ready!

Here’s another guy!

R-Truth: Well if it isn’t Hunter Hearst Helmsley! My old nemesis!

HHH: Oh my God! When I saw you backstage I totally didn’t make the connection, but…K-Kwick?! Is that you?!

Truth: I…got a better name. But hey, remember when you wouldn’t let me in DX because even though I saved Road Dogg’s career you didn’t think I was cool enough?

HHH: Hahaha! Yeah, that was crazy. I mean we let X-Pac and Billy Gunn in, so it wasn’t like we had particularly high standards either. You must’ve really sucked.

Truth: Well, I’ve been carrying that with me for ten years! I went to TNA and hung out with Konnan, dammit! I developed an unnatural fear of macramé! I SIT BACKSTAGE ALL NIGHT AND TALK TO WALLS! I’m being followed by a guy named Jimmy and I’m pretty sure that none of this is even actually happening right now! And it’s all your fault!

HHH: Wow, that’s a heavy load to lay on a guy. So rather than respond to you and/or make fun of you and your condition, I’m just going to go ahead and make your life more miserable. Because why change the good thing we’ve got going on between us, right? So here’s this guy. Don’t know who he is, but…yeah.

It’s John Morrison! He’s just in jeans, so that’s how you can tell he’s serious. Or that Zack Ryder’s dad stole his coat. Truth acts shocked, but basically figures that he can push a cart of TVs on Morrison anytime he wants. So imagine his surprise when Johnny rushes the ring, jumps onto his neck again in a move that totally didn’t just shelve him for three months, and then misses his move at Truth! That’s His Move~!

(ads)

Michael Cole vs. Zack Ryder

Cole comes out dressed as Triple H, including the water spit and everything, but he comes out to “On Your Knees Doug” which is Hunter’s promo music, so that’s kind of dumb. Zack Ryder comes out and he’s just bawling. His fake tan is running down his face, and his hair is barely spiked. He’s wearing a Broski T-Shirt, but it’s torn, as if somebody had been weeping and gnashing their teeth in it. He hits a half hearted Rough Ryder and heads backstage with no fanfare. Michael Cole leaves the ring embarrassed, but with a hint of a smile on his lips.

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio vs.-

(ads)

Ehem.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Johnston

Oh, Ricardo. How I’ve missed you. Think about it this way, folks, we were this close to having Kofi Johnston booked in a WWE Babies Title match tonight! He’s still Shelton, though, so he’d find some way to blow it. Then again, I half expect us to wind up with WWE Babies Champion Keith Stone by the end fo the night, so who knows? That guy really is one of the most over people on the roster. You know, I wonder if Ricardo could fit in the briefcase. Then Alberto could take him wherever he went! Not that he couldn’t already, but this would be in a briefcase, which is nominally cooler. Or hotter, depending on whether you took all that literally or not. And if you did, why the hell would you do that? Alberto locks in an armbar for the win.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews stands by with The Miz.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with The Miz. Miz, I have to ask you, what do you think of Rey Misterio who beat you earlier tonight having to take on John Cena only an hour and a half later?

The Miz: Like I care. If I had won I’d be pretty pissed. But Rey Misterio is a joke. Him winning the WWE Babies title and then losing it minutes later is the greatest rib. But I really don’t care about any of that, because guess who got voted PWI’s Number One wrestler? This guy!

Mathews: You know that doesn’t mean anything, right? Lex Luger won it one year!

Miz: Oh come on, Josh. Don’t be jealous. Just because you’ve never been the number one wrestl-

Mathews: Randy Orton has won it the past two years!

Miz: LIES!

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the PWI Girl’s Chocolatechip. And it’s true The Wiz, I’m the 2210 and 1999 POW Wrangler of the Year.

Miz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(ads)

John Cena vs. Rey Misterio
For the WWE Babies Title

Rey is wearing his “Depressed Person” mask, which I haven’t seen since WCW, so I can’t imagine this is going to go well for him. Not that I really expected it to anyway. But, to his credit, Rey puts together a valiant effort. He jumps around, spins through the ropes. He does a big splash. Unfortunately, John Cena wasn’t around for any of that, so even when Rey does hit his only offensive move of the match (an STF, no less!), Cena just stands up and gives him a one-legged Attitude Adjustment for the win. John Cena is the new WWE Babies Champion! Everything old is old again! Cena really, really, really wants to give Rey another AA after the match, but Rey’s already drowning in his own tears in that mask, so Cena doesn’t add insult to injury. Instead he celebrates, well, like a little baby.

When suddenly, “99 Luftballons” blares over the loudspeakers. The crowd, being as well versed in pro-wrestling history as anyone, knows that this is the music that CM Punk used when he was trying to seduce WWE Superstar Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella)! The crowd goes wild! CM Punk comes out, apparently not having changed since the Money in the Bank PPV. He raises the WWE Spinnin’ Title (weren’t you supposed to get a new one?) over his head. Cena, not one to back down from anything ever, throws the WWE Babies title over his head and it immediately begins playing “This Fire Burns.” Awwwwwkward.

Next Week: Jim Ross quits, having fulfilled his lifelong dream of commentating on one episode of RAW in the 2010s where he didn’t get pantsed or beaten up. Triple H continues catering to Internet fans by signing amazing writing talent Matt Hocking to a lucrative long term deal (to wash ring gear :( ). And John Cena and CM Punk continue to feud about whose belt is stupider and more meaningless.

Elsewhere….

X-Pac: Can you believe that rube Ryder? Hunter found him and offered him a spot on the show, and he turned over everything he knew about this rogue cell.

Kevin Nash: Yeah, that poor kid folded like a steel chair just to make his dad and fans proud. What a maroon. And what did he get out of the deal? A squash of Michael Cole. Ooooh. Hey, speaking of steel chairs, anybody seen one? I gotta sit down. I’ve been walking for, what, ten seconds now? Ugh.

Scott Hall: Hey, yo. Where are these guys at, mang? I wanna throw toothpicks at them. They think they’re gonna take WWE down? They got another thing comin’.

Nash: What do you guys even care? I mean, I know you love Hunter and all, but I’m the only one signed to a WWE contract.

Pac: It’s either this or sit around and cry about my life all day.

Hall: I thought this was all a dream.

Nash: He said there were three of them. A girl, a fat guy, and some other guy. But I don’t see anyone back here in this mysteriously constructed shelter. Hey! Ultimo Dragon, Sin Cara, have you seen a bunch of rebels back here?

Sin Cara: Oh, no-uh! I am too busy not doing steroids and drinking Stacker 2-uh! Gotta love those bees-uh!

Ultimo Dragon: I am Dragonriffic. Uh. ECDUB ECDUB!

Sin Cara does a really awful backflip into Ultimo Dragon.

Pac: Ok, that was really weird. Let’s go check catering. I bet they’re hiding inside the pasta, and I challenge myself to find them.

Nash: Sounds like a plan to me! How dangerous could these guys really be anyway?

Hall: One more win…for…the…good…?

The trio leaves.

Cara: Tommy, you almost ruined that for us! I can’t believe Ryder turned heel on us! And for what? 30 seconds of screen time? I hope his ex-girlfriend and dad were watching, because when I get my hands on that punk, I’m going to spike his hair right into his throat.

Dragon: Aw, come on. Maybe he had a good reason! Maybe they were holding Trent Barretta hostage or something. We should at least give him a chance to explain himself. I’m just wondering how they didn’t see Tarver. I mean, he doesn’t even have a costume on!

Michael Tarver: I do so. I’m dressed as Michael Tarver. The perfect disguise.

Cara: Still, this plan is falling apart at the seams. If we want He Who Shall Not Be Named to suffer and answer for his crimes, we’re going to need…divine intervention.

Mysterious Voice: Well, I may not be divine, but I think I know just the thing that can get you out of your Zack Ryder blues.

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Azjol-Nerub

July 27, 2011 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

The former home of the great Nerubian empire, Azjol-Nerub sits mostly empty these days thanks to the fact that the Lich King swung by and turned them all into mindless slaves. Their king, Anub’arak, still sits down there, in the middle of his broken empire, awaiting orders from Arthas, who he really hates by the way.

Of course, this really isn’t something that the Alliance and Horde are just going to let go. No, you’re going to have to navigate the underground bug kingdom, find the king, and put a really big magnifying glass over his head. Or, you know, kill him with swords. Anything to take away ol’ Lichy’s bug army.

Degree of Difficulty: Medium

It’s a big step up from Nexus and Utgarde Keep, but still not impossible or horribly difficult. There is a metric ton of trash mobs all over the place, and they tend to swarm, making pulls difficult. Especially before the Hadronox fight, where they constantly respawn.

The bosses aren’t horribly difficult. Krik’thir the Gatewatcher comes with three adds before the actual fight (there’s an achievement for keeping them alive) and a few smaller adds, but nothing else too difficult.

Special Features:

The instance is available in normal and Heroic modes. Killing mobs in the instance will net you reputation with the Alliance or Horde Expedition if you run without a reputation tabard. Hadronox comes with a mess of adds, a stun, and an AoE, many groups choose not to engage him, if you can get an invisible player past him, he will despawn. Anub’arak is a little more difficult, with a DoT, adds, and different phases where he’ll go beneath the surface, summon a bunch of adds and shoot easily avoided spikes out of the ground at players. In heroic mode, he shoots out a small cone of damage called “Pound” that will instantly kill a lot of undergeared players.

Recommended for Levels: 70 (Normal)/78 (Heroic)

In its day, a lot of people hated Azjol-Nerub. Tanks and healers hated all the trash flying all over the place, especially before and during the Hadronox fight, and pretty much everybody hated the Anub’arak fight, where he’d get off all his burrows even during very well geared fights, unnaturally elongating your time in the instance while you waited for him to pop back up.

But honestly, it’s one of the shortest instances you can do in Wrath of the Lich King, the at-level gear is good for players looking to gear up during regulars for further Wrath content, and it’s one of the more atmospheric dungeons in the game. It’s worth a look no matter your level, and it’s especially worthwhile for newer players looking to engage more challenging content during their time in Northrend.

YouTube Monday: Mass Effect

July 25, 2011 YouTube No comments

I could link about nine billion things from Comic Con this week, but I don’t care about 90% of them. Oh noes, Kristen Stewart is a vampire and Snow White (possibly at the same time!).

People are drunk at the Spider-man panel! I’m not sure what to make of the Doctor Who panels or the threat of more Anna Paquin!

So here’s 9 minutes of soothing Mass Effect gameplay footage. Enjoy!

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for July 17th – 23rd, 2011

July 25, 2011 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Comicon Is as Useless as Ever. Oh, Comicon. Will you ever change? If you’re interested in comic books, you’re at the wrong convention, bub. If you’re interested in sweaty producers and drunk celebrities yelling at their fans while trying to promote a TV show that will get a four episode run on NBC before getting axed and causing random message boards to cry in shame, boy do I have a convention for you!

2. Everything’s On Sale at Borders. In what might very well be the lamest liquidation sale in the history of mankind, Borders books slashed prices by 10% at all its retail stores this week, hoping to clear out inventory for its impending closure. Which…really, guys? That’s like…A brisk Sunday sale. Get back to me when I can get your now basically worthless eBook reader for 99% off.

3. Back to Your Regularily Scheduled Programming Already in Progress. The owners and players almost unanimously (Al Davis could not be revived for the proceedings) accepted a new labor agreement that will go through the next ten years, ensuring that only about a week’s worth of preseason games would be missed before the start of this season. So, so much for skipping power rankings this year.

4. Sony Still Doesn’t Know How to Market a Handheld. The Xperia Play debuted to some fanfare two months ago. Then Sony started talking about how the Vita was basically the same platform, only better. And now? Everybody’s sitting on their hands waiting to see if the Vita’s any better, and the Xperia is collecting dust on store shelves at half price. Even Apple has the good sense to wait a year before introducing the next iPad.

5. Captain America Beats Harry Potter with a Shield. Captain America is my favorite summer movie yet, and it took in $65 million in its first week box office. Harry Potter followed with a decent $47 million now that everybody’s seen it. If you do go see Captain America this week some time, make sure you stay for a brilliant Avengers trailer after the credits.

RAW Satire for 7/18/11

July 21, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Last Night: CM Punk won the WWE Title and immediately left to sign a lucrative deal with the Stuffed Bears Wrestling Federation. Also, Alberto Del Rio won the Money in the Bank briefcase, thereby ensuring he’d have someplace to store his plethora of car keys. And, I don’t care what anybody says Kelly Kelly Kelly/Brie Bella was the match of the night. What will it be…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Vince McMahon and Johnny Ace. Has there ever been a more bored looking guy on WWE programming than Johnny Ace? It’s a wonder he didn’t get over as a wrestler! Backstage, The RAW Roster is saving me from having to bold their names later.

Vince McMahon: Uh…Ok, so this is a little embarrassing. But apparently, we let that guy leave with the WWE Spinnin’ Title, and as it turns out the big blocky belt got sold with the Cruiserweight Title at our annual rummage sale last year. And we can’t use the WWF belt or the Smoking Skull Belts because we don’t have the budget to keep censoring them. So, we’ve either got to bring back the WWWF title, or use one of these plastic Spinnin’ Titles we bought at the merchandise stand. Guess what we picked? So, yeah, there’s going to be a tournament to see who’s the new WWE Babies Champion. Everybody three and up is eligible!

Backstage….

Rey Misterio: Aw!

In the ring….

Chris Tian: Can’t we just go with me being the only champion?

Vince: Hahahahaha! Seriously, how’d you get that belt? Did you steal it?

Dolph Ziggler: What if-

Vince: Shut up. Shut up your face. Johnny Ace! My main man! Anything to add?

Johnny Ace: No sir.

Vince: Goddaamit, I miss Patterson and Briscoe. They would’ve at least made goofy faces and talked about bananas. Now, you might be wondering why I haven’t fired John Cena yet. Well, you can’t very well expect me not to milk that all the way to the main event until I hire him back anyway because he sells too many T-Shirts to fire. Right? I mean…Right, Johnny Ace?

Ace: Huh? Oh, was that to me? Yeah. Absolutely. What you just said.

Vince: I hate you.

(ads)

The Miz vs. Alex Riley
In a First Round Match-Up For the WWE Babies Title

For reals? Please, somebody explain what Alex Riley has EVER done to earn a spot in this match. Like…Ever? Ok, so he’s beat Miz, like 800 times. But how does that make him any more or less qualified than, say, JTG? Or Maryse, for that matter. Of course the real answer for who should be in this match is Zack Ryder. Miz is really selling his knee that he exploded last night jumping off a ladder onto his knee. Who does he think he is? Jeff Hardy? Michael Cole starts screaming about the Sharp Shooter, because apparently he’s watching a tape of an entirely different decade, and Miz with apin for the win.

Backstage, R-Truth is not smoking. Come on, man, live the gimmick!

(ads)

R-Truth vs. Jack Swagger
In a First Round Match-Up for the WWE Babies Title

Who the hell drew up these brackets? “I know what match would get zero reaction from the crowd!” And it’s nice to see Swagger in here, given that he hasn’t won a match in three months. I’d suggest Drew McIntyre as a replacement, but I know he’s too busy lurking backstage to be bothered trying to win the Baby belt. How upset do you think Vince is that Skittles changed their tag to “Wrestle the rainbow?” I wonder if that’s why everybody and their mom is saying it on TV now. Truth throws his shoe at Swagger, and Jack’s out cold. Truth wins!

(ads)

Here’s this guy!

Alberto Del Rio: You guys! I won this briefcase, so let’s take stock of my situation right now. I’ve got the Money in the Bank, I’m the number one contender, and I’m in this tournament. I swear to you, if I don’t win the WWE Babies Title at some point in the next few months, I’m just going to go ahead and quit. Because seriously? That’s stupid. Oh, and guess who I found backstage hanging out with Drew McIntyre?

Ricardo Rodriguez: Hi, everybody!

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Johnston
In a First Round Match-Up for the WWE Babies Title

Kofi is, of course, Shelton, so if he wins this thing I will literally eat my hat. I’m not wearing a had, but I will go out and buy a hat and eat it. And given that RAW is in Green Bay, I could’ve picked worse places to eat hats. I think Del Rio drove out in a second-hand Winnebago this week, so I think we might be at the end of his car collection. Next week he should drive out in a Power Wheels. Look what that did for the career of Bob Holly! There’s no way it could fail! Del Rio goes for the Armbar about five minutes into the match, which is stupid, but then Kofi gets the roll-up for the win. Oh Alberto. Nobody is sadder about this than Ricardo.

Backstage, Rey Misterio has strapped phonebooks to his feet in order to be taller than the clown. It works and he’s in the tournament.

(ads)

Backstagier, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Kofi Johnston.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Kofi Johnston, and Kofi, I have to ask you do you honestly think that you can win this? I mean…really?

Kofi Johnston: Nah, man. Let’s face it, that’s not going to happen.

Mathews: Then why bother to go through with this charade? Let’s just hand the belt to, say, Yoshi Tatsu and we’ll all go eat Cheez Whiz at He Who Shall Not Be Named’s house.

Kofi: Sounds good to me, man. I’m gonna go out there and job so hard in the second round! Thanks for the inspiration, lady.

Mathews: Anything to get me out of that Divas tag later.

Rey Misterio vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)
In a First Round Match-Up for the WWE Babies Title

Rey is dressed up as the Kiss Demon tonight, so it’s nice to see everybody’s taking this tournament seriously. Honestly, though, I probably would’ve thought more highly of Dale Torborg in this tournament than Alex Riley. So. Yeah. Rey has, however, seemingly recovered nicely from being booed out of the building last night. I still think his green gear was cool though. Dolph tries the sleeper, which is hilarious, because I totally forgot when they tried to get that over as his finisher. Rey just sort of laughs, and hits a splash for the win.

Backstage, Vince is trying, desperately but unsuccessfully, to get Johnny Ace to wear a diaper on TV.

(ads)

Beth Phoenix, Natalya, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, Katilyn, AJ Lee, and Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox, The Bella Twins, Maryse, Tamina, Rosa Mendes, and Melina

Is that everybody? Phew. I know half these people AREN’T ON THIS SHOW, but I’m willing to give it a pass this week because AJ is out there. Hi, AJ! Kelly Kelly Kelly is wearing a Green Bay Packers shirt to show her union solidarity. Michael Cole immediately invokes the specter of Joey Styles and then fires it. I think if you listen carefully, you can hear his Twitter account weep. But then again, he’s only marginally less annoying than Dave Lagana, so I don’t care. #IWantWestWing. Nobody tags into the match, so the girls just stare at each other across the ring until finally, Rosa falls over. Orton wins!

(ads)

Kofi Johnston vs. The Miz
In a Second Round Match-Up for the WWE Babies Title

This is your semi-finals, WWE Ultraverse. Look upon it and despair. I remember when we used to have doors around here with more credibility than Kofi Johnston. But then again, he is inextricably linked with WWE’s annual Summerfest event, so maybe it’s fate that he wins the title here. A kid in the crowd raises his WWE Babis Title in the air defiantly. Does that kid have a legitimate claim to the title? Can we get a lawyer to look into that? Like, Clarence Mason or somebody? I mean, I just saw Chilly Willy wearing the Spinnin’ Title on Twitter, and I know that guy didn’t do anything but job to Steve Corino 90 weeks in a row. Miz with the win after, like, two seconds. Better luck next year, Kofi.

Backstage, Scott Stanford is standing by with R-Truth.

Scott Stanford: Scott Stanford here, and I’m standing by with R-Truth, and Truth, everybody knows I’m a big fan of yours. Almost as big a fan as I am of Alpocolypse, the new CD from music legend Weird Al Yankovic, available on iTunes right now.

R-Truth: Scott, I rarely know what you’re talking about. And remember, that’s coming from me.

Stanford: Not a Weird Al fan? No? Ok, then how about CeeLo. His song “Bright Ligths Big City” is the theme song for WWE Summerfest, live on PPV from wherever it’s going to be this year. Maybe if we’re lucky, he’ll show up and wave his T-Rex arms at us!

Truth: I think it’s time you leave.

Stanford: Stanford Army! Buy the T-Shirt!

(ads)

Remember Andy? That guy who lost Tough Enough? Well, now he works at a meth lab. I hope you’re happy, America.

Rey Misterio vs. R-Truth
In a Second Round Match-Up for the WWE Babies Title

Speaking of which, what did Steve Austin ever do with all those Tough Enough Titles? WWE is in a time of need right now, Steve! Maybe they can just install Tough Enough Jessie as the brand’s top champion. Or that kid from the last match. He seemed to have it all together, and I’m pretty sure he could beat Rey. KISS Demon or not. Rey jumps onto Truth on the outside. Oh man, maybe they’ll both get counted out. Then Miz could win the title by forfeit and everybody will just be depressed until ol’ whatshisface comes back.

(ads)

When we come back, Rey Misterio is at ringside toasting people for all the merch sales he’s going to make up while Sin Cara is “suspended” and R-Truth is in the center of the ring talking to himself and crocheting. Rey eventually runs out of little kids to convince to buy his stuff, so he rolls back into the ring and Truth accidentally stabs himself with a needle, causing him to fly into a rage, ending when, moments later, he accidentally attacks the air next to Rey, and Rey just drops him into the ropes. 619, and that’ll do it. Rey has made it into the finals! You think that phone hacking story is a big deal, though, wait until they find out that Rey Misterio cheated the system and made it into the finals of this tournament! Parliament will be on its ear!

(ads)

Rey Misterio vs.-

Wait. Nevermind.

Vince McMahon: Get out of here! No KISS Demon is going to win the Babies Title on my watch. Go backstage until you grow a couple inches. Then we’ll talk. God, maybe I should’ve brought back the WWWF title. Or hell, the WWF title. Nobody from England watches this show anymore, right? That’s why we got K-Mart as our main sponsor. Anyway, we ran out of time thanks to all the sports entertaining on this show anyway.

Rey Misterio: That’s all right, I’ve got masks to peddle.

Vince: Damn right you do. Now, we still have this little thing with John Cena yet to do here tonight, and I want to hurry it up. As you can see, I’m cosplaying as Professor Plum for Comic-Con, and I don’t want to miss the Wonderfriends panel again this year. So, John, come on out here so that I can pretned to fire you. Because, hey, if I say something on TV, I mean it. For the next couple weeks, anyway.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOOOO YOOOOO!

John Cena is back,
I lost my Spinnin’ Title,
Now it‘s being defended,
After a girl‘s dance recital!

So I’m comin’ out the gate,
My mouth spittin’ like a gun,
John Cena so PG-13,
Shooting up Kevin Dunn!

Vince is a doodoo head,
I don’t want to get fired,
I finally had a good match,
Now I am inspired!

But I’m out the door anyway,
Somebody else wrestle The Rock,
Maybe Mankind will come back,
And they’ll wrestle over a sock!

You heard it here folks,
You can’t defeat John C-E-N-A!
Starting next week you’ll find me,
Jobbing to Abyss on TNA!

Because I can sell merch anywhere,
I got nothing to fear,
So get ready you stupid Pandas,
BECAUSE YOUR CHAMP IS HERE!

Vince: That really brought a tear to my eye right then.

Triple H: Hey guys, what’s happening out here? Segment? Cool cool. Hey, Cena, you’re not getting fired. Are you kidding me? The money we make every month from your $40 arm bands goes to pay for Aurora Borealis’ college. Get out of here, you big lug. Heeeeeey, Vince!

Vince: Hunter…What are you doing here? I mean…Didn’t you hear about Sin Cara?

HHH: Yeah. Damn shame too. I think that guy had a big future. But, unfortunately, he got hit with a “wellness” violation before I could see him in the ring. I hear he was the best wrestler we had though. Funny how that worked out. So, Vince, I just got out of a meeting with the Board of Directors-

Vince: How are Duke the Dumpster Droese and Mantaur doing anyway?

HHH: Just fine! Anyway, they said they’ve been watching the show the past couple weeks, I know I was shocked too! Anyway, they said that they’ve been watching the show, and they’re not really sure what’s going on. I mean, I don’t know who “Zack Ryder” is and I don’t want to, but Mantaur is, like, obsessed with the guy. And you know they weren’t too happy about the whole CM Punk thing. I mean, the guy gets his best T-Shirt yet in WWE, and the next night he’s gone. What’s with that? And then we tune in tonight and you’re dressed as Grimace. Vince…you know we can’t have a fictional character running the company. I mean, you saw how Enron stock tanked after they sold off all their shares to Richie Rich.

Vince: I’m actually supposed to be Professor Plumb.

HHH: That’s…somehow even worse. Vince, you know I love you like the great grandfather I never had, but times are a’changin’ and the board thinks that there’s nobody better to run WWE than, well, me. I’d say I was sorry about that, but I’d be lying.

Vince: You? Really? The guy who has been implicit on all my schemes that nearly got me fired twenty times in the early 2000s? The guy who waves sausages around his crotch and had sex with Chyna? You’re a better public face of the company than me?

HHH: Yeah. The whole family even agrees.

Vince: Oh that doesn’t even count! Those hellspawn kids of Shane McMahon from the desolate wasteland that is Marissa Mazolla’s womb don’t get a vote!

HHH: I love you, Mr. Poppers.

Vince: That movie sucked and you know it!

HHH: I guess what I’m trying to say, Vince, is…You’re Fiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred!

Vince: Fire me?! I’m already fired! Fire me?! I’m already fired!

Then Vince takes off his shoes and elbow drops them and then starts bawling into Johnny Ace’s shoulder, to the delight of the crowd. Meanwhile, Hunter shows off the acting chops that made The Chaperone the critical and commercial success it was, and leaves in a haze of purple and yellow light.

Next Week: Triple H tries to get control of the brand by figuring out who the hell “Alex Riley” is. Also, John Cena starts wrestling under a mask, to the horror of Rey Misterio. And in related news, WWE RAW General Manager Demon Girl, who was attending a CM Punk/Colt Cabana match after her dance recital, is deposed by new RAW General Manager Ultimo Dragon.

Elsewhere…..

Tough Enough Jessie: Oh my God…This is even worse than we could possibly imagine. We…we’re too late. He Who Shall Not Be Named has taken full control. We’re truly screwed.

Zack Ryder: Wait, I thought CM Punk was “He Who Shall Not Be Named.”

T.E. Jessie: Everybody just saw Harry Potter, ok? Shut up.

Tommy Dreamer: So, w-w-what do we do now? I mean, how can we hope to truly defeat h-h-him?

Ryder: Yeah, bro. I kinda feel like I’m on the losing side here. And he doesn’t seem so bad. I mean he mentioned my name! Sort of!

T.E. Jessie: Do you remember the videos Zack? Ten years worth of attrocities!

Ryder shudders.

Ryder: So what do we do?

T.E. Jessie: I have a plan that’s crazy enough to work. But I need time and merchandise. I need somebody to grab all this stuff from the Shopzone before it’s too late.

Michael Tarver: I’m on it!

Ryder: AAAAH! Can we get a bell for this guy? You can’t just sneak up on a bro like that!

T.E. Jessie: Mark my words, gentlemen, the reign of He Who Shall Not Be Named will come to an end just as suddenly as it began!

Dreamer: Yeah! We’re coming for you, Voldemort! ECDub! ECDub! ECDub!

World of Warcraft: The Nexus

July 21, 2011 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

On the other side of the continent from Utgarde Keep, the Red Dragonflight is attempting to shut down Malygos, the Aspect of the Blue Dragonflight, who has decided that Azeroth has had magic for just long enough, and thus plans to kill everyone who’s ever used magic. As a giant middle finger to the Red Flight, Malygos kidnaps and rapes a red dragon. Don’t tell the kids.

Now she’s imprisoned inside his Fortress in The Nexus, and while he’s going insane in his own little tower, magical elements are starting to manifest themselves inside the Nexus and fighting the Dragonflight. So, your job is to fight through both the blue dragons and the magical energies and free or kill poor Keristrasza.

Degree of Difficulty: Easy

It’s not as well designed as Utgarde, because the multiple winding paths don’t really lend themselves to a coherent strategy, but once you find the right path (start to the left and circle all the way around the back of the instance until you come back to the main entrance), then the rest is a cakewalk. The trash is barely an issue.

The bosses aren’t much more difficult. You’ll either fight Kolurg (an orc) or Stoutbeard (a dwarf) depending on your allegiance, though neither hits particularily hard. Grand Magus Telestra is an interesting fight. She’s got a throw which doesn’t do a whole lot of damage and a stun, she will also split into three aspects (ice, shadow, and fire) at 60% and 30% health, that need to be killed before you can finish her. Anomalus is a magic wraith, who has a shield, adds, and a lot of light burst damage, though he’s easily killed by taking out his Chaos Rift when he casts his shield (or don’t for an achievement). Ormorok is a tree elemental, he’s got a nasty AoE which announces itself and is easily avoided, a frenzy at 25%, and a few adds. Keristrasza is the most difficult of the bosses. Standard dragon rules apply (avoid the tail), also if you don’t keep moving she’ll freeze you to the ground, so at least jump, sometimes you’ll get frozen anyway. She enrages at 25% and does a ton more damage.

Special Features:

The instance is available in normal and Heroic modes. Killing mobs in the instance will net you reputation with the Alliance or Horde Expedition if you run without a reputation tabard. An instanced version of the zone is available for the questline to get the legendary staff Tarecgosa’s Rest.

Recommended for Levels: 70 (Normal)/78 (Heroic)

Unlike the Utgards, I don’t think you learn as much about instances from running The Nexus. Certainly there are a few good tricks here and there (Telestra’s phases, learning to move to avoid Keristrasza’s ground attacks), but it’s not as quick and informative as the Keep is.

Some people like the non-linear aspect of Nexus though, and it’s certainly a popular instance even today. I will say that, as an 85 who likes to solo old content, I’ve found Nexus to be the easiest Northrend heroic to solo, as nothing puts up much of a fight. Run it for rep or for a few XP points on your alts, but otherwise it’s the inferior starter instance in Northrend.

WWE Smackdown Spoilers 7/19/11

July 20, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Target Center was about 2/3rds full with the upper bowl tarped off, which isn’t bad with a Twins game happening right across the street. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a very boisterous crowd, which is extra disappointing after how hot the Chicago crowd was, and the Green Bay crowd had been at times.

Dark Match

Michael McGillicutty d. Trent Barretta

McGillicutty wasn’t billed as from Minnesota, which is kind of a waste, even if he was working heel here. I was sort of interested to see any prospects that they could’ve called up for this spot, but I see Barretta so rarely that it was kind of nice to see him make an appearance. McGillicutty won cleanly and got a nice round of applause after a decent match.

NXT

Maryse and Striker introduced the show and ran down the current scores which have O’Neal with a huge lead over Darren Young and Derrick Bateman (who’s still sitting at zero after rejoining).

Dummy Bag Challenge

This week’s challenge is to show off your wrestling moves on a punching dummy with a picture of Michael Cole taped to it. Bateman apologized to the dummy and proceeded to do a few generic slams on the dummy. Darren Young refused to compete on the grounds that this challenge was stupid, just like him being in NXT is stupid because he’s already been on WWE TV a number of times. Titus O’Neal throws the bag at Young, which is enough, apparently, to win him the challenge.

Backstage, Hornswoggle keeps getting presents including candy and a doll delivered to them, but Maryse swears that they’re not from her and pushes him down.

Vladamir Kozlov d. JTG

JTG did some OK mic work to get his character of the man with ultimate swag. I think Jack Swagger might have something to say about that though. Kozlov won after a short match with a head butt. Standard stuff.

In the back, someone has dismantled Yoshi Tatsu’s zen garden and destroyed his action figure. He is out for vengeance. His Twitter will never be the same.

Titus O’Neal d. Darren Young

O’Neal wins after Bateman’s distraction actually prevents Young from hitting a dropkick. I like Titus O’Neal the person as a face, but a lot of his ringwork (especially the longish restholds) seem better suited to working heel. I don’t know. Maybe I just don’t like abdominal stretches. After the match he paraded Hornswoggle around to some light cheers.

During the intermission, Charles Robinson and one other ref (Rod Zapata, I think?) help change over the ring for Superstars. The hardest working men in showbiz, folks.

Superstars

Poor Jack Korpela doesn’t even get his own entrance.

Justin Gabriel d. Tyson Kidd

Gabriel’s the face coming out of the Slater/Gabriel split if you’re scoring at home. Not as fast paced as you’d expect out of these two. A lot of grind it out offense from both guys before Gabriel hit the 450 for the win. Crowd wasn’t sure how to take Gabriel because his new character isn’t really established yet, but he got some cheers after the match.

Alicia Fox d. Natalya

Natalya got the “already in the ring” treatment. This week’s stolen item is Alicia Fox’s belt, which wasn’t as funny as her hair, but still pretty amusing. Not as good as their match a few weeks ago, but still one of the better Divas matches in the last few months. Alicia rolled through a Sharpshooter attempt for the pin.

Smackdown

Booker got a huge pop coming out and Cole got showered with boos. Poor Josh Mathews just came out. At least he got his own entrance though! The live crowd got a rather longish clip of the ending of the Christian/Orton match at Money in the Bank which will probably be pared down or still frames for TV.

Orton opens the show sitting in the ring. He realizes with the WWE Title in limbo and Vince McMahon getting pushed out of his job that WWE’s brass might be ignoring him right now, but he’s not going to take losing the title on a DQ, so he calls Christian out (or he’ll go backstage to find him).

Christian does come out, but says that there won’t be a rematch, because nobody respects whiners like Orton. It’s just the universe resolving itself after Christian got screwed out of the title a few months ago. Orton’s heard enough so he dashes up the stage to attack Christian, but he gets interrupted by Teddy Long’s music and a cavalcade of referees.

Long hears what Randy’s saying, but he’ll have to wait on his rematch because he’s already booked for tonight, but it’s only fair that Christian have a match tonight too, his against Ezekial Jackson. Christian is not thrilled with this, and he’s even less thrilled when Randy breaks through the refs and starts slapping Christian on the head.

Christian d. Ezekial Jackson

Fans are split about 50/50 for the majority of this match with “Let’s Go Christian” chants getting a little more footing than “Zeke” chants. I will say that somehow, Jackson’s even bigger live than he is on TV. He gets quite a bit of offense, but in the end, Tian’s able to stun Zeke just long enough to hit the Killswitch and pick up the win. Kind of slow getting going, but the ending sequence was well done.

Michael Cole calls Daniel Bryan out to the ring, and proceeds to berate him for being lucky winning Money in the Bank, and asks if he feels he really deserves a shot at the World Title, especially if he’s just going to sneak in and steal one like almost every other Money in the Bank winner.

Not only does Bryan think he deserves it, he’s earned it. Because for as many times as Cole calls him “nerd” everybody knows he won Money in the Bank fair and square, and everybody knows that he’s wrestled everywhere in the world, losing his hearing in one ear, braking so many bones that his mother begged him to quit, but now he’s just a step away from fulfilling his only dream cashing in on a World Title shot. And he will cash the Money in the Bank in…At Wrestlemania.

Heath Slater comes out and mocks Bryan for playing his hand, saying that just like he couldn’t win NXT or hang with The Nexus, he wouldn’t win the World Title either, Money in the Bank or not.

Daniel Bryan d. Heath Slater

Some good back and forth mat wrestling between the two, though the match had some awkward transitions as they felt each other out. Slater attempted to block a tornado DDT, but Bryan latched on and turned it into a chokehold for the win out of nowhere.

Backstage, Mark Henry tells Matt Stiker that he has no remorse for putting Big Show on the shelf, because he should’ve known better than to get in the ring with Mark Henry. In fact, nobody in the world should get in the ring with Mark Henry. Well, I agree with him there. Zing.

Sheamus drew with Wade Barrett (Count Out)

This after Barrett kicked Sheamus in the head last week on Smackdown. Both guys are heels, but Sheamus got a huge pop coming out and was playing to the crowd between spots, so this might be the start of a turn for him. Both guys got caught up outside and counted out. Barrett set him up for Wasteland, but Sheamus slid out and loaded up the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the moral victory.

There was a Cody Rhodes hype package here, but no new content, so I’m not sure if it’ll be on the show or not.

Backstage, Kane tells the camera that he used to be a monster feared by everyone in the locker room, but now he’s being haunted by his own humanity, so he’s going to destroy Randy Orton tonight to rebuild his own image.

Randy Orton d. Kane
In a Street Fight

A lot of fun early 2000s garbage wrestling to start with kendo sticks and stairs flying everywhere. Orton went for a spot where he was going to jump off of the announce table onto Kane, but the table tipped over and landed awkwardly on Orton’s leg. He got up and smirked to the crowd to downplay the spot and threw Kane into the stairs to buy himself some time to recover. They actually stopped the match at that point and had a trainer and Jack Doan look him over (and John Lauranitas came down to check on him as well), but eventually things got restarted with Orton limping around and Kane doing most of the legwork for the remainder of the spots. They traded near falls after finishers in the ring, but Kane eventually gave up and got a chair which he used to take Orton down and set up a Tombstone onto the chair, however, a couple of quick reversals after that, and Kane had eaten an RKO on the chair for the win.

After the match, Orton hobbled backstage while Kane sat in the ring looking disgusted with himself. He went to leave, but he got stopped by Mark Henry, who proceeded to destroy him with a couple World’s Strongest Slams and splashes. Then he grabbed a chair and Pilmanized Kane just like he did to Show on Sunday. Referees dragged Henry out of the ring, and Kane got picked up and moved off by some medics.

Dark Match II: Electric Ortonloo

Tony Chimel announced that things had changed and that Orton would indeed be getting his rematch in a street fight tonight. Christian came out with a mic and said that, while he wanted no part of this, he was sure he’d be leaving with the World Title here tonight.

Christian d. Randy Orton

I can’t believe that, if Orton were really hurt, he’d work the bonus match like this, but he was massaging his quad during every little break in the match. Maybe he just bruised it. Christian tried a kendo stick and one of the protective mats from the barrier (!) but to no avail, as Orton just kept powering back into the match. While Christian laid prone, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes ran out from the back and started circling Orton. The distraction was just enough for Christian to roll Orton up for the pinfall. Afterwards, DiBiase and Rhodes started laying into their former legacy leader while Christian escaped, but a miscommunication between the two led to RKOs for both. Christian ran back into the ring, but ate another RKO. Then Orton posed to the crowd and the lights went off.

Not a bad show by any means, though sort of paint-by-numbers feeling considering what has been going on over on RAW. No appearances by Triple H to expand that storyline into Friday nights. A lot of weird heel/face dynamics, particularly in the Sheamus/Barrett and Kane/Orton matchups, where there was no real clear storyline reason to cheer for one or the other of them, leaving everybody sort of flat. Still, good promo work by Kane and Christian and a couple solid matches in Bryan/Slater and Orton/Kane worth checking out on Friday.

Even being there, I’m not sure what to make of Orton’s injury, the table collapsing clearly wasn’t planned and he really did seem to struggle to stay mobile after that spot, but if he was injured badly he wouldn’t have worked that dark match. I’d probably guess that he’s got a deep bruise on that leg, and it shouldn’t keep him out of action too long.

YouTube: Like It Could Be Anything Else

July 19, 2011 YouTube No comments

No real need for commentary this week. Just take all this in:

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for July 10th – 16th, 2011

July 19, 2011 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Google+ the Most Popular Social Media Site Nobody You Know Is Using. Google CEO Larry Page announced this week that ten million people signed up for the Google Plus service this week, making it the fastest growing social media venture of all time. Who signed up for Google Plus? Um…Let me…get back to you on that.

2. Some Movie Came Out. “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2″ broke all sorts of box office records ($476 million!) on its way to first place this week, ensuring that JK Rowling will, in fact, get her solid gold castle to complete her set. Just a word of advice though: Don’t bother seeing it in 3D. I don’t know of a movie that made lazier use of 3D effects.

3. Everybody’s Still Talking About CM Punk. It’s a little odd, as a wrestling fan/columnist to see my “sport” being covered as an event by actual media outlets like ESPN and GQ when nobody had to die first. If handled correctly this CM Punk thing could spark a wrestling revitalization (or, more likely, not).

4. That World Cup Thing Didn’t End So Well. It was a fun ride for Hope Solo, Abby Womack and the rest of the U.S. Women’s soccer team, but they fell short in the finals to a plucky Japenese team, which will no doubt be the subject of some inspirational Anime sports story. Back to not caring about soccer, y’all! WOOO!

5. You Still Don’t Have a Chance. J-Lo broke up with Marc Anthony this week, and no. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t even try it. Yes, I know he looks like Skeletor, but you have to remember, Skeletor hooked up with Evil Lyn. Skeletons get girls with big booties. You, sir, still don’t have a chance.

« Older Entries