Archive for August 2011

World of Warcraft Wednesday: The Oculus

August 31, 2011 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

Remember way back when we got really mad at the Blue Dragonflight and stormed the Nexus to stop a rape, and then we killed a red dragon for no real reason? Well, we left them alone to think about that for a few levels.

Now we’re back in the Nexus, though, a couple levels up, and while they were attacking us in Dalaran trying to take down our shields in Violet Hold, we’re trying to do the same in Nexus. We’re not going to get into Malygos’ inner sanctum by standing around for another five levels.

Degree of Difficulty: Easy

The trash is basically non-existent. There’s a run of really easy mobs standing in the entryway, and then a few stone giants and their handlers standing around, but that’s about it.

There isn’t even much in terms of bosses. Drakos guards the portal into the instance proper, and he has a few bombs, a pushback, and a pull. Varos Cloudstrider shoots a few beams and dies really fast. Mage-Lord Urom runs around making you fight adds before cornering him and trying not to die to that AoE frost thing that sticks around even after he’s dead.

Then there’s Eregos, who is either the easiest or the hardest boss in Wrath Content depending on how well your party (or conversely, you) can pay attention to what abilities your dragon mount has, because you just press three buttons until he dies, unless you wander too far into the pile of whelp adds and they kill you.

Special Features:

The instance is available in normal and Heroic modes. Killing mobs in the instance will net you reputation with the Alliance or Horde Expedition if you run without a reputation tabard. Playing this instance from the random dungeon finder gives a small chance of the Blue Drake mount dropping in a bag at the end.

Recommended for Levels: 77 (Normal)/80 (Heroic)

It’s short, the bosses up to Erygos are laughably easy, and there’s essentially no trash. If your party is terrible at flying the dragons, a relic of Blizzard’s adorable “Everything needs vehicles that take away your abilities!” stage, then the last bit is dangerously grating.

Newer players might want to avoid this one, mostly because, as tempting as it is (especially with the mount) chances are you’re going to get a whole group who argues about what color dragons to use (each color has an achievement), and at least four people who can’t fathom how their dragons work. It’s a cool aside instance with a neat gimmick, but you can probably skip it.

YouTube Monday: Humans in Revolt

August 29, 2011 Video Games, YouTube No comments

Sometimes I just like to use this space to tell you cool things to buy.

This week’s cool thing? Deus Ex: Human Revolution. If you like western RPGs, action games, stealth games, cyberpunk, regular punk, or video games at all, this game is worth checking out. It’s a million times better of a sequel than Deus Ex Invisible War was, and it’s almost a spiritual sequel to Alpha Protocol (one of the most underrated games in history) in a lot of ways.

Just ignore the news reporter dressing up like Stripperella. I don’t know what’s up with that.

Weekend Top Five for August 21st – 27th, 2011

August 28, 2011 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Stand Back, There’s a Hurricane Coming Through. Hurricane Irene is making a long, slow journey through the entire East Coast, after they’d just recovered from that earthquake. So, best of luck to our East Coasterly friends as they fight off both the Natural Disasters.

2. Apple’s New Boss? A More Different Version of the Old Boss. Tim Cook was announced as the new CEO of Apple this week, taking over the position from Steve Jobs who is retiring to deal with his health issues. So will it make a difference? Well, Cook isn’t as charismatic or visionary as Jobs, but he’s got better hair so probably not.

3. Gamestop In Trouble. Gamestop is feeling some heat this week after it was revealed that they were removing the OnLive code pages from copies of Deus Ex: Human Revolution because it essentially grants the user a “free” virtual copy of the game, thereby destroying it’s used game market.

4. Everybody Cheats, Sometimes. Cheating in college sports is nothing new, but big programs getting sanctioned for said cheating? Big deal. Currently, Ohio State, USC, LSU, and Miami are all facing or serving big time punishments from the NCAA, and a few other large scale programs are staring down that same barrel. Look at it this way, those Boise State and TCU fans might finally get a national championship game!

5. X-Box Out in Japan. After nearly a decade of poor sales and support, it looks like Microsoft may finally be losing the Japanese market forever. Several major Japanese retailers announced this week that they will no longer carry the X-Box system or games, and may not carry any future non-Sony or Nintendo consoles.

World of Warcraft: Halls of Stone

August 25, 2011 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

As it turns out, the dwarves we all know and love are all former rock and metal people who got cursed with becoming mortal. But where were rock people born? Created? Whatever? Well, the Halls of Stone outside Ulduar, of course.

So you follow seasoned adventurer Brann Bronzebeard as he tries to figure out how Iron Dwarves came to be, and whether or not he could still make a slew of them to help secure Northrend. As a bonus, he almost kills you in the process! Twice!

Degree of Difficulty: Easy

Most of the troublesome mobs can be skipped, and you can pretty much blow through the individual packs without any difficulty with anything approaching a decent group.

The Maiden of Grief is a skippable boss, a Titan Watcher who does ground damage, a stun, and some standard attacks. Krystallus is a stone giant way off in his own little wing of the instance, with a knockback, a timed shatter attack, and a pretty hard hitting ranged attack. The final boss is Sjonnir the Ironshaper, a vykrul who has chain lightening and an AoE with a ton of adds throughout the fight. If it goes too long, Brann will bring some Iron Dwarves to the fight to help you, but it probably won’t happen.

Speaking of Brann, there’s another “boss fight” where you have to protect him for a few minutes against waves of troggs and golems while lasers shoot at you. It’s not terribly difficult. It and the Sjonnir fight are the only two you actually need to do to finish the instance.

Special Features:

The instance is available in normal and Heroic modes. Killing mobs in the instance will net you reputation with the Alliance or Horde Expedition if you run without a reputation tabard.

Recommended for Levels: 76 (Normal)/79 (Heroic)

Everything hits pretty hard, and Sjonnir is pretty difficult at level, but the instance is very short, gives fairly good experience and the loot is pretty good for the level.

This is one worth hitting a few times as you treck up through Wrath content. You’ll get through it fast enough to hit something else, and if you’re really hard up for XP and/or gear, the optional bosses are right there to go after too.

YouTube: Portal Proposal

August 25, 2011 Video Games, YouTube No comments

Using video games to do something cool and sweet is sort of weird.

This? Is no different. Some guy made a series of Portal 2 maps for his girlfriend, went out and hired the girl who played GLADoS to record new dialog, and used the game to propose to her.

Sweet. Really sweet (and probably expensive). But kind of weird nonetheless.

Congratulations to the happy couple. May they spend many days staring at their computer screen and not eachother.

RAW Satire for 8/22/11

August 25, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Kevin Nash made his big WWE return by forgetting all his lines and being too lazy to leave. It’s just like he never left! Also, I’m pretty sure that Triple H doesn’t even have a cellphone. And The Miz hates sandwiches. What other foods doesn’t he like? Find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Ricardo is in the ring. Yay, Ricardo!

Ricardo Rodriguez: Here’s that guy!

Alberto Del Rio: I-

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOOO! YOOOOOOOO!

Alberto Del Rio,
You’re wearing the belt?
The only thing you deserve,
Is a big red welt!

Sneaking in the ring,
Cuz you won Money in the Bank,
You stole the Babies Title,
Even though you stank!

CM Punk is the man!
Never a sneaky creep,
You’re just a guy,
Who makes me fall asleep!

A new car every week,
Do you even know its name?
You took Ricardo’s house!
You should be feeling shame!

So I’m invoking my rematch,
John Cena has no peer!
I’m gonna beat you down,
BECAUSE THE CHAMP IS-

CM Punk: Still not you! Geez. Take some anger management classes or something, John! I mean, thanks for putting me over, I guess, but really nothing you ever say makes any sense anymore. I mean, I’m a sneaky creep too! I won two Money in the Banks, and cashed them both in on guys who were knocked out. And you did beat Rey after he had just wrestled a match, which is almost as bad as what ‘Berto here did-

Del Rio: Hey! I may wear a dress and spit eggs in my downtime, but I am NOT an asexual pink bird!

Ricardo: You’re not?!

Punk: B-E-R-T-O! Anyway, Birdo here is in the right.

Cena: HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW THE NAME OF HIS CAR!

Punk: Cars don’t have names, John. Don’t be weird about this.

Cena: My cars have names.

Punk: Besides which, if anybody has a rematch clause to invoke, it’s this guy right here. I mean who won that match at Summerslam? Oh right! Who won at Money in the Bank? Oh right! You wore a fake belt that you basically cheated to win for a couple weeks, and got your rematch at Summerfest. You’re done. Is what I would be saying if I knew that wasn’t a load of crap. You’ll be in every title match until the end of time, and I’m starting to wonder if Triple H and Kevin Nash and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley and Johnny Ace and Shannon Moore and everybody else is conspiring to keep me just popular enough to sell these stylish T-shirts but not able to actually do anything.

R-Truth: I tried to tell you! I told you but you didn’t listen. CONSPIRACY~!

Del Rio: Does anybody care what I-

Cena: NO! This title feud is between me and Mr. M Punk!

Del Rio: Not the guy with the belt?

Cena: Nope.

Triple H: Guys, guys, guys! As the CEOOFO of WWE, I’ve got to come out here and get this sorted out. Alberto, you’ve got a match next. Don’t worry, it’s really easy, but hopefully that shuts you up for a minute. As for all these rematch clauses, I’ve given up trying to figure out what I was going for with the two titles there. Technically Punk should get the rematch, but I’m pretty sure Cena is guaranteed at least five rematches per his contract, so you guys can just wrestle for it tonight. Winner gets a WWE title shot.

Punk: Typical!

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. John Morrison

I just realized that I don’t know the name of my car either! I feel sort of shamed by that. Not as shamed as John Morrison feels about…pretty much everything right now though. He’s still got cool sunglasses, I guess. Michael Cole makes thing worse by declaring Morrison “on a roll,” having won two matches since his comeback. Del Rio tries to put JoMo out of his misery quickly with an Arm Bar, but the guy is so greasy he just slips right out. Morrison does a backflip in agony, but misses the ground and starts floating.

(ads)

Del Rio is poking at him coming out from the break, but Morrison is still defying gravity. I hope he’s happy right now. What am I saying? Of course he’s not. He’s John Morrison. Del Rio tries to get him to just quit, not even doing any moves at this point, but Morrison is just on autopilot, occasionally throwing a kick or missing a moonsault, his brain having officially shut down somewhere around a month ago. Finally Morrison misses Starship Pain (That’s His Move!) but Del Rio no-sells it anyway and puts him in the Arm Bar. Morrison screams “Do it! Break it!” but sadly, the bell is called for and Morrison will live to fight another day.

Backstage, Kelly hollas, and Eve says “Ho.” Well that’s not very nice.

(ads)

Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) vs. Eve Torres (w/ Kelly Kelly Kelly)

I mean, Eve should just know how Kelly do. Get with the program, Eve Torres. In an interview from earlier tonight, Beth and Natalya ask that we don’t treat them like women, don’t treat them like men. Just treat them like who and what they are. Ladies with big jaws. Somewhere, Abe Orton is going nuts. And begging for change. Eve with the booty pop for the win. Kelly also hits a move on Brie, so play HER music instead! She’s worse than John Cena with that crap. Natalya and Beth come out and clap, because Diva unity, you guys! Don’t be a bully!

Backstage, Kevin Nash stares into a mirror, and sees only Michael P.S. Hayes.

(ads)

Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler) vs. Alex Riley

Jack Swagger has a posse. Unfortunately, for him, I don’t think they count. In fact, I don’t think Dolph is even all that happy about being relegated to “posse duty” even though that’s what he’s been doing for Vickie for quite a while now. Don’t worry, Jerry “” Lawler will be around to explain that joke to you all later. Swagger still can’t hit his finisher, and unfortunately, he’s not John Morrison, so this week that means he loses. Also, somewhere in there, Vickie fell over. Orton wins!

(ads)

Want to see other people falling over? Check out WWE.com, where it’s apparently a Falloverathon or something.

Here’s HHH!

Triple H: Hey guys! So, I talked to Kevin last week, Kevin Nash that is. I can call him “Kevin.” Anyway, he’s really really sorry about what happened. He doesn’t know who sent him the text message, but it wasn’t me! I swear! These sausage fingers are too fat to text! So now he wants to come out and say hello to everybody, and I think that’s pretty cool.

Kevin Nash: Why don’t I have music yet? Who am I R-Truth? I’m not saying sorry or hello to anybody! I’m Kevin frigging Nash. Big Sexy Daddy Cool Giant Killer Diesel!

HHH: Come on, man, the WWE Universe wants you to say hello! You don’t have to put anybody over, just mumble a quick greeting and be on your way.

Nash: Canada blows, but at least Tim Hortons is half decent.

The crowd pops huge for that, because even in Canada they don’t care for Canadians. Here’s CM Punk with the retort.

CM Punk: Kevin! Your beard is weird! Your facial hair can’t keep you out of a rocking chair. And Hunter! Did you use a sledgehammer to type that text? Of course not! Everybody knows you can’t spell! So maybe it was Stephanie! Her long, slender fingers stroking the phone until a message just squirted out and hit Kevin Nash.

HHH: I don’t know whether or not I like what I think you may or may not be insinuating!

Punk: Well, basically the gist of what I’m getting at is that I don’t really care who sent the text message, who raised the briefcase, or who drove the Hummer. Because at this point, I’m just going to kick ol’ No Knees in the balls and walk away from this cesspool.

Nash: Is he talking about me?! AM I OLD NO KNEES?!

HHH: Easy there, Big Knee-y! Everybody knows you’ve got two knees. He’s just trying to get under your skin.

Punk: And you! Oh, Mr. Backne himself. I just want you to know that I’ve had sex with every girl in the locker room. Every. One.

HHH: But that would mean…! Look, I’m just going to calm down a bit, because I promised the Board of Directors that I wouldn’t wrestle anymore, and this is coming dangerously close to being an angle where the only possible blow off is me having a match. I’m beyond that now. I’ve ascended to a higher plane of existence. One where-

Punk: You don’t have any balls. Because of the steroids. Got it.

Nash with a punch out of nowhere, and then he bails as fast as he can, which still gives Punk about twenty minutes to catch up, but Punk is no-selling it anyway so he just kind of sits there and waits for ol’ No Knees to get out of there. HHH is none too happy about this latest development, because he’s suddenly realized that he’s become friends with Michael Hayes.

(ads)

Backstage….

Triple H: I’m just saying three different colors of hair is not normal! And that mustache, what is with that?

Kevin Nash: Ugh. I screwed up with my razor a little bit. And I think my beard being like this makes me look refined.

HHH: As in processed through a refinery? Because it looks like we could lower the price of oil by ringing it out a bit. And it’s not just the hair. It’s the whole outfit. What’s up with that Hawaiian shirt? Are you going to a luau later?

Nash: YOU USED TO BE COOL! I NEVER LIKED YOU! I WAS ONLY FRIENDS WITH YOU BECAUSE SHAWN SAID I HAD TO BE!

HHH: Oh, you don’t mean that.

Nash: No. I do mean that. I’m out of here. I hope They take you out. I don’t know what Their plan is, but I hope They succeed and destroy you. Insult my beard and clothes will you. I’m done.

Nash slowly crawls away.

Kofi Johnston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

McGillicutty is ballin’ more than MVP ever was. Kofi, in his new powder blue ring gear, is more Shelton than ever. Seriously, when the hell did he buy that? It’s weird. I have nothing to say about Evan or Otunga. Sorry. Jerry “” Lawler has plenty to say though, channeling Michael Cole and complaining to everybody that will listen that Mike and David are boring. Thankfully, nobody’s listened to anything Jerry’s said since 1998. McGillicutty yells at Lawler, but Jerry is too busy getting scolded by J.R. Unfortunately for the champs, Shelton was great at winning tag titles, and Kofi and Evan win the tag titles.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Kofi and Evan.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with these two. And guys, I don’t really care about the Tag Team Titles, so do you care if I bail?

Kofi Johnston: Not at all.

Out of nowhere are Derrick Bateman and Titus O’Neal with a bottle of champagne.

Derrick Bateman: Here. We’ve been saving this for the winner of NXT, but that’s never going to happen. Way to win some belts, you guys.

Titus O’Neal: Bark bark bark.

Evan Bourne: Where’s Darren Young, anyway?

O’Neal: Who the hell cares?

Aksana: Are you needing manager? I have green card!

In the background, Zack Ryder and Drew McIntyre scowl.

Elsewhere….

Johnny Ace: Hunter, I need a truckload of honey to sooth my throat, but it can’t get through traffic. Apparently, there’s been an accident. A wrestler ran off the highway.

Triple H: A wrestler?! Oh God, did Kevin just leave?

Ace: Oh, I think so. You don’t think it was him do you? Why would he be in such a hurry to leave?

HHH: Kevin! Oh, God! I killed Kevin Nash! Johnny, can you watch the show for a while? I have to go help him!

Ace: Oh, suuuuure. If you see any honey trucks let them know I’m still waiting.

Hunter waddles off as fast as he can.

(ads)
Santino Marella vs.-

Poor Santino doesn’t even make it off the ramp, because he’s waylaid by R-Truth and The Miz. They both grab mics.

R-Truth: Oh don’t tell me you don’t all see what’s been happening to CM Punk earlier. And what’s just happened to Kevin Nash right now. You don’t think there’s a conspiracy? Oh, there’s a conspiracy alright! A conspiracy to hold me down with spiders! They took the Bananarama out of my pants, and now I can’t main event any PPVs! And something sort of similar happened to Miz too!

The Miz: Yeah! I can’t believe they made me come out here and talk to Jared! Everybody knows that The Miz is a Quiznos guy!

Truth: That doesn’t sound so bad.

Miz: It does if you remember that this time last year I was main eventing PPVs. Now I can’t even buy a feud against an actual wrestler.

Truth: Well that does it! Now we’re a tag team!

Miz: Yeah! Now we…wait, I never agreed to that!

Truth: Now I’m going to rap about things that rhyme with team!

I’m too extreme
I like sun beams,
I shoot a trireme,
My pants got a seam,
Like a crazy dream-

Miz: You suck.

Truth: Yeah! There you go!

You Suck!
You Suck!

(ads)

CM Punk vs. John Cena
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ Babies Title

Johnny Ace and Alberto Del Rio are sitting at ringside playing tiddlywinks and not really paying attention to what’s going on in the ring. I wonder how long Alberto took before sitting down to make sure that his scarf was playfully splashed across his shoulders like that. That takes some planning. The crowd is chanting “Let’s Go Oilers!” Where were all Nash’s fans earlier tonight? Do they only show up halfway through the show like he does? How dedicated! I wonder if they know about his terrible accident that totally just happened right now. Punk can totally see Cena.

(ads)

Punk goes for a Savage Elbowdrop, but if Punk isn’t going to sell for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, then he’s sure as hell not going to sell for a dead guy’s finisher. Then he locks in the Crossface. Oh, John Cena. You are a mystery wrapped in a jellybean. Punk eventually gets tired of it and knees Cena right in the damn face. Well, that’s one way to do it. Cena is down, and Punk gets him up for the GTS. But then, no music hits, and you know what that means! THE GHOST OF KEVIN NASH!

Kevin Nash: Hey! Hey! Look at me! I’m not a ghost! I’m standing on the top of the ramp!

Punk, of course, looks, and Cena grabs him into an AA for the win. What a dastardly coward that Cena is using a distraction to get the win! But before he can celebrate with some APPLEDOUGH, Alberdough rolls into the ring and starts wailing on him with scarf-assisted punches. Oh, he’s going to ruin the stitching! Cena’s not worth it, Alberto! Johnny Ace makes a lame attempt to try to stop the beat down, but he’s not a dynamic enough dude to stop Alberto Del Rio from accomplishing his destiny of beating down John Cena during a worthless RAW overrun.

Next Week: Kevin Nash actually does die on his way to his home planet. CM Punk tries to join the R-Miz stable, but he’s denied until he feuds with a low level fast food mascot (look out Mayor McCheese!). And Kofi Johnston and Evan Bourne continue the epic legacy of the WWE Tag Team titles by losing to the Usos on Internet Superstars.

Elsewhere….

Triple H: Oh God! Kevin! Kevin?! Are you ok?!

Matt Hardy: Mfmglpg.

HHH: Matt Hardy?! You’re not Kevin Nash. Get out of here.

Hardy: I’m…trapped…in…this…car. Help! This tree didn’t cleanse me as much as I thought.

HHH: Ugh. I can’t believe I drove all the way out here for this.

Tough Enough Jessie: Hello, Hunter.

HHH: You! You dare show yourself?

T.E. Jessie: You don’t have any help. My people are watching right now.

HHH: Yeah right.

Michael Tarver: Nah, she’s not kidding.

HHH: AH! An olden times bandit! Where the hell did you come from?!

T.E. Jessie: You’re lucky, Hunter. It’s not your time yet. But the hour of twilight is approaching. Consider this a warning. Your actions have destroyed the WWE Universe, and we will not stop until you have come to justice.

HHH: A lot of talk. I’m out of here. You’ll never stop me, crybaby. I’m bigger than this. I’m bigger than WWE.

Hunter leaves.

Hardy: Jessie! Can you help me?

T.E. Jessie: Matt?! What the hell are you doing here?

Hardy: Enlightening myself by hitting trees across the country.

T.E. Jessie: That sounds…stupid.

Hardy: Let’s…restart…OMEGA!

Michael Tarver kicks him in the face.

T.E. Jessie: Michael!

Tarver: Aw, come on. I haven’t gotten to kick anybody in forever!

YouTube Monday: G Is Also for Cookie

August 22, 2011 YouTube No comments

I don’t know why 97% of the videos on YouTube exist, and this is one of them. Tom Waits’ “God’s Away on Business” in a match-up with Seasame Street’s own diabetes train, Cookie Monster.

Like, I understand the concept (Tom Waits sounds weird), but…still. Why?

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for August 14th – 20th, 2011

August 22, 2011 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Fox Has Gotten Even Lamer. Fox broadcasting announced this week that they are pulling online broadcasts of their programming until 8 days after the show runs on Television, except for Dish TV and Hulu+ Subscribers. They’d previously done this for the show House. I guess the moral of this story is, if you want to watch something you’d watch legally, download it illegally.

2. The King Is Dead, Long Live The King! Burger King announced this week that they are getting rid of their creeptastic King mascot. I’ll miss the poor, creepy bastard. No word yet on if that Subservient Chicken ever got out of his basement.

3. HP Out. Hewlett-Packard, one of the three big computer companies still around, announced this week that it is eliminating its smart phone/tablet division entirely and might be preparing to severely scale back all its hardware operations. In other news, I am typing this from a Fisher Price computer. It’s red and has a clown face.

4. Because Limiting Product Has Worked So Well in the Past. EA announced that they are limiting the first production run of its upcoming Star Wars MMO “The Old Republic,” in order to assure that the servers won’t get overloaded with new accounts in the first month. More likely to happen? The people who don’t get copies will trudge home, turn on WoW and forget about The Old Republic.

5. Everybody on the Pre-Blizzcon Rumor Train! Choo Choo! Speaking of which, it’s that time of year again! Time for the pre-Blizzcon “leaks” to get everybody to buy the online feed. Mists of Pandaria! An entire expansion based around that furry picture that one guy drew one time! Everybody getting those cosmetic slots for armor people have been clamboring for since they traded in their vanilla armor for clown shoes. And hey, six months worth of Deathwing farming!

World of Warcraft: Gundrak

August 22, 2011 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

So we cleared the trolls out of Drak’Theron Keep, but it turns out all they did was retreat to to their capital city of Gundrak. And since we’re stupid and we love killing trolls, let’s all pile in there and kill them.

Seriously, though, their priests are getting awfully close to summoning up the powers of their gods, which is both an awesome idea, and kind of crappy. So your mission? Go in there and stop them. And make your own fight against the Scourge that much harder!

Degree of Difficulty: Medium

There are some pretty densely packed trash mobs that can cause trouble for unprepared groups. Also a lot of them have knockbacks, which can get pretty annoying, especially if you get tossed into the fish infested waters.

As for the bosses, Slad’ran the snake god, has a pretty powerful poison AoE and snake adds. The Drakkari Colossus comes in two stages, a standard dps race against his stone form and a water form that does a pretty hard hitting ground attack. Moorabi transforms into a hard hitting mammoth (though 2 of 3 transformations can be interrupted). Eck, in heroic mode, does some serious DPS, has a berzerk, a DoT, and an aggro clear. And the final boss Gal’dara has an AoE and can transform into a rhino and gore you.

Special Features:

The instance is available in normal and Heroic modes. Killing mobs in the instance will net you reputation with the Alliance or Horde Expedition if you run without a reputation tabard.

Recommended for Levels: 75 (Normal)/78 (Heroic)

Being a circular instance where you have to basically kill all the trash and all the bosses (except Eck), Gundrak isn’t very popular, and for good reason, it’s one of the longer instances in Wrath content.

A good group should be able to conquer it fairly easily, but these days it feels like kind of a waste of time. There are three achievements in the instance worth getting (What the Eck, for speed killing Gal’dara with Eck’s DoT still active, Less-rabi for killing him without any transformations, and Share the Love if everybody is gored by Gal’dara). Otherwise? Steer clear.

RAW Satire for 8/15/11

August 18, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Last Night: CM Punk won then lost the WWE Spinnin’ Babies Title when Kevin Nash showed up and stroked his long, luxurious hair until Alberto Del Rio rolled Punk up for the win. Also, Triple H is not a referee. And Kelly Kelly Kelly officially stole Melina’s “Most Dominate Diva” title. Maybe she’ll steal our hearts…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Hunter.

Triple H: Man, now I remember why I’m not a referee. Remembering all those rules and things is hard. No feet on the ropes, no chairs to the face, no steroids. There’s only so much I can write on the back of my hands, you guys! I kinda feel bad for how we treated WWE RAW Refereee Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiike Chioda now. But oh well, what’s done is done. Speaking of which, I don’t know anything about why Kevin Nash was here last night. He certainly isn’t working for me and taking out my enemies in any way shape or form. He definitely wasn’t there last night to debrief me on the disappearance of X-Pac. So let’s put those rumors to bed, ok? He’ll be here later tonight, where he better have good news on the location of…um…his morals. How dare he attack a guy like that? Anyway, speaking of guys, here’s WWE Spinnin’ Babies Champion, Alberto Del Rio!

Alberto Del Rio: Hahahaha! What did I tell you?! I said it was my Destiny to become WWE Champion, and look what I did! I gave away my briefcase and got the WWE Title instead! I’d like to thank Kevin Nash for deflecting the CM Punk angle away from me, so now I can run as WWE Champion basically unopposed until Royal Rumble at least! And then I might just win that again so I can take Wrestlemania off! All that for a lousy briefcase I wasn’t even using anyway!

Ricardo Rodriguez: I was living in there….

Del Rio: You can stay in one of my cars!

Ricardo: Really?!

Del Rio: Of course not! I don’t want your hair greasing up the seats.

Ricardo: Sigh…so what are we doing tonight, Alberto?

Del Rio: The same thing we do every night, Ricky! We’re beating up Rey Misterio! And if anybody wants to come say hello to me, I’ll be in the concession stands selling bootleg CM Punk T-Shirts!

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R-Truth vs. John Morrison
In a Falls Count Anywhere Match

A little video of Morrison plays during his intro. “I know I haven’t won a match since I came back, but I really think this is my night, you guys! Seriously, I’ve got a good feeling about this one!” Meanwhile, R-Truth has “What’s Up” back as his theme, buth with significantly less Bananarama in his pants. Sorry ladies. Or…guys? I don’t know who would be more excited to find Bananarama in R-Truth’s pants. J.R. helpfully points out that this match favors Morrison, because “he can’t win a match in the ring.” Oh! Maybe they’ll fight outside in the parking lot and Melina can help him!

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I do like that Truth’s new ring gear has tributes to “Little Jimmy” all over it. That’s dedication that we never got from the likes of Jon Hrrnrrnrr. They fight out into the crowd, because that’s the sort of thing that’s really been missing from PG WWE. The chance for little children to take shots at the heels as they wander through the crowd. Truth is tired of this nonsense, so he sits down and Morrison hits him with a Shining Wizard into a vat of feathers. Morrison wins! Morrison wins! Though that has to be the most comfortable loss ever.

Backstage, CM Punk is not drinking or getting high.

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Here’s The Miz. He’s come to play Othello, I think. I get to be black pieces! This just isn’t as charming without a weird old little person and John Morrison badly lipsynching to it.

The Miz: Let me cut to the chase! Jared from Subway! Your longstanding feud with the WWE Lockerroom is not forgotten! You think you could just get away? Well, like Santino Marella before me, I’m stealing this sandwich. Mmm! Delicious BMT! Try one today at Subway! In your…in your face, Jared. From Subway. Eat fresh.

A single tear rolls down Miz’s’z’s’’ face.

Backstage, Kevin Nash makes a heroic effort to get out of his limo. Once that fails, he just instructs the driver to “do a JBL.”

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Trace Adkins is lost, I think.

Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. The Bella Twins

I wonder if the Bellas realize they’re not in the new WWE game. Or would that be unfair to have every one of their matches be a handicap match. And how lazy is that? All you have to do is model one girl, copy her, and then slap on a crotch tattoo. Boom. Bella Twins. I will say that, while she isn’t the best wrestler in the world, Kelly might have the world’s greatest torso. Oddly enough, that was a rejected nickname for Shelton Benjamin. Eve gets the win with a Moonsault. Wait…what? Why was Eve even in this match? Afterwards, Beth Phoenix and Natalya come out in what I will generously call “dresses” and stare at Trace Adkins. They can smell fear, Trace.

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Kevin Nash has finally rolled on down to the ring.

Kevin Nash: Aaaaah. Whew. That’s a hell of a walk, what was that? Ten feet. Oh man. Anyway, yeah, if you don’t know, I’m Kevin Nash, the biggest star in Wrestling history. I’ve been World Champion, I destroyed WCW pretty much by myself. So yeah, I was in L.A. last night for Summerfest, just…um…checking on some things. Looking for my buddy X-Pac, you know. Haven’t heard from him since last week. Then, all the sudden I get a text message saying “beat up the winnar of main event lol! g2g” and I thought to myself, “Self, Scott doesn’t know how to use a cell phone, and X-Pac is missing, so this must have come from Triple H.” So I did what every other 50 year old with bad knees and no athletic ability would do. I hurdled a barricade and kicked a guy in the face. I don’t even know his name. Then some other guy came out and won the match, but I was too tired to kick him too. And I feel sort of bad about that, but hey, what can you do? That’s life.

CM Punk: That guy you kicked in the face was ME! And while nobody gets off from getting kicked in the face by legends more than me, you sort of cost me the WWE Spinnin’ Babies Title, and that’s sort of what I’ve been all about the past couple weeks. I mean, I’m not mad at Alberto Del Rio, that guy’s hilarious, but I am sort of mad at you. I mean you ruined the business once already, twice if you count coming back with the nWo a few years ago and basically doing nothing. Can’t you just leave us alone and let us fail in our own right?

Nash: Is this what passes for a wrestler these days? Holy crap. I mean, I thought the X Division was bad, but you know that was all “Hahaha TNA!” but this? Wow, man. Can you even lift a weight?

Punk: No, but I can talk to a weight until it rolls itself off a cliff. But you want to blame ending my career on a text message, that totally came from Triple H and not one of the ten billion other people who owns a cell phone. Well hey, I just got a text message from my sister Serita M Punk, lets see what she says, “whys that guys beard so different from the rest of his face? lol bbq!” And this one from my former associate Serena! “So drunk right now ahahaha!” So anybody can send a message about anything. For all you know, Jared from Subway sent that message!

Nash: Jared isn’t that smart! Anyway, nobody has my phone number except Hunter, Pac, who’s missing, and Hall. And Scotty can’t see well enough to text.

Punk: Ah yes! Scott Hall! I honestly, don’t even need to say anything else.

Nash: Hey! You outta be thanking us! All that guaranteed money you got? That’s thanks to me and Scotty taking WCW for all it was worth back in the day!

Punk: You guys took all the money! There’s none left for us!

Nash: Heh. Yeah.

Punk: I have half a mind to kick you in the face, right now.

The Police block Punk’s path to the ring.

Punk: Come on, man! After all he’s done to you?

Sting: I guess I’m just gullible.

Punk walks off in a huff. Sting goes in the ring to shake Nash’s hand, and Nash power bombs him.

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Backstage, Kevin Nash is standing by with Triple H’s Door.

Kevin Nash: Woah! Long time no see, man! What’ve you been up to?

Triple H’s Door: …..

Nash: Ah! A door of few words! That’s why you’re the champ.

Johnny Ace: Hey, Kevin, Hunter’s not in right now. He’s talking to CM Punk about a great Throat Lozenge sponsorship opportunity I worked for us.

Nash: That sounds weird. Who the hell are you again?

Ace: I have a great idea. Why don’t you come back to my “private office” in a “dark closet” so we can “have a meeting” about your “future in this industry.”

Nash: I have a better idea, why don’t you get the hell away from me and let me spend some time with my buddy the Door.

Ace: Ok. If you want though, my door is always open to you, Big Sexy. Always.

Nash: What a maroon, eh, Door?

HHH’s Door: Creeeeeeeak.

Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger

Dolph and Vickie are on commentary and screaming at each other on commentary which derails things pretty much immediately. Jerry “” Lawler breaks out his book of “101 Hilarious Fat Jokes.” Michael Cole is, I think, hitting on Vickie. And possibly Dolph. And J.R. just shuts down and starts mumbling barbecue sauce recipies under his breath, but not quite quiet enough to keep them off mic. Vickie steals Ross’ hat, and Dolph, exasperated, wonders if Vickie doesn’t have enough hats already. He doesn’t get up and go after her, he just sounds so defeated. Swagger wins after failing to hit his finisher something like eight times because Riley’s a fatass.

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Backstage….

Jack Swagger: Will you please be my manager? Now that I don’t have Michael Cole to leach heat off anymore, my career is back in the toilet.

Vickie Guerrero: Anything to get me more TV time!

Swagger: Uh…heh. I hope you count the Internet as TV!

Vickie: What was that?

Swagger: Nothing! I’m just a big dumb goofy guy!

Vickie: Yay!

Elsewhere….

CM Punk: What the hell are you doing here?

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: You have sex with all the girls in the locker room, and you’re the hottest thing in the business right now. Have you seen my boobs?

Punk: Oh my God, your voice does really sound like a hundred dying banshees! How do you do that?

Stephanie: Years of training. Does it turn you on?

Punk: N…Well…Kind of.

Stephanie: Well, then, my closet is always open.

Punk: I really need to learn my lesson.

Kofi Johnston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGillcutty

This isn’t for the titles, because nobody remembers that Otunga and McGillicutty are champions. Also because Kofi is Shelton. To their…um…I guess “credit” is too strong a word. Ok, so Otunga and McGillicutty raided Vlad’s closet after he got fired and stole all his ballin’ clothes. They’re straight planksta, now. I’d suggest JTG sue for gimmick infringement, but quite frankly, I don’t think JTG exists anymore. He was always just a figment of our imagination. Bourne with a backflip for the win. Michael Cole cannot say “Maryse.”

Backstage, Rey Misterio cries.

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Rey Misterio vs. Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)
For the WWE Spinnin’ Babies Title

Nobody is happier that Alberto mortgaged his house for a gaudy piece of jewelry than Ricardo. You look at his cherubic face, and you realize, that’s what the WWE Spinnin’ Babies title is all about. That and spinning babies. The crowd, seemingly suddenly realizing that they’re from San Diego, chants “619.” Rey attempts to set Alberto up for it, but ADR is just like, “It’s ten seconds into the match!” so he stands up and the crowd collectively frowns at him.

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Alberto has gotten bored and tried to pull Rey’s mask off. Hey, it’s just in time for the Mexico tour. Are they still mad that he’s wearing the mask after losing it in WCW? Probably not as mad as they’ll be when they find out that Sin Cara is actually from Connecticut. Rey sets up the 619 again, but Alberto is just sick of it and doesn’t even bother getting down onto the rope. He goes for the Armbar, but Rey rolls through it and gets a two count before WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton runs out of gas because they won’t let the referees do drugs any more. Rey finally hits the 619 to a huge pop because everybody knows those numbers, and goes up for a splash, but Alberto sees it coming from a mile away because he’s seen every Rey Misterio match for the past ten years, and grabs Rey in the Armbar on the way down! That’s His Move! Rey taps out, and Patton has no problem calling for the bell because that doesn’t take much effort.

Here’s…John Cena?

John Cena: You think you’re a champion? You’re nothing! I was proud to fight against CM Punk because he’s earned his championships, but you’re nothing but a loser who had a briefcase!

Alberto Del Rio: Do you even remember how Punk won his first WWE Title?

Cena: I don’t actually watch the show. It’s Hustle Loyalty Respect. Not Hustle Loyalty Watch Monday Night RAW. Speaking of which, I don’t respect you! You’re going to have to defend that title some day, you know!

Del Rio: Like…I just did?

Cena: And not only that! You beat a guy after he’d wrestled an epic thirty minute match! You took advantage of him!

Del Rio: Like you did to Rey?

Cena: PLAY MY MUSIC!

Next Week: Alberto Del Rio is going to be gone because he has to find a couch for Ricardo to sleep on. Plus, John Morrison gets back to his originally scheduled losing streak. And the announcers call a match. Just kidding, they don’t.

Elsewhere….

Tough Enough Jessie: TELL ME WHERE HE KEEPS THEM!

X-Pac: How the heck am I supposed to know? If I knew where the WWE contracts were don’t you think I’d have one by now? He keeps me away from them! I’m only helping him out because he used to be my bud. But I think you guys might be right. I think he is destroying our universe. I want to help you. I’ve been listening all week, and I’ve made my call. I’m with you.

He’s suddenly brained by a Singapore Cane.

T.E. Jessie: Tommy!

Tommy Dreamer: Got one! ECDub! ECDub!

Vladamir Kozlov: You do good job, Mr. Dreamer! Just like Santino!

Dreamer: Thanks, I guess?

Harry Smith: I forgot to follow Michael Tarver again. Sorry.

T.E. Jessie: I’d ask what good you were, but I don’t know if I want the answer.

Michael Tarver: Found another one.

T.E. Jessie: STOP DOING THAT!!

Tarver: Finding our enemies?

T.E. Jessie: NO! Lurking in the shadows.

Tarver: Well, I can’t exactly catch them standing in the sunlight. Now I have to go stalk Drew McIntyre. Bye!

Scott Hall: Hey, yo.

T.E. Jessie: Scott Hall?! You just wandered into our Fortress of Solitude? How…Brazen?

Hall: Is…is this my house?

Dreamer: Oh my God, did we accidentally move into Scott Hall’s House?

T.E. Jessie: No. No, this isn’t your house, Scott.

Hall: Hey….Hey yo.

Kozlov: You want I should punch him?

T.E. Jessie: No, just…let him go. Ugh.

Dreamer: You’re letting him go?!

X-Pac: You’re letting him go?!

T.E. Jessie: You know, I know I’m trying to topple Triple H’s evil empire here, but how can I be mad at that guy? He’s like a puppy! He doesn’t know what’s going on. Get out of here, Scott Hall. Shoo!

Hall: One more win…for the good guys!

Mysterious Voice: A mistake. I hope it’s not one that will cost you our ultimate goal.

T.E. Jessie: Ok, enough of this. Who the hell are you? I’m not listening to a mysterious voice anymore.

RAW General Manager Demon Girl: Oh. I thought you knew. I am the voice of the voiceless. Triple H wants to force me out of power? Well, I will help you force him out of our existence.

Dreamer: ECDub! ECDub!

Demon Girl: But there is much to still prepare for. I serve yet another. A Higher Power, if you will. In the end, he will be the arbiter of all our fates.

T.E. Jessie: If it’s Vince McMahon in a bathrobe, I’m killing you all.

Demon Girl: *giggle* An interesting conclusion. But no. In the meantime, I think I have somebody you want to meet.

Gail Kim: I hear you all are looking for WWE Contracts. Well it just so happens I’ve got one I want to unload.

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