Archive for September 2011

RAW Satire for 9/26/11

September 30, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Last Week: Triple H was in the firing mood, so he went ahead and got rid of stupid Miz and R-Truth, who weren’t doing anything other than carrying the whole show. Also, CM Punk and John Cena argued, quite literally, about nothing in particular. And, in one of the greatest moves in the history of our great sport, Tony Award winning singer and dancer Hugh Jackman attacked and killed one of the wrestlers. Doug Something. Maybe he’ll return…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey, everybody, it’s the COO! Be coo.

Triple H: Some of you might be wondering why I fired The Miz and R-Truth, and to those people I say…Really? I mean, have you ever seen those guys? If any two guys in the WWE locker room were ever asking to be fired it’s them. So I did it. If you’re waiting for a more grandiose explanation than that, possibly involving WWE.com video packages and/or secret after-RAW meetings, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. I don’t believe in any of that stuff. But hey, money’s tight, and while we’re saving tons of money on R-Truth’s music and Miz’ hair gel budget, somebody’s got to pay for Kevin Nash’s bloated guaranteed contract. Who better than Mark Henry!

Crowd: EVERYBODY!

HHH: No. Nobody better than Mark Henry. We’ve been paying that guy way too much money for way too long. It’s time he gives back.

Vickie Guerrero: Pardon me!

HHH: I had no idea we were going to execute you. But now that you mention it-

Vickie: How could you let Peter Lyman from Scoop atack Dolph? He broke his jaw because that totally adorable jerk face didn’t know not to punch Dolph in the jaw.

Dolph: Mmmmmf!

Vickie: You tell him, Glass Joe!

Dolph: Watch the jaw! Don’t hit my jaw!

HHH: Uh. You two are already parodeis of yourselves. Next!

Cody Rhodes: Will you take me seriously? Look at my face. I am ugly. Look at my head, look at the billion staples in my head keeping my brain from leaking out. Now look back at my face. I’m on a horse.

HHH: Where the hell did you find a horse?

Cody: The Mountie wasn’t using it.

HHH: Do you have an actual complaint?

Cody: These staples are way too early for Halloween.

HHH: Fair enough. We’ll try harder to injure you closer to Halloween next year.

Cody: That’s all I ask.

HHH: Just…Don’t go pillaging in Randy’s house.

Cody: That would be really stupid.

Chris Tian: What about me? What about Chris Tian?

HHH: Now we’re really forcing that joke. What about you?

Tian: I don’t know. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to use that one. I’ve been saving it up. How about…I’m mad at Sheamus?

HHH: Ah! Yeah! I’ve been there. I’ll tell you what, you can take on Sheamus at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE Hell in a Cell. And tonight, you can take on John Cena!

Tian: Hey! At least it’s not Randy Orton again!

HHH: And unto you, Dolph, I bestow the ability to defend your title against our resident Eggs Benedict, Zack Ryder.

Dolph: Aw man! What will become of “Ask the Heel?”

HHH: And to you, Cody, the least of the Rhodes’ I leave a match against, oh, I don’t know, Alex Riley.

Cody: Even I know that black hole of charisma would kill this place before it starts!

HHH: Damn. Ok. Then you’ll defend the Intercontinental Title in a battle royal! It’ll be like a Divas Match!

Cody: Yeah…Awesome.

(ads)

Alex Riley, Ted DiBiase, Sin Cara, Daniel Bryan, Justin Gabriel, Ezekial Jackson, Drew McIntyre, Sheamus and Cody Rhodes
In a Battle Royal for the WWE Intercontinental Title

Damn. This isn’t a “Through the middle ropes” elimination match, or Cody would’ve been out already! Then we could’ve watched the wheels slowly fall off this train. I’m not even sure Drew McIntyre was ever in this match. Oh well. Zeke is a house afire, eliminating almost everybody including himself a couple minutes in. Sin Cara, of course, is the odds on favorite, his huge muscles rippling as he hit’s the PEDIGREE TO GABRIEL~! But suddenly the lights go out and Fat Sin Cara appears in the middle of the ring, a kendo stick high above his head. Freaking out, Sin Cara hops the top rope, eliminating himself, and then Fat Sin Cara gets dumped by…Alex Riley or something. Chris Tian comes to ringside to mock Sheamus’ demotion to Intercontinental title levels, and the big Fella’s tears are just the distraction Cody needs to whack Sheamus with his mask and dump him to the outside. Cody wins!

(ads)

Backstage….

Johnny Ace: What are you doing?

David Otunga: Dressing like a hilarious caricature of a lawyer? Hey. Clarence Mason is too expensive to hire these days, and Beth Phoenix won’t talk to anybody but Punk.

Ace: Well, you look like a huge dork.

Otunga: Does a huge dork get to have sex with Jennifer Hudson?

Ace: Apparently so, yes.

Otunga: Aw.

Elsewhere, Eve Torres is doing whatever it is that Eve Torres does.

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres vs. Beth Phoenix and Natalya

Oh man! This match! I wonder why they don’t mix it up and have Beth and Nattie fight AJ and Kaitlyn on RAW and Kelly and Eve on Smackdown every other week. For…uh…”variety.” Natalya holds Eve in a submission hold for so long that even Booker T (who is on commentary this week, because they couldn’t afford Stevie Ray) is just like, “Cheat, Kelly!” Eve eventually gets the hot tag, however, but when Kelly gets in trouble, Eve is too busy shaking her butt to notice. Beth and Nattie win! Truly this is a glorious day for both of them.

Backstage, Mark Henry has swallowed a camera. Let’s see the video feed! Oh man, how’d my Frisbee get in there?

(ads)

Mark Henry vs. The Great Khali

Mark Henry smacks Khali with the World Title for the DQ and then offers to pay his fine in the form of The Great Khali. When he gets no takers (or Takers), he just slams Khali and mugs for the camera for an hour. Man, it’s really nice to have these Smackdown guys on the show. I hardly notice that I haven’t seen John Cena since the beginning of the show, and let’s face it, the hottest thing in wrestling right now (besides AJ! Haahaha…get it? Sigh) is Mark Henry stanking up the joint. In fact, I wonder if we can go a whole show without seeing Cena. It could be Cena-free!

Here’s John Cena backstage. Dammit. Just like Beetlejuice.

(ads)

John Cena vs. Chris Tian

In a pre-match limerick, Cena bitches that Hell in a Cell is just violent and brutal enough to solve the ongoing issues between the kid friendly rapper, the non-violent guy who just wants to talk about himself all show, and the Mexican aristocrat who is afraid to fight anybody without hiding behind his ring announcer. So…Yeah. Sounds brutal. Punk and Del Rio are on commentary, and immediately an improvement over anything we’ve had in months. Sadly, they don’t fill our “Looking for Yaks” segement, though. I had high hopes. Cena tosses Tian outside, allowing Del Rio to sucker punch him and Punk and run up the ramp gurgling with glee. He’s a week late for that, I think.

(ads)

Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)
For the WWE United States Title

Oh, man! Now we find out who really is the king of stupid internet television. Probably that Chocolate Rain Guy! I do sort of wonder what Hugh Jackman thinks about breaking Dolph’s jaw. Hopefully he thinks it’s the most awesome thing he’s ever done. Ryder takes control of the match with Abe Orton levels of jaw-based offense, but Jack Swagger runs out and slams Ryder’s neck on the rope, and Dolph turns it into a Zig Zag for the win. Air Boom runs out immediately, because they can smell potential tag teams.

Theodore Long: Playas, I’m not on this show, but I’m bookin’ all kinds of matches! Vickie, you’ve got THREE MINUTES to find a tag team partner for a match against those other three. Hollah Hollah!

Indian Eric Bischoff: Did somebody say…THREE MINUTES?!

(ads)

Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Kofi Johnston, Evan Bourne, and Zack Ryder

Sadly, Jamal died and nobody knows or cares where Suga Rosey is. This goes completely over the heads of the announce team, who are arguing about whether or not Evan Bourne will live until he’s 150 years old. Well, he certainly didn’t pick the right career if that’s what he’s shooting for. Kofi is Shelton, which I’m pretty sure means he’s supposed to be on another channel right now. Mason Ryan is out to tag with Dolph and Swagger. MASON RYAN IS THE THIRD MAN! It’s the lamest nWo of all time! Even worse than the B-Team and that had Virgil! Mason Ryan comes out, forgets that he exists, punches Dolph, and leaves. Ryder wins! Anything to stem the tide of his tears.

(ads)

Backstage….

David Otunga: -plus, I have a Law Degree from Harvard.

Dolph Ziggler: Guys, I’m inclined to believe him. He’s wearing a bow tie!

Cody Rhodes: I’ll admit the bowtie does give him a degree of authority I trust in.

Otunga: Really, dudes? Can’t you look past that and believe in me for me?

Chris Tian: I, for one, believe in David Otunga.

Otunga: Thank you!

Tian: I mean, Jennifer Hudson wouldn’t have sex with any old bum.

Otunga: Exa-Wait. No. That’s not why you should trust me. That’s why everybody should respect me. You should trust me because-

Cody: So what’s your plan, exactly?

Otunga: Simple. One word. Union!

Otunga blinks and the room is suddenly empty.

Otunga: What’d I say?

Fat Sin Cara: I’m with you! ECDUB! ECDUB!

Alberto Del-

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. CM Punk

John Cena is out on commentary, lest you forget for five seconds that John Cena is on this show. Sadly, his commentary mostly consists of him testing out T-Shirt slogans and waving his hand at Booker T. Also sadly, I still prefer this to Lawler and Cole. Punk tries to dump Del Rio onto Cena, but Cena doesn’t sell it. Why start now! Del Rio takes control of the match in all the excitement, and Ricardo jumps up and down at ringside. That guy is always so happy! I really wish it was Ricardo Time more often.

(ads)

During the commercial, everybody involved stopped wrestling and started playing Trouble. I always hated that game. And that was only partially due to the fact that I could never break the Pop-A-Matic Bubble™. Del Rio suddenly grabs Punk’s arm for rolling a six, and goes to put him in the Arm-Bar. Well, that’s rude! Admittedly, that’s how every game of Monopoly ends at my house, though. Punk is wise to it though, and he just hits Del Rio with the GTS for the win. After the match, Cena chases Ricardo to ringside and gets crushed by the Hell in a Cell cage as it’s lowered right onto his head. Just kidding! He totally nosells getting killed by the cage and beats up poor Ricardo! What’d he ever do? Everybody slips in and out of each other’s finishers, until Del Rio just grabs a chair and whacks everybody with it. Poor Ricardo! But I can’t blame Alberto though. If I was in the ring with this lot, I’d hit them all with chairs too. To finish the night off, Alberto goes ahead and whacks himself too.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: The whole concept of Hell in a Cell reaches levels it hasn’t seen since that one time Rikishi jumped off into a cart of hay. Plus, Kelly Kelly Kelly defeats Beth Phoenix in the most bloody and brutal HiaC match of all time. And Zack Ryder teams up with his manliest partner ever. Richard Simmons.

Elsewhere….

Tough Enough Jessie: I really don’t think He is the reason your last CD didn’t sell.

R-Truth: Of course he is! It’s a conspiracy!

Tommy Dreamer: I bought that CD! “What’s Up Doc (Can We Rock)?” Classic!

Truth: Man, that was Shaq!

Dreamer: Oh. Sorry, dawg.

Tough Enough Jessie: Tommy! What have I told you about dressing up as Fat Sin Cara?

Dreamer: Aw, come on! It’s so much fun! Plus, I made us a new friend!

David Otunga: Hey, guys. I heard you’re looking to take down Triple H. I’m ready to help.

The Miz: I like this guy! His bowtie says, “All business” but his short sleeve shirt says, “I also know how to stay cool.”

Truth: This totally looks like a guy who could have sex with Jennifer Hudson!

Otunga: Yes. I think I can help you guys.

T.E. Jessie: Oh? And how’s that?

Otunga: We’re going to start a Union!

T.E. Jessie: I’ve heard enough. I’m out.

Dreamer: I still love the idea, but where Jessie goes….

Miz: He’s crazy! Let’s go!

Truth: Yeah, even I think you’re crazy.

Harry Smith: It’ll never work.

Otunga: Where’ the hell-

Michael Tarver: I would’ve gone for a lawsuit, but you lost me.

Otunga: AH!

X-Pac: Yeah. I didn’t listen to a word that you said. Bye.

Vladamir Kozlov: I love bow tie. I go now!

Otunga: Guys? Guys?! I think this union thing can work!

Demon Girl: Get out.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 3

September 30, 2011 NFL No comments

1. Green Bay Packers: Injury issues? What injury issues? It never seems to matter. Last Week: 1

2. Detroit Lions: Time to admit that this team is for realsies. Until Week 9, when they sign Kerry Collins. Last Week:4

3. New Orleans Saints: Huge Fantasy Week for the Saints this week. If you had every stupid fifth string wide reciever. Last Week: 6

4. Buffalo Bills: Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead! Which old Witch? Er…Tom Brady, I guess? Last Week: 13

5. Baltimore Ravens: So, it looks like they don’t even need Lee Evans to have a passing game. Which is too bad, because he’s way cooler than Torrey Smith. Last Week: 9

6. Pittsburgh Steelers: So was week one an aberration? Well…No. But, they do seem to win more the more Big Ben gets burried. Last Week: 10

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Who the hell needs touchdown passes? Sure as hell not the Bucs. Last Week: 14

8. Dallas Cowboys: Ol’ No Lungs got it done against the Redskins. But you’re going to need more lungs than zero to beat the Lions. Last Week: 18

9. New England Patriots: Tom Brady is not going to throw four picks every week. But the Pats are going to give up a lot of points this year. Last Week: 2

10. New York Giants: Good job trying to kill Michael Vick, but the real story is the growing legend of the legendary Eli “The Legend” Manning. Last Week: 19

11. New York Jets: The other New York team is going the other direction. If only they had a Manning and not a Sanchez. Last Week: 3

12. Houston Texans: Scoring a billion points is great, but not if you give up a billion and one points. Yet people in Texas still love Wade Phillips. Last Week: 5

13. San Francisco 49ers: Oh boy! We’re at the “Alex Smith might be decent, Oh wait No. No.” part of the season! Last Week: 16

14. Atlanta Falcons: I’m pretty sure Michael Turner gained more yards walking to his car after the game than he did last week. Last Week: 7

15. Washington Redskins: Sexy Rexy just couldn’t pull it off, but he wasn’t overtly bad. Which is a huge step up for him still. Last Week: 15

16. Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles are learning, just now, that maybe the might need an offensive line. If only they’d had time to think of this during the offseason! Last Week: 8

17. San Diego Chargers: What have the Chargers proven? They’re GREAT at almost losing to winless teams. Last Week: 11

18. Oakland Raiders: Not a great week to be playing the Pats, eh? If only they had Terrell Pryor to help sell equipment after they lose. Last Week: 17

19. Tennessee Titans: Anybody tell Chris Johnson that his holdout is over yet? No? Well…I’m ok with that, actually. Last Week: 21

20. Cleveland Browns: Three straight weeks without a staph infection in the locker room? It’s a new record! Last Week: 22

21. Chicago Bears: Walter Payton being back in the news just highlights the fact that Matt Forte is definitely not Walter Payton. Last Week: 12

22. Denver Broncos: The only two players on the team that are still hungry? Brady Quinn and Tim Tebow. Their gravy boat is a comin’. Last Week: 20

23. Arizona Cardinals: Well, the fans in Arizona have something to cheer about. Until the Diamondbacks get eliminated. Last Week: 23

24. Cincinnati Bengals: Andy Dalton certainly looks better. Better than what, I couldn’t exactly tell you. Last Week: 24

25. Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton should really just start passing to himself. And play defense. And coach. Because he’s what’s interesting about this team. Last Week: 25

26. Seattle Seahawks: I’ll eat a little Seahawk here. Sidney Rice really helped the Seahawks win that one game. Last Week: 30

27. Minnesota Vikings: Well, folks, that’s it. It’s time for the Minnesota Lynx. Last Week: 26

28. Jacksonville Jaguars: Bad News? Their best cornerback is out this week. The good news? They’re playing the Saints. Wait…that’s terrible news! Last Week: 27

29. Saint Louis Rams: Time to just put the whole team on IR, and come back and give it a shot next year. Last Week: 28

30. Kansas City Chiefs: On the plus side, they’ve got their best chance to win this week. They just have to play the second half. Last Week: 29

31. Miami Dolphins: Next week, the Dolphins will announce that they’re firing coach Tony Sparano, and hiring Ozzie Guillen. Last Week: 31

32. Indianapolis Colts: Hey, somebody remembered that they still had Joseph Addai on the roster! Hey! It didn’t matter! Last Week: 32

World of Warcraft Wednesday: Trial of the Champion

September 28, 2011 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

Uh..heh. Ok. So, thanks to the combined effort of the Horde, Alliance, Kirin Tor, Red Dragonflight, Knights of the Ebon Blade and Argent Crusade, we’ve reached the gates of Ice Crown Citadel. So what’s the next step?

If your answer is: Hold a Renaissance Faire complete with play jousting and fake duels, you win! That’s right, defacto leader of the assault on Arthas, Tirion Fordring figured that it would be an awesome idea to figure out who the best fighters were by holding a contest. Can you play fight harder than anybody else? Let’s find out!

Degree of Difficulty: Easy

There is no trash to speak of. A few of the bosses have buffer mobs you need to kill, but they are extremely simple, and there’s usually only a handful of them per encounter, including the Joust.

The first set of bosses you’ll fight twice, first as a joust, second as a standard fight, against the “champions” of the five original races of the opposite faction, a Mage, as Shaman, a Hunter, a Rogue, and a Warrior. A decently challenging fight (especially with the healer and Rogue up), but not horrible. Paletress will annoy you with a heals, DoTs, Fear, and a summon that will pull an easy version of a boss from a previous dungeon into the fight. Eadric comes with standard Palladin abilities, annoying as ever.

The final fight is a three part affair with the Black Knight from the Argent Tournament questline. His physical form is very easy with nothing special. His skeletal form is a bit harder, as he summons exploding ghouls that do a fair bit of damage. The Wraith form is simple enough, but the constant AoE and damage buffs will kill off a party weakened by the earlier parts of the fight.

Special Features:

The instance is available in normal and Heroic modes. Killing mobs in the instance will net you reputation with the Alliance or Horde Expedition if you run without a reputation tabard. The first fight of the instance (the Joust) is a vehicle fight, which requires you to have a lance equipped and be mounted (lances and mounts are provided). Killing bosses awards Champion Seals, which can be spent at Argent Tournament stores.

Recommended for Levels: 80 (Normal)/80 (Heroic)

You’re either going to love or hate the Trial of the Champion. I like it because it’s different. The fights are varied, and it’s a nice change of pace from the same loot corridor dungeons that we’re so used to. Plus none of the fights are particularly hard.

But a lot of people hate it. Jousting and the Black Knight fight are very luck based sometimes, and a lot of people just plain hate the jousting mechanic anyway. So try it out, see if you’re one of those who likes this sort of change-up, and if you are, run it a few times to stack up some Champions Tokens so you can grab some extra pets and mounts for your collections.

YouTube Monday: Face the Book

September 26, 2011 YouTube No comments

Nobody likes the new changes coming to Facebook, but few people have been properly able to completely express how awful the new changes really are going to be for everybody.

Leave it to Taiwan’s Next Media Animation to put everything that we’re all feeling into…whatever this is.

(Stay tuned for the hillarious, totally unironic plug for their facebook page at the end)

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for September 18th – 24th, 2011

September 26, 2011 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Amazon and Fox Sitting In a Tree. A few weeks ago, I bitched about how Fox pulled its next day screening for its shows online, lamenting how stupid that was for people following its series via the internets. Well, now all the cards are on the Table, and they are belong to Amazon. I still probably won’t watch TV on Amazon though. Can I get it on the Kindle?

2. Blizzard and Bioware Resume Catfight. Blizzard pushed back the release date for Diablo 3 (to “Whenever we’re done”), and won’t deny that it might be a console game. So Bioware swooped in and decided that that they’d kindly take the date abandoned by Diablo to release the next great WoW challenger, Star Wars: The Old Republic. Play nice guys.

3. Basketball Team That Isn’t Playing Has a New Name. Jay Z, who really has better things to do these days, announced that the New Jersey Nets would be renamed the Brooklyn Nets, if and when the NBA ever starts up again. No word on whether or not anybody cares yet.

4. Facebook Is Horrible and Everybody Hates It. They rolled out New New New New Facebook, with its unwieldy interface, old Facebook running in a tiny corner and barf galleries. Pretty much everybody on the street thinks this is the worse change to Facebook since New New New Facebook. And just wait until you see what’s next!

5. It’s the New TV Season! What are you excited for? The Office/Parks and Recreation/Community Cerberus? Glee? Um…Harry’s Law? Me? I’m excited for the awesome season premier sure to come from “The Cape.” Really? Cancelled? Aw. I was hoping for six seasons and a movie!

RAW Satire 9/19/11

September 23, 2011 RAW Satire No comments

Last Night: Randy Orton graciously gave Mark Henry a hand winning the World Heavyweight title. Plus, Triple H beat CM Punk thanks in large part to R-Truth, The Miz, Johnny Ace, and Kevin Nash attacking just about everybody for no apparent reason. And John Cena beat Alberto Del Rio, but OF COURSE HE DID! Will something else predictable happen…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Well, we’re starting with a CM Punk promo, so that’s probably pretty predictable. Maybe he’s going to come out and hang out with Wolverine!

CM Punk: I hate Wolverine. He’s not nearly as cool as he thinks he is. But I really could use super healing powers and an adamantium skeleton right now, because getting beat up and buried by Triple H really hurts. This reminds me of this one time I was hanging out backstage, minding my own business, making out with all the Divas, when suddenly, Bob Holly ran over, said, “You’ve got greasy hair, twirp!” and punched me right in the eye. I hate Bob Holly. Anyway, I just want to say that I’ve got this all figured out. Again. The tromp across the countryside, the mysterious text messages, who raised the briefcase-

Triple H: You’ve got it all wrong! There is a conspiracy! A conspiracy to hold both of us down! To end my reign as WWE COO and to end yours as the top superstar on RAW. And I wouldn’t be surprised if R-Truth and The Miz were in on it. Think about it. A few months ago, you were about to expose everything, but then the mic got shut off and you got knocked out. You lost your memory. Fast forward to last week. You were about to do it again, and what happened? Your mic shut off again. You can’t blame that one me. Something bigger than me is manipulating the WWE Universe and I need your help to stop it.

Punk: But you are the root of all evil here in WWE, what the hell would I get out of helping you?

HHH: Your WWE Spinnin’ Babies title rematch against John Cena. And Alberto Del Rio, in the Hell in a Cell.

Punk: Ooh! Not very tempting! But you know what? You’re right. Believe it or not there are more powerful forces in the WWE Universe than you, and I’m not convinced that they’re not somehow more evil. With that in mind-

Johnny Ace: Hold on a minute there, cowpoke. This Dynamic Dude isn’t about to let you two break the space time continuum. Not for nothing.

Punk: As far as I’m concerned, you’re the worst one of all! Nobody likes you, John. Not a single person backstage. I mean, everybody hated Jim Ross when he was head of talent relations too, but at least he was a good announcer. You don’t even have that to fall back on! You’re just a worthless waste of space who is using terrible wrestlers like poor Miz, Truth, and Kevin Nash to try to get himself over so Vince can come back.

Ace: You think I’m working with Vince? Is that right? Well, how about this? You’re FIRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

HHH: Nobody’s getting fired here until I solve this mystery. I can’t have people coming at me from both sides here.

Punk: That’s what she said.

HHH: But I am gonna fire somebody tonight, and it’s going to be awesome. Later, skaters.

(ads)

Sheamus, Kofi Johnston, Evan Bourne, and Justin Gabriel vs. David Otunga, Ballin’ Michael McGillicutty, Wade Barrett and Chris Tian

Survivor Series isn’t for another month, you guys. Well, this isn’t elimination anyway, I guess. Hey! Nice to see Justin Gabriel still exists, I guess? Though I sort of have to wonder what he thinks about the two most ballin’ wrestlers in WWE stealing his theme music. Everybody, including his own team, spends a while beating on Evan Bourne, but then Kofi is Shelton and the whole match stops while he suplexes everyone. Sheamus wraps things up with a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) to Otunga for the win. Jim Ross swears. Get the F out, J.R.!

Backstage….

WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton: -and that was the second biggest steak sandwich I’ve ever seen.

Triple H: Holy crap! How did you eat that?

Patton: Are you kidding? I’m Chad Patton, baby! Nothing’s gonna stop me.

HHH: Wait, are you supposed to be on TV?

Patton: What are you, some kind of Narc?

HHH: Kinda, yeah.

Patton: NARC! NARC! You used to be cool, Hunter!

Patton runs away. Del Rio enters.

Alberto Del Rio: Hunter! My main man, my dawg! My ace in the hole!

HHH: You’re not getting me to change that Hell in a Cell match. In fact, you’re in a match tonight too. I can’t stand seeing your smarmy face.

Del Rio: A match? Tonight?! But I’m too humiliated after being buried by John Cena last night!

HHH: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect guy for you to wrestle. John Morrison.

Del Rio: Oh thank God. My prayers have been answered!

HHH: Say one thing for Triple H. Say he answers everybody’s prayers.

(ads)

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricar-

Never mind, Alberto already beat Morrison.

(ads)

Oh dear. They’re really going through with this.

Hugh Jackman:

Times have changed,
And we’ve often rewound the clock,
Now I’m on RAW the master of the Shock!
Are we still building to Cena and The Rock?
But today,
It’s a case of us versus them,
Hosting RAW is such a crock,
Turned down a part in La Boehme!

Not here to start stalking,
I’m here for Real Steel hocking,
As far as RAW’s show?
Anything goes!

CM Punk has gone mad today,
Faces are bad today,
nWo Black and white you say?
I’m so happy and gay!
Sing and dance for pay!
Hope I don’t get kissed by Mae!
I miss Santino!
Paul Bearer was a necromancer,
HBK is a silly prancer!
Like the size of Hunter‘s nose,
Anything goes!

Dolph Ziggler: Man, I thought we were getting Wolverine!

Jackman: You clearly know absolutely know nothing about my resume, dude. I’m way more Glee than Wolverine, mate.

Vickie Guerrero: I think you’re soooooo dreamy. I loved Van Helsing!

Jackman: Oh, you’re the one! Well…Thanks, I guess?

Dolph: You know who I just realized has been missing for, like, ten months? Mason Ryan. What the hell ever happened to that guy?

Jackman: I have no idea who you’re talking about.

Dolph: There’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you. With a name like Hugh Jackman, didn’t you ever want to go into porn?

Jackman: Every day, mate. Every day.

Dolph: Well, you should’ve. Because you are terrible. I hated Kate & Leopold! Screw you and screw Rock’em Sock’em Robots: The Movie!

Jackman: Yeah? Well wait until you take on my mystery opponent for you…ZACK RYDER!

Dolph: O…Kay?

Vickie: I still love you! Even if you’re stupid!

Backstage….

The Miz: -which is why I can’t wait for the Glee season premier tomorrow.

R-Truth: Man, that bitch be crazy.

Johnny Ace: Hey guys. The principal wants to talk to you. Sorry.

Miz: Aw nuts. Now we’ll never get to win the big game.

Truth: What are you guys talking about?!

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Sin Cara vs. Cody Rhodes

Things never get off the ground, because just as Cara is about to hit the PEDIGREE TO RHODES~!, another Sin Cara appears! Dos Caras! Alberto is still probably pissed off about this! Sin Cara gets pissed off about Sin Cara’s appearance, and Sin Cara raises his arms for the support of the crowd, but he doesn’t get a reaction. Shockingly, Sin Cara doesn’t get a reaction either! Sin Cara goes for the PEDIGREE TO SIN CARA~! but Sin Cara knows its coming and blocks it. After a few seconds, Sin Cara freaks out and backs slowly away from Sin Cara, and then dashes backstage.

Speaking of which….

R-Truth: -I don’t care how many half mens they have! I watched that show one time and it didn’t have anything to do with The Hobbit! Do you know how disappointing that was?

The Miz: I think I’ll just watch Community and Glee. Where the hell is Triple H, anyway?

Hunter comes running in, out of breath and sweating heavily, pulling on his jacket.

Triple H: Did you guys see that? There were two of m-Sin Cara! I mean, one of them was clearly better looking and in better shape, but what the hell?

The Miz: Hunter, we’re really sorry we attacked you at the PPV. We were only trying to beat up WWE RAW Referee Scott Armstrong, but we missed and kind of beat you up for twenty minutes. That was our bad.

R-Truth: I’m even sorry for all that Little Jimmy nonsense. That’s never going to sell any t-shirts.

HHH: Can’t you guys see I have bigger fish to fry here? Two Sin Caras! What does this mean?

Miz: Does that…uh…does that mean we’re not getting fired?

HHH: Huh?! No! No! Whatever. You can just…pay a fine or whatever. A million dollars or something? Just go away.

Truth: A million dollars?! Do you know how many bootleg Ron Killings CDs I’d have to sell out of the trunk of my car to get a million dollars? Because I don’t!

HHH: JUST PAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

So Triple H’s fine ends up coming to $12.95. Somebody’s eating at Perkins tonight!

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It’s time for Jim Ross to get killed by Mark Henry.

Jim Ross: You’re the World Heavyweight Champion? Really?

Mark Henry: It’s a long way away from you telling’ me that I was too fat and stanky to be WWE champion! I’m so fat nobody can beat me! And what won me the title? Mah STANK!

Ross: So, even I know what’s going to happen here. Now you’re going to beat me up, right?

Henry: First I want you to apologize to me! You said I was nothing but a midcard comedy act who wasn’t funny! That really hurt me, Jim! Really bad! I cried chicken soaked tears into my beard, J.R.! My beard!

Ross: I’m sorry.

Henry: Thank you, Jim. That means a lot to me.

Henry grabs J.R. by the lapel and starts to rip his face off. That’s the best thanks I think I’ve ever seen on this show. Jerry “” Lawler, of course, won’t stand for this and hops into the ring to pry Henry off. He quickly realizes that this was the stupidest possible thing he could ever have done, and the look on his face just says, “Look what you’ve gotten me into again, J.R.!” Mark slams Lawler down and then tosses him through the announce table and the floor, shattering every bone in Lawler’s body and dumping him into the building’s boiler room.

Mick Foley: Dammit! I live down here again! Can’t you leave me in peace?!

Lawler: …puppies….

Michael Cole is distraught by all this carnage because…you know what? I don’t know why. He hates Lawler and Ross and he tried to get Jack Swagger to do this same thing, like, three months ago. The only thing we should learn from this? Maybe Cole should’ve hired Mark Henry in the first place.

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Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Natalya and Beth Phoenix

WWE Diva Josh Mathews is now at ringside to not call the action alongside Michael. I was really excited for the big Melina run-in here, except for the fact that I wouldn’t care about the big Melina run-in here. Or anywhere for that matter. Eve rolls up Natalya for the win! HaHA! That should teach you girls! No wrestling aloud in the Divas Division! You want to have meaningful matches on this show? You better call Chaz Bono and find out how it’s done. Or don’t, because then Abe Orton would never leave you alone.

Backstage….

Hugh Jackman: How many times do I have to tell you? It was just a movie!

Zack Ryder: Come on! Just once? For me? Pleeeeeease?

Jackman: Ok. But if I do this then you can’t even mention me on your stupid talk show.

Ryder: Deal!

Jackman’s adamantium claws slide slowly out of his skin.

Ryder: YES! This almost makes betraying my friends and dooming myself to a life of service to an ignorant and evil master worth it.

Jackman: Uh huh. Totally.

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Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Zack Ryder (w/ Hugh Jackman)

I never saw The Prestige, any chance that Hugh can make this match disappear? Actually, nobody’s more excited to be a part of WWE right now that Hugh Jackman. I half expect him to show up again next week to find out what the continuation of his big angle will be. Unfortunately for Mr. Jackman, his big angle involves Zack Ryder, turncoat to the stars. Vickie tries to get at Zack, but while WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan is busy dealing with her, Hugh Jackman hops into the ring and decapitates Dolph with an uppercut. That’s…a win?

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You know who hasn’t had a video package? Jack Swagger. And there’s a good reason for that! Backstage….

Vickie Guerrero: I was just thinking to myself, “Self, there aren’t enough Zooey Deschanels on TV right now.”

Jack Swagger: So are we going to have sex now or what?

Vickie: Well, given that my last boyfriend was just beheaded in the ring, I’d say “Yes.” I like to say things.

Swagger: Cool beans. Can you introduce me to Nicky Fontana?

Vickie: Hell yeah! He and I are, like, best friends now!

Elsewhere…

CM Punk: COMMUNITY!

John Cena: PARKS AND RECREATION!

Punk: ABED!

Cena: TOM!

Punk: META-HILARITY!

Cena: FAUX DOCUMENTARY!

Punk: I…wait, what were we arguing about again?

Cena: Who got screwed worse at the stupid Emmys.

Punk: Oh. Steve Carell then.

Cena: Word.

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R-Truth and The Miz vs. CM Punk and John Cena

Justin Roberts would like you know to that John Cena has changed his name to JOooeuuughhhhhhhooUUUnnaaAAEIOUsometimesYOOOON CEEEEEAUNAU! APPLEDOUGH indeed. Miz gives WWE Smackdown Referee Charles Robinson a hug, because he knows if he tries some crap Lil’ Naitch will just beat the crap out of him. How sad is it that Lil’ Naitch is more high profile and has more money than actual Naitch at this point? Miz DDTs Cena and Cena blinks slightly. He almost sold that!

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Cena is still handling the beat down by Miz and Truth with aplomb. I think CM Punk is either asleep or listening to the Colt Cabana pod cast (now with 10 minutes of Wrestling talk and 50 minutes of ads!). After about twenty minutes of beat down, Cena makes the hot tag to punk. Five seconds later and he hit’s the GTS to Miz for the win. Well, it was nice of them to give Punk some time here! I think he got a whole minute. Almost. Everybody is recovering (except Cena, who is fine) when Triple H comes out.

Triple H: So, it turns out that unraveling a conspiracy is a lot harder than it sounds. I totally didn’t figure anything out in this two hours, so I’m just going to go ahead and fire Miz and Truth!

Hunter wanders backstage.

Scott Stanford: Hunter! It’s a new TV season, and I just want to get your opinion on what you’re expecting from the season premier of 90210? Will Screech finally get with Zach?

Sadly, we never get Hunter’s answer to that question, as he’s waylaid by the suddenly jobless Miz and Truth. Unfortunately for them, The Rest of the WWE Locker Room is standing right there, and they know better than to cross Triple H. So they drag Miz and Truth kicking and screaming out the door and toss them into a dumpster.

The Miz: See? I told you I was the new Chris Jericho! I gotta see if I can get a stupid things falling off buildings game show!

Truth: Would you shut up? I think we just got jobbed out to Tyler Rex!

Next Week: Miz and Truth are re-hired like nothing ever happened. The WWE Locker Room is locked in an epic battle about whether or not Coach can save this season of Survivor. And CM Punk and Triple H say nothing in a thirty minute promo.

Elsewhere….

Tough Enough Jessie: I don’t care how confused he got! It was stupid!

Tommy Dreamer: Stupid like a fox! I’m the best Sin Cara yet!

Harry Smith: More like Fat Cara!

T.E. Jessie: Go away, Harry.

The Miz: Tough Enough Jessie! Just the woman we’re looking for! Nash told us you were the one to see about a revolution against Triple H!

T.E. Jessie: Does anybody not know about our secret society? Yes. We’re taking out Triple H.

R-Truth: Great! We’re in. Let’s take out John Cena too while we’re at it. That guy is a total Little Jimmy.

Michael Tarver: I like this guy’s style!

Truth: Ninja! Don’t you sneak up on me!

T.E. Jessie: Fine. Miz, you can be in charge of getting food. I sent Tommy out to get it last time, and we’ve been living on SnoBalls for a week.

Dreamer: They’re delicious!

T.E. Jessie: Truth, you can…uh…what is it that you do, exactly?

Truth: Talk crazy and rap!

T.E. Jessie: Right. You can watch X-Pac and make sure he doesn’t do anything stup…you know what? Just make sure he doesn’t do anything. At all.

X-Pac: Hey! K-Kwik! Remember when we were almost sort of feuding?

Truth: I don’t remember what happened last week.

Pac: Cool cool. I wish I couldn’t remember last week. Egh…Chyna.

Everyone shudders.

T.E. Jessie: Five more weeks, Tommy. Five more weeks and we have our revenge.

Dreamer: It’ll be raining SnoBalls that day, I promise you that.

T.E. Jessie: Maybe you need to go on a diet, Tommy.

Dreamer: Sin Cara never diets!

World of Warcraft: The Culling of Stratholme

September 23, 2011 World of Warcraft No comments

Lore:

We’re back in time again, this time trying to stop the Infinite Dragonflight from killing Arthas before he can burn an entire human city to the ground, get caught up in the chase for Mal’Ganis and become the Lich King.

Wait…we’re trying to stop them from stopping Arthas from becoming the Lich King? In what world does that make sense? Why! In the World of Warcraft, of course! You don’t want to mess up the time stream of a crazy mass-murdering death machine, right? I mean…things might actually have gone well!

Degree of Difficulty: Easy

The trash here spawns in several waves along with some non-elite zombie mobs that respawn until the second phase of the instance. The second phase, an alley, is clogged with more trash, but none present any problem.

The Bosses are quite easy. Meathook spawns early and hits hard, but doesn’t do much. Salramm, a necromancer, spawns shortly thereafter, and manages to do less (other than a damage buff/debuff). You fight Chrono-Lord Epoch with Arthas in tow, and he has an annoying stun and slowdown, but is otherwise unimpressive. Mal’Ganis is another Arthas Fight and other than his AoE DoT and sleep, he goes down pretty quickly.

There’s another boss, if you can finish the instance in the first 25 minutes on Heroic (not at all difficult). He has a nasty DoT and magic attack, but is mostly an easy fight. You’ll want to kill him if you haven’t though, because he has a 100% chance to drop a bronze drake mount.

Special Features:

The instance is available in normal and Heroic modes. Killing mobs in the instance will net you reputation with the Alliance or Horde Expedition if you run without a reputation tabard. You’ll want to run it at least once to get your drake mount.

Recommended for Levels: 78 (Normal)/80 (Heroic)

There’s a lot of story told in this instance that’s really important to the Wrath of the Lich King storyline (which is now irrelevant, but still), and it’s cool to play a Warcraft 3 mission from on the ground.

Between that and the Bronze Drake, a lot of people have a lot of love for Culling of Stratholme, and I’m one of them. The artificial timer imposed by the timed enemy and boss spawns is a bit annoying, but a good group will clear this instance in almost no time, leaving you with decent gear, XP, and a new mount.

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 2

September 23, 2011 NFL No comments

1. Green Bay Packers: Some holes, especially with Nick Collins gone, but in an up and down league, it says something that they’re up. Last Week: 1

2. New England Patriots: Their defense looks downright awful, but their offense is clicking as smooth as ever. Smooth like Tom Brady’s hair. Last Week: 2

3. New York Jets: Shonn Green has found himself the odd man out of the Jet’s offensive rotation. The obvious solution? More Ns. Last Week: 4

4. Detroit Lions: Still going strong until the inevitable collapse. Of course that defense isn’t quite as fragile. Last Week: 6

5. Houston Texans: Oh, man! Everybody about the Texans train! Toot Toot! Next stop, 8-8! Last Week: 11

6. New Orleans Saints: Better than they showed in week one? You don’t stay. Still that whole thing is going to collapse if Drew Brees ever goes down. See: Indianapolis. Last Week: 10

7. Atlanta Falcons: Well, they finally got their revenge win over Michael Vick. Now they can finally move on and do what they do best. Barely win games. Last Week: 12

8. Philadelphia Eagles: Fantasy owners everywhere breathed a sigh of relief upon finding out that Michael Vick was just spitting out blood because of a lacerated tongue and a concussion, not a serious injury. Last Week: 3

9. Baltimore Ravens: They looked as bad this week as they looked good last week. Clearly, this is a team that is confused about the fact that they have to try to win all their games. Last Week: 5

10. Pittsburgh Steelers: Nice turnaround this week, but you could field a 22 kids from kindergarten and they’d beat the Seahawks. Let’s see how they do against…Their next game is at Indy? Hahaha. Last Week: 8

11. San Diego Chargers: See what happens when the Chargers actually have to gameplan two halves? Pretty much nothing. Last Week: 7

12. Chicago Bears: The only thing more fake than Fox’s reports that Jay Cutler might be removed as the Bears starter is the Bears’ chance of repeating as NFC North champions. Last Week: 9

13. Buffalo Bills: The Bills are in first place in the AFC East, people! Take a breath and enjoy that feeling while it lasts. Last Week: 14

14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A brilliant second half, but that isn’t going to cut it against most teams. Teams that play more than one half of football, for example. Last Week: 16

15. Washington Redskins: I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. I’m on the Sexy Rexy bandwagon until the wheels fall off, the wagon explodes, and Rexy falls apart in a glorious stream of dragon’s fire. Last Week: 18

16. San Francisco 49ers: Look at it from the bright side, at least Braylon Edwards might not play this week. Last Week: 13

17. Oakland Raiders: Oakland is going to be impossible to read this year. Are they Texans level mediocre? Or Colts level bad? Only Jason Campbell knows, and nobody wants to talk to him. Last Week: 15

18. Dallas Cowboys: Say what you want about Tony Romo, but you’ve got to respect a guy who can come back from a busted lung to win a game. Last Week: 19

19. New York Giants: Kind of cheap taking advantage of the dying Rams, but hey, you steal a win wherever you can get it. Even if you’re NFL Legend Eli Manning. Last Week: 21

20. Denver Broncos: Not an exciting team. Or a terribly productive one. But, at least John Fox seems to be awake for most of the time. Last Week: 24

21. Tennessee Titans: The offense is starting to patch itself together, mostly with bandaids and Kenny Britt. How long can it hold up? Last Week: 27

22. Cleveland Browns: Nice to get a win, and they do have some decent pieces, but it’s saying something when your starting wide receivers are worse than some fourth string guys on other teams. Last Week: 29

23. Arizona Cardinals: They lost, but somehow they looked better. Still they’re probably not going to be going anywhere. Last Week: 30

24. Cincinnati Bengals: Ah, that’s the Bengals we know and love. They’ve got some talent, but I don’t trust them. Last Week: 20

25. Carolina Panthers: Sadly, there’s no prize for being the most exciting losers in the NFL. Unless, of course, you play in the NFC West. Last Week: 22

26. Minnesota Vikings: The best first half team in football! Unfortunately, there are two halves in football. Somebody should probably tell them. Last Week: 23

27. Jacksonville Jaguars: So begins the reign of Blaine Gabbert. At least he has the awesome offensive weapons of…well…Maurice Jones-Drew is pretty good anyway. Last Week: 17

28. Saint Louis Rams: I don’t think the Rams can recover from their rash of injuries. But on the positive side, they might only need to win four games. Last Week: 26

29. Kansas City Chiefs: Nobody’s looked flatter and more shell-shocked than the Chiefs. The hangover of a worst to first season is brutal. Last Week: 18

30. Seattle Seahawks: The good news? Sidney Rice looks like he’ll finally be ready to play this week. The bad news? It really won’t matter. Last Week: 25

31. Miami Dolphins: Unfortunately for the Dolphins, it seems like nobody’s taken their talents to South Beach this football season. Last Week: 31

32. Indianapolis Colts: They looked a hell of a lot better this week than they did last week. But the end result? Still sucks. Last Week: 32

YouTube Monday: Tayley

September 19, 2011 YouTube No comments

I don’t think anybody has more “guest appearances” in their concerts than Taylor Swift. I think literally every single person in the recording industry has made a special guest appearance at one of her concerts in the past year.

But hey, I’m all for awesome duets, especially when she pulls out somebody who’s actually really cool.

Like Hayley Williams from Paramore. Way to make me actually interested in your concert, Taylor Swift. Well played.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for September 11th – 17th, 2011

September 19, 2011 Weekend Top Five No comments

1. Oh The Emmys. You like Modern Family? How about Mad Men? No? Well, then we’ve got nothing for you here. Move along. And seriously? Not giving Steve Carrel a gift Oscar for his last season? That’s straight up cold, Emmys.

2. Germany Has the Best Politics. Germany’s Pirate Party, a party dedicated mostly to letting everybody download the hell out of “Bridesmaids” so they don’t have to go to the theatre, picked up 15 seats in the German Parliment this week. Just a drop in the water, but…ha!

3. Tokyo Game Show Happened Or Maybe Not! The Tokyo Game Show was at around 1/4 of its usual exhibitors, with Microsoft and EA probably pulling out next year. The once mighty titan of gaming may soon be relegated to tentacle rape games and Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball sequels. And you know what? I think that’s the way Japan wants it.

4. Boxing Is Dumb. Floyd “Money” Mayweather beat Victor Ortiz in a sequence that included Ortiz kissing Mayweather, Mayweather sucker punching Ortiz while he talked to the referee, and Mayweather threatening to punch 900 year old interviewer Larry Merchant, who then threatened to go back in time and beat up Mayweather. And it was all awful.

5. Sony Loves PSN Users. What do you mean you don’t read the Terms of Service when you agree to things online? The latest ToS for the PlayStation Network has a clause that precludes users from being able to be involved in a class action lawsuit against Sony. You know…just incase they let hackers steal your credit card information again. Well played!

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