Last Week: Triple H was in the firing mood, so he went ahead and got rid of stupid Miz and R-Truth, who weren’t doing anything other than carrying the whole show. Also, CM Punk and John Cena argued, quite literally, about nothing in particular. And, in one of the greatest moves in the history of our great sport, Tony Award winning singer and dancer Hugh Jackman attacked and killed one of the wrestlers. Doug Something. Maybe he’ll return…TONIGHT!
Hey, everybody, it’s the COO! Be coo.
Triple H: Some of you might be wondering why I fired The Miz and R-Truth, and to those people I say…Really? I mean, have you ever seen those guys? If any two guys in the WWE locker room were ever asking to be fired it’s them. So I did it. If you’re waiting for a more grandiose explanation than that, possibly involving WWE.com video packages and/or secret after-RAW meetings, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. I don’t believe in any of that stuff. But hey, money’s tight, and while we’re saving tons of money on R-Truth’s music and Miz’ hair gel budget, somebody’s got to pay for Kevin Nash’s bloated guaranteed contract. Who better than Mark Henry!
HHH: No. Nobody better than Mark Henry. We’ve been paying that guy way too much money for way too long. It’s time he gives back.
Vickie Guerrero: Pardon me!
HHH: I had no idea we were going to execute you. But now that you mention it-
Vickie: How could you let Peter Lyman from Scoop atack Dolph? He broke his jaw because that totally adorable jerk face didn’t know not to punch Dolph in the jaw.
Vickie: You tell him, Glass Joe!
Dolph: Watch the jaw! Don’t hit my jaw!
HHH: Uh. You two are already parodeis of yourselves. Next!
Cody Rhodes: Will you take me seriously? Look at my face. I am ugly. Look at my head, look at the billion staples in my head keeping my brain from leaking out. Now look back at my face. I’m on a horse.
HHH: Where the hell did you find a horse?
Cody: The Mountie wasn’t using it.
HHH: Do you have an actual complaint?
Cody: These staples are way too early for Halloween.
HHH: Fair enough. We’ll try harder to injure you closer to Halloween next year.
Cody: That’s all I ask.
HHH: Just…Don’t go pillaging in Randy’s house.
Cody: That would be really stupid.
Chris Tian: What about me? What about Chris Tian?
HHH: Now we’re really forcing that joke. What about you?
Tian: I don’t know. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to use that one. I’ve been saving it up. How about…I’m mad at Sheamus?
HHH: Ah! Yeah! I’ve been there. I’ll tell you what, you can take on Sheamus at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE Hell in a Cell. And tonight, you can take on John Cena!
Tian: Hey! At least it’s not Randy Orton again!
HHH: And unto you, Dolph, I bestow the ability to defend your title against our resident Eggs Benedict, Zack Ryder.
Dolph: Aw man! What will become of “Ask the Heel?”
HHH: And to you, Cody, the least of the Rhodes’ I leave a match against, oh, I don’t know, Alex Riley.
Cody: Even I know that black hole of charisma would kill this place before it starts!
HHH: Damn. Ok. Then you’ll defend the Intercontinental Title in a battle royal! It’ll be like a Divas Match!
Alex Riley, Ted DiBiase, Sin Cara, Daniel Bryan, Justin Gabriel, Ezekial Jackson, Drew McIntyre, Sheamus and Cody Rhodes
In a Battle Royal for the WWE Intercontinental Title
Damn. This isn’t a “Through the middle ropes” elimination match, or Cody would’ve been out already! Then we could’ve watched the wheels slowly fall off this train. I’m not even sure Drew McIntyre was ever in this match. Oh well. Zeke is a house afire, eliminating almost everybody including himself a couple minutes in. Sin Cara, of course, is the odds on favorite, his huge muscles rippling as he hit’s the PEDIGREE TO GABRIEL~! But suddenly the lights go out and Fat Sin Cara appears in the middle of the ring, a kendo stick high above his head. Freaking out, Sin Cara hops the top rope, eliminating himself, and then Fat Sin Cara gets dumped by…Alex Riley or something. Chris Tian comes to ringside to mock Sheamus’ demotion to Intercontinental title levels, and the big Fella’s tears are just the distraction Cody needs to whack Sheamus with his mask and dump him to the outside. Cody wins!
Johnny Ace: What are you doing?
David Otunga: Dressing like a hilarious caricature of a lawyer? Hey. Clarence Mason is too expensive to hire these days, and Beth Phoenix won’t talk to anybody but Punk.
Ace: Well, you look like a huge dork.
Otunga: Does a huge dork get to have sex with Jennifer Hudson?
Ace: Apparently so, yes.
Elsewhere, Eve Torres is doing whatever it is that Eve Torres does.
Kelly Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres vs. Beth Phoenix and Natalya
Oh man! This match! I wonder why they don’t mix it up and have Beth and Nattie fight AJ and Kaitlyn on RAW and Kelly and Eve on Smackdown every other week. For…uh…”variety.” Natalya holds Eve in a submission hold for so long that even Booker T (who is on commentary this week, because they couldn’t afford Stevie Ray) is just like, “Cheat, Kelly!” Eve eventually gets the hot tag, however, but when Kelly gets in trouble, Eve is too busy shaking her butt to notice. Beth and Nattie win! Truly this is a glorious day for both of them.
Backstage, Mark Henry has swallowed a camera. Let’s see the video feed! Oh man, how’d my Frisbee get in there?
Mark Henry vs. The Great Khali
Mark Henry smacks Khali with the World Title for the DQ and then offers to pay his fine in the form of The Great Khali. When he gets no takers (or Takers), he just slams Khali and mugs for the camera for an hour. Man, it’s really nice to have these Smackdown guys on the show. I hardly notice that I haven’t seen John Cena since the beginning of the show, and let’s face it, the hottest thing in wrestling right now (besides AJ! Haahaha…get it? Sigh) is Mark Henry stanking up the joint. In fact, I wonder if we can go a whole show without seeing Cena. It could be Cena-free!
Here’s John Cena backstage. Dammit. Just like Beetlejuice.
John Cena vs. Chris Tian
In a pre-match limerick, Cena bitches that Hell in a Cell is just violent and brutal enough to solve the ongoing issues between the kid friendly rapper, the non-violent guy who just wants to talk about himself all show, and the Mexican aristocrat who is afraid to fight anybody without hiding behind his ring announcer. So…Yeah. Sounds brutal. Punk and Del Rio are on commentary, and immediately an improvement over anything we’ve had in months. Sadly, they don’t fill our “Looking for Yaks” segement, though. I had high hopes. Cena tosses Tian outside, allowing Del Rio to sucker punch him and Punk and run up the ramp gurgling with glee. He’s a week late for that, I think.
Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)
For the WWE United States Title
Oh, man! Now we find out who really is the king of stupid internet television. Probably that Chocolate Rain Guy! I do sort of wonder what Hugh Jackman thinks about breaking Dolph’s jaw. Hopefully he thinks it’s the most awesome thing he’s ever done. Ryder takes control of the match with Abe Orton levels of jaw-based offense, but Jack Swagger runs out and slams Ryder’s neck on the rope, and Dolph turns it into a Zig Zag for the win. Air Boom runs out immediately, because they can smell potential tag teams.
Theodore Long: Playas, I’m not on this show, but I’m bookin’ all kinds of matches! Vickie, you’ve got THREE MINUTES to find a tag team partner for a match against those other three. Hollah Hollah!
Indian Eric Bischoff: Did somebody say…THREE MINUTES?!
Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Kofi Johnston, Evan Bourne, and Zack Ryder
Sadly, Jamal died and nobody knows or cares where Suga Rosey is. This goes completely over the heads of the announce team, who are arguing about whether or not Evan Bourne will live until he’s 150 years old. Well, he certainly didn’t pick the right career if that’s what he’s shooting for. Kofi is Shelton, which I’m pretty sure means he’s supposed to be on another channel right now. Mason Ryan is out to tag with Dolph and Swagger. MASON RYAN IS THE THIRD MAN! It’s the lamest nWo of all time! Even worse than the B-Team and that had Virgil! Mason Ryan comes out, forgets that he exists, punches Dolph, and leaves. Ryder wins! Anything to stem the tide of his tears.
David Otunga: -plus, I have a Law Degree from Harvard.
Dolph Ziggler: Guys, I’m inclined to believe him. He’s wearing a bow tie!
Cody Rhodes: I’ll admit the bowtie does give him a degree of authority I trust in.
Otunga: Really, dudes? Can’t you look past that and believe in me for me?
Chris Tian: I, for one, believe in David Otunga.
Otunga: Thank you!
Tian: I mean, Jennifer Hudson wouldn’t have sex with any old bum.
Otunga: Exa-Wait. No. That’s not why you should trust me. That’s why everybody should respect me. You should trust me because-
Cody: So what’s your plan, exactly?
Otunga: Simple. One word. Union!
Otunga blinks and the room is suddenly empty.
Otunga: What’d I say?
Fat Sin Cara: I’m with you! ECDUB! ECDUB!
Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. CM Punk
John Cena is out on commentary, lest you forget for five seconds that John Cena is on this show. Sadly, his commentary mostly consists of him testing out T-Shirt slogans and waving his hand at Booker T. Also sadly, I still prefer this to Lawler and Cole. Punk tries to dump Del Rio onto Cena, but Cena doesn’t sell it. Why start now! Del Rio takes control of the match in all the excitement, and Ricardo jumps up and down at ringside. That guy is always so happy! I really wish it was Ricardo Time more often.
During the commercial, everybody involved stopped wrestling and started playing Trouble. I always hated that game. And that was only partially due to the fact that I could never break the Pop-A-Matic Bubble™. Del Rio suddenly grabs Punk’s arm for rolling a six, and goes to put him in the Arm-Bar. Well, that’s rude! Admittedly, that’s how every game of Monopoly ends at my house, though. Punk is wise to it though, and he just hits Del Rio with the GTS for the win. After the match, Cena chases Ricardo to ringside and gets crushed by the Hell in a Cell cage as it’s lowered right onto his head. Just kidding! He totally nosells getting killed by the cage and beats up poor Ricardo! What’d he ever do? Everybody slips in and out of each other’s finishers, until Del Rio just grabs a chair and whacks everybody with it. Poor Ricardo! But I can’t blame Alberto though. If I was in the ring with this lot, I’d hit them all with chairs too. To finish the night off, Alberto goes ahead and whacks himself too.
Sunday Sunday Sunday: The whole concept of Hell in a Cell reaches levels it hasn’t seen since that one time Rikishi jumped off into a cart of hay. Plus, Kelly Kelly Kelly defeats Beth Phoenix in the most bloody and brutal HiaC match of all time. And Zack Ryder teams up with his manliest partner ever. Richard Simmons.
Tough Enough Jessie: I really don’t think He is the reason your last CD didn’t sell.
R-Truth: Of course he is! It’s a conspiracy!
Tommy Dreamer: I bought that CD! “What’s Up Doc (Can We Rock)?” Classic!
Truth: Man, that was Shaq!
Dreamer: Oh. Sorry, dawg.
Tough Enough Jessie: Tommy! What have I told you about dressing up as Fat Sin Cara?
Dreamer: Aw, come on! It’s so much fun! Plus, I made us a new friend!
David Otunga: Hey, guys. I heard you’re looking to take down Triple H. I’m ready to help.
The Miz: I like this guy! His bowtie says, “All business” but his short sleeve shirt says, “I also know how to stay cool.”
Truth: This totally looks like a guy who could have sex with Jennifer Hudson!
Otunga: Yes. I think I can help you guys.
T.E. Jessie: Oh? And how’s that?
Otunga: We’re going to start a Union!
T.E. Jessie: I’ve heard enough. I’m out.
Dreamer: I still love the idea, but where Jessie goes….
Miz: He’s crazy! Let’s go!
Truth: Yeah, even I think you’re crazy.
Harry Smith: It’ll never work.
Otunga: Where’ the hell-
Michael Tarver: I would’ve gone for a lawsuit, but you lost me.
X-Pac: Yeah. I didn’t listen to a word that you said. Bye.
Vladamir Kozlov: I love bow tie. I go now!
Otunga: Guys? Guys?! I think this union thing can work!
Demon Girl: Get out.