Archive for October 2011

Top Ten BlizzCon Announcements

1. Commit to World of Warcraft for One Year, Get Diablo 3 Free. In an effort to stem the tide of users that would no doubt switch to Star Wars The Old Republic for a few months in December, Blizzard is giving away one of its premier titles for free for anyone who commits to spending $179.88 on WoW next year, plus you get a mount in the next patch. That ultimately seems like a losing proposition (a lot of fans would be willing to pay the $179, plus the $60 for Diablo), but it’s great PR and will keep a lot of players paying for at least another year.

2. Mists of Pandaria It’s Pandas, it’s Pokemon, it’s the kneejerk reaction to everybody who said Cataclysm was “too hard” and forgot that most of the new content was in 1-60 not 80-85. But still, Mists of Panderia looks fantastic, sounds great, and plays pretty good. More on that later.

3. New Neutral Race The Pandarens experience starts off completely unafilliated with either the Horde or Alliance, and as you start questing up to level 10, you’e gradually introduced to the factions until you choose one at the end of the starter area. It’s a cool experiment, though mostly you’ll probably just pick to go with whatever faction all your other characters are.

4. New Monk Class Monks are an interesting new class. Every race but Worgen and Goblins have access to them, and they’re a leather based class. The most interesting feature announced thus far is that they’re entirely button based. There’s no auto attack, so you’ll be hitting buttons for every punch, kick, and special ability. I don’t know how much I like that in theory across end game content, but I had a lot of fun playing through the first five levels.

5. Literally Pokemon The new pet battle isn’t “like” Pokemon, it isn’t “inspired by” Pokemon. It is Pokemon. With wild pets appearing in the tall grass of Elwynn and Gym Leaders and everything. I don’t know how good this could possibly be, or even if it will end up going the way of the dance studio and never going in the game, but I think I like this better than a new profession.

6. Blizzard DotA Isn’t Dead. After it was announced last year, rumors whirled that Blizzard DotA was going to be cancelled. Apparently it just wasn’t particularly interesting, and it’s a free game, so it made a sort of sense for it to be shelved. But then this year it was back, in sort of a humorous form. Take control of a popular Blizzard character and his/her minions and run around killing other players for the sole purpose of advancing on the leaderboard. Coming soonish.

7. Blizzard Lore Bibles Coming Soon. In tandem with the Diablo III release, Blizzard put together a Diablo III Lore book, written in the first person by Diablo loremaster Deckard Cain. It was announced that similar books are being compiled for Warcraft and Starcraft as well.

8. Heart of the Swarm Looks Pretty Cool, Has New Units. Not much new info was dropped about heart of the Swarm, but the new trailer (rendered in-game according to Blizzard) looks fantastic, and there are several new units for Zerg, Protoss, and Terran for South Korean gamer teams to exploit.

9. No Warcraft IV. This announcement was just sort of slipped in and one I confirmed later with a conversation with a Blizzard employee. Apparently, they see WoW as having around ten more years left in its cycle, and have no interest in creating Warcraft IV before the WoW train has completely run out of steam. Ten years? I don’t know about that, but it doesn’t look like Warcraft IV is in the cards any time soon.

10. WoW’s Talent System May Be Gone. Another thing people are whining about, but the classic WoW Talent tree is a thing of the past, giving way to a more flexible, more passive talent system that will gift you all your necessary spells and let you pick some less intense, more passive talents to utilize every 15 levels. I’m not really sure how this doesn’t encourage “cookie cutter builds” that WoW has been trying to get away from for years (in fact it just enforces them through the mechanics) but there we go.

RAW Satire for 10/24/11

Last Week: The leader of an oppressive and violent regime was found after being holed up for months, somehow still exerting power over the very citizens whose lives he ruined. Then Triple H was captured.

Triple H is dragged into a chair with a Sin Cara Mask over his face by Drew McIntyre and Michael Tarver. He is sat down roughly into a steel folding chair and the mask is torn off.

Triple H: I demand a lawyer!

David Otunga: I have a degree fro-

HHH: A real lawyer!

Clarence Mason: Sorry, Hunter, but I’ve got my hands full with Lindsay Lohan right now! But best of luck on…whatever the hell this is.

Booker T: Dawg, get out of here before I lose my T again.

Mason: Hey! What’s up, GI Bro?

Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! Look no further, Triple H! I am the lawyer you need!

HHH: Greeeeeeat.

Tough Enough Jessie: ORDER! We’ll have order! This session of the Wrestler’s Court is now in session. The honorable judge The Whole and Complete Undertaker presiding.

BONG!

The Whole and Complete Undertaker: Triple H, you stand here accused with a crime under the penalty of death. Do you understand the charges being brought against you?

HHH: No, not really.

Tommy Dreamer: The prisoner, one Hunter Hearst Helmsley, stands accused of irreparably and irresponsibly destroying the world of professional wrestling ten years ago.

Undertaker: Defendant, how do you plead?

HHH: Innocent you old zombie! You were there just as much as I was.

Undertaker: Very well. Prosecution, you have the floor for your opening statement.

Edge: Look at this guy. We’ve all been here for ten years. We know the score. I mean…can a girl get a salad over here? Triple H is guilty as hell. It’s a joke!

Phoenix: OBJECTION~!

Taker: The defense has a rebuttal?

Phoenix: While my client very likely did cause the collapse of the WWE Universe-

HHH: Hey!

Phoenix: You probably can’t prove anything. I bet most, if not all, your evidence is circumstantial.

Randy Orton: Oh man, I had a circumstantial one time. It still stings.

The rest of the Jury Box nods in agreement.

Edge: The prosecution calls to the stand Kane.

Undertaker: Can you please state your full name for the court please?

Kane: Dr. Reginald Kanus Taker, DDS.

Edge: Reginald, isn’t it true that this man, Triple H, ruined your life?

Kane: Yes. Ten years ago he had sex with a mannequin on TV and said it was me!

Edge: Really? That’s what you’re going with? Sex with a mannequin on TV? Hey, if that’s a crime, I’m guilty too.

Undertaker: That IS a crime.

Edge: Oh.

Kane: And that was MY WIFE! THE MOTHER OF MY CHICKEN PARMESAN!

Edge: You were on a break!

Kane: AAAAAAAAARH!

Edge: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Undertaker: Granted.

Edge lays Kane out with a chair.

Edge: I’d like to call to the stand another guy whose life Triple H ruined. Test!

T.E. Jessie: You can’t. He’s dead.

Edge: Murder!

The Jury Box mutters incoherently.

Edge: Fine. If I can’t call one guy Triple H murdered, I’ll call the next best thing. The Portuguese Man of War!

HHH: Justin! My old buddy, old pal!

T.E. Jessie: Could you state your name for the court?

Justin Credible: I’m not just the coolest. I’m not just the best.

Lance Storm: I’m Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Credible: And I’m Justin Credible.

T.E. Jessie: That’s long.

Credible: It’s a family name.

Edge: Mr. Credible, you seem like the…er…credible sort. Can you please explain what happened to you during the winter of 2002?

Credible: It was awful! I was forced out of my body and…violated!

HHH: Oh, come on, Justin, I never violated you!

Credible: YOU TORE MY SOUL OUT OF MY BODY AND THEN STOLE MY CORPSE!

HHH: Oh. Thaaaaaaat. Yeah. Come on. It wasn’t like you were doing anything with it!

Credible: I WAS LIVING IN IT!

Murmurs come from the non-existent gallery.

Phoenix: OBJECTION~!

Undertaker: You’re objecting to the fact that his corpse got stolen?

Phoenix: It’s Justin Credible! I mean…what was he really doing with it? Being on X-Factor?

Undertaker: Hmm…Sustained.

Credible: WHAT?!

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?!

Undertaker: Justin, you’re horrible. Just let it go.

HHH: You know, I’m getting sick of all my friends turning on me. First X-Pac, then Nash, and then…Hall probably? I don’t know. And where’s Shawn Michaels when I need him most? Sitting at home prancing around on his cow couch. This is the stupidest frigging thing ever. I’m still not even sure what I’m on trial for. Or why they haven’t killed me.

Phoenix: Who are you talking to?

HHH: The folks at home.

Phoenix: What the hell are you talking about? Nobody is watching this right now!

HHH: It does take me back, though. To the heady days when Lance Storm was an action figure. When Val Venis ran Monday Night RAW-

Val: Wait, that was real life?

HHH: When Maven was the next big star in Hollywood! When everybody wore Hammer Pants and we were proud of it, dammit!

Dreamer: I also remember some or all of those things!

HHH: You see, guys? It wasn’t so bad, ten years ago! We were all young and innocent and hopped up on Stacker 2 Bees and Stone Man Still Austinberg.

Austin: Whatever happened to that guy?

HHH: Clearly this has all been a silly misunderstanding, and I forgive all of you. I’m really sorry that I was such a jerk all those years ago. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have had sex with that mannequin. That was a bad move, but we’ve all made some bad moves, haven’t we? I mean, Tommy, didn’t you used to eat out of the urinal?

Dreamer: I still do. Is that…bad?

HHH: And Undertaker, didn’t you spend most of that time jobbing to Maven and pretending that you rode motorcycles? I mean…that sure as hell wasn’t cool.

Undertaker: He’s right.

HHH: And I don’t know what grudge you could possibly hold, Tough Enough Jessie. You weren’t even alive back then.

T.E. Jessie: That’s true, I’m only nine years old.

HHH: So let’s just let bygones be bygones. We’ll just show up next week on RAW, and it’ll be just like nothing ever happened. Let’s be honest with each other, as bad as things have been at times, we’re still family, and we don’t know how much worse things would be over in the other WWE Universe.

Edge: You know…maybe he’s right.

Dreamer: I’ve been convinced by everything everyone’s ever said to me.

T.E. Jessie: We’ve all been so wrong. WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Undertaker: You know what? Booger Red was the worst gimmick name I think anyone’s ever had. Case Dis-

Demon Girl: What the hell are you all doing?!

Edge: Nothing!

T.E. Jessie: Nothing!

Undertaker: Nothing!

Credible: Sooooooooooooooooooomething.

Demon Girl: Declare a recess. We can’t continue with this farce now if you’re all going to get dewey eyed at Triple H misremembering the horrors of the past. Drew, bring him back to the prisons, we’ll deal with him again next week.

Everyone but Undertaker leaves.

Michael Tarver: Mr. Taker! A Rather Officious Looking Penguin dropped off this briefcase! He seemed to be very intent about getting it in.

Undertaker: A briefcase?! But that’s-

David Hart Smith: He says it’s for the prisoner’s eyes only.

Undertaker: How the hell would you know that?

Smith: I speak fluent penguin, sir.

Tarver: What should we do?

Undertaker: Well…let him eat cake. Tell him “Happy Satireversary” for me.

To Be Continued….

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 7

1. Green Bay Packers A bit of a scare there, but the offense is more scary than anything else. Last Week: 1

2. New England Patriots: This year for Halloween, I’m going as Tom Brady’s hair. OoooooOOoooo! Last Week: 3

3. San Francisco 49ers Just wait until next week when Jim Harbaugh takes off his mask and reveals that he’s been Mike Singletary all along! Last Week: 4

4. New Orleans Saints Make sure you check your bags for razor blades, poisoned candies, and Reggie Bush. Last Week: 6

5. Baltimore Ravens Their offense is pretty terrible, so get ready for their new starting quarterback. Flaccula! Mwahaha! Last Week: 2

6. Pittsburgh Steelers Please note: Showing up to your work’s Halloween party with a “DTF” nametag is not a costume. But it is a good way to get fired. Last Week: 9

7. Detroit Lions I suspect that you’ll see more than a few Ndamakong Suh Ghosts this year. Last Week:6

8. Buffalo Bills Talk about night of the living dead! No, not you, Al Davis. Last Week: 7

9. New York Jets Just don’t visit Rex Ryan’s house, or I hear he’ll eat all your treats. I think they said “treats.” Last Week: 10

10. San Diego Chargers: This year, Phillip Rivers is going as his own unbearable smirk. Last Week: 8

11. New York Giants Eli’s going to be pretty mad. Peyton is SO getting all the candy this year. Last Week: 12

12. Houston Texans The Ouija board doesn’t lie. Will the Texans go 8-8 once again this year? Results Hazy, Try Again Later. Hey! This isn’t a Ouija board! Last Week: 14

13. Oakland Raiders The contents of Carson Palmer’s Trick or Treat bag:
Fun-Sized Skittles
Two Rocks
Toothbrush
A handful of those gross “Peanut Butter” taffies
Candy Apple with a Razor Blade In It (Thanks, Mike Brown!)
Offensive Playbook
Last Week: 11

14. Cincinnati Bengals In other, related, news, Mike Brown also left a flaming bag of dog poo outside Raider’s headquarters. Last Week: 16

15. Chicago Bears In an effort to improve his passing performance, Jay Cutler is playing without his head attached this week. Last Week: 17

16. Atlanta Falcons Thankfully for Falcons fans, Matt Ryan’s limbs are already fake rubber ones. Last Week: 21

17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers After a ghoulish trip to London, they have to try not to roll their eyes as the 500th guy shows up to their party dressed as “That neon orange pirate.” Last Week: 15

18. Washington Redskins At least Rex Grossman has found another job with the team. Sadly, his attempts to pass Fun Sized Snickers into the crowd will be intercepted by Bills Fans this week. If there are any in Toronto. Last Week: 13

19. Tennessee Titans: You know things have gotten rough when Chris Johnson shows up dressed as Chris Johnson, and nobody can figure it out. Last Week: 18

20. Cleveland Browns So…how much would the fine be if they made pumpkin helmets? Just for this week! Last Week: 22

21. Dallas Cowboys Given that this was a themed week, I was going to try to get away with a “Don’t fumble your baby, Tony Romo” joke, but I just dont’ think I can. Sorry. Last Week: 20

22. Kansas City Chiefs I hear the Chiefs are giving half off tickets if you come dressed as a current member of the Chiefs roster. I don’t think anybody will be able to come up with an answer. Last Week: 24

23. Denver Broncos Tim Tebow may not believe in Halloween, but that’s ok, because God is dressing as Tim Tebow this year. Last Week: 25

24. Carolina Panthers Why is a decent team losing almost every game? The answer is quite clear. Ghosts! Last Week: 26

25. Jacksonville JaguarsOne field goal! Two field goals! Three field goals! Four field goals! Four field goals! AH AH AH! That’s all the points they can score! Last Week: 29

26. Philadelphia Eagles Maybe if they dress as the Flyers, they’ll get the respect they deserve this week. Last Week: 19

27. Minnesota Vikings The Vikings carelessly gave their only Bernard Berrian away to a little girl in a crayon costume, and they didn’t have the heart to take him back. Last Week: 27

28. Seattle Seahawks I heard the Seahawks were giving out field goals this year. That’s worse than the house giving out playbooks! Last Week: 23

29. Arizona Cardinals The only difference between Kevin Kolb and a zombie these days is that the zombies at least look quick on their feet. Last Week: 28

30. Saint Louis Rams Even spooky ghost stories are less scary than the Rams season. Last Week: 30

31. Miami Dolphins One thing you can say about celebrity Halloween parties, they spend a ton of money and nothing interesting happens. Last Week: 31

32. Indianapolis Colts This whole thing has been like Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael Myers vs. Jigsaw vs. Gozilla vs. Steamboat Willie. Last Week: 32

YouTube Monday: Kung-Fu Pandas

The biggest announcement at BlizzCon this year? That a year’s subscription to World of Warcraft will give you a free copy of Diablo 3.

Oh, but the second biggest announcement? The new World of Warcraft expansion, Mists of Pandaria. Is it weird? Really. Does it make no sense? Kinda. But is it sort of awesome? Yep. I had a chance to play through some of it at the convention, and these Pandas are kind of badass. It’s not played for laughs, and the zones look and sound wonderful.

So keep an open mind as you watch the trailer for Mists of Pandaria:

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for October 16th – 22nd, 2011

1. Blizzcon! I’ll have some coverage for you, hopefully this week, but Blizzcon 2011 was this weekend and it was pretty fantastic. Pandas and Pokemon, man. Pandas and Pokemon.

2. Apple Accidentally Gave You Something You Didn’t Want Anyway. iPhone 4 users who upgraded to iOS 5.0 were a little confused when they got the Siri app, something that was supposed to be exclusive to the 4S. It’s sense been retracted, but for a minute there we all had this weird dumb voice activation system. Siri get me a new phone app.

3. Addition by Subtraction. Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, LeBron James and others are set to begin a U.S. tour playing All Star games across the country to try to drub up support for them getting even more silly bloated contracts. Which is kind of the opposite of good negotiation tactics. I mean, letting people see you for cheaper doesn’t exactly give them much interest in calling for the NBA to make a deal for even more expensive tickets.

4. He’s Got a Niche. Huge nerd Aaron Sorkin, who wrote The Social Network amongst a million others is going to write the Steve Jobs movie. Jobs, played by either Michael Cera or Jesse Eisenberg, lives a lonely existence surrounded by sycophants including Justin Timberlake, the inventor of iTunes.

5. The World Didn’t End…Again. Harold Camping, who was sure that the world would end back in April. Positive! He changed his prediction to Friday shortly thereafter. Well, Friday came and went, and I hate to point this out, because it seems like overkill at this point, but…we’re still here.

YouTube: Red Shirts

It’s worth noting that Blizzcon brings the best and worst of nerddom to bear every year. My friend who is getting married this weekend is a good nerd. The people who sit and bitch all day on the internet? Bad nerds.

This guy is like…the best of both worlds. Owning Blizzard’s creative staff at their own event is pretty awesome. But then again…well….

Hock Show NFL Power Rankings for Week 6

I’m on vacation this week, so it’s sort of quick and dirty:

1. Green Bay PackersLast Week: 1

2. Baltimore RavensLast Week: 4

3. New England Patriots:Last Week: 5

4. San Francisco 49ers Last Week: 7

5. Detroit Lions Last Week:2

6. New Orleans Saints Last Week: 3

7. Buffalo Bills Last Week: 6

8. San Diego Chargers: Last Week: 8

9. Pittsburgh Steelers Last Week: 9

10. New York Jets Last Week: 13

11. Oakland Raiders Last Week: 15

12. New York Giants Last Week: 14

13. Washington Redskins Last Week: 10

14. Houston Texans Last Week: 11

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers Last Week: 12

16. Cincinnati Bengals Last Week: 19

17. Chicago Bears Last Week: 20

18. Tennessee Titans:Last Week: 18

19. Philadelphia Eagles Last Week: 21

20. Dallas Cowboys Last Week: 16

21. Atlanta Falcons Last Week: 17

22. Cleveland Browns Last Week: 22

23. Seattle Seahawks Last Week: 24

24. Kansas City Chiefs Last Week: 25

25. Denver Broncos Last Week: 23

26. Carolina Panthers Last Week: 28

27. Minnesota Vikings Last Week: 26

28. Arizona Cardinals Last Week: 27

29. Jacksonville Jaguars Last Week: 28

30. Saint Louis Rams Last Week: 30

31. Miami Dolphins Last Week: 31

32. Indianapolis ColtsLast Week: 32

YouTube: Everybody Was Coach-Fu Fighting

This week, Jim Harbaugh shook Jim Schwartz’ hand and then clubbed him in the back, and Schwartz attempted to chase Harbaugh into his grave until alternate universe Chris Berman broke it up. Schwartz later whined that that Harbaugh’s little slap and swearing was pretty classless.

Jim Schwartz. The guy who has been known to argue with players from the opposing team and mock people in the past. He’s going to call people classless? Classic.

YouTube Monday: Blizzcon 2011

Amongst a whole heap of other things I’ve been wrangled into doing, I’m going to check out out Blizzcon once again this year.

Don’t know what that is? Don’t care? Too bad. Here’s the promotional video for this year’s event. Check back in the coming weeks for more coverage from the show, which I should hopefully get a chance to check out in depth.

Hock Show Weekend Top Five for October 9th – 15th, 2011

1. New York Was Jealous. New York had its own Comic Con this week, and it was…just like the the one in San Diego, except…Less happened. Like, a lot less. Basically nothing. So, way to go Comic Con.

2. Occupy: Hock Show.com What started as a cute but fruitless demonstration has gone viral, with Occupy rallies happening in basically ever first world country in the world. What do Canadians have to be so upset about? Other than being from Canada? Quit subtly mocking our political rallies!

3. The Boston Red Sox Are a Bigger Mess Than You Think. Just blowing a big lead in the wild card wasn’t enough. Firing their manager and shoving out their GM? Not enough. Apparently their clubhouse is full of jerks, morons, and people who love drinking during the game. It’s sort of like 1910s baseball, only with less old fat guys!

4. At One Point, I Was the Frontrunner for the Republican Nomination. Is it Michelle Bachmann? Herman Cain? Rick Perry? Katy Perry? A guy or girl who isn’t even running? Make up your minds!

5. Great Week for the iPhone, Just…Great. The iPhone 4S released to great fanfare to…Steve Wozniak, anyway, who was the first in line at a store to get one for seemingly no reason. Then the new iPhone OS launched, and caused a lot of problems for phones (especially on Verizon’s network). But overall, just super. Thanks for asking.